Intro: Is it ever ok to tell a lie? What is the impact of lies and secrets on our relationships and how do you recognise a lie when its disguised as something else?1. The different types of lies you can tell 2. Is it ever ok to tell a lie? White lie. 3. What's the impact of secrets and lies on a relationship 4. How do you deal with lies when they show up.

Relationships thrive on trust. It is the solid foundation that the relationship framework is built on. Lets say that the framework is made of wood then telling lies over a period of time would be like termites eating away at your framework that you've both worked hard to build and the whole structure slowly but surely falling down around you both. With lies comes mistrust and insecurity and a dysfunctional relationship. Lies are the antithesis of building trust and a strong connection. Being open and vulnerable with your truth can at times be the more challenging option but almost always leads to a more rewarding relationship. Lies keep us disconnected and distant: Truth & Openness leads to deeper intimacy in all relationships.White lie: is an innocuous lie that we use to spare our partners feelings. Most people use these to help the relationship move along without needing to debate or discuss every little thing. e.g: does my bum look big in this...or "I'm fine..." "dinner was lovely..."Lets look at 7 types of lies people use: Error—a lie by mistake. The person believes they are being truthful, but what they are saying is not the complete truth. * Omission – leaving out relevant information. Easier and least risky. It doesn’t involve inventing any stories. It is passive deception and less guilt is involved. (leave out the cost of a new purchase) (wanting children) * Restructuring—distorting the context. Saying something in sarcasm, changing the characters, or the altering the scene. (talking about your past) * Denial—refusing to acknowledge a truth. The extent of denial can be quite large—they may be lying only to you just this one time or they may be lying to themselves. * Minimization—reducing the effects of a mistake, a fault, or a judgment call. (illness) * Exaggeration—representing as greater, better, more experienced, more successful. (finances) * Fabrication*—deliberately inventing a false story. (cheating)

You’re not fessing up about your pastRelationships thrive on trust. That requires letting go and showing your partner who you were as well as who you are. That doesn’t mean you have to spill your guts about every skeleton in your closet on the first date, but letting someone in, over time, is imperative, if you want to have a relationship that can withstand the bad times that inevitably come to everyone. Remember that withholding the truth can impact upon a relationship in exactly the same way that lying or micro-cheating does. “Things you should never lie about include why your last relationship ended,” says Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, a licensed therapist. “It’s important for your partner to know what went wrong for you in the past, and if you’re still continuing the same behaviours. And, that includes cheating.” Hershenson also includes mental health issues in this list. “Knowing if you’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, or substance use is important, because it gives your partner information about potential triggers which might arise for you,” she adds. It’s also important to let your partner know if you’ve done jail time, declared bankruptcy, dropped out of school, or have any other deep, dark secret you’d rather not share. Chances are, once you fess up, you’ll feel a new freedom, and the kind of emotional vulnerability needed to be truly loved, and loving. Here are the 15 signs your relationship is solid as a rock.Money matters* When partners have hidden or outright lied about their ability to contribute to the financial stability of the relationships. Pretending you have less than you do or even pretending that you have more than you do.

“Combining finances takes a lot of trust, and that trust is betrayed in a really painful way, when partners have hidden, or outright lied, about their ability to contribute to financial stability in their relationship,” Francis says. Pretending you have less than you do, is just as lethal as pretending you have more than you do. The money conversation is integral. Without it, you can’t realistically plan for a future together. The best way to tackle this conversation is head on, whether you have debt or wealth. It’s better to come clean, and come up with a pre-nup, or other financial plan, than to lie about your bank account. Getting off on the right foot about your finances can help create a foundation that will enable you to have an honest, shared plan about money, throughout your relationship. How you spend, and what you save, is a lifelong issue. No surprise, then, that money makes the list of top 10 things couples fight about.You really want (or don’t want) kidsThis is a biggie. If you know that your partner wants, or doesn’t want kids, and your desire is the exact opposite, you’ve got to fess up about it. That way you can decide if your future should be together, or not. “Sometimes, partners overtly tell untruths about their goals, wants, and needs, in order to be flexible. This form of dishonesty can create fear, resentment, and anxiety in a relationship. When a partner does not feel free to be himself/herself, this builds up frustration over time,” says Carla Marie Manly, PhD, clinical psychologist. Here are the questions every couple needs to answer before deciding to have kids.You cheated Cheating is not just a lie but a betrayal of the relationship agreement that you are an exclusive couple. * Wendy L. Patrick, JD, PhD, author of the book, Red Flags*. “Lying about spending time with another person is a death knell to a relationship, and a lie partners should never tell,” * Esther Perel, a well known couples therapist has written a book about cheating called "The state of affairs" She doesnt believe it is necessarily a sign of the end of the relationship as a couple but definitely the death of the old relationship...an opportunity to re-build something new from the ashes.

“One of the worst lies couples can tell each other has to do with the single most lethal relationship threat: The Other,” says Wendy L. Patrick, JD, PhD, author of the book, Red Flags. “Lying about spending time with another person is a death knell to a relationship, and a lie partners should never tell,” she adds. Not only do they need to know for the health of your relationship but also for their physical health, as cheating puts the other partner at risk for STDs. This honesty policy applies to emotional affairs as well as physical affairs, she adds. On the flip side, these are the 12 signs you’ve got a cheating spouse.You’re not ill, and pretending to be* “Couples should always be honest with one another about health. Telling your partner you are sick, injured, or terminally ill (yes, this happens) is cruel and manipulative,” *

Telling your partner you are sick, injured, or terminally ill (yes, this happens) is cruel and manipulative,” says Francis. “These lies are often told in order to evoke pity or guilt, ultimately with the intent of being nurtured, or taken care of, more than is warranted,” she explains. Francis suggests thinking about your motives for this behaviour. “Ask yourself, why am I doing this? What am I hoping to gain? Am I being fair to the other person? If you are struggling to make these decisions, or find yourself telling similar lies in different relationships, recognize that this is a pattern of behaviour that can make you an unsafe person to partner with, which likely does not feel very good for you, either. Most people do not lie if they believe they have other options,” she adds. It’s not just lying, here are the other habits that destroy trust in a relationship.You’re ill, and pretending not to be* Almost as bad a lie, is hiding your failing health from your partner, Francis says. * Many people do this to protect their significant other from the pain of dealing with a bad diagnosis, or from fear about the future.

Either motive is ill-founded. Solid relationships are built on trust, and the desire to be there for each other, come what may. Lying about an illness you have, even if it is terminal, robs your partner of the ability to support, and care for you, which may come back to haunt them, creating guilt, later on. It will also help to fill in the blanks they may be wondering about, based on changes in your behaviour, mood, or health, that they have noticed, but not gotten answers about. Whether you’re married or not, it’s “in sickness and in health,” remember?You’re pretending it’s OK with you, but it’s not—especially in bed“Couples should never lie about anything that bothers them in the relationship, or any topic of significance,” says Marni Feuerman, PhD, LCSW, Lying about your feelings can range from where you want to eat dinner, to where you want to live, to sexual satisfaction. Pretending to enjoy a less than satisfactory sex life is bound to sabotage your relationship eventually. “Lying often becomes a slippery slope that becomes easier to do than telling the truth. Some people may also start to “compartmentalize,” and the norm becomes to keep secrets about certain aspects of their life,” Dr. Feuerman says. If you are lying about your sex life (or anything else), it’s time to get honest with your partner about your needs and desires. If that feels too scary, it might be time to enlist a professional counsellor or sex therapist.How do you manage the lie if you think your partner is lying? * Confronting the person head on and accusing them of lying can ignite an explosive argument * If something doesn't make sense or is not logical, ask clarifying questions. Don't just let it go. At the very least your partner will know that you know that they are not telling the full story * Coming from a place of love and compassion encourage your partner to tell them what is really bothering them * Focus on how 'the lie' has impacted on you and how it left you feeling so that it build some empathy in them. * when your partner comes clean, thank them for doing so and tell them how much you appreciate the honesty you've shared. This is called positive reinforcement. In that way you are encouraging the positive behaviours to continue. * How do you manage a chronic liar or cheater? If you have tried all of the above and it is making you miserable, you may need to leave for your own wellbeing.