Positive Adoption: Recent Episodes
The Whole House
Welcome to Positive Adoption where you can find adoption/foster care, and trauma-informed parenting - all in one place. I’m Kathleen Guire, your host, mother of seven, four through adoption, former National Parent of the Year, author, teacher, and speaker. But more important than any of those things, I’m a parent just like you. I know what it’s like to raise kiddos from hard places. I used to feel as if I was the only one struggling and because I felt that way, I isolated myself. I don’t want you to feel alone in your parenting journey, so grab a cup of coffee and join me for Positive Adoption, a coffee break podcast.
Natalie Vecchione is an FASD parent advocate, homeschooler, podcaster, but MOST importantly... a wife and mom! She shares what we need to know about FASD on this episode in a heartwarming and cheerful fashion. Grab a cup of coffee and join these lovely ladies and be sure to check out Natalie's podcast for more information.
Natalie Vecchione is an FASD parent advocate, homeschooler, podcaster, but MOST importantly... a wife and mom!
Natalie and her husband, John, adopted both our son and daughter via domestic adoption. They began homeschooling 7 years ago, when they noticed how many accommodations their son needed (who was later diagnosed with an FASD). Their son finally received an FASD diagnosis when he was 15, when he was also hospitalized for Bipolar Disorder...and it was one of the darkest times of her life as a mom. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen in a conversation with Natalie!
Sandra Flach, of the Orphans No More Podcast, joins me again this week for the Positive Adoption Podcast series on the book Five Things: A Tiny Handbook for Foster/Adoptive Families. We’re sharing the last episode in our series – Five Things You Can Do To Help Adoptive/Foster Families. If you are an adoptive/foster parent you may be struggling alone at home with a child's meltdowns, but when you are in public, the child is an angel. This week’s topic – don’t be fooled by a child’s superficially, engaging behavior.
Sandra Flach, of the Orphans No More Podcast, joins me again this week for the Positive Adoption Podcast series on the book Five Things: A Tiny Handbook for Foster/Adoptive Families. We’re sharing the third episode in our series – Five Things You Can Do To Help Adoptive/Foster Families. If you are an adoptive/foster parent. This week’s topic - Don’t judge the parents by the child’s behavior.
This is a great series to share with your friends, family, and church. It’s a more indirect way of sharing what's on your heart. Who knows? You may encourage someone just by sharing! Grab a cup of coffee and join Sandra and me for some tips and stories!
Sandra Flach, of the Orphans No More Podcast, joins me again this week for the Positive Adoption Podcast series on the book Five Things: A Tiny Handbook for Foster/Adoptive Families. We’re sharing the second episode in our series – Five Things You Can Do To Help Adoptive/Foster Families. If you are an adoptive/foster parent, this is a great series to share with your friends, family, and church. It's a more indirect way of asking for help. Who knows? You may help someone in need just by sharing! Grab a cup of coffee (and some tissues for this episode). Join Sandra and me for some tips and stories!
Sandra Flach, of the Orphans No More Podcast, joins me again this week for the Positive Adoption Podcast series on the book Five Things: A Tiny Handbook for Foster/Adoptive Families. We’re sharing the first episode in our series – Five Things You Can Do To Help Adoptive/Foster Families. If you are an adoptive/foster parent, this is a great series to share with your friends, family, and church. It's a more indirect way of asking for help. Who knows? You may help someone in need just by sharing! Grab a cup of coffee (and some tissues for this episode). Join Sandra and me for some tips and stories!
Sandra Flach, of the Orphans No More Podcast, joins me again this week for the Positive Adoption Podcast series on the book Five Things: A Tiny Handbook for Foster/Adoptive Families. We’re on the last episode in our series – Five Things Your Adopted/Foster Child Would Like To Tell You. It can seem as if our adopted/foster children repel our attempts at love and acceptance. We can fall into the trap of thinking our kiddos don't REALLY want to be loved. It's not true. It's our job as parents to learn a new dance of attachment. Is your acting like a porcupine and flexing his quills every time you try to love him? You're not alone! Grab a cup of coffee and join Sandra and I for some encouragement!
Sandra Flach, of the Orphans No More Podcast, joins me again this week for the Positive Adoption Podcast series on the book Five Things: A Tiny Handbook for Foster/Adoptive Families. We’re continuing our series – Five Things Your Adopted/Foster Child Would Like To Tell You. Codependency with our kiddos can keep us stuck in a chaotic cycle. Codependency can overwhelm us and make us feel as if we are drowning. If you feel as if you live there (I did), grab a cup of coffee and join us for some encouragement!
Sandra Flach, of the Orphans No More Podcast, joins me again this week for the Positive Adoption Podcast series on the book Five Things: A Tiny Handbook for Foster/Adoptive Families. We're continuing our series - Five Things Your Adopted/Foster Child Would Like To Tell You. Mom guilt is serious. It can overwhelm us and make us feel as if we have failed our kiddos. When we adopt/foster we can wear the guilt of what happened to our kiddos before they came to our home. The guilt is heavy and can sink us into a quagmire of codependency. If you feel as if you live there (I did), grab a cup of coffee and join us for some encouragement! Hop on over to thewholehouse.org and grab your free copy of Five Things.
Sandra Flach, of the Orphans No More Podcast, joins me again this week for the Positive Adoption Podcast series on the book Five Things: A Tiny Handbook for Foster/Adoptive Families. This week, we're doing an overview of "Five Things Your Adopted/Foster Child Would Like To Tell You," based on the second chapter of the book. Sandra and I share our successes, failures, and some insights we've gained along the way. Grab a cup of coffee and listen to the podcast. Don’t forget to get your copy of Five Things! You can grab your free copy here- https://dl.bookfunnel.com/7oxldztb8f
Sandra Flach, of the Orphans No More Podcast, joins me again this week for the Positive Adoption Podcast series on the book Five Things: A Tiny Handbook for Foster/Adoptive Families. In this episode, we discuss what poor behavior in your child may be trying to tell you. We can fall into the trap of thinking our kiddos are misbehaving just to make us mad. I know. I’ve lived in that trap. When we change our perspective and try to view behavior through another lens, things can change. Read on to find out how. Plus grab a cup of coffee and listen to the podcast. Don’t forget to get your copy of Five Things! You can grab your free copy here. *Trauma-Informed Parenting isn't live yet, but you can get your free gift on thewholehouse.org!
OUR CHILDREN MAY NOT BE EXCESSIVELY THANKFUL, IN FACT, QUITE THE OPPOSITE
Sandra Flach, of the Orphans No More Podcast, joins me again on the Positive Adoption Podcast to discuss why our kids who have experienced trauma are not excessively thankful. This is one of the topics in the book – Five Things: A Tiny Handbook for Foster/Adoptive Parents. Grab your free copy here. Grab a cup of coffee and join us for a lively discussion! *Note Trauma-Informed Parenting is not live yet! Thewholehouse.org is still active and full of resources/articles just for you!
Sandra Flach, of the Orphans No More Podcast, joins me again this week as we discuss another point in the book- Five Things: A Tiny Handbook for Foster/Adoptive Families. Grab your free copy here.
We adoptive parents have to parent differently than traditional parents. We may seem to the outsider over strict or overprotective.
In a traditional family, parents raising children who have not come from hard places set boundaries and give natural consequences. This is good. Adoptive parents must work harder on these boundaries and helping the child to attach to them. It may make them seem overprotective or strict. They’re not. They are working on attachment skills.
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen and Sandra as they talk through some science and experience. *Trauma-Informed Parenting is not live yet, so be sure to grab your copy of Five Things here - http://bit.ly/3beAl2T
Join me and my special guest, Sandra Flach, of Orphans No More Podcast as we talk through the book FIVE THINGS: A TINY HANDBOOK FOR ADOPTIVE/FOSTER FAMILIES. You can get a copy for free!
If you are an adoptive parent, this is for you.
If you are a friend of an adoptive parent, this is for you.
If you are thinking about adopting/fostering, this is for you.
If you want to know how to support adoptive/foster families, this is for you.
Today we talk about the first point in the book - Adoption is positive, but it takes effort.
Just a note - Trauma-Informed Parenting is not live yet, but you can still your copy here -http://bit.ly/3beAl2T or fill out the contact form on thewholehouse.org! Grab a copy of the book and a cup of coffee and join Sandra and me for this series!
WHAT ARE YOUR STRENGTHS?
We don’t often talk about our strengths. We usually speak only of our weaknesses. We pray about our weaknesses, rehash them with our inner critic, and complain about them to our friends. But what about our strengths? I dare you to start a conversation with a friend today and say, “I think my biggest strength is…” and see where it goes. So grab a cup of coffee and let's talk about our parenting strengths!
WHEN OUR INNER-CRITIC BOSSES US AROUND
Some of us have an inner-critic. It harasses us all day long with thoughts such as –
It’s your fault your kids act the way they do.
If you would only (fill in the blank) then your kids would behave.
If you were a better parent, everything would be better.
If you weren’t parenting from your past, your kids wouldn’t struggle.
You’ll never be a great parent.
If this is you, I get it. I have an inner critic and it tried to boss me around. The Bible says we are supposed to take every thought captive. When my inner-critic is sending out thoughts, I need a giant lasso to grab them all. It’s not one thought. It’s a barrage of them. So, how do we handle it? And here’s a note, if you think when your kids are grown, the inner-critic quiets down, think again. There are plenty of “If you had only…” thoughts. Grab a coffee and join me as I share two approaches to combat the inner-critic and how to combat Mom-Guilt!
Last week on the podcast, I asked – Do you think having obedient kids makes you a good parent? We must let go of the myth that perfect parents exist.
GOD’S FIRST CHILDREN DISOBEYED HIM
Does that make you feel better? It did me. When I first realized that God, the Father Himself, who is perfect, had disobedient kiddos, I breathed a sigh of relief. You can read the rest of the post and listen to the podcast here.
This week, I moved on to the next step –
HAVE A RECONCILIATION PLAN IN PLACE
Grab a cup of coffee and join me!
WHAT IS A GOOD PARENT?
Am I a good parent?
How do I measure my parenting?
Is it by how well my kids behave?
Whether they have the same opinions I do?
Succeed academically?
Obey me?
Are clean, put together, and cute?
Don’t talk back?
This list could go on for days, literally. This is something I’ve been thinking about since a friend’s post about what she used to think good parenting entailed, spurred my brain into action.
For the next six weeks, I’ll be talking about “What is a Good Parent?” on the Positive Adoption Podcast and picking apart some of these questions on my lives (Tuesday on Facebook), and in article form. If you would, take a few minutes and take the survey, I’d love to hear what you think! Also, feel free to leave a comment- What do you think defines good parenting?
Read more -https://bit.ly/2JIlz8K
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she begins the conversation with the question - Does having obedient kids make you a good parent?
The survey linked below-
https://forms.gle/zgAJR3q21T4FhW4A9
Are you thinking of becoming a foster parent?
Is fear stopping you?
Do you think foster care is too hard to step into?
Then this is for you (even if you are already fostering).
Kathleen interviews Rachel Eubank, a foster parent who blogs at Normalizing Foster Care. Rachel shares her family's connection to foster care, her story, and some great tips. Grab a cup of coffee and join these lovely ladies!
Is your child stuck in survival mode?
In this last in the series on the brain and fear, Kathleen delves into the difference between the upstairs and downstairs brain. She also offers some practical suggestions to implement. Grab a cup of coffee and join her and don’t forget to pick up your copy of How to Have Peace When Your Kids are in Chaos -https://amzn.to/35hsay3
Do you ever feel as if you are not enough?
That you can’t parent your child?
As if you're going to mess it all up?
You aren’t alone.
Many parents feel this way. We get stuck in the scarcity mentality. We believe the “bad report.” And just as our children who are stuck in survival mode, we get stuck there too.
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she shares about this topic and some encouragement for parents!
Is your child stuck in survival mode?
Is he hypervigilant and unable to feel safe?
Maybe his fear response is stuck on the on position. If so, you’ll want to listen to this week’s episode.
Last week we covered a bit about the fear response and how the brain works. This week, I touch on how the brain wires itself into a fear response. Kids who have experienced trauma have triggers. With patience and persistence we can help our kiddos figure out what theirs are and work on rewiring them into more healthy patterns. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen for some productive talk on fear!
“Imagine a constant flow of cortisol and adrenaline — as if you spend every second of every day being chased by a bear with its claws bared and its teeth dripping with blood. You might be jumpy, flighty, overreative, and unable to sleep, feeling neither hungry nor thirsty, unable to read any of your body’s signals.” If your child is stuck in survival mode, he may feel like the description above (from How to Have Peace When Your Kids are in Chaos). Maybe you are stuck in a fear cycle yourself. If any of this applies to you or your children, grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen for part one of “The Brain and Fear.”
*Here are the links to the books discussed -http://kathleenguire.com/ and https://amzn.to/33hXInY
Are you raising a child who has experienced trauma?
Or has a capital letter syndrome?
Are you checking the "What Your Child Should Know" lists often?
Do you feel as if your child is falling behind and don't know how to handle it?
Then this is for you. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she shares some of her experiences and some tips!
Are some chores wearing you out emotionally and physically?
Is it difficult to make even little decisions?
Are you feeling too stressed to function some days?
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she shares some tips for adults and kids alike and learning how to navigate decision fatigue and overwhelm during this season.
Do you ever feel as if you are doing everything wrong? Do you wonder if your kids are ever going to “get it?” Do you settle down and enjoy a particular part of the day?
In this week’s episode, Kathleen and Lori answer these questions-
1. When did you realize you were doing some things right in your homeschooling journey? 2. Share about a time when one of your kids got a concept and how he/she and you felt. 3. Share your favorite time of day and why. Grab a cup of coffee and join them!
We’re so enjoying Homeschooling 101. Today the ladies answer these questions: 1. When things get rough, how do you handle it? 2. When do you take a short break/long break? 3. How has homeschooling affected your spiritual journey? Grab a cup of coffee and join us!
Kathleen, Audrey, and Lori continue the homeschooling series this week with answering some questions from the group polls. Here are this week's questions based on some of the comments. 1. Do you do art/crafts or any other extra subjects? What do you do? 2. How do you encourage a kid who is struggling with a. reading b. math. 3.Should you push a preschooler to learn? Or any age for that matter? Grab a cup of coffee and join us!
Kathleen, Lori, Audrey, and Amerey continue the Homeschooling 101 Series. We’ve been so encouraged by the Moms in this group! So amazing! We answer these questions for the podcast this week: 1. How do you manage/organize your day? If you have a child who has a capital letter syndrome, what is it, and how does that change how your schooling? What's been your biggest "aha" moment in homeschooling? Grab a cup of coffee and join us!
Are you thinking about homeschooling your kiddos this school year?
Or maybe you just need some encouragement in the middle of your homeschooling journey.
We’ve got you covered. Join our group of experienced homeschool Moms for Homeschool 101 on the Positive Adoption Podcast.
There’s a lot of apprehension in the world today and more when you consider embarking on a new journey that’s totally outside your comfort zone. We get it. It’s a big decision and a lot to consider. Once you decide , it’s only the beginning.
Hopefully, we four women baring our souls and sharing our experiences will help you along the way. Grab a cup of coffee and join us!
Last week Kathleen shared part 2 of the topic- What do we believe about our kiddos? This week she continues the series. She picks up in the middle of the conversation - What are we teaching our kids by what we say to them or our actions? This week she adds some simple scripts you can use for reframing your beliefs. Grab a cup of coffee and join this recovering codependent Mom.
Last week Kathleen started the topic- What do we believe about our kiddos? This week she continues the series. She picks up in the middle of the conversation - What is one thing said to you as a child that you have carried into adulthood? What are we teaching our kids by what we say to them or our actions? Kiddos who have experienced trauma already come with their own set of beliefs. Neglect says, “You don’t exist.” Abuse says, “You don’t matter.” How are we helping them reframe their beliefs? How are we reframing our beliefs about them? Grab a cup of coffee and join this recovering codependent Mom.
Think back to your childhood-
What’s one thing you heard about yourself?
What’s one thing that was said to you?
What’s one implied belief, practice, or statement?
Now think about right now-
Which ones of those are you still living out?
What about our kiddos?
What are we telling them verbally or by our actions about them that will follow them into adulthood?
What do we believe about them on a daily basis?
Remember, we are mirrors for our children. They see themselves through our eyes.
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen, a recovering codependent Mom, as she introduces the topic - What do you believe about your kiddos?
Is your teen struggling with regulation?
Is he/she able to sort about his/her feelings on the current circumstances?
If you said, yes, this is for you!
The thought of giving some teens a blank journal and asking them to write their feelings, may leave you shaking your head and thinking, this lady doesn’t know MY teen. I get it. Some teens don’t like to write or talk about their feelings. But before you check out of this episode, hang on, at least listen to my suggestions and try them. Grab a cup of coffee and a journal an join Kathleen!
How are your kids coping during this difficult time? They may be feeling ambiguous loss and chronic stress. This can trigger cortisol levels and cause anxiety and suppress the immune system. We adults need some coping mechanisms during this difficult time and so do our kiddos. Journaling is a healthy way to process. So why not teach our kids. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she shares three tips on how to teach kids to cope through journaling.
It’s difficult to articulate what’s going on in the world as an adult. Imagine how difficult it is for kids. As tensions rise in our nation, it’s difficult to sort generalizations from truth. Our kids need the tools to cope just as much as we do, especially if they have experienced trauma. Grab a cup of coffee and join me as I ramble through some thoughts and points on helping your kids cope.
Right now we are living in a season when the simplest tasks can seem overwhelming. Going to the grocery stores isn’t the chore it used to be. Now it’s full of even more stress and tension. We don’t know if someone will bump into us, yell at us, or if we are crossing the aisle at the wrong time. As much as we tell ourselves, I will not let this bother me (raising my hand here), it does. It’s a palatable feeling in the air. The anxiety settles down on all of us collectively. As much as we feel it, our kiddos do too.
Our kiddos mirror us. If we feel stressed, they feel stressed.
If we feel overwhelmed, they feel overwhelmed.
If we feel anxious, our anxiety adds to their stress shaped brain and squeezes.
This is true for any kiddo, even more so for kiddos from hard places and who has a capital letter syndrome.
If we are feeling anxious and our kids are too, how do we stop the anxiety from growing?
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she shares four tips to stunt the growth of anxiety.
Is your child stuck in one of the mistaken goals?
Does he/she seek:
Constant attention?
Total Control?
Retaliation/Revenge?
Or is he/she giving up?
Wrapping up the series on mistaken goals, Kathleen shares an analogy to help us better understand our kiddos!
Grab a cup of coffee and join her!
Does your child give up easily on everything?
Does he/she act on the belief “I can’t” all the time?
This this is for you!
As foster and adoptive parents, we see the repercussions of abuse and neglect. We see a child’s mistaken beliefs about themselves — like “you don’t matter” or “you don’t exist” — being lived out on a daily basis.
If you didn’t believe you deserve to exist, would you be able to conquer fractions? Would you have the gumption to conquer anything?
So what can you do? Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she shares some tips and stories!
Does your kiddo seem to be stuck in pattern of revenge?
Does he/she seem bent on retaliation?
Does he/she blame everyone, especially you, for EVERYTHING?
Then this is for you!
Kids from hard places can displace anger from their past into their present. When they blame their foster or adoptive mom for what their bio mom did, it is usually a subconscious behavior. Over time, it becomes a rut that gets deeper and deeper until retaliation becomes the norm.
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she shares some tips on how to realign the mistaken goal of retaliation and revenge.
Does your kiddo try to control everything?
Does he/she seem to manipulate every event? Even celebratory ones? Like birthday parties? Picnics?
Then this is for you!
When a child has had no control over his life and no guarantee that he will be cared for, he will try to exercise control in any war he can. Even as an adult, I often fall into the trap of trying to control my circumstances, so it’s not surprising that kiddos from hard places do the same.
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she shares some tips on how to realign the mistaken goal of total control!
Do you feel as if your kiddo needs your attention constantly? You can address their goal of constant attention by setting aside a specific time to do whatever your child desires: playing LEGOs, painting, going outside, etc.
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she shares some tips about feeling your kiddo’s emotional tank and leave this mistaken goal behind for a few minutes!
Does your kiddo seem to have behaviors that don't make sense?
Does he/she leave you scratching your head when it comes to beliefs or goals?
Maybe your kiddo has mistaken goals.
When parenting a hurt child, we must consider the child’s mistaken goals and direct the child to new goals. (The four beliefs/goals below are adapted from Dreikurs’ Mistaken Goals, as covered in Children: The Challenge.)
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen for this intro to mistaken beliefs and goals!
Kathleen finishes up her series on "Instead Of" Tips with -Instead of Taking It Personally, Remember There Is a Need Behind the Behavior When we look at behaviors as needs, we are less likely to take them personally. For instance, when we remind ourselves that the child can’t regulate — not won’t regulate — we can set our personal feelings aside. When we set our personal feelings aside, we can take the reins and parent. It’s not us against them; we’re all on the same team. So before taking a behavior personally, ask yourself what the child needs. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen for this last tip!
When parenting a child from a hard place — i.e. one who has had trauma — it’s easy to get into a pattern of only noticing “bad” behaviors. Because the child already believes he is worthless or of little value, harping on the negative only solidifies his belief. Do you struggle with only noticing bad behaviors? Are you stuck in the "fix it" cycle?
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she shares some tips and stories!
Instead of isolating when a child is dysregulated, keep the child near you. Kathleen continues her series on “Instead of” Tips!
One of the popular parenting tools frequently used is time out. As the authors of The Connected Child explain, “These isolating strategies may be useful for biological children who are already connected and emotionally bonded to their families. But isolating and banishing strategies are extremely problematic for at-risk children because these kids are already disconnected from relationships, attachment-challenged, and mildly dissociative because of their early histories of neglect and abuse. Isolation is not therapeutic for them.”
Instead of isolating, keep the child near you so that you can co-regulate for them. Your presence as a calm center can help them become calm down more quickly. Grab a cup of coffee and your free printable resource - http://bit.ly/2LMcA52! Also, find the full article on “Instead of” Tips - http://bit.ly/2kSLOxi .
Instead of Expecting a Child to Know, Clarify Expectations Traditional parenting often relies on assumptions. We assume that the child should know how to behave in an environment or know what to expect. We say things like, “You should know better” or “Be quiet! This is a library,” as if that explains everything. Instead of assuming a child is intentionally “acting out” or “playing dumb” when they misbehave, take a moment to calmly clarify your expectations. Just like my kiddos didn’t recognize the implied rule that you should only get one book out at a time, your kids may not pick up on social cues or expectations that seem obvious to you. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen for some tips, personal stories, and practical suggestions.
Kathleen and guest Kristin Peters (adoptive parent) talk about the effects of trauma on brain development. High doses of early adverse childhood experiences affect brain development - social and emotional cognitive impairment, risks of addictions, chronic inflammation, impacted immune systems, autoimmune diseases,
The greater the number of traumatic events, the greater the damage.
There is hope.
It will take dedication, education and understanding.
Kids that come home to us through adoption/foster care have altered brain chemistry caused by stress.
The attachment cycle has been broken. Breaks in attachment cause a fear response. We need to work on felt safety.
Your past affects your present parenting.
Those are just a few of the topics in this information rich episode. Grab a cup of coffee and join these lovely ladies!
Instead of Just Correcting, Give Immediate Retraining and a “Re-Do” A re-do is simple. Remember when you missed five on your spelling test and your teacher had to write the ones you missed each five times? Or when you were in gym class and missed the basketball hoop on the first shot but kept trying until you made it? Or when you got married and were trying out your cooking skills for the first time and something didn’t taste just right, so you called Mom and with her help tried again? Those are all re-do’s. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen for some more info on this tip and some stories.
Moms, did you know you have superpowers? Maybe you don’t feel like it today. We understand! Here’s some good news - you have the superpower of influence. it is the woman— the wife and mother— who wields the power of influence. She is that quiet warrior behind closed doors who scrubs bacteria from toilets, tucks wiggly bodies into beds, makes peanut butter sandwiches and judges Lego building contests. Grab a cup of coffee and join us for one of our favorite reboots!
Instead of Giving Orders, Offer Simple Choices
When I was a young and naive parent, I thought I needed to have control all the time. There were no choices. My first child blew that theory out of the water. She was very much an “I can do it myself” child. If I didn’t offer her choices, she offered them to me. Turns out, giving kiddos choices is a powerful parenting tool, and a great skill for life! Grab a cup of coffee and grab your printable resource http://bit.ly/2LMcA52. Want to know more? Grab a copy of How to Have Peace When Your Kids are in Chaos https://amzn.to/2TbL8QI .
Instead of Waiting for Behavior to Intensify, Respond Quickly
We’ve all done it. We see the precursor to a meltdown or a potential fight brewing over a toy, but we wait. We wait because it isn’t that bad yet or hasn’t gotten violent. Next thing you know, the situation is out of control.
Sometimes it helps to stop and ask yourself: Why wait? Would you rather spend five minutes addressing the behavior and reconnecting now, or spend the next two hours living with the fallout? It’s a pretty simple choice in my mind. I’ve learned from experience how draining the two-hour or day-long fallout of a complete meltdown can be. As a result, I lean toward addressing an issue while it is a tiny seed instead of waiting until it grows into a giant oak tree.
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen on this coffee break podcast for some stories, science, and what to do instead of traditional parenting.
Why are memories so triggering?
Have you ever smelled something like cinnamon rolls baking, or coffee brewing, and it suddenly evokes a feeling from a past event? Maybe it’s Christmas morning because your Mom made cinnamon rolls and coffee every year. Or maybe the scent of a perfume sends you to a dark place because you were at Aunt Mary’s house the time you were molested and she wore that scent liberally. Why does this happen? Why doesn’t the past just stay in the past? Grab a cup of coffee (and your journal) as she unravels the truth with some science, tips, and personal experience. Interested in trying the free module of How to Have Peace When Your Kids are in Chaos? Here it is - http://bit.ly/2OeODEu
Instead of a Lecture, Use Simple Language Many of us grew up with the lecture approach to parenting. For every infraction, Mom or Dad had a carefully selected and time-tested sermon they could pull from a database in the recesses of their mind. “If your great aunt Mary knew that you turned on a show in the middle of the night, [insert stories of monsters, bible verses, sticks in the eye, etc.].” You get the picture. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she shares science, tips, and her own experience.
Why Traditional Parenting Doesn’t Work
When it comes to parenting kids who have had trauma, I struggle with imposter syndrome. I often ask myself, “How can I help other parents when I couldn’t do it perfectly or even well myself sometimes?”
We must let go of the myth that perfect parents exist. They don’t. And raising kids who have had trauma means a huge learning curve for us parents — especially if we have parented our bio children okayish with great results.
Join Kathleen for a coffee break explanation of why traditional parenting doesn’t work for kids who have experienced trauma.
Sometimes we adoptive/foster parents are doing all the right things and nothing is working. We learn the science of attachment. We jump through the steps we need to attach. We learn the effects of trauma. And we apply the science and it’s still not working. What do we do when nothing is working? She shares three tips (from experience) on how to handle this season of “nothing is working.” Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen on this coffee break podcast!
Jessica continues her series on a healthy relationship with self by tackling the issue of codependency and our kiddos. Many of us were raised in codependent families and continue the practice without being aware of what we are doing. We then pass those habits and ways of navigating our relationships to our kiddos. How do we stop the cycle? What about kiddos who have come home through adoption/foster care? How do we help them pursue healthy relationships? Grab a cup of coffee and join Jessica and Kathleen as they tackle this much-needed topic - sharing their experiences plus some tips they have learned along the way!
Are you experiencing post-holiday blues? It’s pretty normal. Think about how you feel. If you are feeling the blues and let down, can you imagine how much your kiddos are? Especially kids who have experienced trauma and have come home through adoption and foster care. They may not be able to process how are they feeling. In this episode, Kathleen shares some science and practical tips to help your kiddos through regression. Grab a cup of coffee and join her for a topic that is affecting us all right now.
If you’re a Mom, you know that you can love your child unconditionally and still not like some of their behaviors. As Moms, we carry an extra load of Mom-guilt. I’m not sure where we got it. Maybe we all picked it up at Target by mistake. It seems to be a universal item we carry on our shoulders. We feel bad when we’re mad. (I rhymed). Right?
Do you know who has an extra load of guilt? Foster parents. Adoptive parents. I’m not sure why. Maybe when we were signing all of those papers, we accidentally signed one for an extra bag of guilt with some fine print that said, I will always like this child no matter what he does. That’s just not realistic. In one day, I witnessed two foster Moms feeling guilty because they didn’t like their child that day. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen and listen as she shares what to do with the dislike.
In this episode of “Positive Adoption,” Kathleen finishes up the series on attachment styles in children. Today she talks about disorganized attachment. This is a great episode for the Christmas season, your adopted/foster child (or maybe we parents) may be regressing to a disorganized attachment style. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen this Christmas!
In this episode of Positive Adoption, Kathleen shares the the third attachment style in children - “Resistant/Ambivalent — The child develops a “stay near mom” strategy. These children use negative emotions to gain attention. They exhibit angry, resistant behavior toward the caregiver and exaggerated fearfulness. They tend to suppress their feelings and expect caregivers to be inconsistently available. These children expect parents to be preoccupied.” Grab a cup of coffee and join her as she shares some personal stories as well as some science
In this episode of Positive Adoption, Kathleen continues the series on attachment with “Avoidant.” Avoidant — The child has trouble seeking care. Infants with this attachment style communicate with their mothers only when they are feeling well. These children exhibit self-soothing behaviors and tend to mask negative emotions. They are often perfectionists. You can find more info in her book, How to Have Peace When Your Kids are in Chaos here. Make sure you grab your attachment graphic on the printable resource page on thewholehouse.org. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen!
In this episode of Positive Adoption, Kathleen continues the series on attachment with “Secure Attachment.” Secure — The child feels confident that the attachment figure will be available to meet their needs. They use the attachment figure as a safe base to explore the environment and seek the attachment figure in times of distress. She delves into how if the attachment style it can be “earned” and how that works. You can find more info in her book, How to Have Peace When Your Kids are in Chaos here. Make sure you grab your attachment graphic on the printable resource page on thewholehouse.org. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen!
When a child moves into a new placement, he will use the attachment style he already knows. This is why it is important to understand attachment styles. We parents spend money and time trying to fix behaviors (guilty). We pour over books about learning styles and love languages, and all of this information is beneficial, but we are left scratching our heads when it comes to attachment. It seems as if it should be seamless and natural, yet it is the hardest thing we parents will ever do. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she shares about attachment parenting!
Are you raising a child who has had trauma or has a capital letter syndrome?
Days can be long and tough. We know. How do you practice gratefulness during this season? Join Jerry and Kathleen as they tackle practicing gratefulness when raising kids from hard places (and with capital letter syndromes). They’ve lived it and have some great stories to share. Grab a cup of coffee and join this dynamic duo!
The attachment cycle is as simple as it is profound. The infant expresses a need, the parent meets the need. This happens thousands of times and the child becomes attached, secure in the expectation he will be cared for. Kids who come to us through adoption/foster care often have had breaks in attachment. Join Kathleen as she shares what this looks like in this episode of Positive Adoption. Grab a cup of coffee and be sure to share this episode!
In this episode of Positive Adoption, Kathleen continues the series on the Five Bs affected by trauma with "Behavior." Behavior — an altered ability to self-regulate in response to stressors. This can manifest as impulsiveness, self destructive behavior, aggressive behavior, excessive compliance, sleep disturbances, eating disorders, substance abuse, re-enactment of their traumatic past, or pathological self soothing behaviors.
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she finishes this series!
In this episode of Positive Adoption, Kathleen continues the series on the Five Bs affected by trauma with "Beliefs." Children from hard places have altered belief systems or the lens through which they see the world. Grab a cup of coffee and your thinking cap as she discusses beliefs and leads you through an exercise to help you understand where your kiddo is coming from.
Are you an empty nester?
Are you struggling with navigating the new waters of your children adulting?
Are your teens transitioning into the adult world?
Need some encouragement during these transitions and want to maintain a healthy relationship with your adult kids?
Then this episode is for you!
Join Kathleen and hubby Jerry as they share some tips, stories, mistakes, and some encouragement for those of you who think it’s too late. Spoiler alert. It’s not too late. Grab a cup of coffee and join this dynamic duo!
Did your child have trauma in his life before he/she came "home" to you?
Science says there are five Bs affected by trauma, and we cannot overlook them. In kids from hard places, behavioral disorders are a symptom of the effect trauma has had on their development.
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen episode of Positive Adoption as she shares about the Body in this episode and how it is affected by trauma.
Trauma is much more far reaching than we assumed in the past. We have always been told that children are resilient and they are, but there are effects that trauma leaves behind. It affects every area of life for a child.
One of the areas affected is Biology.
Biology — altered neurochemistry. Complex trauma can cause a variety of issues: sensorimotor development problems, hypersensitivity to physical contact, somatization, increased medical problems, and problems with coordination and balance. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she talks about how trauma affects a kiddos biology.
Do you have a teen with a capital letter syndrome?
SPD? ADD? ADHD? FAS? FAE? Or a teen on the spectrum? Then this episode is for you! In celebration of SPD month, Lori and Kathleen recorded this episode that applies to all the capital letter syndromes. Grab a cup of coffee and join them as they tell some personal stories and some tips that have helped their teens!
Did your child have trauma in his life before he/she came "home" to you?
Science says there are five Bs affected by trauma, and we cannot overlook them. In kids from hard places, behavioral disorders are a symptom of the effect trauma has had on their development.
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen episode of Positive Adoption as she shares about the Brain in this episode and how it is affected by trauma.
Do you often feel frustrated in your parenting?
Do you have triggers that are getting in the way of peace in your home?
Have you ever thought about how your past is affecting your parenting?
Then this episode is for you.
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she shares some of her story and insights on frustrations/triggers in the adoption/foster care journey.
Where did adoption come from? Was it man's response to a problem? Or was it God's idea? Is adoption into God’s kingdom just theology? What does it have to do with reality? Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen on this new mini podcast, "Positive Adoption" as she talks about the origins of adoption.
Special guest, Sandra Flach of “Orphans No More” Podcast joins Kathleen in this episode. A few months ago, Kathleen wrote an article titled “What If We Treated Foster/Adoptive Parents as Missionaries?” She got lots of flack from non-Christians (which is understandable, to an extent), but she was shocked to also get some negative comments from Christians. So she started asking adoptive/foster parents what they thought about the subject. Then she took it a step further and created a survey that asked all the questions she was curious about. Kathleen shared it her my adoption/foster care support group, and several friends did the same. In this episode, Sandra and Kathleen share some of the results from the survey. Sandra adds her two cents garned from hundreds of interviews with adoptive/foster/adoptees. You can read a whole chapter about this topic in Kathleen’s upcoming book How to Have Peace When Your Kids are in Chaos for Adoptive/Foster Parents.
We must let go of the myth that perfect parents exist. They don’t. And raising kids who have had trauma means a huge learning curve for us parents — especially if we have parented our bio children okayish with great results.
Traditional parenting is for securely attached children — kids who want to please.
Traditional parenting tends to swoop in and fix the immediate problematic behavior.
We have to change our parenting and accept the fact that it will be different with these kiddos. Lori and Kathleen share some “instead of” parenting suggestions, the IDEAL approach, and some other tips! If you have a kid with a capital letter syndrome — this is for you too! Grab a cup of coffee and join these lovely ladies!
Have you stepped into the foster/adoption arena and feel as if you have entered a war zone? Do you feel as if are in the midst of a Job syndrome? You’re doing all the right things but everything is going wrong? Is this spiritual warfare? Join Kathleen and Kristin as they delve into this difficult topic. Kathleen shares some from chapter on the Job syndrome in her upcoming book — How to Have Peace when Your Kids are in Chaos for Foster/Adoptive Parents (coming in September). This quote C.S. Lewis’s The Horse and His Boy is a great summation of the discussion. “Shasta's heart fainted at these words for he felt he had no strength left. And he writhed inside at what seemed the cruelty and unfairness of the demand. He had not yet learned that if you do one good deed your reward usually is to be set to do another and harder and better one.” Do you see yourself in that statement? Grab a cup of coffee and join these lovely ladies!
Have you brought a child home through foster care or adoption? Or are you just beginning the foster/adopt journey and want to make sure kiddos feel welcome in your home? Then this episode is for you!
Continuing our theme of “home” for the month of June - Kathleen and Kristin share ten tips on how your adopted/foster kiddos can feel welcome in your home. The Whole House Adoption/Foster Care support group added their two cents as well and those suggestions were read on air as well! Grab a cup of coffee and join these lovely ladies!
Have ever helped someone through the door who has a crutch? Or made provisions for a child in a wheelchair? What about kiddos who have a capital letter syndrome such as SPD, FAS, ADD, ADHD,or who are on the spectrum. When you see these kiddos who don't have the ability to self-regulate, do you make accomodations for them? Or do you silently judge them for misbehaving or think their parent need to step up their game. Maybe you have a kiddo with a capital letter syndrome and you just wish people could treat him/her like a human. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen and Lori for this special episode - Kids with Captial Letter Syndromes are people too!
Adopted/Foster kiddos aren’t valuable because of what we’ve done for them or even despite what they’ve been through. They’ve valuable. Period. No qualifiers.
They aren’t broken. They don’t need to be fixed. They need to be loved, like any child. They need to be guided, disciplined, protected, and provided for like any other child.
Their needs and feelings are just as important and valid as an adult’s. Now. Even as kids. Little voices aren’t any less important, and their feelings aren’t any less real. Our de-humanizing is subconscious. How do we fight this tendency? We talk about it. Replace it with the truth. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kristin Peters and Kathleen as they hash it out.
Ever wonder what adoption is really like? Do you want to know what adoptive Moms think about adoption? Join Kathleen and special guest Kylie Gray, adoptive mother of three, as they share stories, thoughts and a few moments they wanted to give up. Grab a cup of coffee and join these lovely ladies!
Kathleen and guest Kristin Peters (adoptive parent) talk about the effects of trauma on brain development. High doses of early adverse childhood experiences affect brain development - social and emotional cognitive impairment, risks of addictions, chronic inflammation, impacted immune systems, autoimmune diseases,
The greater the number of traumatic events, the greater the damage.
There is hope.
It will take dedication, education and understanding.
Kids that come home to us through adoption/foster care have altered brain chemistry caused by stress.
The attachment cycle has been broken. Breaks in attachment cause a fear response. We need to work on felt safety.
Your past affects your present parenting.
Those are just a few of the topics in this information rich episode. Grab a cup of coffee and join these lovely ladies!
Amerey and Kathleen share about Capital Letter Syndromes and Adoption/Foster Care. We’re continuing our theme of Capital Letter Syndromes in recognition of SPD month. With kids from hard places, it can be difficult to diagnose Capital Letter Syndromes. Attachment issues and institutional issues can often muddy the waters. If this sounds like your child, you are not alone. Grab a cup of coffee and join these ladies as they share some encouraging information and stories about getting a diagnosis.
Lori and Kathleen share about the ups and downs of getting a diagnosis for you child. Capital letter syndromes- FAS, ADD, ADHD, SPD, Asperger’s and the list goes on are difficult to to navigate, especially if you don’t have a diagnosis. With that said, a diagnosis is not a label to slap on a tee shirt, but a tool to use to help your child succeed in life. Join these ladies as they share their experiences, stories and a few laughs along the way.
Homeschooling is an arduous and rewarding option. When you adopt kiddos from hard places, there are many benefits to choosing homeschooling. In this episode of the podcast, Kathleen and her husband Jerry talk about the benefits and challenges of homeschooling adopted children. Some are intertwined, you must face the challenge to reap the reward.
Episode 8: Kathleen and Lori talk about the six risk factors that create a child from a hard place. We sure don't love the past trauma or the behaviors it can cause in our foster/adoptive kids, but we can learn more about it and how to help everyone work through it. Learn with us!
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