Project Relationship: Recent Episodes
Joli Hamilton
The struggles in your relationships can be the catalyst for reimagining love from the ground up but we don't often get to hear how real people made it through the mess and into a great relationship. Project Relationship is all about how we can start making love fun again right now by getting strategic and applying our strengths in just the right places. Ken and Joli and sharing the good the bad and the weird in this podcast. Listen as we explore the messier parts of our love story and share the ways we've managed to turn life's punches into opportunities for a deeper connection.
This episode is about betrayal. I know, super fun subject, but don’t click away!!
Betrayal can touch on some of our deepest insecurities. But in my experience, the fear of betrayal can be more painful and damaging than betrayal itself. That’s one of the reasons why it’s important to face betrayal head-on, and to be honest with yourself about how your history with betrayal may be impacting your current relationships with your partner(s) and yourself.
This can be a confusing subject, especially for those of us who are still unpacking that default ‘mono-mindset’ (aren’t we all?). When we transition from monogamy to non-monogamy our paradigms of safety, trust, and betrayal totally change. This can leave people feeling really lost.
But that’s what this episode is for ;)
In this episode, we walk you through:
— The idea of exclusivity in romantic, emotional, and sexual attention as a safeguard against betrayal
— Cultural expectations and norms around monogamy and how they influence our perceptions of betrayal
— Why making the shift from monogamy to non-monogamy is so challenging when it comes to betrayal
— How you can reconceptualize betrayal in the context of non-monogamy
— How personal experiences of betrayal shape people's views and approaches to relationships (often without them realizing it)
— The impact of betrayal witnessed in childhood, such as watching parents betray each other
— How the fear of betrayal can make people close themselves off, and why those emotional walls can hinder the development of deep and meaningful connections
— The profound effects of self-betrayal and the importance of self-trust
— The importance of clear communication and well-defined boundaries
— How to build repair plans into your relationship agreements, and why they’re so important
— Strategies for managing emotions and relationships after trust has been violated
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Listen to examples of the Imago Dialogue conversation technique here
Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
People hurt each other all the time. Even in the strongest relationships and with the best intentions, it happens!
Ruptures in trust are not fun to think about, but we’ve found that addressing the subject proactively is crucial. So whether you’ve just experienced a break in trust, or you’re looking to prepare for those inevitable relationship challenges, this mini-episode is a must-listen.
In this episode, we talk about:
— The nature of trust and how it is built and broken in relationships
— Our personal experiences with trust issues and the impacts of past mistakes
— The importance of understanding the depth and complexity of trust
— Practical strategies for rebuilding trust
— The role of predictability and consistent behavior in establishing trust
— Why people with histories of trauma may have additional challenges with trusting others
— The difference between the Golden Rule and the Platinum Rule when it comes to trust
— Essential ingredients for rebuilding trust: inquiry and time
— The iterative process of healing from lost trust
— The potential consequences of not addressing trust issues in relationships
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Episode 156 of the Playing With Fire Podcast: Betrayal trauma & non-monogamy (out on 6/8/24)
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
This one’s for you, fellow relationship nerds! Listen in on this fabulous conversation with Dr. River Farrell, a clinical psychologist, independent non-monogamy researcher, and member of the polyamory and queer communities. They’re joining us to talk about research, therapy, jealousy, and how we can actually apply findings from the research to improve mental health care for people in the non-monogamy community.
Dr. Farrell uncovers the reasons why traditional therapy modalities might not be working for you, and we discuss why Acceptance and Commitment Therapy could be the paradigm-shifting tool you need to be able to address jealousy without judgment.
This one is a must-listen for anyone interested in what the research has to say about non-monogamy, and for therapists and therapy-goers who want to learn more about how to improve the therapeutic process for non-monogamous clients.
In this episode, we discuss:
— Dr. Farrell's research on non-monogamous relationships
— Compersion and its impact on relationship satisfaction
— The evolutionary roots of jealousy and stigma
— Compassionate strategies for managing jealousy
— Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and its applications to non-monogamous relationships
— The importance of therapists’ cultural competency and mindfulness
— The state of independent research and the challenges Dr. Farrell has faced
— Bridging the gap between non-monogamy research and mental health practices
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Dr. Farrell’s research on The Michigan School of Psychology website
— Acceptance and Commitment Therapy training manual for clinicians
— ACT Made Simple: An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by Russ Harris
Dr. River Farrell is a non-binary, queer, polyamorous, clinical psychologist who has been working in the field for over 15 years. They have specialized in working with gender and sexual minority clients utilizing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Currently they are conducting research on using ACT with CNM clients.
Follow River on Instagram or TikTok
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Have you ever had really strong feelings for someone— so strong that they took over your brain (and maybe even your life)? That kind of obsession can be super exciting, but it can also have big consequences.
Limerence and New Relationship Energy are two kinds of intense romantic fixation that have some key differences, and we’re diving deep into both of them.
We’ve been there—and that’s why we want to help you navigate these (exciting, scary, complicated… the list goes on!!) states of being.
In this episode, we’re covering:
— Symptoms and characteristics of limerence, including intrusive thoughts and ambiguity
— How NRE can disrupt or challenge existing relationships in the context of non-monogamy
— Our own personal experiences with limerence and NRE, and the challenges it brought to our relationships
— The difference between limerence and NRE, and why making that distinction can help you better understand your feelings
— The psychological effects of limerence, and why it involves so much asymmetry
— The role of projections in and their impact on new, limerent, and existing relationships
— Strategies for navigating NRE and limerence, including communication, boundaries, and self-compassion
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— The book The Limerent Mind by Lucy Bain
— The book Living With Limerence by Dr. L
— Dr. Sophia Graham on signs that new relationship energy may be problematic
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
When you hear the phrase "taking a break," do you think of fear, uncertainty, or sadness? We’ve been there, and we made this episode to help you forge a new path.
More often than not, unintentional breaks—whether from a relationship or a conversation—can simply delay the same outcomes and patterns. But breaks don't have to be evidence of a fundamental breakdown or incompatibility within a relationship. In fact, they can be a chance to hit refresh, realign, and come back stronger than ever.
In this episode, we dig through a treasure trove of questions and strategies that can guide you and your partner toward clarity and transformation during your break. We discuss how to create safety during a break while maintaining space, distance, and autonomy.
Listen in to find out how to take your breaks from scary disruptions to game-changing opportunities for reconnection.
Neuro-Somatic Intelligence Drills: Episode 84 of Playing With Fire
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
Some kinds of jealousy can just feel totally overwhelming. They may even make you feel rage. Justice jealousy is definitely one of them.
Justice jealousy—a term that was coined by Jessica Fern (one of our favorite authors and recurring PWF guest)—can happen when your partner wasn’t able to provide something for you in the past, and then you witness them providing that same thing to one of their other partners. Ouch!
The feelings that come up in these situations can be strong. So we’re here to give you strong frameworks, ideas, and tools that can help you understand, unpack, and work towards finding a resolution. (Spoiler alert, resolution might not look like what you had in mind when justice jealousy is in the picture!)
In this episode, we talk about:
— Why it’s important to know the difference between jealousy and envy
— What underlying issues can fuel strong feelings of justice jealousy
— Why it may be more helpful to focus on empathy and understanding instead of strict ideas of fairness
— The complexities of relationship repair in situations of justice jealousy
— Communication, forgiveness, healing, and the tools that can help you work through justice jealousy and its related issues
Resources mentioned in this episode:Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-Monogamy by Jessica Fern
Imago Dialogue: Episode 129 of Playing With Fire
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
So, you want to create relationship agreements with your partner. Great! You probably want those agreements to be fair, balanced, and symmetrical. Great… right?
Here’s the thing: everyone is different. We all have our own needs, wants, limits, trauma histories… the list goes on! So is trying to make symmetrical relationship agreements a worthwhile task? (Spoiler alert: not really!)
In this episode, we discuss how you can use the concept of asymmetry on purpose, and we break down why it can be a powerful way to create agreements that are practical, honest, and that account for the unpredicted.
Listen on to learn about:
—What ‘fairness’ actually means in the context of relationship agreements
—Why agreements should be explicit and mutual
—The power of actually writing down your agreements
—The importance of aligning your agreements with your values
—How the process of creating these agreements can be a transformative way to deepen your understanding of yourself and your partner
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
There are a lot of bad ways to make relationship agreements. (Trust us, we’ve been there!) But creating supportive agreements can open up a world of experimentation for you and your partner(s), while also providing safe, solid structures to fall back on.
This isn’t our first episode on relationship agreements, and it won’t be the last (we LOVE this topic), but this one’s a must listen–we’re breaking down all the basics.
—Learn the difference between relationship agreements and relationship philosophies.
—Understand the 3 main types of relationship agreements and why you need to start with ONE SPECIFIC TYPE!
—Find out how your unconscious may try to take over the agreement-making process and what you can do about that!
Sexual health resources:
Planned Parenthood’s STI Resource Center
Real Life Relationship Conversations: SPREAD Sexual Health Framework Examples
Imago Dialogue is a framework for conversations that was created by Harville Hendrix Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D. Learn more by listening to Episode 129 of Playing With Fire
Maxx Hill’s Relationship Smorgasbord
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Attachment theory has been all the rage recently, and hey, we get it - it’s a super helpful tool that comes up a lot in our work! But we’ve also been noticing some common pitfalls that are easy to stumble into while exploring the world of attachment styles. Labels like anxious, avoidant, or disorganized can feel quite restrictive, especially when people start to assume them as an identity.
Here’s the thing: you are a whole, complex, multifaceted person, and every relationship you have is going to be a little (or a lot!) different when it comes to attachment. That’s why, in this episode, we break down a fresh perspective on attachment, focusing on our tendencies instead of rigid labels.
We discuss the importance of context and nuance within conversations about attachment, especially when it comes to non-monogamous relationships. Plus, we talk about why there's a real need for more research in this area – and nope, it's not just because I'm a total research nerd!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Differentiation is one of the pillars of conscious relationships—but it doesn’t just happen, we have to actively practice differentiation over time. When we don’t, there will be symptoms:
If you’ve been feeling some resentment building up inside of you, if you’ve been feeling smothered, if you think you might be over- or under-functioning in your relationship(s), or if you’ve been having the same fights over and over with your partner(s), it might be time for you to get serious about differentiation.
Differentiation involves being able to identify your own feelings, thoughts, and needs as separate from those of your partner(s). This is one of our favorite subjects. But it can also be a scary one!
In this episode, we’re giving you a fabulous set of tools and knowledge to start you on your path towards healthy differentiation. We’re talking about what differentiation is, why it’s so important, the difference between individuation and differentiation, signs that you might be ready to start your differentiation journey, some challenges you may face throughout your differentiation practice, and we’ll give you some practical advice for and real-life examples of cultivating differentiation.
How to play The 3-Minute Game
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
We get this question a lot. But there are some questions lying under the surface of this one… first and foremost, will non monogamy make it possible for us to not deal with all the shit that we just don't want to deal with?? It probably won’t surprise you to hear that our answers to these questions are nuanced, complicated, and exciting, but also possibly dysregulating!!To answer this question, we’re diving into the complexities of transitioning to non-monogamy. There are so many opportunities and road blocks that can pop up on the road to polyamory (trust us, we would know!). We discuss how to avoid resentment, the importance of transparency and communication, and how non-monogamy can bring about the potential for some seriously transformative personal and relational growth.Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
AKA–what do I do when everything in my relationship goes sideways??
To kick off season nine of PWF, we’re getting vulnerable and digging deep. We share our personal experiences with relational dysregulation, and we discuss communication styles, attachment tendencies, and tools that help us resolve conflict.
Dysregulation can be fertile ground for relational growth. To show you why, we turn to our depth psychology roots, and explore concepts like embracing multiplicity, shadow exploration, and transcending binaries of good and bad.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
We’re back with Jessica Fern and David Cooley, co-authors of the incredible book Polywise, and this time they’re answering your questions.
We cover so much in this episode, but it’s all through the lens of a restorative relational framework, which is an incredibly powerful way to transform how you move through conflict in your relationships. Their responses include both practical exercises that you can implement in your life today, and important, big-picture discussions about polyamory, attachment, jealousy, reassurance, parenting, and so much more.
Here are the questions that Jessica and David answer in this episode:
- What would you recommend for a hinge partner working to unpack codependence in non-monogamy?
- How do I manage this feeling? - When my partner is getting closer to someone else, in my head, that means that they're moving further away from me.
- How can I rebuild or repair metamour relationships when resentment and misunderstandings have started to pile up?
- What do you do when you're parenting with someone that you're disentangling from?
- How do I meet attachment needs within long distance partnerships?
Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love.
Learn more at www.JessicaFern.com
David Cooley is a professional Restorative Justice facilitator,diversity and privilege awareness trainer, and bilingual culturalbroker. He is the creator of the Restorative Relationship Conversations model, a process that transforms interpersonal conflict into deeper connection, intimacy and repair. In his private practice, David specializes in working with non-monogamous and LGBTQ partnerships, incorporating a variety of modalities including trauma-informed care, attachment theory, somatic practices, narrative theory, and mindfulness-based techniques.
To learn more about doing restorative partner work with David, visit his website here: www.restorativerelationship.com
JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.theyearofopening.com
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Consent can be a difficult topic for everyone. And there's a particularly large gap in our cultural conversations, sexual education, and practical skill development when it comes to consent and men. So many men (and that includes anyone who identifies as a man!) know there’s a problem, and want to do better, but aren’t entirely sure how to fix it.
Our guest for this episode, Dr. Eric Fitzmedrud is here to remedy that. His work dives deep and does not shy away from difficult conversations. He knows from his own experiences, and from his experiences as a therapist, how important support and connection are for men, and how often men struggle to find it, because of our suffocating cultural norms around masculinity.
No man can—or should—live up to the 2-dimensional, patriarchal image of what a man is supposed to be. So many people know that, but when we’re faced with difficult situations, it’s easy to slip back into outdated gender roles. In this episode, we’re digging into how you can develop the emotional skills you need to navigate these relationship challenges with more nuance and integrity.
Eric FitzMedrud is a therapist specializing in relationship and sexual issues in the San Francisco Bay Area. His specialty is helping men improve their sex lives by learning to regulate emotions, remove sexual entitlement, and hone sexual consent and negotiation skills. FitzMedrud is a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. He has been published in academic books, presented at conferences, and taught many graduate courses in psychology. He is polyamorous, bisexual, and lives with his wife of twenty-three years and his life partner of six years in San Francisco’s East Bay area, California.
Read Dr. FitzMedrud’s new book HERE
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in myyear-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Enmeshment doesn’t have to be a big scary subject. In this episode we’re breaking it down into two simple (but super important!) pieces: over-functioning and under-functioning.
If you suspect you might be enmeshed in your relationship(s), and you want to start identifying those patterns, this one is a must-listen. We take it all the way to the root and examine the core wounds and beliefs that could be underlying your relationship patterns. AND, we talk about how practical tools like embodied awareness can help you honor your and your partners’ individuation journeys.
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Individuation, enmeshment, symbiosis, co-dependence, individualism, interdependence… how on Earth can we navigate through all these paradigms and bring balance to our relationships??
Luckily, in this episode, we’re joined by Jessica Fern and David Cooley, two all-star authors and practitioners in the non-monogamy space. We get into the nuances of individuation, and how to work towards differentiation in a way that is intentional instead of reactive.
We talk about the monomind (that sneaky thing is always causing trouble!!) and how it can be a barrier to individuation and healthy conflict resolution in non-monogamous relationships.
Jessica and David’s new book Polywise is a must-read. Learn more about it here!
Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love.
Learn more at www.JessicaFern.com
David Cooley is a professional Restorative Justice facilitator,diversity and privilege awareness trainer, and bilingual culturalbroker. He is the creator of the Restorative Relationship Conversations model, a process that transforms interpersonal conflict into deeper connection, intimacy and repair. In his private practice, David specializes in working with non-monogamous and LGBTQ partnerships, incorporating a variety of modalities including trauma-informed care, attachment theory, somatic practices, narrative theory, and mindfulness-based techniques.
To learn more about doing restorative partner work with David, visit his website here: www.restorativerelationship.com
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Jessica will be back next week with her coauthor David Cooley. Prime the pump by listening to this episode!
~
It's normal to want your relationship to feel secure.
It's normal to want to individuate.
It's normal to want to explore what life can look like beyond the constraints of default monogamy.
But how do you actually deal with your specific attachment wounds and still create a love that makes space for multiple loving connections?
Joli & Jessica dove into how attachment theory can help us make a relationship that actually works for us, but we went beyond the surface of attachment theory. Y'all are smart- and she's done a lot of interviews already (google is your friend), so I wanted to go deeper and find out how Jessica weaves other theories into her work and how she helps people move out of relational trauma loops and into the life they desire.
Jealousy, internal family systems/parts work, and narrative therapy... oh, and some sneak peeks of Jessica's upcoming book Polywise!
Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love.
Learn more at www.JessicaFern.com
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Communication, transitions, new relationship energy, oh my! Being a hinge partner between multiple consensually non-monogamous relationships can be so overwhelming. Don’t worry—in this second episode of our hinge skills series, we’re diving even deeper into the skills you can develop that could take you from squeaky hinge to skillful tapestry weaver.
We discuss all the tricky aspects of polyamorous relationships and metamours—needs, boundaries, emotions, schedules, energy levels, the list goes on…—and how you can bring these various pieces into harmony.
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Feeling more like a doorstop than a hinge? We’ve been there. If you are the pivot point between multiple partners in a polyamorous relationship, you already know that it can be a challenging role to play.
In this episode, we're talking about what it means to be a hinge, and what skills you can build to help you fill this role. Highlights include: time management, boundary setting, responsibility, distress tolerance, and so much more.
Listen on to find out how you can strengthen your relationships with yourself, your partners, and your metamours!
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Starting a new relationship, ending a relationship, negotiating within a partnership for the first time, practicing differentiation, having kids - all of these changes can be positive, exciting, and beneficial, but they can also bring up stress.
Making sense of all those conflicting emotions can be challenging. If you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed by your relationship(s), that is SO OK!! And, this is the episode for you! We talk about a ton of powerful tools you can use to stay grounded while navigating relationship changes and growth.
Embracing your agency in the face of change is a huge part of the individuation work we talk so much about. Listen to learn more!
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
When one person in a monogamous relationship announces to their partner that they are polyamorous, it can be shocking, and it can bring up a lot of feelings. Some people call this “polybombing” - maybe you’ve heard the term before, maybe you’ve experienced it.
We know - from experience - that there are some pretty big dos and don’ts for this conversation, and in this episode we’re talking about how to present this information you’ve discovered about yourself in a way that fosters a sense of openness.
Don’t fret: there is SO much to learn about regulation and communication, and there are so many tools that can help you stay present during this kind of challenging conversation and the many others that come along with deep relationships!
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Veto power: What is it? What are the pros of cons of using it in polyamorous relationships? Could the desire to exercise it be a relic from your monomind?
Spoiler alert: we aren’t fans of veto power. It can feel like a protective measure, but veto power can actually inhibit the trust and personal growth that makes relationships strong.
There are many ways to create safety and negotiate boundaries without having to incorporate a power imbalance into your love life—and we’re talking about them in this episode. We also share some of our own experiences with veto power, and answer a lot of questions you may have about metamours, negotiation, and much more.
If you’ve used veto power in your relationships before, it’s never to late to revisit the conversation—no matter how challenging that may be!
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
‘Agreements’ and ’consequences’ can feel like big scary words, but they are not the same things and ‘rules’ and ‘punishments.’ In fact, when you put these frameworks into practice, they can actually make you feel so much more security and relief.
We discuss why it’s important, especially in non-monogamous relationships, to have clear agreements, and to have clear next steps for what happens when those agreements are broken.
We walk through some example scenarios and discuss the benefits of proactive problem solving as opposed to leaving these important decisions to be made in the moment.
We also talk about needs, wants, boundaries, and ultimatums, and how having nuanced, regulated, intentional conversations about these subjects can create parameters for creative connection while maintaining ease and safety.
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Relationship “work” doesn’t have to feel like work! With some re-framing and a playful attitude, the work can feel a lot more like play!
What does it mean to ‘do the work’ in your relationship? This phrase gets tossed around all the time, but in this episode we’re digging into what relationship work can actually look like for you.
There are a few key ingredients for doing the work that, when missing, can leave you feeling lost in the process: effort, attitude, and structure.
We discuss how to determine where to direct your efforts and the importance of collaborating to clarify a purpose in your relationship. We also talk about specific tools you can use to give this process a structure that will help you stay connected and on track towards your growth goals.
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
If you’ve had a partner bring up the possibility of non-monogamy, and your reaction was - ‘why am I not enough?’ - you’re not alone. We dive into why this feeling comes up so often for people who are exploring non-monogamy, and we discuss what depth psychology can teach us about how to move through this painful feeling.
We share our personal experiences of feeling unvalued in relationships, and of struggling to support partners through their own feelings of low self-worth while moving through different stages of an open relationship.
This feeling doesn’t have to last forever—in fact, non-monogamy and the individuation work that comes with it can help you to address preexisting, underlying self-worth issues and foster a sense of stability and resilience.
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Conversations about de-escalation can stir up a lot of fear—change freaks us out!—but things are always changing in our relationships, especially when we’re exploring non-monogamy and untangling ourselves from the fairy tale, rom-com version of love.
De-escalation doesn’t always have to be a sudden, slam-on-the-brakes change—we discuss how de-escalation can be a pragmatic, intentional way of attending to what the situation actually needs, instead of following the traditional relationship stepladder.
We share some of our own experiences of escalating and de-escalating our relationship, we talk about our ongoing processes of questioning and re-imagining the cultural narratives of breakups, and we discuss the challenges of navigating parenting and relationship changes.
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
What if you didn’t have to cut yourself off from your own toxic attractions? Sounds ridiculous, right? I MUST have to go cold turkey on my romanticization of a***hole behavior. But what if exploring them took your personal growth journey to the next level?
In this episode, we’re diving deep into why that kinky stuff is so yummy, and what you can do to leverage your toxic romanticizations into growth + fun.
We’re joined by Sunny Megatron, a sex, kink, and BDSM educator and media personality, and we get into all the juicy details of how exploring taboo subjects can actually help you express yourself, explore your unconscious, form stronger boundaries, regain a sense of agency, and process past traumas.
Sunny Megatron is an award-winning Sexologist, Kink & BDSM Educator, Certified Sex Educator and Relationship Coach, and media personality. If you haven’t followed her socials yet, you’re really missing out!
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Conflict happens. Especially when differentiation and individuation are parts of your personal and relational journeys. And that’s a good thing!
Enter Imago Dialogue, a communication tool created by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. Not only can it transform your communication, using Imago Dialogue can transform conflict into more connection.
Whether you’re practicing Imago Dialogue with a romantic partner, family member, or friend, the core idea behind it is something a lot of us have talked about before: I want to feel understood. I want you to understand me!
We walk through the steps of Imago Dialogue, but we also go deeper and talk about how you can set yourself up for success. We talk about practical tools, like emotional regulation techniques, to use before and after your conversation, and we walk through an entire real-life, real-time example of using Imago Dialogue.
Learn more about Dr. Harville Hendrix’s and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt’s work here: www.HarvilleAndHelen.com
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
You can be fully immersed in polyamory, living and breathing the non-monogamous lifestyle, and still be stuck in a monogamous mindset. If you feel split, conflicted, like you’re living in bifurcated parallel universes between different partners, you’re not alone.
The paradigm of monogamy runs deep in our society, so it’s no surprise that many people have a hard time breaking out of monogamous internal frameworks, even when so much of their lives reflects their polyamorous identity.
That’s why this conversation is so important—we're talking about shaking away the stigma and learning how to find and process your internalized polyphobia.
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Have you ever felt like you’re caught in a mix of jealousy and compersion? Like you want to be happy for your partner, but there’s also this feeling of jealousy tugging at you? You are so not alone. Dr. Marie Thouin has joined us on Playing With Fire before, but this time is extra special, because we’ve coined a new word for that conflicted feeling—comperstruggle! And we’re telling you all about it.
Making the transition from comperstruggle to compersion isn’t always easy, but in this episode we go deep into how self-care, working with your emotions, and strong agreements and communication with your partners can make all the difference while you navigate this challenging space.
Go to WhatIsCompersion.com to book a FREE 30 minutes session with Dr. Marie Thouin, and to download her compersion worksheet
Follow her on Instagram @love_insight_dating
JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. The waitlist is open now at www.theyearofopening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Read more about comperstruggle on my blog
If you’re at the beginning of you non-monogamy journey, or if you’re feeling a little stuck and you don’t know where to turn for community, this episode is for you. We’re joined by Emma and Fin from the Normalizing Non-Monogamy Podcast to discuss all things community.
We talk about why community is so important for people who are exploring non-monogamy, the challenges that come with the process of finding and building community, communication and connection in long term relationships, coming out, balancing authenticity and safety while navigating different social contexts, conflict, privacy, and how all of these things might impact your own personal growth and self-care journeys.
Normalizing Non-Monogamy isn’t just a podcast—it’s also a thriving virtual community of people from all around the world. Click here to check it out!Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com.
Struggling with your own jealousy?
Partner struggling with jealousy?
Friends/community arguing about how to handle jealousy?
This episode was MADE for you.
The jealousy roadmap emerged directly from my qualitative research on jealousy. Since then I’ve put it to the test with hundreds of people- it works.
And I want you to have it for free because jealousy is a normal emotion and you deserve to feel empowered to work with jealousy proactively.
You’ll also want to download >>>The Jealousy Roadmap Workbook HERE
BONUS!!! If this gets you excited, take the next step and download The Jealousy Masterclass — a 3-hour seminar and 30-page workbook perfect for continuing your jealousy shadow work 50% off because I LOVE that you are diving into your jealousy work!
GET THE JEALOUSY MASTERCLASS 50% off
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Stuck on step 5 of the jealousy roadmap? Nurture Compersion by checking out Dr. Marie Thouin's work at www.WhatIsCompersion.com
How does it go for you to show up with all your unique you-ness? Of course some of you is private, but it can be tricky to bring the rest of you out into your relationships. We talk with distinguished psychotherapist and renowned speaker Rachel Wright about our various experiences being out as our individual selves.
For more from Rachel:
www.rachelwrightnyc.com
The Wright Conversations podcast
Instagram: @thewright_rachel
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
There are things you can do to build intimacy in your relationships, and things you can do that can break it down. We're talking about wording agreements and commitments in ways that avoid leaving back doors you can sneak out of. and leave you present to your partners and yourself. And what can happen if you don't.
The September 2023 cohort of the Year of Opening is enrolling now! Click here to get more information, or to get on the waitlist for January 2024.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli one on one? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
Do the limited choices on the mainstream relationship menu leave you feeling restless and looking for something else? Do you think something more customized would suit you and your partners or partner better? I hear you, so we're talking with guest expert Carrie Jeroslow, host of Relationship Diversity Podcast. We talk about solo-amory, the line between monogamy and non-monogamy, embracing discomfort, the value of intention in relationships - we packed a lot in here.
Click here to download a free guide to explore Relationship Diversity
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
Non-monogamy is a big adventure. It's also a huge source of fear and dysregulation for a lot of us.
Individuating also involves quite a bit of discomfort.
When that all gets too much, you can fall back on your routes to safety. If you're not familiar with yours, check out Jake Ernst and the resource link below. But what if you've outgrown your old familiar routes and they don't work as well anymore? No fear, we've got some strategies for managing that.
Download the Routes of Safety resource by Jake Ernst
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
If you've got a relationship that's feeling like it's hit a plateau, what can you do? It doesn't matter if it's with a romantic partner or a friend or a family member, the moves are pretty similar. We've been there, and we're talking about options to enhance your own aliveness, and the vitality of your relationships. It's not particularly complicated, but it might be hard. How hard it is is specific to you and your relationship.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
Wiggly, firm, soft, rigid - peens are shape shifters. Why does that matter? Well, somebody you know might have one, and they might have feelings about that, what with the cultural pressures brought to bear on them. Guest expert Michelle Renee started Soft Cock Week, we talk with her about why she did that, what it's for, what's in it for you, and lots more about finding pleasure in life.
Go to SoftCockWeek.com for resources, upcoming events, opportunities to participate and contribute.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
You're alive in a human body, so you have a nervous system, and sometimes it freaks out. What do you do then? We learned Neuro-Somatic Intelligence from the incomparable Elisabeth Kristof, Melanie Weller, and Matt Bush, and they have the same problems we all do. So we got them to share some of their stories of how they use the tools they teach us in their daily lives, and how you can learn to use them too.
They're enrolling their next cohort now, so go to Brain Based Wellness to get their free workshop and start working with Elisabeth, Mark, and Melanie.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
How much more satisfying would work be if you brought more of yourself into your work relationships? Joli talks with Beth Hankes (she/her) about the benefits of bringing your relational skills into the business environment. Beth is the Founder and CEO of Earth and Salt in Burlington, VT, whose mission is to see all people free to live in their pleasure.
Join Beth's mailing list at earthandsaltshop.com, and follow on IG at @earthandsaltshop
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
Guess what they didn't teach us in school?
HOW TO DATE.
Much less how to date MINDFULLY.
Even less-less when we are ready to date non-monogamously.
My lovely colleague and fellow Ph.D. Researcher, Dr. Marie Thouin, decided to take this matter into her own hands... She talks with us about mindful dating and how you can turn dating into something joyful!
So many good reasons to work with Marie and get more pleasure out of your dating experience, and she's offering a 30 minute free intro session at https://www.whatiscompersion.com/
You can also find her at https://www.loveinsight-dating.com/
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
Have you been working on your relationships so hard you've lost the sense of joy and pleasure of it all?
Time for something new!
Megan is an expert in coming home to our innate capacity to relate to your Self & Other by engaging with the natural world & your body
Listen in as we bask in the joy of creating something new.
We've been cooking up an exciting new project that will take you to your body & soul with ease & meaning. Check it out https://www.wetravel.com/trips/the-nature-of-relating-megan-bhatia-llc-costa-rica-43821186
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
Non-monogamy comes in as many forms as there are people imagining outside the norm. Imagination is the tool we use to dream the dream forward to what's next. When you follow your imagination that way you gain a better understanding of yourself.
Relationships that focus on growth don't have to be non-monogamous, but non-monogamy creates tons of opportunities to make your unconscious stuff conscious. It will also likely challenge you to face your relational wounds and fears. This might sound like its not a ton of fun but in practice it isn't just the tough stuff that surfaces- it also reveals deep layers of joy and pleasure. Knowing that you are in a psychological relationship makes the waves of stuff meaningful so you can get into the juicy fun too!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
How do you handle wigging out, feeling like a mess, or in technical terms getting dysregulated? Well, we rely on tools we learned from applied neurologist Elisabeth Kristof, and now you can hear about them directly from her! Learning how to work with your unique nervous system is like getting the cheat code to be more present in your life, have access to pleasure, and be more of who you want to be even when stuff gets tough.
After listening you're going to want to know how to work with Elisabeth, you can find out at brainbased-wellness.com. And now she's offering two free weeks of live and on-demand coaching at freeneurotrial.com!
And... hey... if you've been wanting to train to be a Neuro-Somatic Coach a new cohort enrolls this fall- learn more by booking a call with Elisabeth HERE
Elisabeth Kristof, MA, is an expert in nervous system health for trauma resolution and behavior change. She is the founder of Brain-Based Wellness, an online platform that trains the nervous system and body to resolve old patterns, improve performance and increase well-being. She is co-host of the Trauma Rewired podcast that explores the neurology of complex trauma.
Elisabeth is a certified applied neurology and somatics practitioner who has been in the wellness industry since 2007. She works with entrepreneurs, athletes, leaders and creatives to improve resilience, manage stress and regulate emotions through intentional, science-based brain training.
Her research and work with hundreds of clients has taught her that healing and change must occur in both the body and the mind, that each body, mind, and nervous system is unique, and most importantly, that with the right tools, we are all capable of healing.
She is also the founder of Neuro-Somatic Intelligence Certification, an ICF-accredited course that teaches leading-edge, somatic coaching that creates client transformation from the body to the brain.
Curious if you're ready to open your relationship successfully? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Swinging, sex clubs, bdsm, lifestyle - if you're into stories about these things, this episode is for you. Ashley Weller from the What's Your Position podcast joins us to share her experiences with and perspectives on sex,
Check out Ashley's Instagram, @whatsyourpositionpodcast! And listen to the podcast!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
Relationships require so many different skills. Do you ever struggle to process an argument, or to identify what you really want and need?
Dedeker, Emily, and Jase, the hosts of the Multiamory podcast and authors of the book Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships, talk with us about relationship tools that work for ALL relationship structures.
This is a must-listen whether you are non-monogamous, monogamous, or just want to upgrade your communication skills for every area of your life!
Order their book at multiamory.com/book. (order your copy now!)
Subscribe to the multamory podcast in your favorite podcast player app.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Want support on your opening? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
Struggling with intimacy but you've already tried everything? Not sure what could possibly help? Surrogate partner therapy is amazing and we want you to know more about it! Brian Gibney, a Surrogate Partner Therapist talks with us about how he and other SPTs help people build trust and communication that allows them to experience physical touch with safety and connection.
For more information about Surrogate Partner Therapy and Brian Gibney go to BrianGibney.org,
Resources mentioned in the episode:
https://www.surrogatepartnercollective.org/
https://www.embracespt.org/
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Want more support in your journey? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
Did you jump into the open waters and find the water kinda choppy? Totally normal, we're sharing:
-How the scientific method can help you do this all with less pain (really!)
-Why you are struggling with managing change
-What do you need to consider about starter boundaries for opening
There are a lot of changes to navigate, but you don't have to figure it all out by yourself. We're outlining how we recommend navigating the change, strategically avoiding pitfalls by taking a tested approach, and, bottom line, how to open up without burning things down. Or, if you're already scorched around the edges, let's talk about how to handle that too.
www.theyearofopening.com
Want to open up with support? email Joli @ JoliHamilton.com and find out how
Referenced:
Maxx Hill's Relationship Smorgasbord
What if you could get to know your power intimately, and so get to know your whole self? What if you could use your story to have the life, pleasure, and relationships you want? Check out our chat with the incomparable Mollena Williams-Haas, Kink Doula, writer, performer, and podcast host. Listen to her share some of her story of power exchange and authenticity with you.
Click here for the Kink Doula - Sign up for Mollena's mailing list - there's a free class available when you sign up.
Click here to listen to Mollena's podcast All That and Mo (you'll be glad you did)
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
Jung has this great quote “Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.” The shadow of love is power in Jung's estimation.
I look around the world and that sure seems true on a grand scale. And in our daily life, I think we mean to center love rather than power in our close relationships...but in reality, most of us struggle with power.
We struggle to accept that we want unnegotiated power (entitlement)
or
We struggle to accept that we want to experience a lack of power (martyrdom)
or
We struggle to accept that having power--even power we didn't ask for-- means having great responsibility (cue the Spiderman theme song)
But we aren't taught how to share power with our partners. How to be real about the shadow element that is ruling so much of our love life.
This isn't an episode about the grand scale- we are talking about how we made a mess of our loving home by ignoring the power dynamics at work under the surface and WHAT we each did to reverse the problem.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
It's no secret that we started our relationship in a bad place.
Together, we worked and learned our way from a painful, confused state to a conscious, growth-oriented, and gentle love.
We transformed that messy, painful relationship by taking a page (several thousand pages, actually) from the world of kink.
Kinksters regularly talk about power exchange--we think everyone should.
Every single day Joli hears from people who don't recognize that unnegotiated power dynamics are creating suffering in their most cherished relationships.
Want an unconventionally happy life? You've got to start dealing with the power dynamics in your relationships.
In this episode, we're talking about how we:
- make power visible in our daily life
- unpack old icky-but-comfortable manipulative habits
- practice reading each other's minds (you can too!)
- make (& keep) thoughtful, creative agreements rather than rely on social norms for security
Referenced in the episode:
Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington & Mollena Williams (if you love that, check out Mollena's podcast All That and Mo')
Thinking about opening your relationship? Joli has a free salon happening soon to get you started with the 5 pillars you NEED to do it well.
If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process?
Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do.
Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? It happens, and it means that it is time to get conscious and practical about shadow work.
Want to take this further? Joli's Sexual Shadow Masterclass is a great next step.
We mentioned a couple of songs in this episode, here are the links for Spotiify:
The Avett Brothers - The Perfect Space
Suzanne Vega - Don't Uncork What You Can't Contain
Having a plan for when your partner goes on a date makes it way more likely that you will both have a positive relationship experience, no matter how the date itself goes.
What goes into our plans? We've got three categories and lots of examples of things that help us and have proven to help Joli's clients handle the big emotions of date nights, so dig in!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Looking for the Neuro-Somatic Intelligence tools we talk about all the time? We've made a FREE video training just for our listeners- find it here
Bringing up non-monogamy can be a shock to your partner's system. But if you never bring it up, you'll never even know what's possible for you.
Here's how you can plan for success and make this potentially shocking conversation an opportunity to upgrade your relational skills.
Resources from this episode:
The conversation guide: www.jolihamilton.com/easy
Our video with tools for nervous system regulation: Neuro-Somatic Intelligence ™ for Navigating Change
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
Libby Sinback, from Making Polyamory Work joins Joli for a conversation about one of the BEST parts of shifting from monogamy to non-monogamy: community that supports your authentic self.
More connection is why so many of us practice non-monogamy, but it's not always clear how to actually make the community we long for. Listen as we provide both inspiration and practical advice on how to find, create, and enjoy non-monogamous community!
Learn more about Libby at https://libbysinback.com/
Hear more from Libby on Making Polyamory Work Podcast
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Resources and communities mentioned in the episode:
The Year of Opening Group with Joli
Relational Non-monogamy Circles with Libby
Multiamory Patreon Community
Normalizing Non-monogamy Community
Esther Perel Discussion Group
The Daylovers Support Groups
Poly.land Discord Community
Is polyamory something innate in you, like an orientation? Is it a practice? A philosophy? A mindset? An identity? A choice?
Being able to describe your approach to polyamory makes it easier to connect with others, build community, and choose partners from a place of enthusiastic, informed consent.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
It's our 100th episode of Playing with Fire!
This podcast was intended to be 13 episodes to cover each chapter of Joli's first book... and here we are with 100 episodes in and feeling more excited about this shared project than we ever dreamed.
Every relationship benefits from a shared purpose (see episode 65), but so often, the shared project defaults to householding and/or kids.
Proactively creating shared purpose beyond the banal is an option. For us, it's been a magnificent addition to our connection. Especially as our kids grow up and we face a (sort-of) empty nest during the college years- it was looking easier to turn to other relationships for creative, vulnerable fun. And then Playing with Fire was born.
This episode is highly personal and also designed to be inspirational.
We did what we do whenever we are having a relationship retrospective: one part analysis (Ken's a scrum guy, of course), one part gratitude, and one part weird. I love adding the weird- why even bother being alive if not to be weird?
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
It's normal to want your relationship to feel secure.
It's normal to want to individuate.
It's normal to want to explore what life can look like beyond the constraints of default monogamy.
But how do you actually deal with your specific attachment wounds and still create a love that makes space for multiple loving connections?
Joli & Jessica dove into how attachment theory can help us make a relationship that actually works for us, but we went beyond the surface of attachment theory. Y'all are smart- and she's done a lot of interviews already (google is your friend), so I wanted to go deeper and find out how Jessica weaves other theories into her work and how she helps people move out of relational trauma loops and into the life they desire.
Jealousy, internal family systems/parts work, and narrative therapy... oh, and some sneak peeks of Jessica's upcoming book Polywise!
Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love.
Learn more at www.JessicaFern.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
Joli here- how many times have you heard one of these gems? You're a lot. You're intimidating. You're an energizer bunny. You're hyper-productive. You must never rest. You're just too much.
Tell me, who are you comparing me to when you make this pronouncement?
Ken sat down to talk out one of my core wounded parts, the girl who gets told she's intimidating in every way. It was good medicine for me, and I hope listening in offers the same to you.
If you've been told you're too much, I hope I hear more from you. Get louder, dance more wildly, splash color everywhere... be you where I can see, please!
If you're ready to be all of you, consider embarking on your individuation journey working with Joli personally. There's only one remaining spot for 2023 Click here to apply for individuation coaching.
Does the thought of your partner being with someone else make you...hot as hell?
You aren't alone.
Though jealousy is often thought of as the LAST thing anyone would want in their life, that's not the only way it goes. In Joli's phenomenological research, 30% of participants reported sexual, juicy responses when they felt jealous.
Turning the standard jealousy narrative on its head is a delicious opportunity- and in this very personal episode, we're talking about how working with jealousy differently over the past two decades has led to some transformative and HOT times.
It really is possible to get off on the complex feeling of jealousy- come hear how we've been working with it to do just that.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
Seeking open relationship bliss?
Great. Us too. And all my clients. You're not alone.
Every week I hear from at least a few people who want to know if they should try to open right from the start or whether they need to solidify their couplehood first. Everyone seems to have a strong opinion, and I hear a ton of FEAR that if you get this wrong, you're relationship is going to be so.much.harder. This episode hits a lot of non-monogamy hot-buttons, so get ready to consider things from multiple angles!
Are you ready to have an unconventional love? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
Joli offers both private and group coaching on non-monogamy as psychological individuation work. There's nothing else like it! Apply to work with Joli here
Creating the relationship you really want begins with the ENVISIONING process. Plus, it's really easy to find yourself in relationships that don't fit right (but do feel familiar) unless you actively participate in the relationship envisioning process.
This conversation is like being a fly on the wall of our relationship- Ken's sharing how he wound up in a marriage that was completely the opposite of what his soul truly longed for, and Joli's got some tips for how to get started in your own envisioning process.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
I (Joli) love romantic friendships. Ones that have a deeply intimate quality and the capacity to have honest conversations about boundaries and relationship agreements. Ones that feel soft, warm, and connected. But romantic friendships scare some people- it makes sense because they are one way we can live beyond the boxes of patriarchal convention. Developing romantic friendships takes intentionality and creativity... and it's totally worth it! There are two big takeaways at the end that will get you started breaking the norms and building the friendships you truly want!
Are you ready to have an unconventional love? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
Joli offers both private and group coaching on non-monogamy as psychological individuation work. There's nothing else like it! Apply to work with Joli here
This week we are sharing our most popular episode ever- this one is a not-to-miss!
Relationship agreements might sound dry but the process of co-creating relationship bliss is NOT dry in the least. This episode is part explanation, part demonstration of how we review and negotiate the living document that is our relationship agreement. We found a hole in one of ours while recording that we need to address--No relationship escapes being a work in progress, including ours.
Are you ready to open up happily? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
Joli offers both private and group coaching on non-monogamy as psychological individuation work. There's nothing else like it! Apply to work with Joli here
Relationships are where we seek security, so making changes can feel particularly scary or overwhelming. Don't let this fear stop you from creating the custom-built relationship you really want! This episode is all about how you can shift your experience of opening up from fearful to hopeful starting today.
How ready are you--right now-- to open your marriage? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
Joli offers both private and group coaching for people who want to make their relationships as unique as they are themselves. This is relational psychological individuation work. There's nothing else like it! Apply to work with Joli here
"Why are you doing it like that?"
Whether your criticism is about something as mundane as loading the dishwasher or as complex as managing new relationship energy, poorly timed, unsolicited criticism doesn't actually get us the connection we're longing for.
Dr. Jessica Higgins joins us this week to offer clarity on what criticism is really telling us and what we can do to shift our feedback patterns.
Dr. Jessica Higgins holds two graduate degrees in psychology, two coaching certifications, and over 20 years of experience helping clients achieve successful results. As the host of the Empowered Relationship Podcast, she helps people navigate the terrain of long-lasting intimacy more skillfully and mindfully. Through her coaching and online course, clients transform pain into love and connection.
Listeners can download Dr. Jessica’s free guide “Is Criticism Tearing Your Relationship Apart?” here
How ready are you--right now-- to open your marriage? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
Joli offers both private and group coaching for people who want to make their relationships as unique as they are themselves. This is relational psychological individuation work. There's nothing else like it! Apply to work with Joli here
Want a more expansive, custom-designed life? You need to take some risks and make changes. BUT--before you go committing to permanent change, learn exactly how to use one of Joli's most-trusted tools for minimizing risk while making exciting changes in your relationships.
How ready are you--right now-- to open your marriage? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
Joli offers both private and group coaching for people who want to make their relationships as unique as they are themselves. This is relational psychological individuation work. There's nothing else like it! Apply to work with Joli here
Relationships get stronger and healthier when you talk about them with your partners. For that you're going to need shared language and meaning, Learning the jargon of relationship styles is so helpful! So, here's how we think about relationship labels---open relationship, kitchen table polyamory, relationship anarchy, and lots more.
As mentioned in the episode, for more information on relationship anarchy, read Andie Nordgren’s Relationship Anarchy Manifesto
Are you ready to have an unconventional love? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
Joli offers both private and group coaching on non-monogamy as psychological individuation work. There's nothing else like it! Apply to work with Joli here
Do you wish desire just magically ramped up without any effort? It certainly does sometimes, but most of the time desire flows better because we actively FUEL desire. This week we're talking about the things that block your access to desire and what to do about those blocks.
Desire does not have to be elusive, so if you struggle here rest assured it is 100% normal to need to learn the skills of building desire in yourself and in your relationships.
Link to the research on responsive desire by Bancroft & Janssen
See also: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Are you ready to have an unconventional love? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
Joli offers both private and group coaching on non-monogamy as psychological individuation work. There's nothing else like it! Apply to work with Joli here
Sure, it sounds fun, but is polyamory actually practical? And what if you have kids-- it's already tough to find time-- how can this work? What about STIs? Unplanned pregnancy? Or what if we find out we aren't a good fit anymore? When these big questions loom its helpful to hear from people who've been there, done, got the t-shirt.
If you're new to polyamory this interview is especially well-suited for you!
Laura Boyle, the author of Ready for Polyamory joins us to talk about how this all really works.
They can visit www.readyforpolyamory.com/about for a complete listing of all Laura's content both free and paid, or for bite-sized polyamory content follow her on Instagram and TikTok @readyforpolyamory.
Conventional wisdom tells us marriage is all about compromise and we are not here for it. Honestly, conventional wisdom will, at best get you a conventional relationship... and if you are here you want way more than that kind of life. Let's talk about what compromise does to your individuation path, where compromise is appropriate, and how to choose an uncompromising intimacy with love and compassion.
Are you ready to have an unconventional love? Take this 2 minute quiz and see!
Joli offers both private and group coaching on non-monogamy as psychological individuation work. There's nothing else like it! Apply to work with Joli here
"I want to feel less jealousy and more compersion- HELP!" There's no one in the world who can speak to this topic like Dr. Marie Thouin, so we were thrilled to have this conversation with her. Compersion is the feeling of joy for another's joy, and it's often seen as the opposite of jealousy. Every week I hear people wrestling with jealousy and trying to move toward compersion, but what is compersion beyond that short definition? What conditions help us feel compersion and what hinders compersion? Marie is bringing us answers directly from her research. If you love Joli's jealousy work- wait till you hear where the collaboration of jealousy researcher + compersion researcher takes us!
Want to know more about Dr. Thouins work? Go to her website www.WhatIsCompersion.com to read more about her research & join the mailing list, and also book a free 30-min exploratory session for dating & relationship coaching at www.LoveInSight-Dating.com.
...also follow Marie on Instagram, @love_insight_dating
Have a question you'd like us to answer on a follow-up episode? email ken@jolihamilton.com and we'll add your question to the queue!
It's totally normal to be moody, triggered, and reactive but it takes a TOLL on your relationships if you don't know how to get back out of those states.
You perceive the world---and all your relationships---through your nervous system. Sensory information comes in and your brain interprets it. So it makes sense that learning how to regulate your nervous system is a key part of making your relationship feel safe and satisfying.
This has all felt like a great idea for a long time but learning practical tools--and when exactly to use them--really changed everything.
If you're looking for support to make the shift from monogamy to something more, apply to work with Joli here
Not sure you're ready yet? Take the quiz to find out if you're Ready to Open Up Happily?
Do you experience jealousy as overwhelming, painful, or disruptive? How about envy? Yeah- most people agree, there's more pain than fun packed into these feelings. But, like other big emotions, jealousy and envy have are rich with gold you for your individuation journey. The trick is to begin seeing these green-eyed monsters for their archetypal content rather than as something to solve.
Jealousy and envy won't necessarily become your favorite emotional experiences, but they can absolutely become part of your personal growth process starting today.
Joli's spent the past decade researching to bring you practical methods for working with jealousy & envy whether you are non-monogamous, monogamous, or just figuring out what the right relationship style is for you.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Do you want to grow into the most authentic version of your Self that you can be? The good news is that you get to choose that, and all you need is within reach right now. Typically, individuation is seen as a solo activity, a deep inner journey that often comes with an image of the hermit. But we've found that relational individuation is another VERY fruitful option. This week we are talking about what steps you can take to engage fully in your journey whether your life partner/s is/are interested in psychological development or not.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Do you want to explore non-monogamy? Are you curious about how conscious relationships can take you to new levels of growth in your psychological individuation? In Playing With Fire, which grew out of the Project Relationship podcast, Joli and Ken co-host weekly intimate conversations from the inside of a non-monogamous, individuation-oriented marriage. We’re sharing tools and strategies for making your relationship into one that helps you feel seen, known, and supported as you become the most YOU version of you possible.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Are your relationships messy? That's more than OK - learning more about your particular relationship mess by learning about others can save you a lot of time and pain. So we talked with Kate Loree, LMFT, a sex-positive licensed marriage and family therapist with a specialty in non-monogamous, kink, LGBTQ, and sex worker communities. She's the author of Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships, and together she and Joli share their thoughts about their work and experiences with open relationships.
Buy Kate's book, Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships
Listen to the Open Deeply Podcast with Kate and Sunny Megatron.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
Burnout sucks, and it's everywhere. We talk with Jim Young, The Centered Coach, about his book Expansive Intimacy and about intimacy as the opposite of burnout. His book will be available this fall (2022).
Check out Jim's website at www.thecenteredcoach.com.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
Visiting a pleasure-centered shop can be an inspiring and exciting experience for singles, couples, and moresomes. Beth Hankes from Earth and Salt shares how and why she decided to open her shop, and why it's so important for it to be an accessible, informative, supportive place.
Beth Hankes (she/her) is the Founder and CEO of Earth and Salt, and a sex education certificate student at the Institute for Sexuality Education and Enlightenment. She has a BA in Art History and Studio Art from Mount Holyoke College, and a Masters in Museum Studies from Harvard Extension School.
After concurrent years of identifying self-repression, questioning her sexual desires, and health issues, she was inspired to open Earth and Salt. With Earth and Salt, her goals are to normalize sex and pleasure, provide vital sex education to all, and champion other business owners and sexuality professionals, especially those from historically marginalized groups.
You can reach Earth and Salt at their website at www.earthandsaltshop.com, or check out their brick and mortar store in Burlington, VT
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
Tired of trying to find the person you want? There's a faster path and it is completely within your reach. Everyone has the capacity to deepen their intimacy with Self and when you do, you'll find that others respond. Stop trying to be someone for someone else and BE YOU.
Joli talks with the incomparable Allana Pratt about the pains and perils of trying to date without doing your personal work.
BONUS: this episode opens up with a conversation between Joli & Ken. We are getting super vulnerable about what's going on for us right now and it's not all pretty. If you've ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes, you don't want to miss this episode!
Today's guest:
Intimacy Expert, Allana Pratt is a global media personality and go-to authority for those who have suffered heartbreak and are ready to live unapologetically and attract an open-hearted ideal relationship. She has been chosen as an Icon of Influence, is a columnist on the GoodMenProject, and has been featured on Huffington Post, People Magazine, Forbes, CBS, ABC & FOX, and more.
This Ivy League grad is the Author of 6 books, has interviewed Whoopi Goldberg and Alanis Morissette, and Hosts the edgy Podcast “Intimate Conversations” where listeners learn how to find the relationship they deserve. A certified coach with close to 5 million viewers on YouTube, Allana was asked by Leeza Gibbons to coach her during Dancing with the Stars.
While supporting a number of nonprofits, Allana has created a new category with an inclusive Partnering App & Intimacy Training app called HeartMates where members Become the One to Find the One… which Keeps the One! She also offers HeartMates for Couples, private and group coaching plus retreats so that her clients have a thriving intimate relationship with themselves first, which naturally attracts and enhances their ideal partnerships.
Take the free B-Spot Quiz and discover what your hidden blindspot is!
www.allanapratt.com/quiz
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
Have you ever asked your partners how they experience living in their bodies? Have you ever asked yourself what might be unique about your experience of your body? Life promises us all just one thing: change. One of the changes that DEFINITELY deserves more attention is perimenopause! We could have a million conversations about this, and still be surprised every time because there is so much we just don't talk about when it comes to the intricacies of being embodied beings. In this episode we are have the amazing Maraya Brown, a Yale and functional medicine trained nurse midwife, about how being in a body, particularly a body with changing levels of estrogen, affects our experience of the world and others' experience of us.
You can find her work at https://www.marayabrown.com/
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
Am I pure enough? Am I a good _______? Fill in the blank - what were you raised to be, how were you indoctrinated? Do you still agree with it? How do you wish you could move past it?
Lauren Elise Barnes is a certified holistic s*x educator who spent a decade in the maternal health industry. She talks with us about creative monogamy, non-monogamy, and surviving purity culture.
Learn more about Lauren here: https://sexedforyou.com/
You can view the transcript here
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
How do you experience your differences with your partner? Do you feel discomfort, or conflict, or maybe you feel isolated and abandoned? Do you work to mask those differences by trying to meld together, or by acting like someone you're not? Let's talk about how our experience of those differences can help us grow in ourselves and in our relationships
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
Want designer relationships? Want to show up as more of yourself and less of what others might expect, and help your partners do the same? Let's talk about some conversations, actions, and self-reflection that will help us get there.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
Going to a strip club is a great way to expand your erotic life but we have heard from tons of couples who feel a little nervous about it. Even if you've gone before, going as a couple might feel different. In this episode we talk with Elle Stanger, a s*x wrker (yes, we have to get creative with spellings around the internet these days) and AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator about strip club etiquette, treating erotic labor as work, and how to be a decent person in relation with sex workers.
This episode is a ~~ MUST LISTEN ~~ Whether you are chomping to hit the clubs or are just curious about how erotic labor can be made safer for everyone involved your ears are in for a treat.
Please listen to (and share) Elle's podcast at www.theytalksex.com for more perspectives on s*x wrk from someone who knows.
Accountable and reliable- this is what you want from a life partner. But, life moves fast. What happens when you can't keep your word? Or when you change your mind about something that matters to your partner?
One of the things about having a completely unscripted podcast is you get to hear us work through our process live- no edits. In this episode, we talk about what happens in our relationship when one of us says we'll do something and then life happens and things change. Joli had a moment when she kinda blew her own mind by realizing that accountability has a shadow side too.
The truth is we all have to prioritize and sometimes that means we won't be able to keep our word- let's talk about what can you do to make this wobbly part of love--the part where life gets messy-- actually work in your favor.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out www.JoliQuiz.com
We talk with Megan Bhatia from the Amory podcast about our different polyamory journeys, our experiences with family as polyamorous people, and parenting outside the monogamous paradigm.
You can view the transcript here
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
Ready to take your relationships to new levels of growth and satisfaction? In a community of like-minded, growth oriented people with similar goals? Led by a highly trained expert and her experienced partner? Listen to Episode 69 where we share some of our thoughts and experiences about opening relationships, and offer an exciting new opportunity to join a group coaching program designed to help you open your relationship the smart way.
Start by taking the quiz to find out how ready you are to open your relationship happily
If you're ready to start opening your relationship the smart way, go directly to the application!
Join us for the first episode of Season 6! We talk with Elisabeth Kristof of Brain Based Wellness about training your nervous system, and how you can use those skills to improve your relationships. Elisabeth is not only a certified applied neurology coach but also one of Joli's most treasured trauma-informed colleagues.
Visit www.brainbased-wellness.com for a free video series to relieve stress, resolve anxiety and eliminate unwanted behavior!
BONUS: Elisabeth and Joli created a one-of-a-kind workshop called Jealousy Rewired! Get access to this groundbreaking combination of somatic and cognitive tools to transform your jealousy struggles into opportunities https://www.jolihamilton.com/jealousy-rewired
Are you kinky? Nobody but you can answer that question, and nobody but you can decide what it means. There's no board of kink that issues certificates, no licensing board that decides what you can and can't do based on your "kink" status.
In this episode we talk about ways you can explore this question for yourself. And some of the things to think about along the way - practical, psychological, and relational.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
How did we get where we are? What stories do we tell each other (and ourselves) about the decisions that got us here? In this episode we dig into how the way we remember and tell our stories affects the way we view our relationships, and our partners.
Here's the graphic on cognitive bias I mentioned.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
How satisfied are we in our relationships? How satisfied can we be? How do we decide? When we make explicit agreements with our partners, we can start to see clearly how well our relationships serve us. The more we know about our values and our partners' values, the easier it is to make effective explicit agreements, which is what this episode is about. We share experiences with our relationship agreements, and talk about some of the tools we use to help us craft them.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
How do we navigate those times in our relationships when trust has been violated? How can we respond in ways that increase the chance of reconnection? Are there ways to avoid situations that cause trust troubles? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences building and rebuilding trust, and share some strategies for navigating trust issues.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
Have you noticed any patterns in your relationship that play out over and over again? Are there things you do, ways you behave, that leave you in the same ouchy situation every time, but you still keep doing them? Well, that happens to us, and in this episode we talk about how those patterns show up and play out for us, and we share some strategies for interrupting those patterns.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
How do you feel when you get an apology? How about when you offer one? When we hurt each other, how we handle it can strengthen or weaken our relationship, with each other and with ourselves.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
Have you ever had life throw something spectacular at you that inspired (or required) you to grow and change? That can happen, surprising us out of the blue. It can also be something we plan into our lives. In this episode we talk about how we can do that, choosing to use our relationship as the workshop for becoming more ourselves.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
Long term fun? Sign me up! In this episode we talk about generating fun in the context of a relationship. We share some ideas about what could be fun, some thoughts about things that get in the way, and how we can learn from that and bring ourselves more satisfaction.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
What do you do when you have the hots for someone unavailable? In this episode we talk about ways to approach the feelings that come up with unrequited attraction.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
Can anxiety can be an opportunity? Consensual non-monogamy is not simple, and it can lead to anxiety. In this episode we talk about how that anxiety can be an opportunity and a guide to learn more about ourselves and our relationships.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
What if we want to show affection without being sexual? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences with difficulties that can come up around expressing and engaging in intimacy outside sexual relationships.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
It sounds kind of weird, but monogamy isn’t necessarily the opposite of non-monogamy. In this episode we talk about how we decide what the boundaries of our relationships are, and share some ideas about how we can stretch our imaginations to bring more of what we want into those relationships.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
Talking with your kids about your relationships as a parent can be really beneficial for all of you, but it does take some care and attention. In this episode we talk about our experiences talking with our kids over the years about our consensual non-monogamy, sharing the problems and the benefits of those conversations.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
Are you married to your best friend? Do you have several best friends? Do you have friends that aren't best? In this episode we're talking about the nature of adult friendships, about the skills of friendship, and we're asking a lot of questions.
Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
The many marriages model has helped us manage to stay both committed and independent over the long term. In this episode we are talking about what happens when a marriage goes through inevitable change, because change is the only guarantee we get in life. So, when change shows up, what do you do? Do you resist and try to keep your marriage as it always has been or do you transition with grace?
Once again, rituals can facilitate strong, growth-oriented transitions. Check out chapter 12 in Project Relationship for an easy template to create a ritual that will help you make the most of change in your love life: Get the book Project Relationship.
One of the tools we suggest is learning to tolerate ambiguity because there are big gains to be made when we can do that. Here's an article from Ness Labs that explains the theory https://nesslabs.com/ambiguity-effect
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
What makes for well-done casual play? In this episode we're talking about practical considerations for hosting or attending a sex party. How do we set up a safe place for people to share erotic play? How do we make sure consent is part of everything all the time? What should we do to normalize sharing STI information? What about exit strategies, safe words, logistics, ground rules? If everyone can safely pursue pleasure and we all take care of each other, we have the best chance of connecting to people and making happy, sexy memories.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
No matter how good your sex life is, we're all growing, changing critters in a dynamic world. So something will change and we'll want to adapt so we can have the best sex we can. In this episode we're talking about how to make sex better by sharing feedback about our sexual experiences.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
Envy is kind of like a feeling of want, except that it totally bites. In this episode we are digging into envy: how it can get in the way of our relationships and leave us feeling totally worthless at times. But we can use some of the same tools we use for jealousy to notice it's there and help us through it to a better understanding of ourselves.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
Do you want to give gifts that inspire feelings of love and pleasure? In this episode we're talking about focusing on the feelings we create and understanding our people, so we know what and how they like to receive gifts. Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages can be a useful model for helping us understand ourselves and each other, and the more we talk to each other and collaborate on designing the celebrations we want, the more likely we are to get them.
Take the free, quick love languages quiz on Gary Chapman's site https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
There are lots of disruptors to sex - kids, grief, burnout, pandemics... In this episode we're talking about ways to get the hotness back, or keep things hot, or make them even hotter. And how to decide when it's time to ask for help - from books, podcasts, and best of all humans.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
Poly is not mono! Which might sound silly, but in this case we mean that polyamory is not monolithic. There are as many ways to have polyamorous relationships as there are people having them, and the differences between them are a lot of nuance. In this episode we talk with our guest, Leah Marshall, about the way she experiences her relationships, and how that's different from us.
Leah is the founder and leader of the Esther Perel Discussion Group on Facebook, a community of over 13K members from across the globe who regularly discuss relationships, intimacy, sex, desire, and infidelity. You can connect with Leah on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZOqckFIqspSVjJi_ILphxg, on her blog at https://leapcastlife.wordpress.com/, and in the Esther Perel Discussion Group at https://facebook.com/groups/793115204193690/
How do you celebrate? Do you wait for a holiday or for someone to tell you it's time to mark an occasion? Celebrations help us see and acknowledge the things that have meaning for us- in other words, they are kindling for the fire of your relationships (romantic and otherwise).
Cited in this episode:
Fiese, B.H. (2002) Family Routines and Rituals May Improve Family Relationships and Health, According to 50-Year Research Review. APA special edition Dec. 2002.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
Every marriage, every relationship is different. In this episode we talk about Ken's first marriage, his experience of infertility, and what he wishes he'd done differently, and why.
As we mentioned in the episode, follow Katy DeJong on Instagram @thepleasureanarchist if you're interested in the best info on infertility, sex, and childlessness. https://www.instagram.com/thepleasureanarchist/
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
Have you ever wondered how other people use porn? In this episode we talk about our own personal answers to that question, including de-stigmatizing porn, sharing it with each other, and ensuring that we are using ethical sources. We've included some links in these show notes to ethical porn sources as well as social media links for some great sex workers and sex educators who advocate for erotic freedom and provide high-quality education about sex and sex work.
A very porn-knowledgable sex educator to follow
https://www.instagram.com/stripperwriter/
Some ethical porn sources:
https://www.bellesa.co/
https://xconfessions.com/
https://www.kink.com/
oooo... and if you like audible erotic stories absolutely check out
https://www.dipseastories.com/
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
"Our relationships with others can only be as strong as our relationship with ourselves." That's just one insight we hear about in this episode during our talk with Melissa. We talk about how to tell the difference between internal and external boundaries, being in integrity, and grounding deeply in our body to help us know what our boundaries need to be.
Melissa is a very experienced guide for people interested in a lifelong journey of growth. If that's you, you should check out her website at www.highersexeducation.com.
If you are as excited as we are about applying for Melissa's boundaries course you can go directly to the application: www.HigherSexEducation.com/boundless-living
Have you ever done something and looked back and said "That's not like me!" How does that happen? What do we do then? How can we use this information to manage ourselves and our relationships better? In this episode we talk about the Jungian concept of complexes, and how they can come up and run the show for a while.
For reference, here are couple of powerful quotes from Jung on his model of psychological complexes:
"Complexes interfere with the intentions of the will and disturb the conscious performance; they produce disturbances of memory and blockages in the flow of associations; they appear and disappear according to their own laws; they can temporarily obsess consciousness, or influence speech and action in an unconscious way. In a word, complexes behave like independent beings. from Jung, C. G., Psychological Factors in Human Behaviour, Collected Works vol 8, par. 253.
"Complexes are focal or nodal points of psychic life which we would not wish to do without; indeed, they should not be missing, for otherwise psychic activity would come to a fatal standstill."Jung, C.G., A Psychological Theory of Types, Collected Works. vol. 6, par. 925.
You may also enjoy reading
Complex, Archetype, Symbol by Jolande Jacobi
The Individuation Principle by Murray Stein
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
It's really helpful to have specific tools to use when we find ourselves managing stress, or sadness, or grief, or any of the other feelings that come with being alive. In this episode we talk about developing methods of self-regulation that help us feel stable and self with ourselves, and then follow that up with looking at co-regulation and how we can help each other.
Cited in this episode:
Butler, E. & Randall, A. (2013) Emotional Coregulation in Close Relationships. Emotion Review, vol. 5 no. 2 pp. 202-210.
"We propose an operational definition for coregulation as a bidirectional linkage of oscillating emotional channels between partners, which contributes to emotional stability for both partners."
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
Last episode we talked about setting up for success starting the first conversation on non-monogamy with your partner. In this episode, we talk about some of the practical details that you'll want to include in the conversation. Your relationships can be whatever you and your partner(s) design together, so let's get into some of the important components of a caring transitional conversation.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
We've had so many questions about this! How do I bring up the idea of non-monogamy with my partner? What can I do to make it go well? Spend a little time with us talking about what we've learned through our experiences and Joli's years of research.
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
Sign up for the Jealousy Rewired workshop on 9/25/2021
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
Jealousy shows up differently for each of us, but it is a typical human experience. In this episode we talk about defining it, dancing with it, and five things we can do to use jealousy to strengthen and deepen our relationships. Joli shares exactly how she found herself studying jealousy every day for the past twelve years and the five-step process she uses to transform jealousy.
Sign up for the Jealousy Rewired workshop on 9/25/2021
Get the book Project Relationship
Learn about Joli and how to work with her
If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
The shift from summer to fall is an easy time to let unexpressed expectations quickly escalate to resentment. Having an intentional conversation about how we share the work of a household is a critical step for keeping your expectations out in the open. Prioritizing love is easier when we regularly revisit how we do this LIFE thing together.
Mentioned in this episode: Four Thousand Weeks is a great read for rethinking how we can make the most of our time.
You can read about having intimate conversations in Joli's book Project Relationship. And you can find information on working with Joli at www.jolihamilton.com.
Want to feel like you're on vacation at home? In this episode we talk about some things you can do to bring that vacation feeling home, and specifically into the bedroom, anytime.
You can read about designing your own rituals in Joli's book Project Relationship. And you can find information on working with Joli at www.jolihamilton.com.
Having a relationship agreement is important, but it can be used to hurt as well as help our relationships. In this episode we talk about what the relationship agreement really is and what it's for, and list some ways to use it to get everybody more security and connection.
Masturbation has gotten all kinds of press over the years - some good, some bad, some clinical. We are fans of masturbation. Let's talk about what it's good for, how you can explore and learn about yourself, and some ways you can use it to enhance your connection to your partners. Bonus, Joli's going in deep with the depth psychology of masturbation on this one too!
Joli calls relationships an individuation accelerator- is your love built for it? Navigating individual differences between partners is not easy (and individuation requires difference!) In this episode, we share some of the ways we manage being vastly different people with divergent interests and goals. We share two key moves you can make to create an individuation relationship of your own. You get to write the script for your relationship yourselves, you don't have to use anybody else's.
Our partner's family can add some challenges to our relationship. In this episode we talk about our own experiences, our mistakes, our successes, and how our relationship deepens because of all of that. Boundary setting plays an important role in all of this, so we refer to the fantastic book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab, and recommend it as a resource for anyone wanting to improve those skills.
Monogamy works really well for a lot of people and yet a recent study showed that group sexual encounters are the number one fantasy in the US. Maybe as a pair, you've started talking about including other people in your sex life. That can be really fun to think about and to talk about. And there is so much to talk about before taking action! In this episode, we share some things to talk about that can help you all get what you want out of the experience, whether it's a one-time thing or something you're interested in long-term, or something that you decide is more fun to fantasize about than act on.
You've heard us talk about making a relationship agreement that really works for your particular love... but what if you have been married and now things have changed? Maybe you still deeply care about each other but you don't want the standard-issue marriage anymore. Is divorce the only option? Divorce or not, there are actually bigger issues to consider if you want to really go from that one-size-fits-all (who are we kidding, one size is not sufficient!) kind of marriage to an exquisitely customized love.
Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
Last time we talked about managing hard times. What about the good times? Sometimes our partner will be having wins, and maybe we're not, and those times can be challenging too. What can we do to help our partner grow into themselves more? How can we help each other grow? How can we maintain and develop our connection when it looks like things might be changing? In this episode we talk about our experiences with this situation, and offer some things we do that help those times develop our relationship.
Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
Heartbreak and sadness show up in all of our lives. How we show up for each other during those times can have a big impact on our relationships. In this episode we talk about some of the ways we support each other through those times, and how both our similarities and differences help us do that.
We are talking relationship agreements again, this time looking at how we actually, practically, maintain ours. We also found a hole in one of ours while recording that we need to address. (No relationship escapes being a work in progress, including ours!)
Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
Quarantine has gone on a long time, now, and most of the natural breaks we used to get have disappeared. As the world opens up we are READY to get some space for sure but honestly, Joli can't wait any longer. Listen to this episode as we brainstorm a way to get a much-needed break from each other with respect and mutual caring. In this episode, we are creating an intentional, well-defined break in our relationship to avoid enmeshment and increase satisfaction. When we say this show is honest, we mean it... this episode found us exploring and co-creating our relationship on the fly.
Marriage is learning all the things you missed on your first meeting. Imagine asking your partner a question you know the answer to and getting a new answer. Does that sound fun, or scary, or both? In this episode we talk about how that works for us, how we make room for each other to change, and how we handle those changes.
Do you ever feel hesitant to share your inner world with your lovers, partners, friends? In this episode we share our experiences and struggles with transparency, and why we lean into it even when it seems hard. (Spoiler alert - it can promote intimacy, passion, and connection.)
Finding a way to play with our partner can change how we experience life. In this episode, we are talking about how we introduce the joy of play into relating, parenting, running a household, and yes, sex too. Married life has piled up the responsibilities but playfulness has been the most consistent way to put the magic back into the mundane.
Developing relationships takes care and courage. This week Angela Lussier joins us and we share thoughts and stories about dating and relationships in general. We talk about what we each want and don't want, what we watch out for and what we seek out, and a little bit about what can happen when we miss the signs.
Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
Sometimes we get caught up in the changes and challenges everyday life brings. In this episode, we talk about some ways we acknowledge and increase meaning in our lives, and in our relationship. Sometimes we do it on purpose, sometimes we look around and say "oh, we do this thing, and it matters to us and helps us connect". Joli referred to this study about relationship rituals, and for more ideas about creating rituals you can check out chapter 12 of Joli's first book, Project Relationship.
Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
There is no one way for relationships to work. What does "work" even mean, really? That is up to the people in the relationship. In this episode, we explore some of the common labels people use to describe their open relationships and what we have decided to use in ours. Of course, labels will only take you so far before you need to dive into the actual meaning behind your words and this can get messy sometimes. The idea of designing a relationship is at the heart of our life. This episode is all about how we have created our open relationship- one that works for us and flexes as we change and grow.
Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
In the second part of a mini-series about shame, Joli shares some vulnerability as we go into her feelings about the rocky early years of our relationship, and the final years of our respective first marriages. That challenging time left its marks, and Joli talks about her experiences with couple’s privilege, secrecy (no surprise, since we’re still talking about shame), and how those experiences impact her now.
It’s uncommon to see inside another relationship, so listen in for a tiny glimpse into Joli and Ken’s as it is right now. Relationships change, and the people in them grow, and Joli talks about how she handles the shame and other feelings that come out of that time, in hopes that others might find some support and insight.
If you’d like to find out more about Joli’s work head to https://www.jolihamilton.com/
In the first of a mini-series about shame, we aren’t holding back! The feeling of shame has kept parts of Ken hidden from Joli for years even though we’ve been consciously working on it. This isn’t surprising because shame encourages secret-keeping.
Confidence has been masking shame in our home even with a careful eye towards it.
Shame has been showing up in unexpected spots and when it does we often feel disconnected right when we most want to feel seen and loved.
No holds barred in this episode, sexual shame has been hiding too long, so listen in if you’re someone who has ever struggled with shame or the secrets it might encourage. Ken brought his vulnerability right to the forefront this week, hoping to share a story that will help others.
Book mentioned in this episode: Dark Eros by Thomas Moore http://bit.ly/3ppVcns
If you need some shame-work musical inspiration listen to Shame by The Avett Brothers
If you’d like to find out more about Joli’s work head to https://www.jolihamilton.com/
Sexual fantasies are exciting, but not everyone feels comfortable sharing them with their partner. This week we are talking about how we figured out what each of us needs in order to feel safe to share our fantasies. There is no right or wrong, but fantasy can wake up the beast of jealousy and its best friend shame. What do we do when that happens? How do we get past the junk and revel in sharing our sexiest fantasies?
We have spent years developing our ability to do exactly this and it is now one of the best parts of our life together. It all started with a few brave words and a lot of patience.
We also got into the nuances between privacy and secrecy jumping off from the work of Vienna Pharaon (Check them out on Insta @mindfulmft).
If you’ve struggled with trying to speak your sexy with your partner, this episode can’t be missed!
Learn more about Project Relationship at www.JoliHamilton.com
Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. In this episode, we are talking about what it takes to go from assuming you know the rules to creating relationship agreements that are explicit and able to grow with you as your relationship changes.
Consensual non-monogamy isn't the right fit for everyone, monogamy is beautiful and a great choice for lots of people. But, polyamory has been making a lot of headlines and popping up in storylines more and more. If you are curious about what it looks like from the inside, have a listen. We've found that no matter what relationship style you choose, we can all learn from each other.
To buy Project Relationship the book, head here: https://bit.ly/JoliBook
To learn more about working with Joli or to listen to her TedX talk: www.JoliHamilton.com
Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. We are talking about what intimacy means when you no longer have the rules of monogamy to guide you.
How vulnerable is too vulnerable with someone outside your marriage? What does it feel like to know that my partner is happy without me sometimes? It's all complicated, but not as impossible as it might seem.
Consensual non-monogamy isn't the right fit for everyone, monogamy is beautiful and a great choice for lots of people. But, polyamory has been making a lot of headlines and popping up in storylines more and more. If you are curious about what it looks like from the inside, have a listen. We've found that no matter what relationship style you choose, we can all learn from each other.
Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
To buy Project Relationship the book, head here: https://bit.ly/JoliBook
To learn more about working with Joli or to listen to her TedX talk: www.JoliHamilton.com
To kick off season 2 we are responding to a request from a listener who asked "Why are you polyamorous?" Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. We are talking about what polyamory is, why it works for us, and how it feels to put your heart in someone's hand without the rules of monogamy.
Consensual non-monogamy isn't the right fit for everyone, monogamy is beautiful and a great choice for lots of people. But, polyamory has been making a lot of headlines and popping up in storylines more and more. If you are curious about what it looks like from the inside, have a listen. We've found that no matter what relationship style you choose, we can all learn from each other.
Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
To buy Project Relationship the book, head here: https://bit.ly/JoliBook
To learn more about working with Joli or to listen to her TedX talk: www.JoliHamilton.com
In the wrap-up for season 1, Joli and Ken are sharing what it feels like to share their relationship ups and downs with the world. The biggest lessons are often scary to talk about, even years later. Admitting where we hurt each other or when we've been out of integrity with our values is vulnerable but getting real is key to continually deepening connection with each other and with the larger world. Season 2 is coming soon- if you have a topic or question, we invite you to share them, grab the email address in the show.
Episode 12 is about failure and what happens when we judge our relationship success only by how long it lasts. Endings and transitions can be extremely challenging, especially when we imagine that an ending feels like it defines us. In this episode, Joli and Ken talk about three things they do to get through the tough endings and big transitions with a little more grace and a ton more insight.
In episode 11 we are talking about money and how hard it can be to say what needs to be said when we share finances and responsibility for a household. Going from terrified and even dishonest money habits to open, honest, connected conversations about money isn't easy because so many of us have money complexes- hangups that leave us acting in wildly unhelpful ways. Making money talk-aboutable is key to making relationship teamwork a reality instead of a pipedream.
Working together, whether you are running a business together or just working from the same home office puts a bright spotlight on relationship weaknesses. In this episode, Joli and Ken are talking about how they manage communication styles so different they initially seemed completely incompatible. Finding creative ways to navigate these differences has taken patience, troubleshooting tolerance, and one stuffed sloth.
Even the word fighting can make people uncomfortable. But relationships are messy and people are complicated. In this episode, Ken and Joli talk about how they find ways to love each other better, build a stronger connection, and learn about each other while talking through the bumps and bruises that come with close connection.
Sex is a spot that easily leads to misunderstandings, even for a couple who are on the same page in so many ways! In this episode, Ken and Joli talk about how one seemingly-simple question led to a total reimagining of what sex could be in their relationship. With a little courage and a sense of humor, talking about sex can bring you closer together even during stressful times. It's not about how much sex you are having (or not!) but how to get on the same page about what you could create together.
Having two different communication styles is a recipe for misunderstandings and hurt feelings. We had to learn the super-hard way how to ask for what we need and how to set the stage for a successful conversation no matter how sticky the topic is. Ken and Joli are sharing some of their complicated first holiday story in this episode. Ken talks about how it felt to try to communicate with two partners who had very different wants and needs. Yeah, that's right, we had a complex relationship right from the start-multiple partners and all. All those complications made it even more crucial to find practical ways to totally overhaul our communication habits--thankfully it has really worked!
When holiday stress feels overwhelming I've had the impulse to turn away from my partner and just hunker down in my overloaded psyche. Learning how to courageously lean into the feeling of want is a move that turns holiday stress into an opportunity to connect in our most tender spots. Identifying our wants is at the root of knowing our standpoint, our deeper self, which is a pre-requisite for sharing ourselves with our partner.
The holiday season is awesome... and practically tragic in its ability to leave us feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and disconnected. In this episode, we talk about how we managed to bring joy back to the forefront of our holiday celebrations by focusing on little moments of connection and getting really explicit on what we need from each other. A dynamic life means that peace & joy sometimes feel out of reach, but by learning how to see our strengths and weaknesses without shame we have the chance to reimagine the holidays and really our whole relationship. Resilience means learning how to be with what is and what we cannot possibly plan for, listen as we explore our resilience habits and failures as we work to make this holiday fun, pandemic and all.
What is it about love that keeps us assuming that we already know each other, even though we are changing and living in a changing world? Joli and Ken work on how can we keep our relationship pleasurable over the years despite grief, growth, and a changing world. Taking a step away from our assumptions about each other (even though we've known each other our whole lives!) means there are joyful surprises to uncover every day. This episode asks us to look again at those we know the best and dive into them with intentional curiosity.
Boundaries are an invitation to intimacy but the holidays can make it feel like your boundaries have no place in life. The gravity of tradition can get in the way of checking in with ourselves about what we truly need and want. In this episode, we share stories about how it felt to combine family traditions and how rocky it was trying to learn to communicate our needs to each other when we weren't even sure what those needs were! Learning how to set boundaries started for us with a freezing cold, muddy, miserable Christmas eve walk. Luckily, every day gives us new opportunities to learn about our yes's and no's and most of them don't have to involve a muddy, frozen toddler crying on your hip. Committing to reimagine the holidays is the best gift we can get this wild 2020 holiday season!
Owning our stuff around the holidays is hard. Joli and Ken are sharing stories about navigating big feelings, a busy family, and old family patterns that pop up at the least helpful times. Learning what works and what sets us off hasn't been simple but it has given us the chance to make stressful times a little smoother and a lot more pleasurable.
For more Project Relationship head to www.JoliHamilton.com
In episode 1 we are sharing stories about how we've worked on wanting a more-than-okay relationship. Joli and Ken talk about how they combined holiday traditions and how hard it has been to make space for each other's wants. This episode turned into a live-troubleshooting session where we took stock of-and then action on- some things that haven't been working.
Find more about Project Relationship at www.JoliHamilton.com
Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/