This two-part series will explore how our conversation style influences our relationships. Our guest, Azah Yazmin, a trained emotionally-focused relationship therapist, will share the ‘process’ in managing tough and deep conversations for successful relationships.

We judge from the first five minutes when we hear another person talk. The problem is communication – talking and listening, are very complex. How we speak and listen is a learned social behaviour influenced by cultural and childhood experiences that carry over into our relationship with our partner, friends, and co-workers.

Listen to the unscripted conversation of Zana and Nico, emulating a couple in a counselling session with Azah. You can hear that conversation is not as simple as saying what we mean. We can say the same thing, but the way we say it can have a different meaning. How we say what we mean and listening to what another person is saying are crucial.

Three key learnings in this episode:

• the process is as important as the content. Take turns in a conversation. Let one speak, and the other respond. Don’t talk over each other. Use paraphrasing to confirm that you understand what the other meant. Don’t get stuck in the old way you learnt from your environment;
• be curious in finding facts. Use the data and analyse the content. Listen deeply not only to the spoken words to understand the actual intention; and
• don’t get your emotion to be the motivation - defensive, critical and blame. Choose how you respond to either soothe or heal you.