I want to give you a little context because I realize I often refer to “when I was single,” when talking about when I was on the path of trying to date with a disability. I did not meet my husband until just before I turned 39 and we were married two years later. I consider adulthood beginning at 18, so I was single and trying to date successfully for a good 20 years. Twenty years. That’s a long time. Trust me, it felt long in the midst of it.

In those 20 years, I had a lot of lonely nights. To me, lonely nights are twofold. There’s the lonely of 8pm on a Saturday night and then there’s the lonely of 3am. I’m sure you know what I mean. The 8pm lonely might have thoughts of “Everyone’s out on a date or cuddling with their sweetheart but me.” It feels lonely and it sucks.

Then the 3am lonely feels more like a panic. “Will I ever meet someone? Will anyone find me attractive?” And then it can spiral out of control. You begin to think, “Will I die alone?” Or at least, I did.

I wanted to let you know that whether it’s 8pm or 3am, you’re not alone with these thoughts.\

And it will be okay.

I think back now on my life and how those nights terrified me at the time. For a while, I had them so frequently, it left me sleep deprived.

And life ended up working out for me. Nowadays my sleep is mainly disturbed by my son or dog waking me up.

The RemedyThe best advice I can give you for these lonely nights is to begin by acknowledging YOU’RE NOT ALONE. Many other single people are having lonely nights too. We just don’t talk about it that much.

Then develop a plan for yourself of how you’re going to address the problem of the lonely nights. Are you going to begin going somewhere, maybe join a group to meet people, get on a dating site? What are you going to do that is within your control to meet people? When we’re experiencing a negative emotion, such as loneliness, we want to honor and acknowledge that feeling, but we also want to take action toward the problem. This will help you from feeling like the problem is completely outside your control.

Here are some concrete tips for that 8pm loneliness:

• Plan something for yourself ahead of time if you know you have plans. Maybe pick out a movie or show you’ve been wanting to see. Call a friend and get together. Or plan to dive into your hobby at that time.
• Pamper yourself at that time. Do a spa night. Be good to yourself, as long as it’s not eating a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and a package of Oreos.
• Join a group, either online or in person, so you don’t feel alone.

Now, for the 3am loneliness:

• Love yourself. If you’re having panicky thoughts about your life, your body and mind need love. Acknowledge three things you love about yourself.
• Reassure yourself that these are just thoughts in your beautiful head and have no reality to them.
• Take deep breaths. If you have trouble doing this on your own, YouTube has videos to guide you on this.
• If you’re so inclined, pray or meditate. Turn it over to something more powerful than you.
• If needed, call those people in your life who you can call at 3am.

Where Do We Go From Here?

• Download the Relationship Vision guide to help you put your focus on what you want to attract into your life rather than worrying about what you don’t have.
• Did you hear we’re conducting research on dating with a disability? Please schedule a time to talk with myself or my amazing colleague, Alexa. You can schedule at a time that’s convenient for you.
• If you have an idea for a guest on the podcast, email me here