Welcome back class, I hope you enjoyed our extended break and did your homework. Given that you’re all back in your seats and appear to have survived all of the holidays between Early December and Valentine’s day I’d say you did. Let’s start this school year with a more fun topic than we ended last year on. Today we’re going to talk about flirting.

Nononono don’t panic! We’ve got this. I know flirting is Terrifying, and something that we all wish we were better at. Even I, your instructor, flat out suck at flirting. My personal default is “oh no, an attractive human. If they find out I think they’re cute The World Will End” this means I spend the rest of the time I Could be flirting with and getting to know that person avoiding them like the plague until they’re convinced I hate them, only to be very confused when I get sick of my own shit and ask them on a date out of nowhere. I’m very suave. So take all of this with a hefty pinch of salt, except for the bits where I explain when to back off. Those are pretty universal and no one likes a pushy creep.

Regardless of what any pick up artist book, website, or creep is going to tell you there is no guaranteed flawless method to flirt or determine if someone is flirting. Researchers at the University of Kansas in 2014 found that people literally can not tell when someone is flirting with them. I’ll link the article in the description of this lecture, but basically they had 50 some odd pairs of self-identitifed cisgender heterosexual people come in for what they thought was a study on first impressions. Afterwards they asked the participants to fill out a questionnaire where one of the questions was “did you flirt” and another was “did the other person flirt with you?” I hate to tell you but folks who identified as women were only 38% accurate in identifying when male identifying folks flirted with them, whereas male identifying folks were 66% accurate at ID’ing when the female identifying people flirted. Women were more transparent than men apparently. And no, wingpeople did not help any. As of yet I have not found a study using queer folks. Get on that science.

So how do we get better at it? And why do we do it in the first place?

Let’s look at why we flirt before trying to tackle how to get better at it, since understanding the why of something tends to make the how easier. Flirting is something we do to signal interest and availability, and build bonds. Some people are utterly shameless flirts because it’s fun for them and the people they’re flirting with, and it helps them build stronger and more playful friendships. Other people flirt, or try to flirt, only with potential romantic partners. Flirting is a social play behavior. So if we approach it as low stakes play we’ll be much better off than if we put all the pressure of a “successful” romantic encounter on it.

Flirting is also an important low stakes way to determine a potential partner’s interest. In particular if you fall outside of the cishet label. This is, to me, the most daunting kind of flirting. It’s also a trope. When I told my adopted mother about freezing up when cute human flirted at me, a cute human I’d already decided I wanted to give my number to but didn’t when they signaled interest, she patted me on the head and told me it was just my Bi acting up.

So how, exactly, do we get better at it? Practice. I’m going to tell you some things to watch for and try, and some good general signs of interest, but you’re only going to know for sure by trying things, and practicing, and getting shot down. A lot. But flirting is a skill like any other and as Edison is credited as saying “I did not fail, I just found 10,000 ways not to make a lightbulb”.

Some things to watch for are eye contact, and body language. Lets play through a scenario.

Say you’re at a gathering of people, be it a party at a friend’s place, or a concert, or a bar, or a bookstore, where ever, and out of the corner of your eye you see A Cute and/or Interesting Human. They look like someone you’d like to get to know better and for some reason you can’t stop looking over at them.

Then they catch you looking. Now is the moment to determine if they are up for flirting. Do they close off their body language to you? Ie do they turn away, tilt their head down with their chin tilted away from you, stiffen up? Do they focus on their book/phone/something in their hands and pull it up a bit to make it obvious that’s what they’re doing? All of these are signs of Nope. Do not approach or engage. I don’t care how cute they are, they do not want your attention, respect this and move on.

But! Do they smile a little bit? Maybe look down but keep their chin tilted slightly towards you? Do they also keep glancing at you? Have they turned a little to face you? Did they lower whatever it is they’re holding or doing to appear more approachable? These are all signs you can risk it and go say hello.

You decide to move closer. For all things holy skip pick up lines. Just go with ‘hello’ and ask if you can join them. If they say ‘no’ or their body language tenses up and they look uncomfortable, respect this and move on. If they say yes now you can bring up something you noticed about them. Preferably something they have control over. So skip the compliments about eyes or figure or how hot they are for now, go with something like their shirt or hairstyle or the book they’re reading if it’s something you’ve also read or an author you’re familiar with.

Something they have control over gives more conversational options. For example I have green hair, so complimenting it and asking why green gives me a chance to explain that green is my favorite color and you have the option to chime in with yours ect. If you try to compliment something they have no control over, ie “wow your eyes are so brown” or “nice ass”, it doesn’t leave any room to really go anywhere other than an awkward “thanks”. On top of that it makes you look like you’re not really interested in Them and their style or taste but just, ya know, getting in their pants.

Don’t get me wrong here, there is nothing wrong with flirting towards casual sex! Casual sex can be fun and its own reward and Finishing School has no place for slut shaming. However you’re more likely to succeed in ever sleeping with someone if you’re interested in them as a person. Show that you pay attention to the message they’re sending out and I promise you’ll have a better shot. Not a promise you’ll go home with them since that is never a guarantee, but it will up your chances.

So now you’ve successfully engaged in conversation with Cute Human. Here’s the hard part, Talk To Them. And I don’t mean “what’s your sign” or “how do you like your eggs in the morning?” Talk to them like a human. Explore mutual interests, ask about other interests or hobbies they may have. If this sounds a lot like “make friends with them” that’s because it is. You’re trying to form a connection and mutual interest.

If your flirting is going well you’ll notice a shift in body language. You’ll turn towards each other and focus on the other person more than the surroundings. This is a non-verbal cue to the rest of the room/party/people nearby that you are both engaged and it would be rude to step in. If the other person isn’t turning more towards you, or keeps looking away at the rest of the room or their watch/book/phone/ect then gracefully exit. They’re not interested. If you were wrong and they Are interested they will interrupt your exit or seek you out again.

Now if they’ve been receptive and chatty and friendly with you then you can do things like mention you think they’re cute, ask them if they want to go get coffee, or ask to exchange numbers. If you read the signs right then they’ll exchange contact information or agree to coffee. If not then let them know it was nice getting to know them and gracefully exit. You want to make sure you make your intentions clear here, the last thing you want is a mismatched idea of what this all means. If you think they’re fun and you want a friend, let them know you’d like to hang out more and do things. If you really Really want them as a partner make it clear the coffee you’ve asked them to is a date. Remember class, consent is informed or it is not consent.

What about casual touch in flirting? You know, the hand on the knee, let-me-get-that-eyelash-for-you, hands touching stuff? In cishet flirting there is a script that generally means the female presenting flirt friend initiates that. It’s a signal that she doesn’t see the male presenting flirt friend as a threat and feels safe enough to allow touch. There is no real script when it comes to literally any other kind of flirting. Ergo my general rule for any flirt when it comes to touch is “allow the approached person to initiate”. If you walked across the room to this person let them be the one to brush your knee, or put their hand on yours. They already know you’re interested, you approached them. Let them show you they feel comfortable and safe enough with you to allow the increase in intimacy.

Now if you are the approached person and you go in for a touch and they pull back, or say no, or otherwise act uncomfortable, apologize. Nothing huge or dramatic, just an ‘oh, sorry!’ and ending the touch will do just fine. It’s not the end of the world, you misjudged either the situation or the timing, it happens. Either keep chatting with them if they stick around or allow them to withdraw and move on.

There are some things to absolutely avoid when flirting in person. You never want to corner someone. Always leave the person you’re flirting with an escape route if they become uncomfortable and need to leave. We’re not predators, they’re not prey, they’re allowed to leave and you need to make sure they don’t feel otherwise. Don’t touch someone unexpectedly or as an opening salvo. I promise you touching the cute human’s arm, waist, or back, won’t help them hear you any better. If you’re worried they don’t know you’re there then wait until you know they can see you approaching. If you feel like you need to touch a stranger for attention then you’re not starting from a good position to flirt and are going to come across as creepy.

So now how do we flirt where most of us are meeting people nowadays? AKA how do I flirt online? There are no body language cues. Well online can actually be a lot easier depending on your comfort with words. Most of the rules are the same, except for a few key differences.

When flirting online you are sending an opening message to A Cute Human. Behave as you would in public. Do you take clothing off to flirt in public? No. Ergo your opening salvo should never contain photos of genitalia. That’s the same thing as flashing someone, which is considered sexual assault. Do not do it.

In your opening message you should say hello and mention something in their profile or photos you found interesting, just like you would if you saw them across the room. If they reply? Great! Talk to them like a human just like you would in person. Only better because text means you have time to think about what you want to say in reply instead of just blurting out the first thing that comes to mind.

What happens if they don’t reply? Class, no reply is an answer. It means they are not interested. It does not mean you send them a bunch of other messages or hunt them down on other platforms and try there. It does not mean you get angry at them and send them messages insulting or threatening them. I know being ignored sucks, trust me I’ve done my time in the “seen” with no reply hellscape. I get it. I’m living there currently. But hounding the other person or threatening them isn’t going to do a damn thing beyond make them realize they dodged a bullet and tell their friends and coworkers about this creepy asshole who won’t leave them alone. And you’re all in class because you don’t want to be creepy assholes.

If the person you’re talking to online is responding quickly, or letting you know when they’re not going to be able to reply for a while, that’s a good sign of interest. Just like in person you can ask to meet up for coffee or something when you feel like you’re both comfortable. If they say no or stop replying you misjudged the situation and that’s ok. It happens. Let them go without being a creepy asshole about it. If they agree to a date then follow the suggestions for in person flirting.

But Ms. Mhari! When do I get the nudes? Or send them? Class, nudes fall under sexting, not flirting. There is quite a bit of crossover but sexting is going to be its own lecture. Suffice to say, for now, that if you have any doubt about the person on the other end wanting nudes, ie they have not asked for them, Do. Not. Send. Them. If the person you’re talking to has not indicated or hinted at willingness to share them Do. Not. Request. Them. And never do so as an opening move, as I mentioned before that’s sexual assault.

Remember, we all suck at flirting, science has proved it! So don’t beat yourself up if you misjudge a situation and don’t end up getting the response you’d wanted or hoped for. It happens to all of us.

That’s it for this lecture class. Welcome to a new school year.