Welcome class, Finishing School with Ms. Mhari is back in session. Today’s lecture topic is hard relationship talks. You know, the ones you’re embarrassed or scared to bring up because clearly your partner will hate you forever? Yeah, still need to have those talks. Today we’re going to discuss some of the major fear inducing talks, and go over a few scripts. The goal here is to explain why you need to have these talks, some good basic rules to follow for initiating them, and how to handle them not going the way you’d like.

First we’re going to start out with some good rules of thumb as far as setting and timing. No time or place will ever be perfect, but there are some things to just straight out avoid.

Rule 1: Have these talks sober and clothed.

Don’t put pressure on your partner or potential partner to say yes to something when they are less than composed or their ability to consent is compromised. As much as it may feel easier to bring up some of these topics with a bit of liquid courage, I’m guilty of this too, don’t you want your partner to agree because they actually want the thing you’re talking about? Not just because they’re kinda drunk and it seemed like a good idea? You’re all decent people in this class, so I thought as much.

Rule 2: Have these talks privately.

This is somewhat flexible depending on what the talk is, but we’ll get to exceptions when we get down to example topics. However, you want to avoid putting pressure on your partners to agree to avoid a scene. Femme presenting folks especially have spent most of our lives being conditioned to avoid causing scenes in public if possible. So don’t put your loved one in a position that compromises their ability to give free consent by restricting their ability to comfortably say no.

Rule 3: Figure out the worst case answer for you and make peace with that before bringing the topic up.

Here’s the thing, if you can’t handle the opposite of the answer you want? You should not be asking for the thing in the first place. The other person needs to be able to feel like they can tell you how they honestly feel about something without having to soften it. That means it is on you to know how to cope with and handle rejection with grace. Brace for that before going in and have a plan on how you will process and handle it that does not involve trying to convince your partner they are wrong or badgering them into the answer you want. Your partner is an independent person and allowed to disagree with you.

Rule 4: Know what you want out of the talk.

You need to know what you’re looking for to be able to give your partner all the relevant information for them to decide if they agree with you or not. You need to be able to answer their questions in an intelligent manner, especially if you’re discussing something major such as what your relationship would look like. For example asking someone out and then saying ‘I don’t know’ when asked what being your romantic partner would look like, doesn’t inspire confidence.

You’ll notice a theme in those rules. They all boil down to ‘give your partner space to safely say no’. Remember, Yes in the absence of the ability to give a meaningful No is not consent. Consent Must Be knowingly and freely given, uncoerced, and made with the understanding of what was being asked. Otherwise it is not consent.

So now with that in mind, what do I mean by ‘tough conversations’? I mean things like asking someone out, asking them to marry you, asking them to move in with you, discussing children, discussing kink, discussing relationship changes like alterations to sex life or opening a relationship up. I’m only going to give scripts for a few of these today, mostly because of time constraints.

So let’s start at the beginning: asking someone out.

This. Is. Terrifying.

I’m not going to lie to you. Everything else after this, every other talk, is not stressful to me personally. But asking someone out? Or trying to figure out if I should? This is where I am most tempted to break rule one and have a couple of shots first. I have a crushing fear of rejection and so given my preferences I would just be a lesbian sheep and stare longingly at my crush until they make a move. But that’s not really an acceptable method.

Unfortunately for this one? It’s just brute courage. Stomach churning, anxiety riddled courage. However how you do this sets the tone for the rest of the relationship. I don’t mean big public displays, or having the most romantic and well thought out date idea ever. No. I mean knowing what you can offer someone, realistically, and then asking them if that fits in their life plan.

Here’s a sample of how I try to do it.

“I like you and I’m interested in you. Right now I can offer casual dating, maybe one or two physical dates a month. But I can offer a lot of virtual contact, daily text or phone chats, emotional support, and I can and will drop everything for emergencies and do my best to get to you if you need me. I may be able to offer more later if our relationship develops in that direction, but I can’t promise it. Are you interested in a romantic relationship with me that looks like that?”

You’ll notice this has no wiggle room to pretend you were joking. No outs if they say ‘no, that’s not something I’m looking for or want with you.’ It’s clear, it’s to the point, and it directly asks them to answer yes or no.

This hinges on you being ok with getting a no. And them knowing that, while you may be stung for a bit, you’re not going to punish them in any way for saying no. If you’re not at a point in your acquaintance where they feel safe saying no and confident you’ll accept it? You’re not at a point where they can say yes and you should not ask them out.

I’ll be honest, most of my scripts follow this format class. It just Works. It’s hard, it’s the hardest way to go about having these talks, but it’s the most effective.

So what about a topic with more negotiation? That’s not just a cut and dry yes or no? Like kink.

Remember rule one. Do not ask your partner for something new in the bedroom while you’re naked in there. Make some coffee or tea, sit down at the table, and talk. Or chat on the phone if face to face is too hard. I don’t suggest texting since tone is hard to read. Try to at least manage a phone call if you’re able.

“I am interested in X kink. What do you think about it?”

Why do I suggest opening with acknowledging you’re interested in it, rather than just asking what your partner thinks? Because it does a few things. 1. It gives them context for why you’re asking. 2. If they’re a good partner it makes them considerably less likely to mock whatever the kink is if they’re not interested in it. And 3. It removes your emotional hiding place.

That last one is important for open and honest and effective communication AND to keep you from creating resentments your partner doesn’t know about. Last thing you want is to ask “hey what do you think about spanking?” and have your partner go on a tirade of how they think impact play is abusive and wrong. Which then potentially internally translates, for you, as ‘my partner thinks I want to be abused and I’m sick.’ That kind of thing festers and destroys relationships.

So lets try it out in a less than ideal world.

“I am interested in BDSM, specifically impact play. What do you think about it?”
“Are you talking about hitting me or me hitting you? Because I’m not comfortable hitting you with objects and I really don’t want to get hit with anything.”
“I like being spanked. Would you be willing to try it with me? We don’t have to use toys if you’re uncomfortable with that, and can establish safe words for both of us if it gets too intense.”
“Maybe. Can I have time to think about this and get back to you?”

“Yeah sure, here are some websites to look at that have information on it if you want to do some reading while you make up your mind.”

See how that gives your partner space to say no safely? Which in turn gives them the actual ability to say yes. It makes you more vulnerable, yes. But it’s a show of trust, and in turn helps build trust.

So what about topics on which there can be no compromise? Like children?

That is a discussion to have Early class. I know some folks think holding off until things get serious is appropriate for this topic in particular. But it is not fair to you or your potential partner if you have Vastly Different Ideas on having kids to put it off. No matter how much you love someone if you disagree on kids someone is ending up heartbroken a few years in. Pluck up the courage and establish your views on this from the get go and check in as needed.

I establish, before I even go on a date with someone; that I do not want and can not have children. And if children are something they want then I would not be a good partner for them as this is not something I can physically change my mind on anymore. This is one of those topics that you need to be willing to ignore your hormones and walk away from a promising relationship over.

Following my theme? Own your position and ask out right.

“I do not want children. What are your views on parenthood some day?”
“I really want to be a parent.”
“Ok. Are you comfortable knowing that you can not have that with me, and we would either need to be non-monogamous for that to happen for you?”
“I am not comfortable with the idea of non-monogamy.”
“I’m sorry but this is not going to work out long term.”

But wait! What about different communication styles? Not everyone uses direct communication, some people find it rude!

Learn to be rude, class.

Your partner or potential partner is not a mind reader. It is not on them to interpret what you mean or want if you do not actively tell them. Is it nice when someone anticipates your needs? Yes. Yes it is. However, especially for big topics like starting a relationship, or fundamentally altering the one you have, you can Not have the ambiguity that comes with being indirect and hoping. Relationships live or die by their communication and understanding. If the yes is unclear or uninformed? Then it is a no.

“I kinda like you” leaves all kinds of room for different interpretations. “I am interested in a romantic relationship with you” does not.

So what about the other side of things here?

Your friend has asked you on a date and you’re not into it. It’s easy to say ‘tell them no’. And yes in an ideal world you should be able to. Evaluate your situation for safety. Will they, in your experience, take a face to face no well? Would it be better via phone call or text? We all have or have heard horror stories about what happens when you say no. So please be sure about your personal safety, and get that across in as safe a manner as you can. Try to avoid saying ‘yes’ and then taking it back later if you have any way to avoid it.

We all want to let people we care about down gently. But you still need to be clear. Don’t give your friend false hope by saying things like “oh not now, maybe someday, maybe when life settles down.” If those are true? Ok fine. But have a solid talk with your friend about the odds of that. Don’t use them as a way to say no without having to say no.

Next, your established partner has come to you with something you’re iffy about. Something like a new kink to try or opening up your relationship, or moving in together. If your initial reaction is negative, take a second to compose yourself. Remember and appreciate the amount of courage it took for them to bring it up in the first place. Then ask yourself if your reaction is negative because you are not interested, or if it’s negative because you’ve never tried before.

You do not and should not do things you actively do not want to do for the sake of your partner. If you are 100% monogamous then no, you should not try non-monogamy. If you do not want to be a parent you should not agree to start trying for kids. But if it’s something like a new kink or fetish, or potentially moving in together, something that can be talked about and negotiated? Keep an open mind and be willing to at least think about and consider it. Ask them if they have anywhere you can look for more information, read up on what they’re asking you, give it a strong consideration.

And if after all that you end up still saying no? Be kind and make sure they know it’s not anything they did wrong, that it’s your own comfort level. Also let them know if it’s something you’d be willing to revisit and give them a time frame for that if applicable. For example: “I don’t want to move right now because I just renewed my lease 3 months ago. Let’s talk about this again in 6 months when I’m in a better position to move and see if it’s something you still want.” Instead of “No I don’t want to move in with you.”

That’s it for this lecture. Have fun, stay safe, and I’ll see you next class.