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In this episode I will speak about the first part of step number nine:

I made direct amends to such persons wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Now that I’ve made my list, I’m ready to start actually going through the list and seeking out those people to whom I have to make amends. Some of them, maybe even most of them will be relatively easy to find time to approach. They will usually be those who we are closest to in our lives. They will be our partners, our sons or daughters, our in-laws and other relatives. They will also be our friends, our coworkers, and our employers. They will also be those who we deal with on a regular basis, including folks at the grocery store, hairdresser, barber, restaurants, and other service workers. All of the above mentioned folks, although usually easy to locate are not necessarily the easiest with whom to make amends. Our partner may have left and possibly taken our children with them. Maybe there’s a restraining order because they were so afraid of us or just simply tired of the same old, same old!

So what is our usual modus operandi for dealing with all of these folks. Well, my rule of thumb is to not create a situation where they will feel uncomfortable, just because we have a need to try to clear the air. We must make ourselves available to them, on their terms. If need be, we should tell them ahead of time via phone, mail, or social media, why it is that we need to speak with them and exactly what we are trying to do. We might even mention step number nine and that it is part of a program that I’m trying to use in order to be a well, dependable, and relatively normal human being.

I say relatively normal because our condition, assuming we are doing this as the spiritual program it is meant to be, we are changed. We may be free from whatever issue progress to the 12-step program. If we are allowing the 12-step program to work the way it has been intended, we are changed once again. You now are saying “yes” in the 3rd step, our surrender has worked in two ways. We have given up those things for the past that were insane behavior but now the new us may be difficult for others to understand or even believe.

I believe the best thing is a direct, gentle, and sincere approach, in which we state our recognition of our problem(S), and if appropriate, what we would like to do to try to help rectify our past behaviors and actions.

Other than these easily accessible folks, there will be, (sometimes many), folks that are either difficult or impossible to contact. In these cases I must make sure that my tendency for rationalization is not overworking here. I could very easily tell myself that this person is inaccessible because that’s the answer that would be easy for me. Sometimes I must simply bite the bullet, remember that God is providing me with all the power that I need, and make the attempt to reach these people. If a trip to see them might be out of the question, well, there is always a phone call or social media that I can use to reach them. Remember, which is always be at their convenience. You might say something like, “Hi (name), this is Chuck I would like a little of your time to explain, and apologize for my (whatever) behavior.”

If it turns out to be absolutely impossible to reach a particular person and you know it is a person that you need to make amends to, I would suggest writing a letter. After writing the letter, I would put it in a drawer somewhere with the intention of giving it to them if the occasion ever presents itself.

The whole idea here is to finish clearing up the wreckage of the past wherever possible, especially after doing our 5th stop. It is a continuation of our cleanup in order for us to continue learning our new way of life.