On Driving

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Fair warning there may be a lot of swearing in this episode. If you want my overall take on swearing please check the intro. Ok so fair warning

You probably think you know everything there is to know about driving a car at this point right. What’s the big deal? You get in the seat, fire up the car and step on the gas. WRONG! nothing could be farther from the truth. Driving is a deceptively complex and dangerous endeavor. Until you get into an accident you operate under the false assumption that what you are doing is inherently safe. It is not. But there are things you can do to protect yourself and others.

My mother who had a perfect driving record to the day she died taught me a couple things that I will share along with a few of my own additions.

The first thing mom said to me was her overall philosophy. Driving is about getting from point A to point B and you have an obligation to yourself, your passengers and everyone else on the road to do so safely. Safety is a critical part of driving and it is not optional.

Everything else was little strategies and tactics to support this overall philosophy.

Following distance:

you are at a safe following distance when you can see light under the car in front of you meaning your angle of vision should make it possible to see the roadway in front of them between their tires underneath their car. If you cant see this you are tailgating and you are too close. Remember the person in front of you is not responsible for the fact that you left late or you are in a rush. Riding their ass won’t make them go faster it will only piss them off. You are responsible for planning your travel and executing it safely. Believe me there is nothing worse than leaving late and arriving on time only to find out that you are fucking dead!

Passing on a two lane highway:

occasionally you’ll get behind someone who is driving too slow for your taste. Even though the little yellow lines say you can pass in the oncoming lane don’t do it. It’s just not worth it. Do you want to risk a head on collision just to arrive five minutes earlier? You’ve got some little old lady in front of you driving the actual speed limit? Suck it up motherfucker. She won’t be there forever, she’ll turn off. Cherish those extra five minutes in the car with the knowledge that at least you will arrive in one piece.

Passing on a 3-4 lane highway:

I only pass to get around someone who is driving erratically, a truck throwing debris on my car or some other large vehicle that clearly doesn’t care about those around them. Otherwise find a lane you like and stick with it. For me this is the center lane between two vehicle clusters. You will notice that vehicles drive in clusters on the highway. In between the clusters there is a gap. This is where you want to be.

I don’t travel in the fast lane because there are always vehicles coming up behind me that want to go faster this isn’t the freakin autobahn but there is always some asshole who thinks it is so unless you need it for passing stay out of the left lane.

I don’t travel in the right lane because there is always some person coming on or off the highway which is also a pain in the ass.

Trust me the middle lane or lanes is where you want to be. If some asshole rides your tail they can just go around you so ignore them, let them pass. If you notice that all the other cars are going faster then you don’t worry, go at your own pace it is not a race remember that.

Going through a green light at a 4 way intersection.

You have a green light so everything is hunk dory right? Wrong! Don’t hit the gas and hope for the best. Instead let up a little on the gas. Check both left and right and make sure no idiots are coming into the intersection. This strategy has kept me from t-boning someone and it has kept me from killing someone. One afternoon after work in St. Paul I was going through an intersection slowing down a little bit when I saw a guy on a bicycle flying in from the left. I came to a complete stop and this maniac without a helmet flew right in front of my car. If I hadn’t stopped immediately he would have been killed for sure.

Another time in North Mpls. The same thing happened this car came from the right this time and I stopped again and it flew through the intersection. If I had not stopped it would have been a T-Bone for sure. You just don’t know who’s out there on the road so don’t make the false assumption that they know what they are doing because sometimes they just don’t. Which brings me to my next piece of advice.

Road rage

In MA we do this thing on the road called the one finger salute or flipping the bird. It is so common it is something of a state pastime. I remember when I first moved to mpls I was such a masshole driver I cut someone off on 94 AND flipped them off in the process. The reaction on their face was priceless like they couldn’t believe or process the double whammy. At about the same time my brother moved to Atlanta. Totally different country down there. He did something similar with a very different reaction. The man he flipped off spun out blocking his car on an exit ramp and pulled out a handgun that he leveled at my brother. What do you say now!? He yelled as Caleb contemplated his impending death. Caleb got out of there ok but he never gave anyone the finger on the road again and neither did I. So the lesson is this. Don’t do it, don’t engage on the road. Could be some little old lady in the car next to you or it could me jeffrey fucking dahlmer or john wayne gacey for that matter hell it could be dahlmer and gacey out together for a moon light drive you’ll never know and it’s best not to find out.

Driving in bad weather

Whatever you do in bad weather go slow. Take turns slowly. Drive extra carefully. Remember your car may be all wheel drive but it sure as hell isn’t all wheel stop. And that is the key because in bad weather it is when you hit the breaks that all hell breaks loose. Going too fast in snow or freezing rain you could easily end up in a snow bank, a ditch. An intersection or worse. It’s true you’ll see people especially in trucks driving like idiots in bad weather. They treat it like it is their time to shine. Don’t worry about them and certainly don’t emulate them. Down the road they are the ones you see flipped over or in the ditch. Just stay away from them and go at your own pace. Proceed with caution and you’ll make it to your destination every time. You might arrive a little late but that’s ok. Just think of how late you would be if you had to wait for a tow truck to winch your car back onto the roadway.

Ok so those are some lessons and things to think about next time you get behind the wheel.

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