Do you ever wonder if the work you're doing on the healing journey is actually changing and healing you? In today's episode we're going to talk about how you can know that you are moving in a positive direction!!
Let this be encouragement to you. As you go on your healing journey, this is what will come to you. I didn’t get here through a week’s worth of work. I don’t say this to scare you off. I’ve been at this for sixteen years. It’s been layered. I wasn’t always doing super deep work. There have been seasons where I was meeting weekly with someone for sessions. There have been times I’ve done my own work and I’ve sought out resources to grow and cultivate change. One part that stands out to me that is imperative to finding yourself in a different place than you once were, is the practice. You must put in your own intentional practice. The things you hear me talk about are things that have to be practiced to become something you’re comfortable doing.
As you saw with the episode title, we are talking about ways you can know you are walking out of people pleasing and codependency. The codependent people pleaser makes themselves small so that they can fit in and don’t make waves or upset anyone. They’re looking for how to keep the peace in the room. How can I keep people from getting upset or offended? Tension is good. It’s necessary.
Working through that is also important. Sometimes people explode and nothing comes of it. There’s no other conversation or resolution. There’s no “why did I explode? Why do I feel so dysregulated?” We have to have the ongoing dialogue between ourselves and others to be changing, healing, and becoming the person we long to be. The one who is free to show up and be themselves.
I don’t mean to be callous, uncaring, harsh, critical, or rude by showing up and being ourselves. I think it’s important to be kind. There’s some sort of balance in all of this. When you’ve gone off the deep end and you’ve become the chameleon who blends in wherever they must and hides their true self, this is for you.
How do I know I’ve walked out of codependency and people pleasing? One way is I’m more comfortable expressing my true thoughts and opinions even when I know the person across from me just said they believe the opposite of what I’m going to say. I’m willing to actually say what I think instead of talking my way out of it and saying, “well if I say that they might feel offended or hurt or misunderstood or they may misunderstand me.” It’s worth it to this relationship for me to show up being me. They can accept me, they can like me, they can say I don’t like her, they can reject me, or they can agree to disagree. We can at least know who we’re dealing with. We can choose into that relationship deliberately. We can say “I really like that person and I want to be friends with them and get to know them more or I’m glad they showed me who they are, but this is not the type of person I want to hang out with.” Both are ok, but we don’t know that when we don’t show up authentically.
We may really like who someone is, but we don’t know who they truly are because they’re afraid to show up as themselves. There are so many reasons as to why we don’t show up as who we are. There are so many past experiences that translate into us believing it’s not worth it and it’s better off to not show up and show my true self. It’s time to explore the idea of why we believe that. You should get to show up and be yourself. You should get to show up and show your heart. It’s going to feel messy and vulnerable. That’s ok.
Messy isn’t scary for all of us. Some of us are comfortable with messy. I’d rather you show up and be yourself than the fraud and hypocrite. You deserve to be found and loved for who you authentically are. Every child should be able to feel loved for who they are. We should be able to show up in our messiness—even as little kids.
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