It's December 2022. I've finally revealed to the world why I, Andrew Luck, left football. 

What I didn't tell ESPN is that not only did I suffer great mental and physical trauma while I was playing, but that I also suffered great trauma at the hands of the god-forsaken members of the PMFL Podcast. Those toe-sucking, froggy-styling sons of bitches have made me look like a foolish twat and have also killed my love of finger painting...something which used to be near and dear to my heart. Whenever I see my dear daughter drawing with her hands, I think of those PMFL bastards, and I feel sick to my stomach. 

I can't even walk the lonely halls of my failed art-studio without that heinous sculpture of a man named Matt Fujii, pissing himself, glaring down in a mocking sort of way. "Look at me" he scoffs "I can still use my Johnson, I'm not dealing with Cock-Fright Stiffness". 

The Jester's of the PMFL have made a mockery of Andrew Luck for too long. I am now seeking therapy, and while I can say that I am getting better, there is still lots of mending to be done. To let you know that there is still great pain in my life and in my heart, I will sing you a special rendition of a famous Christmas song near and dear to everyone...