Respect may at first appear to be a mundane topic, it’s not shiny or fashionable, it is however a cornerstone to building self-worth, healthy relationships, teams and societies. There is so much juiciness to unpack around respect when you dive into details. At the end of this article you’ll find reflections and activities to enhance Emotionally Intelligent respect within yourself and transform the relationships surrounding you.
Respect I’ve come to think of as a weave that is essential to the fabric of society. Each thread representative of a person and their acts of respect or disrespect. Those lucky enough to be raised in families or classrooms who endorse and encourage respectful behaviour reap the benefits of being respectful. The more you are authentically respectful the more your self worth grows. You are blessed by the respect you pass on. Your thread in the respect fabric grows in beauty and strength. Adding value to you and adding value to others.
The converse is when ‘respectful behaviours’ become wooden or restrictive, stifling individual freedom by choosing tradition over change, your thread in the respect weave becomes weak. The inauthentic behaviour eats away at self-respect and causes disconnection from your heart. This choice between respect and disrespect is illusionary. There are many choices we can make in any situation, however, examples are rare of how to handle honest disappointment or conflict in a respectful way. Making a new choice requires courage and creativity. These new choices are essential if we are to be authentically respectful. To behave under the pretext of respect at the cost of personal integrity is harmful to the individual and society as a collective.
The most expensive cost to everyone is when people are raised with no version of loving respect to learn from. In this example what is called ‘respectful behaviour’ is taught through fear, compliance and a threat of harsh discipline. The driving force, from those seeking respect, is a desire for control. This distortedly gets labelled respect. The lesson passed on is that respect means control over others, and that if you respect me then you will do what I say.
The consequence is people fighting with institutions, communities and families as they seek endorsement of their personal value. They desire control in order to feel esteemed and fail to understand that they are harming themselves and others in the process. Their sense of self-worth becomes damaged by their behaviour. Their thread in the respect weave becomes brittle and frayed. The respect that they desire is eroded in the very act of trying to enforce it.
If we are going to strengthen the weave of respect we need to engage in conversations around respect. We need to unpack and articulate the subtle complexities of a collective respect so that everyone has a say. The result of such conversations is buy-in from those involved in the process. From this place it becomes a lot easier to be constructively accountable to each other to maintain a culture of respect. It’s simple – not easy. It takes time and commitment and a willingness to do what it takes.
If you have any questions or topic requests, hit reply. I’d love to speak directly to your areas of challenge.
Activities to enhance Emotionally Intelligent Respect Exercise 1: Self-Respect Introspection Self-respect and a sense of worth are at the core of being respectful and being respected.
In South Africa, due in part to the psychological hangover of apartheid, ongoing gender inequality, and the effects of our childhoods (parents often demonstrate dictatorship leadership versus kind strong leadership), there are many of us who are fighting an invisible battle for respect. This creates a desire for deep admiration from someone: a child, a parent, a spouse or a boss. Introspection in this area may help you see where you’re seeking respect.
We seem to think that we need something outside us to change before we get the respect we deserve. The empowering and daunting truth is that the respect we so deeply desire first and foremost needs to be in our own eyes. As soon as you see it you’re empowered to change it. Acknowledgement of ourselves dissolves the fight and allows space to honour ourselves and others.
Reflection Questions
Exercise 2: Making conscious the collective agreement on what Emotionally Intelligent Respect is Respect is shown in relation to another person and involves balancing needs and consequences. Respectful behaviours aren’t universal as they differ between families, communities, cultures and societies. Behaviour that infringes on another is not respectful. Take a moment to consider how your actions impact others or ask those around you.
We’ve included an exercise that can help bring into conscious awareness the subtlety of respect where the culture includes more than one person. Although the outcome of this exercise is powerful a great deal of value is the process of unpacking together. Practice curious listening and cultivate a willingness to discover new perspectives.
This exercise can be used in your family, business, team or any partnership. It sounds obvious but I have noticed that something magical happens every time we articulate the obvious make-up of respect.
Exercise 3: Respectful Disagreements Honouring yourself and others is at the heart of respect. Respect is aided by opening your eyes to new ways of seeing. Respect is a recognition of our common humanity. It is a willingness to seek understanding instead of agreement. Here a few tips to approach tough conversations that may spiral toward disrespect.
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