Welcome back class! Today we’re going to talk about something extremely common, normal,and fun. Today we’re going to discuss sexting. This is really a topic that needs very little introduction, so let's dive right in.
Sexting is the act of exchanging messages of an erotic nature with another person. This can be texts on a phone, instant messaging services, chat rooms, email, ect. This is truly a wonder of modern technology and could not exist in a time before cell phones and the internet. Damn near everyone sexts now, and it’s one of the first ways teens (and frankly preteens) explore their sexuality. It’s a way to discover and test out kinks that you may be too nervous about to try in real life. It’s a form of role play that lets you play with ideas that you either wouldn’t, shouldn’t, or can’t engage in physically. Plus it is just fun.
In my entirely unscientific observations, sexting has mostly replaced phone sex in our culture. For good reasons. Most obviously because sexting can be done utterly discreetly. No one else on the bus needs to know what you and that hottie you’re talking to are saying, which adds another layer of excitement. It means you don’t have to make sure you’re both alone, or in an area where you can hear clearly. And it also means you can keep it up as long as you’re both interested without having to stop because the baby started crying or your mom came home or one of you needs to leave for work. You can set it down and respond when you have the right words which leads to scenes that are more carefully thought out and hotter.
And, since you can do it anywhere, you can be doing anything else you need to while sexting. Shoot your beloved a hot text on break from work. Message your online bootycall while making dinner. Got a few minutes before your meeting or class starts? “Just thinking about what we did the other day baby”.
That being said there are some basic rules and safety measures you need to take in order to practice safe sext.
Obtain consent from your sexting partner.
Do not send photos unless your partner has requested them.
Never EVER share photos sent to you by a partner.
Obtain Consent:
Consent is always mandatory. Dropping some sexually explicit texts on someone without warning is Not Ok. They may not be willing to sext with you for a variety of reasons. So never start with the explicit stuff, but gauge interest in the moment by mentioning you’re thinking about them, or tell them you’re in the mood to play, and see what they say.
If they’re not? They are not required to explain their no. Some common reasons are they don’t know you well enough to be comfortable with that, they’re in a bad headspace for it, or they’re in a bad location. Nobody wants an unexpected “what are you wearing?” at grandma’s funeral. Don’t take a no personally. You have to ask every time, and be comfortable accepting no. Remember class, if you’re not comfortable hearing No then you’re in no position to ask for the thing in the first place.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if you identify as interested in men you must be in want of a dick pic. Spoiler: No. The unsolicited dick pic is a trope, and every single person who says they like men has gotten, or will get one. It is an annoying fact of existence. Like taxes or Starbucks misspelling your name.
If they haven’t asked? They do not want the picture. It is, at best, annoying and at worst traumatic. You’re not winning anyone over by sending photos of a sexual nature to someone who doesn’t want them. Best you can hope for is a heavy sigh and for them to block you. Ask if they want a picture, respect them if they say no.
Side note: Depending on your age and where you live if you are under the age of consent both you and your partner can be charged with distribution and possession of child pornography. Be aware of your local laws, even when exploring with a partner your own age who you know in person. And if you are underage and someone who you either do not know personally, or who you know is older than you asks for photos? Don’t send them. You can still face severe legal penalties even if its photos of your own body that you are actively sending. And if that person Knows you are underage and are still asking? That’s not flattery that’s predation. And you should report them.
There are other reasons not to that you will hear from adults, but I’m of the view that it is your body and you can make decisions about it. But those decisions need to be informed with full understanding of potential consequences. Which, in this case, is risking jail for a long time for child pornography, having a pedophile having access to photos of you, and having pictures of you out in the world before you even really have a chance to explore it yourself. And those are some pretty hefty potential consequences for the sake of sending someone a sexy picture.
This is, annoyingly, a safety concern. No one wants to believe the person they’re being intimate with will betray their trust and share private photos. But there is a whole industry around \ Revenge Porn that is just barely being addressed by law enforcement. We see leaked nudes all the time, from celebrities to Mary from accounting after she and Cam broke up. Leaked erotic photos are a problem. To the point where some people are advocating you watermark your photos with an unique mark to be able to identify just who leaked them, even years later. Something like their name or a pet name for them or their username. This can help you build a case against them in our brand shiny new revenge porn laws since you have proof it was them who initially leaked the shot.
Keeping your face, tattoos, distinguishing birthmarks, ect out of photos gives you plausible deniability if your ex partner is a truly horrible person and sends them to someone like your boss or a parent, or puts them online where someone like a boss or parent or your child may stumble across them.
And always remember: leaked erotic photos are Never your fault. The blame lies entirely on the person who released them into the wild, not you for taking them. Especially if you followed the previous rule and only sent them after you were asked. This person betrayed your trust. That just means you trusted someone you shouldn’t have, not that you’re a bad person.
This is a massive breach of trust. They broke your heart? Doesn’t matter here. They leaked yours? Look up the revenge porn laws in your state or country and get ‘em that way if you can, or out them as an untrustworthy septic sore of an amoeba. Those photos were sent to you and you alone, with an expectation and understanding of privacy. There is no situation that permits you to share them without the person’s consent. None. Ever. Full stop end of discussion. Doing so has very Very real world consequences to both the person in the shots and you. You are outing yourself as someone who is untrustworthy who should be avoided at all costs AND you open yourself up to increasingly common legal repercussions. Just don’t do it. No matter how hot the photo or how badly they hurt you.
Now that we’ve got the rules out of the way we’ll get into the nitty gritty of how to sext. Sexting is basically dirty talk that you don’t have to actually say out loud, so it is excellent practice for someone who is too shy to actually verbally say “I want to suck you”. You can be stammering and blushing and nervous, but still sound sexy and confident in text form. Plus, minus the occasional autocorrect helpfully changing fuck to duck, there’s no mishearing someone or missing what they said. Which makes sexting perfect for someone like me who is partially deaf, or who has an audio processing disorder, who wouldn’t normally get anything out of dirty talk. That makes sexting a disability friendly way to be sexual!
The easiest way to start sexting is with a partner you’ve already been physical with. This is much easier because you already have an idea of what they like and can work that in. Saying “I wish I could do x to you again right now” is enough to get their brain going because they know exactly what that feels like with you and have memories to draw from. It gives you a platform to jump off of. It gives you the chance to build a fantasy rooted in reality. Memories of touch, smell, taste, all give your sexting a boost.
This is not to say that sexting is limited to people you’ve already been physical with. It's a low stakes way to discover if you’re compatible with someone. Maybe you don’t see them often, and this way no one needs to risk STIs to discover your partner thinks foreplay is boring or optional. It does mean going slower and being more descriptive since your partner does not have memories to draw from to fill in the blanks. So instead of “I want to kiss your neck” you may need to do more along the lines of “I want to kiss you right where your jawline meets your throat. I want to pepper it with light feather kisses, just barely enough for you to feel them, before nibbling right under your ear.” It is imperative you fully paint that picture with a partner who has never felt you do that to them before, since that’s what’s going to get the blood going. If you’re stuck for phrases? Try reading erotic fiction and take note what images and wording feels sexy to you, and work on folding that into your messages. You may sound silly at first, sure, but the more you do it the hotter it’ll be and the easier the words will come.
Remember, sexting is all taking place in your partners’ heads. So the more details you can give them, the better the picture will be. Try to incorporate all the senses as much as you can. Instead of just saying what you’re wearing, describe how it feels against your skin. Talk about how your pillow smells like their shampoo, and what that makes you think about and remember. If you’re role playing oral sex or kissing different body parts don’t just talk about how or where you lick or suck, mention how salty their skin tastes from sweat, or how the taste of their juices linger on your tongue and how much you love it, talk about the feel of their pulse under your lips when you kiss their throat or wrists. Mention the sounds you’re making when they tell you where they want to touch, gasps and moans and groans can be just as hot spelled out as they are to say.
Don’t get off and log off. Make sure your partner gets as much out of sexting as you did. Just like in person it’s rude for you to get what you want and then leave your partner high and dry. Tell your partner when you're finished, and then let the conversation wind down rather than end abruptly. Just like you would if you were together. Make sure to thank your partner, since that’s just good manners.
A question I’ve gotten about sexting in the past is “Is sexting cheating?” Well, that depends on your relationship. For some people yes, Yes it is. For others the answer is no. I’m willing to bet you had a gut punch reaction to that question in the first place, so we’ll go through the justifications for each answer. The main takeaway here though is that if you’re in a relationship you need to ask your partner if they consider sexting cheating before you do it with anyone else.
Yes sexting is cheating:
You are having an intimate and potentially emotional encounter with someone else. You are expressing desire for someone other than the person you’re with, and this can be very hurtful if not discussed first! If you have any insecurities about desires your partner has, say you’re uncomfortable with impact play and find out they’ve been role playing getting beaten with a stranger online, it can make you feel like you’re not enough. Or like you’re failing your partner somehow. This isn’t the case, but it can certainly feel a lot like rejection, and that’s a very valid emotional response.
No sexting is not cheating:
Sexting is basically harmless. You’re not actually meeting someone in person, you’re not putting your partner’s physical health in danger by risking STIs or pregnancy. It’s just a way to blow off steam. Especially if you and your partner have mismatched libidos. It’s a safe way to get that sexual itch scratched without having to physically involve another person. It can allow you to get the novelty and excitement of sex with other people without resorting to sneaking around behind your partners’ backs, or having to have a full on negotiation on if this new person would be a good partner for you. For some people sexting is just an extension of friendly flirting, there’s no emotional attachment to it and it’s just another way of bonding with someone.
Even if you are monogamous, honestly especially if you are monogamous since these kinds of relationship talks end up getting seen as optional in monogamy, you need to talk to your partner and figure out if sexting is cheating within the bounds of your relationship. Before either of you sexts someone new. Before there is even someone else you want to sext with. Make sure you’re not going to hurt your loved ones just to have fun. After you do that? Have at.
That’s it for today. Until next time class have fun, and be safe.