This year was the first time I've lived with roommates for a while.

While I definitely get joy out of living with those I care about, I also really, really like living alone.

I have many reasons for this. For one I like owning basically nothing. My apartment in Oakland had no furniture other than my mattress, on the floor. And if I had known about Japanese futons I would have had one of those instead.

Another downside to living with others, which I've just recently become aware of, is the need to simplify my personal story in order to be consistent. Let me explain this one more.

When I'm by myself there are times I'm really focused. I'll work for hours, do structured workouts at regularly scheduled times, and be exactly on time to all my calls.

There are times I'm lazy. I'll lie on my floor for hours (remember, no furniture in David house). I'll let my calls run way too long, bleeding into what was supposed to be work time. Or I'll skip a scheduled call altogether because I'm socialed out.

Finally there are times when I act just...crazy. I'll rapidly alternate between standing and sitting on the floor. I'll sing random songs at random times. I'll dance as I think about a hard problem.

These, and many other behaviors make up the entirety of David. The person I am when nobody is watching cannot easily be described using words like "disciplined", "high energy" or "peppy". I, like everyone, am pretty complex and can’t be easily described in a book, let alone a few sentences.

Yet, when I'm around other people, this is what I try to do to them, and them to me. When humans are around other humans we want to tell stories about them— short stories. We want to say "this is my friend Hogarth, he's really into fitness" or "Meet, Janie, she loves coding". Moreover, we want our friends and family to live up to these punchy descriptions. When we see Hogarth the fitness guru being lazy we ask "hey Hogey, what's up?", thinking somethings wrong when, in reality Hogarth is just like anyone else, sometimes lazy, sometimes fit.

When we're just seeing a friend for an hour, their unconscious efforts to get us to comply with their simple stories are no big deal, because shortly afterwards we'll get our alone time to be ourselves, in all our inconsistent glory. However, if we live with other people there is sometimes no escape. Especially if you're locked down together due to a pandemic.

Apart from being uncomfortable, what I've noticed in myself is that in these scenarios I start to become, truly, one dimensional. I don't want to be inconsistent. I want to tell a story of David that explains everything I do. In fact, there's a good amount of research showing that being able to tell this story can make a person pretty happy. The story I tell when I’m on my own, in my own head, is pretty complex, encompassing all the weird things I do. It’s also constantly evolving, constantly in an imperfect state, and that’s fine— when not being judged by others.

However, when I'm around others, I feel the need to have a perfect story. Usually this means simplifying it so I can appear consistent in front of someone who doesn't have time to hear the rambling musings that constitute my true narrative. I'll start telling myself and others that I just LOVE being productive and that's all I want to do, despite also loving dancing, singing and lying on my darn floor.

The really scary thing is that, in the last year of living with others, there were times that this kind of simplified story telling became my reality. My actions followed the uncomplicated story I was telling and my life became less joyful as a result. I started doing one or two things, instead of indulging in all the cool multifaceted interests I usually enjoy.

Fortunately for me, the one or two things I fall back on when forced to simplify my story are basically work and fitness. Between those two activities I can stay healthy and support my life, so this version of me is pretty sustainable, even if it doesn't unlock a ton of happiness.

However, I have other other friends whose simplified forms create more conflict with their authentic desires

I have a single mom friend who struggles to date because the simplified "mom" story her family tells her doesn't include swiping through Tinder.

I have a friend who's incredibly hard working but likes to pair his effort with focused relaxation. Since lockdown started his friends (myself included) have seen a lot more of his relaxing time. Before lockdown, we would have said he was ambitious, now we say he's "lazy". He, unfortunately, started to believe the same thing.

I'm sure there are many ways to avoid this. In the long term I do eventually want to live with someone(s) for an extended period of time. Thus, getting good at creating a space where I and my housemates can be totally authentic and inconsistent at the same time seems like a good plan. However, in the meantime, while working towards that lofty goal, making sure I get extended periods alone also seems important. In fact, the only reason I’m realizing this now is because I lived mostly by myself for two weeks while moving to England and my behavior changed pretty significantly.

What do you think? What is the story you tell yourself and how do you simplify it when telling it to others? How do you maintain a rich personal story?

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