Pace Smith: Recent Episodes
Pace Smith
In keeping with my annual tradition (2024, 2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
In January, I friend-broke-up with Amanda because she took Kye’s side in the divorce. I met a cool person named Alecia. I studied for and passed the AWS Solutions Architect – Associate exam, because all the job postings I was seeing wanted AWS skills. And I wrote a creepy, short (600-word) sci-fi/horror story inspired by Severance, called Pattern Interrupt.
In February, I did a bunch of job hunting and acquired some weird skin condition. It’s not contagious, but it makes me break out in itchy rashes that keep me up at night about 2-3 times a week. It makes my life significantly worse.
In March, I did a bunch of job hunting and worked on RhymeCrime a bunch to sharpen my Ruby skillz and flesh out my portfolio.
In April, I did a bunch of job hunting, dated a Franciscan friar, and wrote a short (900-word) sci-fi story inspired by The OA and Sword Art Online, called We’re Missing Something.
In May, I got a job at Later! Final job hunt statistics:
- 273 applications
- 7 first interviews
- 3 second interviews
- 2 third interviews
- 1 fourth interview
- 1 fifth interview
- 1 sixth interview
- 1 job
In June, Rope Club fizzled out.
In July, I asked Citadel to move out because I wanted Benedicta to move in. Also, I achieved a once-in-a-lifetime feat: I casually tossed an ice cube into the sink and it went “floop”… because it hit the rubber bit of the garbage disposal and no metal
In August, maddi came to visit for a few days. I saw a dermatologist about my itchy rash. She was worse than useless; she didn’t help but did misgender me.
In September, Kerri returned home from her summer of motorcycle adventures. I finally moved my website to paceheart.com. Pyre and Wren came to visit; we played Blue Prince and Abiotic Factor, and watched Kevin Can Fuck Himself.
In October, I had a mostly useless dermatologist followup. The itching continues. Kerri and I failed to go to Meow Wolf. I started dating Lulu/Moss, and Benedicta moved in!
In November, Citadel moved out, two of my friends/exes didn’t get married, and I saw a dog garage! I started playing Beat Saber again; I was ranked 6200nd and I set a goal of making it into the top 6000 by the end of the year. Last but not least, I edited and published a document about my and others’ experiences in Living Love Revolution, that Aphrodite Temple group I joined and escaped in 2023 after realizing the toxic, cult-like power dynamics and the narcissistic behavior patterns of the leader, Teri Ciacchi. Feathers were ruffled.
In December, Skyline came to visit and we learned that people with ADHD, if they’re not on stimulants, can smell ants. I achieved my Beat Saber goal!
Also, I finally started to worry about AI. Previously, my rebuttal was that AIs didn’t do anything, they just answered questions. Sure, they can manipulate people to some extent, but if the questions are coming from a human then there’s only so much manipulation that can occur. But with the rise of AI agents, now there are oodles of LLMs doing things with little to no human supervision and woefully insufficient safeguards. LLMs are black boxes; we don’t (and can’t!) understand why they do what they do. We’re basically summoning demons (daemons?) and naively hoping that our dinky little chalk circles will be enough to protect us. We desperately need something like Cyc.My second-favorite video game was Clair Obscur: Expedition 33, and my fave was Blue Prince. My favorite visual media was Pantheon, Dispatches From Elsewhere, and The Orville.
My word for the year was “nourish”: caring for both my present self and my future self. In particular, I had 3 areas I intended to nourish in 2025:
- work
- adulting
- making my love+sex life even better
I rocked 2.5 out of 3 of those.
-
I started 2025 unemployed, and there were days when I felt hopeless and couldn’t motivate myself to do anything. But then there were other days when I searched for jobs, asked for help, and figured out what to do differently. It’s been 25 years since I job hunted, and I did it! I’m getting better at remembering that the hopelessness is temporary.
-
I did a good job of adulting! (and I intend to do even better next year)
-
Fuck yeah
-
I fought two good fights against narcissists and their splash damage: Teri and a friend of a friend who picked up some tricks from their narcissistic parent. That wasn’t even on the list!
I seriously considered making my 2026 word of the year “dermatology” because omg I have got to fix this constant itching oh please make it stop
But no – my word of the year for 2026 is dashboard. Someone once compared life with ADHD to riding a bike down a really steep hill. In 2026, I’m going to create a pit stop for that bike. I’ll pull all my to-do and could-do items into one dashboard, and then create a system and a process to check it frequently. This is going to help me feel (and be!) on top of my life instead of constantly behind and free falling. I might even end up with a system that’ll be useful to others, too!
In keeping with my annual tradition (2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
My favorite games of the year were:
- In Stars and Time (heartrending time loop)
- Abiotic Factor (the creepiest game I’ve ever played)
- Ultros (psychedelic gardening network admin time loop metroidvania)
- OneShot (meta)
- Noita (secrets within secrets)
By far my favorite visual media of the year was I Saw The TV Glow. I also enjoyed She-Ra, Kevin Can Fuck Himself, Scavengers Reign, and It Follows.
I achieved my Beat Saber goal for the year; I’m now in the top 7000 worldwide!
In February, I went to TX to visit Lyra (my kid), and had a game night with their whole polycule.
In March, I took an online intro to quantum physics course. Here’s my first Feynman diagram (:
p + π+ → Δ++In April, Emma came to visit, and we traded Masterhearts.
In June, a squirrel got into the Love Shack wall and bit/clawed its way out through the drywall! I foamed the shit out of all the places critters could possibly get in, and the Love Shack has since been squirrel-free.
The Squirrels Have Been Sealedhttps://paceheart.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/the_squirrels_have_been_sealed-1.mp3 In July, I almost got arrested trying to meet up with Kerri while she was doing a motorcycle scavenger hunt. Later, we went on a 4-day romantic getaway to a cabin at the foot of the Cascades (with a hot tub!) and it was absolutely lovely.
In August, I went to Disneyland with Kerri, had an awesome time, and got Covid. I quarantined at her place (she was out of town) to avoid infecting Citadel.
In September, I started looking for a new job. I had planned to go to Florida to see BEAT with Snowcrash and my brother, but it fell through at the last minute.
In October, my new doctor put me on ozempic, which caused some of the worst pain I’ve ever had in my life. I figured out I could avoid it by only drinking 20oz of powerade and eating 1 stack of saltines per day, so I did that for 11 days, and it sucked. It especially sucked that I missed out on Kerri’s 50th birthday extravaganza. I did an escape room for my birthday with Kerri and Kera and Meghan and Aspen, and I had a fabulous birthday party.
In November, I had my first colonoscopy (which I had been procrastinating for 3 years) and they didn’t find anything scary (yay) so I don’t have to do it again for 10 years (yay!)
In December, The divorce was finally finalized. Every divorce comes with a free name change; I am now Pace Muqita Heart. Muqita is my Sufi name, Arabic for “nourish”, and Heart is a variant of a family name. I got unstuck, and released my second album, Catfish Waterslide!
My goal for 2024 was to mindfully and intentionally add awesome people and things to my life, while continuing to say no to everything else. I did a good job of both. My word of the year was PRAMSECTA, and at the beginning of the year I had no earthly idea what that meant. Now… I still don’t, but I think that’s the point. 2024 was a year of limbo, of in between, of not knowing.
But now, my support network, my love life, and my sex life are good enough that I have energy to put toward other things. I intend to put it toward:
- work
- adulting
- making my love+sex life even better
My goal for 2025 is to get my life shit togetherer, in a way that’s balanced between my present self and my future self.
My word of the year for 2025 is NOURISH.
In keeping with my annual tradition (2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
My favorite game of the year was Tunic. The Golden Path is the best puzzle in any game I’ve ever played, and I loved figuring out the language. I also loved Tears of the Kingdom, Chants of Sennaar, Stray, Fallow, Slay the Princess, Patch Quest, and Dave the Diver. My favorite visual media was Bodies, Kaleidoscope, and Fall of the House of Usher.
In January, Kye moved out for good.
In February, Citadel moved in. I attended Mountains and Rivers Temple. I had a money scare; I was a hot mess and it was okay. I unlocked my little. I built a space station for cats, got cuddles, and talked about how much I love cats for an hour.
In March, I attended Helena’s Wheel of Consent workshop in Vancouver. I realized how few things in my life I was actually wanting, and how much I was tolerating. I made a list of all 32 things in my life that I was tolerating, and started chipping away.
In April, I went to the Aphrodite Priestess Retreat and got permabanned.
In May, I had lunch with Citadel’s mom. The first Wanton Wands of Wonder occurred and it was phenomenally awesome.
In June, Rose turned 30 and gave us a concert for her birthday party! She became a portal of music and emotion; it was one of the best shows I’ve ever experienced. G & V hung out in the Love Shack.
In July, I went on a very gay vacay, at which I had a breakdown and also one of the best experiences of my filthy worthy perfect life. The second Wanton Wands of Wonder occurred and it was just terrific.
In September, the third Wanton Wands of Wonder occurred and it was tremendous. I wrote the rough draft of Catfish Waterslide.
In October, Chelsea came to visit. I had a lovely birthday orgy and I got to flip the whiteboard with a dramatic flourish. I saw my first opera, Carmen, with Rose and Mischa. I broke up with everyone, and decided that before I started dating anyone new, I first needed to become someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
In November, I attended my first Tacoma Polyamory Social: 53 RSVPs, all strangers, at an unfamiliar location. Take that, social anxiety! And it paid off because I met a bunch of people and made at least one new friend. I finally became someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I stopped attending Wanton Wands of Wonder, and I started dating Stephanie.
In December, I graduated therapy! I escaped 3 escape rooms in one day and a mirror opened reeeeeaaaaaallllllyyyyyy slowly. I joined a new D&D campaign: Alchemist Hunters and/or Huntees. I had Yule morning donuts with Julie. I made an infographic and a map of my life. I had a lovely movie night with Kerri. Stephanie came to visit for a three-day Sapphic Smoochapalooza, and we ate 90% of Citadel’s brownies.
My word of the year for 2023 was harmonize, and my goal was to establish healthy, interdependent, equitable partnerships. I made a lot of progress toward this goal, but it wasn’t until the last few months, with the triple breakup and the self-marriage, that I really made room in my life for healthy, interdependent, equitable partnerships.
2023 turned out to be a year of figuring out what I want and need, then inexorably saying no to everything else.
My goal for 2024 is to mindfully and intentionally add awesome people and things to my life, while continuing to say no to everything else.
My word of the year for 2024 is PRAMSECTA. I don’t know why.
In keeping with my annual tradition (2021, 2020, 2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year. It’s been a hell of a year.
My favorite visual media was Centaurworld, with honorable mentions to Mr. Robot, 1899, Archive 81, Arcane, United States of Tara, and Murderville.
My favorite game was, of course, Elden Ring, with thought-provoking honorable mentions to Hyperbolica, The Forgotten City, A Bewitching Revolution, and Sethian.
The most interesting fiction book I read was Battle of the Linguist Mages.
In January, I went on my first and last date with N.
In February, Lupeta moved to Tacoma and we started seeing each other every Monday. I got her a cute little pink collar with a bell on it and a leash. She was such a good kitty.
In March, Amanda and Kelly came to visit for Kyeli’s birthday.
In April, I had a parathyroidectomy. Now I’m Nearly Headless Pace (;
In May, Kyeli and I took a break. She went to Beacon, NY for six months. I met Citadel System: Katie, Sara, Esriel, Tirion, Emily, and Rusty. (although at this point most of the inner map was still uncharted) Jasmine came to stay with me for a few days, during which I had a date with Lupeta, during which Jasmine made herself scarce. Afterward, Jasmine was pleased to notice how wobbly my legs were, and it gave me a taste of poly bliss. My mom got cancer and I went to Atlanta to take care of her.
In June, I became girlfriends with Katie and Sara. Kyeli asked me to break up with Katie and I said no. I watched Mr. Robot and sent M. oodles of screenshots. Mom died. Also, I got the best massage of my entire life.
In July, M. came to visit for a long weekend, which included All-Paramours Game Night: M., Citadel, Jasmine, and Lupeta. J. asked me out. Lupeta low-key broke up with me.
In August, Kyeli and I started couples counseling.
In September, Esriel and I were at WinCo and these two cuties came up to us and said to me, “I love your hair!” We exchanged Discord info and fucked (: I had A Very Gay Getaway with Citadel. Comply.
In October, I was transported into a rainbow tunnel. For my birthday, four incredibly lovely humans came over for a game night followed by an orgy. I met Mischa and Rose. (Well, I had met Mischa several months ago, but we hadn’t gotten together in person.) Mischa invited me to Temple of Aphrodite and I signed the fuck up. Jasmine and I celebrated our 1-year anniversary. Esriel and I went on our first date.
In November, Kyeli came back to Tacoma and we tried to see if things could work out between the new Pace and the new Kyeli. A consent-related event occurred. I went to Temple of Aphrodite and it was life-changingly transformative. “Unlock my desire,” I pledged to Aphrodite, “and I will follow it/You to the ends of the earth.” Well, She gave me what I asked for, and to hold up my end of the deal, I ended my romantic relationship with Kyeli. I also broke up with Jasmine and de-escalated with J. I experienced 5meodmt and became the conscious universe, co-creating toroidal time, a golden wave of delight flowing through every feeling being, always available to tune into. It was fucking hilarious.
In December, I went to Mischa’s birthday party, and it was like a mini-Temple. I had to keep pinching myself to be sure that this is my actual life. I went hot tubbing with Rose and Citadel. I fell in love with Rose and Mischa. We watched Mischa play Portal and touched each other all day in uncountably many lovely ways. Fae pounded the shit out of me to the drum track of Playing God by Polyphia. Tirion solidified. I spent time with my extended polycule; we had lots of deepening experiences under lots of less-than-ideal circumstances.
Last year I wrote, “I’m sure the coming year will hold lots more poly excitement, and I’m sure I’ll learn more about what I want and what I need. What I need to keep in mind is to respect myself, to hold healthy boundaries, and to not settle. And that’s why my word of the year for 2022 is lemonade.” That turned out to be pretty fuckin’ prescient.
This year, I became a Priestess of Aphrodite.
This year, I finally got in touch with what I want, and took drastic action to bring my life into alignment with it.
This year, I acquired an any-time horde of adoring fans who all think I’m awesome and all want to fuck me six ways from Sunday. It is deeply satisfying to know that sex and adoration are abundant. Achievement unlocked!
Next up: healthy, interdependent, equitable partnership(s).
In the coming year, I will dive headfirst into the ocean of Aphrodisiacal love and lust, not to lose myself but to find myself. As I dive, I will take with me:
- lemonade
- interdependence
- a towel
My word of the year for 2023 is harmonize. First, I will stay in tune with myself. Then, I will harmonize with others who add richness to the melody of my mind, the rhythm of my body, and the timbre of my heart – all while staying within my own range.
In keeping with my annual tradition (2020, 2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve(ish) I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year. My favorite video games of the year were Dyson Sphere Program, Inscryption, Journey to the Savage Planet, Children of Morta, and Anodyne 2, with […]
In keeping with my annual tradition (2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
My favorite video game of 2020 was, hands-down, Astroneer. Kyeli and I had a blast playing it together, and we co-created amazing stories! Runner-up: Satisfactory. Honorable mentions: Dangonronpa, Crypt of the NecroDancer, Cattails, Elsinore, and Monster Train.
I didn’t read any books that deserve a best-of-the-year accolade. Honorable mentions: A Memory Called Empire, and The Outside by Ada Hoffmann.
I learned more about ADHD, capitalism, philosophy, and sociology.
I played Beat Saber all year long, except for a couple of months where I was doing a bunch of ridiculous things to get my Oculus Rift to work properly. At the end of the year, I was ranked 8200th and the hardest song I had passed was Sandstorm on Expert+.
In January, we were still living in Austin for the winter. I talked with Johnny B. Truant about gender stuff. I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my left hip. And we started our Tacoma house hunt!
In February, Kelly came to visit and I started having weekly calls with Emma, and I finished Spiritual Limericks!
In March, Kyeli and I flew to Tacoma while Bastion freaked his shit in the cat carrier. We moved into an apartment to serve as a house-hunting home base. Kyeli’s birthday passed without fanfare, because COVID-19 happened and everything went to shit.
In April, my company went virtual and I helped everyone learn how to do their work remotely. I started seeing a new therapist, Ayako Aizawa, but we turned out to not be a good fit. We made an offer on the Mondo Condo, but it didn’t work out. I started quilting on Fridays.
In May, we started playing weekly Terraria with Dru. Kyeli was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I started working on Limerick Quest, the sequel to Limerick Heist.
In June, we downgraded our Prius to a Honda Fit to save money. I joined Kelly and Emma’s weekly social justice action hour, which I’m still doing.
In July, we celebrated JYule, since we didn’t do anything for Yule in 2019. I fixed my SIBO with a low-FODMAP diet, which I’m still pretty much doing. We found our new house and made an offer! I tried out a couple of EMDR therapists before finding Heather Spreadborough, who is awesome. I worked with her through the rest of the year. And I started participating in a virtual Sufi circle!
In August, we closed on our new house! But we didn’t move in yet because we wanted to finish the renovations first. SGDQ was virtual but still awesome. I attended my first (virtual) DSA meeting! We had a Flock virtual masterheart. But really, most of what we did in August was play Astroneer.
In September, I drew a diagram that explained everything. Tony, who was supposed to be our contractor for all our home renovations, bailed on us at the last minute. We looked for replacement contractors, but they were WAY out of our price range and we freaked our shit. Amanda saved the day by offering to fly up and do a bunch of handyfiddling! So we hired some specialists for painting, A/C, the patio enclosure, and renovating the hall bathroom, and waited for Amanda for the rest. Last but not least, I finished Limerick Quest and submitted it to IFComp! But really, most of what I did in September was play Satisfactory.
In October, I finally got my Washington driver’s license! I celebrated my 43rd birthday. We went on a birthday journey, during which Kyeli drew the diagram of everything on my body and took the best nude photo of me ever. Kelly and Emma and I started our project to help out Rewiring America. Finally, some of the work-related COVID-related shittiness came to an end.
In November, we waited with bated breath and intense anxiety for the election results, and were relieved and grateful when they finally became clear. We finally moved into our house! Amanda came up for 10 days and did all the handyfiddly things! We had the patio enclosure built. As usual, we failed to do anything special for our 15th anniversary. We discovered that our shower had a leak and needed to be totally redone, so we took out yet another loan and redid it.
In December, the IFComp results were announced – I was stunned and thrilled that Limerick Quest took 4th place! Kyeli and I talked about being poly and having a dog. We found someone to grow stuff in our back garden next spring. Kyeli’s dad died. And I took a long vacation, during which I worked on the house, wrote a song called Space Dolphin, co-created a surprise to be revealed on Kyeli’s upcoming birthday, played Among Us with family, and played lots of League.
In summary, 2020 sucked. It was, for the most part, a year of getting by instead of a year of growth. But despite that, we bought a house, moved in, and fixed oodles of things that needed to be fixed. Despite that, I made significant progress rewiring my anxiety. Despite that, I managed to deepen close friendships as well as my relationship with Kyeli. Despite that, I completely changed everything I eat, learned to cook in an Instant Pot, and kicked my incipient diabetes into remission.
I’m killing myself by degrees
trying to push and to squeeze.
Embrace and adjust
a new way of trust,
beginning – and ending! – with ease.
In keeping with my annual tradition (2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year. My favorite video game of 2020 was, hands-down, Astroneer. Kyeli and I had a blast playing it together, and we co-created amazing stories! Runner-up: Satisfactory. […]
In keeping with my annual tradition (2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year. My favorite video game was Return of the Obra Dinn. Runners up: Outer Wilds, The Infectious Madness of Doctor Dekker, Heaven’s Vault. My favorite book was […]
In keeping with my annual tradition (2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
My favorite video game was Return of the Obra Dinn. Runners up: Outer Wilds, The Infectious Madness of Doctor Dekker, Heaven’s Vault.
My favorite book was Dreadnought by April Daniels. Runners up: This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar. And I finally read the first 2.1 thirds of The Kingkiller Chronicle, which was amazing.
I watched a lot of Mario Maker, BreadTube, How to ADHD, Kurzgesagt, Electron Dance, and Jacob Geller.
I learned that 90% of the challenging interactions I have with other people, and with reality, are because of my ADHD. I also learned a lot about particle physics, parasocial relationships, astronomy, feminism, loneliness, capitalism, socialism, economics, game design, bridging, activism, quantum physics, alt-right political tactics, and how machine learning algorithms make people create weird videos and influence them in disturbing ways.
In January, we went to Amanda’s birthday party for a hot minute. I don’t do large groups of people anymore, but I still wanted to see Amanda on her birthday. Then we visited Dru for his 21st birthday! He kicked my butt at Smash, then we had dinner at Olive Garden and got to meet Natalie.
In February, Jean stayed with us for a couple of days, then we moved to Tacoma! Kyeli and Amanda had a harrowing roadtrip, while I stayed behind in Austin to handle the move-out, then caught up with them via plane.
In March, we celebrated Kyeli’s 42nd birthday, and I gave her an underpromised, overdelivered limerick quest. Kyeli won the battle for her soul and realized that God is everything and nothing, and I laughed at the Big Cosmic In-Joke, but Kyeli wasn’t pretending she didn’t get it, she really didn’t get it. (at the time) I finally began catching up on 11 years of avoiding doctors, starting with Dr. Miller, who turned out to be fatphobic and, while I wouldn’t say transphobic, a little bit trans-awkward.
In April, I finished Compass Rose! We flew to SoCal for EmmaCon 2019! We ate a ton of amazing food at a restaurant owned by friends of Emma’s parents, all of us but Kyeli went on a boat tour, I got sensory overstimulation and hid under four pillows, and we talked about lots of awesome stuff like office politics, spiral dynamics, Keger’s five stages of adulting, being slightly famous, high-demand groups, relationship boundaries, capitalism, bridging, racism, and Emma’s book of inspiration.
In May, I started working with my new psychiatrist, Dr. Angela. We went to a meetup of the Feminist Utopia Book Club. I went to Austin for Metroidvaniamania – Brandon and I began working on a Metroidvania together.
In June, we went to Liz’s to celebrate EJ’s birthday with a Harry Potter party. EJ played small chunks of several different video games, and Jon and I tagged along. Amanda came to visit for a week, during which Kyeli and I had a big hot messy fight. We saw the worst-ever production of Mamma Mia, we all got Pride pedis, and Amanda cut my hair and and dyed it pink. I saw Dr. Yearian, an orthopedic surgeon, who told me that my arch pain was due to genetically too-short gastrocnemius (calf) muscles, so I had surgery to have the right one lengthened. (Thanks, Snowcrash!) The surgery went okay, but I got misgendered a bunch at the hospital, which sucked a lot. This is also when Kyeli’s mental health started improving for the first time in, like, ever. (Thanks, Dr. Angela!)
In July, Kyeli started painting. We spontaneously drove out to the lighthouse across the bay and loved Tacoma. I went to Austin, and Brandon and I canceled our Metroidvania – my reason was hard mode. In fact, I swore off indie gamedev entirely because it has too low of an effort-to-output ratio. We celebrated JYule, and Kyeli gave me a clothes shopping spree that made me cry! Due to the self-love work I’ve been doing in therapy, I’m finally able to feel good about what I want to wear, and be really intentional about it instead of just wearing Kyeli’s hand-me-downs.
In August, I had a dream about Sheikha. I did “Q&A with a trans person” at the hospital, both to help others and also to decrease my chances of being misgendered during my upcoming left leg surgery. It went totally smoothly! Jo, the chaplain, is amazing. Dicey Dungeons was finally released – I’m in the credits for “detailed playtesting”!
In September, Kyeli encouraged me to enter the IFComp, and I wrote Limerick Heist in Twine and loved it, so apparently I’ve un-sworn-off indie gamedev. Kelly visited for KellyCon 2019! She made the cover art for Limerick Heist, and it came in 8th place in the IFComp! I took StrengthsFinder again and felt very little dissonance this time! And as a result of my KellyCon masterheart, I improved my spiritual infrastructure, including doing the Evening Wird when my dervish friends are available. Kyeli’s dad was diagnosed with cancer. I still had more limericks in me that needed to get out, so I put together a little questie for my besties, then started working on Rhyme Ninja to make future limerick writing easier and better.
In October, I wrote Limerick Night in 4 hours for EctoComp. Kyeli gave me lots of fun and delicious birthday surprises, including a spoon rest and a new PACE flag! We restarted doing couples therapy. I got a ton of dental work done, and now I’m caught up! I had bubble tea with Adrian.
In November, Kyeli and I celebrated our 14th anniversary! She made a video of couplies with Adventure from Fez. I got to teach a class on Limerick Heist! We decided to make Tacoma our forever home, started looking for a house, and met with a realtor, Zenika. I started listening to the Feminist Frequency podcast. AllonI sent us a sweet email. I switched to Kyeli’s doctor, Dr. Skedd. I’ve got very mild osteoarthritis in my left hip, high blood pressure, and I was diagnosed with celiac disease, which means I’ll have to stop eating gluten real soon now. I interviewed a potential new therapist, Debby, but she misgendered me 4 minutes into our first session so I fired her immediately and she blamed me for not being patient enough with her. We put all our Tacoma stuff in storage and moved to Austin for the winter. Bastion and Kyeli had a really rough flight. I asked a stranger to please stop hammering at 11pm, which previously would have caused me major social anxiety.
In December, I finally made peace with being a multipod. We had a secret masterheart with a secret BFF, who helped me with gluten-free planning. We visited Kyeli’s dad in the hospital, and he told me to be careful. Dru came to visit for Yule, and we had League Appreciation Practice, the Dru’s Commentary version of The Great Gatsby, and lots of amazing conversations. JK Rowling came out as a TERF, and I processed a lot about how to support the art without supporting the artist. We bailed on our family vacation to Harry Potter World, not because of JK but because it’s not accessible enough. Emma visited for a day and it was lovely. I designed a Yule quest for Kyeli involving welcome mats, Limerick Heist, and a Spy Safe House escape room! Kyeli got me Beat Saber for Yule and now I play it all the time! It’s my new DDR! Kyeli and I reviewed our entire decade, distilling the most important takeaways. One thing I learned is what I love in a creative project, so I quit working on Rhyme Ninja, threw away a couple more coding-based project ideas, and started writing a book of spiritual limericks.
2019 was a year of mental and physical health. I got my psych meds figured out, and started making progress on all the physical ailments that had been piling up during my 11-year hiatus from doctors. My word of the year was “engage”, but I needed to engage with my own health before I could engage deeply with Tacoma. And as always, I need to engage with my heart, to stay present in my life so I can feel and be and hurt and heal and love, instead of just tagging along for the ride.
Why do I always resist?
My reminders, so simply dismissed?
I’ve got to forestall
forgetting. I scrawl
a hasty note: “SEE OTHER WRIST.”
In 2020, I’m gonna keep on keeping on. I’ve still got some big medical rocks to adjust to, most notably gluten-free, and then I plan to put down roots in Tacoma and continue to engage with my heart, my body, my friends, and my life.
In keeping with my annual tradition (2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year. Best Media of 2018 Best Youtubers of 2018: Natalie Wynn, Ian Danskin, Mark Brown. Natalie and Ian helped me feel like I’m not alone in my political […]
In keeping with my annual tradition (2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
Best Media of 2018
- Best Youtubers of 2018: Natalie Wynn, Ian Danskin, Mark Brown. Natalie and Ian helped me feel like I’m not alone in my political views. Kyeli and I coined the term “creepy lemon” because we didn’t know anyone whose views were similar to ours. Watching Natalie and Ian’s videos gives me hope. fistbump And Mark is doing the same for game design! Not only are we learning a ton and enjoying the heck out of it, but he cares and is making the world a better place.
- Best Visual Media of 2018: Elementary
- Musical Artist of 2018: Demoscene Time Machine
- Best Game of 2018: La-Mulana 2
- Games that inspired me because I enjoyed them and could actually potentially create graphics of that caliber: Darkside Detective, The Last Door, Dream Quest, earlier versions of Dicey Dungeons, and maybe even Minit
- Games that inspired me because they could have been great if they had fixed some design oversights: Dr. Doyle and the Mystery of the Cloche Hat, Shalnor Legends: Sacred Lands
- Game that inspires me to create a metroidvania without combat: Super Win the Game
- Game that proved that a procedurally generated metroidvania is possible: A Robot Named Fight
- Game that I did not like, but I finished anyway, making me realize what I sucker I am for a surreal mystery: Earthworms
- Other notable games I enjoyed: Horizon: Zero Dawn, Dark Souls III, Snake Pass, Yoku’s Island Express, Recursed, Rumu,
- Also played: Hand of Fate 2, A Hat in Time, Rabi-Ribi
My word of the year for 2018 was engage.
In January, Zoloft borrowed my soul. For six weeks, not only did I believe the universe was a meaningless uncaring void, but I believed I’d always felt that way.
In February, my tiny but indomitable internal bird pecked me back awake, and Zoloft returned my soul, none the worse for wear. I made peace with my dissatisfaction.
In March, we lived in Vancouver, WA, as a trial run to see if we wanted to live there. The Couv is just across the river from Portland, and way more affordable. We learned a lot about what we want to optimize for in terms of location, comfort, and friendships. We spent Kyeli’s birthday weekend on the coast and saw whales!
In April, we rejiggered our budget to optimize for the common case, and as a result, bought our new car, Lilith. We had a weekend journey with Amanda. Kyeli relearned that she can’t take the heat in Austin, so we removed Austin from our list of candidate forever homes.
In May, I was diagnosed with ADHD, started taking Adderall, and it immediately solved 70% of all the problems in my life. Kyeli went to Beacon, NY for the summer, to hang out with Kelly’s new baby. I started playtesting Dicey Dungeons.
In June, I joined Kyeli in Beacon for the summer. Being apart for two weeks was nice, but three was too long. We saw Hamilton on Broadway with Dru and a shady, secretive fourth person!
In July, we celebrated Kelly’s 40th birthday by masterhearting with Emma and Christine! I began indie game development (thank you, Terry, for inspiring me!) and started working on Compass Rose – I created puzzle #1. The Great Utensil Shenanigan began. Kyeli had a ~~stroke~~ migraine with aura. In therapy, we discussed how I can support Kyeli when she fragments, and I took too big a stick.
In August, I participated in my first game jam: Ludum Dare 42! I teamed up with Brandon and Sarah, started learning Unity, and together, over a weekend, we created Overencumbered! I loved Unity so much I rewrote Compass Rose from scratch. We decided to move to Seattle instead of Portland/the Couv, because the weather is cooler, and we want to optimize for the long term.
In September, I participated in my second game jam: GMTK(jam)! I teamed up with Jake, Chloe, and Vilinder, and together we created Youhou 01 ~ Eternal Piracy, Breezeless Sea! I got frustrated with tilesets, and decided to scale down Compass Rose to just a puzzle game instead of a puzzlevania. Julica and I repaired our friendship. Kyeli took the stick back.
In October, we started saving for retirement. Kelan visited, and we talked about systemic racism. We moved back to Austin as planned. I explored new ways to manage increased work stress. A coworker asked me a personal question, I answered truthfully, and they used it against me in a professional capacity. I created Compass Rose puzzle #2 of 4.
In November, we started helping Dru out with tuition, under more precise conditions. We asked ourselves, “Why wait to get a kitten?” and we acquired Bastion Hawthorne Weatherwax Smith, Esq.! We stopped podcasting. We decided to research the cost of living in Seattle, and the weather in more detail. We confirmed that the weather was indeed significantly cooler, and learned that the cost of living was prohibitively high anywhere reasonably close to Seattle proper. So we’re going to try Tacoma instead. Tacoma has Seattle weather, but at Couv prices. It’s LGBT-friendly, and it’s big enough to have everything we need and almost everything we want. We’re optimistic – and this time, our optimism is founded on some actual research! Kyeli and I celebrated our 13th anniversary with a double-wide weekend of sporkfoon excellence.
In December, I created Compass Rose puzzle #3 of 4. Amanda dyed my hair pink near the roots and purple at the edges, and it’s my favorite hair color combo ever! I played Pump It Up, and remembered how much I love the game. Brandon and I discussed future gamedev collaboration possibilities. We celebrated Yule with Dru. He beat me at chess, he crushed me at Smash, we discussed politics like adults and he didn’t just demur. It was awesome. Kyeli and I celebrated our 13th anniversary once again with our Probably-Final Cruise. We picked out the past year’s patterns with our minds, held its hard-won truths in our hearts, and let its subtle music sing silently to our souls. We cast our hopes for the next year as a net made of plans into a sea made of dreams.
In summary:
My goal for 2017 was to put down roots in Lansing and engage with my life. It didn’t work, because the culture was not a good fit.
My goal for 2018 was to put down roots in Austin and engage with my life. It didn’t work, because Austin is too hot for Kyeli. But even though the roots didn’t take, I did engage with my life!
Adderall increased my capacity and lowered my daunt. It lightened my depression and smoothed my anxiety, making it easier to take initiative, easier to connect, and easier to get up off the couch and do small self-care things for myself and small sweet things for Kyeli.
Instead of just going along for the ride in NY, I initiated a new hobby – indie video game development – that has now become a big part of my life.
Instead of just deferring to Kyeli, I suggest we not wait to get a kitten, and once we got Bastion, I moved we commit to keeping him. <3
Instead of just sticking with the Seattle plan or reverting to the Couv plan, we kept researching and found a potential win/win in Tacoma.
In addition to engaging with my life, 2018 was also a year of self-love and healthy boundaries.
In therapy this year, I unburied the shame I had internalized about being trans, and began belatedly healing it with self-love and compassion.
In couples, we worked on how to have healthy boundaries when we each have very different needs and very different abilities. Equality based not on how many to-do items we can accomplish, but on how many souls we each have. Complementary.
In 2019, my goal is exactly the same as it was in 2017 and 2018 – to put down roots and engage with my life – except this time in Tacoma. Since my intention is the same and only the location is changing, I’m choosing the same word of the year – engage.
Inshallah, this time it’ll take. (:
Podcasting five years, it’s been swell! But now we are saying farewell. Let’s talk about why We’re saying goodbye With many more stories to tell. A last parting gift, our ten jewels, Ten easy-to-memorize tools For living intentionally And unconventionally: They’re what we call our House Rules. Pace & Kyeli’s House Rules Resilience, Not Perfection […]
Podcasting five years, it’s been swell!
But now we are saying farewell.
Let’s talk about why
We’re saying goodbye
With many more stories to tell.
A last parting gift, our ten jewels,
Ten easy-to-memorize tools
For living intentionally
And unconventionally:
They’re what we call our House Rules.
Pace & Kyeli’s House Rules
- Resilience, Not Perfection
- How About Now?
- It’s Always OK to Ask; It’s Always OK to Say No
- Always Mumble
- Never Hurry
- Never Wait
- Just Keep Crying
- Grown-Ass Women
- Assume Love
- You Are Not Alone
-
Don’t Be Creepy in the Bathroom
-
WCML 004 – Living in an Instagrammed world
- WCML 068: Wild Crazy Meaningful Death, with Caitlin Doughty
- WCML 107: What Kelly learned from living with us for a year (and vice versa)
- Direct vs. subtle communication (aka ask culture vs. guess culture, low context vs. high context communication)
- WCML 070: Wild Crazy Meaningful Day Job
- We are selling our RV and moving to Portland. Here’s why.
- “Be a tube, not a bucket”
- WCML 051: Love Like You Don’t Share a Bathroom with Patty Newbold, assumelove.com
- Why I hate compassion
Thanks for listening to The Dervish and the Mermaid! If you miss us, you can find every episode we’ve ever recorded at PaceSmith.com.
That’s also where you can download my free ebook, Find Your Path Now. It’ll help you stop living on autopilot and start living a wholehearted, intentional life.
Kyeli helps Pace deal with her attachment to other people being moved by her creation.
Before my creation is hatched,
I’m already hella attached.
If nobody cares
To sample my wares,
My plan might as well stay unhatched.
- bitching vs. venting
- game jams
- Compass Rose
- September Safari
- Games
- The Usual Error
- Time & Again
- internal motivation vs. external motivation
- “How do I want to feel while working on this?”
- “How do I want to feel once I’ve released this into the world and nobody gives a shit?”
Thanks for listening to The Dervish and the Mermaid! If you enjoyed this episode, please review us on iTunes and send your friends to PaceSmith.com.
That’s also where you can download my free ebook, Find Your Path Now. It’ll help you stop living on autopilot and start living a wholehearted, intentional life.
Kyeli helps Pace deal with her attachment to other people being moved by her creation. Before my creation is hatched, I’m already hella attached. If nobody cares To sample my wares, My plan might as well stay unhatched. bitching vs. venting game jams Compass Rose September Safari Games The Usual Error Time & Again internal […]
This applies to any fandom that strongly relates to its characters. Spoiler warning for Undertale.
To choose a new topic at random,
Consider the Undertale fandom.
Some say they’re the best,
Some say they’re obsessed,
But we want to just understand ’em.
- What is Undertale?
- What is a fandom?
- Immersion, empathy, and fourth-wall-breaking in Undertale
- Ryukahr playing Undertale
- Is it important to respect the gender of fictional characters? Yes.
- Gendered Tetris
- SJWs
- The 2 reasons Undertale fans are perceived as annoying by outsiders
- Potterheads
- Steven Universe fans
- Coca-Cola fans
Thanks for listening to The Dervish and the Mermaid! If you enjoyed this episode, please review us on iTunes and send your friends to PaceSmith.com.
That’s also where you can download my free ebook, Find Your Path Now. It’ll help you stop living on autopilot and start living a wholehearted, intentional life.
This applies to any fandom that strongly relates to its characters. Spoiler warning for Undertale. To choose a new topic at random, Consider the Undertale fandom. Some say they’re the best, Some say they’re obsessed, But we want to just understand ’em. What is Undertale? What is a fandom? Immersion, empathy, and fourth-wall-breaking in Undertale […]
Why is our culture obsessed with believing in some dogma and sticking to it 100% obsessively? Why doesn’t 99% count for partial credit?
Another fine myth to debunk:
100 percent or you flunk.
Eat one bite of meat
And you’re now obsolete,
99 percent’s basically junk.
- allergic to chocolate
- If you’re a Quaker, you don’t have to serve in the military. But if you “just” think it’s wrong to kill people, oh well, here’s your gun. “does not include essentially political, sociological, or philosophical views, or a merely personal moral code.”
- “I can’t go up or down steps”
- If everyone ate 50% less meat, that would be just as good for the planet as if 50% of people became vegetarian. But this all-or-nothing mentality discourages people from even trying.
Thanks for listening to The Dervish and the Mermaid! If you enjoyed this episode, please review us on iTunes and send your friends to PaceSmith.com.
That’s also where you can download my free ebook, Find Your Path Now. It’ll help you stop living on autopilot and start living a wholehearted, intentional life.
Why is our culture obsessed with believing in some dogma and sticking to it 100% obsessively? Why doesn’t 99% count for partial credit? Another fine myth to debunk: 100 percent or you flunk. Eat one bite of meat And you’re now obsolete, 99 percent’s basically junk. allergic to chocolate If you’re a Quaker, you don’t […]
You live, and you do, and you age. Why not go explore the backstage? What makes people tick? Is this safe to lick? Don’t go through the motions, engage! game like a designer observe without judgement ask why Myers-Briggs S vs. N everyday philosopher “I don’t know for sure, but here are my thoughts” Thanks […]
You live, and you do, and you age.
Why not go explore the backstage?
What makes people tick?
Is this safe to lick?
Don’t go through the motions, engage!
- game like a designer
- observe without judgement
- ask why
- Myers-Briggs S vs. N
- everyday philosopher
- “I don’t know for sure, but here are my thoughts”
Thanks for listening to The Dervish and the Mermaid! If you enjoyed this episode, please review us on iTunes and send your friends to PaceSmith.com.
That’s also where you can download my free ebook, Find Your Path Now. It’ll help you stop living on autopilot and start living a wholehearted, intentional life.
When you’re watching a kitten be cute
But your camera’s not all set to shoot
By the time that you’re ready
The cat has already
Moved on, and so you follow suit.
So unless one is very astute
It is hard to get proof absolute
Of a cute little cat.
So why does just that
Doom weird shit into disrepute?
- Radical Wholeness, with Philip Shepherd
- pseudoskepticism
- physics envy: wanting softer sciences to be more like physics
- Kyeli’s 7th grade science story: “You stayed open and curious!”
- Persimmon Village
- Staying open and curious, and modeling it for others
Thanks for listening to The Dervish and the Mermaid! If you enjoyed this episode, please review us on iTunes and send your friends to PaceSmith.com.
That’s also where you can download my free ebook, Find Your Path Now. It’ll help you stop living on autopilot and start living a wholehearted, intentional life.
When you’re watching a kitten be cute But your camera’s not all set to shoot By the time that you’re ready The cat has already Moved on, and so you follow suit. So unless one is very astute It is hard to get proof absolute Of a cute little cat. So why does just that […]
Is it out of the question or sinful To live lives that are just uneventful? Can the phoenix be plucked, Or are we simply fucked? Can we just be at peace and contentful? “I don’t deserve happiness” comfort is outside my comfort zone a pattern of moving after trauma happens, moving to escape the pain […]
Philosophical geekery. No quantum mechanics. Liquids flow always downhill. Physics prohibits free will. But with complex machines Like computers or genes, There might be some wiggle room still… the dice-rolling machine “Any sufficiently complex system is indistinguishable from randomness.” -Paul Lagasse The Sims the butterfly effect the meaning of life How would you live your […]
We each have a certain number of spoons each day, some more than others. If your spoons are limited, you’ll have to learn how to manage them, and how to deal with people who don’t understand. Plundering hoards of doubloons, Gallivanting in saloons, Using willpower, Heck, taking a shower: These things can exhaust all your […]
If there’s one thing we’d love to destroy, One missile we yearn to deploy, Its target would be Not the patriarchy, But the very emotion of joy. anti-joy vs. anti-cruelty Logical Fallacy #1: The Slippery Slope Logical Fallacy #2: The Scarecrow killing our own joy Hating the patriarchy does not mean hating men shoutouts to […]