“You shall not commit adultery.” (Deuteronomy 5:18)

These five words are ground zero of the culture war over human sexuality in the CRC. Synod’s decision to make a list of sins confessional was attached to it via the Heidelberg Catechism’s use of the word “unchastity” to describe what this word prohibits. We’re not going to dwell much on that today because the questions that really animate the culture war conversation are mostly to do with same-sex marriage, which is neither the main point of this seventh covenant word nor relevant to most of the intimate relationships in which you—the readers/listeners—are involved. Statistics continue to suggest that the community of those who are same-sex attracted remains a very small minority of the population. That is not to say that this conversation has no place—if it impacts you, I/we are happy to talk further—but it is a specialist place of pastoral concern for a very few, not the main topic of concern for the whole church nor for this seventh word of the covenant.

Anyway, this to say: I must admit that this seventh of the covenant words evokes a certain sorrow and weariness in my soul. It has consumed more time and attention, created more division and heartache, and become the context for the disillusionment and loss of more faith, hope, love, and even membership than I care to name.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Keeping the main thing the main thing in each thing is an important corrective. And the main thing the seventh word is concerned with, similarly to the whole of these ten words, is relational fidelity. In this case, within a marriage.

Being married has not gotten easier. The impact of COVID isolation and intensification (spending more time with certain family members at home) has placed a lot of stress on marriages, as it has on all relationships. The ramping up of digital immersion has taken its toll as well: we are more restless and distracted and find less capacity to meaningfully engage with the person in front of us. Not only that, but the ease-of-access to pornography and other social contagions (like the sort that breed polarization and culture war) along with the corresponding ease of bypassing accountability that’s been enabled by our personal screens has placed depersonalizing and alienating enemies within our gates.

Marriage continues to require of us good communication and good commitment that gives space for the journey of sanctification that marriage demands of us: turning us continually away from vices and ugly character traits and towards the deeper virtues of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It’s not easy, but the good news is that this is still a work the Spirit desires to accomplish within us—and marriage remains one of the key tools in our lives by which he does it. A faithful marriage starts to smell like Jesus after a lifetime of partnering with God and one another through healthy fights, life-changing experiences walked together, and much confession and forgiveness offered.

We cannot do this work without God, but we also can’t do it without a community of support. As God’s people, it is important to continue to offer ourselves to support one another in our marriages: asking one another how we’re doing in our marriages and encouraging one another in this difficult, but good commitment.

And as God’s people, we would also do well to speak a good and encouraging word about marriage to those growing up behind us, too. Divorce rates are down significantly from where they were a few decades ago, but so are marriage rates. So many burdens weigh so much more heavily on the upcoming generation than it did on the previous ones—economic, educational, technological, relational, etc. It’s easy to be cynical about the future, marriage, and even singleness (which stretches on much longer on average than it used to). The church can be a place of supportive relationship where the upcoming generation can find good conversation partners and encouraging words about the possibilities for healthy relationships and commitment.

So: how might you support the relational flourishing of the people in your life and in our church today—whether they are married or single?