Parenting a child who shows up differently.

Do you like to play? I do, I love getting to play with kids especially. I want to check in as a parent, does your child have a lot of playdates? Do you get to hang out consistently with other moms or dads? Or do you have fewer opportunities for social time? Or maybe, not even any? What’s it been like for you as a parent? Especially now, because a lot of things have changed.

I know when Rylan was younger social interactions really stretched him. They stretched his window of tolerance, yet at the same time he longed for companionship and fun. To have time with others. Where we lived previously was in a rural district out in the middle of 3,000 acres of wheat fields. So, playdates and get-togethers with friends and family were definitely planned in advance.

One time a close friend and I arranged to get-together to have coffee while her two young sons, who were eight and five years old at the time, played with Rylan for a few hours. That was a little bit of heaven back then.

Rylan and I were excited getting ready to have friends over. Yet when I would think about it a would get a niggle of anxiety in my tummy. I remembered how supportive prehearsals are to contribute towards predictability and trust, both are key players when you want to play. Especially when venturing out into the social world. I noticed in the moment as I named those needs for myself, my internal system calmed. I invited Rylan to snuggle with me on the couch and I checked in with him.

I asked, "Do you remember what happens for Sammy if you begin to feel overwhelmed?"

"He gets really anxious and worried about whether or not I’m okay," Rylan replied.

"Ah, he really cares for your well-being, doesn’t he?" I affirmed.

Then I asked more, "Have you noticed anything about Jason?"

After he thought about it he said, "He wants to choose what he’ll do all the time now."

"Yeah," I agreed, "he’s growing up quickly, isn’t he? When you’re bigger, you like having lots of choices, don’t you?"

"Yeah," Rylan smiled in agreement.

One of the things Rylan and I had established between us was when he started to feel that his energy was getting big, he would run to me and I would welcome him with open arms. So, I reminded him of that and he agreed. "Remember to run to me for support when you notice your energy is getting big, okay? I’ll be right here for you, buddy." "Okay, Mom."

While my friend and I visited, we stayed in close proximity where we could see the boys. I observed Rylan was expressing anxiety, his body squirming and his face wincing, especially when the boys asked to have a turn playing a game on the PlayStation. I moved my body in close to help them transition and placed myself between Rylan and the boys. Yet, when my hands touched the game system, it was a cue for Rylan’s nervous system, and it ignited.

He grabbed both of my hands with force and exclaimed, "Do not ever touch this again - it’s mine!"
I was really surprised and said, "Rylan I’m here," I saw the little boys ran quickly to their mom.

Slowing things down right away I gathered Rylan to me, and we moved to the bedroom so we could have some privacy. I took a moment to self-connect because I was very stimulated in that moment. I said honestly, "Rylan, I’m noticing all I want to do is give you information, so I’m wondering, what is up with you?"

Hi response was, "It’s just so hard to stay calm. I need Jesse! He’s my only friend, and only he calms me down when I get upset, instead of me needing to stay calm for others! I wish I had a knife! I’d just stab myself here," he thrust his hands on his chest, "and no one would have to calm me down again ever!"

I felt my own system begin to flood. Then he suddenly threw his arms about my neck, pulled me close, and said with urgency, "Quick, we need a limbic tackle!"

Instantaneously I felt my whole nervous system calm and warmth radiate out from my belly and my heart. "Ah Rylan, thank you for