|| “I don't want the moon, Alfred, all I want is the possibility of an alternative, so that I know I'm doing this because I want to instead of because there's nothing else.” —Constance, “‘M’ is for Moon Among Other Things” ||

I first read this quote when I was a senior in high school. We were reading Arcadia by Tom Stoppard in my AP English Lit class and even then it stood out to me. So much, that I added it to the ‘about me’ section of my now-defunct Facebook page.

I think I often fear being trapped—in a job, in a relationship, in a city. I have started to accept that I am more commitment-averse than I usually let on, that fleeing feels encoded in my DNA, much like my melanin or perhaps my copper deficiency (though that’s still, as yet, unknown). I’m trying to learn to temper my expectations, to see certain things as they are rather than as I hope they could be, especially when it comes to the daily act of being human. (Though of course, there is a time and a place for high expectations.) But I’m also learning not to put all my eggs in one basket. I need choices. A choice allows me to put things in perspective—it can show me how good or bad or lukewarm I feel about something that I previously didn’t have a barometer for.

For most of my life, I have been on a path that has felt dedicated to doing what looks good to other people. Let’s call it ‘things my parents can brag about.’ But now I’m trying to figure out what exactly looks good, and feels good, to me. It’s certainly been a process and I’ve relapsed in both thought and action, but I am here, attempting to carve out my own path and create my own alternative.

This past year has taught me a lot about chasing alternatives, big and small. It is not all fun and games, and it is often not easy. But hopefully, it turns out to be worth it. Life is hard but I’m learning.

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Hello there. Welcome to Witness. I’m hoping that this will be a once-monthly letter to you based around a quote that stands out to me. As of now, each letter will consist of a written component and an audio component. (Of course, that’s subject to change with my whims.) I hope reading and listening adds something to your day. Thank you for being here.

If you care to, let me know what you think! If you’ve ever corresponded with me, you probably know I can be bad at responding, but I promise that I read it.

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In case you’re interested, for Shondaland, I interviewed Jessica Dore, a tarot reader and clinical social work grad student, about using tarot as a therapeutic tool. You can find the piece here.

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Things I’ve Liked Recently:

The Odd Woman and the City by Vivian Gornick

In her late 70s when the book was published, Gornick meditates on friendship, love, living without a partner, and New York. Aside from some misgivings I had regarding depictions of race, it is quite lovely.

Heart Berries by Terese Marie Mailhot

I loved this book. In it, Mailhot discusses growing up on the Seabird Island First Nation reservation, her relationships with her mother and father, her relationships with men, getting married as a teenager, having her children, having herself committed to a psychiatric ward and getting diagnosed with PTSD and bipolar II, and so much more. It’s real and uncomfortable, beautiful and relatable all at the same time. (Full disclosure: I did actually listen to this on audiobook, but if I could do it over again, I might read it.)

Amy (documentary)

This film illustrates what a major talent Amy Winehouse was (and so young!), but also how terrible so many of us were to her when she was alive and how the machine of fame just chews people up and spits them out. I remember the jokes and headlines when I was in high school and it’s pretty terrible to reflect on now.

Roma (film)

I haven’t had a Netflix subscription for the last couple of months, so I ended up seeing this one in theaters. If you haven’t seen it already, Roma is a really beautiful (and devastating) film. If it were up to me, it would have won Best Picture at the Oscars.

Spotify Cosmic Playlists by Chani Nicholas

Remember when people would make mix CDs for each other? Chani’s basically making one just for you (and everyone else who shares your sun sign—but you’ll probably hear a song you like or that feels very relevant to your life. I have!) And she makes a new one every month.

Hearts Beat Loud (film)

This is just a very sweet film about love and how a daughter and father living together in Red Hook (sort of) accidentally start a band the summer before she goes to college. My friend recommended it to me in December and I still think about it.

Pocket (app)

I don’t know why I was so resistant to this, but it really is a game-changer. I pocket articles, recipes, things I’m interested in buying, and restaurants I want to visit, and I can access everything on both my phone and my laptop or any other device I may be using.

A question: We are already four months into the year, but it’s still pretty new. What do you want to do with the rest of it?

Until next time.

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