Jake Yapp presents: Not Today, Thank You: Recent Episodes
Swanburst Media
A once-daily-now-occasional podcast featuring Jake Yapp, as seen and heard on Charlie Brooker’s Weekly Wipe, Radio 4 and 6Music. Twitter: @NotTodayPod. Text and voice message Whatsapp: 07862032654
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In which I finally actually figure out a format for the Unread Book Club...
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A post-festive catchup on stuff, and the launch of two new fun talking points. Also some music I've been doing lately and er. Well. There's no skirting round it. A Quick Chat - can we have a Quick Chat? - about Gregg Wallace...
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Today! Never heard before* Dora Dale from 2007! Movie trailers courtesy of listener Pat! Music with a Very Slow Crescendo! Berlusconi's Art! Also, can we have a quick show of hands... Are you a Fast Eater or a Slow Eater? Email jakeyappmusic at gmail dot com xxx
*Apart from about 60% of the jokes which were repurposed, and not for the first time.
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Srsly. The music. And definitely the jokes. What I WILL say, is that if you buy a bed, it should, like, actually function as a bed. You shouldn't have to go back and buy an extra bit, separately, without being told, without which the bed will not function as a bed. You don't go and buy a car, only to be told ohhh if you needed the chassis, that'll be an extra twenty quid. It feels like a shakedown. And another thing, ladies and gentlemen, what about them new ten pees?
I made a video of the music part, which I'll put on my new musicky youtube at some point. If you want to stay in the loop on that, honk onto @jake.yapp.music on instabangs isn't it. Ok hugs x
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...And that's a PITY. So do tell. The new email address is jakeyappmusic at gmail dot com. I don't know why I'm typing that address all CRYPTIC, like. I'd welcome spam at this point. Oh! I meant to tell you on the podcast, I did a really lovely radio show with Bibi Lynch, in front of an audience. If you want to listen, it's the second half of this: https://www.totallyradio.com/shows/bibi-does-brighton/episodes/bibi-does-brighton-05-oct-23
Anyway. DO get in touch. Any requests? I need a brief. x
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In the last of the series, Molly Elwood joins me to share the love, with some of the best food I have ever tasted.
I'll be on jackfm.co.uk 9am-12pm every weekday from the 19th December, and LIVE on BBC Radio 4 Extra every weekday evening in January, 7-10pm for Jake Yapp's Unwinding. Stay in touch, and have a good festive season xxx
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Some memories of one of the great innovators of radio comedy, Victor Lewis-Smith. Rest in peace, you brilliant bastard.
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That's all I'm saying. Chuck in all the firm veg you want - cabbage, carrot, maybe a little chilli, ginger, garlic, it's all optional - and add two per cent salt, by weight. At least. If you're nervous, go three per cent. And scrunch it in well and pack it tight into the jar. Leave it out of your fridge for a few days, depending on how warm your kitchen is, then move them to the fridge. And burp the jars. For god's sake. No-one needs cabbagey shrapnel.
Anyway. We explored some mildly fraught stuff in the podcast today - that's on me - and I hope you're ok with it. Door's always open: nottoday@swanburst.com xx
Sort of blew it. Oh well. Helluva run, guys. Helluva run. I'd tell you I love you, but it feels a bit manipulative, you know?
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Did this episode not upload? It bloody didn't, did it? FFS. Well, there's no point crying about it now. Here it is. I'd say it's late, but we promised each other this'd be a no-strings thing, didn't we? I just feel very connected to you.
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BIG NEWS TO SHARE unless you heard today's AudioFreqs podcast, in which case erm carry on. Also, Mic Wright - go read him at brokenbottleboy.substack.com xx
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Lots of music today! Here's a link to the article on key changes: https://tedium.co/2022/11/09/the-death-of-the-key-change/
And erm yes, if you fancy being a philanthropist and hem hem benefactor of The Arts hem hem (listen to the ep first) the paypal address is nottoday@swanburst.com hem hem how vulgar I never discuss money etc. xx
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Good Monday to you. In today's show: Amol Rajan knocks it out of the park.
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Featuring a motivational speech and more business about Kvin the Crrot. MUST DASH OK LOVE YOU
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Today! Hyper-local news, wonderful Champagne news (I really wasn't kidding when I said you literally cannot buy a pitchfork on Amazon) AND a new round of Celebrity Soup of the Day. I SWEAR to GOD I am going to make this game a cult hit.
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Today! Whatever day that may be! Burglar alarms, retro Christmas tat, and putting things inside other things lol animals idk.
Right. Off I go. HUGS xxx
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Today! Mic Wright on Lord Lucan and AI bias. And some nice music. And bits and a rant about the Nanny State and such. Oh, I'll be doing some cooking in a bit on youtube.com/jakjeyapp if you fancy it. And have a rummage through Mic's magnificent back catalogue at brokenbottleboy.substack.com. Bon weekend! xxx
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All over the shop this week. I thought it was Monday. What on earth. ANYWAY. I have a stirring clip of SIR Gavin Williamson you may not have heard, plus more on Melon Musk, Hot Greys, and why everything's better in Italian. HAPPY WEDNESDAY TO YOU ffs
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Today! The return of several old friends. Um a strongish word crops up pretty sharpish. Just FYI. And we look forward to the uncomplicated fun of the Qatar World Cup. Plus more Theme Park Ideas, Immersive Experiences, and your Favourite Celebrations.
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Mic Wright Returns! He's a bit sweary. Just a heads up. Also! We play a new game and it Sort Of Works! Plus cheap theme parks and political tyrant pet novelties xx
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TODAY: More on the Blue Tick, Truss' legacy, the death of much-loathed technology and a NEW THEME PARK is opening and WOW, they spent nearly £200 on the movie franchise tie-in license! Back on Friday with Mic Wright, all being well x
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CRUMBS
I thought I'd have a go for a bit. No pressure. Are you still here? It's nottoday@swanburst.com. How have you been? What have I missed? I'll be doing two or three of these a week between now and Christmas, if you're up for it...? xx
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Marking the day HRFH The Queen died. It might not be quite what you expect. Hope you're ok. xx
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HELLO FRIEND. Thought I'd say hi, what with the world ending and all that. Thinking of you. Hope you're doing ok. Have you tried Audio Freqs yet? It is where the podcast party's at nowadays, with me and Davey, and buckets of hot audio slop for your delight and disgust. Anyway. Say hello on social media - I've been missing you xxx
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Oh HELLO THERE!
Thought I'd update you with some of the stuff I've been getting up to since last we met. It includes some pretty new music, some seasonal Fanny Cradock, and a thoroughly-stuffed Jon Holmes. I'm off to finish my Jools Holland parody - a house-bound hootenanny for Radio 4 Extra on New Year's Eve BUT: I am hosting Comedy Club on Radio 4 Extra this week, starting tonight at 10pm. Come and listen! It's a GREAT WAY to floss. xxx
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Mic Wright stops by and obligingly lets me do jokes about dogs saying sausages. His newsletter is at brokenbottleboy.substack.com. And it is the podcast's second birthday! Amazing. I assumed I'd be dead by now. On Wednesday, I'll be releasing all the 'music' from the series on Spotify, iTunes, YouTube and Google and stuff, free to stream. There's already last year's album on there, if you haven't checked it out, plus all the music from the TV show The Hurting. Go play! xx
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Mic Wright takes a sideways look at the sillier side of the papers (I really hope he reads this, but he almost certainly won't) and Jon Holmes turns my bowels to ice. Thanks, Jon!
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COP26! Yeah! And Mic Wright with a particularly distressing illumination of Giles Coren's filthiest passage. You have been warned. Red his brilliant newsletter at brokenbottleboy.substack.com
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LAUGHS GALORE as we discuss the appalling news of the week, and the appalling reaction to it in the press. Read Mic's (very funny) newsletter for free here: brokenbottleboy.substack.com
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The return of a popular feature. Also, Mic Wright on the Mr Men version of history deployed by Blitz-Spirit-Invoking columnists, and a charming essay on American Christmasses from a listener in the states. Don't forget to subscribe to Mic's free newsletter at brokenbottleboy.substack.com, also check out tinyurl.com/audiofreqs for our new cousin podcast, and BOOK TICKETS at www.meatcute.org. See you next week!
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Mic Wright talks about Keir Starmer's busy week. And pigs. And Jon Holmes talks about something, but tbh I've already blocked it out because it's just too frightening. Don't forget to check out the spin-off podcast: Audio Freqs! Me and Cousin Davey are still Doing Our Thing over there, and it's GREAT! Go and subscribe, will you? Thanks! xx
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Mic Wright dissects the new Guardian supplement, Saturday, and Jon Holmes is VERY controversial for VERY coins. Subscribe to Mic's superb newsletter at brokenbottleboy.substack.com. Have a good week!
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Featuring the vocal talents of Jake Yapp with Mic Wright (brokenbottleboy.substack.com), Jon Holmes, Paul Dunphy and Natt Tapley... And more!
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That was properly astonishing. Also, we have the final actual proper big announcement. OK WELL, JACOB. We waited LONG ENOUGH
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An update of stuff I've been doing, that's out there, and that you can, you know. Check out. If you'd like. I'll stick the links here: https://jakeyapp.co.uk/links/
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Mic Wright brings his trademark silliness and mayhem to the podcast. Read his brilliant, acerbic writings for free at brokenbottleboy.substack.com.
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Another feast of bizarre found audio for your delight and mild nausea...
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Another joyful celebration, with more 'You Won, Get Over It'. BIG ANNOUNCEMENT ON FRIDAY, MMKAY? xx
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It's Back to School time! So much fun and jollity everywhere. DO subscribe to Mic's brilliant newsletter at brokenbottleboy.substack.com - it's free!
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Cousin Davey has more chicken-based audiotainment for your unmitigated delight.
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In which I mumble stuff in a rather self-indulgent way about performing and why I suck at standup.
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...but Cousin Davey is here to prove conclusively that NO THEY ARE NOT
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Bringing you NEWS of NEW THINGS, that being the NATURE OF NEWS... But stuff I have made that's coming out, and stuff I am about to make...
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Hello from France! Check out Mic Wright's fabulous newsletter (it's free!) at brokenbottleboy.substack.com
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More off-cuts of odd audio, including a member of the Ramones rapping. Ewch.
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Wrapping up the inaugural live podcast. It all ends with the sound of people leaving quietly while I cry softly. It's a hoot.
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More live-recorded fun with Cousin Davey's audio esoterica, including an impossible patter song, and a spot of self-rick-rolling.
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More from the live recording at Yappfest 21 - including some improvised robot singing from the fifties. COME OFF IT
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Mic Wright talks about journalists' self-regard, and Alexa has some ideas about Jon Holmes. I am uploading this two days late, from the queue for a ferry. I hadn't uploaded it, but managed to find a backup of the raw record online, which I downloaded onto my laptop. But the battery was nearly gone. I just had time to edit it and airdrop it to my ipad, but ipads and apple have an extremely condescending attitude to file types and I couldn't upload it. So I transferred it to kim's laptop, whence I am writing now. And we're about to get on the ferry. THANK GOD FOR MOBILE HOTSPOTS. Ok bye x
oh and subscribe to Mic's newsletter! brokenbottleboy.substack.com
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The first part of our live recording at the insane Yappfest thing that happened last month. I will stress it was NOT my idea, and I didn't come up with the name. Although my ego probaby is that big, really, tbh. Anyway. Cousin Davey has a delightful selection of obscure audio for you...
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More audio esoterica from Emmy-Nominated ~Sound Designer and Best Cousin Ever Dave Yapp.
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More Britain Awake bigolols with Jon Holmes and myself, making up the money by being controversial for coins. We made £3.87 today, and probably garnered our second YouTube strike. Watch it while you can at www.youtube.com/nottodaypod
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Mic Wright aka BrokenBottleBoy (hey) on Wikipedia vs The Papers and what happens when innocent people aren't allowed to move on from a court case... And Geremy Wine thanks the patrons of the podcasts in his own unique and not fully safe-for-work way. You can support the podcast at patreon.com/nottodaypod. And subscribe to Mic's free newsletter at brokenbottleboy.substack.com.
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Featuring more bizarre audio he found in a bin somewhere.
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I started with a bit of music. Hope that's alright. It's quite pretty. And Pat made a little sketch. It's funny.
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Mic Wright walks us through the proposed revisions to laws surrounding public interest. Subscribe to his newsletter at brokenbottleboy.substack.com
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Cousin Davey brings a selection of naive music to #Yappfest - this podcast's very own festival. You can see video of all the happenings at www.youtube.com/nottodaypod
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Imagine. Two of the finest minds clashing, mano a mano, for a heavyweight political bout. Now imagine Amol Rajan in there instead.
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Mic Wright joins us for another fond look at GB News, while we can and there's a musical, and Amol Rajan interviews Sundar Pichai, and that's probably more or less it.
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Cousin Davey has more Beatle-based gubbins for your 'enjoyment'.
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Being half drunk rambling, half bucolic French soundscape. Or somethign. OH TYPOS AS WELL IS IT
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Mic Wright joins us (just, dear god but this has been a technological horror) to talk about News of the World and THE FOOPBALL
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Me and Davey worked HARD to bring this one to you. If only it had been worth it, ahahahahahaaaa oh godddddd.
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Dora spills on what Sue Barker gets up to the other 50 weeks of the year...
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Mic Wright, aka @brokenbottleboy explains the import of the mononym. And I gaze dazedly into the middle distance, with a nagging unease that I really ought to engage more. Subscribe to Mic's brilliant newsletter (it's free!) at brokenbottleboy.substack.com
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Cousin Davey is here and has ALL THE MAD STUFF for you xx
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A fun look at the life cycle of your average failed broadcasting startup. Plus - what childhood film or TV show left you forever traumatised? FUN NEW TALKING POINT. Email nottoday@swanburst.com
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Mic Wright explains when a dead cat IS a dead cat - subscribe to his newsletter at brokenbottleboy.substack.com
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More audio oddities for you, including my very favourite Enrique Iglesias clip. THERE IS NO SECOND FAVOURITE.
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Jon Holmes joins us for another balanced and fair debate, giving voice to the oppressed in society, eg white blokes. It's the hot new media trend and we want OUR PIECE OF THE ACTION. #ControversialForCoins
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GBNews, why Simon McCoy would make a bloody great manager, actually, and Bercow business. With the brilliant Mic Wright - go and subscribe to his fantastic newsletter here: https://brokenbottleboy.substack.com
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How the podcast is changing, er, again...
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Never mind advertisers boycotting - Cousin Davey has assembled a collection of adverts that should be boycotted themselves. Enjoy that Friday feeling a day early!
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In which I share some wonderful news about the future of the planet. Hooray! No, really!
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Also - some poetry shenanigans, and the inaugural Jon Holmes Figurine SwapShop...
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In which me and @brokenbottleboy Mic Wright appraise the modern media marvel that is GBNews. Go and read his full review at brokenbottleboy.substack.com
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Today we look at poetry and wait wait come back
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Made in 48 hours, a musical biography of Jeffzos' literal ascendance... Plus eclipselols and #Applausegate
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...Just a quick one while I crack on with this blimming musical I have to deliver tomorrow...
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We get in on the action of the hot new media trend of giving a platform to privileged white men, so that they can complain about not being given a platform.
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Mic Wright swings by to discuss coverage of the latest royal progeny. Which is very nice of him, but in all honesty you should go and subscribe to his fantastic newsletter here: https://brokenbottleboy.substack.com
Watch it happen LIVE on youtube on YouTube Monday-Thursday at 10AM UK time - subscribe at www.youtube.com/nottodaypod and click on the little jingly bell to get a reminder when we're on...!
It's the GRAND FINAL of the game EVERYONE has been TALKING ABOUT*!
*me and Davey
**really only within this podcast
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Everything to play for here. This really is anybody's game. Only joking lol it's me and Davey's ok IT'S DAVEY'S OK
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Will it be level pegging? And can you even SAY THAT ANY MORE
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Cousin Davey and me go batmano a mano
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Look, ok, THEY CAN'T ALL BE WINNERS. Feel free to go and listen to Rachel Maddow instead, today. She's very good.
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In which we oh god I need to get on with this musical ok see you tomorrow.
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Inveterate broadcaster Martin Kelner talks to Dora Dale about Alvin Stardust, Denis Healey and Joyce Grenfell and Norman Wisdom. Plus a new innovation in Community Policing.
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@BrokenBottleBoy returns with a fun roundup of BBC Bashing. You can read his brilliant work here: https://t.co/J8ceY5xHDg?amp=1 - and watch tomorrow's podcast being made at 10am UK time at www.youtube.com/nottodaypod - subscribe now and get an alert-thing!
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There's some absolute gold in here. Ooof.
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The world premiere, ahahaha of a new musical about London's lockdown easing and the Victorian scourge of London, Spring-Heeled Jack, who had metal hands and belched blue and white flames, and had red eyes - UNION JACK MORE LIKE. Etc. We'll do another one next week.
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Celebrating the celebrity-endorsed garbage that is slowly sucking any hope of a decent living for creators of almost anything, anywhere. Plus the Rocky Horror Show Debate.
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Getting teenage clicks all through the night with the new radio rock'n' roll: bigotry. We totally nailed it. We're going to be RICH!
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The first podcast made LIVE on youtube, with special guest Mic Wright. You can read his brilliant work here: https://t.co/J8ceY5xHDg?amp=1 - and watch tomorrow's podcast being made at 10am UK time at www.youtube.com/nottodaypod - subscribe now and get an alert-thing!
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Cousin Davey and I go head-to-head for the final Stream My Name Showdown...
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Cousin Davey is STILL here, and so are STEPH'S QUEPHS.
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I don't know what that is. It sounds awful.
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Cousin Davey hase weird audio for you to enjoy. Plus Steph's Quephs.
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Kicking off a run of six shows with Your Cousin Davey. It's going to be good.
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I forgot the main thing I was going to talk about, but HI HO. Tomorrow is another day and all that.
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LIVE recorded from my walk home this morning...
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In which we learn the difference between 'Minute' and 'Minute'.
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Part one of two with Cousin Davey exploring the musical massacrings of a very famous composer... Part two is out on Monday, unless you support the podcast on Patreon, in which case you can listen now AND hear the bonus episode! Head on over to patreon/nottodaypod to find out more. It's dirt cheap. How apt.
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Well, since I recorded this three hours ago and promptly FORGOT TO UPLOAD IT, let's find out what's iis episode together, shall we? Thanks to Jem for reminding me to ACTUALLY PUBLISH THIS THING
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...when it comes to sandwiches, I mean. Also: Marge or Mayo? Do you spread both insides, or only one? WHO EVEN ARE YOU
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In Which I Make A Sandwich And Little Else Happens. But: where do YOU stand on the MIXED PEEL DEBATE?
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Your Cousin Davey presents the audio battle of Jake vs Dave, Round Two...
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Just a quick update before I go and get my jab, for which I am insanely grateful. Today's title is from the song 'Transfusion' by Nervous Norvus. A classic. Check out the Vegan Life podcast, the podcast that's NOT JUST FOR VEGANS, OK right here: https://link.chtbl.com/veganlife xxx
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Plus: Cricket Terminology News and a trigger warning for vom anecdotes.x
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RRP Prince Phillip.
This will all make sense when you listen.
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Cousin Davey smurfs his smurf directly into Jake's ears, and it makes him smurf like a bottle-smurf.
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Children's Nursery Rhymes, plus #LineOfVomit and what have YOU done in the #BackOfABus?
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More jolly times discussing the horrors of childhood with Cousin Davey.
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WORSHIP MEhahaha ok relax, just some good-humored children with nothing troubling happening whatsoever. Don't forget - Cousin Davey wants ALL the novelty newsletters he can get!
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Wishing you a Highly Appropriate Easter, with some reasonably inappropriate audio troves from Cousin Davey.
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Continuing Davey's exploration of spiritual and religious audio esoterica...
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Cousin Davey continues Holy Week with some unholy found audio.
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This might be one of my favourite episodes ever. Davey introduces 'hu' to your favourite new religion.
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Kicking off two fun weeks of audio esoterica with Dave Yapp. And, because, you know, Easter, we're going all RELIGIOUS and SPIRITUAL. Ok? Cool.
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Your cousin Davey is here with some great advice from ALL THE COOL CATS. And David Essex.
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More on the search for the soundtrack. Plus some errrr mixtape suggestions, and a really obscure song from the past - I found ONE COPY of it on a backup disk from 2006. And I kind of wish I hadn't. It isn't very good.
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Plus, a pointless inventory of all the things I own that don't work. WHAT A TREAT.
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Sort of not really looking back, but maybe forwards a bit, that way you have to not look down when you're up a ladder. With the Reverend Lionel Crapping.
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FFS I made this HOURS AGO and it didn't UPLOAD. Gahhhhhhh sorry. Well, maybe run a bath or something. x
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In an even more excruciatingly tortuous endeavour than usual, Jake (that's me, typing this) plunders cousin Davey for some audio storytelling that almost certainly won't make it onto Audible.
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Today: French lols, TikTok and the new media economy, and another mouthwatering recipe from The Bible Cookbook, available now on Amazon.
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A little snippet of Amol piloting, plus some other assorted gubbins, including YOUR unseen movie synopses...
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Pretty sure this is how it goes. Yup. Also: #AllMen
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This title will only really make sense retrospectively. Your favourite cousin Davey has some more audio curios for you to enjoy...
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Looking forward to the launch!
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A kind of song war thing, except not.
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Pretty sure. If there's a song out there that exists, and you would like me to try to guess how it goes, email your suggestion to nottoday@swanburst.com
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I'd skip this one, if I were you. xx
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Cousin Davey is BACK with some truly appalling rap.
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crawls away from computer
Have a good weekend!
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I've go to get the tea on. Tic Tacs, though. Innit.
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Hello it is really really late and I need to go to bed now ok love you thanks so much #ok
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An exclusive reading from Nick Yapp's new book. Also hello! And try out my new website: www.jakeyapp.co.uk xxx
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Well, here it is. Your cousin Davey has compiled a whole hour, nearly, of listener-submitted audio oddities. GOOD LUCK TO YOU.
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Cousin Davey has more unspeakable audio catastrophe for you. I'm sorry.
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Cousin Davey is still here with more aural disasters for your pleasure.
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Cousin Davey has two utter disgraces for you today - enjoy!
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And he's got a whole lot of celebrities like you've never heard them before...
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Truly breathtaking comedy schtick from Michael Gove in 1992, taking in eating disorders, Hitler, and Princess Diana's suicide attempt. I'd say 'enjoy', but you won't.
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Been busy with my calculator. Captain Tom has a lot of walking to do to offset the government's financial ineptitude...
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...Here's more discordant disco for you, from collector and curator of audio oddness, Dave Yapp.
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Cousin Davey has a FEVER. A DICSO FEVER. Some utter travesties from the world of Disco music for you to 'enjoy'... Don't forget the Cousin Davey Spotify Playlist - it's right here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0tVaDrGoIFrzI97VwtSSFV?si=LdAhmnaeRhmK-jSJLx4Utw
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I should like you to know that my brother's ace. Not just compared to Piers Corbyn. Also, I'm like 87% confident he'll read this. Love you, brother x
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I'm not even kidding. Just listen. SPINACH CAN EMAIL YOU ABOUT BOMBS.
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Also introducing the Stock Photo Challenge, and what anagrams can YOU make out of Arsene Lupin?
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Adverts for cities. Weird, man.
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Featuring the return of some old friends. Hopefully see you for the patreon party tonight. Sign up here for $2: www.patreon.com/nottodaypod xxx
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Christmas 2.0 is a-coming! The goose is getting fat! Tell the goose to hit me up if it wants a Noom referral.
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Blue LEDs, Big Track, Superheroes and snow clearance in Maesteg. And loony stuff. Literally.
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YES! It's time to enjoy a fictional 80s throwback - not real, but no less forgettable.
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NTTY family member Martin Kelner talks to everyone's favourite filthy nonagenarian...
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Cousin Davey present more audio curios from around the world, including a World Champion Boxer pretending to be a Maharishi. Yikes.
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Today's podcast features a really loose way to make kimchi - it's really easy. And CHEAP. But I accept no responsibility for any food poisoning that ensues. Or anti-social botty-trumpeting.
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New superheroes, things we thought were rubbish but turned out to be good, and a new arrangement of Waving Through The Window, a lockdown song I wrote for BBC Radio Four.
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Laura Grimshaw tries to win a family car, without the slightest hope as it was never on offer.
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Sublime and ridiculous sounds to GET YOUR WEEKEND STARTED!!! meaningless
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...and why WE LOVE THEM. nb for 'WE' read 'RICH, MERCENARY PSYCHOPATHS' mny thx x
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Featuring Laura Grimshaw as our debut contestant on the not-remotely-actionable game show format - Wheel of Hangman! xx
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Plus a load of stuff. Thanks so much for all your stuff. xxx
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Plus! Computer-generated comfort bakes, and more of your Behind-The-Curve film and TV recommendations xxx
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But WHAT does he spit? Today featuring work by podcast favourite, Drake Have a lovely weekend, and don't forget that if you want part two, you can get it over at www.patreon.com/nottodaypod xxx
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In what I can only charitably describe as 'one for the fans', I take you through all the tabs currently open in my browser. It's wild, wild ride. Maybe go for the ep the day after the general election. I was quite good then. x
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...urhhhh I really MUST update my entries in the parliamentary book of members' interests. MUST MUST MUST.
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Pranks, films and assorted business.
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All the stuff, bruv. Have a listen is it
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And for that, at least, we must be grateful... With the last of the Ten Daves of Christmas. And he has most decidedly NOT saved the best for last.
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Plus more audio oddness from Cousin Davey x
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2020 is nearly done... Let's fritter twelve minutes of what's left of it away together xxx
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More audio weirdness from Cousin Davey, and the answer to yesterday's post-2017 description of a pre-2017 movie. If you've got one to share, send it to nottoday at swanburst dot com x
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Davey dishes up a mildly NSFW track from Kay Martin's execrable meisterwork, 'I Know What He Wants For Christmas'
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Recorded LIVE! Several days ago. Regardless - hope you're having a not-miserable time! xxx
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With more audio oddness from Dave Yapp... Try out the opera blobs here: https://artsandculture.google.com/experiment/blob-opera/AAHWrq360NcGbw?hl=en&cp=e30.
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And here's the article I was talking about https://brokenbottleboy.substack.com/p/the-toby-young-memorial-prize-for - h/t to @PabloBonzo!
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Plus more Christmaslolz with Cousin Davey, and some faaabulously funny emailed stories.
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In which me and Cousin Davey unwrap a piece of bizarre audio with a Christmassy theme each day until the new year... Enjoy!
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Happy Weekend! For the second part of this podcast, head over to www.patreon.com/nottodaypod and get access to badges, live watchalongs, bonus videos and podcasts and MORE. I'll have to think what that more is though. I can't remember off the top of my head. But there IS more. I swear.
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Morning! And a jolly nice advent piece of music... Anyway. Let's crack on. x
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Today: an old song about being old, youtube premiumlols, and our first submission to THE GALLERY! If you'd like to send in a picture, send it to: Suite 451, 20, St Loyes St, Bedford MK40 1ZL. Please note we are unable to return artworks, due to nausea.x
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Christmas has come early and I have an AMAZING NEW MACHINE.
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I messed up my audio and it's all a mess. Ha. But if you want MORE MESS, head over to www.patreon.com/nottodaypod to get the second half!
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Plus faaabulous gift sets - if you see any corkers, send them to nottoday@swanburst.com xxx
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Diner a deux for Boris and Ursula tonight... Swerves Route One Menu Sketch Idea involving Bully Beef and Sour Grapes etc phewwww
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ALSO we begin this year's Christmas Tat Roundup - send any proto-landfill you think is exceptional to nottoday@swanburst.com xxx
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Our fourth Advent Song is here, inspired by Fanny Cradock. Mm-mmmm xxx
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...not HIS, obviously. Just a heads up, this is just about safe for work and fambly, but there is a LOT of bleeped swearing, so you might want to exercise a little caution. And don't forget if you want part two, with John Wayne, one of the most famous voices in animation, and a Posh Actor all losing it, head over to www.patreon.com/NotTodayPod. Have a good weekend! xxx
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Drake brings us today's Advent Song, PLUS we have a FUN QUIZ and ASSORTED MAYHEM etc
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...Also, your TOP PICKS for London Mayor 2021, and our second Advent Calendar piece of music... HUGS x
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Today we open the first window of our virtual advent calendar...
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Hello there. Also: Lozza Fox, Reclaim, Trump and the Firing Squad, #CelebrityCampaigns and #OldSmells.
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More audio bizarreness from creator and curator of surreal sounds, Dave Yapp. For Part Two, head over to www.patreon.com/nottodaypod - and find out which London mayoral candidate has posted a v candid video about ummmm self-exploration...
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Also: What is YOUR most evocative #OldSmell? LOVE YOU
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YES it's early but I hadn't heard this joke anywhere else yet and wanted to get in early, OK? Mny thx xxx
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Why not? They've got that new monolith and EVERYTHING
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Are we... Is it... Could we finally be making a move towards hydrogen?
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Don't forget we'll be streaming the bake off LIVE on Sunday 2-4pm and that you can make a donation here: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/nottodaypod. Follow the podcast on Twitter (@nottodaypod) or Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/NotTodayPod) to find out how you can take part from your own home, baking a cake on Sunday afternoon...
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Old Smells, and everyone's favourite wobbly-tummied bulldog!
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The podcast is one year old today, and we are celebrating in style ok fine we haven't showered or anything, it's 2020, but we ARE talking to the brilliant Gretchen of www.gretchensveganbakery.com.
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Boris Johnson's had more pings than a er nope I can't think of nope sorry
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Happy. Not angry. Just happy. I PROMISE. Apart from when it comes to lentils. Flipping LENTILS.
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Special Guest Cousin Dave Yapp presents more audio oddities for your delectation. For the second, longer part of this podcast head over to www.patreon.com/nottodaypod to find out how to support the show! xxx
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Wa-heyyyy! Sounds like a lot of fun!
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Ooooh I love the Christmas ads, don't YOU? Plus, random Richard Dawkins, and some properly half-baked thinking aloud about Talking To The Opposition. You are MOST WELCOME xxx
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Joe Biden, Lord Kilclooney, and any other one of that seemingly unending parade of despicable rotters.
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Not to rain on anyone's parade or anything... But there is a lot to do. Also, fun games to play with bullfrogs...
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Dave Yapp returns with more audities, this time recorded a long time ago, in a studio far, far away... Have a good weekend! xxx
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God, Trump, Space Probes, Torture, Mink, and... Joe Wicks
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And Grumpy. And Dopey. And Bashful. Hopefully not Sneezy. Hang in there xxx
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Pre-Election lols, and what L.I.N.O. stands for.
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Lockdown 2! Electric Boogaloo! GREAT times ahead for Britain and the world. We'll be rounding up all the fun you can have, from eating salt to seeing how long you can hold your breath for in the bath.
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Hmmmmgrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrffffffffffffffff
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PLUS! Mad crashes with trucks filled with coins and RONA ROUNDUPS
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Rentier capitalism. Universal Basic Income, Chatty Packaging - Plus! What are YOUR top five Terrine Toppers?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?*
*I am punctuating in character, ok? I would never punctuate like that.
...actually, now, the more I think about that phrase, the more it sounds like a euphemism for lovemaking. Think about that, next time you see Trump say it. Also: vegan food nomenclature and plastic boxes.
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More on the FSM debacle,self-replicating crayfish, murder hornets and how to pronounce www.whhoo.com. xx
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...I was so hungry. And drunk. And it was delicious. (Copyright William Carlos Williams)
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Plus Trump Pride, and your Spot The Rock hi-scores...
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Why I am proud to have been sacked by Talk Radio. Oh! And I forgot to launch Spot The Rock! Here it is: https://www.whhoo.com/str/YEAHHH!
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...And here is an exclusive interview with his creator, featuring a never-before heard DJ The Best track. Merry Christmas xxx
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More audities from creator and curator of audio esoterica, Dave Yapp
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Bringing you the stories that matter, five days a week. LOVE YOU xxx
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President Trump has a new groove. PLUS we are SEVERAL STEPS CLOSER to finding DJ The Best...
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Also, though, we have a Play for Today quiz, and some kind of paranormal WEIRDNESS xxx
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Sharing two of my current biggest obsessions with you, today. Enjoy.
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Dr Erica McAlister makes a welcome return to the podcast to discuss the fly that landed on Mike Pence's head during this week's Vice-Presidential debate. And Dave Yapp shares more of his esoteric audio. Have a smashing weekend! xxx
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Also, v importantly: HOW TO COOK CABBAGE OK TRUST ME and some amazing first job stories...
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Also: David Ault tells you how to distribute your weiner, and I tell you how to lock it up.
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Also: How to grow a vaccine, why you should avoid Graham Norton (I met him once, and he was the nicest man ever) and why you should hold your nose. LOVE YOU BYE
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'Analysis' hahahahaa of the coverage of the President's Covid diagnosis, plus a new film by Ryan Gosling, and Arnie Does His Thing.
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Dave Yapp (HE'S MY COUSIN OMG) shares more of his extraordinary trove of oddio audities. Today: FRENCH STUFF.
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Channel 4 News, How to Manage a Presidential Debate, Digital Skills Boot Camps and the Luxury of Hope.
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The first debate took place last night. Really heartening stuff. Plus more Priti Nitty Gritty, and some commentary from Huw Edwards.
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Today: Frankie Boyle, Priti Patel, Polar Bears, German Foster Children, Austrian Chairman Emeritusses, Marsupials, Robert Pattinson, Crabs... and Dora Dale.
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How was your weekend? Oh, sorry. Trump's tax returns, Mothere Theresa, and Movie Quotes.
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'Friend' (ok fine, cousin) of the podcast Dave Yapp shares some obscure audio, all tied up in the ethereal world of sleep...
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'Ere. 'Ere! Show us your Kent Access Pass!
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Oh my god this morning was like wading through dog muck. But we got it done. Good morning!
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Taiwan, Geese annnnnd... Bald Beagle!
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The pirañas are circling Boris Johnson. Also, the weekend's anti-mask protests, the Diary of Fraser Nelson, why Paris Hilton is amazing, and ultimate hardcore billionaire philanthropy.
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Uh, stuff, like Trump and slavery and Russian planes and Laurence Fox and Tory Bungs and churches and things and such. Ok? BRILLO xxx
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Let's set up a new religion. Send me your #NewCommandments. It's @nottodaypod or nottoday at swanburst dot com. But please make sure they're all about making COIN. Mny thx. It's lovely to be back! x
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Good morning! How are you are you alright I MISS YOU OK but I am slowly getting my STUFFS together and can now present the new one Matt Hancock dropped overnight
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Hello from France. Nearly a fortnight now of hobbling along on phone internet, but TOMORROW I go and get the MAGIC BOX that will make EVERYTHING BETTER. In the meantime, here's an update from France... NORMAL SERVICE COMING VERY SOON NOW XXX
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An update from France, looking at the flora and fauna, and how to kill it and what bits to keep. Blechhhh
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I am very sorry for mispronouncing Maggie Philbin but it was late.
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A quick update from my mad, blundering about not knowing what I'm doing in France... It is going... WELL!
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...the continuing, revolting saga, written by listeners...
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Presenting the blood curdling, or at least nausea-inducing novella written entirely by the listeners to this podcast... More tomorrow!
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You will never look at aubergines or ladybirds the same way again. Have a good weekend! xxx
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Curator and creator of audio weirdness, my cousin Dave Yapp, takes us through the first part of a sexy, sexy mix...
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A short piece about massaging figures. Including mine.
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America's on fire again. :-(
Also, that time I nearly purchased a bog in Scotland because DEFINITELY SANE
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YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY BRIATIN ANY MORE MATE sorry, I read through a lot of comments sections this morning and I am not feeling well. Anyway. Enjoy! x
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Featuring your choices of best bits, and SOME NEWS. Thank you for being here. It means a lot xxxx
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...Discussing the Keep Britain Free movement with Brian Colt. Also: Dominic Cummings' Father-in-Law on errrr eugenics. It seems guys with hereditary hair loss just can't get enough of it.
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Amazing chicken facts in our final talk with Professor Christine Nicol, plus a new format developed by Harry and Meghan.
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...you don't want to know. Honestly, you don't. Plus PE with Lee Hardliwell - follow him @PEWithLee
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Also - American Mailboxes! Antibiotics! And we launch the thrilling summer read: Count Spatula...
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Ben and Jerry's have waded in on the migrant situation. And we share more Celebrity Stools. I know. I'm very sorry.
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Donald Trump wants to increase water consumption in the country that is the second-biggest consumer of water, because he has trouble rinsing his hair. Uh yup ok
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Morning! It's too hot for the gym, so I think I'll drink cocktails instead.
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We have some GREAT TIPS, along with the HOTTEST DATES from Toby Young's new dating site. Plus, the utter disgrace of PPE procurement contracts as revealed by YorkshireBylines.
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Uh, I think I covered everything in the title. Apart from charity shop self-help books.
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Morality in video games, pluuuuuus the Developers' Charter and IT'S A DUCK OK
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How to enhance your pipi ALL NATURAL SUPPLEMENTS V1AGRA C1AL1S etc etc ohhhhh the sodding Male Ego, plus we meet the Moto Duck. The what? Oh, just listen. x
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Professor Christine Nicol discusses whether fish feel pain or not, and we have a fun new workout with mega-not-depressed fitness coach, Lee Hardleywell.
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Being a short essay on why comedy is in such a parlous state right now. I mean, it isn't. But it's been... Oh, just listen to the damn thing. Also - pineapples, pears, and beansprouts.
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In which we look at tory bungs, and ask ourselves - are they big enough? Jacob Rees-Mogg sings a charming job advert, and OMG THANKS PATREONS xxx
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Exploring the funtime wackadoo claims of Dr Stella Immanuel, the woman Trump describes as 'impressive'.
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Today, um, you will hear sounds you never knew you needed to hear before.
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YOU PODCASTERS YOU ARE ALL ZE SAME
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Let's get the nation fighting-fit, Boris Johnson / Joe Wicks-style! Plus Dora Dale on Jack Charlton, and we ask for your REVENGE STORIES. Email yours to nottoday at swanburst dot com x
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Hostage selfies, Golden Visas (which sounds really horrifically euphemistic) and a bonus song because I felt guilty. xx
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Evy Lynch drops by to talk about The Prince of Persia, and what the game - nay, the man, Prince Dastan - meant to her. Plus some Corona Campaigning gone awry... Have a good weekend! xx
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Look, you probably can't handle the truthing I'm doing in this episode. We'll chew through the movie memorabilia and Dora Dale talking to Martin Kelner about Dame Vera Lynn, but there is a WAR GOING ON, and it's happening ON TV RIGHT NOW and up til now, we just COULDN'T SEE IT with our BLINKERED LITTLE EYES
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PLUS! Professor Christine Nicol talks about The Good Kind Of Animal Tourism - yes, there totally IS SOME. And Lord of the Rings thievery.
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Bless. Plus That's Lovely, and film memorabilialols. xxx
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It's short but sweet. Plus, I bloody love the Grimsby Telegraph.
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Bubonic plague lols, Apple's windfalls, The Men Who Love Amol, and yes. The new Drake single is out. Bon weekend! xxx
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FreeBritney, why hayfever is so bad (clue: MEN), and Dave Yapp, my cousin, shares some delightfully filthy and esoteric audio from his unique collection.
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Professor Christine Nicol shows us how the avians don't just squawk the squawk. Plus global fertility rates, and why they're bad BUT REALLY ARE THEY and LLAMA NEWS
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Actress and writer Jane Slavin talks about Crash Bandicoot, and how the unlikely little marsupial helped her through a tough time.
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Harry the Piano comes and does amazing things with his fingers, we have the world premiere of Cats in Party Hats, and I get very, very angry about space ffs.
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The debut of Martin Kelner on the podcast, talking to Antony Feral about how he's been coping with lockdown. And the finished version of the Subvert The Patriarchy summertime feelgood 90s party classic. Have a good weekend!
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There's not a single noise that he can't do. Especially drowning, it turns out.
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Professor Christine Nicol explores the concept of happiness and Joel shares a moving story in Game Saves.
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In which we smash the patriarchy, big willy style, which seems either appropriate, or wildly not. Plus a fun Kanye Kwiz
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The Six Grandfathers, The Pigeon Netting Supply Company and the Chocolatier, and HARRY THE PIANO is BACK! Go and follow him on twitter: @harrythepiano
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Jon Holmes talks about his formative years, set against the backdrop of Tomb Raider. Also: ALL THE NEWS HAPPENED. Have a lovely weekend!
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MASSIVE CONGRATS to Russia's Greatest Love Machine on securing potentially another 16 years in the top spot!
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Introducing the brilliant Professor Christine Nicol, who today explains what constitutes a luxury item to a chicken. Or, for that matter, to a human.
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Seriously. Plus Games Saves, That's Lovely, and news about New Things coming...
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Game Saves, Amol, That's NOT Lovely, and Great Smell Combos...
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In which we find out what video games meant what to whom. Also music, spices, and WHAT THE HELL IS ROBIN DOING TO BATMAN
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GREAT SHOW PHIL
Plus, adventures in America and the launch of Game Saves...
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Jacob Rees-Mogg is back, oh yay, and so is That's Lovely, with a double-barrelled special.
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More of Your Questions Answered, plus an UNBOXING of a MYSTERY GIFT!
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In which I regale LUCKY YOU with lots of STUFF about ME. Also, happy summer solstice!
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Today is Joe Wicks' last daily session for lockdown. And we sing him off in style.
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In which we retreat a little, into fun, spurious news, because it's all a bit grim out there, isn't it? More sort of tea-and-a-biscuit time than eight cans of Stella and a car park. xxx
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Also, some other bits and pieces and things and whatnot, look, it was over ten minutes ago I made this and I tend to block out trauma. Enjoy xxx
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Amol interviews THE POPE yessss quite a Get Amol, thank you Amol etc. Plus That's Lovely and 2048 Balls is the BEST GAME EVER (this week) and WHO is our listener's FAMOUS COUSIN?
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A dog, remixed. Plus: old French soap opera titles audio described and GEREMY WINE LUCKY TIME PLEASE NOW WHATSAPP
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And the toughest brief ever - writing a jolly song about having a cancer op from long-time listener Rodney. I... I mean, I think I did it... 150 shows! Thanks so much for your support! xxx
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All the lols today: The trans brouhaha and Gone With The Wind. Because we should all be giving a damn. Plus: That's Lovely, with Brindsley Dearlove.
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Not so much any more - I'll explain why in the podcast. Plus, fighting racism with hot beverages, and er Bat Belts because sure why not.
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In which I demonstrate my world-famous casual gaming skillz, plus more of That's Lovely, with Brindsley Dearlove. Email YOUR lovely pictures to nottoday at swanburst dot com x
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Today, we remember, sorry, attempt to forget about Edward Colston, as his statue is dumped in Bristol harbour. Amol Rajan returns from paternity leave, and we have more That's Lovely, with Brinsley Dearlove. And I lose it.
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In which we share some AWESOME MacGyver Life Hacks, and Harry the Piano joins us for some musical wizardry...
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Prime Minister's Questions is turning into a bloodsport, innit? I love it. Also, That's Lovely (is it, though?) and some awesome life hackswhen listeners #MacGyverSomething.
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I thought we should muck about a bit today. xxx
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Ok, well, um, I went off on one. xxx
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In which we LEAVE THE STUDIO for a little promenade to assess the lockdown easing. Plus fun with smart speakers and a quick test of the World-Leading Track 'n' Trace Hotline.
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Also, more Desert Island Fridges, and Harry the Piano makes his Not Today, Thank You debut!
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Space X had an aborted mission yesterday, due to light drizzle. Classic. We have more Desert Island Fridges, Home Infusions, and stuff.
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Today: Drake, Black Lace, Fridges and Jamaica.
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Cummings A Cropper. Whatever. Also: some #DesertIslandFridge stuff, more Film Theory, and a new old song... See you tomorrow!
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Amol has excelled even himself. As has Dominic Cummings. And we have some exciting news about future features... 'Happy' 'Bank' 'Holiday' ahahaaaaaaa
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Simply Red? Simply SAYING WHAT WE'RE THINKING, MATE. Plus all the stuff. You know.
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Plus! Keir Starmer animalols, and the most pure, pure Amol you could ever have imagined.
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I didn't get an awful lot of sleep. There's a guy next door who looks like a baseball, with a milky eye, and he likes to catch up with friends on his phone at about 4am in the garden. I'm just trying to contextualise this episode... x
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A new sitcom from the late 60s / early 70s that's unutterably depressing. Plus listener top trumps, bad teen movies form the 90sEXCITING NEWS FROM JEM.
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After the weekend's Eurovision, I am inspired to SORT OUT the Not Today, Thank You Band. Also, crowded trains, bad films, bad food, and some human Top Trumps.
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Joyful birth of exquisite royal baby and now we celebrate with traditional styles of royal pageantry.
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In which we finally try to get someone to explain the R Rate because literally not everyone explains it every time it gets mentioned on the news all the time at all ever.
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Unveiling the new one from Drake...
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The Magical Kingdom has re-opened! Marvellous. Plus handy Lockdown Conversational German and assorted bits.
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Well, that's that then, isn't it. A very happy Magic Monday to you, and remember - it's not safe enough for you to have fun, but it IS safe enough for you to go to work and make some money for others. Mmmkay? Great chat.
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We commemorate VE Day, enjoy some quite touching (and also disgusting) foreign exchange stories, and end on a lovely song played by Harry the Piano...
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Turkish Delight - the debate spills over into rioting, as listeners to the podcast take to the streets and openly brawl over whether it's nice or not. I may be exaggerating. Also, a TV choice for you, Alexander Armstrong, and your Foreign Exchange horrors...
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Fun stories from foreign exchanges, plus, guys, can you just wean yourselves off money? It'd REALLY help out the government. Thaaaaaanks hun xoxo
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Today: What does and ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT go with chocolate NUMBER 18 WILL AMAZE YOU etc, weird experiments with coffee and butter, and we drop in on some highly scrupulous pastors praying away the covid. x
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Turkish Delight, Tea and Coffee, and J'accuse haikus - it's all.. It's all quite, quite lovely.
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In which we learn about why you don't want an errant inflection when speaking Chinese, Amol discusses lockdown shows, and my old cat Maisie heckles me incessantly in 2008.
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Let's just bust out of here. Just for a bit, shall we? It'll be fun. I think. Will it? Well, let's find out. Plus, more hot and cold foods. And a HUGE thank you to the patreons who have made this podcast possible. To find out more about supporting the show, and the exclusive live video feed, head over to patreon.com/nottodaypod. x
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Including, but not limited to: Custard, Gravy, Jelly, Pies, Milk, and Toast. And an entirely new way of eating cereal (clue: it's not through the nose)
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Today, find out what happened to la plume de ma tante, we have a fun new song for you, and some Radio 2 phone-in fun...
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A quick roundup of some absolutely top-hole medical advice being given out by our glorious world leaders, including, today, injecting yourself with disinfectant. Yes, you read that right. And the finished version of the Killing Eve song, sung by the amazing @JessieRobinson. have a good weekend - see you on Monday! xxx
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Social distancing measures are set to continue in some form until at least the end of the year. God, I am missing thrusting my head between the thighs of my rugby friends so much. Love sport. With my guy friends. So much. Thighs. Also, a roundup of all the wheels coming off in world politics, and a poetry lesson for you. Look after yourself xxx
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Well, you know the old adage: be careful what you wish for. Although, on reflection, I realise none of you asked for this.
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The fun new game for your 'smart' phone. Plus a lesson in Computer Science in the NTTY Home School, and assorted gubbins etc mny thx love you bye x
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It's Monday, it's near as dammit 6am, and that can only mean one thing... Plus, strange things the neighbours do with cigarettes, and we launch our new NTTY playlist...
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A bittersweet day - it's our final TGI Flyday with Dr Erica McAlister. Plus your rude words made from the Periodic Table, and various gubbins. Have a good weekend xxx
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Gardening tips, Miamilols, and the world premiere of one of my favourite songs ever (ok fine it's because it's the newest one), featuring vocals from the amazing Sooz Kempner.
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An account of a brief sojourn in Florida a few years back, plus your #WordThrowbacks (keep 'em coming) and assorted gubbins. I'm having a clearout.
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Mysteries of the Unexplained with Eamonn Holmes, classical favourites as you've (hopefully) never heard them before, and no number game fun. Have a blessed day! xx
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We drop in on the AB of C, and then find out what happens to Dominic Raab in the Enchanted Kingdom...
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Today: A new religious spot, with the Reverend Lionel Crapping, a radio play, and Dominic Raab's beans are growing. Ew. Stop. Have a good weekend!
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Also: How To Make A Terrarium, today's Outdown results, and Neighbours From Hell, ok, fine, not hell. They're actually from Romania. Which is fine.
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Amol Rajan's summertime banger has finally dropped (oi - don't call my Audi a banger!!! - MEDIA ED) and we catch up with Dominic Raab and his coronavirus strategy. Plus a terrifying tale of football match tensions from Matt. Have a good day!
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Morning! Or afternoon, or, you know, HELLO ARCHAEOLOGISTS IN THE YEAR AC 123. Today: Dominic Raab gets briefed in, and we have another radio play. Also, the first results of OutDown, which worked!
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Unveiling a compelling new Radio Drama, launching a fun new number challenge from David that doesn't involve pencil and paper and crying, and assorted gubbins. Sleepy today. Shall we regroup tomorrow?
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It is our 100th episode! So we're looking back at what the world looked like 100 years ago, in November of last year. And unveiling the new listener's choir, singing the new theme tune. It's SO DAMN GOOD. Well done, everyone!
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yo yo yo guys Amol Rajan here whassuuuuppppppp jus droppin u a line to say hi hehehe n i hop u luv da show got some FRESH audi facts for you check it peace
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Today: Joe Wicks has destroyed my bum, possibly forever, we find some escapism in the Open University, and assorted other bits and bobs. And such.
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Gregg Wallace takes us on a tour. Plus a music lesson, a royal catchup and David's Puzzle of the Day.
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A modicum of good news for you this morning - rapid technological development of a new CPAP machine to aid coronavirus patients. Plus a dancing lesson, things to do with your unwanted beanwater, and more of your blasted Jaffa Cake News.
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And other things that will have absolutely no effect whatsoever on the coronavirus. Plus, From Our Madrid Correspondent aka My Brother Joe, and TGI Flyday buzzes round again, with Dr Erica McAlister.
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Despite Rishi Sunak's pledge to find a solution for the self-employed, the building sites remain open.
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...The first one being, Don't Go To A Building Site In The Middle Of A Pandemic. PLUS: our inaugural Foreign Correspondent, an RE lesson in our NTTY Home School, which doesn't go well, and the webular debut of the thirty-year-old cassette of a band called GOOSE
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We're in safe hands. Caring hands. The caring hands of 'not a feminist' Dominic Raab. Sorry ladies. Looks like he's a man's man. In the NTTY Home School, we're learning Spanish today, and there's a new jingle for #ShowUsYourDrawers
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The millionaires who can't stop winning, even when everyone else is losing. And the Not Today, Thank You Home School is officially OPEN. Plus Patrick Moore's Feline Airlock, and how to win at virtual house parties.
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To-day we are go-ing to the shops. Mum-my wants to buy some bread. Dad-dy wants to buy some whi-sky. He is go-ing to have a right old ding-dong with the man who got the last bot-tle. Plus TGI Flyday with Dr Erica McAlister and the reveal of this week's Turn Of Phrase TM. Have a lovely weekend! .
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Today: Amol on Eastenders and Question Time, how to (and how not to) broadcast remotely, and, with self-isolation fever kicking in, we get bored and look inside each other's drawers...
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Today: Insurers startle everyone, sorry, not a living soul, Boris Johnson answers tough (multiple choice) questions, and we continue our quest for the perfect way to load a dishwasher. Plus some comic comfort on the coronavirus front. And some GOOD NEWS. I promise.
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Looking at everybody's response to Covid-19 - the government, the media, and us. Plus some silly games to play and a magnificent bout of civic flatulence to make us all feel better because at least we weren't that mayor who left his radio mic on when he went to the bathroom...
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Today! Coronavirus stuff officially stops being funny, ventilation production steps up, fun ways to make your own drinkable hand sanitiser, and our fun game show Turn of Phrase returns - with a twist!
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Amol Rajan takes you on a Portillo-style train journey to Salford, while the Natural History Museum's Dr Erica McAlister has Fun with Flies. And Sir Ian Bowler MP talks about the Coronavirus, and his government's response. Plus Sajid Javid Dog News.
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Today: Boxing, Rishi Sunak's Budget Debut, Sport Relief, BeeGees Facts, and What To Do With All Your Excess Toilet Paper.
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GUYS! HOT Phillip Schofield goss! WE LOVE IT. Plus a lovely baked potato addition to Newsnight and some Bee Gees Facts. Have a lovely day!
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...so said Boris Johnson yesterday, and we have the remix. Also: Radio Three, Steve Backshall, Bee Gee Facts, coronavirus, obviously, and more of your CONFOUNDED JAFFA CAKE NEWS DAMN YOU
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Today: Coronavirus lols, Princess Meghan and her new admirer, new MBEs, and DA-DA-DA-DARRRRR; ANDREW MARR. It is NICE TO BE BACK.
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Today! Jeremy Hunt! Crufts! And more dipteralols with Lady of the Flies, Dr Erica McAlister... Have a good weekend!
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Lolsy coronavirus news for you, plus the #skullbreakerchallenge, Jaffa Cake News, and another
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The secret of French comedy, Things You Find In AirBnBs, Super Tuesday, Julian Assange, and some random cows. LOVE YOU xxx
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This might not be for everybody. It's a half-hour-long potted autobiography, filled with self-indulgent sentimentality, positively wallowing in middle-class, first-world angst, and deserving of your contempt. Maybe skip this one. Actually, definitely. But it DOES explain What I Am Doing In France. And there is quite a funny sketch about cake decorating.
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Hello, chers amis. Welcome to France. Something of a soft launch to the week, as I was soft-launching quite a lot last night. But, in this succinct little episode: Clare Balding, Gene Kelly, The Prince oLa La Land, Rory Stewart and Mo Farrah...
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Jacob Rees-Mogg is happy to slum it with Walkers' crisps, apparently. Also, Amol Rajan on what comedy to watch, Dr Erica McAlister on pollinating flies, and we reveal the answers to this week's challenges. Have a lovely weekend!
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More funny made-up words from Your Government, Fanny made-up recipes from Fanny Cradock, and game shows and pets and loads of stuff too disparate to list here. Why not have a listen? It's FREE!
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Here's something a bit different. I thought I'd give it a go, since it was in my head and maddening me a little. An exciting new drama, set six months into the future... Let me know what you think!
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Headers are to be not-exactly-banned in football, news about what Trump's chefs try to hide in his mashed potato, and Amol Rajan talks about SEX in a completely chill way. Plus more celebrity encounters.
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Friends is coming back! Which is weird, since the careers of everyone involved have been going so well. Plus Dominic Cummings needs a new SPAD-wrangler, and Dora Dale answers your... intimate... problems...
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Dominic Cummings' latest schemes - not eugenicky, nope, not at all. We have our TGI Flyday Fly Of The Week with Dr Erica McAlister from the Natural History Museum, and Dora Dale and Martin Kelner have a rummage around Richard Whiteley's boudoir in a rare bit of archive. Have a lovely weekend!
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Andrew Marr chit-chats to Priti Patel about the new immigration procedure, plus John Kay's flood reportage analysed, and ok FINE some Jaffa Cake News. You people make me sick.
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Richard Dawkins started talking about eating meat cultured from Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall on Twitter yesterday. Well, not exactly. But. Whose would YOU eat? Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the nation's favourite Prince - Andrew! The bells will be ringing, apparently. Plus, a mercifully-innocuous story from backstage at Top of the Pops.
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Dominic Cummings' special forecaster has been fired, sorry, resigned, after some special theories got expounded, and there was YET ANOTHER LABOUR LEADERS' DEBATE
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Plus! A new feature! Showbiz Fix! Fun! Flirty! Foul! And other stuff. Sorry this showed up so late in your feed. We've had technical nightmares, but we're up and running again now...
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Sajid Javid makes amends with Dominic 'Be-'Cummings, we reveal this week's Turn Of Phrase, synaesthesia, self-help books, and the amazing Dr Erica McAlister from the Natural History Museum kicks off our TGI Flydays. Follow her! @flygirl
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It's cabinet reshuffle day, and our robot minister gives us a unique insight into the behaviour of these strange creatures. Plus Rory Stewart's 500 nights in strangers' beds, and what to say in Dutch if you don't want to get shot.
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Dominic Cummings' take on a children's favourite, plus Amol Rajan on the new role of Ofcom in regulating The Whole Of The Internet (good luck everyone) and today's square is revealed in Turn of Phrase.
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The windrush flight took off this morning, HS2's been approved, and life is just so jolly and fun. So to cheer us up, I'm launching the new podcast gameshow. 'TURN OF PHRASE' - Can YOU guess the turn of phrase behind the boxes?
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Featuring Olivia Coleman positively GUSHING, Leo Varadkar on the Irish election, and the Diary of Fraser Nelson, part two...
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PLUS: Percentages explained further, by ace listeners Sam, David and Jem. Have a lovely weekend, and have a look at patreon.com/nottodaypod to find out more about the show, and STUFF YOU CAN GET! x
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AKA Fun Things To Do To Public Services With An 80-Strong Majority. Also, fashion statements with Geremy Wine, the coolest thing about percentages you will EVER LEARN, and, damn you all, Jaffa Cake News.
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Trump gave his state of the union address last night, and Nancy Pelosi managed not to use the bucket. Also, BBC Four did Life Drawing, and we have an exclusive snippet of Rory Stewart's new podcast.
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KnifeFree Chicken, Boris Johnson's curative approach to crime, a new podcast from John Major and Tony Blair, BBC1 HD idents, and why The British Press is Actually Ace. Morning!
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Also featuring the Cirque Du Soleil's incredible performance at the BAFTA awards last night, and just some of the superb writings that Brexit has inspired in lovers of TRUE FREEDOM EVERYWHERE NO NEED FOR ALL THEM EUROPEAN COMMAS ANY MORE MATE. Also! You can now support the show at www.patreon.com/nottodaypod - check out the perks!
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Well, that's that, then. Brexit Got Done. Also, a song about shiny suits. Let's all hide under the duvet for a bit.
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Northern Rail has lost its franchise, and quite a lot of taxpayers' money, too. LET'S CRUNCH SOME NUMBERS ON THAT GUYS. And Amol Rajan provides some fantastic analysis of the 80 million in cuts to BBC News. And of extremely rare Audis. Plus, Things You Did in 48 Hours.
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Why can't you just agree to this deal I made for myself? God, you're so selfish. Plus, get to know a modern-day political banter legend, with a profile of a very, very sexy MEP.
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Box sets! Video calls! And oh yeah absolutely no security. Comes to something when you find yourself siding with Jeremy Hunt. Also: Satanists are big fans of Trump's Personal Pastor, some potentially very cool CO2 news, a new BBC2 series with a dishy Generic Scottish Bloke, and where it all went wrong for Trumpton.
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Featuring Chris Packham and the gang presenting Right Wing Watch, a brief hello from Naz and Scooby, the new Brexit Coin, and wardrobe malfunctions...
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It's the 50th show! And we are celebrating in style with Rory Stewart giving us a soulful song about trees, why I am not keen on Alexander Armstrong's beliefs, and a special guest appearance of Metal Kids' Show Theme-Manglers, Slay Duggee - follow them on Twitter @SlayDuggee. Have a good weekend!
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Featuring the House of Lords, and how it's doing in Yorkshire, your wardrobe mishaps, and a fun new thread - what TV shows have theme tunes better than the actual show...?
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BUCK. BUCK Trump. In the 25th Century. Wait, 26th. Too late now. Also, a joyless new sitcom for BBC Radio 4, and one listener gives Bagpuss one hell of a going over. It's brilliant.
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All of that. Plus everyone's exceedingly funny ideas for Harry and Meghan's show pitches to Netflix. Well done, all. See you tomorrow! Oh, and would you mind pressing that 'Subscribe' button, there? Just... Up a... Bit... Somewhere there. Anyway x
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A look ahead to this week's Davos summit, plus the beginnings of Johnsonian politics, and the real Project Fear, and who's really projecting it.
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Hello from Somewhere In Wales. It has been quite a mission, getting this to you. Find out more in the podcast. PLUS: Monty Don Gets It On, and your chance to have your very own mouthful of Snoop Dogg...
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...which is a dressed-up way of telling you I had to whisper the whole thing from a very quiet AirBnB. But there's a lot of fun in here - Usher on Loose Women, Arnie having a marriage breakup, and dumbed-down Mastermind... I will be LOUDER TOMORROW x
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Sorry it's late - I was a bit poorly* last night. Anyway, here it is!
*splatty
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Morning! Featuring a royal conference call, global debt, Priti Patel's hot take on the racist press and how it relates to Lulu, and some #AltLoveHearts
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Yes, Love Island returns, and what's wrong with that, eh. Also: Royals News, the Festival of Brexit, and Jeff BOZOS MORE LIKE I ALWAYS SAY ok thanks. Plus: what you're drinking right now.
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As the fallout continues over #Megxit, a roundup of the rabid pundits reacting to the news. Plus YOUR suggestions for who should serve as a government advisor. Have a good weekend!
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Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are off. Also, we have some Corrections, Clarifications and Omissions, and some frankly scandalous anonymous emails about How To Win Competitions...
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Morning! Or afternoon or whatever. It all kicked off about Jaffa Cakes. Not the most pressing issue, but we also covered Brexit talks. But it was mainly Jaffa Cakes. I'll try to move on for tomorrow. But I'll fail.
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In which Emily Thornberry gives elocution lessons to Rebecca Long-Bailey, Radio 3 dumbs down, and we have some fun adverts from The Sun and Burger King and things and such ok fine this podcast is really late sorry I shall get on with uploading it now ok bye
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Happy New Year! It's great to be back MATE I TELL YOU WHAT THE BBC BIAS IT'S A JOKE MATE I WOULDN'T EVEN GO ON QUESTION TIME IF YOU OFFERED ME A MILLION QUID etc. Also: Trump on Iran, the Golden Globes, rail fare price hikes, and highly unbiased GEREMY WINE
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Not-quite-the-concluding part of the Nick Knowles saga. I'll try to get the last bit done at SOME POINT over the weekend. Although somebody's chucked a big musical finish in there. HEROIC WORK. The normal podcast returns Monday 6th Jan!
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Who has been behind the nefarious doings? All is about to be revealed, like a Changing Rooms Home Makeovers... 3-2-1... Open your eyes!
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Special Guest Star: Paul Coia
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More unexpurgated and spurious filth
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A mystery chopper, with a new man behind it. Continuing our crowd-written Nick Knowles fanfic...
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It continues! Thanks to heroic efforts by the crowd-writing team, Nick Knowles' steamy, and edge-of-the-seat exploits are extended far beyond an appropriate length. Tuck in! There'll be more tomorrow.
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The thrilling climax to our Nick Knowles erotica. Or IS IT? I literally don't know. I'll have to check the Google Doc later on, and see if anyone's written any more...
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More of our crowd-written adult novel concerning the fictionalised life and times of Nick Knowles. Today: Nick enlists the help of two hirsute motorcyclists...
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The continuing, crowd-written adventures of TV's Nick Knowles. Today: Knowles finds himself bound to a trellis in Charlie Dimmock's basement...
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Being a continuation of the seminal Nick Knowles adult fiction written entirely by listeners to this podcast. Merry Christmas! More tomorrow...
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After a perhaps long-overdue reappraisal of the original, I humbly offer a new interpretation of Fairytale of New York for the Modern Age. Also - Amol Rajan interviewed Ian Hislop last night - we have an exclusive clip. And more of the seminal erotic novel about Nick Knowles.
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Featuring the ultimate one-size-fits all distillation of every Christmas into two-and-a-half minutes, a quick tour around the ITV Hub, and the thrilling premiere of Fifty Trades of Grey, the crowd-written erotic novel about Nick Knowles. If YOU would like to write a bit of it, then feel free to make your contribution. Here's the link to the google doc: https://tinyurl.com/yxxao63a
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Reviews of Cats - The Movie, Secret Lemonade Licking, and the beginning of what I hope will become a perpetual strand: Nick Knowles Fan Fiction. Have a lovely weekend!
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Sometimes a seeming disaster gives rise to something magical. Michael Rosen and I went to Salford to record Friday's Christmas edition of The Verb on BBC Radio 3. And on the way back, a fallen tree caused our train to stop, go to reduced power, and finally, to plunge us all into darkness.
As we waited for around an hour and a half for another train to come, Michael Rosen charmed and cheered the 'Quiet' carriage with songs and poems and funny stories. Frankly, it was one of those proper once-in-a-lifetime experiences. Have a look at our twitter thread, if you're bored. We pretended to be in different carriages. https://twitter.com/jakeyapp/status/1207430634169405440
Anyway. Here's a flavour of it, hastily recorded on an ipad, so forgive the sound quality.
As I write, it's just turning 2am. It's another hour and a half to London, and from there I shall have to take a taxi to Bedford.
I reckon it was worth it.
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In which I have a look at A Berry Royal Christmas, an offering from the BBC with a Christmassy blend of alcoholism, human despair and cake. Plus - I am off to Salford today, so have a jazzy musical take on BBC Breakfast...
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In which Gregg Wallace takes us inside the magical factory where dreams are made reality - TELEVISION - the Marvel of the Modern Age, allowing us to point at things and go 'wow!' Also, news that the alcohol in mince pies can put you over the limit, and all the foods YOU have been hoarding.
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As the Labour Party tries to rebuild itself, Boris has to face the reality of how to Got Brexit Did. Plus, Sports Personality of the Year, and the return of a much-missed old friend.
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The results of the General Election are in.
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Jake Yapp brings you a preview of tonight's election coverage, Amol Rajan explores the mysterious world of Facebook advertising, and we have some stupendous election audio from David Van Day. It's truly breathtaking. GOOD LUCK, EVERYONE.
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In which we draw back the velvet curtain and are briefly allowed a privileged glimpse into the world of PR, we hear an exclusive song from Billy Bragg, and Postman Pat gets a hell of a going over.
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After Boris Johnson attempts to trouser a journalist's mobile phone during an interview, I have some advice: Think BBC. Also: Elton John's Million Pound Piano, and Andrew Lloyd-Webber's Eurovision Entry. Plus your coach stories and confessions. Follow me on @nottodaypod on the Twitter. Morning!
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John McDonnell was on the Today programme this morning, discussing policylols with A Actual Billionaire. I applied my usual in-depth analysis to that. Incidentally, all the figures in the sketches are accurate, as far as I could research. Just saying. Plus we have some Andrew Marr fun. Plus Your Confessions, which are marvellous. If you have any more, or any fun stories about coach trips, email nottoday@swanburst.com. Thanks for listening, and do consider subscribing and sharing if you're enjoying the show!
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Andrew Neil challenged Boris Johnson to come and debate him on TV last night - we have some exclusive audio. Also the politician-interview tango, a second Xmas Pressie Roundup - the #BOGBANTZ continue, I'm afraid - and Geremy Wine trawls for calls...
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Morning! Today we have an exclusive extract from Richard Dawkins new webinar series, 'Phallusies', a brief snatch of Jo Swinson, and your suggestions for which Christmas song to ban. If you'd like to get in touch, it's nottodaypod on twitter, or email nottoday at swanburst dot com. Thanks!
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Radio 1 In Two Minutes, the absolute worst tat, I mean, most EXCELLENT Christmas Presents of the year, Modern Mr Men, and more horrific stories about defective Kates Bush.
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Trump is at a NATO ceremony in Watford today, and Johnson is hoping he'll keep his mouth SHUT. We have an exclusive extract from Will Self's new Radio 4 Series 'Will Self Walks a Mile', and more of your mundane dreams, defective Kate Bushes, and unheeded warnings.
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Andrew Marr interviews Boris Johnson, Nick Robinson And Garry Withersport behinds the scenes in the Today studio, and your stories about lousy bargains in #YoureTheExpert.
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A senior edition of Top Gear for you, following on from Jeremy Clarkson blaming Greta Thunberg for killing the car show. Plus listener's stories about nearly exploding with irony, and a musical extravaganza from musical sensation The Lightfooters. Bon weekend!
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Morning! Being a fun medley of Fraser Nelson's historically-important account of life in London in the Dark Ages (2019), and THAT John Lewis Christmas advert. We have a new email address - today we're asking: what's the last time you almost exploded with irony? Email Not Today at Swanburst dot com.
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Today: A profile of your next Prime Minister, Jo Swinson, a review of last night's BBC3 on BBC1 offering: Plastic Surgery Undressed, and a hat tip to our hero of the last 24 hours, Green MEP Molly Scott-Cato...
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Yes, we get all fun 'n' jazzy 'n' highly inappropriate with the most controversial film of the year, in order to try to bring the film's important message to the Frozen 2 audience. Plus we visit a parallel universe.
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Morning! In which we find out Where Jacob Rees-Mogg Is, and a fabulous treat for your gran this Christmas - it can only be Xander...
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Ok so yesterday went absolutely bonkerlols and I am typing this well into my eighteenth hour of working, so I'll keep it brief. But I was joined by the wonderful Natt Tapley, we have a song about the G20, and the absolutely most hilarious #YoureTheExpert ever. Well done, everyone.
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I had no idea the American robin's latin name was Turdus Migratorius. Anyway. Priti Patel is our tweet, sorry, twit of the day. Also: Impeachment news, and assorted mucking about.
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The leaders' debate last night - what do Actual People think? Plus Nigel Farage's Grandstand, and Geremy Wine with the coolest phone-in on the radio. I'll get more sleep tonight, I promise.
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Looking ahead to tonight's leaders' debate on ITV, and sadly reflecting on the end of KPMG's partnership with Pitch@Palace. Maybe Andrew should set up Pitch@Putt@Palace. Or maybe getting up at 5.45 is really starting to kick in.
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Good MORNING! And welcome to episode one of Not Today, Thank You. Today, Jake Yapp looks at the fallout from Prince Andrew's fabulous Newsnight interview, and we have some Top Media Insight from Amol.
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We launch properly on November 18th at 8am... Make sure you subscribe, so you don't miss out when you forget all about this because PEOPLE'S MENTAL LOADS THESE DAYS ARE RIDICULOUS. You work too hard. Maybe book a spa day or something.
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