There Will Be Crossbows: Recent Episodes
James Nelson and John Robison
There Will Be Crossbows is a long-distance improvised comedy podcast, featuring frequent collaborators and veteran improvisers John Robison and James Nelson. We make up songs and other bits, record them, send them to the other one to finish, then meet online to record some scenes. And yes... there will be crossbows.
Two brothers come into a large fortune and promptly open up their own McDonald's franchise, but will their lack of business acumen sink the venture before it even gets afloat?
The Suburbs: the most dreaded frontier of the modern age. In this ruthless, action-packed episode, terrorists begin their hostile takeover of the a neighborhood, only to get sidetracked with second jobs and malfunctioning security robots. Also at some point the episode just becomes about pizza. Sorry about that.
Royal family drama ensues in this shocking new episode of Crossbows! Follow the adventures of Rutherford, Bea, and Hayes as they navigate a shifting monarchy after the death of the king.
Two poor saps kicked out of their choir on the same day face entirely different destinies after they try to salvage their careers at the local jazz club open mic night.
A young boy questions his faith in a provocative episode that quickly spirals out of control and becomes about Tilda Swinton.
When a child is forced to wear an unusual Halloween costume by their parent, all hell breaks loose in a town infested by entomologists.
From picking out salad dressing to eating human faces, this episode runs the gamut. We're sorry in advance for all the people we insulted in Hungaria, which is definitely a real country.
Survive the frozen wasteland that is Alaska. Bears, guns, global warming, and craft beer all pose dangerous threats in this special episode dedicated to the 49th state!
It's a Crossbows Mini-Sode! A kiddo gets his dream gift in the form of many horrific insects, Ozzy's autobiography gets cleaned up by his ghostwriter, and a very mysterious pandemic afflicts a very dumb person. All this and more!
In this epic mini-sode, big game hunters and presidential assassins argue ethics, and we learn why having all your neighbors on speed dial can be a disaster.
Wow, our first live show in 8 years! We booked the fanciest venue available to us, James's living room, and performed in front of an enraptured audience consisting of three of our family members! It doesn't get grander than that, folks. To top it off, we bring back the legendary "TrivProv" format as a throwback to the historic Bonner Springs improv scene circa 2008. Don't miss this once in a lifetime event!
It's a mini-sode! A couple of braniacs solve global warming, but have trouble stopping it. In a bonus scene, the Olympics comes to Tennessee!
It's a Crossbow mini-sode! Acclaimed actor Hayden Christensen tries to recruit more students for his acting workshop.
It's a Crossbows Mini-sode! A con artist gets his comeuppance and a black market dodo bird egg is the subject on intense negotiation.
It's a Crossbows Mini-sode! Enjoy a quickly escalating altercation with a paperboy and a wish-granting hamster!
What is improv, if not breaking apart something into little pieces of material? Please, don't reflect on that sentence, it makes less sense the longer you thing about it. The theme is "granulation", and we go from a hostile intern takeover of the sugar factory to a behind-the-scenes look at acclaimed actor Hayden Christenson's award-winning performance as Anakin Skywalker. Enjoy the whole episode in one go or listen to three-second segments once daily over the course of the year.
Order! Order in the podcast! Has one word every implied so much coordination, organization, and control as "order"? No, at least not until we debut our brand new word, "Controorganization" next week. For now, you'll have to make due with this episode filled with virtual reality gone wrong, oligarchic tornados, and chaos in the kitchen. Listen now, and then please alphabetize the other 96 episodes by this afternoon.
In a very serious, down to earth episode, the very laws of physics are challenged. An astronaut gets sent to certain death, wacky Isaac Newton comes up with a crazy discovery, and the president finally has to deal with climate change. Enjoy the episode before everything comes crashing down!
Nothing like "Soup" at the beginning of summer! On this episode, an orphanage looks for ways to cut costs, a food truck owner questions his business decisions, and a culinary reality show goes off the rails. Enjoy this one while it's hot!
Listen up, cause it's time we finally talked about the unsightly fleshly appendages which allow us the gift of hearing at the expense of being unsightly fleshly appendages. A little kiddo keeps getting his ear-doctors fired, the Italian Vincent Van Gogh shows his eccentricities, and an a cappella bassist with a rather unfortunate face comes up with a hit song. Use your ears to listen to "Ears"!
It's Jiggle Time! In what is probably the least stable episode yet, James and John riff on the many uses of the word "jiggle" in a free-form improv set. A young man is put to the test of adulthood by his cruel father, the dance callback for CATS goes awry, and some dumb criminals attempt a simple breaking and entering job. You'll be jiggling with laughter at this silly show (or possibly, you're having an allergic reaction to the improv and we should probably take you to the hospital).
Mmm, shrimp! As any good improvisor knows, food makes the BEST suggestion for a longform show, and this is no exception. A restaurant customer's deep hunger can't be satiated, a weakling hits the empathy gym, and the Shrimp Shrack tries to expand its menu. Pop a few of this episode into your mouth and don't think twice!
Clop, clop, clop -- it's time for a whole improv show based on the most beloved of tropical fruits, the noble coconut! Tropical Tony hires a Coconut Boy to help him advertise, two poor saps find themselves stranded on a tropical island, and a pair felons escape to the Maldives only to be pursued by hitmen sporting questionable foreign accents. Before you enjoy the episode, make sure to knock your fist against it a couple times just to make sure it's ripe.
Thish eeshpidos off Thrawiba Croshbrwo - oh, sorry, let me take these marbles out of my mouth so you can understand. It's a brand new longform-style improv show from the Crossbow dudes, and the theme is "Marbles"! Michelangelo coasts through a commission in Renaissance Italy, a couple of kids find their passion, and a home remodel unburies more than family memories. Bring yourself back to a simpler time by enjoying "Marbles"!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS WE MADE A NEW EPISODE IT'S CALLED LOUD AND IT'S A LONGFORM IMPROV FORMAT THAT YOU'RE GONNA LOVE AND - oh, sorry, you're just right there. Inside voice. Got it. Two engineers try to solve a very unmysterious mystery, a feud develops between local bell-tower operators, and a baby runs off for the enchanted forest, only to be pursued by the one and only Jim Morrison. Play this one with the volume MAXXED OUT!
This week we try out a classic longform improv format to shake up the show a bit! The dark truth behind Settlers of Catan is revealed, a colonization mission to Mars is rife with family drama, and a man has a very interesting approach to designing his home. Expand your own horizons with this wacky episode of Crossbows!
The weather is getting warmer, so we all got PATIOS on the mind, right? Well, instead of spending time outside, why don't you enjoy a patio-themed improv show instead? A guy mansplains his way through a wine tasting, some friends attempt the Biergarten Challenge, and Berb's Discount Patio Furniture gets an unusual customer. Sit back and enjoy the imaginary sun!
Has one word ever yielded so many possibilities? Yeah, probably. But this week's theme is "note", so that's what you get. An over-expressive actor gets kicked out of the high school musical and gets creative revenge, a student gives her friend a very considerate rejection to a love letter, John practices being a good Christian woman, and James sings Nickelback. Enjoy the episode, and write all your favorite parts down somewhere before you forget!
If you want the wurst German accents you've ever heard, then this week's podcast is for you! James and John have differing opinions on sausages, little Hans gets breakfast brats from his Mutter, and Grandpa dies from (you guessed it) eating too much bratwurst. It's a very subtle episode.
Shiny as a trumpet and loud as a trombone, it's an episode almost as precious as its metal namesake, "Brass"! Two band buddies have to make a tragic decision during auditions for first chair, the king of Switzerland is sent gifts from foreign am-brass-adors, and a car mechanic gets a mysterious new customer. Have a listen to this brand new episode before it oxidizes!
Like a sudden light of inspiration above your head, this episode will shine through the darkness to bring you a flash of luminescent comedy. And if you're wondering, yes, I do hate myself for writing that sentence. John explains why Predators keep him from gardening, a hardware store customer gets three wishes, and a pirate buries an unconventional treasure. Have a listen and brighten up your day!
We're trying to capitalize on other popular media involving Vision, so here's a whole episode about it! John discusses his various laser surgeries, a state fair attendee has to decide between a corndog and his wife, and a degenerate watches such obscene internet videos that his eyes rot out. All this and more unsightly things! Have a listen and make sure to give us a 20/20 rating!
Oh, God! This was supposed to be a gardening podcast, but it got exposed to radioactive waste and now it's turned into IMPROV COMEDY! AAAAGH! Listen in horror as James and John weigh in on useless superpowers, St. Peter takes it easy at the pearly gates, and a poor two-headed child is tormented by face-licking. Quick, listen, before this thing grows out of control!
Check out the full video episode on our Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmwBI2tPApkwK6l-JqQvnAg
The theme is "Juice", so whether you're a sugar junkie, a regular junkie who just loves improv, or a literal lump of sugar who has come to life and wants to experience human entertainment, this one is for you! James and John hash out their vastly different juice preferences, a parent accidentally gives her child an adult beverage, a secret agent mucks it up once again, and lots more. Ignore your dietician and join us for a good wheeze of the juice!
(For a full video version of the podcast, click here: https://youtu.be/4VgXglQ70Z8)
Allow us to indulgently express our true selves with this compilation of deleted scenes, each revealing a different part of our tormented souls. Like the scene where elephants have sex with bad stand-up comedians while they're performing, or the scene where two guys try to sell bulk kittens on the internet. What do these scenes say about your own inner psychoses? That's for you and your therapist to hash out.
No need to double-check your GPS, you're right where you're supposed to be. In our "Map" episode, we travel to destinations both physical and metaphorical in an exploration of what it means to be a human, specifically a human listening to an improv comedy podcast. John gets lost by trusting the questionable navigation on his budget cell-phone, Ponce de León is surprised by his discoveries in Florida, the writer behind Dora the Explorer reveals his secret, and so much more. For the full effect of this episode, listen in the car while missing your highway entrance.
In one of the strangest themes in the history of the show, we've done a whole episode on "sentient ovens", and if you're the type of person who stays up late at night whispering sweet nothings to your kitchen appliances only to feel emptiness inside when they don't respond, then this one is for you. And even if you're not that type of person, you probably have your own weird stuff going on, so you should listen too. This one is too weird to even write a synopsis on, but all you need to know is that there is at least one RoboCop AND one Terminator appearance, but they aren't in the same scene so don't get too excited.
Hold on to your seats, 'cause it's an entire episode on "Office Chairs"! Look, we know, office chairs are possibly the single most overused source of comedic material, but for good reason: they're hilarious! A chair? In an office? Bwahahaha!!! Anyway, we think we have a really unique spin on this one, so give it a shot. James unknowingly assimilates into his brand new high-end gaming chair, the pope adjusts to his new job, and a whole staff of employees reaches nirvana. Sit down, adjust your height with that little plastic lever, and enjoy!
In the most boring episode of anything ever recorded, it's "Milquetoast". This episode is so bland and uninspired that you're bound to fall asleep within the first three minutes. You'll sleep through James and John talking about bread (yawn), an unusual take on a classic "Our Town" scene (god that play is boring), and a song about a boring person with a boring time machine. Save the money on your subscription to Calm, cause this one will knock you out faster than a drunk baby in a boxing match. The drunk baby is the one that gets knocked out in that metaphor, by the way. I realized re-reading it that it sounds like the drunk baby is a super good boxer, which now that I mention it I sort of want to see that movie, huh? But don't be fooled, nothing in this episode is nearly as interesting as that.
We're kicking off the new year with a new episode, and this week's theme is "Barnyard"! Put on your overalls and round up the hogs, 'cause we got a long day ahead of us. James details his failed barnyard-themed wedding proposals, Old MacDonald and Young MacDonald are confronted with generational divide, and the ugly duckling adeptly handles being bullied. With an oink-oink there and a neigh-neigh there, you can listen to this episode anywhere!
It's the final year-end bonus episode! This one is a retrospective of our favorite commercials from 2020. Our sponsors are the best in the biz: completely fictional and contributing no profit whatsoever to the podcast. Here are all the best ones of the year!
Let the festivities continue: it's our top ten favorite improv scenes of the year! We've recorded over 200 scenes this year, so if you only want the cream of the crop, consider it done! Make sure to hop over the the Crossbow Club on Facebook after listening so you can vote for Scene of the Year!
Today's installment of our year-end retrospective series is our favorite interviews from Crossbow University! We bring in loads of special guests, all of whom are clearly us doing voices, to answer pre-recorded questions under the guise of being lessons for a highly questionable educational institution. Here are the best ones of the year!
Our sendoff to a hellish year continues with the best songs of 2020! Every week we feature a ridiculous new tune, sent partially completed by one of us to the other without any guidance on how to finish it. Hear our favorites all together for the first time in the closest thing to a Crossbows comedy album that you can get!
It's the first episode in our special end-of-year series! Count down to the new year with There Will Be Crossbows as we roll out a new episode each day this week. Today, it's our favorite Amazon Reviews of 2020! Have a listen and then make sure to drop by the Crossbow Club on Facebook so you can vote for your "Amazon Review of the Year"!
In this episode, we're wrong about pretty much EVERYTHING, so get your palm ready for face-palming. A quick discussion about the weather quickly degrades into aimless complaining about corporate greed, a little kid begrudgingly reveals why he still believes in Santa, and the contestants of a beauty pageant show their unusual talents. This episode is way better than listening to your moron uncle spout conspiracy theories over the holidays!
Ribbit! The slimy green ones get their day in the sun (frog doctor's note: direct sunlight is not recommended for frog health) in this week's "Frogs" episode. James is visited by three magical frogs in the middle of the night, John turns several bad drivers into amphibians, and a couple of drunk drivers get pulled over by a cop who asks a lot of questions. Don't let this one hop away before you can catch it!
Like the sharp sound of your favorite baseball player hitting a home run, this episode brings you back to your childhood, a claim that we're basing on the assumption that you grew up listening to a lot of improv comedy podcasts. John makes a deal with the underworld to preserve his "youth", Emily Dickinson finally gets to meet Death, and a fellow struggles with a particularly tough walnut. Have a listen to this episode before it completely shatters!
A special theme episode to warm you up for the holidays! This one is all about relationships, and it features a gaggle of scenes that were cut from previous episodes, a slightly smaller gaggle (a giggle?) of new content to flesh out the theme, and the triumphant return of "Questions and Answers", one of our original formats. A couple finds a mysterious vault in the basement, a vigilante tries to enact violent revenge on the trains that have wronged him, and we see both sides of an ugly inheritance situation in a song we resurrected from seven years ago. Don't miss this one, or you'll be forever lonely!
Put your dukes up, this week's theme is "Melee"! It's all-out, close range improv, and EVERYONE leaves this episode bruised and bloodied. John roughs up a stranger in the street, the Mortal Kombat guy encourages children to commit violent acts, and we sing a tribute to the heroes of a classic 8-bit video games. Have a listen, cause this one is a knock-out!
Get ready to burn the house down, cause this episode is gonna be (multiple fire emojis)! This week the theme is "Fire", and it's raging out of control. James and John discuss employment woes, a pair of troll besties bond over eating human besties, and Johnny Cash has an unfortunate appointment with his doctor. Don't play with "Fire" unless you want to get burned!
This week's podcast is "Brains", and it's chock-full of the sophisticated, intellectual humor that you've come to expect from There Will Be Crossbows, especially if you've never listened to the show and have no reason to know better. James and John start to question their own intelligence, a fed up Smurf is at his wits end with the village, and a prospective poetry grad student gets put on the spot for an audition. Make the big brain move and have a listen!
Aww, this one is just TOO CUTE! The theme is "fluffy", and you'll want to rock the phone gently in your hands while closing your eyes and smiling like some sort of weirdo in a stock photo to get the full effect. John and James reflect on their own mortality while ignoring the growing threat of John's menacing uncle, Chuck. A pair of pricey English bulldogs get an entire story arc. A boy raises an alligator snapping turtle as an unconventional pet. We all could use a little more fluff in our lives, so have a listen!
From the sweeping dunes of the desert to the luxury of tropical beaches, no natural element on Earth is more breathtaking or evocative than sand. I mean, besides fire. And wind. Plus cliffs and lakes. Shoot, now I'm actually thinking of a lot of natural elements that are way more breathtaking and evocative than sand. Oh well, too late to pull the episode now, right? This weeks James pitches a questionable new product, a bunch of school-children get to take home bongs from a field trip, and John reviews the classic film "The Sand". Get swept away in the simple, natural beauty of this episode!
Get your apron on and loosen your belt buckle, because this week is "Cookies"! We delightfully pay homage to the world's most famous dessert (no research was done to back up this claim, but are you really surprised?) in an episode as packed with silliness as a cookie is with sugar. John reveals his unconventional baking methods, a benevolent billionaire takes advantage of some girl scouts, and we set a new world record for the most items available from a bake sale. Pour yourself a glass of milk and have a listen!
If you're scared of the creepy crawlies, this episode is going to be a tough one for you, cause it's all about "Spiders"! James deals with a tough critter taking over his bathroom, a home sale is jeopardized by what lurks in the basement, we get to know the man behind the mask in an exclusive interview with Spiderman. We'll turn you from Arachnophobe to Arachnophile in thirty minutes or your money back!
Ahhhhh, the relaxation is real in this nice, calm episode all about "Fishing". John's recent fishing trip leads to some deep philosophical questions about whether he's a god, intelligent sharks ravage a research center, and a young man gets taken advantage of by a pesky cosmic horror. Sit back in a boat, tilt a hat over your head, and listen to this week's TWBC episode!
It's time for another Lazy Episode! No frills, no nonsense, no holds barred**, just a compilation of the best material from our cutting room floor. These episodes may not have made the cut for their original episodes, but they finally get their day in the sun. Two teenagers ruin a movie for the rest of the audience, a couple of gangsters have a tough time wrapping their head around idioms, two basketball players face a difficult choice in the locker room, and much more. Enjoy this uninterrupted block of deleted scenes!
*This episode may contain trace amounts of frills
**The makers of TWBC acknowledge that yes, it's all technically nonsense
***We don't know what a hold is, so it's possible that we bar one or two of them accidentally
The theme is "Lock", and it's very secure. No one is going to steal this episode, we made sure of that. If you want to listen, you're going to have to grab the key from the last listener because there's only one of them floating around. John starts working on his panic room, fed-up Americans make travel plans, and an obnoxious dude gets his comeuppance in a creepy song featuring special guest Erin Fox. Have a listen, and then forever lock it away with your most treasured memories.
The theme is "Healthy", and your doctor recommended you listen to it twice per day until you're better. James tries out a sketchy new exercise routine, John fails to get high snorting kale powder, and a young kid suspects his doctor is trying to kill him. Ditch the jog today and listen to There Will Be Crossbows instead! Featuring special guest Mairin Hartt.
This week we're spoiling you with our finest, most elegant episode of all: experience "Velvet" and all its decadent smoothness in a brand new, custom-made, luxurious episode. John tests out his new persona, a king picks out the perfect wedding attire, and James tries very hard not to start his own church but it happens anyway. Indulge in "Velvet". You deserve it.
It may be "Artificial", but it's almost as good as a real podcast! This synthetic aural experience will satisfy your basic comedy needs for a whole week or your money back. James tests out a simulation of himself to get out of doing the podcast, John reviews a fake crocodile head, computers annihilate the humans, and a man's face transplant is carefully negotiated. If you're someone who runs around saying, "Fake it 'til you make it!" in every situation regardless of whether or not you're even talking to anyone, you'll love this episode!
Zero. Zilch. Nada. Technically, this isn't a podcast, it's the absence of a podcast, but you should listen to "Zero" anyway. It contains Zero content, Zero jokes, and Zero funny bits. John gets some disappointing results from "Hot or Not", a bank heist leaves no viable suspects, and candy mogul Forrest Mars defends his legacy. This episode is a moving tribute to the loneliest number, the number who will never be odd or even, the number that destroys anything it multiplies with.
All aboard, mateys! The theme is "Hook", and we're taking the bait. James and John deliberate swapping identities, a sea shanty gets a little too rowdy, and the captain of the Titanic shows true leadership. Have a listen, and if you're not HOOKED, then we just don't know how to please you anymore.
I hope you didn't forget your jury summons, cause you got "Court" this week! James helps John navigate some legal trouble, a prosecution falls apart when it's too silly to argue against, and Colonel Mustard confronts Mr. Boddy with the revolver in the study. Get your affidavit in order, 'cause you're about to LAUGH-a-davit. I'm sorry, that was terrible. Please don't sue us.
Wowza, it's HOT this summer! What say we all cool down with a nice "Freeze" theme, huh? John and James say all sorts of unmentionable things about walruses, two new protesters try out their leafblowers, and a rapper from the 90's gets a fitting tribute. This episode may be cold, but your BRAIN is about to get MELTED.
Watch out -- this one gets messy. All order will be unraveled. The theme is "Disarray", and James and John struggle stay on one topic for even a minute. A mean coworker gets his comeuppance, a dangerous new roller coaster is unveiled, and the zapping gun gets musically busted out to right humanity's wrongs. Sponsored by Messy Bessy, the indoor pooping cow. Let the chaos engulf you, and have a listen to this week's episode!
It's the second Lazy Episode! You might as well call it Deleted-Scenes-a-Palooza, because it's chock full of scenes that didn't make the cut for regular episodes, but still deserve their day in the Palooza. No frills, folks: no theme, no Amazon whatever, no silly commercials, this is nothing but IMPROV SCENES. You better listen just to make sure we aren't bluffing.
The theme is Quadrant, and we've split the podcast into four different sections: the good part, the funny part, the awkward part, and the part where a live moose breaks through the window while John is recording and gores him with his antlers. We hope you love all four! John didn't. He's in the hospital now. In this episode, James and John discuss their upcoming journey to Mars and come up with a new brewery concept, a pair of grumpy grandparents rant about their family, and we sing a sexy song about the magic three words that we want to hear. After you listen, tell exactly three other people!
The theme is "Living", and you'll be LIVING for it! Man, the more you type that word the weirder it looks. Living. Living. Yeah, looks really weird now. Huh. James and John tackle some heavy hypothetical question about death and the existential threat of polar bears, a father figures out what to do with his daughter's dead cat, a reanimated monstrosity sings its woes, and an army of clones turns out to be somewhat underwhelming. If you want to feel more ALIVE than you ever have before, give us a listen!
This week's episode is "Telekinesis", and it will LITERALLY blow your mind, and no, we are not using LITERALLY correctly whatsoever, but it's not a grammar podcast, is it? John considers a career as a stripper, a young man submits his many superhero ideas to Marvel Comics in a heartbreaking song, and an alchemist successfully makes gold but quickly loses interest in it. If you need more reason to listen, we promise you will master the practice of telekinesis by the end of the episode. We're probably lying, but don't you want to find out?
This week's theme is "Pilot", and James and John buckle up for a lofty episode. John possibly commits a hijacking, Amelia Earhart meets some new friends after crashing her plane, a racist Nascar driver gets taken to task, and lots more. The engines are in full throttle for this one, so hop in the cockpit for a listen! Sponsored by INSANITY FUEL energy drink and the upcoming feature film THE 22ND PILOT, both of which definitely exist.
James and John ring in Episode 50 in a suitably ridiculous fashion with a power half-hour of nonsense. A city council meeting goes wild, a tourist looks to win big in Las Vegas, a high school bully is confronted, and James and John both give each other a trophy, which is funnier than it sounds. The theme is Winner, and if you miss it, you're a Loser. That's right, I said it. I'm going to get fired as the TWBC intern for writing that, but it's a sword I'll gladly fall on.
The theme is "Committee", and we had to wade through some red tape to make sure that we submitted this one by the inspection deadline. James and John pick a dream board of directors for the podcast, a lonely geek tries his hand at speed dating, a brave soul finally comes to the defense of a maligned former president, and we hear from our sponsors: Congress Simulator 2020 and Disposable Neckties. Listen to this episode quickly, before the bureaucrats make us take it down!
Ssh... we've had a slew of noise complaints recently, so this week's episode is "Whisper", and we'd really appreciate it if you kept it down, okay? This week, John and James tend to a slumber party gone wrong, aliens that only react to noise, a tragic story of young love in the library, and the whole time they stay quiet as mice. Have a listen with your volume turned all the way down for maximum effect.
It's our first "Lazy Episode", bringing you a compilation of choice material from the past, as well as improv scenes that were left on the cutting room floor. We peel away layers of our souls like a fine ripe onion to bring you hand-selected fragments of comedy. If that simile made you hungry for onions, this episode can't help you with that. But if you want to listen to some old improv stuff we did, here it is. I'm so sorry. It's my first day as the intern and I kind of oversold my writing skills in the interview. Please listen or I'll get fired and I really need this gig right now.
The theme is "determination", and we are going to see this through to the end! James and John weigh the ethical implications of flesh-eating Ewoks, a disgruntled employee endures a swarm of angry elderly customers, and a superhero hits the snooze button for just ten more minutes. Guest featuring: Connor Morehouse and Neema Worthington.
This week go WAY back in history to unpack the theme "Papyrus". With the highest body count of any episode yet, James and John navigate the brutal ancient world as they figure out how to build a pyramid. Meanwhile, an escape room turns into a bloody massacre and an Egyptian-Gods-Only party is ruined when Hephaestus decides to crash. Many interns died to bring you this episode. Special guest: Tim Burns.
Music credits:
Nervous by Kevin MacLeod
Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/4118-nervous
License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Gtasby by Jmazz
Link: https://www.looperman.com/loops/detail/215488/gtasby-130bpm-hip-hop-piano-loop
Gods you'll want to look up after you listen to the episode:
Hephaestus: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hephaestus
Cchinnamasta: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chhinnamasta
Sheela na Gig: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheela_na_gig
Baron Samedi: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baron_Samedi
The theme is "Heart", and it's all about love, loss, blood, and guts, or some combination of those four things. James and John discuss the darker side of Captain Planet, survive an audition room from hell, and review various anatomical stuffed toys from Amazon. Featuring special guest Charlotte Elfenbaum.
James and John get metaphorical as they tackle the meaning of life, send mechs into battle, and give a meaningful tribute to a particular deep-sea creature. Featuring special guest Lauren Oxner.
You're an innocent bystander for this week's MURDER of comedy -- wait, no, that makes it sound like it's not funny. Ah well, too late now, I already typed it. Okay, the theme is "witness" and you're gonna want to tune in for an intense session of Crossbow Court, two Amazon product reviews that spiral out of control, and a song about aliens and contractual obligations. WITNESS OUR BRILLIANCE. Ooh, that's good. Should have lead with that one.
This week on TWBC, John and James unpack the theme "Wedding" with a slew of marital-themed scenes, a revelatory interview with an "actual" wedding planner, and a song which tackles the question we've all been thinking: why can't I marry my dog? Say yes to this episode!
John and James go back in time for the episode theme "Medieval". We review the latest suit of armor, send a king to the executioner, and defend our castle from Matt Besser. Brought to you by our totally real sponsors, Winnifred's Bewitching Elixers and M'Lady's Garters.
Crossbows is back after 6 years off the airwaves - John and James reunite to reboot their long-distance improvised podcast.