The Reconnection Club Podcast: Recent Episodes
Tina Gilbertson
Helping parents heal from estrangement with their adult sons and daughters. Hosted by psychotherapist Tina Gilbertson, author of "Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child."
In this thought-provoking third episode of a 4-part series on validation, Tina Gilbertson takes listeners deeper into the heart of the topic. She makes a compelling case for why self-validation isn’t just helpful, it’s essential. Without it, our attempts to validate others, especially estranged adult children, can fall flat or even backfire.
Tina shares a powerful (and somewhat unsettling) example that highlights just how tricky it can be to validate someone’s emotions when you’re the one they’re upset with. What do you do when you don’t agree with their version of you? How do you stay grounded in your own truth while still offering genuine empathy?
You’ll come away from this episode with a clearer, more nuanced understanding of validation, and why it often starts with giving yourself what you may never have received from others.
For much more on relationships between parents and adult children, including what goes wrong and how parents can respond effectively, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
EPISODE LINKS:
Part 1. Validation (Or Lack Thereof) (Ep 198)
Part 2. Validation: What, Why, How and When (Ep 199)
Getting along with in-laws is an age-old tradition, but also a challenge for many. When your adult child appears to be estranged because their partner doesn’t like you, it can feel like a hurtful and impossible situation.
The partner may seem like a cruel and powerful gatekeeper, standing between you and your child and grandchild(ren). Resentment soon follows. And things go downhill from there.
Although this may not be an easy problem to solve, you’ll want to make sure you’ve truly done everything you can to make repairs from your end.
This episode is for every unwillingly estranged parent who’s tried in vain to win over an adult child’s partner. You’ll learn five separate (and possibly overlapping) reasons why the partner doesn’t seem to like you and, more importantly, what you can do about it.
For more information on why adult children become estranged (or “go no-contact”) and what parents can do about it, read Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child by Tina Gilbertson.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
EPISODE RESOURCES:
Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 131: Preparing for Family Therapy
When you have an estranged adult child who's gone no-contact, it's impossible not to think about change.
Something needs to change if your adult child's estrangement is to end. But making changes isn't easy. Especially if you're not sure what to change, or how, or why.
In this episode, Tina shares her personal experience of an unexpected change that happened in her life. She talks about how change can happen when you least expect it, and how profound developments can appear without effort through simple, non-judgmental curiosity.
This is an episode for everyone interested in, or struggling with, making positive changes.
For much more information on resolving parent-adult child estrangement, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
"We see the world not as it is, but as we are."
In this episode, Tina invites parents unwillingly estranged from their adult children to take a step back and consider their beliefs about themselves, others, and the world.
She compares our individual worldview to a pair of glasses, with lenses of a particular color. We can't help but perceive the world in a limiting way as long as it reaches us through a fixed filter.
The central idea in this episode is that even if your adult child's estrangement is an objective fact, the meaning of it, and your response to it, will mirror your habitual feelings, beliefs and expectations.
This is a contemplative episode. Listen when you have time and energy for reflection.
For information on why adult children become estranged and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
EPISODE LINKS:
RCP Ep. 160: Emotional Reasoning
Find all episodes at reconnectionclub.com/podcast.
If you’ve received a letter from your estranged adult child, this week’s episode of the Reconnection Club Podcast, along with the one preceding it (Episode 177), is a must-listen. Because however hopeless, hurt or angry you might feel when you read it, it could actually contain the blueprint for future reconciliation and peace.
Many parents fail to decode the message that’s usually there between the lines – the one about what went wrong in the relationship, and how to help heal it.
That’s more valuable than any other information the parent could obtain about how to end estrangement. And yet most parents overlook it at first.
Before responding to a letter from your estranged adult child, use this two-part episode to process what they wrote. Be sure to start with Part 1!
Remember there’s no need to rush a reply; points are not given for quick responses, only effective ones. Set a boundary around your own process, and take the time you need.
For plenty of ideas on how to repair troubled relationships with adult children, read Tina’s book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
EPISODE SERIES RESOURCES:
Criticism As a Form of Connection Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them RC Podcast Episode 139: Emotions of Estrangement (Part 1) RC Podcast Episode 140: Emotions of Estrangement (Part 2) Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 168: Emotional Pain: A Field Guide
If you’ve received a letter from your estranged adult child, this week’s episode of the Reconnection Club Podcast is a must-listen. Because however hopeless, hurt or angry you might feel when you read it, it could actually contain the blueprint for future reconciliation and peace.
Many parents fail to decode the message that’s usually there between the lines – the one about what went wrong in the relationship, and how to help heal it.
That’s more valuable than any other information the parent could obtain about how to end estrangement. And yet most parents overlook it at first.
Before responding to a letter from your estranged adult child, use this two-part episode to process what they wrote.
There’s no need to rush a reply; points are not given for quick responses, only effective ones. Set a boundary around your own process, and take the time you need.
For lots of ideas on how to repair troubled relationships with adult children, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
EPISODE RESOURCES:
Criticism As a Form of Connection Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them RC Podcast Episode 139: Emotions of Estrangement (Part 1) RC Podcast Episode 140: Emotions of Estrangement (Part 2) Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 168: Emotional Pain: A Field Guide
TRANSCRIPT:
These are uncertain times for those of us who create and freely share content via the Internet.
I mentioned on the podcast earlier this year that I needed some time to assess the impact of all the changes happening in the world of digital information, including the widespread, unregulated use of AI.
At that time, I removed the show from a couple of the larger platforms, and stopped releasing new episodes to those platforms. Unfortunately, many smaller platforms were also affected. And that’s made it a lot harder for the show to be found by new listeners, which is a dilemma I’m still wrestling with.
Because it’s become clear that even more changes are necessary to protect the integrity of this podcast, even while making sure that you, the listener, can still access it.
So here’s the current plan.
Starting with Episode 177, which will be released on July 29th, 2024, new episodes will appear in more places, but with certain exceptions, they will expire when the next episode is released.
And beginning immediately, I’m going to start expiring some of the older episodes – again, with certain exceptions.
Namely, the following:
-
If you’re used to listening to the videos on our YouTube channel, or ...
-
If you listen on the Reconnection Club website...
Nothing will change for you.
There will be no expiration and you can disregard this entire announcement. (Again, that is if you listen on either our YouTube channel, or our website.)
However, if you use a podcast player app like iHeartRadio or Pocket Casts, then new episodes starting with 177 will typically be available for only two weeks, and then they will expire.
There are ways to get around that two-week time limit. Within those first two weeks, you should still be able to download episodes and keep them for however long you want, depending on the app. Please check on that directly with your app. I don’t have that information.
But if you ever lose an episode or can’t find one that you’re looking for, remember you can always find every single episode, old and new, on the Reconnection Club website, at reconnectionclub.com/podcast, or by episode number, for example, "reconnectionclub.com/130" for Episode 130. Or, subscribe to our YouTube channel for free and listen there.
I know that episode expiration will not be a welcome change, and I thank you for your understanding and patience as I try to strike a balance between limiting unauthorized access by AI, and preserving your access to the podcast as a listener.
I also thank you for sharing the Reconnection Club Podcast with other parents experiencing unwanted estrangement from their adult children.
Thank you for your continued support in these challenging times.
There are many more episodes to come! To find ALL episodes of the Reconnection Club Podcast, go to Reconnectionclub.com/podcast.
Some parents of estranged adult children beat themselves up for parenting “mistakes” they couldn’t possibly have avoided. Others blame their children for being difficult, ungrateful or too sensitive.
What’s missing from these simplistic assignments of blame for estrangement? Context.
According to Tina, context is very often overlooked to the detriment of both parents and children. In this episode, she gives three specific examples of context that many parents fail to fully appreciate.
You may be inspired to examine the context of your own situation as you listen, and to consider its impact on feelings and behavior. Doing so can help you find peace and stop blaming yourself.
For much more on how to understand estrangement by adult children and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Some parents experiencing estrangement from their adult children have known estrangement before. Not necessarily from other people, but within themselves.
Self-alienation is a kind of internal estrangement that has become almost normal in our culture. With so much information available and so much to do, we're not always fully present. We lose touch with ourselves over time, often without realizing it.
In this actionable episode, Tina lists possible signs of self-alienation, along with specific practices to combat it.
Where there’s disconnect inside in the form of self-alienation, it’s very hard to repair disconnected relationships on the outside. Use the material in this episode to start building a foundation for a close and connected relationship with your adult child or children.
For information on why adult children become estranged and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
EPISODE LINKS:
Reconnection Club Podcast Episode 97: Road Map to Reconnection
Feldenkrais
Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them
Estrangement from family, like everything else, takes place against the psychological backdrop of human development.
Far from ending in adulthood, development continues throughout the lifespan, and offers hope for change in any given week, month or year of our lives.
In this interesting episode, Tina takes listeners on a brief tour of the concept of lines of development (see links below for more).
She points out that just because someone is intellectually gifted, that doesn’t mean they’re emotionally mature or socially aware. And vice versa: We don’t have to be intellectual giants to be emotionally aware or socially sensitive.
Lines of development, along with the related theory of multiple intelligences, encourages us to remember ourselves and others as complex human beings. We're not either mature or immature, intelligent or unintelligent. Rather, we fall along a continuum of progress in each area.
For more tips on how to think about an estrangement by your adult child(ren), and what to do to solve the problem, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
EPISODE LINKS:
Ken Wilber Fundamentals: Developmental Lines Explained
About Integral Theory
Gardner's Theory of Multiple Intelligences
If your adult child is not responding to texts, emails or any attempts at contact, at some point you might begin to worry about the time that’s passing during estrangement. This could happen for a couple of reasons…
One frightening thought is that the longer adult child(ren) are estranged, the harder it will be to reconnect. That’s an understandable fear, but it’s not necessarily true. Worse, it often leads to parents trying to force reconnection prematurely (i.e., before they understand why it happened in the first place).
The other acute concern regarding time is the loss of opportunities to be together during holidays and other special times. That fear of losing precious time together is the subject of this episode.
Tina offers two big ideas to help parents gain a different perspective on the problem. She advises listeners to remember that things are not always as they seem; a perceived loss is not always an actual one.
Also, losing time during estrangement can be prevented by spending time consciously. Your relationship with your adult child(ren) may be on hiatus, but your actual life doesn’t need to have gaps.
For more on coping with an unwanted estrangement from your adult child(ren), read Tina’s book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
In this special two-part episode of the podcast, Tina reads a letter she received from an estranged adult child whose estrangement story began with childhood enmeshment.
You’ll learn about enmeshment’s impacts on children, and why those impacts are sometimes invisible to even loving, conscientious parents.
Listeners may gain clarity about their own situations through understanding that estrangement is not necessarily a failure of forgiveness. Estranged adult children are not necessarily stuck in the past or holding a grudge.
The message of hope is that even though the past can’t be changed, the future of your relationship depends on what you do today in order to heal, learn and grow.
Tina wants to acknowledge and thank the person whose letter made this informative special episode possible: May you and your mother be happy, peaceful, and joyfully connected.
For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can log in and discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
EPISODE LINKS:
Personal Healing: More Than a Detour for Rejected Parents
On this special two-part episode of the podcast, Tina reads a letter she received from an estranged adult child whose estrangement story began with childhood enmeshment.
You’ll learn about enmeshment’s impacts on children, and why those impacts are sometimes invisible to even loving, conscientious parents.
Listeners may gain clarity about their own situations through understanding that estrangement is not necessarily a failure of forgiveness. Estranged adult children are not necessarily stuck in the past or holding a grudge.
The message of hope is that even though the past can’t be changed, the future of your relationship depends on what you do today in order to heal, learn and grow.
Tina wants to acknowledge and thank the person whose letter made this informative special episode possible: May you and your mother be happy, peaceful, and joyfully connected.
Links about enmeshment:
GoodTherapy article on enmeshment
The Enmeshed Family: What It Is and How to “Unmesh”
Signs of Parent Enmeshment Checklist by Patricia Love
Parentification interview with Steve Berman, LCSW (members only)
RC Podcast episodes mentioned:
147: When to Stop Trying to Reconnect
95: The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent
125: The GOOD Parent’s Biggest Blind Spot (See also Part 2)
46 You Can’t Change the Past (But It Doesn’t Matter)
Members can log in and discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child
Parents of estranged adult children often carry unhealed emotional wounds from long ago. The pain of those wounds can be reactivated when adult children become estranged, especially if original injuries involved separation, loss, rejection or abandonment.
For those parents, the injury of unwanted estrangement brings back the pain of old trauma (with or without a capital T) that never had the chance to resolve. Now they must at least cope with the fallout, if not resume the healing, of those earlier hurts.
In this episode, Tina outlines five differences between the process of healing and the practice of coping. And while both coping and healing are necessary and important, she urges listeners not to mistake good coping skills for the permanent gains of actual healing.
If you’re aware of deep feelings of emptiness, sadness, or anger, and you sense they were there even before your adult child’s estrangement, consider working with a local counselor or therapist. Here are a few directories where you can search for a licensed mental health professional by zip or postal code:
https://traumatherapistnetwork.com/
https://www.psychologytoday.com
https://www.goodtherapy.org/
Other resources mentioned in this episode:
Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them
RCP Episodes 125 and 126: The GOOD Parent’s Biggest Blind Spot
Many parents exhaust themselves trying in vain to reconnect with their estranged adult child or children.
While some keep struggling to come up with new things to try, others succumb to despair and begin to believe the situation is hopeless.
In both cases, the question may arise: When is the right time to stop trying?
This is one of the saddest questions for unwillingly estranged parents. But whether it arises from despair or sheer exhaustion, the question deserves an answer.
In this episode, Tina offers a sensible response to parents who are wondering whether it’s time to give up.
Even if you’re in the unenviable position of being unwilling estranged, and all out of ideas, you’ll find the words in this episode to be as uplifting as they are informative.
For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
EPISODE LINKS:
Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child on Amazon
Episodes 97 through 99 are right here in your podcast player app (RC members, log in and go to our Road Map page)
Reconnection Club resource library (you must be logged in to access)
Breathe through your nose if you can.
Make your exhale longer than your inhale.
Slow down and deepen your breathing.
All of those are simple, accessible ways to calm an upset nervous system.
Controlled breathing is one of the oldest and most effective methods to combat stress over time. For parents unwillingly estranged from adult children and grandchildren, breathing can be a lifeline.
In this inspiring (pun intended) episode, Tina shares excerpts from her conversation with Nick Heath, founder of the Breath Is Life Learning Center.
Reconnection Club members will find the entire interview, along with the transcript, in our online library. Log in and go to Expert Interviews.
For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Many parents of estranged adult children know the pain of a broken heart. But for some, Broken Heart Syndrome becomes a medical crisis.
Also known as Takotsubo Syndrome or stress cardiomyopathy, Broken Heart Syndrome mimics the experience of a heart attack. But rather than being caused by blocked arteries, it’s caused by a stress-induced temporary abnormality that usually resolves itself.
Still, Broken Heart Syndrome can lead to life-threatening complications. If you have chest pain or shortness of breath, or suspect you may be having heart problems, seek medical help immediately.
This episode doesn't constitute or contain medical advice.
Instead, Tina offers specific research-supported tips to help you try to reduce the risk of developing Broken Heart Syndrome and other stress-related health problems, over time.
You can’t end your adult child's estrangement at will. But you can make personal decisions every day that protect, rather than jeopardize, your health -- even during an unwanted and emotionally stressful estrangement.
For concrete ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
RESOURCES:
Takotsubo syndrome
Experiential avoidance
Constructive Wallowing
Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker
It may feel wrong to use words like “strategy” and “tactics” when talking about personal relationships. But healing from family estrangement, especially for parents unwillingly estranged from their adult children, often requires strategic thinking.
Tina points out that “strategy” is simply a word for having a plan. Tactics are the “how” of any strategy, including a strategy to reconnect with adult children.
In this clarifying episode, Tina lays out in broad strokes an overarching strategy that almost all parents can use to end estrangement and successfully reconnect with adult children in a way that favors sustainable, mutual benefit.
She also identifies tactics that typically fail, and other common pitfalls -- along with how to avoid them, of course.
If your adult child isn’t talking to you, this episode will help you prepare to meet this painful challenge strategically, rather than impulsively.
For more ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
EPISODE LINKS:
Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them
Some parents of estranged adult children may already be familiar with the serenity prayer, popularized by AA and other 12-step groups:
"God, grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."
Knowing when to take action and when to stand down is helpful in gently moving an unwanted estrangement in the direction of healing. But that knowledge is elusive for most parents.
We all have innate wisdom. However, estrangement from one’s own adult child(ren) is highly stressful; circumstances like these can affect your ability to access your wisdom, let alone allow it to guide you.
In this contemplative episode, Tina lists five different practices to follow, to cultivate your highest wisdom during estrangement from your adult child(ren)… And even find moments of peace.
For information on what causes estrangement, and ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
RESOURCES:
RC Podcast 92: Lead By Example
Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them
Therapist directories:
Traumatherapistnetwork.com
Psychologytoday.com
Goodtherapy.org
As soon as they realize their adult child or children are estranged, most parents will try to reestablish a connection as quickly as possible.
And while it’s only natural to do so, racing to reconnect can lead to wasted time and energy — and sadly, needless extra suffering.
In this short but vital episode, Tina explains why the process of genuine reconnection is more like an egg-and-spoon race than an all-out dash to the finish line.
Estrangements can and do end spontaneously. But if you want your reconciliation with your adult child to withstand the test of time, then adopting an egg-and-spoon mindset is one way to serve that purpose.
For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina’s book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
RESOURCES:
RCP Ep. 95: The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent RCP Ep. 111: “Why do I have to heal first?” RCP Ep. 97-99: Road Map to Reconnection Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child
If your adult child has stepped away from your relationship by deciding to become estranged, then in general, it's not a good idea to make requests of him or her.
Instead, it may be best to view this time of estrangement as a request from your child, that you examine your relationship and try to understand their decision. That's often the beginning of reconnection.
The "Go for a No" technique descried in this episode is not a substitute for honoring a no-contact request. It should be used sparingly, if at all.
Warning: The technique may be interpreted as manipulative, and could make things worse between you. The more you're trying to "get away with" something by using it, the more likely that is.
However, in trying their best to respect them, there are times when parents genuinely need to ask where the boundaries are.
One example is gifts for grandchildren. If you've always given gifts to your grandchild(ren) for birthdays, and you're now estranged from their parents, what are the rules for gift-giving? Have they changed, or are they the same?
It's in circumstances like these that you may use Tina's "Go for a No" technique. Try to use it only when reasonably sure that what you're proposing IS acceptable.
The general rule, "When in doubt, leave it out," applies to "Go for a No." Meaning, if using it feels questionable for any reason, avoid it.
For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
RESOURCES:
What Does a No-Contact Request Sound Like?
The pain of estrangement from an adult child or children is, for many parents, excruciating. Some describe it as the worst they’ve ever felt. It’s overwhelming, and feels unending.
But to say that you’re in pain is not the full story. It’s just a disturbing headline with no further information. To deal with pain, we must know its name.
What is your pain?
Is it sadness? Grief? Dread?
Is it resentment? Anger? Regret?
Any and every emotion you might experience during estrangement is normal. In this important 2-part episode (Here's Part 1), Tina talks about the feelings above, as well as others, and what to do with them.
Rack up EQ points listening to this miniseries released in honor of American Heart Month.
IMPORTANT: Trauma is not an emotion. Trauma is best addressed in the safety of a professional relationship with a qualified trauma therapist.
For information on what causes estrangement, and ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
RESOURCES:
Episode 95: The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent
Episode 35: Why Rejected Parents Act Impulsively (And How Not To)
The Biology of Connection
Feeling Abandoned/Rejected By an Estranged Adult Child
Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them
Feeling Powerless in the Face of Estrangement
The pain of estrangement from an adult child or children is, for many parents, excruciating. Some describe it as the worst they’ve ever felt. It’s overwhelming, and feels unending.
But to say that you’re in pain is not the full story. It’s just a disturbing headline with no further information. To deal with pain, we must know its name.
What is your pain?
Is it sadness? Grief? Dread?
Is it resentment? Anger? Regret?
Any and every emotion you might experience during estrangement is normal. In this important 2-part episode (Part 2 releases two weeks after this one), Tina talks about the feelings above, as well as others, and what to do with them.
Rack up EQ points listening to this miniseries released in honor of American Heart Month.
IMPORTANT: Trauma is not an emotion. Trauma is best addressed in the safety of a professional relationship with a qualified trauma therapist.
For information on what causes estrangement, and ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
RESOURCES:
Episode 95: The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent
Episode 35: Why Rejected Parents Act Impulsively (And How Not To)
The Biology of Connection
Feeling Abandoned/Rejected By an Estranged Adult Child
Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them
Feeling Powerless in the Face of Estrangement
If you’re the parent of an estranged adult child (or any adult child) who identifies as transgender or gender non-conforming, you might be asked to refer to them with pronouns you’re not used to.
When your child was growing up, you called her “she” and “her.” Now you’re being asked to use “they” and “them,” “he” and “him,” “ze” and “hir,” or other words you’re not familiar with.
This episode offers a shallow dive into why and how to use your adult child’s pronouns, especially but not exclusively when your child is estranged.
Tina explains that pronouns are personal. Trying to use them correctly and consistently creates a personal connection for which there’s no substitute -- even across great distances.
Find out how to use pronouns commonly used by gender non-conforming people, and what to do when you make a mistake.
You may be reassured to know that you don’t have to get it right 100% of the time; if you’re trying in earnest 100% of the time, mistakes are likely to be better tolerated.
For information on what causes estrangement, and ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
RESOURCES:
UCSF LGBT Resource Center: Pronouns Matter
Pronouns.org
ADL Let’s Get It Right: Using Correct Pronouns and Names
10 ways to step up as an ally to non-binary people
Parents of estranged adult children often worry that what's happening in their families may be part of a growing trend.
On the one hand, it's soothing to know you're not alone when you're suffering. But on the other, fascination with "estrangement as a trend" is just one more way to take your eye off the ball when you're seeking to reconnect with your estranged adult child(ren).
In this episode, Tina explores the question of whether estrangement is on the rise, and if so, what it means for you.
The takeaway: Growing family estrangement may be an interesting topic for academics but should be held loosely by parents wanting to improve an estranged relationship with their own adult children.
For information on what causes estrangement, and ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
EPISODE RESOURCES:
RCP129: 7 Ways Parents Waste Time During Estrangement
“Manipulative.” It’s an intimidating word, especially when other people apply it to us. What do they mean when they say we’re being manipulative?
Some parents of estranged adult children are well acquainted with the word and the concept of manipulation. Either they’ve been accused of being manipulative themselves, or they find their adult child(ren)’s behavior to be manipulative.
But what is manipulation, and what makes it feel so bad on the receiving end?
If someone you love has accused you of being manipulative in the relationship you share, how do you understand what they’re talking about, and how can you change your behavior if needed?
And if you feel manipulated by your adult child(ren), how can you think about their behavior in a way that safeguards your love and tenderness toward them, while also preserving your integrity?
These are the questions Tina tackles in Episodes 135 and 136.
This is a two-parter. Click here for Part 1.
For information on how to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
“Manipulative.” It’s an intimidating word, especially when other people apply it to us. What do they mean when they say we’re being manipulative?
Some parents of estranged adult children are well acquainted with the word and the concept of manipulation. Either they’ve been accused of being manipulative themselves, or they find their adult child(ren)’s behavior to be manipulative.
But what is manipulation, and what makes it feel so bad on the receiving end?
If someone you love has accused you of being manipulative in the relationship you share, how do you understand what they’re talking about, and how can you change your behavior if needed?
And if you feel manipulated by your adult child(ren), how can you think about their behavior in a way that safeguards your love and tenderness toward them, while also preserving your integrity?
These are the questions Tina tackles in Episodes 135 and 136.
This is a two-parter. Click on the player below to listen to Part 1, and tune in next time for Part 2.
For much more information on how to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
For parents unwillingly estranged from an adult child, it can seem as though forgiveness is the brass ring. If they can attain forgiveness, reconnection will be secured and the nightmare of unwanted estrangement will end.
But is that true?
In this interesting episode, Tina challenges the notion of adult children’s unwillingness to forgive – likening forgiveness to an orchid that won’t bloom.
In cases where forgiveness is still needed, she talks about the conditions required for forgiveness, and what parents can do to create the ones they control.
And finally, she reminds parents that you may already be forgiven, even if reconciliation hasn’t happened yet.
EPISODE LINKS:
When You Can’t Forgive (Psychology Today)
Episode 122: Language Matters
The more parents learn about how to respond effectively to estrangement by adult children, the more they start to regret what they did (or didn’t do) in the past.
Regret is the price of change; when certain changes make sense, we almost always wish we’d made them sooner. But in this episode, Tina assures rejected parents that all is not lost if you feel you erred in responding to your estranged adult child(ren)’s estrangement.
Most mistakes of communication are not fatal to your goal of building a better relationship in the long run. This episode includes both reassurance and, as always, practical advice for worried parents.
For information on how to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
EPISODE LINKS:
Don’t Be in a Hurry to Apologize to an Estranged Adult Child
RCP Episode 103: “What should I apologize for?”
Course sample: A Good Apology
The people who most need self-care are the least likely to focus on it. So if the whole idea of self-care seems boring to you, you might want to force yourself to listen to this episode!
It’s stressful to be estranged from your own adult child or children. Maybe there are also grandchildren involved, adding another layer of suffering to the unwanted separation.
The grief that comes along with missing family members and milestones is deep and devastating for rejected parents.
That’s why Tina recorded this episode about self-care, just for parents of estranged adult children.
Some of her tips might be familiar. But others may offer a new perspective. This episode is intended to inspire you to take action to make sure you’re receiving the care and attention you need during the challenging time of estrangement.
(If you prefer reading to listening, check out the article on which this episode is based.)
EPISODE LINKS:
Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them
Kristen Neff’s self-compassion website
Chronic Pain Interview with Dr. Howard Schubiner
The Boulder Back Pain Study
The Way Out book by Alan Gordon
Physical benefits of exercise
Trauma treatment provider directories:
https://traumatherapistnetwork.com/
https://www.psychologytoday.com
https://www.goodtherapy.org
3 Breathing Exercises That Will Change Your Life With Nick Heath [Podcast]
Nick Heath's breathing website
Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
If you get an opportunity for family therapy with your estranged adult child, there are things a parent needs to know.
Family therapy is not mediation. Nor is it like marital or couples counseling. For it to be successful, family therapy with children of any age is something for which parents must be prepared.
In this informative episode, Tina describes the challenges for parents in family therapy. She offers specific ideas and advice before you sit down together with a therapist.
This is a must-listen for any parent holding an invitation, or thinking of issuing one, for family therapy with an estranged adult child.
For information on how to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Parents may be overjoyed at the thought of reconnecting with their estranged adult children, but there’s often a more complicated experience in store for them.
Many parents describe a continuing feeling of walking on eggshells. They feel as though there’s a constant danger of backward movement, so they find themselves checking in about absolutely everything.
All the checking in, and the worry and fear, are exhausting. Tina calls this “reconciliation fatigue.”
In this episode, Tina assures parents that reconciliation fatigue is a normal part of reconnecting. She explains why it happens and what to do about it.
If you’re in the reconciliation phase of an estrangement by your adult child(ren), don’t miss this episode.
For information on how to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
LINKS:
Episode 63: What You Resist Persists
Visiting websites where estranged adult children commiserate with each other...
Worrying about influences beyond your control...
Focusing exclusively on getting an emotionally distant adult child to communicate with you...
These are a few ways parents waste precious time during unwanted estrangement from adult children.
It’s understandable to want the pain to end. But in trying to end it, parents often exhaust themselves sprinting in all the wrong directions, instead of walking the path directly in front of them.
In this episode you'll learn about the seven most common time-wasters Tina has noticed in working with parents of estranged adult children.
Whether your estrangement is long-standing or has only just begun, this episode is a must-listen for every parent of an estranged adult child.
For information on how to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Smart parents are keen not to waste time during estrangement from their adult child(ren). So they set about working on themselves in a good-faith effort to prepare for reconnection.
If you have the time, energy and support for personal development, you’re ahead of the pack.
But what does “working on yourself” really mean?
And who are you doing it for?
And is “working on oneself” really the best phrase to capture the gold in the process?
In Episodes 127 (last time) and 128 (this one), Tina shares her thoughts about parents working on themselves during unwanted estrangement.
As always, she offers practical advice to help you make the most of your efforts.
For information on how to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
EPISODE LINKS:
https://traumatherapistnetwork.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com
https://www.goodtherapy.org
Smart parents are keen not to waste time during estrangement from their adult child(ren). So they set about working on themselves in a good-faith effort to prepare for reconnection.
If you have the time, energy and support for personal development, you’re ahead of the pack.
But what does “working on yourself” really mean?
And who are you doing it for?
And is “working on oneself” really the best phrase to capture the gold in the process?
In Episodes 127 (this one) and 128 (next time), Tina shares her thoughts about parents working on themselves during unwanted estrangement.
As always, she offers practical advice to help you make the most of your efforts.
For information on how to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
EPISODE LINKS:
https://traumatherapistnetwork.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com
https://www.goodtherapy.org
Like every good driver, even good parents have blind spots.
Sometimes the most well-meaning of efforts to parent better than they were parented can promote a disconnect between parents and their adult children.
It's tragic that such good intentions can lead to such surprising and disappointing results, in many cases.
In this two-episode series (listen to Part 1 here), Tina explains the idea of "do-over" parenting, and how it can create unexpected trouble in the parent-child relationship.
For information on how to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Like every good driver, even good parents have blind spots.
Sometimes the most well-meaning of efforts to parent better than they were parented can gradually promote a disconnect that affects relations between parents and adult children.
It's tragic that parents' good intentions can lead to such surprising and disappointing results, in many cases.
In this two-episode series (Part 2 will be in Episode 126), Tina explains the idea of "do-over" parenting, and how it can create unexpected trouble in the parent-child relationship.
For information on how to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Once they realize the relationship is in trouble, many parents of estranged adult children are genuinely eager to make any necessary amends.
Rejected parents who send apologies want their child(ren) to know they understand the issues that led to the cut-off, and that they’re ready (or working toward readiness) for a new and better relationship.
But even the sincerest apology is not always met with the desired response, which would be an immediate end to estrangement.
In this informative episode, Tina lists four typical responses from estranged adult children, and ranks them anecdotally from most to least likely.
Once you know that all of these responses are normal and to be expected, you may feel better about making the most of whatever comes your way.
For information on how to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Resources mentioned on this show:
RC Podcast Episode 87. When You Don't Get a Response
RC Podcast Episode 20. What Your Child's Silence Really Means
Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them
Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Pillemer
Never miss an episode. Subscribe now on Spotify, Stitcher or Apple Podcasts. Or subscribe to the Reconnection Club channel on YouTube.
Some time ago, your adult child asked you to give him space. He became estranged. But now he's reached out to you.
The door has been opened at last!
You send your child an invitation, a photo, or a link. And... he's gone again. What happened?
Why does an adult child reach out to her parents, only to disappear again? Ambivalence is common among estranged adults, and it's a setup for what Tina calls The Escalation Trap.
It's important to note that this is not a trap set intentionally by people estranged from family. It's created by the circumstances of ambivalent connection.
On this episode, Tina describes the escalation trap and, more importantly, what parents can do to avoid it.
For information on how to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Other episode mentioned on this show:
- If Your Child “Blows Hot and Cold”
Vicious.
Nasty.
Controlling.
Mean.
How do you feel when you read those words?
If you've been thinking about your estranged adult child(ren) in these terms, the language you're using may be affecting your ability to solve the problem of estrangement.
Compare "My child is being cruel" with "I miss feeling close and connected."
The first statement is stark. It invites a lack of trust, and a sense of powerlessness. If your child is simply cruel, where does that leave you?
The second eases the nervous system with words that feel better: "close" and "connected." Even if those feelings are currently missing, just the sound of them can soothe an aching soul.
Get inspired by this episode to manage your experience of estrangement, by managing your vocabulary.
You may not get to choose whether you’re estranged, but you do get to choose how you respond – including what you say when you talk to yourself and others.
Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child.
If you've ever apologized to your estranged adult child and included the fact that you're not perfect, chances are you didn't tell them anything they didn't already know.
If they're honest with themselves, estranged adult children also know that they're not perfect, either. Because no one is.
"I'm not perfect" is a common refrain from those seeking forgiveness. But as apologies go, that phrase is... well, less than perfect.
In addition to being redundant, the statement may stir up negative feelings, because of what it leaves out.
In this episode, Tina gives 4 different reasons to avoid using this statement, especially during apologies.
Full show notes are at reconnectionclub.com/121
Have you ever heard the following rules of thumb for parents of estranged adult children?
"Always give your estranged adult child the last word when texting."
"Never reach out to them if they’ve asked for no contact."
"Don’t send gifts."
"You have to apologize if you want to reconcile."
These rules of thumb get bandied about in conversations between unwillingly estranged parents. And instead of starting points, they’re often treated as a hard line that parents have to toe.
But even with hard-and-fast rules (which these aren’t), not every rule applies in every case all the time.
In this episode, Tina cautions against treating rules of thumb as if they were natural laws. She urges you to think through the rationale for everything you do during estrangement, and provides examples of what that looks like.
For a guidebook to help you understand the principles underlying rules of thumb, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Parents of adult children, whether estranged or not, sometimes (or often) bump into boundaries they didn’t know were there.
They might be asked to call before dropping in, to speak to their child’s spouse a certain way, or to respect a grandchild’s dietary restrictions, bedtime or other limits.
Even when boundary lines are clearly drawn, they can still be a source of friction in the parent-adult child relationship. But when boundaries are unclear or seem to change frequently, parents may feel both frustrated and insecure.
The “walking on eggshells” feeling that many parents experience around their adult children is in large part a fear of setting the relationship back by unwittingly crossing invisible lines.
In this episode, Tina offers some thoughts about boundaries, including why your adult child may be withholding information about them, and how to find out where the lines are.
For practical tips on how to repair estranged relationships with adult children and their spouses or partners, see Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Parent-adult child estrangement is essentially a communication problem.
Many unwillingly estranged parents are dismayed by what they view as a lack of communication skills in their adult children.
“If only he’d tell me what’s wrong,” they lament. Or, “Why does she have to such awful language?”
Fortunately, communication takes two. If you have any contact with your estranged adult child, you can contribute greatly to improved interactions.
Even without direct contact, anything you send in writing will have an impact on the tone of your relationship.
In this episode, Tina points out that nobody communicates in a vacuum, least of all family.
Listen to this thought-provoking episode to learn how to enjoy better communication with your adult child(ren), and others.
Find Tina's book at Amazon: Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child
Family conflict is inherently dramatic.
This is according to one dictionary that defines drama as “any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results, e.g. the drama of a murder trial.”
The dictionary might as well have used parent-adult child estrangement as an example of drama, since it entails the elements mentioned above.
In this episode, Tina reminds us that most dramas involve heroes and villains. But in parent-adult child estrangement, that dichotomy presents parents with an obvious problem.
If the parent (as the rejected party) is the hero, then they must live with the notion that they raised a villain or villains.
But if the estranged adult child is the hero, then the parent must make sense of how his best efforts to parent well, including the sacrifices he made, landed him in the villain role.
As a matter of expediency, Tina suggests refusing to view the situation in black-and-white terms.
Part of the pain of being rejected by an adult child is knowing how much, and for how long, you sacrificed energy and time to parent her or him.
You did as well as you could within the given circumstances. Why can’t your adult child cut you some slack?
Estrangement can uncover expectations of reciprocity from one’s children. “I’m not asking for much,” you might say; “I just want to know my child is okay.” Or “I’d just like to see my grandchildren once in a while.”
When parents’ desire for contact with an adult child and/or grandchild(ren) is thwarted, the sense of injustice can be consuming.
It raises the question of what we all, as somebody’s children, owe our parents.
After a brief ethical exploration of this question, Tina suggests that certain conditions are usually in place before adult children reciprocate. She also addresses the problem of how to deal with feelings of injustice.
Episode link:
Check out Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them on Amazon
Once they recover from the shock of realizing their adult children have become estranged, many parents are quick to apologize in order to make things right.
While the desire to make amends usually comes from a good place, early apologies can miss the mark.
Before you consider apologizing to an estranged adult child, first ask yourself whether an apology is necessary.
In many cases, an apology would be very much appreciated. But for others, it's not important.
If you know an apology is in order, it may mean more to get it right than to do it soon.
In this workshop-style episode, Tina describes an exercise to do before you sit down to write to your child, and gives you 5 reasons why doing this first makes sense.
For more tips and tools, check out Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
You might be surprised when your adult child's reasons for estrangement seem to change over time, or depending on whom they're telling. But if you think it's because they weren't valid in the first place, this episode could change your mind and help you find a path forward together.
Raise your hand if you think your estranged adult child’s spouse or partner is the main cause of the estrangement between you. If your hand is raised, you have lots of company.
Parents who are unwillingly estranged from an adult child often worry that a son- or daughter-in-law has driven a wedge between them. They feel powerless in the face of that person’s influence, and wonder if they’ll ever be allowed to be close to their adult child or grandchildren again.
This is admittedly a frightening and frustrating position for parents and grandparents. But as Tina points out in this thought-provoking episode, things are not always as they seem.
Show notes are at reconnectionclub.com/113
It's not pleasant, but it happens. Find out why, and how best to respond, in this episode.
Show notes are at https://reconnectionclub.com/112
An episode for parents with trauma in their history, or any parent who identifies as feeling "broken."
Show notes are at https://reconnectionclub.com/111
If only we always did what we know we should do, instead of what we somehow end up doing despite our better judgment.
When it comes to reconnecting with estranged adult children, many parents have good information to go on, and even better intentions.
They know what to do, whether it be listening more, reaching out less, or something else.
But if you’re like the rest of us, you don’t always put what you know into practice.
What gets in the way, and what can you do about it if you haven’t been following your best protocol to solve the estrangement of your adult child(ren)?
In this episode, Tina talks about two big obstacles that keep knowing from becoming doing.
Show notes at https://reconnectionclub.com/110
Starting this month, The RC Podcast will release new episodes every other week instead of weekly.
Over two episodes, 108 and 109, Tina touches on six obstacles that challenge parents trying to reconnect with their estranged adult children: Confusion, comparison, defensiveness, paralysis, emotional reasoning, and fear.
Part 1 (Episode 108) addressed the first three and Part 2 (this episode) the second three.
Over and over, these six internal stumbling blocks keep parents from making progress. Tina explains the difficulties and what you can do to get past them.
While there may be external obstacles between you and your estranged adult child, start where you have the most power; dismantle internal obstacles first.
A self that is whole has more power to overcome challenges than one in pieces.
Over two episodes, 108 and 109, Tina touches on six obstacles that challenge parents trying to reconnect with their estranged adult children: Confusion, comparison, defensiveness, paralysis, emotional reasoning, and fear.
Part 1 (Episode 108) addresses the first three and Part 2 (Episode 109) the second three.
Over and over, these six internal stumbling blocks keep parents from making progress. Tina explains the difficulties and what you can do to get past them.
While there may be external obstacles between you and your estranged adult child, start where you have the most power; dismantle internal obstacles first.
A self that is whole has more power to overcome challenges than one in pieces.
Estrangement from your adult child(ren) presents a special sorrow during the holiday season.
Part of the suffering is inevitable for parents; the loss of connection to one’s own children hurts.
But there’s another aspect of estrangement that you can do something about today. And that is to reconnect with yourself, through the practice of staying present.
In this grounding episode, Tina reminds us that there’s always someone home inside us. Even when we’re missing other people, it’s important that we show up for ourselves.
Three ways for unwillingly estranged parents to stay present during the holidays (and every day) are explained in this episode. But as Tina points out, there are many more.
Happy holidays to everyone; may we all find many moments of peace, meaning and connection.
For many more practical tips on how to repair an estranged relationship with your adult child(ren) and yourself, see Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join at ReconnectionClub.com.
Sibling rivalry is an unfortunate fact of life in many families. It can contribute to estrangement from parents as well.
There are two situations where this is especially true, which Tina addresses in this informative episode.
One is when your estranged adult child accuses you of playing favorites, either in childhood or on a continuing basis, thereby promoting sibling rivalry.
Another is when two or more of your adult children aren’t getting along with each other.
Often this type of conflict is due to, or exacerbated by, the estrangement of one sibling from parents and possibly other family members.
In this episode, Tina makes suggestions about how to handle each of the above scenarios. You as the parent have more power than you might think in both cases.
To work your way back to a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship with your currently estranged adult child, there might be changes you wish to make.
Something went wrong in the relationship you share. To repair your damaged bond, you may wish to show up in a different way for your adult child.
Typical changes desired are for parents to listen more, criticize less, reduce or increase expectations placed on the adult child, etc.
Many changes requested by estranged adult children are ones that could benefit the parent as well. For this reason, and because the relationship may depend on it, you need to know how to actually change – not just to talk about it, but to do it.
This episode outlines four specific steps to making a change. Be ready to take notes!
It can be nerve-wracking, launching a young adult. You’re still a parent, but your child has reached the age of majority.
Suddenly, your influence is legally nil. But your attachment is no less strong.
How can you continue to help and support a young adult if they no longer seek your counsel? What can (or should) you do if you think they’re making poor decisions?
In this episode, Tina normalizes the emotional challenge of parenting young adults, while inspiring you to be there for your adult child(ren) in a way that’s appropriate to this new stage of their lives.
You may not be able to guide your adult child’s path from this point forward, but you can still have a positive continuing influence as a supportive parent.
And remember that everything you’ve ever taught them, and the personal example you’ve set, will live on in your child’s life.
If you don’t know what to apologize for when it comes to your estranged adult child(ren), it may be that no apology is needed.
But if you sense that an apology would be healing, then there’s work to do.
Knowing what to apologize for is the result of effort; you have to try to understand what happened in the relationship and why your child currently prefers distance.
Tina suggests in this episode that if you don't know what to apologize for, it's probably too early for an apology.
Since premature apologies can do more harm than good, Tina outlines steps you can take to acquire the knowledge you need.
Parents who are working to repair a relationship with an adult child know that validation is important. But how can you validate something that seems patently false?
If an accusation is serious enough to get you into legal trouble, this episode is not for you. Please seek legal counsel instead.
But if you’ve been accused of garden-variety poor behavior and you have no idea where the accusation is coming from, listen to this episode for Tina’s thoughts on how to offer a response that can heal and repair a damaged bond.
Grandchild estrangement is one of the most painful aspects of estrangement, which is a surprisingly common problem in families.
In this episode, Tina shares some observations about this phenomenon, and explains why some adult children feel justified in cutting off a grandparent, even if no one involved is happy about it.
There are reasons why grandchild estrangement may occur beside the one mentioned in this episode, but regardless of what’s motivating the separation, Tina gently guides grandparents toward a possible solution.
Why on earth don’t estranged adult children reach out to parents if they need help? Surely the estrangement can be put aside, at least until the crisis is over?
But it doesn’t always happen.
Are estranged adult children just trying to keep up a façade? Does it hurt their egos for parents to know they’re struggling?
Tina suggests in this episode that there are at least 3 other reasons why estranged adult children might not reach out to parents for help.
A fourth, obvious reason that isn’t addressed in the episode is this:
4) They may be able to handle things without help.
Sometimes a parent's only option is to trust adult children to make good decisions, or else to learn from mistakes.
For many more practical tips on how to repair an estranged relationship with your adult child(ren) and yourself, see Tina’s book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Episodes 97, 98 and 99 form a 3-part series outlining an overall stepwise approach to reconnecting with your estranged adult child.
In the 3rd and final episode of this series, you'll find out why it's important to go through the steps in order, and not to enter Step 3 prematurely.
By the time you get to this last step, you should already have completed 90% of the work of reconnection -- even without your adult child's participation.
Tina cautions that many rejected parents go through the steps backwards, expending energy in fruitless efforts for which they haven't yet built a foundation.
You'll also hear about three different traps that parents can fall into, in trying to repair an estrangement.
Once you've spent constructive time in Steps 1 and 2, you'll be prepared for Step 3, which should be the easiest of the three, if approached in order.
Episodes 97, 98 and 99 form a 3-part series outlining an overall stepwise approach to reconnecting with your estranged adult child.
In this second episode of the series, Tina talks about how long to spend on Step 1 before progressing to Step 2, and why you don't have to rely on an estranged adult child to provide information about why they're estranged or how to make repairs.
In addition to providing ideas for specific activities that are helpful for Step 2, Tina normalizes the nervous feeling of walking on eggshells, and being afraid to mess up. This too shall pass!
Episodes 97, 98 and 99 form a 3-part series outlining an overall stepwise approach to reconnecting with your estranged adult child.
In the first episode, Tina explains why it's important to slow down and avoid acting impulsively, from a place of desperation.
This foundational episode provides a rationale for Step 1, and then lists specific tasks appropriate for this first phase of responding to your adult child's estrangement.
You'll learn why it's necessary to pay attention to your nervous system, and how best to avoid unnecessary suffering. (According to Buddhism, pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional.)
Not every parent rejected by an adult child feels abused by that rejection. But many do.
If your child’s refusal to talk to you feels abusive, chances are there are good reasons for that. However, they may not be the reasons you think.
Not all behavior that causes emotional pain constitutes abuse. But if you've been abused before, your brain is on high alert for painful interactions.
Feeling abused when you're hurt is often a symptom of having been abused -- not necessarily by current players, but in the past.
This is not your fault, and it’s also not caused by your child’s behavior, which is more likely just a trigger.
If your adult child’s withholding feels abusive, the best thing you can do is to seek help from a mental health professional. In many cases, a trauma specialist is an appropriate choice.
Show notes are at reconnectionclub.com/96-2 (not 92 as announced in the episode).
This week’s episode begins with an assertion that neither pain nor compassion is a zero-sum commodity.
Estranged adult child are in some ways wounded by the relationship they share with their parents. Most people in this position are in pain over the necessity of estrangement.
Acknowledging that fact, we can still find compassion for the rejected parent who finds himself left behind. It’s usually the case that he did the best he knew how to do, and didn’t mean to hurt his child(ren).
Estrangement involves pain on both sides.
Tina talks about three separate types of parental pain, which she suggests exist at deeper and deeper levels in the parent.
If you’re hurting over the relationship with your adult child or children, this episode is a must-listen.
Do you suspect your adult child’s spouse is answering your texts?
Is your estranged adult son’s partner coaching him to stay away from you?
How much influence do third parties have when it comes to estrangement from parents?
The answer is, it depends.
There’s no question that we’re all influenced by the people in our lives. But when it comes to big decisions like cutting off from family, most of us would like to make sure we’re doing what works best for us.
Even if someone is encouraging your child to keep her distance from you, if she really wanted to contact you, she’d eventually find a way to do it.
In this episode (use the player below to listen), Tina advises parents to keep your eye on the ball, don’t contribute to a negative environment by engaging with hostile third parties, and remember your own power.
As she says in the recording, “If it takes a village to resist you, you must be very powerful.”
The parent-child relationship is not like any other. In so many ways, your role has always been a more demanding one than your child’s.
If you were lucky, you had no responsibility for your parents when you were growing up; they took care of you, and not the other way around.
Parents care for their children, and children are cared for by parents. There's something inherently asymmetrical about the relationship.
That dynamic gets etched into both of your psyches as your child grows to maturity. And even though she’s now an adult, she’s never going to be exactly like your peers.
Tina describes the ways and means that parents shoulder the burden of steering relationships with their children.
It’s clear that although parents and children are not exactly peers, even in adulthood, parents trade the responsibilities of parenting for the honor of being irreplaceable.
Most of us have just one of each parent. Never believe you’re interchangeable with anyone else in your adult child’s life.
Many rejected parents feel a deep sense of loss of love, connection and belonging.
If you’re feeling unloved because your adult child is estranged, you may not have the luxury of waiting for her or him to offer you the warmth and affection that all of us need.
The positive message of this episode is that even in our darkest times, we have the capacity to create love and kindness for ourselves and others. We don’t have to wait to receive these from someone else.
Love expands in the giving, not in the receiving. If you want to experience more love, more kindness, etc., Tina has practical suggestions for how you can cultivate these in your life today.
When it comes to love and forgiveness, lead by example. Be the change you'd like to see, in all your relationships.
For practical tips on how to repair an estranged relationship with your adult child(ren) while healing and growing as a person, see Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Once you start learning, growing and healing through estrangement from an adult child, you might feel like sharing new insights with your child.
Why wouldn’t s/he be interested in hearing what you’ve learned? And how exciting, to have new knowledge that can create a positive impact in your relationship.
That’s why many parents ask, “How do I let my estranged adult child know I’ve changed, if we’re not currently in contact?”
Tina’s answer is, “Don’t be in a hurry to do that.” Find out why you might want to wait on writing them a note about the work you've been doing, and what to do instead.
For practical tips on how to repair an estranged relationship with your adult child(ren), see Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
Reconnection Club members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Weekly episodes will continue through May 31st, but after that, the next new episode will come out the first Monday in September.
Tina is available over the summer (or winter if you're in the Southern Hemisphere) for private consultation.
Also, the Reconnection Club is open to all parents who've listened to the podcast and read Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
The Club offers even more resources created by Tina, along with a friendly community of parents experiencing estrangement from their adult children.
For information about private consultation with Tina, go to tinagilbertson.com/consultation.
To learn more about the Reconnection Club, go to reconnectionclub.com/learn-more.
If you’ve been cut off by your adult child(ren), chances are if you’re reading this, you’re searching for solutions.
Parents who seek solutions to the excruciating problem of adult child estrangement have probably tried reaching out to re-establish contact.
But there’s a problem with this common parental behavior. If a lack of contact is not the problem that led to estrangement, contacting your child is not the solution.
In order to solve the puzzle of estrangement, most parents must look inside the relationship for clues.
If you’ve been estranged from your child for a very long time, and you’ve never reached out, then lack of contact might be a problem.
But it will still behoove you to look for solutions to what led to the lack of contact in the first place.
Don’t reach out to your child again without listening to this essential episode.
Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child
It’s not uncommon for parents rejected by adult children to feel humiliated by the experience of estrangement.
And humiliation is a terrible feeling for anyone.
So when you’re faced with the idea of approaching your estranged adult child(ren) with humility, you might think, ‘Why on earth would I sign up for that?’
And also, ‘I’ve still got my pride,’ and perhaps also, ‘I’m not giving up my dignity along with my child(ren).’
But humility is not the same as feeling humiliated. Humility empowers, rather than disempowering, those who adopt it as an attitude.
In this thought-provoking episode, Tina breaks down the differences and offers a clear illustration of the power of humility.
Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child.
The short answer is no, don’t lend money to an estranged adult child. If you can’t afford to give money to them (or if you choose not to), it may be better to avoid any financial involvement.
If you can help it, don’t become your child’s creditor.
As a creditor you’re on the hook to take action if your child defaults. This doesn’t bode well for a good outcome when there’s already tension in your relationship.
What should you do in the event that you already loaned your adult child money? Now she’s estranged and not paying you back.
In this practical episode, Tina discusses that dilemma, and offers a (necessarily imperfect) solution.
If you normally ask what your child needs it for when you’re asked for money, consider whether your child is a criminal, addicted to drugs, or has terrible judgment. If none of these things are true, you might want to show less interest in the details of his spending.
If you treat your child like the independent adult she is, she might spontaneously decide she wants to pay you back for an earlier loan. Or maybe not.
The goal is to show respect for both yourself and your child in all your financial dealings. And to make sure your relationship is based on something more valuable than money.
Parents of estranged adult children often get no response to messages they send.
With every lack of response, parents become more and more discouraged. They take their child’s silence as continued rejection, and they start to feel powerless.
While it’s true that adult children often don’t respond if they don’t like the message, there are other reasons why they might not reply, even if the messages lands well.
In this inspiring episode, Tina suggests that getting a response shouldn’t be considered the only measure of success. As long as they know their messages are helping to restore the relationship, parents can feel good about what they send.
If you’re thinking of offering an apology, or if you’ve sent apologies in the past without apparent effect, make sure you know the elements of an effective apology.
(Go to https://reconnectionclub.com/87 for a link to Lesson 1 of the Reconnection Club apology course.)
That’s just one example of how parents can educate themselves to become confident in what they’re sending to their estranged adult children.
Make sure everything you send during an estrangement is both heartfelt and on target.
You might be surprised to know that if your adult child has abandoned you for your ex, you have plenty of company.
Single mothers often enjoy an especially close relationship with their children when they’re young. No wonder these moms are shocked and hurt when one of their now-young-adults decides to explore a relationship with his dad – and decides to dump Mom in the process.
What’s going on here? Why does an adult child have to reject the parent who raised him in order to get close to the parent who left?
Tina makes several observations about this surprisingly common scenario. Not only is it not rare, it’s likely not permanent.
Moms who experience this type of rejection will do well to remember that the foundations they built with their child(ren) won’t just disintegrate.
It’s okay to turn your attention to personal healing while you await the next phase of your relationship, and your lives.
If you’ve been in the Reconnection Club environment long enough, you’re probably on board with the idea of taking your estranged adult child’s point of view.
You want to be supportive, to validate his thoughts and feelings, while you work on repairing the relationship.
But how do you do that in the face of poor behavior, without feeling like a doormat?
In this week’s show, Tina looks at 3 scenarios where parents are vulnerable to feeling like doormats:
- Your adult child only contacts you when she needs something, then disappears again.
- Your child uses foul language when he speaks to you, but you don’t want to complain and risk losing contact.
- You send invitations and wait for responses that never come, so you never know whether to set another place at the table.
With these examples in mind, learn how to strike a balance between being supportive and being walked on.
If only your child would let go of this GRUDGE she’s carrying. If it weren’t for that, the two of you could be close again, the way you’re meant to be.
But wait – Why is your child holding a grudge? And if she is, then what’s the remedy?
If your child is holding a grudge, there’s absolutely nothing you can do but wait till he comes around. And hope it doesn’t take too long.
In this episode, Tina brings good news: A grudge is probably not the reason your adult child is estranged right now. And if it’s not a grudge your child is insisting on holding, then as a parent, you have the power to change the picture.
Tina lists three considerations for parents who feel their adult child is simply holding a grudge. Spoiler alert: It’s not that simple.
And it’s definitely not that hopeless from a parent’s point of view.
Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child
Many parents rejected by an adult child are committed to working toward a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. But they recognize that even if they work very hard and do everything right, reconciliation can take more time than they’d like.
Some estranged adult children simply need more time before they’re ready to try again. They may be too busy or too anxious right now to take the relationship off the back burner and re-engage.
This leaves parents with nothing to do but wait.
Or does it?
For unwillingly estranged parents, waiting should not be a passive enterprise. If you’re waiting to hear from your child, don’t waste valuable time. You could be preparing right now for a better outcome in the future.
In this episode, Tina explains why parents should spend their “waiting” time constructively and offers specific suggestions for things you can do.
You’ll be lucky if you have the time to do the recommended homework before your child comes back. If you do, it will make all the difference in a successful reconciliation.
Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child
What if your estranged adult child is expressing ideas that seem delusional?
Should you play into those delusions? Or try to talk her out of them?
You might worry that while going along with your child’s distorted thinking may soothe her somewhat, it isn’t good for her psychological health.
You’re torn between preserving the relationship at any cost, and doing the right thing for your child.
Fortunately, this isn’t a choice parents have to make.
Through a story about a delusional patient in a psychiatric ward, Tina shows why parents should focus on the child and the relationship, not the delusion, for best results.
You’d be surprised how many estranged adult children come from close families.
It’s a myth that parents must have been toxic and abusive for adult children to seek estrangement. Sometimes the very closeness that characterizes a family is what underlies the adult child’s need for distance.
But how can that be? Aren’t close families good for children?
Yes, close families are wonderful environments for children to grow up in. But not every family is close in the right way for children to thrive.
In this episode, Tina distinguishes between closeness and enmeshment.
While closeness is healthy and feels good for everyone involved, enmeshment pumps the brakes on individuality and autonomy, especially in children.
The closeness that parents enjoy in enmeshed families may be experienced by children as control or benign oppression.
As always, Tina offers hope for parents to turn things around.
Understanding your adult child’s reasons for estrangement can be hard, especially when there’s no communication.
But it can seem downright mystifying when you look back at your child’s youth. “He had so many great experiences!” you may exclaim, “We made sure he had good times and lots of opportunities.” You wonder how someone who was given so much could ever turn on his parents.
It’s wonderful to have the satisfaction that you gave your child(ren) as much as you could. But parents do this naturally, not as a quid pro quo, and not purely out of generosity. Surely it helped you sleep at night if you knew your child was warm and safe and fed.
It’s a sad awakening to realize that the childhood you were able to give her, didn’t guarantee your child’s happiness.
But there may still be much you can joyfully give that can have a positive impact on both of you.
In this episode, Tina outlines three assumptions parents make about good childhoods, and explains why the privileges and opportunities your child received are less relevant to the relationship than one might hope.
The investments you made in your child(ren) were never guaranteed. But they were also less conscious than the ones you can make in that relationship today. Trade assumptions for good information, and anticipate better results.
If you enjoy this podcast you'll also like Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.
How can they do this? Is it really okay with them? Are they happy?
Research suggests answers to these questions, and Tina shares the information in this informative episode.
It's easy to resent feeling required to indulge the poor behavior of your estranged adult child. You feel like you're being mistreated, and yet you're supposed to jump through hoops for them?
If you've ever felt this way when listening to this podcast or reading Tina's book (Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child), this episode is for you.
Estrangement from your adult child may or may not include verbal assaults from him or her, featuring foul language.
If you’re faced with this kind of behavior, given the current estrangement, what’s the best way to respond? You don’t want to push your child further away. But does that mean you have to tolerate whatever language they may fling at you in a text?
In this episode, Tina offers a 2-part response for parents. Her approach takes into account both your family’s communication history and the importance of healthy boundaries, even during estrangement.
Don’t continue to put up with rude behavior. Know where your limits are, and calmly assert them. Do this with your child, your spouse or partner, other family members and friends.
Setting boundaries, if you do it in the spirit of building better relationships, will not damage your bond with your adult children. Use the examples given in this episode to set your own boundaries around the disrespectful use of foul language.
In the spirit of picking your battles, Tina also offers an opinion regarding your adult child’s use of “snarky tones” with you.
Do you let them know how their behavior is making you feel? Or not?
Tell them just what it’s like not to get a reply, time after time? Or pretend you’re fine with it?
When all you get from them on your birthday is a 2-word text at 11pm, should you say something?
Knowing how and when to express your feelings about the estrangement to your adult child is not easy. What if expressing negative emotions just pushes him further away?
There’s a clue in a simple rule of thumb for rejected parents. Before you do anything, ask yourself, “Will this serve my child?”
You’re human. You deserve for someone to care when your feelings are hurt, and when you’re having a hard time. But it’s not clear that your adult child is the right person to fill that role, especially when she’s estranged.
Tina offers some food for thought in this episode (use the player below to listen now) if you’re thinking of giving your estranged adult child a piece of your mind.
Estrangement doesn’t happen on a whim. If your adult child has cut ties with you at the moment, he has reasons that make sense to him, and that are probably long-standing.
In order for the estrangement to end, those reasons usually need to be addressed and neutralized.
Many parents rejected by their adult children are in such a hurry to end the estrangement that they don’t take sufficient time to investigate the “why” of what happened. They miss opportunities to understand and correct missteps that led to problems in the first place.
Even if they search high and low for the cause of their children’s behavior, parents as a group tend to look in the wrong places for the causes of estrangement.
In this informative episode, Tina helps parents slow down and focus their efforts where they’ll be most fruitful. If you can pinpoint the real cause(s) of your adult child’s desire for distance, you can start building a better experience for both of you in the future.
Your child has cut you off, but still speaks to your spouse. Or vice versa.
Maybe your child is estranged from both of you, but both parents are not on the same page about how to respond.
Should the two of you act as a team, taking a single stance together vis-à-vis your child?
Usually the parent who wants a united front is the one who favors withholding attention, contact, or something else from the estranged adult child.
The idea is, if your child won’t speak to your spouse, or to both of you, then the two of you won’t condone this behavior with contact or favors. There should be consequences, the thinking goes.
But is that a good idea? It depends on whether the outcome you seek is to hold on to your principles, or to facilitate reconciliation. Your strategy may not be able to do both.
In this helpful episode, Tina offers her thoughts on parents presenting a united front. She considers both partial estrangement (i.e., estrangement from one parent but not the other) and estrangement from both parents.
Mothers and daughters have the potential for a very close, lifelong relationship. But not every mother-daughter pair enjoys a harmonious, supportive bond.
You may have seen your friends get together with their grown daughters, and watched them with envy. Your daughter, in contrast, has become estranged. How did this happen, and why?
If the mother-daughter bond is supposed to be so close, why do so many mothers and daughters become estranged?
Mother-daughter relationship coach Rosjke Hasseldine has some important thoughts on that question, and she shares them in this episode.
Listen to an excerpt from Tina’s interview with Rosjke, who is also the author of The Mother-Daughter Puzzle and The Silent Female Scream.
In this excerpt you’ll hear Rosjke discussing the roots of conflict between mothers and daughters – what often goes wrong in this very special relationship, and why the problem extends beyond just you and your daughter.
"Why is it always the parent's fault?" is a question that often comes up when rejected parents are faced with suggestions to apologize, or to try to understand and validate an estranged adult child.
It’s understandable. When all the advice coming your way is to act with humility, instead of someone who deserves to receive an apology yourself, it makes sense to assume you’re being blamed for the situation.
But wait a minute. If what you’re interested in is relationship repair, then all of those activities must be viewed in a different light. A good apology, for example, may be the only way to gently take down the wall your child has put up.
Seeking first to understand is a recognized habit of highly effective people.
Validation doesn’t imply agreement. It’s just a way to move from the opposite side, to the same one.
All of the tools successful parents are putting to use, might make it look like they’re taking the blame. But what they’re taking is responsibility for solving a problem that’s bothering them.
Don’t mistake responsibility for blame. There’s no value anyway on staying focused on whose fault the estrangement is. It’s just a recipe for remaining estranged.
Try to let go of the notions of fault, blame, and guilt surrounding estrangement. Recognize apologies, validation, and other tools as part of a solid relationship repair toolkit.
If your goal is to repair and improve a troubled relationship, look for ways to be accountable – not ways you’re not at fault.
If your goal is to prove that too much blame has been laid at your feet, you may be in the wrong place here. The Reconnection Club is for parents seeking reconnection through self-awareness and personal growth.
It’s common for rejected parents who are unwillingly estranged from an adult child to feel utterly powerless. And that's a horrible feeling in the face of a breach in an important relationship.
But there are three specific assumptions parents make that leave them truly powerless. These insidious assumptions are:
Your child’s estrangement is entirely about something that happened in the past,
Someone else is controlling (or has brainwashed) your child, and
Your child has a personality disorder that’s making him act this way.
Each of these assumptions in the parent says, in effect, “This estrangement in entirely beyond my control.”
Only when parents give up any hope of having a positive impact on their troubled relationship, are they truly powerless to heal estrangement from their adult children.
The other episode mentioned on this show was Episode #62, Personality Disorders and Estrangement.
Most parents feel their estranged adult children’s pain. Part of their own anguish is the knowledge that their child isn’t happy.
And there’s a saying: “You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child.”
But when an adult child treats you with rudeness or anger, it’s easy to lose that compassion for them. Their behavior might trigger defensiveness or anger in you. And those will replace your softer feelings.
Once your own feelings turn angry and defensive, your ability to repair your relationship is compromised. That’s why Tina shares some thoughts to help you get your compassion back.
In this episode, Tina offers a few ways to look at your child and see a frustrated, angry, de-skilled individual who’s not operating at their best -- rather than a mean bully you want to run from.
If you can find your way back to compassion for both your child and yourself, you can get back on the reconnection track.
It’s the festive season – always a complicated time for people experiencing estrangement from family.
The holidays are full of friendship, gift-giving, celebrating and creating memories. But for parents rejected by one or more of their adult children, it can feel wrong to participate.
Having a good time feels … unseemly. How can parents enjoy themselves when such an important relationship is in trouble? Don’t they miss their children? Don’t they love them?
In this episode, Tina suggests that it’s not only okay, but healthy and important, for rejected parents to enjoy themselves during estrangement.
The holidays are a good time to practice this. But throughout the year, if you’re too sad to participate in good times and creating happy memories with others, you’re adding to your pain and loss.
According to Tina, you deserve better. She outlines three typical reasons why parents find it hard to let loose, and counters them with common sense and compassion.
This inspiring episode will give you permission to go ahead and enjoy yourself this holiday season, and beyond.
If you feel powerless in the face of your adult child’s estrangement, that’s understandable. You can't force your child to return your texts, let alone reunite.
It's a horrible feeling, to have so little power over something so important.
At the same time, powerlessness is a dangerous place to be for your mental health. Every one of us needs to feel that we have some power and control over the most basic aspects of our lives. Like being able to spend time with family.
For your mental and physical health, it’s crucial to recognize your power as a person, and especially as a parent. Because you do have more power than you might realize. Yes, even when you're unwillingly estranged from your adult child.
In this empowering episode, Tina offers seven different ways parents can take their power back, from being strategic about the estrangement, to being accountable to yourself in small ways every day.
Your adult child, who’s always been such an empathetic soul, has ruthlessly cut you off.
How can such an empathetic person have no empathy for the parents who raised him? Doesn’t he care that he’s hurting you?
It seems like a mystery.
The problem of empathy is that it can’t coexist with estrangement. To be empathetic, you have to stop being estranged.
But if contact is painful for you, then it’s a win-lose situation. Either the parent “wins” because the child is back in contact, or the child “wins” the prize of the distance she desired.
In either case, someone loses.
Tina explains this painful dilemma in this interesting episode.
When your child decides to distance himself from you, whose problem is it?
If you’re like most parents who are unwillingly estranged from adult children, you walk through life these days feeling as if you have a big weight on your shoulders.
But feeling the weight of a problem is not the same as owning it.
In this episode, Tina explains why taking ownership of a problem is a necessary step toward solving it.
Our brains look at problems differently when we “own” them. We’re in a much better position to creative and proactive, according to Tina.
Taking ownership, she points out, is not the same as taking blame. It’s just a mental shift that will enable you to better solve the painful problem of estrangement.
Your child is not the expert on how to fix the situation. If she were, she wouldn't be estranged in the first place.
Let this episode inspire you to find your power again.
It’s painful when estranged adult children don’t respond to invitations at the holidays. At this time of year, even a video chat would be meaningful in lieu of a family gathering.
If you’ve issued an invitation and not heard back, you have plenty of company. It’s frustrating and hurtful. Why do they do it?
In this episode of the podcast, Tina suggests three reasons why an otherwise polite adult child might fail to respond to invitations during estrangement.
If you haven’t already sent one out, Tina recommends not issuing invitations to estranged adult child. However, she does give two exceptions to this general rule.
Parents of estranged adult children often end up sending gifts into a void. Not just at holidays, but all year long. Their giving is not boundaried, nor does it necessarily respect the wishes of their child, who in many cases has asked for no contact.
If you’ve listened to Episode 10, you’re already familiar with five reasons NOT to send gifts to an estranged adult child. But you might be left wondering, still, whether you can ever send anything again.
With the holidays approaching, if gifts are on your mind, listen to this episode to find out what Tina means by “healthy giving.” And hear 4 types of healthy giving suggestions for this season and beyond.
When you go in for a vaccination, the nurse might tell you to relax just before he gives you the needle.
Obviously, relaxing is not natural in a situation like this. And yet resisting the needle creates tension, and may even make the shot more painful.
Resistance is not only futile, it often creates more pain than does acceptance. Thus, acceptance of a painful process can actually make it less painful than resistance.
There’s a lesson here for parents of estranged adult children. They naturally resist silence, the inherent rejection, and the estrangement itself.
Importantly, parents also resist their estranged adult children’s versions of their parenting. They defend themselves against unfair or inaccurate depictions of themselves as parents and as people. And while this is natural, it isn’t the best response to estrangement.
Nor is it the best response to any unwanted situation.
In this episode, Tina urges you to embrace the estrangement you don’t want from your child, in order to find peace and freedom in an otherwise losing battle with reality. She explains why acceptance definitely doesn’t mean giving up.
Does your estranged adult child have a personality disorder (PD)?
If so, how much does it matter?
Armchair diagnoses of PDs such as Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD are often flung back and forth between estranged adult children and rejected parents, to explain the problems between them.
Often, it may simply be that parent and adult child don’t see eye to eye.
But some PDs are real.
What do you do if the person estranged from you is suffering from a genuine, properly diagnosed PD?
The first thing to do, according to Tina, is to get clear on what you really want. If your child has a PD like Borderline that makes him so difficult to deal with, how close do you want to be?
Assuming she were willing, how much time would you want to spend around an adult daughter with full-blown Narcissistic PD?
In this episode, Tina gives a brief sketch of what PDs are, what they’re not, and some implications for estrangement and reconciliation.
It’s not unusual at all for an adult child to cut off parents after getting into therapy. And the cut-off may extend to other family members and even old friends.
When this happens, it’s tempting to blame it on therapy. Your child was fine and so was your relationship, until he went into counseling.
If it seems your child has been brainwashed by a counselor or therapist and that’s why she’s become estranged from family, that’s understandable. But there are underlying assumptions there that might simply not be true.
One is that your child’s therapist is not an ethical professional. And another is that estrangement is not your child’s own idea.
Both of these are statistically questionable, as Tina points out in this informative episode.
You raised your children the same. They knew they were loved. You did your level best by each and every one of them…
So why does one adult child become estranged, claiming an unhappy childhood, while their siblings are perfectly fine?
Can both or all of your kids be right about their childhoods if they claim different things?
The surprising fact is, no two children have exactly the same upbringing. In this episode, Tina shares 5 factors that make each childhood different and unique, even among kids growing up in the same household.
Will your estranged child send you birthday wishes this year? Should you celebrate your child’s birthday even though she’s not currently speaking to you?
How do you survive not only your own birthday without them, but theirs?
Estrangement doesn’t respect birthdays. In many or perhaps most cases, you’ll be disappointed if you expect your child to contact you on your birthday, or answer a text from you on theirs.
For tips on whether to send something on your child’s birthday, listen to Episode 33.
This episode (#59) is all about how to survive the day well, and even have a good and meaningful birthday, while you’re estranged.
The key is to take responsibility for your own experience, and plan ahead.
What is the “average” or “typical” length of estrangement between parents and adult children?
Unfortunately, we’re a long way from having definitive answers, even about generalities like that. In this episode, Tina shares information from the available research, then goes on to discuss four separate factors that are likely to affect the length of your estrangement from your child.
One of the hardest things about being estranged from your adult child is the feeling of rejection that often accompanies the enforced separation.
It’s not easy to live with the pain of rejection day after day. So in this episode, Tina offers five specific ways to cope constructively.
You won’t want to miss this show if the sense of rejection is getting to you.One of the hardest things about being estranged from your adult child is the feeling of rejection that often accompanies the enforced separation.
It’s not easy to live with the pain of rejection day after day. So in this episode, Tina offers five specific ways to cope constructively.
You won’t want to miss this show if the sense of rejection is getting to you.
It’s tempting to say Yes when a kind friend or relative offers to talk to your estranged adult child. But if you’re like many rejected parents, you hesitate.
If someone contacts your child on your behalf...
Will it actually work?
Will it help at all?
Or will it make things worse?
These questions have no answers until you take the leap and see what unfolds. But is it worth the risk?
In this episode (click on the player below to listen), Tina shares 7 separate concerns about the use of intermediaries by parents wanting to reconnect with estranged adult children.
Once you’ve heard all of them, you’ll be far better equipped to make a decision if and when the opportunity arises.
Don’t take (or allow anyone else to take) action until you listen to this helpful episode.
Reconciling with your estranged adult child may be the brass ring, but once you attain it, you find that another phase of estrangement has just begun.
Reconciliation is a process, not an event. It can be a phase that lasts quite a long time. It’s challenging. It’s confusing.
That’s why Tina created this episode. In it she shares a few simple truths about the marathon of reconciliation – things to keep in mind during the process.
If you’re feeling uncomfortable around your child,
If your child seems to be testing you with her behavior,
These could simply be aspects of a natural process unfolding.
As always, Tina advises the judicious and continuing use of apologies to smooth the rough edges of interactions. But it’s also possible to overdo it, and in this episode, she offers a word of caution about that.
If possible, she says, once you’ve educated yourself about the process, try to hold it loosely. You don’t have to be perfect, just do your best.
Why can’t your estranged adult child talk to you about whatever’s wrong, instead of cutting you off without a word?
That’s a good question, and one that has real answers you might not have thought about.
In this episode, Tina offers three explanations that make more sense than, “My child is rude,” or “My child doesn’t love me enough to talk to me,” or “My child is being mean.”
Not every parent estranged from an adult has received a request for no contact. If you have, then the most appropriate response might be to acknowledge the request and take a step back for a while. But if your adult child just seems less interested in the relationship and won’t tell you why, or hasn’t indicated that you shouldn’t reach out now and then, you can engage in thoughtful contact without making the estrangement worse, by applying some of Tina’s 10 rules of thumb for communicating with estranged adult children.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list
In this episode, Tina describes what she means by re-parenting, and encourages you to parent yourself the way everyone deserves to be parented.
She offers three specific re-parenting tips to start practicing today. And if your adult child isn’t available, that’s perfectly okay, because it’s best to start with yourself when it comes to re-parenting.
For much more on how to repair and enhance your relationship with your adult child(ren), read Tina’s book, "Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child."
Estranged adult children often fail to return texts. This is true even if parents are requesting a simple, one-word answer.
Why do otherwise kind and polite young people refuse to offer their parents the courtesy of a brief reply?
It turns out that a text is not just a text. It represents your relationship, and reflects what’s going on at the moment.
Tina explains why asking for a return text is actually asking for more than just time. The whole process of communication is fraught with complex dynamics, especially when relations are strained to begin with.
After listening to this episode, you may be able to give your confused brain a rest from trying to solve this head-scratching puzzle.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
Many parents of estranged adult children have asked them, “How can we fix this?” The answer is often silence. The estranged adult child doesn’t necessarily have any interest in talking about how to reconcile. In this episode, Tina gives you four reasons to go ahead and try to repair the relationship, regardless of your child’s participation.
There’s a special type of pain reserved for parents who still have contact with their adult children, but feel disconnected anyway.
Tina calls this sense of distance “emotional estrangement,” meaning that the distance between you and your child is not physical, but emotional.
This condition can happen following a physical estrangement, or it can constitute the estrangement itself.
In this episode, Tina posits 5 potential sources of emotional estrangement:
- An elephant in the room
- Feeling like strangers
- Hurt feelings
- Life circumstances
- Implicit boundary setting
Click on the player below to listen.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
What is “gaslighting,” and why is your estranged adult child accusing you of doing it to her?
Named after the 1944 movie “Gaslight,” the term refers to the behavior deployed by the nefarious husband, played by Charles Boyer. He convinces his wife that she’s insane through a calculated, relentless campaign of disinformation.
But what on earth does that have to do with your behavior? You have no desire to drive your child insane. What is he getting at, and why is he accusing you of something so diabolical?
Parents of adult children can think of “gaslighting” as just a fashionable term for “invalidating.” And this is something parents do frequently to children young and old, without even realizing it. We do it to ourselves, too, by the way -- no evil intended.
In this episode (use the player below to listen), Tina suggests an effective response when you’re accused by your child of gaslighting him.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
Tina talks through three ideas from How to Win Friends and Influence People that you can begin to implement today.
Use these tips to meet the needs of your estranged adult child and draw them back into connection with you in an honest and generous way.
If you like the idea of attracting your adult child with sincere attempts to meet his or her emotional needs, you’re in the right place with the Reconnection Club.
Learn more at https://reconnectionclub.com/learn-more
Let Tina convince you that changing the past is as unnecessary as it is impossible. Instead, you’ll learn what your child truly needs from you when she complains about past events.
This episode is just another reminder that your power as a parent is greater than you probably realize. Use your power for good, in the present, and you won’t have to waste any more time with pointless regrets.
For parents estranged from adult children, the concept of independence is often overlooked. But cultivating independence can have a positive impact on a rejected parent’s quality of life. That includes how you handle unwanted estrangement.
“I think she blames me for my divorce.” If you feel this might be a motivating factor in your adult child’s estrangement, you’ll want to listen to this episode.
It’s rarely the divorce itself that’s keeping adult children up at night. That’s in the past. They lived through the immediate upheaval, and their lives are now on a different track. It’s not as though your child wants you to get back together with your ex so they can live with both of you again…
So is it even true that the divorce is a factor in your child’s estrangement?
If it is, it’s probably not the breakup of your marriage that’s causing your child pain. Now that you’ve come through the actual divorce, any lingering pain your child is experiencing can be addressed in the present, where it’s happening.
“To the world’s best mom...”
If you ever received a note like this from your child, you might be wondering, how on earth did that adoring child become the silent, unyielding estranged adult she is today?
How did you fall so far from grace, without doing anything differently?
Tina suggests there are two main reasons for this seeming discrepancy in your child's feelings.
In this episode, Tina shares tips on how to become more predictable in your contact in order to create goodwill between yourself and your estranged adult child. Also, she talks about when it’s okay, and even desirable, for a parent to be unpredictable.
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
For parents of estranged adult children, this is one of the most practical and powerful tips available to help them in their quest for reconciliation.
While this bit of wisdom didn’t originate with Stephen R. Covey, there’s a very good reason why he made it one of his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Seeking first to understand is rocket fuel for relationships. But as Tina points out in this episode, it’s hard to put “seek first to understand” into practice.
Learn how to reconnect with your child by joining the Reconnection Club, an online school and support hub for parents estranged from adult children. Learn more at reconnectionclub.com/learn-more.
Not every adult child who’s estranged from parents is emotionally immature. But in some cases, emotional immaturity is something that parents who want to reconnect with a particular child have to take into account. Tina lists four things you can do to maximize the chances of successful reconciliation with an emotional immature adult child.
In this episode, Tina describes specific problems created during estrangement by the parent’s low self-esteem, and what you can do to improve your self-concept.
She also talks about why adult children become estranged after going into therapy. It may not be why you think it is.
Your semi-estranged adult child might seem to be coming around. They’re back in contact. They agree to a meeting. The meeting goes great…
But then just like that, they’re gone again.
Frustrated and resentful, many parents become wary of all contact with their child. They’re not sure if they can trust him to stick around. They’re wary about opening their hearts and getting hurt again.
In this episode, Tina encourages you to think about patterns and context. It’s likely that your child’s behavior, when understood in these terms, makes a lot more sense than it seems to.
Tina often says that reconciliation is a process, not an event.
In this episode, she discusses specific stages of learning that parents must traverse in order to get to the ultimate prize of permanent reconciliation with their children.
For many moms whose adult children are estranged from them, Mothers Day inspires dread. But at the same time, there’s a secret light of hope shining inside. Maybe your child will reach out to you even if s/he hasn’t done so recently. Maybe s/he will take the opportunity to reconnect on your special day.
For most parents of estranged adult children, Mothers Day and Fathers Day turn out to be disappointing events. The day only serves to remind them of what they don’t have: A close relationship with their adult child(ren). They can’t put the day behind them fast enough.
Don’t be one of the thousands of parents who curl up in a ball and wait for the day to pass. Or who make plans to go to brunch or a movie, but still find the day depressing on the whole.
While you can’t control whether your child reaches out to you on Mothers Day, you can control your own experience to a greater degree than many estranged parents realize.
In this episode, Tina walks you through four steps to a better Mothers Day, “no matter what.”
So whether or not you hear from your child on your special day, plan to make it a good day. Have something to write on while you listen to this one; you might want to start brainstorming.
Have you ever sent a text or email to your estranged adult child that you later regretted?
Most rejected parents have done something like this at one time or another. If you haven’t yet, you probably will… unless you listen to this episode.
This episode is for everyone whose now-estranged adult child used to be their best friend. Moms and dads whose children appeared to thrive on friendship with the parent, now find themselves rejected by those very children.
What happened to that delightful bond? Those long talks about everything and anything? The sharing, the connection, the enjoyment of each other… Where did it go?
Friendships that begin when children are still at home sometimes don’t survive when the child grows up. She finds friends her own age, and begins to prefer their company, leaving the parent behind.
When the friendship ends and estrangement sets in, it’s a double-whammy. The parent feels as though he’s lost both a child and a friend. If the parent and child went through a divorce together, the parent may feel more alone than ever now.
At this point, the parent has two choices: Keep trying to re-establish that friendship, or step out of the role of (replaceable) friend, and into the role of “Parent with a capital P,” the ideal parent. Tina argues that Parents are more valuable than friends.
But of course, companionship shouldn’t be lost to those whose children grow up and away. It’s necessary to have or create connections with peers that feel supportive and fun. Not as a consolation prize, but as a healthy alternative to relying on a child who’s pulling away.
Don’t go through estrangement alone. If you’re not already a Reconnection Club member, join our mailing list and get our checklist of the “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child.” (Members can find that document in our library inside the Club.)
Estrangement from an adult child is difficult, but when a birthday comes around, it becomes complicated as well. Should you send her a gift? A card? An email? Or nothing at all?
What’s the etiquette for recognizing an estranged child’s birthday?
There’s no rulebook to go by, but common sense suggests that there are two ways to handle birthdays during an estrangement. The first is to respect your child’s request for no contact. This keeps it simple, but what if it doesn’t feel quite right in your case?
You can always dial down the level of what you usually offer. In this episode, Tina describes different ways to dial down typical birthday behavior, such as sending gifts, cards, and money.
She also offers a practical suggestion for handling “big” birthdays (like 30), where it just wouldn’t feel right not to acknowledge such a milestone.
If you’re worried about your child feeling abandoned if he doesn’t hear from you on his birthday, Tina offers a perspective that just might change your mind.
If you’re not already a member of the Reconnection Club, please keep in touch. Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
It’s discouraging for parents when estrangement from an adult child continues for weeks, months or years without any apparent progress.
When your heart-felt letter is returned unopened, you ask yourself, “Now what do I do?” Taking action is the preferred response to painful silence. But it’s not necessarily a productive one.
In this episode, Tina explains why sometimes the best answer to “What should I do next?” is nothing at all. There is wisdom in waiting. Power in silence. Peace in having faith that progress can happen under the surface without your knowledge or participation.
Particularly if your child has asked for space, less is more. Remember that keeping your distance is doing something: It’s honoring the request you’ve received.
From the episode: “When taking action makes a mess, practice the art of doing less.”
It’s bad enough to be estranged from your adult child, but when other relatives stand by and watch without attempting to help, you feel twice burned. Once by the rejection, and again by the abandonment of passive family members.
Why do people who supposedly care about you continue to communicate with an estranged adult child who’s breaking your heart?
Why do they insist on posting pictures of your child on their social media pages, where they know you can see them?
Why do they favor the child with their friendship, instead of standing in solidarity with you?
These are good questions, and they do have answers. For the most part, relatives are not out to hurt you with these types of behaviors.
There’s also some evidence that family members are more uncomfortable than you may realize about being “caught in the middle” (see the link below to a recent study).
In this episode, Tina provides insight into this excruciating situation, along with advice on what to do if you have one or more relatives who are still in contact with your estranged adult child, but don’t appear to be doing anything to help end the estrangement.
Research paper --Taking Sides and Feeling Caught (2019):
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/337165996_Taking_sides_and_feeling_caught_Communicative_complications_for_immediate_family_members_of_estranged_parent-child_dyads
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
Inspired by a member's post entitled "To Reach Out or Not?" in the Reconnection Club forums, Tina addresses the question of contact in the shadow of the novel coronavirus.
Members can find the discussion, "To Reach Out or Not?" in the General Discussion forum at reconnectionclub.com.
To learn more about the Reconnection Club, go to reconnectionclub.com/learn-more.
Ah, reconciliation. At last, you’ve attained the brass ring. Your adult child, previously estranged, is now back in touch. Everything’s great again.
Or is it?
Parents are largely unprepared for the fact that reconciliation is a process, not an event. Once you’re back in regular contact, there’s often a new set of challenges to face.
What will you and your child talk about?
When will you be able to let your guard down?
How will you avoid a repeat performance of the rejection you managed to overcome?
In this episode, Tina describes four common post-reconciliation challenges and what parents can do about them.
Have you reconciled with your estranged adult child? Please let Tina know what else you’ve noticed about this delicate stage of the relationship. Email Tina at podcast (at) reconnectionclub (dot) com, or tweet to her on Twitter, @reconnectclub.
“You should get therapy.”
Has your adult child said those words to you? Have they made therapy a condition of continuing the relationship?
Being told to seek therapy is no one’s idea of a compliment. But for parents of estranged adult children, it may be the start of a fantastic voyage into their own inner depths. Not to mention an unexpected portal to a better relationship with themselves and their child(ren).
What does it mean when a child suggests therapy, and what should you do if they say it’s a condition of reconciliation?
Is there anything to be gained if you don’t even want to be there? Should you go to therapy anyway?
In this episode, Tina gives five things to think about if you’re one of the many parents urged to seek therapy by an unhappy adult child.
In the end, any advice your child gives you on the way out the door is worth at least a look. Why? Your child knows you pretty well. And he won’t bother making suggestions unless he cares – at least a little bit – about the outcome.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
Many parents of estranged adult children feel like they’re in a revolving door with their child. One moment they’re in contact, the next they’ve gone radio silent again.
Researchers call this periodic or cyclical estrangement, and it’s a dangerous pattern. Just like author Harriet Brown (Shadow Daughter), adult children can decide one day that they’ve had enough. For good.
Even in that case, parents needn’t give up. It’s never too late to make repairs once you learn how. But why not heal the relationship now, so that it doesn’t ever get to that point?
Tina talks about the root cause of this back-and-forth pattern, and what parents must do to break the cycle for good.
For much more detail on how to go about repairing your relationship, order Tina’s forthcoming book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship.
Pre-order on Amazon
Pre-order on Barnes & Noble
Pre-order on IndieBound
There’s no question that estrangement from an adult child is painful for rejected parents. But many parents suffer even more than necessary, because they believe their child is willingly hurting them.
Nobody wants to think of their child as heartless, cruel, mentally ill, easily brainwashed, or any of the other qualities often attributed to people who estrange themselves from family.
Instead, Tina suggests throwing out unsatisfying and inaccurate explanations, and relying instead on the mental model of Hanlon’s Razor:
“Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by neglect.”
Tina puts an estrangement spin on that model to help parents understand and come to better terms with why estrangement happens.
This episode also includes a brief discussion about the difference between estrangement and the silent treatment.
Is your estranged adult child the black sheep of the family? If so, there are things you need to know about how to reach out and try to reconnect.
This episode features an excerpt from Tina’s interview with Dr. Elizabeth Dorrance Hall, a professor of Communication at Michigan State University. Her research on the experiences of people who identify as the “family black sheep” has revealed information that family members, especially parents, need to understand.
The black sheep of the family is usually someone different in noticeable ways. They may be the only one who’s unmarried, didn’t go to college, doesn’t work in the family business, or practices a different religion, lifestyle, or diet. They may consider themselves underachievers compared to their siblings.
To find out how being a black sheep might contribute to estrangement from family, Tina asked Dr. Dorrance Hall for advice for parents whose estranged adult child happens to be the black sheep of the family. Or as Dr. Dorrance Hall calls them, marginalized family members.
When it comes to repairing relationships, knowledge is power. This episode provides parents with some instructions on bridging the gap between the black sheep and the rest of the family.
The episode ends on a hopeful note: Estrangement as an ongoing, active process. It’s not a forever decision made once and never revisited.
Reconnection Club members will find the complete interview with Dr. Dorrance Hall about the family black sheep in our Library at reconnectionclub.com/library. It’s part of our collection of helpful conversations with experts, under the “Interviews” tab.
Although estrangement from family isn’t normal for young adults, a normal phase of development can contribute to your child’s need for distance.
In this episode, Tina briefly explains individuation and differentiation, and why these natural processes sometimes require distance from family.
More importantly, she talks about specific steps you can take if you suspect your child’s estrangement is largely or wholly motivated by a developmental phase.
Whether your child is 19 or 39, a phase of development can contribute to a sudden pulling away. That’s why it’s important not to personalize an adult child’s need for space.
Not taking the behavior personally is just one of six tips for parents of young adults who may be going through individuation and differentiation.
Here are Tina’s tips for coping with developmentally-motivated estrangement:
- Redefine your child’s behavior.
- Give her the space she’s asking for.
- Focus on personal development.
- Assess your social network.
- Don’t give in to irrational fears.
- Grieve what you’ve actually lost.
Differentiating between thoughts and feelings is an ongoing task that can take a lifetime to master. Your child isn’t the only one capable of developing new skills. Use the current estrangement as a catalyst to grow as a person. See the link below for help with managing difficult emotions.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
“What if my child never speaks to me again?” This is the worst fear for many a parent who’s estranged from their adult child(ren).
Few cases of parent-adult child estrangement are truly hopeless. But there are three that just might have you making your peace with never reconciling.
In this episode, Tina discusses three circumstances where reconciliation is, in her opinion, unlikely. The first two have to do with the personal characteristics of your child – over which, of course, you have no control.
The third circumstance, in which the adult child accuses you or someone close to you of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, doesn’t have to be hopeless. Yes, even if you disagree with your child about the abuse, or don’t believe it ever happened, reconciliation can still be achieved.
Tina talks about options you might want to exercise for best results in all three cases.
If you’re having trouble in any relationship…
Especially if you’re the parent of an estranged adult child…
You can’t afford NOT to be good at apologies.
We know that people who estrange themselves from family don’t do it to be hurtful. They do it because they feel hurt in those relationships. They’re protecting themselves.
That’s why apologies are sometimes the only communication that can break through a wall of silence. Until they receive an apology, anything else is not that interesting to someone who feels hurt.
In this episode, Tina describes three elements of a good apology. Without all of these being included, your apology to your adult child (or anyone else) may fall flat.
If you’ve ever received the pseudo-apology, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” you know that apologies don’t always melt the ice. That particular version misses the mark in every way.
Find out how to craft a truly effective apology to make repairs and/or progress in any relationship.
And if you’re worried about coming across as insincere, rest assured that it’s impossible to use the elements described in this episode without the apology coming from your heart.
If you like this episode, please don’t be a stranger…
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
Not every parent estranged from their adult child (or children) is in exactly the same place, emotionally or spiritually, during the estrangement.
From observation, Tina hypothesizes that parents go through five predictable stages. And just like the stages of grief observed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, not everyone goes through all of them, and the stages don’t necessarily follow a particular order.
In this episode Tina describes the five stages of estrangement and the tasks inherent in each one.
Parents who accomplish the stage-dependent tasks can progress to a better state of mind and develop reconnection skills along the way.
While Tina often refers to reconciliation as the "reconciliation phase" of estrangement, reconciliation per se isn’t one of the five stages. Like the stages of grief, the stages of estrangement are psychospiritual, not logistical.
Thus, while you may be in a reconciliation phase in your relationship with your child, you’ll also be in one of the five stages of estrangement described in this episode.
What’s the difference between estrangement from your biological child vs. an adopted child, particularly when that child is of a different race, or comes from a different country?
Eli Harwood of the PASS Center in Denver, Colorado answers that question for us on today’s episode.
This episode will be of interest to both adoptive and biological parents who want to make sure they’re on the same page with their adult children when they communicate with them.
Tina shares an excerpt from her interview with Eli, who co-founded the PASS center to provide training and counseling around adoption issues for both therapists and adoptive families.
In this excerpt, Eli also talks about:
Why adoption can create a setup for later parent-child estrangement,
Why trying to make things okay for an adopted child of a different race can backfire,
Why love itself might not be enough to create a strong bond with an adopted child,
And what parents can do to try to repair the relationship once their adopted child is an adult.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
When adult children cut off contact with their parents, their silence can be excruciating. But that’s largely because of the way that silence gets interpreted.
Here are some particularly painful interpretations of silence:
- “I hate you.”
- “You’re not worth a reply.”
- “You mean nothing to me.”
- “I’m never going to talk to you again.”
No wonder it’s so painful when your child stops responding. And no wonder so many parents reach out to estranged adult children even when they’ve been asked for no contact.
But silence doesn’t always mean what you think it means. This episode presents five alternative ways to interpret your child’s silence.
These are based on Tina’s experience as a therapist working with adults who cut off their parents, and also on research into why adult children estrange themselves.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
Rejected parents sometimes say things like, “My child has made a lot of bad choices. She’s miserable, and according to her, it’s all my fault.”
In other words, the adult child is choosing to blame her parent or parents for her problems.
Treating them like garbage because she feels bad about herself. Turning parents into scapegoats.
Blaming someone else for our problems is common, but we usually blame people who are in some way involved. So if your child has at least average intelligence, why would he blame you for something you’re not involved in? It doesn’t make sense.
Such adult children are certainly expressing anger and disappointment in the parent – there’s no question about that part – but the cause of those feelings may be something a little different than what's often suggested.
This episode explores what might really be going on when a parent seems to be scapegoated by an adult child, and how parents can possibly break through this painful dynamic.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
Even estranged adult children will sometimes get into text exchanges with their parents. Especially if your child is young, he or she may need to engage in logistical conversations with you about things like phone bills, car insurance, or college tuition.
Which is to say that not every estranged adult child is completely radio silent 100% of the time.
If you sometimes text with your estranged child, you’ll want to know what to do if your text exchange suddenly goes off the rails.
In this episode Tina talks about how to know if your texting has gone badly, and the 5 steps to take in order to make repairs.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
At last, your child is back in touch! And while it feels wonderful to be close again, you don’t want to say or do the wrong thing.
You instinctively know what the research has shown, which is that estrangements can and do happen over and over again within the same parent-child relationship. And every time your child becomes estranged, you don’t know if this will be the last time.
So you’re walking on eggshells, hyper-aware of your behavior and wondering if you’ll ever calm down about the whole thing.
You may also be dealing with some hurt feelings left over from when your child was rejecting you. And you have to figure out what to do with those feelings, and how not to let them out around your child, in case you accidentally push him away.
Which is why you can’t relax, even though technically you’ve reconciled.
What you’re experiencing is normal. It’s part of what Tina refers to as the circle of change. It’s a journey from where you started to where eventually you’ll end up. And some parts of it are quite uncomfortable.
In this episode, you’ll learn about the circle of change, and how you’ll eventually get to a more relaxed state with your child if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
At some point, if you’re estranged long enough, something will come up that will make you wonder, “Is it okay to contact him about this?”
This is not an easy decision for estranged parents. Especially if your child has asked you to reduce or eliminate contact for the time being, should you go against her wishes in special cases? And what constitutes a special case?
Reconnection Club members sometimes talk about contacting their children "only when necessary." We've got a flowchart in our library with suggested paths for making that decision. However, Tina walks you through the basics here.
This episode looks at two types of events – happy/scheduled and unhappy/sudden. You’ll find out whether and how to communicate with your child about each of these.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
You might seek out an estrangement specialist for therapy, because you want someone with a certain amount of compassion for what you’re going through – probably someone who’s been there.
This is true of most estrangement specialists. Apart from your podcast host, Tina Gilbertson, most professionals who specialize in estrangement coaching are, or have been, involved in their own estrangements.
In this episode, Tina shares both good and bad news. The bad news is that estrangement specialists are exceedingly hard to find, and there probably isn't one near you.
The good news is, you really don’t need a specialist in estrangement, or even someone who’s been there themselves, to get good support.
Research on compassion for distress indicates that people who’ve been there and overcome estrangement may be less, not more, compassionate than people who’ve never experienced what you’re going through. That's counter-intuitive, but apparently true of these folks as a group (not necessarily as individuals).
To find a caring and competent therapist, use the suggestions outlined in the episode,
Links:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
When it comes to behavior from your child that surprises you, what seems out of character may actually be an adult child expressing an essential part of who she is.
How you respond to out-of-character behavior will probably have some impact on the relationship. Whether the effect is ultimately positive or negative, is up to you.
Here’s the quote from T.S. Eliot, recited in this episode:
“We die to each other daily. What we know of other people is only our memory of the moments during which we knew them. And they have changed since then. To pretend that they and we are the same is a useful and convenient social convention which must sometimes be broken. We must also remember that at every meeting we are meeting a stranger.” (T.S. Eliot)
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
For parents estranged from adult children, it’s not easy getting through the holidays.
This episode contains six survival tips to help see you through a potentially difficult time of year.
One of the ideas mentioned, perhaps not surprisingly, is to volunteer (as long as you’re up for it mentally, emotionally and physically). Not only can helping others boost your mood, but it’s easier than ever to find things to volunteer for in December. See the links below to get started.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
Links:
https://www.volunteermatch.org/
https://www.unitedway.org/get-involved/volunteer#
https://volunteer.ca/index.php?MenuItemID=355
https://www.gov.uk/volunteering
https://www.volunteer.com.au/
Like everyone else, you made your share of mistakes in parenting. But you weren’t so horrible that you deserve to be treated like a criminal. Although child abuse is a cause of many estrangements, you didn't abuse your child.
So why won’t your adult child cut you some slack? Why is she demanding that you apologize?
(If you or your spouse or partner ever abused your child, then a series of sincere apologies is obviously called for. I also recommend therapy to help you understand and heal from your part in the legacy of abuse.)
It can be galling to be asked to apologize for imperfect but non-abusive parenting. This episode explores the question of whether to apologize if you’re not actually guilty of anything out of the ordinary.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
The question of how often to reach out to an estranged adult child is probably one of the top concerns of rejected parents. That’s mostly because they’re in a hurry to resolve the situation, which is understandable. They want to know how soon they can try again.
If you’re feeling anxious about when you can or should contact your estranged child, please listen to Episode 1 to get another perspective.
Unfortunately, there’s no formula that every parent can apply when it comes to a schedule of contact. Some should probably step back entirely for a while, others have adult kids who might actually respond to weekly texts, and there's a whole range of conditions in between.
Nevertheless there are several facts that every estranged parent should probably be aware of when thinking about a contact plan.
This episode explains why less is most likely more when it comes to reaching out to your child, especially if he or she has asked for no contact.
We talk a lot about contact schedules inside the Reconnection Club, and there’s a monthly Q&A call where you can ask a question specific to your situation. To learn more about Club membership, visit reconnectionclub.com/learn-more.
Here in the U.S., Thanksgiving Day will soon be here. In this season of gratitude, many estranged parents continue to send gifts to their estranged adult children without receiving a thank-you.
Why do adults who were raised with good manners behave rudely? Consider it a red flag and stand down; the scary truth is that you could actually prolong your child’s estrangement by continuing to send cards or gifts that get no response.
This episode goes into five reasons why parents shouldn’t send any more gifts to estranged adult children if they haven’t been well received in the past.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
It's incredibly sad and distressing to be estranged from your adult child or children. Yet a positive attitude can make life more manageable, no matter what’s going on.
Being more positive is good for both mental and physical health. But adopting such an attitude is so much easier said than done, when you're estranged from your own child!
You can’t feel more positive just by wanting to. But the good news is, you can adopt particular behaviors that tend to lead to more positive emotions. Behavior is a direct path to motivation and other positive feelings.
In this episode, Tina shares a couple of actions you can put into practice today to stay more positive, even while you’re estranged from your adult daughter or son.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
Taking responsibility is not the same as accepting blame. Blame is punitive, destructive, and a dead end.
Responsibility, on the other hand, is constructive. Responsibility says, “I’ll take on this challenging task.”
Taking responsibility for your relationship with your estranged adult child is an intentional act that puts you in the driver’s seat. If you want to see changes in your relationship or your life, you must consciously take the wheel and do what you can to make it happen.
Don’t worry that accepting responsibility means it’s all your fault. In this episode, Tina gives an example of a situation in which there’s zero blame, but 100% responsibility.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
Whether your adult child lives in the same city as you, 100 miles away, or on the other side of the globe, it’s always possible that you could be faced with sudden, unexpected contact.
What if he calls or texts you out of the blue? What if you bump into her at the farmer’s market? You may be surprised by spontaneous contact, but you don’t need to be unprepared.
This episode offers parents 4 steps to prepare for unforeseen contact with your estranged adult child.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
While you certainly can’t force your adult child to communicate with you, there are skills you can employ the next time you do have contact that will help them want to talk to you.
This episode outlines three things to get good at if you want to become your child’s (or anyone else’s) favorite confidant.
If you don’t currently have contact with your child, that’s okay. These skills require practice. Use the time available to try these with your spouse, friends, or even other relatives.
Once you become someone people look forward to talking to, you’ll know you’ve sharpened your skills enough to attract more conversation from your child when he or she is ready.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.
A good apology is the ultimate relationship repair tool, and a must for anyone estranged against their wishes.
Still, many parents are hesitant to embrace the idea of apologizing to their estranged adult children. I’ve thought a lot about why this is, and have come up with what I call the “Four Horsemen of the Apology.”
These are things that get in the way of parents making use of this incredibly effective tool.
In descending order of severity, the four horsemen are trauma, low self-esteem, fear of vulnerability, and concerns about fairness.
Traumatized parents don’t see an apology as a tool to help them get what they want. They often have difficulty taking perspective, because a traumatized brain is understandably focused on self-preservation. (It’s not safe to step outside your own awareness as long as there’s a threat.)
They also don’t want to take the blame for an estrangement that may remind them painfully of having been abused themselves. The past superimposes itself on the present in painful and destructive ways.
The second horseman is low self-esteem that says, “If I apologize, that means I made a mistake.” And that’s intolerable to someone with injured self-esteem because it seems to confirm their worst fears about themselves.
The third horseman is fear of vulnerability, characterized by the belief, “If I apologize, my apology can be used against me.” I demonstrate in this episode why this is more fear than fact.
The fourth and last thing that makes apologies hard is our universal desire for fairness. It’s trained into us from the time we’re young. It just doesn’t feel fair to apologize when we’re not the ones engaging in hostile or distancing behaviors AND when we tried to do the right thing.
It’s perfectly okay to wish that things were fair. Yet as the person who wants to reconnect, it’s up to you to apologize if you want to try to open the door. Why? Because it might be the only thing that works.
Suggestions for overcoming the four horsemen are offered in this episode.
This episode was inspired by this post in the Community forums inside the Reconnection Club:
"Sometimes I wonder if my daughter is getting some kind of 'cheap thrill' at my expense. I keep contacting her but she doesn’t contact me. Yet she throws me a 'crumb' in response. She knows I want to see her, but she has the power to make sure we don’t."
In case you’re in a hurry, the answer is no. Estranged adult children get no thrill whatsoever from cutting off parents. Even though you may feel powerless in the face of the estrangement, I'm willing to bet your child doesn’t feel all that powerful.
If you think a lion is going to attack you and you run away, is that a powerful act? It’s awful to think about, but your child is viewing you in the same way you might view a powerful lion, who might actually chase him or her. That’s why s/he estranges.
When your only power lies in removing yourself from a situation, that’s not a powerful place to be.
In this episode, I read a text from an anonymous estranged adult that shows how little power these folks experience in withholding themselves.
And yet rejected parents also feel powerless. They don’t wish to harm their children, and can hardly conceive of being viewed that way.
It’s all about perception.
Recognize the fact that if your adult child isn’t talking to you, or isn’t responding as much as you’d like, it’s not because they’re toying with you.
It’s because the only power they have in the face of a relationship that didn’t feel good to them the last time they were engaged in it, is to remove themselves.
You have so much more power in the relationship than you realize. Your child is in control of one thing: Showing up. But you’re the one who has the power to set the tone for the relationship
Working your way back to an adult child when they’ve cut off contact is a time-consuming process. This is maddening, when all you want to do is to reconcile and reconnect as quickly as possible.
But haste makes waste, because being in a hurry almost always means making mistakes. This is true for any important endeavor. Today we discuss 3 common mistakes parents make in reaction to their adult child’s distancing. These are drawn from the “Top 7 Mistakes to Avoid” checklist at reconnectionclub.com, which you can get when you sign up for our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list.
It’s natural to be in a hurry to reconcile, especially because of the mistaken belief that if this isn’t fixed right now, it won’t be fixed at all. It’s a myth that the best (or only) time to reconcile is as quickly as possible. There may be reasons why now is not the best time for you and your child to come back together. Review Episode 1: Time can be your friend. The other myth that sends parents into a tailspin is that estrangements get more entrenched over time. This is not necessarily true and definitely not helpful. The fact is, haste makes waste.
Ignoring a no-contact request, if you’ve received one, is another mistake that’s all too common. It may be difficult to honor that request, but think about how ignoring such a request might come across to your child: It’s as if you’re saying, “I don’t care how you feel or what you want. I want to contact you anyway.” If your child is unhappy with you, your position won’t go over well. In this episode I explain why honoring a no-contact request is not the same as doing nothing.
Acting from emotion is hard to avoid when something so important is at stake. But of course, the more important something is, the better it is to take your time and be intentional about how you handle it. Since emotions aren’t at all intentional, acting from a place of emotional need usually doesn’t serve the estranged parent. Especially when the parent’s needs conflict with those of the adult child. Being strategic doesn’t mean being cold; it just means thinking through your actions and their consequences before taking any steps.
Get the “Top 7 Mistakes to Avoid when Reconnecting with Your Child” checklist at reconnecectionclub.com/mailing-list.
Estrangement from an adult child is what author Pauline Boss called an “ambiguous loss.” She wrote a book by that name in 1999, and although she didn’t talk specifically about estrangement, the circumstance definitely qualifies as similar to a familiar member being missing in action, or having a disease like Alzheimer’s, in which case they’re “there but not there.” These are losses that aren’t complete, and so can’t quite be grieved.
Boss recommends two things for people experiencing ambiguous loss:
- Holding the ambiguity of the situation consciously in your mind, and
- Finding meaning, even in what seems senseless or meaningless
On this episode I talk about both of these, what they look like, and how practicing them can help you cope from day to day. You’re already making meaning from your child’s estrangement, but you’re probably thinking it means something very depressing to you, such as that you’re a failure, that you continually experience rejection for some reason, or some other equally unflattering meaning. I offer two possible alternative meanings for estrangement that might feel better and actually be more factual. One is that your child simply needs room to exist in the world without parents at the moment for his own developmental purposes. Nothing personal. The other is that there’s something within the relationship you share that your child experiences as hurtful or distressing. Neither of these is fatal, and both may be at play. I talk about a few common examples of relationship dynamics that can cause distress to an adult child without the parent being aware of it.
The more you can spend the time you have on personal development, the easier it will be to understand the meaning of what happens between you and your child, and to make any necessary repairs to your relationship.
Most estranged parents feel like time is a thief, stealing opportunities and happiness while they’re estranged from an adult child. This makes parents feel a bit desperate, so they reach out in ineffectual ways. But the reality is, you can only do so much. You can’t push the river. Fortunately, in addition to be a thief, Time is also your friend. Time heals heartbreaks and bad feelings, and can even help heal estrangement. If your child has asked for space, only Time will allow you to grant that request. Letting Time work its healing magic, allows your estrangement to evolve. Are there things you can do to repair and improve your relationship with your child? Yes, and we’ll talk about those in future episodes. But there are also factors that have nothing to do with you, that take the time they take. Meanwhile, don’t throw “good money after bad” by wasting the time you’re losing with your child. Consciously live your life as fully as you can today, because you can’t get this time back whether your child returns later or doesn’t. This isn’t about filling empty hours with meaningless activities while you wait for things to get better. This is about living the fullest, most rewarding and intentional life you can.
If you have unrealized dreams, what about investing some time in pursuing them? Focus on things that will help you feel more productive, more connected to your spouse or friends or community, more alive and in control of your own life. Time will be working in the background in the meantime, bringing about healing, growth and change. So don’t worry about taking your eye off the prize. Practice having faith that Time is not just a thief, but is also the bearer of new possibilities. Hopefully things won’t look quite so awful if you keep that in mind.
Links:
https://reconnectionclub.com/how-long-estrangement-lasts/
This episode introduces you to your host, Tina Gilbertson, and what this show is all about. I talk about where I'm coming from (and not coming from), and what I'm hoping to accomplish with this show. I also introduce you to reconnectionclub.com, the genesis of the podcast. If you’re interested in personal growth, lifelong learning and becoming your best self in addition to reconnecting with your estranged adult child, make sure you subscribe. Episode 1 is scheduled for September 2, 2019.
Subscribe today and/or join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list.