Let’s face it; relationships bring up all our stuff, and there is no one more annoying in the whole world than the person you love the most.

Navigating relationships with high–functioning anxiety is hard, not only for us, but for our partner too!

Stress, anxiety, low self-esteem and trauma can hijack our emotions, while feeling anxious and on edge can mean we’re more likely to get triggered.

If you’re busy and tired (and let’s be honest, who isn’t) it’s easy to lose your temper, experience dips in your mood and get into arguments.

I’ve been with my partner for 13 years, and the first 3 years were hell because of my anxiety. We’ve seen FIVE different relationship therapists, and I’ve read countless books. These days, we’re in a MUCH better place, and we rarely argue (even with a 6-month-old in tow).

Below I’m sharing my top tips for navigating relationships with high-functioning anxiety.

Clear and kind communicationIt used to feel like groundhog day in my house, having the same argument repeatedly. If it wasn’t about who emptied the dishwasher (usually me), it was about taking about the bins (usually me, again). It was only when I changed my communication approach that things changed. The following is based on Michael Rosenburg’s ‘Non-Violent Communication’ (crap name, brilliant concept). First, you make an observation and state only the facts; ‘I’ve emptied the dishwasher every day this week’. This is much better than my usual refrain of ‘You NEVER empty the dishwasher, you bas*ard!’

Then you talk about how the situation makes you feel. You don’t say, ‘you make me feel angry!’ Instead, you say, ‘I’m feeling overwhelmed right now’.

Then, you make a request. For example, ‘Would you be able to empty the dishwasher on alternate days, please?’

To summarise: Make an observation, state how you feel and make a request.

According to Rosenburg, this communication method is cleaner and expresses things in a way that doesn’t trigger the other person’s defences, making you more likely to get your needs met.

Another essential thing to remember is our tone. If you ask for things in a grumpy or snappy manner (I have a tendency to do this), it will often trigger the other person’s defences, and you’re unlikely to get your needs met.

In the classic relationship book, Getting the Love You Want, Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen Hunt recommend saying things in a light and friendly way.

I know it’s not easy when you’re pissed off.

But trust me when I tell you, you’re 1000x more likely to elicit a positive response when you ask for things in a pleasant voice!

Don’t discuss issues when you’re in a low moodThis tip comes from one of my favourite relationship books, The Relationship Handbook by George Pranski. When you’re in a low mood, it skews your perception of everything. You’re wearing your gloomy glasses, and the whole relationship can have a negative slant. Being in a highly emotional state means we can’t make good decisions.

So don’t sit down for a serious talk when you’re feeling rubbish or triggered.

It might be that you’re just tired, hungry or having a bad day. Wait for the mood to pass before raising issues or making any decisions. It’s also important to remember that moods pass (I’m not talking about clinical depression here), even though it can seem like it will last forever when we’re in a bad mood. Wait for the dark clouds to clear and save the big discussions for when you’re in a more resourceful state.

Have a family meetingMy slightly anxious and controlling need to ‘get things done’ and ‘be organised’ can mean I ambush my partner with requests throughout the day. Asking Aidan to put something in the loft when he’s just about to get on a Zoom call, or letting him know I’m craving more quality time with him while we rush out the door to go and see his parents, never goes well. Bringing up issues or making requests on the fly can make the other person feel ambushed or overwhelmed.

Enter: the family meeting.

Since having regular meetings to discuss big and minor issues, we’ve resolved more things with less stress. We create the time and space to sit down, discuss things, and make decisions and an action plan.

No one feels ambushed or overwhelmed because they’re in the middle of something else. And we schedule a time to do things in the meeting, like putting things in the loft or spending more time together.

Love,

Chloe x

PS. Feel calmer, less pressured and more present in 10 minutes a day (guaranteed) with The Hypnotherapy Pack.The post Navigating Relationships with High-Functioning Anxiety appeared first on Calmer you.