What Is Step 3? The third step of the 12-step journey introduces the process of surrendering control over your addiction to a power greater than yourself. Step Three is written as follows: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.” Transcript thank you guys for tuning in to

victorious in recovery

it's been a really interesting week for

me

i was

doing just fine last sunday

and

tuesday afternoon i started to feel a

little

off

and within like maybe three hours or so

i was

doubled over in pain and

headed to the er

so i spent the better part of the week

in the hospital

had to have

some gallstones taken out and

a stent put in and it was just a long

week

very long week but

i got released now i'm just at home

recovering again

so as you guys know i've been

doing some step work with my sponsor out

of a step working guide

i was gonna share

my answers with you this week like i did

a couple weeks ago

we're in step three

i like step three not because

of the higher power part but

because it's a surrender part

it's that

that moment where

you finally get to

give it up

and you're at step three um you've gone

through one and two of course and one

you're basically just admitting you're

hopeless

and

it's kind of a hopeless place to stay if

you don't move on in the steps and then

you go to step two

and

you're like okay

maybe there's something out there that

can help me

but if there's nothing after that

then you're just stuck knowing that

you're hopeless

and there is something out there that'll

help you but you're not willing to or

maybe you don't think

you're worth it or

that it's real you know or can help

or whatever

that's just another one of those

points where people are like no you know

what bye i can't do this this isn't for

me

etc and

so i like this one because it's

it's always simpler

than we make it out to be in our heads

it's always a very very simple thing and

it's it's basically just saying

is there anything that you have trouble

with

can you

ask somebody to help you with that

and let them help

you know whether that's somebody

you've chosen to be a god or your

sponsor or the group

or a doorknob or whatever it is that you

chose

that's as simple as this is

it's just a willingness to ask for help

and then

accept it when it's given

and as simple as that is

i have trouble with both parts

i have trouble in the asking and i have

trouble in the

accepting it

because it'll take me forever

i'll fail at every single thing

that i can possibly think of that i

think is the right way before i'll ask

somebody for help

and i'm still really bad about that

and then on the other side of it there's

always somebody saying yeah

um i went through that and this is what

i did

or i'll pray about it and i'll

kind of

think i know what i need to do

and i'll be like no

no that won't work

no

no uh

who else can i ask

i don't i don't think that'll work

and i won't even try it so it's been a

battle for me

so anyways

these are the step three questions that

i have

the first one is why is making a

decision

central to working the step

and for me

i put it's because

it's an action step for me

it's

that surrender that i was talking about

it's a way of of me saying

okay

i need help

can you help me

and then the humbling part of saying

okay i'll try that even if i don't think

it's gonna work

and the second question is

can i make this decision just for today

it's a two-part question

and

do i have any fears or reservations

about it

and if so what are they and that first

question there

can i make it for just today is

is an exciting one really

that

that's so much better than to think that

i have to

just write a blank check

of my will over to the world

and just

say yes to everything for the rest of my

life

the fact that we can do it

on a daily basis

means that i can look at my day and

look around and say okay

um this thing and this thing and that

thing

i'm gonna probably need help with those

things who can i call or i better say a

prayer

or i wonder if i could look that up in a

book

that might have the answer

whatever it is

i can do it as the things come up so i

don't have to

worry about what i'm going to be giving

up tomorrow or next week

or

when i have a million dollars you know i

don't have to worry about what's going

to be required of me

later

the today part i always like today

it makes things so much simpler when i

can just stay here

so

says do i have any fears or reservations

about it

and

you know to be honest my fear is that

i'll fall on my face

and look stupid

i think that's always been my fear

in just about everything

you know it's been my fear at work

it's been my fear in

working on cars it's been my fear in

relationships

it's just

that's what i fear in life is looking

stupid funny enough

because of fearing that there's been a

lot of times that i looked stupid

because i didn't ask for help

this self-fulfilling

thing

i've seen it in

a million different ways in my life fear

of rejection

fear of disappointment

fear of infidelity

just fear and it's all it's all

self-image

of course you know i fear the the

feelings part of it

but on the surface it's uh

everybody else probably already knew

this and i didn't

and i hate that feeling

as for reservations about it

no not really

if anything i'm

very pro

only giving up what i have to today

so i think i've already answered what

needed to be answered for that third

little part

so let's go on to

number three

what areas of my life are difficult

for me to turn over

and you know that could be a huge list

but i'd say the biggest ones are

probably

finances and

relationships

or at least the ones that get me in the

most trouble

in the second part of that question is

why is it important to turn them over

anyways

it was a little

interesting uh trying to answer that

part but what i came up with eventually

was

that it it reminds me that i'm not

alone in

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everything that goes into making these

decisions that everything that

goes into the daily life stuff then i

have options that i have help and

and it kind of

keeps me humble

and you know sometimes i don't have to

ask sometimes it's easy stuff and it's

just one of those things that's like i

know better

but sometimes i really don't know

and it's nice to know that

i have the option to ask for help

because for a long time i

i guess i just didn't get it i didn't

realize that there was

help

i didn't realize that i could just pick

up a phone

i didn't realize that there's

state-funded stuff for

medical for dental for all kinds of

things that i needed and i just didn't

know

i didn't know i didn't know that i could

ask i didn't know that i would be

eligible

i didn't know that i didn't have to feel

bad about asking for help

and the next one was

kind of overly simplistic of an answer

from me but i couldn't come up with

anything else

the

question is

will pursuing my goals harm anyone

and i answered no

because

i don't have first of all i don't have

like

huge

goals or what i consider to be selfish

goals

i've only ever wanted to be a good dad

and

you know i've really been trying to do

that as best as i can you know i can

only

try to do that right now really with one

of my children

and so i'm doing that

and i'm just doing

my best

and there's not really anybody that can

get hurt by me trying to be a good dad i

don't think

my only other goal is is to

say yes to service when i can

and i don't think that uh that is likely

all hurt anybody doing that either

number five

is

have there been times in my recovery

when i've found myself subtly taking

back my will in my life

big yes on that one

huge yes

it happens

almost daily in one form or another

for a long time

i didn't see it

and then i saw it and

i would feel bad

like man you know better you know and i

get really down on myself i'm like what

are you thinking and

you're never gonna get this right

you know all that bad self-talk

and

somewhere along the line i've i've

gotten a lot better

not necessarily at not taking it back

but and realizing it sooner

and giving myself a little bit of a

break

and just say oh damn i took that back

i better start praying about that again

or i better start asking for help

or i have a work step in six months

maybe i ought to do some steps you know

and those are the little things that

that have changed

you know i i'm a lot easier on myself

now

by being easier on myself i free up all

that energy that i would have been using

to

be upset

i end up doing more than i would have

otherwise

and there's a

part two and three to that question as

well

the part two is

what alerted me to that

for me i just get really stressed

i start to get frantic um

people you can't ask me anything i i

can't

just can't deal with

my surroundings at the moment

and i kind of have these

just ah stop

leave me alone

and when i get that way it's usually

because i'm trying to do

too much

with too little

that i have taken on too much or

that i'm

not using my resources

to ask for help or

sometimes

it's just a matter of

the idea of having to do something is

overwhelming because

i haven't taken the time to

mentally give it up

and once i can mentally

give up the stress of it to a higher

power

i realize

in doing it that it's not even as big of

a deal as i thought it was going to be

and i'd say that

that kind of

future mind tripping

is

is one of the biggest things that i i do

the part three of that

is

what have i done

to recommit myself to the third step

and that varies

it's not always the same

way that i'm i have to give things up

sometimes it's a

kind of like a spiritual

unease that i have to

work through sometimes it's a mental

unease that i have to work through

sometimes it's just a matter of

overbooking myself

and i have to

kind of pull back on a few things

but

a couple of things that help

no matter what kind of

thing it is

is to

do that little mental review in the

morning of what is going to happen

and

how you can

relinquish that over to a higher power

or

make a

plan who i'll ask to

help if something goes wrong with

whatever it is etc and then

remind myself at the end of the day to

try to make gratitude list of some sort

even if it's a short one

and what that does is it just relieves

the stress of what hasn't happened yet

it lets me

say okay i've done my part

i've committed to

asking for the help that i need if i

need it

and at the end of the day i write down

that

gratitude list and it helps me stay

humble about

how the day went

number six

how do i communicate with my higher

power i could say a million things here

but

in a nutshell

they all come down to some sort of

prayer some sort of

meditation

you know it might not look like the

lord's prayer

it might be

closer to me

being really angry

and saying what i need to say

but you know somewhere in that range

between yelling at god

and the lord's prayer

is usually a good communication form

there's no

specific rules on that for me

a lot of times i'll i'll write it down

in a journal

as a prayer

i'll write down what's going on or what

just anything

and at the end i'll sign it with

please help me with this god

and i try to do meditation of some sort

every day

you know during the day at work it's

i just go out back

try to

be present in the moment and just walk a

little bit

and at the end of the night i do a lot

of

guided meditations

and just kind of help me

not as much as i would like but

it's still a good practice it's better

than anything else i've tried

on to number seven

how might my life be changed if i make

the decision to turn it over to my

higher powers care

and

what i want to answer is i don't know

you know uh

if i knew i i probably wouldn't need any

help

and i feel like that's a that's a fair

response to that question honestly it's

i don't know i don't know what else to

say about that one there's just

how would it change i

have no clue

and i can't see that far into the future

i

guess on to number eight

am i fighting anything in my recovery

and one thing i i fight a lot is

impatience

impatience with myself mostly but

sometimes with other people and with god

i want things to happen now

and i've

always wanted things to happen now and i

don't want just anything to happen now

on what my thing to happen now

it's very selfish and patience

you know i mean i won't tell you that

if you know if we're in a room together

but

i might not not even realize that but

when i look back at it i'm usually just

impatient because i didn't get my way

there's a second part to that question

says what do i think would happen

if i became willing to let recovery

prevail in that area of my life

i think that's a more in-depth question

than the first part

really all i could come up with is that

uh i'd probably have more peace

a little more serenity in my life

be a little more accepting of

just whatever comes

and the last one number nine

what action do i plan to take to follow

through on my decision

and i just went back to

kind of what i had said before to take a

look at my day

and

look at the

most likely problem points

that might come up in the day and make a

plan to ask for help

who or how

maybe even a plan of if this happens i'm

gonna take a break and pray and do my

thing and come back and try to do better

and the second part of that question is

how does working the remainder of the

steps fit into this

i'd say pretty easy there's gonna be a

million different

questions

and things that come up through working

the steps every single step and as i

rework them i have new questions that

come up

and new worries

that i need to

again

resubmit through that

process of surrendering my will

every time i do that i get to kind of

restart

so i get to just take

days as they come instead of

worrying about

my step 8 right now or my

9 or 10 or 12 or

redoing them next time

i don't have to worry about any of that

stuff

that's how it comes into play because in

order for me to not worry about it i

have to give it up today

because it's not something i can do

today

and kind of make an agreement with

myself that i can revisit it

when the time comes

and ask for help

and deal with it then

and before i go

today i was gonna share with you guys

some notes i took while i was

in the hospital the other day

i was listening to this meditation

and it was talking about

being divinely created

being

engineered in such a way that we're

special that we're unique

that we all have these very specific

things about us that make us who we are

and i thought it really tied in with

this

where that took me in meditation

was that

sometimes i get

caught up and trying to

be what i think other people

think i need to be

or i start to

see a quality of myself and i don't like

it so i think i need to get rid of it

and how hard it's been it's been really

hard to

to accept

all the things that i found out about

myself because there's things i like and

things i don't like

there's even some things that i've

really hated to find out

but one of the things that i've come to

believe

that i've

chosen to believe

is that i was

created to be this way

you know i wasn't

created to be a

car salesman or

to be a

football player

you know i wasn't created to

be a pilot

or a police officer

you know it's just simply not who i am

but i've always been the type to have

all that like a million things going

through my head at the same time and

i'll start going over all these thoughts

like

just going everywhere

and i don't even know where it's taking

me

and i've always gotten so frustrated

with those thoughts they're just racing

thoughts just everywhere

then i always thought man i need to

change that

i need to figure out a way to change i

need to figure out a way to be something

else to be

someone else

i need to figure out a way to be better

and in my mind being better wasn't

necessarily being

a better me

and improved

upon me

it was uh

let's minus a lot of stuff out of me

and

implant

some different stuff

you know and there's

there's some

something wrong with that

so i've had to

kind of have a whole

shift

in mentality

instead of trying to

become what i think that

they think that i need to be

or trying to become what

i perceive is

a better version

i've had to start looking at

me as a set of tools and

skills a set of sensitivities

a set of values

and when i do that

i can

value who i am

i can see

the good parts

yeah my mind might

race in crazy directions but when i take

the time to put a pencil to paper

i come up with some good stuff

you know i'm a mess

with how i think it work and

organization skills etc but

but i can make some beautiful things

i can solve

some intricate problems

can build

machinery and

woodwork

i can work on cars

of course i do some audio editing

but

there are

always positive sides

to the sides that i hated

and the more that i look for those

the better off i am

so nowadays instead of trying to change

or trying to be better

it's in

the surrender

just like step three

it's a different way of viewing what's

already there

i don't have to solve the problems i

don't have to know all the answers

i just have to do

the part that i'm good at

and let my higher power take care of the

rest

and so i started building on the skills

that i have

spending time with my values my core

values

learning about

what i do and don't believe

what's important to me and lo and behold

the things that frustrated me about me

start to kind of fizzle away because i'm

using

that energy somewhere else

i'm using it for the good side i didn't

have to change who i am

i just had to change how i used it

i had to change what i'm doing with it

just had to make the decision

to use it for something productive

something beautiful

something i can care about

something that means something to me

or that means something to somebody else

that can help someone

and that's that's like the step three

core for me

that's what i get from it that's the end

result

and

i think that's all i have for you guys

today

thank you for tuning in

you all have a good one