The healing journey infiltrates all areas of life and that includes what happens in the bedroom (or wherever you have sex!) In today’s episode I’m going to talk from my own story and end by sharing practical ways you can begin to restore feelings of safety within yourself during sex.
Because I personally experienced sexual trauma, sex was very triggering for me. If you struggle to connect emotionally or physically during sex, here's a suggestion. When a thought comes into your mind that will disrupt connection you can counter it with a positive thought. For example, when I feel unsafe and powerless in my body, I can remind myself that I am safe and loved in this present moment [because I am in fact in a secure, loving relationship with my husband and I do feel safe and loved with him.] It doesn’t erase what has happened in the past, and my body remembers what has happened in the past.. So does yours.
Have you experienced a time when your mind says I want sex but your body feels differently? I am often so excited in anticipation of sex, and then once we get into the act of it my body starts to shut down. I could go through the motions and not be emotionally connected or very engaged with my partner. But I wanted to engage! It just seemed like something kept getting in the way. It wasn’t til recently that I’ve discovered it’s my inner child remembering. My body experienced sexual trauma and it hasn’t forgotten. That powerless feeling was what I experienced as a young girl. Let’s just get it over with was what I remember thinking when I was a kid…. I had a feeling of dread and my body felt heavy. I felt so alone. I fought to get away from the perpetrator. But I was much weaker as a child than the grown ups were. The powerless feeling was legitimate when I was a kid. Even though other adults were around, they weren't protecting me. I recognize for some of them they felt powerless too. It’s not an excuse, they should have done more! They should have stepped in and put a stop to what was going on! But I do see why they didn’t do as much as they should have. Sometime it helps to understand and acknowledge why someone acts the way they do..
Because of my experiences, and the trauma I endured, I used to be hyper vigilant to try and protect my children from experiencing any trauma. I’ve recognized just as healing is available for me, it is also available for my children. Healing has helped me to have hope that pain doesn't always have to hurt. I've also realized that my nervous system isn’t meant to handle the stress of being overly protective of all those I love. I’m not supposed to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders!! It’s not our job to protect our children from everything that will hurt them. As hard as it may be to accept, we can’t protect our children and those we love from everything painful.
Now when I go through the motions and become disengaged from my husband during sex I recognize it is a by-product of my past experiences. Sometimes I have an easy time engaging and others times I don’t. I am gentle on myself, much more so than I was in the past. I remind myself the pressure is off. If I can’t have an orgasm that is okay. It's not my husband's fault! I allow myself to feel whatever emotions that surface, disappointment etc. and I allow myself to simply be. I recognize that I will be able to engage more fully in the future as I heal more. Healing happens over time, layer by layer.
Here are some practical ways to help you restore safety within your body during sex. This will be much easier with a safe, understanding partner who is willing to be with you in the middle of your experience without needing to rescue you from it. Sex is an emotional experience, not just a physical act. For more go to changeradically.com/podcast
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