Sidebar: Recent Episodes
North Carolina Lawyer Assistance Program
Welcome to Sidebar, brought to you by North Carolina’s Lawyer Assistance Program, where lawyers help lawyers by sharing their experience, strength, and hope as they delve into their personal journeys of recovery.
We’ll initiate and guide the conversation with lawyers and judges, who will share stories, insights, lessons, and tools discovered along the way with the intention of relieving the stress and stigma of talking about how life, mental health, and the practice of law have affected them, both personally and professionally.
We encourage you to listen to a few episodes, subscribe to our newsletter, and peruse the resources at www.nclap.org. And, if you know a lawyer who could use a hand, please share this podcast with them today. Remember, at Sidebar…you are not alone, in fact, you are in quite good company.
Tune in for the conversations, community, and camaraderie. Stay for the shared hope and humanity you discover.
Have you ever had one of those moments at work when you say to yourself, “Who stole my self-confidence and why am I hiding in this corner?” While we may not literally go to a corner to hide, we may find other ways to hide professionally. Read full article.
Does self-doubt have you hiding professionally? Self-doubt is common among most people, and even more common among high-achieving professionals like attorneys and judges. Read the full article.
Party down, rock and roll, snort some coke, lose some soul.
17, running wild, bullet proof, foolish child.
Got the grades, got the girl, let's give UNC a whirl.
Read the full article.
"Window of tolerance (WOT)" is a concept that is extremely useful when teaching attorneys and judges stress reduction and emotional regulation tools. It helps conceptualize a zone in which we have the bandwidth to tolerate the stressors and emotions inherent in the legal field. It also helps us identify alternate zones into which we get pulled when we are outside of this bandwidth. Read the full article.
What began as a quick Practice Perspective about the perils of having an attorney as a legal client evolved into a thoughtful reflection on this lawyer’s childhood trauma and resolution.
Read the full article.
Are subconscious beliefs informing your decisions in the legal field? Read full article here.
This lawyer knew about LAP for years, but she hesitated to reach out because she thought she didn’t have “the bona fides.” She suspected her perfectionism and catastrophic thinking might be an issue, but those issues had been plaguing her since her childhood - long before she ever became a lawyer. Read the full article.
Research study mentioned in this episode related to gender specific findings: Stress, drink, leave: An examination of gender-specific risk factors for mental health problems and attrition among licensed attorneys.
In this podcast episode, we interview Nora Rivas, co-author of the 50 Lessons book series. The lessons in the book provide a jumping off point for deeper study and each is aligned with our well-being mission at NC LAP. Ms. Rivas is a consultant in the well-being space. She offers coaching, CLE, and law firm consulting.
Grabbing an anchor is a simple yet effective tool to release us from our reactive survival strategies and return us to feeling and acting like our best selves. Read the full article.
Have you ever caught yourself thinking something negative over and over again and thought, “Why am I saying that to myself?” What if you could take that same unconscious, unhelpful looping pattern and turn it into a conscious, positive, self-help habit? Welcome to the world of mantra! Read full article here.
Little David, with his pitiful slingshot, vs. the mighty Goliath. In a nutshell, that's how it felt to me for much of my career as a public defender. Now, with years of recovery in Al-Anon, I realize that so much of my perception of my role as a defender was tied up in my codependency, my need to rescue, and my need to prove myself worthy. Not all defenders feel as I did and not all defenders choose that line of work for the reasons I did. But for those who have, I hope my story can shed some light on the unconscious motivations some of us experience. I have come to learn that, while the job of defender is unquestionably very stressful and tough emotionally, it was my unconscious motivations that were the deep root of my depression and prolonged suffering. Read the full article here.
Surrender, a Cass Robbins Mystery.
Amends, a Cass Robbins Mystery.
Alison practices real estate law during the day, goes to graduate school at night, and raises young twins around the clock. At times she gets so overwhelmed with the many directions in which she’s pulled that she gets stuck deciding what to do first. In those moments, she finds herself procrastinating. Instead of doing something, she ends up doing nothing of value, like scrolling on her phone or worrying about missing a detail. Read the full article.
This lawyer skated through life and always managed to get out of trouble. Faced with some real legal consequences, this lawyer worked with LAP to “look good” when the reckoning came but instead wound up with an amazing life. Read full article here.
Grounding is a practice that moves your attention out of your thinking mind and into the sensations in your body. Grounding interrupts rumination and is helpful because it dissipates feelings of anxiousness. Read full article here.
After his father left, this lawyer substituted Hip-Hop artists for father figures. After an arrest in his 1L year, he was referred to LAP. Through spoken word, an open letter to his pops, and a podcast interview, he opens up with profound insight and vulnerability about his inner transformation. Read the full article here.
Robynn and attorney Derek Dittmar explore the limitations of language for words like “disabled” and “impaired” and what it means to work in a profession not designed for you, as Derek shares his experiences as a blind attorney. Read full transcript here.
Where self-criticism erodes self-esteem and impairs our ability to think clearly, befriending ourselves does the opposite while also building self-confidence. https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2022-2/mindful%20moment.html (Read full article here.)
I’m ten years old and just won enough money performing in a group at a talent show to buy the toy I’d had my eye on for months. This is how the story of my first regret begins. https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2022-2/eyes%20on%20prize.html (Read full article here.)
“Inspiration” is an odd word to see written in the same sentence as “suicide.” Nevertheless, I was inspired to write this paper by a speaker at a recent webinar on well-being in law. Asked for her proudest accomplishment since joining a big law firm as its wellness officer, the speaker pointed unequivocally to the normalization of words such as “depression,” “anxiety,” and even “suicide.” She felt strongly that if we are ever to move past the pernicious stigma attached to mental health and substance use issues, we have to be able to say the words attached to such challenges out loud, without judgment, without that little pause to check internally whether we are at risk of dropping a hot potato into the conversation. https://www.nclap.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/Everything-I-Know-About-Suicide.pdf (Read full article here.)
Think everybody else has figured out a special something that you have yet to discover? They haven’t. Worried secretly that you are, at best, deficient, at worst, a fraud that has no business practicing law, sitting on the bench, or holding your current position? You aren’t. And you are not alone. In fact, if I had to identify the most consistent complaint or issue that attorneys and judges struggle with, it is imposter syndrome. https://www.nclap.org/imposter-syndrome/ (Read full article here.)
Join us for an interview with Warren Savage, senior claims attorney at Lawyers Mutual, as he reflects on what he has seen with lawyer mental health over the years. In this episode Robynn and Warren reference https://www.ncbar.gov/for-lawyers/ethics/adopted-opinions/2013-formal-ethics-opinion-8/ (2013 FEO 8).
Humility is not a word commonly associated with lawyers, but it is something I learned in recovery, and found essential in the study and practice of law. When I got sober, the “old timers” taught me that humility was the process of being teachable. One old timer said “humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.” https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2013_fall/humility.html (Read full article here.)
I am a lawyer and an alcoholic, but not necessarily in that order. I was an alcoholic long before I even considered becoming a lawyer. I don’t believe that the inherently stressful nature of the practice of law caused or even exacerbated my alcoholic drinking. I do believe that because I am a lawyer I was offered the care and assistance of the Lawyer Assistance Program of the North Carolina State Bar, and that the program, quite frankly, saved my life. https://www.nclap.org/recovery-story-being-a-lawyer-saved-my-life/ (Read full article here).
Valentine’s Day—handcuffed and removed from my home at 10:38 am. “Success” had been attained—married, healthy, gifted children, financially secure, a steady stream of new clients coming through the firm doors. I had “made it”—a thriving, 65-hour-a-week litigation practice that consumed most of my waking energy, leaving little for everything else. https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2019_2/Not%20a%20Happy%20Valentine's%20Day.html (Read the full article here.)
The wheels came off the day the bar results arrived. I have no idea how long I had been an alcoholic drinker by then, but I have a few guesses where it started. Years prior, I was in a serious accident, hitting the pavement at more than 55 miles per hour. A couple of surgeries and more than a decade of rehab later and I still feel discomfort every day. At the time, painkillers made me nauseous, but I had to quell the pain, so I turned to wine. A lot of wine. A seed was planted – alcohol numbed physical pain. Fast forward several years and I was at the end of my first semester in law school. https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2022-1/true%20surrender.html (Read full article here).
Despite the many challenges in today’s world–particularly practicing law during the pandemic–there are likely at least a few moments in your day when something good happens. Life-affirming moments that spark joy, bring a smile to your face, or make you laugh are what nervous system expert and author Deb Dana calls a “glimmer.” https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2022-1/mindful%20moment.html (Read full article here).
People take the anonymity thing very seriously. I personally believe that it is not because of some high-minded adherence to the principle of anonymity, but because of a deep-seated internal sense of shame and fear of lost opportunity. https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2014_1/anonymity.html (Read the full article here.)
Something interesting happened when the world screeched to a halt and the courts closed in mid-March. The lawyers we work with as volunteers and clients did not respond as everyone predicted lawyers would. A feeling arose in many of our volunteers and clients that had them scratching their heads. For many of our LAP participants, inexplicably, this feeling seemed to eclipse most everything else. The feeling was one of immense relief. Read https://www.nclap.org/validation/ (full article here.)
My son is an addict. His addiction has had a profound impact on my life. Addiction—which includes alcoholism—is a disease, and it wreaks havoc on family members as well as the addict. In this 2-part article a LAP Volunteer shares about recovery on the family side....https://www.nclap.org/a-parents-roller-coaster-ride-into-recovery-part-1/ (Read Part 1). https://www.nclap.org/a-parents-roller-coaster-ride-into-recovery-part-b/ (Read Part 2).
I am smart. I really enjoy using my smarts to solve problems: logic problems, crossword puzzles, strangers needing directions, my clients’ problems, my friends’ problems, and my family’s problems. But, fixing problems has a sinister side, just like any addiction, and one can develop compassion fatigue. The best way to explain “compassion fatigue” comes from my therapist. During a session, as I was throwing off my defensive statements to her regarding “not caring” or “it’s not my problem,” she openly scoffed that I enjoyed fixing other’s problems the same way alcoholics drink beer. She observed that I would never be the person who just didn’t care. She is so right. I like helping people. I like being smart and solving problems. I discovered, however, that the bad side of caring too much and about the wrong things can lead to not caring at all about most everything. https://www.nclap.org/self-care-vs-car-wrecks-a-compassion-fatigue-story/ (Read full article here.)
I’m here because somebody, maybe somebody reading this, dimed me out. Threw me under the bus. Lied about me to the authorities. Said I was drunk in court. The truth is, I have never been drunk in court: yet. Never been drunk at the office…yet. Never lost my driver’s license because I’d been driving drunk…yet. Never been disciplined by the bar for an unethical act committed while drinking or drunk…yet. https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2015_4/dimed.html (Read full article here.)
One of the most-used words during the pandemic has been the word “change.” Each of our personal and professional worlds has undergone countless micro and macro changes; some for better, others for worse. The amount of adjustments we have been forced to make during the pandemic is almost incomprehensible to our brains and nervous systems. While we may have successfully adapted in countless ways, our nervous systems are not used to making so many changes all at once in such a short period of time; we may need some time to catch up and integrate what happened. Read full article https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2021_2/mindful%20moment.html (here).
When I think back and remember the latter part of my active alcoholism and its impact on my family, more than anything else, I think of the extraordinary amount of time I spent trying to hide my drinking. It felt like I spent almost all my time either hiding the purchase of alcohol, hiding the use of it (and then lying about the use of it), and attempting to hide all evidence—usually by throwing away all of the bottles, cans, etc. I knew, however, that there were times that it was not hidden. Read the full article https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2016_3/plain_sight.html (here).
Alcohol is not my problem. It never was. My problem is me. Always has been and always will be. And the problem follows me wherever I go. I struggle to accept my imperfections or acknowledge that I make mistakes. I have trouble admitting that I am not the best at everything. When I was in the first grade, my optimist league basketball team made the championship game. We lost, and I received a second-place trophy. Instead of being excited about my trophy, I was upset that I did not win the championship. So, when I got home, I grabbed an ax, took the trophy behind the pump house, and chopped up the second-place trophy into little pieces. My grandfather found me and was horrified. Read the full article https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2021_2/what%20should%20i%20do.html (here).
While driving to the coast recently, I was listening to Tara Brach’s book Radical Acceptance. Brach is known for encouraging her readers and listeners to face and walk through their fears and problems. It made me think of that night of my first AA meeting where I uttered the magic words for the first time. There was something powerful in stating publicly what I had known for years but refused to accept. I have described that experience as flipping a light switch. There was an immediate shift within me. That got me thinking. Are there other things in my life that I am resisting? Wouldn’t it help to acknowledge those things to someone else? Read the full article https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2021_2/admitting%20fear.html (here).
At the start, it was a starburst of luminous warmth. It was fun, it was freeing, it was sophisticated. It was summer beers, sunset champagne toasts, French martinis and obscure Italian wines. I started drinking because it made me relaxed and connected and in love. I felt closer to people around me, to myself, to the buzzing hum of energy I called God. Drinking helped me inch from chrysalis shells of shyness and insecurity. It took me to temporary planes of higher consciousness. Drinking was my friend. At the end, I was stranded and alone in a darkened house, a husk. What once connected me had led me to self-imposed isolation and crippling loneliness. Read the full article https://www.nclap.org/no-one-is-coming/ (here).
Mid-November 2000 I was lying on a couch in my office with the lights out, hoping the room would stop spinning. It was around 8:30 am and I found myself in the same situation again: hung over at work and desperate. I was desperate not to have to go to court and act like everything was okay. I felt empty and fearful. I was disgusted with myself and felt no hope. My life seemed to be one big black hole. I couldn’t face people and I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. My professional life was coming to an end, and I thought there was no stopping that inevitability. A hearing in front of the Grievance Committee of the State Bar was fast approaching....Read the full story https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2021-4/get%20off%20the%20couch.html (here).
21 months into the pandemic, many lawyers are on the verge of collapse. In this latest edition of the Mindful Moment with Laura Mahr of Conscious Legal Minds, Laura takes us through a short exercise we can use to rewire our brains when the world does not feel OK. Link to the full article https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2021-4/World%20is%20Not%20OK.html (here).
The judge said he hoped to see me on the other side of the bar in 5 years. I thought to myself: There’s no reason it should take me five years to pass the bar. After all, I had already been sober for about a year, and it had been almost 2 years since my third DUI. It’s an unfortunate story, but definitely not unique. I had graduated law school, but then bar study met my best friend, King Alcohol. Before I could ever see with clarity what was really going on, the disease of alcoholism took almost everything from me. Maybe I knew I had a problem, maybe I didn’t. Maybe I just couldn’t reconcile my glamorous vision of a successful legal career with a life without my very best friend. It doesn’t really matter what happened or how it happened. All that matters was that now I was sober, and I wanted my life back. Read the full story https://www.nclap.org/sidebar/2021-4/time%20takes%20time.html (here).
Welcome to Sidebar, brought to you by North Carolina’s Lawyer Assistance Program, where lawyers help lawyers by sharing their experience, strength, and hope as they delve into their personal journeys of recovery. We’ll initiate and guide the conversation with lawyers and judges, who will share stories, insights, lessons, and tools discovered along the way with the intention of relieving the stress and stigma of talking about how life, mental health, and the practice of law have affected them, both personally and professionally. We encourage you to listen to another episode or two, subscribe to our newsletter, and peruse the resources at www.nclap.org. And, if you know a lawyer who could use a hand, please share this episode with them today. Remember, at Sidebar…you are not alone, in fact, you are in quite good company. Sidebar: tune in for the conversations, community, and camaraderie. Stay for the shared hope and humanity you discover.