Love alone isn’t always enough to keep everyone under one roof feeling connected and secure. Despite the dream of harmony and the promise of new beginnings, many families find themselves struggling with uncertainty, misaligned expectations, and recurring conflicts that love simply can’t resolve. Is it possible to create a sense of “home” where everyone feels seen, heard, and supported—without sacrificing your relationship or your own well-being?

In this episode, listeners will discover why building a thriving blended family isn’t just about love—it’s about creating alignment through clear roles, structure, and intentional communication. The conversation explores the real-life challenges that stepfamilies and modern families face, including competing parenting philosophies, the presence of ex-partners, and loyalty struggles with children. Listeners will learn actionable strategies such as the Pause, Align, and Present method for unified parenting, tips for connecting before correcting, and ways to foster trust and emotional safety while honoring everyone’s unique needs. Get ready to transform overwhelm into clarity, and confusion into a cooperative partnership—one step at a time.

April is a licensed marriage and family therapist, stepfamily expert, and founder of Couples Thrive. She specializes in helping modern couples, especially those in blended families, create emotional safety, reduce conflict, and parent as a united team. She is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), one of the most research-backed approaches for couples, and her work has been featured in national outlets like Psychology Today and the Gottman Institute.

Episode Highlights06:09 Unique challenges blended families face as they merge different histories and systems.

09:56 Building alignment through clear structure and defined expectations.

12:24 Navigating family differences with the 60-30-10 rule.

14:19 Smoothing family life with weekly check-ins and defined roles.

19:09 Setting realistic expectations and practicing patience in blended families.

23:22 Overcoming common challenges through preparation and planning.

25:22 Unifying parenting decisions with the Pause, Align, and Present method.

28:13 Modeling teamwork and authentic connection during disagreements.

31:34 Building mutual respect through the power of pausing.

35:58 Balancing parental authority while empowering children’s voices.

39:36 Building trust as a stepparent by navigating loyalty binds.

43:19 Fostering respectful communication with clear boundaries and rules.

46:40 Helping blended families thrive with expert tools and support.

Your Check List of Actions to Take* Start a shared journal or Notes app with your partner to track moments of alignment and areas of struggle throughout the week. * Set aside time for a weekly alignment conversation where you review your journal and discuss patterns and sticky points together. * Establish clear roles and expectations in your family system, considering each person's strengths and the needs of the children. * Practice the “Pause, Align, and Present” method in moments of disagreement: pause the discussion, align privately, and then present a unified decision to the family. * Use a 60-30-10 rule—aim for 60% compromise, navigate 30% gray areas, and allow 10% flexibility for the sake of peace. * Involve children appropriately by hearing their voices and feelings, but maintain parental authority when making decisions. * For stepparents, focus on connection before correction—build rapport and trust first before stepping into disciplinary roles. * Regularly review your family values, using “we language” and modeling respectful communication, especially during challenging transitions or conflicts.

MentionedStepfamilies: Love, Marriage, and Parenting in the First Decade (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)

ERP 313: How To Become A Successful Blended Family — An Interview With Ron Deal

ERP 256: The Mistakes People Make When Blending Families And What To Do Instead – An Interview With Tracy Poizner

Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication (free guide)

Connect with April EldemireWebsite: couples-thrive.com

Facebook: facebook.com/AprilEldemire

YouTube: youtube.com/@couplesthrive

Instagram: instagram.com/couplesthrive

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/april-eldemire-lmft-8a8b3059

TikTok: tiktok.com/@couples_thrive

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Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com

If you have a topic you would like to be discussed, please contact us by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.

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Episode Transcript

All right. April, thank you for joining us. I'm excited about our conversation.

Me too. Thank you so much for having me.

Yes. And I know we share a similar love of the EFT model and having that be a part of the reference of how we work with people. And you focus on couples and also blended families. Do you want to say a little bit more about what got you into focusing on this particular area?

I would love to. This is my passion and my bread and butter. It's something that I feel is my mission. 13 years in private practice. I'm a marriage and family therapist. I'm EFT trained, and I've been working with step families and blended families' dynamics for many years, as well as traditional couples. And I also have a personal story. I was a former stepmom, and unfortunately, my marriage did not work out. But I learned so much from not only my personal experience, but also working with blended family couples in my practice that it's really my mission to help families, especially blended family couples, realize that it's not a love problem, it's an alignment problem. So they're not broken down or, you know, not compatible or worthy of having their family feel secure. “They just need more structure and a system to get them.”

“And is that what you mean by alignment, is structure and system?”

“That's exactly what I mean. Yes. I always like to say it's not a love problem, it's a lack of alignment.” And what that means is having clear roles, clear leadership, and clear expectations around how you're going to have your family system work.

That's incredibly important. I know that often people who are negotiating a relationship, entering into a more lifelong partnership like marriage, and have children or have had a previous marriage, are very hopeful. Right. And want to do things differently. And of course, we would want that for anyone. And you're also saying, even as hopeful and as optimistic as you are, that the love and the connection and what your intentions are, that there's a bit more scaffolding that will help support the process.

That's a beautiful way to say it. It's a bit more scaffolding.

***“So love will get you in the door, but alignment keeps you in the house.”***

Yeah. And so love, you know, isn't enough. We've heard that phrase before, but there's something true to that. And it's also about compatibility. And you create that as you work through and as you get to know and as you connect with not only your partner, but your new family system. So it does go a little bit further than that. And I think that's where couples really get stuck. They think love will be enough and it will get them through, and they don't have the other things in place to. That they've been able to establish to really set the foundation.

And arguably, this is necessary or helpful for any couple. And also what we counteract in some of the more media messages, it's like picking the right partners, the, like, bigger focus. Right. Oh, I picked wrong. Or, you know, that there was, I picked better this time, or something like that. But, I would say, and I imagine you would agree, that this scaffolding is helpful for any couple.

It absolutely is.

*******“You need a structure and a system in place to make things work.”*********

I mean, this is sort of an aside, but it's very pertinent. And I'm sort of in puppy world right now because I just got one, but I didn't just get a puppy, and I love the puppy right when I saw it. But love grows, and so does the system and the structure that I needed. So I had the dog trainer before the puppy came. I had the crate and the playpen and all of these areas that I needed to have that structure in place to have a really happy, harmonious relationship with the puppy. And so it's sort of similar. Although I don't want to minimize or diminish how important a family system is.

But it's similar in the same sense, in that you don't just expect that love is going to get you through. You have to prepare and plan and be really clear and intentional about how you structure things moving forward.

Oh, my goodness. Thank you for acknowledging the love that exists and also just how we are supported by that structure.

“So with the scaffolding, that seems important. Just regardless. But then, when we add the layer of complexity with blended families, this is particularly important.”

“It is. It's so important. Blended families have a unique and more complex dynamic to work through. You're coming in with different family histories, different parenting philosophies.” You know, you have a whole different playbook that you're coming in with, and then you're expected to merge the two. And so it doesn't happen like a skillet meal. It's like the crockpot situation.

*******“It takes time to grow, to nurture, to establish”*********

And that's where blended families are really beautiful. But they can also be really complicated at the same time. And so just to kind of normalize that for the families out there who feel like they're struggling or not getting it right, you're not broken down. You're just missing a structure. And what I help, coach, and teach my couples work through all the time.

Thank you. It's reminded me that years ago, I interviewed. And I'll put the interview in today's show notes, because I can't remember. Excuse me. I can't remember the gentleman's name, but he, with the families that he worked with that were negotiating blended families, would do the family tree, and he would show them. Even if, say, in the first marriage, someone passed away, and there's a widow, like all of those, or just divorce, whatever, the separation, like, that person is still existing in the dynamic. And that's just because you're physically under one roof, and the other parents are in a different location. He was really inviting. Like, this layer of complexity exists. Like, it doesn't just because it's not physically there. It is there.

I love that. It's like honoring all of the systems at play. Even if there's no physical presence, it still plays a part and a really strong one when you're in a family dynamic, trying to just make it work. So I love that dynamic. I love the different family tree and all of the different systems at play. I'm just kind of putting it out there. Helps clarify and just brings some understanding to what we're working with.

Yes. He was like, the visual. Like, people are just, like, astounded when they actually look at all the complexity of what is actually playing a part. So it is validating, I think.

Yeah.

Great. Well, April, I know that you're referencing the structure and the systems. Where would you like to start here? Around what you help people create in this way.

I love that I help people create more alignment. And so, typically when you're fighting about say bedtime or screens at the table or how much time you're gonna give each night to all of the different homework and school-related tasks and cooking and all of those things, it can get really muddled really quickly because

*****“High stress moments and a lack of clear expectations, clear roles, and clear leadership from partners get the system to break down.”*****

And then what happens is kids start to feel and see the cracks in the surface of the two parents, the two authority figures who really don't have that shared leadership system in place. The kids can feel it too. And so now everybody's feeding into emotional uncertainty and insecurity. What I would like couples to really practice is that those fights are about something bigger.

And it's usually pointing you in a direction where you might feel off, you might feel misaligned, or you might feel disconnected. And instead of winging it and just reacting in survival mode, as a blended family, I like to have couples prepare as much in advance as they possibly can and get very clear around what their family value system is, and then parenting from there. So it's the kind of bottom structure and foundation, and then moving upwards out of that. And that just involves clearer communication and an understanding of whose lane I am in and who, which lane is late, and how I can function the best in that lane?

And when you say alignment for people listening, how do you define that? How do you describe what that means in this context?

I think it's about feeling like we're in this together. That's what alignment feels like. So if I could give it a feeling, it's like, I got you. I know we're on the same team. We don't have to agree, but we do have to feel aligned, and we have to have a plan. So I like to kind of do with couples like a 60, 30, 10 rule. So 60% of the time, you want to find some compromise and common ground. And then the 30% of the time you're navigating the gray areas and then the 10% of the time you're letting go and allowing peace, you might say, I'm going to let that one slide or I'm going to give in or adjust on this for the sake of peace and for the sake of what our blended family needs to work.

And so that 60, 30, 10 rule is a good baseline of where couples need to be to feel like they're aligned. And in the areas where they need to navigate a little bit of the gray to understand, they might need to dig a little bit deeper; they might have to have better, bigger conversations around what their family system will look like, so that they can really thrive in all areas that they can. So I love that kind of rule because it tells couples like, we don't always have to agree, but we can find alignment the majority of the time.

******“Alignment is that we have a plan, we're on the same team, we're not against each other, and we're going to make it work no matter what.”******

And it sounds like there's clarity there. So with the 60%, we have a pretty good sense of where we're at, that it's not this winging-it type of thing.

That's right. It's clarity. That's a beautiful word. I love that it's clearly defined. And so it takes the guessing game out of knee-jerk parenting reactions or knee-jerk parenting decisions. And it puts you in the majority of the time, a structure, a system at play, and some clarity around how we're going to approach all of these different things that come up day to day.

And for somebody listening, that might be negotiating this or recognizing, I don't know what my percentages are. How would you help someone begin to do this work? Like how to give themselves percentages or how to develop that 60%.

I love this. So we have our phones, and we use them all the time. And I always like to coach couples to start a shared journal entry in the Notes app and start tracking it. So just take a week. And this is non-judgmental. It's not to evoke discord or disagreement, buts comes from a place of curiosity and information. And what you're gathering is what areas this week did we feel really aligned with, and what areas did we struggle with? And let's write those things down. So you're starting to figure out where those stuck places are throughout your week, and then you're having an alignment conversation once a week, even for 15 minutes. It doesn't have to be that long where you're opening the journal, and you're saying, oh, this is where we felt really good.

This is where you made that decision that I backed you up on, and here's that sticking point, and you'll start to see patterns, and you'll start to see what those sticking points, those sticky places, truly mean. And to go deeper with those, it might be in those moments there was a feeling of disconnect, or not feeling seen or appreciated, or not feeling heard in the moment. It could speak to maybe an underlying parenting issue around feeling guilt around how you're parenting one of the kids, or, you know, just having more information that maybe the other parent doesn't know about. And so you want to get clear about what those sticky parts really mean. It's not usually about the surface. When we can reveal what's underneath the surface, it becomes clearer that we have something to work with.

And so that's why those weekly conversations are really helpful. And just tracking it is a good baseline to start.

Yes. And would you think that having some prep work even before that would be helpful? I mean, I get that just starting wherever you are, like this, is a good way to gather more information. Part of that question around prep work is if we've identified our top values, what decision-making approach we want to use to make decisions, and what our roles are. It reminds me of, I don't remember. I think it might have been a different interview, but she was really recommending that even if the stepparent wants to come in and be an added parent, the children might not, depending on their ages, be so receptive. It's like, who do the children want you to be? And then, as a couple, who do you, what does each person want that person, the step-parent, to be, and that role?

Like, it's not just an exact, like, oh, I'm going to come in and be stepfather stepmother.

That's right. It's that's really helpful and so important to identify. So you're looking at the uniqueness of your blended family system, which involves so many different things that you can do in advance. It's understanding where the two of you shine, where you thrive, and where you don't, I? And vice versa. And that might be, hey, you're going to handle the homework situation because you're better under high stress. And I'm going to deal with the pickups and the drop-offs, and what ages are the kids, and what emotional needs do they have first and foremost. So you're looking at all those different areas. I mean, this is planning and preparation at its core, you know, kind of Mentals 101.

And that's getting to know the personalities in the home, the ages of everyone, and also where you shine and where the other one may or may not do as well. And focusing on the. Your lane, my lane kind of situations. And I think as you create that structure, you start to understand a little bit more about the needs of your family, the needs that the kids have, and the needs that you have collectively as a couple. So you can do that from the preliminary stages. Okay. We love each other. We know we want this to work. Now, what are we working with? By the way? This also includes the X factor, the presence of the X person in your lives. There could be a strong presence of one partner's ex in your life. There could not be a stronger presence.

And maybe

*******“The step-parent is taking more of an active role in being a primary parent figure.”*******

So it's also understanding those other systems at play, too.

Yes. And as I was describing an example, the family in my mind was that a step-parent is coming in and joining the existing children and the primary parent. But then there are cases where people are joining children together. Right. And helping. I mean, it's so. So many layers. Yes.

So many layers.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's really hard because you want the kids to get along, and then you want, obviously, your connection to last, and then you want the system to get along cohesively. So you want to make sure you're seeing and just observing initially and remembering that this is a work in progress. It's not all going to come together right away. And I think some of what step-parents also get wrong, albeit with really good intentions, is that they want to feel like a real family fast and very soon, and they lose the ability to connect and to create emotional safety in the home for everyone involved because they want quick results, and they want it all to come together. That's a beautiful place to come from and a beautiful want and desire. But it doesn't happen that way.

Typically for blended families, it's low and slow, and it takes time for everyone to adjust. And for step families, a wonderful sort of nugget or takeaway that I would love to give is connect before you Correct. Instead of coming in right away and establishing yourself as the authority figure, maybe you and your partner have determined that the bio parent will handle all discipline for a period of time. And the step-parent is just focusing on how to connect with this child, how do I empathize with them, how do I build that relationship so that they trust me, and then I can be the authority figure in their lives. Then I can take more of an active role, whether it's with discipline or, you know, just engagement of other things. And so connection is always the first.

Place to start, I resonate with that fullheartedly. That's how we typically can lead, through connection, right? It's this sense of I see you, I understand you. We have this rapport, as you're saying, and then there's more trust to be able to follow a lead and the care and consideration around that. April, I remember hearing that the average is like, it takes like seven years for blended families to feel like home. You're nodding.

Yes, I've read it. It's actually a book called Step Families by James Bray, I think the author is, and he says in the book, which I kind of mentioned earlier, but I actually took it from the book that I read, that Nuclear Families is like a scale skillet meal. You throw everything together, and you get this wonderful thing in like 30 minutes. Right? But in blended families, it takes around seven years to feel like a family. And it's like a crockpot. You throw everything in, you turn it on low, and hours later, you get this beautiful meal. It's the same thing for blended families. So that average is actually very accurate and research-based. It takes around that long to build trust, to establish that connection, and to feel like a real sense of belonging for a blended family.

So if you think about that, you're in the long game, blended family couples. And that's okay. That's okay. You'll get there.

And that's a beautiful message. I believe that the expectations are calibrated so there's more room and space to go slow and low, as you're saying, to connect before correcting. Like, there's a lot more room versus like, oh my gosh, everybody is watching what's going to happen. We need to dial this in and put a pretty bow on it. And like just anybody under pressure feels stressed, and we are not typically that attuned, and we're going to miss.

That's right. That's so true. So,

***“Take the pressure off what the expectations are because you'll soon realize that what you expect or think it will go like looks very different.”***

So you've got to feel a bit flexible and you know, adjust a little bit those expectations along the way too. And it is a process, but it's a beautiful one. It's complex, but it's beautiful at the same time. There's no doubt about it that a blended family is hard work, but it's worth the hard work if you put the time in.

You know, earlier you were talking about looking at the 60%, perhaps using a note to kind of observe process throughout the week where both people are participating and what worked well, where do we feel sticky points and really running through some of these phases in life where we're, you know, doing the morning routine, the evening routine, the dinners, the things that typically require more parenting if children are in school. But some people homeschool. But it reminds me, I have a friend who's in a pretty large coaching company, she and her family, and they will do these live events and it's, and they call it TikTok, where they rehearse moment by moment, minute by minute, like what's happening? And they're really trying to dial that in. And it's almost as if, I mean, it's not something we imagine applying towards domestic life. But you're suggesting there's actual value in looking at the rhythm and the pacing and our, what we're focused on, what we're prioritizing, how we're, what our roles are, who's leading.

Yes, yes. I love that it's preparing as much as you can and knowing that it's not all going to be perfectly put together, even with all of the preparation in place. So, yes, you want to start with as much preparation as possible. Okay, what happened last week? And then what can we anticipate for this week? And how can we plan around the things that we're anticipating? The TikTok thing that you were talking about. Right. That's your friend. And then the other thing is if there's something that happens in the moment that you haven't planned or prepared for, here's what I want couples to do. This could be universal for any couple, but “in particular blended family couples, to do something that I like to call the pause, align, and present method.”

And so if there's, let's say, your stepchild forgets their homework again, and one parent wants to ground them and the other parent says, they've had a hard week, let's give them more leniency. And this is happening right in front of the child. And you don't know what to do because you haven't planned for this. So you just want to pause, take a beat, and either say in front of the child and to each other, let's talk about this after dinner. We'll get back to you. Or it could even be a look that says, we don't agree, but we're going to. And we're going to find a plan, and we're on the same team. And then you are going to align privately. So have that conversation, and that's where you talk about what needs to happen here and how you can back each other up.

And then once you align, you come back to the child, and you present as a united front what the decision is. And so the child is seeing that my parents aren't in agreement right here. But what they aren't taking in the message of is that if I wait long enough, that parent is going to side with me, and I can look through the cracks, and I can, you know, work through the cracks of their foundation. What they are seeing is that my parents disagree, which is normal for human beings to have. And yet they're also a team. They are the two authority figures in my life, and they're going to give me a consistent message. And so you don't have to have it all figured out all the time.

But with that kind of method, you're teaching your partnership, but also the family dynamics and the kids that you can align, and even if you don't, you can still support each other and back each other up. And it feels like a cohesive unit. And the kids get consistency, and they get a structure, and that builds trust for them.

Absolutely. And it models, as you're saying, what it looks like, live in real time. When people don't agree, that's okay; we're not trying to avoid it or just bypass it. We're acknowledging it, we're naming it, and we're organizing, and we're going to be addressing it, and we've got it. It's not a threat, like being able to see differences, that doesn't threaten the bond. Like what Great modeling.

That's wonderful. Yes, yes. Because

*****“We mess up, and we're not perfect human beings”*******

And so it's even great in the moment to just be authentic and say, oh, wow, you feel this way. Well, I was actually coming from this approach. Hey, kiddo. This is really interesting that we're not agreeing here, but we're going to figure it out and get back to you. That's just being authentic and honest, and I love that. Right. You don't have to be perfect; you just have to be intentional.

I so appreciate what you're saying because it gives room for both parents to see, from their perspective, the value of, like, oh, I feel sensitive to the challenging week the child has had. Right. That's a caring, that quality of caring for the emotional well-being. And then the other parent, that's like, I want our child to have structure, to have consistency, responsibility, and follow through, like both are valuable. And sometimes when we don't have this system or this process to engage with, people sometimes resort to one has to be right. And there's tension there, and it's like, well, who's gonna win? Or, it's not like people are consciously thinking one-upping, but we're so primed to be there's one winner, and you're really saying no, we can actually work together to arrive at something that supports both, or we talk it through, and we'll figure out the best approach.

That's right. And with a breakdown in connection, because there's no alignment, then what that does look like is a good cop, bad cop scenario. Even if that's not, as you said, conscious or intentional, that's sort of what happens. So you want to avoid that with the right system and the right structure in place.

Absolutely. Because, as you said, the child's just learning how to get what they want, negotiating the current system. And they're like, okay, I got a little bit more opening over here. Let me work that. And again, that sounds so manipulative. But as children and as humans, we want what we want, and we're going to work with what is.

And yeah, well, we like to negotiate, kids and adults alike. Okay. We're trying to negotiate for our needs and our wants. And so, yeah, it's not intentionally manipulative, but it does play out that way. If you allow that kind of system to take shape and then these are at odds with each other, the kid figures out who they can go to for what. The parents are off their team approach. Right. So now they're fighting against each other, and then everything starts to break down. “And that's why blended families fail.” And that's how mine did. It wasn't a love problem. It was ‘we’ don't have a plan on how to do this, and we're just winging it. And we never agree in the moment because it's usually about something deeper or bigger.

And if we could have had maybe those more intimate conversations or deeper conversations on our own behind closed doors, and really understood what this was all about. There's more curiosity in that. There's more openness, there's more flexibility, there's more understanding. Gets you in that area of being able to find compromise.

“And April, do you find that if parents are exercising what you just acknowledged, as we say, the acro, the words that you use for that?”

“Pause, align, and present method?”

Yeah, the pause, align, and present. Do you find that when parents are exercising this process, it actually sets them up, that they're like setting the tone that we are for each other, we are acknowledging the difference, and we're going to talk about it. So it almost supports their communication behind closed doors.

It does. It's a mutual respect. Right away, when you can pause and not make a decision, not one person, it also takes. It eliminates undermining each other in front of the kids. It eliminates overriding what the other person may want to do, feel, or say. And so it establishes a sense of mutual respect for the fact that we might not agree, but we're going to. You know, that's the message in this method. Right. Pausing and not making a decision or not, you know, having. Not disciplining in the moment from one person is that we're going to figure this out together. And what that does is create better communication, and it makes you feel more aligned. Right. So if we're talking about alignment, this is the piece where you feel aligned.

We might not agree, but we're going to find a plan, and we're going to back each other up. And that's the most important message to give partners, especially in blended families.

Yes. What I also love about this is the pause. Because sometimes when things are moving quickly, we feel that we have to come to a decision in that moment, or the pressure is on. So sometimes we're reacting when we actually haven't had as much time to really think it through. So I like the pause for that respect, but I also like the pause for the couple that they might actually feel a little bit of charge, like, ooh, we're not on the same, you know, and while they might present in that aligned way, they might feel an internal rattle. So when they are pausing, they're going to have a little bit more opportunity to calibrate, think about, okay, we have a difference of opinion here. How do we approach this with more gentleness and curiosity? And I think having time supports that.

It does. I mean, if you think about it just from a physiological standpoint.

Yes.

This is about your nervous system in the moment, wanting to do something. And pausing allows you to co-regulate your reg. You are regulating yourself, and then you are regulating you and your partner together, who are co-regulated, and then you're regulating everybody else, the kids who are in the mix. And so all of that energy is being, you know, translated outward into everybody else. And it is, it's about regulating your nervous system and allowing that time and space to not have an in-the-moment response, which 9 times out of 10, we, in hindsight, may have done differently or said differently or wished differently. Right. I can attest to that in my own life all the time. If I had just paused and maybe taken some time with that, I might have had a different approach.

Yes. And we actually often have way more time than we think we do.

It's true.

Yeah.

So, yes, permitting parents alike not to have to make every decision in the moment, you can take time. You can take time with it.

And then my sense is with the 10%, when you have the 60% alignment and then the live kind of gray area that you are using this process, how much trust and alignment as you're saying that the couple has, the 10% is rather easy because it's like, okay, we've got this whole 90%, like this isn't something. But when we have. We don't have a lot. We grasp at everything.

That's right. Yes. That resonates so much. When you don't have a lot of that alignment or connection, then you go into more protection, usually protecting what you want and what's more important to you. So it becomes so much bigger than it needs to be. And so that's why. Yeah. That if you can have those other things kind of nailed down or in check, the 10% is so much easier to give up. There's more flexibility in the 10%.

Great. I love this. And for someone who's listening that might like to involve the children, get their input, it sounds like your model allows for that. Because if the child is requesting something, raising their hand, they're going to perhaps say why they want what they want. So they're being heard, but the decision is just being discussed amongst the parents. And as far as like roles, as I had mentioned earlier, around whom. “Who the perhaps, step-parent like they want. How do you include the children in some of the structure and system?”

“That's a good question. It depends on the age of the child. Right. So if they're age-appropriate, to be able to have a discussion. Right. This is still coming from age-level stuff.” You might want to give them a voice, you know. Why do you think you can get a pass on this one? This time you've forgotten your homework two other times in the past month or whatever it is. And so you can give them a voice, you can allow them to speak about how they feel about a situation. But ultimately, you're the authority figures, and that's the message that you're giving them. You're allowed to have a voice. We will hear you out because every voice maybe matters in our family.

And that could be one of your family rules or your family values that you're doing in the planning stages of blending your family. Right.

****“We want to make sure everyone has a voice, so you're giving that child a voice.”****

But ultimately, you're still saying, well, we appreciate your feedback. We're going to discuss this and get back to you on our decision. And so it's still coming from the two parents. Right. And that's a really important distinction.

**“You're not allowing the kid to decide with you. You're allowing their voice to be heard, and then you're making the ultimate decision.”****

I absolutely agree. And for the transitional space, perhaps there's been a bit more conflict in the divorce process and then the blending and the child, that's like, I don't want a step-parent. I don't want to be parented, or I don't want to. And they're really. Whether or not they're super vocal. But there's some expression around not wanting the step-parent to be in the role of a parent. How do you?

That's such a great question. I love that you asked that. Because I think step-parents have an invisible role that they're constantly asked to function in. It's the double bind situation. You know, I'm expected to invest and care and adjust to my stepchild, and I'm also told that I'm not their mom and dad. And so this creates hypervigilance, uncertainty, and resentment, or at least it can. You might get that there are quite a lot of families who struggle with that when they're blending. And what I'll say is that's interesting. That's an interesting loyalty bind. And all that means is, first of all, not to take it personally. This is the child trying to figure out how they stay loyal to their biological parent and still find room and space for another parent in their lives.

And that takes their own adjustment, their own emotional adjustment process. And that's the part of connecting that's really important and not making it personal. It's not a rejection of you. There's confusion around where you fit in their lives. And eventually, as we're talking about low and slow, you're connecting with that child, and you are giving room and space for their feelings while also not taking it personally. It creates trust in them, and they can start to establish, oh, this. This person doesn't want to replace my biological parent, but they can hold space and have a really nice part of it. Have a nice relationship or have a nice part in my life, too. And so it might look different, but. And the child's adjusting to that, and so are you. So. And it's. It's an adjustment for both the step-parent and the stepchild.

Yes.

Tricky one. And it can be messy, and it takes time, but it can absolutely be something really beautiful.

Yes. Because I'm thinking how much this is. I was going to say initiatory, but that's not. I mean, yes, it is, but it's also a curriculum because it's the fast track for. How can you hold my upset feelings? Right. Sometimes in early stages of relating, we don't always show the inside, more vulnerable, upset parts. And as we build trust and we can reveal that, be more vulnerable and these more complex dynamics, that's more visible, like you said, there's some loyalty perhaps that's going on to the other parent, and for the step parent to be present and hold space, that it's okay that our relationship is not conditional. Like you don't need to be nice to meet. Well, yes, there are some boundaries, of course, around how we talk to each other and that.

But you don't have to, like, love me and embrace me and welcome me, and like, that's not necessary for me to have regard for you and care for you and be there for you. That's right, yes. So it can look different. And I love what you're saying. It's. It can also be just about redefining what the expectation is or what that might look like. And it doesn't have to be love right away. In fact, it won't. It won't. That's sort of like the expectation. Right. Is that my stepchild's not going to love me right away, but. And they will never love me, maybe like their biological parent. I mean, unless there's other extenuating circumstances. But for the most part, there can be love that's developed.

“You can have love for each other in a very different way”

and it still can hold respect, it can still hold trust, and it can still hold something really solid and deep, but that is something that takes time and is something that needs to be nurtured over time.

Yes. And then going back to the parents and the united front, that hearing the. The voice of the child that's not ready or still adjusting or dealing with the loyalty, how that all works, that there's some respect for their boundaries, that they get to have some choice in. But also as parents, like how we are the authority of the family and having that responsibility and those boundaries, we can learn how to work with that. So it's not like, oh, the child has all the say, but they do have some say around how they feel, right?

Absolutely. Feelings are okay. Disrespect is not right. So that. That is a clear boundary. That might be one of those things that you're discussing. As you know, you're the partners coming into a blended family. These are what our family values hold. And one of the rules of your blended family might be, no matter what, we always have mutual respect. And you're modeling that too. You get more aligned. If the child's having deep, big feelings around blending families, they're also seeing that the two parents are aligned and there's harmony and there's peace between them, which creates harmony and peace for the child. So their nervous systems are settled when two parents are aligned and not at war.

Yes.

So that's really important. But, yes, there's always room for feelings, and there's always room for discussion, but it has to come from a respectful place always. And if it doesn't, you know, that's one of those conversations that you need to pause, align, and present with. Take a hold steady, love. Take a breath. Discuss it behind closed doors. You know, how do you want to handle this? It should probably come from the bio-parent. Your step. Your child was disrespectful to me about their feelings. I want to honor their feelings, but I don't like how that was said. It was really mean, hurtful, whatever that is. And the bio parent needs to handle that exchange. And so you're getting back up. The step parents getting back up.

Because also, step parents sometimes feel like they don't have a voice or they're doing, doing, and they're, you know, they. They. They sort of feel unseen. And so it gives them a place of understanding for the partners, like, okay, you're supporting me on this. And then they're the. The bio parent is presenting that to the child. Hey, we don't talk like that in this house. I love this, too, by the way. We language. I think a lot of times it's your kid or my house, my rules, and making sure that you're presenting to the kids, but also that you're talking in a unified language, too. Like, hey, buddy, we don't. We don't talk like that in this house. We always have respect for each other.

You're more than welcome to express yourself. We want to hear your feelings, but you need to show respect first. And so taking accountability for the child for that. And it's in front of the step-parent, so the child feels, oh, my parents are disciplining me. And it's also. They're together, they're aligned on this. It's coming from a place of love. And so you're establishing what you need, and you're also setting the tone for how that will look and how that will go. That's really important.

Absolutely. It's a fine line. Right. Giving room and space for the child to have their experience and their feelings, and also how to communicate. Respectfully communicate that. And I think just ultimately, that's good learning and emotional development, period. And I guess I would imagine you would also agree that the child has permission to feel what they're feeling, but also maybe even what they. What they want to engage in physically, like hugs or kisses, or those types of things that they can perhaps pace that.

Yes, of course.

Yeah.

Physical touch, connection, affection. Those are always welcome, always should be. You know, one of the things that you establish a connection with and that the.

Child gets to say yes or no right in the beginning, like, if there's some level of, like, you know, again, with this really beautiful intention of, like, we love each other and big, happy family. And sometimes it does take some adjusting. So that attunement of really watching what a child might be ready for, again, is age-appropriate. But also, like, there are subtleties here that really have. I mean, your big principles are huge guiding lights here.

Yes, yes, that's true. It's. It's helping the child also navigate safety, physical, and emotional safety, too, and making sure that you're not pushing too hard, you're not going full speed ahead. So it might be taking a little bit of a backseat. It might be breadcrumbs of connection at first before you can, you know, come in with the full hug or the full.

Can I touch your toe on the couch?

Like, just.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Well.

And I acknowledge there's a lot of support that you offer the step-parent because of what you've alluded to here, around just this bind. “Is there anything more that you want to say about that? I know we're winding down, but.”

“I guess I just want to say that again. I've made it really my mission to help blended families get the tools that I didn't have, so that their blended family can really work.” And I've been working for years and years, and then personal experience, too, to create something that I believe holds so much value. And who I've also heard from a lot of blended family couples that I've worked with, if they implement some of the things that we've talked about today, they tell me that they go from overwhelm, stressed out, no peace at home to so much more harmony and alignment and connection and clarity that their home feels happy instead of, you know, chaotic. And so I think that what I would want to say to blended family couples is, again,

**“You are not broken. You just don't have the right system and the right clarity in place to get through.”****

So love will be that spark, but the flame is alignment, the flame and holding that flame long term is about the two of you making sure that you've got clear expectations, clear roles, and a clear understanding of how this will look for your blended family.

And the practice, I mean, it really sounds like this is a practice. And the feeling you're using the word home as like physical, but I'm also like, what you're providing people, it sounds like it helps them cultivate the sense of home with one another.

Right? That's exactly right. Home is a feeling, right? It's where the heart is, and you want your heart, this blended family that you've committed to making. And it takes work, and it is an intentional process. It doesn't just come together. So do the work and, you know, your love shall last. Beautiful.

And April, for people who are resonating with what you're sharing or wanting to get more information about what you offer, where would you like to direct people towards?

I would love it if people could go to my website and check it out. It's couples-thrive.com. I'm on all social media. Instagram is @couples-thrive, and what might.

Do people find your website?

A lot of information about the services that I offer, and also the blended family alignment blueprint course that I've created specifically for blended families. It's a course designed to help couples go from chaos to connection, from, you know, from feeling like they're not at peace to more peace in their blended family home, and covering a lot of the topics that we did today.

Beautiful. And so also, in addition to your course, do you. It sounds like you have other services that people can find and look at what you have to offer there.

There are so many things, so many freebies, so many things that they can find to just have a more harmonious relationship overall.

Excellent. Well, I'll make sure to put the link to your website and social media on today's show. Notes, thank you so much for all that you've shared.

Thank you so much for having me. This was so fun. I loved it. Thank you.

The post ERP 519: From Love to Leadership: Creating Alignment in Family Life – An Interview With April Eldemire appeared first on Jessica Higgins.