Your partner gets defensive and suddenly the conversation you needed to have is completely buried. Now you’re defending yourself, they’re defending themselves, and whatever you actually needed to talk about is gone. This is one of the most common things I see in couples therapy, and in almost every case there’s more going on underneath the surface than it looks like from where you’re standing.

What this episode covers

• What defensiveness usually is: a reaction to how something was delivered, not just a personality trait
• Criticism vs contempt: the two Gottman concepts that predict relationship breakdown and how they trigger defensive responses
• How to tell the difference between attacking the person and describing your own experience
• The shopping trolley story: intention, impact and interpretation, and why couples fight about the wrong thing
• How past experiences, trauma and negative sentiment override shape the way your partner hears what you say
• Why some people are wired to hear an attack even when there isn’t one
• What to do when you see defensiveness coming, including the gentle startup
• Leading with curiosity instead of accusation
• How to ask your partner to rephrase something when it has landed wrong

Timestamps

0:00 Introduction

2:00 Criticism and contempt: what Gottman research tells us

4:00 How you start the conversation changes everything

6:00 Intention, impact and interpretation

10:00 When interpretation becomes the story we tell ourselves

13:00 How past experiences and trauma shape defensive responses

17:00 What to do when your partner gets defensive

20:00 How to phrase things differently and ask for a rephrase

Resources and Links

• Conflict Workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/
• Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/
• Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/marathon-couples-therapy/

ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026

https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Connect with Marie

https://thetherapyhub.com.au/

https://marievakakis.com.au/

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