The more I heal, the less codependent I live. Healing comes by learning and practicing. We must practice to learn. For anything to become second nature we must do it many times. Intentional living is required for change!
Codependency looks and sounds like some of the following:
I’m not okay unless you’re okay
People pleasing
(Unconsciously) trying to be the hero
Going overboard to help without allowing the same in return
Interdependency on the other hand is a give and take. Depending on others and being supported is a beautiful part of living, and I’m not trying to suggest we shouldn’t need each other. It’s all about the core reason(s) behind the action that reveals what’s really going on. You might do the same thing as I, for a totally separate reason!
Conditioned patterns don’t feel out of place, because they’re ordinary to you! Toxic patterns or mindsets won’t feel toxic until you become conscious of the reason why you’re living that way. As you observe yourself and become more aware of your Self, you can get curious and explore the origin of your belief (mindsets) and patterns.
As a child, I observed people in my environment that felt panic, overwhelm, depression, etc and I didn’t want to feel their energy, so if I could help them feel better, I would too!! I became the stereo typical helper. Problem with that is, I wasn’t letting other people help me, even though I was going overboard to help them. If you didn’t learn to receive as a child, you will need to learn how to receive at some later point in life. You will be stunted in any stage of development that you didn’t have a chance to naturally develop in. I’m not suggesting anyone should feel shame about that, just bringing up the reality of it.
Drastic actions are necessary sometimes in order to break away from toxic patterns. Recognizing the root reason, or the belief behind the action, helps immensely! What changes internally shows up externally.
In becoming less codependent, I’m learning how to separate myself more fully from Evan’s emotions. I still care about how he’s feeling, but I don’t need him to convince me that he is doing alright in order for me to feel emotionally stable. It’s much easier to live without determining my wellness off of him!
Here's a thought to consider. Tragedy is occurring around us constantly. If other people’s tragedy typically disrupts and negatively affects your day it is a reason to explore why. Of course it is important and good to be a helpful resource, full of love and empathetic. But also recognize what’s going on at a deeper level. If you are feeling that deeply connected with another’s pain you may be living in an overly responsible, enmeshed state. Ask yourself, why are you responding that way to the tragedy? Give attention to your core beliefs. Determine if those mindsets and way(s) of living are actually the response you want to have. Reach out for help if you’re unsure of why and need support.
Healing isn’t linear. There are ups and downs, highs and lows. When I’m in the middle of the caverns that feel so dark and isolating, I remind myself that it won’t always be so hard to manage. The natural progression that is part of the experience of living is not always easy, but it’s also beautiful. When healing takes place in one area, space is then created for another area to be given attention. It’s a gentle, beautiful process.
To learn more about my program, Radically Change Your Life, go here.
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