Keys to effective communication
Feeling heard
Validated
Safe
Loved (cared for)
Both parties should have a chance to express themselves
You don't have to agree to validate.
When you don't try to correct + fix that takes loving effort and goes a long way!
When defensive we feel as if we need to protect ourselves from a threat. When we feel misunderstood, judged, unheard, unloved it easily make us feel unsafe and on the defensive. As much as possible, during the conversation as you recognize that you're feeling the need to protect yourself, pause and remind yourself you are safe. Do your best to not interrupt as the other person is speaking.
Other people are allowed to misunderstand us. It's a normal part of living. You don't have to internalize their judgements, or their conclusion about you. You can learn to hear criticism and not internalize it.
Acknowledging that you care about the other persons thoughts and that you want them to have a chance to speak goes a long way. Once they begin speaking work intentionally to not interrupt them. If you feel the need to defend yourself simply notice that, but allow them to keep talking. Don’t get focused on your response when they’re speaking. Actively engage by listening and hearing their heart. The heart speaks through more than words. You can practice these skills and learn how to communicate more effectively as you get more comfortable with it.
When emotionally activated it can be hard to feel grounded, but with healing it is possible to be less triggered. Get curious, become aware of what's triggering you.
If you’re looking for resolution, note that it won’t always happen. Your communication can still be productive and effective if you/the other party feel heard, validated and loved within the conversation. If you’re learning new ways to communicate and unlearning formed patterns, this will take time. Be patient and kind towards yourself along the way. Having compassion on yourself during this process is highly important! You are not responsible for how the other person goes about communicating. Your responsibility is simply for YOURSELF. Other people do soften when they don’t feel accused, blamed or bullied in conversation. Your communication style will elicit change!
Actively engage. Give the other party the benefit of your doubt. Be in their corner as you listen. Allow compassion to sit next to your strength. Boundaries and respect are super important, but a lack of care isn’t necessary to keep boundaries and be respected. You can offer care and compassion while you hold true to your boundaries.
Someone else isn't responsible for your feelings.
Remember, heart-to-heart conversations build connection and depth. Heart to heart is different than head to head :) Agreement doesn't equal resolution. You can disagree and still have resolution. You can disagree and still have a deep friendship with that person!
What stands out to you as the 1-2 new practices you want to implement?
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