Transcript

thank you for tuning in to victorious

and recovery last week i had left off talking about a

higher power and my you know new concepts of that and

my new understanding of higher power and

what that means to me and the reason why

i've been on that subject is because i'm

on step two with my sponsor again

and i've been just trying to

work through some of the workbook

questions and i'm doing the uh n a

program abbreviated work book right now and so

it's a little more questions than i'm

used to but it's a good experience so far

i just had a few questions left i had

left off around question six last week

and the things that i was talking about

so this week i wanted to go a little bit

more in depth of what my answers are and

and why i feel that way now i guess

in essence i'm going to go through these

questions as if i was sitting in front

of my sponsor in hopes that somebody can relate and

say oh okay i'm not the only one that

has that answer or i'm not the only one that feels that way

or maybe even it'll help

it'll help a deeper understanding

who knows but either way here i go with these

so question number seven on my

list here is what evidence do i have

that a higher power is working in my

life and i've been instructed to go through

these since it's not my first time

going through the steps i've been

instructed to go through them not in reference to

necessarily my using

but answer them as i would right now

in reference more so to my life and recovery

which i think is a a good way of doing it because it's

really easy for me to regurgitate

all the things that happened to me in my addiction

and what helped me get out of that

but it's also really easy for me to stay

there and get stuck and eventually what i'll find out which i

have several times is that what worked for me in the

beginning isn't working anymore now

so it's really important for me to

answer these questions

from my current point of view

regardless of what my point of view was

that got me clean it's more relevant now of my point of

view in recovery so that i can stay

clean so the question was what evidence do i

have that a higher power is working in

my life and i'm just going to read my answers

verbatim and then kind of go a little

deeper i answered i'm not dead

i have a life that is reasonably happy

most of the time and i kind of ripped off that last part

from the part of the serenity prayer that we

don't usually say the whole thing we just say

a small part of it but one of the parts

at the end of the original serenity prayer says that

we can be reasonably happy most of the

time in this life and into the next i believe

and i guess what i'm trying to say is

that the biggest testament that there is a

higher power and i'm not talking strictly

god right now although i do believe in in god

i'm gonna talk outside of that today

i'm going to talk about all the

different versions of a higher power

you know i'm alive uh by the works of many higher powers

my god the court system

the team program that bonded me out to

begin with the divergence program in midwest city

all of these are higher powers that have

played into me seeing that there's a higher power

working in my life at some points in my recovery it's been

my family it's been a significant other

although that's not a healthy one

it has been nonetheless

so in a nutshell i'm alive i'm alive and that's my biggest evidence

that there is a working higher power in my

life question number eight

is what changes in my thinking and

behavior are necessary for my

restoration to sanity and this one is kind of a sore subject with me because

the thought of sanity is just ridiculous

to me i've never known sanity

so restoration to sanity seems like

impossible so still even at

two years and some months clean i have

to say that my thought of sanity

would be maybe not being on mental health drugs

you know and it's it's a misconception

i know that but still i have to admit

that inside me i just wish that i could

be free of all these things that i

consider to be insane that i consider to

be dysfunctional so my answer was these days fear of the

unknown has held me back

and in response to the second part of that

question what things are necessary

i would say willingness to try new ways

that's kind of

going back in reference to higher powers

things that no more than i do

is this definition in my head of higher

power isn't always a spiritual higher power sometimes it's

intellectual it's practice it's everyday wisdom

willingness to accept that maybe

somebody else's way or that somebody

else's opinion or some group's method is better than

mine is necessary for my restoration to sanity

question nine was what expectations do i have about being

restored to sanity

and i kind of already touched on this in

the last question i had to admit to myself that none

unfortunately i'm rather disappointed or

unexpected of much progress in that area

and the reason is is that i've been

disappointed a lot throughout this process i've tried to

stop taking my mental health meds

several times and it doesn't ever work

and i know that the two don't

necessarily compete with each other i

can still have mental health issues i

can still be on mental health meds and

still live a relatively sane life

but somewhere in me there's still that

nagging that says you're never gonna get better

dave even if you do get better

you can't really take credit for it

because you're taking so many mental health meds

and that's unfair to myself

it's unfair to the programs it's unfair

to everybody because the the truth is is

that i know that that's not the sanity it's talking

about but that's the sanity that i have

to talk about because that's what's in

me that's one of those answers that is kind

of all over the place for me and i'm

still still learning to accept all the different facets of

sanity that i might be able to restore in my life so

that brings me to number 10.

how am i demonstrating open-mindedness

in my life today

and i answered that i've stayed at my

job longer than i ever thought i would

and what i mean by that is that i've

been open-minded to the fact that

this isn't the industry that i

have ever worked in this is a new thing

completely for me and

to think that maybe i would stay there

permanently is is really crazy to me

and i've been keeping an open mind about

other things and so i my second part

answer to that is in my spiritual life

and needs and the solutions related to that

i've had to keep an open mind and be willing to try

a lot of new things

not just a new job not just a new way of

dating not just a new way of

friends not just a new way of

you know following the letter of the law

i've also had to reimagine

what my god is

what my god is capable of what

i'm willing to accept as truth

in my spiritual life and

the links i'm willing to go to and the

methods that i'm willing to use to

achieve spiritual growth so

question number 11 is

in what ways has my life changed since

i've been in recovery

do i believe more change is possible so

another two-part question there

and the first part i answered i've been

more consistent

at being a father at being a friend and

being an employee

and more consistent emotionally

to answer do i believe that there's

more change that is possible

say i hope so but it's hard to see right now

i've made a lot of progress and i've

kind of done all the things that i know

how to do and i've done all the things

that other people have told me to do and

i'm kind of at a plateau right now

it's hard to see what else i could do so

i'm thinking maybe it's just a matter of time

i don't know if there's a lot more i can do

but maybe doing these things for enough

time will open up more doors later on that i

just don't see yet

moving on to number 12

is there something i am now willing to

do that i was previously unwilling to do

so what i answered on here is to not quit trying

go with the flow at work and at home

and put my recovery above anything

and any person in that first part

the not quitting part

obviously i'm not talking about not

quitting drugs i did quit drugs but i'm

not willing to quit

i've gone through a whole bunch and i'm

what i'm willing to do is not quit i'm

willing to keep trying

and that sounds very simple but

there's a lot of self love

that has to happen to not quit

there's a lot of forgiveness

self-forgiveness that has to happen to

not quit to not give up because i make a lot a lot of mistakes

i get disappointed often of the choices

that i make i get angry and want to lash

out at other people and at myself

and every one of those is an opportunity to give up

every one of those is an opportunity to

say you know what it's not worth it i

give up my life hasn't gotten better i give up

every one of those is is potentially

an upset where i'll say

it's just not worth it why am i even trying but somehow

somehow along somewhere along line i

don't know when it actually happened but

at some point enough things that

happened that i didn't have to use over

that i said you know what i don't have to stop trying

i don't have to be perfect to keep trying

i don't even have to be liked to keep trying

i don't have to be understood

i don't have to have a love in my life

i don't have to have

the job i always thought i would have

i don't even have to have the friends

that i thought i wanted to have

to keep trying so i'm willing

i'm just willing to not quit above all else and

most importantly my recovery comes first

if i feel like i'm in a situation that

is not conducive to my recovery bye

don't expect me to stick around

don't expect me to feel like i have to

explain to you why either

if my recovery is in danger i'm leaving period

that doesn't mean that i'm not capable

of sticking around to help somebody out or i'm not

capable of loving somebody when they're not in a great place

but if it's a sticky thing if it's

something that is continuing

to chip away at my security

i'm not going to stay there

whether that's a job or a person

a house a relationship a side of town

whatever a conversation

it doesn't matter what it is i'm vigilant

and i can promise you my recovery is

more important

because with recovery i can get

any and all things back i can make more

money i can get another girlfriend

i can find another job i can buy a new car

i can spend more money so that i don't

have to go to that side of town whatever the case is

i'll survive if i'm clean it's just that simple

as long as i'm willing to put my recovery first

i'm gonna be okay it's overly simplistic

but it really is just that simple so number 13

what fears do i have that are getting in

the way of that trust

and honestly i don't know what trust

it's talking about on that one so i'm

just kind of going out on a limb

so i'm just going to kind of go through

my normal fears are

usually related to some sort of failure

i don't like failing at anything i like

being the best at everything i do

unfortunately i'm rarely the best at

anything i do so

that leaves a lot of room for

disappointment i fear being let down

i know that i'm not the only one out there like that

when you've lived the lives that we've

lived let down is just something we get

terribly used to

and at some point we learn to expect it

routinely i'll go into a relationship or a place or

into a job expecting it to fail

therefore like egging it on to fail

just because i'm so used to it

so it's like this daily reminder david

you don't have to fear this let it just let it play out i don't have to

fear and cause things to fail just

because i know they're gonna fail

because honestly i don't know anymore

i know the fears there

but i'm in uncharted territory

it's not healthy anymore for me to put

an expectation on something to go one

way or another because i've never been

here before i have no idea what's possible anymore

still sometimes i find myself fearing

that this is as good as it gets and i had made a

video or a podcast not too long ago a

few months back or something that was

about that what if what if this is as good as it gets is that so bad

and i had to think about that one day

because somebody asked me i was i was

crying and i was having this conversation with

somebody about i don't even remember what it was but

something wasn't getting any better

nothing had to do with my medicine or something and

the person pointed something out that

was just mind-blowing to me she said

what if it doesn't get better

can you live with that is it okay would

it be so terrible if it doesn't get any better and i had to

that just stopped me in my tracks

so sometimes i have to remind myself of that

that my life is already pretty good what if

what if i don't get any better would it be that bad no

my life is already leaps and bounds better

my mental state is so much better

financially so much better

home life so much better so i really

shouldn't get that down on myself if i stayed at this

rate progress for the rest of my life as slow as it

may seem right now i'd have a pretty

good life that was a big realization this year

number 14 almost there

have i sought help from my sponsor gone

to meetings and reached out to other

recovering addicts that's part one of

the question part two what were the results so

as is my custom i love answering

multi-part questions with a single yes um yes yes yes

to those the only thing i could think of

to answer that second part

that what are the results is i'm part of real life

i have real things happening that happen to other people

i'm able to see that because i'm around

other people so i know that i'm not alone

in the issues that i go through and the problems and

and the victories and all that stuff i'm not alone

i'm a part of real life i'm a part of normal life

if there is such a thing as normal life it's trials

it's failures it's successes

and time passes and things get better

everybody goes through it

i'm finally a part of real life

yeah sometimes it sucks but

still i can reach out to any of

hundreds of people and say hey have you

ever been through anything like this and

they'll say either they are right now or they have

in the past and if for whatever reason it's some

really one-off thing

they'll know somebody that has and

they'll appoint me to them i'm never

alone in anything that i'm going through

and that's what it is to be a part of

real life knowing that i'm not special when it

comes to the things that i go through

but i am special to have

the opportunities and the friends and

the groups that we're in

because most people although they go

through the same things that i'm going

through they don't have the support that

i have so really i'm on the plus side of things

and it's because of those three things

it's because i've sought help

it's because i've gone to meetings

it's because i've reached out to help

other recovering addicts because of

those three things because of those

three things that's why my life is good

so

last but not least

simple question not so simply answered

what is my understanding of step two

my answer to that is that there are many

powers greater than me

as an individual

greater than my knowledge

greater than my strength alone

that can guide me to success

and keep me there

powers that are more than i can be

and more than i can do and will be there

for me when i can't restore me to a path that leads to

sanity same choices and thinking

and i kind of hinted at this at the

beginning that's how i see it

step two came to believe that a power greater

than a myself could restore me to sanity

i think originally it said came to

believe in god but i'm glad that they changed that

i'm glad that it's not that way anymore not because

i have an aversion

to god but because i think now it encompasses

way more higher power

now to me means way more than just my spiritual higher power

because life isn't all spiritual

life has a lot of mundane things a lot of life

that i guess i could relate to my spiritual life but

it's so much easier to see this in a broader spectrum

there's people out there that know more

than i do sometimes individually sometimes as a

group there's people out there with

wisdom not so much on the knowledge side but just the experience side

and there's of course programs that can teach me wisdom too

so i've got options i have so many

options of higher power i have a higher power for every need in

my life if i need to have somebody teach me how to get in shape

how to take care of my body

i have higher powers i have people that

their knowledge and experience on that

is way surpasses mine

you might call it a resource every

resource that's good for you is a higher

power of some sort

when i need to know about the n a

program i've got an n a sponsor when i

need to know about any other program i

know other people in other programs too

i have answers for any question that i'm willing to ask

and i have other higher powers that aren't so enjoyable

but still nonetheless higher powers

i came to believe that the oklahoma

probation and parole office

can leave me the right way so that i can be free someday

you know is it a higher power that i

really love to interact with no

but they have a set defined way

for me to get off of probation

and to become free again

and if i follow their instructions I will be so yeah

came to believe i came to believe that even if i don't like

the method even if i don't like the

person even if i don't like the program even if i don't like the entity

i've still relinquished my rights and need to fall in line

and if i just take their suggestions i will be successful

and that is the sanity part coming out

the other side better than i am today

so my understanding my translation of

the second step is if i'm willing to ask if i'm willing to do what i'm told i

need to do i believe that there's a chance that my

life gets better in the end.