The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast: Recent Episodes

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If you’ve ever heard of the crappy childhood fairy then you are in for a treat. I had the pleasure of interviewing Anna Runkle who is the founder of the very popular YouTube channel, We talked about all kinds of amazing things, Intro to the crappy childhood fairy. 0:03 Complex post-traumatic stress disorder. 3:28 What […]

The post Talking About CPTSD And Breakups With Anna Runkle first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of interviewing Julia Kristina, a registered clinical counselor based out of Vancouver. We talked about all kinds of interesting things related to breakups and codependency. What is codependency? 0:03 Avoidant vs. codependent attachment styles. 5:43 The yearning for connection and codependent relationships. 11:10 Setting boundaries in a […]

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This is Tati Garcia, She is a licensed professional counselor specializing in helping individuals with high functioning anxiety. What’s high functioning anxiety? Well, I had the pleasure of asking her myself: One of the primary distinctions is that someone experiencing high-functioning anxiety may appear to be doing well externally. This could be someone who is […]

The post This Is How To Handle Anxiety After A Breakup first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I had the pleasure of interview Lee a few days ago and I was blown away at her approach to her breakup. Not only did she really buy in to putting the focus on herself (as opposed to her ex) but she absolutely KILLLED IT during the texting phase. Check out some of the things […]

The post Success Story: This Woman Got Her Ex Back After Finding Herself first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I had the pleasure of interviewing “So.” A member of our community who has just gotten her ex back, In the interview we talk about things like, The breakup that led up to the reconciliation. 0:01 Meet the woman who got back together with her ex. The dark times. The first Christmas apart from her […]

The post Success Story: She Started Setting Boundaries He Started Coming Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. John Garrison. A clinical psychologist and body language expert who runs the YouTube channel Dr. G explains. In our interview we discuss, How do you know when someone’s behavior is Ocd? What it means to be caught in the honeymoon period. Understanding body language at its core. […]

The post Talking To A Psychologist About Your Exes Body Language first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today I have an amazing success story of one of our clients who rebuilt herself and as a result got her ex back. Meet Ashley! Her situation essentially ran the gamut on “ex back scenarios.” I mean, just listen to this: She was high school sweethearts with her ex She lived together with him The […]

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This is a complete breakdown of the major reasons why walking away is so powerful. In all, my team and I have found seven distinct reasons that we’d like to talk about today, Allows You To Take Them Off The Pedestal The No Contact Triad Success Stories Consistently Cite That “Outgrowing An Ex Is Key” […]

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This is a complete guide to the major stages of heartbreak after a breakup.

In this in-depth guide, you’re going to learn,

• About the science of heartbreak
• What I believe to be the 8 stages of grief after a breakup
• What the most challenging stage is after a breakup
• How long you can expect the typical heartbreak period to last

So, if you’re ready to learn about the significant stages of heartbreak, this is the guide for you.

Let’s begin.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizThe Science Of HeartbreakThe first thing you need to understand is we need to set the stage for what’s going on inside of your body.

And to set the stage for what’s going on inside your body, we need to look at the various chemicals or, rather, the various players.

And ultimately, those boil down to:

• Cortisol
• Dopamine
• Norepinephrine
• And Serotonin.

All right, so a quick crash course on each one.

Cortisol is considered a stress hormone.

So often, you’ll find that it’s exceptionally elevated during breakups.

Dopamine is actually associated with pleasure, reward, arousal, and desire.

We often see this often with the honeymoon period at the beginning of a relationship.

Norepinephrine is about increasing memory for new stimuli, but it just makes you extra excitable.

Once again, very common to see this during the honeymoon period.

And then, finally, we have serotonin.

Serotonin is cortisol’s foil. So cortisol is the stress hormone that makes you almost obsessive-compulsive after a breakup.

Serotonin is considered a mood stabilizer, and it helps stop OCD from occurring.

Okay, now that we have sort of the stage set, let’s talk about what happens at the outset of a breakup.

So at the very beginning of a relationship, a lot of the chemicals your brain will release into your body are elevated.

Cortisol will be slightly elevated, but dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin are significantly elevated.

And this is what creates the euphoria of a honeymoon period.

In the middle of a relationship, those various chemicals come back down to normal levels.

Heartbreak is a little bit different.

When you go through a breakup, dopamine, norepinephrine, and, most importantly, serotonin go way down, and cortisol goes way up.

This is important because cortisol creates a potentially significant issue for you when it becomes highly elevated.

So one of the best quotes I’ve seen on cortisol after a breakup happened was from this particular man named Jamie Lee, who was featured in an article for bodyandsoul.com.

He argued that, on average, it can take three to four hours for your cortisol levels to return to normal after a stress response. So let’s say you get into an argument or have a high-stakes meeting, and your cortisol shoots up, but after three or four hours, it returns to normal.

But if your levels have been high for some time, it can take up to six months to balance them out.

On average, it’s only supposed to take you three hours. But imagine you’re going through something so stressful that it keeps cortisol in this elevated state.

In that case, the cortisol takes so much longer to level out. And this is the core foundation for why people struggle so much during breakups.

The breakup is obviously stressful.

It triggers cortisol to stay in that elevated state for an extended period.

And if it’s in that state for a long time, what happens?

You will be very, very stressed for the next six months. There’s just no way around it.

Let’s move on to the eight stages of grief after a breakup.

Understanding The Eight Stages Of Heartbreak After A BreakupThis one requires an introduction. I was inspired by this article I found on Psychology Today, written by a clinical psychologist named Susan Lachmann.

She argues that we always know the five stages of grief after a breakup.

But when it comes to breakups, she claims there are seven grief stages.

And I’ve written about this in the past, but the more I’ve sat and thought about it, the more I would like to alter her stages.

It’s not that I disagree with them.

I actually do agree with them.

I just think they’re not ordered correctly.

And there’s one stage that is missing. So to give you a reference, her seven stages are as follows,

1. Desperate for answers
2. Denial
3. Bargaining
4. Relapse
5. Anger
6. Initial Acceptance
7. Redirected Hope

I love these stages, but for me, there are eight stages.

So, here are my eight stages.

1. Desperation
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Bargaining
4. Anger
5. Depression
6. Initial Acceptance
7. Relapse
8. Actual Acceptance

So let’s take a moment and go through each one of these because I feel like each one merits an explanation.

Stage #1: DesperationSo stage one is considered the desperation stage. This is where you are desperate for answers after a breakup.

The most common marker you are in this stage is frantically going to Google or YouTube to search for breakup information.

• Why you’re feeling, what you’re feeling,
• how to get your ex back,
• ways to trick your ex back,

You find yourself typing into Google all these things that you would never have thought you were capable of typing. And it’s all just because you’re desperate to understand what happened.

Here’s the funny thing. My team and I have found that most of our clients have anxious attachment styles.

And the fascinating marker for someone with an anxious attachment style is they are very big on trying to solve problems.

And it fits, you know, if you’re desperate for answers, you’re going to Google or YouTube to solve a problem.

So that’s the desperation stage.

Stage #2: Pain And GuiltThis will be where you start to notice many of those anxious triggers coming into play.

• Desperation
• Fear of abandonment
• Begging
• Pleading
• Seeking re-assurance

But more than anything

I want to turn your attention to what I consider to be codependent shaming.

So my wife and I recently wrote this great article on how to handle codependence after a breakup.

We personally believe many of our clients tend to be too codependent. And as a result, they shame themselves and have these negative self-beliefs that they trap themselves with. And this is pretty common for someone who is codependent.

They rely too much on that particular relationship for their well-being and self-esteem. And when that relationship ends or that specific person who their entire world revolves around leaves them,

They find themselves dwelling on every perceived problem they believe is their fault, consequently driving their anguish and guilt to unbearable levels. The emotional aftermath of the breakup is excruciating; they’re grieving, deeply immersed in the mourning process. They’re laden with guilt over issues that may not even be their responsibility.

Stage #3: BargainingThe third stage is where you enter into my orbit.

This is where you determine that you will get back with your ex.

You think to yourself;

• I’ve been doing all the searching.
• I’ve read Chris’s stuff.
• I’ve listened to his podcast.
• I’ve listened to his interview success stories.
• And you know what?
• This is possible.
• I can do this for myself.
• I know the path forward.

This is the bargaining stage.

Now, it’s not to say that you can’t succeed. I’m not insinuating that at all in this discussion.

I’m just working through the journey that most of our clients typically go through.

So this is where you are set on returning with your ex.

Simple as that.

And then, of course, at some part, stage four is going to occur. And that’s anger.

Stage #4: AngerIf I’m candid with you, I put anger in here because it is a normal part of the grieving process.

But a lot of times, I find that our clients do not get angry with their exes. As I mentioned earlier, most of my clients find their way to me during the bargaining stage, typically when they’re trying to reconcile with their ex. For many, the perspective is not that their ex is incapable of wrongdoing but that they harbor no significant resentment towards them.

The onset of anger usually emerges when their initial attempts to win back their ex prove unsuccessful. This is a common experience among those who seek my guidance.

Then they get angry, not at their ex, but at the situation. They lash out. Sometimes they blame me. Recently, there were a couple of examples in our community where I didn’t get back to people quick enough with answers, and they grew incredibly frustrated.

I see this all the time; it’s pervasive. And I don’t even take it personally because I understand everyone’s going through this.

Stage #5: DepressionI don’t know if I should go deep into this because you need to understand the roller coaster someone is going through up to this point.

They’re incredibly desperate initially, so they’re at a negative. Then they feel pain and guilt; they’re even more negative.

Then they enter that bargaining stage. As odd as it sounds, bargaining gives them some hope.

They start looking online and at stories of people who have succeeded in getting their exes back.

So that is looked at as a positive.

And then anger occurs, which is in between a positive and negative because there are instances where anger can make you feel better.

But obviously, it’s not great as a whole to live in this angry state.

So after that roller coaster comes depression, and what I’m finding at this point is that your cortisol is incredibly elevated, as we talked about in the science of heartbreak section of this discussion.

And one thing we know about elevated cortisol is it makes you so much more susceptible to depression.

So one of the jobs I’m constantly working on with my clients is helping them find ways to lower that cortisol because we don’t want them in a depressed state.

Stage #6: Initial AcceptanceThe stage of initial acceptance essentially arrives when you decide, “I’m not sure I can get them back anymore.”

This realization is entirely normal, often culminating in the thought, “I think I’m okay if I don’t get them back anymore.” Much of what we’re discussing here parallels the traditional five stages of grief.

However, we’ve repurposed them for the context of a breakup.

But here’s where it becomes particularly intriguing: initial acceptance differs from true acceptance.

The former involves convincing yourself that you’re okay, that you’ve moved on.

This notion is something I’ve seen repeatedly in the private community I’ve been running since 2016.

Members often post about their newfound happiness post-breakup, only to share their feelings of depression and sadness a few weeks later.

They had convinced themselves that they were over their ex, didn’t want them back, and were okay.

Yet, deep down, they were not.

This is the complexity and challenge of initial acceptance. At the moment, it feels genuine, like they have genuinely moved on and are comfortable with the reality of it. But often, it’s just the surface-level feeling and deeper emotions are still at play.

Stage #7: RelapseBut then comes stage seven, relapse; something happens, something triggers you, and it causes you to start the entire grieving stage over again.

• You go through a desperate stage where you look for answers on ex-boyfriend recovery or ex-girlfriend recovery.
• You go to YouTube, watch the videos, and listen to the podcast.
• You feel pain, guilt, and anger.
• You bargain with yourself.
• You’re incredibly depressed.
• You’ve accepted it again.
• And then, guess what happens once more?
• You relapse again.

Relapse is the worst thing possible because it’s arguably the stage that takes the longest. When I often talk about the relapse stage, people think, okay, stage seven relapse. That means we’re starting over from stage one, right?

Well, no, not exactly.

The way relapse works is sometimes you can get caught in it for two, three, or four revolutions where you’re convincing yourself you don’t want them back, only to relapse and want them back again.

And it makes that cortisol stay in that elevated state, which makes your life more stressful, which makes you more susceptible to depression.

And it’s only after going through relapse a bunch of times that, at some point, you skip it.

You go from initial acceptance to our final stage, stage eight, actual acceptance.

Stage #8: Actual AcceptanceNow actual acceptance is where you actually accept the breakup. It’s the real thing this time.

You think,

“I’m over them. I’ve accepted that this breakup has occurred. I wouldn’t mind them returning to me, but I don’t need them back.”

And it’s authentic.

You don’t relapse anymore.

You’re ready to move on with your life.

Not a ton more to dig into here, if I’m being honest.

Instead, I would like to talk about is what I consider to be the hardest stage.

What Is The Hardest Stage Of Heartbreak?Without a doubt, the most challenging stage is the relapse stage.

What’s complicated about it is its partnership with the initial acceptance phase.

So initially, you accept that you’re over the breakup. You convince yourself that,

“Hey, this is it. I’m done!”

Only to relapse and start over from the beginning. It can feel like an unyielding negative cycle that you’re trapped in. You’re stuck in a hole you can’t climb out of and just when you’ve gotten to the top, just when you’ve seen daylight.

Something happens and you relapse, you get pushed back down to the very bottom of that hole again, and it’s time to begin your climb once more.

Over and over again.

But why the struggle to get to “actual acceptance?”

Well, I have found that when I interview success stories,

People who get past these relapse phases and into these actuall acceptance phases that have the greatest likelihood of getting their exes back.

It’s the common thread we’ve seen through almost every success story, not every single one, but nearly every success story.

So my goal as a breakup coach is help move you past the obsessive-compulsive thoughts that you’re having about your ex and help you work through these stages of heartbreak so you can arrive at stage eight more quickly.

How Long Will These Heartbreak Stages Last Total?Looking at our success stories can give us some insight.

We found that the average success story falls between five to seven months. It’s around 5.2 months, but a range of five to seven months provides a more comprehensive and ideal perspective.

But even that is just a “range.”

For years I’ve been trying to come up with a formula that can be a one size fits all formula. But ultimately, I realized there’s no one-size-fits-all formula to figure out how long you’re going to be heartbroken or how long you should expect to be heartbroken.

Nevertheless, I continue to try.

So I will teach you my makeshift formula, and you should take this with a massive grain of salt.

This is not going to be accurate all the way. There are things that could be improved with it. I’m happy for you to point out the flaws in the comments, but as a general rule, I have found it to be the most accurate metric you can fall back on.

But again, no science is backing it up, and it’s using my polling data.

So with that disclaimer out of the way here’s the formula,

X/Y + Z = Time in months you’ll be heartbroken

X= Time you were together in months

Y= 6 months (our average success story timeframe)

Z= 3 The standard post-breakup processing period

Let’s use an example for clarity.

Assume you were together with your ex for seven months.

• In this case, ‘X’ equals seven.
• Divide that by six
• and add three to the result.

7/6+3 = 4.2

This calculation suggests the typical recovery or heartbreak period is roughly 4.2 months. That’s generally how long it takes to reach an emotional state where you feel settled and okay.

Like I said, it’s not an exact science but it at least creates an expectation for you.

The post The Stages Of Heartbreak After A Breakup first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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This is a complete list of the top female behaviors after a breakup.

And no, the items on this list weren’t randomly chosen just because we felt like it. Each and every one of them was either experienced firsthand by me or one of our coaches, or I actually found research to back it up.

Here are the common behaviors females are likely to exhibit after a breakup,

1. More susceptible to anxious behaviors
2. Are better at emotional expression
3. End up recovering more fully after a breakup
4. Won’t go on the rebound as often as men
5. The glow down phase
6. The glow up phase
7. Getting stuck in the relapse stage

Let’s dive right in

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizBehavior #1: More Susceptible To Anxious BehaviorsSo, the first thing I’ve noticed is that women tend to exhibit more anxious behaviors or engage in certain actions.

While researching for this article, I realized that I hadn’t answered a fundamental question about attachment styles. It has always been apparent that most of our clients have anxious attachment styles, while their exes tend to have avoidant attachment styles.

Anxious client,

Avoidant ex,

However, I wanted to explore the breakdown of these attachment styles based on gender roles.

Do women tend to have more anxious attachment styles compared to men? I delved into research and discovered that it argues,

Women indeed tend to have more anxious attachment styles than men.

This finding sheds light on the next aspect we’re going to discuss, which further supports this notion.

Women, especially after a breakup, tend to display more anxious behaviors.

If you aren’t familiar with what that looks like then allow me to give you a quick crash course,

• They’ll seek constant re-assurance
• Become overly clingy or dependent
• Constantly fear you’ll abandon them
• Get jealous
• Become possessive
• Overanalyze
• Be quick to emotional fluctuations

But by far the biggest thing I’ve witnessed women do after a breakup is exhibit what I refer to as “Gnatting” behaviors, which is an acronym I came up with for G.N.A.T. (Going Nuts at Texting).

G- Going

N- Nuts

A- At

T- Texting

But this leads me to my next question: Why? Why are women more susceptible to anxious behaviors?

Behavior #2: Women Are Better At Emotional ExpressionIs it the concept of the core wound?

Well, ya that’s part of it. But I also believe another factor is the second significant behavior we’ve noticed women experience after a breakup. It’s the fact that they are generally better at emotional expression.

Women tend to openly express their feelings more compared to men. Consequently, after a breakup, they often discuss it with their friends or family members, which can aid in processing their emotions and facilitating a quicker healing process. On the other hand, men have been socially conditioned to suppress their emotions, which can prolong the healing journey.

Interestingly, a study conducted by Binghamton University in New York sheds light on this phenomenon.

The study revealed that women experience more pain during a breakup but eventually achieve more complete recovery. This finding, to me, highlights another significant behavior exhibited by women.

They may initially feel greater distress, but ultimately, they recover more fully.

Behavior #3: Women Recover More Fully After A BreakupWhat’s fascinating about these first three behaviors in women is the synergy that exists among them.

Think of causality.

The cause and effect of the situation.

Females tend to be better at emotional expression. (which leads them to) Exhibit more anxious attachment behaviors (but because of that outward expression) They tend to get over breakup more fully.

Have you ever come across that meme depicting how men and women handle breakups?

It portrays men being initially ecstatic and women in tears, but then it reverses as time passes.

Surprisingly, there is often some truth to these memes.

The Binghamton study suggests that because men internalize their emotions and lack open communication and support systems, as dictated by societal norms, their healing process is prolonged.

In contrast, women feel the full spectrum of emotions, possess better emotional expression, and have support systems in place, leading to a more thorough recovery from breakups.

So, while they may feel worse initially, the positive aspect is that they tend to overcome it more completely.

Behavior #4: They Tend NOT To Go On The Rebound (Men Do)The next significant behavior I’ve noticed among women after a breakup relates to their tendency not to engage in rebound relationships, whereas men often do.

I came across an intriguing divorce statistic that argued,

Men are more likely to seek rebound relationships following a divorce, while women generally do not.

This observation has been consistent in our coaching practice as well.

Although we don’t encounter many women or men attempting to recover relationships after marriage, it has occurred. However, when it comes to breakups, we have frequently seen female clients implementing the “being there” method.

The “being there” method is a strategy we developed for situations where one’s ex has moved on to someone else.

Interestingly, we have noticed a higher number of women utilizing the “being there” method compared to men.

I believe this relates back to the fact that women tend to refrain from entering rebound relationships as frequently as men. It’s not to say that women never engage in rebounds, but men appear to do so more often.

I attribute this pattern to the avoidant cycle, which I often discuss using my “avoidant death wheel” model consisting of eight stages.

As individuals progress through these stages, the avoidant (who we often find to be the exes of our clients) reaches a point where they start missing their former partner, and the grief from the breakup begins to surface.

At this juncture, they have a choice: either confront and process their emotions, something women tend to excel at, or distract themselves.

Rebounding is often a way of seeking distraction. We have observed that fearful avoidants are more susceptible to rebounding, although avoidants in general may also engage in this behavior.

Interestingly, according to the research, rebound relationships tend not to last very long.

They have a relatively low success rate, with only 19% of rebound relationships lasting beyond two years.

So, in the long run, a rebound relationship is unlikely to endure for an extended period. Nevertheless, men are more inclined to pursue rebounds as a means of temporarily forgetting or processing their grief.

Behavior #5: The “Glow Down” PhaseNow, the next two breakup behaviors exhibited by women are closely interconnected.

1. The glow down phase
2. The glow up phase

They care considered separate, but they can almost be combined into one simple behavior if that makes any sense.

To truly understand this, we need to explore a crossroads that individuals face during a breakup. At this crossroads, one can either experience a “glow down” or a “glow up.”

Let’s first discuss the glow down phase.

What is the glow down phase?

Essentially, it’s when someone reaches a crossroads and allows the grief and trauma of the breakup to negatively impact them. They may engage in unhealthy behaviors such as excessive drinking, smoking, or seeking validation through multiple casual encounters.

Ultimately, these behaviors serve as distractions.

Similar to men who may be inclined to pursue rebound relationships, women also resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with the pain and trauma they’re experiencing.

Unfortunately, they neglect what we refer to as the Holy Trinity, a concept we emphasize emphatically here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

Instead of actively working on improving different aspects of their lives, they engage in actions that may provide temporary relief but do not contribute to long-term growth.

For instance, Coach Amor (in the podcast attached to this article above) shared the story of her friend on our podcast, who thought drinking socially would help her relationships, but it ultimately influenced her social circle negatively and hindered progress in other areas of her life.

This phase, known as the glow down, worsens one’s situation as it involves engaging in behaviors that do not lead to genuine improvement.

Now, let’s turn to the other side of the coin, the glow up phase.

Behavior #6: The “Glow Up” PhaseCoach Amor made an insightful point during our discussion about this phase.

She mentioned that sometimes one has to go through a glow down before they can experience a glow up.

It’s about allowing yourself to be broken by the breakup, hitting rock bottom, and then beginning the journey of self-recovery.

This is where the glow up phase comes into play.

During this phase, individuals wholeheartedly embrace the Holy Trinity concept.

Amor herself generously shared her own breakup experience, describing how she initially went through a glow down phase, engaging in negative behaviors and neglecting the Trinity, despite being aware of its importance.

However, once she reached rock bottom, she shifted gears and decided to rebuild her life.

She focused on balancing different aspects of her Trinity, creating momentum that gradually gained strength.

Ultimately, her self-confidence grew.

This is the key we strive for when assisting our clients through breakups – helping them reach a point where they are not only okay with their ex, but also content with being single.

They become confident in the knowledge that a successful relationship awaits them in the future. This is the essence of the glow up phase.

By working on oneself internally, positive external changes begin to manifest.

Finally, let’s address the last significant behavior,

Behavior #7: Getting Stuck In The Relapse StageThis is going to resonate with many of you.

Let’s start by discussing the stages of grief commonly associated with breakups.

While experts often talk about the five stages of grief, according to psychologist Susan Lachman, there are actually seven stages of grieving a breakup.

The seven stages are as follows:

1. being desperate for answers
2. denial
3. bargaining
4. relapse
5. anger
6. initial acceptance of the breakup
7. redirected hope.

I’ve noticed that many people tend to get stuck in the relapse stage.

Let’s take Coach Amor as an example.

During the podcast episode for this article, she shared her own breakup story, describing how she went through the glow down phase and then repaired herself by going through the glow up phase.

However, she recently found herself in the relapse stage, where she constantly cycles through different stages of grief, desperate for answers, getting stuck in denial, or growing overly angry.

Her argument was that her momentum was negatively impacted, causing her to regress.

Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of her past relationship, she started reminiscing about the good times. This is an important concept that is often overlooked.

And that’s the thing, the stages of grief are not experienced in a linear fashion.

People often find themselves jumping from denial to anger to acceptance and then back to bargaining, constantly relapsing.

The relapse stage itself is characterized by this jumping around, tricking oneself into thinking they have fully accepted the breakup, only to realize that they haven’t truly done so.

It becomes a cycle that people can remain stuck in for a significant amount of time.

It’s crucial to recognize that this is a normal part of the grieving process that occurs during a breakup.

However, if you want to move past the relapse stage, there are three things you can do.

1. Accept your circumstances
2. Distract yourself
3. Re-appraise your ex

Accept your circumstances

Acknowledge that the breakup has happened and that you need to adapt to this new reality.

Distract yourself

Take a page from Amors book and find healthy distractions, such as going to the gym. It’s important to note that if the distraction is removed, as in Amor’s case when she couldn’t go to the gym anymore, a relapse may occur.

This brings us to the third point.

Re-appraise your ex

Take a comprehensive look at your time together and acknowledge that while there may have been good moments, there were also significant challenges and negative experiences.

Focusing on the negative aspects will help you detach emotionally from your ex.

Strangely enough, even if you want your ex back, falling out of love with them is often an essential part of the process.

Consistently the most effective approach is to outgrow your ex and move forward.

The post Female Behavior After A Breakup first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today Coach Amor and I will be breaking down this concept of pushing and pulling during a breakup.

More specifically,

• We’re going to define it
• Show you our push pull equation
• Look at the healthy way of utilizing push/pull
• Look at the toxic ways in which it’s utilized
• Show you how to implement it during the rapport building phase
• And most importantly have you sign up for coaching with Amor!

There’s a lot to cover here so let’s jump right into it.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizInterview Transcript SummarySUMMARY KEYWORDS
pull, give, push, people, response, toxic, mirroring, negative, strategy, love, ghosting, positive response, implement, girls, pace, reach, move, argument, bare minimum, interesting
SPEAKERS
Amor, Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter 00:00
ready? Okay, today, a more and I are going to be talking about the push pull method of flirting as it relates the breakup situation. How are we doing today? We’re

Amor 00:17
doing great. I’m excited for topic today. It’s very interesting.

Chris Seiter 00:22
So I want everyone listening to this to know that more, and I spent an hour. And I literally, I don’t know if you know this more, but I timed it. You can see my screen here. I timed it below. It’s an hour and five minutes. Yeah, this outline. We barely have anything. No, I’m just kidding.

Amor 00:40
We had a lot of arguments. We did.

Chris Seiter 00:43
We did. And actually, what a great segue. Our very first argument was revolving around defining push and pull. Yeah. So so we had a fundamental difference on what push and pull meant. So I believe I think you need to

Amor 00:59
adjust that. Okay. Some people might have the same idea as I did.

Chris Seiter 01:05
Yeah, you know, it is kind of confusing because of the way they I’ve also heard it referred to as rubber banding, which might actually be an accurate way of looking at it. But of course, push and pull is the keyword people type into Google. So that’s the one we got to play with. Anyways, basically, this is funny, this is the big argument that I’m worn, I had basically for like 15 minutes. And I think I won the argument after I pulled up like multiple references, or at least a reference. But basically, I believed that pushing was essentially the kin to ghosting someone or avoiding someone and pulling was kind of like love bombing or showing a lot of interest. But a more had this wacky other way of thinking about it. And now tag your it because I don’t even know how to explain that.

Amor 01:53
In my point of view, when you push, it’s not your it’s your time of giving so much investing so much giving attention, you know, texting a lot, calling a lot, showing up a lot. And then when you pull, you suddenly take it all back. It’s a very toxic way. But that’s how manipulators do it in their mind. They’re investing investing, investing in the receivers point of view. That’s the push and when they pull away when everything is gone when they’re bread, crumbing or ghosting, that’s the pull away stage. That’s actually yeah, I realized that’s wrong. I mean, that’s not the right definition. I just really did it that that.

Chris Seiter 02:35
So the thing is, I see what you’re talking about. But for the purposes of this discussion, we’re gonna go with my definition, since I think that’s probably the most accurate one. Not to say you’re wrong, but you’re wrong.

Amor 02:52
I am wrong. Okay, but defeat.

Chris Seiter 02:55
Finally, God only took an hour. Okay, so basically, for the purpose of this discussion, push is going to be ghosting. Polling is going to be kind of love bombing. And we kind of came up with this fun little equation about really, I don’t know, maybe if equation is the right word, but basically a frame of reference to look at pushing and pulling. And, and it was actually a Moore, who had this really intriguing way of looking about how girls and guys kind of handle relationships. Yeah, so why don’t you go ahead and take that.

Amor 03:33
I used to hear this a lot from other women. not that old, but since high school. And you know, how, you know, how is the courtship starts with men pursuing the flirting stage. And we don’t know this that, at first, the guys are, sometimes they’re always into it, like, they move too fast. They give everything and when they’re excited, you know, they want to do everything they plan everything they want to see you always what the girls are not aware of is that the guys set the direction of the relationship or the courtship stage, but the girl should be the one that’s deciding about the pace of how, you know how everything goes, That guy set the direction the girl set the pace. So in that way, you’re both incorporating the push pull equation, because if you’re, but most of the time, girls are not aware of that. They just let the guy pursue and pursue and then in some cases, if if the guy is toxic, if the guy is manipulative, they know that the more they invest, they’re gonna, they’re gonna hook you in and then that’s when they ghost you or they read Chrome, you now you’re confused. There’s only one person is implementing the push and pull. The guy is setting the direction and he’s also setting that He’s so yeah, just to share girls, you need to be aware of that you should be the one setting the pace. And I think you gave a better example on how to implement it equally, because I didn’t I wasn’t even. I didn’t realize that we can. You know, the guys are the one that’s the guy should allow the girl, I think you need to talk about that more. Okay.

Chris Seiter 05:27
So yeah, I mean, believe it or not, I’ve been doing this for 10 years. It was the first time I had ever heard this take on relationship dynamics, and I loved it. So

Amor 05:37
I think it’s more of a cultural thing. Because in Asian, you know, in Asian culture, the guy should be the pursuer. It’s not encouraged for the girls to pursue. You’re allowed.

Chris Seiter 05:51
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I can’t tell you how often people want to crucify me for saying like, Oh, yeah, no, you reach out first, especially if they’re women. They’re like, No, but no. So I don’t necessarily think it’s just Asian culture. I think it’s almost as a universal thing. But yeah, so

Amor 06:04
basically, your wraps in the topic of, you know, feminine and masculine energy. right into that.

Chris Seiter 06:12
I think they are

Amor 06:13
interrupting you. Okay, good.

Chris Seiter 06:17
So yeah, basically, the argument you were making is like, Guys, in general, in relationships, they’re thinking about the direction you know, where to go, what to do natural. So like, they have this, this natural inclination to want to move really fast. They, they’re kind of in love with this pursuit stage. Whereas girls, on the other hand, they’re all about the pace of the relationship, which I really love that you talked about that. So like, you know, oftentimes they’ll say, you know, that date doesn’t work for me, or I’m not ready for that. So they kind of dictate the pace, but

Amor 06:45
we’re worried about it, but we love it, that you move fast, but we are worried about it.

Chris Seiter 06:51
You’re kind of like slow down their head honcho? You know, we’re not, we’re not quite ready for that yet. But yeah, more than I had this really another one of the big debates we had when we were kind of like outlining this topic was the healthy ways of push pull, and the toxic ways of push pulling. And I think that was that was an idea that came up with you. So basically, like, she was asking me like, Hey, what is the healthy way of of implementing this push pull thing, and I was arguing that I think there needs to be a reset in the way that we’ve looked at pushing and pulling, you know, we often look at the pushing and pulling as his way of manipulating this person to feel a certain way about us. Instead, I think a more healthy way of looking at it is the mirroring approach, you know, so when they pull back, you pull back. And what often happens in healthy environments is guys, they’re allowing the girl to set the pace, and girls are knowing when to set the pace. So oftentimes, this push pull mechanism, these two elements are present. But on the other hand, a more was talking about this toxic way of pushing and pulling. And we actually had a really long spirited debate about like, Okay, well, let’s define what the toxic way of pushing and pulling is. And the toxic way is, basically you’re trying to manipulate the person with selfish intent, so you only care about what you feel. So you’re kind of like in love with this high being chased. And we see this a lot with guys specifically, who are not allowing a girl to pace and girls not knowing that they are allowed, they let the guy dictate the pace. And these are kind of like the this, if you look at this equation of like, Okay, girls, set the pace, guys try it or think about the direction. And if that is present, you tend to have a more healthy way of looking at this push pull. But on the other hand, it’s very toxic. If guys are setting the pace, or yeah, basically, guys are setting the pace and direction. So to kind of bring this back to that masculine feminine energy or a yin and yang, both of these elements need to be in place for a healthy relationship to potentially develop. Yeah. And I do you want to take the implementing the because really, you so I want

Amor 09:15
to be more clear that go over I know, I mentioned this earlier, but if the toxic way is leaning more on what the intent is, for example, if it’s a long term relationship, and just like what we talked about, once you’re bored, you pull away everything, just because you’re bored. But sometimes, you know, I don’t know how you would react to this stress, but sometimes a little bit of that for me, for me, it’s okay just to spice things up, but don’t do it in a routine way. Like you need to you need to set it so that when you know there’s an imbalance in the relationship. Like you’re giving way too much. You have to pull back. And that’s that’s although the intention is more for yourself. You’re thinking about I like how we advise the UG hours because some of them would think so the UG hours or more for myself than that it’s toxic right?

Chris Seiter 10:08
Now you can easily argue that this is girls just setting the pace.

Amor 10:13
Yes, yes, exactly. But if they do it, is it also toxic if they need more time for themselves?

Chris Seiter 10:22
I don’t think so.

Amor 10:24
Right? Because yeah, they are basing it, but it’s not. I just want to make it clear that it’s not black and white. But you would know that if it’s toxic, if it keeps happening, if it becomes a pattern. Ghosting, you know, right bread crumbing. That’s a push and pull tactic. And they’re doing it for fun, not because they want to be want to grow, they need time for themselves. No, they’re doing it for the height of the feeling of being chased. Some because I want to address that this people, some people are, they’re not really into this, because they feel like they’re manipulating their ex. So, yeah.

Chris Seiter 11:05
But yeah, I mean, I think certainly that’s the case with a lot of people, I think the the long pole in the tent for people to understand, I guess the thing we’re trying to get out here is probably the mantra you should be having when you’re looking at pushing and pulling is instead trying to approach it from a mirroring perspective.

Amor 11:27
Racing,

Chris Seiter 11:29
because, like, if you think about it, like if you’re marrying someone, it allows a relationship to kind of unfold organically. And really to kind of hammer this home, you know, a more was asking me like, Okay, you, you’re arguing, Chris, that the the push pool concept is sort of not even the right way of looking at it. Instead, the mirroring concept is probably the better way, you know, when they pull away, you, you pull away when they pull back, you pull back. But how do you actually implement it? When you’re building rapport? And you do it? Exactly. And so my argument there is, it’s important when you’re in the rapport building stage with an ex, or I guess, just in general with anyone. We’ve had actually a lot of interesting. People in the Facebook group specifically telling us like, yeah, you know, I’m not trying to get my ex back anymore. But I use some of the stuff that you’re teaching to get exes back on, just like normal dates, and it’s working. So I do think there’s some applications here with just non breakup situations. But it’s important that you have a framework like the value ladder, and within that framework, be implementing the mirroring approach with some guardrails or bumpers. And to kind of, we kind of created a chart, I guess, to help with that. Do you want to just set up the chart? And then I can kind of go into it?

Amor 12:58
Yeah, we we talked about how do you really handle it in the real world? Because that’s probably what your concerns are, how do you implement the push pull while you’re building rapport? And with the responses that, you know, you’re gonna get? So how do you implement the push pull when you get a positive and negative and neutral and no response? That’s, that’s what you’re gonna encounter, whether you’re trying to build rapport with your ex or with a new person. So the first at first, I thought, if you always, you know, get a positive response, which what we all want in a fairytale setting your positive response? Yeah. And everything’s good. And you’re getting back faster than everyone else.

Chris Seiter 13:41
It’s true.

Amor 13:45
In real life, specially with our listeners who have avoidant access, or let’s say fearful avoidant, let’s say you get a positive response. This, does that mean, you’re not going to implement the push pull? Well, how do you? Yeah.

Chris Seiter 14:02
Are you asking me more?

Amor 14:04
Yeah. Okay.

Chris Seiter 14:08
So yeah, I mean, this is actually something like not to belabor the point here. But this is actually something I struggled with a long time. Because we see it a lot in the group. This concept of people really falling in love with being Eugene, and a lot of times they associate being Eugene with being unavailable. And that is a huge part of it, you know, but if you’re unavailable all the time, that’s not going to foster necessarily the best environment for attraction to happen. You have to be available some time for attraction to happen. And so yeah, one of the reasons why I like the mirroring approach so much is actually how it handles positive interactions. So oftentimes, what I see people or a mistake I see people making in the group is they get a positive response from their ex And then they’re almost trained. And a lot of this is my fault for the way I had the program set up in the past before we kind of like had it evolve, but they’re trained to like, Okay, I got the positive response. Now I’m gonna kind of go back into my bunker and wait a little bit, and then I’ll come back out. But what’s interesting is, when I’ve interviewed a lot of success stories, I found that it’s usually the people who take advantage of the momentum that end up having the greater successes in the end. So in my opinion, when you get a positive response with someone, it’s important to keep going. But you don’t want to match their exact enthusiasm. So if they’re like, if their enthusiasm is at a 10, you want to match their enthusiasm, but a bit at a seven. So you give them a little something, you acknowledge how they’re feeling, and you can kind of keep the momentum going, but you’re not matching them. Exactly. So you’re there’s always like a little, little sum. So I think that’s kind of the thing that makes the biggest difference. And that that is that is my way of being available while being unavailable.

Amor 16:02
Like what I basically you’re basing it, you’re trying to take it slow. Yeah. But you’re not totally pushing them away. By being predictable. You’re there, you’re like, you have to validate, but also take the lead of taking, taking everything. So because the tendency for some of the excess is that they get excited, because they get the attention back. Yeah. And then they realize later on, that they’re overwhelmed. So to avoid that, you need to give just 75% As you say, yeah, not blowing them off. Yeah,

Chris Seiter 16:33
right. I think the one other caveat I would have with positive responses is we’re talking about positive responses after the no contact rule. And after you’ve already engaged in some conversations with them, this does not apply to our rules for first contact text messages after the no contact rule. Because in that case, you usually want to give them a day or two before you reach out again and slowly. This is like when you have connection built up. But you’re kind of stuck in a stagnant limbo. But anyways, you want to you want to set up the next one for me.

Amor 17:06
Okay, I think this one’s the, when you’re getting a negative response, this is more of the concern of probably a lot more of the listeners, what you do when they’re really negative.

Chris Seiter 17:19
So when they’re really negative, how do

Amor 17:21
you can can you still implement the push pull? Yeah, like they don’t want to talk to you?

Chris Seiter 17:27
Yeah, like I said, our version of push pull is we’re trying to shift it more towards mirroring. So it’s a more organic approach or more organic unfold. So when you’re getting a negative response, the mirroring approach would actually not be perfectly correct here, because the mirroring response would have you be like, you know, they say something mean to you, and you say something mean back? Well, especially if you’re trying to get your ex back. That’s not necessarily the best thing. But instead, you want to, quote unquote, mirror that as you don’t want to reward negative behavior. So you give them space, but the question becomes, how much space and how many days depends on how negative they were, and how often they were negative. So like, for example, let’s say your ex was just kind of negative, they said something snarky to you, maybe you would just say, Okay, I’m gonna wait a week before I try to reach out again. But let’s say this is your fifth attempt to reach out to them and every time you reach out to them, they’ve been incredibly negative. Well, each time that they’re more negative, subsequently, you want to extend the amount of space that you give them. But a more you brought up a really interesting question, which is, okay, well, let’s say when you’d like you have to reach out to them. Yeah, remember, you were you were asking me, like the negative? Like, if they’re incredibly negative, you give them the space, and then you have to reach out to them again. Yeah.

Amor 18:52
How do you watch out again, how do you initiate? Like, if they seem like they’re, they really don’t want to talk to you? How do you start again? What kind of message do you send or open up in a call?

Chris Seiter 19:05
Yeah, so that’s another really great question. And I think the answer to this can be found once again by looking at our success stories. So if you Oh, well said a few years ago, a few weeks ago, I was interviewing this, this girl who ended up using our program to get our ex back. And she told us really interesting story. And maybe this isn’t an apples to apples comparison. But it gave me kind of the perfect essence of oh, this is the correct way to approach this. She told the story of how she reached out to her ex and got him to be incredibly interested back. And basically, it was during the World Cup and her ex’s favorite team got a big win during the World Cup. And she texted him like, hey, congratulations. And when he was in this really highly, I don’t know euphoric state. He responded to her in a so like, it’s finding like sometimes you just have to wait for the universe to provide the correct answer for you. So for her, it was matching something newsworthy that was going on with a happy, positive emotion. And if you can kind of find those two things and craft a text around it, you’ll tend to get better results. So that’s the best, I

Amor 20:16
actually messaged him right at that moment. She didn’t wait for, like, a few days after they won. That would be weird, because the expectation was that her ex was probably also very happy about it. And you have to give the opportunity of that moment. So you have to, yes, you have to be present at the time that when you’re about to reach out, find out what’s currently happening, that’s going to be interesting for them, even if it’s not just, I think for me, it’s also about their personal lives, you know, if there’s nothing newsworthy, you have to like, be more observant on what’s more pressing for your ex so that it comes off natural. what’s currently going on in their life.

Chris Seiter 21:01
Yep, that’s like the common theme that’s coming up here, a more which is like, natural, organic, you want things to unfold in that way

Amor 21:10
natural? Yeah. So

Chris Seiter 21:11
it doesn’t feel forced.

Amor 21:13
But with the next one with the neutral responses, when you’re not sure if it’s positive or negative? does that also mean it’s easier? Or is it harder compared to negative and positive ones? Because you’re not sure?

Chris Seiter 21:27
Yeah, I think probably the challenge lies in figuring out if it’s positive, or negative, or neutral, or like basically just defining what neutral looks like, for me, neutral is like they gave you the bare minimum. So they weren’t mean to you, they weren’t overly happy to see you, they just gave you the very bare minimum, oftentimes, this is going to be very short, quick responses, sometimes one word, they’re giving you something. So it’s not necessarily the worst thing in the world. But if you’re going to approach the when they pull back, you pull back approach, the neutral can be construed as them pulling back a tiny bit. So to mirror that same behavior, you want to pull back a tiny bit and a tiny bit. And this frame of reference is anywhere between three to five days, you’re just going to have to pick that based on your your gut on that. I don’t know if there’s too much more to talk about. Do you have anything else on neutral that you want to

Amor 22:26
know, I just realized something that in a way, it’s kind of hard because it’s kind of harder compared to negative responses. Because when someone gives a negative response, it shows that they’re still emotional about you or with you. But with a neutral one, you’re not really so sure. So, but it also shows that they’re not angry. So yeah, they’re just pulling back a little bit. They’re less emotional. So you just have to mirror that if it shows that you have a chance, a little bit. They’re not totally closed off. But in comparison to the next one there no response. Does that mean? It’s a total loss? Like, they really don’t want to talk to you anymore? Yeah, emotional and they’re not neutral? It

Chris Seiter 23:11
it’s dependent on on a lot of factors. Usually, it’s dependent on factors that lead up to your

Amor 23:17
Yeah, with no response, is there something to mirror with? Nothing.

Chris Seiter 23:24
I think the only thing that you can do is you’re texting them something. So the first thing I would always try to do is diagnose if the text messages the problem, because sometimes I see text messages in the community that people are sending. And I’m like, that was clearly a problem. Where they’re just not, you know, it’s just not good enough to get a response. And not to make this about me. But I’ve been thinking a lot about this ever since chat GPT came out. One of the interesting, maybe positive ramifications of chat GPT is the fact that it’s going to require quality content to go upwards. So now articles that are going to be picked or stand out will be higher quality, because everyone’s going to be using chat GPT to just mass create these articles that don’t have any life to them. And to kind of relate that to text messages if you just do the bare minimum in your text message. And that that in you kind of expect the response because hey, you were together at one point, this is your ex they used to respond to you all the time. Well, the rules are different now. And if you just did the bare minimum and you’re expecting a response, and you got no response, that might not necessarily be indicative of like, oh, they hate you. It might just be indicative of you sent like kind of a lame text that’s not going to get a response. So right. The first thing I would always do is diagnose if the text message is going is essentially the problem. If it is then I would fix it and try again in about a week. If you get another no response, then you’re going to want to go into like a no contact like a straight up 21 Day

Amor 25:00
For, oh, not because just 21 days, okay?

Chris Seiter 25:03
Because in that case, then it’s not your text message, that’s the problem, it’s most likely they’re really holding a grudge based on the relationship, and they need more space. Okay, and, and the most important through line throughout all of this is, I wrote this article today where I was talking about, you know, really, the strategy for getting someone back is the same, if you want to get over them, you know, consistently, we’re finding the most meaningful thing that you can do to get your ex back is to move on from them. So if you’re not

Amor 25:35
specifically has to be genuine. Yeah, you can’t really

Chris Seiter 25:39
fake it. I used to think you could, that you know, if you actually go and read any of my articles from like, 2013, or 2014, it was like, well fake it till you make it. But after talking with people, and just through authentically saying, Yeah, I, I actually had to move on, I had to get to this point where I got to this place where I was like, you know, what, whatever, I’m okay without them. And that’s when they came back. I’m not one for the masculine or feminine energy type thing. But if you want to make a case for its existence, you know, it’s there.

Amor 26:10
Yeah, I want to share something personally, because I decided to move on from a recent ex, but that doesn’t, but when I broke up with him, I still loved him. So Emotionally, I was still there, there was a part of me, that’s wanting him to get, you know, to reach out to try to get back together with me. But what I noticed is when I’m really because because I mean, this, like we’ve you know, feeling like there are times that I want him back, but I’m logically decided that I don’t want to get back together with him emotionally, there’s this wanting from me. And every time I emotionally accepted that we’re not going to get back together, okay, I need to focus on moving on, I need to focus on that I need to cut the hope. And just really focus on myself. That’s when he reaches out and it throws me off. And I have to remind myself, you have to help them avoid. So even from someone that surgically decided that they need to move on by being by saying genuinely, you have to both emotionally and logically decided to get you have to move on guys.

Chris Seiter 27:16
Well, okay, so this is an interesting thing, because you were talking and it made me think of what the article I was writing today, because I was making this point that you’re basically making, but I found some research to kind of back it up, which is really cool. So basically, these these scientists were, were looking at romantic breakups, and essentially what caused people to heal from them. And they found that there’s like this triad of strategies. So they took 24 Heartbroken individuals who had recently experienced a breakup. And they basically tested these three strategies on them. And then they would show them pictures of their acts and measure their brainwaves or what have you. And the three strategies were really interesting. So the first strategy was like negatively reappraising their acts. So basically, like, like a more think of all the horrible things about your ex. And just think about that all the time. That was strategy number one. Strategy number two was called Love reappraisal, which is essentially like accepting like, okay, we’re broken up. This is my new reality. Strategy number three was distraction. Okay, so here’s the mind blowing thing. If you do all three of these things, it can make a huge difference for you, authentically getting over your ex,

Amor 28:27
but you need to publish that.

Chris Seiter 28:31
By but these three strategies are not all created equally. So for example. Yeah, I think it was like

Amor 28:39
the negative segue for the next podcast, like a sneak peek. No, no,

Chris Seiter 28:45
I just literally wrote this article today. So it’s really top of

Amor 28:48
mind just thing.

Chris Seiter 28:50
But basically, distraction was maybe basically the most effective approach. But when they conducted brain scans, they showed that it didn’t look like distraction did not remove how they felt about their ex. It helps them get their mind off the experts did not help them what helped us get over their ex or like stop loving them as much is

Amor 29:21
perfect definition

Chris Seiter 29:26
was okay, here’s the here’s the thing. Distraction works to get your mind off of your ex, but it doesn’t Yes, prevent your love for them doesn’t go away as quickly. What makes your love for them go away is negatively reappraising them, basically thinking about all the horrible ways they treated you And so essentially, those are the two important strategies to remember

Amor 29:47
stop missing the good times. Because logic can be as you said, Yeah, I’m good with distracting myself logically. I know I’m not gonna get back together with him. But the feelings of missing the good times is still there. I want that back. And I’m like, No, you’re not. Instead, we’re having an argument with myself every day. You should,

Chris Seiter 30:06
like try to remember the experience as a whole, according to this research by him.

Amor 30:11
Yeah. In short, vilify him

Chris Seiter 30:15
if you want the love for the go down, but also, I think it’s more than that, you know, the one thing that they didn’t really talk about was that middle strategy, which is just kind of accepting this as my new reality and being okay with it. And that is what we’re trying to teach our clients. Yeah, be okay have

Amor 30:30
a new reality. Yeah, I have another take on that. Because I heard another one of those advices from I can’t remember if it’s YouTuber tic toc that it’s harder, because when we tend to remember the x, we remember the beginning or the middle. And then we don’t remember how it ended when the mask came off. When when the problems arise. And that’s, I think, how I should remember him. So that, I’m reminded that

Chris Seiter 30:57
that’s similar to the peak end rule, which is like, we don’t really remember experiences so much.

Amor 31:05
Yeah, we remember difference, the highs and,

Chris Seiter 31:07
or the ends. And so was this. The other thing, though, with the peak, enroll the people that people mostly think like the peak, like, oh, the most exciting moment of the experience, but actually peaks can also be peak negative moments in the middle. And so it can swing both ways. But what I found, like you just said is most most of our clients, they tend to only romanticize those really positive moments, but it’s important for you to realize, not all of it was perfect. And that will actually help your coping process.

Amor 31:38
It does unconsciously mean unconsciously, unconsciously remembering the bad times, but I have to keep reminding myself that you have to remember why it ended, no matter how good they look like with his current girlfriend. It’s probably not. I’m not seeing everything.

Chris Seiter 31:56
No. And I think also, there is indication in statistics and science behind people who post a lot on social media tend to be more unhappy. So I think there’s a lot of facts, I think, this going and I think also, you know, if you want to get really technical, like cortisol is not. So cortisol, when you go through a breakup it shoots way, way up. And if it’s in this elevated state, then it will stay in that eldest elevated state much longer. So normally, it takes like three hours for it to kind of come down to normal. But if you’re checking social media, thinking about that, their cortisol up, and now all of a sudden, what should go away in three hours take six months to go away. And that’s not what we want. So a lot of what we’re trying to teach people is getting them to that emotional place. But I think that’s a perfect place to end this podcast.

Amor 32:51
We went way off topic we did. So they got a sense of how to move on. So

Chris Seiter 32:58
but a more. Okay, how many coaching session availability spots do you have for this week?

Amor 33:07
This week? I have to check, but I think I have a lot of someone. I have some news this week. I have a few.

Chris Seiter 33:17
Cool? Do you want to tell people how they can sign up with you? Or potentially what coaching sessions look like with you?

Amor 33:26
Okay, guys, so are you going to put in my Calendly link in the show notes

Chris Seiter 33:31
that they have to pay to get access to that? Unfortunately, yes. We will put in a coaching page.

Amor 33:39
Yes, you have to put in the coaching page. So yeah, if you want to like if you need more one on one coaching and with specifically with your situation, you can check out the coaching page that Chris is going to put in the show notes. And if you want to know how it works, usually, we you send in a summary of your situation. And I talk about the perspective of you know, I’ll give you an outsider’s perspective and strategies and techniques on how to increase your chances, though we cannot guarantee that you will get your ex back, but it will help. I’ll help you have a more logical perspective on what’s happening with your situation. Because the tendency is most of the clients or all of them are very emotional and they can think straight and you know what, sometimes they actually know what to do. They just need like a reminder and a different date because your friends, your co workers, your family, they’re also emotional about your situation. So even if they’re giving they’re probably not. They’re not going to give you a sound advice when it comes to you.

Chris Seiter 34:50
They’re also not maybe everybody else. When they find out you want your ex back to

Amor 34:54
yes, they’re not going to be as supportive. So yeah, if you need more professional, maybe not super professional, I’m not a therapist, but a more experienced point of view and a logical point of view to see if you have I don’t want to see if you have a chance, but to assess on what the real situation between you and your ex is on which one of your thoughts or just, you know, you overthinking. So, yeah,

Chris Seiter 35:30
I can see incredibly, was incredibly authentic with her

Amor 35:35
with your coach on this. Need to see this. But how are we doing?

Chris Seiter 35:45
I’m a real person, you know, you’re not an AI.

Amor 35:48
I’m not chat TP. I wish I am. Because

Chris Seiter 35:53
knowledge base would be pretty impressive, but you would also hallucinate data and give me so I went to church. So last thing, before we leave, I want to chat GPT extremely excited about its potential of looking up studies because I was like, this can be a great resource for me to like, look up studies to prove the points I’m making. And it it came up with like all these studies, and I was like, blown away by this. Yeah, every single study it came up with it made up it was lies. It just made it up. Oh, no, I found out later that that’s a very common problem with these chatbots. They hallucinate data, but they’re so confident with themselves, that they make it 10 pages on websites. And so I click on that, I’d be like, Hey, give me the source for that and click on the link and be like, Where the heck is the page? It’s, it’s a broken leg.

Amor 36:39
That’s scary. Yeah, so they hallucinate. So they’re like imagining pains now. Oh, my God.

Chris Seiter 36:46
Yeah, they are. They’re very confident about it, too. So you always have to check when you’re like asking it stuff. The only thing I’ve ever been using it for so far is is proofreading. But even if proofreads I’m not loving, like the results, I get with it when it proofreads because I’m like, like, hey, proofread this, but don’t take away my voice just like check for grammar and fix all the run on sentences. Yeah. And it it makes me sound like a robot and I can’t stand it. But it’s so yeah, that’s what I’m like.

Amor 37:15
Yeah. That’s what I don’t like actually, with chatty be, you have to be really clear with your instruction. It’s like programming. You’re like a programmer, because if you’re not near, they’re going to decide decide on what to give you that it’s kind of weird, do not create deciding, but just based on their algorithm. It’s pretty impressive though the church Yes. chatbots. And it’s scary. It was scary. They’re still different with human interaction is very different. Because with us, of course, it’s authentic and there’s feelings involved. You know, we understand what you’re going through that the AIS don’t, they’re gonna give you made up solutions or logical solutions, it’s probably gonna hurt your situation more than help you

Chris Seiter 38:04
because they don’t understand what you feel. So you sign up with a more she’s not an AI chatbot and all that. I think that’s the perfect place to stop.

Amor 38:15
Yeah. And

The post The Push/Pull Approach To Breakups first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Ready to learn about the basic male behaviors you can expect after a breakup. In this in-depth guide, Coach Amor and I are going to answer,

• Why there are 7 stages of grief that men will go through after a breakup
• The 10 most common behaviors men typically engage in after breakups
• How men show their emotions differently than women after a breakup
• Why some men move on quickly after a breakup whereas others struggle to let go.

There aren’t too many areas of the male psyche that Amor and I are going to leave uncovered in this one so buckle up.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizThere Are Actually 7 Stages Of Grief When It Comes To BreakupsI mean, we’ve all heard of the five stages of grief, right?

Well, according to Suzanne Lachmann Psy.D., there are actually 7 stages to grieving a breakup,

1. Desperate for answers
2. Denial
3. Bargaining
4. Relapse
5. Anger
6. Initial acceptance
7. Redirected Hope

To be honest with you I did a blow by blow of these seven stages last week in this article and in this video,

So if you want understand how those seven stages work then definitely check out those resources (cause lord knows I don’t have the patience to write another 800 words describing the stages again.)

I bring this up though because really the meat of this article is the typical behaviors that men will “show” after a breakup and each of those behaviors fall into one of the seven stages of grief above so I feel like having at least a working knowledge of those seven stages is important.

Thus, do your research ladies (or gents.)

Alright, let’s get to the reason for why you’re actually here.

Here’s How Men Typically Behave After A BreakupBelow is a list of the 10 most common behaviors we have observed men exhibit after a breakup.

1. Distract themselves
2. Separation Elation
3. Social Media Creeping
4. Self Destructive Behaviors
5. Uptick In Social Media Posts
6. Trying To Make You Jealous
7. Going Back To The Phantom Ex
8. Ask for you back (Bargaining)
9. Angry (Lash out)
10. Your fault (demonize you)

Let’s start from the top.

Behavior #1: They Distract ThemselvesIt is common for men to distract themselves, whether they are the ones who ended the relationship or the ones who ended things with you.

Some common examples of post-breakup behavior that I have observed in men include,

• partying excessively
• playing games (both mobile and PlayStation)
• and spending a lot of time with friends.

Interestingly, some men may not post much on social media. Still, when they do, they almost overcorrect as if trying to “prove that they are ok.”

The reality is that they may have spent the whole day playing games or going to a party for only an hour but made it seem like they were out all night.

By focusing on other activities, they try to avoid feeling the pain of the breakup. Still, they may also need to hide their emotions from others

Behavior #2: Separation ElationGod I feel like a broken record.

I swear I have talked about this everywhere on the website but perhaps none more famously than this video and article,

As you probably know by now most of our clients believe that their exes have an avoidant attachment style,

Which means that most of our clients exes probably experience some variation of the following cycle,

This is the relationship death wheel of which there are eight main stages,

1. I want someone to love me
2. I found someone my troubles are over
3. I’m noticing some worrying things
4. I’m thinking of leaving
5. I’ve decided to leave the relationship
6. I’m so happy that I left
7. I’m starting to feel kind of lonely
8. Why can’t I ever find the right person

It’s really that sixth stage that concerns us here. The whole “I’m so happy that I left” stage.

This is known as “separation elation” or as my favorite avoidant resource, Free To Attach likes to put,

After a relationship ends, people with an avoidant attachment style tend not to show much anxiety or distress, often feeling an initial sense of relief at the relinquishing of obligations and the sense that they are regaining their self-identity, and not tending to initially miss their partner – this is “separation elation” as the pressure to connect is gone.

So, all those times that you are worried about your ex boyfriend looking happy without you, well, it’s real.

But in almost every case it doesn’t last because stages seven and eight of the death wheel are right around the corner.

Behavior #3: Social Media CreepingLet’s talk stats.

According to the Veronica Lucaks and graduate student who conducted a study on Facebook creeping as part of her Media Studies Masters thesis,

Close to 90% of exes admitted to “facebook creeping”

So yes, your ex will probably be spying on you post breakup. If you want to know how you should be handling that I recommend you check out my social media guide.

But ultimately the question almost always turns to some variation of,

Well, my ex is different, they’d never do this. (Yes, yes they will, the statistics bear it out.)

Or my personal favorite,

Well, my ex isn’t even on social media. (I have heard DIRECTLY from exes in success story interviews that they either used a friend or signed up JUST to spy.)

Behavior #4: Self Destructive BehaviorsI’ve been playing around with Chat GPT lately.

(Don’t worry I’m still writing my own articles.)

But I got curious about it’s ability to find me research to back up my points and it DID. Problem was all the research it “found” was made up.

But the one consistent thing that it would always relate to breakups and men is that they are very prone to exhibiting self destructive behaviors.

See for yourself,

It’s actually pretty accurate.

• Substance abuse
• Reckless behaviors
• Isolation
• Avoidance
• Promiscuity

But the real problem with chat GPT is that it usually spits out generic information (right now at least.) So, allow me to add my own spin to destructive behaviors.

All throughout my life I always wanted a tattoo.

My mom said no.

My dad said no.

My very first girlfriend looked disgusted when I told her I wanted one.

Hell, even my best friend didn’t look all too pleased when I dropped a hint.

Well, during my very first breakup ever to my first girlfriend in my anger and grief I decided THAT was the best time to get a tattoo.

My way of rebelling was to get this tattooed onto my left shoulder,

It means freedom.

Behavior #5: You See An Uptick In Social Media PostsThis one is kind of interesting and it has a direct connection with separation elation.

Basically when a guy is “feeling himself” after a breakup one of the behaviors you’ll notice that he engages in is that he’ll start posting on social media, a lot.

Yes, sometimes they can be posts like this,

But very often they won’t be direct “call outs” about you.

It’ll just be an increase in posting frequency.

Maybe your ex would post once a month on facebook or instagram when you were together but now they are posting almost every day.

The question is why?

I think there are many possible explanations,

They feel lonely

Trying to make you jealous by “winning the breakup”

But for me the most likely reason is that they like the attention from other people.

There has been a lot of research lately,

That finds that receiving likes on social media can activate the brain’s reward center, similar to receiving a monetary reward. However, this effect was stronger for likes received from friends compared to likes from strangers.

Thus, as a way of “self soothing” or making themselves feel better after a breakup by relying on the attention of others.

Behavior #6: They Are Trying To Make You Feel JealousI’ve talked a lot on this website of this childish concept that men often fall victim to, winning the breakup.

I mean, they’ve even made entire movies about this concept,

One look at our community is enough to see how many exes can fall victim to this behavior.

But really “winning the breakup” boils down to,

One person looking more successful after a breakup than the other.

As you can probably tell this behavior is correlated to the one above it. Usually exes who are posting on social media a lot are doing so because they want to “win the breakup.”

Which is why I chose to place the two behaviors together.

Behavior #7: Obsessing About The Phantom ExNow we get to the crazy stuff.

Alright, if you want a full breakdown of the phantom ex and how that works I suggest you read my article on it or watch this video,

But basically avoidant exes will often fall victim to something called “a phantom ex.”

Officially, the phantom ex is a past partner that you can’t seem to stop thinking about. Instead, you hyper focus on them and romanticize your time together. Even when that time together wasn’t all that great.

But one of the things I’ve noticed that almost no one seems to talk about is how often your ex will start obsessing about their “phantom ex” while they are still with you.

And this is really on brand for avoidants.

For them, the ideal relationship is one where they don’t have to fully commit. One where they can daydream from afar.

And sometimes the pull of this phantom ex is so strong that they find themselves actively trying to re-pursue this person only to lose interest with them when they finally DO get that person

And around and around we go.

Behavior #8: They Try To Ask For You BackDo you remember when I said that all of these behaviors can be linked to the 7 stages of breakup grief.

Well, this one is firmly linked to “bargaining.”

One admission, this one tends to be rarer but it does happen. In fact, every once in a while during my interviews with success stories you can find that an ex will ask them back during that no contact phase like in Jenny’s situation below,

Essentially she didn’t even have a chance to complete a full no contact rule because he showed up to her porch and basically begged for her back.

I do want it noted though that this is the exception to the rule.

Most exes will NOT do this.

Behavior #9: AngerOnce again pulling from our those stages of grief.

Here’s the interesting thing about anger that no one thinks about. Very often after a breakup it’s easier to hold on to anger for it’s cathartic release.

BUT IT’S A TEMPORARY ONE!

Research suggests that holding on to anger for too long can cause you to go in a cognitive decline as opposed to those who are more likely to forgive.

Basically the following functions become negatively affected,

• Memory
• Attention
• Perception
• Problem Solving

All things you don’t want to decline.

Behavior #10: They Demonize YouThey make you the bad guy.

And yes, that’s even including situations where they were the ones to break up with you.

It’s so much easier to blame someone else as apposed to taking ownership yourself for problems you may have created.

This is often why you’ll hear them saying bad things about you behind your back. It’s all a deflection mechanism their ego has in place so they get to remain as the “good guy.”

How Do Men Show Their Emotions Differently Than Women After A Breakup?I get asked this question all the time and the answer is actually really interesting and has a lot to do with the societal expectations of how men and women are supposed to handle breakups.

According to this research paper from the University of Texas

Women tend to feel more comfort in relying on friends and family after a breakup where men don’t want to give in to the stigma of “needing help after a breakup.” which ultimately means they hold on to the breakup longer.

This is why, over the long term men tend to have a more difficult time “moving on” from breakups as opposed to women.

They feel all this outside pressure from society that they should “have it handled.”

But the “handling it yourself” approach doesn’t really help you process your emotions.

Women have it right. They seek help from others. They talk to others. They process their feelings and this allows them to more fully let go when the time comes.

But then why is it that some men seem to move on quickly after a breakup, while others struggle to let go?

Well, I think attachment styles might play a role in explaining this.

• Anxious exes: Obsess and try to fix. They don’t move on quickly.
• Avoidant exes: Avoid and suppress, initially seeming to let go quickly.

But make no mistake, statistically speaking, men struggle with more long term effects related to breakups than women seem to.

The post Male Behavior After A Breakup first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Last week I had the pleasure of interviewing Chris (yep, she has the exact same name as me.)

Her situation was really intriguing because she actually met a new guy during the no contact rule and decided to pursue him. Of course, as these things typically go, right as she gets the new guy the old one comes back.

So, if any of this sounds interesting to you,

• A unique look at how our program can work on people who aren’t exes
• What being unblocked by an ex usually looks like
• How to thrive during no contact
• The importance of letting go of an ex to get them back

Then you are definitely going to want to listen to this interview.

Interview TranscriptChris Seiter 00:02
All right, today we are talking to Chris, which is funny. But Chris, Chris has kind of a unique success story. She came through our program. I don’t know too much about her situation, actually, which is, which I think is gonna make for a great interview. But from what I understand she came through our program to get an ex back about a year ago, and decided that she didn’t want him back anymore. But now he’s blowing up her phone. Do I have that? Right? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, interview over let’s we’re done. Yeah, right. Worked. Follow the program. Yeah, right. Okay, so why don’t you take us back to the very beginning and, you know, take us off, I was devastated. I dated this guy for

Chris 00:47
three months, it seems like a short amount of time, but it really felt like we were moving in the right direction. And then one day, after we came back from a short, like, vacation, he broke up with me, and then blocked me on his phone. And I went all like emotional on him, you know, last night, etc. And went to his house and was like, What’s going on, and I don’t get it, you know, and just didn’t feel it anymore. And didn’t think he could be the guy I needed him to be and all of this. So I was like, okay, and I left and was devastated and was looking for something to help me get through it. But at first looking for something to help me get him back. And that’s when I stumbled upon your program, and started learning.

Chris Seiter 01:39
Okay, so he basically breaks up with you after this vacation, right? And doesn’t just break up with you, he blocks you. On the phone, I couldn’t text him. And then he dropped me on Facebook, and he just dropped me everywhere. I was like, What is going on? It was so odd. That’s intriguing. Okay, I mean, that’s not that’s obviously horrible and everything, but it’s intriguing, because we know where we’re going to kind of end up right. And lately, for some reason, in the community, I’ve noticed a lot of people panicking because they’ve been blocked on the phone. So I feel like your story can help those type of individuals. But so you go and do kind of the typical thing. You go to Google, you go to YouTube, you start searching frantically for how to get your ex back, you somehow stumbled into our ecosystem? Did you stumble into any other ecosystems and try any other programs first? Um, no, I didn’t really try any other programs.

Chris 02:36
I think I think what I liked about your program first is that you had that Facebook group that I could kind of kind of like sit in and kind of hang out and just watch everybody else and kind of what they were doing and then then jump in, you know, what else I liked about your program was the audio. I could listen to your audio books. So I’d be like, you know, getting ready listening to yours for the day listening to your stuff, or in the car driving listening to your program.

Chris Seiter 03:02
It’s kind of cool. Yeah. Did you listen to the podcast at all? Now that you’re on the podcast?

Chris 03:09
Right. Um, actually, I listened to one I think, that wasn’t like, mostly it was the books that I was listening to. And the Facebook group,

Chris Seiter 03:19
for sure. Okay. So you’re kind of one of those those lurkers in the Facebook group that took a while to get your toe. Right, you know, dipped in, but obviously at some point did you dip in did you get like a battle buddy? Did you do I did.

Chris 03:35
I got a battle buddy. She was great. Um, then I actually somebody else latched on to me through the group, and then we became messenger, you know, Facebook Messenger, buddies about it. And so the community is just really great. And being able to tag people on Facebook when you have a question. Yeah, have them answer you right away and help you through it. All of that was key, for sure.

Chris Seiter 04:03
Okay, so obviously, we’re skipping over some important stuff. You’ve, you’ve resolved to get your ex back, you’ve taken the step of getting the program you’re in the community. But you’re blocked. So what is your no contact look like? Do you how do you text him when that that kind of goes about why don’t you take us through that?

Chris 04:25
So um, after I had looked into your program, I was deciding okay, I need to, I need a 30 to 45 day no contact because I lost my emotional control on him. I went to his house. He was still texting me a couple of days after that, but it was very, like blah. After he unblocked me, so he blocked me and then unblocked me the next day.

Chris Seiter 04:51
Okay, so it was kind of a quick unblocking walk you again at any point,

Chris 04:55
um, you know, I don’t remember if he did I know he did. didn’t block me on Facebook. He just unfriended me. And I know from my brief history with him, that he was somebody who checked other people’s Facebook pages, because he was like, Oh, check on the plane home from this vacation. He was like, Oh, check that person out, you know, because I think I’m blocked. And it was just one of our mutual friends or whatever. I was like, okay, so I checked it out. And he was like, oh, there’s always a way to just so I remember him mentioning, there’s always a way to find things out. And I was like, okay, so I knew he would be checking out my Facebook page. Yeah. And he tipped his hand to that too, because at the end of March, and we had broken up at the end of February, when I had just started a new job and inland a huge deal. And I posted about it, and he did reach out a day later and texted me and said, I saw you got a deal. Congratulations. And I was like,

Chris Seiter 05:54
even though you’re not friends on Facebook at this point. Right. Yeah. Just I just heard through the grapevine. Is that is that the whole the whole show?

Chris 06:02
No, I would I just assumed, you know, I was friends with his son’s girlfriend on Facebook still. So I don’t know. You know, he, I guess you could have heard it from her.

Chris Seiter 06:15
But he could have, he could have taken her phone and looked it up just yet. Right?

Chris 06:19
No, I think he, um, I was still open. I didn’t change anything about my Facebook, kind of like your program said, don’t make any huge changes. Leave things the way they are. And my Facebook was never like closed, it was open to friends of friends. And so if his son’s girlfriend was a friend, he had access, and I knew that so I was going to be as big as I could be throughout this whole thing. So you basically are going through the No Contact Rule? Did you struggle at all with that? Absolutely. Because he reached out, you know, he texted me. And I was like, oh, you know, I want it so bad to text him back. I mean, I did goof up at one point, in the very beginning, it was probably two days in. And I just basically said thanks to that text, write about the deal. And then after that, I was like, Alright, I can’t do that anymore. I had to restart. I had to restart the whole nine, no contact thing. And then I was good. But it was hard. I’m glad I had the battle buddy. I had, I’m glad I had the community to fall back on because I could, you know, go on there and say, oh, you know, he texted me and everybody’s like, no, no, don’t text you back. You know?

Chris Seiter 07:43
So. So that’s interesting. You basically said you were kind of doing a 30 This 45 day, no contact. He reaches out to you day two of that you say thanks. You started over from the beginning. Did you end up breaking it again? Or did that support system of the battle buddy or the community kind of helped bring you through that?

Chris 08:05
Yeah, I didn’t break it again. So I was pretty proud of myself at that point.

Chris Seiter 08:09
Okay. Did you what kind of changes do you feel like you made during the no contact?

Chris 08:15
Everything I was, I was bound and determined to get my life in order and to be somebody who would be attractive not only to him, but just anybody. I was still going to go date I decided I needed to date other people, just to kind of distract me. From the whole thing. Was that pretty horrible?

Chris Seiter 08:39
Most people say it’s horrible.

Chris 08:40
To date. It can be I mean, I did. So fast forward, I ended up finding this great guy,

Chris Seiter 08:46
right. But initially afterwards, did you struggle with it? Yeah,

Chris 08:50
I did. I mean, it only took me a month to meet this great guy that I thought was great and start falling for him. But he was also one of those that was kind of off limits, not sure what he wanted. So this whole program helped me you know, kind of keep myself from texting my ex ERP, but also helped me on the other side with being really emotional and having emotional control. And not being pushy. And being very patient on the dating side, too. So okay, great.

Chris Seiter 09:27
So this is interesting. So you’re basically saying you met the new guy, like a month after no contact ended or like right when no contact right when no contact ended?

Chris 09:39
Oh, actually. Actually, I met him. I gotta say I met him probably two weeks after we broke up. So I met him during the no contact phase. And things just maybe started amping up. Okay, as a contact.

Chris Seiter 09:55
Did you like meet him at a work function?

Chris 09:58
No, I met him online. I met him Man online dating to me that was like the, that was the thing that I needed to get over the hump of. Yeah, Guy and it’s so funny, I signed up, like maybe a couple of days after we broke up. I was like, Fine, I guess I’m gonna go back on to dating where I met this guy to, you know, my ex ERP. And then I go on, and the next morning, I’m flipping through and they’re his face pops up. It was just like, dying. I was like, oh, first I was like, devastated. And I’m like, you’ve got to be kidding me. Like, already, you’re on here after, you know, dumped me. So,

Chris Seiter 10:38
but aren’t you on there too?

Chris 10:40
I know. But I wasn’t the dumper. You know, it was kind of like it’s true. It’s kind of like, okay, you dumped me, I guess I have no other alternative and to get back out in the dating pool, but so it was kind of interesting. And I think he blocked me on the dating site, which is fine. But um,

Chris Seiter 10:56
okay, so you eventually are on this dating site, you during no contact, see this new person? Do you immediately start dating him during no contact? Or at least taking him out on dates? Or him taking you out on a date during no contact? Or did that wait until

Chris 11:14
we went on date? We went on a date. We went on a date during no contact.

Chris Seiter 11:20
Okay, that’s interesting. How did that go?

Chris 11:24
It was great. Actually, I was really, so I was really attracted to him. And we hit it off really well. And it’s funny the first day I had with him. I left that date because it was a very impromptu date. Like, it’s like, Can we meet after work today, I really want to meet you because we were texting and doing the whole messaging thing. And so I was like, I guess I can squeeze you in. And I did. And then when I left him, I went to my real date that I had set up with another individual that I did not meet online, he and I were friends and decided to go out on a date. So yeah, I was busy. I can’t busy. I kept myself busy with dating. And I also kept kept myself busy with all of the hobbies that I started. And all of the improvements I was doing in my life. So I was really busy.

Chris Seiter 12:15
Did you post about the date on social media?

Chris 12:19
No, I did not. Well, I did not post about the date I posted about where I was, like going out to dinner. Okay. I posted like a check in.

Chris Seiter 12:31
Yeah, I like that. Yeah. Okay. So no contact ends, you’ve been on a date with this new guy, you are actually feeling like you’re attracted to this new person, which, interestingly enough, Chris. That’s kind of rare. Like most people who come through our program who go on dates actually dread it, they hate the dates. Use first

Chris 12:55
date. Okay, I went on a couple of other dates, which were bombers. And I was like, this sucks.

Chris Seiter 13:03
But you kind of found a winner in the guy. And then how does that look? You come out of no contact? Are you at that place where you’re kind of like confused on if you want your ex back? Or if you just want to go forward with the new guy.

Chris 13:17
Yeah, I was still confused. I mean, if maybe, you know, at the end of a no contact if the guy would have been open to because I did. I did the whole program. I did the reach out for you know, help text, you know, or advice text. And he was he responded, but was very short. And by the way, on his end of the spectrum, he also linked up with another woman not too long after he broke up with me and was still, you know, pursuing her. So I was like, okay, he must be done with me. He’s with this new girl. I’m gonna reach out and see what happens. And he would respond with some help. But then that would be about it. You know, it would be it would kind of end there. I’m

Chris Seiter 14:04
sure that that kind of further push you into the new guys. Yeah.

Chris 14:08
Okay, I guess you’re not. You’re really not that interested. I don’t know. You know, I know you’re still dating that other woman. So I didn’t you know, I didn’t go crazy about it. I guess at that point. It was interesting. I mean, I still want to entertain dating him, he would have asked me out at that point, but he he didn’t you know,

Chris Seiter 14:31
okay, so at some point, or maybe a better question is at what point? Is it like an organic process of getting to this point where you’re like, you know what, I’m gonna put most of my focus on the new guy. Or is it just like after that initial attempt to reach out and almost like his coldness. Did that almost push you into the arms of

Chris 14:52
the new guy? Yeah, I would say it did for sure. It wasn’t like I put all of my energy into the new guy either, because how odd is that? Right? Yeah, I am. And he wasn’t ready either clearly, to be in a committed relationship with Me, either I could tell that. So I was still dating him and still dating other people, even though I knew that I wanted to be with him.

Chris Seiter 15:24
If that makes any sense, yeah, no, I mean, the does. So the new guy. You mentioned a little bit earlier in the interview that you had to use some of the techniques on him. He almost had some avoidant tendencies himself. Can you maybe walk us through that?

Chris 15:42
Sorry, I think the whole social media posting thing was huge again, because he’s, uh, he’s on social media all the time. He still is.

Chris Seiter 15:50
What’s these guys that you’re dating? It’s like, yeah, social media mavens or something like that.

Chris 15:59
Yeah. And I think the new thing now especially on Facebook, or and probably anywhere, but I’m just more on Facebook. These guys throw out these dicasteries nets to ask for all of these friends from their friends groups, to all these different women. I think they sit there and like, go, oh, that she looks cute. She’s with what she knows my friend, I think I’ll send her a friend request. And so I mean, with him I was looking at is the s like cheese? How many new friends can you get in one month, you know, like, 30 different women and guys, too, but it was like she’s, you know, a heck is going on. So I just knew he wasn’t in the mode to be somebody who was in a committed relationship. At that point. He was really still searching and trying to get over his, his breakup, probably his divorce. And, and so I was just going to be patient with him. I was like, okay, you know, I really liked him, but he’s obviously not ready. And I’m just going to keep living my great life and posting about it. And I know he’s on social media all the time. So he would see it, and like it. And you know, even text me commenting about some things. So that’s just kind of how I, I feel like I helped if the program helped me land him too, because I didn’t let myself lose emotional control with him. I was very patient knowing he was fearful avoidant of being in a relationship, especially after all he went through. So I focused on having great times with him, when we had the times I focused on sending those texts that were going to grab his attention, you know, that I learned through your program, and make him laugh or smile or whatever. So I’m building up those moments with them in those times with them to make the relationship stronger that way.

Chris Seiter 17:52
Did you you mentioned you, you sent text messages. And you’re kind of you’re kind of putting some effort into pursuing him. And but you’re mentioning he wasn’t at a place emotionally where he was maybe ready to enter into committed relationship? Did you also start dating other people while you were trying to approach it?

Chris 18:15
I did. I had, I wasn’t intimate with anyone. All right. But I had to start dating just to kind of like, stay open because I didn’t want to fall in that trap of this is the only person who’s going to receive my energy when I’m, I know, I’m not the only person receiving some energy from him. So there had to be that mutual, you know, understanding there, even though that’s not what I wanted. I could tell it clearly wasn’t what he wanted. By

Chris Seiter 18:45
literally what I was gonna ask is, did you notice he him start to chase a bit more when you started doing that?

Chris 18:52
Yes, I mean, chasing in the way that people think is chasing? Maybe not. But I mean, we would, we would have a run of maybe two or three days of texting, or maybe meet up and then two or three days of texting, and then I might not hear from him for two or three weeks even. But he might like something on my Facebook page. And you know, I might like something on his or whatever. But there was no real communication. Maybe for two or three weeks, the old me would have lost my mind would have been like cheese, the weeds come on, you know, we just talked for two or three days. Where are you? The new me was like, I guess you need some space right now. And I’m just going to have to hold out and wait till he responds to me or until something happens in my life. That’s so fun and funny that I want to share with him. That’s going to make him reach back out to me. So I did those things.

Chris Seiter 19:44
Okay, I mean, it seems like you’re doing you’re like holding your boundary. Perfect. Right? So not to jump in between the two guys, but you’ve gotten pretty far down the road with a new guy and you’re kind of slowly getting closer and closer. Did you Do did you kind of like what’s happening with the with the exit this point did? Is he starting to kind of re pursue you? Or is it still radio silence for him? No,

Chris 20:10
there were probably three or four months of maybe radio silence from him. And then all of a sudden, it was like, boom, text out of nowhere. Just checking to see how you’re doing. I haven’t talked to you in a while. You know, even wanted to meet me out for coffee. You know,

Chris Seiter 20:28
I started kicking in. Yeah, I agreed

Chris 20:31
to meet him out for coffee, because I thought to myself, you know, maybe he needs? Yeah, maybe he needs closure. I mean, I really, at that point, I was so into the new guy, I was thinking, you know, I don’t think I could go back to that. That guy, you know,

Chris Seiter 20:45
oh, that’s music to my ears. Because it probably worked. So so like, how did the meeting go when you did meet him for coffee,

Chris 20:53
and met him out for coffee. And I, you know, in my mind, again, I thought maybe he just needs closure. Like maybe he thinks he was really awful person to me. And he just needs closure, and he just needs to hear that I’m okay, and see that I’m okay. And, and we could still be friendly, whatever and call it call it a day. But we met out for coffee. And he started dropping hints that you know, he had made a mistake. And he was just afraid at the time and didn’t think he could do be the guy I needed him to be like he said, and he really looks back and knows that I was the best match for him. Even though again, I think he’s still dating this other girl at this point. So well, what’s going on? I thought you were dating someone? And he said, Yeah, I think she’s going through a lot of issues. And I don’t know that she’s the one for me, and

Chris Seiter 21:47
rest isn’t so green on that other side.

Chris 21:53
So I mean, it’s interesting, the whole timing of it. Because if he would have done that, I don’t know, three or four months prior, I probably would have taken him right back. Yeah, I would have said, well, let’s give it another shot then. But where I was at that moment, I was very secure and telling him you know, I’m sorry that this all happened. There’s no hard feelings on my end. But I’ve already, you know, into the start of another relationship with someone else that I care about very much. And, and I did tell him, I said, Well, you deserve the best. So I mean, I would hold out for the best if you don’t think you’re getting it. And that’s all I said. And, you know, we hug goodbye and went on our separate ways. And I thought we were done. But no, since that coffee meeting, I’ve probably gotten a text from him every month. Since then,

Chris Seiter 22:46
try it again. Try it again. Try it again.

Chris 22:49
And the last one amazing, I posted my most recent one on your page. That’s what

Chris Seiter 22:54
what prompted my wife to get to get the interview to get

Chris 22:59
on the group page. But the one right before that, you know, he had reached out to me about some pictures, he saw that I posted and said You look great and all of this and I was like Okay, thank you. But so he posted he sent me a text he was he was on vacation in Costa Rica with his new girlfriend. And, and some other friends too. But I was like, how can you text me from your vacation? With your new girlfriend, your new girlfriend, you’re texting me? And it wasn’t anything? I guess overtly flirtatious. But it was, you know, I was talking to his friend there who lives there about you. And just wanted to say hi, you know that I was thinking about you? And I said, Oh, that’s great. I’m glad you to her. Okay. Now, you know, or because they had a little tiff going when I had known him before. And it was just I don’t know, it’s just weird to me. I’m like, seriously still. So I don’t know. I don’t I I feel for this other girl.

Chris Seiter 24:01
That she’s kind of getting the short end of the stick. He’s not fully in.

Chris 24:05
Right. And they’re even building a house together. I saw I saw on Facebook. So yeah, I don’t I don’t I think maybe even the next time. I’m just going to say, you know, I think you should concentrate on your relationship. And, you know,

Chris Seiter 24:23
probably for the best. I mean, yeah, yeah, sorry. Sorry. No, I think in a weird way, you’re just kind of getting a glimpse of what life would have been like if you had gotten back? Absolutely. It’s kind of alarming to see that he’s hitting up with the girls while he’s really heavily invested into this new person.

Chris 24:46
And I want to ask him that almost. I want to say, you know, were you doing this when we were dating three months because that’s not cool. You know?

Chris Seiter 24:55
What is I’ve been doing this for 10 years. So I’ve been able to To study breakups and relationships, and specifically post breakup behavior, and specifically, when someone moves on to someone else, and enters into this really tense relationship with them, or intense relationship with them, how often they end up coming back to the x. And you know, I’ll never forget my wife, right? When we got married. One of her co workers who was married, started messaging her on Facebook Messenger to try to ask her out on a date. And she’s like, aren’t you married? So it’s, it’s really indicative of this concept that I talk a lot about, which is that investment aspect, you know, like, sometimes if you’ve invested a lot into a relationship, even if you’re unhappy with it, you can’t bring yourself to leave it. And so you mentioned that they’re building a house together. I’m wondering if that, you know, obviously, that requires a certain amount of financial investment. And that kind of gets him sticking. But he’s he, I mean, people who are happy don’t typically reach out to the Rex is found, you know, and he is a lot every month. That’s right. So in a weird way, you you kind of dodged a bullet, and looks like you got the guy that’s treating you correctly. How’s that going?

Chris 26:30
It’s going good.

Chris Seiter 26:32
We kind of skipped over that part. How did you how did you get the guy

Chris 26:36
I finally got the guy again, just by being patient. And Og, I think he was in a place where he wasn’t ready to commit for all for probably about six months. And at that time, he probably wouldn’t have committed either. Had we not had a kind of enlightened, enlightening event happen. And I say that the universe was kind of working in my favor, even though at the time it didn’t feel like it. You know, I was on probably on Facebook and hit a button I shouldn’t have because I was, you know, one of those that scrolls on Facebook on my phone a lot. And so I got a text from him one day, and he said, question, and I said, Yes. And again, this is when we weren’t talking every day. And I said yes. And he said, one of my Facebook friends says You sent her a friend request. And I said, I did. I said, I don’t know who that is. And he gave me her name. And I was like, I don’t know who she is. So then I went on my Facebook on my computer to see you know, what friend requests I had sent. And then there it was. And I was like, Oh, I didn’t mean to do that. I said, I really didn’t mean to do that. I said she must have come up in my suggested friends as I was scrolling and I accidentally hit the button or whatever. I don’t know, I still don’t know. To this day, I really think it was the universe intervening, intervening on my behalf or our behalf. Because then this girl started to message me. And I was and I had texted him that I said, Oh, great. Now she’s reaching out to me. And he’s she Do

Chris Seiter 28:18
you know who this girl is to him? Like,

Chris 28:20
No, I didn’t know anything at all. Like I said, he was he was one of those guys who probably added 3040 Girls a month. So I had no idea who she was. And out of out of 1000s of Facebook friends. This is the one that I you know, hit the button on right? wishes he has like over 1000 or 2000 Facebook friends. So right away, I tell him this that she’s messaging me, I go, Oh, great. Now she’s messaging me. And he knows right away. I went on a date with her a few weeks ago. And I was like, really? And he was like, Yes, just one date. And I said, why? And he said, because of not knowing what I want. And he had expressed that to me, or, you know, before. He was honest with me about where he was. And I said, Well, I and I told him, I said, Well, I’m really upset right now. I don’t know if I can talk about this right now. I said, but if you are still searching, and you don’t know what you want, then it’s obviously not me. And that’s okay. And then I went, I said, you know, we just need some space right now. And he agreed, and then we had no contact.

Chris Seiter 29:37
So essentially, what you did is you did almost like a breakup with him.

Chris 29:43
Right? Right. So I had so I decided we needed no contact for a while to think about things and where things were and for me to get my head on straight. I knew I still wanted to be with him. Even though this happened because, again, we weren’t in a committed relationship. He was very upfront with me about where he was. I knew still, I still wanted to be with him. But I knew I couldn’t continue on this path of not knowing anymore. You know what I mean? So we did, we went on this no contact for a couple of weeks. And then I after two weeks, I just sent all the while he was still liking things on my Facebook page, by the way. And I was not responding. And, and he did ask me a question. And one of my Facebook posts, like, how did you do it was golfing? And I said, fine. And then that was it, you know, so I wasn’t, I wasn’t kind of feeding into all of it, I was still trying to stay kind of low key about everything. And then after two weeks, I had texted him, you know, just checking to see how you’re doing. And that was all he needed to say, Hey, I’m doing great. You know, I saw your project you’re working on on Facebook? Um, can I give you it? Can we talk about it? Can I help you with it? And I was like, I mean, I guess Sure. If you want to help me with it, that’d be great. Because Okay, how about if we meet after work? It was like, the next day after work you wanted to meet? And talk about this project? And then we did. And then we talked, we had a really good talk about. I mean, we’re probably saw each other for three hours talking about, okay, what are we doing? Are we going to try this? Are we going to move forward with this? So, um, you know, it worked. It worked out for the moment, you know? Yeah. So,

Chris Seiter 31:38
do you do? Like, how did the actual relationship ask go down? Was it him than initiative? Was it you that initiated,

Chris 31:48
um, he was initiating when he was talking about his feelings about everything he had told me that he had missed me. And he had told me and I didn’t, in my wildest dreams, never thought I’d hear that he missed me. Even though I knew he did. I knew he, he missed me, but I didn’t think I would hear it from him. And, and that he was sorry about everything. And that, you know, he didn’t want to not have me in his life. So I was really again, not putting my foot down looking for a, Hey, are we going to be committed then kind of conversation? What I did is I just accepted what he had to say. And then I also said to him, you know, I have to apologize to you told me that you weren’t ready for something. And, you know, so it was upsetting to me to find out that you had went on a date, but I really had no right to, you know, I guess be upset about that. So I was really under a lot of emotional control, which is programmed taught me, you know, and, and when you’re when you really want to be with somebody who’s in that position, you know, a fearful avoidant, who’s afraid to kind of put their heart back out there, because of their past. I guess you have to be prepared for all of that. So. Um, so then it wasn’t until maybe three days later, or four days later, when we saw each other that he wanted, he was kind of pushing for intimacy. And I was like, Yeah, I don’t know, I’m not going to do that. Because I don’t know where you are. And I don’t, I’m not going to do that with someone until I know that they’re, I’m the only one suing perfect.

Chris Seiter 33:36
How do you respond to that? Did he commit to that?

Chris 33:39
Yeah. And then he knew he was like, you have all of my attention. I am not going to be dating anyone else. I’m not going to be pursuing anyone else. And I was like, great. Now we have now we’ve got something so good. So that was a long road. You know, that was? I met him in late February. And that was that was August. You know,

Chris Seiter 34:01
you mentioned he had gone through a divorce was that a relatively recent divorce?

Chris 34:07
Um, he had been officially divorced for about a year was broken. I mean, separated for probably three years prior.

Chris Seiter 34:16
Okay, so things were not going well between those two, but I’m sure that creates some sort of like wound or scar. Oh, yeah.

Chris 34:23
And I think honestly, I think guys are more scarred than women. When it comes to broken relationships.

Chris Seiter 34:29
Statistically, you’re correct, actually, that one of the big differences between men and women after breakups is women tend to struggle with it more initially, but over the long run, they tend to get over it more fully. Whereas men tend to not struggle as much initially, but they really have a hard time getting over it in the long run. So statistically, you’re correct.

Chris 34:52
That’s been my experience anyway. But yeah, Fast Forward August to today, we still went through some some things but met his family more involved in each other’s lives. Now we talk to each other every day. You know, but we had another bump in the road, maybe, you know, six months at well, and that’s six months, maybe five months after that, where I had to talk to him about Facebook, you know, like opening up his stop

Chris Seiter 35:25
adding these people.

Chris 35:26
Yeah, stop. I don’t want to see any more. I mean, I couldn’t see the people because he had closed off his friends list after that happened. I think he didn’t want things to happen. You know, me to hit on suggested friend requests, and you know, any of that happening, any other women may be seeing me or seeing that He’s liking my stuff or whatever. So I had to have that talk with them. You know, like, okay, it’s been six months, like, when? When are you going to open up your friends list and open up your Facebook to me, I said, I could see people who like your, your posts, and who are they like, Who is this girl? Page and said, like, Who is she? Like, do you want to date her? Like, who is she? Do you want to date her? And he was just like, looking at me dumbfounded because I didn’t think they meant anything to him. I honestly didn’t. I almost feel like it was just like a buffer between really committing and committing, you know? Yeah. And right away. He was like, I don’t I don’t know. I guess he said I, okay, I need to clean up my Facebook. I apologize. I’ll open up my Facebook page. I didn’t realize it was still closed. I it didn’t really didn’t think about it. And I said, well, it bothers me. And this bothers me. And so when I left his house, which was funny, I just left his house and he was texting me when I was still in his driveway. Are we okay? And I’m like, Yeah, we’re fine. We’re fine. He says, Well, this means a lot to me, You mean a lot to me. So I’m gonna go ahead and do all of these things. And he did. And he has, and nothing’s in, Everything’s been great since that point on.

Chris Seiter 37:03
Well, that’s what they actually recommend the when it comes to relationships is bringing a problem to the forefront as opposed to letting it fester. So if you sense a worry, or something, maybe within reason, some people I know will go overboard with that. But I think he did the exact right thing, which is like that was bothering you, you bring it to the forefront, allow him to address it. And he did. And now you’re good.

Chris 37:27
And I had honestly, it had been bothering me for a while. But again, I was just like, You know what, I’m gonna let him handle this. If he wants to be with me, then he needs to handle this. I don’t even know that I want to bring it up. Because I don’t want to look like the insecure, you know, girlfriend who’s now like, looking at everything he’s doing on Facebook. But um, I guess at that point, I was just like, done, like, I was like, okay, and my friend had just gone through a similar issue with her boyfriend, they went up and down and, you know, broke up and got back together over this whole thing. And I just said, You know what, I’m a little tense about this given my girlfriend’s situation. So maybe that’s making me a little ultra sensitive about this, but it’s bothering me. And then it was like, no problem. I will delete, and he went through and deleted a ton of women. Right? And, and open his friends list to me. And it’s been like I said, since then, that it’s been great. And I think we’ve been talking about a lot of things together since then. So it kind of opened the door to more intimacy like emotional intimacy, and a better relationship.

Chris Seiter 38:37
It meanwhile, the ex is still texting me every month, like clockwork.

Chris 38:44
Yeah. And I, you know, I don’t feel. I mean, I feel bad for the other woman. I really do feel like next text, I have to say something. Yeah, I don’t feel like I’m being disrespectful to my boyfriend now. Because I know how I feel about it. It’s not anything to worry anybody over or to even mention, you know what I mean? Yeah. If he asked, it would certainly tell him but he’s just he’s not an insecure guy about that at all. So yeah, I think that’s what I have to do about that. But it made me laugh because I’m like, this program really does work and and they will come back if you just start improving yourself and showing that you’re okay. I think that’s that’s what they need to see is like, Oh, she’s okay. She must be very stable. And I think in this, this dating world where there are tons of unstable people, unfortunately, and people who haven’t healed from past hurts, whether they’re relationships or childhood or whatever. You know, that’s like the gold. That’s like a gold standard out there to have your shit together. I’m sorry. I can’t swear.

Chris Seiter 39:54
I think we’ll be okay

Chris 39:56
to have your you know your life together. tend to be well put together and in charge of yourself. That’s, that’s Ultra attractive. because not a lot of people are there. So that’s where this, this program really helps whether you get the ex back or not. Because you might not want to back like I didn’t, this program really causes you to look at your own life and take inventory and make yourself better make yourself into that, that ug, you know, a person and and so if you don’t get that guy back, who cares? Look, you’ll get something better. You know,

Chris Seiter 40:39
I think that’s sort of the long pole in the tent. Most people don’t realize, most people come and they think they want their ex back. But I don’t think that’s what they really want. They want a really healthy, happy relationship. Like, like you found. And the weird, roundabout way of getting that is oftentimes you have to be willing to let the X go. And then that’s when things start happening for you. And I think you kind of are a perfect example of that. You know, like, I’m sure you you go to the outset of the breakup. You’re sitting there thinking, There’s no way he’s blocked me he’ll even contact there’s no way he’ll ever want me back. Now fast forward a year, you’ve moved on. All of a sudden, what’s happening, he’s starting to reach out even when he’s supposedly in a very committed relationship with someone else, which I think says more about him than anything else. But if you want my ultimate opinion, I think like, you’re just getting a glimpse of what probably life would have been like, had you gotten back with that person.

Chris 41:45
I feel like I dodged a bullet for sure.

Chris Seiter 41:48
Yeah. And there’s, I was reading a study yesterday about people, scientists, they’ve been looking at the effects of getting back with an axe and have found often that not necessarily getting back with an axe in general. But getting back with an axe, where there’s an on again, off again, type situation going on, they found that that tends to make people not only more anxious, but more depressed. And it’s a huge problem that, that I’ve found with helping people get their exes back, because a lot of times they break up again. And as this leaves the person to even to a darker, deeper depression. So a lot of times, maybe a couple of years ago, I started switching to like, Hey, I think the important thing here is to let go of your ex because not only does it help you get them back, but you might find, you know, the happy ending that you stumbled across. Right. So completely. So you obviously kind of just slayed your life and got pretty much everything you wanted. Do you have any extra things that you feel like we’re really helpful and important for you during the during the breakup process?

Chris 43:06
You know, like I said, I just kept busy, I made new friendships, new girlfriends started, you know, concentrating on that my girlfriend started concentrating on my, my life, my work, my you know, extracurricular activities, things that I’ve always wanted to do that I never did before. So I learned how to, to go shooting, shooting a rifle. I’m actually starting my first competition this Sunday. So good luck. I’m excited about that. I know, that’s kind of controversial for some people, but just target shooting. I

Chris Seiter 43:51
grew up in Texas, you know, everyone hasn’t gotten there. So yeah,

Chris 43:56
it’s just it was just, it’s just a fun competition to hit targets and, and some I’m challenging myself that way but, and did some art classes, took some music courses, I mean, just stuff like that. Like, I feel like I’m a more well rounded person. I don’t mention my kids, but I was able to delve into their lives a little bit more to and not worry about outcomes so much, you know, and I’m showing them what you can do, you know, it’s like you’re at the end of your relationship, you don’t have to fall apart, you know, when you can right,

Chris Seiter 44:32
start new setting the right example. Right.

Chris 44:35
So, um, I think all of those things were, you know, and, and reading as much as you can about it, you know, learning how to do those, and learning how to respond when your emotional control is running, you know, running low and knowing that you’re going to have that issue and what you should do when you when you feel it coming up. Um, I mean, that was huge for me, for me to be I am not a patient person at all. I want things to happen now I want my life to happen. Now. That’s been my entire life. And then this happened. And then meeting this fearful avoidant man who I knew I was, I wanted to be in a relationship with having to force myself to be patient. And to you know, my needs are going to take a backseat for a minute. I mean, they really didn’t, my needs in a relationship, maybe took a backseat. But then my other needs got said, No, while I was waiting, waiting for that to happen, and concentrating on just being that fun, well rounded individual, so that the other person had those experiences with me, my new boyfriend, had those fun experiences with me and didn’t want me to go, didn’t want me to leave it because he didn’t feel like I was reliant on him for everything. But knew that when we were together, we just had this awesome time and connection together. I love that.

Chris Seiter 46:06
Yeah, you know, thank you so much for coming on and doing this.

Chris 46:09
Yeah. Thank you for the program. I’m so glad that I found it. Really, I still need to, even though I’m in this great relationship, I still follow the program. I still, you know, when he gets busy, like I haven’t seen him all week, we still talk every day, but I still manage to find things to do where I’m not, you know, reliant on that. And even tonight, it was like we were, he was saying I have so much to do to get ready for, you know, work that he has to do on Saturday. And I said, Well, you know what, it’s Don’t be pressured and don’t feel pressured. We don’t have to see each other. You know, Friday night, you can do what you need to do and I’ll do what I need to do and I’ll just catch up with you Saturday night. That was all you needed to hear to maybe Calm, calm himself down and say no, I want to see you on Friday. So we’re going to make it work. I love you when you pull back, they move forward. You know what I mean? Yeah,

Chris Seiter 47:04
that’s what we always say when they pull back you pull back and that’s kind of If you abide by that you tend to get the positive results. Right. But again, thank you so much for doing this awesome name. Chris. The two pieces having a super cool conversation. We haven’t met a crispy haven’t liked yet. Right? Exactly right.

Chris 47:25
There. Thank you, Chris. I really appreciate it. Thanks for what you do. No problem.

The post Success Story: How This Woman Got Her Ex Back After He Blocked Her (And Then Decided She Deserved Better) first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I had the pleasure of interviewing Nina. A woman fresh of getting her ex back. What’s really interesting about her situation is that she ended up using our program to get not one but two of her exes back.

Believe it or not this isn’t uncommon.

Sometimes we’ll have someone come through our program and either succeed or fail, ultimately move on and then years later they’ll come back into our orbit after they’ve gone through another breakup.

But what really struck me about Nina was just how patient she was throughout the whole process.

In this interview you’re going to learn,

• Nina’s story with her first ex
• Nina’s story with her second ex
• Ultimately what she believes the optimum way to get an ex back is
• Being wary of this idea of immediately wanting to fix things
• How she got through the holidays
• Letting the universe dictate your texting reach outs
• Looking at if her ex had the grass is greener syndrome
• Pinpointing exactly how long it took to get her ex back

Let’s dive in!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizInterview TranscriptChris Seiter 00:02
Okay, today we have a another success story with a really interesting woman named Nina, who not only, I mean, you originally came on here to tell me about the 1x, you came back, but then I get on here, you’re telling me you actually use the program years ago to get another ex back. So we kind of got to to one special here. But thank you for doing this.

Nina 00:25
Yes, of course, happy to be here. So I’m not sure Should I just start from like, the first year, I’ll try to make,

Chris Seiter 00:32
it was literally about to ask you like, how should we tackle this? I think maybe just going back to the very beginning with the very first success story, and then kind of taking us through that first.

Nina 00:44
So my first ERP, we dated for like, a year and a half, and things were great. And then out of nowhere, he kind of had like a commitment issue. He freaked out a little bit on me. And what space?

Chris Seiter 00:56
Hmm, how long did you?

Nina 00:59
Yeah, or like a year and a half? Okay.

Chris Seiter 01:04
What space after a year and a half?

Nina 01:06
Yeah. And then like, like a year and six months. And then he got a little bit scared of a commitment. He needed time for himself and his hobbies. He’s just like those guys that have a million things going on at once. And he had space. And he kind of wanted a break. And I said, I don’t do breaks, you’re either in or you’re out. So I was pretty determined in that sense. I’m not going to stand in limbo. So he said, Well, I need space. And I said, Okay, we’re done. I was a little drastic. And he freaked out a little bit on me. But we still broke, we broke up. And I didn’t, but I still obviously loved him. I didn’t want to end things. But I wanted him to be sure. So that’s when I looked online ways to get your boyfriend back. And then that’s how I found ERP. But I didn’t join the group or anything. I just listened to the podcast. And I found out about NC, no contact and this whole process of working on yourself and giving it space, the situation the relationship him. So I follow through it. I did 30 days. But the thing is that he reached out to me, like consistently, he would text me he would call me well, he didn’t call me right away, he would just text. And I wanted to respond. But the program said not to. So I didn’t. And it was hard because he was pursuing me a lot. Like I want to talk I want to know how you’re feeling I miss you. I didn’t want to break up I wanted to break. But I stuck to no contact. And then after 30 days, he called me. And I didn’t pick up. Because I mean I still wanted to do more. I didn’t just want to call it wasn’t gonna be that easy. And then he sent me a message saying, Hey, can you pick up the phone? Because I want to get together with you to talk because I want to get back with you. It was very straightforward. So I was like, Okay, that was fine. I can I can Yeah. Right. And it was, I mean, he pursued me for like a month. And I was like, Well, okay, so I gave in, we talked it out. When we got back together, then COVID happened, and we realized we weren’t a good match. So we broke up and I didn’t pursue him anymore, but it worked the first time.

Chris Seiter 03:04
So basically, what you’re telling me is all you really did was a 30 day No Contact Rule. And that Yeah, didn’t come back. Yeah, that’s amazing. But

Nina 03:13
yeah, but the thing is that usually people don’t do no contact, like it’s it’s easy to fall back into the Oh, okay. Let’s talk about it again. And again. What like, what did we do wrong? How can we fix it like, it’s normal, everyone wants to talk it out and see if you can figure it out by talking more about it. But sometimes you don’t have to talk, you have to let the other person figure out what they want on their own. So I’m definitely a fixer. Like, if problems happen, I want to talk about it. And I want to fix it now. But no contact forced me to let him really make up his mind. And he did. So it worked. So then, two years later, I have my current ERP. And the relationship was very healthy. I’m from South America, and he’s also from a neighboring country in South America. So we have the Latin American culture in the sense that we speak Spanglish to each other and it’s great. And then we reached the year we had a very healthy relationship, no really big problems. And he freaked out another one with commitment issues, which I seem to pick without realizing

Chris Seiter 04:19
was there was there like Okay, so this is interesting to me. You have two guys, both of what you got back, both of which are starting to pull back around the same time, you know, like a year and a half of the first one a year. Yeah. Second one. Was there. Like, were you trying to push for a bigger commitment, like moving in together getting married? Things like that? Oh, actually,

Nina 04:40
not at all. I am old now. I don’t know if it’s relevant. I’m 31 back with my other europei I was 2827. But I never really pursued any type of bigger commitment. Obviously, I would like to get married at one at some point, but I was never pushing for that or living together. I’ve always been very independent. But I think, I don’t know, maybe they can sense that I’m more ready in a way. That’s what, that’s what my europei from now told me. That’s why he’s kind of

Chris Seiter 05:08
like it was just like a inherent feeling that like, Oh, she’s more ready two years. Okay. 2129 You said you’re 31? I’m 31

Nina 05:20
I mean, there’s still a big difference. I felt different at 29.

Chris Seiter 05:24
I mean, when I turned 30, my whole body broke down. So that’s how I knew I was.

Nina 05:29
One has to go to bed at 1030. And I’m already hungover the next day. It’s It’s terrible. Yeah.

Chris Seiter 05:36
But okay, so commitment issues from the current ex boyfriend. Does he immediately break up with you? How does that work? You said, You’re a fixer.

Nina 05:47
Weird, because last last year, which is our main year together, we traveled to Europe two times I went to visit his country two times, he came to visit mine. And we both live in New York. So it was it was big moves. And we were always great visiting each other and like, it was never a problem. And then last year around like Halloween, he told me he wanted to go to go back home to his country for the summer as in like our winter because he’s remote and I’m not. And he’s like, I want to go back and work there. And I said, Well, I can’t because I’m not remote anymore. And he said, Okay, well, I’m gonna go. And I was like, What? What do you mean, you used to have you bought a ticket, or you just bought a ticket so clearly had

Chris Seiter 06:28
been on his mind without not assaulting you at all just kind of sprung it? Yep.

Nina 06:32
He’s like, I’m gonna go to Argentina. Oops, the country, whatever.

Chris Seiter 06:36
You do Latin American country. Well, yeah, we’ll have to tag this. Yeah. I told you, I told you need to happen. Well, so

Nina 06:50
he got a ticket. I was in shock. And I was angry. I because he did this out of nowhere. I was like, You should discuss this for a couple. And then he’s like, Yeah, about that. I feel like you’re in a different stage in your life you want, I feel that you are ready. And if things go well, in a few years, you would expect the ring or marriage. And I’m not ready for that. I always imagined myself settling down at 38, which would mean I’m 40. And yeah, I was like, what, and I never discussed this. And he’s like, and I’m just scared because I feel like you’re ready. And I just I’m not I’m not ready to plan my life of someone. I just want to do what I want to do. I was like, Okay, why didn’t you ever tell me this before? He’s like, I don’t know. I never really realized until now, because I don’t know. It just all. It was little things that just kept packing up until he just exploded and he bought a ticket home. And he’s like, I’m leaving in two weeks. And I was like, wow. And he’s like, I have doubts. And I said, Okay, well, I mean, I was shocked. I really thought this was it for me. Because we had a very healthy relationship. And I went, I remember reading back in ERP, I was like, you don’t nag you accept that? And I said, Okay, you want to go you have doubts. You can go, obviously, it was really hard. We cried. We both sad because he was still like, I love you. But I have so many doubts. And I feel like I can’t be with someone when I have doubts. It was hard. And so we were still together for those two weeks. It was weird and miserable, because I would have like crying attacks randomly during the day. And then the data he left we say goodbye. And that was it. And I stuck to no contact. But days again to reach out. Which he didn’t at all. Ah,

Chris Seiter 08:23
so you did it. Was it a 30 day no contact that you did?

Nina 08:27
30 days? Yes.

Chris Seiter 08:29
30 days. Okay, but this time, like the very first X, he did not reach out at all

Nina 08:34
at all zero. So I was like, wow, does this mean something so I was comparing I couldn’t help it. Because I had done this before. But the other guy was texting me and texting calling. And this one was zero, like nothing. So it freaked me out a little bit. But I was like, It’s okay. I don’t I don’t know what he’s doing. It’s fine. It’s better with no contact is figuring himself out. He told me he was gonna get therapy. I was like, Okay, maybe you will maybe it’s all talk, but I had a little bit of hope. So yeah, the first 30 Days came by, and well, this aro is going to be a little bit related to it’s gonna give me a way. But whatever, it’s fine. So, um, the thing is that for the for the 30 days that ended it was the World Cup. And his and I had like a bet.

Chris Seiter 09:25
One of the team was in, in that world cup. Not saying any zoom. Yeah, as a fan feeling. What are the two teams?

Nina 09:35
Yeah, one of the two teams, I was like, if his team wins, I’m going to text them because it matches the time. Yeah. And I’ll just say like, congratulations, because he’s a big soccer player. He’s like diehard fans. So yeah, it’s gonna be important for him. So his team won. I’m not saying who it is, but you know,

Chris Seiter 09:52
yeah. Or what stage of The World Cup it could have been early stage or late stage. We don’t know. You know,

Nina 09:58
we don’t know. So whatever the point is that they want his team, and I reached out, and he was like, wow, I he said, I was hoping that you would text me today. It’s one of the happiest days of my life. And now all I could do was think of you I was expecting that positivity. I was shocked. We hadn’t spoken in 30 days, I was like screaming in my room. I was like, wow, I would never have expected that. And I just responded like, I hope you have a great day celebrating with your country. So that’s it done. But yeah, that was my first row. I didn’t want to do another one. So soon, because I knew that he would be gone in this country for like four months. And I didn’t want to pressure. I was like, I know he’s very set on his ideas I didn’t want to be chasing around them. 30 days seemed like too little to start, like building rapport and start talking to each other. So then the holidays came, and it was hard because I was I knew he wouldn’t reach out, but I had a little bit of hope. Or you didn’t. I was miserable Christmas to reach out. New Year’s he didn’t either. It was so sad. I remember texting the Facebook group. And I was like, I’m so miserable like I’m but it helps you know that the Facebook group helps so much. I think that’s what got me through it. Besides your podcasts, which I would listen to, at first, the first few weeks, like non stop in my work, because I needed someone to talk me through it. Yeah.

Chris Seiter 11:22
So they know who you are a full circle, listen

Nina 11:24
to music. Yeah, you can’t listen to music. I can’t listen to anything else. So I just needed someone to talk to me about like, getting over this or what he’s thinking. So the products was the first step and then the face. And then in January, I went home for a little bit for like two weeks. And I thought okay, now I’m going to do my second Auro. And since we had visited this place in my country with him, I decided to send them some photos.

Chris Seiter 11:50
That’s a good move. I like that one. Yeah,

Nina 11:52
I know, I know, the first reached outs are supposed to be about like advice or something like that. But I didn’t want to go there because I thought it felt a little

Chris Seiter 12:01
personalized in your situation. So the first one is like the diehard fandom, which like, okay, so I’ll try not to put the teaching hat on here too much. But basically, like, one of the tenants of like the first reach outs is always engaging them in an interest that they have. And you kind of did right? You did that right moment when he was at a high point. And then the second reach out seems to be more of an emotional nature type text. Yep, I’m assuming like, the pictures were places you and him went together and had good memories. Yeah. Or,

Nina 12:34
like, for us, it was like blueberries because he loves blueberries. And we want them to like the last time so I sent them a photo of the blueberries. And I was like, Look what I found on news like wow, like, it’s unbelievable. He always responded very fast, which I liked. And it was very engaging, asking me questions, like, I tried to keep it short. Like, look how beautiful and you’d be like, how are you how’s your family how’s work. And I would just, you know, put a stop to it. And it was hard because I didn’t want to talk. But I remember about having to do an accent. So after a few exchanges, I’d be like, Well, I’m gonna go to the lake. I have no signal by and then I just put my phone in airplane mode.

Chris Seiter 13:11
Oh, that’s amazing. You know, the one thing that’s already striking me is really interesting about your situation is you are really patient. And that is a rare, rare thing in in this kind of an industry because most people are really anxious, driven. But you actually had the patience to wait until the right moment to text him. And then when you did get him and things were going well, you did the one thing that’s probably the hardest thing is as the end the conversation when it was kind of at that point, and it seems like you did

Nina 13:44
it is it’s hard. The thing is that for me, I know a lot of people were stressing out about NC and do we say that in a Facebook group? But I don’t, I don’t. So I didn’t suffer through that. For me. The anxiety points were texting him. I hated it. I hated texting because I didn’t know if he would respond. I hated being at his mercy. Like, what if he does

Chris Seiter 14:05
not? Control? Exactly.

Nina 14:07
So for me, no contact was easy. I’m like, Oh, I’m ignoring him. I mean, I’m in power. And then the second that I had to reach out every time I felt that was losing control. So I hated the anxiety that I felt I wanted to cry every time I would text him.

Chris Seiter 14:21
You know what’s really, you know, what’s really interesting about that, what you just said is that in my experience, it’s an either or type situation. You either get a client that struggles mightily with no contact but kills it at texting, or you get the client that kills it at the No Contact Rule but really struggles with texting. I’ve never seen someone that that thrives at both. It’s it’s like an either or type thing. Oh, thanks. So you’re the No Contact queen. Not so much. The texting thing was hard.

Nina 14:53
I mean, let me tell you i was really putting in the work though. I was like, Oh, I have therapy. I also was doing meditation. And I was like, do breathing exercises before I texted him, I’m like, You’re gonna be okay. Even if he doesn’t respond, like, whatever, like I would play scenarios in my head, I’d be like, okay, even if it takes three hours, what are we gonna do? We’re gonna freak out? No. So I was really like putting in the work, to not get overwhelmed like, and it wasn’t easy. It wasn’t just

Chris Seiter 15:17
hard to do, though, like, like you say, as if it’s a flip thing. But when you’re in that anxious stage, and it’s like, your your mind is sometimes your own worst enemy, because you start like, oh, he doesn’t text right away. Is he with a girl as he would this is this is not happening. And it freaks you out. So it’s really, I mean, kudos to you for keeping calm during the during those that time.

Nina 15:40
And I was, I was still having a bad time, that adrenaline rush and feeling sick, you would take an hour to respond. I’m like, wow, I’m really not a priority. We we have 30 days, and it’s still not respond like, wow, it hurt. And I was miserable. After every reach out. Even when it was positive, it would still open up like the breakup. So it’s still hurt. It wasn’t easy. Yeah. But um, but yeah, I did like the second reach out while I was home. And I know that I have to start closing the gap. But I still didn’t feel that it was natural. So I was kind of playing it by ear. I was like, whenever I have good content to ask him, or to make our reach out, I’ll do it. I’m not gonna force it. And then another week went

Chris Seiter 16:16
by I was smart. Yeah, I love that. Yeah. Do you want to keep going?

Nina 16:19
Like, yeah, no, it’s all good. So then another week went by and I was so home. And then I had another content that I could I send them another photo I made I we used to make pies last time that we went into like DME into summer. So I made a pie and I send them a photo. I was like, Oh, look, look at this. And he was like, wow, like, that looks amazing. And then that was like my third reach out. And then after we did a couple exchange, he would always say like, it’s really good to hear from you. And I was like, great, like, why don’t you? I mean, I didn’t ask that. But

Chris Seiter 16:50
I was like, why aren’t you reaching out to me? Dope cup, like, Yeah, I

Nina 16:54
mean, I did ask him later on. So I do have an answer for that. That’s good. But um, but then that was my third reach out in early January. And then I was like, Okay, I’m not gonna reach out again. I just feel dumb. Like, he can reach out but, but I needed I needed a break from the anxiety of texting him. And also I was back in New York, and I had no nothing to talk to him about. I felt like I was good. So I waited and I did another no contact with like, 45 days. Super easy again. I was like, Oh, I was chillin. I was so used to not texting him. I was like, This is great. I was sad. But I mean, time was passed out enough that I wasn’t like, completely miserable. I would get a little bit sad sometimes, but it wasn’t terrible. And then after 45 days, mid February, let me think i

Chris Seiter 17:40
Were you part of the Facebook Lives that I did. I feel like

Nina 17:43
yeah, I was sometimes. Okay, good.

Chris Seiter 17:47
I’m like, I know, you’re like, I was just like, trying to think like, your situation. sounds so familiar. Like the second period of no contact is what triggered it for me. Sorry.

Nina 17:59
Oh, no, no worries. I mean, I was every I have no, like main plan, because I only knew that he would be back in the city and like mid March, and I said, Okay, I got up, time it properly. So it’s not too soon. Not too late. That’s I needed to give it space. So I was but I was playing all the reach outs right here. And then mid February, I thought like he had been 45 days now with no contact at all. We still had each other on social media. We hadn’t deleted any of each other’s photos, which I would check that was like my one thing I would check every day because he deleted photos. That meant something. Right? So I was like, as long as he still follows me, we neither of us did anything he wouldn’t, he would occasionally view my stories, which I would freak out about. And then sometimes I would, I would reward him with my own view. You know, I was like, if you viewed me maybe, like,

Chris Seiter 18:48
it’s like the dog treat, you know, like, you can have a treat,

Nina 18:50
but I would never live first. Never first. So then mid February, I thought it was like time to reach out again. And I needed it. I roll but I was like I need to come up with something that feels natural. And then my mom messages me and she goes, Hey, I’m going to this city, which is his city for the weekend with your dad and we wanted some new restaurants any that you recommend? And I was like wow, perfect disguise. Oh,

Chris Seiter 19:16
thank you. Provides Exactly, yes.

Nina 19:19
Right. I was like waiting on something. I was like, this is perfect. So there we go. So I reached out. I was like, Hey, can I use your advice in your area of expertise? Yep. But first he goes, whoa, and I’m like, Well, what is like it’s great to hear from you. Like Wow, thanks. I was like, you know, you can reach out to me he says I could but I shouldn’t Wow, okay, that ruined my day. I was like you shouldn’t

Chris Seiter 19:43
I must oppose the Facebook group that seems so familiar.

Nina 19:48
Oh, yeah, I did. I did. Actually I posted screenshots because I was hyper focusing on that and like he hates me because he shouldn’t

Chris Seiter 19:55
feel like I saw that. And I was like, I feel like he may even commented that That seems so familiar to me.

Nina 20:03
Yeah, yeah, I definitely commented about that, because that was like the thing that stuck to my head for weeks. But I asked him advice for my parents. And he was, he loved it. He was giving me all these tips of restaurants and he’s a foodie too. And then he would throw in some information, like, I wouldn’t know which bars because I’m not going out. I’m like, Okay, I didn’t ask for bars, but got it. So he was giving me all these little like, insights that he was, you know,

Chris Seiter 20:26
seeing the bar comment is also like, hey, I want you to know, I’m not going on a date with anyone else. Yeah,

Nina 20:33
I was like, Okay, I didn’t ask. But yes. So, um, so that, so that was good. And I said, Okay, well, thanks for the tips. Bye. That was it. Um, then. And then I was like, Okay, I could reach out and oh, and then three days later, he did his first reach out ever means you went to a museum, which was the first I was like jumping out of joy, because he, he knows that I love poetry. And he went to a museum and there was a poetry installation. So he took photos and sent them to me. And he was like, I know I shoot. I said, I wouldn’t text but I saw this, I thought of you. And he sent me photos. And then later, I found out that he was on a date. And he sent us photos to me.

Chris Seiter 21:13
Oh, so he did. He did go out with other Shame on him.

Nina 21:18
He’s like, nothing happened. It was a day day. I was miserable thinking of you sending you pics? Like, are you kidding me? Like, of course, I didn’t go anywhere with Elsa. That girl. It was like, I was like,

Chris Seiter 21:27
like, just between you and I and Nina, that poor girl. She’s on a date with this guy. And he’s taking pictures and sending them to his ex you know?

Nina 21:35
I know.

Chris Seiter 21:36
I mean, it’s good for you. But I feel I feel for the other girl too. Yeah, I

Nina 21:41
was like, I was shocked. He’s very honest. And I was laughing about that. I was like, wow, I would have never suspected that. But, but yeah, that was his first reach out. And I laughed about it. I was like, Oh, thank you for thinking of me. I love this photos, whatever. That was his first record ever. And then I wanted to keep the conversation kind of open because it was in one week. We have spoken two times. So it’s like, okay, I need something else. And then the Lord provides again, because my mom that went to his city went to the same museum as him and took photos of an installation to me, and I was like, guess what? So so then we had another conversation. I was like, Look, my mom went to the city museum. Isn’t that funny? And that was it. And then after that, I was like, I’m done with reach outs, I’m not gonna reach out again, because it’s mid February. I know he’ll be back in mid March. I’m done. If he wants to talk to me, he will. But I’m like, I’ve initiated over four or five contacts. If he doesn’t want anything else. It is what it is. And I waited on Skinput. And then in mid March, he came back. And he reached out to me, but his first message was a little weird, because he knows back to the poetry thing he knows that I love and I to read and write. And it was like National Poetry Day and I posted some like poems and like my Instagram, and he reached out like, hey, like, I admire your writing so much. It’s taught me so, so much. I don’t know. I appreciate that about you. But the way that you wrote it sounded like he was saying thank you for the teachings goodbye, like. And I was. I was like, wow, yeah, he was like, thank you. For all you’ve taught me. I was like, Excuse me, like, that’s it. So because he was back in New York already. So I missed I responded. And I said, um, that’s it. I lost. That’s the only time that I ever lost like, like, What do you mean? That’s it? I’m like, that’s all you have to say. You’re back in New York. And that’s the only thing you say to me.

Chris Seiter 23:36
I feel like he did that on purpose. That’s just me. He said, What do you

Nina 23:39
mean? He’s like, um, he’s like, No, that’s not all I have to say. But I was just like, seeing that I appreciate this about you, blah, blah. He’s like sending me paragraphs. And I was like, I’m done. Because I thought he was like, just saying, bye. So I stopped responding. And then he’s like, No way. I want to see you. You didn’t take it the right way. I want I meant to some other way. And I was like, Oh, wait, what? And he’s like, are you bad? Like, I want to, I want to see you when can we meet? And I and I was angry. So I was like, sometime next week. And then he’s like, next week? We can we see each other this this weekend? I was like, wait, wait, wait, hold up. I was like, we maybe I’m, maybe I read it wrong. So then I said, Okay, maybe this weekend, and then a day later, he was like, let’s meet on Sunday. And we met on Sunday. And

Chris Seiter 24:24
I wasn’t nervous. Well, obviously.

Nina 24:26
Yeah, it went really well. I still wasn’t sure because he had never reached out. It was all me and I thought I mean, I had hoped but as a side of me thought maybe he would say hey, like I need more time or I love you but I’m not ready. You know, like I will always have love for you. But this isn’t it. So I was a nervous wreck. I was meditating and breathing like crazy that day. And we met at the park and they’ll second that we saw each other I literally lost all emotion. Like I think I don’t know I just my my I went like turned off emotion. And I just stopped being nervous, which is great. But it was freaky. And we were just walking. And he kept staring at me looking at the giving me these romantic looks. I was just like, what? And he’s like, No, I’m just taking in the moment. I was like, what? And then nothing. He told me that he this time apart, he had realized what he had the he knew he had like commitment issues, but he really cared about me had never felt like this about this way about anyone in his entire life. And even though he’s still scared, and he doesn’t feel like 100% Ready, he wants to be and he’s ready to work on these things together if I’m willing. And I was just sitting there kind of like numb to it. Like, what’s what is happening? Like my head couldn’t process because I had imagined this moment in my head for so many months. But I was like, Wait, this is really this is real. I know is like Yeah, sure. I mean, if you want, like we’re gonna try it was playing it’s so chill. When it was like months of planning. So yeah, you and this was like two weeks ago. And I told him, like, it’s gonna be hard, you know, because I lost trust in you. Because you literally got up and left me. You created a problem that wasn’t there before, as in me trusting you. But it’s going to be a lot of work, you’re gonna have to be persistent in with me giving me reassurance. And we’ll see how it goes. And he’s like, No, I want to live my life. Like, let’s build it together. Like if you want to move a move, I think we should move in together. At the end of next year. I’m like, Whoa, this is day one, like, relax. But things are going great. So yeah, I never really expected it to be that Well, I mean, we’re, what two weeks and we don’t know how it’s gonna go. Right. But But I have a good feeling about it. I think things are going to be okay.

Chris Seiter 26:49
Yeah, I mean, the thing that really sticks out to me so far about your situation, moreso. The second one is just how patient you were. And also, I love this concept in I’m not ever sure I’ve ever recommended that. But it’s actually such a such a poignant one, which is like just not texting until you actually have good content to provide, you know, like, like, every one of your text messages was pointed, had a point. And it was pretty successful. And I think it only worked because you had something interesting to share each time as opposed to what I think happens a lot in the community is people make up stuff, you know, they do. But yours were really always authentic. But also the thing that really sticks out to me is how patient you were, you know, you weren’t afraid to like, oh, I’ll just wait another 45 minutes. You were also I feel like you really were the definition of that concept where you’re like, you know, if I don’t get it back, whatever. Because you literally I think by the end of that 45 days, or maybe even at the beginning of that 45 days, that second no contact that you did. I think you were kind of already there. You know, you were just sort of like well, I’m not going to push things, which I think is a huge problem in the community. I see people always wanting to give into those fix it mentalities. But you I mean, I’m impressed. I don’t say that.

Nina 28:11
Oh, my gosh. But I mean, I wasn’t always like this, I was more anxious. Like with my other ERP X, the first one. I was very warm, emotional, I guess I would snap quicker. I had less patience. So I think also that drove him a little bit to want that breakup, originally because I was very dependent on him.

Chris Seiter 28:28
And very dependent. You said, Yeah,

Nina 28:31
dependent on him. It was like living here from a new country. And he was he was American, he was from here. So I think being patient and not overreacting or or like acting on a whim is very important, you know. So instead of freaking out right away or wanting to text or wanting to respond when I feel you mean something, I’m I try to pause and think okay, because every time that I’ve acted fast on I’ve reacted in the moment, usually I regret it. So that’s why I’ve tried to take my time with things now. And that usually ends with a better result. So

Chris Seiter 29:05
yeah, the only thing that can really teach you, sorry, the only thing that can really teach you something like that is if you actually live through it. I feel like so the fact that you had successfully gone through the progress you had successfully kind of manage those emotions one time already, but the second time it happened, you at least had some sort of a framework to fall back on and help you through that. And I feel like that helped getting you to that safe space emotionally. Which is so hard to achieve. Do you feel like the oh so before that us You said you got some dirt from him? Like why he likes you and everything what can you give anyone listening like like yeah

Nina 29:51
we’re very open with our in the sense that we talk about like he told me he went on a couple of dates. It was miserable. I mean, I went on dates to when I told him that not that many not not a lot of detail. But you know, the general idea. And I did tell him I was like, I’m so pissed that you never texted me in these four months, and I’m there sending you photos reaching out for the World Cup, like, come on, like, why didn’t you reach out? And he said, Well, I was really he’s like, I took all of me not to text you every day. I thought of you in the morning at night. It was awful. But I wanted to give you the space to heal because I was the one with doubts, and I’m the one that left. So it would be unfair for me to keep texting you and stringing you along. When I left you, I felt it was unfair. I didn’t deserve to text you. Because I left you. So even though I wanted to know how you were doing, and I wanted to tell you, I miss you. I love you. It just wasn’t the right thing to do. And I was trying to be a good man to you and let you maybe like, possibly move on. But I didn’t want you to. But you know, I wanted what was best for you. And I was like, Okay, well, you could have texted me for New Years. He’s like, No, I mean, I was I wanted to but

Chris Seiter 30:56
so did you ever, like quizzing him on? The reason he had those doubts in the first place? Like the commitment doubts that caused the breakup originally? Yeah. Well, he

Nina 31:07
said, like, he didn’t really believe in marriage, much. His parents had went through a bad break, divorced when he was a kid. And he just, I don’t know, he just felt very young. You know, he was like, I thought maybe I would get married. But it would be very late in life, I was still very focused on having fun with my friends and going out. But then I realized this time apart that like, I was, like, not wanting to do the same things. You know, I didn’t want to just go out to a bar or be with my guy friends, I want to my partner, I want you. I want to go home and be with you and hang out and like have conversations and like, I don’t know, like do more wholesome things. And I guess that comes with like, maturity and not having you around that made me realize that. So like, Okay, well, the time helped. And he even said himself, he’s like, I’m not I don’t regret the time away. I needed that. Because I did have doubts when I left. I did really not feel ready. And then in our time separated, I realized what I had. So I needed that time away from you. And I actually thought that you had done when we got together at the park since like, we spoke three or four times because I felt like very, I don’t know, I felt very naggy with my reach out. I still felt very bad about it. I was like I have such a losing power, even though I reach out once every 45 days. But he thought I moved on. He was like I was terrified. When I invited you to the park, I was sure that you were going to tell me like you were dating someone new and you were happy and like, by like, our thing was in the past because even though we texted and you gave me like photos, and you were nice, it felt very like just friendly. You were never giving me emotional like responses like I miss you or like nothing romantic. You would just say hey, here’s a picture of a pie made like a cute Okay, bye. Have a nice day. So yeah. In that, in that sense, I guess it’s important to not give too much emotion because he really thought I was being friendly. When clearly I wasn’t, you know. So? No,

Chris Seiter 33:02
what’s interesting is I think of your situation almost sort of like he got the grass is greener syndrome, but not necessarily with another person with a with a life type thing like, right, like with the freedom aspect. And then I think the beauty of it is, once he got over there, he realized, you know, the grass isn’t so green so much anymore, like, and I think that’s so that’s so common, where people kind of build up this fantasy in their mind about how like, oh, well, you know, if I didn’t have Nina, I could go out with my friends more and have more fun. But then like sometimes when you actually engage in that you realize this isn’t as fun as I thought anymore. Life doesn’t have a purpose. And then that’s when the missing starts to kind of kind of happen. And I feel like weirdly enough that helped you? Which is, which is I guess interesting. Just hearing his

Nina 33:56
Yeah. 100% Because at first we had never spoken much about I mean, we knew we wanted sort of like a future together. But we hadn’t spoken that directly about okay, next year, we’ll move in together in two years. If things go well, we’ll get married. It wasn’t like that exact. And now, I mean, I never even brought it up. He brings it up now. So now I feel I’m the one that’s like, Okay, wait, relax, okay, because I gotta learn to trust you again. But he brings it up all the time. Like next year, when we move, we have to get this type of apartment, or I would like a view. I’m like, Whoa, it’s it’s two weeks in and he’s already like making plans, which is great, you know, like talking about the future and everything. But he had never done that before. So it’s great that he came to this conclusion on his own, without me having to force him to stay. I just let him figure it out on his own. And I think that’s the best way to have someone because, you know, you didn’t have to convince them.

Chris Seiter 34:48
Yeah, it’s authentic. You know, they know that you they want to be there. They’re not being forced to be there. But I think the challenge with that is you you have to give up power. And that’s the hardest part you have to be able they’ll kind of give your heart to someone else and kind of be like, Okay, I trust you with it. Don’t Don’t screw it up. And when that person has screwed up in the past and has broken your heart, it’s really hard to do that again.

Nina 35:12
Oh, yeah, I’m struggling now I’m not gonna lie. It’s a struggle. Like he says, all these things now. And I’m like, This sounds great. But really, like, it’s that easy. Like, you just come back. And now we’re just gonna live happily ever after there’s gonna be a catch somewhere.

Chris Seiter 35:26
Yeah, it might be a little bit of the honeymoon period kind of sparking, we find that when couples get back together, the real big risk is that we’re trying to avoid any kind of on again, off again, situation. So it’s really important to take everything at the beginning with a little bit of a grain of salt. And I think the advice I’m constantly giving to people who get back together, is that whole adage of, hey, when you see that they’re pulling back a bit, you pull back as well. Let them let them lead. And so far he is leading things seem to go going incredibly well. But where I feel like most people get in trouble is they fall back into sensing, oh, my partner’s pulling back, I need to fix this. As opposed to giving the partner because a lot of what you described is very dismissive, avoidant behavior, not to kind of break someone down to to an attachment. So I mean, people are far more complicated than just their attachment styles. But he literally moved away. He didn’t reach out to you at all, during the No Contact Rule. It took them a long, long time before he was willing to reach out we know, you know, only when the ex thinks that you have moved on, do they start to get that nostalgia? All of those things have happened for you. So I’m pretty confident saying he’s got dismissive avoidant tendencies, we often see that and exes who have childhoods where they witnessed or parents go through divorce, they have kind of this traumatic experience with commitment and things like that. But overall, I think he played your hand brilliantly across two axes, really, the the first x, I’m not even sure we can count because it happens so easily. For you, Nina, that’s like, it’s like, you don’t usually get that simple of a thing. The second x is more indicative of what I’ve seen consistently across the platform with success stories, and so on and so forth. Out of curiosity, how long did it take from the start from start to finish before when the breakup occurred to when you got him back?

Nina 37:23
Well, it was a total of like, four months, told me Well, the second he told me, like, I’m having doubts. I was like, this is done. You know, when he when we were having this conversation, like, wow, this relationships over no matter what we talked about. So that was like, early November, and then he left in two weeks. So like, November 15. And then he was back around mid March. So 15. Yeah, to like March 15. Exactly. Yeah. Like, wow, much.

Chris Seiter 37:52
Yeah, it’s actually a little quicker than our average or average is like, right, around five to anywhere between five to seven months is sort of the sweet spot, the Goldilocks zone,

Nina 38:00
if you will, yeah, I saw that. And I was like, Oh, God, I don’t know if I can wait that long. Also, because I get over people like, I’m not seeing you. I’m not talking to you. I just don’t see you. I kind of forget, like it was already getting difficult. At the end of March before he arrived. I was like, I’m starting to fade with the memories. And I was also going out see meeting new people and having fun. And even though I missed him, it wasn’t that like, desire to get him back like crazy. He was more of like an acceptance, like, I would love to have you back in my life. But if not too bad, um, that’s literally when they come back, which you would always say I’m gonna happen. I was like that.

Chris Seiter 38:34
But the the key component that everyone always misses, and I know anyone listening to this probably has heard, like anyone listening to this is going to be like unida where they’ve read it, or listen to everything. But it’s not the kind of thing you could fake. It has to be authentic. Right? Because, literally, I

Nina 38:52
would hear you say it all the time. And I was like, When am I gonna get there? Because I don’t know if I can. And then I got there. I’m gonna happen. I was like, wow, it’s like clockwork, it’s crazy.

Chris Seiter 39:00
What would you say helped you get to that place?

Nina 39:03
Um, well, I was, Well, besides like, your podcast, and meditation and therapy. So, um, yeah, I was I was using every tool to help me I was like, I’m not going to fall into despair because no one’s gonna get me out. So I gotta be okay. So I was okay, to Jay Shetty a lot, who’s great with this podcast about like, helping me cope, just love and kindness and, and I remember I’m watching this guy like all these people on like, Instagram that helped me with breakups. And he was just teaching you about acceptance that it was and he was saying the story of like, if you feel that you lose a love of your life, that wasn’t the love of your life, right? Because the love of your life is not going to leave you that’s not it. You can be disappointed that you lost them and that they weren’t the one but if they are the one, they’re not going to leave you and it’s going to work out.

Chris Seiter 39:57
So it’s sort of like a paradigm shift like shifting I was like, you know, this isn’t the one if they’re not going to come back. So don’t don’t shed tears.

Nina 40:05
sad about it, but my life isn’t over. So I mean, I talked to myself a lot about elves, like, you’re gonna be okay. Like, I know you love him and you felt like he was the one. But it’s okay. V is it, you know, like you felt like the previous what might have been the one two so. So I would put a lot of things in perspective. And I was also going out with other people. To me, it was hard to to not compare, I would compare a lot. You know, a lot of times, I was like, damn, I wish I was with my ex. But you still have to push yourself to not fall into that hole of despair. And I was just being active and like, making my life not revolve about my ERP X, you know, it was more about just doing other things and being busy. But I still gave myself the first month and a half to be sad. I wasn’t forcing myself to do. I didn’t drink for like a whole month because I didn’t want to be under the influence and be sad. I would just give myself two time to cope. And then it’s time to be active. I’m pushing myself. And yeah, I guess time. It’s just time. And then I mean, if you’re, I don’t know, if you if it’s been four months, and you’re still grieving, you’re excellent sobbing yourself to sleep. You need any therapy, like for real? Because I was new with my other ex. And the breakup. The misery part lasted six months, and I needed help. And it helped. And that’s why it didn’t happen again this time.

Chris Seiter 41:27
Yeah, absolutely. somebody to talk to. I mean, I think you’re selling yourself short, a little bit with all the other meditation work. And I don’t know, it seems like you’ve kind of developed a lot of healthy habits that you kind of embedded during the No Contact Rule. But like I said, I It’s impressive. You know, I feel I feel like you have nothing but pride, you should feel nothing but pride because pretty much I don’t really think you made a mistake at all, which is rare.

Nina 41:58
So I appreciate it. A lot of work to be here. I mean, yeah, I was not allowing myself to fall into despair. And I was latching on to anything that would help any podcast book, meditation session friends, so and I feel like you have to not be scared to ask for help. Like you don’t have to go through this alone and even on days round. And when I was extra sad, I would go on the Facebook group and the Hi brother people up because it helps to put your situation in perspective, when you see someone else is also in this sphere. And I also have battle buddies who I will talk to a lot. That helped a lot too. They’re a great

Chris Seiter 42:34
man, I’m super glad that you found value out of those resources and everything but the thing that stands out to me was just the internal confidence that you had to know that okay, I’ve been through this before it’s going to be okay, you know, I know what to do. So just thank you so much for coming on and doing this.

Nina 42:54
Yeah, of course. Thank you. I wouldn’t be here without the program. I honestly it helps me so much. So I hope this can help others too.

The post Success Story: She Got Two Exes Back With Our Process, Here’s How! first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we have another success story hitting the presses. I’d like to introduce you to Stacia!

She has one of the more interesting situations I’ve encountered.

Her ex literally ghosted her and when I say ghosted I’m not doing it with “air quotes.” I mean, he straight up ghosted her out of the blue with no explanation for two months.

Here’s some of the things we touched on in this interview,

• Stacia’s story (from start to finish)
• How she got back on speaking terms with her ex
• The one thing she did to get through the contentious time
• Our shared love of running
• Dealing with death during a breakup
• What it was like when he was away from her
• What she believe is the key to her success

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizInterview TranscriptChris Seiter 00:02
All right. Well, today we have another success story with someone with perhaps the most unique name imaginable. This is Stacia, which is kind of a mix between Stacey and Alicia put together. But yeah, she’s got one of the more interesting success stories. I kind of don’t know much other than a few briefing points that I’ve been given. So I’m just going to be exploring as you’re listening. But thank you so much for coming on. And doing this. Stacia.

Stacia 00:32
Absolutely. Thank you for having me.

Chris Seiter 00:35
All right. Let’s go back to the Dark Ages. Let’s let’s let’s go back to the sad stuff. Can you take me back to before you found the program before you entered into the community breakup? Just catch me up to it. Your floor is yours.

Stacia 00:51
Okay. Um, I had had our son,

Chris Seiter 00:56
July of 2020. Obviously, that was just a horrible time anyway. Um, because I was like, in the midst of it, too.

Stacia 01:03
It was it just was one of those like,

Chris Seiter 01:06
so you gave birth at the hospital during the day, they make you wear a mask? Because my wife was not wearing a mask. She was in a lot of pain when

Stacia 01:16
it didn’t make me but I had friends at other hospitals that did and I

Chris Seiter 01:20
was terrified. Yes, well, you made it through. I did. And unfortunately, we’re about to hit with something even worse.

Stacia 01:30
He was there through the birth. He took a new job that started like, right, as soon as the school year started, so we were both like in education. And the new job didn’t really pan out, well, he’s a coach, so they let him go. before the school year was even halfway done, he knew that he was gonna have to look for a new job. And so he kind of went down depressive hole. There was no pulling him back in new dad and just lost a job. And he just kind of shut down. He disappeared, changed his number. I didn’t hear from him for two months until I was served with custody paperwork for our son at my friend door.

Chris Seiter 02:12
And were you guys married? engaged at the time? So? Yes, yes. So you’re engaged but not officially married yet? Right? Do you kind of think, like, okay, new. So, you mentioned you have other children as well? Or at least off camera? Were they all his? Or was it just this one?

Stacia 02:37
No, man, two daughters was my ex husband, and it was his

Chris Seiter 02:42
first child. So we have a first child for new time dad, which is pretty scary. I can attest to that. And then getting laid off all happening at once, not to mention during COVID and everything. And you think that’s like you kind of skipped over what I feel like it’s an important thing. So he just leaves no explanation. Did he block you? Did you did you try to reach out to try to figure out what the heck is going on?

Stacia 03:09
I did. It was May 22. I only remember that because it was my grandmother’s birthday. And I was waiting for him to come celebrate with us. And he said that he was on his way. And I never heard from him again for two months. He shut down his number obviously tried reaching out but his phone number was gone. And he was not at the address that he had, you know previously live because he had moved into like a rental for the new job that he had taken that I did not know about. So he’s off the grid. Completely Mia, he did not have social media, any sort of contact at all.

Chris Seiter 03:48
Okay, this this is a good story. We don’t really get we don’t really get like a successor that comes on that as this far. Like, I don’t know if blocked is the correct word to say it was like cut out and like ghosted to the extreme. Had did this happen before the birth of the child her

Stacia 04:12
after, after our son was almost one. Okay.

Chris Seiter 04:17
So he had been a new dad for almost like 1112 months. Yes. So that 1112 month period was were there any like signs leading up to this at all? Did you notice anything?

Stacia 04:34
Yes. He was obviously avoidant, and he would pull away. He started staying with his parents, because where they lived was much closer to his work like 10 minutes as opposed to 45 and they’re much they’re much older and in really bad health. I mean, they’ve only given us dad like another two months possibly to live so it’s been hard with that situation going on to on top of everything else. I Um, that he started staying over there. And I would notice that he would cut his phone off as soon as you would get back from either, you know, practice or work or whatever it was. And he would not answer were call me back until the next morning. And I could just tell he was pulling back. He didn’t seem as interested in coming around and seeing the baby. Even had convinced himself that there was a possibility that it wasn’t his child and had served me with like DNA paperwork to later when we find

Chris Seiter 05:32
out the first time I’ve heard that one. Unfortunately, I have heard that one before.

Stacia 05:37
Yes, it was it was mortifying, because I mean, I’ve never stepped out of our relationship. So understand his whatever was going on in his head at the time, probably chemically imbalanced. But yeah, he he just went off the grid, and did not I did not hear a word from him until I had paperwork on my front door, stating that he wanted to go to court for a DNA test and custody pending the DNA test.

Chris Seiter 06:06
Geez, it’s always really difficult when you hear stuff like this, because, you know, the the innocent, that’s getting hurt is really the kid. Fortunately, I mean, 11 months old, you’re not going to really remember too much of that rocky time in the life. Okay, so he serves you these papers. He doesn’t think the kid is is he wants to go to the DNA test court thing? What is your next step? Do you go to a lawyer do you like? Or do you just go to Google and fix something? I don’t know.

Stacia 06:43
I did have an attorney for my, for my divorce for my ex husband. So I just went to him. He was all I knew. And I handed him the paperwork. And he was like, Okay, I mean, he was just as in shock as everyone else was. And he got in touch with his attorney. But there was still no getting in touch with my eggs. There was like, still this gap there. And even with the DNA tests, like I could not get in touch with him to schedule it. And of course, I would email my attorney and he would email back like, this is something y’all need to get together about. And I was like, Well, I can’t get in touch with him. So can you ask his attorney to please let him know that you need do

Chris Seiter 07:24
number? You didn’t even have like an email or anything like that? No, I did not. Who doesn’t have an email nowadays, he had

Stacia 07:34
stopped using his previous like, went from like Gmail to Outlook or something like that. changed it so that I can get in touch with an old account that he wasn’t checking it. That I know of?

Chris Seiter 07:46
Yeah. So very hardcore, dismissive, avoidant tendencies here. All right. So your lawyer basically helps in that weird regard to get in touch? I’m assuming?

Stacia 08:02
Yes. And no, I love my attorney. But he was just kind of more like, he’s very much a dad, too. And he didn’t understand the situation. He was like, but he’s the one that wanted this. So why is he being difficult to work with? And he just, he took like, those two months off to just disappear, and I guess, find himself or whatever it was, or hit rock bottom, whatever he went through during that time.

Chris Seiter 08:27
So does he eventually reach back out to you? He

Stacia 08:30
does, um, only because I had a friend who was she was crazy. They called the new school that they found he was at and pretended to have a son that was interested in football. And he called her back on his personal cell. So I called his cell and reached out, and I guess I probably shouldn’t have done that and let him come to me. But that kind of got the ball rolling. And I just kept it very nonchalant. Like, hey, you know, we need to get together over this DNA test and our court, you know, you’ve served me papers, so we need to figure this out.

Chris Seiter 09:07
You did. You did need to figure that out. Like legitimately, you’re in a lot different of a situation than the average person who’s just trying to like get their ex back. You know, you haven’t. You were engaged. You’re sharing a child together. He’s not talking to you. He just serves you papers, your lawyers doesn’t seem to be able to get them on the phone for you. It seems just incredibly difficult. And what you’re saying is you had to have the trusty old friend go undercover for you to cultivate the phone number and then you you basically just call it out of the blue.

Stacia 09:43
I did, I was at work and I I blocked my number. He knew it by heart, so I knew he wouldn’t pick up and he answered, and as soon as he heard my voice, he was like, oh, no, but he was like, I was gonna call you sooner or later. Okay, well and easily sooner because we’ve got to get this ball rolling. We’ve got to figure out something for our child.

Chris Seiter 10:06
Okay, so I’m assuming he responds kind of okay to that that phone call before things. Like, what happens next? Are you do you eventually get back on speaking terms with him? Or is there is a little slow going?

Stacia 10:22
It was a slow roll at first it was very, you know, textbook like, this is what we need to do for our son. And then, of course, some of those phone calls, he would just hang on a little bit longer and ask a few more questions and get a little more personal, just to kind of feel for where I was. He did admit later to stalking my Instagram during that time, even though he did not have an Instagram. Oh, yes.

Chris Seiter 10:49
So everyone listening who doesn’t believe me? When I say exes stock when they don’t have social media. Stacia is helping us here.

Stacia 10:57
Yes, I hate and he has none. None at all. And I made it public like you had recommended. And I said, okay, like, I’ll try it. And sure enough, he didn’t tell me that and probably till three months ago. And so I had no idea. But he had gone and looked on and seen some fun that I was having met summer with friends smiling, laughing. And so he started getting curious and questioning what I was up to.

Chris Seiter 11:24
I love that. Right. So at some point, when you guys are kind of getting back on speaking terms, it becomes less about the court date and more maybe more generalized record building? And is that is it at that point where you start thinking, I want to repair this, I don’t want to go to court and kind of Yeah, have a break?

Stacia 11:46
I did. And he felt the same. But you know, with the ball rolling, and we went ahead through with the DNA test. And of course, no surprise, it was his child. And once he saw that,

Chris Seiter 11:58
like an episode of Jerry Springer, or something, you know, like, You are the father.

Stacia 12:06
That’s what I said the whole time. But, you know, we kind of laugh about it and laughed about it, then too, I was like, I mean, if this helps with your, you know, peace of mind.

Chris Seiter 12:16
You’re an amazing woman, I’ll tell you that, because most women are not going to be thinking that he’s so mad. You know,

Stacia 12:24
it was but I tried to handle it, because I had already found the group at this point. So I tried to handle it a little bit better. And like, I found the group, right after the paperwork was served, really, I think it was the next morning and I was just at rock bottom. And I was online looking for, you know, what do I do? How do I fix this, and I found your program. And I got on it. And I was like, okay, like, this sounds like it could be for me. And I started saying, you know, you say like, build on your Trinity and work on yourself. And I’d already consider going back to school for my doctorate. But like that was kind of my sign. And I just contacted my university and got started. And now I’m halfway through that. So I’m really proud of myself on that. We’re talking

Chris Seiter 13:14
to a doctor here in a couple of years. Actually, I know a little bit about that my brother, he’s about to get his doctorate history or something. But I told him when he’s a doctor, I’m gonna come to his class and just heckle him. Of course, I’ll get thrown out of the university when I do it. But

Stacia 13:35
evidently, I’m I went back for psychology, my Bachelor’s, I started at Auburn, working towards a psychology degree. And then I went for my master’s in early childhood Elementary Ed. Just because I was my ex husband was Army and it was a fast course like an 11 month program. And I love children. I love working with children that have always just felt really strongly compelled to go back for psychology. And I’ve been debating for about six, seven years, whether or not I should just go for it. And I mean, once I was right there starting the program and saying, you know, I was like, I’ve just got to go for it. And it’s um, yeah,

Chris Seiter 14:21
well, I think I think that’s probably the most amazing part because not only are you going through this really contentious time, but you actually do the one thing so like most people when they go through the contentious time they get really consumed by it. Like that’s all they think about. I’m sure you had your bouts of that. But you also had an a foresight to be like, You know what, I’m going to invest in myself. How, how do you do that? What’s your secret?

Stacia 14:49
I had a lot of crass of I think I hit rock bottom. I cried for maybe three or four days. And then I just woke up one day kind of angry and ready to just get my life fit together and do all of the things. We had actually always planned on taking a trip down Route 66. So I got my best friend and my kids and I loaded up my car and we went down Route 66. And it was just one of those, like, spur of the moment, I started in Chicago, and I drove through the night, just went, yeah. I wanted to just do all the things and I was like, I might as well, you know, I’ll everything that I’ve wanted to do I need to stop putting off and just go for it.

Chris Seiter 15:31
Well, also, I think, weirdly enough, just looking at your situation, what I feel like helped you the most was the fact that you couldn’t contact him. So you almost had no choice but to do the things that you know, the Trinity work that I always talk about, that everyone in the group always talks about. You just kind of did it because you didn’t have the opportunity to being like, oh, let’s break no contact? No, like, what’s he up to? You wanted to but you had no way of getting in touch. You had to have a friend basically pretend, you know. So. Yeah. So that’s, that’s kind of amazing. And I feel like that maybe your superpower that you’re able to overcome that through the action of just sort of investing in yourself and investing in your own mental health? And I’m sure it didn’t feel like it was an overnight, like, Oh, I’m fixed, like I feel better. Now. Can you talk a little bit about your process and how your thoughts are during that time, and like how long it took for you to feel like you were kind of leveled out.

Stacia 16:33
Overall, I would say about three months to level myself back to just kind of being mentally stable, I would have my highs and you know, that was when I went with my children and had the best time and we really had a great time. And of course, we took all the photos and I would, you know, hang out with more friends and you know, spend time with those that I had neglected, you know, while I was dating, and it was just a process of finding me again, and learning who I was before the relationship and kind of falling in love with myself again, instead of putting everything that’s my self worth in someone else. And that’s when honestly when kind of the the shift changed. And I felt like I was back in control of my life. And he kind of saw that and he started like, you know, getting interested and coming back around. But it did it. I had nights of just absolute crabfest I felt like I was you know, at rock bottom. Of course, I was seeing a therapist two times a week. And I would have you know, moments of elation. And then I would just have times where I threw myself in studies or exercise. I’m a runner. So I love to run. And I just go for a long run.

Chris Seiter 17:52
Oh, what’s your what’s your longest run you’ve ever done?

Stacia 17:57
I’ve done a half marathon. Nice, nice. Night.

Chris Seiter 18:04
You know, it’s hard because actually, the kids make it hard. You know, it has to be there for the kids and training for that marathon takes hours. From experience. That’s how I screwed up my knee and had to get a knee surgery training for a marathon. Really? Yeah, I was running like 10 miles a day. And I had like a hole in my cartilage and it just kept getting worse and worse. I’m like, hey, my knee kind of hurts. Oh, well, I’ll just keep running on it. So then I went in, they said I had the knee of an 84 year old. And I said, I said there’s no way I have any of an 84 year old and then you’re like okay, well, we need to come back after you get your MRI or something because they have like the X ray. And I remember going back in and there was like literally this like nine year old guy. And my knee was seized up and he outpaced me in the walk too. So I was like, well, maybe I do have the knee of an 84 year old. Sorry, I don’t need to make this about me. Sorry. I just geek out over running. Oh, I

Stacia 19:01
didn’t do before I had my son. It was one of those like I could give that time because my girls would either run beside me I did a lot of Treadmill work just because I was at home single mom, Swift. Do it.

Chris Seiter 19:16
Do you have Swift? No. Is that like an app or something? Okay, so this interview we’re way off course but indulge us listeners. Okay, so swift, it’s like for people who want to ride on a bike trainer or on a treadmill. You can get a special treadmill and it will connect up to this app. And the app is like a social media network where you can run in like volcanoes and stuff. It’s like it’s like a very immersive experience. So it’s a lot easier to run inside on the treadmill versus just like it’s kind of like a peloton but on steroids, I guess where you can kind of like go into this world, or I think I did a bike ride the other day in France. It simulates the incline. So if you’re going up like a hill, it simulates the, what do they call it the gradient of the of the rise? So it does that too with treadmills. That’s worth looking into for you.

Stacia 20:13
Yes, I guess I would get on the abs like I have Strava and a few others and see if they cool. And I could never find anything. But

Chris Seiter 20:21
if you do Swift, it will automatically upload your workout to Strava and Nike Run or some of the other things. I just use Swift to keep track and I have like an apple. Okay. Anyway, so at some point your ex comes back. Can you like, explain how that occurred?

Stacia 20:40
Well, it started with like meeting up for the DNA test. And obviously having to discuss court, we did end up just kind of talking and he would come over a few times. He is not a texter, I tried the whole tech space. He is a good decade older than I am. And he is not from the social media text generation. He was like if I had to text it was pushing the number five, like seven times just to get one letter. So he does not do all that mess. So he was like, I’m a caller. And so I had to come to learn how to do the phone calls and get off the phone first and, you know, not be such a distraction, because I’m one that I can sit on the phone for hours and just talk about anything. But I had to you know, keep up and work on my Trinity. And if that seemed busy, he got more curious. And he was like, Where are you going? I was like, oh, you know, I’ve just got plans, and I gotta go. And I would just try to be nonchalant about it. Which I mean, I feel like helped a lot. Then he became a coach at a new school. And the coaches obviously wanted to meet his son. And I brought him around for some of the coach days. And of course, they were like, hey, you know what’s going on with y’all like, she seems nice. And of course, he started like, Well, yeah, and kind of read guessing everything and wanting me at more events. And the more we I guess, acted like a family, the more it felt like when. And then our court date was honestly the most hilarious because I had my mom with me, and he had his mom with him. And we were all sitting together and laughing the whole time about other cases that were going on. And we were talking about it and just having a good time. And it was just like, my mom and his mom looked at each other and said, Why? Why is this not working? Are

Chris Seiter 22:33
we here? Exactly. So sometimes you need the parents to come in and solve the problem.

Stacia 22:44
And that’s what that’s when I felt like it shifted. I feel like things just kind of changed. For one, the custody agreement was totally, it did not work for him because he wanted every other weekend. Well, he’s a coach, and he’s got football on Friday nights and trainings on Sundays. And so became where I would have to meet up with him just to let him have our son for a few hours or one night and then get him back real quick. And so there was a lot more seeing each other through that. And I think when he realized how willing I was to just work with him, and you know, not make a big deal out of it. He he he saw like, okay, like this is something that she’s not out to get me she’s not this horrible person. He used to find me was scared of me. And

Chris Seiter 23:31
so how does the actual conversation go? Where you’re like, hey, let’s just let’s just go back to the way things were before I actually initiated that was that him? Was it you?

Stacia 23:45
It was me I kind of just said, Hey, let’s let’s just start right back at the beginning, like let’s just go back to the way it was which we we were best friend’s first we did not date or anything for the first several months that we knew each other, we would just hang out, we weren’t together. And so we were just talking, you know, the job and have conversations in the hallway. And then it just kind of got to where he was calling and, you know, sending random text messages. So we just went back to that. And it was dating again. And we made plans to just date and made it a point to call each other on the phone at least once a day for you know, 30 minutes or so as much as we could. But time is obviously very hard to manage. So it was difficult to find that time which was usually on our drive to work in the mornings was the best time.

Chris Seiter 24:42
So do things unfold more when when you kind of like are you guys living together now? How does how’s that situation unfolded? So

Stacia 24:53
he he works about an hour and a half away, and I work 30 minutes this way So if we move to one city or the other, we will be two hours apart. So he stays here on weekends. And he tries to make it like if it’s spring break or whatever holiday he’ll try to say more. But He’s also getting a lot of time to his parents because he’s the only sibling that cares for them. And so it’s been a hard divide, really trying to you know, do that sandwich generation thing where you got older parents and then a young child and you’ve got both

Chris Seiter 25:33
Yeah, pulled between but in a way the if he’s like, me, he is probably a dismissive avoidant, like, really hardcore, dismissive, avoidant, this kind of an outcome might be best for him, you know, to where he doesn’t get overwhelmed. And also, I mean, if, if his if one of his parents is in the process of passing away, and it’s kind of a long drawn out process that can be really difficult to deal with emotionally and everything. So seems like it’s it’s working pretty well for you. How long have you guys been? Have you yet? Like had the official talk talk yet? Or?

Stacia 26:11
So he did re propose? I see it was

Chris Seiter 26:16
okay. So you got the ring on your finger again? Yes. There it is.

Stacia 26:21
He I think it was February, it might have been March. But he officially proposed again. And it was just one of those things like we’ve never, we’ve never dated. We didn’t date other people during the time that we were apart. But we just needed that break from each other. And we’ve known that it was us the whole time. We just needed to rediscover it. So it’s but it’s been good, because I feel like it happened right at the time it needed to because he found out the news about his dad, and he really needs that support system too. So I’ve been able to help a lot. Yeah.

Chris Seiter 27:03
Did you end up after you got him back? And you got you got your nice little ring? Did you end up like asking him at all? What was going on in his head during that time? Why he kind of like ghosted you the way he did? What I’m curious to see what his explanation was. Yes.

Stacia 27:21
So when he left, I was dealing with severe postpartum depression. And he didn’t know what that was. And so there was a night that he like, came over and like the middle of the night, and I’m, you know, in nursing, and I’m barely getting sleep, and I was just angry. And so it just kind of got screaming ish. And he just ran out. And it was like, he became fearful of coming around. Even though like several, you know, other dads were like, you’ve got to understand, like, when women are going through these postpartum hormones, like they are different person, and he did not,

Chris Seiter 28:04
there are a lot. My wife and I, we have a theory. So she got postpartum depression with our first and then with our second not so much. So at first, we were like this really tiny apartment. And the hospital scares you. They make you sign all these papers that like if you sleep in bed with the baby, the baby could die, basically, you know, sudden infant death syndrome. And we were so terrified. So we took turns and everything and she got like, neither of us got any sleep, but she got very little sleep. And we think the lack of sleep really contributed to that postpartum depression versus with the second time around, we kind of had our shit together, so to speak. So she got more sleep and didn’t really have much postpartum depression, but also with the first one, she wasn’t able to breastfeed. I don’t think our our first daughter never learned to suck, she would just bite. And so with the second one, she still bites, but she learned to suck a little bit better. So the milk came in. And that was way better because she could just like nurse her to sleep and then boom, everyone’s out. And she also wasn’t afraid to co sleep with the with the baby. So that helped a ton. But I’m kind of curious. Were you were you having any issues with like, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation? Do you think that kind of contributed to the postpartum depression?

Stacia 29:28
I did. I was severely sleep deprived. I was the only one you know, caring for

Chris Seiter 29:34
him. But once you have your other kids to write

Stacia 29:37
shakily, and they were in grade school and needing homework done and you know everything, so it was it was a lot. I think it’s freezing out. Can you hear me?

Chris Seiter 29:54
I’m back. Sorry. And I was about to say that COVID hits on top of it, you know, so you’re dealing with like, crazy changes. And then kids, your kids probably had to do home school too. So they’re at home during the day. And then he decides he’s not the father anymore.

Stacia 30:22
I think that’s when he was like, oh, gosh, like, what if this isn’t even mine. But yeah, I struggled also to nurse my first she wouldn’t latch. And my second did and she was pretty much a dream to nurse. But then my third, he, he was difficult, but I also started back to work and then with the shortage of teachers, we didn’t have anybody to relieve me. So I couldn’t pump as much as I needed to. And so I you know, had my milk dried up and that was difficult. And I think that’s when my hormone Dawn kind of happen is when I stopped nursing.

Chris Seiter 31:00
Yeah, those factors really make make a huge difference. It’s almost like a perfect storm and, and it’s also hard to like, leave your newborn baby to go back to work, you know, so, okay, so you think it all kind of cultivator are culminated in that screaming match during during the thing and he walks out? And ever since then it was kind of like, but did he ever like tell you like when he was away from you what that was, like, from his perspective, like during the two month blackout period.

Stacia 31:32
He did. He said, He went inside a hole, he had moved to his family’s like property, and it’s very isolated on like, 50 Something acres. And he, when he wasn’t helping coach practice, he was just in a depression in that lake house. And he wouldn’t call anybody, he lost a lot of weight. He didn’t eat much, very depressed. And so that was a lot of it. And he said, Of course, he thought about me all the time. And he didn’t know how to handle it, because he does have some paranoia. And he was worried that, you know, I was becoming somebody else. And you know, what if we end up together, and then she turns into this monster, I guess?

Chris Seiter 32:17
He was what exactly caused that type of paranoia? Was it something that he misunderstood? Did he ever like, elaborate on like, why would he think you’re becoming someone else?

Stacia 32:29
He, um, his, from what I understand his mother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. And so I know it’s like 75% genetic, in at least one child. I’m worried that he might have a little bit of that. He’s, he’s been paranoid since we met. But like the older he’s gotten, the more that that’s kind of surfaced. So I think he had gotten in his head. He said that his mom had had a dream that I shot him. And so he took that dream and, and ran with it. Okay. Yeah. So that was

Chris Seiter 33:10
I don’t, I don’t picture you as the shooting type, but

Stacia 33:13
not like weapons at all. So

Chris Seiter 33:17
there you go. Okay. So okay, things, you’re kind of back together, now you’ve got the ring? How have things been, from your perspective? since you’ve been back together? Has it been really, really good? Or do you feel like you still have work to do?

Stacia 33:33
Honestly, I think that we’re the best that we’ve ever been, even when we first started dating. It’s like, it really did become a new relationship, it was different. Somehow, we were actually able to just kind of leave that and become to new people. And, you know, we had both grown and changed a lot. So he was able to see that growth in me. And of course, you know, no more postpartum depression and as you know, become a happier person, just overall and better able to manage. And he’s made it more of a point to come around and stay and take me on dates and spend that quality time. And so now it’s like, you know, he wants to call he wants to send a text, even if it’s three words, or, you know, he wants to go do things and has, you know, wanted to even try to start a podcast and I’ve just laughed at him like, okay, like, that’s fine, whatever you want to do, but he’s like, happy and I am tell you, it’s, it’s really good.

Chris Seiter 34:35
When you look back at the entire situation, what do you feel like was the most important factor for your success?

Stacia 34:41
I really truly believe it was throwing myself into me. And as you mentioned, I had a wonderful battle buddy, and she and I, we live two states apart. So she was like, Hey, this is crazy, but like, I’m gonna come meet you. And she did and she’s actually here right now. She it’s our spring break. So they came Uh oh, it’s exciting. Yeah. And so you know, we’ve become really great friends and able to connect and you know, talk about it and help each other with any situations. And I’ve also met another group member, that’s not but like 45 minutes for me. And we’ve talked about possibly getting coffee, but it’s just not happened yet. But this group has been so helpful in just throwing myself and learning that Trinity and working on me and trying to not think about what was going on as much as possible and get out of my own way, I guess with what he might be doing or not be doing.

Chris Seiter 35:38
Yeah. Like, overall, I would say you have one of the more unique success stories, and I think it’s good for anyone listening, who has been sort of ghosted in this way, like, we don’t see that a lot. We see like these these blocks, but you can still kind of contact them through email. I mean, you were just like, you were he was, I mean, DNA test and everything. You kind of pulled victory from the jaws of defeat. And I think, for me, the key to your success was that two month period of the black hole period that he talks about, you had no choice but to run through your emotions, and then kind of invest in yourself. And then I think through doing that, you felt like, oh, wow, I am not this relationship. I’m, I have other aspirations. And now you’re going to be a doctor. So you’ll be coming back on the podcast when you get married as Doctor?

Stacia 36:34
Absolutely. Yes, I agree with you. I feel like him falling off the grid and me feeling like, Okay, this is done. Like, it’s just, I had to accept it. And I’d never had to accept it before if we had like, had a little break up here, there. But this time, I was like, it’s it’s over. Like, there’s paperwork on my door, saying, like, it was like a divorce, like we’re done. And I had to accept that. And it was hard. It was definitely not easy. But it made it forced me to build myself back.

Chris Seiter 37:06
Do you feel like if the same thing ever happened again, you’d be able to know exactly what to do how to handle it, you’d have the confidence to survive?

Stacia 37:14
I do. Yeah, I really do.

Chris Seiter 37:17
See, to me, that’s the key. And I think that’s the lesson that most people don’t ever really use or get. I think a lot of and I’m kind of curious to get your opinion. Like when I often go to the group, I see a lot of people trying to manipulate their way to get their exes back as opposed to investing in themselves and kind of that ex coming back as the symptom of that, or do you feel like that’s kind of on the mark with your experience?

Stacia 37:43
Absolutely. Like, I feel like if you’re trying to manipulate somebody else to get them back, like you’re not doing that work for you. And when you become that better person that you are, they they’re just like addicted to it, they can smell it, and they come back around. And I feel like just personally for my situation, if I tried to manipulate him, he would catch on to it and then it would go right back into the same cycle. And it never changed. Like he couldn’t see you know, the change and I didn’t see the change because I was being manipulative to get what I wanted. So I feel very much like that’s what made her break broke my situation.

Chris Seiter 38:27
Thank you so much for coming on and doing this. Your story blew me away. It was so

Stacia 38:34
thank you. I mean, I’ve loved being a part of the group like this has been an amazing group. It was the best thing that I could have stumbled upon.

Chris Seiter 38:42
I’m so happy to hear you. Thank you.

Stacia 38:46
Thank you

The post Success Story: How One Woman Got An Ex Back Who Ghosted Her first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I had the pleasure of interviewing Kelsey who had a pretty intriguing breakup story.

Basically her ex gave her the whole,

“I have a lot of love for you but I’m not IN love with you.”

So, for those of you who have ever had an ex say that or,

“I’m not sure I see a future together with you”

Then you’ll want to pay attention to Kelsey’s success story.

Summary Of Our Conversation* Kelsey’s Personal Story * How She Found Out About The Program * The End Of The No Contact Rule * The Food Delivery Aspect Of The Breakup * How The Breakup Changed Their Relationship * How She Got Her Ex Back * The Issue Of Codependence * How To Be Content With Not Getting Your Ex Back * Skipping The Value Ladder

Interview TranscriptChris Seiter 00:02
All right, today we have another success story. This is Kelsey. So thank you so much for coming on. First off and doing this, Kelsey.

Kelsey 00:11
Thank you for having me.

Chris Seiter 00:12
All right, so let’s kind of roll back time and go back to the beginning. Why don’t you give us kind of like a breakdown of of your situation? Okay,

Kelsey 00:23
yeah. So this started last year of 2022. And me and my ERP ex, at the time, were together for about two and a half years. And so we broke up on February 1. And pretty much like I was pretty, really confused at what the reason was the time and obviously, I was in a very emotional state. And I wanted to know why. And the only answers that I kept getting were like, Oh, I just, I have a lot of love for you. But I don’t feel in love with you, those type of things. And like, I don’t really see a future with you anymore. And so I was just like, panicking on the inside. And I went home after the breakup, and I tried to look up things online, just like some tips on how to get your exes back and stuff like that. And then I came across the ERP, the Ex Recovery Program. And I thought it was so interesting, because the layout was so different than other websites that I looked at. And it was actually really easy to navigate as well. And it showed a lot of the success stories on the page. And I kept reading that and, and it gave me hope. And I was like, maybe I can check this out and see if it works. So I signed up for that I took the quiz that it has on the website, and I think I got I think it was 80% something like that.

Chris Seiter 02:02
Turns out it was a it was 100%.

Kelsey 02:07
Exactly, sorry to interrupt. Oh, no, no, that’s fine. But yeah, it gave me a lot of hope that it would work out. So I was like, why not, I don’t have anything else really to do. Because it was I had like spring break coming up at the time, too. So I had all this time to just do all this research and stuff. So one thing too was that I didn’t want to talk too much about it with my close friends, because I know that they have very strong opinions of like me getting hurt. And obviously they don’t want that to happen. But at the same time, I still wanted to get him back because I knew that there was something special. And that’s something that nobody else could understand other than me. And so I was just starting the program. And I think I did a 30 day no contact, I tried that. First, I was still very new to it. And I was like I don’t know if I’m doing this right at all. And one thing that was different from a lot of the other stories that I saw was that I would actually see him every week, like once a week at church. So it was a lot harder for me,

Chris Seiter 03:23
even though it’s kind of like a limited no call. Yeah, type situation. Yeah,

Kelsey 03:28
yeah, exactly. And so I was just trying to figure out how to deal with that, because it was definitely pretty difficult seeing him and having all these emotions. And I actually set up an appointment with Anna, who used to be part of the program. And I had, I think it was an hour appointment. And she was talking to me about it. And she gave me this whole plan. And she suggested that I do a 45 day limited no contact. And basically, the value chain was very different for me because of that. And so like there was no display starting off with like texting, and then phone calls and stuff like it was a little different because I already see him in person. So I started off with just like the smiling and the waving. At first he avoided me at all costs. And that made me feel even worse. And it was really hard at the time. But I had faith in the program. And I had actually two battle buddies that I talked to at the same time, which helped me a lot. And I really appreciate the Facebook group for the program. And I’m still in it and I love just looking at other people’s stories and just reading what they’re going through as well because I totally understand now. And so it really helps me talking to other people going through the same situation. And so yeah, we started off like smiling and waving and Let it got to like saying hi to each other. And then he, oh, yeah, in the, in the 30 day no contact. Before I talked to Anna, he would he reached out to me like, I think it was four days into the no contact. But I knew that I couldn’t respond, because obviously I not supposed to contact him at all. So I didn’t, and I, I just saw the message. And then he messaged me like three other times after that. And I was really surprised, because I didn’t think he would message me at all. So that happened. And then when it got to the end of the no contact period, I replied, I can’t quite remember what I said. But it was just a short reply. Like, I think he asked me how I was doing. And I kept it neutral. And I was like, I’m good. How are you? Something like that. And and then he was a lot different than I planned, because he asked to meet up and just talk about what happened and how things were. I agreed to meeting up with him. But I was really cautious about talking about the relationship, because I know that when I watched your videos before, I think in some of them, you advised us to like, try to avoid talking about the relationship. And so if he brought it up himself, like I would just answer him was like a short answer, but I would kind of change the topic, redirect it to something else. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I think he noticed that a lot. Because he just kept asking more deeper questions like, oh, because I never, I never knew if he ever, like thought about me, because he kept ignoring me all the time. I never knew how he felt. I thought he was like, completely over me. And then he would bring it up himself and be like, oh, yeah, I watched I always watch your stories. And I saw you went to this place. And I was like, Oh, I didn’t know you paid attention to that. But it really proves that they do pay attention when you post something online. It may seem like they’re not looking, but I feel like they right.

Chris Seiter 07:20
I try to tell people in the group that all the time and it’s like, in one ear out the other. They don’t really believe me, but having you come on and say it. Yeah, I think that’ll be helpful for them.

Kelsey 07:32
Oh, for sure. I’ve like I 100% thought he did not care what I was posting. So to hear him say like, oh, yeah, I remember. And he would remember little details to like, I remember you went to this park. And so I was really amazed. And I was like, Oh, wow, he actually pays attention to my stories. So yeah, that was really great. No, and after that we would. So he over here, so I live in Vancouver, BC in Canada. And so like it’s been a really big thing with food deliveries and stuff with like, us, like skip the dishes. Uber Eats. I don’t know if you’ve heard of that. I don’t know what it’s like. Yeah, I

Chris Seiter 08:15
mean, unfortunately, I feel like I live on that much. I’ve had to cut back. Yeah, yeah. DoorDash is pretty popular here. Not so much. Uber Eats DoorDash GrubHub. Okay, okay. Yeah, guys have that up there. I’m sure, right.

Kelsey 08:30
Yes. Yeah, we do. Yeah. So with the food deliveries. I thought there were definitely like times where it was on and off when I would see him and he would be the complete opposite of like, being really happy to see me he’d look like kind of depressed. And he would tell me Oh, I don’t think we should hang out or be friends or something like that. And I was like,

Chris Seiter 08:55
hot and cold. Yes. Yeah. Go from like meeting you in person saying like, Oh, I’m watching your stories to just sort of like giving you the brush back.

Kelsey 09:05
Yeah, yeah, exactly. And it was so annoying at times, because I was like, I don’t know where this is going. But I have to like respect what he’s asking. So I don’t want to push too much. So can

Chris Seiter 09:18
can ask a clarifying question. Yeah, yeah. Where? Where does the food delivery aspect come in?

Kelsey 09:24
Oh, yeah. I was just getting to that. So he so he would be like, Oh, I don’t want to hang out as friends or anything like that. But he would find a way to hang out with me somehow. And that’s where the food delivery would come in. Because he would be like, Oh, I think we could deliver food together and it came out of nowhere. Because, ya know, it was even work. I know. It was so weird because, yeah, because he would usually deliver food like in his spare time on his scooter. But like he wanted to deliver food with me in my cars. I see. Okay,

Chris Seiter 10:05
so he works for like a DoorDash GrubHub Uber Eats type thing. And he would invite you along to as you go on the runs. Ah, yeah. Okay. Now it makes sense.

Kelsey 10:17
Yeah. And at first I was like, oh, maybe he’s just being friendly. But I would like talk to my battle buddies. And they would be like, No, I think he just wants to spend more time with you. Because it wasn’t just one time. Like, he would always ask, Oh, let’s let’s deliver this day. And then he would want to always meet up like every single day. And there would be a point where I’d have to be like, no, because I don’t want him to get used to me being available all the time. So yeah, so but it was really interesting, because he would always be like, Oh, I don’t think we should hang out. And then he would always find a way to, to hang out somehow, like, food delivery. So yeah, it was really, it was really weird. But it was really interesting, too, at the same time. It’s like he was very hot and cold, like you said. But then eventually, we we started hanging out more. And there were a lot more positive interactions. And he even told me because I actually, I think, was it I’m not sure if it was the book, was it? I’m not sure. But I downloaded something of becoming UG. I forgot what that stood for. But I Oh, yes. Yes. That ungettable Yeah. And so I remember, I downloaded that. And I kept reading that every single day. And like, just doing new things on my own. And I hung out with my friends so much, that was probably the most I’ve ever hung out with them. But when I saw him, he would actually tell me, oh, like, I noticed, you’re like a completely different person. And it’s so cool. So I was like, Oh, wow, I didn’t. That’s amazing that he’s noticing these changes, and I didn’t even bring it up myself.

Chris Seiter 12:04
You were posting on on social media, though.

Kelsey 12:08
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I would just like post different places of like, where I was going, and whenever I was out with friends, and apparently he noticed that a lot. So he would bring that up. And he would, and like, I started going to the gym as well. And he would point that out as well, like, oh, I can see you’re becoming so fit and so healthy. And then I feel like he definitely at the beginning of the breakup, I saw, he was really trying hard to look good. Like you started going to the gym every single day. And then after about a month after the breakup, he looked like he became so depressed. And I feel like it’s so related to the videos that you’ve made, where the breakups hit them harder, like later on. And it just that it really proved that to me like it for like for girls. It’s so different because we go through it right away. And I, I still think that he was in a fearful avoidant, because of like, he like he kept pushing me away. And then he still wanted to hang out with me. And so like, it was really interesting. It was hard to because it like it felt like there was no progress at all some at some points. But then it started picking up a lot more and I think it was in late May. So I think that’s, I think that’s four months or

Chris Seiter 13:43
Yeah, February. March. Yeah. But three and a half months, probably three,

Kelsey 13:48
yeah, three and a half months, something like that. So yeah. So that’s when we started hanging out more. And then we actually decided to go on this trip together to the island, which is not to it’s like an hour ferry ride. Because we used to go to the island before and he thought that it would be something fun. So I just agreed to going on the trip to see how things would be if it was just us. So it ended up being one of the best trips that I’ve been on. And I feel like our relationship now is so different from before because I know that before in our previous relationship, I know that I was very clingy. And I can admit that I was very clingy. And I was very dependent on him. And I think he saw that as well. So I would say that the breakup really taught me a lot of things and like finding the program and reading the UG stuff and just talking with other people going through similar things has helped me so much because I feel like the program is not now necessarily to get your ex back, but it’s to like find find yourself and like, find your self confidence. And while you do that, like it’s a bonus to get them back. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it was really nice.

Chris Seiter 15:19
So, at this point, you’re, I mean, your story is kind of interesting. So you are, let me just kind of summarize this far, you originally tried to do a 30 day No Contact Rule way back at the beginning. But that shifts into a 45 day no contact, when that 45 days is up, he asks you to see him, you obviously see each other. And then he kind of starts, you know, being a little hot and cold, which is kind of typical after a breakup and invite you on for the Uber Eats, drive along, which is kind of funny. And then it kind of it kind of grows from there and eventually coalesces into this trip. Yeah, where which I guess can be kind of considered more of a romantic type environment, you’re going to an island together, just the two of you. It’s a romantic type thing. At any point, you’re acting like a couple here, but Oh, yeah. You haven’t really gotten the confirmation or had the commitment talk just yet.

Kelsey 16:21
Yes. So on that trip, actually, it came up. Because I don’t know I wanted clarity for myself, because I didn’t want to be stuck in this position where, like, we were acting like a couple, but we weren’t a couple because that was ultimately the goal. So I wanted to bring that up really briefly. And he was very open to talk about it, too. Like he was actually getting really deep into it. And he was telling me how he enjoys being around me. And he realizes that he’s like he’s tried to, that’s another thing I didn’t add like he was he tried to talk to like a, like another girl from his work or something. And that didn’t work.

Chris Seiter 17:07
greener. He sort of realized, Oh, I had Kelsey.

Kelsey 17:12
Yeah, yeah, exactly. So he was like, I just know that we were together for a reason before. And he and he admitted, like even today, he he felt he felt like he was in denial a lot of the time. And he just didn’t want to, he just didn’t want to admit it to himself. And I didn’t even ask him about that, too. You just said that to me. So.

Chris Seiter 17:39
So do you mind if I ask you a few questions, because it’s interesting. I had a coaching call with a woman last Friday, and she’s really close to getting your ex back. Like, okay, yeah, like super. But the one thing is they’re basically doing everything No, intimacy row, you know, they’re not crossing the the sleeping together line. But they’re pretty much doing everything that a couple would do. But she’s having trouble getting a commitment out of him. She She’s worried of engaging the talk, and that’s in he’s gonna reject her outright. So how did you approach that? Wasn’t him that brought that up? Or did you end up kind of bring it up? And if you didn’t bring up did what was like the moment you chose to bring it up?

Kelsey 18:24
Um, so it was me who brought it up. So I chose to like we had like a really fun day. And I chose to bring it up. Like, right at the end of the day, when it was just like, when the sun was going down. And the view was looking nice. Yeah, so see, you’re

Chris Seiter 18:39
you’re like, perfect. Yes, exactly what I advised her, it’s us a little a little tentative, but I understand why she’s afraid of getting rejected. But how did that go for you when you did it that way?

Kelsey 18:51
I was honestly, so nervous on the inside, because I didn’t know what he would say. But I felt like I had nothing to lose because I knew it was going really well. So if he actually was like willing to get back together with me, then he would be open to talking about it. And so I just went for it. And it ended up going really well. And we came home and and he just he just started calling me as partner. So yeah, yeah, it was easy. Yeah.

Chris Seiter 19:26
Okay. So but I mean, that’s one way is to look at it like you had nothing to lose. But I would argue you had a ton to lose because you’re stuck on an island with you, you’re stuck with someone. But in a weird way that might have worked in your favor, because it wouldn’t make him take it more seriously then. Yeah, and but what’s interesting is before we kind of started this interview, I was trying to get a little bit of a backstory on your situation, but I couldn’t find much but I did find that your two battle buddies they didn’t get their exes back but they moved on to someone new and are happy with those new people. Which I think harkens back to what you were just saying, which is like, the point of the program that we teach isn’t necessarily to get your ex back, it’s kind of get yourself back. And if you can do that, usually the circumstances you either Attract Your Ex Back or you attract someone better than your act. So it’s kind of a win win. Yes,

Kelsey 20:20
yes, exactly. Yep.

Chris Seiter 20:23
Okay, so you have this very romantic getaway to this fun Island, which is such a cool, I’m gonna have to try to recommend someone to do the coaching. Take them to an island. So you take you go to the islands, you’re back together? And how does the rest work out from there? Like how have things been since you’ve been official? Again,

Kelsey 20:50
it’s been really like, I, it’s been so great. Like, it’s completely different from before. Like, I think it’s because I don’t depend on him as much. And I can do things on my own now. Whereas before, I would always do things together with him. And I think it’s very important to realize that you have to be able to live on your own. And when you do have someone that you’re with, it’s like kind of a bonus, like they’re just an added part to your life, but you can’t make them your whole life. Because then you become too dependent on them. But also working as a team together to just become better as people too.

Chris Seiter 21:39
Do you mind if I dig in a little bit on this? Because really what you’re talking about is sort of the issue of codependence and why it’s not sort of a good outcome if you’re too codependent on each other. But what I’m what I want to dig in about is actually to go back to your kind of how you caught it, or how he courted you. Were you pretty dependent? Like when you look back before all the breakup, and when you’re getting your first relationship sort of set up? Yeah, he’s sort of wooing you, so to speak. You weren’t dependent or anxious at all? Were you? No, no, I wasn’t. So my argument would be that he fell in love with that type of a person. But over the course of a relationship, you probably got triggered with your anxiousness or triggered with your dependent so much. Oh, yeah. And that may be repelled him. But what’s interesting is you got a lot of like on the breakup, he said, like, I’m in love with you, but I’m not in love with you kind of. Yeah, yes, yes. Right. Did you ever like after the fact when you got him back kind of asked him about that? Like, what was the feeling in the breakup moment?

Kelsey 22:51
Yeah, I mean, we talked about that. And he did say that, he felt like he couldn’t have his own space. And I do you remember, he would always ask for space. And I never gave that to him. And that was something that I really regretted after the breakup. And so now, like, we’re really good at giving each other space now, so it’s, it’s so different?

Chris Seiter 23:14
Well, that’s kind of amazing, because all right, so I’m going to tell you a couple stories. Number one is the space thing. So when someone signs up for coaching with me, Jen, or one of our team members, or coaches, they’re asked to fill out kind of a breakdown to their situation, not like too long, but enough. And what’s really interesting is I’ve been doing this for close to 10 years now. 10 years exactly, which really makes me feel old. But I’ve been doing this for 10 years. So I’ve seen like a ton of situations. And I started I think I started coaching in 2015, or 2016. But we started getting these these Intake Forms coming in. And the one consistent pattern I’ve noticed is what you just said like identical, the ex asked for space in the relationship and the person wouldn’t give it to them. Like you’re actually not alone in that that is super, super common. But what what I find more inspiring about your situation is the fact that a lot of people, we can get them, we can help them create an environment where an ex is conducive to come back. But the work doesn’t really stop there. Because there’s issues in the relationship that are present that you have to kind of address. And to me, it seems like this was the big issue, the dependency that you had on him or what have you and his inability to need space or what have you. But you seem to have actually corrected it. You seem to have like made the change and stuck with it. And I think you’ve been together with him for a while now. Yeah,

Kelsey 24:48
yes. Yeah. i Well, it’s been since late May and and now it’s like it’s already Yeah, it’s already it’s already been like past Two years since the breakup, too, so, yeah,

Chris Seiter 25:03
that’s funny. I mean, like that, to me is a real success story. Because we, you know, sometimes we’ll get on these interviews and we’ll talk to people and they’ve been back with their ex for like a month. We’re just getting them sort of during the honeymoon period. So it’s kind of hard to sort of check back on them. Yeah. But what what I did another interesting study, sorry, I’m rambling too much. But I did another interesting study a couple of weeks ago, where I went, I picked 12 success stories, then I went and audit them, I went and either asked the person or knew enough from their postings in the group to see if they were still together with their ex. And I was trying to figure out, like, I knew how long it took them to get their ex back. And I was trying to figure out the people who took longer to get their exes back. Do they end up staying together? versus the people who get back really, really quickly? And what we found is that there is actually a pretty interesting correlation between people who take longer to get back together and having a better chance of staying together. And I don’t know, it just seems interesting, because you’re kind of, you’re kind of proof of that, you know, you’re still together after a year, and things seem to be going really well.

Kelsey 26:13
Yeah. Really well, it’s, it’s been amazing. And it did feel like a really long time, because I like after the first month of being broken up. I, it was hard for me to still have hope, because I felt like he was just drifting away. But then I use that time to just work on myself. And then those months went by a lot faster than then it felt like before, and then just everything just fell into place. And it was really nice. When you look back

Chris Seiter 26:47
on your entire breakup recovery, ex boyfriend recovery experience, I guess, what would you say was the most important factor for you.

Kelsey 26:59
Um, the most important factor, I think it was definitely finding myself more like, I felt like, I kind of lost myself in the relationship before. Because I felt like he was part of my identity. And so I thought, it’s very important for me to find what I’m good at, find what I enjoy doing, and just continue doing that. And in the process, it would be nice to get him back at the same time. But also, just being happy with who I am. And I know that we all have like things we can improve on. And, but just knowing that I’m content at the end of the day, whether I get him back or not. And I even told him that too. So yeah,

Chris Seiter 27:52
yeah, I mean, what a pattern that we see a lot when we talk to success stories like yourself, is that getting over them? aspects, you know, it’s kind of like just having the confidence to know like, even if you don’t get, like what you just said, you know, I’m content if I get you back or not. And being authentic with that, and I think that’s the challenge most people struggle with. Because as I’m sure you’ve experienced, we go through the breakup. What is it you want more than anything, you want to fix the situation you want to get back? But yeah, it’s hard to take on faith that you kind of have to authentically be content with not getting them back before you can actually get them back. What would you say? You felt was the most impactful thing that you did to achieve that type of a mindset.

Kelsey 28:42
Um, well, it did help me to journal my feelings down, I would just write down how I felt every single day. And I would look back on it, to see my progress and seeing my progress really inspired me to keep going, and that I was getting somewhere because it felt like I wasn’t, but I saw the differences from the beginning and like, maybe a month later. And then I was like, Oh, if I if I can do this, like, if I’m happy right now, then I could be a lot happier in another month. And like, I won’t have to always think about getting him back. And I can just be happy on my own. So that that kind of thing.

Chris Seiter 29:25
Yeah, I mean, I just your success story. You know, I told you before we went, like I don’t even care if you use their program, and I just want to find out what you did that works. But a lot of what you’re saying is kind of what we recommend, which is sort of that yeah, get to that place emotionally where you’re able to let go before you try to get them back. And I’m sure a lot of people struggle with that. Oh, yeah. When we one interesting deviation that you seem to have made is you sort of skipped the value ladder you kind of like went to the meet up way quicker than normal. But I wouldn’t even argue that you didn’t so much because You were kind of forced into this limited no contact. So it already felt like you were kind of seeing each other every week. You said church, right? It was church that you would see.

Kelsey 30:10
Yeah. What was?

Chris Seiter 30:13
Can you take us back to some of those moments on? Was it just you waving? Or was it? Was there more to the limited contact that you did have in those 45 days?

Kelsey 30:24
Um, well, we have like this young adults group that we’re both a part of, and it’s just, it’s quite a small group. Like, there’s only about 10 to 1212 of us in it. And so it was really awkward at the beginning. Because, right when, when the breakup happened, like, not everyone knew that we weren’t together anymore. So it was really awkward for me. And so like, when it got to that point where we were, like, smiling at each other like it, that took a long time, and that was probably not until like, two months after the breakup, where he would feel comfortable waving at me, I felt like he was the one who was to, like, he didn’t want to make eye contact at all. So

Chris Seiter 31:14
he’s like, overcorrecting, you know? Yeah,

Kelsey 31:16
yeah, I could tell that he looked nervous. And like he looked really anxious to whenever I was around. So yeah, it did start with just waving and then eventually, he was able to say, Hi. But yeah, I felt like it was a lot harder for him to do that. And like, not just me, like, for me, I felt like I could totally just say hi, anytime, or wave at any time, because I felt very confident in myself at the time. So, but I just, I wanted to mirror his actions, too. So I just waited for him to feel comfortable in doing that first.

Chris Seiter 31:58
Plus, you’re posting on social media, you were kind of getting to that place emotionally. And you also made mention of kind of the meme thing, which is like, you know, like, There’s that famous meme of how girls react to breakups versus how guys react to breakups. Opposite will like you kind of I felt like he kind of lived that, you know, you’re really struggling at first and then over time, he got better than he’s sort of like partying at first and having fun. And then over time, he realizes how miserable he is. You kind of are proof that that meme does exist and has some validity.

Kelsey 32:32
Yeah.

Chris Seiter 32:35
I just wanted to say thank you so much and kind of coming on and sharing this really inspiring story.

Kelsey 32:41
Yeah, of course. I really enjoyed talking about it because it is really cool. Still to me like to this till this day. I find it amazing on how it turned out. So it’s really cool talking about it.

Chris Seiter 32:54
Next is marriage. Next is the baby’s fence. We got to we got to get you there.

Kelsey 33:00
Yeah, yeah.

The post Success Story: He Said “I Don’t Feel In Love With You” And Then Came Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today’s success story is going to be unique.

Avid listeners of the podcast will have probably heard me say,

On again/off again relationships are among the easiest situations to succeed in but one of the hardest situations to keep together

Well, my interview with Kimberly today kind of proves this as she takes us through what it’s like to be in one of these situations. So, what starts as a success story kind of ends up as a pseudo coaching session by the end as we go over how to prevent an “off again” phase from happening.

SummaryHere’s a quick summary of our conversation:

• The breakup and how she got her ex back
• Rekindling the relationship after the breakup
• Going over the factors that drew him back in
• The on again/off again experience
• Setting boundaries
• Mystery vs. stability
• Planning a spontaneous family outing
• The importance of being ungettable

Interview TranscriptChris Seiter 00:02
All right, today we have a success story interview with Kimberly. Kimberly ended up. I don’t know how we found you. Exactly. I think my wife found you instead of the interview between us. Yes, she did. Okay, so somehow my wife found Kimberly. So I’m just for the state of honesty here. I’m coming into this completely blind. I don’t know anything about Kimberly success story. So that’s gonna make for an excellent interview. But I just wanted to say thank you so much for coming on and doing this Kimberly. No problem. I’m excited. All right, so let’s go back to the Dark Ages back when you’re going obviously, through this breakup? Can you give us a little bit of a background on the breakup and how you came into the Ex Recovery orbit?

Kimberly 00:45
So we broke up and it was pretty bad one. I did the netting a lot of probably for about a month before I found the program. And I was just online looking up, you know, ways I could progress myself so that I could get him back. Or ways I could, you know, it was more manipulation, trying to get him back type thing. But I found the group or found the program I paid for it joined. And then immediately, well, within like half a month, maybe within joining the group, I went into no contact, I didn’t do very well with it, it was not a very good experience for me, I will get several times

Chris Seiter 01:28
how many is several times

Kimberly 01:31
I think it was three. Oh, since I joined the program. But it was within a short period of time. And the last time that I broke it, he actually put another girl on the phone who told me that she was his girlfriend, which I later found out she was not that he just did that to get me to leave him alone. But that’s kind of put it into it for me. And I was like Okay, so I’m going to I’m going to finish my new contact and I did the Trinity. I did the calendars. I had a calendar right next to my Work calendar, and I would do all the activities I put on it every day. I actually forgot to do my reach out. It was time for my reach out. And I had drafted it, put it in the group. But I was so busy doing stuff that I just completely forgot. And then I did it. He didn’t respond. I waited the time did another one he didn’t respond. And he and so I just decided not to do it any anymore. after that. I just I went you know without moving on.

Chris Seiter 02:37
Gave up base. Yeah. Do you? Do you recall what the reach outs were? Were they kind of like the ERP type reach outs or did you put your own? Yes,

Kimberly 02:45
they were the ERP. And they were his top interest it was in regards to recording music. Because he’s a DJ or he does DJ and does music. But I didn’t know he did not at all. I don’t know if he I don’t even know if he changed his number. At the time. I didn’t even know if he changed his number because I was hard blocked everywhere. I forgot to say that I was like everywhere, like tick tock, Snapchat, everything. He bought me everywhere. So he

Chris Seiter 03:15
blocked you. But you still felt like you had the phone. He didn’t block you texting wise.

Kimberly 03:23
He did. But I thought that maybe after all that time past, it was possible that he unblocked me. So I went ahead and did my reach outs via phone. But I could tell from other places that I was heart blocked. So I didn’t do it that way. I just did it over the phone. But he didn’t respond to either one. And then within like two months, he just reappeared. He was like, Hey, how you doing? You know, like, I just disappeared for eight months. But hey, so it was just kind of interesting, because that was the first time and then we broke up again. And I kind of messed that one up. I didn’t follow the

Chris Seiter 04:06
let’s, let’s hit the let’s hit the brakes here for a little bit. So he he basically has you heard locked everywhere. You’re not even sure if he even got the original DJ type text messages. And then after a couple of months, he just reaches out to you and you’re able to rekindle things and get back into a relationship. Yes. Okay. And then he breaks up with you again.

Kimberly 04:29
Yes. And he admitted that he got my texts. We did. Okay, so we’ve got my

Chris Seiter 04:35
blocked on the phone, you know, we kind of assumed correctly. But did he give any insight about why he didn’t respond to the texts?

Kimberly 04:45
He told me that he didn’t feel like he was in a good place to talk to me at the time. I think that his life was just going downhill. And he didn’t feel adequate enough. I guess he didn’t really say that but just the way that he told me If that’s what it seemed like, and then I gave up, and he told me that he could feel that pull away because of the fact that I reached out. And he didn’t respond and I stopped reaching out.

Chris Seiter 05:15
Were maybe in the past you had done that just came.

Kimberly 05:20
In the past, I was constantly like trying to get a conversation over with with him.

Chris Seiter 05:27
Okay, so obviously, you’re back together, yay. And then how long does that relationship lasts before you kind of hit the off again phase

Kimberly 05:34
that lasted four months, the first time we lived together the second time we did not. We took it, I took it a lot slower the second time. Not in the beginning. I didn’t, but we kind of slowed it down. And he actually wanted to take it slower as well. But I don’t know if he had some things going on in his life in the background that I didn’t know about. Because one day he was just like, this is way too much for me. And again,

Chris Seiter 06:02
any signs at all that you kind of picked up on or what for you? Was it out of the blue?

Kimberly 06:09
Yeah, there were signs he started pulling away, he started not wanting to see me or canceling plans. He started not really talking as much because in the beginning, he was very much wanting to rekindle things and then he would kind of fall away.

Chris Seiter 06:27
How did you personally react to that? Were you did you kind of fall back into the anxious tendencies when he would pull away like that?

Kimberly 06:36
Sometimes I did. And sometimes I really stuck with being more secure and just let him have a space. It really depended on the issue. Like sometimes he was a little jealous about things, and then I would kind of get more anxious. But if it was just like, hey, I’m busy. I really can’t deal with this right now. I would give him a space.

Chris Seiter 06:59
The irony of the guy who put the fake girlfriend on the phone being jealous is funny to me. Yeah.

Kimberly 07:05
He’s an ironic man, for sure.

Chris Seiter 07:09
Okay, so basically, you’re going through another breakup, you’re kind of back to where you started again, what happens next.

Kimberly 07:16
I immediately when I went in, and a contact, he actually broke up with me over Facebook Messenger. And I didn’t actually get to see him. Because the first time we broke up, I physically saw him and we talked about it. But the second time, he was just completely in avoidant mode. And he just did it over text and blocked me immediately. So I didn’t try to reach out, I just left it at that. And we immediately went into no contact, did the process all over again. Did my reach outs I did to reach out, he didn’t respond. And this time, I think he changed. So it’s deja vu, right. And it’s kind of funny, because we were together eight months, the first time and apart eight months. And then we were together for months and apart for months.

Chris Seiter 08:02
Okay, you’re saying this guy’s got a pattern

Kimberly 08:05
he does. He definitely has a pattern. Um, but he didn’t reach at it and respond to either one of those, as well. And then he reached out to me within because it was added a month, no contact, and with it. So within three months, because we were apart for four months, he reached out to me from a different phone number, didn’t identify himself. And I think it was a burner phone number or like a text now phone number because I have a friend who has one of those apps that can pull it up. And it wouldn’t pull up who the owner was, while two days later, I didn’t respond to that. Two days later, he reached out again with his actual phone number and told me who he was. And then he

Chris Seiter 08:51
wanted to ever get some insight into why he did that. No,

Kimberly 08:55
I didn’t. I didn’t even ask him about it. Because I didn’t want to assume that it was him. But just the fact that he reached out two days later. Just told me it was him. So yeah.

Chris Seiter 09:09
He’s thinking about you for sure. So obviously, he reaches out. I’m assuming you begin to rekindle things from there.

Kimberly 09:18
Yes. And we are together right now. But we’re still we’re still having a lot of problems.

Chris Seiter 09:27
Okay, so this is interesting. So basically, you are together. How long have you been together?

Kimberly 09:34
We got together right after Thanksgiving. This past Thanksgiving.

Chris Seiter 09:39
So you’ve been together a pretty longer stint this time than last time. Yeah, the last off again face. So before we kind of go into the problem areas, I’m actually kind of curious into helping people listening to this understand what you did that You felt worked? Like? What were the factors that kept drawing him back in kept having him be the one to reach out first Do you feel made the biggest difference?

Kimberly 10:10
I think that giving him that space and focusing on myself, the whole idea of being ungettable is probably the biggest thing because I went skydiving, and I put that on Facebook. And I went to a concert. And I, you know, I put that on Facebook. And I think that he was watching me through that I were a no, he was watching me through that, because he knew I went skydiving when we work together. And so it’s, I really think that that’s it because he seems he’s always been the kind of guy who, like, wanted a girl who was a go getter. And that was not who I was when we first got together. And so I really worked on those things, when we broke up when I found the program. And I think that that is a big part of what drew him back in. Because the cutting and the the constantly needing reassurance type thing really is the biggest things that he would run from. But when that wasn’t what I was doing, he was coming back.

Chris Seiter 11:22
So it was sort of like you projecting that go getting ungettable attitude through the social media that would throw him back in. And I mean, obviously, we’re kind of also skipping a few parts here with the rekindling aspect. How did the actual texting phase meet up phase, all that stuff? Go? Did you have any special strategies or tricks or tips for anyone who’s sort of stuck in that Limbo area?

Kimberly 11:52
We didn’t see or I didn’t stick straight to the program in that phase. But I did take bits and pieces out of it. Like I didn’t meet up immediately. I kept him wandering on things, I took a while to respond back to texts.

Chris Seiter 12:08
You were like unavailable, right? Even when even when you were really available.

Kimberly 12:12
Right? I was really, and I’m always available. I’m a State lot. I work at home, and I’m a single mom. So I really don’t do a whole lot. But I look like a

Chris Seiter 12:24
single mom. I mean, I got two kids my own. And that’s like a full time gig right there on top of work. So don’t sell yourself short, you’re doing a lot.

Kimberly 12:36
Well, I don’t do a lot of outside of that, I guess I should say. But in my process of becoming ungettable, I started to do more adding more things to my life. And so he kind of picked up on that when we first started talking again as well, because I wasn’t I wasn’t running to his every need. I wasn’t right there. Every time he wanted to see me I was doing things for myself doing things with my friends saying no to him, so I could go hang out with my friends. That was a big thing that I changed that I think really helped him realize I had made a change. And I think that’s a big part of why we rekindled but we did move a little bit too fast the second time. And this time has probably been even faster because he’s back living here with me. So

Chris Seiter 13:31
he’s living so the first time you didn’t. So you’ve been sort of the on again off again, couple four to go rounds. Now you’ve kind of went around that circle twice. So the first time was a four month stint. And you felt like you move pretty fast then but you’re even faster now. Yeah. With how things have progressed.

Kimberly 13:54
Yeah, cuz the first time we lived together for eight months, or we didn’t live together for eight months, we were together for eight months. And we’ve lived together for two months. And then he left and we were together for for the second time. And now we’ve been together for since November. And he’s been here for two months.

Chris Seiter 14:13
Interesting. Okay, so do you mind if I ask who asked who? For who back out of that sort of let’s be back together conversation unfold.

Kimberly 14:24
Oh, he asked those times. Both times.

Chris Seiter 14:29
Okay. So I guess what’s interesting is, this is a classic case of the on again off again, sort of situation being kind of one of the easier situations to get an ex back in, but I guess the problems that you’re having are well, how do I stop it from being off again? Is that do I have that kind of right? Yes, definitely. Okay. So what what is like the catalyst of these, these breakups that would occur?

Kimberly 14:54
I think the first time it was both of us, it was the A lot of pressure from me because I am a single mom, I have a mortgage, I have a car payment, I have all these things. And he I mean, he is responsible. But he doesn’t like he doesn’t have a child, he doesn’t have, you know, he doesn’t have a mortgage, he was only paying rent somewhere, and he just doesn’t have a lot of pressure on him. And when he was staying here, I was putting that pressure on, and I think he just couldn’t handle it. And so we were fighting, and I wasn’t handling this fights properly either.

Chris Seiter 15:34
Well, so he’s not the biological father of the child, right? Yeah. No. Okay. So the reason I say that is I was reading this really into, or rather, I was listening. Yesterday, I had to go fill my car up for gas. And I was listening to podcasts on the way to the gas station. And I was listening to this really interesting discussion about fatherhood. And what happens to the male brain when they see their child for the first time. And there’s like, there’s something that happens with the male brain where they become less impulsive. And they’re almost because they know like, Okay, well, that child’s reliant on me. And I kind of assume, I haven’t been able to verify this, but I assume the same thing kind of happens for women. But it’s interesting, because he’s not the biological father, he still might be caught in that zone, where he’s a little bit more wants to be more spontaneous. Do you feel like that’s a correct thing? Or is he kind of one of those, stay at home stay in type introvert individuals? Or is he always wanted to go out and you’re just not able to come? Is that a friction issue?

Kimberly 16:44
It is, he’s kind of a mix of both. He likes to be at home. But he also loves to be out with his friends doing things he loves to go to, he listens to drum and bass, and he loves to go to drum and bass shows. And I’m not real big on the club scene. So I’ve been to one with him. And that didn’t turn out very well for me and did for him, but not for me. But, so he’s a little mix of both. But he definitely has that spontaneous. He’s a very creative minded person. And he’s always got projects going on. And I’m like, I want to sit still, when I get off work, so we would clash in that area?

Chris Seiter 17:29
A lot. Yeah, I mean, I can come at it from your point of view, I’m a dad, I’m very close with my wife, I can kind of see what it’s like to be a mom, I sort of don’t want to go out a lot. You know, when you have kids, I think especially maybe you’ll resonate with this, you know, you’re working all day, and then you come home, and it feels kind of like you don’t ever get any off time. Because, you know, kids are kind of a 24 hour type deal on top of work. And I’m not sure he kind of understands that. So I think, really, the way to handle any kind of arguments about that situation isn’t necessarily to accuse him, but you help him understand your point of view a little bit better. But ultimately, for the relationship to thrive, you’re going to have to or both of you will have to compromise a little bit. I’m not saying you have to go out with him. But I’m saying well, if you go out with him, he should also do something that you want to do that he kinda doesn’t want to do. And but I think like when there’s a kid involved, you always should prioritize the kids well being and what I think probably will help the child is a more stable, consistent relationship. But it seems to me like you guys have lasted longer this stint this stint, I guess, what do you feel like has been the cause of that?

Kimberly 18:58
Ultimately, I think it’s the work that I’ve done on myself. And we had a discussion the second time we got back together or the after the first breakup, when we got back together about the fact that I was working on these things. I was in therapy. And I was like, you know, when we’re together, you’re gonna have to work on these things, too. And I think he actually picked that up a little bit and started working on some things he doesn’t know about the group. I’ve told him a little bit about attachment styles. So it’s always better

Chris Seiter 19:30
that it’s, it’s always better the attachment style stuff coming from someone else that’s not you. It’s like literally like a shoot the messenger type thing, because it can come off accusatory if you say it the wrong way. But if someone you know, like quickly explains it to them. Then it clicked for him. I found sorry, so sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.

Kimberly 19:53
Oh, you’re fine. I’m sure that he probably did some research after I mentioned it. And that’s probably What sparked some of these changes? But I’m just speculating. He’s not very open about stuff like that. And that’s another big part of why we can’t talk about these things, because he’s not very emotionally open. But I really do you think that this time around, he did a lot of work, I did a lot of work, there’s still a lot of work that needs to be done. But he’s realizing that, when he make it makes a commitment like that he needs to stick to it. And I think that’s a big part of it. Well, I

Chris Seiter 20:36
think that goes back to the boundary thing. So if he doesn’t stick to it, you have to set the boundary of Well, I’m not going to be with someone who’s not willing to do that for me. And that’s kind of what a secure person would do anyways, they’re not going to allow themselves to be put in a situation where they’re taken advantage of, or things are kind of completely unfair, or one sided. So the scary The scary thing is, it’s one of those situations where if you find it’s completely one sided, then you might need set the boundary and basically be like, hey, look, like I get that you want to do all this stuff and go out and have fun. But I’m a mom, I can’t always do that. I’m happy to accommodate that every once in a while. But if you’re not going to get with the program, I can find someone else better. And being able to act on that and him feeling that can all can sort of create the boundary for what she can realize, oh, this is really serious. I need to buckle down a little bit here. So a lot of is going to be setting boundaries and setting healthy ones and fair ones. I mean, I’m sure one of the things that you’ve gotten a little bit better at is not giving into your anxious side, potentially when he starts pulling away. Have you felt like that has made a difference? This didn’t? Yes,

Kimberly 21:50
it definitely has. Cuz before it was, you know, I would lay on the texting the when he lived here, it was like I wanted to have that conversation right then. And he’s like, immediately I want to run away. And now it’s when he comes to me and he is expressing that he does not want to talk about something or he’s not ready to deal with something, I just find something else to do. Or I go and hang out with my friends. And it’s it’s really helped a lot because he will actually then turn around and come to me when he’s ready.

Chris Seiter 22:25
Yeah, I mean, I think kind of the thing I see people struggle with the most when they end up successfully getting their exes back as you have is that whole sort of idea of you know, when they pull away you pull away because it’s so hard for a naturally anxious person to do they just want to fix the problem write that in there. But the way I try to always explain it to clients is it’s a lot like speaking a dismissive avoidance language. Now I’m not sure if he’s dismissive avoidant he seems kind of dismissive avoidant to me, but did you ever kind of ask him to take one of those attachment style tests to see where he came he kind of came out as

Kimberly 23:07
I’ve asked him to, but he wouldn’t do it. And but I right. I told him that too. I was like, it’s fun to find out, you know, what’s your coping mechanisms are but he he wouldn’t do it but I did take one for him. Just so I could get a better idea and it came out dismissive avoidant.

Chris Seiter 23:29
Yeah, I mean, a lot of what you’ve described here is sort of very classic dismissive avoidant behavior especially on again off again, relationships for finding any kind of fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant, they’ll tend to have specifically fearful avoidance actually more than dismissive avoidance tend to have more volatile on again, off again, relationships. But I have noticed certainly a pattern of dismissive avoidance falling into these on again, off again, relationships and really the thing that I think most people mess up with, is not being patient. With the dismissive avoidant, you almost have to learn to speak their language when they’re pulling away, the worst thing you can do is kind of badger them. It’s exactly what you’re doing is kind of you finding something else to do until they’re ready to have the conversation. So I mean, I think that is an important thing to do for the survivability of that relationship. But I also do think in order for it to work, you’re going to have to play around with that stability and mystery scale. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard me talk. Have you ever heard her? You talking about that before? Some Yeah. Okay, so Well, the reason I bring it up is he probably subconsciously views you as the Stability Mechanism. And that’s good, but what’s probably lacking is some of the adventure spontaneity, or whatever. And what’s interesting is he was drawn to you when you did those things. You’re posting the skydiving stuff. What else did you What else would you say you did? You posted? Not to comment.

Kimberly 25:00
hurts. Yeah, I went to concerts. We did like some mountain hiking, I posted that, just so a few things.

Chris Seiter 25:10
Yeah. But I mean, all those are very spontaneous, adventurous type things. And I’m assuming his soul yearns for those type of experiences. So I would say one of the smart things that you can do if you want to tap into that a little bit is do any kind of outdoor activity together like going on a hike together, like work those into the routine. So I think just by nature, you’re you’re a mom, you have a job, there’s a certain aspect of you that is just naturally going to be more stable than more mystery based. But that doesn’t mean you can’t sprinkle mystery in and I think that’s kind of what he’s yearning for. And I bet you what will happen is if you can come consistently create these patterns where you’re having the stable time, but also doing these small, adventurous type of spontaneity is spontaneous. I can’t talk today. You get what I’m saying? Spawn spontaneity type things, I bet you’ll find he starts to open up to you in a way that he hasn’t before. Especially if you kind of stick to the when he pulls back, you pull back type of coping mechanism for him. Because I think the real trust is built when you actually trust someone and dismissive avoidance takes a long time to build their trust to where they’re comfortable enough opening up. I kind of get the sense he’s not even open to going to any kind of therapy, like couples therapy together at all.

Kimberly 26:35
No, we’ve talked about it. And he, he agreed at one point to do like one of those apps where we would answer questions to communicate like that, but we never actually did it. I’m in therapy, he will not go to therapy. And I don’t know what his reasoning behind that is. He has a lot of trauma that’s caused his dismissive avoidant behavior. And I don’t know why he won’t get therapy, but it would be great if he would, because it would be really good for us.

Chris Seiter 27:12
Yeah, I mean, I’ve I came out as a dismissive avoidant, I didn’t really have much of a traumatic childhood. But I did have a couple of very traumatic relationship experiences. And also some life experiences and different things throughout your life and experiences can can shape your attachment style. And I was even resistant to getting any kind of therapy. So the only thing I can really bring to you is my point of view. And as weird as it sounds, for dismissive avoidant, agreeing to go to therapy means you have a problem, and dismissive of what it’s like to be independent by nature. And they don’t like relying on other people for help. And that’s what therapy really is. So I think that’s kind of a difficult thing to go or agree to. But what I bet will happen is if you continue to gain his trust, that might be a step he’s willing to, to do. I mean, what what I think we have here is a classic. Yeah, your success story. But you’re also kind of worried about falling victim to that on again, off again, phase that I’m always talking about. You don’t you’ve already actually experienced it. So I think the challenge for you is, from what I’m hearing, you’re doing kind of the right things. I’m just wondering if maybe one changes, you can maybe plan some sort of family outing where you do something spontaneous, to kind of feed that aspect of him. Do you feel like you’ve done that? Or have you been pretty stay at home type? Since you’ve gotten back together?

Kimberly 28:54
Yeah, in the beginning, I did. But it’s been, especially with our fighting, it’s been pretty minimal, of even wanting to go out and do anything. And we seem to be on an opposite spectrum all the time. Like when I do want to go out he doesn’t. And when he wants to go, I don’t. So

Chris Seiter 29:13
I mean, sometimes you just kind of have to force them. My wife is a lot like that, you know, say I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to do that. And then she’ll force me into it. And I’ll hate it until I actually started doing it, then I love it. So sometimes you just have to kind of force it to happen, because it’s for his own good to get out there. Which is which is interesting that he doesn’t want to that you’re on the the opposite schedules. But I think it kind of goes down to having honest conversations with one another and you being able to understand his point of view and repeating that back to him and also articulating your point of view. And I’m wondering if the disconnects potentially happening there, but you seem to be taking all the correct steps. He seems to not be taking any steps So you have to kind of LoL him with like, the analogy that always comes into my head with these kinds of things is, is the dog whisperer, or he tries to low dogs, he won’t come out of the crate with like treats and stuff. That’s kind of that’s kind of what I feel like you’re gonna have to do if you want him to kind of play a little bit. God, I gotta get off the dog analogy he’s.

Kimberly 30:25
And that’s a good idea, though. I mean, in the heat of the moment, you don’t really think about that. So I really need to take some time to pre plan for stuff like that. But I completely agree, I think it would really do him some good. If I was able to be more spontaneous.

Chris Seiter 30:43
Yeah, I mean, you can include your, your kid in the outing as well, you can do something together to kind of bond together as a family. Because I think the other thing that you really want to do is going back to that podcast I was listening to as you want him to look at the child as if it’s his own, so that he will actually start to be less impulsive and less spontaneous and be more stable, which I think is, from what I’m seeing, from my point of view, that’s where the big disconnect is, I think he’s kind of wanting more adventure and stability, or adventure and spontaneity and mystery, and you want more stability. And so you’re coming at it from this end of the spectrum, and he’s coming out of this end of the spectrum, and you kind of have to figure a way to meet out in the middle. But here’s the thing I’ve always learned as I’ve gotten older in life is the adventure and spontaneity is fine, but only in small doses. Because it’s, it’s, you can’t maintain it forever. And if you do have too much of it, it actually becomes boring, and you want to crave more stability. So I think you’re kind of on the right end of the spectrum. If you asked my opinion. He just also is there an age gap between the two of you?

Kimberly 31:58
He’s 34. And I am 36 actually

Chris Seiter 32:03
a little bit older, does he have any, any kids of his own or z.

Kimberly 32:07
So I said he doesn’t have he doesn’t have kids, but he does have a daughter, he just doesn’t have rights to his daughter. He has a he has a past in drugs. And he lost her eight years ago when she was a baby. So he’s never been a parent. Except or, you know, the first few months of her life.

Chris Seiter 32:26
I’m assuming that also has an impact on his attachment style and his coping mechanism and regret and scared of getting close. I’m assuming he’s taking care of all the substance abuse issues. Yes. Okay. Has there been any of that type of a situation when you’ve been together? Had that been a fight? Or is that kind of a long gone thing?

Kimberly 32:51
I’m not really I’ve had some suspicions, just because I’ve been with an addict before and I know kind of some of the behavior but they never played out to be true. Just but I think it’s just, I think it was just his be your in general having, you know, being an addict. I don’t think he was actually using, but he still has some of the like, secrecy behaviors. And he, you know, he’ll keep secrets about things that don’t even matter type thing. And just not not opening up being really closed off. But we haven’t had any major issues from that.

Chris Seiter 33:32
Okay. So I’m assuming also your experience in the past has led to some trauma and anxiety as well. And so what’s probably happening is you’re, you’re projecting your great fears onto him, when you get suspicion which aggravates your own anxiety, which causes you to not back when you were nodding. I will say, for the most part, it seems like you’re doing everything correctly. I mean, it’s one of those just difficult things that will take time. It’s not going to happen overnight. And I think anyone who assumes that there’s like some sort of special trick to it is just lying to you or giving you a false hope. It just takes time of you consistently creating the power of the patterns. I will also say it’s really important for you to maintain your boundaries. So you need to have your non negotiables if there’s non negotiables are crossed, then you need to drop him immediately. And that will do you a world of good not only from him realizing oh, she’s serious, but also you realizing, Oh, I could do this. I am cool on my own.

Kimberly 34:43
Yeah, I definitely got to that point in this process, or I was like, I kind of like being by myself. But yeah, I also love him a lot. So there’s, well,

Chris Seiter 34:56
I mean, I think there’s enough there to where it’s like you You just need to keep doing what you’re doing in a weird way. Maybe add in the spontaneity aspects to kind of feed that beast a little bit. Is there like a common theme among the fighting that’s happening? Is it always about him wanting to do more, and you’re not being able to?

Kimberly 35:20
No, it’s, it’s some that and then it’s some there are things that I expect. And he’s not used to, like I said, he doesn’t, you know, he doesn’t have his child. He doesn’t, he was always renting, but he would have a roommate. So it’s not like, he doesn’t understand the doing everything on his own. And when he’s here, there’s a lot of things that I expect out of him other than just going to work. And when I come to him and talk to him about that, I think that a lot of times, he hears me in a view of his trauma. And he doesn’t hear I need you to do this, but he hears like, you’re not doing this, and you’re a piece of crap, because you’re not doing it. But that’s not what I’m saying. And that’s usually what we end up fighting about.

Chris Seiter 36:08
Do the fights get into yelling? Or is it just raised voices? Like, how, how bad are we getting here. Um,

Kimberly 36:16
so he has yelled before, and I have yelled before. But most of the time, it’s just a little bit of raised voice, and then he’ll walk away. And he’ll go either leave, or he has like a workshop in my crawlspace. And he will go down there, I have a walk in crawlspace. So he will go down there and work on his, his paintings or build something. And usually he comes back, and we talk later. But it’s, it’s like, any type of hearing, I need you to do something or I need you to do something you’re not doing currently triggers him. Yes,

Chris Seiter 36:55
he feels like he’s being attacked. The weirdest advice that I’m gonna give you today is to, like 99% of fights happen because of your tone of voice. If you come, like, if you come with an accusatory tone, that can trigger it. But if you come with a calm as if you’re not even upset tone, as you accuse him, he’s going to be actually a lot more receptive to that. So I actually think that’s one thing that you can do. But the other thing that’s really important for you to do is set your boundary just be like, look it, you don’t have to tell them the boundary. But like in your head, if, if you consistently see that you’re having these conversations with him, and he’s not, at least doing something positive to meet what you feel is fair. It’s okay to walk away. It’s okay to be like, Okay, I love you and everything, but this is not working out, I need to think about what’s best for myself. I’m a big believer into the show, don’t tell approach. So a lot of people like to fall victim to the I’m going to tell my ex or my boyfriend or husband or whatever, my boundaries, I’m going to tell them the boundaries, I’ll tell them, I’ll tell them, I’ll tell them. And then they tell them so much the person eventually tests the boundary, but then they don’t get any kind of consequence for for breaking the boundary, if you will. Now I’m not I’m not I’m suggesting that if things get really, you know, difficult and you’re fighting all the time, but I think probably the the idea here is to foster communication so that you can have an honest conversation about what you’re needing and what you need from him. And I think the important thing that’s maybe potentially missing is is literally understanding what he’s feeling and why he won’t do what you want him to do. And then just telling them that because what you’re trying to do is you’re trying to make him understand that you understand him better than anyone else and that’s what will get him to open up and maybe spark a change. I’ll say this one thing a lot of times it can feel really disheartening when you feel like you’ve done the things that I just said you still haven’t gotten the change but what’s interesting is I was recently actually just really posted a video on YouTube that’s actually doing pretty well usually my YouTube videos don’t do very well so so

Kimberly 39:36
think we froze faculties here. Hopefully we we come back.

Chris Seiter 39:49
But let’s hope Let’s hope I fix the Kimberley. Can you hear me? Yes. Where did our cut off for you. I’ll start over. Um,

Kimberly 40:03
you were talking about? I can’t even remember now. Oh, yeah, I was trying to fix this.

Chris Seiter 40:10
No, the problem is with me and my dumb computer, not you. So, basically, I was talking about this concept of change, and if eight exes are capable of change, and what they’ve found, especially with people who are trying to recover from addiction, is that relapses are a normal part of the process. So don’t expect your ex to change right away. And kind of like, you know, you’re like having a conversation with them, you want them to do something, it is normal for them to resist it at first, it’s a relapse type thing. But if you stay at it, and you have the right approach, then eventually change can be fostered and can occur. So I think the approach I would have for you is the tactical empathy bit where you’re repeating his worldview back to him, as well as the tone bit, just don’t come at it with almost come at it with the tone as if you’re not even bothered by it. But you’re gonna have this honest discussion with it. And I think probably you’ll find he’ll be a lot more receptive, then.

Kimberly 41:12
Yeah, that’s great advice. I’ve done a little bit of that. But sometimes it’s really hard to stick to when you’re, like, totally fed up with, yeah, what’s going on, but that he has reacted better to moments like that, than when we just fight. So I’m gonna work really hard to implement some more of that.

Chris Seiter 41:36
But overall, I mean, when we go back and look at your success story, I think what’s interesting is, or the thing that really sticks out to me is what you posted on social media, because you’re like, full out blocked, and each time you got him to unblock you. So I when I look back at your success story, and like kind of trying to pinpoint the hard stuff. So the hard stuff is actually keeping the relationship together as you’re finding out in these type of situations. But what’s interesting is you can always learn from what you did, and I think the posting of the ungettable type stuff, the Trinity work really worked well, in your in your case, do you? Do you feel on the mark with that statement?

Kimberly 42:20
Yes, it was a big part of it. I actually had one of his friends. That was friends with me. And I mean, I don’t know how much communication they had about my posts. But I’m sure that that was part of it. But yeah, I know that he told me, he felt my changes when we talked again, and he felt me pulling away and moving on. So I 100% Because I didn’t do a whole lot of dating. So I 100% know that that came from all the ungettable stuff I was doing.

Chris Seiter 42:56
Yeah, and I mean, it does also match up with what we know about avoidance, you know, avoidance don’t really begin to miss you until they feel that they that you’ve moved on from them. And then they give themselves permission to miss you. So I find that interesting that you posting those things, even though you didn’t date anyone else was a way of being like, well, I’m moving on with my life. And that’s what triggered him to reach out in these really interesting ways. But when you look back at like the actual success aspect of your success, where what do you feel like stood out as the most important part for you personally?

Kimberly 43:32
Definitely my own growth. I mean, I loved us, you know, getting back together, I love the fact that I was able to keep that relationship, but I found myself in that journey. And that was a really big part of it. And you know, the group and the people I’ve met in the group, were a big part of that because I am a very stable person, a very homebody person and pushing myself to get out and do more things really did help me grow and really did help my anxiety. And you know, it pushed me into therapy too. And which I go every two weeks and that has been amazing. I’ve found my perfect therapist first time. And so yeah, definitely. Yeah, that is pretty rare. And I actually plan on moving out of state in the next couple years, so I’m gonna leave here. No, no, not it’s kind of funny. I I’m moving to be near my battle, buddy. No, yeah. Yeah, me and her have become best friends. And she wasn’t my assigned battle buddy. But she was like my, my picked battle buddy, because my battle buddy was like in another country, and we were on different time zones, time zones, and so we never really talked a whole lot. But yeah, I actually love it, where she lives and I’m planning on moving there. But uh, uh, definitely, just that growth and getting myself out there like going to where she lives is the farthest I’ve traveled. And so it’s just, it’s definitely the whole idea of being ungettable was my biggest part of my success story, you know, yeah, I got my boyfriend back. But you know, that’s just like the icing on the cake, I guess you can say

Chris Seiter 45:23
that that’s a good way of looking at. It’s kind of like you got yourself back. And then as a result of that, the boyfriend came back and he’s just kind of like the sprinkles on top of that. So Kimberly, thank you so much for doing this.

Kimberly 45:38
No problem. I was excited to do it. I know. I’ve watched probably every single success story when I first joined the program when I was in that anxious like, looking for a way to get through this. So they’re definitely helpful and I’m glad to be a part of it.

Chris Seiter 45:54
Well, you’re gonna be the newest one. So congrats on that. Yay. And I again, thank you so much for coming in doing this.

Kimberly 46:05
You’re very welcome. Thank you for what you do as well.

The post Success Story: A Deep Look At An On Again/Off Again Relationship first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Most of the time when I conduct one of my success story interviews it’s with someone who worked the program and got their ex back.

But I define success with our program in multiple ways.

For me, deciding NOT to get your ex back and moving on to someone else is every bit of a success as actually getting an ex back.

Especially if moving on to someone else causes you to realize just how poorly your ex was treating you.

Such was the case with Ellen in my success story interview with her.

Not only did she move on to someone new but,

• She realized that her ex was a hardcore narcissist
• She found a life long friend in our battle buddy program
• She gained more confidence

Listen to her story in our newest success story!

Interview TranscriptChris Seiter 00:03
All right, today we’re gonna be talking to a really interesting success story. This is Ellen, who ended up posting in our community last week or sometime around there. But she’s not your typical success story. She joined the program to originally get her ex back, and then decided that Well, I guess she found a better guy. But thank you so much for coming on and doing this. Thank you. So why don’t you take us back to the beginning of when you’re going through your breakup some of the emotions that your feeling and kind of what led up to you moving on and finding someone

Ellen 00:42
different? Okay. It was like, one year and three months ago, it wasn’t the beginning of Yeah. To to make 22,002 is

Chris Seiter 00:57
like a pretty long time ago.

01:02
And we actually broke up with me, I think it was last Saturday, and he texted me, it was a really bad breakup.

Chris Seiter 01:15
What did he say exactly? In the text?

01:19
He didn’t want to meet me. And I asked him why. And he said that he wanted to break up with me. So was nothing more than that. But he called me and we talked about loss really bad. Because I have been with him for four years. was out of the blue. Sort of a

Chris Seiter 01:48
out of the you didn’t like notice any signs about him becoming distant up until the breakup?

01:54
No. Nothing like that. No, no, so much.

Chris Seiter 02:00
So obviously, he breaks up with you. And then I’m assuming you go to Google or YouTube or wherever to try to find ways to get your ex back. And is that pretty much how that went down?

02:11
Yeah, that’d be I looked up. Almost every video you have on YouTube

Chris Seiter 02:19
every day. That’s like 600. Ellen.

02:23
Yeah, almost every.

Chris Seiter 02:28
So eventually, you come into the program. And you start, I guess, the program to try to get your ex back. How did that go?

02:41
It didn’t go good at all. I was too anxious. So I couldn’t handle it. And I needed more time. And he wasn’t nice to me. So we started to fight all the time. And he started to date another woman.

Chris Seiter 03:01
So he’s, so he starts to date another woman. I’m assuming at some point, you do like a No Contact Rule. To them. Do you remember how long you made it?

03:15
60 days, I think both 60

Chris Seiter 03:17
days you did 260? Day in Hong Kong? What was the thinking behind doing that? The 60 days?

03:25
was the longest time you can do according to ERP. So I did it, because they

Chris Seiter 03:31
did. So you did a 60 day No Contact Rule, which is actually a little bit longer than we recommend. But what’s what’s interesting is, I’m assuming you kind of broke it prematurely a few times. Yes. What? So how many times or what was what prompted you to break it a bunch of times like that?

03:58
I was sad and anxious. That’s all it was really hard to stay away. Okay.

Chris Seiter 04:06
So, so you you break the No Contact Rule? I’m assuming it doesn’t go well.

04:11
No, it didn’t answer or he told me to stop writing or Yeah.

Chris Seiter 04:17
Okay. So what do you do after that when he tells you basically, like, leave me alone? Stop writing. What what’s your approach after that?

04:27
I left him alone for like, one week, and then they wrote again, he did it again. Yeah, I did all the mistakes. You can you can do.

Chris Seiter 04:39
So like at some point, I think you decide to give up, right. Is that is that kind of what ends up happening?

04:47
We’ll see. You during Christmas. Last year. I applied for a job at a big bank in Sweden and he worked there and When I told him about it, he threatened me and was really angry. You told me around you? Yeah. Yeah. He told me that. If I started working there, he will quit his job and he will sell his apartment and move in with his parents and everything is my fault.

Chris Seiter 05:22
I see. Yeah. I assume did you end up taking the bank job? No,

05:28
I didn’t take it. But it was. It was too much for me. He even blocked me. So I think he was too immature. I mean,

Chris Seiter 05:38
yeah. Okay, so So basically, at that point, that was the last straw for you, the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak.

05:47
Yeah. I couldn’t talk to him after that, because I was blocked almost everywhere

Chris Seiter 05:52
and everywhere. Are you still blocked to this day?

05:55
Yes. Not on Facebook, but everywhere else. So.

Chris Seiter 05:59
So he still wants a small window into your life on Facebook? Yeah. But what’s interesting is, the story is about to take a good turn. So eventually, you meet this new guy, you basically give up on that axe and start moving on.

06:15
Yeah. How did that happen? I actually got a lot of help from my battle, buddy. I have one from the ERP group. And she helps me a lot, and also the group read almost everything in it. And I think it’s really good for mental health. And I wanted to meet someone better, someone which I can have a family with. So I started to date, but it was not a good in the beginning. I had Tinder, but it’s not that good.

Chris Seiter 06:54
So you tried Tinder, it didn’t work out so well.

06:59
So I actually downloaded a more mature app. And a guy brought me and we saw each other after like three days.

Chris Seiter 07:10
Do you remember what the app was called? Yeah. match.com. Oh, match. Okay.

07:17
I’m sure it’s an international app. I guess.

Chris Seiter 07:21
No, no, we have match.com here in the States. It’s just not as popular. I guess. Tinder got the dating market share something. But I remember match.com. And it was going on. So eventually you you meet someone on match.com.

07:36
And

Chris Seiter 07:39
and how did that go?

07:41
Well, he was really nice. And he’s actually a gentleman. It’s not that common. It’s pretty rare in my age, and he actually holds every door for me. And he pays for me when we are out and eat at restaurants and even holds my bag. He does everything for me. It’s

Chris Seiter 08:06
so I’m assuming your ex boyfriend did not do those things.

08:11
And maybe it didn’t even buy me a Christmas present or what? No Christmas presents? No, it was really mean to me.

Chris Seiter 08:22
So that’s interesting to me. Why do you think it took you so long to get to that place where you’re like, you know what, I deserve better?

08:30
I think it is because you have a vision. You can see a future retirement, really liked his family and his friends and his life. I wanted to be a part of it. But you don’t see the bigger picture. You don’t think about it in that way. It’s more like a dream. And it’s hard to lose that. I think that’s

Chris Seiter 09:00
disappeared. It looks like we’re having some technical difficulties. And my back. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, I think that was a really poignant way of putting that, that you kind of like, hold on to that vision. And you kind of don’t want to let it go. Obviously, we’re doing this interview to kind of really speak to people in the group and show people that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, even if you don’t get your ex back the way you want. What would you say to someone listening to this, that struggling? Holding on to that vision? What what what are some words of advice from because you’ve already made it through you’ve made it to the promised land so to speak, what do you tell people who are struggling?

09:52
Give it a lot of time. It took me over one year and do things you like for example Meet new friends and start a hobby. For example, I started training at a team, and the new guy even trains with me and I have a new friend, which I trained with. So do things you like and meet new friends and just keep busy and try to be patient takes a lot of time. And I think almost like 80% of the people in the group deserves so much better. Yeah. It’s really important to look after red flags and be and don’t use Tinder, for example, you can use it but you need to be very, I don’t know, either. really careful. And

Chris Seiter 10:55
well, let’s talk a little bit about that. You say you need to be careful on Tinder. What’s what’s informing That? That? Words,

11:05
a lot of guys. They only want sex. So they do will say whatever they want. They try to make you think otherwise. So you think they want a relationship or a future with you, but in and when they get six, they disappear. So I think you should. It’s actually my battle buddy. From ERP, she actually taught me this. She actually made me wait a long time and to look after more serious guys and

Chris Seiter 11:42
older guys. So I guess essentially, the battle buddy. So when you look back at your experience in, in the community, you would say probably your connection that you made with the battle buddy was the most impactful aspect of that.

11:57
Yeah, she’s a friend of mine. Now, we talked a lot, so she helps me a lot.

Chris Seiter 12:05
So that’s interesting. Are you guys both nearby each other? Have you ever met in person yet?

12:11
No. She’s in Switzerland. So it’s no, yes. I think it’s Switzerland. So it’s not here, but it’s in Europe. So it’s the same timezone. So that’s the same

Chris Seiter 12:23
timezone. Yeah, for sure. So you meet the new guy. Things are going really, really well. And by comparison, I guess it feels like, Oh, this is what a relationship is supposed to be like.

12:38
Yeah, I feel really secure and calm and happy. It’s like heaven.

Chris Seiter 12:46
So how long have you been with the new guy for?

12:49
I think three weeks. So it’s pretty new. But we are always talking about winning together in the future.

Chris Seiter 12:56
Wow. moving in together. Have you ever talked with someone that quickly?

13:03
No, actually not.

Chris Seiter 13:07
Have you guys said that? told each other that you love each other yet?

13:12
No, but he’s in love with me. You told me that?

Chris Seiter 13:15
Well, I mean, that’s, that kind of counts in my book tells you that he’s in love with you. How often do you guys see each other?

13:24
Like for three days a week? Wow.

Chris Seiter 13:29
four to three, three to four days a week. So obviously, you’re over your ex. Yeah, that’s, that’s kind of the interesting thing, I think is that we’re not really talking about here is how long do you felt like it take it took for you to get to that place where you got over them? Like officially,

13:49
like one year and one month or so it was 13 points? Yeah.

Chris Seiter 13:58
Do you feel like there’s any tips or tricks you can give to someone who wants to get over their ex on what actually worked for you?

14:08
We’ve been talking about it with other people. Because when I talked about him, they all saw a lot of red flags and a lot of abuse. And so it made me think about him in a really bad way. I think that’s important, and also to be really occupied and starting a new life.

Chris Seiter 14:33
Well, that’s the interesting what you said about talking to other people. Yeah, because I think I think there’s more to it than just talking to other people. I think it’s talking to impartial people. Because sometimes, like when you talk to your friends or family who don’t like your ex, you’re not going to ultimately get an authentic reaction from someone who can just look at a situation but when you’re talking to someone who doesn’t have any skin in the game, and they’re looking at your situation saying hey, these are some really major red flags are emotionally abusing you hear. It can, I think maybe was it? Was it the fact that you were talking to like a battle buddy? That was saying like, Hey, these are red flags, you need to watch out for this? Yeah. Was that when it sort of started clicking for you?

15:18
Yes. And before that I have talked to my family and friends that know him. So it’s

Chris Seiter 15:25
both sides. Oh, so they hadn’t met him before?

15:28
No, not my new friends. So it helped a lot.

Chris Seiter 15:33
Okay, so obviously, this guy was really rude really mean emotionally using you? You kind of got out of that situation. And what I think is really hard for people to maybe understand is some of the red flags. So could you take us maybe through some of the red flags that people need to be paying attention to that maybe they’re excusing? Because they are holding on to that vision?

15:59
One big red flag was that it was really rude and mean to other people. For example, if we were in a store, or the restaurant he talked about about people he doesn’t know. And he started to be mean to me as well. And he always talked about yourself in like, he was on a pedestal.

Chris Seiter 16:23
Narcissistic type. Yeah.

16:26
Yeah. And he actually hide me from his friends and family for four years. So

Chris Seiter 16:34
four years. So did you ever meet them?

16:38
No. Wow. Okay. Yeah.

Chris Seiter 16:42
Do you? Do you know if he also was seeing someone else at the same time?

16:48
No, I don’t know. Because we didn’t see each other that much. It could take like two weeks between or so I don’t know. Maybe, but I don’t think so.

Chris Seiter 17:03
But so is your so he’s rude to other people. Was that just like rude to the waiter or something? Or was it talking bad about people that you’ve worked with?

17:12
Looks bad about people all the time? All the time? Yeah. I couldn’t even watch TV with him or stand in line at the store anything. He talked bad about people only all the time.

Chris Seiter 17:26
Wow. Was there any other red flags? Other than than those two?

17:32
Maybe that he felt bad about me my clothes and my weight? And

Chris Seiter 17:40
it sounds like it sounds like a narcissist. Yeah,

17:43
I could do what I want that I couldn’t do what I wanted.

Chris Seiter 17:48
Yeah. Sounds. He sounds I mean, I’m not a licensed therapist or anything. So I can’t clinically but he definitely sounds like a narcissist. Because like a narcissist will have the idealization stage where they like, idealize you at first, and then make you feel super special. And then they have what’s called the devalue stage where they do everything in their power to devalue you and talk down to you. And it seems kind of like a classic case of him sticking in that. And it seems to me like you had a difficult time holding yourself out of that situation. Here.

18:24
Yeah, it was really hard. I was actually depressed. And so yeah, I went to therapy for like, half a year, I think. So it was hard.

Chris Seiter 18:36
In the therapy help,

18:38
we have it. Now. The thing that helped me most was finding new friends and doing other stuff. But it was really hard because you are attached to people. I don’t know why you like the space you like, when they are nice to you even do they really mean it’s really hard to describe and it’s actually a bit embarrassing?

Chris Seiter 19:06
No, I don’t think you’d be embarrassed at all. I think actually, you’re just by having these open, honest discussions about this, I think, to effect people. Probably the most important thing that you said there is the thing that worked the most was attaching to other people, surrounding yourself with other people. Do you feel like that was because you’re able to form a connection with those people or if it was more about an accountability aspect where they are holding you accountable for like, maybe just even holding the mirror up and saying, Hey, look what he’s doing to you and making you realize you deserve better.

19:40
Yeah, all my friends actually does that because if I’m in a store, for example, and they show me very colorful t shirt, for example, I wasn’t allowed to wear color four pounds. For example, I can say I’m not allowed to use that. And they always say that it’s yo, or Egypt or anything, they always tell me the truth.

Chris Seiter 20:08
Wow, that’s so. So he had such a hold over you that? Yeah. I mean, he sounds kind of like a really hardcore classic narcissist whose. So I think it’s really the thing anyone listening to this I think the really big lesson to take from from it is if you are dealing with an ex who’s doing these things, do not try to get them back, try to move on from that. And understand that there’s light at the end of the tunnel like Elon is basically living right now now that she’s with a new guy. It’s sort of like, I guess the highs are higher, because you’re like, oh, this it’s like to be in a in a normal relationship. Yeah.

20:48
Yeah, I was really anxious before, but now I’m secure. I don’t I’m not anxious. All I know that he will answer me or he wants to see me. I don’t need to wait for his replies. And, yeah, it’s not that hard anymore. How do you what do you think

Chris Seiter 21:09
was the biggest factor from taking you from the anxious personality to the secure personality?

21:14
I think it was AARP, looking at your videos and learn about attachment styles and reading in the group. new hobby and new friends, I think it was a lot like a mix of everything.

Chris Seiter 21:32
Okay, sort of a slow mix, you’re making slow progress steps forward. But even it even took some challenges to get you there. Because you still wanted a back for a longest time.

21:44
Yeah. It’s slowly went down. I wanted him back, like 100% or like, half a year, then it went slowly down. So you don’t detach that easily. But I think you need to meet other guys. And for example, training helps a lot. Yeah, feel strong. And that helps.

Chris Seiter 22:11
In your advice to meeting other guys do not do Tinder, do match.com.

22:18
But look out for all the red flags and be more patient.

Chris Seiter 22:24
So looking back at your whole experience, if you could just go back in time and talk to yourself, what what advice would you give yourself,

22:32
actually to be patient? And because it was really hard, but I’m more secure. Now when I’m stronger? And I like myself more now? I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m not depressed anymore and anxious. And I’m happy now. So I actually think it was a really good lesson. It was. Yeah, that’s good in some way.

Chris Seiter 23:02
Yeah, I mean, I think that’s, I think that’s the right way to look at it personally. Because a lot of times people get too hung up on this idea of oh, I wasted all my time trying to get this person back and failed. Instead, you’re saying, I took all that time and it took all that time to learn. This is how I choose a partner. I was

23:22
actually really introvert. I didn’t talk to people I was I was always home or with my ERP ex, I think social and outgoing now when I talk to everybody you’re

Chris Seiter 23:37
doing interview.

23:38
Yeah. Me. So I think it was a really good lesson. I think. I don’t regret it at all. And I don’t know what the future would hold if I didn’t. If I leaned or, yeah, it’s hard to know if future without him.

Chris Seiter 24:03
Yeah. Well, I mean, I think I think the future you you’ve created for yourself is pretty, pretty solid. You’ve you’ve got a new partner who’s treating you well. You do you feel like confident with yourself now? Like let’s say the new partner that didn’t work out? Do you feel like you’d be okay after that?

24:23
I’m really confident now. Okay. So it’s not a problem at all. I even told you guys about this, and He supports me. Amazing. I called him before this interview and he calmed me down and told me that it will go really well. You know, it’s

Chris Seiter 24:42
we’re talking it’s great. Do you do you have any last words for people listening?

24:53
Things I said before Be patient and actually buy the program because You need the ARP group in Facebook. It’s really good. And you need a buddy. It’s you, you really need it. It’s the best thing about your product, I think. Yeah. Yeah.

Chris Seiter 25:17
The community aspect, the accountability aspect, but the battle, buddy, you know, there’s people who are still lifelong friends because they’ve partnered up in that battle buddy program and it seems like you took it seems like we paired you with the right with the right person.

25:32
Yeah, I think that too. So I think I think everyone should buy your product. So they can Oh, thanks.

Chris Seiter 25:38
I promise guys. I’m not paying her at all say that.

25:45
The earpiece is really good and fun to actually read. Although people are not always talking about VIP access they talked about are things that well, new guys, right? You can get help with other things. Yeah,

Chris Seiter 26:03
that’s gonna mean that that’s true. I just wanted to say thank you so much for coming on and doing this, Alan.

26:09
Thank you. It was actually fun.

The post Success Story: This Woman Decided To Move On From Her Ex Now She’s With Someone Who Treats Her Right first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Let’s talk about how to convince your ex to meet up with you. It’s funny, when researching for this article I had a ton of trouble finding examples in our community of people spilling details on exactly how they got their meetups.

Alas though, after half an hour of searching I found four real life examples of people who successfully convinced their ex to meet up with them.

1. The Well Timed Facebook Post
2. The Damsel In Distress Meetup
3. Just Simply Trusting In The Value Ladder
4. You Simply Initiate A Low Investment Meetup

However, before we really take the time to get into the examples I feel its important to cover the basics of why exes can say “no” to a meetup.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizThe Most Common Reason Exes Say No To A “Meet Up”This is the process we teach our clients,

I call it (drum roll please) the value ladder.

A step by step process for re-establishing contact with your ex and communicating in a way that makes reconciliation more likely by strategically making your ex recognize your value for themselves.

The way it works is simple.

Before moving from one stage to the next you must first build up enough value.

It’s similar to a video game in that regard.

You have to complete the level you are on first before moving on to the next one. Except instead of dodging bad guys or obstacles like in a typical mario game you have to build value.

The #1 reason that exes will say no to a meetup is if you try to advance to the meetup phase by skipping the climb up the value ladder.

It’s too fast too soon.

Though lately I’ve been noticing an interesting phenomenon where exes will say yes to a meetup but only cancel at the last minute.

Ok, so with that explanation out of the way I think we can move on to the real tactics that clients have used to get their exes to meet up with them.

Real Examples Of Tactics Used To Get Exes To Meet UpOne quick note though before we get started.

I like using real people from our community to prove my points. In pretty much every example I’m going to use to prove my points today the community member didn’t rush the value ladder.

The results were only possible because they slowly, methodically worked their way up the ladder.

Think of it as the pre-requisite that must be met before you can try any of these tactics.

Ok, with that out of the way let’s begin!

Tactic #1: The Well Timed Facebook PostI’m pulling from one of my clients a few years ago for this one.

On our coaching call she mentioned that she really wanted to meet up with her ex. She was having a work interview in his home town (they were kind of long distance) but she felt a bit awkward outright asking him to meetup.

I suggested that her best approach would be to post something on social media about it and find a way to combine his interest.

Thus, my next question was,

“Well, what’s he interested in?”

He response was quick and authoritative,

“Game of Thrones”

To which I responded,

“Well, this may sound kind of corny but what if you were to have someone photoshop you on the back of a dragon riding in to his town.”

This was the resulting post,

Here’s the coolest part though.

She posts this to her Facebook Account and within an hour her ex had commented on the post and then even privately messaged her that they should catch up.

This worked for a few reasons.

Yes, it was an interest based approach where you are engaged in your exes actual interests but the more relevant part is that she actually had an interview. She didn’t make that up.

She was authentically working the trinity and making big strides.

Tactic #2: The Damsel In Distress MeetupOne of the most popular text messages that our community likes to use (especially women) is the damsel in distress text messages.

You know the ones, they look like this,

You have this burning question that only your ex can answer.

Well, it turns out that the damsel in distress approach can also work for meet ups. In talking to a moderator of our community they had this to say about what worked to get a meetup for them,

“I also used a damsel in distress in this case. I told him I needed his expertise in making a certain pool shot and of course he wanted to help me.”

What I find really clever about this approach is her damsel in distress approach actually had an embedded meetup included.

Tactic #3: Just Simply Trusting In The Value LadderThis one might be a little self serving but I promise it does work.

When searching through the community looking for exact examples of tactics used to secure meetups I noticed a trend. Most people would talk about what happened on the meetups but not necessarily talk about how the meetups were secured themselves.

And it dawned on me that most of them probably didn’t have to do anything.

By simply trusting in the value ladder their ex would initiate the meetup,

It’s that last phrase mentioned that I really want you to pay attention to.

This program really works. Stick with it, work on yourself first, do the no contact, the texting phase, the phone call phase, the meetup phase… do it all, take it slow… it works!

It goes back to what I was saying that if you skip the value ladder or advance up it too quickly you tend not to get the results you want.

So yes, sometimes all you have to do is just stick to the approach and your ex will ask for a meetup themselves.

Tactic #4: You Simply Initiate A Low Investment MeetupOf course, sometimes no matter how patient you are during your climb up the value ladder your ex won’t ask for a meetup.

Sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands.

“I think it’s ok to initiate the first meetup. Then you want to see that they are at least talking about meeting up again and making plans with you.”

I’ll preface this by saying that this technically only works if you’ve done what I’ve been saying all article long and slowly worked your way up the value ladder.

How do you know when the right time to ask is?

I think by simply looking at your progress in your climb is a great indicator. If you are talking on the phone and texting pretty much every day it’s time to move to the next stage.

The post How Do I Convince My Ex To Meet Me first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today I’d like to talk about what to do if you took a risk and asked your ex to meet up with you but they said no.

I feel like the best way to tackle this is to divide the article up into two distinct parts.

1. Talk about why this exes usually say no
2. Talk about how to handle it if it ends up happening to you

So, I don’t want to beat around the bush. Let’s just get right into it.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizWhy Exes Will Usually Say No To A MeetupDo you see this graphic right here,

This whole graphic might actually be the reason for why your ex says no.

It’s called, “The Value Ladder.” I think I’ll actually let my official guide, The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program describe what it is,

The Value Ladder
(Noun)
A step-by-step process for re-establishing contact with your Ex and communicating in a way that makes reconciliation more likely by strategically making your Ex recognize your Value for himself.

Put simply, it’s the slow methodical approach to getting an ex back.

Now, I’ve been on record saying that most of our clients have an anxious attachment style. If you don’t believe me take a look at this poll,

And the thing about extremely anxious individuals is that they tend to be extremely desperate which causes them to try to “jump” the value ladder.

Let’s take a deeper look at the ladder,

Now, the point is to stairstep your way up to the top.

You can’t advance to the next level until enough value has been provided at the level you are currently at. The mistake most anxious people meet is they jump the ladder all the way to the “meetup phase” without actually having provided any value in the texting phase, phone call phase, etc.

Usually when an ex says no to a meetup it means you’ve skipped the value ladder.

You’ve rushed the process to see them before they are probably comfortable seeing you.

And it can be soul crushing to be told no.

It can feel like a mini breakup is happening all over again.

The question now becomes…

How To Handle It If It Happens To YouSo, story time.

If you didn’t know I’m actually married to the woman of my dreams but I want to go back in time to when we weren’t married. I want to go back in time to when we weren’t even dating.

We were still in that fun “talking phase.”

Let me give you a little on the logistics of our situation at the time.

• I lived in Texas
• She lived in Pennsylvania

Which meant that in order for us to officially meet in person one of us would have to go to the other or both of us would have to meet in a neutral location. Maybe a few weeks into “talking” my soon to be wife suggested that we meet up at her parents beach house in Florida.

I said “no.”

Why?

It was too much too soon. It was scary. I had known her for two weeks.

So, how the heck did she end up bagging this guy (I’m pointing at myself here.) Well, she basically went back to the beginning of the value ladder and worked it.

She went back to basics.

And that sets the stage for the process that I think you should be doing if you find yourself in this situation,

• Actually go out and do something on the planned meetup.
• Preferably with someone else (Friends for non jealousy, Other person for jealousy)
• Wait a day and then post about the great time on social media
• Then you would continue to act normal and unbothered (work your way up the value ladder)

Let’s start from the top.

Actually Go Out And Do Something On The Planned MeetupYou ask your ex up for a meetup and they said no.

Sucks, right?

Want to know what 99% of my clients end up doing?

Nothing.

They sit at home, feel sorry for themselves. Maybe order an ice cream.

Want to know what they should be doing?

They should be going out on the exact day they were going to meet up with their ex and actually doing a fun activity.

This leads me to my next point.

Preferably Go Out With Someone ElseDon’t go out on the planned meetup alone.

Go with someone else.

But who?

Well, you really have two options.

1. If you don’t want to make your ex jealous then pick your best friend
2. If you do want to make your ex jealous, you need to go on the date with someone else

By doing this you are going to accomplish a few things.

You will show that your time is valuable and that you are sought after by other people.

Take Pictures Of You Having Actual FunI mean, we have to capture the fun, right?

Here’s my best tip for this.

The pictures you take with whoever you bring to wherever you bring them need to be authentic. Don’t fake it. Go out and actually have fun with them.

Wait A Day And Then Post About It On Social MediaStatistics have shown consistently that close to 90% of exes will be stalking your social media accounts. Thus, it’s highly likely that your ex will be encountered with the opportunity cost issue.

They chose to not go out with you.

So, instead they are forced to see someone else go out with you.

Thus, they can literally see what they are missing out on. You can prove that the missed opportunity to go out with you was something that they may regret.

I want you to wait a full day before you post any pictures though. You need to not seem like you are trying too hard.

Continue To Act Normally Towards Your Ex And Rework The Value LadderThis is another area I see people in our community going wrong.

People fall way too much in love with the no contact rule and while it’s great. It’s not always the answer.

Sure, if you haven’t even done a no contact rule then that’s probably something you need to do right away but most of the time the people who are in our community are falling victim to an ex saying no to them after they get out of a no contact rule.

If they reject you the worst thing you can do is act bothered by it.

It just shows your ex that you still want them.

The smartest thing you can do is just simply rework the value ladder and almost act as if they didn’t even reject you in the first place.

Which I realize sounds a little ridiculous but if you really think about it, it kind of proves to your ex that you are so confident in yourself that you don’t really care about their opinion of you.

That you have the confidence to invest in yourself.

And to me, that’s what truly makes someone ungettable.

The post I Asked My Ex To Meet Up And They Said No first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I had the pleasure of interviewing Regina, one of our latest Success Stories for the podcast and learned a ton about the importance of patience.

What struck me as particularly interesting about her was that she got her ex back over seven months ago (as of the writing of this excerpt.) Yet, she didn’t really post in the community about her success until her ex actually said the three little words we all long to hear.

I love you!

Only then did she consider her success story an actual success. It really goes to show the amount of patience we are dealing with in this amazing woman.

Enjoy our conversation!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizPodcast TranscriptChris Seiter 00:00
All right, today we’re back with a really interesting success story, we are going to be talking to Regina here, who’s going to take us through start to finish her situation, she ended up posting in the community, what, like last week or something. But what’s interesting is she didn’t have like, usually when you see these success stories, they’re like really long write ups, hers was kind of short. But one thing stuck out to me. I believe the breakup was in 2021. And you didn’t really get them back until maybe like a year, a year and a half later. So we’re here to kind of explore the journey that it took that that whole process took you on. But thanks for coming on. And doing this. I really appreciate it.

Regina 00:46
Yeah, not a problem. I mean, it’s my honor to get to share with you and you know, as thank you for helping me get to, you know, reach my goal and my relationship with my, my partner, my potato is you will?

Chris Seiter 01:00
Yeah, what was it? You said from spud to stud? Yeah.

Regina 01:07
I used to just remind myself of that, through this whole process to like, you know, I’m worth something. So I really do need to start, and if he’s not going to be it, then that’s okay. But, you know, here we are. So,

Chris Seiter 01:19
it just took a while to get them there that

Regina 01:23
did, that’s okay. And me too. You know, it’s, it’s a journey for both of us together. And in order for it to work, we both have to be on the same page. So I was also a huge journey for me. And I think that for me, it was what, what led me to here. And where I am today is the steps that that you showed, and the little processes that you have throughout the program really helped me view it from a different perspective that I haven’t seen before and even thought about for myself. So it was really valuable. So it really, it really did change my mindset, and then my ability to like proceed not only myself, but relationship from a different standpoint. So it was really great for me.

Chris Seiter 02:02
Well, thanks so much. Obviously, more of this is the ego stroke that I needed. But why don’t we actually go to the dark days the like, going back a couple of years, you guys break up? Why don’t you take us like from your journey from the get go?

Regina 02:17
Yeah, so we were actually in a very, like nonchalant kind of relationship for about eight months prior to the breakup. So I mean, we were exclusive, but it was, you know, just more like friends that hung out. And we’re a little bit of intimate, but you know, not so much a deep connection. And, you know, I come from a place where I have a lot of children, and they’re all teenagers. So I was married for a long time over a decade. I’m not, you know, I don’t want all that crazy marriage and things like my idea of a good really done that. Yeah, so like, I just want to focus on my children and being a good mom. And, you know, if I have a partner that’s willing to step in and help here and there, like, just be a part of that, that’s great for me, but you know, I don’t I don’t want that intertwined relationship again. And so when we first David, I would try and like reiterate that to him, because that’s not what he wants, either. So I feel like he was really scared because he started to get deep feelings for me, and then thinking, hey, maybe she’s gonna change her mind. So he broke up with me. Very sad. He, he broke my heart a little bit. And I was completely faded. I mean, I, I was hurting.

Chris Seiter 03:34
Okay, so what was his reasoning in the breakup talk to actually end the relationship with you.

Regina 03:42
Um, he told me that I was the perfect woman for him. I was absolutely amazing. And every aspect, you know, I, he’s like, You are absolutely perfect, but you deserve better than me. Because I don’t think I can give you marriage. And I don’t want to give you any more kids and things like that. And I don’t want to live with somebody. And I was just like, but I didn’t like, what,

Chris Seiter 04:07
I didn’t ask for that. So it’s

Regina 04:10
awkward. It’s just a part of my language is just like, okay, so I was like, it’s gotta be something else. Like, there’s no way that’s what it is. So, I was like, you know, whatever. You know, it really hurts. But, you know, if it’s meant to be it’ll, it’ll be meant to be, you know, and I just looked at her and I said, you know, what, what happens when you decide that this isn’t what you really want? And he was like, I don’t think I’ll change my mind. And I said, I’m pretty sure you will. But I wish you the best. And I left it at that. And then I cried for about four days, and I didn’t leave my room. It’s really bad. very heartbreaking.

Chris Seiter 04:48
And at any point during those four days of locking yourself in the room and crying, do you at least start going to YouTube or Google and start scrolling? At what point do you kind of like a I want to explore how to fix this.

Regina 05:02
I think it was like, it was like the last day and I was just so in my own head and just in my own just sadness. And, you know, I always strive, and I pride myself in the fact where I go by, you know, if you can’t change it yourself, then you can’t really complain about it, like, do something. So I was like, What am I doing just whining and crying, like, I’m gonna do something like, I can fix that, like, there’s something I can take from this. So what am I going to learn? How am I going to fix this? Like, I know him and I are meant to be together, like in my soul, like, there’s just this connection that I just couldn’t ignore, like, I have had my heart broken a million times, and I never really, it never bothered me, but for whatever reason this one did. And so I was like, there’s a reason for that. And I need to figure out what that is. So I was looking on Facebook, I was looking on YouTube, I was reading books, and like, all the things like me, you know, like, he’s just not that into you. And, you know, like the bitches guide to revenge that had some good points, you know, and like, you know, and so I was like, Well, it’s kind of be a me problem. And, you know, and then I stumbled upon a couple of podcasts that had your program in it. And it was, you know, I mean, in your basis is, you know, get the guy back, you don’t get that partner back. And while that’s like a really good goal, and that’s like the motivating cause, I could see in just the way you described your program, and the steps, and the empowerment that you offer people to like, really think about it differently. I’ve really, that’s what really, ultimately drew me to your program. And so I did a little bit more research. And I watched, like, probably every single video, I could find a view on YouTube. Like,

Chris Seiter 06:48
went back to the old ones, or I’m just like reading off a script and like trying, and I don’t have the fancy microphones and everything. You went back that far.

Regina 06:57
I like all the way back to like, 2001 when we were still in high school, you know? Like, I just aged myself, but anyway. Yeah, so I found that and then I signed up immediately. And then I just dove right in, I just ran into the materials. I was like, Okay, I gotta figure this out. And then it broke my heart to learn that I had to cut contact off for 45 days. Yeah, so I was like, no contact, I’ve never done that before. Like, I usually just leave it what is it is what it is, and if they like want to hang out or whatever, and be friends, whatever, no big deal. But I just for whatever reason I couldn’t do this, I knew I had to do something different this time. So I painstakingly did the 45 days of no contact. And it was brutal. But I kept a lot to myself, I just found myself again, like you said, you know, you got to go back out there and become the ungettable person that they’re gonna miss. You know, and that’s really empowering when you go from a place of feeling unworthy to taking that feeling and those emotions and then creating self empowerment out of, you know, things you enjoy. And that is such good medicine for your self worth and your being. And people really don’t. Like they really underestimate the power of just self care. You know, even on the basic level, like going for a walk, like, Hey, I’m going for my daily walk with my dog, you know, and that’s the kind of stuff I would post because I love my puppy. She’s cute. Yeah, she is. So those are the things I would do, you know, when I was helping with my, my job at the time, and helping build entrepreneurs up at the at the time. So, you know, I was giving myself to other people while also trying to work on myself and that, in conjunction really helped my own person. So I was able to just become more confident with myself and know that I don’t need somebody to tell me that you know, I love you because you’re here for me or you do this for me like I’m solid on my own and you can either join and appreciate all the great things that I have vowed offer us not only human but as a partner. But also you know, I I’ll be fine without you if you don’t want to. It’s okay. You know, and I think that was the one thing that really made his mind switch. Because after that 30 days and I the 45 I don’t remember exactly how many I did. I think I responded to a text of his or something to get our stuff back. So I had to start over because I was like I wanted to show him my golf swing. It’s great. When I restarted it wasn’t a big deal. You know, and I it’s hard as it was I just completely blocked him out of my mind. I didn’t look at his social media. I didn’t look at his work website because he owns his own business. Like I say it out of his circle. We have a couple of mutual friends. I didn’t, I didn’t intervene. I didn’t ask about him. I just kind of cut them off, you know? And I just wanted him to see, okay, you don’t want me to be a part of your life? Well, this is what that looks like. This is me not being your life. You know, just like you said that you wanted it. Here you are. So after that 45 days, or whatever I was, it was hard for me to come up with like that first reach out hook. That’s what really difficult for a lot of people. Yeah, nice, like a lot in your comments. So that’s a big question like, What do I

Chris Seiter 10:43
Yeah, it’s still it’s still is, I can’t tell you like every day as I’m going through the community and answering, like, I’ll spend like 30 minutes a day just answering people I’ve been trying this year at least to be better about that interacting, doing more Facebook Lives and stuff. But I’m always like, it’s always a text thing. Like, there’s always one question in there. Like, I don’t know how to do the text. So I’m kind of curious. How did you how did you handle it?

Regina 11:09
I mulled it over for quite a while. Three days, and there was a lot of questions on the Facebook community about hey, how does this sound? Can I work like this? This is my backdrop. But I know the one thing he’s really, really geeked out about, and that’s board games. And yeah, I come from a really big nerdy family to like board games

Chris Seiter 11:33
is right up my alley. Yeah. So I was like,

Regina 11:37
it couldn’t he owns like a million. And we’ve played a million and I’m on a million games. So it’s like I had to be good. So I was like, Okay, well, I knew I had to be up his alley, and that he couldn’t resist. And I you know, it’s kind of like a pickup line, almost, but a personal pickup line, because you know them essentially. So that was kind of my angle. I was like, I have to give them a bite. He can’t resist. So

Chris Seiter 12:01
So what was the board game that he chose? I didn’t choose

Regina 12:05
one. I put it in his hand. So it’s made it even better.

Chris Seiter 12:09
So what was the exact text? You remember?

Regina 12:11
I asked him, I said, Hey, I could use some help from the resident expert. I was like, I’m in a pickle, I need I need I need an expert. I was like, it’s my turn to pick a fun game for our group game night over at my friend’s house. We do game night, once a week. So which he knew. And it’s

Chris Seiter 12:30
kind of an ungettable activity that you can kind of really weave in,

Regina 12:34
like, I’m going to do me things. Yeah, I could

Chris Seiter 12:37
help me out with it a bit.

Regina 12:43
So I was like, you know, I need a fun game. That’s good for this group. And you know, we’ve played all the other fun games, so I gotta bring a new one. What what is what do you recommend? And then he just opened up the floodgates he gave me like, 30 games. And then he was like, Well, what kind of people are they? He was asking me a million questions, like, Are there new people who’s all gonna be there? And I was very, very close. Like, I was very short and sweet. And just try to keep it about the game so that he didn’t get any more information because he was kind of trying to peek. Yeah, like, gonna be there now.

Chris Seiter 13:19
Or is this a day is is that more romantic? Meet up with them? Well

Regina 13:23
see, I wanted to make sure it was clear that it wasn’t a date. So he threatened because he was very close. Not just like,

Chris Seiter 13:34
avoidant, when it came to that, like, he would just sort of go inward instead of Yes. Got it. Yeah,

Regina 13:39
definitely avoid it. So like, I knew I couldn’t do like jealousy posts and things like that, because he’s very sensitive that way, and that would have hurt his heart. So I didn’t do any of that. I just kind of I kept it at just, you know, I’m gonna be the best version of me and you’re gonna see what my life is like without you in it. And so I did.

Chris Seiter 13:59
Well, you kind of gave him a glimpse into game night and he’s missing his favorite activity which board game so it kind of works out.

Regina 14:06
So you know, and the reading about the like, your emotional. Like if you’re dismissive, dismissive, avoidant, and like, yeah, the

Chris Seiter 14:16
attachment styles, the anxious avoidant, fearful secure.

Regina 14:22
Yeah, that was really helpful information, not only for myself, but when I thought about potato as his own person and what his journey has been up to this point to where we’re together. So if I can understand a little bit about where those wounds come from, it was a lot easier for me to be a better partner for him. Yeah, and just like, kind of just I kind of just showed him very nonchalantly, like, I am a good partner for you. I care enough about you to want to like make it be safe, and like let you open up in an organic way. You know, well, yeah,

Chris Seiter 15:01
it’s sort of like you’re learning to speak his language. Like, if you come at it from me even a secure standpoint, sometimes secure. Most people are not aware of the attachment style stuff. So when you kind of explain it to them, it’s like, Oh, that makes sense. But you have to kind of learn with fearful avoidance, like when you need to nurture the anxious side, versus when you need to pull back with dismissive avoidance, you just kind of need to accept, gotta pull back, give him some space, it’s sort of like speaking their language. And they, they really appreciate that. And that kind of gets them to come out of their shell. So it seems like you just kind of figured that.

Regina 15:35
It was very difficult, but I was like, you know, if I really love him the way that I feel like I love him, then I it’s only fair that I am as gentle as possible. And like coming from that place of understanding as much as I can without him like opening up because that’s difficult for somebody who’s a dismissive avoidant, like, they don’t want to talk about anything. And it’s very difficult for them to feel that safe. So I just really wanted to get him that, you know, and just be like, Hey, I’m gonna, I’m gonna be here. But if you if you decide no, then no, you know, and with using those tools, our timeline was drawn out because I didn’t I, I let go of the end picture. Like, for me, I don’t want to get married, I already have children that are grown. And I’m not looking for that part of my life to be fulfilled again, either. So as far as like, the end goal for me, it was basically just are we going to be able to rebuild a solid foundation for when all that’s gone? You know, when there’s no more kids? And when there’s, we’re just looking at retirement and we’re alone all the time? Like, is that going to be enough? Like, well, we care enough about each other. So for me, that’s once I let go of all the other pressure moving in together, I need a baby daddy, and he realized it. Also, that’s really kind of like the turning point for us when we were like, Okay, so like, we can just define our own relationship, and then build this looks like and not really care about what the outside world or our families are, like, why aren’t you getting married and moving in? Like, well, we don’t care.

Chris Seiter 17:18
If you really think about it, it kind of is perfect, because dismissive avoidance, if he is, indeed just a dismissive, avoidant, then any kind of marriage, kids that kind of loss of independence would freak him out. And you are kind of just making yourself the least threatening type person to him, which is certainly a drawl. So yeah, I’m actually thinking that just kind of helped you. But it’s interesting, because if you go back to your breakup, he mentioned. Like, I’m not, you know, I can’t give you what you want. I can’t give you marriage. So it’s almost like he didn’t believe you. At first that you, which is really interesting to me.

Regina 18:03
Yeah, well, and I get it, especially from his point of view, because I’m a single mom, and I have five children. And

Chris Seiter 18:14
I got two and that’s already like,

Regina 18:17
now put yourself in the position of being the male role model for that, that female and then also feeling obligated to help care for her children. I mean, it’s a lot of pressure. Yeah, it is. It’s a lot of pressure for a man in this kind of dynamic and what the majority of the females in our time right now like what they expect from their male partner, you know, to be cared for, and like they want them to take care of everything and I’m just not that person. You know, if

Chris Seiter 18:51
you’re, if you’re no damsel in distress, you’ve kind of know you’ve kind of figured it out that you can play a good damsel in distress with your game. Nice stuff. Yeah. Nice keys. Yeah, right. So obviously, this first text works extremely well. We kind of skipped ahead to kind of the the reconnection. Yeah, like, what was that? What was that? I guess how it worked with like, you getting back together and him opening up and what was that? Like?

Regina 19:25
It was very tedious and strenuous? Like mentally it was very hard for me because I knew I was in this program, right? But nobody else around me knows that like, this is what I’m doing. So like, No, I didn’t tell a soul like none of my kids knew and like me and my girls are we’re pretty close. So like I didn’t tell us so none of my sisters nothing nobody did

Chris Seiter 19:51
you have you still have you told them now are coming out video type

Regina 19:58
apparently. Yeah, so I didn’t tell anybody. So it was kind of lonely and but I just really wanted to make sure that it was authentic. So, and also, I’m working on myself at this time too, because, you know, I’m not a perfect human and obviously if you if he soft was with me and I have continuously have the same issue with partners saying the same thing to me, I just don’t see anything long term. And I’m like, but like, am I not, I’m not being I’m not showing you that what I’m saying is matching. So I’m telling you, I don’t want to get married, but then my actions aren’t exactly matching, because I’m a little needy and a single mom of five, you know, I’m lonely. I’m an extrovert I, I like quality time. So like, it can seem a little bit like a stage three clinger. When really, it’s just that emotional connection I’m looking for, I don’t need that physical, we need to be together all the time. It’s just that deep emotional connection is what I want. So, you know, I knew it was going to be difficult, but I just, I kept pushing and being patient. So after that, first reach out, he gave me lots of good insights. And then I caught him off, you know, I did the hook line and then disappear. So I was like, I’ll go game night getting ready out the door, I’m out. And then I didn’t talk to him again, for like another week. I like just let it go. Like, and he’s very much a fearful avoidant, and detached. So our timeline, a lot of that is because I wanted to give him the space he really needed. I mean, when, when we were in a relationship, and he’d be like, you know, I’m kind of having difficulty. And he did this a few times. And he needed like, four or five days to just think about what was going on, and then like, evaluate our relationship internally. And so I’d have to give him that space, because he deserved it, you know, I’m not going to harp on him, he needs to fight, you’re gonna have it, you know. So I just really tried to remember that, you know, it’s not about everybody else is like, Oh, two day three day with their tide theory. And I was like, Well, I have to adjust my tie theory to a relationship. Yes, you guys are talking about two, three days or like, wait an hour, and then hook them. But if I go by that, I’m gonna sink my own ship. And

Chris Seiter 22:21
such an excellent point. And this is, this is between you and I, it’s something that gets on my nerves. So obviously, I wrote all this stuff up, I created it, tested it and everything. But people seem to think my word is like the word of God. And it’s not, you know, the one thing I’m very clear about is you need to adjust everything to your situation. And like you rightfully did that, you know, you knew like, this isn’t the way it’s written is not going to work for me. And my situation might work for you and your situation, but you adjusted it, and it seemed like it. But obviously, things heat up again. So are you just saying it’s kind of like this, this like, he’s hot one minute, and then kind of needs that space, or you just worked at into it with the foreknowledge that it was going to be that way.

Regina 23:07
I just kind of worked into it knowing it was going to be that way. Like I knew he was going to be very hot and cold. I mean, we’re both very independent people. So like, we don’t need to talk every day. And like, even when we were in a committed relationship, we would go two days without texting or calling or seeing each other. And it was not a big deal. Like it’s just how we roll. We’re both very busy. We both work strange hours, I have a lot of kids. So like, there’s always like that. It’s like, what your time is filled? Yeah. Is three days, you know? So like, I don’t I don’t get worked up over. Like he didn’t call me today. I don’t care. I didn’t call you either. I’m busy. I’m sure you walk, you know. So it’s like, our dynamic is just that way. So I had to adjust all of those tools to fit into that. And so for me, it was sometimes difficult asking people for advice, like, Hey, I’m right here at this point. You know, like, when I had a big fumble, and this was like, 10 months later. So the first reach out was in October. He had broken up with me. That may

Chris Seiter 24:16
2021, October 2021.

Regina 24:19
Oh, yeah. And then the first reach out was like, I believe I said July, somewhere. Yeah. late July. And then I it was maybe one text a week between the two of us here

Chris Seiter 24:32
and they’re just very slow. Go.

Regina 24:35
Hook, I’d ask them a question. And then I leave it at that. Or like for Halloween, I sent him a funny meme. And that was just like, Hey, happy Halloween. I know what’s your favorite holiday? So I just wanted to be like, Hey, I saw this and thought of you. This is so fun. Remember when we were going on this when we went Halloween, blah, blah, blah. And that was a good time. And he was a cat. That was a good time and then we left it at that. And then he would he started at that point he started out asking me questions. And I kept it very, like, oh, gotta go, I’m in the meeting, I gotta go, I gotta be out of town. I’m traveling this week. And you know, entrepreneurs shit I got sorry,

Chris Seiter 25:12
no, you’re good, you’re good.

Regina 25:17
You know, and I was traveling a lot at work at that time helping all the entrepreneurs and building that ecosystem for early stage founders. So I was all over the state all the time. So it was very easy for me to be, hey, I’m being super ug, I’m meeting all these new people. And like, I know you actually

Chris Seiter 25:34
were doing that stuff. So you didn’t have to make it up.

Regina 25:38
That really helps, you know, because I don’t have to be threatening, and I’m not looking to date. And I didn’t really date I went on a few dates, just because that’s what you’re supposed to do. When I was like, Well, I have to go on a few dates just to make sure. Like, I really want to make sure that this is what I want. And if I’m still thinking about, if I’m feeling okay to think about somebody else, then I know this isn’t my right path. And I should just move on. But that wasn’t the case. Every time I was on a date, I couldn’t just I just felt guilty. And I was like this, this doesn’t feel right. I feel like I feel like I’m cheating. But I’m not

Chris Seiter 26:12
really common. Yeah, I mean, I find going well, I mean, I find people go on dates have like one of two reactions, either they really love it. And like, Oh, this is great. Someone’s actually treating me like nicely, or the vast majority hate it. And they do feel exactly like they’re cheating, even though they’re not.

Regina 26:31
Yeah, like, and I knew it was okay. But I just felt like I wasn’t doing my long term goal, any justice. If like, you could pretend my goal as a person over here, I was like, sorry, I’m letting you down, man. I got the slide. So we did a lot of texting. And then he started reaching out more to me. And like, you had asked me more questions. And he’d be like, do you want to go for a walk? And I was like, yeah, we can go for a walk, that’s fine. I could probably fit you in, you know, I’ll take the ducks together and walk around the lake and stuff. So we would do that. Maybe twice. We did that and then fall hit. And. And then I was like, Oh, it’s too cold for me. And he has a business in Florida. So he went there for for a few months. And then he was on his way home. And he was driving. And he had found out terrible news that his family member had passed away. And he was very close with. And I was the first person he thought to call. And so he called me and asked me to come and be with him. He’s like, I really just need a friend. I don’t want to be alone. And I was like, Well, I can’t say no, even though everybody in ERP was like, no rules. And I was like, but it’s been 10 months. Yeah, I mean, like, this isn’t like two weeks ago, like we’ve been there. And you know, and if I’m supposed to, like, be there, even though I know he’s not dating anybody, like I’m gonna be there for him. So I met up with him. And I took him out to dinner, and we just hung out. And then I had you know, I was just like, whatever you need. I know you don’t want to be alone, but like, whatever you need, like we’ll do it. Like, do you want to get drunk? Do you want to like hang out, you want to go bowling, you want to just go crying, be a puddle, whatever, I’m here. I don’t know how to do this. You know, so I was just there for him. And we ended up he just wanted to get some drinks and get a little bit drunk and just forget about it. And I was like, Okay, I’ll be your sober cab. I mean, okay, got it, I can do this. I let him just do his thing and brought him back to his house. And then he just kind of broke down at that point. And so he asked me not to leave and I ended up just we just held each other and fell asleep and then things happened in the middle of the night that you know, we’re fine. He I don’t need to divulge too much more. I think you get I think

Chris Seiter 29:05
we can we can take the context clues and figure that out.

Regina 29:09
Yeah. So then then, I felt so guilty because I was like, This is not what I wanted. Like we got an even talked about a relationship or anything like we were just hanging out and he was so vulnerable. And it was really the first time he had like, emotionally opened up and really connected with me on like that super deep level like, and like that I needed. And it was that for me. It was super. But that was like a really big turning point for me. And I also think it was for him because he had never been able to open up like that and just share those feelings. So that just kind of turned the point and you know, I gave him a space I left before he even woke up the next day because I was like, oh like I go poof and I’m gone. That’s actually

Chris Seiter 30:01
one of your smartest moves. Because like, technically speaking, you’re not supposed to sleep with your ex before you have that relationship. But things happen if you do, the best thing you can do is make it feel to them. Like it didn’t mean as much to you as it probably really did. And I feel like you leaving sort of did that. The other thing that’s kind of interesting to me about this is I’m wondering if the death of that friend or family member caused him to look at his own life and realize some of the threats and like not wanting to regret, like not trying or seeing things through with you? And that’s what sort of spurred him to have these emotional conversations with you just food for thought.

Regina 30:48
Fast forward, that is actually accurate. Yeah, we have talked.

Chris Seiter 30:53
Yes, right.

Regina 30:55
That’s exactly what he was just in that was the first like really close family member death that he had ever experienced in his life. And it was his grandfather, and they were very close. So for him, so that just it didn’t it just and he was on his way home, and he still had like 13 hours to drive alone, after just finding this out. So he had a lot of time on his hands to just think

Chris Seiter 31:16
you think in your your sort of wanting to live your life without any regrets. You know, Regina comes up to your mind.

Regina 31:28
Yeah, so yeah, that was that was, I think the biggest turning point for both of us. And then after that, he just, he kind of started pursuing me. And I didn’t have to do any, anything at that point. Other than just continue to be me and be fulfilling, hang out with my friends. And he just kept wanting to, like, absorb more of me and more of my time. And he just, I don’t know, there was a switch and I, I gave him a space. And I mirrored him a lot. And that for was really difficult to for me because I’m like the person who’s like, if you text me, I’m going to text you back, you know, or like, I will reach out to you like, Hey, I haven’t talked to you in a minute what’s going on? Are you okay? I’m gonna check on you. So that was hard for me to like, when he didn’t text me for a few days, then I have to leave him be, you know, I still use that in our relationship. Now, it’s super helpful to not let them feel like I’m overbearing, because I can be and that’s okay. I’m an emotional, like, exuberant, vibrant person, so I can totally understand also,

Chris Seiter 32:37
like, you seem pretty normal to me. I’m actually kind of curious how you handled the intimacy aspect of it. So you guys did stuff that night, you left, which I think was probably a really smart move. Did you at any point feel like, oh, I need to do what I can to avoid Friends with Benefits type of a type of scenario or situation? How did you handle that?

Regina 33:02
Absolutely. Um, it was very difficult for me. Because A, I was like, head over heels with this man. So that was very difficult to have to, like, come up with enough courage to tell him like, this is not gonna fight for me. So I waited like about four days before I even tie like, didn’t talk to him at all. I just avoided the whole situation for three days.

Chris Seiter 33:30
Like I said, brilliant stroke, that no, you probably were a mess. In those four days, I’m telling you, that was really smart. So I

Regina 33:37
waited till the day of the funeral. And that’s the day I reached out because I knew he would probably need a little bit more like love. And like, I wanted to ease his mind a little bit. So I was just like, hey, you know, thinking about you today, you know, if you need to talk later, or you need somebody let me know, I am free. I’ll be around. And so he ate that. And he’s like, Absolutely, I will let you know when I’m back in town. And I was like, Cool. And so again, I took him out to dinner. And I just told him straight up. I was like, I adore you. I I adore you. And I, I respect you a lot. But you know, and that was really great. What happened the other night, but if you don’t want to be in a relationship with me, then I can’t continue to be intimate. And that’s just what it is. Like, I have no problem being friends with you. You know, I love having you in my life. You’re a great friend to me, but like, that’s all it can be right now. And you know, and that’s okay. And he was like, but Okay, so you friendzone them for sure.

Chris Seiter 34:41
In a nice really you you worded it really elegantly like like I was just listening to and thinking oh, this is kind of nice. But then I sort of read between the lines of just like no, she’s certainly

Regina 34:53
I said it very eloquently. Yeah, I was like, Yeah, but you know, I enjoy hanging out with you. We have a good time like, and we were still like hanging out You know, once or twice a week, we could spend a couple hours together, you know, so he was just like, wait, what? Like he didn’t realize like I had, I had mad, like, the picture I painted in his head was like, We were friends the whole time. When I feel like in his head, he was thinking we were trying to rebuild this relationship. And then I was like, No, friendzone. And then he’s like, what? And then he realized he had to step it up. And so that’s what he was like, Okay, now I need to do more. And I need to really, like, Be the person she needs. Otherwise, I’m gonna be a friend. I have to show her I don’t want to be friends. So it kind of started there.

Chris Seiter 35:41
And he started doing those things, I’m assuming. Yeah,

Regina 35:45
yeah. Like we would go out and then you know, he would be get a phone call from his sister. Whatever music I’m with my girl. I’m with Allison. Or Regina.

Chris Seiter 35:57
You know, you’re awful at this secret identity thing. I’m just letting you know. Now I’m gonna have to go and edit this part out and the reason I’m bringing it up so I know where to fuck to edit this thing out. Sorry. Nice interview, I’m not gonna have to worry like about like, sometimes I have to go back and edit it out and everything. I’m just like, oh, this can be simple. I just you know, download it kind of edit the beginning and end to kind of kind of know I’m gonna have to go search for the Alice in named drill

Regina 36:34
with me. Help me. Hello, my name is Regina.

Chris Seiter 36:41
You have to write it down. I’ve learned this. I’ve done a lot of these before. Because it’s been sometimes it’s been me that screwed up. And I’ve been like, Oh, man. Don’t worry. I’ll have to edit that out. But all right, Regina, let’s.

Regina 36:55
Do you understand? The reference? Yes. Okay, I should note my dog’s name is Phoebe. IFIP a friend fanatic.

Chris Seiter 37:08
I love friends so much. It’s the best,

Regina 37:11
you know, just it’s the best.

Chris Seiter 37:15
Alright, so we were talking about? So he’s basically saying that he’s with his girl kind of insinuating your girlfriend boyfriend. But how do you get to that point where you actually who like who asks you? How do you get out of this? Pseudo girlfriend boyfriend thing?

Regina 37:35
Yeah, I really thought a lot about this. This part was, again, another one of those difficult times when being such a dismissive avoidant. Him even coming up with the idea or starting that conversation was never going to happen. So I had to, like, really think about how I can gently bring this up, and then get him to feel safe enough to talk about it. So you know, when, when we were hanging out, he would try and ask me to come hang out at his house. Or when I would, he’d be like, Well, do you want to stay the night? And I would just finally just like, I just made little, very blunt. drops, like no, that’s sorry, that’s saved for my boyfriend. Like, we’re friends. Like, no, that’s only something I do with the boyfriend. I’m sorry. Or like, that’s the boyfriend flip edge of you don’t have that anymore. I’m sorry. No, like, sorry, we’re, that’s not what this is. And he was like, oh, and then I would just be like, Nope, that’s something a boyfriend gets for me. And we’re just,

Chris Seiter 38:41
essentially you just stuck to your boundaries. Again, it’s

Regina 38:44
so hard. It was so hard. Because you know, it’s like, the love of my life and handsome and like, adorable and devils and suave and, like, genuinely just like the best human ever. So it was very difficult to be like, No, I don’t get it. No, you don’t get to

Chris Seiter 39:02
say no to Brad Pitt. You know, it’s not many women do that.

Regina 39:08
Very difficult, but also at the same time, every time I told him no, even though I knew I didn’t want to or like I would hold my boundary. It was really self empowering. Like, I felt so powerful in those moments. Because a she was respecting them, which was amazing. because not a lot of people will do like, they’ll just be like, Oh, no, no, it’s okay. It’s okay. But no, not him. He was like, oh, okay, well, if that’s how you think, okay, like he would never push me on it, which was super awesome. But also I was just like, oh, I can tell people No, this is amazing. I do know what I need to do. Okay. Got Alpha. Regina. Good job I don’t know who this other Alpha Girl

Chris Seiter 40:03
stop saying the name. Oh god, you’re making my job so much harder I have, I don’t have someone who can go and edit these, you know?

Regina 40:13
I’m gonna have to edit it for you and be like, I’m sorry. Oh, I know a guy. I know a lot of guys, like a whole entrepreneur community that owes me at least a favor.

Chris Seiter 40:25
Yeah, to edit out the Virgina sort of philanthropy thing. You know? Okay. All right. So, eventually, though you held strictly to your boundaries, and I’m sorry, I need to stop. This is this is this is what I love about interviews. Okay. So eventually, you basically hold strict to your boundaries. But you eventually have to have this talk. So who initiates this talk? Is it him falling victim to the sort of like, I’m just going to, like, plant my eye. Wag is maybe the wrong term to use, but you get what I’m saying like the like, like commitment flag, I guess.

Regina 41:15
Um, that happened around my birthday. So he saw me hanging out. I had no plans whatsoever. My boss didn’t need to launch alone for the day. He was like, Hey, you go have lunch. It’s on me. Just go take a break, have a long lunch, have a cocktail, whatever. I don’t care. Go have fun. It’s your birthday. You shouldn’t be spending like here. Well, boss, I know. Right? And so he sent me and I went to just like a block away and downtown area. So I just want to block away to the place and I’m sitting there and waiting on my pizza. Just type in on my computer. Because of course I got to work. I’m not that person. I took my laptop anyway. And so I was just sitting there, wait, and then lo and behold, here comes potato.

Chris Seiter 42:05
He’s coming in.

Regina 42:07
I didn’t know he was there. He didn’t know I was there. It was just by chance meeting. He came in to do something for his own business at the it was like a hotel. So he was doing something for the hotel. And then he saw me sitting in the restaurant alone. It was like, Well, what are you doing here alone? It’s your birthday. And he insisted on hanging out with me. And so of course, I was like, It’s my birthday. Of course. Yeah, you can pay me and sure enough. He insisted. We went back to my office, told my boss, I wasn’t coming back for the day because I had fun plans. And he was like, Sure have fun. Bye Happy Birthday. So we left spent the whole day together. And he just took me on the most amazing birthday day. And we just had drinks and dinner and played shuffleboard and did stupid things. And so eventually, we were both a little bit tipsy. And he was just like, what are we doing? And I was like, we’re hanging out what are we mean, what are we doing? And he finally was just like, No, what are we doing? I was like, okay, so you want to have this talk? And he’s like, Yeah, I was like, Okay, this is gonna be rough. Just so you know, like, I’m gonna full disclosure, like, I’m gonna drop some bombs on you right now, if you want to like, and he was like, No, I do. Or then I said, Okay, well, I think that you broke up with me prematurely. And I don’t think you gave us a very fair chance. And I think that if you’re wanting to try again, I would totally be willing to do that. But you have to, like, you have to be able to know that I’m not gonna go anywhere. And like, you have to try and be here for me, like you have to try, like together and you can’t, you have to be vulnerable. And I’m being vulnerable right now. It’s really hard for me to say this, too. And he was like, Oh, okay. And he told me about how he felt and about, you know, me being a single mom and and feeling obligated to help me with my kids. And, you know, and, and I can’t fault the person for that, that is fair. And, you know, I can see why he would feel that way, having a couple other relationships, and it failed, you know, because of the same reason. And, you know, I just had to reiterate, I’m not that person, we have the same goal in mind, like our vision of a relationship is the same. So we just have to focus on that and not let the other outside perspectives get in our way. Or try and make us feel guilty for doing things differently. You know, because we have to be happy. So it’s okay. They don’t have to live our lives. So we just have to be okay with that. And I think that was his biggest struggle was everybody else’s perception of what our relationship should look like versus what we needed. And so we’ve just been working on that ever since. You know, it’s been very slow. All very slow. And, you know, we just do our best to try and be there for each other. And, you know, and then this last fall, I mean, we’ve been dating, we were like, after my birthday, we had that conversation. We hung out a few more weeks. It was probably like two months later, he was finally like, Okay, I want you to be my girlfriend. I mean, like, it’s a very long time between all this. So we move very, very, like, I mean, it’s been, what, two years? I think he’s met my kids like four times, Max,

Chris Seiter 45:42
even today. Yeah. Yeah.

Regina 45:45
Like, I’m very much like, I don’t need somebody to help me with this, like, I

Chris Seiter 45:49
got that your Do your kids know, you’re dating him.

Regina 45:54
They like him. He he’s come over a couple times to play games, but I don’t want their perception of me to be with other men. I want my kids to be streamed on one with them. Got it. Now, and their dad isn’t in the picture, we have a great relationship. He comes in and I house all the time, he hangs out with them make some dinner while I’m at work. So like, that also is a little bit difficult for people to like, with potato being in a relationship with me being comfortable with their dad kind of like just having free access to my house. Does I want my kids to stay comfortable. And that means that they stay here. I don’t want them back and forth, back and forth. So yeah, I am very protective of my children and I have my little should be Yeah, I have I run things and I I’ve been doing it for so long by myself that it’s very selfish of me to try and ask somebody to fit into what I already have established. You know, like, we just

Chris Seiter 46:57
got to put in two years of work to get them slowly kind of integrate them into the into the Allison Regina bubble I was gonna say this has been one of the more unique interviews that you know what, it’s your fault.

Regina 47:28
In that, like, I’m gonna believe

Chris Seiter 47:30
no, it’s a it’s a really good unique. Now there’s three points that I have to remember. All right, so So he basically asks for you back after this two month. Wait, after you have this kind of long, deep, let’s have a talk conversation. And how have things been since

Regina 47:56
things have been slow still sense. And you know, that I had some tragedy of my own, with my dad suddenly passed away in September. And that was awful. And because him and I were extremely close. So that was really bad. I was just a nightmare. I still kind of am a little bit of a nightmare, but I’m better. So him seeing me go through that and like losing my person. Because like, you helped me with my kids. And sorry, I’m gonna cry a little bit.

Chris Seiter 48:39
That’s okay. No, that’s okay. Him and

Regina 48:43
I were very, very, like, we were best friends. So it was very, very hard. Shoot, sorry. Okay. But potato was there.

Chris Seiter 48:58
And he helped throughout that really difficult time.

Regina 49:02
He didn’t leave my side like he insisted, like, the family. My kids like he hadn’t met anybody, because I’m very private, with like, and have a huge family. And I’m quite boisterous. I’m the quiet one of my family. So you can imagine, take myself and like six more octaves of volume and extrovert ism, and then multiply that by 12. And that’s my immediate family.

Chris Seiter 49:28
That’s your family. So he basically went into the hornet’s nest to be by your side during that difficult time.

Regina 49:36
Yeah, so he,

Chris Seiter 49:38
I was like, I don’t know. It’s a big deal for an avoidance so if you think about it, it was huge

Regina 49:43
for him. Yeah, he was there through everything funeral planning. The Whole Nine Yards like he did not leave my site for close to two weeks. And and, like, that’s when I really knew like he really really like Even though I knew he didn’t say it, but like, I knew he loved me at that point, because that for somebody you don’t yeah, the actions

Chris Seiter 50:07
are kinda threw up. Yeah.

Regina 50:11
And so that moment, for me made me more secure in our relationship. And I was then after healing a little bit and coming to my senses. Use that as, like, I don’t get so anxious now, like, if sometimes, like, you know, when you have a relationship with somebody, you’ll have your little quarrels and disagreements, like no, I don’t want to do that, or, Hey, you didn’t follow through with this. And, and the way you communicate that with people, when you’re anxious, and you’re not secure in your relationship is completely different from when you understand, and you want to understand how you hurt that person. Because you are so secure, you know, they’re not going anywhere. So you don’t need, you can set that aside, to really figure out the root cause and how you can fix it versus just putting blame and like, Oh, what did I do wrong? Or, Oh, I’m the worst, you know. So just having that. Knowing for me how he cared without him saying was really big, and being able to just finally relax and feel secure in our relationship. Like, I don’t have to use these tools. And I don’t have to think about how am I gonna book him again, I just now I know that he really does care for me, you know. And now, I mean, that was in the fall, my dad passed, and it’s February and he was finally like, I love you. And, like, for me, that was like the end

Chris Seiter 51:46
all that was, that’s when you decided to like, post the success. So

Regina 51:53
I succeeded. Yeah, like, I didn’t even care that we were in a committed relationship anymore. I just wanted to hear though, like, for me, that was it. Like that was me being successful, like, you know, going from, I don’t want to be with you anymore to like, let’s really change both of our Dynamics and grow together. You know? And then now, we’re just, I don’t know, we’re ridiculous.

Chris Seiter 52:20
What, what’s really interesting to me is you seem to be an incredibly patient person, you know, like, you look around the community, and you see a lot of people struggling with their breakups. And they’re not able to have that same level of patience and that patience is really what’s needed. If you were dealing with someone who’s like a pretty severe, dismissive avoidant. And you seem to have had that. What’s your secret? How do I bottle up that patience and give it to other people?

Regina 52:52
Oh, gosh, I you know, I’m asked this a lot. I don’t even know where it comes from. But you know, I do have a lot of kids, and that’ll teach you patience. Definitely. Or it’ll X exacerbate the fact that you don’t have any.

Chris Seiter 53:06
But yeah, I feel like that’s my wife. And I, you know, like, I feel like I felt She’s like an incredibly patient person. And I felt like I thought I was until you have a baby screaming at you and a seven year old running around and you’re trying to get work done. And you’re just like, Just be quiet. I’m trying to focus. Best investment ever is noise cancelling headphones.

Regina 53:30
velcro shoes.

Chris Seiter 53:33
Yeah, for real, real.

Regina 53:35
tight shoes. That’s that takes some pain. Yeah. No, my, I think the my own personal like mantra for patients that really it helps me in a lot of different aspects of my life. But patients is the one thing that really helps me with is I have to like break it down. Like, especially because I’m an anxious person, and I get anxiety really easily. I always just have to break it down and think to myself, Okay, is this going to matter to me in five minutes? Is this going to alter my life in five minutes? If this isn’t gonna ultimately life in the next five minutes? I need to let it go. It’s nice. I don’t need to waste energy on it. And then I think about okay, how about the next 30 minutes? How about the next hour? Now? I think about it, is this gonna affect my life a week from now it for the worse? Is this gonna like really? Jungle in My World? And then three weeks, three months, five years? If I answer no to all of those, I let it go. And I’m just like, I give it away. Like you can have a world I don’t need it. Like just it’s not mine to carry. You know, it is just things happen. And if it’s not going to alter your whole world, there’s no sense in just like freaking out about it because that’s only internalizing, hurting you. You know, the rest of the world doesn’t care that your kid doesn’t know how to tie a shoe. I don’t care are that you’re 30 minutes late, you know, got the Velcro,

Chris Seiter 55:02
you got the velcro thing, and yeah, you’re right. I mean, we often worry about being late to functions and everything, but no one’s gonna care about that. No one’s gonna sit there and you know, in three months be like, oh, man, I really wish I was 30 minutes early to that one function. So yeah, you’re right.

Regina 55:19
Yeah, you know, I just, you know, and like, I’ll go back to the container shoe, you know, is, is it gonna matter to me in five minutes, whether or not this kid ties or shoe, no, but if I’m upset and like, frustrated, my child is going to internalize that forever. So like, I have to learn to let things go for other people, too. And that creates a lot of patients like, this isn’t for me, this is for them. So like, I can’t get worked out because they need to learn this a. And if you do it gently enough in the right way, then they’ll it’ll come from a better place. And they’ll remember it. They won’t be like anxious about I can’t tie my shoe. And they’re like, Mom, I need help. You know, and I’m like, tried twice, Friend, friend. It’s good parenting advice.

Chris Seiter 56:07
Well, you got five kids. Like, you ought to listen to this woman. You know, that’s, that’s my philosophy. I too. And I’m telling you like, I can’t imagine five, but we’re getting off topic. Sorry. No, no, no worries. So basically, looking back at your entire situation, if you could pick one thing that made the biggest difference for you? What would it be?

Regina 56:40
The one thing that made the biggest difference? Yeah. I think it was probably learning about the attachment styles. Interesting. I think that a lot of people don’t think about how your upbringing really affects your need, and your ability to love other people. And what that looks like, I think a lot of society has an ideal, based off of propaganda, and you know, social status of what they think a relationship should look like, and feel like based off of movies and things. And if you just try and understand the person and their journey, you really appreciate that person a little more, and you can give them a little more grace. Yeah, I could have been really upset and mad when potato didn’t text me right away, or when my hook didn’t work, you know, or I had to wait. I could have been really upset. But because I took the time to understand myself and my anxieties and my insecurities, and then his as well. I think that was, for me the biggest thing, because it’s just understanding where somebody comes from, so that you can meet them there. You know, and I learned that in my entrepreneur circle and teaching entrepreneurs like, I always say, I will meet the entrepreneur, where they’re at, and then we bring them forward. So if I don’t do the relationship, I can’t really help these entrepreneurs either. Because, you know, what, am I doing? Translate? Practice

Chris Seiter 58:24
what you preach type thing, but yeah, yeah.

Regina 58:29
I just tried to differently, like, what is what is the end goal? It’s really, because I’m not looking for marriage. And I don’t want to have any more children, because I already have mine. So my end goal is the human connection. And I’m doing myself an injustice if I’m not trying to find that true thing.

Chris Seiter 58:52
You know, I think what you’re really trying to find vs. My opinion is a partner. You’re trying to find a partner that you can be with pretty much for the rest of your life sounds kind of corny, but that’s kind of it, you know, someone that you can trust so implicitly on that level that you can rely on? I think that’s what you’re after.

Regina 59:14
You know, I told him that too, you know, I don’t I don’t want a husband. I want a partner I want to I want somebody that we can both learn and love and grow in love together and share our lives with not intertwine and create something new. I already created my life.

Chris Seiter 59:31
Well, you know, it’s interesting, I’ve been doing a lot of research on narcissism. And I promise this is not going to relate to your to your potato at all, but it was something you said just kind of triggered me. It’s interesting because as you’ve experienced in your life, as you age, grow older, getting new experiences, you change. You’re no longer the person necessarily that that person eventually fell in love with and usually what happens in the breakup of marriages Just one person changes a lot. And the other person doesn’t grow with them, like you said. And it’s interesting because when you when they study narcissists, the narcissists literally cannot handle the other person growing. And that’s one of the reasons why they start devaluing the person consistently, they’ve tried to keep them the same person. But if you I don’t want to say this, because I don’t ever condone it, but they’ve actually done research on what works to get narcissists attention. So like, there’s like the cycle that they’ll go through, you know, though, they’ll shower you with gifts, and they’ll devalue you, then they’ll kind of like break up with you, and then they’ll hover. And then it just kind of like the cycle repeats over and over. Yeah, so But what’s really interesting to know,

Regina 1:00:51
it should be recovery program for that too. I think

Chris Seiter 1:00:56
I think there is, but what’s interesting is what they when they studied narcissists, they found that what worked to get them like intrigued in you, again, is if you change so dramatically, that actually, like captures your attention. So one of the reasons I’m, I’m researching this is because I need to make sure to help men and women, like figure out if their exes are narcissists. Because like, a lot of the advice that we give to people like yourself is like, Hey, we’re not asking you to change, we’re just asking you to kind of max out your stats, if you will, in your life. And as a result of that people will be drawn to you. And as a result of that your ex may be drawn to you. Unfortunately, this is also what works on narcissists. And we need to give people the tools necessary to identify Yeah, that person’s narcissist, you need to avoid them like the plague. Yeah, but yeah, yeah, so that was a weird, no. Weird thing.

Regina 1:02:05
Totally relatable. Because I mean, my ex husband is definitely fits that bill. I mean, it was not a good marriage by any means. And I endured it for a very long time. So yeah, I totally understand. That’s also part of the reason why I am so independent. Now this because I need that to feel like I’m okay. From being in that situation for so long. So,

Chris Seiter 1:02:34
what’s interesting that that situation probably made you anxious, you know, like, like, it exacerbated your anxiety. Would you say that’s accurate?

Regina 1:02:42
Oh, yeah, I was a wreck. I was a wreck through that whole relationship, but it was not good. I ended up having a heart condition and like, bad things happen. I’m fine. But like, like, I just, I could never live up to the expectation of my partner at that time, my husband, so I just over exhausted myself trying to fit the mold that was ever changing, to just feel like I was accepted by him. And it just, I just got tired of it. And I got worn out. And I just said, you know, I can’t do this anymore. And then, once I left, it was very difficult, got really bad. And then he went away for a while, disappeared, figured it out his own things. And then now we’re good, which is great, because now we can have like a good co parenting but yeah, it’s even still. We’re not together anymore. But now that I have kind of had that time to step away from that kind of relationship. And being in that narcissistic, abusive place, it’s so much easier for me to see it now. Like, in our conversations and like the way he’ll he’ll still do it to me, and I don’t let him do it to our kids, which is good, but like, the one thing I’ve noticed is boundaries. a narcissist cannot accept boundaries, no even smallest of boundary. It’s, you know, and like, that’s what I tell my kids, you know, and they’re starting to date and explore relationships, even though I don’t want them to but they’re, they’re young, they’re gonna do it anyway. You know? So I just tell them, you know, be true to you and have a boundary and if people don’t respect that, that’s a very good indicator that they don’t need to be a part of your life. And they shouldn’t because even the simplest thing, you know, like hey, could you just give me an extra inch here? Yeah, yeah, and if you go away and somebody is a narcissist, they will still gonna come back. Yeah, it’s weird. But

Chris Seiter 1:04:55
it’s interesting because I think what that experience and a time away a lot she’d have some perspective and look at it like, but it’s interesting because when you look at people that are in relationships with narcissists will often make excuses for them or there’ll be so wrapped up into it. And it’s actually hard to get them to have that perspective because they’re in love. They’re like literally in love and you don’t think clearly when you’re in love. So I think like, one of the things that’s really important to do before you decide to date anyone is like, go through the I think this is like one of the prerequisites I’m going to start having people do just between you and I before they try to get their exes back. I think they need to first figure out what their exes attachment style is. To the best knowledge. I mean, there’s no way we can guarantee it without their ex actually taking a test and everything, but also figure out if their ex is a narcissist. Narcissism is rare, it’s possible to have, you know, a dismissive avoidant with some narcissistic traits, everyone has some of the narcissistic traits. But a narcissist kind of has, like, Was it like seven out of the nine or five out of the nine or something like, like a lot out of the amount? So I think that’s kind of should be a prerequisite, before you get back with an ex, because those are the red flags. And that’s what no one teaches you about dating. There’s no no course for that in school.

Regina 1:06:20
They don’t teach you common life scenarios in school. It’s just all education, but book education. And that’s life it no ends at high school, basically, and that it’s real life. And I was like, oh, figure it out. And they’re like, yeah,

Chris Seiter 1:06:35
yeah, that’s pretty much it. Or college where they’ll put you in debt for the rest of your life. And, yeah,

Regina 1:06:41
I just tell my kids just be happy. Just I don’t care if you’ve never stepped foot in college. I don’t care. Just graduate high school, and be a happy, healthy, productive member of society. That’s all I require. That’s it graduate high school and be a productive member of society. I don’t give a crap what you do after that, yeah, I’m here. Happy day, I’ll make it dinner.

Chris Seiter 1:07:00
You and I have a lot of the same philosophy about college, but

Regina 1:07:04
I did call it I went to college. Three times, actually be a doctor.

Chris Seiter 1:07:14
So, Regina, thanks for coming onto this. And doing this success story interview, it was actually really illuminating for me, not only the patients, but also you’re kind of a model example of how you handle someone who has an X that has dismissive tendencies.

Regina 1:07:35
Yeah, it’s you definitely off the charts and the whole thing, I mean, took him almost a year to tell me you love me. And he’s like, I’ve been wanting to tell him forever. And I was like, Well, how long forever and he’s like, seven

Chris Seiter 1:07:49
year old. But he did. And that’s what matters.

Regina 1:07:57
And now he says it not only to me, but he says in front of other people, which is really big. Like, for me, that’s a huge milestone, you know, whatever it is like why

Chris Seiter 1:08:05
I love that you didn’t consider it a success. Because for anyone listening to this, I know we’re getting to the end and everything. But this is important. She did not like I went before this interview to like, look at the timing of your of your historical community posts and everything. You like. There was like a year where you just didn’t post you were together in that year. You did not consider like you got him back like almost a year ago. Right? Yeah. Or seven, eight months ago, whatever it was. You did not post your success story until last week. And yeah, only after he told you. I love you.

Regina 1:08:46
Yeah, because that was that was the end goal. You know, like God, I don’t want a relationship. I want a partner and I want somebody to love and care for me and I want to love him and this is a purse, I choose him. I choose him and I even told them that I was like I pick you you’re stuck with me too bad.

Chris Seiter 1:09:06
Thank you so much for coming on to doing this.

Regina 1:09:08
Yeah, thank you. It was amazing. I not even a problem like I the least I could do is give you a little bit of my time for everything that this program has given me and I’ve really appreciate it so if you ever need anything, let me know. Or at least a laugh. I’m here for doing it.

The post Success Story: How This Woman Got Her Dismissive Avoidant Ex Back Using Attachment Theory first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I’d like to talk about how long you should wait to get an ex back by posing a question that no one ever seems to think to ask,

Is there such a thing as getting an ex back too fast?

I’ve talked a lot in the past about this concept that’s been plaguing our success stories,

Half of all success stories end up breaking up again within a year of getting back together.

There are a few outliers though and those outliers are going to be the key to answering this question.

First things first though,

• I’d like to start by taking a look at recovery time based on situation (I did a study on this last year)
• Then I’d like to transition to talking about the statistics and the averages
• Then, what took me the longest when it came to this discussion, “re-auditing” the successes to see how many were still together
• And then coming up with a final answer on exactly how long you should be waiting to get back together with an ex

Let’s jump right in!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizTaking A Look At Recovery Time By SituationLast year I wrote a rather controversial (and self admittedly flawed article) where I was trying to figure out the recovery time it took to get an ex back based on situational circumstances.

Types Of Breakups Ranked By Recovery Time Frame

• You break up with them (1 month)
• You don’t do a no contact rule after the breakup (1 month) *I believe this is an outlier
• You have a long distance ex (1.5 months)
• You’ve been blocked by an ex (1.5 months)
• You act overly anxious after the breakup (1.5 months)
• You go “all in” on the no contact rule (2 months)
• They break up with you (3 months)
• Your ex is extremely fearful avoidant (6 months)
• You’ve been ghosted by an ex (10 months)
• You are in an on again/off again relationship (10 months)
• Your ex breaks up with you when you are pregnant (15 months)
• Your ex moves on to someone else (36 months)

I say the article was flawed mostly because there really wasn’t enough data per situation. Since most of the success story interviews I have conducted either are inconclusive with their “situation” or are considered to be in a “general” category, it was impossible to definitively pin point a timeframe based on situational circumstances.

We’re getting there though.

However, the one good thing that came out of it was that it allowed me the time to go through and pinpoint a time frame based on non generalized based breakups.

Looking At The Statistics From The StudyWhen you average the twelve success stories above together you actually find that the average time it took these successes to get their exes back was,

7.2 months

Which is interesting because it’s a little different than our 5.2 month marker we have on this page.

Why?

Well, the most obvious answer is that it’s because the 5.2 months takes into account the entirety of our success stories whereas the twelve situational cases I listed above only looked at a sample of each of the cases.

And the hardest cases at that.

In general the assumption of a 5.2 months average is still your best bet.

But this brings up an interesting question.

You see, if I’m being brutally honest about our program and successes the big issue is that most of the men and women coming through it have no intention of ever breaking up with their exes ever again.

Yet, they do.

It’s Not Just About Figuring Out How Long It’ll Take To Get Your Ex Back, It’s About Not Breaking Up AgainThe question we are really trying to answer in this discussion is figuring out the very best time frame to get an ex back in.

For example, it may be true that you can get your ex back in as quick as 5.2 months but that might not actually be ideal if you break up again.

I want to learn if waiting a longer period of time to get an ex back is actually ideal.

My gut tells me it is but I want to check the research.

Luckily we can do that by doing an audit of the 12 individuals I interviewed to figure out if they are still together with their ex.

1. You break up with them (1 month) (Still Together)
2. You don’t do a no contact rule after the breakup (1 month) (Inconclusive)
3. You have a long distance ex (1.5 months) (Not Together)
4. You’ve been blocked by an ex (1.5 months) (Not Together)
5. You act overly anxious after the breakup (1.5 months) (Inconclusive)
6. You go “all in” on the no contact rule (2 months) (Not Together)
7. They break up with you (3 months) (Not Together)
8. Your ex is extremely fearful avoidant (6 months) (Still Together)
9. You’ve been ghosted by an ex (10 months) (Still Together)
10. You are in an on again/off again relationship (10 months) (Not Together)
11. Your ex breaks up with you when you are pregnant (15 months) (Not Together)
12. Your ex moves on to someone else (36 months) (Still Together)

I’ve divided the twelve into three categories.

1. Still together (meaning as of the writing of this article the couple still remains together)
2. Not together (another breakup between the couple has occurred)
3. Inconclusive (I couldn’t determine if they were together or not)

Here was the breakdown.

• 33% (4 out of 12) were still together
• 50% (6 out of 12) had broken up again
• 17% (2 out of 12) were inconclusive

So, like I’ve been saying all along, half of all the couples that we get back together break up again. Not exactly the stuff of legend, if you ask me but I believe in honesty and that’s the honest truth.

It’s by looking at those 33% of individuals who ended up staying together where we can potentially find our answer to if there’s an ideal time frame in which you should be getting your ex back.

The Tortoise And The Hare ApproachFor simplicities sake I would like to dive our twelve success story study up into two categories,

1. The hare (they got back together quickly)
2. The tortoise (they took their time)

This of course is a direct nod to Aseop’s fable of the Tortoise and the Hare which, as you’ll see, turns out to be an apt comparison.

So, let’s take a look at our hares.

1. You break up with them (1 month) (Still Together)
2. You don’t do a no contact rule after the breakup (1 month) (Inconclusive)
3. You have a long distance ex (1.5 months) (Not Together)
4. You’ve been blocked by an ex (1.5 months) (Not Together)
5. You act overly anxious after the breakup (1.5 months) (Inconclusive)
6. You go “all in” on the no contact rule (2 months) (Not Together)

Basically these were the individuals who got their exes back within 2 months of starting our program.

If you actually throw out every inconclusive all but one of them ended up breaking up again.

Now let’s take a look at the Tortoise.

1. They break up with you (3 months) (Not Together)
2. Your ex is extremely fearful avoidant (6 months) (Still Together)
3. You’ve been ghosted by an ex (10 months) (Still Together)
4. You are in an on again/off again relationship (10 months) (Not Together)
5. Your ex breaks up with you when you are pregnant (15 months) (Not Together)
6. Your ex moves on to someone else (36 months) (Still Together)

It’s an even 50/50 split.

Still not great.

However, they outperform the hares in longevity.

Thus, in the case of breakups, it seems Aesop was right. Slow and steady does end up winning the race.

The post How Long Should You Wait To Get An Ex Back? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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A few days ago our community received this post,

And I just knew I had to interview her. What followed was one of the best conversations I’ve ever had with an ex recovery member.

We talked about all sorts of things ranging from,

• Thida’s Story
• The transition from anxious to secure
• The importance of social media game
• Advice on what really works to not just get one ex back (but all exes)
• Trinity work
• Motivation on how to stick with the program
• The importance of having a battle buddy

Enjoy!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizChris Seiter 00:03
All right, today we have an interview that is one of the more unique ones that I think we’ve ever had on this is Thida. And not only did I believe the the group posts that you posted in the community was like, I didn’t just get my ex back. I’ve had every ex come back since I’ve started going through this. So her and I are just gonna have an organic conversation. But thanks for coming on and doing this Thida.

Thida 00:29
Thank you for having me. Like I told you earlier, I completely manifested this. I literally, when I was writing that little post on Facebook, I said, the moment I write this, I’m gonna hear from Chris and I’m gonna be sitting with him having an interview. Right? Yeah.

Chris Seiter 00:44
And that’s pretty much exactly what happened. Yeah. Okay, so why don’t you take us back to the dark days, one year ago? Exactly. Around this time, I think. Just take us, take us through the journey.

Thida 00:59
Okay. So my husband, I, we were together for seven years. We broke up in June of 2011. I’m sorry, not 2011 2021.

Chris Seiter 01:08
We are back 10 years

Thida 01:12
2021. I found your videos, I started binge watching everything. It seemed like nothing worked for me to get I wasn’t utilizing any of your, you know, the programs. And it wasn’t until April of 2022 is when I actually signed up for the program. And I had, I was on a trip overseas. And I literally read the whole book like three times, within a two week period that I was overseas, and I like found your podcast downloaded and listened to everything like probably two or three times within those two weeks of me traveling overseas to Europe. So it was like I wanted to like immerse myself in the program. I joined the Facebook group with mashed up with a battle buddy, her name is Bianca. I were like the closest friends now we talk like all the time, so it’s amazing. It’s awesome support. Nothing seemed to work out. And I would you know, when they say don’t do like the, you know, during no contact, like don’t respond and all that I completely broke no contact, I wasn’t. It wasn’t me reaching out, it was him reaching out. And then me being like, Oh, I’m getting some type of attention. So I should at least respond back. And I literally broke no contact, no contact probably five or six times, like, you know, within like a few weeks in or whatever. And it wasn’t until it was August of 2022 is when I said I’ve had enough and Oh, during this time too. I did everything like they said not to not to do like stalking, paying attention to what he’s doing. Just focusing on him. Like, I don’t know what was going on with me at the time, I was just focused on him. And it wasn’t until like I said, August was when I don’t know something snapped in me and I was just like, Okay, I need to change. This isn’t working for me anymore. So I’m just gonna leave him be go completely, you know, no contact forever. It was for me. And I literally he messaged me again and I literally told him to eff off. And I was like, you’re out of my life eff off. And I just focused on myself. And then that’s was last year and it’s been like six months. And my my life has like take taken like leaps and bounds. Like quantum leaps. I’ve, you know, my career took off people that were meant to be in my life. I feel like people who were like they just matched with you on on a you know, on that level. I came into my life things that were like, you know, synchronistic happen. So, yeah, that’s basically what

Chris Seiter 03:45
happened. So I feel very well, no, no, no, you wouldn’t

Thida 03:50
give up. It wasn’t until I gave up that he came right back into my life. So

Chris Seiter 03:54
why don’t you talk about that, like that the decision that you made to basically be like, Screw this, I’m not doing this anymore. Like I’m doing. I’m doing me instead of yeah, maybe, maybe I should find a different way of phrasing it. No, you’re

Thida 04:07
fine. You’re fine. So like I said, I broke no contact, like five or six times and five or six times and one of my favorite things I always say is in order to change the dance, you have to change the song. And I felt like I was just repeating the same song over and over to where nothing was happening. And I felt like alright, this is too crazy. I just need to let them go. So like I said, I told him eff off and I completely dropped off the face of the earth to him. i He never heard a peep from me. But my social media was still active, I was posting where I was going what I was doing, like I said my career like took off. And and during this time he never from what I thought he was not paying attention. And but somehow he was so somehow he was finding this or somebody was telling him and with after like maybe 60 days of complete silence he messaged me and and basically said like everything a girl in my opinion Listen would have wanted to hear was like I love you. I you know, I regret everything I want to get back together and want to, I want to work this out literally everything or girl could wish in that situation. And I just said no.

Chris Seiter 05:13
So had you guys this is your ex husband? Correct? Okay, so had you guys had sort of an on and off again type relationship. So it was just like you you’re divorced. You’re kind of like, I want to try to find a way to fix this after the divorce. And it’s interesting, did you? Did you ever take one of those attachment style tests online to figure out like what your attachment style was and try to figure out what his attachment style was

Thida 05:40
secured. He’s anxious.

Chris Seiter 05:42
Okay, well, that’s interesting. So he’s anxious. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So

Thida 05:47
the process I kind of flipped from secure to anxious, if that makes any sense, because I was secure before and then it became anxious during the breakup? Well,

Chris Seiter 05:55
obviously, yeah, I think that’s a big thing that most people misunderstand about attachment styles is like, your life circumstances have a huge impact on it. So you can be completely secure. But if you’re in a relationship with someone who’s like an anxious person or an avoidant person, or you go through a very stressful time in life, you’re paying your secure side. Time. kind of anxious. Yeah, it seems like that’s what happened to you. Yeah. We don’t get many anxious exes. So what about him? made you think or realize, oh, he has an anxious attachment style? Maybe marriage? Yeah.

Thida 06:32
always anxious. He was always like, making sure I was okay, making sure that I was happy. Just he had very anxious tendencies, like little things would make him very anxious. So including me, he was always wondering, like how I was doing in the relationship if I was happy, or whatever, you know.

Chris Seiter 06:48
Okay. So this is another interesting question, I’d like to ask you. So you go through this mindset shift, you know, maybe three or four months after you get into the group or the community, you’ve been paired with battle, buddy, everything seems to kind of be like not working for you. And you change the song to use your own words. When you did that, what was his reaction? Was it just radio silence for however long it took before he reached out and told you everything he wanted? You wanted to hear?

Thida 07:15
It was radio silence from him? Yeah. First for that. 60 days.

Chris Seiter 07:20
And those 60 days, were you checking his social media. You just sit

Thida 07:26
there going? Yeah, by then it was 35 or six times it failed, you know, no contact. And I was just like, I give up. And it was like the moment my energy shifted, and I like went off the grid of that relationship. That was when he came like he’s now back like a rubber band.

Chris Seiter 07:44
Yeah, it’s kind of amazing. I often talk about that a lot on the YouTube channel, which is like, hey, it’s almost you have to like kind of fail and just throw your hands up in the air before, like, all of a sudden, something different happens.

Thida 07:56
something to be said about that. What do you think

Chris Seiter 07:59
it is, I’m curious to get your take because it happened to you.

Thida 08:03
I feel like he felt it energetically the same with like, I like I said, in my post, I, literally every guy from my past within the past four or five months, like even people that I’ve went on, like maybe one date with who don’t even have my number anymore, I don’t even live in the same side of the country. All of a sudden, they found me on social media. And I’m not even saying like, Oh, there’s a handful. I’m talking to like, 2030 people that I haven’t heard from all within a short span of that time. So I felt like there was like, shockwaves that went out into the world. And here they are.

Chris Seiter 08:35
Do you think that was more of an energy based thing? Or do you think it was more of you posting a little bit more frequently on social media and then take paying attention and sensing the energy?

Thida 08:46
I think, while I was my posts have been the same amount. But I feel like it’s energetically because I haven’t changed. Like how many times I was posting or anything like that. It was I the only thing I can attribute it to is energy they sensed it.

Chris Seiter 09:02
Yeah, I mean, you must have been doing something different in the posts, maybe. I don’t know, I’ve always

Thida 09:09
my career took off. Like, you know, I started getting like really big media contracts. I was posting that. So it went from like literally as cuz I do a little bit of modeling on the side. And so I

Chris Seiter 09:19
was just couldn’t tell. So I was doing a little bit of you know,

Thida 09:23
and then I got these really big magazine contracts that like wanted to work with me so I was posting stuff like that. I was making trips around the world like showing different areas of the world that I was going to I was literally just having the time of my life.

Chris Seiter 09:37
Okay, so I guess the content of the post is the most important thing like I guess it’s more intriguing and in your doing more high value things I guess for for men. And so obviously your ex husband was the first one to kind of like, start crawl back to you a little bit

Thida 09:57
but I was a guy too and I broke up with him and he was actually also watching my stuff somehow incognito as well. So

Chris Seiter 10:06
okay, so after you would break up with your dad, let’s talk about this boyfriend that you broke up with I only obvious for

Thida 10:13
for two months he had abandonment issues and I guess to him it was either it was easier to just dump me first than to have me abandoned him later on. I don’t know.

Chris Seiter 10:23
That’s kind of an avoidant. Definitely an avoidance tactic, I guess.

Thida 10:28
But you think it was free to getting hurt? So, you so

Chris Seiter 10:31
you’re saying you all you really had to do to get these guys back was just like, kill it in life? And that just by association

Thida 10:39
100 100%.

Chris Seiter 10:41
That’s amazing. You know, that’s, that’s, that almost seems so simple. So what like, what, what, what did you do to start killing it at life? Because obviously, I mean, if we back up to the breakup, you quite clearly made a ton of mistakes, broke no contact, we’re stalking him on social media and things like that. Was it a gradual process to get to the, you know, like, Alright, I’m done attitude. And I’m just gonna focus on me like, What are some of your tips for someone listening to this that’s going to be struggling with that aspect of it?

Thida 11:12
For me, I did struggle between April and August, I did, I did struggle. But something snapped. By the time I had failed. No, no contact, like the fifth time that I was just like, I need to, I need to give up because this is crazy. And I felt like I was stuck in a cycle that I couldn’t get out of. So it was when I decided to choose me first. That was the first thing was that there was something energy energetically about me that I needed to focus on myself. Because I couldn’t be giving my energy away to him. It wasn’t benefiting meeting me in any way. It wasn’t making any personal growth. So the moment I decided to pull myself out of there, focus on 100%. Like, I literally did not even think of him I, I I started. People things I did, I started calling them shiny objects. So I needed like different shiny objects to like, fill up my time, so I wouldn’t think of it. And eventually, I think it didn’t get easy until around like 40 or 45 days to where I completely forgot about him at all. So you know, the first one to like 45 days, you know, I would think about him intermittently.

Chris Seiter 12:23
And it took like, what you said like six months? 60 days? 60? I knew. Yeah. For him to come back, I guess. Okay, that’s interesting. And obviously, you said no. So how did that conversation go?

Thida 12:41
He literally just said, you know, like, like I said, everything that a girl would want to hear in that situation. I love you. I want to get back to you. I made all these mistakes. I’m willing to do anything. And I just lit I literally said, I don’t want to do it anymore. I can’t do it anymore. I’ve moved on emotionally.

Chris Seiter 12:58
Okay, so here’s, here’s the big question. You had that conversation with him? After you had the conversation with him? Did he give up?

Thida 13:05
No, he’s, of course not. He actually is one of the very first people to wish me good morning and one of the last people to wish me good night. And throughout like every single day since then, this is probably back in maybe September. I hear from Him every day. He’s he’s one of the first to watch any of my social media posts to comment on them to ask how I’m doing. He’s literally one of my biggest fans now. So it’s actually yeah, it’s actually pretty funny.

Chris Seiter 13:37
So your advice to someone who wants that kind of an outcome is weirdly enough? Kill it at life. Give up on trying to get that back?

Thida 13:45
Yes, absolutely. 100% If I could do it over, or any advice I could give to the ladies and gentlemen. It’s just a complete, no contact, don’t even like bother. Like, it’s not even worth your time you if you want to be stuck. Focus on yourself. And you know, that eventually the universe will give you the ability to choose between what you want and maybe it’s not you choosing them anymore.

Chris Seiter 14:12
Okay, so basically, your tactic is interesting to me, because you I often talk about this concept of like, you know, a lot of our success stories they’ve let go, and then by the time they let go that’s usually when the X sort of comes back. So I’m always trying to teach people to let go quicker so that they can kind of like speed the process up a little bit. And you seem to have Yeah, and I guess that’s the really difficult part. And you said like, all your exes came back though, every single one

Thida 14:45
and more wasn’t just my it was every literally everybody I’ve known from my whole entire existence.

Chris Seiter 14:51
Okay, so this is really interesting because they weren’t coming back before.

Thida 14:55
No. What do you think that was? I can only attribute to energy Okay, do you think? Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

Chris Seiter 15:04
Oh, all right. Do you think it had anything to do with the fact that how long were you guys divorced before you try to enter the program? Sir? I’m just asking. So it

Thida 15:11
was October of 2021 was when at the end of October 2021 was when we divorced. I joined the program April in 2022. So that follow up.

Chris Seiter 15:22
All right. So I mean, it’s all relatively quick, do you think? Okay, so, I want you to think back. I know divorce is kind of a hard thing to look look at. But I’m actually really cute. I’m just following my own curiosity here. All right, so you go through this divorce? Did you see an uptick? And then a number of men sliding into your DMS exes coming back then? Or it was just silent completely?

Thida 15:43
Well, I didn’t let anybody know that I was divorced. So I didn’t even tell my family. I was divorced until six months later. So yeah, so it was it was very, it was a hard thing for me to tell them. And I generally don’t keep my private life on social media. So like, nobody knew for the longest time.

Chris Seiter 16:04
Okay, so do you think the exes coming back had more to do with the fact that they realized, Oh, she’s single now? Versus the fact that oh, she’s married? I need to back off?

Thida 16:14
No, because they did? No, no, they didn’t know. Because even then, when I was married, I didn’t post a lot of him because I kept mostly my social media was for business.

Chris Seiter 16:24
Okay. That’s interesting. So basically, your social media strategy was doing well at work, I guess. And I guess even the modeling thing would be work too, right? Yeah, you’re getting paid for it. So. So you get well at work. And I’m wondering if there’s also like, a social aspect to it. Like, you know, there’s like a certain prestige to getting a magazine contract as a model thing. I don’t know what you do. And so that’s not your full time gig, right? No, I’m a marketing director. Okay, so you’re killing it at work getting these contracts and everything you’re posting about them. So you clearly got the wealth aspect of the Holy Trinity down, did you do anything like health and relationships related?

Thida 17:05
I lost like 30 pounds. Within that time, I got into like, the best shape of my life. Like I said, I I did things within that short year, that probably I like, I couldn’t have done within 10 years, like prior. Like, I felt like everything was just like, condensed into that one year. So like I said, I lost weight. I my career, like skyrocketed didn’t just take off, it skyrocketed. Everything that I said I was going to accomplish. I did all within that year.

Chris Seiter 17:39
Okay. So and you did go on dates with other people too. Yeah. Right. I did, how many dates Okay, so basically, you just went all in on this trinity concept and posted about it on social media, which created the energy necessary for the ex to be like, something is different. Yeah. Okay, that’s interesting. Why did you guys break up originally,

Thida 18:11
he had a, he also had to had abandonment issues. But he had an ex, he just kept coming back year after you’re at, you know, like a kind of like, the one that got away type of thing. And I just felt like there was always something off. So that I mean, he didn’t cheat on me or anything. But you know, I broke it off because I said, you know, if she’s always going to be there in the background somewhere, you need to go and figure that out. So that was why we divorced. He actually did go back to her and figured out that’s not what he wanted. Of course. Yeah. So.

Chris Seiter 18:44
Yeah. Okay. That’s interesting. So how long were you guys married? Five years together? Seven, five years together. Seven, you break up you broken up maybe for like, seven, eight months by the time he’s coming crawling back. But

Thida 19:02
dating multiple other girls too. So they were multiple other women.

Chris Seiter 19:08
Okay, but I guess they never compared to you.

Thida 19:11
Yeah, I guess not. Especially you’re so Yugi right.

Chris Seiter 19:16
Yeah. So basically, you just killed it. So what was the motivating drive to because I think the hardest thing for people in the community is like, doing the stuff like taking that first step because they’re they’re just so crippled by grief, depression and everything that goes along with the breakup. Would you like like so you lost 30 pounds, right? What is your motivation to get up in the morning? Go to the gym when you’re just like, I don’t want to do it today.

Thida 19:44
Yeah, at first I didn’t. I felt like I had to hit rock bottom first, in order to stick with the program because even when I read through the program the first time when I was on that flight, I even like kind of just skimmed through the Trinity. Hey, I’m admitting it because it’s like, because you know, it’s easier to not work on yourself, right? Because people were like one of everything but work on yourself. And it wasn’t like it. Like I said, it wasn’t until like, I really just had to be so fed up that I wanted change so badly that I was just willing to say, Hey, I love myself more right now than I love him. So I need to dedicate the energy I was putting into him into me. And for me, I had to hit rock bottom.

Chris Seiter 20:30
And for you hitting rock bottom, that just caused a shift of was there any kind of like revenge aspect to it? Because no. Okay, so for you, it was just all about myself, like, I’m done thinking about him. I just need to take that energy and put it into myself.

Thida 20:47
Well, yeah. And plus, if you’re putting that revenge energy out there, it’s kind of a negative energy. I didn’t want it out. And so I wished him well, I wish you know, I don’t think ill of him at all. Like I said, because we talk like every

Chris Seiter 20:59
day now, you’re a lot kinder than most people, I’ll tell you,

Thida 21:02
I mean, I don’t like putting that bad energy that bad juju out there, because eventually it’ll come back to you. And I just focused like said on 100%. Everything to do with me. And I saw I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish. And literally everything on that list, including having this conversation with you, is complete, you know. So it’s like, well, what else now? I can have another list?

Chris Seiter 21:26
Yeah, I think so. I mean, like, what, what is it that you want at this point? Do you want to get remarried to someone like, what’s your overall relationship goal?

Thida 21:36
You know what, I’m actually really happy where I am right now, I’m still single. And I’m not in a rush to be in relationship. I’m not even looking, I’m just focusing on feeling good every day, and making sure I’m being the best human that I could be. So that’s where I am at in life. I’m just happy where I’m at.

Chris Seiter 21:54
I feel like your success stories, one of the more important ones that we’ve had, because it really hammers home the point I’m always trying to make, which is like you really before you talk to your ex, you really need to get to that place. Mostly, we’re just like, I’m okay. All right. And you seem to have embodied that. But it took you hitting the rock bottom. And that took a while, you know, so I guess the the big thing that I’m curious about is that journey for you to actually hit rock bottom, you know, making a lot of the mistakes like what? Why would you keep making the same mistakes? You know? Like, why wouldn’t Why did it take you so long to change? The song, I guess, is what I’m asking.

Thida 22:39
For number one, because time, you know, as time goes by, during this time, like I said, I failed probably five or six times, you hear from them after not hearing from them. And you’re so wishing that the relationship could be back to where it was that you’re you’re basically forgetting yourself just to do something that you think would bring them back into your life. And like I said, it was after being hurt for so much seeing him try to move on to with other women, you know, he’s dealing with things his own way. And it was just just being hurt. At some point, you got to be tired of being hurt. You got to be tired of feeling sorry for yourself. And what’s not working for me like that timeframe was just too incredulous to be upset or sad or angry. So like I said, it was like one day a light switch just went off. And I was a completely different girl the next day.

Chris Seiter 23:32
What about your battle buddy? Did your battle buddy like also she’s

Thida 23:35
in a relationship. Now she’s, she’s great. Oh my god. She’s the best thing to come from that program. She She is awesome. We talked to each other a lot. She’s in another relationship. Now we would we would have conversations where like, she’s like, Okay, girl, you need to talk me into not texting him or whatever. And we back and forth, or, you know, so many hours with her many, many hours.

Chris Seiter 23:59
Did her ex also come back or ask for her back? At some point? Actually,

Thida 24:02
he didn’t. But she moved on. So I don’t know if he would have because now he’s all you know, she’s in a better relationship. And he’s all over her social media. So I don’t know if he would come back.

Chris Seiter 24:13
So I guess it’s a it’s a happy ending for both for both parties. Which is great. Yeah. So the battle buddy, you felt like the battle buddy aspect of the program and the community was the best. The best part that that level of accountability, I guess is is there?

Thida 24:31
Yeah. Because, you know, during any type of like a big breakup, you kind of feel like you’re going crazy, right? None of your family members want to hear you talk about it. You feel like there’s nobody to talk to. And so so to be in a community of 1000s of individuals who are going through the same thing, you feel less crazy. And you feel like you know, you have something that you can talk about because you’re all going through the same things whereas your family members, they’re only going to tell you just move on but it’s like they don’t have to Anything that come after that, you know, whereas, you know, you actually have a program of the steps you do after, you know,

Chris Seiter 25:08
right? Well, you know, I think the the community aspect, I’ve been thinking a lot about the community itself. And I think the reason it works so well is that there’s like three layers of accountability, you know, you have the peer to peer accountability, which is like you in the battle buddy. But then you have like the veteran accountability, which is like people who’ve been through it, and are still there and kind of providing their advice. And then you of course, have like, the coaching accountability, like the experts that are coming in and doing that. And I think that’s really the real big value of, of the, of the community as a whole. But it seems like you, the big part of your journey from understanding is like hitting rock bottom, having that be the realization that I need to move on. And then actually moving on and then seeing the results, but not just seeing the results. Like oh, I really wanted this like seeing results like crazier than you ever expected, like every single guy you’ve ever dated trying to ask for you back. Which is pretty,

Thida 26:07
pretty fake moving on, you know? Because like, yeah, you it’s like the moving on without moving on. Right? Yeah. There’s something to be said for that. And I did try to move on. But it like I said it was moving on without moving on. And that didn’t work. It literally something must have kicked in energetically. It wasn’t until that snap in me happened, that light switch happened, that everything else fell into place.

Chris Seiter 26:32
Yeah, so that you can’t this isn’t a fake it till you make it type thing. This is like you actually have to do it. And then once you do it, things will be better for you. But I think the hardest part for people listening to this is taking it on faith because it’s like, it’s an outcome that they they don’t know, there’s no guarantee that will happen. You know? So what can you say to someone like that, you know, you’ve lived through it,

Thida 26:57
for me like holding on is like adding resistance to that wire, right? The more resistance, the more resistance you add to a wire, the energy can travel through it, because there’s resistance, once you let go, once you release that resistance to energy flows better. So I kept thinking that during this program, I said I just need to let go because I’m adding resistance. And I mean, I did it for months, kept telling myself that for months. And like I said, you have to reach for me, it was important to reach rock bottom. And I I don’t want everybody to reach rock bottom, because it’s a really dark place. But for me, that is where I can say, hey, this is where I changed. It wasn’t before that.

Chris Seiter 27:36
I love the story. You’re like, you’re like parenting everything that I’ve tried. But see, here’s the thing, like, I’ll do a YouTube video and I’ll say in making the exact points you’re making, but I don’t feel like it gets through to people. And I think that’s because if we’re going to use the energy terminology, I have a too much of a masculine energy. And sometimes you need to have a feminine energy come and like be like, oh, yeah, works. Like this is the way to do it. And I think for you it worked almost a little too well. Like you almost have too many options now.

Thida 28:09
Oh, my God, my girlfriend’s joke about that all the time. Because literally too many options now. Whereas before, it was like nothing. And now it’s it’s incredible, like my life completely flipped completely.

Chris Seiter 28:22
Yeah, I mean, what is it like now for you? Like going forward? I know you you don’t have any plans to kind of get married, which of course is what everyone says before, right? Before they find that guy and

Thida 28:34
I am. I am opening open to anything the universe brings my way. I’m not gonna stick with my abundance anymore. But I’m gonna do what feels natural, you know? And what feels good.

Chris Seiter 28:46
Okay, well, here’s the hardest question I’m gonna ask you. Let’s say you are in a situation where you find the perfect guy, and then he breaks up with you. Do you feel like you would make the same mistakes over again? Or do you feel like you’d be quicker to hitting that rock bottom and doing what worked last time?

Thida 29:03
No, I would let him go. Because Because if he wants to go, he’s not mine. You know what I mean? I can’t I can’t keep him there. And yeah, we’re relationship like it’s a two way street. So I just got to let him go. And that’s one of the things from the program to that I’ve learned it’s releasing things that are not meant for me. And you learn that like I said, through all the failures of you know, the things before that and so yeah, I’m, I’m better at releasing things now. Not just people but anything.

Chris Seiter 29:34
I mean, I don’t know what to ask you. We’ve summed up everything so perfectly. Is there any like final words that you want to tell people struggling through these breakups like to help them and help them see the light but there is a light at the end of the tunnel?

Thida 29:47
Yes, for me, it was I failed so many times. And I know something you can tell people that but they most people they learn through their own, you know, through their own trials and tribulations for me if I could do it all over again. And I would go, no contact right away. Like I said, for me, it didn’t start getting better, I started feeling better until day like 40 to 45. So but before that, you know, those days prior, they were horrible. And for me like the last time, the things like that made going, no contact better was finding like shiny objects like start, like save your Trinity finding, make a list of things you want to do places you want to go, I traveled the world within this short timeframe. So I just started checking off everything on my list, just anything that I could do to take my mind off of things. So the days would go by and after, after a while it you know, you don’t realize oh, it’s day 45 Or day 50 and 60. And it was it was when I least expected it was when he had sent me a message asking, it was like, because for me, I was like, I’ll never hear from him again. And so it was really surprising. And it’s the same with the last guy that I dated for a few months. i The moment he broke up with me, I just said okay, and that was the last words here for me was okay. And then it wasn’t until like, I didn’t fight didn’t anything. I just let them go. 80 days later, he came back the same. I still love you. I want to get back together. And by then I I had already Wow. Yeah. So

Chris Seiter 31:21
So you have been through it again. Where are you?

Thida 31:25
I said, Okay. I said okay. But I would have no argument.

Chris Seiter 31:30
I think that I so this is my take on it. I think it worked because that is a secure response to a breakup. Okay. And then you didn’t give it to any of the anxious side that maybe like, I’m going to try to win him back or anything, which is like pestering him instead, it leaves more of an impression to have a girl say, okay, and then go off into her life. Yeah, it was

Thida 31:55
that radio silence for me. Okay, two to two letters, radio silence for 80 days, like I was, you know, he didn’t, to my knowledge, didn’t check my social media. But he was somehow checking my social media so they know what you’re doing. And what do you think they don’t? Yeah, yeah. And reporting it back to other people, you know, but it wasn’t like I was going and asking for it. Other people would come to me, but um, yeah, I just said, Okay. And then 80 days later, he snapped back and just in against that I want to work things out. I still love you, blah, blah, blah. And, again, I said, I’m sorry, but I’ve emotionally moved on.

Chris Seiter 32:35
That’s great. Yeah. Well, I mean, thank you for coming on and doing this.

Thida 32:40
Thank you for having me. You like filled another checkmark bucket list.

Chris Seiter 32:43
The bucket list. The final checkmark, you read. You’ve reached the top of your list. No,

Thida 32:49
you have to make another one. I know this is crazy. This is absolutely crazy.

The post Success Story: She Let Go After Her Breakup And Then Every Single Ex Came Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today I’m going to answer the age old question on if 4 months of no contact is too long after a breakup.

Let’s just jump right into it,

I personally believe that 4 months of no contact is too long because most exes will have begun to move on from you by that point.

So really, I guess it’s a function of figuring out what you want out of your situation.

1. Do you want to get your ex back? If so, then you might want to employ a shorter no contact period.
2. Do you want to get over your ex? Well then, 4 months of no contact might be right up your ally.

But let’s jump into the discussion portion of this because what I thought might end up being an incredibly boring one turned into a fascinating one when I ended up starting the research portion.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizWhy 4 Months Of No Contact Is A Big No NoSo, the crux of my argument is going to center around two concepts.

• The average length of time it takes to get over a breakup
• The habit rule.

So, generally there are three time frames we associate with no contact.

1. The 21 Day Rule
2. The 30 Day Rule
3. The 45 Day Rule

These three time frames all have different “situational” implementations which I cover here.

Fun fact though, a little later in this discussion I’ve actually started toying around with the idea of shifting how you choose the ideal no contact for you.

But notice how none of the three timeframes even kiss close to the 120 days of the four month mark. This is very much by design.

The Average Length Of Time It Takes To Get Over A BreakupIt doesn’t take much to figure out how long it takes to get over a breakup. All one needs to do is simply go to Google and type the phrase in and BOOM,

Taking directly from Healthline,

When looking at the timeline of breakups, many sites refer to a “study” that’s actually a consumer poll a market research company conducted on behalf of Yelp. The poll’s results suggest it takes an average of about 3.5 months to heal, while recovering after divorce might take closer to 1.5 years, if not longer.

So, 3.5 months to heal.

Interestingly, healing from divorce takes longer, 1.5 years.

I’m assuming that this is because the length of time you are together with a person is a resulting factor for this.

• On average, couples will be together 2 years before getting engaged.
• Compared to couples who are married 8 years before divorce.

This seems to suggest that how long you were with a person dictates how long it’ll take to heal from the breakup.

Since this site focuses more on dating and relationships as opposed to marriage we can assume that the 3.5 month mark is a great benchmark to use.

This means that a four month no contact rule (120 days) will end right around the time that your ex has gotten over you which is great if you don’t want your ex back but most people coming to this website do want their exes back.

The Habit RuleThe next black mark on the four month rule revolves around my own creation, the habit rule.

It’s notoriously tricky to nail down how long it takes to break a habit.

But let’s play devils advocate here for a moment. Let’s say that we wanted to identify the most difficult ex to get back. One that would fast track getting over you.

Well, the habit rule might give us some insight to how long it would take to get over you.

According to a 2009 study,

Modelling the habit formation process in individuals allowed us to calculate the time taken for automaticity scores to plateau; operationalized here as time to reach 95% of asymptote. The average modelled time to plateau in this sample was 66 days, but the range was from 18 to 254 days.

I know that’s a lot of technical talk but the study found that it took an average of 66 days for a new habit to form (or be broken.)

But the ranges were pretty wide. For some it only took 18 days, for others 254 days.

Technically speaking if your ex wanted to really get over you it could happen in as little as 18 days but it’s far more likely to hover around that 66 day mark. Going no contact for 120 days therefore might actually help speed your ex along that process if that’s not what you want to have happen.

So, this leads us to the big question.

What is the perfect no contact time frame?

The Trick To Finding Out The Perfect Time Frame For No ContactThis is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

I’ve never been particularly happy with how my program currently recommends clients to choose a no contact time frame. I basically ask them to fill out this worksheet, do this quick calculation and then based on their answers determine the no contact rule.

I call it the no contact rule assessment,

I actually don’t like it.

In fact, when applying it to real world coaching I’ve found that often it comes up with the wrong time frame. Instead, I believe I’ve found a far simpler and more effective method for assigning your no contact time frame.

It’s a simple formula that takes into account your exes attachment style.

Figure out exes attachment style + Adjust NC time frame based on that

So, your ex will have one of the four core attachment styles.

1. Secure – Exhibits no major core wound.
2. Anxious – Exhibits a fear of abandonment
3. Avoidant – Exhibits a huge desire for independence
4. Fearful – Exhibits both anxious and avoidant core wounds

If Your Ex Has A Secure Attachment

Then you are going to want to do the industry standard 30 days of no contact. Nothing really shocking here.

If Your Ex Has An Anxious Core Wound

21 days is going to be prescribed. Though I’ll go out on a limb and say that most likely your ex is not going to have an anxious core wound. In fact, your ex is most likely to have an avoidant core wound.

If Your Ex Has An Avoidant Core Wound

The vast majority of our client base has exes with avoidant core wounds,

For exes like this you want to do 45 days because really an avoidant isn’t going to “miss you” until they believe you are over them. A 45 day rule is actually perfect for this.

It’s enough time to where you are getting closer to that 66 day mark but not enough time to where you are passing it and out of their mind completely.

Now, where people always seem to mess up revolves around the fearful avoidant attachment style.

If Your Ex Has Fearful Avoidant Core Wounds

You actually want to do a 21 day rule.

Why?

Well, because of the pogosticking effect.

One moment an avoidant core wound will appear, the next an anxious one.

But here’s the dangerous thing about fearful avoidants. When their anxious side comes to the surface, if you don’t nurture it they can actually withdraw deeper into themselves and become even more avoidant.

Now, you usually want them to do this one time during no contact but anything greater than one tends to get a little risky.

Thus, 21 days seems to be the ideal time frame for fearful avoidant exes.

Once again, notice how none of the time frames come anywhere close to 120 days. That’s because four months of no contact is just far too long and quite frankly, unnecessary.

The post Is 4 Months Of No Contact Too Long? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we’re going to talk about how your ex feels when you ignore them.

I’ve thought long and hard about how to approach this and I think I’ve found a really unique way of tackling this subject. You see, typically when you go online and search for answers to questions good ole Google loves to put all kinds of articles in front of you.

Many of these articles barely scratch the surface of what you need to know and for some reason they all seem to contain the same broken format.

Signs…

Tips…

You get the idea…

In reality this actually makes no sense. Someone who is literally searching for an answer to how an ex feels when they ignore you don’t need tips or signs. They need to understand an exes response to silence.

Luckily, we have so much experience seeing this because we recommend the no contact rule so frequently to our clients.

Honestly though, I think the correct way to diagnose responses is to look at how each attachment style handles being ignored and then from there we can infer their feelings.

So, here’s what I want to do.

1. Help You Diagnose Your Exes Attachment Style
2. Take A Look At How Avoidants Respond To Being Ignored
3. Take A Look At How Anxious Individuals Respond To Being Ignored
4. Take A Look At How Fearful Individuals Respond To Being Ignored
5. Take A Look At How Secure Individuals Respond To Being Ignored

Let’s begin!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizLet’s Diagnose Your Exes Attachment StyleSo, quick crash course.

Everyone always seems to have a fancy way of categorizing attachment styles.

1. Dismissive avoidant
2. Avoidant
3. Anxious…
4. Ambivalant
5. Fearful…

It can get really confusing really fast but I believe in simplifying things which is why I’ve always referred to attachments styles in four different ways.

1. The Secure Style
2. The Avoidant Style
3. The Anxious Style
4. The Fearful Style

But we are here because we need to figure out what attachment style your ex is. Luckily, there is a relatively straightforward way of doing that and it all revolves around core wounds.

Now, the goal always with attachment theory is to find yourself in the securely attached category.

Unfortunately, most of the individuals we work with have insecure attachments and it’s those insecure attachments that have the core wounds that when irritated will trigger the insecure behaviors.

So, let’s tackle figuring out if your ex has an insecure attachment first. Really what you are going to want to look at is if they experience the following core wounds.

• Anxious Core Wound = A Deep Fear Of Abandonment
• Avoidant Core Wound = A Deep Need For Independence
• Fearful Core Wound = Bouncing From One Extreme To The Next

So, what does that look like in real life?

Well, someone with an anxious core wound, when they sense a breakup is oncoming will panic and try to fix the problem, to an almost annoying degree. They’ll constantly check in with you, ask how you are doing. Every little infraction that they deem spells trouble in paradise will cause them to overcrowd you.

Someone with an avoidant core wound is the exact opposite. If they feel they are being overcrowded or losing independence they’ll basically dip out and avoid. Sometimes you’ll even see big life commitments that cause them to feel like they’ll lose their independence will freak them out.

And then we have the fearful individuals. That’s where things get wild. They will literally go from one extreme to the next. One minute they are trying to “save your relationship” and the next they want nothing to do with you.

But you aren’t here for this. You are here to figure out how each of these individuals respond to being ignored.

A Look At How Avoidant Exes Respond To Being IgnoredAll of 2021 and 2022 I spent researching avoidants.

Why?

Well, my team and I have found that avoidants tend to be the most common ex that we encounter.

By a pretty large margin.

Here’s what’s interesting about avoidants. Many of them will follow this path after a breakup,

The relationship death wheel of which there are eight stages.

1. I want someone to love me
2. I found someone yay
3. Hey, they aren’t perfect
4. I’m going to leave
5. I have left
6. I’m so happy I left
7. Yo… I’m getting kinda lonely
8. WHY IS THIS ALWAYS HAPPENING TO ME

But the thing that is of interest to us is actually stage #6.

This is called separation elation and I’ve talked about it a lot in articles.

After a relationship ends, people with an avoidant attachment style tend not to show much anxiety or distress, often feeling an initial sense of relief at the relinquishing of obligations and the sense that they are regaining their self-identity, and not tending to initially miss their partner – this is “separation elation” as the pressure to connect is gone.

So, how does the avoidant respond to being ignored.

They actually enjoy it!

At first.

But don’t worry, stage #7 is just around the corner.

A Look At How Anxious Exes Will Respond To Being IgnoredWhile avoidant exes are on one end of the spectrum, you know, avoiding you.

Anxious exes are on the complete other end.

It’s important to note that anxious exes are without a doubt the rarest type of ex we encounter on our work here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

So, what typically happens when you ignore an anxious ex?

Well, usually something like this,

For the record, this is taken directly from a client in our community.

Wild, right?

This is an anxious response to silence. They’ll do anything they possibly can to get you to respond.

It’s akin to a child throwing a tantrum. Except it usually plays out over texts, calls and unannounced show ups.

A Look At How Fearful Exes Respond To Being IgnoredFearful avoidants are super interesting to me because they are so rare.

And their response to silence is unique.

Generally it’s been my experience that when you ignore a fearful avoidant they first go through separation elation but it’s an extremely shortened version. One that lasts, maybe a week before that anxious side starts kicking in.

But they usually don’t swing to the extreme as simple as a snap. Rather, they’ll do something passive aggressive over social media to get your attention.

Posting one of those, “I’m better that I’m single now” type posts,

They are doing this almost as a tester to see if you’ll break first. If you don’t, then you can expect them to escalate and start reaching out. Usually it’s not going to be as extreme as a full on anxious individual but there will be hints of it.

Here’s the important bit though.

If you don’t respond or at least nurture that anxious side they’ll retreat further inwards towards their avoidant side and take even longer before their anxious side gets triggered again.

This is why one of the big changes we’ve already made to our program is that we’ve started recommending shorter no contact periods for clients with fearful avoidant exes.

A Look At How Secure Exes Handle Being IgnoredWhat is the secure way to handle a breakup?

Well, I think it’s some variation of,

• Allowing yourself to feel your feelings
• Seeking support from trusted individuals
• Distracting yourself
• Healing

But there’s one thing that separates the secure ex from the insecure ex. They are confident that they will get over the breakup.

Usually secure people will respond to being ignored by trying to reach out a few times, taking the hint that you don’t want to talk and then backing off for a bit until you are ready to talk.

Of course, secure exes are actually even rarer than anxious exes in our program.

Want to know why?

Because often secure exes don’t feel the need to go online for help with their breakups. They trust themselves to do what needs to be done and that’s not a slight on anyone here.

It’s purely a numbers game.

The numbers tell us that the most likely pairing that we are going to see is anxious (client) and avoidant (ex.)

Secure exes in my business are a little like unicorns.

The post How Does My Ex Feel When I Ignore Him? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today I’m going to talk about how to text an avoidant. This is a topic that I’m sad to say I have a lot of experience with.

I know this is redundant but we know that most of our clients veer towards more anxious behaviors,

While most of our clients exes veer more towards the avoidant side of the spectrum.

Now, when you are dealing with an avoidant it’s best to abide by some of the best texting practices (aka: the stuff we spent the last ten years figuring out.)

It all starts with our texting formula.

Ensure That You Follow The Texting Formula When Texting An AvoidantPerhaps where Ex Boyfriend Recovery is different than most websites out there recommending you to text your ex is that we’ve come up with a formula.

Ah, but this formula isn’t for one simple text message construction. No, it’s for the whole darn conversation.

Hook + Payoff + High Point = Success

To borrow from the article I literally wrote a few days ago talking about this very thing,

• Hook- Basically an open loop. Something so interesting that your ex can’t help but respond to it.
• Payoff- An answer to the open loop/hook that leaves an ex feeling satisfied, wanting to help or wanting to engage with you more in some way.
• High Point: When the conversation reaches its high point you need to end it.

Here’s a real life example of that in action.

• The Blue Is The Hook: I could really use your advice on something…
• The Green Is The Payoff: I’m taking a first year geography module next semester, what did you think about Globalization: Economy, Space and Power?
• The Pink Is The High Point: (Do I really need to write all that?)

But following the texting formula isn’t the only “best practice” that we’d like you to adopt.

Get Good At Asking Open Ended Questions In “The Hook”If you are going to ask your ex a question then it’s important for you to make it open ended if possible. If you don’t know what this means then refer to this article,

https://examples.yourdictionary.com/examples-of-open-ended-and-closed-ended-questions.html

A general rule of thumb is that if you ask your ex a question that can be answered by going to Google and getting a quick answer then it’s not a good question.

Try harder.

Aim For That 50/50 SplitWhenever you are texting an ex one of the best indicators on if things are going well or not going well has to do with the split or ratio.

You are always looking for a 1 to 1 ratio.

Meaning for every one text that your ex sends you are sending one in return.

Refer to the graphic below for what is good and what is not good.

Word CountThe general rule of thumb is that you want to put on your editing cap when it comes to word count.

We abide by the quote,

There is brilliance in brevity

That means take out unnecessary words that don’t need to be there.

We want them to be texting longer text messages to you than you are to them. Beat them on the word count.

How To Handle Positive, Negative, Neutral, None* Positive Response From An Avoidant = Next Conversation Can Happen In A Day * Neutral Response From An Avoidant = Next Conversation Can Happen In 3-5 Days * Negative Response From An Avoidant = Next Conversation Can Happen In 14 Days (You need to go back into a mini NC) * No Response From An Avoidant = Next Conversation Attempt Can Happen In 21 Days * If You Get 3 No Responses From An Avoidant = Next Conversation Attempt Can Happen After 30-45 Days, You probably aren’t doing enough to make your ex think you’ve moved on.

But to quote the great Pirates of the Caribbean,

We are dealing with avoidants and that means you are going to be dealing with some tricky customers in the texting phase with them.

Texting Habits Exhibited By AvoidantsEven for the most ardent “guideline” follower, when it comes to avoidants, you are going to get tripped up because inevitably avoidants have some really annoying habits, that if you handle the wrong way can mess up your progress entirely.

So, what are these annoying habits?

Well, there are four of them.

1. The Mini Ghost Period
2. The Taper
3. The Last Minute Cancellations
4. The Passive Texting

Let’s take a hard look at each of these so you understand what they are and then we’ll talk about solutions.

The Mini Ghost PeriodI’m sure we’ve all been there. You are texting your avoidant. Everything seems to be going well. They like you, you like them and then BOOM.

They disappear.

There was no warning.

Your natural inclination is to try to fix things and so you do the one thing you aren’t supposed to do, you pull the avoidant towards you when you are supposed to push them away to give them space.

Generally you’ll find that these little mini ghost periods can last from anywhere between 2 to 3 days.

The burning question in everyone’s mind is why?

Why does the avoidant do this?

Well, it can happen for a lot of reasons but generally,

• They’ll do this when they don’t know how to respond.
• When they don’t find the conversation with you that interesting
• When they’re trying to slow down how fast the relationship is moving
• When they perceive the person as being too anxious.

Nex up we have…

They’ll TaperLet’s say you have a date planned with the avoidant, it’s in a week.

A few days before the date the avoidant begins a type of taper.

If you aren’t familiar with the term it’s something that endurance athletes do before a big race. Essentially while training for a Marathon or Iron Man they’ll increase mileage every single week.

The one exception to that is the week before the race.

They start to taper.

To slow the mileage down in an attempt to rest their body.

Well, avoidants do the same thing before a big emotional event, whether that is a date, moving in together, talking on the phone, etc.

They’ll taper themselves from you.

They’ll grow distant.

One unfortunate thing that happens as a result of the taper is…

Last Minute CancellationsI can’t tell you how often an avoidant will agree to plans and they are authentically excited about it, in the moment.

However, they sleep on it.

They second guess themselves.

They cancel.

Passive TextingEarlier today I was doing a Livestream with our community and someone told an interesting story.

They were having a perfectly normal conversation with their ex and then in the middle of it their ex just started sending memes.

She’d respond to the meme of course with a laughing emoji and then ask another question, she’d get another meme.

Another question, another meme.

On and on it went.

This is a perfect example of passive texting and it’s a classic avoidant coping mechanism. Usually when the avoidant encounters a conversation where they don’t really know how to respond they’ll respond in a passive way and expect you to decipher the meaning.

In this case the meaning was hidden somewhere in the many different memes.

So, the burning question you are probably having at this point is how the hell do you handle these behaviors in the texting phase.

Well, the fix is comically simple.

When They Pull Back, You Pull BackSimple, and yet executing it goes against almost every one of my clients programming.

You see, an anxious individual (who are the individuals I primarily work with) want to fix the problems as soon as possible. In fact, they are so obsessed with fixing it because it’s the only way they can feel better.

So, when an avoidant is communicating with you through action that they need space the anxious person does the exact opposite.

They try to fix.

When I told my wife I was writing this article and explaining the contents of it she made an interesting analogy.

It’s a lot like having a child who is extremely anxious about something continue to badger you for an hour straight. By the end you just want to pull your hair out.

It’s not that you don’t love them, you do.

It’s just that a little space would be nice.

Now imagine that kid is your partner and that partner didn’t give you that space.

They just were incessantly pestering you.

How would you feel?

That’s the avoidant for you and why it’s sooo important for you to exhibit emotional control and abide by the “when they pull back, you pull back” mentality.

The post How To Text An Avoidant first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we’re going to talk about if you should contact an ex who dumped you.

So, should you?

Once the prerequisites have been met then yes, it’s in your best interest to contact your ex. However, it must be done a certain way using the texting formula I’m going to outline in this article.

So, what are these prerequisites?

• A full no contact must be completed
• You must have gotten to a place emotionally where you don’t really care if you get them back or not

And then of course there’s the “how?” of the question.

How do you contact an ex and get a positive result?

Well, there’s a simple three step formula we’ve come up with but you’ll have to keep reading to figure out what that is.

.

For now, let’s talk about all the prep work that needs to occur before you reach out to an ex who dumped you.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizUnderstanding The Pre-RequisitesIt’s been my experience that most people who’ve been dumped gloss over this section thinking it’s not important. After all, the texting formula is sexy and can yield those responses.

What’s not explicitly called out is the fact that the formula really only works if two things have happened.

1. You’ve gotten through a no contact period
2. You’ve gotten your mind right through that no contact period

To be honest, I’m tired of talking about the no contact rule and its benefits. You can see all of my thoughts on it here.

You can watch my thoughts on it here,

Basically the quick crash course lesson is that no matter how difficult it may be it’s really important to get through a complete 21-45 day period of no contact.

Refer to the massive no contact guide I linked to above to determine what the best time is for you.

Getting through a no contact period unscathed is going to be challenging in and of itself, but the more meaningful thing is your mindset after you come through the no contact rule.

What We’ve Learned From Success StoriesEx Boyfriend Recovery has been operating since 2012. That’s almost 11 years in business. We’ve literally had tens of thousands of men and women come through our program.

Thousands of those have successfully gotten their exes back.

I’ve interviewed them multiple times,

Want to know the big thing I learned?

Most people who succeed are the people who at the end of their no contact rule got to this place emotionally where they weren’t sure they even wanted their ex back anymore.

Authentically they need to believe this though. It can’t be a faked thing.

Why does this work?

Well, the best answer I’ve ever been able to come up with is that it gives you a certain confidence when going into the texting phase.

Instead of worrying about if an ex is going to respond or if your text is good enough you’ll think,

If they respond, cool. If they don’t, cool.

Somehow that bleeds through in your reach outs.

But it probably has more of an impact on response time than anything. You don’t appear to be as valuable and thus your exes perception of you slowly begins to shift.

Of course, my team and I have the benefit of not really worrying too much about getting an ex to respond.

We’ve spent years testing and seeing what actually yields the best response. We’ve then created a formula for that.

Our Texting FormulaNow, here’s the cool part of this article. Not only am I going to show you what the formula is but I’m also going to show you real life examples of it in action.

So, what’s the formula?

Hook + Payoff + High Point = Success

Ok, this is going to require some explaining so lets break it down one by one.

The HookThis is going to be your text starter and it’s entire job is to capture your exes interest, much in the same way that the first sentence of a book is supposed to capture the readers attention.

You can utilize a combination of,

• Pattern Interrupts
• Knowledge Based Issues
• Damsel In Distress Topics

We’ve actually seen a lot of success with the damsel in distress type texts. We think this is because it makes the ex feel good to not only “help you” but also generally you are asking about a topic in which they have a lot of expertise in.

It’s also important to note that the hook isn’t meant to be more than a sentence at most. It’s entire job is to just hook your ex is.

To get them to respond.

Here’s a few real life examples from clients,

Soo… have you heard the news?

What news?

There’s an unanswered question that the ex just has to find out.

Here’s another example of a great hook,

Tom, I need your cooking advice.

This hook is more of an expertise/interest question. It sets the ex up so he gets to be the hero saving the damsel in distress.

One more,

You literally won’t believe what I just saw…

This one is a more direct open loop/curiosity text.

As you can see it went really well for our client but only because they knocked it out of the park on the payoff.

PayoffOk, so this is the hardest part to get right.

With your hook you are introducing an unanswered question. I showed you three examples from above.

1. Soo… have you heard the news? (Unanswered question: What’s the news?)
2. Tom… I need your cooking advice? (What specifically do you need my advice with?)
3. You literally won’t believe what I just saw (What did you see?)

Once you have your ex hooked in and get the quick response you face a greater challenge. You need to create a payoff that makes your ex either,

• Satisfied
• Want to help
• Engage with you

There are many clever ways in which you can do this.

One of our communities favorite ways is to respond with an open ended question. Basically respond with something where your ex can’t respond with a simple yes or no.

Here are a few examples of that done really well,

I’m taking a first year geography module next semester, what did you think about Globalization: Economy, Space and Power?

Notice how this is a really specific interest based open ended question. It’s not something I’m particularly interested in but this ex is.

Also, notice how the ex couldn’t respond to the question with a simple yes or no answer.

It forces them to dig in.

This is a good payoff.

The donut example from above is another really great example of a payoff.

Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words,

This payoff works because it is interest based and shocking.

Someone created a D’oh!Nuts shop… From the Simpsons,

It’s a good payoff.

And then of course comes the most challenging part of our formula.

The High PointNow, I’ve stated this multiple times throughout the history of this website.

End conversations at the high point.

Don’t overstay your welcome.

But when you are in the texting phase it can be difficult to figure out when this is for a lot of different reasons.

For one, if you are texting your ex right out of no contact the conversation shouldn’t really last very long. In fact, if this is your first contact after no contact then you are supposed to dip out of the conversation after you get the payoff as evidenced here,

You see how they said,

“Ohhh… that sounds interesting! Just dashing into town now but thanks so much for that.”

They got their payoff and now its time to end the conversation.

On the other hand, if you’ve been slowly building rapport over weeks with an ex conversations are going to stretch out.

You need to do your absolute best to identify the high point of the texting conversation and end it in a similar manner shown above.

My general rule of thumb for high point identification is that if you don’t want the conversation to end then you’ve probably reached the high point and should end the conversation.

Why this is so important is it taps into the Zeigarnik effect,

A concept that posits that people remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones.

By consistently ending the conversations at the high point you make it more likely that your ex will want to reach out to you going forward.

The post Should I Contact My Ex Who Dumped Me? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today I’m going to show you why I believe that cutting a man off is one of the very best ways to get him to miss you.

Since I started Ex Boyfriend Recovery in 2012 I’ve witnessed thousands of women utilize many variations of no contact on men and studied how they react.

The natural assumption most people have is that by utilizing no contact, or cutting a guy off, will instantly make them miss you.

However, I’ve found that getting them to a place where they miss you is not always a straight line. In fact, there will be a lot of emotional value changes along the way.

Here’s how guys typically feel when you cut them off,

• Initial shock
• Pain (Genuinely hurt)
• Anger
• Vengeance
• Depression
• Regret
• Acceptance

Let’s take some time and dig in to each of these.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizStage One: Initial ShockYou cut your guy off.

You’ve decided to stop talking to him. You’ve temporarily removed him from your life. I promise you it’s going to come as a shock, especially if you were on previously good terms.

And if you really think about this stage it has a lot in common with the five stages of grief,

1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance

Your guy will go into denial.

They won’t believe that you’d be willing to take such a drastic measure.

Out of all the stages we are going to talk about today this one is by far the quickest because it quickly paves the way for our next stage, pain.

Stage Two: PainWhen the realization hits that you’ve cut them off.

That you aren’t going to be talking to them for the foreseeable future it’s going to hurt.

They are going to feel as if all the time they invested with you was for nothing. They’ll convince themselves that you don’t care about them (when that probably isn’t true.)

It’s going to feel to them like a full on rejection.

And it’s interesting, this pain stage is probably the second shortest one in terms of how long it’ll last.

Stage Three: AngerIt’s human nature to feel angry after you feel wronged.

I mean, one look at our facebook group and you’ll see some interesting examples of this stage,

Anger is an interesting phenomenon.

As you can probably tell from the title of this website we got our start specializing in breakups and one of the things we noticed was the fascinating role anger plays in the breakup.

Even if an ex is the one clearly at fault, they find it easier to blame you.

It’s a way of internally soothing themselves.

By blaming you.

By making you out to be the bad guy they distance themselves from taking any blame themselves.

Which leads us very nicely to the next stage.

Stage Four: VengeanceWhat do we do when we feel wronged?

We seek vengeance.

And this is an extremely potent feeling.

Check out this study I found from Virginia Commonwealth University,

Across six experiments involving 1,500 participants, researchers found a clear and consistent preference for immediate revenge.

Let’s look at that screenshot I took of our group above.

Our clients ex, unprovoked sent them a message calling them a monster.

Why?

Revenge.

It’s a way to make our client hurt as much as they are hurting.

Is it childish?

Yep.

Does it happen often?

Yep.

Stage Five: DepressionWant to know the funny thing about vengeance?

It’s a short term boost that maybe makes someone whose being cut off feel better in the moment.

But long term…

Well, the benefits don’t last.

Instead, the realization that you may be gone forever begins to creep in.

But it’s interesting. Look at the journey it took to get to this moment.

I think that’s the single biggest misunderstanding that people have about cutting men off. They think the results will be instantaneous, they aren’t.

It’s a primal journey filled with emotional change.

And just because a guy starts to feel sad in this stage doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to miss you.

Our avoidant relationship death wheel taught us that,

They need to sit in the depression stage for a bit before they begin to regret.

Stage Six: RegretOne of the very best videos that I ever filmed was about making avoidants miss you,

At the time when I filmed it I was a novice on Avoidants.

I understood the basics of attachment theory but didn’t really understand the nuances behind each individual insecure attachment.

Over the years I had taken a few quizzes and found out that I was a dismissive avoidant.

I also found out that most of my clients believed their former partners were avoidant as well,

Here’s the crazy thing about avoidants. They don’t tend to regret until they feel like there is no chance that a reconnection could ever happen.

Only then do they give themselves permission to feel nostalgia and miss their previous partners.

Seems like a backwards way to operate but if you understand the nuances of their attachment style it actually makes perfect sense.

You see, the avoidant attachment style operates from a core wound of independence. This means that when anyone or anything threatens their independence their attachment gets triggered and they are likely to flee.

They like to do things on their own terms.

So, commitment has to be their idea.

Same goes with re-commitment.

By cutting them off, while they can still go through all the stages before this one, they aren’t’ going to allow themselves to feel regret until they feel like you have moved on from them.

They fall in love with phantom exes far too often.

In fact, they prefer it.

Ironically, when you believe your partner is smack dab in the middle of this stage is usually the best time to stop cutting them off and start reaching out to them.

Otherwise you run the risk of encountering stage seven.

Stage Seven: AcceptanceYou ever wonder why I’m so adamant about not falling in complete love with the no contact rule?

It’s because giving your ex partner too much time away from you can absolutely cause them to simply get over the breakup.

It’s one of the reasons why I don’t believe in 90 day no contact rules.

In fact, I think the longest you should ever be in no contact for is 45 days.

The reasoning revolves around something I call the habit rule.

According to experts, it takes an average of 66 days to form a new habit.

By that logic it could theoretically take a guy 66 days to get over you.

So, if that’s not the outcome that you want, why would you ignore them and literally give them the opportunity to move on?

Contrary to what is being peddled out there online, there is a time limit on attraction and relationships.

One of my favorite movies ever is Cast Away,

The end of that movie is not only powerful but it’s a haunting look at the concept I’m trying to talk about here.

People don’t wait around forever.

Tom Hanks is literally cast away on an island. He loses his freedom, his sanity and the love of his life.

So, when he is miraculously rescued and comes back to the real world, did the love of his life wait around for him?

No.

She had moved on, gotten married, had kids.

It’s rare to find someone that’s willing to wait around forever. Eventually we accept what was lost and move on. So, my argument to all of my clients is don’t wait too long before you try to reach out.

Doing that can lead to disastrous results. Instead, reach out during the regret phase. Doing so will usually be the phase where your ex is actually missing you.

The post If You Cut Him Off Will He Miss You? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today I’m going to show you why you need to master the art of walking away to make him miss you.

In this in-depth guide you’re going to learn,

• The Theory Behind Walking Away To Make A Guy Miss You
• How The Peak End Rule Ties Into This
• The Thing Everyone Is Afraid To Tell You About “Walking Away”
• Why Walking Away Isn’t Really Walking Away

So, if you’re ready to go “all in” on this idea of losing the guy to get the guy then you came to the right place.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizThe Theory Behind Walking Away Making A Guy Miss YouSo, let’s address the elephant in the room first.

Does walking away from a guy actually make him miss you?

The truth is that no one can guarantee you anything. However, generally speaking walking away, be it a form of no contact, or a form of finally standing up for yourself usually creates a situation conducive to having them miss you. Of course, this wholly relies on your past partner having enjoyable memories with you.

Think of it like this.

We don’t miss the people who made our lives miserable. Rather, we miss the people who we feel regret with.

But more on that in a minute.

For now you’re probably interested in the nuts and bolts of how this works psychologically.

Well, in the past I’ve written a lot about silence and its impact on making exes miss you. Even filmed a few videos on it,

In a perfect world here’s how its supposed to work.

Our own internal research shows two things.

Our average client tend to have anxious attachment styles,

And our average clients exes tend to have avoidant personalities,

These two are like oil and water. Generally, when there is friction in the relationship an anxious individual is going to react in a way that tries to “fix things.” You see, they operate from a place where their worst nightmare is to be abandoned. This contradicts with the avoidants core attachment modus operandi, independence.

So, you have one party pushing to fix things and the other party running away from that to get alone time.

After being in a relationship for a period of time the avoidant person almost comes to expect this is of the anxious person.

Using silence, walking away is a new look that the avoidant hasn’t really experienced from you before. You are essentially giving your partner the space they desire and doing so, research tells us, can actually be the thing that makes them miss you.

A few years ago I recorded this video,

And in it I cite this research,

Avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship, and typically out of contact so they are untouched by actual engagement and their deactivation systems aren’t triggered, revealing their long-suppressed attachment and switching their operating attachment wound from the fear of engulfment to fear of abandonment. (source)

Essentially, give an avoidant enough space and they begin to have what I’ve coined as nostalgic reverie.

And this ties directly into the peak end rule.

How The Peak End Rule Ties Into ThisIf you aren’t familiar with what the peak end rule is then I suggest you watch this,

Basically the concept argues the following,

The peak–end rule is a psychological heuristic in which people judge an experience largely based on how they felt at its peak (i.e., its most intense point) and at its end, rather than based on the total sum or average of every moment of the experience. (Direct Quote From Wikipedia)

You can see why this concept interests me particularly.

Generally speaking when you are looking at the demise of a relationship it’s going to look something like this,

• There’s going to be the beginning which is marked in a honeymoon period. (A slow incline of a rise)
• There’s going to be the middle (the actual peak of a relationship)
• The end (which is generally marked as the low point)

Usually when you are considering walking away you are going to be at the endpoint of the relationship.

This means that things aren’t particularly warm and fuzzy. Rather, they are cold and harsh.

Here’s the thing though, your partner is only thinking about how they are feeling at that end point and so one of the arguments to make for walking away is that it will give your ex (or guy, or whatever) time to re-remember the peak moments.

This plays into that nostalgic reverie concept I mentioned above.

Walk away, give your partner time to remember the high points.

Of course, this is completely contingent on one thing, that you actually had enjoyable peak moments.

What Everyone Seems To Be Afraid To Tell YouFiguring out what I was going to say for this discussion was actually pretty difficult. I spent 30 minutes spinning my wheels trying to find an interesting angle of attack. My process for writing article is actually deceptively simple. I’ll choose my topic and almost immediately know what I’m going to say. However, every once in a while I’ll get stuck and only have a handful of ideas.

Usually if I’m in that predicament I’ll go to me peers to see what they are saying.

For this particular article that’s what I did and I found something interesting but it wasn’t anything they specifically said, rather, it had more to do with what they weren’t saying.

Walking away from a guy only works if they had an enjoyable time with you.

My peers want to make it seem like walking away works in every situation, it doesn’t. To say that it does is simply false.

Let’s use the peak-end rule to illustrate the point I’m trying to make.

Generally when I talk about the peak end rule I use a graphic that assumes the peak moments are positive.

But what if all the peak moments were negative?

Remember, “peak moments” don’t always have to be positive. In some cases they can be negative.

So, you walk away and expect your ex to remember the good times but all they do is remember the bad times.

What then?

Well, generally in these cases my advice would be to work on moving on. No relationship that has toxic moments as the “peak moments” is worth getting back.

I’d like to turn my attention now to what most people do wrong when it comes to “walking away.”

Why Walking Away Isn’t Really Walking AwayAs you can imagine, with this being a breakup website a lot of the discussion had on it revolve around the no contact rule.

One of the “walking away” methods.

What’s funny about it though is there’s a common misunderstanding.

People think that walking away really means walking away.

They think all they need to capture their exes attention again is to simply use a no contact rule and sit on their hands waiting for him (or her) to come back begging.

Except we know from research that usually doesn’t happen,

The truth is that what you do with that time away from your ex is more important than actually ignoring your ex, than walking away.

This comment on a recent video of mine really nailed it,

No contact works when you’re actually getting thing’s done. Going to the gym , taking care of your skin, getting that glow. When you achieve new things and get a side hustle that’s better than your 9-5 and you’re actually leveling up, financially and dressing well, then you Ex sees that, they’ll go crazy

They are right.

Silence…

Walking away…

No Contact…

Yes, they rely on your ex having good memories from their time together with you but they also rely on something else, opportunity cost.

If they had stayed together with you then their life would be better than it is right now.

Usually that requires you to actually do things, or accomplish things that they admire.

Most people don’t.

They go through a breakup, get depressed or sad and allow that to be their reality.

But a few, a small few, look at the breakup as an opportunity.

They go out and accomplish new things, things that captures their exes attention.

So, if you really think about it “Walking away from a guy to make him miss you” needs two things to really work.

1. They need positive memories together with you
2. They also need to see how good you are doing with out them to create regret

Obtain these two things and you’ll be in good shape.

The post Will He Miss You If You Walk Away? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Yesterday I did a Facebook Live in my private group and someone asked an interesting question.

Is it possible that a breakup can actually strengthen a relationship?

Here’s the truth,

Yes, a breakup can actually be a good thing but only if the people involved in it take the time to address the issues that caused the breakup in the first place.

With this particular discussion I’d like to go from the top to the bottom.

1. Starting with showing you why most couples that get back together fail to stay together
2. Ending with situations where couples who get back together actually stay together.

What separates the two?

Well, that’s what we are here to find out.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizWhat Usually Happens When A Couple Breaks Up And Gets Back TogetherHere at Ex Boyfriend Recovery we’ve been blessed with our fair share of success stories. One of the things I’ve been very vocal with is the fact that only about half of the people I interview who got their exes back actually stayed with that ex. It’s a lot like the divorce statistic.

You know, I’m sure you’ve heard someone at one time or another spout off the fact that half of all marriages end in divorce.

Well, the same actually applies to getting back together with exes.

But why?

Well, I think the easy answer is that one or both parties make the same mistakes they did in the first go around.

But one of the trends I’ve noticed that almost no one talks about is that sometimes your ex has a misunderstanding of what love is.

I’ve been very repetitive about pointing out my “relationship death wheel.”

The idea is to show you the lifecycle of a relationship from an avoidant perspective.

I highlight avoidant exes because most of the people I have surveyed believe that their ex is avoidant.

And one trend I’ve noticed is that avoidants have a misunderstanding of love.

Look at the death wheel graphic above.

There are eight main stages to it.

1. The dumper wants someone to love them
2. They find you and believe their troubles are over
3. They notice some worrying things
4. This causes them to think of leaving
5. They actually leave
6. They are happy they left
7. They start to feel lonely
8. They wonder why this always happens to them

But really the part that interests us for this discussion is stages one and two.

Your ex yearns for someone to love them and then they find you and think their troubles are over.

This is also known in layman’s terms as “the honeymoon period.”

And without realizing it the avoidant is setting themselves up for failure. They start to expect that how they feel in the honeymoon period is how they’re supposed to feel in every relationship.

This is what “being in love” feels like.

But that’s the thing about the honeymoon period. It doesn’t last forever. Inevitably how they feel is going to level out. Now, where most people recognize that, the avoidant doesn’t. They convince themselves that they are falling out of love with you.

So, they break up with you.

And they go hunting for that next “honeymoon hit.”

And on and on they go.

I won’t say it’s the most common outcome but I’ve seen it enough to know that it exists.

So, the question now becomes how do you stop the vicious cycle?

How do you make this breakup a strength?

Beating The Odds And Strengthening Your RelationshipI was curious to see what some of my peers (other websites) were saying about this.

As you’d expect, you get the typical answers.

• It gives you time to get back in touch with the real “you.”
• You can fix mistakes you made
• Take it as an opportunity to grow
• Imagine the relationship you want

I won’t call these shallow answers but what I think they lack is substance and that’s the problem with today’s age of online advice. When I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery way back in 2012 I used to write these epically long articles of 5,000 to 10,000 words.

I went deep. Really got to the substance of the point.

And yes, I believe the website was better off for it. However, maybe starting in 2016 there was a shift online. Google started to give preference to shorter, more to the point articles. I mean, it’s even gotten to the point that you don’t even need to click on a website anymore to answer your question.

Seriously, I just typed in, “can breaking up strengthen your relationship” in my phone and this is what I got,

But something as complicated as this can’t be answered in a snippet.

You have to go deeper to find the substance of what actually works.

And that substance is going to be found in the concept of secure attachment gravity.

Secure Attachment Gravity Is How You Strengthen Your RelationshipI’ve definitely talked about this in previous articles before so I apologize if you are already familiar with what I’m about to say. However, if you are new to this website then you are in for a treat.

First, a few statistics.

Our average client considers themselves to be on the anxious spectrum,

While our average clients ex tends to veer more towards the avoidant spectrum side of things,

So, generally the average pairing that we are dealing with is,

Avoidant (ex) + Anxious (client)

If you aren’t familiar with how these attachment styles typically operate then allow me to briefly summarize.

There are really only two types of attachment styles,

1. Secure Ones
2. Insecure Ones

The end goal for everyone from an attachment perspective is to obtain a secure attachment style.

Of course, most of the people that we help on a day to day basis have one of three insecure attachment styles,

1. Avoidant Attachment Style = Someone who values independence
2. Anxious Attachment Style = Someone who is terrified of being abandoned
3. Fearful Attachment Style = Someone who has both anxious and avoidant core wounds

Now, perhaps the biggest advantage of immersing yourself into attachment theory is the simple fact that your attachment style is fluid. This means that it can change based on circumstances or company.

Literally every person you interact with can have an impact on your attachment style or you on theirs.

For example, let’s say that you start off with a completely secure attachment but you are best friends with an anxious attachment. Simply by being in their orbit that anxious attachment can start to rub off on you and your securely attached personality can begin to become infected with anxious tendencies.

Ah, but the opposite is also true.

Your anxious best friend, being around someone who has a secure attachment can learn what secure behavior looks like and their attachment style can be changed.

What this means is that every relationship in your life is an interesting chemistry experiment.

This is especially true in romantic relationships.

But doesn’t it take two to tango?

Doesn’t your ex also have to put forth an effort to become more secure.

Technically yes but it goes back to that old adage of only focusing on what you can control which in most of my clients’ cases means they need to work on turning their anxious tendencies into more secure ones.

And this is that substance I was talking about at the beginning of this section.

If you want to have a stronger relationship the next time around then you need to push all your chips in on the secure attachment gravity factor.

What Is Secure Attachment Gravity?It’s my fancy way of saying that as long as you work in the time away on achieving a more secure mindset then you give yourself the best chance of having that rub off on your ex when you get back together.

But how does one become more secure?

That’s the challenge isn’t it?

It’s definitely not an overnight process but I think it starts with taking a look at who you have surrounded yourself with.

Remember, our attachment styles are shaped and formed by others. So, if we have that friend whose always anxious or always avoidant and doesn’t seem to add too much to your life then it may be time to consider cutting ties.

That’s one part of it. Taking stock of your circle.

The other part of it is where I personally disagree with a lot of the psychologists and therapists out there.

In fact, I once had a therapist tell me in passing,

The way you have it conceptualized (attachment styles) is inaccurate. Attachment styles are formed in relationships, maintained in relationships and reformed in relationships.

I disagree. I think we have more control over our attachment styles than we think and it all starts with our behavior.

Anxious individuals tend to engage in anxious behaviors.

• Obsessing about exes
• Calling them
• Spying on their social media accounts
• Picking apart every interaction they are having on said social media account

The point is that these behaviors indulge the anxious core wound.

Think of how a secure person will act after a breakup.

• They grieve, sure
• But they don’t linger
• They have enough internal confidence that things will work out for them
• They start focusing their time on endeavors that actually make them happy

So, in my mind the best thing you can do for yourself is to start working on rewiring your priorities after the breakup.

If you take one thing from this article it should be this, you need to live for more than just your ex.

That’s the thing that people who get their exes back never seem to do. They revolve their entire lives around getting this person back and forget that the very thing that’ll strengthen their relationship with that person is if that person feels like they are dating an actual person, not a fan.

The post Can Breaking Up Strengthen A Relationship? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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This is a complete guide on why an ex would end things with you but still consistently contact you.

So, if you’re looking to understand

Why they do it.

What’s going on psychologically.

How to tell if their overtures are genuine.

Then you’ll love everything we talk about in this new guide.

First things first though,

Why would an ex still stay in touch after breaking it off with you?

Well, I think it boils down to five things,

1. Avoidant Nostalgic Reverie
2. Grass Is Greener
3. Ensuring That You Are An Option Lined Up For Later
4. He’s Grown Jealous Of You From Afar
5. He May Genuinely Want To Reconcile

Let’s get started!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizThing#1: The Avoidant Nostalgic ReverieA year ago I wrote an article on how to make an avoidant miss you.

The research done in pursuit of answering that one question (how to make an avoidant miss you) turned out to be pretty revolutionary for the way we advise our clients to handle their exes. In fact, I grew so inspired by it that I filmed an entire video on the topic,

Now, you may be sitting there (or standing) reading this article and ultimately rolling your eyes with the thought that your ex is in no way an avoidant.

And you may be right.

However, according to internal polls of our clients most believe their exes to be avoidant and it isn’t particularly close,

Avoidants are interesting because what you expect to typically work on them doesn’t typically work.

Anyways, back to my video above.

When researching the topic on how to make an avoidant miss you I actually stumbled across the concept of nostalgic reverie. Something that avoidants often fall victim to.

The way it works is simple,

Avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship, and typically out of contact so they are untouched by actual engagement and their deactivation systems aren’t triggered, revealing their long-suppressed attachment and switching their operating attachment wound from the fear of engulfment to fear of abandonment. (source)

So, given enough time, space and signals that you are moving on an avoidant will suddenly feel safe enough to begin missing you.

One potential explanation for what could be happening with your guy still being in contact with you even after HE broke up with you is that enough time has gone by to where this nostalgic reverie is getting triggered.

Of course, this is only one potential explanation.

We still have four more.

Thing #2: The Grass Is Greener On The Other SideAs long as breakups exist in the world so too will the concept of the grass is greener syndrome.

No one initiates a breakup with the thought of it being a bad idea. Inherently it’s always looked at as though the grass will be greener on the other side.

And for some people it is.

But for others, it’s not.

And the tricky part about all this is that the jury is kind of out on a conclusion for a while.

Years ago I wrote about this concept called “the ungettable girl.”

Specifically my “setting the bar” phenomenon.

Imagine for a moment that we could do a rudimentary calculation that measured your satisfaction in your relationship with your ex.

Let’s say that One = Unhappy

&

Let’s say that Ten = Extremely happy

That number of satisfaction is actually going to change over time a lot.

At the beginning it’s probably going to be a perfect ten but as the relationship wears on it will become less and less potent. Maybe towards the end your ex is feeling somewhere around a six which causes them to sit back and think,

Hmm… I wonder if I can do better.

And que the breakup.

That’s usually where most relationship pundits stop though when explaining the grass is greener syndrome. However, there’s actually more to it.

The satisfaction, or rather, the memory of how satisfied your ex was with you can change over time.

You see, there’s also another comparison going on and that comparison is how satisfied you are in your current relationship as opposed to how satisfied you are in your previous relationship.

Let’s say your ex leaves you to be with someone else. Throughout that relationship they are having with someone else they are constantly comparing how they feel with the new person to how they felt with you but these numbers are fluid. Maybe at first they feel like they are on top of the world.

They are in the middle of a honeymoon period.

But over time that satisfaction drops with their current person.

And a funny thing happens to their memory of their satisfaction with you.

The peak end rule goes into effect.

The Peak End Rule: Basically human beings rely on two distinct points to remember experiences. The peaks and the ends.

Your ex starts remembering their time with you more fondly while simultaneously thinking of their time with the new person more negatively. This triggers that grass is greener syndrome and can leave a bitter taste in their mouth. It might also account for why they stay in touch with you even while they are with someone else.

Thing #3: Ensure You Are An Option Lined Up For LaterI think this one is closely related to the grass is greener syndrome which is why I placed it right next to it in the order of my explanation.

So, with GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) your ex thinks they can do better than you so they break up with you to go find that magical unicorn (that definitely doesn’t exist because you are super duper awesome.) Anyways, some men you’ll find like to have a contingency plan in the off chance that they don’t find that other person.

They want to “keep their options open with you.”

And they know exactly what to do to keep you on the hook.

They’ll give you false hope in the form of future pacing.

Common examples include,

• Breaking up with you but claiming you’ll get back together soon
• Flirting with you
• Being extremely hot and cold

It’s all something that they are doing to make sure you are their fallback option.

Thing #4: He’s Grown Jealous Of You From AfarOne of the things that I really harp on with my personal coaching clients is the importance of making sure your social media game is on point.

Doing so at times requires you to dip your hands “a little” in the jealousy jar.

And boy…. my clients really rule when it comes to this.

One look around our private facebook group would show you a whole album of pictures dedicated to successful jealousy pictures that you can use in the post breakup period.

(They are all done tastefully, don’t worry. We subscribe to the less is more theory.)

The one thing that men, as a whole, hate after a breakup is an ex who actually looks like they are doing better than them. Social media is the key to propagating that narrative. So, if you’ve been particularly killing it on your social media after the breakup then it is entirely plausible that your ex has grown jealous of you and that naturally manifests a situation where an ex will want to get back in touch.

Thing #5: He May Genuinely Want To ReconcileThis is still a real possibility.

Sometimes there are no shadow motives happening behind the scenes. Sometimes it’s as simple as an ex wanting you back.

Of course, I think the key lies in understanding how authentic your ex is being.

And really there is only one authenticity check that matters.

Do their words line up with their actions?

If you have an ex who tells you that they’d love to “hang out” or “see you again,” do they actually do that?

Do they actually take steps to secure a meetup or date of that nature?

If they don’t then that probably means that they weren’t authentic.

The cool thing is you can apply the words vs actions idea to anything in life.

To quote Batman,

It’s not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.

So, what does your ex actually do?

The post He Ended It But Still Contacts Me first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today I’d like to go through exactly what an ex boyfriend is thinking during every single day of a no contact rule.

A few stipulations though,

I want to use the most common version of no contact, the 30 day rule, as a guinea pig.

After spending the better part of a day outlining I think the best way to tackle this complex problem is by looking at it in phases.

Specifically these six phases,

1. Days 1-5 (Separation Elation Phase)
2. Days 6- 10 (The Wonder/Annoyance Phase)
3. Days 11-15 (The Anger Phase)
4. Days 16 – 20 (The Dyadic Phase)
5. Days 21 – 25 (The Realization Phase)
6. Days 25 – 30 (The Acceptance Phase)

You’ll notice if you are an avid reader of this site that this article bears a striking resemblance to this one. I’m writing this article in a way so that the two can be used simultaneously to compliment one another.

Though this particular article is far more interested in the actual thoughts an ex will have when the no contact rule is being done on them.

Enough chit chat, let’s begin!

Days 1 – 5 (Separation Elation Phase)The biggest misconception that people have about the no contact rule is that by enacting it an ex will suddenly grow anxious and blow up their phone trying to reconcile.

And sure, I’ve seen it happen before. I mean, come on, we’ve all seen it before. Stuff like this goes around in our Facebook group all day,

But our research has shown that this is actually the exception to the rule. In fact, most exes don’t even contact you at all during a no contact and that’s ok.

Instead, what’s most likely to happen is what I’ve coined the “separation elation” phase.

This is taken directly from attachment style research. Well, specifically attachment style research for avoidants.

Pulling a quote from my favorite avoidant resource, Free To Attach,

After a relationship ends, people with an avoidant attachment style tend not to show much anxiety or distress, often feeling an initial sense of relief at the relinquishing of obligations and the sense that they are regaining their self-identity, and not tending to initially miss their partner – this is “separation elation” as the pressure to connect is gone.

So, in the early stages of no contact, specifically in the first five days what you’ll probably see isn’t an ex who is deeply saddened but rather an ex who is overjoyed at their newfound freedom.

Common Behaviors To Expect In Days 1 – 5* Snarky social media posts bragging about how great they are doing * Jealousy ploys * Hearing through mutual friends that they seem to be happy

Days 6- 10 (The Wonder/Annoyance Phase)The next five days is where the magic of the no contact rule can begin to take effect.

So, the first five days your ex is partying.

They’re having fun.

Talking nonstop about how great the breakup has been for them.

This is where that changes, right?

Well, no, not exactly.

A complete 180 like that takes a lot longer to occur but this second phase is really where two things are going to happen.

1. The first thing is they are going to start to wonder why you haven’t reached out to them
2. The second thing is that they are going to grow annoyed at the fact that they may have had you pegged incorrectly.

The wonder thing is pretty easy to digest.

One minute you are clearly trying to reconcile and the next you fall off the face of the earth. It’s natural to wonder why your ex had a sudden change of heart.

And that’s what gets the wheels turning.

It’s that inception idea.

Your absence, your seemingly being ok with that absence plants an idea in their head.

Why?

Why is she suddenly ok with us being apart.

It causes him to rethink his assumptions about you.

And this annoys him. He may have had you pegged wrong. At the heart of every breakup is the childish notion of their being a winner and a loser.

Any guy who goes through separation elation is going to feel like a winner, right?

Well, your silence brings that into question.

And it’s annoying.

Especially when something that you wholeheartedly believed turns out not to be so true.

Common Behaviors To Expect In Days 6 – 10* A slow down on their bragging about their life * Snarky comments about you to mutual friends

Days 11-15 (The Anger Phase)Recently, my wife and I have been watching Master Chef.

(Words I never thought in a million years I’d mutter.)

Yep, I got sucked into a darn cooking show,

Anyways, one of the things they have these competitors doing is dividing them up into teams to see how they can work in a group.

Inevitably, in a fast paced competition tempers are going to flare.

And there’s always that one guy (or gal) who messes something up, grows angry and finds it easier to start blaming other people instead of taking ownership for the mistakes they may have been responsible for.

That’s what I’ve noticed about anger during the no contact rule. In fact, Coach Anna and I had a really great discussion about this a few years ago on the podcast.

The argument we made was thus,

One of the best ways to distract ourselves from feeling pain is by growing angry at someone else.

Think about it from a guys perspective.

• It’s been over a week since no contact has been enacted.
• You’ve been on a separation elation high
• You’ve realized that maybe you didn’t have your ex pegged the way you thought you did
• It’s causing you to grow a bit angry.

So, whose to blame for this rollercoaster of circumstance?

Your ex seems like a perfectly good candidate.

Common Behaviors To Expect In Days 11 – 15* Angry text messages * Angry notes left on cars * Bad mouthing you to mutual friends

Days 16 – 20 (The Dyadic Phase)Ah, but alas, you can’t blame your ex forever.

This is where the Dyadic phase comes into play.

In the past I’ve defined the Dyadic phase as,

The situation where one or both partners try to fix the relationship. However, there is a hyper focus on them fixing symptoms and not actual problems.

But how are you supposed to view this if you just had an ex say all kinds of mean things about you?

Does the dyadic phase simply mean that they are going to try to “fix” the relationship?

No, instead, its best to think of it in terms of the drunk texting phenomenon.

Not to say that you’ve ever drunk texted anyone but let’s play devils advocate and assume you have.

Usually after the texting is over and you wake up with a massive hangover and survey the wreckage you’ve created while inebriated.

You are overcome with a wave of guilt and perhaps even a bit of shame. Next, it’s time to do the apology tour.

Well, your during this phase of the no contact rule your ex might experience something similar.

Regret for the mean things they texted you.

Shame for how they’ve acted.

This can cause them to be apologetic even. We’ve seen the common “takeback” texts after the “angry texts.”

It usually looks something like this,

This is the dyadic phase at work.

They aren’t trying to fix the relationship. Rather, they’re trying to make themselves feel better because in their own head they aren’t the bad guy. Sometimes for an ex this is all they have to hold on to and if that perception becomes flawed their entire world can come crashing down.

Common Behaviors To Expect In Days 16 – 20* Apologizing for angry texts in the previous phase * Acting like the angry texts never happened and trying to start a conversation

Days 21 – 25 (The Realization Phase)It’s almost been a month and you’ve been completely radio silent.

They might have started stalking your social media profiles to see what you are up to. They see you posting so they know you aren’t kidnapped. Nope, just ignoring them. This is the phase where I think they start to realize that you never talking to them again might actually occur.

And I’m not really sure they’re ok with that.

This is often the phase where we see exes try one last desperate plea to get you to respond.

Which means you’re going to get this kind of behavior,

Common Behaviors To Expect In Days 21 – 25* Another angry text * Lying to get you to respond * Showing up at your work * Showing up at your house

Days 25 – 30 (The Acceptance Phase)This phase is simple.

They start to accept life without you.

Don’t panic though, this phase is the crux of my argument for why I believe you should be reaching out after no contact.

Think of the roller coaster your ex has been on throughout this no contact period up to this point.

• They start off happy +
• Then they started to get irked at the fact that you were ignoring them –
• They got angry at you –
• That anger might have made them feel better for a moment +
• The feel bad about some of the things they may have said to you –
• They make themselves feel better by apologizing or trying to put a band aid over the problem +
• They realize they may never hear from you again –

That’s literally four emotional value changes.

They are up one moment.

Down the next.

And here’s the beauty of the way I teach the no contact rule.

YOU will be reaching out after it but only after they’ve gone through this journey.

Right when they’ve started to accept their new reality you give them one last value change.

You reach out to them.

Start a conversation.

Turn their negative into a positive.

Now, it’s not always as cut and dry of a scenario as I’ve outlined. However, I believe the theory is sound.

Of course, it’s undone if you break no contact prematurely (assuming you aren’t doing a limited version of it.)

It screws with the value changes.

So, I guess my ultimate argument is this.

Allow your ex to go through a journey during the no contact. Trust that the mere act of your silence will be enough to not only reorient your world but reorient theirs so that by the time the two of you get back in touch he’s a lot more willing to take you seriously.

The post What He’s Thinking During Every Day Of No Contact first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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There seems to be a dangerous misconception making the rounds on the internet lately. It’s this idea that an ex (or a guy) who blocks you, actually loves you.

As if they’re just playing some weird reverse psychology trick on you. Well, today I’d actually like to peel back the layers on this onion and take an in-depth look at what’s really going on with a guy when he blocks you.

So, I’d like to divide this article up into three distinct parts

1. Answering The Question On If A Man Blocking You Actually Means He Loves You
2. The Important Role Avoidant Behavior Plays Into Blocking
3. Why The Mere Act Of Obsessing About This Is Setting You Back

Let’s just dive right in.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?Take the quizDoes Him Blocking You Actually Mean He Loves You?My team and I have been studying breakups for close to ten years. So, it’s pretty safe to say that we’ve seen a lot of situations.

Obviously the art of the “block” is one of the most feared outcomes for our clients. So, where exactly did this phenomenon of thinking a guy who blocks you actually meaning he loves you come from.

Well, here’s the trajectory I’ve seen with my clients.

• Your ex blocks you
• Psychological reactance takes hold of you causing you to grow a bit desperate
• You hyper focus on the “good moments” of the relationship
• Specifically where he tells you he loves you
• You do some research and see that all the experts suggest that the opposite of love isn’t anger, it’s indifference

And it’s that last statement where things get interesting because technically an ex blocking you is them taking an action that enables them to be indifferent towards you going forward.

But no one really views blocking as an indifferent action anymore. It’s viewed as an angry one.

And that leads us to the carrot,

The one that says that an ex angrily blocking you actually means they love you.

I don’t necessarily agree with that statement. I think it’s a stretch based on a flawed premise.

The reason most people “block” is due to an avoidant trigger they may have not because they love you.

The Important Role Avoidant Behavior Plays Into BlockingLast year I wrote and filmed a lot on the topic of avoidants,

In fact, I personally believe that the first thing everyone who is new to my program or new to my website should be doing is going through a crash course on avoidant behavior.

Why?

Well, maybe the fact that most of our clients say their exes are avoidant is a big reason.

So, here’s what we know about avoidants.

Each avoidant has the same core wound. A deep fear of losing their independence.

And each avoidant experiences some variation of the following circular pattern if you will,

1. The avoidant wants someone to love them
2. They find you and believe their troubles are over
3. They notice some worrying things
4. This causes them to think of leaving
5. They actually leave
6. They are happy they left
7. They start to feel lonely
8. They wonder why this always happens to them

So, if you look closely at the graphic above you’ll notice that things start to turn on the avoidant right around stage seven.

The moment they start to grow a little lonely.

And we see this play out all the time in actual situations where our own clients have been blocked by an avoidant. One of the things you’ll constantly hear me say is that the best way to get unblocked is to simply do nothing.

Just live your life.

Let the avoidant go through the death wheel above.

Eventually stage seven will hit and they’ll unblock you. Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, check out this poll I conducted last year,

Close to 70% of participants admitted that their exes unblocked them.

And this is where that assumption of them still being in love with you comes into play but I wouldn’t call it love. Not yet, at least.

More than anything this just solidifies that an avoidant is a slave to their avoidant programming.

But you aren’t fully interested in that, are you?

No, what you really want is the secret sauce on how to get a long term commitment. How to get a guy to fall in love and propose.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot and honestly I think it all boils down to one thing.

Most Of The Women I’ve Coached Obsess About The Wrong ThingsNow, this isn’t an indictment of women in general. In fact, I think most women in the dating world actually have the right way of looking at things.

However, most of the women that frequent this website, by their own admission, have anxious attachment tendencies,

One of the classifying markers of someone with this type of attachment style is the following core wound,

Core Wound: Terrified of being abandoned.

And as you might have guessed having an ex block you is something that directly triggers that core wound for an anxious attachment style.

This leads most of my clients down what I consider to be a dangerous path. One fraught with,

1. Desperation
2. Begging
3. Obsession

We’ve all seen the meme online of the ex girlfriend who went crazy after a breakup blowing her exes phone up. More than likely this “crazy” person isn’t really crazy. Their anxious attachment got triggered and they’re reacting the only way they know how.

They want to fix things.

And they want to turn over every stone to do it.

But I’m getting a bit off topic. I’d actually like to turn my attention to a statement I made above.

I argue that the best way to get “unblocked” by an ex is to do nothing at all. Simply wait and trust that the avoidant attachment death wheel will do its work for you.

I then went on to show you internal research that basically backed my point up. However, I was being a bit heavy handed.

I was leaving out half the equation.

When someone enters my orbit and is serious about ex recovery the one thing I am very adamant about doing is ensuring that they reorient their world.

One analogy that I’ve used often is the solar system analogy. A huge pitfall that I’ve noticed women fall into when they’ve been blocked is their entire world revolves around the person that blocked them.

Much like the planets orbiting around a sun.

Your entire life revolves around your ex.

Or more to the point,

I know my ex loves me so how can I get my ex to unblock me?

But I’ve already established that I don’t think your ex loves you if he blocks you. Besides, in most cases what can cause an ex to block you is if they see that your solar system revolves around them.

Perhaps its flattering at first but over time you sort of lose respect for that person. It’s the classic case of a man getting everything he wished for in a woman and then taking it for granted.

It also has a bit to do with that pedestal effect concept I’ve talked about in videos before,

We always want to be dating someone above our weight class. Someone that we hold on a pedestal. Though situations like that tend to be incredibly rare so most of us are just happy to be dating someone “equal” to us.

What we don’t want is someone that we think we are better than.

They lose value in that circumstance.

What men really want is a woman who they admire.

A woman with her own solar system.

But how do you get your own solar system.

Well, I think it starts in the most unlikely of places.

• It starts with your ability to live for more than your ex.
• It starts with you becoming someone to be admired.

And this is where I think I lose most people because they think I’m saying that they’re not good enough the way they are currently.

That’s simply not true.

Being someone admired simply means you accomplish your trinity goals.

My concept of the holy trinity has gone viral because its a concept that really works.

Essentially you divide your life into three distinct parts,

1. Health
2. Wealth
3. Relationships

Now, originally in 2013 when I thought up the concept I made it all about balancing the three areas. I talk about their interconnectedness and how when one goes up the others can go up or how when one goes down the other can go down.

And that’s all still true.

But I’m not sure that’s helpful for most of the people reading this.

There’s a more important step that I don’t often talk about.

Setting a global goal for each area of the trinity.

So, I’ll use myself as an example. My global goals for the trinity are,

1. Health: Compete In An Iron Man World Championship Event
2. Wealth: Have A Net Worth Of 100 Million
3. Relationship: Be Married Until The Day I Die

So, really, the trinity is about dreams. It’s about setting specific goals to help you achieve your dreams in every important area of your life.

And honestly a global trinity goal needs to sound ridiculous otherwise it isn’t going to be good enough. It literally needs to be the type of goal that others scoff at because they don’t think they can achieve it.

THIS is what you should be obsessing about after a breakup. Not an ex. Not what he’s up to. Not if he loves you even though he blocked you.

Doing the trinity work is what creates the spark for him to fall back in love with you.

Your challenge is you just have to be willing to put in the time to start climbing toward your global trinity goals.

The post If He Blocks You, He Loves You? Here’s The Truth first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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What if I were to tell you that there are six types of breakups that are likely to get back together? Would you be interested in what they were? Well, today that’s what we’re going to be talking about. Below I have listed the six types of breakups that in my opinion are the easiest […]

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Today I’d like to talk about how to be mentally strong after a breakup. Arguably one of the most important things you are going to hear me talk about on this website. Perhaps the greatest irony of this all is that no one really wants to spend time thinking about it. Instead, what garners the […]

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Over 90% of the individuals who visit this website have been broken up with by their exes and yet, the irony is that they are often on the receiving end of an exes hostility. Today, I’d like to talk about why that is and really dive into what’s behind an exes anger. In this In-Depth […]

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Today we’re going to tackle the breakup relief phenomenon by figuring out exactly how long you can realistically expect it to last. In my opinion, the breakup relief stage can last anywhere from 1 to 2 months from the onset of a breakup with it taking roughly 5 months before individuals actually feel they’ve healed […]

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Today I’m going to talk about the psychology behind why your ex could have blocked you and I’m going to do it by talking about “the core four.” What Is The Core Four? In my humble opinion there are four clear reasons for why exes block one another. The Attempt To Forget The Reactionary Attempt […]

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Yesterday I was scrolling through our Private Facebook Support Group and stumbled across this comment, Specifically this line in the comment stuck out to me, He says he doesn’t care, but does he? It’s one of the most common questions I get asked on a daily basis and today I’m going to show you the […]

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Ever since I started Ex Boyfriend Recovery back in 2012 I’ve been having a war with the scum of the earth (not really.) Every single day I open up my website and navigate to the comments section I’m greeted with a whole host of comments like this, Basically it’s a spam advertisement to contact a […]

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Today I’d like to talk about why I believe ditching your ex after a breakup makes you more attractive to them and can eventually lead to them asking for you back. It seems to be common knowledge that a certain phenomenon seems to exist when it comes to “ditching exes.” And perhaps it is this […]

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Today I’d like to have an in-depth discussion on avoidants specifically as it relates to them falling in love and what that looks/feels like. Now, most of the time when one of my peers covers this topic they focus on the major signs avoidants love you and what that looks like. In fact, I think […]

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Today I’d like to talk about the one behavior that your ex can’t seem to resist. Achieve this one behavior and you’ll dramatically raise the chances of them reaching out and showing interest. (I can’t guarantee they’ll come back. No one can but I can guarantee if you do this they’ll show interest.) So, what […]

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Today I’m going to show you the eight most common mistakes people make after a breakup. And I brought in the brilliant Coach Shaunna Nicol to help me. Here are the major mistakes, Not Implementing A No Contact Rule Moving On Too Soon Snooping Trying To Get Closure Breaking No Contact Gnatting And Begging Bragging […]

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Today we’re going to talk about if exes ever come back to you after dating someone new. Like most things in the breakup industry there is a short answer and a long answer to this. Really quick, here’s the short answer; It is definitely possible for an ex to come back to you after dating […]

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Today we’re going to talk about why your ex jumped into another relationship so quickly after their breakup with you. And really I want to highlight two areas that often don’t get talked about enough, The Swept Under The Rug Facts About Rebounds How Avoidant Research Can Help Us Understand The Speed Of Rebounds So, […]

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Today we’re going to talk about what it means when you’ve gone through a breakup with your ex but you are still acting like a couple. And I’ve brought my new partner in crime, Shaunna Nicol, who just happens to be the newest addition to our coaching team to help me out with this article. […]

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Today Coach Shaunna and I are going to be covering the major signs that your ex is still attached to you after a breakup. In all, we believe there are six core behaviors that most exes who are still very attached to you will exhibit, The way your ex speaks to you How much time […]

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Today I’m going to answer if the silent treatment actually works on an ex. In my humble opinion, the silent treatment can be effective on an ex if you want to get them back and if you want to get over them. However, in both cases it requires you to have great emotional control and […]

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Today we’re going to talk about why your ex is flaunting their new relationship all over social media. Unfortunately, this is something that we see a lot of in our private Facebook support group. I’m of the opinion that there are four core reasons for why an ex would “flaunt” a relationship on social media. […]

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Today we’re going to talk about if “disappearing” on your ex is a viable strategy to re-attract them. In other words, does it work? I’m of the opinion that while each breakup is unique with its own set of circumstances, in general, disappearing on your ex for a certain amount of time can be effective […]

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Today we’re going to talk about what you should say to your ex before you implement a no contact rule. Well, technically we’re going to talk about if you should say anything or not before you start no contact. In my opinion, the no contact rule is more effective if you do it without any […]

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Today we’re going to talk about if it’s healthy to keep in touch with an ex. In my opinion, staying in touch with your ex without the right type of mindset only serves to feed the addictive nature of the breakup. Therefore, it’s only healthy to get back in touch with an ex if you […]

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Today we’re going to talk about the five core strategies you can use to cope with a breakup that you didn’t want. In this in depth guide you’re going to learn, Always Start With A No Contact The Holy Trinity Global Vs. Local Goals Finding A Magnum Opus Goal Crafting Your Own Sphere Of Influence […]

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Today we’re going to talk about how to deal with an ex that has moved on from you quickly. There’s a lot to cover here, many of it philosophical by nature but I promise by the end of this article you’ll have a clear idea of what you should do to deal with the devastation […]

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Today we’re going to be talking about what can trigger a fearful avoidant to become either more anxious or avoidant. If you aren’t familiar, A person who has a fearful avoidant attachment style is someone who contains both core wounds of an anxious and avoidant attachment style. So, a fearful avoidant has a deep seated […]

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Today we’re going to talk about exactly how long it usually takes for an ex to miss you after a breakup. In fact, based on our research you can expect the average ex to begin missing you anywhere between 2.5 to 5.2 months after a breakup assuming you put forth signals that you are “moving […]

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Today we’re going to talk about why dumpers act so cold after a breakup. Specifically, I’d like to focus on why they demonize you and make you out to be the bad guy when they themselves were the one to break up with you. In all, I think the best place to start is by […]

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Today we’re going to talk about what you should be doing with your life after a breakup. Now, seeing as how my team and I have probably seen more breakups than anyone out there we have a very good grasp of what works and doesn’t work in the post breakup time period. In all, we’ve […]

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Today we’re going to talk about how to know if your ex is breadcrumbing you but looking specifically at real life tactics exes have used to breadcrumb. First things first though, What is breadcrumbing? Breadcrumbing often occurs when an ex does just enough to make you think they are interested in “re-pursuing” a relationship with […]

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Today I’m going to look at one of the most common situations that our clients find themselves. Figuring out exactly why an ex would reach out to you and then suddenly disappear. Unfortunately this type of mixed signal happens quite often and most of my clients are left wondering how the heck to make sense […]

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Today we’re going to talk about if it’s better to block or ignore your ex. Ultimately, the decision should be based on your overall goals post breakup. As a general rule of thumb, ignoring your ex and then getting back in contact later is used for getting an ex back. On the other hand, blocking […]

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Today I’m going to take on one of the most common question dumpees ask about dumpers; Will they come back if they are emotionally unavailable? Now, just so we’re operating under the same framework I’m going to define a dumper who is emotionally unavailable as someone who, Is not comfortable sharing feelings or emotions with […]

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Today we’re going to be talking about the major stages that a fearful avoidant will go through during a breakup. And here to help us is one of the best fearful avoidant experts in the world, Dr. Tyler Ramsey, to help dissect the stages. According to Dr. Ramsey there are five key stages that a […]

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Today I’d like to explore exactly when the dumper can start missing the dumpee. And really I think there are three specific things to touch on with this topic. Answering if the dumper will even miss their ex after a breakup Understanding how an avoidant self fulfilling cycle comes into play Managing your expectations on […]

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Today we’re going to be talking about exactly how to know if your ex is confused. And I brought in our very own Dr. Tyler Ramsey to help us with this. According to him, the very best way to determine if your ex is confused is to take a long look at the actions versus […]

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This is a complete guide to the major stages of heartbreak after a breakup. In this in depth guide you’re going to learn, About the science of heartbreak Shock and denial Pain and guilt Anger Bargaining Depression The upward turn Acceptance Reconstruction So, if you’re ready to go all in on learning about the major […]

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Today we’re going to take a hard look at dumpers and answer if you can expect them to stalk you on social media. And I brought on our very own Dr. Tyler Ramsey to help. (Yep, just a few days ago Dr. Tyler literally became certified.) Ultimately, we are of the belief that in most […]

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Today we’re going to talk about the best way to tell a guy that you like him without getting rejected. The trap most women fall into when they want to tell a guy they like him is they play too hard to get. Here’s how it typically goes, So, there is a decision to be […]

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Today we’re going to be talking about exactly how to handle accidentally seeing your ex in person. Specifically I’d like to divide this article up into the following categories. How all people should react to seeing their ex If the guidelines for women are any different If the guidelines for men are any different Workshopping […]

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Today we’re going to talk about if you should send a closure letter to your ex and I’ve decided to bring in our wonderful Head Coach Anna to help me with this article. In this in-depth guide you’re going to learn, If you should even think of sending a closure letter to your ex Real […]

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Without a doubt my interview with Lee is among the best I’ve ever conducted and it seems many people on my YouTube channel agree, So, why is her interview resonating with people so much? Simply put, I think she adopted the mentality of the ungettable girl and STILL lives her life like it to this […]

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Today we’re going to be talking to CJ, who is one of the success stories from our program. She has one of the more interesting stories because not only did she get her ex boyfriend back but her ex husband came back as well. So, if you are interested in learning about, How to get […]

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Today we’re going to look at the benefits of outgrowing your ex. I had the pleasure of interviewing Brandon who is not only going to give us some insight into the male mind during a breakup but he’s going to share his amazing story on how he was able to recover from his breakup. So, […]

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This is a complete guide to understanding why a fearful avoidant pulls away. You’re going to learn, What A Fearful Avoidant Is Why Understanding Their Core Wound Is Essential What To Do When They Pull Away So, if you’re ready to understand exactly why a fearful avoidant acts they way they do then you’re in […]

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This is a doozy of a success story that I have for you today. I had the honor of interviewing Rachel who not only got her ex back but ended up getting married to the man of her dreams in the process. So, if you’ve ever dealt with a breakup that had any of the […]

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Today we’re going to be talking to one of our success stories, Jamie Cantrell. She has an incredibly interesting story because she created all this momentum that led to her ex trying to get back with her. She did this of course by dating other men and reclaiming her ungettable status. Let’s listen and learn […]

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I had the pleasure of interviewing one of the most interesting success stories in recent memory, Jane, who didn’t just get one ex back but two. In her interview we talk about, How she got two exes back. How learning to deal with an avoidant is an important part of this process When they pull […]

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Today we’re looking at how to get an ex back when you’ve done everything wrong. I thought the best way to tackle this subject was to actually feature one of our newest success stories from the ex recovery program, Sophie. She ended up getting her ex back and has progressed to the point that they […]

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Today we’re going to take an in-depth look at one of our success stories. Heather, a long time member of our private facebook support group ended up cracking the code on how to get her ex back. Of course, she had one of the most difficult situations you can imagine with her ex exhibiting fearful […]

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Today, we’re going to talk about the chances of getting an ex back after the no contact rule. Now, in the past, we’ve done articles and YouTube episodes and podcast episodes on your overall chances of getting an ex back. But one thing that we really haven’t hyper-focused on that we’re going to do today […]

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Today, we’re going to talk about how to tell if he’s not over his ex. Now what’s really interesting about this topic is that on our website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery, we mostly deal with people coming at it from the other side of the equation. Meaning they’ve been broken up with by an ex, they’re […]

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Today, we’re going to be talking about what to do if your relationship ended badly, if you should still be trying to repair that relationship, get that ex back or simply trying to move on. So let’s tackle the big question first, should you get your ex back? Can you get them back? Well the […]

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Today, we’re going to talk about how to break down your ex-boyfriend’s emotional wall. More specifically, we’re going to actually talk about what an emotional wall looks like when your ex is putting it up. We’re going to talk a little bit about why they put up an emotional wall and what type of attachment […]

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Today, we’re going to talk about what it means when an ex-boyfriend wants to hang out with you. So ultimately, we’re going to be defining what that situation looks like and it’s not necessarily the most common situation that we encounter within our coaching practice, but we do see it from time to time. So […]

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Today I’m super excited to talk about what to do when your ex goes back to their ex but still ends up texting you. In fact, this is a situation that we’ve talked a lot about in the past. Ultimately I think there are three big questions we need to consider answering. Defining what this […]

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If you’re interested in learning how to get a fearful avoidant ex back then this is definitely the success story you want to pay attention to. I had the pleasure of talking to Aimee who is a tenured member of our program and ended up getting her ex back. Don’t believe me? We talked about, […]

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Today, we’re going to talk about what to do if you run into an ex who dumped you. This is always a difficult situation to be in, because most of the time it happens when you’re not expecting it. There are some cases where we find some of our clients will manufacture run-ins with their […]

The post I Ran Into My Ex! What Do I Do Now? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today, we’re going to talk about, what to do when you go through a breakup with your boyfriend and they go back to their ex. This is always a difficult situation because, without a doubt, the number one fear most people have when they go through a breakup is, what if they find someone better […]

The post I Broke Up With My Boyfriend And He Went Back To His Ex first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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We constantly hear from ladies who read that they should post on social media during No Contact. But they just can’t figure out the right thing to post to get their ex’s attention and make him jealous.

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Today, we’re going to talk about how to stay in no contact. And this is actually going to be one of the most difficult things that you’re going to experience when you actually attempt a no contact rule. In fact, we estimate that roughly 80% of people who try a no contact rule for the […]

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Today we’re going to be talking about why your ex is trying to hurt you. And we’re going to be using a real life scenario. Someone from our private Facebook support group was kind enough to allow me to use their situation to basically talk about why exes are mean, why they say disrespectful things, […]

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Today, we’re going to be talking about a little bit more of a general topic, and that’s what to do when a long-term relationship ends abruptly. I guess the reason that I wanted to talk about this is because oftentimes there’s not a lot of people in the industry that do talk about this. So […]

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If you’ve ever wondered how you can get an avoidant ex back when you’re extremely anxious then you came to the right place. Last week I had the opportunity to interview Grace, one of our success stories of the program about how she successfully won her ex back. What was interesting was how she mentioned […]

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Today I talk to Jenny who got her ex back without fully completing a no contact rule. I found her situation completely fascinating because she’s a bit of a unicorn. The no contact rule without a doubt is one of the premier strategies in the industry so when someone succeeds without out I’m always interested […]

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Everyone is always looking for the secret to getting their exes back when they come to Ex Boyfriend Recovery. Well, our latest success story, Lauren, may have found it. In today’s interview I sit down with her and quiz her about everything she did to successfully get her ex back. But what struck me wasn’t […]

The post Success Story: She Got Her Ex Back Following This Exact Game Plan first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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If you’re interested in learning about the biggest mistakes you can make when texting your ex then you definitely came to the right place. Today Tyler Ramsey and I discuss the biggest texting blunders we are seeing clients make and how to avoid them. Also, if you haven’t already make sure you take our ex […]

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A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to talk to our head coach, Anna Gonowon, about texting an ex and she told me this fantastic story about how she got her husband, who at one point was her ex, to drop everything and show up at her doorstep with a text. The beauty of […]

The post Doing This Can Make Your Ex Come Crawling Back Ahead Of Time first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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If you have ever wondered about the effectiveness of the no contact rule and its impact on your overall chances of success with your ex then you’ll definitely want to pay attention to this interview. I had the pleasure of interviewing one of the latest success of our program, Harley, and was blown away with […]

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What if I were to tell you that Coach Anna has found new research that proves your ex is hardwired to care about you. Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, it’s actually not as it was the topic of our latest podcast interview. Check it out. Your Ex May Be Hardwired To Care […]

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Today Coach Anna and I are going to be sitting down and basically handcrafting through this podcast episode, the ultimate guide to dealing with anxiety after a breakup. We’re going to be talking about how to get your anxiety under control. Why it’s so important to get it under control How attachment styles plays a […]

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Today I brought on our new coach Tyler Ramsey to discuss the best way to approach an LGBTQ Ex. The LGBTQ breakup situation is one in which Ex Boyfriend Recovery was sorely lacking in advice and after discussing it with Tyler we determined that there are enough subtle difference that we are going to begin […]

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Lately we’ve been talking a lot about this concept of letting an ex go to make them come back. I’ve been on record many times saying how I think this is a key component to the no contact rule and the success you can see afterwards and it looked like Jule, our latest success story, […]

The post Success Story: Letting Her Ex Go Made Him Want To Come Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we’re going to be talking about how criticism is destructive to any relationship and I brought on my friend Dr. Jessica Higgins from the Empowered Relationship Podcast to help us discuss exactly how criticism can ruin your relationship. I felt this was an extremely relevant topic since we’ve found that roughly half of our success […]

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This is a super fun interview I had the pleasure of doing with Coach Anna on exactly how to handle valentines day if you are going through a breakup. In this new interview you’ll learn, If you should contact your ex during valentines day How to handle a situation where you work with your ex […]

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Yesterday Coach Anna and I recorded an epic interview where we discussed exactly what to do if your ex is angry or mad at you. But more important we talk about what it means. What’s interesting about it is the interview evolved into a philosophical discussion on anger and aggression and the intent exes have […]

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A few days ago I was talking to my partner in crime, Coach Anna and I asked her one simple question. What are your clients struggling with the most? Here was her exact answer, I’m seeing people struggle with COVID and the quarantine as they try to get their ex back. Specifically how to be […]

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Today we’re going to be talking about pretty much everything that you can imagine relating to flirting. If you stick around until the end of this article with Coach Anna and I, we’re going to talk to you about; The science of flirting The different types of flirting The dos and don’ts of flirting. The […]

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A few days ago I had the opportunity of interviewing Antia Boyd who studied psychology from U.C. Berkley. One of the big things that I’ve noticed a lot of in my coaching sessions is a failure to properly understand the difference between an ex who is emotionally unavailable versus one who is just straight up […]

The post Emotionally Unavailable Men Vs. Narcissistic Men first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today coach Anna and I are going to be talking about how to handle holidays and special occasions with your ex. In other words, if you’ve ever gone through a breakup and wondered, What do I do about Christmas? What about Thanksgiving? What if my ex has a family member that passes away? Am I […]

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Today Coach Anna and I are going to be talking about one of the hotly debated topics, What we’ve been seeing with our clients and what we think is going to happen in 2021. So buckle up because we cover a lot of ground including, How the landscape has changed due to COVID What 2021 […]

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Today we’re going to be talking about attachment styles and how it plays into getting an ex back. I’m also proud to announce that I got an opportunity to interview Tyler Ramsey who coach Anna and I are bringing on to be our newest ex recovery coach. Check out his pretty awesome about page here. […]

The post How Attachment Styles Plays Into Getting An Ex Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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The being there method is one of those strategies that I talk about a lot on this website, podcast and YouTube channel but I’ve never devoted a lot of resources to actually diving in-depth on what it is. So, for the next few days that’s all I’m going to be doing. First up I got […]

The post Everything You’ll Ever Need To Know About “The Being There Method” first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I’m SUPER excited to introduce you guys to Karina one of our Ex Recovery Program members who got her ex back. I had the pleasure of sitting down with her last week for about an hour and got to ask her all kinds of different questions about how she succeeded in getting her ex back. […]

The post Success Story: Exactly How She Got Her Long Distance Army Ex Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today I’m super PUMPED to introduce you to Zoe our latest success story from the Ex Recovery Program. If you’ve ever had any thoughts about, If exes mean it when they say “I’m never coming back” On again/off again relationships How to deal with anxiety and depression during a breakup Then today’s success story interview […]

The post Success Story: He Said “I Don’t Take Ex Girlfriends Back” Then Promptly Came Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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We’ve come to learn that the secret to “attracting an ex back” and “getting over an ex” is to actually learn how to attract other men to you. Wild, right? Well, today you’re in luck because I had the opportunity to sit down for an hour and interview one of the top experts in the […]

The post How To Attract The Right Type Of Men (With Inna Mel) first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today I have a special treat for you. Last week I had the pleasure of interviewing Sarah who is one of our success stories. Again, if you haven’t been paying attention I’ve been doing this series where I’ve been interviewing people who have come through our program and have gotten their exes back. Probably the […]

The post Success Story: How She Secured A Date And Got Her Ex Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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A few weeks ago I got a chance to interview the lovely Antia Boyd from Magnetize Your Man and I have to say I was blown away. Now, I know that’s something I’ve said before when I’ve introduced other experts to the community but this girl is on a whole different level. Usually whenever I […]

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Every week I try my best to interview a success story for my podcast. This week I had to opportunity to interview a wonderful young woman named Mary. As always, the purpose of these success story interviews isn’t to toot my own horn about how awesome I am but to actually see what I’m doing […]

The post Success Story: She Got Him Back And Then Decided He Wasn’t Good Enough For Her first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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A few days ago I had the pleasure of interviewing Jo, a woman who is part of my Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program. Like I’ve been saying for the past few weeks. I’ve been conducting this massive site wide/product wide interview series where I’m sitting down with real life success stories and asking them exactly what […]

The post Success Story: How One Woman Got Her Ex Back After Being Blocked first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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When you’ve been in this business as long as I have you encounter a lot of different situations. One of the most beautiful things about this baptism by fire is you start to notice certain trends. For instance, each and every situation is unique and while I’ve tried to create a framework that unites everything […]

The post Success Story: How To Get Back An Ex In A Long Distance Relationship first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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As many of you know, I’ve been on this success story kick lately. Basically every week I’m trying to drip feed hour long success story interviews to my YouTube channel so I can get to the bottom of what’s actually working for my clients. Not only has this practice been incredibly informative but I’ve even […]

The post Success Story: How To Get Back An Ex Who Ghosts You first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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As many of you know, I’ve been on a success story kick lately. In other words, I’ve been interviewing as many success stories that will be willing to come onto my podcast as possible. The end goal is always the same, We want to find out what really works in real life So far we’ve […]

The post Success Story: How One Woman Got An Ex Back Who Said They Had Personal Differences first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of interviewing Sarah who is one of the success stories with the Ex Recovery Program. As many of you may have noticed lately I’ve been on this kick where I’ve been interviewing as many success stories as possible. The goal here is simple, I’m on a quest […]

The post Her Ex Broke Up With Her Out Of The Blue And She Got Him Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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It is said that the three most stressful events of your life will be, The death of a love one A divorce of breakup from a loved one Moving One look at our private facebook support group will show you how stressful breakups can be, Luckily for you, I’ve went out and found an expert […]

The post How To Cope With The Stress Of Your Breakup first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of interviewing Laura, a woman who is a member of our flagship course, The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program. Laura ended up successfully getting her ex back. Anyways, she joined me for about an hour and I essentially picked her brain about what she did that worked and […]

The post How One Woman Got Her On Again/Off Again Ex Boyfriend Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of talking to Jared Haibon and Ashely Laconetti from The Bachelor about the key to their success. In case you didn’t know, Ashley had a pretty interesting rep on the bachelor as the “crying girl.” What’s pretty interesting about her is that from the get go she […]

The post Ashley And Jared From The Bachelor Tell Me The Key To Making Someone Who Isn’t Interested In You Actually Fall In Love With You first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Lately I’ve been doing this thing where I’m taking time out of my busy schedule to interview as many success stories as possible. You see, I’m a big believer in never being satisfied and always trying to get to the bottom of what the truth is. I’m not silly enough to believe that “getting an […]

The post Success Story: How She Got Her Ex Back When He Moved In With The Other Woman first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we’re going to be hearing from Laura, one of our Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program Success Stories who got her ex back after 10 months. How did she do it? Well, that’s what this interview was conducted for. Here are some of the things you can expect this interview to cover. How getting over your […]

The post It Took Her 10 Months To Get Him Back, Here’s Exactly How She Did It first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Have you ever wondered what your ex means when they say, “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” Well, it turns out that one of my clients was wondering the same thing when she started The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program. After a few months she found some incredible success and then just […]

The post He Said “I Love You But I’m Not IN LOVE With You” And Then He Came Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Okay today, we’re going to talk about why your ex suddenly stops responding to you. And if you stick around until the end of this podcast episode, I’m going to be answering some of the biggest questions that one of my one-on-one coaching clients is having about her breakup. But first things first, if you’re […]

The post Why Does My Ex Talk To Me And Then Ignore Me? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we’re going to talk about what ex-boyfriends think right before they break up with you. What creates that decision to actually want to go through a breakup? And what I think is going to make this particular article unique, as opposed to many of my other articles out there, is that I actually had […]

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Today we’re going to talk about the psychology of an ex when you text them. It’s going to be much in the same vein as some of the articles and videos that I’ve created or wrote over time. For example, one of my most popular articles ever was, The Male Mind During The No Contact […]

The post The Psychology Of An Ex During The Texting Phase first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we’re going to be talking about, why your ex is so uncomfortable around you. In fact, we’re going to give you the top five reasons that we have found exes are uncomfortable after breakups. But first, we always want to do this for anyone who’s new to this podcast/website. One of the most asked […]

The post Why Is My Ex So Uncomfortable Around Me? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we’re going to be talking about five real life signs that your breakup may be temporary. And when I say real life signs, I’m talking about real life people that we have worked with throughout the ex boyfriend recovery program that have gotten their exes back. These are some of the interesting signs that […]

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Today we’re going to be talking about why exes just suddenly go cold after things seem to be going so well. We’re going to hear from a listener named Lauren who’s going through a really, really difficult situation where this is exactly happening to her. Before we hear Lauren’s situation, the first thing I want […]

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Today we’re going to be talking about why your ex responds to your texts immediately. It’s interesting, most of the time when I’m dealing with clients, the number one problem that they have isn’t in the fact that their ex is responding to their text messages, it’s the opposite. Their exes aren’t responding to their […]

The post What It Means When Your Ex Responds So Quickly first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we’re going to be talking about, what your ex means when he says he doesn’t want a relationship. There’s a lot to dive into, but the first step you should always take if you are sitting there and determining whether or not you should be trying to get back with your ex, or trying […]

The post What He Means When He Says He Doesn’t Want A Relationship first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today, we’re going to talk about something that I don’t really cover a lot, but it’s something that I see a lot from my one-on-one coaching clients and a lot in our private Facebook group, and that’s how to handle running into your ex during the no-contact rule. Now, we’re going to hear a question […]

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Today we’re going to be dissecting a question I get a lot and that’s what specific things should you be talking about with your ex when you want them back. Overall I’m going to go through five types of conversations you should be aiming to have with them. Small Talk Telling Stories Sharing Opinions Virgin […]

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Today we’re going to be talking about a situation that one of my podcast listeners, Denise has been struggling with. She has acted completely desperate after her breakup, and she’s a little confused as to how she should approach her situation and what she should do next. And I wanted to feature her particular situation, […]

The post What To Do If You Act Completely Desperate After A Breakup? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Yesterday I was filming a video specifically for one of the new products that I’m created called The Ex Recovery Program. Now, I’m not sitting here to sell you anything, but I was filming this particular program, this particular section in this program and I got inspired. I got so inspired about what I was […]

The post This Is Why You Fail To Get Your Ex Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we are going to be talking about marriage. Specifically how one woman convinced her ex to take her back and eventually propose to her. I talk to to Loan Pham who not only went through the program to get her ex back but she actually just got back from her honeymoon. So, whether you’re […]

The post The Real Life Story Of How One Woman Got Her Ex To Marry Her first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Hello, and welcome to another great episode of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery podcast. Today we’re going to be talking about what to do if your intuition or your gut is telling you that your ex is going to come back. And how maybe, just maybe you shouldn’t ignore that. But I would be remiss if […]

The post If Your Intuition Is Telling You He Will Come Back, Don’t Ignore It first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we’re going to be taking a question from Astrid and she’s wondering what it means when an ex wants to be single and have fun. But before we actually start taking her question, the first thing that I think you should do if you’re listening to this podcast or even watching this podcast on […]

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I figured we would switch gears for this particular podcast episode and answer one of the most asked questions that I get, almost on a daily basis and that is why does my ex view my Snapchat and Instagram stories? So in this particular episode I’m going to answer many different questions. How often do […]

The post What Does It Mean When An Ex Watches My Snapchat And Instagram Stories? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today, we’re going to be talking about sparks. Specifically, when an ex says that they don’t feel a spark with you anymore, do they mean it? And we’re going to be hearing from a woman named Andrea, who obviously had an ex who just said this to her. But what was interesting is the more […]

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Today we’re going to be talking about on-again and off-again relationship advice, specifically, what you should be doing if you find yourself in one of those situations or have ever found yourself in an on-again, off-again relationship. We’re going to hear from a woman named Jennifer who is going through a really difficult time, and […]

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Today we’re going to do something a little bit different. Traditionally this podcast has had two formats. The first format is pretty straight forward, I take listener questions from people going through breakups and give them advice about what they should be doing in their exact situation. And the second format is just straight one […]

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Today, we’re going to hear from a woman named MJ who’s having a really difficult time. She’s having a really difficult time because she just cannot stop thinking about her ex, about the breakup, everything that’s relating to it. It just seems her mind is struggling with thinking about anything else. She can’t concentrate. So […]

The post Listen To This If You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Welcome to another episode of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery podcast. Today, we’re going to be talking about the no contact rule, specifically does the no contact rule work if you’ve been blocked? We’re going to hear from a listener named Diana who has a question about just that. But before we hear her question, I first […]

The post Does No Contact Work If Your Ex Has You Blocked? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Hello and what’s up? Welcome to another episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, where we’re going to talk about your exes.   How to get them back, how to move on from them, or just men in general, and what works to get them to commit to you, so that you can get a lifelong commitment, because […]

The post My Ex Said He Doesn’t See A Future With Me first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Hey, hey, hey, and welcome to another episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, where we’re going to be talking about everything from getting an ex back, to getting over an ex, to just men in general, and how to have the dating life that you deserve.   Today, we’re going to be talking about one of […]

The post My Ex Always Responds But Never Initiates first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Hey, what’s up and welcome to another episode of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Today we’re going to be talking about if your ex has the grass is greener syndrome and won’t commit. So we’re going to be taking a listener question from a woman named Fran, who has one of the more unique situations […]

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Welcome to the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Today we’re going to be talking about the rules for seeing your ex during the no contact rule. Not a lot of people talk a lot about this, so I figured I’d give it some attention because it can be an important tactic that you use during your […]

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Welcome to another episode of the ExBoyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m your host Chris Seiter and today we’re going to be talking about 7 Texts to Send to Your Ex When You Miss Them. And these seven texts are going to be based on real life results. I’ve done a lot of research trying to figure […]

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Today, I’m going to attempt to teach you what your actual chances of getting back together with your ex after a breakup are. This is a question that I personally receive more than anything. There’s always some variation to it, whether it’s, “Hey, what kind of chance do I have of getting my ex back,” […]

The post What Are The Chances Of Getting Back Together After A Breakup? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we’re going to be talking about something that a lot of people ask me about and that is, “What is my ex feeling during a no contact rule.” Now, if you don’t know what a no contact rule is, I have plenty of resources on my website, YouTube channel and podcast describing what that […]

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Today we’re going to be talking about one of the most interesting questions that I get all the time. Can you MAKE an ex fall in love with you? Truthfully this is one of the most interesting philosophical questions that I seem to get all of the time (You’ll see why in just a minute.) […]

The post Is It Possible To Make An Ex Fall In Love With You Again? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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“Do exes always come back?” It’s one of the most popular questions that I get from readers. So, what I’ve decided to do is to actually answer that question in this article right, here right now. At least that’s how it started out but the more I thought about it, the more I thought it […]

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Today we’re going to be talking about what you can do to make your ex chase you. However, before we get started on that the first thing I recommend to all newbies wondering if they have a chance of getting their ex back is to check out our Ex Recovery Chances Quiz. So, here’s everything […]

The post The 3 Best Ways To Make An Ex Chase You first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we’re going to be talking about how to steal your ex from another woman. But before we debate the morality of attempting to steal your ex from “the other woman” I’d like to point you to our “Ex Recovery Chances Quiz.” I want to do this for one singular reason. I don’t want you […]

The post How To Steal Your Ex From The Other Woman first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Hey what’s up Chris Seiter here. And today we’re going to be talking about three of the most important strategies that you need to be employing if you want your ex back. But first, one of the most asked about questions that I get is, Chris do I even have a chance with my ex? […]

The post 3 Things You Absolutely Need To Do If You Want Your Ex Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today I have a really special article/podcast/episode to show you. Most of the visitors who come to Ex Boyfriend Recovery are in a constant state of panic where they are thinking things like, This isn’t going to work… I don’t have a chance… He never wants to talk to me again… He blocked me… Well, […]

The post She Got Her Ex Back After He Blocked Her And Told Her He’d Never Talk To Her Again first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Most of the clients that I work with are at a crossroads where they have to pick between two choices. Should I try to get my ex back Should I just move on Often I find that at the beginning of the process almost everyone picks choice number one. However, as time goes on women […]

The post Should I Get Back Into A Relationship With My Ex? What Are The Red Flags? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I did something I don’t think I’ve ever done before. I asked our Private Facebook Support Group if they wanted to ask me a question for the podcast. I figured it would be fun to take questions from the support group and answer them in a day in an in-depth way, I made it first […]

The post Help! My Ex Is Dating Multiple Women first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today I got asked a really interesting question, Chris, what do I have to do or say to make my ex boyfriend interested in me again? How can I re-create the spark? Now, when you run a website like this as long as I have you tend to see a lot of questions like this […]

The post The Best Way To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Interested In You Again first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Making a long distance ex commit to you is pretty tricky. Mary knows! Today I opened up my Speakpipe page and got a really interesting message from a woman named Mary. Basically she wants to figure out how to get her ex on board for a long distance relationship. You know how these things go. […]

The post How To Make A Long Distance Ex Commit first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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It never ceases to amaze me the things men say during a breakup. Some of them have no problem telling you off with comments like, I never loved you anyways… But perhaps the more interesting case is when you have a man who gives you a contradicting statement. That’s the case with Brittney in today’s […]

The post He Says “I Love You, You’re The One” But Still Breaks Up With Me first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Have you ever been talking to someone and literally thought to yourself, This person is so annoying All you want to do is leave an never talk to that person again. But lets change the script up a little and pretend that you desperately want your ex back but he finds you so annoying that […]

The post My Ex Boyfriend Thinks I’m Annoying first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Lately I’ve noticed a lot of women asking a variation of the same question, Chris what the heck do I do if things seem to be going great when I am texting my ex but then he just stops responding? The truth is that I was actually asked this on a Facebook Live I did […]

The post My Ex Boyfriend Is Unresponsive first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and ultimately determined that I needed to let you in on some of my thinking, specifically the idea of “a confluence of events.” The Confluence Of Events = The series of events that have to occur in order to successfully get your ex back. Of course, before […]

The post The Confluence Of Events (What Are They?) first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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They say a picture is worth a thousand words, right? Well, there is something I would like to show you guys, This is Christina Bautista, one of the kindest human beings I have ever met and she has quite the tale to tell. And about a week ago I had the pleasure of interviewing her […]

The post How To Take Charge Of Your Life After A Breakup (One Woman’s Incredible Story) first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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One of my all time favorite interviews was with Buffy, Yeeouch! Actually, when I refrence the interview with Buffy I am talking about a girl who is widely known in our Facebook Support Group, Sarah Michelle Stevens! You see, Sarah Michelle ended up getting her ex boyfriend back after he told her all sorts of […]

The post What You Should Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Breaks Up With You Again first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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There are a lot of things I am used to when it comes to Ex Boyfriend Recovery. I am used to writing very long, in-depth articles… I am used to interviewing experts on certain theories… Hell, I’m even used to interviewing highly emotional women who have just gone through a breakup. Do you want to […]

The post A Real Interview With An Ex Boyfriend And How It Can Help You! first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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To say Evie Shafner knows her stuff would be an understatement. She’s been in practice for well over 30 years counseling individuals and couples with problems in their relationships and when I was told that she had agreed to come on to my show I was ecstatic. Now, if you don’t know my interviewing process […]

The post Understanding Your Breakup With Imago Therapy first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Gather round, gentle viewers! It’s storytime! I got a really interesting question the other day from a woman whose name I’m not going to even try to pronounce… Jariwah… Jarieewah… Jahrawah? Ugh, I give up. Nevertheless, this awesome lady asked, Can you just tell me what the heck is going on in his head? And […]

The post The Thought Process Of A Man Going Through A Break Up first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Making an ex commit to you is no easy task. This is especially true when they reside themselves to believing that they don’t want anything to do with you. So, how do you make them commit to you, assuming you want them back. Well, that is the question that I am going to be answering […]

The post Making An Ex Commit When He Doesn’t Want To first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Long distance relationships are tough. Long distance relationship breakups are even tougher. And yet despite all that the guest I have on this episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast overcame one of the most difficult situations and got her ex back. I’d like to introduce you to Kris! Side Note: This is the woman […]

The post Learn How She Got Her Long Distance Ex Boyfriend Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Rejection and denial… For most of the women I work with there are no two scarier words than the ones written above. And yet I find that quite a few women end up rejected or denied by their exes. Why? Well, in my experience it is because they overextend themselves. Think of it like this. […]

The post What To Do When You Get Denied Or Rejected By Your Ex first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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How many times have you guys heard me say, Most people who try the no contact rule on their exes end up breaking it… Well, it still holds true to this day. At the start of this year I created a private support group for our ex recovery program members where women, going through breakups, […]

The post How To Make It Through No Contact Period first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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If you have recently gone through a breakup then you are probably no stranger to jealousy. Often, I have found that most breakups contain some aspect of jealousy. But perhaps the most interesting thing out of everything I have seen here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is that most women want nothing more to learn how […]

The post Why Would An Ex Try To Make You Jealous? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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A question that I have been getting a lot lately is, “Chris, what if my ex and I are talking a lot to each other before I start the no contact rule? Isn’t it just rude to cut him off suddenly? What if he gets angry?” It’s really funny because it takes everything I have […]

The post What Do You Do If Your Ex Is Talking To You Before No Contact? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I can’t tell you how often I receive an email like this, “Chris, I am trying your text message strategies out on my ex but I’m only getting “neutral responses” back. How can I keep him engaged while texting me?” That is certainly what Becky thought when she sent me a voicemail. You see, Becky […]

The post How To Keep Him Engaged While Texting first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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One of the most difficult/annoying situations to be in is one where you start seeing some incredible progress with your ex. You have him responding to your text messages. He’s the one reaching out via phone calls. Heck, he even tells you that he still loves you. However, despite all this amazing progress you can’t […]

The post My Ex Boyfriend Won’t Commit To Me first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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One of the really amazing things about our Private Support Group is the fact that women are always talking about different strategies that I don’t really cover in all that much detail here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. Now, one of the most popular strategies on the group right now is “the law of attraction” or […]

The post Getting Your Ex Back With The Law Of Attraction first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Children are (insert adjective)… They tend to make relationships more difficult than they should be. As a result, it can lead to some earth shattering breakups. That is the truth that I think too many of my counterparts are afraid to admit. I mean, I think they are afraid to say, Having a kid makes […]

The post Getting Your Ex Back If You Have A Child Together first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Too often the internet is polluted with bad advice from individuals who have no business giving that advice. I can’t tell you how often one of my clients comes up to me and tells me, “I just bought a product from “guru A” and he said to do this and it totally blew up in […]

The post A Therapist Answers Your Breakup Questions first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I’m sure Mary was shocked when she woke up one day to find her boyfriend had blocked her on Facebook. Out of the blue with no warning whatsoever… I mean, who even does that? One day Mary is walking around thinking everything is fine and the next day she wakes up to find that her […]

The post Here’s How Mary Got Her Ex Boyfriend To Unblock Her (And Eventually Come Back) first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I don’t know why but it seems like so many women out there like to challenge the fact that I recommend that they contact their ex after the no contact rule first. You’d think I would have asked them to sacrifice their first born with all the crazy looks I get. Kelly was certainly in […]

The post She Got Him Back After Contacting HIM First After The No Contact Rule! first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Have you ever had an ex boyfriend say, There is no way that we’ll ever get back together… Ever… Think Taylor Swift but ten times worse and without the dancing! Most women hear that and they are crushed. They literally look out the window and think the apocalypse has happened. But does an ex boyfriend […]

The post He Told Her They’d Never Get Back Together…. He Lied! first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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It’s not often that I say this but this is something that you absolutely need to listen to. Look, I am not one to brag (lie) but when it comes to helping women get their exes back I am pretty darn successful! However, just because I may be one of the best in the world […]

The post Here’s Exactly What To Wear When You See Your Ex Boyfriend first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Lately I have been doing a lot of “Facebook Lives” where I let my private Facebook group ask me anything they want. It’s kind of crazy. In just a span of 30 minutes over 68 questions came in asking me all sorts of things. Don’t believe me? Well, here’s proof, Oh, and in case you […]

The post Breaking Down Your Ex Boyfriends Behavior After The Breakup (Live Coaching Session) first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Jen Glantz is a fascinating woman. On a whim one day she decided to create a “Craigslist ad” to see if anyone would be interested in hiring her as a bridesmaid. She woke up to over 200 emails the next day from desperate brides looking for bridesmaids. That little kernel of an idea soon turned […]

The post What The Professional Bridesmaid Has To Say About Making A Relationship Work first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Brad browning is one of the few “breakup experts” that I can put my stock behind. As sad as this is to admit we live in a world where there are some really sketchy people out there who are trying to take your hard earned money. As a general rule, I say you should never […]

The post Brad Vs. Chris… The Battle Of The Breakup Gods first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Stop me if I sound like a broken record but going through a breakup is the equivalent of going through a cocaine withdrawal. Now, that’s a pretty bold statement but it’s actually true. Studies have proven that the part of the brain that becomes active when you are heartbroken is the same part of the […]

The post Here’s How To Deal With Anxiety In Your Breakup first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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When life doesn’t go according to plan it can be difficult. When things with your ex don’t go according to plan it can be downright painful. -Chris Seiter I have been doing this for a really long time and the one thing that has become clear to me is that even if you have the […]

The post What To Do When Things With Your Ex Don’t Go According To Plan (With Christine Hassler) first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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A lot of people don’t know this but there are different levels of breakups. Some hurt really bad for a while and then eventually we get over them Some hurt less than we are expecting (though I will admit that this is rare) And then you have the “soul crushing breakups.” These are the kind […]

The post How To Survive A Soul Crushing Breakup (With Samantha Burns) first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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One of the things that we never talk about on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is if your values match up with your exes. I learned a long time ago that when you are dealing with someone who is going through a breakup they don’t necessarily care if their ex have the same values as them. They […]

The post Do You Have The Same Values As Your Ex? (With Chase Kosterlitz) first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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To date, Matt Marr may be one of the most interesting guests that I have ever had on the podcast. He describes himself as a, Therapist Host Chatterbox But perhaps the thing that immediately drew me to him is that he has been featured in some GIGANTIC commercials, And acting is just one of this […]

The post A Therapists Take On Breakups (With Matt Marr) first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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It’s not often that I say this but this may actually be one of my favorite episodes that I have ever done. And no, it’s not because I am talking about the no contact rule, AGAIN! Let me give you some background so what I say will make sense. Dr. Glenn Livingston is a superstar […]

The post How To NOT Break The No Contact Rule With Glenn Livingston first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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About a month ago I got a really interesting email from a woman named Jessy, The gist of the email from Jessy said that she broke up with her ex and using Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO she ended up getting him back. Not only that but he proposed and they got married. Now, this actually […]

The post They Broke Up And Now They’re Married… Find Out How first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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One of the worst predicaments that you can find yourself in when it comes to getting an ex boyfriend back is that somewhere down the road you come to the realization that he isn’t the right guy for you. I mean, I can’t tell you how often I have woken up to an email like […]

The post Here’s How You Know If Your Ex Boyfriend Is The Right Man For You (With Marni Battista) first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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The no contact rule is one of those strategies used by all sorts of experts out there in the “ex back” niche. However, I will be the first person to admit that most of the people who recommend it are scammers looking to make a quick buck. It’s sad but true. My general rule of […]

The post Using The No Contact Rule With Brad Browning first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Marina Margulis is pretty much a super star. She is the founder of NY Socials, Which offers a number of personalized matchmaking services, which vary from a range of individual matchmaking packages to our signature Socials memberships or any combination of both. She has been certified as a professional CMM (certified match maker) She makes […]

The post Empowering Women After A Breakup With Marina Margulis first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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When it comes to getting an ex boyfriend back one of the most asked questions that we get is, How do I text him? And if you are pretty familiar with our site you would know that I have put together quite a few guides over the years detailing exactly what to do. Well, I […]

The post EBR 063: When Texting Goes WRONG With Your Ex… first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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It’s not often that I say this but you really need to listen to this podcast episode. Not only because it can help you with your ex but it can help you with pretty much any relationship you find yourself in. Today’s guest is a man by the name of Erik Newton! Now, the interesting […]

The post What It Takes To Make A Relationship Work With An Ex (With Erik Newton) first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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About a year ago I announced on my podcast that I was considering doing coaching. Of course, that coaching was going to be paid. I know… I know… I’m greedy. But that all changed a few months ago when I was sitting with my wife in my office and I asked her one simple question, […]

The post Handling The First Time You Talk To Your Ex After The No Contact Rule (Live Coaching Session) first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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It’s funny, I still remember the days when MySpace was a thing. (If you don’t know what that is don’t worry, I got your back) But then Facebook came along and took over as the social media giant! And as the years ticked by and Facebook became more and more mainstream it started to work […]

The post EBR 062: I Unfriended My Ex Boyfriend On Facebook… What Do I Do? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Have you ever heard of the term, renaissance man, before? Well, a renaissance man is defined as, A person with many talents or areas of knowledge. And that’s who I feel like I have featured on today’s episode of the podcast. Allow me to introduce you to Neil Sattin, A professional dog trainer Singer/songwriter Strategic […]

The post EBR 061: Turning Your Breakup Into A Golden Opportunity first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Have you ever heard of a philosophy called, Dating Yourself? Well, I have to say that after Veronica Grant, a HUGE proponent of the theory explained it’s premise to me I was totally sold on the idea. So, what is “Dating Yourself?” Well, I think it’s best if I allow Veronica’s words to do the […]

The post EBR 060: “Dating Yourself” During No Contact With Veronica Grant first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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One of the things that I am proudest about when it comes to Ex Boyfriend Recovery is the fact that we help so many women out in so many different (and unique) situations. One of those situations is where women are going through breakups with the men they were engaged with. Luckily, this is a […]

The post EBR 059: How To Get Him Back If You Were Engaged… first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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“How can I be reasonable? To me our love was everything and you were my whole life. It is not very pleasant to realize that to you it was only an episode.” W. Somerset Maugham It is said that when one goes through a breakup they go through a withdrawal period. Similar to that of […]

The post EBR 058: Why He Really Broke Up With You… first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I have been doing this for a good four years now and there is one question that I get that always kind of irks me. It’s not that it’s necessarily a bad question or even that it’s the most common situation people find themselves in. However, no matter what this one question seems to get […]

The post EBR 057: Birthdays And The No Contact Rule first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I can’t tell you how many times we get people calling in to inquire about cheating situations. My ex boyfriend cheated on me… what do I do? I cheated on my ex boyfriend… what do I do? It’s pretty common to get these kinds of questions. What isn’t common though is the situation I encountered […]

The post EBR 056: My Ex Boyfriend Cheated On Me Multiple Times… What Do I Do? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Being a parent is tough… Being a single parent is even tougher. Such is the case for the woman who is featured on this episode of “The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast” FYI: The woman who is featured on this episode of the podcast wanted to remain anonymous so whenever you hear me referring to “anonymous” […]

The post EBR 055: Should You Lie To Your Ex Boyfriend On Purpose? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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This has been a hot topic lately. And it’s funny… I have written my fair share of articles on Ex Boyfriend Recovery but I haven’t ever covered something like this. I mean, sure I have written an article on how to handle disapproving friends and family but an exes mom causing a breakup? Well, that’s […]

The post EBR 054: My Exes Mom Made Him Break Up With Me first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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What is a “first contact” text message? Great question! First Contact Text Message: The first text message that you send to your ex boyfriend after you have successfully completed the no contact rule. And it just so happens that the first contact text message is the subject of today’s podcast episode. Check it out, Video […]

The post EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Insecurity… & Ex boyfriends… Who knew that these two things go together so well. In this episode of “The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast” we are going to hear from a woman named Briana whose on and off ex boyfriend broke up with her after asking her a simple question, Did you sleep with anyone else […]

The post EBR 052: Insecure Ex Boyfriends And How To Handle Them first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Something huge is happening. For the first time ever, in addition to recording the audio for a podcast episode for you we are going to be recording these podcast episodes on video and posting them to our YouTube channel. Pretty cool, right? Check it out, Video Of Episode 51 (He Broke Into My House?!?) I’m […]

The post EBR 051: He Broke Into Her House?!? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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What an action packed next few weeks we have in store for you. Not only are we hitting overdrive with our content production (have you noticed how many podcasts I have been doing lately?) but we are going to doing a live webinar soon. I have never done anything like this before but I can’t […]

The post EBR 050: He’s Trying To Make Me Jealous… What Does It Mean? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today’s episode is all about sex. A topic that I have shied away from a lot here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. Though thinking back I don’t know why? You know what they say, Sex sells… Anyways, I don’t know if I have told you my process on how I choose questions to feature on the […]

The post EBR 049: How To Handle Sex With Your Ex Boyfriend first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Man it’s been a long time since I have had a chance to write anything for Ex Boyfriend Recovery. Though this time it actually can’t be chalked up to laziness on my part, You see, if the picture says so then it’s the truth! Actually I have spent the last few weeks moving from here […]

The post EBR 048: My Ex Boyfriend Unfriended Me On Facebook…. What Does It Mean? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we hear from a woman named Elizabeth who finds herself in the situation that we probably have the most experience with here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery, a general breakup. Now, what do you think I mean when I say “general breakups?” Truthfully, it’s a breakup where no other crazy circumstances caused it. There is […]

The post EBR 047: Navigating A General Breakup first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Hey guys! I thought I would do something a little different with this episode of “The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.” Traditionally I have people call in and ask me questions. I then take those questions and answer them for about 20 minutes. But this last week was a little difficult since I was very busy. […]

The post EBR 046: Can You Ever Break The No Contact Rule? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today’s episode features a woman named Morgan who has a bit of a problem with her ex. (More on that in a second.) Before I go into the details of her situation I do want to say that often times I have no idea on whose question I am going to answer for the podcast. […]

The post EBR 045: What To Do When An Ex Boyfriend Becomes Distant first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Alrighty… It’s time for another episode of “The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast!” Awesome, right? By the way… I am sorry it took so long. I guess you can chalk it up to laziness on my part. We have had a lot going on lately and I kind of neglected getting new content out there but […]

The post EBR 044: Lying To An Ex Boyfriend first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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It’s funny… I am currently in the process of writing a massive guide about going on dates with an ex boyfriend when I stumbled across this question from a woman who wants to remain anonymous. Now, there were a few things that drew me to her question. Thing #1: I am trying to make a […]

The post EBR 043: How To Handle The First Date With Your Ex Boyfriend first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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It’s the best day of the week! Super Fantastical New Podcast Episode Day! (Too much?) Ok, I will tone it down for a second and get serious. Today we are going to hear from a woman named Mary who asks a pretty basic question. So, why would I feature a basic question on the podcast? […]

The post EBR 042: When You Should Use The No Contact Rule first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Hey guys guess what time it is? Yup, it’s time for another episode of “The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast!” YAY!!!!! Hold your applause ladies! I know I am awesome but we don’t want me to get a big head and think I am king of the world…. Anyways, in today’s episode we are going to […]

The post EBR 041: What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Doesn’t Respond To You first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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What’s up guys? Man it’s been a long time, hasn’t it? Just the other day my wife was asking me, “Chris, why did you stop doing the podcast?” You see, my wife is now part of the “Ex Recovery Team” and deals exclusively with our YouTube channel. Apparently you guys have taken to commenting on […]

The post EBR 040: He Dumped Me For Another Girl… What Do I Do? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Episode 39… Wow, we are almost to 40 episodes of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. You have to admit that, that is pretty cool. I have helped almost 40 women in very unique situations regarding their ex boyfriends. Well, today is no different as we are going to hear from Lauren a woman who is […]

The post EBR 039: Dealing With An Ex Boyfriend Who Cheats first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Welcome to episode 38 of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Wow, this turned out to be the longest episode in the history of the podcast at just a tad over 40 minutes. Weird, right? A pregnancy episode being the longest one. Well, as it turns out I have a lot of experience in dealing with […]

The post EBR 038: Pregnancy & Ex Boyfriends first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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What’s up and welcome to another episode of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Before I start getting into the build up of this episode I just wanted to take a minute and thank you for being the most incredible fans in the world. For all of you who have commented, emailed, read and bought my […]

The post EBR 037: Your Ex Wants You Back But You Don’t Want To Take Him Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Welcome to the latest episode of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I have quite the episode planned for you. So, rather than bore you with the usual pleasantries lets just get right to it. Today we hear from a woman named Shannon. Shannon has a bit of a situation, Her ex and her broke up […]

The post EBR 036: The Three Stages Of Love With Your Ex first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Welcome to episode 35 of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Today’s episode is unique in the fact that while it does cover how to figure out if an ex boyfriend is stringing you along with false hope it is so much more than that. We hear from “depressed in Atlanta” a woman who is desperately […]

The post EBR 035: Is Your Ex Boyfriend Stringing You Along? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Welcome to Episode 34 of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Wow, 34 episodes. I am super proud that we have reached this point in the pod-cast’s lifespan. Recently I have decided to kind of get away from the one episode per day format and go to a one episode per week format. My theory is […]

The post EBR 034: Are YOU The Rebound For Your Ex Boyfriend? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Over the past few days I have received some interesting voice mails from a woman asking questions about her ex. What is unique about these voice mails? Good question. It’s the fact that she sent me so many of them. Now, normally this kind of thing would get on my nerves but something about this […]

The post EBR 033: Rapid Fire Ex Boyfriend Questions first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Working with an ex boyfriend is always a tricky situation to be caught in. Today we hear from a woman who is in that exact situation. She doesn’t exactly have a name though. Well, she probably does but she didn’t give it to me. Instead, she gave me a handle to call her by. What’s […]

The post EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I can show you the world. Shining… Shimmering… Splendid… Today we hear from an Egyptian Princess. Jasmin from Aladdin! Wow, Jasmine looks super mad. Ok, all kidding aside today I am going to be answering a question from “The Egyptian Princess,” a woman who wonders if her mistakes after the breakup have ruined her chance […]

The post EBR 031: The Seven Deadly Sins Women Commit After A Breakup first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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What’s up! Welcome to episode 30 of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I know it has been a while but I have been so busy lately that I haven’t had a chance to really buckle down and record the episodes that need recording. Luckily that is changing this week as I am getting back into […]

The post EBR 030: What To Do If You Sleep With Your Ex Boyfriend first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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What’s up Ex Boyfriend Recovery nation? In episode 29 (this episode) we are going to be talking to Brandiwine, a woman who is wondering how she can get her ex back if he is angry with her. Check it out, Like always, here is a quick recap of the situation Brandiwine is facing, Brandiwine’s Situation […]

The post EBR 029: How To Deal With An Angry Ex Boyfriend first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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What’s up? Welcome to episode 28 of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Today we hear from Marie who has a very interesting job. She’s an exotic dancer. As you may have guessed her ex boyfriend isn’t so thrilled about this. In fact, it may have been the entire reason that they broke up. Here is […]

The post EBR 028: Your Ex Boyfriends Insecurity first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Is it even possible to get an ex boyfriend back if you live with him? Well, that is the question we are going to explore today in episode 27 of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. We hear from Ashley. A woman who is desperate to win her ex back. Here is a quick recap of […]

The post EBR 027: What To Do If You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Have you ever thought to yourself, “There is no way I can ever get him back…” Well, if you have then this episode is for you! Today we hear from “Ex Bodybuilders Girlfriend” whose ex boyfriend (as I am sure you guessed) is a body builder. I myself am a bit of a bodybuilder… Ok, […]

The post EBR 026: How To Get Your Ex Back If It Seems Impossible first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Amanda is asking our question today and it’s a great one! She wonders how she can transition from building attraction through texting and phone calls to building attraction on a date. Put simply, she wants her ex boyfriend to ask her out on a date. Lets find out how she can accomplish that, I must […]

The post EBR 025: How To Get A Date With Your Ex Boyfriend first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Social media has taken over the dating world! In today’s episode we discuss exactly what you have to do if you want to increase the chances of getting your ex boyfriend back through social media. We hear from Ash, a woman who is curious as to what is going on with her ex boyfriend (who […]

The post EBR 024: Using Social Media To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Well, we started the week with a success story (episode 19) and we are going to end the week with a success story. Hey, this has been one heck of a week for women getting back with their exes! In this episode we hear from “Successful But Concerned” a woman who wonders how she can […]

The post EBR 023: How To Keep Your Boyfriend Intrigued first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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If you were ever wondering about how to text your ex boyfriend after a breakup then you came to the right place. Today we hear from Lauren (not the same Lauren that was in episode 21.) Lauren is wondering how she should text her ex boyfriend after the no contact rule. Let’s find out! (Disclaimer- […]

The post EBR 022- How To Text Your Ex Boyfriend first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we hear from Lauren. Lauren is a woman who has been with her ex boyfriend for quite some time. 6 and a half years to be exact. She has pretty much followed all the basic “get your ex back” rules after the breakup perfectly and seems to be covering some serious ground with regards […]

The post EBR 021- How To Make Him Re-Commit To You first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Most of the stories out there you hear about cheating revolve around men cheating on women but did you know that in many cases just as many women cheat on men as men cheat on women. This holds true to our guest today, Brianna. Brianna cheated on her boyfriend and in this episode I help […]

The post EBR 020- How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back If YOU Cheated first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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We last heard from Shannon in episode 11 of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. If you don’t remember that episode then all you have to do is think back to the episode with my obsession of House of Cards! Ya… I am a bit weird like that. Well, turns out the my words in episode […]

The post EBR 019- Here’s How She Got Her Ex Boyfriend Back first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Maggie made a boo boo… She hooked up with her ex boyfriend before he committed to her… I know… I know… Luckily for her the Ex Boyfriend Recovery family is happy to take her situation on and since I am the patriarch of this family I guess it’s up to me to take that task […]

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I haven’t really had a podcast episode focusing solely on the no contact rule yet have I? Ah, what the heck lets create one. In today’s episode we hear from Christina (hey, that’s my wife’s middle name) a woman who, Broke up with her ex boyfriend 3 weeks ago. Today is the first day of […]

The post EBR 017: The Importance Of The No Contact Rule first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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I did something completely different with this episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Today’s question is from a woman named Carol who openly wonders if she should take her ex boyfriend back. So, rather than follow the traditional format of the show in which I allow visitors to call in, ask a question and […]

The post EBR 016: Should You Take Your Ex Boyfriend Back? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today we hear from Leslie a strong minded southern woman! (Leslie if you are reading this then I am sorry but I totally had to say it I love your southern accent.) Anyways, Leslie has recently gotten out of a long distance relationship and is wondering what to do if her ex boyfriend has gotten […]

The post EBR 015: How To Get A Long Distance Boyfriend Back If He Has A New Girlfriend first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Having the ability to convince a man to do something is one of the most powerful abilities that a woman can obtain. Well, that is what we are going to be teaching Jess today. Specifically we are going to be showing her how to convince her ex boyfriend to get back with her. Listen below, […]

The post EBR 014: How To Convince An Ex Boyfriend To Be With You first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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What are you supposed to do if you are trying to get an ex boyfriend back who is recently divorced? Let’s find out! In this episode we here from Vicki who is trying to get her ex boyfriend back who was married for 20 years and just got out of a divorce. She is wondering […]

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Today we hear from Christina, a woman who really has two questions.

1. How to approach her no contact period.
2. How to get out of the friend zone (if she is there.)

While Christina did ask me more questions about the no contact rule I decided to make the focus of this episode around the friend zone or what to do if your ex boyfriend places you in the friend zone and looking at if that means they don’t care about you romantically anymore.

So, here are a few of the things that I talk about in this episode,

Things Discussed In This Episode * My personal experience with the “friend zone” * Albert Einstein and Insanity * The importance of the no contact rule * What NC does with the emotional support your ex may be seeking * How to reverse friend zone your ex * Sending mixed signals * The girl who gets the guy has to be willing to lose the guy

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode * Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO * Send Me A Voicemail * Reviewing Me On iTunes

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz

How To Get Out Of The “Friend Zone” With An Ex Boyfriend

The No Contact Rule

In this episode I discuss why the no contact rule is so effective in a “friend zone” situation.

To recap, it cuts off the emotional support he is expecting from you and raises your value in his eyes.

Trust me!

Friend Zone Him

Ah the good ole reverse psychology tactic.

Essentially you want to treat your ex boyfriend like a gay best friend. I gave a pretty good example of how to do this in the episode above.

Give Him Mixed Signals

Be into him one moment and then repulsed by him the next.

Be hot and cold…

Just mess with his brain as much as you can.

Be Willing To Walk Away

Sometimes the girl who is willing to walk away holds all the power.

Be that girl!

Podcast Transcript Welcome to Episode 12 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Just a little side note before we get started, if you haven’t already gone to the iTunes page for the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast and left a review and subscribed, please do so.

We really need those reviews to keep this podcast thriving and surviving. Please do that if you haven’t already. It would mean so much to me and the brand. I know it seems like I’m making a big deal out of that, but that’s because it is a big deal. We need those reviews to survive and keep going.

Let’s get down to business. Today we’re going to hear from Christina, a woman who is afraid that she’s putting herself in the friend zone with her ex-boyfriend. Let’s hear from Christina:

“Hi, Chris. Your articles and ebook are so eye opening. I’ve been taking in everything you’ve said. However, I do have a concern about the no contact rule. My boyfriend of a year and four months broke up with me about three weeks ago. At this point, I’ve come to terms with it and have been actively taking steps to improve my own wellbeing. I do miss him though.

He’s a total catch. He’s honestly a great guy. My concern is that I broke the no contact rule a week and a half into the breakup. We talk frequently, not 24/7. It’s not all the time, but enough. We’re on “good terms.” But I’m afraid I’m putting myself in the friend zone. I’m also well aware that we’re not on the same page about this. I know he thinks we are. How do I restart the no contact rule at this point?

I can’t help but think that if I suddenly just start ignoring him, he’d see it as me being a drama queen. I’m definitely not one for creating drama. I steer away from it at all costs. I don’t want to give him a reason to think that I’m trying to manipulate him or that I’m cold-shouldering him because I’m angry. Wouldn’t that push him away? Is there any way to restart the no contact rule at this point? Thanks so much.”

Thank you for messaging me and leaving a voicemail, Christina. I really appreciate it. When I listened to your situation, there are two main points that you brought up that I want to cover today. Number one has to do with the no contact rule. Number two has to do with friend zoning.

I think the bigger issue here is the friend zoning fear that you brought up. You fear that your ex is going to place you in the friend zone with the way things are going right now. I would like to make this episode specifically about how to get out of the friend zone if you find yourself in it. I’m going to tailor it towards your situation and give you an idea of what you need to be doing to go forward. We’ll get to your questions about the no contact rule in a second.

First, let’s talk about the friend zone. What is it? How do you define the friend zone? The way I define it is that there are two people in some type of relationship. Most likely, they’re friends. One person has feelings for the other person. The other person does not reciprocate those feelings back. What you have here is a friendship where one person has severe strong feelings for the other person. The other person doesn’t like the person with the feelings.

Let’s put you and your ex-boyfriend in these roles. You’re obviously the one with the feelings. He’s the one who could potentially be friend zoning you. It puts you in a position where you really don’t have a great shot of getting him back. To be honest, being in the friend zone is probably one of the worst positions you can find yourself in if you’re going to launch a “get your ex back” campaign.

What do I mean by that? I would liken it to trying to get an ex-boyfriend back if you cheated on him. It’s that hard to overcome. Why do I say that? I have been on both sides of the equation when it comes to the friend zone. I have friend zoned women before and I have been friend zoned before. What I’d like to do for you, Christina, and the listeners is talk about what goes on in a man’s mind when he friend zones a girl. I have been there. I have done it before.

You’re going to get an interesting story about me in college. I’m sure I’ve friend zoned more than one woman but there’s only one particular woman that comes to mind when I think about the friend zone. I met that woman in college around my second year. She had a pretty massive crush on me from the get-go.

I remember the first day when we exchanged numbers with each other, she was hitting on me very hard. She hit on me a lot. She kept saying, “You’re so good looking.” She rolled that out. I remember reading her text and thinking, “Wow, that was forward.” I’d never had a girl come on to me that fast. Some men may like that, but I didn’t like it.

To me, it painted her in a desperate light. I didn’t like it. It made her seem desperate to me. I don’t want desperate women. I want women who are high quality, women that I know will pique my interest. Some girl who’s desperate right at the beginning and doesn’t make me work for it lowers her value. This all happened on a subconscious level.

It’s not like I read the text and said, “She’s desperate. She’s not high value to me.” I did think that she was desperate. I didn’t really think logically in the front of my brain, “She’s of lower value.” That happened subconsciously. Another thing that she did that really turned me off to her as a potential romantic partner was the fact that she did have a boyfriend.

She was not serious about the boyfriend. She told me multiple times. For those of you who have listened to this podcast and have come to understand the values that I have, I hold loyal-ness and trustworthiness to a very high standard. She flat out told me that she would break up with her boyfriend to come to me. She would cheat on her boyfriend if I was willing to cheat. That was very forward. It turned me off completely.

In fact, it painted her in a slutty light. I couldn’t help but think, “If I were to date this person, would she do the same thing to me?” That’s what I was thinking when she was making her pitch to get me to go with her. I ended up friend zoning her. I’m a nice person. I didn’t want to have a blow out with her and say, “Look, I’m not interested in you. Don’t talk to me again.”

I kind of strung her along in the friend zone. I didn’t give her any indication that I was ever interested. She was just there. She was in the friend zone. I had no feelings for her whatsoever. She was more of an annoyance to me than anything. For her perspective, it was an unfortunate thing. She had a lot of feelings for me. She kept coming on to me. This didn’t just last a few months. This lasted over the course of years.

There would be a few months here and there where we would fall out of touch. But then she would always message me. She would always tell me about her relationship problems, try to appeal to my ego and say, “I wish I could find a guy like you,” alluding to, “I want you.” I never really had feelings for her. She was stuck in the friend zone.

I would never even consider dating her. I would never even consider kissing her. She tried to kiss me at one point. It did not work. I did not have any of it. I did not want to be associated romantically with her at all. I didn’t want to be mean to her. I don’t like being mean to people. At a certain point, I think I was a little bit mean. I was so discouraging towards her.

I don’t know if this is going to help you, Christina or anyone listening. This is what the friend zone is. The man who puts you in the friend zone has no feelings for you. That’s a little discouraging to hear, especially if you’re trying to get your ex back. Here’s the thing. The example I gave of the girl who had a crush on me, I did not date her. I did not kiss her. I didn’t hug her. I didn’t hold her hand. There was no physical contact whatsoever.

What we’re dealing with when you’re trying to get your ex back is the fact that, if your ex friend zones you, you already have history to fall back upon. You can think, “He did date me. He did go out of his way and lock me down.” It’s not impossible to get out of the friend zone in that particular situation. I think it is almost impossible to get out of the friend zone in any other situation.

If you are in the friend zone and you don’t have a romantic history with a person, that means that they’ve already classified you as someone that they don’t ever want to be in a romantic relationship with. Often times, if someone in that position does get out of the friend zone and starts dating that person, it doesn’t work out in the end.

I can’t tell you how many stories I run across from women saying, “We were friends for eight years. Then we dated for a year. Now we’re broken up.” That’s a common thing. It doesn’t really work out. It’s not some sort of fairytale romance. This is going to sound arrogant and conceited. I would describe my relationship with my wife as a fairytale relationship.

When you look at the beginning of a relationship, it’s what you’re shooting for. Both people weren’t super great friends before the relationship. They just fell head over heels for each other really fast. I think that kind of relationship has a higher success rate than, we were friends for 10 years, then we worked things out and we dated. Those are my thoughts on the friend zone.

Let’s turn our attention to Christina’s situation and the no contact rule. Christina mentioned that she’s a little afraid of restarting the no contact rule on her ex-boyfriend because she doesn’t want to come off as being rude, giving him the cold shoulder or starting drama. Christina, I’m very proud of the fact that you don’t like to start drama. I can’t stand people who start drama.

I’d like to read a quote from Albert Einstein. He says, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result every single time.” I understand your fear completely, Christina. It’s a fear that I thought more women would have. What you’re doing right now to get your ex-boyfriend back clearly isn’t working.

It’s almost like you’re in the friend zone right now. If you keep talking to him, messaging him and meeting his emotional needs, you expect him to all of a sudden wake up one day and say, “I made a mistake. I’m going to take her back. She’s always been there for me. She’s the girl for me. I love her. I’m going to take her back.” That’s not going to happen doing what you’re doing.

If you keep doing what you’re doing and expecting a different result, it is literally insane. You need to do something to change things drastically. Who cares if he think you’re starting drama? Who cares if he thinks you’re giving him the cold shoulder? Good. Maybe he can find some other girl and friend zone her. You’re not going to get him back if you are friend zoned.

You have to work yourself out of that position. You can’t be looked at as a friend. You need to be looked at as a potential love interest. I say, rather than sit there and worry about his feelings, just do the no contact rule. Who cares if it ruffles his feathers? You’re doing this for you. Already, your chances of getting him back aren’t good.

The odds are stacked against you when trying to get an ex-boyfriend back. That’s the nature of the beast. All I’m trying to do is improve your chances. Who cares if he gets upset? You have two options, in my opinion. Number one, keep doing what you’re doing. Option two, do the no contact rule and do something about it.

Here is the nifty thing that no contact does when you’re looking at a friend zone situation. What happens when you’ve been friend zoned? When I’ve been friend zoned in my life, it’s always the girls coming to me to get their emotional needs met, and that’s it. I think I’m a professional friend zone with Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. That’s all I do. I meet their emotional needs, and that’s it.

When a guy friend zones you, he may expect you to meet his emotional needs. He might expect you to listen to his problems and become that one friend he can always count on. He’ll take that for granted. He’s getting more from the relationship than you. It’s not like you’re getting the physical benefits. It’s not like you’re getting your emotional needs met. He’s using you for his own emotional needs. Don’t be used.

The no contact rule is great at flipping the situation around. When he comes to you looking for his emotional needs to get met and you’re not there, he doesn’t know what to do. He realizes how important you were. It raises your value in his eyes. That is only possible if you ignore him through the no contact rule.

Of course, you can’t expect to get out of the friend zone and get your ex-boyfriend back just by using the no contact rule. It’s a common mistake that I see so many women make. They come to my website. They read about the no contact rule. They do the no contact rule. Then they don’t have their ex back. They’re blaming me because I led them astray somewhere. They didn’t read the entire process. Fifty percent of it is doing the no contact rule. The other 50% is what you do after the no contact rule.

What I would like to talk about for you, Christina, is what you should be doing after the no contact rule to get out of the friend zone or have your ex-boyfriend look at you in a different light, as a potential romantic partner. First, if you’re doing the no contact rule, you’re going to cut off the emotional support system that he has with you. That’s what you want.

You want him to feel helpless. You almost want him to look elsewhere to meet his emotional support needs. Let him friend zone some other girl. You don’t want to be the girl he friend zones. Let him friend zone some poor other girl. It’s a common fear women have that, “If I use the no contact rule, he’ll find someone else. He’ll go to someone else for his emotional support.”

So what? With my tactics, you’ll become more impressive than this other girl he finds, and he’ll probably friend zone this other girl, too. Do you just want to stay in the friend zone? That makes no sense to me.

The no contact rule is important here. It comes into play because it cuts off his emotional support system with you. What you do after the no contact rule is just as important. After you get done with the no contact rule, I want you to friend zone him. Reverse psychology here. Treat him like the gay best friend you never had.

I’m not an expert on gays but I know about the stereotypical gay best friend and what they’re there for. They’re there to support their woman friend with dating advice. The girl can come to the gay friend to get her emotional needs met. She is basically friend zoning the gay friend, not that the gay friend would want to be romantically involved with a woman.

Maybe you could talk to your ex-boyfriend about guys that you’re thinking about dating. Here is a common example. Let’s say that you’re moving into a new apartment. You message your ex and say, “Hey, could you do me a favor?” He responds, “Sure, what’s the favor?” You say, “Could you help me move my things into the new apartment?” Treat him like that. Treat him like a gay friend. Go to him for your needs. Friend zone him and don’t give him any physical benefits.

Also, send him mixed signals. Be hot and cold with him. One minute, act like you’re into him. The next minute, act like he repulses you. Do this constantly. It will confuse the hell out of him. It will work like a charm. It’s classic reverse psychology. You’re doing to him what he’s doing to you. It will force him into your position.

Look at you right now, Christina. You want your ex-boyfriend back. You mentioned that you think he’s a catch. To me, it doesn’t seem like he’s saying the same things about you. If you do a role reversal with him and put him in your role, ironically, he’ll start thinking that you’re the catch. He’ll start chasing you, which is exactly what you want to happen.

After sending mixed signals, being hot and cold, being into him one minute and out the next, the last thing that I want you to do is be willing to walk away. Understand that your chances, if you’re being friend zoned, aren’t as great as another general woman trying to get her ex back. Sometimes the best thing you can do to get your ex back is to walk away.

Maybe a half-year down the road, he’ll contact you out of the blue and come on to you. Then it develops. By then, you may have moved on. Who knows? Maybe you haven’t. Sometimes the woman who is willing to walk away holds the greatest power over her ex.

I always say, in order to get the guy, you have to be willing to lose the guy. Be willing to walk away if this doesn’t work out. Don’t put your entire life on hold for him. We are here for you, Christina.

In the show notes, I’m going to create this game plan of what you should do to work yourself out of the friend zone. I hope I answered your question about the no contact rule and how you should just do it. I used the Albert Einstein quote when I was explaining that to you.

I also want to say thank you for purchasing my book. I noticed you mentioned in your message that you purchased Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. I really appreciate that. For those of you listening, if you have not picked up Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro and you want a step-by-step guide for how to get your ex-boyfriend, ex-husband or ex-lover back, this is the guide for you.

I’m not just peddling my own product here. It is probably one of the best get your ex back guides out there today. You can go to the page. I’ll link to it in the show notes of Episode 12. I hope you enjoyed this episode. I had a lot of fun recording this episode. I hope you had as much fun as I did listening to it. I’ll see you tomorrow, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Nation. Thank you for listening.

Again, if you haven’t reviewed or subscribed to the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, please do so on the iTunes page. I’ll link to that in the show notes. If you want to leave a voicemail for me, simply go to the contact page on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/contact.

I’ll also put information in the show notes of this episode for how to get in touch with me or leave a voicemail and potentially get your question answered. I had a great time, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Nation. I will see you tomorrow.

The post EBR 012: How To Get Out Of The "Friend Zone" With Your Ex Boyfriend first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Resistance if futile!

In this episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast we explore exactly what you have to do to overcome your exes resistance when it comes to getting back together with you.

Our question today is from Shannon a 19 year old woman who is desperately wondering what she can do to get back with her ex boyfriend who is in the army.

Here is a quick recap of her situation,

• He told her he wanted to be with her and then stood her up on a date.
• She obviously got mad about being stood up and the two of them got into a massive argument.
• A breakup occurred.
• They haven’t talked in a month.
• Her ex is in the Army and is about to be deployed and she wonders how she can overcome his resistance to get him back.

Now, in this episode I strayed from the normal episode format.

Avid listeners of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast know that the way the episodes usually work is I go over general knowledge of how to get your ex back first and then I dive right into the game plan for the specific question that was asked.

Well, with this episode I dived right in to the game plan portion.

Things Talked About In This Episode * Fighting * What separates the good couples from the great ones * Age and inexperience (19 – 21 years old) * Being his top priority * House of Cards Season 3 * Capturing his interest and keeping it

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode * EBR 010- How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back If He Has A New Girlfriend * Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO

The Game Plan For How To Overcome Your Exes Resistance The game plan for this episode revolves around my fascination with House of Cards or more particularly how I prioritized it above everything on February 27th.

If you can become your ex boyfriends top priority over everything else in his life then you hold not only the key to getting him back but you hold the key to a long lasting relationship.

So, the game plan for overcoming any mans Resistance is the same.

Become a mans top priority,

Make Him Experience Positive Emotions

This is ideal for women who are great at texting and talking on the phone. Make him associate the positive emotions he gets with you. If you do that then you will have take a big step forward towards getting him back.

Be Interesting

One of the reasons that I enjoy house of cards is because it is interesting to me. It fascinates me and I really think in order for a man to be fascinated with a woman he has to find her interesting. She has to have interesting things to say and she has to have an interesting life.

Higher Self Esteem (UG)

The Ungettable Girl…

Need I say more?

A Newness Factor

Men do like new things..

Understand this and make it work to your advantage with the next step of the game plan.

Making Him Wait

A period of NC is ideal for creating a newness factor and creating the right amount of tension that will make him want to see you even more.

Watch House of Cards

I just put this in here for fun.

But seriously you should watch it!

Podcast Transcript Welcome to Episode 11 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m really excited to have you here today. We’re going to hear from a woman named Shannon. She’s going to ask a question about her boyfriend who is in the Army.

I was kind of split to make this episode about ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands in the Army and how to get them back. I decided to make it about resistance instead, and the resistance you face when trying to get an ex-boyfriend back.

Those of you who are avid listeners to the show may know that, in Episode 10, I promised that I would be back the very next day for Episode 11. It’s been three days since Episode 10 has been released. I hadn’t released anything in that time frame. That’s the longest I’ve gone without releasing something.

There’s a reason for that. The new season of House of Cards, Season 3 on Netflix just came out. I literally binge-watched it. It took pretty much everything out of me. I watched it all in one day. I went crazy with it. I loved every moment of it. That’s why I wasn’t recording. Feel free to yell at me. That’s my excuse for not recording Episode 11 until Monday, March 2nd.

Let’s get down to the nitty gritty and hear from Shannon:

“Hi, Chris.” My name is Shannon. I’m 19 years old. My ex-boyfriend is in the Army. I think there is some sort of resistance with him wanting to be with me because, a month ago, he told me that he wanted to be with me, he missed me and he wanted to see me. When the weekend came to see me, he didn’t make the effort to see me.

Then I got mad, which resulted in a fight. We haven’t spoken for a month. Part of that reason is because he is in training and he can’t have his cell phone. I think what is scaring him most is that he is going to get deployed. I don’t know if he doesn’t want to be tied down while he is home for these next few months.

He’s being deployed in July. I don’t know. How can I get past his resistance of not wanting to be with me because he’s going to get deployed? I’ve told him many times before that I’m going to be loyal. I’ll be faithful to him. Thank you.”

Thanks, Shannon, for calling in. I’m really glad that you called in. I know that you’ve been bugging me for a little bit about trying to get this episode up and running. I’m really sorry that I wasn’t able to get it out live faster. I’m really focused on helping you out and hopefully getting your ex back.

This episode is going to be a little bit different than the ones that you’re used to. Instead, I’m going to go right into the game plan for Shannon. Don’t worry if you were looking forward to general information that you can apply to your ex. What I’m about to talk to you about here is something that you can apply to your ex in any situation you can think of.

What I’m going to talk about is overcoming resistance. When we look at Shannon’s situation as a whole, she’s 19 years old. She didn’t tell us how old her ex was. I’m assuming he’s within that same age range. He’s probably 19, 20 or 21. One month ago, he said that he wanted to be with her. They set up some kind of date and he essentially stood her up. He did not show up. She got angry. A fight started.

After the fight, they haven’t spoken for a month. Technically, it’s almost like an enforced no contact rule that Shannon has put in place. I think it’s due to her and her ex’s stubbornness. It’s like they’re in the middle of a standoff, waiting to see who is going to contact who first. Whoever contacts the other person first loses the standoff. Even though it’s a dumb way to approach it, I’ll talk about that in a second.

He hasn’t spoken to her in a month. She thinks it’s because of the cell phone. I’m not sure I entirely buy that. It’s probably been a little bit later than a month. Honestly, I think he’s waiting for her to contact him first. He’s scared. Her boyfriend who is in the Army is going to get deployed. I imagine at 19, 20 or 21, he’s very frightened of that. He has every right to be frightened.

Shannon also noted that her ex-boyfriend might be a little afraid to get tied down because of this reason. He’s back home now but he’s about to get deployed. She’s assuming that he’s resisting her because he doesn’t want anything that’s going to tie him down back in the States when he goes overseas and puts himself in harm’s way. Then it will hurt him emotionally. It will hurt the person emotionally who is waiting for him back home. That’s what Shannon is assuming. We’re going to talk a little bit about that.

The first thing I want to talk about is fighting. At that age, young people take fights very personally. They should. They’re still learning how relationships work. Fights are very harmful to your emotional being. Where inexperience comes in here is that they don’t know how to handle after the fight. They hold grudges. They don’t understand that people have disagreements. You’re not going to agree on every single thing as a couple. You’re going to get in fights. What really separates the good couples from the great couples is the ability to handle these fights.

You need to communicate. You need to say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t really mean what I said when I said that mean thing to you. It really hurts me that we got into this fight. I just want to move past this.” Say that to your partner. Your partner needs to believe it. Most importantly, both partners need to do this rather than holding a grudge.

Clearly, Shannon and her ex-boyfriend got into a fight, and that’s what caused their breakup. That’s a very common thing that happens. Fights cause breakups. That’s common knowledge. Where I think Shannon went wrong is not even her fault. Her ex-boyfriend and she are young. She’s 19. He’s probably around the same age. They just haven’t had enough experience perhaps to handle after the fights.

Understand that this was not a personal thing. This was just a heat-of-the-moment thing. Let’s just drop it. Let’s move on. Let’s not fight over the same thing again. Let’s not rehash arguments. The ability to push that aside comes with experience, in my opinion.

When I was 19, 20 and 21, anytime I got into a disagreement with anyone, it was a personal thing. I thought they were attacking me personally. I would turn into an attack dog and attack them back. I would say hurtful things to them. I can remember my brother and me getting into fights. I can remember my father and me getting into fights and my mother and me getting into fights. I got into fights with my significant other at 19. It was a bad habit to fall into.

As I gained more experience dealing with not just relationships but people in general, I understood and learned that people say things in the heat of the moment. You can’t hold it against them. You’re going to say things in the heat of the moment. You can’t hold it against yourself. The other person can’t hold it against you. You need to take what happened and move on. Keep building on that relationship.

A few episodes ago, I talked about how to look at a relationship. You need to look at a relationship as a bank account. You need to be putting positive experiences into that bank account. Every time you have a fight, you take positive experiences away from the bank account. If you’re having negative fights over and over, the bank account balance is going to go into the negative. You do not want that. That’s when breakups occur.

Shannon, if you do get back with your ex-boyfriend, work on this. Work on the fighting ability. Work on not holding this grudge with each other. I don’t just want you to get your ex back. I want you to get him back and keep him. That’s what we’re all about here at Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. We’re not just about getting an ex back. We’re about sustaining that long-term relationship and creating a bond that could potentially last a lifetime.

Now let’s turn our attention to what we’re really here to talk about. That is overcoming resistance. What I’m about to tell you is not super complicated. I’m going to tell you how to overcome resistance. You’re going to roll your eyes and say, “That’s easy.” But when it comes down to actually doing it, it’s not easy.

When it comes to overcoming resistance, you’re looking at things like becoming the un-gettable girl, doing the no contact rule and all of the basic things that I teach on the site. What I don’t make a big enough deal about on the site that I’m going to make a huge deal about here is positioning yourself where you are your ex’s top priority.

What does that look like? At the beginning of this episode, I told you, “I promised in Episode 10 that I was going to come back the very next day and post Episode 11.” That didn’t happen. Why? Because it was not my top priority. Do you remember what my top priority was? It was House of Cards. I was looking forward to House of Cards for an entire year.

I remember back in May of last year watching Season 2 and being obsessed with it. I couldn’t wait for the next season to come out. When it did come out on February 27th, I became obsessed. I dropped everything and binge-watched the whole thing. It took me 13 hours, one day, not even a break. It was one episode after the other. This show was my top priority.

I really had to do work. When I came back to work today, I had 300 comments from Ex-Boyfriend Recovery alone. I had hundreds of emails. I have another site called Ex-Girlfriend Recovery that had over 80 comments. That’s about 500 comments right there. There were 500 people asking me questions because I took that one day off to watch House of Cards. For once, these websites that I’m working on weren’t my top priority. It shifted to House of Cards.

You need to become your ex-boyfriend’s House of Cards, Shannon. If you are his House of Cards, you will be his top priority. He will call you. He will become obsessed with you. That’s the way it works.

You’re sitting there wondering, “How do I become his top priority?” There are a number of ways to do it. When you look at House of Cards, what’s the thing that made me so interested in it? There are a number of things that you can look at. It makes me feel positive emotions inside. I associate positive emotions with it.

When it was coming on, I couldn’t wait. I was excited because I knew that it was a quality show. I knew that I was invested in the characters. I knew that I absolutely love how Frank Underwood acts. Season 3, towards the end, not so much. I didn’t like how he acted.

But, coming into Season 3 and that day where I knew House of Cards was coming out, I couldn’t wait. I couldn’t wait to see what happened next. It was an incredible story. It’s as simple as that. It made me feel positive emotions. It made me feel something inside. I value that. I value the feelings I get when I watch that show.

You really need to do that with your ex-boyfriend. You need to bring out positive emotions within him. Positive emotions within him will cause him to value you higher.

Let’s look at what House of Cards made me feel to make it my top priority. It’s interesting. It fascinates me. It’s a very interesting narrative on Washington today. I like things that make me think. I like things that make me smarter. I feel that watching the show made me smarter. That’s a weird thing to say because it’s a fictional show. It kind of gives you an idea of how Washington, DC works and how politics works. You have to give something up to get something. It’s interesting to me. It fascinates me.

You need to do that with your ex-boyfriend. You need to interest him. You need to fascinate him. You need to become the un-gettable girl for him. I’ll link to an article about the un-gettable girl in the show notes of Episode 11 here. You can’t just be the un-gettable girl. You need to have interesting things to say. You need to have interesting stories to tell.

You really have to think hard about these interesting things that you tell your ex-boyfriend. It’s such a small window of time that you have to get him back. You need to make the most of that time. Prepare interesting stories ahead of time for your ex. Prepare interesting things to say ahead of time for your ex when you’re going to contact him, Shannon. That’s really important. You need to become his top priority. Being interesting is essential to being that top priority.

I will not lie. Another reason that I was interested in House of Cards is that it was a new season. There was a newness factor to it. When you’re dealing with your ex-boyfriend, you’re obviously not going to be a new girlfriend. You’re not going to have the excitement that a new girlfriend has. But you can make this work to your advantage with what I’m about to tell you next.

When I was watching House of Cards, the thing that really ramped up the most tension was the fact that I had to wait so long for it to come out. It took a year before it came out. After I finished Season 3, all I could think was, “Man, I have to wait another entire year.” I was depressed for a while. I remember my wife came home. She kept saying, “What’s wrong? You look so sad?” I told her, “I have to wait a whole year for a new season to come out. I don’t want to wait a year. I want it now.” The idea of waiting comes into play here. That’s where the no contact rule is essential. You can create that tension.

You create the tension beforehand with the no contact rule. You work to bring out positive emotions within your ex. You work to become the most interesting thing that your ex-boyfriend has ever experienced in the world. That is how you become his top priority, Shannon. That’s what you need to do. He’ll contact you if you do that. He’ll become obsessed with you if you do that. If you become your ex-boyfriend’s top priority, he will want you back. He will ask for you to be his girlfriend again.

If you are his top priority, it’s as simple as that. I remember back when I was dating my wife. She was top priority number one all the time. If she called and had a problem, I would drop everything. It’s still that way. If she calls and has a problem, I will drop everything and come to her aid. It’s as simple as that. Even if I’m doing something very important, I will drop everything and come to her aid.

The best example is when I’m on the phone talking to my dad. I used to live with my parents a few years ago, and then I moved in with my wife. I didn’t just move in with my wife. I had to move across the country from Texas to Pennsylvania to move in with my wife. We have an apartment together and it’s great. We’re a married newlywed couple. Everything is happy.

I don’t get to see my parents or my family that often. When they call, I cherish that moment. But they’re not my top priority. My wife is my top priority. My parents and siblings are a top priority, too. I prioritize my wife a little bit above them. Anytime I’m on the phone with my dad, it’s great. I love it. I love talking to my dad.

He’s probably my best friend, not including my wife, of course. I cherish those moments that I have talking to him. But when my wife calls and I know it’s for a serious reason, I would hang up on my dad and say, “Hey, I need to go. I need to talk to Jenn, my wife.” I would hang up and talk to Jenn. I prioritize her highly.

You need to become that for your ex-boyfriend. You need to be his priority number one. That is your priority number one. If you do that, then the world is yours. He is yours. You will literally have him wrapped around your finger.

If you want a step-by-step guide to how to do this, I can’t go everything you need to know in this 20 minute episode. If you need a step-by-step guide, pick up my book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. It goes from start to finish, A to Z, on how to become his top priority.

Shannon, in the show notes of this episode, I’m going to create the game plan for you. It’s going to be general. It’s not going to be as specific as you need it to be. I understand this. That’s because I can’t go into all the complexities and details that are required for you to become your ex’s top priority.

But if you read the site and pick up the book, you will find out what to do. You will find out the complex methods that it takes to become his priority number one, his House of Cards.

Thanks for listening to Episode 11, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Nation. I really appreciate it. Please leave a review and subscribe to this podcast. I need it from you. Thank you so much for listening.

The post EBR 011: How To Get Past An Exes Resistance first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Your ex boyfriend has a new girlfriend…

It’s a frightening idea isn’t it?

Well, today we hear from Rosemary a woman who this has actually happened to.

I apologize on the sound quality of Rosemary’s question. I take full responsibility for it because it was one of the first questions I had actually received and I hadn’t quite figured out how to use the technical aspects of the podcast yet.

To recap for those of you who had a tough time making out what she was saying,

• She was with her ex for 2 years.
• They broke up 4 months ago.
• He got a new girlfriend after they broke up.
• He is making excuses to see her.
• She wonders if she has a chance.

Here is what I talk about in this episode,

What I Talk About In This Episode * What it means when a man gets a new girlfriend after a breakup. * Rebound relationships. * Being a “Common Enemy” * The grass is greener syndrome. * Why an ex contacts you when he has a new girlfriend.

Is This Process A Waste Of Your Time? Find Out Here

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode Reviewing my Podcast on iTunes

Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO

The No Contact Rule

EBR 007: Make Him Regret Cheating

Text Messages To Send

The New Girlfriend Game Plan

Do The No Contact Rule

This one is pretty self explanatory. You should do the no contact rule so you don’t make him feel wanted and he can’t get the best of both worlds by making you friends with benefits. After all, if he gets any of these things he isn’t going to leave his new girlfriend and come back to you.

Go On A Date With Someone Else

He might respond well to jealousy if you go on a date with someone else and subtly let it slip to him that you were on a date. I like the movie text which is outlined on this page.

Send “Memory Texts” To Ex Boyfriend

The idea here is to send text messages that your ex boyfriend will respond positively to and it will also alienate him from his new girlfriend and potentially cause a fight between them. USE THIS AT YOUR OWN RISK because it can backfire and you can become a common enemy between him and his new girlfriend.

Time Is Your Best Asset

Time is really your best asset when it comes to getting him back in this case since a lot has to happen. He has to break up with his new girlfriend, you have to build attraction and he has to want you back. So, be patient!

The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast Needs Your Reviews!!! I know it may seem like I am making a big deal about this but that’s just because it is a big deal.

I really need you guys to review the podcast on iTunes so it can continue to thrive.

So, please, please, please, please give me on honest review on iTunes,

Review On iTunes

Podcast Transcript Welcome to Episode 10 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m really excited to have you here today. Today we’re going to be talking about what to do if your ex-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend. This is one of the more asked-about questions on my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. I’m really excited to feature this question today and dive into what goes on in a man’s mind during this process.

Before I do, I have a side note. If you haven’t already subscribed or reviewed the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, please do it. If 30% of the people who listen to this podcast reviewed it on iTunes, we would be taking over iTunes. It would be crazy.

You don’t have to give a good review if you don’t like it. Just give an honest review. I’m trying to push more people to get out there and review this podcast. It would really help me personally. It would help the brand. It would even help you because it would extend the life of this podcast.

Let’s hear from Rosemary with today’s question:

“Me and my ex-boyfriend were together for two years. We broke up four months ago. He has a new partner. He still comes up, making excuses just to see me. Do you think we’ll ever get back together?”

Thanks, Rosemary, for your question. I know, for the listeners, it was a bit hard to hear her. That’s my fault. This was one of the very first questions that came through when I launched the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I hadn’t really learned how to use the SpeakPipe application that allows you to send a voicemail over the internet. I take full responsibility that you couldn’t hear Rosemary’s question very well.

If you didn’t hear it very well, I’m going to recap it. Rosemary is wondering what to do if her boyfriend has a new girlfriend. This has happened to Rosemary. She was together with her boyfriend for two years. They broke up four months ago. He has a new girlfriend. Her boyfriend keeps making excuses to come see her. We’ll talk about that part later. She’s wondering if she has a chance at getting him back, and if she does, what should she do?

This is going to be a general episode. I’m going to give you the knowledge that you need to know about men who get new girlfriends after a breakup. I’m going to give Rosemary a game plan for how to approach the situation going forward.

The first thing I want to talk about today is what it means when an ex-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend. The first thing that I want to point out here is that we are not going to live in La-La Land. We’re going to think very logically and do whatever it takes to improve Rosemary’s chances of potentially getting her ex back.

I feel the need to put forth a little disclaimer here. If your boyfriend has a new girlfriend, your chances of success are slightly lower. I am a very strong proponent of percentages. Whenever I look at a situation, in my head, I do this mental percentage. It might be, “This has a 60% chance of success.” That might be for a general breakup. Certain situations will not have as much of a chance for success.

For example, if the girl cheated on her ex-boyfriend and she wants her ex-boyfriend back. Maybe that 60% chance gets dropped down to 30%. I would say that your chances are slightly lower when your ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend but I have seen multiple cases where women have gotten their exes back when their exes have moved on.

The disclaimer is not to get a big head and live in some sort of dream world. It is not going to be easy to get your ex back if he has a new girlfriend. Your chances will be slightly lower, but it’s possible. It’s not an impossible task that some people like to make it out to be. It’s possible. I’ve seen hundreds of women in these situations succeed.

What does it mean when he gets a new girlfriend after a breakup? He immediately moves on to someone else. This can mean a lot of different things. The first thing that comes to mind is that he’s using the new girl to get over you. Men don’t move on as fast as you think. Here is an example to illustrate that point.

Let’s say that you were dating this guy and he broke up with you. Then, a week later, he’s on to some new girl. I’ll add some backstory. You dated him for over three years. After three years, he broke up with you. A week later, he found a new girl. He most likely will not have the connection or deep internal closeness with this new girl that he had with you. She’s just new.

It allows him to forget about you for a little bit. It’s hard going through a breakup. Men don’t want to deal with the emotions or sadness that goes around a breakup. What they might do is use another human being. This may not be the nicest thing for the other human being. A man can use another woman to distract himself for a little bit.

Here’s the issue. Sooner or later, he’s going to have to confront those feelings. When he does realize what he’s doing, using this girl, he’s not going to have the same intense feelings for her that he had for you. That could be one potential reason why a guy would get a new girlfriend.

Another reason that springs to mind is revenge. Sometimes a man will date a new woman to make his ex angry. You see this when men who move onto someone new rub it in their ex’s face. It’s like they’re saying, “Hey, look. I’m dating someone new. Look at me.” You see this a lot on Facebook with obnoxious pictures being consistently posted. Clearly, it’s meant for the other girl to see.

When women realize that he’s trying to make them angry, they get upset about this. They think, “Oh my God. He’s over me.” That’s not the case at all. Think about it. If a man is really over you, he’s not going to think twice about you. If he wants to get revenge on you, that means he’s thinking only about you. On some weird subconscious level, he still cares about you. He cares enough about what you think. You can use that to your advantage, which we’ll talk about later when we get to Rosemary’s situation.

Let’s move on to the next reason why men could potentially date a new girl. The next reason is kind of a downer. It is possible that he moves on to a new girl permanently. We cannot throw that out, unfortunately. I know that a lot of the women here are trying to get their exes back and their exes have moved onto someone else.

It may also be possible that they like the new girl and they want to move on with her. That’s not to say that you can’t potentially win him back. If that is the case then it’s hard. Let’s not live in a dream world here. If he likes the new girl and really thinks there’s a future there, then it might be best to let him go. That’s the honest truth.

Let’s talk about rebounds now. Rebounds really play into this a lot. There are two ways that I look at rebounds. Here is the first way. A rebound is defined in that your ex-boyfriend moves on super-fast after a relationship. He’s finding a way not to confront his feelings. There’s no way that he’s going to feel strong about this new girl if he’s moving on super-fast. Rebounds rarely ever work out in the end.

The thing that no one ever talks about with rebounds is the fact that, yes the time between the breakup and how fast it takes him to move on matters, but the time that he actually dated you matters as well.

Let me give you an example. If your boyfriend dated you for a year, broke up with you and then he’s on to a new girl a week later, this would be classified as a rebound. There is no way that he has gotten over a year-long relationship in a week. There’s no way that he’s going to have the same amount of feelings for this new girl as he did for you over the course of an entire year.

The one exception to this is if he dated you for a week and moved on a week later. I would say that it’s not likely a rebound in that case. That’s the interesting thing about rebounds.

You get this idea of the grass is greener syndrome coming into play. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve written a few articles about the grass is greener syndrome. I’ll put an article in the show notes of this episode. The grass is greener syndrome works in one way.

Have you ever heard the phrase, “The grass is greener on the other side?” Let’s imagine that you live in a house with a yard. You like your yard. You like it a lot. You work hard on it. But you start seeing other yards. You say, “Their yards are a little bit greener than mine.” You decide, “I’m going to get a new house with a new yard. I think it’s going to be greener than the yard I have.”

Sometimes, people get a new house and a new yard, and the yard is greener. Sometimes, it puts things in perspective and makes them realize, “The yard I had before was actually better.” The same principle applies to relationships. Sometimes a man can leave a relationship because he thinks in his head, “I can do better than her.”

Then when he moves on, he determines if he can or cannot. Sometimes he’ll find someone and think, “I’m glad I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. She wasn’t right for me. The new person I found is great.” Then you also get the men who break up with their ex-girlfriends, move on to someone else and start thinking, “Man, I made a mistake. My ex-girlfriend was 10 times better than what I thought. I can’t believe I did that.” This is the grass is greener syndrome.

This also comes into play when you get the new girlfriend. I like to tell women that men are always doing these comparisons. He’s going to compare his new girlfriend to you. In the relationship, you set the bar to a certain height. On the scale of where this bar can go, the lowest is a 1 and the highest is a 10.

Let’s say you set the bar at an 8. Your boyfriend gets used to it and takes it for granted. He decides, “I think I can find someone better than her.” He moves onto a new girl. He’s going to grade her on the same scale that he graded you on where you scored an 8. The only problem is that this girl scores a 6.

All of sudden, he’s going to look at these two comparisons. On the one hand, he was dating someone who scored an 8 on the scale. On the other hand, he’s currently dating someone who scored a 6 on the scale. He’s going to think, “I made a mistake. I need to go back to my ex.” That is what you’re hoping for. In a way, your chances of getting your ex-boyfriend back hinge on how your relationship worked with him and how much he enjoyed the relationship.

An interesting thing that can happen sometimes is, when he moves onto the new girl, he raises your score. Her score puts your score in perspective. Maybe you were a 7. Now he’s with the new girl and she’s a 4. He raises your score up to a 9. He thinks, “My God, I had it so good before.” Keep this in mind.

Let’s move on to Rosemary’s specific question. Let’s focus in on her game plan. When I look at Rosemary’s situation, there is one specific thing that really stuck out to me. That is the fact that her ex-boyfriend keeps finding ways or excuses to contact her while he has his new girlfriend. Rosemary, you and the listeners may be wondering why he’s doing that. There are a few reasons that come to mind.

The first is that he wants to feel wanted by you. This almost plays into the grass is greener syndrome and the bar theory that I explained. He is doing these comparisons between you and the new girl. Maybe the new girl isn’t making him feel wanted so he’s turning to you to pick up on her lack of success in that area. That could potentially be one reason that he’s contacting you.

Another reason is that he may want the best of both worlds. He may be trying to set up a friends with benefits situation, where you can make you into the friend with benefits and keep her clueless about the situation. He can kind of get both of you at once. That’s a mean thing to do, but that’s how guys are sometimes.

You may be wondering how you approach this situation. If you engage him, appease his need to feel wanted and give into the friends with benefits, he’s never going to break up with this new girlfriend. Why would he want to do that? He’s getting the emotional support he needs from you while getting physical benefits from you and also getting everything else that his new girlfriend is providing him. I’m assuming those are physical benefits. You do not want to feed his need to feel wanted in this particular case. He’s obviously not going to break up with his new girlfriend if that happens.

In this case, I recommend doing the no contact rule. It seems to me like you broke up with your boyfriend four months ago but you’re still in contact with him. You need to not contact him. You need to really work hard not to make him feel wanted right now. There is a time when that will become important in the future. Right now, you don’t want to make him feel wanted. The no contact rule is the best way to do that. Listen to my last episode, Episode 9 of the podcast, to gain more insight into the no contact rule. I’ll put some no contact links in the show notes of this episode so you can freshen up on it.

The no contact rule alone isn’t going to help you get him back. You want to work on yourself during the no contact rule. Go on a date with someone else. Make him aware of it in a very subtle way. Jealousy can work wonders in these situations. You may be thinking, “That’s kind of mean.” Think about it this way. What is he doing to you right now? You know he has a new girlfriend, yet he’s finding ways to contact you. It’s fair if you do the same thing to him a little bit. He’s setting the precedence here.

Use some jealousy tactics to your advantage. Go on a date with someone. Do not kiss them. Do not lead them on. Make it a friend date if you have to, but make it a date. Then, subtly let him be aware of it. The movie text is a great way to do this. The movie text is when you send your ex-boyfriend a text and say, “Hey, I saw a great movie with a friend.” Make sure there is emphasis on the friend so he will think, “Did she go with a guy or a girl?” His mind will go from there. He will think, “Oh my gosh. She went with a guy.” Hopefully, you’ll bring out some jealousy in him.

After this, the thing you don’t want to do is become a common enemy between him and his new girlfriend. You don’t want to become their common enemy. What happens when people have enemies? They unite together and work to destroy that enemy. The last thing you want to do is alienate him so much to where you become the common enemy. Let me backtrack. It’s not alienating him. It’s alienating his new girlfriend. She’s the one who can potentially unite them against you.

You may be wondering why I’m telling you not to become the common enemy. That’s because I’m using it as a warning for what I’m about to tell you next. This next tactic is one of the most important tactics that you’ll have to do. At the same time, use it at your own risk. It could potentially unite them against you.

What is this tactic? Send specific text messages to your ex-boyfriend. It seems like a simple thing. It seems like a hands off type of deal. It’s not like you’re trying to break them up. You’re just texting your ex. What you’re hoping will happen is that they get into a fight over this. She’s insecure about him texting his ex-girlfriend.

Personally, I think it would work on any guy if his ex-girlfriend was texting him and his current girlfriend got a hold of it. I think it would cause a fight between the two of them. You want to have him feel so alienated by her that he breaks up with her. You’re trying to get him back. That’s what you want to have happen. This is a subtle way to do it without being pushy about it.

It can backfire on you. It can unite them against you to where he brings it up to her and says, “Hey, she’s contacting me.” Rather than causing a fight between the two of them, it’s going to unite them against you.

Here is a side note. I talked to my wife about this. She was advising me on what she thought about this situation, specifically the texting your ex thing. She seems to think that the new girlfriend would give him an ultimatum, “It’s either her or me.” I think men hardly ever respond well to ultimatums. There are certain cases where they will respond well to them. I think if you really want to have an aggressive approach to getting him back, this is the way to go.

You may be wondering what kind of text messages to send to your ex-boyfriend. I’m going to put a link in the show notes to this episode of text messages. If you really want great messages to send your ex-boyfriend, you need to pick up Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro, my ebook. That has step-by-step text messages that you can send to your ex-boyfriend.

I know I was a little spotty on this explanation at the end. Let me go over it again so you can grasp the game plan. The first part of the game plan is to do the no contact rule. You can do it from 30 to 90 days. I highly recommend 30 days. I don’t like 60 to 90 at all. I like the 30 day no contact rule. Step one is to do the 30 day no contact rule.

Step two is to use jealousy by going on a date with someone and using the movie text to slip it into your ex. Step three is using specific text messages to bring up past memories with your ex-boyfriend and potentially cause a fight that could be the demise of his current relationship. That’s the best game plan that I can think of for you. I don’t recommend being super aggressive about it. Time is really going to be your best asset here.

Like anything, relationships typically end. I think this is more of a rebound relationship. It seems like he dated you for two years and he’s onto this new girl. I don’t know how recent they’ve been dating, but it certain seems like they’re in rebound territory. Rebound relationships do end. Maybe you wait it out. If you want to be proactive and do something about it, the game plan I just gave you is the best one that I can come up with for your situation.

That’s Episode 10 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Thank you for listening. Please subscribe. Please leave an honest review on iTunes. It’s vitally important that this podcast gets reviews because it keeps the podcast up and running. It keeps it successful. That is something we definitely want to do. Thank you so much if you decide to leave a review. Thank you for listening. I’ll come out with another episode tomorrow. Episode 11 is going to be really interesting. I’ll see you tomorrow.

The post EBR 010: What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Gets A New Girlfriend first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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The no contact rule is one of the most popular strategies out there.

Well, today I tackle it!

We hear from Katelyn, a woman who actually works with her ex and is wondering how the heck she is going to do the no contact rule if she works with him. It’s pretty funny, I am actually working on a massive article right now that is covering this exact situation in-depth.

I plan to have that article released by Friday but until then I am going to tackle it in the podcast!

What I Talk About In This Episode * What the no contact rule is. * If you should break it for holidays or birthdays. * A never before seen NC tactic (I have literally never talked about this on the site before.) * What to do if you work with an ex. * My E-Book and how it can help you.

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode Katelyn is on the verge of buying my book so call me selfish but I talked a little about it in the episode so I am going to talk about it here,

• Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO

I also mentioned the importance of getting reviews for the podcast. You can find my Podcast on iTunes and leave a review here,

• The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

I am going to compile a list of the most popular articles I have written on the NC rule since I couldn’t really game-plan for Katelyn in this episode,

• The NC Rule
• How To Handle Every Situation In The No Contact Rule
• What If He Doesn’t Contact You During NC
• The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule

Is This Process A Waste Of Your Time? Find Out Here

Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO In this episode Katelyn was wondering if she should buy my E-Book, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.

Well, allow me to take a few moments tell you a little about it.

PRO was designed to be a step by step guide to hold your hand through the entire process of getting your boyfriend back.

Here are some of the things it includes,

• What to do during the no contact rule.
• What to do after the no contact rule .
• How to become an Ungettable Girl.
• A mock “get your ex back” campaign.
• Specific types of text messages to send to your ex.

If you are interested in picking up Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO the simply click the link below,

Learn More About PRO

Podcast Transcript Welcome to Episode 9 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m very excited to have you here. Today we’re going to be talking about a pretty interesting subject. I know I say that every day, but without a doubt, this is one of the most asked-about topics. I should know, I’ve dealt with over 40,000 comments on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. Without a doubt, the majority of them ask this question.

No contact. This is about the no contact rule. Today, we’re going to hear from a woman named Caitlyn. She has a bit of an issue with the no contact rule, specifically if she should use it at work and how to navigate that situation. Let’s hear from Caitlyn:

“I’m pretty interested in buying your book. But, this whole 30 day no contact period, does that work if you work with the person you’re trying to get back? If you have the same job and you have no choice but to see them all the time, how do you approach that situation? Is this book still going to work for me?”

Thanks, Caitlyn, for your voicemail. This question couldn’t have come at a better time. Right now as we speak, I’m working on an article specifically about this situation. It’s about the situations where no contact can’t be used successfully, what to do and how to adapt. It’s crazy that you asked this question. This morning, I was writing about this very topic.

What do you do about the no contact rule if you work with your ex ? I noticed you didn’t ask how to get back with your ex. You asked more of a general question about the no contact rule.

You’re also wondering about my book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. For those of you who are first-time listeners, I wrote a book called Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. It helps you get your ex back. It’s a step-by-step guide. I’ll talk a little bit about that later.

Right now, I want to focus in on the no contact rule. Like I said earlier, you didn’t really ask a game plan related question. Today, instead of giving you a specific game plan, that section will be taken over by Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. I’m going to talk about how that can help you. Again, I don’t want to by pitchy or spammy. I just want to focus on unique content here and how to best help you and the listeners.

Let’s focus in on the no contact rule. What is it? I like to define the no contact rule as a period of time that you choose where you completely cut your ex out of your life in every form imaginable. You don’t see him. You don’t contact him. If he contacts you, you ignore him. If he calls you, you ignore him. If he messages you on Facebook, you ignore him. You ignore him everywhere. If he shows up at your door, he forced your hand. We’ll talk a little bit about that later. Generally speaking, that rarely happens.

The purpose of the no contact rule is to reset things. After a breakup, there are a lot of emotions involved. Sometimes time can help bring everyone down to a level where they’re thinking more logically.

Emotions are important when you want to get your ex back, but logic is also important. The no contact rule works on two fronts. It helps you make your ex miss you. It brings him down to a more logical level where he’s not so angry about the breakup. It also allows you time to work on yourself, improve yourself and become the un-gettable girl. That is a topic that I talk about in my ebook.

I’ve always been a fan of examples. Anytime that someone gives an example, I learn better. I want to give you an example of a time where the no contact rule would work perfectly. Let’s say that you and I are dating and we just went through a breakup. The breakup was really bad. I was really angry at you. I was fighting with you all the time. It just wasn’t working out so we went our separate ways.

You decide to use the no contact rule on me. You decide that you want to use it on me for 30 days, which is my general recommendation. It’s a 30 day no contact rule. Around day 10, I’m starting to think, “What the heck? Is she ignoring me? She must be ignoring me on purpose.” So I send you a text message to break the ice. It’s a simple text message that just says, “Hey.” No response. A day later, I send another text message. “Hey, what’s up?” No response. Now I’m starting to get a little bit worried. I’ve never had a girl do this to me before. What does it mean?

It starts to make a man look at you in a different light than he looked at you before. Most women, when they go through a breakup, start begging. They make all the cardinal sins. They’re begging. They’re needy. They’re clingy. They’re just not attractive. Neediness is the opposite of attractiveness.

The no contact rule is almost like pressing the reset button and starting over. You’re giving yourself a chance from the get-go to re-attract your ex. That can work if you do it correctly. Here’s the funny part. Most women will fail. If you’re listening to this, in my experience, 90% of the women that I deal with fail at the no contact rule. Why is that? That can only be explained by looking at your brain, more specifically, the area of your brain that lights up when you think about an ex.

Yesterday, I read an interesting article about your brain and what happens to it during a breakup. They did a study of a lot of people who were in the beginning stages of a breakup, when they would be thinking about their ex. These people reported that, at the beginning stages of the breakup, 80% of their waking hours were spent thinking about their ex. Think about that. Eighty percent of the time that they were awake, not sleeping, their mind was on their ex.

The scientist decided, “Let’s do a study on them. Let’s figure out what happens in a human’s brain when they go through a breakup.” Here is the interesting part. The area of the brain that lights up after a breakup when you think about your ex is the same area of the brain that lights up when someone has a drug addiction.

That is why the no contact rule is so hard . The no contact rule is forcing you to kick your drug habit. Your drug habit is your ex. Most women who attempt the no contact rule fail because it’s almost like an addiction. Talking to their ex, thinking about their ex and being clingy with their ex feeds that addiction.

Here’s the funny part. The people who listen to my advice and actually implement the no contact rule from start to finish have a much higher success rate of getting their exes back than the people who don’t. Why is this?

I like to talk about it as the zig and zig method. Everyone who wants to get their ex back always approaches it in the same way. They beg. They write a letter. They write a long email. They say, “Forgive me. I was wrong.” It just goes on. That is what an ex-boyfriend is expecting to happen.

I remember when I went through my very first breakup. That’s what I was expecting to happen. And it happened. But when it doesn’t happen, it shocks an ex-boyfriend’s system. It makes him look at you in a higher way. You’re of higher value to him. That’s what the no contact rule attempts to accomplish.

I get a lot of questions about the no contact rule on a daily basis. Without a doubt, the number one question is about holidays or birthdays. They say, “My ex-boyfriend has a birthday that falls on the no contact rule. Am I allowed to break it?” No. The no contact rule specifically states that you cannot contact your ex at all.

Of course, there is one exception. This is a tactic that I have never even talked about on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. This is only for the podcast listeners. It’s going to stay that way for a while. We’re on virgin ground right here. What I’m about to talk to you about, I’ve never told the millions of people who have visited my website. I’ve never told them about this. Here’s a handy little trick about the no contact rule.

We have to remember what we’re attempting with the no contact rule. You’re trying to get your ex back. If we’re operating under the assumption that we are trying to get your ex back, then what happens when your ex-boyfriend starts begging for you back during the no contact rule?

Should you just continue with no contact? When I first started Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, I thought you should. But experience has taught me otherwise. Experience has taught me that if your ex-boyfriend is begging and wants you back, you’ve already accomplished your goal. No contact has already done its job. You can break no contact, but under these specific rules.

Let’s say you are attempting a 30 day no contact period. There are many different types of no contact periods. I like to recommend 30 days because I think that 60 or 90 days is far too long. Believe it or not, after a certain period of time, your ex’s interest in you will dip. It’s not going to be as high. Let’s operate under the assumption that you are doing a 30 day no contact rule.

Let’s say that around day seven your ex-boyfriend texts you saying, “Hey, I’m sorry. Can we talk?” You don’t respond. A few minutes later, he texts you again. “Hey, I really want to talk to you.” No response. He texts you again. This is the third text now. “Hey, I am really sorry. I want to talk about us. I want to talk about our relationship. I think we can fix things.” No response. He texts you again. We’re up to four texts. “Hey, please, please, please call me. Talk to me.” If this happens to you seven times in one day, you can shift your no contact rule from 30 days to 3 days.

Let me give you an example. Let’s say that you are doing the 30 day no contact rule on me. At around day five of the no contact rule, I send you five text messages and two phone calls. They’re all in a positive manner. They’re all geared towards me wanting you back. In that case, you can shift your no contact rule from 30 days down to 3 days. Around day five was when all of this occurred. That means you would have only three days left of no contact before you can talk to me again. That’s enough time for me to process things and for you to feel like you’re going to be of higher value to me.

Here’s an interesting point that I’d like to make about that. What’s really important is the fact that seven actions have to be taken by your ex. They all need to be positive. In other words, if it’s four messages and three phone calls, you’ve hit seven. If it’s six text messages and one phone call, you’ve hit seven. They all have to be positive. They all have to be geared towards him wanting you back.

If they’re negative, like he’s using profanity, cursing you out or being angry or mad at you, we do not reinforce bad behavior. Treat him like you would a child. If a child acts up, you do not give the child a cookie. If the child spills food on the floor or breaks something, you’re not going to give the child a cookie. So, why the heck would you give your ex a cookie, which would be you contacting him? Why would you give him that when he’s acting up and saying mean things to you? The seven actions have to be positive. That’s the only way it works.

That’s the general overview of the no contact rule, plus a little nugget of knowledge for those of you who are super heavy users of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery website.

Let’s talk specifically about what to do if you’re in a situation where you work with your ex. It’s kind of hard to do no contact in that situation. You have to do something I like to call limited contact. What is limited contact? It’s essentially the same thing as the no contact rule with a few differences. The differences are where you are forced to interact with your ex.

Let’s say that you are working with your ex-boyfriend at a balloon shop. I don’t know why I picked a balloon shop. It’s the first thing that popped into my mind. He comes over and says, “Hey, I need you to air up these six balloons.” Are you supposed to just walk off and ignore him? No. That’s rude. Our job with the no contact rule is supposed to alienate your ex but it’s not supposed to do it in a super mean way. Remember, the goal here is to get him back, not to make him so angry that he never wants you back.

You want to limit the conversation with him. Keep it strictly about business. If he turns the conversation to your relationship, give him a one-word answer. How you say this one-word answer is important. If he says, “Hey, do you remember that time that we went on the hot air balloon?” You don’t say, “Yes, I remember that time! That was great!” Simply look at him with a smile and a bubbly attitude and say, “Yes.” It’s just one word.

He will not know how to react to that. How do you react to that? He’s going to understand that something is wrong. Men have this innate need to fix things. You want him to try to fix things with you. It’s going to put him in a position where he’s going to think, “Something is wrong with her but she seems kind of happy about it.” It’s almost like he doesn’t really know how to size you up. No one reacts that way. One-word answers are important.

Another interesting thing you can do at work to make the limited no contact rule very effective is to use jealousy. This is really important. Jealousy is like playing with fire. If you can control the jealousy and the fire, it can be extremely effective. But if it gets out of hand, it will burn the whole forest down. We don’t want to burn the whole forest down. We want you to get your ex back. We don’t want your ex to get so mad that he never wants to look at you or talk to you again.

How do you use jealousy in this way? If you’re working with your ex then you’re most likely going to see him on a daily basis or at least on a weekly basis. After the breakup is so fresh, he’s going to be hyper sensitive to everything you do. If you even just talk to another guy in front of him, he might get a little jealous, specifically if you laugh at the other guy’s jokes, lightly touch him on the shoulder or hand. It’s very subtle.

If you can do this very subtly in front of your ex, you’ll incite some jealousy in him. You want him to feel jealous. If he’s jealous, it means he still cares about you. If he still cares about you, you’re on the pathway to potentially getting him back.

Those are my top tips for using the limited no contact rule at work. Let’s recap so that I really hit the point home and the listeners can understand what I’m getting at. With limited contact at work, you want to avoid conversation as much as you can. If you’re forced to talk to him, that’s okay. Keep it strictly about business. If he brings up your relationship with him at all, one-word answers are great. The way you say the one-word answer is really important. Also try some jealousy tactics.

I realize I wasn’t specific when I said, “Keep it strictly about business.” Let’s go back to the balloon shop example and your ex-boyfriend is your boss or colleague. He tells you, “I need you to fill up these six balloons.” You can look at him and say, “Okay, I’ll do that.” It’s strictly business. If he brings up a business related task like counting money or clearing the cash register, you are very nice. You are very polite.

You don’t want to let on that anything is wrong or that you’re hurting inside. You just keep it strictly about business. Use as little words as you can to get away with not sounding rude. Keep it strictly about business. Again, if he brings up the relationship, use one-word answers. I gave you the example about the hot air balloon. “Yes” is perfect. That will do.

I already covered jealousy. That’s what you do if you work with an ex. It’s pretty good information.

Let’s turn our attention to the ebook. Caitlyn asked a specific question about if the ebook would work for her situation. It will absolutely work for your situation. It’s tailored to work in pretty much any situation that there is. In fact, I’ve had five success stories in your exact situation in the last two months. These are women who have worked with their exes. Their exes had broken up with them and they’ve gotten their exes back. There are five success stories.

We talked a lot about no contact today. What you do during the no contact rule is vitally important to getting your ex back. Also what you do after it is just as important. I’d put them at 50% each. What you do during the no contact rule is 50% important. What you do after the no contact rule, how to contact him, what to do and say is also 50% important.

What I gave you, Caitlyn, is 50% of the equation. You need the other 50%, which you can find in the ebook, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. For those listeners who are interested, I will put a link to the ebook in the show notes of this episode. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode9.

That’s going to do it for this episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I really hope you’ve enjoyed today’s episode. I have something special planned for tomorrow. If you’re enjoying these episodes and you want more of them, I would appreciate it if you subscribed and reviewed my podcast. I will put information on how to do that in the show notes on the website.

Those reviews are really important for the survival of this podcast. It is very competitive out there. The only way that this podcast can continue to survive is if we get those reviews. I implore you to please leave a review for this podcast. An honest review is all I’m asking. If you don’t like it, that’s okay. If you like it, that’s great. Put it in there. I hope you enjoyed this episode. I will see you tomorrow for Episode 10.

The post EBR 009: The No Contact Rule If You Work With Your Ex first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Did you know that vindictive is defined as having or showing a strong or unreasoning desire for revenge?

Well, in this episode we take a look at an ex boyfriend who is being awfully vindictive,

We hear from Anonymous (our caller today) who may have just landed her first feature film.

There is just one problem, her ex boyfriend has all the contact information for her to sign a contract to make it official.

As you may have already guessed, her ex boyfriend is holding that information hostage from her.

What I Cover In Episode 8 * The two reactions men can have after a breakup * Why ex boyfriends can be so vindictive * Victim roles * Blaming YOU (even if your not at fault) * Why men need to see women beg

IMPORTANT Links Mentioned * Subscribing To My Podcast * EBR Contact Page (To Record A Voicemail)

Is This Process A Waste Of Your Time? Find Out Here

Anonymous’ Game Plan To Get The Information

There are two plans for anonymous,

1. Plan A
2. Plan B

These plans should be worked in tandem meaning they should be implemented at the same time.

Lets first look at Plan A.

PLAN A

• Playing Possum- I tell a funny possum story about a real life encounter with a possum I had at night a year ago. I tie this story in to how Anonymous should approach her ex about getting this information back.
• No Begging- While playing possum you shouldn’t beg for your ex back. You need to have more self respect than that.
• Prime Him- Don’t come out of the gates asking for the contact information you are seeking. You need to prime him a little bit before you do that.

PLAN B

• Go Around Ex- Your ex boyfriend isn’t the only person who has these high value targets’ information. Make sure you make every effort you can to get the information outside of your ex.
• Tim Ferris Example- In the episode I give a real life example of someone who did this and won an all expense paid trip to anywhere in the world.

Make Sure You Subscribe And Review I am trying to make sure that The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast takes over iTunes.

However, in order for that to happen I need your help in the form of subscribers and reviews.

So, in order to help me out all I ask is you take 5 minutes out of your day and go ahead and leave an honest review for the podcast on the iTunes page below,

The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast Page

Thank you for everything Ex Boyfriend Recovery Nation!

Podcast Transcript Welcome to Episode 8 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. A little fun fact, the number eight is my favorite number. I really want to go above and beyond for you on this episode. I think I have just the question from someone to do it.

This is a very unique situation, one that I just became aware of today. The situation that this woman is in is so unique and interesting that I immediately put all the other scheduled podcasts aside to do this one specifically.

Here is a side note. The person who recorded this message wants to remain anonymous. You’re not going to hear her name. From this point on, we’re going to call her “Anonymous.” Her situation is fascinating. Even if you’re not trying to get your ex back or you’re trying to learn more about men in general, this is going to be a fascinating episode for you. I am really excited to start this.

Let’s hear from Anonymous:

“I need your help. I’m in dire need of your help. I have a very unique situation here. Time is of the essence. My ex-boyfriend’s name is also Chris. We broke up about a week ago, the day after our anniversary. We were together for a little over two years.

Honestly, I don’t think there’s any way of repairing this relationship. After thinking about it, I don’t know if he’s the best fit for me. I have a major issue. He helped me land a lead role in a feature film. The issue I’m having that is, he’s blocked me in every way and I cannot contact him, nor have I since we broke up.

I told him I would give him time and space. With the feature film, I haven’t been able to contact anyone. I don’t have anyone’s information because he was the middle man. The reason is that he promised he would set up a party or take me to California. As a surprise, the cast and crew would be there and I would sign a contract for this film. I have not signed the contract yet.

Every time we were supposed to go to California and have that party, it got rescheduled. Now he’s blocked me. Now he doesn’t want to see me. He won’t talk to me. But this is my career on the line. I left school for this movie. I’m worried that he’s going to screw it all up because he’s hurt and angry. I don’t know what to do.

I was thinking of emailing him tomorrow morning while he’s on his flight back home. He will not be with his sister, who dislikes me. He will not yet be with his family, who is also not that fond of me at the moment. I don’t know if I should email him. I don’t know if I should wait until Thursday or Friday.

Another thing I have yet to mention is that he’s moving to California ASAP, probably by the end of this month or maybe the beginning of next. He’s leaving very soon. If I don’t talk to him now, I don’t know when I’ll ever get the chance to.

I just need this information for the movie. I have to ensure that my future is still my future, that this career is going to begin, that I will be in this film. Could you please give me your advice as to what I can do? Thank you so much for your help.”

Wow, that is one interesting pickle you’ve found yourself in, Anonymous. I did go back to my Facebook page and I read through your message. There are some interesting facts that I learned that you didn’t have enough time to touch on in the voicemail. For the listeners, I’m going to go over some of the interesting things that I found out about this situation. We’re going to work on how to approach it.

Obviously, you don’t want him back. That’s great. I’m glad you came to that conclusion. I’m really glad you have the strength to understand that. Good for you. You were together for two years. He did help you land a lead role in a feature film, which is incredible. That is part of the reason why this is such an interesting story. I really want to help you achieve that dream and not rely so much on your ex.

Here is what I found out in the Facebook message that wasn’t on the voicemail. The director contacted her. The lead actor and the lead producer both said that they would not take part in this film unless she was a part of it. I think that’s important. The big problem that Anonymous has found herself in is the fact that she doesn’t have anyone’s contact information.

Her ex-boyfriend did. Her ex-boyfriend is being a little bit vindictive. I think he’s honestly trying to ruin her career. It’s a little selfish on his part and very immature. He should be ashamed of himself for what he’s doing. We’ll figure out how to navigate this situation, I promise.

She was supposed to sign the contract at this party that her ex-boyfriend was setting up. Her boyfriend truly was the middle man, which is a tough situation to find yourself in. I imagine you feel very helpless. I understand that time is of the essence here so I’m going to do my best. I rushed to get this podcast out. I’m going to do my best to give you the best advice I possibly can to help you achieve what you want.

In this particular situation, it’s not to get your ex back. It’s to get the contact information for the people that you need to get in contact with to ensure that your career continues.

When we look at your situation, Anonymous, you’re not the only one who’s going to be listening to this podcast. There are going to be hundreds and thousands of people listening to this podcast. I would like to give them some really helpful and useful information that could maybe be related to their situation. A lot of them are still trying to get their exes back. Maybe they’re trying to get over their exes.

The first part of this episode is going to be dedicated to them. I will say this. Even though it’s more geared toward general knowledge for the listeners, I would still listen to it. It’s going to tie into when I get to your situation. We’re going to be making assumptions in the general knowledge portion of this episode that are going to be extremely important later in the episode when we get to your game plan.

I took the liberty of looking up the definition of “vindictive” because I think Anonymous’ ex-boyfriend is being extremely vindictive here. What is vindictive? Vindictive is defined as having or showing a strong or unreasoning desire for revenge. Think about that. Your ex-boyfriend, after you go through a breakup, may potentially want revenge on you. This is a more common thing than you’d expect.

What do I mean when I say that it’s a common thing? When you look at a breakup, there are only two reactions that a man can have after a breakup. I suppose there are more than two, but there are two reactions that I want to zone in on here. The number one reaction is that he could handle the breakup with class. The number two reaction is that he could handle the breakup with anger.

Let me talk a little bit about class. A man who handles a breakup with class is rare. There’s a lot of emotions that go into a breakup. In fact, not many people give the real reasons for why they’re breaking up with the person. They’re afraid of hurting them. They’re afraid of confronting all the emotions, I suppose. Someone who handles a breakup with class is someone who is probably not going to make a big scene about it. They’re going to accept the decision and maybe even move on. If they want their ex back, they’re going to put the work in to do it. In fact, I’ve found that the people who have the best success at getting their ex-boyfriends back are the women who are classy in their breakups. They’re not vindictive. They’re not angry. They just go right to work to improve their situation.

The second reaction that a man could potentially have after a breakup is anger. Anger leads to vindictiveness. That’s what I think happened in Anonymous’ situation. They went through a breakup. Like I said, I read through the Facebook message that she sent me. I have to say, there were some arguments that went on in the relationship that probably caused her ex to become vindictive with her. Is he right? He’s absolutely not right. But it’s happening anyway.

Why are ex-boyfriends vindictive? What causes them to be vindictive? It’s very common. Men often like to paint themselves in the victim role. Everyone sympathizes with the victim. No one sympathizes with the person who is victimizing the victim. At a subconscious level, a man understands this, so he puts himself in the victim role. He says, “No, she’s the one who is doing all of this to me. I’m the victim. You should feel sorry for me.” In a weird way, it makes a man feel good. It makes him feel good that others are on his side. He needs that attention. It’s weak minded, in my opinion, but it does happen.

A lot of times, after a breakup, he will blame you for things that may not even be your fault. I’ve seen crazy situations. For example, a guy cheated on a girl. Then he blamed the girl for his cheating because she made him feel like he had to cheat on her. That’s bizarre. This is what goes on in some crazy men’s minds.

You have to be very careful when navigating this situation. It’s almost like a rocking boat. If you step too much on one side, the whole boat will capsize. You really have to be careful about how you navigate this situation with these types of men.

I would also like to talk a little bit about a man’s need for an ex-girlfriend to beg for him back. One thing I’ve established throughout the episodes of this podcast and also throughout my site, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, is this idea that men love to feel wanted. What makes a man feel more wanted than a woman who is begging for him back? That is the ultimate form of being wanted. Sometimes, a man will find leverage to make this happen. I almost have a feeling that this is what Anonymous’ ex-boyfriend wants to happen. He wants her to beg for him back. It’s going to not only make him feel wanted, but it makes him feel powerful. This is a big point.

Some men just can’t deal with strong women. I think maybe this particular ex-boyfriend can’t. He can’t deal with the fact that his ex-girlfriend is getting this lead role. He’s not dating her anymore so he’s taking it out on her. He’s thinking, “What’s the point of me doing this for her anymore?” It’s selfish but I think that’s what’s happening. I really think he’s being vindictive because he doesn’t feel powerful anymore. He is willing to sabotage her success because of it.

Will this last? Will he be like this forever? Will he give up this contact information to his ex-girlfriend? Maybe. But she might have to prod him along to make him do it.

What should she do? Let’s get to Anonymous’ game plan. What should she do to make sure her career thrives and that she gets in this feature film, even though her boyfriend is essentially holding this information hostage from her?

In my opinion, she needs to attack this problem in two different ways. There is a plan A and plan B. Plan A has to do more with the ex-boyfriend. Plan B is what I’d like to talk about first. Plan B is the fallout plan. If things don’t go right with plan A, go to plan B.

What is plan B? Go around the ex-boyfriend. She said in her Facebook message to me that the director contacted her, the lead actor and producer said that they wouldn’t do the movie without her. Clearly, the people involved with this project want her to be a part of it. She just doesn’t have any of their contact information.

All she really needs is one person’s contact information. Then she can get the rest of the confirmation. For example, let’s say the lead actor. The lead actor probably has the director’s and producer’s information. That’s who she really needs to get in contact with to sign this contract to get her career going.

I would recommend to try to find just one person’s contact information. You might have to go through certain channels. I don’t want to sound mean, but if you’re sitting there and telling me you can’t do it, you’re wrong. I know you can do it.

The example I’m going to give you here is from a man named Tim Ferriss. He wrote this book called The Four Hour Work Week. It’s been a couple of years since I read it. Something always stuck out to me about it. In one of the beginning chapters, he told this story about how he went to Princeton or one of the Ivy League schools.

He gave a speech there and offered a full-paid trip to anywhere in the world they wanted if they were able to get in contact with someone like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, who was alive at the time. They would need to get in touch with someone popular or a famous entrepreneur that would seem impossible to get ahold of.

Very few would do it. In their minds, people would hear his idea. They would think, “I’ll get a full-paid trip but I have to contact this impossible person to contact.” They would beat themselves in their minds already and they wouldn’t do it. They wouldn’t even try to do it.

Anonymous, you need to figure out how to just get one person’s information. In my opinion, I think the lead actor’s information would be easiest to get. If you have to go through phone books, if you have to go through mutual friends to find this information, do it. Don’t put your fate in your ex-boyfriend’s hands.

You don’t have control in that instance. He has control. In plan A, I’m going to talk a little bit about how to get that information from him but don’t operate under the assumption that you will be able to. That’s dangerous. I put plan B in place for you to go around him and try to get the information yourself.

You should probably do these plans in tandem. In other words, do them at the same time. While you’re trying to get the information from your ex-boyfriend, also try to get the information for the director, producer or actor. There is a way to get their information. You contacted me and I’m not easy to get a hold of sometimes.

You contacted me through Facebook. I noticed that you contacted me through Google+ Hangout. You contacted me through the podcast. I’ll bet you emailed me. You went crazy trying to get a hold of me, and you got a hold of me. Look what’s happened now. I’m creating an entire episode about you. Don’t tell me that you can’t do it because I know you can. You just have to be willing to get creative and put the work into it. I know you can do it. You’re an actress. You’re about to be in a feature film. You are obviously able to be creative. Work to find that information. All you need is one person’s information. That person, or the lead actor, will be able to give you the rest of the information. You’re in the money right there. That’s plan B.

Let’s talk a little bit about plan A. I know this is really what you want to hear more about, Anonymous. I understand that. For whatever reason, if plan A doesn’t work out, I don’t want you to sit there, twiddling your thumbs and wondering what happened. I want you to take action and try to get that information from those other channels in plan B.

What is plan A? I like to call it playing possum. I’ll tell you an interesting story about my wife and I. One night, we were going to bed. She happened to notice this tail sitting on the windowsill of our window. We live on the first floor. There’s a window right next to our bedroom. She noticed this tail and this horrible smell. I went outside and noticed that it was a possum. I was freaked out.

I thought, “It’s a possum. What do I do? How do I get rid of this thing? This thing smells horrible. We won’t be able to sleep with this thing still there.” I get the genius idea of picking up a stick thing. I wanted to throw it at the possum to try to scare it away. I threw it at the possum. It just sat there. It didn’t move.

I realized later, that’s where that phrase “playing possum” comes from. It just sits there and waits you out. My wife read something that said some sort of smell scares it off. She gave me a glass of window cleaner or something that had ammonia in it. I threw the water at the possum and it took off running.

What I would like you to do is play possum a little bit. At the beginning of this episode, I talked a little bit about the mindset of an ex-boyfriend after a breakup, when he’s vindictive, gets angry at you and wants revenge. I talked specifically about him being in the victim role, wanting to feel powerful and wanting you to beg. It makes him feel wanted.

Those of you who know me well know that I’m not a fan of begging. I’m not going to ask you to beg, Anonymous. I just want you to understand where he’s coming from. He’s more likely to give you the contact information if he gets what he wants. Don’t beg. Understand that he wants to feel wanted by you. Play to that a little bit. Make him feel wanted a little bit if you contact him. You definitely shouldn’t beg. You need to have more self-respect than that, but play possum a little bit. I know you don’t want him back but play the game a little bit.

You’re trying to get this contact information from him. Play possum. Make him feel wanted. In your message, do things that make him feel wanted. Tell him you’re sorry. Tell him you’ll probably never find someone as good as him. You don’t have to really mean it. You’re just trying to get this information. Play to his feelings a little bit and he’ll be more likely to give the information up. I like to call this priming. You’re building rapport with him.

You were wondering if you should email him, and I think you should. He blocked you in all of these other areas. I think you should email him. I don’t recommend this for someone trying to get their ex back. Anonymous here isn’t trying to get her ex back. She’s just trying to get this information from her ex.

Email him. In the email, don’t ask for the information directly. If you do that, he’s going to think, “That’s all she wants me for.” You need to play the game a little bit. You need to warm him up a little bit. Then strike. Then get the information. It’s called priming him. You build enough rapport before you strike.

For women trying to get their exes back, I often call this building attraction and priming him before you ask for a date or transition from a text message to a phone call. In your case, you’re trying to prime him to give you the director’s information. Don’t be angry with him. Anger, confronting him or starting a fight isn’t going to help you at all.

Instead, be very classy. Don’t bring up the fact that your career is on the line here or, “You’re potentially ruining my career.” Just prime him. Give him what he wants a little bit. Do not beg for him back. Be nice to him a little bit. Prime him and then he’ll be more likely to give you that information.

Of course, if plan A doesn’t work, you can always go to plan B. I would work them in tandem if I were you. It seems like you are very motivated to get this contact information to make sure that your career takes off. Work plan A and plan B in tandem. You’ll probably have a higher chance of success.

This was Episode 8, a very interesting episode indeed. We may be talking to the next Angeline Jolie or Jennifer Aniston. I thought this was really interesting. This is one of the more interesting situations I’ve encountered. Technically, it doesn’t have to do with teaching this person to get her ex back but I think a lot of insight can be gained from this.

Please subscribe to my podcast. I will put information in the show notes of this episode. You can find the show notes at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode8.

Thank you for listening. Again, please subscribe and leave a review. It really helps. I’m really trying to get more reviews. I want the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Nation to take over the podcast world. If you can, take three or four minutes out of your day and leave an honest review. I’m not going to ask you to give me a good review, I just want you to give me an honest review of what you think.

I will see you tomorrow. I’m dedicated to creating episodes five days a week for this podcast. If you’re going to work, you can listen to me. If you’re going home from work, you can listen to me. I’m all about having a daily podcast to help everyone.

If you want your questions answered and you want to be featured on the podcast, please visit the contact page of Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. I have information there about how you can record a voicemail and potentially be featured on this show.

This was a really great episode. Thank you for sticking with me here. I can’t express how grateful I am for the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Nation and everything that you have done for my life. I’m just trying to give back to your lives. I’ll see you tomorrow.

The post EBR 008: What To Do When Your Ex Becomes Vindictive first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Sweaty Betty has been cheated on by her husband…

OUCH!

Being cheated on is without a doubt one of the most painful things that you will ever experience when you are in a relationship with someone.

What’s worse is being cheated on by a husband who shows no remorse at all for what he did.

Well, this is what Sweaty Betty is experiencing in this episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.

In this episode of the EBR podcast I cover,

Things I Talk About In This Episode * The reasons why men cheat. * A movie I saw LAST NIGHT that perfectly explains cheating. * The differences between men cheating and women cheating. * How to do the NC rule if you live with someone. * Obviously I talk about how to make a man regret cheating on you.

IMPORTANT Links In This Episode * Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO (Sweaty Betty bought it!) * The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast iTunes Page * EBR Episode 6 * How to Get An Ex Back From A New Girl

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz

IMPORTANT PLEASE REVIEW THE PODCAST I mentioned in the episode that I was doing a blitz of trying to get people to review the podcast.

Well, here is the blitz again!

I would be forever grateful if you visited my Podcast in iTunes and left an honest review for me.

My Podcast in iTunes

It would seriously help me out so much!

I want to see if the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Nation can take over iTunes so I kinda need your help to do that!

Thanks!

Lets get to today’s game plan.

Make Him Regret Cheating Game Plan

Part 1- Determine If You Want Him Back

Cheating is a big deal.

Not everyone can handle it. So, if you determine that you can’t forgive him for what he did then you are going to have a hard time having a successful relationship in the future. Though if you can’t get over it don’t feel bad because I am not sure I would have the strength to get over that kind of betrayal.

Part 2- Do Limited Contact At Home

We are all familiar with the no contact rule.

But what about the no contact rule if you live with someone?

Are you still able to do it?

Yes, you just have to make some…. alterations. Listen to part 2 of the game plan in the podcast to find out exactly which alterations.

Part 3-See If He Will Jump Through Hoops

It is important that he shows his remorse by jumping through two hoops.

• Hoop 1- He has to cut off all communication with the girl he cheated with. He has to cut her out of his life.
• Hoop 2- He has to prove he’s different by not hanging around other women for the time being…

Part 4- You Can’t Be Intimate For A While

Make him work for it.

Seriously, it will do wonders for your relationship if he has something to work towards.

Part 5- Use Jealousy

If you really want to make him remorseful show him what he is missing out on by going on a “hang out” with another guy.

FYI if my wife did this to me it would crush me with jealousy.

That’s the truth!

Part 6- Be Willing To Walk Away

Remember what I said in the episode.

In order to get the guy you have to be willing to lose the guy.

Do You Want To Ask Me A Question For The Show? It’s really simple to leave me a voice mail for the show.

All you have to do is go to the contact page on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

Once you are there you simply record your message and wait for me to feature you!

Podcast Transcript Welcome to Episode 7 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Today we’re going to be talking about a very intense topic, cheating. More specifically, we’ll talk about how to make a man regret cheating on you.

Before I get into that, I’m doing a blitz lately of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. As many of you know, it just went live on iTunes. I’m doing everything I can to try and get reviews for the podcast. I want it to do well on iTunes. That will increase the life of the podcast.

I really want this to be a success. If you can, take five minutes out of your day, go to iTunes and leave a review for the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery podcast. I will put information and instruction on how to do that in the show notes of this episode.

With that out of that way, let’s dive right in and hear a voicemail from the woman I chose today. It’s pretty interesting. She did not give me her real name. She gave me a fake name to use. The fake name is Sweaty Betty. This episode is dedicated to you, Sweaty Betty. Listeners, I hope you enjoy.

“Hi, Chris. I’m contacting you because my husband of 10 years has been cheating on me. I caught him about a week ago. I haven’t decided whether I want to take him back or not. I do want him to beg me to take him back. That hasn’t happened yet. I’m feeling a little down because of it.

I don’t see any kind of remorse. That kind of hurts my ego even more. I do care a lot for him but I’m unsure of my feelings at the moment. I do know that I want him to want to come back. My problem is that he has to pop in and out of the house because he’s carrying out some work. I don’t know how to deal with the no contact period. It would be nice if you could help me out with that. Thank you so much. I purchased your book last night, so I’ll be reading that.”

Ouch. Being cheated on is probably one of the worst things that a human being can experience in a relationship. Sweaty Betty, I’m really sorry that you are going through this. I can’t imagine how you are feeling. Hopefully we can do something to improve your situation.

For the listeners who didn’t catch her situation, she caught her husband of 10 years cheating on her. She hasn’t decided whether or not she’s going take him back yet, which is important. I’ll get to that a little bit later. She really wants him to beg for her back. If she follows the advice in this episode, she might be able to do that. He hasn’t begged for her back yet.

He really hasn’t shown any remorse. That’s really hard, Sweaty Betty. I’m honestly really sorry that he’s not shown any remorse. He honestly should be ashamed of himself. I’ll lay into him a little bit later in this episode. She obviously wants him to come back. She doesn’t know if she wants to take him back, but she wants to see some sort of effort on his part.

Let’s see what we can do about improving Sweaty Betty’s situation here. She did mention that she wants to try the no contact rule but there’s a bit of an issue because they do live together. They’re husband and wife. I’ll talk a little bit later about how to navigate the situation of the no contact rule if you are living with the person.

Before I get into any of that, let’s go into general knowledge of cheating, more specifically, the reasons why men cheat. There could be thousands of reasons why men cheat. I’m going to take the top five reasons why men cheat and expand on them.

Reason number one is a lack of intimacy. I’m going to go a little off topic here. Last night, my wife and I rented a movie called Home Sweet Hell. It had Catherine Heigl in it. She played this woman who was very straightforward. She had goals in her life. She was obsessed with being a perfect family with her husband.

She wouldn’t sleep with her husband unless it was scheduled ahead of time on a calendar. She would say things like, “We’re not going to sleep together until the 9th. I have that scheduled for the 9th.” Obviously, the guy was not too thrilled with this. He would only be able to sleep with her six times a year. He cheated on her. The movie gets whacky from there.

The point I’m trying to make is, if you are not intimate enough with a man, men have needs. He may begin to look elsewhere. That’s an unfortunate reason. I know not every woman is in the mood all the time. You do have to take into account that there is that aspect to a man’s mind.

Another reason that a man could potentially cheat on you is that some of them are weak minded. If a woman throws herself at a man, he might not have the strength or power to push her off and say, “No, what are you doing? Stop this.”

Let’s be honest. Some men like attention. When women walk down the street, they get attention from guys. They’ll have men whistling at them. When a man walks down the street, women don’t whistle at men. We’re always craving that attention.

Speaking of craving attention, another reason that he may cheat on you is that you don’t make him feel wanted enough. You haven’t given him enough attention, so he begins to look elsewhere for it. That’s another common reasons that I see on the website.

Women comment and tell me, “My boyfriend or husband cheated on me.” When I dive deeper into the situation, I find out that they’re not exactly the best in the relationship either. They don’t give their man enough attention. Men need attention. They need to feel wanted. Always remember that. I want to feel wanted by my wife all the time, every day. It’s almost like a drug.

Another common reason is revenge cheating. Let’s say that you are dating your boyfriend and you cheat on him. Then he finds out that you cheated on him. He’s going to go through the thought process of, “How can I hurt her the most? I know. I’ll do what she did to me so she can feel how I feel.” So he starts revenge cheating, which never works out for him and the new girl or him and you. It’s a dumb idea. Unfortunately, it does happen.

The final reason that I want to talk about with regards to cheating is excitement. Men think cheating is exciting. About a year ago, I watched this YouTube video of a woman who dedicated a book to cheating and finding out why people cheat, not just men, but people in general. The overwhelming majority of people who cheated said that the reason they cheated was because it made them feel excited inside.

It was exciting. They grew bored in their own relationships. They were looking for something more. That is weak, in my opinion. It’s what she found. That’s real research right there. I wish I remembered her name or the video I watched so I could send the listeners to this video so they can see for themselves.

Those are five common reasons why men may potentially cheat. Here is the interesting insight that I want to leave you with. The reasons behind why men and women cheat are completely different. When a man cheats, it’s more physical based. It’s more of a one-and-done type of deal. There are always exceptions to the rule. If you’re thinking, “I’ve been cheated on and his affair lasted for more than a year,” that may be the exception to the rule.

Generally, it’s a one-night-stand type of deal. It’s a physical thing. They cheat for physical reasons. They get horny. Women are different, on the other hand. Of course, there are exceptions to that rule as well. While women can get horny, their reason for cheating is more emotional. Their emotional needs aren’t met in the relationship and they look elsewhere for it.

Often times, when a woman cheats, it starts out as emotional cheating. Her boyfriend or husband isn’t there for her at a specific time in her life. Maybe a guy friend is, so she latches on to the guy friend. Instead of going to her significant other for advice, talking about her feelings or working through things, she turns to this guy friend.

The guy friend takes that role on. The guy friend takes advantage of it. Feelings start to develop between her and the guy friend. All of a sudden, there’s a full-blown affair. When women cheat, more often than not, it’s not a one-night-stand type of deal. It’s a longer, drawn out process.

That’s an interesting thing when you look at cheating in general and the differences between men and women. When men cheat, it’s more physical. When women cheat, it’s more emotional. That’s what I’ve found, not only in my research, but when I read people’s questions and comments on the site.

A lot of the women at Ex-Boyfriend Recovery don’t know this but I have another site for men called Ex-Girlfriend Recovery. Believe it or not, there was a girl who went to Ex-Boyfriend Recovery and wanted her boyfriend back. Her boyfriend went to my other site, Ex-Girlfriend Recovery. They ended up using the same tactics against each other. They wound up together in the end. I found it kind of funny.

One day, I was looking through all the comments. I get hundreds of comments a day and I have to moderate every single one of them. I get so many spam comments as well and I have to figure out which ones are from a real human being. I was looking through the comments one day and this woman said, “My boyfriend used your tactics against me.”

I asked her, “What do you mean?” She said, “He used your tactics against me on your other site.” I said, “Ex-Girlfriend Recovery?” She said, “Yes, he was on Ex-Girlfriend Recovery.” I thought it was kind of funny that they were both using the tactics against each other. They ended up getting each other back. That’s completely off topic for cheating. I thought it was an interesting story and I wanted to share it with you.

We’ve discussed why men cheat. We’ve discussed the difference between men and women cheating. Let’s get into the game plan for Sweaty Betty. For those of you who don’t remember, Sweaty Betty hasn’t decided if she wants to get her husband of 10 years back who cheated on her. She wants to make him regret cheating, show some remorse or have some sort of reaction.

So far, he hasn’t shown any. To be honest, that’s really not a good sign. I don’t like that at all. If a man doesn’t feel remorse for cheating, that means he doesn’t think he was wrong in the first place. Sweaty Betty, I think you should do things to make him feel what he did was wrong. My whole game plan that I tailored for you is for your wellbeing. It’s not for the wellbeing of your relationship. It’s for the wellbeing of you.

Of course, I know you probably want this relationship to work out. You’re listening to a podcast and you’re on a website called Ex-Boyfriend Recovery that specializes in getting your ex back. I’m going to keep that in mind as I talk about this game plan. Your wellbeing is my number one priority right now.

I spent about 15 to 20 minutes on your game plan today. I divided it up into six parts. Part one is, before anything, you need to determine if you want him back. Can you forgive him? Cheating is the most devastating thing that can probably happen in a relationship.

Nothing will hurt more than that, probably. I say “probably” because there are always exceptions. In my opinion, nothing is going to hurt more. Can you forgive him for that? I want you to think about this. Most women cannot forgive their exes.

Let me give you an example. Your husband cheated on you. That is the worst thing that he can do to you in a relationship. Let’s say that you do patch things up. Let’s say that you do get him back. You follow the advice I’m about to give you here. You read the ebook that you bought yesterday. You follow the advice in there. You really put it into action and it works.

Good for you. There’s just one problem. As time goes on and you become intimate with him, you can’t get this other girl out of your mind. You start thinking thoughts like, “Wait, he must have done this with her. How far did he go with her?” Thoughts like that are devastating. They won’t get out of your mind. Someone who has forgiven the cheater can still have those thoughts, but they’re not prevalent. You don’t hold them against your partner. If you can’t forgive him for this, then it’s not worth trying to salvage for your own wellbeing.

I don’t know if you have kids together. You didn’t say anything about children. I don’t think two parents should try to hold a relationship together just for the kids. I understand the allure of that. I don’t think kids will get anything out of two parents who really despise each other. I think kids get more out of two parents who really love each other. Part one of the game plan is, if you can’t forgive him, don’t get him back. Figure out if you want him back or not.

Here is part two. You said you wanted to do the no contact rule. That’s a little bit challenging when you live with your ex, or in your case, your husband. I’m recommending that you do a form of limited contact. It’s a little bit different. You don’t want to be flat out rude to him. You want to be upbeat and positive.

You want to make sure that there’s a difference between regular interaction and interaction now. The interaction that he’s used to at home with you needs to change. You do not start any conversations with him. If he comes up to you and tries to start a conversation, be nice but keep it short. Cut it short and say, “Hey, I need to go.” Make him sleep on the couch if you have to. He’s the one who did something wrong.

Make him sleep on the couch. Make him sleep outside if you have to. If he insists on sleeping in the bed with you, that’s a little bit weird. I guess you can turn your back to him and don’t let him hold you. He needs to feel that something is wrong and he is wrong for what he did. He needs to feel that.

You need to have limited contact. Don’t text him at work. When you do see him at home, don’t instigate any conversations. If he instigates a conversation, be nice to him but keep it short and then leave the conversation. Part two is to have limited contact at your house.

Part three is to see if he will jump through hoops for you. He cheated on you. He’s wrong. Plain and simple. You need to see if he’s going to jump through hoops for you. He needs to completely end the relationship that he had with the girl he cheated on you with. He can’t have any contact.

He needs to cut her out of his life entirely. You need to make him do it. If he’s not willing to do it, he’s not worth getting back. If he’s not going to jump through those hoops for you, don’t get him back. In the long term, history will repeat itself in your relationship. He needs to work to prove that it’s going to be different this time around.

Also, you’re going to be a little bit paranoid about him hanging around other girls. For the time being, don’t let him. Make him prove that he’s not going to hang around other girls and that you’re the only girl for him. I know that may be a bit controlling. I’m not saying to do it forever. I’m saying to do it now, in the immediate time.

See if he’s going to jump through those hoops for you. He needs to prove himself. Give him some hoops to jump through. If he jumps through the hoops, great. That’s really good. He’s showing effort. He’s showing remorse. He’s trying to work to make the situation better. If he’s not, I’ll get to that in a second. Step three is to see if he will jump through hoops for you.

Step four is not to be intimate with him for a while. The only time you should ever be intimate with him is when you agree that you’re going to continue your relationship. Make him wait, even then. I talked a lot about this in the last episode about friends with benefits and how they shouldn’t sleep together. It’s kind of similar to that. Don’t sleep with him until he proves himself. Don’t be intimate with him until he proves himself.

Part five is to try some jealousy. If you really want to make him remorseful, try some jealousy. You go out on dates with other men. Don’t kiss them. Don’t lead them on. Don’t cheat. Don’t fight fire with fire here. Go on a hangout with a friend or maybe a group of friends where there are guys involved, and he’s not invited.

Make him feel some sort of jealousy if you really want him to feel remorse. Men often have double standards when it comes to this kind of stuff. They think, “I can do this to you but you can’t do it to me.” If he thinks that, he’s going to start waking up a little bit. He’ll think, “Wait, she’s going to potentially cheat on me? I can’t believe her.” You’re not really going to cheat on him. You just want to tap into his jealousy feelings a little bit. That’s really going to help him feel remorse.

The final part to this game plan is that you have to be willing to walk away. You have to mean it. There is this phrase that I constantly repeat on the website. In order to get the guy, you have to be willing to lose the guy. He cheated on you. Don’t be afraid to walk away. Have the strength to walk away. If he’s not going to jump through those hoops for you, be willing to walk away. Don’t put up with this. You’re better than this.

You can find someone who is faithful. Trust me, they are out there. You do not deserve to be cheated on or treated this way. If he’s not feeling any remorse for what he did, leave him. I promise you, he will start to feel some remorse. I guess I can’t promise that, but it will substantially raise your chances.

That is the game plan for Sweaty Betty. Tell me what you think about it, listeners. Go on the show notes of this episode, www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode7. Leave a comment. I’ll answer it.

More importantly, take some time out of your day to go to iTunes. Type in “Ex-Boyfriend Recovery” and leave a review for this podcast. I really can’t stress how important those reviews are. Not only does this podcast need them, but you would be doing me a massive favor if you did so. I will put instructions on how to find the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast in the show notes of this episode.

Tomorrow, I’m going to have another interesting episode. Make sure you stay tuned for that. Until then, thank you for listening to the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I really appreciate it. Review this podcast. Subscribe to it. Leave a comment and I’ll answer it. If you want your question featured on the podcast, simply go to the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery contact page. I’m going to put information in the show notes of this episode on how to do that. I’ll see you later.

The post EBR 007: How To Make Him Regret Cheating first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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In episode 6 of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast we are going to be dealing with one of the hardest situations that any woman can find herself in after a breakup, being friends with benefits with an ex.

Now, before I really dive in to the show notes of this episode I have a favor to ask of you.

The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast just went live on iTunes and I would be incredibly grateful if you took five minutes out of your day to leave me an honest review. You have no idea how much it would mean to me if you did this.

All you have to do is visit the link below,

The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

And you will be able to view my Podcast in iTunes. Once you are there you will be taken to a screen that looks like this,

(click to enlarge)

Click on the tab entitled,

“Ratings and Reviews”

Once you do that you will be taken to a page that looks like this,

(click to enlarge)

All you have to do is click on,

“Write a Review”

And you will be able to give me an honest review on the Podcast and would help me tremendously.

Alright, lets talk a little about what is covered in this episode,

What I Talk About In This Episode * Why Friends With Benefits Is A Bad Idea * Men Like Challenges * Why Women End Up In FWB (Friends With Benefits) Situations * How To Turn A FWB Into A Relationship * How To Re-Establish Your Value

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz

IMPORTANT Links Mentioned In This Episode * The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast * EBR 003: Does Having Your Own Life Help You Get Your Ex Back? * What To Do If You Sleep With Your Ex

The FWB “Things To Remember” Game Plan

So this game plan consists of six things that you have to do if you find yourself in a friends with benefits situation.

Lets get right to it!

No Sex

Obviously if you sleep with your ex you are going to be of lower value in his eyes so going forward DO NOT DO IT. Avoid it at all costs.

Making Him Commit

The only time that you should ever even consider sleeping with him is if he actually commits and actually calls you his girlfriend. If you have talked and are considered his girlfriend then you can commit to him.

Keep The Conversation Short

If you do talk to him initially keep the conversations short. You need to regain your value in his eyes. The conversations should be a maximum of ten minutes. Anything longer is pushing it.

His Last Relationship

In Joann’s case her ex boyfriend just broke up with his new girlfriend. Well, if he brings it up that relationship to her she should ignore it or act disinterested.

Redirect The Conversation To Something You Want To Talk About

When you do talk to your ex don’t make it all about him.

Feel free to take control of the conversation and talk about things that interest you.

Don’t Date Him… At First

If he asks you out on a date (which he will) then simply re-schedule the date to the next week. Again, this will raise value in his eyes and force him to chase after you.

I Have A Favor To Ask I mentioned at the beginning of the episode show notes that I would really appreciate it if you went to my Podcast on iTunes and left a review,

The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

Well, that is my favor.

Please, visit my podcast page, subscribe, leave an honest review and rating and that would help me out tremendously.

Thank you Ex Boyfriend Recovery Nation!

Podcast Transcript Welcome to Episode 6 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. We’re going to be talking about something really interesting today—friends with benefits.

Before I get into that, I’m going to ask a small favor of you. The Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast just went live on iTunes. I would be extremely grateful if you went to the iTunes page for the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast and left an honest review and subscribed. That would help me out tremendously.

I’ll leave the link to the iTunes page in the show notes for this episode. You can find the show notes at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode6.

Let’s get to today’s question from a woman named Joanne:

“Hi, Chris. My name is Joanne. I’m in my 50s. I raised two sons and took care of my parents. During this time, because I was so busy, I guess you could say I had a friend with benefits. Over the years, love developed but never anything serious. He doesn’t want a relationship.

About six months ago, he disappeared. He popped in and out. I found out that he met another woman and had a relationship with her for a few months. They just broke up. I know he’s going to call me. I’m doing the no contact for 30 days.

I’m going to the gym. It really taught me a lesson. I’m really taking care of myself. But I’m not sure how to handle it when he calls me. I read your books. I should know better but maybe you can help me with that. He’s also in his 50s. He likes to flirt. Thank you.”

Thank you, Joanne, for that extremely interesting question. For those of you who are listening and didn’t quite catch Joanne’s situation, I’m going to do a quick recap. Joanne has two sons and she’s been taking care of her parents. During this time, she kind of met someone and got into a friends with benefits situation.

She was in this situation for two years. He never really committed to her. Six months ago, he disappeared completely and she found out that he met someone else. After some time, she found out that they broke up. She has a feeling that he’s going to be calling her again soon. She really doesn’t know what to do.

This is a really interesting situation for a number of reasons. Before I dive into it, I want to give you a general overview of a friends with benefits situation. The first thing I want to say is that it’s never really a good idea. There are three reasons for this. Reason number one is that they rarely ever work out long term.

I’ve been doing this for a few years now. I can honestly say that, out of all the situations that I’ve seen on my website, friends with benefits rarely every works out. I rarely see a situation where a couple started out as friends with benefits and ended up getting into a relationship.

If you’re listening to this episode and you’re really into it, I’m assuming that’s what you want to have happen.

Reason number one is that they rarely ever work out. Reason number two is that men like challenges. Someone who is in a friends with benefits situation with a man is not a challenge. The man knows he can get the girl.

Let’s imagine that your “boyfriend” is comparing you to another girl. The other girl is essentially a carbon copy of you. She doesn’t look exactly like you, but on an attractiveness scale, you’re both at the same level. There is one big difference between you and this girl. You are in a friends with benefits situation with your “boyfriend” and this girl is not.

You’re not really committed to your “boyfriend.” This other girl is not in a friends with benefits situation. When he looks at the two of you side by side, he’s going to be more attracted to the girl he doesn’t have versus the girl he knows he can get whenever he wants. That doesn’t ever end well for someone in a friends with benefits situation.

Reason number three for why friends with benefits is not a good idea is that you’re more valuable not being friends with benefits. That ties back into reason number two. On my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, I am constantly talking about the un-gettable girl.

It’s this idea where a man falls for a woman he cannot have. What is it about the un-gettable girl that makes her un-gettable? She has high self-esteem. She almost gives off this aura that the man can’t ever have her. It keeps the guy drawn to her. It keeps him coming back for more. Most importantly, she challenges him.

What about being friends with benefits has any of these qualities? Nothing. Friends with benefits has none of these qualities. A woman who is friends with benefits with her friend can’t be an un-gettable girl.

Now I want to talk about how women end up becoming friends with benefits with their exes. What drives them to do it? Obviously, there’s the physical aspect. In a woman’s mind, when she goes through a breakup with her ex-boyfriend, she’s thinking, “How can I get him back? How can I get him to commit to me? What do men like? They like sex. Maybe if I give him sex, he’ll one day wake up and commit to me.” Unfortunately, it never really works out that way.

This is hard to say, but some women just don’t have the self-restraint. They still have tons of feelings for their exes. The feelings are constantly there and they draw upon them. There is that physical attachment to their ex. It becomes quite easy to fall into a situation like that.

Then there is self-esteem. Some women have low self-esteem after a breakup. They want to feel wanted. He picks up on this and takes advantage of them in that way. This is the ex-boyfriend’s fault.

The question you’re asking is, how do I turn this around? How do I turn a friends with benefits situation into a full blown relationship? I’m going to give you a few key pointers on how to do this. I’m not talking specifically about Joanne’s situation yet. I will get to that later. This is more of a general consensus. Joanne, you can get something out of this but this is more for the general listeners.

My tip number one for turning a friends with benefits situation into a full blown relationship is not to have sex with your boyfriend. You need to take that off the table completely. The only time you should ever sleep with him is if he commits to you.

You also want to do the no contact rule. It’s like pressing the reset button on things. Women who are in a friends with benefits situation are not doing the no contact rule. They’re doing the exact opposite of that by sleeping with him. There is nothing valuable about a girl who doesn’t do the no contact rule after a breakup. She most likely will beg or find herself in a friends with benefits situation. That does nothing to help her chances of getting him to commit to her.

Another thing is having your own life or improving your own life. I talked about that in Episode 3 of the podcast. You’ll find a link to that in the show notes so you can go back and listen to it. I covered a situation for a woman who turned her life around. She was having a great life. All of a sudden, her ex came back into the picture.

She was wondering, does having your own life actually help you get your ex back? To put this in perspective, I think it had been years since she and her ex broke up. He came back and was telling her how great she looked and how proud he is of her. Doing this can really help you get your ex back. More importantly, it can help you get out of a friends with benefits situation and raise your value in your ex’s eyes if you are in that situation.

You need to flirt through texting, but if it gets sexual, you cut it off immediately. This final piece of advice is probably the best piece of advice I have. It directly ties into what I just said with flirting through texting.

Friend zone him. This ties into not having sex with him. You know how it’s called FWB? That stands for friends with benefits. You take off the WB and keep the F. Just be friends. Friends don’t sleep together. They’re just friends. You might find yourself in a situation where you’re asked out on a date by him. In this case, go on a public date. Don’t go on a date to his house. He’s just going to want one thing. We all know what that one thing is.

Those are my top tips on how to turn a friends with benefits situation into a relationship. Let’s turn our attention to Joanne and her specific situation. To recap, she’s wondering what to do when her ex calls her. She knows that he’s going to call her. He just went through a breakup. She was already in a friends with benefits situation with him. She wants to turn that around when he calls. What should she do when he calls?

I put together a specific game plan for Joanne to follow. I worked really hard on it. I think it’s a solid game plan. Joanne, if you’re listening, I would follow this. I think this will work in your situation.

There are six main steps to this game plan. They’re mostly guidelines to follow. There is not a specific order. You need to do these things. Thing number one is to have short conversations with him. They should be 10 minutes maximum. Then you cut the conversation off. Since you were in a friends with benefits situation with your ex before, he’s most likely going to try to turn the conversation to something sexual. You’ve already opened the door for him in that way. If that happens, don’t engage him with it. Try to find a good place to end the conversation. You don’t want to hang up immediately. Then he will think, “I scared her off because of that.” You want to wait two or three minutes before you say, “I have to go.”

Thing number two is that he just went through a breakup. If you’re talking to him and he brings up his last relationship, just act disinterested, but not in a way where you’re rude about it. Simply turn the conversation to something you want to talk about. If he brings up his last relationship, act disinterested.

Thing number three is to turn the conversation to something that you want to talk about, something that interests you. This is not all about him. It’s about you, too.

Here is thing number four. You were in a friends with benefits situation with him and you two slept together. You already opened the door and he is probably going to want this. At all costs, do not sleep with him. You will lose all value in his eyes. Like I said, you need to become the un-gettable girl. If you sleep with him, you will not be the un-gettable girl.

Then there is nothing about you that he can’t have, that he will strive to get. Men always need to feel like they’re winning something. We are competitive creatures. A girl who we can get, there is nothing valuable about her when you’re dating. Thing number four is not to sleep with him.

Here is thing number five. Obviously, you do want him back. The physical aspects of a relationship have to come back when that happens. Just don’t sleep with him until you get him to commit. It’s that simple.

Here is thing number six. This is a clever one that my wife gave me advice on. Don’t go on a first date with him. If he asks you out on a date, do not go on a first date with him. Make him reschedule. Let’s say he asks you out to Starbucks. He calls you up one day and says, “Joanne, I really miss you. I miss talking to you. Let’s go to Starbucks. Let’s catch up.”

I would consider that a date. Technically, it might be a hangout, but I’d consider it a date. If that happens, you can say, “Tuesday is not good for me. Can we reschedule for next week maybe?” That will raise your value in his eyes.

All of a sudden, you’ve put him in a position where he has to chase you or work for that date. Since you’ve already opened the physical door of being friends with benefits, he’s going to be more likely to chase you. In his mind, he wants those benefits. Obviously, you’re not going to give them to him.

You’re going to consistently put him in a place where he’s chasing. When you have him in a place where he’s chasing, it’s a way to kickstart his feelings. Maybe it’s a little bit unorthodox. Men are competitive. If you put him in a situation where he’s constantly chasing you, your value rises. All of a sudden, he thinks, “I have to commit to her to get the physical benefits.” He’ll start to consider it.

Those are your six guidelines to follow if your ex does call after the breakup. I really hope they help you. I hope all of the listeners enjoyed this episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.

Again, the podcast just went live on iTunes. I would be extremely grateful if you visited the page for this episode and left an honest review on the podcast. It would help me out tremendously. You can go to the show notes to find that iTunes page, www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode6.

I hope you have a great day. I will talk to you tomorrow.

The post EBR 006: How To Turn Friends With Benefits Into A Relationship first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Today’s episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast covers a very dark topic…

Falling out of love…

We hear from a woman named Maria whose ex boyfriend cited “falling out of love” as a reason for the breakup.

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My mission with this episode was to really dissect what is going on in a mans brain when he says this. Of course, Maria also wanted to know if falling out of love is a choice so you will get my thoughts on that as well as a few other little nuggets of knowledge.

What This Episode Covers * Do people fall out of love? * Is falling out of love a choice? * Honeymoon periods and inexperienced daters. * Age gaps between members of relationships. * My whole take on Marias situation.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz

IMPORTANT Links Mentioned In This Episode * Falling Out Of Love * Does Your Ex Even Care About You? * EBR 003: Does Having Your Own Life Help You Get Your Ex Back * The Ungettable Girl * Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO

Is There A Game Plan For This Episode? Sort of…

Maria didn’t really ask a game plan related question but I am not going to leave you listeners out to dry.

Below is what I recommend for Maria to do in this very delicate situation.

(Remember, her ex told her that he didn’t love her anymore.)

There are five takeaways to get from this “game plan.”

Takeaway One- Don’t Compromise Your Beliefs

Maria mentioned that her and her ex were going to wait for marriage and I insinuated that her ex may have held this against her. She shouldn’t compromise her beliefs for anyone.

Takeaway Two- Living Well

This is a little involved and I would recommend that you listen to this part of the episode because I talk about topics like the Frank Sinatra Effect which you can get a good grasp of if you listen to this episode.

Takeaway Three- Jealousy Tactics

I got the feeling that jealousy tactics may work on Maria’s ex. I actually recommended the movie text jealousy tactic which basically means she lets her ex fill in the blanks and become jealous. Again, you need to listen to the episode to fully grasp this concept.

Takeaway Four- End The Conversations Sooner

A common mistake that I see people make when it comes to getting their exes back is the fact that they don’t end conversations at the right point. In episode 3 of the podcast I told an interesting story about my wife and what she used to do to me that I found to be incredibly effective.

Go back and listen to that episode for more information on what she did to me.

(I link to it in the important links section above.)

Takeaway Five- The Ungettable Girl

Need I say anything more?

BECOME ONE!

Podcast Transcript Welcome to Episode 5 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m very excited to have you here today. We have a very interesting topic today. We’re going to be covering what it means when a man says he’s falling out of love with you.

As a warning, I’m going to give you some harsh realities inside the mind of a man. You may not like everything you hear in this episode. I’m not saying that to scare you off. I’m saying that because I want to be transparent with you. I think I would be doing you a disservice if I just led you on, everything was all happy and we were living in Candyland.

Let’s hear our question today from a woman named Maria:

“I’ll get right to it. My name is Maria and I’m 20 years old. My first question is, do people fall out of love? Is it a choice? I say this because my ex-boyfriend of three years told me that he fell out of love with me. I was very heartbroken by the situation. I had asked him why. He couldn’t give me a clear answer.

I don’t know if it was a commitment issue or an age thing. He is 21. I didn’t understand. I haven’t talked to him since last September of 2014. I’ve done the no contact. I still haven’t talked to him. It’s kind of weird that I’m very close with his family. I’m very close with his mom and his sister. I don’t know if that gives me leverage. I’m just really confused on why he felt this way.

Did he choose to feel this way? He told me he didn’t. I feel like it’s complete BS that, after three years, he says he just fell out of love. I think it really is a choice, because we had an awesome relationship.

We were both saving ourselves for marriage. We have the same goals. He wasn’t just some guy I dated. He was the love of my life, and I still believe that. I’m still deeply in love with him. I’m moving on but still holding on. I just need help so badly, Chris. I really appreciate your website. Thank you.”

Thank you for leaving the message, Maria. I really appreciate it. I am happy to help you. Your question couldn’t have come at a better time. I just finished writing a rather long post on the reasons why men fall out of love with women, or at least my opinion on it.

I’m going to link to that in the show notes of this episode. If you by any chance happen to be browsing my website and stumble across this episode, just look in the show notes and there will be a link to the article on how men fall out of love with women.

With that in mind, I listened to your question about four or five times before I recorded this. I really wanted to grasp everything you were saying. I wanted to dissect it for myself. I noticed that you didn’t ask about getting him back. You asked questions about trying to understand why he broke up because he fell out of love with you.

That’s what I am going to talk about in this episode, what I think happened in your particular situation from the facts that you gave me. At the end of the episode, I will give you an actionable game plan like I do in every other episode. It will be what I think you should do going forward.

Perhaps the best way to start this is to talk a little bit about some of the reasons why men do fall out of love. The first thing I want to reference here is the honeymoon period. For those of you who don’t know, the honeymoon period is the period of time when you first start dating the person.

The person can do no wrong. The relationship is perfect. You think you’re going to end up with this person for the rest of your life. Everything is great. You get butterflies in your stomach every time you see them. They get butterflies in their stomach every time they see you. That’s the honeymoon period.

The honeymoon period does not last forever. In an ideal relationship, it would, but it doesn’t. I noticed that you said your ex-boyfriend was 21. In my opinion, that is rather young starting off your relationship career. What can happen with inexperienced men is, maybe they’ve had one or two relationships before. They’ve felt the honeymoon period.

It’s the excitement of meeting someone new and being with someone new. They think that’s how a relationship is supposed to be from beginning to end. It’s almost like they grade their future relationships on this scale. When the honeymoon period ends and your relationship drops down to a normal level, they’re still looking at it and thinking it should be like the honeymoon period.

It’s impossible to maintain that type of intensity and the feelings that you feel. The emotional rawness and what you experience during the honeymoon period, I imagine there are all sorts of endorphins going through your brain. It’s crazy. You just can’t sustain that level of feeling forever.

An inexperienced man may think that you can. That might be what happened to you in your situation. More on that later.

Another common reason that men can fall out of love with you has to do with cheating. I want to tell you a little story about myself with regards to this. Avid readers of my site will know that I am deeply in love with my wife. I am probably the most loyal person in relationships that you can possibly imagine. I pride myself on this. I am probably more loyal than a dog. If you were to open up a dictionary and look up the word “loyal,” my picture would be right there.

As you can imagine, cheating is the lowest thing you can do to someone in a relationship, in my opinion. There is nothing worse than infidelity in a relationship. There is nothing that hurts more than that. I love my wife so much but I don’t think I’d be able to forgive anyone in a relationship if they cheated on me.

I would definitely fall out of love if that happened to me. I am not the only man that feels this way. It’s just horrible. If anyone out there listening has ever been cheated on, I imagine they know exactly what I am talking about here.

The third reason that men could potentially lose their feelings has to do with fights and arguments in a relationship. When you’re dealing with the honeymoon period, you don’t get into arguments. You don’t get into fights. You get along better than anyone. Eventually, as the relationship wears on, it starts to wear on the people in it. Tensions can rise. Fights can occur. If you have too many of these fights, it can have a negative impact on your relationship.

My dad has been married to my mom for about 30 to 40 years. He taught me something about how you need to look at relationships. He said that every time you get into a fight with your significant other, it’s like taking money out of a bank. Every time you have a positive experience, something incredible happens or you’re happy in the relationship, it’s like putting money into the bank.

The idea here is to put more money into this bank than you’re taking out of it. What happens with men is that some men can take fighting personally. It’s like taking too much money out of the bank. You’ll have an overdraft fee, so to speak. That would be the breakup.

Let’s get down to the nitty gritty here. Maria, you asked me two questions. Number one, do people fall out of love? Number two, if they do, is it a choice? Let me answer number one first. Do people fall out of love? Yes, they do. I’m not naïve enough to live in the clouds and say that they don’t. I’ve seen way too much as a result of my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery.

Let me put it this way. If everyone stayed in love, my website wouldn’t exist. There would be no need for it because there would be no breakups.

This brings us to the second question. Is falling out of love a choice? I’ll admit, I struggled with this. For me, it’s hard to think about. I am madly in love with my wife. For me to put myself in a position where I have to think, “Could I ever fall out of love with her?”

It’s hurtful to me. It’s hard to go through, but for the sake of this episode, I tried to do it. I tried to put myself in a position where I would think, “If I did fall out of love with her, would it be a choice?” My conclusion was, yes, it would be a choice.

Here is my thinking on that. Like I said, I struggled with this. If you’re falling out of love or if your feelings are beginning to fade then you’re going to be faced with a choice when it comes to the relationship. You can take the easy way out, just cash out and say sayonara. You can say, “Let’s break up. Let’s go our separate ways. I’ll find someone else who can make me happy.”

Or you can stay in the relationship, communicate with your partner and try to figure this out so that you get to a point where you’re both not feeling this way. That’s my conclusion on falling out of love. You may not agree with it.

This is just my opinion. I don’t really speak for humanity itself. What I think is that, most men who leave relationships and cite the reason as, “I’m falling out of love with you,” are taking the easy way out. They’re not going to stay in the relationship and work on it. They don’t want to. They just want to take the easy way out and take their business elsewhere, so to speak.

This leaves us in a very interesting position. Let’s take a look at Maria’s situation. Her boyfriend told her that he’s falling out of love with her. She said a few things during her voice call that I thought were interesting. I know I’m probably going to get fried by the women listening to this episode for what I’m about to say.

I’m going to give a little disclaimer. The mind of a man is not always a pleasant place to be. I’m going to be telling you thoughts that he could potentially have in a situation like this. They’re not nice thoughts. Do not shoot the messenger. The messenger would be me.

Let’s talk about Maria’s situation. A few things she said resonated with me. Number one, she said, “Could it perhaps be a commitment issue?” Probably. It could be a commitment issue. At 21 years old, I was not ready for a long commitment. I just wasn’t mentally there. At 21 years old, I thought I knew everything. Maria’s ex-boyfriend is 21 years old.

At the age I am now, six years later, I realize I didn’t know anything. I thought I knew it all. I don’t know anything. I wasn’t ready for a commitment. I just didn’t know what it took. Now that I’m in a lifelong commitment with my wife, I know what it takes. I know what it takes to survive. I know what it takes to make a relationship flourish. At 21 years old, trust me, I did not have what it takes. I was not emotionally mature enough. I was not financially sound. I just wasn’t able to do it. It could be a commitment issue, Maria.

But something tells me it’s not that. You also mentioned that there was an age issue. I don’t think that’s it. You’re 20 and he’s 21. That’s solid. You probably do have the same goals. At 21, I was not very emotionally ready. I would imagine that a 21 year-old kid would not be ready. It could be the age thing, but I don’t think that’s it.

You did say one thing that resonated with me. I thought it was interesting. This is where I’m going to get torched. You said, “We are both waiting until marriage.” You should be commended for that. I want to stand up and applaud you. You deserve to be applauded for that.

I’m playing devil’s advocate here. He may not be so thrilled with that. He may tell you what you want to hear. He may tell you, “Yes, I’ll wait until marriage. You’re the only one for me.” But deep down, I don’t think he wants to wait until marriage. He broke up with you because he said he’s falling out of love with you. That essentially means he made the choice to leave and take his business elsewhere.

I’m not saying he had it. Let’s not crucify him yet. I’m saying that this could be a possibility. One of the reasons he had could have been that he thought, “With her, I’ll have to wait until I marry her. I’m only 21 years old. All of my friends are not virgins anymore. I’m a virgin. I’m waiting until marriage for her. I don’t want to wait until marriage. I want to have those experiences. If it’s not with her, it will be with someone else.” It’s a pretty scary thought, that a man could potentially think that about you.

That’s probably one of the lowest things a man could do. Just because you won’t give it up, he wants to go to someone else who will. Perhaps the more hurtful part is that he wouldn’t be honest with you about it. I’m sure if you asked him point blank, he would deny it. We are talking about something that’s deep in him.

What I’m trying to describe to you are the thoughts that he won’t verbalize. I’m trying to give you insight into the mind of a man. He could be thinking that. It’s a possibility. I think I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t at least mention that this could be a possibility.

Now that we’ve talked about falling out of love and the philosophical things that go along with that, let’s give Maria a game plan to go forward. I’m assuming she wants her ex back. Let’s do what we can to help her accomplish that goal.

I spent about 30 minutes putting your game plan together today, Maria. I think it’s pretty solid. Getting an ex back is complex. It’s not an overnight process. I certainly can’t explain everything that you need to know in this one podcast episode. What I would recommend is that you comb through my site. Grab my book. Do everything you can to acquire the knowledge you need and go forward.

Here is the bird’s eye view game plan for you. I’ve divided it up into five steps. Step number one is not to compromise your beliefs. If you want to wait until marriage, don’t give in to him if he doesn’t. You have your beliefs. Stick to them. Stick to your guns. You should be applauded for that. If this is really the reason he broke up with you, that you wouldn’t give it up, you’re better off without him.

That’s my opinion. A man should love you more than just the physical aspects. He should love you for what’s inside as well as what’s outside. That physical aspect certainly has to come into play eventually, not just for him but for you as well. Making love is an incredible thing. Don’t compromise your beliefs for him. Don’t change who you are for him.

Step number two is something I like to call the Frank Sinatra effect. In Episode 3, I gave a quote from Frank Sinatra. He said, “The best revenge in life is massive success.” I want you to go forward thinking that. The best way to get him back, even though you’re not trying to get revenge, is to have massive success in your life.

Be an A in every single area of your life. There is no weak area. You are just a massive success. If you do that going forward, not only are you going to be helping yourself internally, you’ll be helping the situation with your ex as well. As I explained in Episode 3, men often gravitate towards women who have their lives together. It’s this weird phenomenon that I noticed.

Step number three is to try some jealousy tactics. When I was listening to your situation, something inside of me said, “This guy might be susceptible to some jealousy.” A good example of this would be to use a movie text. It’s an indirect jealousy method that you could use. You could say, “Hey, I went to a movie with my friend. You should go see it.”

Here is the clever part. Fifty Shades of Grey just came out. A girl would probably be taking a guy to that movie. If you’re saying to your ex, “Hey, I just saw Fifty Shades of Grey with my friend. You should go see it,” he’s going to think things like, “Wait, why did she see that movie with a guy? Why didn’t she ask me?” He might get a little jealous. Fifty Shades of Grey is a pretty raunchy movie. That in and of itself might produce some sort of jealousy or reaction from him.

Step number four is to end the conversation sooner with him. When I was listening to your message, you kept saying, “I’m so in love with him. He’s the love of my life.” That’s okay. I’m glad that you found the person you think is the love of your life. But don’t be afraid to end conversations sooner with him. Something tells me that, in your communications to him, you may not have been ending conversations soon.

If you want advice on how to end the conversation sooner, you should check out the sales page for Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. On that page, I explain this thing called the Ziegarnik effect. It’s a psychological principle that you can use to help get your ex back. I would check that out. It sounds weird, but you can learn a lot of things on the sales page even if you’re not going to buy the book. Step number four is to end the conversation sooner with him on a high point.

Step number five is the final step. It’s the un-gettable girl. This is an idea that I came up with on my own. I am more than happy to claim rights to that one. Most of the ideas that I come up with are from other people that I think will work, or psychological principles like the Ziegarnik effect that I think would work.

The un-gettable girl is all from me. It’s the idea that you become this goddess that could walk into any room and sway any man. The point of it is that men are attracted to things they can’t have. I’m pretty sure that your ex-boyfriend thinks he can have you. You almost need to turn that around and make him think that he can’t have you. The jealousy tactics would work. He’ll start thinking, “Someone else can have her but I can’t have her.” He can become attracted to you that way. Self-improvement is a great way to do that.

Maybe go out on a few dates with some other guys. Maybe go on a friend date. You don’t actually have to go out on a date. It can be just a friend hanging out. Word could get around to him.

The way you conduct yourself in text messaging is important as well. All of these aspects of the un-gettable girl are things you need to work on. That could be extremely beneficial to you. I’m going to link to the massive article I wrote about the un-gettable girl in the show notes of this episode. You can find this episode on my website, www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode5.

That’s the end of this episode about why men fall out of love with you, or what he means when he says he’s falling out of love with you. I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. I hope you come back for tomorrow’s episode. Please subscribe to this podcast on iTunes. Leave an honest review. Anything you do will help. I will see you tomorrow. Be good.

The post EBR 005: What It Means When A Man Tells You He’s Falling Out Of Love first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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“Today’s episode is going to cover a topic that is very near and dear to my heart…”

These are the exact words I spoke in episode 3 of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.

What is this topic?

Long distance relationships...

It’s funny, I have been quoted as saying that I would never in my life be in a long distance relationship and here I am eating my own words.

(Many of my more loyal readers will know that I was in an LDR with my wife when we are dating.)

My experience in long distance relationships makes me a bit of an expert on the subject which is perfect for today’s episode where we hear from loyal reader Ashley.

Ashley has an ex who,

• Just moved 9 hours away from her
• Has a very tough exterior
• The end of their relationship was plagued with fights
• They had an amazing “hang out” right before he moved

Here is what I am going to be talking about in this amazing episode!

What I Talk About In This Episode * What is holding her ex boyfriend back right now. * A few insights I have picked up from my own experience in a long distance relationship. * How LDR’s Are Always Destined To End * The importance of making a “PLAN”

Is This Process A Waste Of Your Time? Find Out Here

IMPORTANT Links I Mention In This Episode Here are a few helpful long distance relationships guides (even though I don’t technically talk about them in the episode.)

• Long Distance Relationship Guide
• What It Takes To Make An LDR Work

Oh, and for those of you curious about my own experience in a LDR see below,

• How I GOT My Soulmate!

I also did mention my E-Book,

• Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO

Oh, and how could I forget episode one of the podcast where Ashley was one of the first people to comment,

• EBR 001: What To Expect From The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

Breaking Down The LDR Barrier With An Ex Game Plan

Now Ashley had a unique situation in that she had already done the no contact rule so the plan I formulated for her is broken up into four steps.

Step One- Determine If You Can End Up Together Long Term

LDR’s take a lot out of you so if you don’t think you can end up together long term then it might not even be worth trying for. Please listen to the episode to get more details on why this is so important.

Step Two- Building Emotional Rapport (The Ziegnerik Effect)

It’s interesting…

Women who can successfully use the Ziegnerik Effect tend to make their exes go crazy over them.

This is going to be essential for breaking down an LDR exes walls.

Again, I outline exactly what the Ziegnerik Effect is in this episode of the podcast.

Step Three- Transitioning From Texts To Phone Calls

Building attraction is vital for someone who is trying to get their ex back.

Now, there is a certain way to go about this process.

In my opinion, you can have the most success if you build attraction first from texting and then transition that to a phone call and pick up where you left off with texting.

Step Four- Plan A Meet Up

If you can get your ex boyfriend to say yes to a meet up then you have really done something amazing. Of course, getting the meet up is all about priming him beforehand with rapport through the Ziegnerik Effect.

How To Be Featured On The Podcast It’s pretty simple to be featured on my podcast.

All you have to do is visit

This Page

And leave a message for me. As long as you have a clear message and voice I will pick it and answer it!

See…

Simple!

Podcast Transcript Welcome to Episode 4 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m really excited to get this episode started today because we’re going to be covering a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. I’ve had some personal experience with it.

This is about long distance relationships. Today, we’re going to be hearing from a woman named Ashley. Ashley has a bit of an interesting story. She was one of the very first people to comment on the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Every time I create a new episode, I upload it to my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery.

A few days ago, I uploaded the very first episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast to my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. Ashley happened to be one of the very first people to comment. She commented and asked me about her situation. I asked her if she’d be willing to send me a voicemail so that I could feature her question on the podcast. I thought it was so good.

That’s a lesson for all of you. Sometimes the best way to get your questions answered is to send me a message on this podcast. If you’re on the fence about it, don’t be. I will have information on how to send me a message in the show notes of this episode. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode4.

Let’s get to the nitty gritty and start with Ashley’s question:

“Hi, Chris. I was with my ex-boyfriend for a little over a year. Our relationship used to be very natural, very easy. It was a really great thing for the both of us. However, these last couple of months, this past fall, we began fighting a lot mainly due to communication issues and how we talk to each other.

That caused a lot of fights. That caused me to be pretty over emotional. I can totally see how that also pushed him away. In a way, breaking up was a good thing for us because it caused me to see the role that I played in our communication issues, which I have since been working on. This is something that he has noticed as well, which is good. When we did break up, I implemented the no contact rule.

He was very happy to hear from me when I did reach out to him. He informed me that he was moving nine hours away, back to where he was from. We did hang out right before he moved and the spark was totally still there. He told me that he still loves me, he’s just really confused because he’s not sure whether or not we are right for each other. Currently, we are on friendly speaking terms but I feel like it’s difficult for me to reach him emotionally. I did really break his heart. Because of that, he has put up a very tough exterior. My question is, how can I break down his walls with him being nine hours away? Thank you.”

Thank you for leaving a voice message for me, Ashley. I want to take a moment out of the show to mention that this was probably one of the most well worded messages I’ve ever heard. It’s almost like you rehearsed it 20 times. It was so well worded. I think you have a future in public speaking.

Listeners, here is Ashley’s question. She wants to figure out how to break down the walls that her ex has up as a result of the long-distance relationship that they find themselves in. I want to quickly recap her situation.

She says the last few months with her ex have been extremely tough. They’ve been fighting a lot. She can see how she was a little bit over emotional and perhaps pushed him away. She has implemented the no contact rule. Kudos to you, Ashley. I’m very proud of you for that. When she did get back in contact with her ex, he informed her that he is going to be moving nine hours away. I’m really sorry about that, Ashley.

That really sucks. They hung out before he moved. The spark was still there, which is a very good sign. He told her that he still loves her but is confused on whether or not they are right for each other. I’m going to dissect that phrase a little bit later. He’s put up a tough exterior as a result of the distance. She wants to figure out how she can break his walls down.

Typically, when we look at breakups, it’s very smart for every woman to look at her specific situation and figure out what caused the breakup, whether it was her, her boyfriend or her husband. I think there is knowledge to be gained from understanding what went wrong. I don’t know Ashley’s situation as intimately as she does. When I look at it, she mentioned that, towards the end, they were fighting a lot. I don’t think that’s going to prevent her from getting him back.

Let’s take the worst situation, cheating. If you cheated on your boyfriend, you have some serious headwind to overcome if you’re going to try to get him back. I look at getting an ex back as a job interview. You want to impress him and put your best foot forward. You want to do everything you can to prove to him that you are the best candidate to take over his love life.

In an interview, you want to figure out your weaknesses and spin them in a way that benefits you. When I look at Ashley’s situation, she mentioned the fighting. I don’t think that’s going to prevent her from getting him back. Breaking up as a result of a fight, or many fights, is a very common breakup reason. I’ve seen a lot of it.

Off the top of my head, right now, what’s holding her boyfriend back is the fact that they’re long distance. Long distance is hard. It’s something that she’s going to have to overcome. When I look at her situation, the biggest challenge I think she’s going to face is overcoming this distance and convincing her boyfriend that, “We can work through the distance. This can work.” I think, right now, her boyfriend is hesitant because of the distance factor.

Now I’m going to dive into my own personal experience with long-distance relationships. I was in a long-distance relationship with my wife. That makes me an expert on this topic. Not only did I experience what a long-distance relationship was like so that I can sympathize with you, Ashley, but I actually married the one that I was in a long-distance relationship with.

Here are the struggles that I think many people have in long-distance relationships. Number one is that a long-distance relationship, at its core, is destined to fail. That might be a shocking thing for you to hear, but understand my mindset here.

Imagine that you are dating someone and you are in a long-distance relationship with them. Let’s say that you are 30 years old. By the time you’re 33 or 34, you want to be married and have kids. You’re 30 years old.

You’re in a long-distance relationship with a guy. You’re not married. The guy has shown no interest in marrying you whatsoever. You’re kind of at a standstill. You have needs and wants. You have goals that you want to achieve. It doesn’t look like this is going to happen. You’re not going to stay in a long-distance relationship forever.

Here are the only outcomes of a long-distance relationship. You can either break up or you can figure out a way to solve the distance, come up with a plan and end up together in a more permanent manner. When I say that, I mean location wise. You are going to be together. That’s the reason I think most long-distance relationships fail. They don’t have a plan like this. You absolutely 100% need a plan. You both need to be on the same page with it.

That’s the beautiful thing about my wife and I. When we first started dating, we came up with a plan immediately. We were a little bit different than your situation, Ashley. We didn’t date before someone moved away in a long-distance manner. We initially were long distance from the beginning. The pressure for us to end up together was there. Both of us had to figure out a way to navigate the plan.

One of the biggest reasons people fail in a long-distance relationship is that they get stuck in a standstill. There’s no overarching plan that causes the two people to end up together in the same location. Someone has to move to someone or you both have to move to a neutral location. That’s what has to happen. Someone has to make a sacrifice.

For my wife and I, that was me. It’s because my job was amenable to changing locations. My wife was a salesperson and she really couldn’t move. I’m some sort of website geek that knows a thing or two about relationships. I had the means to make it work. I had time and money. That is my next point.

The only reason that the plan that we had to end up together worked was because it was possible. I had the time to move. I had the money to move. Not everyone has those luxuries. Sometimes people from separate countries can’t get off work to meet up with each other. They don’t have the money to make a big move.

Many of them don’t have the guts or faith in the relationship to do that. No doubt, it is a scary thing to pick up your life and move for someone when there’s no guarantee of it working out. I got lucky. My wife is an amazing woman. It almost made my decision to move easy. I knew I was going to end up with her. I believed it in my core.

Here’s what we discussed so far. Most long-distance relationships fail, in my opinion, because there is no plan to end up together. If there is a plan, some couples don’t have the means to make the plan work. The means are time and money. For many of the listeners out there in high school and your boyfriends moved away, realistically, you probably don’t have a good shot of getting your ex back. I’m sorry to break the news to you. Those are the facts. Like I said, you need time and money to make this work.

Let me discuss the time factor. I think the money factor is pretty self-explanatory. You need money to travel. You need money to move permanently somewhere. The time factor, on the other hand, is important, too. A lot of people just can’t get off work. Or they’re in school. They can’t just uproot their lives once a month to see their boyfriend or girlfriend.

When my wife and I were dating, every month, we would set time aside for each other. We would see each other at least once a month. There would be these blocks. For example, in the month of May, we would see each other for four to five days. I would visit her. Then she would come and visit me. It would go back and forth until we figured out how we were going to do this and end up together permanently. Everything developed from there.

We were lucky that I work for myself. I don’t have any boss to answer to. She, on the other hand, did have a boss to answer to. She had to put in vacation days. She pretty much used up all of her vacation days for me. I am forever grateful for that. If she wasn’t able to do that, we would not have seen each other for three or four months. That’s staggering. In a long-distance relationship, you need to be seeing the person at least once a month.

Those are my words of wisdom when it comes to long-distance relationships. I’m beating a dead horse at this point. You need to have an overlying plan to end up together in a permanent location. You need to have the time and money to make that plan succeed.

Let’s focus on Ashley’s situation. I want to get to the game plan portion of the episode. For those of you who are new to the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, I let people call in. I give general knowledge that’s helpful for everyone. At the end of the episode, I focus in and give the particular person who called in a game plan for how to approach their situation.

Here is Ashley’s game plan. Ashley, I want you to know that I thought a long time about this. I spent about 35 to 40 minutes putting this game plan together for you. I really did put a lot of work into this for you. Your situation is a little bit unique. Usually, in your situation, I would recommend to use the no contact rule. You’ve said you already used it.

I’ve come up with four steps to your game plan. I will be posting Ashley’s game plan to the show notes of this episode. This is Episode 4. For those of you who find yourself in a similar situation, look at the game plan and you’ll be good to go.

Step number one is pretty general. First, you need to determine if this relationship is worth your time. You need to determine if that plan is there and if it’s feasible to make the plan work. Here is an example. Maybe you’re in high school. You don’t sound like you are. You’re very well spoken. Some high school kids fumble. You sound like you’re more mature. If you were in high school then it’s probably not a feasible situation to continue.

I’m all about long-term success with relationships. I really want you to succeed, Ashley. In order to give yourself a chance, you need to figure out if this relationship is worth your precious time. Your time is precious. Don’t let some guy take that away from you. Your time is the biggest asset you have.

If everything went perfectly, would your ex-boyfriend be open to a plan to end up together permanently? Would you have the means to make that plan work? I’m assuming that you’re going to say yes. When I tell people that, they almost always say yes. The question that you have in your mind is, “I want a plan to work, but how can I convince him to want the plan to work when he has this tough exterior up?”

It’s all about reaching him on an emotional level. You’re building the emotional rapport you need for him to look at you and say, “My God, I miss her. I need to have her.” That’s step two of the plan. You need to build emotional rapport with your ex. How do you go about that?

How do you create this emotional rapport when your ex is so guarded inside and outside? I want you to utilize something I like to call the Ziegarnik effect. What is the Ziegarnik effect? It’s pretty simple. It’s a psychological principle that says human beings remember uncompleted tasks better than completed tasks. That may sound a little weird. Let me explain it.

I always love to use TV shows as an example. One of my favorite TV shows right now is Game of Thrones. At the end of every single episode of Game of Thrones, there’s a massive cliffhanger. The shows just stops. Something massive happens and you say, “I have to see what happens next.” You have to wait an entire week to see it. That’s the Ziegarnik effect in action.

It means that you’re going to remember an uncompleted task or thing more. You need to utilize this with your ex-boyfriend. When you’re texting him, I want you to treat it like a TV show. In a television show, there’s a plot and there’s a climax. Usually, right before the episode is about to get really good, the show runners stop the episode right there. They know that you have to come back next week and watch. That’s a week-long period where they’re not going to see the audience.

They need to capture their attention somehow and make them remember to come back. A cliffhanger is the perfect way to do that. The Ziegarnik effect ties into this. It’s an uncompleted task. At the end of every single TV show, there’s a cliffhanger. Even that stupid show, Keeping up with the Kardashians, I guarantee there’s a cliffhanger at the end of those episodes. They know they have to keep you hooked to keep you coming back.

Use this principle on your ex. I want you to text him. Get a good conversation going. A good conversation is when he’s responding at a pretty good rate and you’re responding at a pretty good rate. Your word count in the text is high for both of you. You’re having good rapport.

Right when the conversation is about to get good, don’t text him anymore for the rest of the day. Wait until the next day. Keep doing this. Slowly but surely, you’ll find that the traction gets ramped up. You’ll be able to dive into more intimate topics. I don’t mean super intimate. I mean emotional topics. These are topics that you know are going to reach him on an emotional level. The Ziegarnik effect is step two.

Step three is where things start to get fun. If you’re doing things right with the Ziegarnik effect with step two, you’re going to build a lot of good rapport with your ex-boyfriend. You’re going to have some good conversations.

What do you do next? You want to transition from texting to phone calls. There are a lot of ways you can do this. My favorite way is to use a story to your advantage. I want you to start telling a story. Make it up if you have to. Don’t make it so ridiculous that he’ll question it. Make up a story. Tell the story.

Midway through the story in a text message, say, “This is too long. Can I just call you?” or “Can you just call me?” That’s a perfect way to get him to call you. If he’s listening to your story, he’s already hooked. He’s going to be more amenable to saying yes on the phone. Once you get him on the phone, the game is on. You’re on the clock. You need to fascinate him.

In Episode 3 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, I told an interesting story about what my wife would do to me when we were on the phone. I want you to use that story on your ex, Ashley. I want you to use what my wife did to me on your ex when you get him on the phone. I’m not going to tell you the story. I want you to go back and listen to Episode 3 of the podcast. It’s a great story. I messed up at the end. You can hear the fear in my voice. I’ll leave it at that.

Step three is to transition from texting to phone calls. On the phone calls, you need to fascinate your ex.

Step four is the final step. After you’ve built up enough attraction, you can try for a meetup. You can see each other in person. You’re long distance. You’re nine hours away from your boyfriend. That means that you have to build up enough attraction. You’ll know inside. Your internal aura will sense, “I’ve built up enough attraction for him to say yes to a meetup.” Step four is to get a meetup.

If you build up enough attraction, he will say yes to a meetup. He will want to see you. Once you have him in person, that’s when you have him. If you think about it, he said yes to either traveling to you nine hours away or you traveling to him. That means he’s setting his entire schedule aside for you. That’s a good thing. That means you’re really close to getting him back.

Those are the four steps that I want you to focus on right now, Ashley. Feel free to contact me and keep me updated with your situation. I’d really like to hear all about it. That is the game plan for Ashley.

Listeners, you can go to www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode4 to find the graphic I created for Ashley’s game plan. I’ll be posting Episode 5 tomorrow. I’m very excited for what’s in store.

I want to thank you for listening to the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. If you’re interested in getting your ex back, please check out my website. There’s a lot of helpful information there. If you need a step-by-step game plan to get your ex back, check out my book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro.

I hope you have a great week or weekend. I’ll see you tomorrow.

The post EBR 004: Breaking The Long Distance Barrier With An Ex first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Welcome to Episode 3 of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.

I am really excited with how this Podcast is going and I hope you guys are getting a lot out of it.

I have already gotten a lot of positive feedback so I hope to keep the ball rolling!

Today I would like to introduce you to a woman named Natalie.

Natalie has a very interesting question,

She asks:

“Does having your own life actually do the opposite of what many women think and actually help you get your ex boyfriend back?“

Now, many of you may be wondering why Natalie would be asking this question.

It’s pretty simple really,

• It has been 2 years since the breakup with her ex.
• In that 2 years she has started her own business, started dating again and feels very confident.
• Her ex has kind of come back into the picture lately congratulating her.
• When she was with him she kind of didn’t do a good job of having her own life/going out with friends.
• So, now that she does “have her own life” he has started finding her attractive again.

Here is what I will be talking about in this Episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast,

What I Cover In This Episode * Mistakes that women often make in relationships that “turn off” their boyfriends * How The NC Rule plays into helping women correct their mistakes * The Grass Is Greener Syndrome * Time is a great long term ally to getting an ex back

Is This Process A Waste Of Your Time? Find Out Here

IMPORTANT Links In This Episode * Common Mistakes Women Can Make * Why Men Fall Out Of Love * The Grass Is Greener Syndrome * Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO

The Game Plan For This Episode Natalie had a question that wasn’t really amenable to a game plan seeing as how her ex was already coming back into her life. However, I don’t want to leave you, the listener, out to dry here so I game planned for a situation that I know a lot of you are in.

The following game plan is for women who really had no interests of their own or made their lives match their ex boyfriends life.

In other words, they stole his life…

In the podcast I believe I miscounted the steps to this game plan which clearly shows what subject I favored in school.

Hint Hint: It’s not math!

Alright, so if you ever find yourself in a situation where you “stole” your exes interests rather than having your own you should do the following things,

Step One- Determine The Changes

What did you do wrong in the relationship?

How many interests did you steal?

Were you a little too clingy?

Did you not have your own life?

Write down all of the things you did wrong and how you are going to change them in a positive manner going forward.

Step Two- Make Them

This one is pretty simple. Once you have determined the changes in you need to make do whatever you can to make them.

Step Three- Don’t Be Too Available

If we assume that your ex pulls what Natalie’s ex is doing to her then you need to make a mental not to not be too available for him. Prove to him that you have your own life now and he is going to have to work to “win” you.

Step Four- Play Hard To Get

Men deep down are intrigued by women who are hard to get.

Why do you think this strategy is so effective!

Oh, and don’t sleep with him on the first date or anything like that.

A woman who does that sends off a signal that she is easy to get not the other way around.

Step Five- Leave Him Wanting More

Perhaps the most important rule?

If you listen to the podcast then you will hear the fear in my voice when I get to his section. I imagine I made a lot of people laugh with what happened after my story.

Don’t know what I am talking about?

You are going to have to listen to the full episode to find out.

How To Ask Me A Question For The Podcast? A lot of women are wondering exactly what they need to do to leave me a voice mail on the Podcast to have their question potentially featured and answered.

The truth is that it is really easy!

All you have to do is visit my SpeakPipe page which you can find below,

My SpeakPipe Page

Once you are there you will be given the ability to record a message.

(If you are using a phone you may have to download their free app)

I’ll see you tomorrow!

Podcast Transcript Welcome to Episode 3 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I just want to take a moment to thank you for listening to this podcast. It helps if you can leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher. Subscribe to the podcast and you’ll get daily updates.

Today, we’re going to have a pretty interesting question from a woman named Natalie. Let’s hear from Natalie right now:

“Hi, my name is Natalie and my question is this. It’s been almost two years since the breakup with my ex and I have since then started my own business and started dating. I feel at 100% with my confidence.

I’ve noticed that he’s been calling and texting me a lot more often and telling me how proud he is of me, and that I look really good. When we were together, I stopped following my dreams and going out with friends to be closer to him, realizing now that all it did was push him away. Would you say having your own life despite fear of losing a man actually does the opposite and keeps him interested?””

Thank you, Natalie, for asking that amazing question. I’m really excited that you asked this. This is a topic that I haven’t dived into that much during my time with Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. I’d like to start today’s episode off with a quote from Frank Sinatra. He said, “The best revenge in life is massive success.” I think that holds true to Natalie’s situation here.

She’s gotten some success in her life. It’s been two years since the breakup. She started her own business. She started dating again. She feels 100% with her confidence. Her ex has kind of come back into the picture lately. He may have sensed that she’s feeling more confident. It’s interesting.

She’s doing well with her life. She’s having some success with her life. All of a sudden, her ex comes back in. Even though she’s not technically trying to get revenge on her ex, who knows, maybe he was a really bad guy and he deserves it. Having success in your life and striving to become better than you are, even if you’re an incredible human being and trying to strive farther than that, can have an amazing effect on your love life.

Natalie’s question was, “Does having your own life actually help you get your ex back?” When we were listening to Natalie’s situation, she said something that I thought was really interesting. She said when she was with him, she got caught up in his world. She didn’t have her own life, so to speak. Her life was his life and he didn’t find that very attractive. I find that women often make similar mistakes in relationships. It pushes their boyfriends or now ex-boyfriends away.

I’m going to cover a few of the mistakes that I see women make here. I’ll talk specifically about Natalie’s mistake. The very first mistake that I see a lot of women make in relationships is that they’re too clingy. Another mistake is that they’re really needy or high maintenance. They require a lot of upkeep and attention to survive.

The reason that this springs to mind is because I’m writing an article right now about the reasons that men fall out of love. I focused on the high maintenance thing this morning. This is about a woman who is extremely high maintenance.

I don’t want you to get me wrong. Some high maintenance is okay. Everyone has their own needs. Everyone needs attention in a relationship. I’m talking about an extreme form of high maintenance where it’s almost like one person is in the relationship and the other person doesn’t get their needs met at all. High maintenance, clinginess and neediness are on the list.

Another very common thing that I see women do in relationships do that’s a mistake is that they don’t have their own lives. More specifically, they hijack their boyfriend’s life. Let’s say that you are dating a guy and you’re hijacking his life. You throw away everything in your own life, and his life becomes your life. Let’s say that the guy you’re dating is obsessed with baseball. All of a sudden, you become obsessed with baseball and you don’t have any original thoughts of your own.

I’m not going to lie to you. There are some guys who like having a woman who is completely theirs, that they own. These are few and far between. They’re not very common. They’re extremely rare. In most cases, it turns a guy off completely. It seems like it turned Natalie’s ex-boyfriend off from her.

This poses a really interesting question. Why is this so unattractive to a man? Why is it that having a girl who basically hijacks a guy’s life turns him off? The example I’m going to use here is with a video game. I know a lot of the women listeners don’t play video games, but bear with me. I promise, this is going to make complete sense to you. Imagine that you’re playing a video game, let’s say Super Mario. You’re playing Super Mario. All of a sudden, someone gives you a cheat code that will win the game for you. You put in the cheat code and you win. It’s an instantaneous win. What’s fun about that? Part of the fun of playing a video game is the fact that it challenges you. It’s not easy. Winning at the end feels like an accomplishment. The reason it feels like an accomplishment is because it was so hard to win.

I like to compare this to relationships. What’s fun about a relationship, to a guy, when he already knows that he can control this girl any way he wants? She’s obsessed with him. What’s fun about that? What is attractive about that to a guy? What’s challenging about that? Some guys like weak women. Most guys don’t, deep down.

They like it when a woman challenges them. In the end, it makes them feel like they accomplished something. That may be a little demeaning towards women, but we’re looking at the mind of a man here. The mind of a man isn’t always a gender-neutral place. Men like to win prizes. Never ever forget that.

Avid readers of my site know that I’m a big advocate of the no contact rule. One of the reasons that I recommend the no contact rule so highly is that it helps women correct this problem. Imagine that you have a woman who does not have her own life. She hijacked her boyfriend’s life. The no contact rule is a period of time where she can correct that and figure out what she needs to do to get her own life back.

If you think about it, the woman that the guy fell in love with is not the woman that he fell out of love with. I’m going to do a little role play here because I think it will better illustrate this point. Imagine that you and I are not dating yet but we’re talking. I have my own life and you have your own life.

I’m attracted to you because you have your own life. You are your own person. You are you. During our relationship, you changed. Change is the most inevitable thing that will ever happen. More often than not, changing who you are in a relationship is not a good thing. Taking over someone else’s interests and pushing aside your own doesn’t really work in the end.

Let’s say that I decide to date you. Lucky you, I’m awesome. Kidding aside, we are dating. Somewhere in the relationship, I figure out, “Wait, she’s not the same person that I fell for. She’s basically a carbon copy of me.” This is unattractive to me because I fell for you for who you were before the relationship started. All you did was take over my interests. You didn’t have an original thought of your own. Maybe that’s not accurate. I should say that you didn’t have an original interest of your own if you’re taking over my interests. That’s usually never a good thing.

I love recommending the no contact rule as a way for women to almost press the reset button and correct this problem. It’s a way for them to get back to their former selves or the selves that the guy they’re trying to get back fell in love with. That is where Natalie aced the test in spades. She did exactly that. She got back to her roots.

When you look at Natalie’s situation, it’s been two years since the breakup with her ex. She’s made some serious changes. She’s started her own business. Kudos to you, Natalie. That is incredible. I wish you the best in your endeavors. She started dating again, which can create some jealousy with an ex.

When you’re looking at an ex that is two years post-breakup, probably not. It’s more for Natalie’s inner self. The coolest aspect of this is that Natalie really feels 100% more confident. She feels way more confident than she did before she made these changes in her life.

What’s happening here? Why is her ex-boyfriend coming back to her after all of these changes? There are two reasons. Having your own life actually will help you get your ex back. Don’t believe it if someone tells you it’s okay not to have your own life. Having your own life is essential for getting your ex back.

The second reason is a much more interesting reason. I like to call it the “grass is greener” syndrome. I think what happened to Natalie’s ex-boyfriend is that he started getting a little bit of the grass is greener syndrome. I describe it as someone who leaves a relationship and gets into another relationship or experiences someone else. Then they compare their new relationship to the old relationship that they had with you.

The grass is greener syndrome can work in two ways. Two outcomes can occur here. Your ex could decide that the grass is greener on the other side. The person he is with is better than you and he’s happy. Or he could determine that the grass is not greener on the other side. He made a mistake by leaving you.

That’s what I think happened in Natalie’s case. I think her ex, two years removed after the breakup, dated around. He has experienced other people. He’s comparing these other people to Natalie. Maybe he went on a date and compared that date to his first date with Natalie. Maybe he was in a relationship with someone and the person he was with was super clingy. Then he compared the clingy girl to Natalie, and Natalie was not clingy. He’s thinking to himself, “I might have made a mistake by breaking up with that one.”

I’m going to tell you a fun, little story. One of my very good friends told me a story a couple of years ago about the one that got away. The way he talked about this girl, he was in love with her. I don’t remember exactly what happened for the two of them to break up. It was a couple of years ago. If you’ve dealt with as many breakups as I have through Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, your memory is shot a little bit.

I do remember this part. He had been married after this girl. He’d gotten a divorce from his wife. Even after all of this, he was still thinking about this girl. He had the grass is greener syndrome in spades. He kept thinking, “Man, she got away. I let her get away. I made a mistake.” Maybe that’s what’s happening here with Natalie’s ex.

The main takeaway is that, sometimes it will take a while for an ex to come back to you. Natalie, in my opinion, did everything right. I don’t know what exactly she did after the breakup, short term. Long term, she started a business. She started dating again. She started working on herself mentally, maybe even physically. I don’t know. She didn’t say anything about that. Long term, she did everything right to get her ex back. Without her even lifting a finger, he’s coming back. Keep that in mind when you’re trying to get your ex back.

A lot of women expect immediate results. So many people want to figure out, “How can I get my ex back as soon as possible?” I understand that. A lot of times, it just takes time. This is a process that you really cannot rush. Sometimes, the short-term methods won’t work. The long-term methods work that Natalie displayed here.

They may not work 100% all the time. If you are really looking to get an ex back long term, years after the breakup, what Natalie is doing is the way to go.

As you know, here is the structure of this podcast. You call in. I’ll answer your question. Then at the end, I’ll give you a game plan. This is a unique situation. Natalie didn’t ask a question that’s conducive of a game plan. I’m not going to leave you empty-handed here.

We’re going to make a few assumptions before I get into this game plan. Assumption number one: You want your ex back.

Assumption number two: You did what Natalie did and lost your own interests. You took more interest in him and his life. Your world revolved around his world.

I would like to teach you exactly what to do in this situation to get an ex back long term. Step one of the game plan is to determine the changes that you need to make. If you were clingy in the relationship, don’t be clingy. If you were needy in the relationship, work on the neediness. Figure out exactly how you took over his life. What changed? What interests do you need to get back to from the beginning? What interests you at the core? Don’t think about him. Focus on you.

A lot of times, the way back to an ex’s heart is through self-improvement. Step two, once you have determined what changes you need to make, make them. It’s as simple as that. Make the changes. Will it take a year? Will it take two years? Will it take three years? Maybe.

Here is a side note. Even if you don’t get your ex back in this case, it’s not the end of the world. Doing what I’m explaining here, a long-term method of getting your ex back, you’re getting something out of it.

At the very least, you’re improving yourself. When you improve yourself, you attract attractive things to you. Maybe not your ex. Maybe it’s someone else. Maybe you put yourself in an opportunity where you meet the man of your dreams. Who knows? Our goal here is to try and get your ex back.

Step three, let’s assume that you make these changes. Your ex gravitates toward you like he is to Natalie. Natalie made all of these incredible changes. Then, all of a sudden, he’s showing up again. He’s messaging her, telling her how great she’s doing and how proud he is.

In this case, don’t be too available for him. You want him to feel wanted, but you don’t want to become too available for him. You have to play a little game at the beginning to re-attract him and re-grab his attention. Step three is not to be too available for him.

Step four, play hard to get a little bit. On dates, play hard to get. Don’t sleep with him on the first date. Make him work a little bit. Make him prove how much you mean to him.

Step five is also very important. Always, always leave him wanting more. I cannot stress this enough. This is the most important part of this game plan. You have to leave him wanting more. I cannot stress how important this is. If you do leave an ex wanting more, he’ll marry you. Seriously.

I’m going to tell you a story about something my wife used to do to me. I don’t even think she meant to do it, but it worked incredibly. When we were talking, we weren’t dating yet. She would always call me. You could say, “She’s calling you and you’re not calling her.” It didn’t matter. I’ll tell you why. It’s because of the way she would end the conversations.

When my wife and I first met, she had a horrible phone. She didn’t have a smartphone. It was a really bad phone. The connection was bad a lot of times. She would call me. We would be on the phone for about 45 minutes to an hour. It was a great conversation. Every day, it was conversations that you never wanted to end.

I remember that she would be talking and I would be daydreaming, thinking, “Wow, this is incredible. I don’t want this conversation to end.” We would riff off each other. She would say something, I would say something and the conversation would grow from there. All of a sudden, bang. She’s gone. I would say, “Wait, she hung up on me.”

I would get really angry and call her back. She wouldn’t pick up. It would go straight to voicemail. I’d call again and it would go straight to voicemail. About two hours later, she’d call me and say, “Sorry, my phone died. The battery is bad.” All was forgiven for me because she was back on the phone.

Here’s the funny part. There would be times when she did that but wouldn’t call me back for the rest of the day. I don’t think she did it in purpose. It made me depressed. I really liked her. I wanted her to talk to me all day, every day.

We would talk for an hour. At the very high point of the conversation, her phone would suddenly “die.” She would leave the conversation at the high point. I would be left wanting more. She would not talk to me for the rest of the day because her phone “died.” To this day, she has still not told me if she meant to do it or not. I think she meant to do it. I really do.

That was a fun story about how important it is to leave your ex-boyfriend wanting more. She’s my wife now. We weren’t dating at the time. I hope she does not listen to this because I’m going to be in the dog house. I’m going to end the episode here because I think I’m going to get in trouble from her.

Thank you so much for listening to Episode 3 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Please subscribe to this podcast on iTunes. Leave a legitimate review or comment on it. It really helps out. It’s the only way this podcast can continue to survive.

Thank you so much for listening to the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. If you want to call in, just read the show notes from this call. Call in and ask me a question for Episode 4, 5, 6 or any future episode. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode3. I hope you have a great rest of the day, night or morning. I will see you tomorrow.

The post EBR 003: Does Having Your Own Life Help You Get Your Ex Back? first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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In this episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast we hear from a woman named Brianna who has found herself in quite the pickle…

• She is two months removed from the breakup.
• Her ex boyfriend has deleted his Facebook account.
• He has changed his email.
• He has changed his phone number

Now, obviously this is one of the hardest situations that you could possibly find yourself in. I mean, your chances of winning an ex boyfriend back without having the ability to talk to him are slim to none.

So, in this episode I am going to really talk about how you can navigate a situation where your ex has blocked you or has flat out deleted your number and what you can do to influence him enough to want to either unblock you or get in contact with you again.

Here is what you can expect to hear about in this episode.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back? Take the quiz

What I Talk About In This Episode * Why an ex boyfriend would want to block you. * The two different types of “blocks.” * How often an ex boyfriend might actually unblock you (or get in contact with you) on his own accord. * How to increase the chances of him unblocking you or getting in contact with you.

Important Links I Talk About In This Episode I really only talked about two major things on Ex Boyfriend Recovery in this episode.

The first being the article I wrote about blocking,

• What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Blocks You

The second being my E-Book,

• Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO

The Game Plan For This Situation I have made it clear that in every single episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast I will be formulating a game plan for the situation I discussed in the episode.

So, the situation for this episode is figuring out what to do if you have no possible way of contacting your ex.

Below I have compiled a graphic outlining what to do in this situation,

The game plan basically consists of 4 steps.

Step One- Understand that Time Is Your Best Offense

Most exes will unblock you on their own accord so most of the time you actually won’t have to do anything to get them to unblock you except be a little patient. Of course, there are also a lot of exes who wont unblock or contact you and it is these exes that might need a little extra push.

Step Two- Influence

This “push” is going to come in the form of influence. You have to basically make your ex boyfriend want to talk to you and in order to do this you have to have some sort of influence over him.

Step Three- Find A Way To Get On His Mind

How do you influence him?

Well, the first thing you are going to have to do is find a way to get onto his mind (if you aren’t already on his mind.) Once you are on his mind you can then create the influence you need. You can get on his mind in this case by utilizing two things,

1. Social Media (like Facebook)
2. Mutual Friends

Step Four- Be Interesting Enough

Utilizing social media and mutual friends you can kind of “control the message” that he hears in an effort to influence him. The idea is to have him hear such an interesting bit of information about you that he will have no choice but to contact you because it is that interesting!

How Can You Ask A Question On The Podcast? Asking a question is pretty simple.

You really need two things,

1. An internet connection
2. A microphone or cell phone.

I have partnered with a website called SpeakPipe that basically allows you to leave me a voice mail over the internet.

All you have to do is visit my SpeakPipe page by clicking the link below.

Visit My Page

Once you are there you will be able to record a voice mail and it will be sent to my inbox and I can feature your question on the show!

(Side Note: Mobile Phone users may have to download the free SpeakPipe app to record a message.)

Rules For Recording A Message

• I don’t require your full name just something to call you by. I understand your need for privacy.
• Please no profanity or curse words. We are trying to keep this PG.
• Your message can only be a maximum of 90 seconds.

Hope you enjoyed Episode 2 of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast!

Podcast Transcript Welcome to Episode 2 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I just want to take a moment to thank you for listening to this podcast. It really means the world to me. For everything that you do for this podcast and my website, I have to thank you.

Episode 2 is a very special episode because it’s going to take a look at one of the hardest situations that you can be in with an ex or any kind of relationship. In Episode 1, I explained the format of the podcast. Listeners of Ex-Boyfriend Recovery can call in and ask me a question. I’ll answer it and give a very in-depth game plan.

Today, we’re going to have our very first question. It comes from a woman named Brianna:

“I’m trying to get back together with my ex. It’s been about two months since the breakup. In this time, he has deleted his Facebook, changed his email and changed his phone number. I have no way to contact him. Is there still hope of making it work? I just don’t feel like there’s any way that I can reconnect with him without being able to talk to him.”

Brianna is wondering what to do if you have no way of talking to your ex. She’s been broken up with her boyfriend for two months. He’s deleted his Facebook. He’s changed his email. He’s even gone as far as changing his phone number. She would be right when she said that there’s really no way of getting an ex back if you can’t even talk to him.

I would classify this as a blocking situation where an ex-boyfriend would block you from any form of communication imaginable. I did write a fairly in-depth article on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery on this particular topic. I’m going to link to that article in the show notes. You can go to www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode2.

Brianna’s situation is a relatively hard situation to overcome. But that doesn’t mean you should give up hope. I’ve seen multiple times where an ex has come back and unblocked an ex-girlfriend. I’ve seen a lot of successes in this particular situation.

Obviously, Brianna’s situation is even a step further. Her ex didn’t just block her. Her ex changed his entire Facebook profile, email and phone number. I can understand how she’s feeling. She’s probably feeling a little helpless. Let’s see if we can give her a little help here.

The first thing you want to do in a situation like this is size up the extent of the block that your ex has on you. There are two types of blocks. There is a partial block where your ex-boyfriend might block you from calling but he’s still friends with you on Facebook, Twitter and other social media.

Then you have what’s called a full-out block. A full-out block is a little bit different. This is where your ex-boyfriend is not going to be friends with you on Facebook. He’s not going to be friends with you on Twitter. He’s going to block your phone so that you can’t text or call him. You’re left out to dry with no way of communicating with him at all.

This is what Brianna here is experiencing, but she’s experiencing it at an even deeper level in that her ex isn’t just blocking her. Her ex is flat out ignoring her in every way imaginable, enough to where he’s changing his phone number and email address. He’s deleting his Facebook. This is a really tough situation to be in.

A lot of you may be wondering what would cause an ex-boyfriend to do this. There could be a lot of different reasons that he would want to do something like this. The first one is that he wants revenge on you. Breakups are hard on everyone. There is always a lot of emotion involved, even in breakups that are amicable.

It’s not out of the realm of possibility that he could potentially be trying to get revenge in a weird way. I know that sounds weird but I’ve seen more of that than you can imagine.

Another reason is that it could simply hurt to talk to you. He’s reminded of the past when he talks to you. It hurts him inside because the breakup is painful. His way of coping with it is to push you aside, ignore you for a little bit and remove the temptation of talking to you.

Then there are those situations where the ex really wants to get over you. That’s rarer than you would think.

When you think of a situation where an ex blocks someone, you think, “He’s just trying to get over her. He isn’t really into her anymore.” If you really think about it, if an ex goes through the trouble of blocking you, that means you’re on his mind. That means he’s not over you yet.

While it is possible that an ex could block you just to get over you, it’s also possible that this is not what’s really going on. He may shroud his action with, “I’m trying to get over you.” The fact of the matter is, if he’s blocking you, you’re on his mind. If you’re on his mind, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Here comes the million-dollar question. How often does an ex just, out of the blue, unblock you? You’re going to be shocked to hear this, but it happens more often than you’d think.

Originally, when I wrote an article on an ex blocking you, I would get comments. I was not expecting a lot of success with having exes unblock you. If you look at things on a purely percentage basis, the chances that an ex would unblock you after he’s blocked you doesn’t seem very high. They’re actually higher than you think. I had hundreds, maybe thousands, of women talk to me about their exes unblocking them. They didn’t really do anything but wait.

I started thinking, “What’s going on in an ex’s head to make him do this?” Here is the process that goes through an ex’s head when he unblocks you, free of you doing anything. Usually, what happens after a breakup is that anger is involved. There is a lot of emotion.

They say when emotion runs high, logic runs low. From an emotional standpoint, your ex is more than happy to block you to get revenge. Maybe he is hurting when he talks to you. There could be all sorts of reasons for an ex to block you.

For an ex to unblock you, it’s interesting. Deep down, he still wants to feel admired by you. He kind of still wants you to fawn after him a little bit. There’s no way of him knowing that you could potentially be checking his Facebook profile, texting him or calling him if you’re blocked.

A lot of times, what happens is, in a moment of anger, your ex will block you. But then, once logic starts to set in, he realizes, “I can’t really tell if she’s still into me or missing me if she’s blocked.” What ends up happening is that he’ll unblock you.

What I recommend after a breakup is to go straight into the no contact period. For those of you who are new to the website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery or new to the podcast, the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, I am a huge fan of the no contact rule.

The no contact rule is where you set aside this period of time when you completely ignore your ex-boyfriend. The idea is that it’s supposed to make him miss you more. It’s supposed to raise your value in his eyes. Most importantly, it gives you time to work on yourself. After a breakup, I would recommend doing the no contact rule.

A lot of times after a breakup, a girl can get a little clingy. Clinginess, to a guy, is bad. It’s really bad. If a girl is too clingy, he may block her just because of that. That’s another reason.

When you’re looking at an ex who has blocked you and you’re trying to figure out, “How do I get unblocked?” a lot of times, the answer is time. You just have to wait and they’ll unblock you.

We’re dealing with Brianna’s situation here. She has probably the worst-case scenario, which is why I loved her question. I love tackling these really hard situations. What do you do if an ex has not only blocked you, but he’s changed his phone number? You don’t want to go back to high school days where you’re running between friends and passing notes back and forth. That looks lame. To be honest, it really never works for helping you get an ex back.

What do you do in this hard situation? Believe it or not, there are a few things you can do to get him to unblock you. When I look at a situation where you’re trying to get an ex to unblock you, it all comes down to influence.

Let me explain it this way. If you and I were dating, the only thing that’s going to make me want to keep talking to you is your influence. It’s how much you mean to me. The idea here is to influence your ex-boyfriend enough to want to talk to you.

There are a number of ways to do that, even if he’s blocked you. Just because he’s blocked you doesn’t mean he’s not keeping an eye on you. It means it’s harder for him to keep an eye on you. There are mutual friends between the two of you. In Brianna’s situation, he doesn’t have Facebook.

In more general situations, he could still be checking up on you through Facebook. Technically, Brianna’s boyfriend could be checking up on her on Facebook through one of his friend’s Facebook accounts. I often hear stories of women who go to other women to check their ex-boyfriend’s Facebook profiles because they’ve been unfriended. It’s not like it’s an uncommon thing.

You want to leverage these two factors, social media and mutual friends. Let’s first talk about the social media factors. We’re operating under the assumption that your ex-boyfriend is still keeping an eye on you.

There are a few reasons why we’re operating under this assumption. If he’s blocked you, he’s still thinking about you. That is a positive, in a way. I’m not ever going to say that getting blocked is a good thing. It’s clearly not a good thing. But we’re trying to make the best of a really bad situation here, so bear with me.

What do we do through Facebook? You want to project this persona that life is almost better without him. You don’t want to project that so loudly and obviously. You want to post things to Facebook that are really upbeat and positive. You want to post pictures of you having fun with friends. You can try some jealousy tactics. Maybe go on a friendly hangout with a guy friend but don’t kiss him. You don’t want to lead anyone on when you want your ex-boyfriend back.

I should mention that this is not just for Facebook. This is for all social media where he could potentially be keeping an eye on you. A beautiful thing happens through Facebook. A lot of times, even if he’s not keeping an eye on you, there are mutual friends who are friends with you on Facebook. Let’s say that you are posting really clever things on Facebook, trying to project this happy-go-lucky persona. A mutual friend sees this and relays the information to your ex-boyfriend.

Right there, you were just in your exes mind. You want him to go through this though process of, “Wait, why isn’t she missing me?” In an exes mind, if he’s gone through the trouble of blocking you, he’s probably going to think, “If I do this, she’s going to miss me. She’s going to chase me a lot.” That’s the idea that goes through anyone’s head when they try anything related to the no contact rule or blocking.

While we’re on the subject of mutual friends, you can leverage mutual friends to your advantage if your ex does a full-out block on you, like Brianna’s ex-boyfriend did. What is the most beautiful thing about human beings? It’s the fact that they talk. They gossip so much. You’re going to leverage this fact to your advantage through the mutual friends that you and your ex-boyfriend have.

Before I get into that, I want to talk about the strategies that go with using a mutual friend to your advantage. The main goal that we’re trying to accomplish at this point isn’t just to try to get your ex-boyfriend back. That’s an even more complex process.

This is just to get on speaking terms again. In order for that to happen, you have to get him to unblock you. With that in mind, you have to find some way of influencing your ex or at least getting back into his mind in some way, shape or form. If he’s blocking you, while you may be on his mind, if you can do something extra to push him further towards unblocking you, that would be great.

You want to find a way to get your mutual friends to talk to your ex about you without you prompting them to do so. In order to do that, you have to operate under a few assumptions. We’re going to operate under the assumption that people are talkers and that, if you do talk about your ex to this friend, it will somehow get around to the ex.

In a way, if you can control the information that goes to him, it’s never great passing notes back and forth between class and using someone to mediate that, but you’re forced to do that in a bad situation. Why not do our best to control the message that goes to your ex?

You’re probably sitting there wondering, “What kind of message should go to my ex?” It’s a very good question. The message that you want to go to your ex is that you are doing great after the breakup, but you’re mysterious about it. You’re not talking about it a lot. It’s not devastating to you. You obviously miss him. You want to play it cool but add enough mystery to the conversation between you and the mutual friend so that it’s worth enough to report to the ex.

There are a couple of ways to accomplish this. Let’s do a little role playing here. For those of you who read my website a lot, you know that I love doing role playing. I think people learn better when you give them examples.

Let’s say that you are talking to a mutual friend. You happen to slip up and tell your mutual friend that you went on an incredible vacation to Cabo San Lucas. It’s a tropical, beautiful place in Mexico. That might be worthy enough for that mutual friend to report to the ex. He might say, “Hey man. What’s up? You’re not going to believe, I just talked to Brianna. She told me that she went on this incredible vacation to Cabo San Lucas.”

That’s going to do a few things to your ex. Number one, he’s going to get a little jealous because you went to Cabo San Lucas. Number two, you’re going to be on his mind. It might be enough to push him to unblock you. I know many of you may look at that as grasping at straws. It’s better than nothing.

The biggest thing that you can use on your side is time. Given enough time, your ex will most likely unblock you. In the unfortunate instance where he doesn’t unblock you, that’s okay. He wasn’t the right guy for you. You can move on. You’ll survive. My site can help you for that, too.

For those of you who listened to Episode 1 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, I’m letting visitors call in. I’m going to be answering their questions. I’m also going to be giving them a specific game plan to follow at the end of every episode. I’m going to make that game plan live for everyone in the show notes. You can go to www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode2 to find the game plan.

Here’s my game plan for Brianna. The first point that I want her to take home is, understand that time is her best offense for getting him to unblock her. In my experience, I’ve seen that it takes time for exes to do this. Again, this is a tough situation to navigate.

Sometimes an ex won’t respond with time. You’ll have to do certain things to almost influence him to unblock you. That’s the second point that I want to make. You need to interest him enough to want to unblock you. There are certain ways that you can do this.

Point three is to find a way to influence him enough to want to talk to you. For example, if you talk to a mutual friend and let it slip that you went on this amazing vacation, then that mutual friend is probably going to let it slip to your ex. He’s going to be kind of curious. You’re going to be in his head. That’s exactly where you want to be. It’s like a seed. It’s like an idea.

He’s going to start thinking, “Wait, she went on a vacation? She had fun without me.” Then it’s going to grow from there until he might want to unblock you. He might say, “Hey, I heard you went on vacation.” Then it goes from there.

That’s the game plan for getting an ex to unblock you, or in Brianna’s case, getting an ex to contact her again. If you’re interested in learning more about how to get an ex-boyfriend back, please visit my website and check out my ebook, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. I’ll see you for Episode 3 tomorrow. Thanks.

The post EBR 002: What To Do If You Have No Way Of Talking To Your Ex first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

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Welcome to the first episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast!

I hope you are as excited as I am .

For those of you who don’t know what a podcast is it is basically like I am creating my own radio show and you will be able to download it FOR FREE directly from sources like iTunes, SoundCloud and Stitcher!

Oh, and of course how could I forget the site…

Yes, you will be able to listen, download and subscribe to The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast through Ex Boyfriend Recovery itself.

(I have already posted the very first episode below. Just click the play icon to hear the first episode.)

Now, the first episode is just an introductory episode where I will be talking to you about what you can expect from this Podcast in the future.

Just for your reference I have created a few cliff-notes for you below,

What I Talk About In This Episode * What Forced Me To Do The Podcast (Hint Hint… Your Comments, Emails and Messages.) * My Vision For This Podcast * My Credentials… (Basically Why You Should Listen To Me Over Anyone Else.) * How This Podcast Will Be Structured (I Will Go Over That Below In More Detail.) * Tomorrows Episode!

Is This Process A Waste Of Your Time? Find Out Here

Important Links I Mentioned In This Episode * Ex Boyfriend Recovery * Success Stories * Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO (My E-Book.) * My Speakpipe Page (Where you can leave me a voice mail over the internet.) * Email between me and the girl who cheated on her ex boyfriend and eventually got him to propose (see below.)

How The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast Will Work Below I have created a graphic that is going to outline exactly how this podcast will work.

I hope you are as excited as I am about this.

Does this make sense to you?

Ok, so basically there are 8 steps on how this podcast will work.

(I will go over the steps below for you.)

Step One- Identify Your Question

Getting an ex back is a very complex process and you have are bound to have a lot of questions. Figure out which question about your ex (or just relationships in general) you would like to ask me. Once you have a good question picked out you can move on to step two.

Step Two- Visit My SpeakPipe Page

You can find my SpeakPipe page here,

Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast SpeakPipe Page

Step Three- Record Your Question To Me

SpeakPipe is basically an online voicemail where I can listen to your questions and feature them on the podcast.

Make sure you record your message to me.

Step Four- I Will Listen To Your Question

I am always checking my SpeakPipe page for new questions to feature so eventually I will listen to your question which leads us to step five!

Step Five- If Your Question Is Good Enough I Will Pick It

Pretty simple!

If I like your question or think the readers of Ex Boyfriend Recovery can get something out of it or learn from it I will pick it to feature on the Podcast.

Step Six- If I Pick Your Question I Will Then Record It

If I pick your question then I will feature it on The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.

(Don’t worry though, you don’t have to give me your full name or anything like that. I respect your privacy.)

Of course, if I do pick your question to record you will be subject to our terms and conditions here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

Step Seven- I Will Answer Your Question

If I am featuring your question on the Podcast then that means I am going to answer your question in a super in-depth manner.

In other words, it is going to be like you hired me to get your ex back or help your relationship (for free.)

Step Eight- I Will Create A Game Plan For Your Specific Situation

One thing I have learned here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery is the fact that no two situations are ever alike.

It is for this reason that I will create a game plan for you to follow for your specific situation and make it live for everyone to see so others who are in a similar situation as you can also get something out of it.

Podcast Transcript Welcome to Episode 1 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I can’t be more excited because I have been wanting to do a podcast for about a year and a half now. Now that it’s finally come to fruition, I’m overjoyed with excitement. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for listening.

You may be asking yourself why I am doing this podcast. The truth of the matter is, I’ve failed you. Look, I get it. I know I don’t do the greatest job in the world at answering comments like the way that I used to.

When I first started the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery website, I would get maybe five to ten comments, emails or Facebook messages a day. I would be able to establish this one-on-one connection with my readers. It’s the one-on-one connection that I’ve lost, due to the sheer amount of popularity and volume of comments that I have now with Ex-Boyfriend Recovery.

This podcast is my way of reestablishing that one-on-one rapport that I used to have with you ladies. It is something that I dearly miss. I can’t answer everyone all the time now, and it kills me inside.

I know my brand and reputation is being hurt because I can’t answer everyone the way that they deserve to be answered. My hopes for this podcast is that it finds people and answers every single question they have about relationships, getting your ex back or simply about getting over your ex, if that’s the case.

My goal here is to create a library of information that you can rely on. It’s your safety net. Any situation that you can think about with your ex or men in general, it’s my goal to create content here through this podcast that you can continually reference.

For example, let’s say that you cheated on your ex-boyfriend and you want to get him back. I’ll create an episode on what to do in that particular situation, where you cheated on your ex-boyfriend and you’re trying to get him back. I’ll be giving in-depth answers and game plans that you can follow to potentially maximize your chances of winning your ex back.

Like I said, I want to do this on a large scale where any situation you can think of is covered. It’s going to take some time. It’s not going to happen overnight. I’m going to continually try to create this content as well as create content for Ex-Boyfriend Recovery.

A lot of the readers come through there. In a year or so, I’m pretty sure that this podcast is going to be a force to be reckoned with. It’s all going to be for you. It’s going to be your answer for any question that you have about men, your ex or relationships in general. You’ll get my take, and I know a thing or two.

If you don’t know who I am, my name is Chris Seiter. I am the Creator and Founder of Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, a very large website in the “get your ex back” niche. It’s evolved past that now. It’s more of a community. I have what I like to call the “Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Nation.”

It’s a community of women who come together to look at my advice, help each other out and try to maximize their chances of getting their exes back. Like I said, it evolved. It’s not just about exes anymore. It’s about relationships in general.

If I were you and I was looking to get my ex back—I’m assuming that most listeners here are trying to get their ex back—I’d want to listen to someone who knew what they were talking about. I’d want someone with a track record of success.

Allow me to give you my resume on why you should listen to me over my competition. My name is Chris Seiter and I am an ex recovery expert. I run a very large blog in the ex recovery niche called Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. As of last week, I’ve had over four million people visit my blog and use the strategies that I teach to get their exes back. I’ve had thousands of women successfully get their exes back. If you need more information on that, you can check the success stories that I have posted on the site.

There is one thing that’s going to set me apart from everyone else. I hired a voice talent for the intro. His name is Scotty. He’s a great guy. When he was introducing the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, he said, “We’re going to help you get your ex back and get the fairytale ending you deserve.” For me, it’s not just about getting your ex back. It’s also about what happens after you get him back.

Most of the ex experts out there do want to help you get your ex back, but they don’t really give a crap about what happens after you get him back. I do. I’m all about monogamy. I’m all about having a successful, long-lasting relationship. I’ve had women who have used my strategies and not only gotten their exes back but gotten their exes to propose to them.

There is a woman who came to my website. She bought my book that lays out the strategies on how to get your ex-boyfriend back. Thirty days after implementing my strategies, her ex married her. That’s not even the craziest story.

The craziest situation that I’ve ever encountered is one where a girl had come to my website and bought my book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. She was looking for information on how to get her ex back because she cheated on him. Arguably, that is probably the hardest situation to recover from. It’s the hardest situation to have success with.

She read my strategies. She implemented them, brilliantly, I might add. Thirty days later, she got her ex back and got her ex to propose to her. I will be posting this episode on the blog. Under this episode, I’ll put something that I like to call “show notes.” It’s things that I talk about during the show. I’m going to post the emails that I received from this girl who got her ex back after she cheated on him.

Those are my credentials. I own a large relationship website, specifically geared towards helping you get your ex back. I’ve had multiple success stories. I’m all about long-lasting relationships.

Success, to me, isn’t just helping you get your ex back. It’s helping you get your ex back and creating a long-lasting relationship. It’s about having that fairytale ending that you do deserve.

This podcast is going to be structured in a very unique way. I’m trying to create a library of information that you can continually listen to in order to learn more about what to do in your specific situation. For the first time, I’m going to be handing the microphone over to you. I’m going to allow my listeners and readers of the blog to call in and ask me a question. I will dissect their situation. I will come up with specific game plans for that situation.

Let’s say someone called in because their ex-boyfriend blocked them from every form of communication imaginable. The ex-boyfriend blocked this girl from social media, email, texting and phone calls. Basically, this girl has no way of communicating with her ex at all. I’m going to show you exactly what you need to do in that situation to raise your chances to get your ex back.

I’m not going to beat around the bush. If I think the situation is hopeless or it doesn’t have a good chance of succeeding, I’m going to tell you. I’m not going to jerk you around and try to get your money. If a situation is helpless, I’m going to tell you.

That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying to help you. I will try to help you in a helpless situation. I’ll just tell you ahead of time, “Look, this is a situation where I’ve not seen a lot of success.”

The way this podcast is going to be structured is that I’m going to allow visitors to leave me a message over the internet using an application called SpeakPipe. You can find the show notes of this episode at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode1.

You will be able to send me a message through an internet application called SpeakPipe. If you’re using a mobile phone, you may have to download the mobile application. It’s a free application. You will be able to send me a message online.

Most of the show episodes are going to be like that. I am going to be answering questions from you guys and trying to help you out in the best way that I possibly can.

There will also be some unique twists to this podcast. If I find someone with high credentials, like a psychology professor who has really interesting reverse psychology tricks on how to get your ex back, I’m going to feature them on this podcast. I’m going to interview them for you.

I’m going to try to interview people who have had successful stories. I’m going to try to interview people who have not gotten their exes back. I’m going to try to provide as much value as I possibly can.

Most of the podcast will be featured around you. I’m going to be looking at your situations one-on-one and creating a game plan for you on what to do in that particular situation. If you’re trying to get your ex back, it’s a very complex process.

I write blog posts for Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. Let’s use the blocking situation. I’ll write a blog post about how to get your ex back if he’s blocked you from every form of communication imaginable.

I’ll get about 500 words in and make a point like, “You can’t force your ex to unblock you. What you can do is influence him enough to maybe get him to unblock you.” Once I write that article, I might think, “This brings up another question.” Then I’ll have to write about that. There are these complexities that go along with getting your ex back. There are millions of them.

My goal with this podcast is to tackle every single one so that you have a wealth of information to tap into. You can successfully raise your chances at getting your ex back.

The cool twist is that I’m going to be giving people in these situations a game plan. Let’s say that you, the visitor, come to my website and you leave me a message through the SpeakPipe app, that will be featured in the show notes of this podcast episode.

I decide to feature your question on the podcast and answer it. In addition to answering it in a very in-depth manor, I will also create a specific game plan for you to follow. I’m going to post that game plan so that it’s live for everyone to see.

If someone has a similar situation as you, they’ll be able to look at that game plan and follow it. It’s my way of establishing that one-on-one connection with my listeners on a more intimate level. It’s something I feel I’ve sorely been lacking through the years here. This podcast is my way of correcting it.

That’s going to be the structure of this podcast. This is the introductory episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. This is the “what to expect.”

Tomorrow, I will be featuring the very first episode. It’s going to be an interesting question about blocking. The example that I posed earlier was an actual question that I got from a reader.

Tomorrow I will be featuring what to do if your ex-boyfriend blocks you.

I’m going to try to post these podcasts as many times a week as I possibly can. I can’t promise that I’m going to post them every day, but that is what I’m shooting for.

I will see you tomorrow. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. If you need to learn more about getting your ex back or need any help, I highly recommend that you visit my website, www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com. See you later.

The post EBR 001: What To Expect From The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.