What's the secret to a long marriage? Sondra shares her short list of tips for an enduring, God-first marriage. “What’s your secret?” Her question caught me completely off-guard.

My practitioner was much younger and curious. How had my husband, Pete, and I achieved the forty-year milestone?

Surprised, I laughed lamely as if to say, “Surely we don’t have time to get into that!”

At the outset, Pete and I were among the least likely to be long-married. We’d wed shortly after high school; I was pregnant. In addition to our general immaturity and my immense insecurity, we were the classic “unequally yoked” couple (2 Cor. 6:14). Surely, we checked every box on the Marriages Doomed to Fail list.

Like every marriage, ours was severely tested in ways we couldn’t have predicted: dairy industry disruptions; farm disasters; extended family dynamics; my college and career journey; plus all the perils and pressures of raising a family. The fabric of our union was often frayed and sometimes unraveling.

How did it happen we’d made it to this sweet season of fruition? Forty-plus years in, we’ve devised a short list of principles for the long haul – in marriage and in life.

I married Pete without a clue about the life we’d lead or what it meant to be a farmer’s wife.

Sondra Smith

1. Keep short accounts.“… But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 3:13-14

God makes it easy to keep short accounts by daily seeking His forgiveness and determining to forgive others, just as Jesus taught us to do (Matt. 6:9-15, Matt.18:15-35).

R.T. Kendall says we’ve truly forgiven only when we don’t need to tell anyone – a brilliant litmus test. If I’m over it, why am I talking about it? According to the Apostle Paul, “Love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs” (1 Cor. 13:5). We must ditch the scorecard.

That’s not to say we weren’t hurt, or it doesn’t matter. It’s only to say we can move on. Healing is possible, friend. We’re renewed by the power of the same Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead (Romans 6:10-11)!

Moreover, Paul speaks to intentionally forgetting the past – refusing to consider the offenses, regrets, and failures we replay in our minds. Biblical mindfulness is an excellent strategy to put off the old and put on the new (Eph. 4:22-24, Col. 3:9-10).

1. Hone your humor. “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

Proverbs 17:22

My husband has a delightful sense of humor. We laugh every day. I can’t help but take myself far less seriously; for this, our entire family is grateful!

Wholesome humor and healthy relationships go hand-in-hand. Humor helps diffuse tension. The maddening scenario that raised ire today is a source of laughter tomorrow — or next month. It’s not funny until it’s funny, eh?

Healthy humor heals. I had a lot of growing up to do, accustomed to masking insecurities with sarcasm and thinly veiled barbs. Trusting relationships require sensitivity and transparency, with discretion. Protecting one another from crude humor is essential, too (Eph. 5:4).

1. Prefer the other. “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 2:3-5

I once observed a pastor interacting with his son in a squabble. “Prefer the other,” he admonished. It’s simple wisdom, and counter-cultural, too.

In preferring the other, the position of the heart is humility. Don’t we know our flesh is willful and dies painfully? Paul calls us to unselfishness, as Jesus modeled all the way to Calvary perfectly. Oh, for a generation of hearts inspired to prefer the other!

1. Stay active in a community of faith. “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

Hebrews 10:24-25

Engagement in a community of believers makes all the difference for long-term success. Some of our hardest years were among our best, grounded in the sweetest fellowships.

It takes time to find your people and develop relationships. Lack of community is like neglecting the net under the trapeze: it’s too late in a freefall!

There are many virtual community options. They help fill a gap. But we haven’t found anything that compares to the richness of local fellowship. Read Acts to be inspired about gutting it out on the ground in a community committed to Jesus.

[Check out RevGather: How to Be Found to learn about the importance of deep community and be found today!]

1. Remain nimble through the seasons. “… for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, an I know how to abound in any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Philippians 4:11-13

I married Pete without a clue about the life we’d lead or what it meant to be a farmer’s wife. I had a lot of catching up to do. I adapted to farm life; the farm didn’t flex! Nimbleness was my only option to become the life partner he needed me to be.

That included college and career. Learning was invigorating but also taxing. I recall a season under intense pressure. My world had expanded; my interests changed so rapidly. Meanwhile, Pete was slogging it out on the farm. He felt stuck.

I couldn’t go back or undo my progress, nor did I want to. We all needed me to be successful. But we were growing apart. Until, with herculean nimbleness, Pete determined to grow along with me. He crossed a chasm to ensure our success. I’m ever grateful.

Today our nimbleness is often exhibited in travel adventures and taking up new interests – like e-biking and pickleball. Most importantly, we’re sowing seeds of faith into the next generation together. Six grands require quick feet, especially in our RV!

1. Remember what God has done. “Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable. One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.”

Psalm 145:3-4

Scripture often admonishes us to remember the works of the Lord. This is how we keep the faith. Remembering bolsters hope and inspires courage. It fixes our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith (Heb. 12:2).

God is faithful to all generations. What He’s done before, He can do again — and so much more! Search His Word for His promises. Write them on your heart. Speak them over your spouse, your children, and your grandchildren.

Remember who He is and who you are in Him. Nothing else matters more for all eternity.

That’s a wrap on our short list for long-term success in marriage and in life. It’s not definitive, but it’s a start.

In the comments share what your list includes.

Sondra Smith is an author and speaker in northern New York State, where her husband, Pete, and sons are third-generation dairy farmers. She and Pete are on a national park quest, enjoy adventuring with their grands, and serving the SOWER Ministry by RV. Sondra is a Revelation Wellness Instructor, Platoon 26, blogging at SincerelySondra.com.

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