Whether you are a coach and you are engaged in sharing feedback with other colleagues, you are an administrator that evaluates, a teacher that delivers feedback to students, parents, or caregivers or a human being; we are all tasked with engaging in difficult conversations from time to time. Jacki shares about how having the hard conversations, that ultimately impact students, is our responsibility.

What makes a conversation difficult?

• Lacking confidence to articulate on a topic (articulation does not equal intelligence)
• Topics around students that are misrepresented, marginalized, or misunderstood (based on preconceived ideas)
• Inaccurate definitions operating as facts, including ideas that are misrepresented or misunderstood
• Conversations that involved boundaries; advocating for yourself can be hard
• Perfectionism
• Providing feedback to the person in a power position or hierarchy

What should we avoid?

• Using common words without common definitions
• Thinking someone else should have the conversation (“Passing the buck”) if it is our responsibility to own; however, if the harm did not involve you, keep yourself out
• Centering or prioritizing your feelings or the feelings of the person receiving the feedback, over the impacts that the topic is having on students (or other affected groups)
• Ignoring hard topics (bystander effect)
• Taking others’ reactions or emotions personally
• Jumping to conclusions, assuming how people will react, or what they may be thinking
• Letting our past experiences put us on guard or on the defense before engaging
• Only having deep conversations about things that need to change vs. ongoing deep conversations about practice

Strategies that support difficult conversations

• Creating a culture that encourages feedback, learning, and growth
• Consider the reason for your feedback, the timing, and the relationship with the receiver
• Focus on the impact over the intention
• Recognize if you’re dysregulated (in your head, body, emotions)
• Pause to find your words, “break and breath”
• Listen, don’t speak to be heard
• Know your own tendencies or fears and how they may impact your ability to give or receive feedback
• If you’re in a position of power, create avenues where it is safe to both give and receive feedback
• Think about the next engagement: don’t avoid people and don’t “overdo it”

Helpful Reminders

• Initial reaction isn’t always the long-term thought; sometimes people just need time
• Behaviors are not only an asset or a liability; they might be both; consider your “why” for engaging
• Sort out whose feelings you’re prioritizing and protecting

Connect with Jacki: thecatalystapproach.com

References:

Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Random House Publishing Group

Learn more about the podcast and browse resources, programs, and upcoming trainings and events for educators at www.mn.sourcewell.org/education