When I was growing up, there was this song we sang in church all the time - As the deer pantith for the water. . . So my soul longeth after thee.

I grew up in more of a formal, nondenominational setting 

where worship was completely disconnected from any sort of emotional experience. It was more  liturgical. I remember watching adults sing the song with such confidence and peace. I felt so unworthy while they sang it. 

I especially remember my teenage years. I would go from being in services where this song was sang, and walk out wondering why I had such questions. I dealt with frustration, confusion, and even anger at times. 

I felt so hypocritical. 

How could I sing such a song- if I wasn’t getting along with my family? 

How could I worship to such lyrics -when I was in a fight with my friends? 

Even worse, When a good friend, Sara died of cancer, - I didn’t feel comfort from the words of this song. I felt let down. I questioned God,. . . I didn’t long for him. 

If I’m honest, there are times even now - 

I know God is good. 

I know God is in control

I even Know God loves me. . . . 

But it’s easy to walk through things that hurt, and lose the desire to want to worship him. 

Does that make me an awful person? 

Am I evil, that there are times in my life where I have just been too exasperated to lift my voice in praise?