Welcome class, Finishing School with Ms. Mhari is back in session. Today’s lecture topic was a request, an overview of ethical non-monogamy. What it is, what it is not, and some of the forms it can take.

A brief disclaimer if I may. And as it is my podcast, so I may. Non-monogamy is not for everyone. It is neither a more enlightened relationship style nor a way to write off cheating on your partner. Nor is it easy. Non-monogamy will push on every crack and weak point in every one of your romantic or sexual relationships. In order to do it well you have no choice but to be open and direct with your communication with your partners and they need to be open and direct with their communication with you and each other. You should be open and direct in monogamy, you can’t be anything else in an ethical non-monogamous set up.

This is not a guide to setting up these relationships. We’ll talk about that sort of thing in a different class on having hard relationship talks. Today we’re going to stick to a mile high view of the landscape, not till the fields as it were.

At its heart nonmonogamy is having more than one romantic or sexual partner at a time. History is rife with it, with varying degrees of acceptance. Think French Kings and their Mistresses, or harems, or multiple wives. Generally we see polygamy, historically defined as one man having multiple female partners, but polyandry is not unheard of. Polyandry of course is one woman with multiple male partners. As I am not a fan of gendered language or the assumption of heterosexuality I’m chucking those terms out and never using them again. Instead we’re using ethical non-monogamy or polyamory or poly interchangeably.

But wait, Ms. Mhari, I hear you ask, why did you say “ethical” non-monogamy? Because class, cheating is not interchangeable with non-monogamy or polyamory. Cheating is a betrayal of trust. You can be in a poly relationship and be cheated on. You can cheat even if you’re in a poly relationship. You can be in relationships with multiple people and not be cheating. All that’s required for cheating is a breach of trust or consent. We’re not lumping cheating in with everything else we’re talking about. Maybe we’ll cover it in a later class if there’s interest. But I’m not getting into it now.

So what can non-monogamous relationships look like? Well to be honest they look like whatever the folks involved need them to in order to be happy and functional. But there are some general types. Let’s talk about the most common.

The V.

The V is when one person has a relationship with two other people who do not have a romantic or sexual relationship to each other outside the pivot partner. So if Bob was dating both Sven and Maryanne, but Sven and Maryanne were not dating each other. That would make Bob the pivot partner of the V.

The Triad.

If Sven and Maryanne were also dating then their group would be considered a triad. If no one involved was dating anyone else outside the group, then it would be a closed triad.

The Quad.

If Bob and Sven were a couple, and Maryanne and Nakia were also a couple, and all four were dating. This is where it can start to get messy and complicated. Adding a fourth person means there are now six independent relationships happening. Bob and Sven, Maryanne and Nakia. Bob and Nakia. Nakia and Sven. Marryanne and Bob. And Marryanne and Sven. And they all need to be balanced and carefully managed to avoid spillover into the others. For example if Nakia and Sven have a falling out Bob and Maryanne will know about it, and depending on how it happens it may effect Maryanne’s relationship with Bob. But I digress, that’s better suited to the later lesson we’ll do on actually maintaining healthy poly relationships.

Polyqule.

A qule is any number of people in a relationship with each other, but not necessarily everyone in the qule. Some people call it a family or pod instead. So to add to our happy little group, Nakia and Bob are also dating Wanda, but Wanda is not dating Sven or Maryanne. Now they are a qule.

Mixed groups.

Wanda, by virtue of dating Nakia and Bob is poly. Their spouse Taylor is monogamous and has no partners other than Wanda, but knows about Bob and Nakia and has consented to remaining in a poly/monogamous relationship with Wanda, even though they personally feel no need to go out and find additional partners for themself. You can also have a mixed relationships where one partner seeks out additional sexual but not romantic partners. There was no existing term for this so I’ve decided to call these polysexual/monoromatic situations. This is an excellent solution to mismatched sex drives actually.

Open groups.

These are poly groups where those involved have agreed that members are able to add new partners if the opportunity presents itself. It doesn’t mean they’re actively looking for new partners, anymore than someone being single means they’re actively looking for a new relationship, just that they’re open to the idea.

Closed groups.

A closed poly group is one where those involved have agreed not to add additional partners. This can be permanent or temporary, and is a mutual decision made by everyone involved. Open groups can close for any reason, maybe those involved don’t have the time and energy needed for new partners, maybe an existing partner is in crisis and needs to work through some shit, maybe a couple in the family just had a baby and everyone needs time to make that major life adjustment, or maybe they’re just poly-saturated and content with the size of their current family.

Relationship Anarchy.

Exactly what it says on the tin. I do who I want, when I want, and my other partners know but don’t get any sort of input on when or if I take on a new partner, or who that person is. This kind of free for all works very well for strongly independent folks but is one of the harder forms to pull off long term as it can make folks feel insecure or jealous if they’re not also fiercely romantically independent. This takes the most blunt communication to maintain.

Hierarchy Poly

Hierarchy poly is when you categorize people by primary, secondary, ect. You generally end up in hierarchy poly as a starting point if you’re opening up from a couple. It feels safer. You have your primary partner, and anyone else is ranked below them and you generally have rules about what those non-primary relationships can look like. This seems like a fantastic way to keep jealousy at bay, since you and your partner have already agreed what will make you jealous, and have put those things down as off limits to potential new partners.

I wanted to skip this, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t at least talk about it. Ok, so here’s where we go from generic overview to Ms. Mhari has Views.

I am firmly against this structure. I know very Very few people for whom it has worked long term, and I find the ethics of rules negotiated by only the original couple questionable at best.

People are not things. And negotiating what their relationship with you can look like before they’re even in the picture is treating them and their feelings as disposable toys that are less important than your comfort. They have the right to be involved in discussions of what the relationship they’re entering will look like. They also have needs to be met, and wants to be negotiated, and have just as much right to advocate for them as you do for yours. Presenting a set of rules you and someone else decided on as a take it or leave it is not only extremely rude it is a violation of their rights as a person and potential partner. If you and your current partner can not handle that simple yet hard truth then you are not ready to open your relationship. Full stop. Other people are not guinea pigs for you to test whether you’re able to be poly out on.

The person you’re about to date deserves the same opportunities to build a relationship with you as your current partner had when you two started out. You didn’t give them a list of rules and a format for how your presumably monogamous relationship would go did you? Of course not. That would send anyone running from your first date screaming about control freaks.

Restrictive rules on new partners will not keep your current relationship “safe” or prevent jealousy. Nothing will. You either work through that with frank and open communication with all parties involved, or you do not attempt non-monogamy. Anything else is deeply, deeply unethical.

This is not to say you can’t have partners with varying degrees of commitment. The person you started dating last week doesn’t get a say on the house you and your nesting partner are buying for example. But think of the situation if your nesting partner/longer term partner wasn’t in the picture with this new relationship. Would the level of input you’re allowing your partner be appropriate in a monogamous relationship at a similar commitment level? Obviously your longer term partner is there and any major life choices like having your newer partner move in would need to be discussed together with all of you, but telling your newer partner they can never even ask for something because you and your existing partner decided it would be a threat to you two? Reveals insecurities incompatible with long term ethical non-monogamy.

Right where was I? OH! Swinging.

Swinging is having sex but not ongoing romantic relationships with other people. Generally it’s done as a couple and can also go by the name “wife swapping” though swinging is the more acceptable term. Some folks debate on if swinging counts as poly, I’m not wading into that. I will say that it does count as ethical non-monogamy so long as both partners are aware of and consent to it. Sometimes swingers will identify as monogamous, as they are romantically monogamous, other times they may refer to themselves as monogama-mish for similar reasons.

I’m sure there are some forms I’m leaving out, if you’re in one of those forms and I didn’t mention you it wasn’t out of malice so much as airtime.

That’s all for this episode. Until next time? Have fun, stay safe, and enjoy.