Navigating holiday gatherings with relatives can be like a Battle-Royale or Thunderdome. Here are some helpful survival tips!
Martyrdom. No one is a mind reader. Ask for what you need! Kindness - round up instead of down. Respond to questions you don’t want to answer with “When the time’s right” Irrational/Impossible People: Recognize the pattern. Many difficult people have typical operating behaviors such as bullying, acting ice-cold, raising their voice, storming off in a huff, bursting into tears. When you can identify someone’s habitual style of emotional manipulation you are less likely to be blindsided. Instead you can be prepared with a calm response. Practice your Zen - make a commitment to demonstrate poise in situations with difficult people. It takes two people to tug-of-war so let go of your side of the rope. Access Support. Whether imagining a mentor who inspires grace and calm under pressure, or making sure you have a friend or spouse standing by when the tornado arrives - make sure you feel supported. Or vent later to a trusted person. Assume innocence (or stupidity). Choose to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are not INTENTIONALLY trying to make your life miserable - they are simply struggling with their own problems. Keep a sense of humor. Pretend you are collecting material for a comedy show. These crazy moments make the best stories for later! BRENE BROWN - BRAVING (Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Non-judgement, Generosity) Dumping: Many of us are sensitive to the moods of others or seem to attract people who want to dump their health challenges or financial and relationship woes on us. Protect yourself by: Shields up. When you see “trouble” coming - imagine a bubble of energy protecting you from their energy (like Violet in The Incredibles) Think “I forgive you for dumping on me” - Offering silent forgiveness when you’re wronged instantly lightens your mood. The benefits are greatest when it’s done quickly. Redirect the negative conversation rather than get drawn in. Validate first then redirect. “Yes, I can imagine that must be annoying. By the way...I’ve been meaning to ask you about…(something else). Or “That sounds rough. But today is about celebrations or gratitude. What is something you’re grateful for?” 1-minute rule. Ask "do you need to vent for a minute?" Validate and move on. Return responsibility to them. Book recommendation: "I don't have to make everything all better" by Gary and Joy Lundgren Shake it off! TAKEAWAY TOOL: Dr Mark Goulston MD, author and FBI hostage negotiation trainer suggests deepening conversations with the FUD tool. FUD stands for frustrated, upset and disappointed. These words invite the person to calm down by taking about concerns underneath seemingly irrational behavior. It’s important to use these words in order! Frustrated: This word seems less accusatory than telling someone they are angry and need to calm down). Say: you sound frustrated - what’s that about? Listen and validate. Upset: “I can understand your frustration. What are you upset about?” This helps them to further get things off their chests. Disappointed: This word disappointed has an almost magically calming effect. Even irrational people focus on the WHAT when asked about being disappointed. Say, “You sound disappointed. What are you disappointed with?” BE INTENTIONAL - Find your fun and keep smiling!
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