Episode 2: Dealing With A Complainer
TRANSCRIPT:
Seriously? You teach people to stop complaining? Boy, do I know someone I’d like to send to you!
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Hello! I’m Cianna Stewart, founder of the No Complaining Project. I define complaining as expressing grief, pain, or discontent without contributing to solving the problem. Many of us complain as an unconscious habit, and it’s hurting us and the people around us in more ways than we realize. My goal is to share tools and information to support you in changing your life and improving your relationships by shifting from complaining to taking action. Quitting complaining seems simple, but it goes deep, and once you stop, you’ll never want to start again. I hope you’ll join me in Going NoCo - NoCo for No Complaining. Your world will look different if you do.
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When I tell people that I run a thing called the “No Complaining Project,” almost every time, the first thing that somebody says is something along the lines of, "Oh my gosh, can you help me with so-and-so?" Or, "How can I deal with this person in my life who is such a complainer?"
When you saw the name of this podcast, did someone come to mind for you ? If so, that’s not surprising. We live in a complaining culture. It’s the norm to hear people complaining about their jobs, their spouses, their kids, their parents, their bodies, the media, politics, food, the weather, what’s on TV, being bored… you name it, people complain about it!
But the overall state of our culture is not what what I’m going to talk about today. I want to bring it closer to home, back to how you can deal with having a complainer in your life.
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Even though we hear complaints all around us, some bother us more than others, and hearing some particular people complaining is harder to take than others.
So, why is it that listening to that one person complaining gets to you? The usual response is that you’re “tired” of it. What does that actually mean?
Being “tired” of listening to someone’s complaining is usually an indicator of your own frustration with the situation. Maybe in the past you’ve tried to help this person solve the problems that they complain about and your efforts were rejected. Maybe you tried several times and eventually gave up, or were shut down, or maybe they got angry with you for trying.
What’s underneath that frustration, that “feeling tired,” in most situations, it’s because you care about the person that’s complaining and that listening to them complain affects your own mood or — if it’s really bad — it can even affect how you feel about them, causing you to unconsciously defend yourself by caring about their suffering a little bit less.
Sometimes, you don’t have strong feelings for the complainer, but you are feeling care for yourself. Maybe you feel trapped, and experience your own suffering about having to listen to those complaints, the content of the complaints, the tone that the complainer is using, or some combination.
It would be easy to fall into the trap of complaining about the complainer. Maybe you already have in the past. But that won’t change the situation. Today I’m going to share a few problem-solving techniques to support you taking action so that you don’t feel stuck.
I will warn you that doing this — taking action on complaining — is going against the grain. Remember, ours is a complaining culture. So, this can feel awkward or really risky. Some people may feel criticized or embarrassed if you don’t handle this carefully. I’m going to offer a variety of options so you can choose what feels right for you in your situation. Just know that it will probably take a bit of effort and vulnerability on your part, so be kind to yourself.
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Simply put, this person’s complaining is a problem for your life. So I’m going to use a problem solving framework. In problem solving, there are three options: You can try to change the situation, you can walk away, or you can accept it.
We always start by seeing if you can change the situation. Because I’m assuming that you care about this person, the goal of these techniques is to alter the complaining behavior while preserving your relationship with them.
The first is what I call creating “NoCo Zones.” NoCo for no complaining. This means setting up certain times of the day, certain locations or certain activities during which everyone is prohibited from complaining. Now, to achieve this, you’re going to have to get some buy-in, and it's certainly easier in situations where you’re in a role that you can actually dictate other people's behaviors, such as being a manager in an office or a teacher in a school or a parent in a home or the driver in a car. These are all situations in which the structure is such that people are supposed to listen to the rules that you have laid down (whether or not they do) but you have the authority to impose certain rules.
You should start by explaining that Going NoCo is not just about holding back from saying negative things, that it's actually about changing from just complaining about a situation to trying to solve the problem and take action on it. This means that people can express their concerns in an effort to find solutions, and get others’ input or help.
When you create a NoCo Zone, you want to get specific. At home, for example, you can declare that there will be no complaining at the dinner table, or when everyone first comes home from work or school or whatever, or for the first two hours of the morning after waking up.
If you're in an office, you can designate the break room or certain meetings as NoCo Zones. Or you could just declare a personal NoCo zone around your desk or workspace.
To help remind people, I recommend putting up a sign of some kind on the wall or, if it’s a temporary zone, setting up a little sign that can come on and off a table. To make that easy, I have printable NoCo signs you can download for free on my website, gonoco.com, complete with the definition and our cute logo.
Before you get all crazy declaring NoCo Zones everywhere, here’s something to keep in mind: For this to work, you also have to empower others to be able to point out when you’re complaining. It's not a one-way-only situation. This is not something where you get to set a rule but don't have to follow it. You also have to be ready to get some honest feedback. I know that you might not complain much. Then again, you might complain more than you think. Complaining is so common it’s an unconscious habit - and the definition of an unconscious habit is we don't know when we're doing it. Other people can be super useful and helpful in letting us recognize our own behaviors so that we can learn and grow. Consider it an opportunity.
I have a great story about this. A single mom asked me what she could do about her two kids. They were both elementary school age and she was being driven crazy by all their complaining. I told her about NoCo Zones and she got really excited. She thought it might be hard to get them to follow this rule, but she was willing to give it a try because she was totally exhausted with the day in day out griping. I ran into her about a year later and she was eager to tell me what happened. She had decided to make a NoCo Zone from when they got home until the end of dinner. When she told her kids about this, she braced herself for them to, well, complain about it. But instead, she was surprised because the kids were really happy and enthusiastic about having a NoCo Zone. It turns out that they were sick of hearing their mom complain! She didn’t even realize how much she was complaining until she did this. She wasn’t just griping at her kids, she would also complain to her friends on the phone and the kids would hear that, too. One of the boys ended up liking it so much he told his fourth-grade class about it and they started having NoCo Zones in their classroom, too.
So be prepared. Once you've created a NoCo Zone, be ready and willing to learn more about your own behavior.
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Of course, a different approach is necessary when you’re dealing with someone who’s more of a peer, like a friend or a relative or a coworker, some situation where you’re not authorized to declare rules to control their behavior.
For this technique, I’m going to assume that one of the reasons you’re listening to this podcast is to deal with your own negativity, that you have an intention of Going NoCo.
So when you’re talking with your complain-y friend, let them know you have decided to Go NoCo, that you recognize your own complaining habits, and to ask them for their help. Explain to them that you’ve decided not to participate in conversations which center on complaining and which trigger your own desires to complain, that if that happens, you’re just going to have to bow out.
Of course here, again, you’re going to have to be prepared to hear feedback about your complaining. It’s a great thing in the long run, but it can be hard to hear in the moment.
This technique certainly isn't quite as direct as declaring NoCo Zones, and it may not change their behavior overall, but it can relieve you from having to listen to their complaints. And it can certainly feel more possible when you're dealing with somebody who is more in a peer level relationship with you.
Also, if they do get into it, it can really help in your own NoCo practice. All of this is so much easier when you’re doing it together with another person.
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I always place a lot of focus on the first step in problem solving — trying to change the situation — because that’s the big one, and it’s usually better than the second option: walking away.
When you’re dealing with a complainer, what “walking away” looks like is choosing to redirect the conversation or simply not participating. This was something that I actually did a lot when I was first trying to stop complaining. Since I was working on my own habit, I would simply not join in on conversations where there was a lot of complaining and that felt a lot easier for me than speaking up and potentially upsetting someone. Sometimes, though, I would actually have to leave if the conversation turned into what I call a “complaint spiral,” with people just piling on one after the other. The same still holds true now when I’m around someone who complains a lot: Sometimes I try to change the conversation, and sometimes I just have to leave.
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In the most extreme situation, if you feel like you’ve tried everything, or you realize that the core basis of your relationship with this person is sharing complaints, it can be necessary to actually end the relationship. That's never an easy thing to do, but there are some relationships which are simply not healthy for you. So actually walking away can be an option, although it's never one that any of us want to take.
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Of course, there are some relationships you can’t just leave. So then we go to the third option. When you can't change it and you can’t walk away, it’s time to figure out how you can accept it. This means doing an internal shift, changing how the complaining is affecting you. Knowing that you’ll continue to hear the complaining, how can you soften its impact on you?
One of the things that I found most helpful for this is to build on the fact that I care about this person and to engage in my compassion for them. I remind myself that they are complaining because they are experiencing pain of some kind. And I ask myself: How can I shift my focus from their words to the underlying source of that pain? What is the emotion that's driving them to complain? What is the thing that is both causing the discomfort in the first place and also causing them to choose to express it to me?
The more that I can focus on this, the more that my heart softens around the complaint, and I can just hear it as an expression of pain. I tap into my feelings of caring about the person, and I can respond to the source of the pain as opposed to the surface symptom of the complaint. I find that this often fundamentally transforms my experience of listening to them and makes it easier for me to be there with them, and to hear their complaints.
In addition to this, it’s important to include having compassion for yourself. Take note why that complaint is bothering you. What are you wishing for that’s not happening? Are you feeling disappointment about that? Or is there another feeling getting triggered when you listen to their complaints? And is there some reason that this particular person, this relationship or this complaint actually triggers a more painful response in you than listening to other people complain?
It’s important to take some time to recognize the distress that you're experiencing while you're listening to their complaints. That difficulty is real. It can be hard. And it can be especially hard if you realize that their complaining causes you to close your heart a little in self-protection. To turn away from someone that you care about is its own pain.
Having compassion for yourself can mean recognizing that this is real pain and forgiving yourself for getting upset when you feel it.
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To sum all of that up: Remember that when you are dealing with a complainer, try to take a problem-solving approach. Whether you create NoCo Zones or ask for their help in your own NoCo practice, you’re choosing to try to change the situation for the better. And sometimes you simply have to stop having those conversations with that person, or — if you must have those conversations — then it’s valuable to find a way to come to peace within yourself and get grounded in your own sense of compassion and empathy. They make it hard to hear this person complain, but they’re pretty important and you don’t want to give them up.
I’ll admit this is not easy. I’ve had my share of sacrificing relationships when I realized just how unhealthy they were for me. On the other hand, I’ve also experienced having some relationships get stronger and way better when we both committed to dealing with problems instead of just complaining about them. Of course, your mileage may vary, but I’ve found that doing this is absolutely worth it.
I wish you the best in your efforts. Please let me know how it goes.
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Thank you for choosing the podcast for the No Complaining Project.
It was written, recorded, and edited by me, Cianna Stewart.
All our music is by the multi-talented Daniel Berkman. Find him on Bandcamp.
The transcript is in the show notes, and you can find more tips and links to my book at GoNoCo.com. That’s G-O-N-O-C-O.com.
Thank you for giving the gift of No Complaining to yourself and to the people around you.
Until next time, Go NoCo!
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