Hello class. Normally I would welcome you, but that feels like the wrong phrasing given our collective situation. I’m speaking of course of the ongoing and escalating pandemic of Covid-19, and our social distancing and isolation. So today? Today we’re going to talk about intimacy in crisis. We are, bluntly, in uncharted waters here Class. The majority of us have never had to live through something like this, and none of us have had to do it on this scale. To that end, please do not feel as though you need to take what I am suggesting as law. Take what you need, and what works, and disregard anything that does not. The only way through this is together, and to do that we need to maintain some kind of intimacy. So let’s start looking at how to make that happen.

When I say intimacy, I do not mean only sex. I mean connection. I mean trust. I mean checking in on your elderly neighbor to make sure they’re set for food they can manage, and maintaining a community via phones and internet. It’s remembering Why we’re bothering to flatten the curve to keep others safe, instead of going about life as normal. And yes I do also mean sexual intimacy with your partner as well. We’re going to cover sexual intimacy first, because this is first and foremost a sex education podcast. But we will cover more than that.

There is a lot of anxiety. A lot of unknowns. We don’t know how bad this will get, we don’t have a good way of assessing what our personal risk is. And when we are anxious? 90% of people’s brains put the brakes on sexual connection. For understandable reasons! Our survival instinct kicks in, and running from a lion is a really Really bad time to be horny. But our stress response is not made for long term use, and in all likelihood we will adjust to this new normal before the worst of it hits. And when that happens we will need our network more than ever, which means we can’t spend the build time up shoving them away and eroding the foundations. So what do we do? We take precautions.

If you are physically quarantined with a sexual partner? Please make sure you are stocked up on barriers. Now is not the time to become pregnant or need treatment for an STI. Our medical system either is, or is about to be, horrendously overburdened depending on where you live. You will not be able to get the care you need to either get through a pregnancy safely, or effectively treat an STI.

This goes double if you are not quarantined with your partner but are still choosing to see them instead of including them in social distancing. Getting someone you don’t live with pregnant, or getting pregnant in this situation, would be a horror show no matter how much you both would want it otherwise. You can’t safely support your partner, or be supported by them, and you have limited access to medical care. And if your partner is also having sex with other people? Last thing you want is for them to expose you to anything, even something normally treatable and mild. This sucks. I know it does. No one wants to think their partner will get them sick. It’s not something anyone wants to face. But this is the reality we’re in now and something that needs to be recognized and considered in our decision making.

Instead? I encourage you to practice your sexting and phone sex skills with your non-live in partners. Build a fantasy together, buy the same erotic book on an ereader or read the same smutty fan fic and tell eachother what you liked about it. Save these ideas for when the crisis has passed. Take up the same online game if you can and make dates to watch movies together by streaming the same movie at the same time while you are on the phone or texting. There are a TON of tricks and advice for long distance relationships out there, and those are the resources to tap into in this case. You’ve very suddenly been launched into the hardest moments of a long distance relationship with your partner who lives 10 minutes away, and I am deeply sorry. But this will not last forever, and it will be all the better when you reunite knowing you were not the one who got your beloved or their family sick.

Going back to live in partners. If one of you is still working outside the home, or needs to leave for any reason, exercise caution when you get home. I know it’s going to seem excessive now, but taking a shower (if possible) as soon as you get home, and putting your clothing either directly in the washer or in a designated “contaminated” space will go a long way towards easing stress and anxiety. And remember, stress and anxiety are the enemies of intimacy. Minimize the things you touch between door and shower, and disinfect your doorknobs. We don’t need to go full hazmat suit, but showers make sex nicer anyway. So there’s really no losing here, even if you personally feel it’s over kill.

If you are both working from home or no one has left? Also remember to shower. We as humans tend to slip on things like “hygiene” and “cleaning” when stuck at home for longer periods of time. Joking aside, make sure you all keep up on your home here. It’s easy to slip into “I’ll do it tomorrow” or “Other adult will do X, they’re home”. No. It’s your home, learn how to do the thing. A clean environment means less stress, and, as we’re all going to memorize by the end of this, stress and anxiety are the enemies of intimacy.

This next bit is going to sound a bit off in the age of “make time for your partner” but Give Your Partner Space. Especially if you have kids. You are around each other 24/7 now. No one signed up for this. This is not what anyone had in mind moving in. You love them dearly, I know you do, but you’re going to drive each other to murder if you don’t get time to yourselves. And I mean Time Alone. Alternate who has point on the kid if there is any involved here to make sure your partner has precious Precious time. Talk to your partners and figure out a schedule that works for everyone involved so the adults can get their commitments met and keep their sanity. Even if your partner is a stay at home parent? They didn’t sign up for you being home too, and if your kids are normally in school then they’re used to having the house to themselves for at least a couple of hours. They got stuff to do too here. Make sure they have time to maintain their interests and decompress, regardless of what that looks like to you, since that will reduce stress and anxiety. And a comfortable, less stressed partner, means you’re more likely to be able to have sex while you’re cooped up together

Try to maintain your relationship routine as much as possible, and if you don’t have one? Make one. For example in a previous relationship date night was Tuesday and Tuesdays were sacred. We did not make plans for Tuesday night that was not something we did together without anyone else. If you have a date night, or nights apart, try your best to maintain that rhythm. Nights apart can be as simple as reading books in different rooms, date night can just be making A Point of cuddling or reading to each other.

I don’t suggest having Important Talks while housebound. Even if it seems like a good idea since you’re both there and have all the time in the world to talk it out. When one of you can leave to cool off it’s an entirely different dynamic than if you both know you’re stuck. Even if neither of you ever actually leaves the house if an Important Talk starts going sideways, the fact that you Could creates an exit that just doesn’t exist right now. So hold off on the talks about if you want kids, or this new fetish you want to try, or opening your relationship up if you’re monogamous. Wait until you’re not under this level of stress, ok?

So what about nonsexual intimacy? Our friends and family outside our home?

Internet is a blessing.

Can it replace in person coffee dates, or tea time, or random drop ins? No. No it can’t. What it can do is keep us connected. This isn’t the 1918 Spanish Flu. We’re not trapped only speaking to the people we live with through this. I personally have seen people setting up Zoom meetings, skype and facetime calls to entertain each other’s kids, people reading to each other via facebook live, discord servers to chat on, ect. Now is the time to practice your communication skills.

I know, we are in an age that communicates via meme. I do it. I do it a lot. But message your friend, or that person you miss but haven’t talked to forever. Catch up and binge a show together via streaming services. Texting and typing are, for all their faults in conveying tone, a beautiful way to connect. They let you get your thoughts in order before telling the other person, which allows you a clarity in instant communication we’ve never had access to before. Use it. I suggest finding one of those “30 questions to fall in love” type of things and doing it with your friends. Privately. Since those questions get more and more intimate and personal the longer it goes on. But it’s an exercise in trust and gives you a base to build on if you’re stuck on topics.

Call someone. I know, the idea of using a phone to place a call gives me hives too. But it’s really the best way to check on high risk neighbors and family without exposing them. Make sure they’re ok, and that they know there’s someone who cares and is checking in. Especially if they are elderly or otherwise frail and may not be able to ask for help on their own. If you don’t have your neighbor’s numbers? Write yours down and stick it in their mailbox with a note to give you a call if they’d like you to check in on them and make sure they’re ok. Make that reach out. They may not have anyone else local.

What not to do?

This is a very short list here. What not to do is simple. Simple is not easy but it’s simple. Don’t put others at risk if you can at all avoid it, example stay home and keep yourself as clean as possible. Don’t get greedy. There is enough for us all, we just have to share it and stagger out our buying.

Don’t let stress and anxiety win.

I know, I know, that’s hard. Trust me. I am Well Aware of that this week. Well aware. But it’s true. Stress and anxiety are the enemies of intimacy, and intimacy is what we need to get through this.

Look, Class. I’m just as guilty as any other 30something of declaring people suck and I hate them. I am, in spite of this podcast, an introverted misanthrope who is convinced her dogs are better than 90% of humans. Now is our collective chance to prove the worst bits of me wrong. Yes we are in a crisis. Yes it is going to get worse before it gets better. No I am not going to sugar coat it for you, I like you more than that. We are going to lose people. We already have. That doesn’t mean we need to push away other people emotionally. Take this as a chance to build stronger relationships and intentional communities.

After all, when all is said and done? We’ll have some rebuilding to do. And that’s easier in communities.

That’s all for this lecture. Until next time, stay safe.