What you actually need to know about attachment styles.
Attachment theory is almost everywhere. In magazines and books, in the news, on social media and in our conversations with each other.
Originally rooted in developmental psychology, the theory explains how we form and maintain close relationships in order to survive and thrive in the environment we are born into. It was quickly picked up not only by pop culture but also by social psychology, psychotherapy, psychiatry as well as child welfare practice.
But some of the most important features of attachment theory are getting lost in translation. Misunderstandings are leading people to believe they have a “bad” attachment type that is wreaking havoc on their relationships.
Attachment theory is not a gauge of whether someone has the “wrong” or “right” attachment type. Its purpose is to help people understand what coping strategies they use when the people they are closest to are, or are perceived to be, unavailable or inconsistently responsive.
When psychologist John Bowlby developed attachment theory about 70 years ago, he had two goals in mind. He wanted to create language that can be used to scientifically formulate and test hypotheses. It worked: hundreds of studies have since been carried out exploring the many facets of attachment across the human lifetime.
Bowlby also wanted to develop a language that appealed to the public: evocative and relatable. Attachment theory soon became the talk of the town and was picked up by other scientists, practitioners, politicians, lawyers and parents. It gave people a new way to understand infant-parent and adult relationships with friends, family and romantic partners. Unfortunately, the meaning has been diluted.
What attachment theory means
The confusion starts with the term attachment itself. It is often understood by the public to mean a child’s love for their parent or the bond a parent forms with their child. People also use attachment to describe how adults relate to and interact with others.
In attachment theory attachment refers to a more selective type of relationship in which only a few people are sources of support. A parent does not become attached to their baby but acts as the infant’s caregiver and attachment figure.
Their caregiving may nonetheless be influenced by their own attachment type. As adults, we only become attached to a limited number of people although our attachment type in close relationships also tends to reveal itself during our social interactions with friends, colleagues, acquaintances and even strangers.
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