|| “One thing I’ve learned since writing #EloquentRage—if you write with any integrity about the things you say you believe, the universe will test you to see if you really bout that life. Stay ready. It ain’t for the faint of heart.” —Brittney Cooper ||

I believe in the idea of a test. Once, a couple of years ago, I told myself that I wasn’t going to date for the entirety of the upcoming year after a bad relationship. It was the end of December and I wrote about it on my semi-private Tumblr. And on January 1st, someone who I had matched with on Tinder at least a month before messaged me for the first time. And after thinking about it for a few brief moments, I messaged him back. We ended up seeing each other for six months, until I finally ended it. (“I like you even though you’re mean to me,” is something that I once said to him, verbatim.) But even in the moment of sending that first message, I felt like it was a test that I failed. My heart wasn’t set on the arrangements of my mind. Deciding not to date was a choice that I made out of hurt and out of fear of being hurt again, not out of true desire for change or reckoning or just something different.

I’ve been thinking a bit about how declaring something is the easy part. The real test comes in the day-to-day, in the small choices that collectively amount to who you are. A couple of days ago, I was talking to my brother about working out and how when I was practicing yoga, no matter how many days I had practiced previously, if I let just one day pass without doing it, it was easier to let another day pass, and then another day, and then another day, until it didn’t really feel like it was something I could say I did anymore. Just like yoga, accountability is also a practice. It’s built in the day-to-day, even—and maybe especially—in my relationship with myself. And even if it doesn’t feel like such a big deal in the moment, every time I let myself off the hook, I chip away at what’s been built.

Sometimes we aren’t ready for what we want to be ready for. But I like to imagine now that the choices I’m making, though perhaps also born of hurt, are ultimately rooted in conscientiousness, a belief in some form of goodness, and a concept of justice.

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Welcome (back) to Witness. It’s a once-monthly(ish) letter to you based around a quote that stands out to me. Each letter consists of a written component and an audio component. (If you missed the audio on the last two, feel free to go back! The writing and audio are meant to complement each other. This time, I called Jessica Dore and we talked about accountability, being tested, community, and more. Check out her Twitter and Instagram.) I hope reading and listening adds something to your day. As always, thank you for being here.

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Here are some articles I liked this month:

“Down and Out in the Gig Economy” by Jacob Silverman

“Men Have No Friends and Women Bear the Burden” by Melanie Hamlett

“Rejection kills” by Elitsa Dermendzhiyska

And here’s a book:

Three Women by Lisa Taddeo

Incredible simply because it gives voice to so many real issues, Three Women considers desire through the lens of the lives of three women of different ages and from different places. I found it so (terribly) relatable and pushed it onto a friend as soon as I was done reading. (It’s out in July.)

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