Leaning Toward Wisdom | modern tales of an ancient pursuit: Recent Episodes
Randy Cantrell
Winston Churchill said, "Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” Storytelling. That’s the methodology. It almost always involves a big idea enhanced with a variety of details and observations. Together, we're trying to lean more toward wisdom...and away from foolishness.
After investing in a backyard transformation, building a new deck, and buying my 2026 Yamaha XMAX 300 scooter, I realized it’s time to hit the pause button on discretionary spending. In this episode of Leaning Toward Wisdom, I explain why I’m beginning a financial fast on August 1 – not because of financial hardship, but because intentional restraint can restore perspective. Sometimes the best purchase we can make is deciding not to buy anything at all. Let me share the thinking behind this experiment and why spending less (and getting rid of some things) may lead to greater contentment, clarity, and freedom.
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What’s your relationship with your own money?
Happy July 4, 2026 – 250 years of American freedom. And I’m thankful.
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Watch. Listen. I think you’ll get it.
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There comes a point in life when too many people decide improvement is behind them. But growth, wisdom, curiosity, and meaningful change are still available — no matter your age. In this episode of Leaning Toward Wisdom, I explore why staying teachable, engaged, and willing to improve may be one of the greatest advantages of growing older.
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People. They’re the problem.
Not all people, but most people.
Then there’s ME. Maybe the biggest problem of all.
Forever, my wife has urged me to lower my expectations, accusing me of expecting too much. Most often, the context is somebody’s behavior or performance. I’ll remark, “I think he could have done better.” To which she’ll reply, “I’m not sure he could have.” She’s likely right. I expect too much because I always believe people, including me, can do better. It sounds like I’m being critical (which is sometimes true), but in my head, it’s not so much that. It’s more my innate belief that improvement and growth are always possible. The deeper issue for me is the belief that everybody deserves the opportunity to get better. To be better! But I could be wrong. Maybe most people are as good as they’ll ever be.
Relationships are hard. Worth it, but difficult. Okay, some are worth it. Others? Not so much. We get to decide.
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I’d have written some show notes, but I didn’t want to. Enjoy!
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Thank you. For watching. For listening. For being part of the small band of folks who give their time and attention. It’s not a small thing to me. I hope it serves you in some way, too!
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Nuff said.
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Sacrifice.
Self-control.
Self-discipline.
Temperance.
Repentance.
They’re all part of a life devoted to deprivation – a life devoted to not serving self, but a life devoted to improving self.
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An important link: https://www.youtube.com/c/LetthebiblespeakTv
Spiritual, professional, and personal – those are the areas of life. And I need to put in the work to improve them all.
Because I don’t want another year, I want a new, better year!
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• My central digital hub: RandyCantrell.com
As we close out the final day of 2025, it seems fitting to engage in two of my favorite activities: reflection and anticipation.
Links:
My other shows are GrowGreat.com (a city government leadership show) and HotSpringsVillageInsideOut.com (a show about retiring, living, and thriving inside Hot Springs Village, Arkansas).
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Happy New Year!
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Today’s topic has preoccupied (and occupied) my thoughts for decades. Boys. Girls. Men. Women. Our differences. Our wants, needs and desires. Those things we crave most. From one another, as husbands and wives. Our duties and opportunities to serve each other. To make a difference for this person we love most.
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Once we were young.
Now, we’re old. Okay, older.
Being older is good. Often, it’s great!
She was always gorgeous. I was always smitten. Madly in love.
The love affair began on Wednesday night, July 2, 1975. During a church camp meeting in Oklahoma. I asked her out on a date following church services that night. She said yes.
That orange car in the picture was our chariot. We drove around a bit. Talked a lot. Probably went to a Dairy Queen for soft drinks. I can’t remember. Eventually, I kissed her. She kissed me back. And it was all so easy. The conversation. The being together. The kissing.
But I’m ahead of myself.
First, there was her reputation. And my respect for her.
She was known for being determined to remain faithful to her convictions. We shared faith. The Faith.
She was smart, dedicated, disciplined, and intentional. The oldest of six kids.
It was evident.
It was among the top reasons I asked her out. She was beautiful, but that was bonus content.
I hadn’t been in love like this before. Ever.
This was different, and I knew it from the very first date.
Becoming a Christian was my best decision. Falling in love with her was my second best. She’s only ever taken a backseat to God.
Eighteen-year-old me would have denied ever being able to fall harder for her. But he’d have been wrong.
Did I always behave like it? Nope. To my shame. But that was primarily due to my immaturity and selfishness. Two problems I’ve experienced and that I often see in the lives of other men, too. I’m not saying it’s a uniquely male weakness, but I’m a guy and it was mine.
She’s not perfect.
But she’s pretty ideal for me.
I’m not perfect.
But I’m pretty ideal for her.
It’s our story. My story. But let’s not make this entirely about me, or her, or us.
Two ideas have been swirling in my head for as long as I can remember. One, my daily, if not hourly, fascination with her. True confession: I think of her every waking hour. And I always have. Sounds like an obsession, huh? Well, it likely is. But in a good way. It’s why many times a day I approach her, seemingly out of the blue (I’m sure that’s what she thinks), and hug her because I’ve been thinking of her a lot before I literally have to hug it out. I’m high-maintenance like that. Two, sadness that too many marriages fail because of selfishness and pride. Mostly, I think of my own selfishness and pride because I know those are ingredients for failure for each of us. Read your New Testament, and you’ll see it more clearly — especially in yourself.
This is about us – all of us. Yes, it’s about those of us who are married. And it’s about those of us who aren’t. Because love, fascination, selfishness, and pride are both universal and individual.
Masculinity seemed all but gone until we got a new President in America. The shift back toward things our country once cherished and away from the idiocy that overtook us starting in 2009 or so has given many of us hope that men can get back to being men and women can return to their glorified place of being women. Love, pride (not the selfish kind, but the honorable kind), commitment, honor, loyalty, and merit. Those were once givens in our society. They eroded in the past couple of decades because we allowed ourselves to be manipulated away from the things we knew to be true and correct. Now, we’re seeing how bitter, hateful, and outraged the opponents to truth and right can be. But love and right are worth standing up for, and idiocy deserves to be fought vigorously. Without shame or embarrassment.
I make no apologies for being a Christian.
I make no apologies for being married to the same woman for almost 47 years.
I make no apologies for confessing that we were both virgins when we married.
I make no apologies that – because of my faith – I choose not to drink alcohol, gamble, or be promiscuous.
I don’t care that others have made fun of my stance against alcohol or drugs or illicit sex. The mocking doesn’t bother me.
I don’t care that others think putting their wives on display is better than my dedication to putting my wife on a pedestal.
I learned as a kid the value of zigging when others are zagging. If you’re devoted to truth and right, you’ll be swimming against the tide. Sadly.
When men are fascinated with their wives and maintain or grow that fascination over time, it’s not normal. It should be.
When wives respect and let their husbands lead, it’s not normal. It should be.
When husbands love their wives, as Christ so loved the Church.
Ephesians 5:24-26 “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…”Some truths are hard. Worth it and doable, but hard.Loving my wife isn’t hard. Never has been.
I know, I know. Getting it right – marrying the right person – is monumental! I got it right.
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Let’s discuss some important words:
Regrets
Wondering
Wholesome
Sacrifice
Restraint
Self-Control
Struggle
Discipline
They all can help us understand and practice wholesomeness.
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Show notes? Nah. You don’t need ’em. Not for this episode.
Enjoy!
Randy
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Today’s episode is about something we’ve all experienced, often without realizing it at the time: not knowing you’re in trouble.
Not because you didn’t see the warning signs—but because you couldn’t, or maybe you wouldn’t. Pride, foolishness, selfishness—they can all blind us. And sometimes, the most dangerous trouble is the kind we don’t know we’re in.
Important link: Let The Bible Speak YouTube Channel
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Your Story Is Their InheritanceWhy documenting your life may be the most powerful gift you leave behind
“When an old man dies, a library burns to the ground.” – African proverb
We spend our lives accumulating experiences, lessons, values, and insights — but how much of it do we pass on? Not the stuff — the stories. The moments. The decisions. The wisdom.
Your story is your legacy. And your family needs it more than you think.
Why Your Story MattersWe all come from a long line of stories, but too often they fade with time. Maybe your grandfather was a hard worker. Maybe your mother overcame something quietly heroic. Perhaps you have survived things your family doesn’t even know about.
When you document your story — even in bits and pieces — you create a bridge. A bridge between your past and their future. Between who you are and who they’re becoming.
And no, it doesn’t have to be perfect. Or polished. It just has to be yours.
What Your Family Will Miss If You Don’tWithout your voice, future generations may only have fragments:
- A photo with no context.
- A family name with no meaning.
- A vague sense that “Granddad was a good guy.”
But what if they could hear your words? Understand your decisions? Learn how you navigated heartbreak, failure, laughter, and faith?
What if they could know the real you?
That’s the kind of inheritance that lasts longer than money ever will.
How to Start Documenting Your Story (Without Getting Overwhelmed)You don’t have to write a memoir or produce a documentary. Start simple:
- Record 10-minute voice memos, sharing key moments
- Write short stories from your life in a journal
- Use prompts like: “What’s the hardest decision I ever made?” or “What do I want my grandchildren to know about love, work, or faith?”
- Create a timeline of your life’s major turning points
The key is to start. Perfection is not required. But your presence is.
This Isn’t Just About You — It’s About ThemSomebody in your family will face something you’ve already faced. They’ll need wisdom. They’ll crave connection. And when they find your words — your story — it will be like finding a flashlight in the dark.
And maybe, just maybe, your voice will speak into a moment you’ll never live to see… but your wisdom will.
That’s legacy.
And that’s leaning toward wisdom.
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Are you overwhelmed, overloaded, and constantly feeling behind? You’re not alone. Let’s explore the anxiety that comes from having too many responsibilities, too many projects, and too little clarity. Okay, more precisely, I’ll share with you my recurring sense of overwhelm in hopes it can help you with yours.
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I know, I’ve been a dog on a bone with this. Some might say, “You’re beating a dead horse!” Maybe. And maybe that’s the method to my madness in the past few episodes.
Do you know about the dead horse theory?
It’s had a long-standing place in management lore. It goes like this, according to the Internet.
The “Dead Horse Theory” is a satirical metaphor that illustrates how some individuals, institutions, or nations handle obvious, unsolvable problems. Instead of accepting reality, they cling to justifying their actions.
The core idea is simple: if you realize you’re riding a dead horse, the most sensible thing to do is dismount and move on.
However, in practice, the opposite often happens. Instead of abandoning the dead horse, people take actions such as:
• Buying a new saddle for the horse.
• Improving the horse’s diet, despite it being dead.
• Changing the rider instead of addressing the real problem.
• Firing the horse caretaker and hiring someone new, hoping for a different outcome.
• Holding meetings to discuss ways to increase the dead horse’s speed.
• Creating committees or task forces to analyze the dead horse problem from every angle. These groups work for months, compile reports, and ultimately conclude the obvious: the horse is dead.
• Justifying efforts by comparing the horse to other similarly dead horses, concluding that the issue was a lack of training.
• Proposing training programs for the horse, which means increasing the budget.
• Redefining the concept of “dead” to convince themselves the horse still has potential.
The Lesson:
This theory highlights how many people and organizations prefer to deny reality, wasting time, resources, and effort on ineffective solutions instead of acknowledging the problem from the start and making smarter, more effective decisions.
Today, let’s aim it at ourselves. Personally. Professionally. I encourage you to take it personally. Make it personal. Apply it. Learn from it. And lean toward wisdom.
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No notes today. No excuse. I’m just lazy today.
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When we learn that our behavior and choices belong entirely to us and are independent of what others do, it’s the road less traveled to becoming a better person. Rare are the people who have made up their minds to behave like that, likely because it demands a willingness to suffer wrong and move on to do what’s right. No matter what.
Self-discipline is at the heart of enduring suffering, sacrificing, exercising grace and gratitude. All hard things!
Easier things are becoming bitter, harboring resentment, and embracing a victim mentality. Hatred. Retribution. Payback. Those are all easy and require no self-control.
However, as is often the case, ease can be damaging over the long term. It makes us worse. It wrecks us. Refusing to put in the hard work of temperance ultimately comes at a high price over time.
Discipline sometimes has no involvement with others. For instance, about 3 weeks ago, I began mainly eating carnivore. I did it solely for myself, to feel better. I also hope to drop some unwanted weight, but that was secondary. Nobody else influenced my decision. I’m not doing it for anybody else. Self-discipline helps me improve my health and overall well-being.
Another area of self-discipline is spending. Since January, I’ve had some planned purchases to elevate my game as a content creator. Late last year, I made some purchases for items I’ve come to need. Much of it involves unsexing things, such as a network-attached storage (NAS) system that allows me to store large video files easily. I invested in a 4-bay device (that means I can load up four large hard drives that will work in unison). It wasn’t cheap.
I also invested in some software and other tools necessary for my current role as a content creator, producing three different shows, including this one. I started this journey around 1999, so it’s not how I started. I wouldn’t recommend spending a lot of money to start producing online content. That phone you carry around every day will do the job. I recently encouraged a friend to use his phone and a $150 wireless microphone setup, along with a cheap selfie stick tripod device. It’s a great way to start and can likely serve you well for years to come. Twenty-five years ago, that was NOT the case, so through the years, I’ve invested a significant amount of money in this craft. Until last year, that was all audio, too. New flash: audio is way cheaper than video!
Spending on anything can get out of control. It requires discipline to avoid spending, especially overspending. I’ve hit my limit – planned or otherwise. Okay, I’ve almost hit it. I’ve two items on my list that I still need to purchase, both of which are equipment-related. The most expensive of them is a computer hub so I can more efficiently connect everything to my computer instead of having three different smaller hubs. It’s a device that wasn’t previously available due to technological limitations.
After that, I’m intentionally hitting the PAUSE button on spending because I’m going into full-blown saving mode. I’m approaching this with intention, a plan, and self-discipline, just as I do with my diet.
Teddy Swims was on Q with Tom Powers, a CBC production. Here’s the YouTube link.
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A few weeks ago, Megan Moroney was on The Bobby Bones Show. She’s an emerging country music star touring with Kenny Chesney. I only know that because I’ve seen snippets of their shows on social media. Not knowing who she is or anything about her, I trolled through a short clip of Bobby Bones’s interview with her. During the interview, Bobby asked her a question that prompted an answer we can all relate to, but here’s a young lady who seems to be breaking through country music in a BIG way. But that’s hardly the whole story.
For Megan, it was country music. For me, it’s currently two things: learning to play the guitar and starting a carnivore diet.
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Thanks for watching. If you choose to listen, thanks for that, too. Other than that, I’ve got nothing. The show speaks for itself. But here are the links I mentioned (and promised to share): LetTheBibleSpeak.tv
https://hotspringsvillageinsideout.com/a-champion-bull-rider-who-loves-to-cut-hair/
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I apologize for being absent lately. Let me explain.
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He asks me, “How do you measure success?”
I have questions before I answer.
“Success in what?”
“Sales success is easy to measure. Serenity, not so much.”
Turns out he was focused on how I viewed MY success in general.
Part of the challenge of measuring or defining success is the common disease of comparisonitis.
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It doesn’t mean you’re to blame. It means you accept responsibility for yourself—for your choices, decisions, behavior, reactions, feelings—and all the rest. I’ve yet to discover a downside.
Mentioned in today’s show:
VIA Survey
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All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten: Uncommon Thoughts on Common Things by Robert Fulghum was published in 1986. It was quite the rage because it was filled with commonsense life maxims. I read it and appreciated the author’s point that even children can (and should) learn how to behave toward others.
We are almost 40 years later, and it seems like a prehistoric work of fiction. When I purchased this book, I had yet to turn 30. I had two small children and a wife I’d been married to for about nine years. Back then, the content was much less remarkable than it is today.
I appreciated Mr. Fulghum’s sentiment that kindness and courtesy are behaviors he learned as a small child, but that was then and now. When Fulghum grew up, parents trained children by providing guard rails, forbidding certain misbehavior, and encouraging proper behaviors. That’s much less visible today.
When I first read the book, I quickly realized that kindergarten didn’t teach me these things, but my parents and older folks did. Increasingly, I realized they weren’t teaching me some arbitrary rules they had constructed. Their training manual wasn’t a book by some doctor or psychologist. They were using the Bible, the Word of God.
The book focuses on fundamentals, such as the ” golden rule,” which originated in God’s mind.
John 13:34-35
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another”.
Matthew 7:12
“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”
I learned that at home while reading the Bible. I also learned it by attending worship services every Sunday, a day that was (and still is) referred to as “the Lord’s Day.” Of course, every day belongs to the Lord, but the day of worship is unique and set apart for public worship.
Hebrews 10:25
“Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day (of worship, Sunday) approaching.”
As an old man, I reflect on my training, and I’ve remained true to it because it was always based on the ultimate authority, God, and the Savior of all mankind, Jesus Christ. It wasn’t just a group of old people who littered my life, nor was it just my mom or dad imposing their will. It was a pattern for living, trained into me by these people who loved me and wanted only my best.
Over the years, I’ve leaned hard on the precepts and principles of my training and continued it. It didn’t stop when I turned 18 or 21.
The truth is, I made more dedicated, conscious efforts after I became an adult. I spent more hours studying and conversing with older mentors who continued my training. The foundation had been set, but the building didn’t begin until I was an adult, out on my own. That’s the litmus test for convictions – when you’re on your own, no longer under the thumb of anybody else, and free to choose for yourself. When that time comes, what will you do? How will you behave?
Honesty, truth, kindness, courtesy (and much more) were instilled when I was a child, but as an adult, many no longer make those choices. We justify our poor behavior, choosing to be victims of others or circumstances we don’t think we deserve.
I first saw deception at work on a stereo store showroom floor during my teen years. If a shopper was lied to about a piece of gear they considered, they might buy it. If you told the truth, they might not. My training and my conscience wouldn’t let that happen. It became easier when I realized that telling the truth worked better than telling the lies I knew others were telling. It turns out that the truth always works best.
Personality and communication play a role, but the truth and doing what’s right aren’t subjective to either one. I’ve learned that some people struggle to communicate clearly, while others overcommunicate. Some need more public adoration and attention, while others don’t want it at all. Everybody has the God-given obligation to behave in ways that please God, and these are the ways taught to all of us in scripture.
I was 27 when I first formed my business philosophy.
I’ve always been prone to candor. Telling it as accurately and honestly as I can. It’s helped me avoid confusion that otherwise may have occurred. For instance, in every business dealing, I abhor ambiguity. I abhor it in my personal life because I’ve seen much misunderstanding result from people who lack the courage (or whatever it may require) to say what they want, what they require, and what they’ll accept.
Even with explicit candor, people can still remember things the way they think they should have been. Years ago, while talking with an old businessman who was retelling a story whose facts I knew, I challenged his recollection. It didn’t happen as he said it did. When I confronted him, he said, “Well, I remember it the way it should have been.” His recollection made him the hero that he never was. Our minds can fool us into such conclusions. But we’re still wrong.
Honesty is hard if it’s not your habit. It’s harder still if you’ve not been trained to exercise it. Without fear or compromise.
Competence demands work and commitment. I believe it’s also a Bible-based principle.
Colossians 3:23-24
And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.
The Bible contains many stories and illustrations of people dedicated to their work or servitude. I sought to be the best employee, boss, and cohort possible—not because everybody always deserved it but because I was attempting to serve God through Christ.
I’ve devoted countless days to achieving greater competence. History will judge whether I succeeded.
Giving more, like all the rest of this, is not negotiable. This has been a thorn in the side of others in many business situations because I’ve always begun every business relationship by focusing on how I might benefit the other person. It’s my worldview. They need to benefit before I can think about what I want. It’s God-centered, but it also feels especially good to me.
Simultaneously, within this business philosophy, I also formed my own definition of leadership. While studying the Bible more, I also studied leadership and business more. I defined leadership as: a) influencing others to improve, b) doing for others what they can’t do for themselves and c) a focus on others (which turns out is the definition of compassion).
I don’t find it difficult to give more, but I’ve had cohorts over the years who did. My behavior wasn’t driven by being altruistic. It was driven by faith, conviction, and doing what’s right. I quickly realized it was a competitive edge, but that wasn’t the point. Have I left profits, revenues, or anything else on the table? In other words, have I failed to maximize all I might have been able to get? Sure. And I’m good with it. It feels good to be because it’s right.
Make it right. Fix it. Apologize where necessary. But don’t just say you’re sorry, actually change. The Bible calls it repentance. It’s making up your mind to change. Stop doing whatever you’re doing that’s harmful (to yourself and others), and start doing better.
Lip service is easy. That’s why the bad husband can apologize to his wife, but nothing changes. He continues to mistreat her, selfishly patching things up because he’s the most important person in the world. Repentance is hard but worthwhile. It demands self-sacrifice, which is the hardest part.
I’ve learned not to enable poor behavior. My own or others.
As a young leader, I was offered a position at a specified pay rate. After a small bit of negotiation, I agreed. I was an employee. Over time, I discovered I had made an unfavorable deal compared to my co-workers. I was underpaid. At first, I was angry, but a mentor taught me not to be angry because I had agreed. He reminded me of the Lord’s parable of Matthew 20.
1 For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which went out early in the morning to hire labourers into his vineyard.
2 And when he had agreed with the labourers for a penny a day, he sent them into his vineyard.
3 And he went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the marketplace,
4 And said unto them; Go ye also into the vineyard, and whatsoever is right I will give you. And they went their way.
5 Again he went out about the sixth and ninth hour, and did likewise.
6 And about the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle, and saith unto them, Why stand ye here all the day idle?
7 They say unto him, Because no man hath hired us. He saith unto them, Go ye also into the vineyard; and whatsoever is right, that shall ye receive.
8 So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard saith unto his steward, Call the labourers, and give them their hire, beginning from the last unto the first.
9 And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received every man a penny.
10 But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; and they likewise received every man a penny.
11 And when they had received it, they murmured against the goodman of the house,
12 Saying, These last have wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day.
13 But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a penny?
14 Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee.
15 Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good?
I immediately felt guilty because I realized I was the whiny worker the Lord spoke of. I dove into my work, continuing to do the best work of my life. Some months later, at a time I felt was appropriate, I had a meeting with my boss. I didn’t mention any co-workers but asked for a raise. I explained my reasons, and I was respectful. I reminded him of my competence and dedication and told him he knew I would continue to work as hard for his business, and I was now working for my own pay. He smiled and raised me, making me the highest-paid person among my peers (something I wasn’t chasing).
But what if it hadn’t gone as I had hoped? Would I have changed my work ethic? Would I have been angry with him for my having made a deal? We’ll never know, but I know this – I could have made whatever decision I wanted. I was just a kid but closer to adulthood than childhood. It was my call. My responsibility. Nobody else.
Which brings me to one last thing I want to mention that I learned from God’s Word as it relates to this episode – I have no right to be a victim.
God didn’t create any of us to live as victims. Yes, bad things can and do happen to us because of our sin and the sin of others. But our reaction to that sin is entirely on us. “Turn the other cheek” is the response to somebody hitting us in the face. That’s a decision we can and should make, if we aim to please God.
Was the slap deserved? Doesn’t matter. We don’t strike back.
1 Corinthians 6
7 Why do you not rather accept wrong? Why do you not rather let yourselves be cheated? 8 No, you yourselves do wrong and cheat, and you do these things to your brethren!
But if I suffer wrong, I want to feel victimized. I want to blame somebody. Or something. I want the world to know I’ve been slighted.
Sure. Do it. It’s a choice. Not a scriptural choice, but it’s a choice.
I could have lamented the deal I took when a boss offered me less than I realized I could have had. Instead, thanks to an old head, I was trained to be thankful, dig deep, keep doing good work, and figure out what I (not my boss) might do next. That helped me avoid bitterness, resentment, and all that God abhors. It was difficult but doable.
Right is right. Always.
Wrong is wrong. Always.
It’s not situational. It doesn’t depend on the circumstances or how it impacts us.
Life has taught me that God, the Supreme Creator, knows better how our lives should be lived. He knows what’s best for us. He knows that being self-absorbed is contrary to our best interests. He knows that being undisciplined hurts us. Thanks to our Savior, God understands how hard all this is, so He has done everything possible to help us. There’s only one thing God won’t do for us—something we must do for ourselves—decide.
Visit InThyPaths.com.
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I posted this on social media a few days ago.
It’s easy to desire improvement, but it’s hard to change our habits to bring about improvement.
Each year begins with the hope that 2025 will be better than 2024. Maybe it will. Maybe not.
Our habits are going to determine it.
These 2 sentences are true. Life bears witness to their validity.
Links mentioned in today’s show:
• In Thy Paths, a YouTube playlist of sermons
• A TV segment about why most New Year resolutions fail
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Happy New Year, 2025!
In the fall of 1997, I uploaded my first audio under the tagline “Leaning Toward Wisdom.” It was my documentary, the journey of a 40-year-old dad desiring to pass along whatever lessons I might. Twenty-seven years later, I’m still unsure how successful the quest has been to lean more toward wisdom and away from foolishness. But life ain’t over yet, so let the leaning (and learning) continue.
Thank you for joining the journey. I hope it benefits you.
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It started with a voicemail from a client. His message said, “I’ve got a situation – a problem. I could use your advice. Call me back.”
The problem? A relationship. A couple of relationships. At some point during my questioning him, for my understanding, he stopped and said, “What I thought was the problem may not be the problem. Guess I’d better make sure I’m solving the right problem, huh?”
That’s solid insight – especially when it’s a relationship problem.
During the holiday season, relationships are often strained. It might be a good time to examine how we solve our relationship problems.
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“My ambition didn’t allow me to fail,” said Jack Barsky, an ex-KGB spy who was a sleeper agent in the United States.
Barsky was quite successful in avoiding detection. Until he was, then no amount of ambition would prevent authorities from moving in. He stayed around his smart spots for years, navigating North American culture to spy for the Soviet Union and his faith in communism.
Barsky might argue that over time, he learned how corrupt and wretched communism was – and how he had been brainwashed to think the pursuit of Utopian socialism was the ideal course of action. Armed with high intelligence, Barsky figured out the need for his smart spots to change, so he changed his mind to become politically a modern-day conservative.
We usually think of being smart around spots regarding achievement in business or some other pursuit. Barsky reminds us that being smart around spots can – and probably should be mostly focused – on our learning ability. To see things more clearly. To remedy our delusions.
Too few of us are geniuses; even genius has a severe downside. Sometimes, we can be too smart to be wise. We may even become stupid in our genius. I’m thinking of serial killers like Ted Bundy, reputed to be high-IQ individuals who arrogantly thought they were smarter than law enforcement. But they were caught by mostly average intelligent people who stayed focused around their spots of expertise and training. With enough time and sufficient clues to follow, law enforcement often (thankfully) figures it out. As we’ve all heard about criminal behavior, criminals must remain lucky daily, while law enforcement often just needs one moment of luck to capture them.
Thankfully, most of us aren’t Soviet (or even American) spies. Or criminals. We’re just ordinary Joes and Janes going about our everyday lives. I’ve realized that it may be an act of genius to a) recognize our smart spots, b) stay around those smart spots, and c) understand if/when those smart spots disappear or change. All of it is hard. Thomas Watson’s quote makes it sound far easier than it is. And given IBM’s success, I have little doubt he mostly accomplished it.
Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon, is said to have this quote posted on his refrigerator…
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”
Perhaps Mr. Watson’s quote and that quote attributed to philosopher and poet Ralph Waldo Emerson are consistent. But Emerson’s quote sounds more difficult, doesn’t it? Seems downright daunting!
Truth is, life is daunting. Success is hard. Failure is harder! Choose your hard.
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Friday, October 18, 2024
It’s a back-porch version of Free Form Friday outside The Yellow Studio 4.0 in Hot Springs Village, Arkansas. Today is the maiden voyage of my new Sony ZVE10 II with a Sigma 16mm f1.4 lens coupled with a DJI Mic 2 wireless mic. It only took me 27 years to embrace video. Let me tell you why you may want to embrace video (or audio) right now!
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Inside The Yellow Studio
The link above is a comprehensive list of the gear inside The Yellow Studio. Assume every link is an affiliate link.
Ironically, I chose to make this an audio, not a video. Yes, that was intentional. I hope you’ll click PLAY.
It started in 1997. This podcast. It was a handheld Olympus digital recorder. No SD card. Just built-in memory. It was less than $100 and I’d been using it for a while to dictate work notes and ideas.
Audio was easy. And cheap.
Well, recording it was easy. Getting it online was a bit more cumbersome. Getting it off the Internet to listen was infinitely more difficult because we knew nothing of MP3, today’s defacto standard audio file format. My digital recorder used some funky format, but it was still possible to hear it from a website with a domain name a foot long, comprised of a bunch of letters and numbers (a free web page that came with my Internet service provider – ISP – Flashnet). Somebody other than my family found it because my first email came from somebody in Sweden. It blew my mind.
It was all done with a digital recorder, a dail-up modem, and an Internet connection. Add in a bit of rudimentary HTML skills, so I could build an ugly website, and you had the first iteration of Leaning Toward Wisdom. I dubbed it that because it was what I was trying to do – lean more toward wisdom and away from foolishness. I was 40 years old and that was 27 years ago.
Within a few years, I got serious. I registered LeaningTowardWisdom.com and invested a few thousand dollars (okay, probably closer to three thousand) for a rack of equipment and a couple of Heil PR40 mics (an amateur radio operator friend recommended them). That was The Yellow Studio for many years, recording into a Mac computer using software I can’t remember until I found Twisted Wave, a Mac audio recording/editing software recommended by a voiceover actor friend.
I bumbled along for a few more years. My audio quality was a point of pride and I was regularly complimented for it thanks mostly to good room acoustics thanks to a ton of books AND to Aphex 230 voice processors (one for each mic, I had two). My broadcast workflow meant that whether I was on Skype (later Zoom) or recording, my audio quality was always the same.
I went for years without investing anything more. That rack of gear and those two Heil microphones were stapmles inside The Yellow Studio for years. Audio was easy. And after that initial investment, cheap. The ongoing costs were maintaining domain names and website hosting (I hosted my own audio files for years before learning I should get a media host). Eventually, I found MapleGrove Partners thanks to a buddy, Jim Collison. They would host my site and my media files because they’re podcast-friendly like that. But beyond that, I had no real costs.
People entered podcasting trying to figure out how to do it as cheaply as possible and I never understood it. I don’t hunt. Or fish. Or bowl. Or golf. I don’t collect anything (well, I once collected books…but only to read). I had no hobbies except this. That’s still the case. Buddies who were into all of those things (and more) would regularly spend hundreds or thousands of dollars every year. Most of them weren’t wealthy. They were just ordinary guys who enjoyed whatever they were in to. They didn’t think twice about investing in hobbies they loved. I loved podcasting and I had saved for a good while before buying my initial setup. Admittedly, I made a sizeable investment, but it was calculated, planned and well thought out. It stood the test of time, too. I produced untold podcast episodes with that rig.
Then Rode, an Australian company, bought Aphex, the makers of my favorite vocal strips, responsible for how my podcast sounded. It didn’t affect me…until it did. Around 2019, Rode introduced a mixer with Aphex technology built in. Wait a minute, what? My thousands of dollars in a rack that sat just to my right could all be replaced by a single little mixer that would sit on my desk. All that cable could be replaced by just a few cables. I could connect my iPhone to it and take/record phone calls. And all for less than $1000. Sign me up.
My audience here at Leaning Toward Wisdom helped me buy it. It was my first time ever asking for anything, but boy did the crowd respond. I was grateful. I knew I’d sell my rack of gear and more than offset buying that first Rodecaster Pro, but I needed the Rode mixer before I unplugged and sold everything or The Yellow Studio would be down. I didn’t want to miss a beat and the audience stepped up in a big way.
In June 2021 I launched a new podcast – I had long had two, Leaning Toward Wisdom and Grow Great (my work podcast). This one was about a newly found favorite place, Hot Springs Village, Arkansas. I first discovered the Village in the Fall of 2018. We kept visiting and loving it more and more each time. It’s such a unique place I had so many questions that I couldn’t find answers to, I decided to find the answers and do it via a podcast, Hot Springs Village Inside Out. I dubbed it that because of 26,000 acres of awesomeness inside the Village and many miles of coolness outside, too. I recruited a guy who appeared to be right for a co-host, a Native Arkansas guy who lived in the Village and seemed to know quite a bit. He’d be my resident expert and I’d be myself, the naive curious guy who loved the place.
So it began. And it grew. And grew some more. In time, it was the first podcast I’d ever done that I even thought about monetizing. We said YES to two sponsors (advertisers). They help us pay the bills and provide my co-host and me with what amounts to really crappy paying part-time jobs, but we could not be happier! They’re great.
About 18 months ago I started getting itchy to elevate our show about the Village. It’s such a spectacular place audio just doesn’t do it justice. Our audience is largely folks who have never visited the place, but are interested in coming to visit. Some want to check it out to see if they might want to make it home. Besides, I wanted to capture the beauty and vibe of the place. That was going to require video.
I’m an old audiophile who spent almost all my adult life in and around great-sounding stereo systems. So it’s no surprise that audio was my cup of tea. At the same time, I have to confess that when I was in junior high I got a super 8mm camera. Fifty feet of film, that had to be professionally developed, produced about 3 minutes of video. I had a projector, too. I shot as much video as I could afford, which wasn’t very much. My video bug goes way back, but audio was just more practical, more portable and cheaper.
Hot Springs Village deserved and demanded video. I began a major research project. I asked millions of questions of dozens of photographers and videographers. I took copious notes. I kept asking questions. This was not going to be cheap! Some guys suggested gear that I knew I’d never able to operate. Others try to shoehorn me into how they’d do things, but none of them were producing the kind of show we were – and the one I most wanted to produce. I was growing increasingly frustrated with all the contradictory advice and I knew I’d also have to wrangle my extroverted, unfocused co-host so I kept pushing the research forward. All the way stowing away some money.
I decided to ask my audience if they wanted to help. Why not? I told them why. They responded. I was aiming at $1000, full well knowing I’d invest more than that. When I got kinda close to that number I stopped asking and pulled back. I was going to make this investment, Lord willing, but I had to make sure I was buying gear we’d use. And gear we’d use a lot.
During all this I was struggling to get re-engaged with my HSV Inside Out podcast. A variety of obstacles disrupted my flow with the show. Selling a house we’d lived in for over 20 years. Moving into an apartment not far from where we’d lived. Buying a house in Hot Springs Village. Moving whatever wasn’t in our apartment into the new house in Arkansas. Juggling client work, a nice problem to have. Along the way the vibe of the show about Hot Springs Village wasn’t going at all as I had planned so I was wrestling with more moving parts than I was used to. I’m focused. Purposeful. Intentional. Mostly, I’m strategic. Those weren’t things I was able to deploy with this podcast I loved so much. Instead I was taking a backseat and surrendering my original goal and vision — and I was growing more and more intent on getting things back on track. Video was going to help me do that. It was going to be a financial investment, a time investment and a major learning investment to develop skills I didn’t yet have.
Video killed the radio star, but it wasn’t a permanent death because streaming killed them both. Streaming – online content available on our phones, tablets and computers – kills it all. And yes, video is a major player. Active YouTube users are expected to grow by 346 million (+44.05%) between 2022 and 2028. Last year YouTube had almost 2.5 billion users monthly. They generated over $31B in revenue in 2023. On average, people spend 48.7 minutes on YouTube each day. The average user spends over 28 hours on the YouTube app. Over 500 hours of video are uploaded to YouTube every minute. (Source: https://www.omnicoreagency.com/youtube-statistics/) Even SubStack has embraced live video.
Video is supreme. The evidence is overwhelming. But that wasn’t my motivation. Hot Springs Village is a visual place. Words can’t describe it as well as pictures and video. It was an easy, albeit expensive, decision. Expensive in money, time, learning curve and our ability as co-hosts to learn the craft of video storytelling (something I think we still do poorly, but I’m confident we’ll get better).
For years I’ve watched one person who stands out for me because a) he’s not an attention hound, b) he’s always telling stories of people, cultures and places (which is congruent with what we hope to do at HSVInsideOut.com) and c) he’s a one-man band (except his wife does all his video editing). He’s always alone while shooting his stories and he often goes where people would shy away from some big video production. That’s why he uses an old GoPro action camera and two small wireless mics. He’s got a selfie stick and that’s it. No lights. No tripods. No cameraman. And the videos are outstanding. Mostly because he focuses on the subject and fades into the background. He’s focused on telling the best story possible and doing justice to the people, their culture and the place. He’s only in frame as needed. Instead, he keeps his subjects on screen. He takes the audience everywhere he can. The only times we aren’t tagging along is when people forbid him from shooting, which rarely happens because he’s so respectful. His wife’s video editing is extraordinary because his videos are all long-form, often running over an hour. I’ve spent hundreds of hours watching him closely to learn. He’s got years of experience over us so I’m not expecting to match his skill, but I do aspire to emulate him in ways that fit our situation. His name is Peter Santenello. You should subscribe to his channel.
Here’s a short of Peter explaining why he uses a smaller, old GoPro action camera. Then there’s some video about his early journey becoming a successful YouTuber. You’ll see why I consider him a mentor, somebody I want to emulate – and take whatever value I can to apply to what I want to do.
The more I studied the more I knew an action camera was the right choice for our show – and The Yellow Studio. I’m not a photographer or videographer. I knew we’d be out and about, in nature and settings like boat docks, rear decks, golf courses, lakes, parks, trails, and other nature settings – action cameras are ideally suited for all that. Additionally, if we did have a guest I knew some big video production would be a constraint. Intimidating.
That began the research of action cameras. There are a BUNCH of them. About the time I’d think, “This is the one,” a new model would be released. I quickly learned new models were coming out all the time. So I focused on the features we’d most need, including how easy they were to use and how reliable they were over time. By the time I had enough powder saved up to buy something two models stood out: DJI Osmo Pocket 3 (a slick gimbal-controlled camera with insanely great video quality) and the Insta360 Ace Pro (a more typical GoPro-type design with a swivel screen). I wanted two because I have a co-host and I knew if we had one set up and wanted to record different things we’d always be chasing the gear. Additionally, I knew there’d be situations where a two-camera angle would be helpful, especially whenever we did sit-down interviews with guests, or whenever the two of us did shows without a guest (something we were intent on doing more of).
I purchased both along with a Rode Mic Pro wireless mic set consisting of two mics and one transmitter, to connect to your smartphone or camera. The DJI Osmo Pocket 3 has a single wireless mic that can automatically connect to that camera.
I gave my co-host the Insta360 Ace Pro and Rode mics to use. I put it all in a hardshell backpack along with a ton of accessories making it easy to schelp around and use. I started “filming” with the DJI Osmo Pocket 3 doing trail walks, drives and other videos that I hadn’t been able to do with just audio. It was a major step up, but we weren’t very good at the craft yet. I knew it would take time and hours of work. Mostly, I knew it would require a commitment on our part.
Few things are more powerful than a mind made up. That was, and still is, THE work. Making up our minds that we want to excel at telling better stories that our audience will find valuable. We’re late to the game. In terms of how many audio shows we’ve produced, with Zoom as our only source of video…and in terms of how old we are. My co-host and I are both in our 60’s, but we’re both technically very savvy. Both of us are eager to learn. So I’m confident we’ll figure it out, but right now things are a bit painful because I see the future. I can easily envision where I want our show to be. I have to determine to drag us to where I want us to be!
These are exciting times. We were taking baby steps that felt like giant leaps. Audio was easy, even routine. Video is more difficult and we had yet to establish a routine because we didn’t know enough. I had used iMovie for years and knew I needed to step up my video editing game. That began another research project of people touting Final Cut Pro (an Apple product) or DaVinci Resolve (a Windows or Mac product with a free or paid version). Some videographers enjoy both. Many are preferential to one or the other. Almost all are heavily involved in doing fancy things we’ll never do (at least I don’t see us doing it). Things like color grading and shooting at the highest resolution possible. I wanted to shoot in 4K and have things work as seamlessly as possible. I wasn’t interested in behaving like I was some professional photographer/videographer. Never mind that I watched hundreds of hours of big-time YouTube photographer channels (I must subscribe to at least 100 or more of them).
I’ve been in the Apple Mac ecosystem since 1984 so it wasn’t a tough decision for me. I chose Final Cut Pro, figuring if I was going to learn one…that’d be the best one for me. Besides, a test flight of DaVinci Resolve proved their dashboard was overwhelming. Maybe it’ll do fancy things Final Cut Pro won’t, but none of that matters to me.
Next, I needed a training course to learn Final Cut Pro. That was an easier solution as most people referred me to Ripple Training. No, I’ve not yet jumped into the pool on that, but it’s coming up quickly. I need to learn it and I’ve watched enough to know I made a good choice.
About this time Sony released an updated version of a popular vlogging camera used frequently in the studio of thousands of YouTubers, Sony ZVE10II. More YouTubers suggested the first version than any other camera. Photographers recommended cameras costing three times as much. They would!
When the Mark 2 of the Sony ZVE10 was released people lost their minds at the updates. It went up in price significantly, but people thought it was worth the price. More and more people were telling me I’d done good with my action camera choices, but “you’re going to want a studio set up” (a camera set up inside The Yellow Studio that says in place, always ready to go). Keep in mind, I do other shows and they felt we’d could use this for our Hot Springs Village show and I could use it for my other shows, too. But that was going to be another $1000 – more if I got a secondary lens for closeup talking head videos (with a blurry background). With accessories, and this other lens, I was looking at investing another $2000 or so. That was without investing in a good quality video light for The Yellow Studio.
Truth: I had been ruminating on this in studio set up long before thinking of action cameras. I had researched single light stand set ups where everything could be mounted on a single rolling stand, kept in place and easily rolled around to change camera angles. That was a rabbit trail I hopped down for the better part of my 18-month research journey. I had found the ideal solution, finally. StrobePro made exactly what I thought I’d get IF I ever got an in-studio camera setup.
I saved more money. All the while reminding myself that I hadn’t invested in anything really since the newest Rodecaster Pro II (replacing the original). Okay, I had indulged in a new mic every now and again, but my mic collection wasn’t too crazy (I basically have four, plus two that I use for field recording if I want XLR mics). But this felt out of control. I was investing more money than I had ever invested, including the $3000 or so to build the original Yellow Studio.
About a month ago I pulled the trigger on the Sony ZVE10 II and the assorted things I needed to construct an in-studio setup, which included the StrobePro stand. Now, I’m so far beyond what I thought I’d do, and far beyond where I thought I’d be when it comes to being equipped to do good video storytelling. Thousands of dollars. Thousands of hours. And not because it’s all necessary…
The necessary part is investment, and not just money. It’s skin in the game. It’s commitment. It’s seriousness. And it’s time invested in the pursuit of something important.
An iPhone is plenty good enough to have a YouTube channel. So if you’re listening to me, don’t mistakenly think you need to invest a ton of money to begin anything. Just do it with whatever you have like I did with a handheld digital audio recorder in 1997. Keep in mind I’m not just starting out. I may be starting into video more deeply, but I’ve been at this content creation and storytelling online journey for 27 years now.
Is it overkill? Of course, it is!
Will I use it? Of course, I will. I’ll make certain.
And that may be the point. To make certain. To live without any excuses. To produce shows without any excuse, other than my limitations, most of which stem from a profound lack of talent.
An intensely narrow focus. That’s my current objective. And I know how to do it because I’ve lived most of my life exercising those muscles. For a long time, I thought it was commonplace. Life has taught me how distracted most people are. Chasing their tail. Running around like cats chasing laser pointers. Then wondering why they’ve not accomplished more. Wondering why so many pursuits die on the vine, nowhere close to being ripe enough to pick.
I’m still learning. A lot. Not just about video, but about — people, storytelling, achieving my vision, adding value – mostly, being remarkable for an audience. No matter how small. It’s why the parable of the starfish depicts one of my main north stars.
Thank you for being on the journey with me.
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Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm—but the harm does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.
– a line in the T.S. Elliot play, The Cocktail Party
It’s another episode of Free Form Friday for October 11, 2024. Enjoy.
Links:
Hot Springs Village Inside Out, the podcast – HotSpringsVillageInsideOut.com
Barry Switzer article at EPSN
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“It’s a bizarre but wonderful feeling, to arrive dead center of a target you didn’t even know you were aiming for.”
― Lois McMaster Bujold
Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you’ve found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for. — Lawrence Block
Travel light and trust in serendipity. — Mike Brown
Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.
Stories abound of people pursuing one thing and stumbling onto something else. Something better. It’s likely happened to you, too.
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John Newton said, “I am not the man I ought to be, I am not the man I wish to be. I am not the man I hope to be. But by the grace of God, I am not the man I used to be”.
He was a slavery abolitionist who had once been a slave trader. Perhaps that context provoked his statement.
I can’t fully relate to the first 3 statements in the quote…
I’m not the man I ought to be.
I’m not the man I wish to be.
I’m not the man I hope to be.
Not because I’m perfect, but because I’m dedicated to improvement. My own.
Most of the time I am the man I ought to be because a) I know what kind of man I ought to be and b) I work to be that man. More easily, I know the man I wish to be and I’m working to be that man. Ditto for the man I hope to be. For me, the terms “ought,” “wish,” and “hope” are all synonymous, but ought is the most important one.
How do YOU determine what “ought” means? What’s it based on?
Mine is based on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We all need a standard, some measurement against which we can examine ourselves.
I heard a city councilman on a YouTube video about a horrible drug scene in a major U.S. city remark on how addicts needed faith. Asked if he meant faith in God, he replied that to beat addiction – something he had done himself (he wasn’t the man he once was) – a person needed to believe in something bigger than themselves. For many, it is God. Since God is THE supreme being without a peer, it makes logical sense that it should be God.
But the term “ought” means more than having faith in something. It means having something to serve as a standard for your life. Life is filled with standards. They serve us daily.
Time has a standard. Every minute has 60 seconds. Every hour has 60 minutes. Every day has 24 hours. Every week has seven days.
Measurements have standards. One gallon contains 128 ounces. We pump a gallon of gas in our cars with some assurance that we’re getting a full gallon and not something else because the government inspects gasoline pumps to ensure they’re accurate.
These two examples occupy all of our daily lives. Without them, life would be much more chaotic.
Without standards imagine how crazy our houses would look. With no standard of measurement to follow all construction would be ridiculous.
Some try to convince us that we can establish our own rules of conduct. You get to decide what’s right for you. What you “ought” to do. And that might be very different from what I “ought” to do. But that defies the whole point of a standard, an authority.
How about I decide that a gallon of gasoline isn’t 128 ounces? It’s 150 ounces. Ridiculous! Nobody would accept my personalized “standard.” Rightly so because it’s not a standard. It’s an arbitrary desire.
And that’s what is happening today, stretched to the point of being ridiculous. The Bible contains the truth of how humans have always tried to behave when they don’t want to recognize God’s higher authority, which always has mankind’s best interest.
“Every man did that which was right in his own eyes,” Judges 21:25. It speaks of ancient Israel who rebelled against Jehovah because they did what they wanted and called it “right.” Calling it “right” or what we “ought” to do doesn’t make it so. Not unless we’re the standard bearer and in matters of right, truth, and morality…we’re not the standard. If we were then societies that once sacrificed children in the fire to false gods would have been approved. Nazi Germany would be free from condemnation because in their eyes, they saw it as “right.” No, there’s got to be some standard recognized as the authority. It’s God Almighty.
Despite modern culture’s refusal to acknowledge, much less follow, God’s standard, mankind must accept all the visible, scientific, and written testimony of God’s existence and rule. Man or woman. Boy or girl. I’m taking off on John Newton’s quote only because like him, I’m a man. It would equally apply to a woman, boy or girl. Insert the one that properly fits you. No, I don’t mean the one you identify as being. That’s tantamount to saying you think a gallon is 150 ounces, not 128. Think what you will, but you’ll be wrong.
How do I know what man I ought to be? Because I listen to and strive to obey God. God tells me in His Word what kind of man I should be. For example, in Ephesians 5 I can read about how I ought to behave toward my wife. I can measure what God says against what I’m doing. By examining myself in light of what I read, I can tell if I’m hitting the mark. Or not.
Standards. Authority. Submission.
These are the things of “ought.” They determine wishes and hopes. They also determine what once was and what is, too.
You get to choose the standards that will govern your life.
For me, it’s important that the standards be true and the consequences or rewards are established. I’ve known people who believed that the ends justify the means. So if gaining money was the desired end, it didn’t matter much the means as long as it was legal. But sometimes even questionably legal strategies might be employed if the reward was high enough. At other times compromise became easy when the dollars were high enough.
Self-regulation and self-restraint may not be part of the standards you choose. I’ve found that’s a mistake if we want to live our best life. It’s fraught with increasing selfishness that wrecks relationships, careers, and lives. Such is the life of people who follow their desires no matter what.
Self-Discipline Is Required To Be The Man I Ought To Be
October begins a “no spend month.” That means all those budgeted line item expenses sans the deposable expenses like clothes, gear, gear accessories, dining out, books, or anything else. I’ve set October aside as one month where I’m going to amplify my self-discipline in the single (but big) area of spending. I may extend it beyond October, highly likely.
Such a thing seems innocuous, but it’s an important exercise because it requires temperance (self-control). I need to work on my self-discipline muscles by using them with more intensity and vigor. We both know how it’ll go (I’ve done it before so I’ve got some historical proof). Week one will require some focus. Week two will require less focus. By week three it’ll become easier and by the end of the month, I’ll push forward with the notion of keeping it going. The game changes to see how long I can keep it going.
The rewards? More money in our bank account or savings account. Greater focus against frivolous or unnecessary spending. Growth in my efforts toward practical minimalism. Discipline that is likely to filter into other areas of my life.
The downsides? Depriving myself. The irony is self-deprivation is THE biggest reward. There is no downside to the exercise.
Learning To Adapt Is The Path Toward Personal Growth (Improvement)
Learning is a discipline. Learning itself is a learned behavior that requires focus, practice, and figuring it out.
Life is largely about figuring it out, and then assessing how we’re doing so we can figure it out again. That’s why life is such a rinse-and-repeat process. Rarely do we figure things out, then set it and forget it. External and internal forces often alter our results. We change. Life’s circumstances change. Forcing us to adapt if we want to continue making progress.
Whenever we refuse to adapt we call it “being stuck.” It’s the refusal or inability to adapt. In short, it’s a lack of learning that sticks us.
Lack of self-awareness is the major constraint. Not knowing what we should know. Not seeing ourselves accurately.
“I know, I know,” is the common refrain of teens worldwide. When in truth, they don’t know. They just don’t want to hear somebody tell them. Do that in adulthood at your peril. Refuse to see what you don’t know while whistling in the dark, “I know, I know” and you’ll escape being your best.
We have to be responsible for ourselves. It’s not a blame thing. Who cares who or what is to blame? The real issue is, “Now what?”
To learn, grow, and improve we must accept responsibility for our behavior, habits, focus, and outcomes.
Avoid those and there won’t be learning, growth, or improvement.
We get to decide, but if wisdom (learning, growth, improvement) is the goal – and it is – then we must stop lying to ourselves. Consider a few important factors. Accepting responsibility is primary. Without it, we’re hopeless to get better.
We must commit to living based on evidence. Not false evidence, but real evidence. We can think we know based on facts, but when we step back and look at more critically, we may see we’re looking at what we imagine, or what we fear. For example, a friend sends a text, “We need to talk.” What evidence do you have to alert you about the subject or tone of this meeting? None. That’s the truth. But many people will immediately see, as evidence, that this is going to be a confrontational meeting. They’ll prepare, mentally/emotionally, to enter a confrontation even though they have no evidence. They think the worst. Now, the meeting happens and the friend confesses that their marriage is crumbling and they wanted to make sure you learned of this directly from them. Remember, F.E.A.R. stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Appearing real doesn’t make it real. Don’t be fooled.
The more uncomfortable it may be, the more you’d better stop and consider it. Self-deception reigns largely because none of us enjoy facing the most uncomfortable truths about ourselves. That’s where the value is though, facing those uncomfortable truths that show us our weaknesses, flaws, and areas of greatest opportunities. Remember, in those uncomfortable truths is where are biggest opportunities abound. It’s our job to embrace them so we can get better.
How much do you want it? Only those who want to learn, grow and improve do. It’s an intentional act taken only by determined people. Even then, it’s hard work. So don’t fool yourself into thinking the lazy, unfocused, procrastinators can accomplish it. They can’t. Your willingness to change (grow) is fully in your power. You must want the ideal outcome more than you want to avoid the discomfort of facing reality – and the discomfort of putting in the work.
Who surrounds you? When you’re striving to be who you ought to be, not everybody is worthwhile. It may require you to end some relationships. People who don’t want your best are dangerous. They can appear like friends, but those who encourage poor behavior, and selfish actions (I.E. “You deserve to be happy!”) can wreck your commitment to grow. Be careful to avoid surrounding yourself with cheerleaders who encourage you to lean away from wisdom, self-sacrifice, purity, holiness, righteousness and being your best. Instead, lean into others who are pursuing the same growth goals you are – and who want you to be your best while they’re trying to be their best. Birds of a feather and all that.
Be kind to yourself during the process. Successful self-improvement isn’t built on self-flagellation. Berating yourself, even when you mess up, isn’t going to help. Yes, be quick to acknowledge your lapses, errors or failures, but then do something to fix them. The Bible calls it repentance. It’s a change of direction. Turning away. Not going back. So when you fail, acknowledge it (the Bible calls it confession), then change your behavior or actions so you don’t repeat it.
These are just a few things we must consider as we journey toward becoming a better version of ourselves.
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I learned early in sports that to be effective – for a player to play the best he can play – is a matter of concentration and being unaware of distractions, positive or negative. -Tom Landry
Distractions destroy…
- Creativity
- Productivity
- Efficiency
- Accomplishment
- Love
- Contentment
- Relationships
- SUCCESS
- HIGHER ACHIEVEMENT
Distractions embraced equals selfishness. Colossal selfishness. Because it’s pride that drives us to distraction.
Past beliefs about yourself won’t carry you into the future.
Side hustles became a phrase and thing over 70 years ago, but I suppose there’s always been moonlighting. That is, going to work, getting off work, then going to another job, even if it’s part-time. Today, in 2024 the side hustle isn’t what it was – a way to supplement income so you could feed your family. Now, it’s an income-producing hobby, often called a passion project, indicating it’s something the person claims to love. Presumably more than they love the thing that earns them the biggest chunk of their income.
“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” – James Clear
Others have replaced “systems” with “training.”
Probably more true – you don’t rise to the level of your goals, but you fall to the level of your habits.
That and more on this episode of a “free form Friday” show!
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“It’s amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces.” -Ella Harper
Mutually desired relationships are likely going to include some heartbreak. I’ve had my heart broken. I’m certain I’ve broken a heart, too. Not like you’re thinking – I’m hardly a heartbreaker! But I do have the ability, like all of us, to hurt or injure somebody I care about.
Sometimes the heartbreak is because of loss. Like when I lost Rocky and Rosie to old age. These two White West Highland Terriers were fixtures in our lives for the better part of 16 years. Rocky passed first. I was heartbroken. Rosie passed and I was wrecked. They didn’t do that to me. Losing them did.
Husbands can break their wives’ hearts. Wives can break their husbands’ hearts.
Friends can break each others’ hearts.
Partners and co-workers can, too.
Let’s discuss this topic just a bit. Mostly, we’ll get our toes wet and contemplate how to improve avoiding hurting those we care about most.
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H is for home. Since last year, for the first time in our lives, we have split our time between two homes, both starting with “H.” Hurst, Texas, and Hot Springs Village, Arkansas. But last night we spent a night in another “H” home – Holiday Inn Express in Hurst, Texas.
Yes, we had a good reason. When you’re having knee surgery and your bedroom is upstairs…you improvise. That meant finding a local hotel for at least one night to avoid the staircase. Enter Holiday Inn Express at 820 Thousand Oaks Drive, Hurst, Texas – mere miles away.
It all began when I was told I’d be on crutches at least for the first day following having my knee scoped. I hopped on one of those online find-a-hotel websites. How often do you search for a hotel in the city where you live? Me? Never. I was looking for location, reviews, and pricing. There were several hotels in the area where I was looking. All of them were close to the highway, which would be necessary because I had work the next day and wanted to be able to jump on the highway quickly. My wife chauffering me.
I read a few reviews and settled on the Holiday Inn Express in Hurst, Texas. My surgery was in another DFW suburb, Southlake. But I wanted to be back in the Hurst area #TexasHome. Besides, it was mere seconds from the highway I needed for the following morning. The accommodations were ideal: king bed, mini frig, microwave, desk, sofa and coffee table, walk in shower (one of those kind without any door), and breakfast starting at 6:30 am. I booked it for one night, paying a few bucks extra for the right to cancel it and get a full refund – just in case my surgeon had to change my schedule (he didn’t).
Check in was 4 pm. Ok, no problem maybe I can check in early if necessary.
I get all those usual pre-surgery calls you get. You answer a million questions and they confirm a schedule. Then days later they may change the schedule, pushing the surgery up or back. Mine was pushed up slightly. “Check in by 7:15 am,” they said. Okay. I’m thinking check-in at the hotel is 4 pm. That’s gonna be a problem because I’m likely going to be awake and checked out of the surgical center by 11 am. So I call the hotel directly.
Let me introduce you to Susan Watts-Martinez, General Manager of the Holiday Inn Express in Hurst, Texas. She answered the phone patiently listening to my dilemma. She looked up my reservation, noticing I booked it through an online website. She confirmed I had booked a king room. “I’m happy to pay a little extra to check in early,” I said. “No problem, I can take care of you, Mr. Cantrell,” she assured me.
This was a couple of weeks in advance of my surgery so she made notes in their system that I’d need a room ready to go before noon. Yes, I told her I was coming there following surgery in Southlake. “We’ll take good care of you,” said Susan. “Just call us that morning. I’ll be here by 7:30 am. That way we’ll make sure your room is ready.” I thanked her and thought no more about it.
Until we checked in.
As I crutched my way into the lobby Susan came outside and said, “Randy?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Enjoy your stay and we hope you have a speedy recovery,” she said.
I thanked her and went inside making my way to the first room on the first floor, just past the front desk and workout room. Convenient and a short amble down the hall.
We enter the room and straight away I notice on the coffee table a bundle of homemade chocolate chip cookies and two bottles of water with the above note sitting nearby.
Handwritten Note From Holiday Inn Express, Hurst, Texas“Look at this, “I said to my wife. We remarked how nice that was, then I noticed a large white gift bag with a black ribbon tying the handles together.
“What’s this?” I asked.
I opened it and found a new 50″ x 70″ gray chenille throw.
50″ x 70″ gray chenille throwI immediately unpacked it and laid down on the bed on top of the covers noting how hard it would be to maneuver under the sheets having just endured. For context, you should know Rhonda (my wife) made me a fleece blanket that I usually take with me on trips. I had lamented that I didn’t have that with me. It was left at our house in Arkansas. This gift from Susan and the Holiday Inn Express staff was perfect because I was already thinking, “It’s gonna be easier for me to sleep on top of the bed.”
As I checked out the next day I approached Susan and asked if we could take the picture with whatever staff members were available. Susan quickly gathered the troops and here they are. Here we are! That’s Susan on the far right. SA-LUTE!
The HIE Staff in Hurst, TexasThese folks are extraordinary!
They could have just gone through the motions. I’m nobody special. They had no idea I had a website, a podcast, or such a loud mouth to bally-hoo customer experience!
I happily call out superior service. I’m also quite willing to call out awful service.
Hotels can universally do better. Susan’s team proves it. Susan, as a leader, proves it. I don’t know Susan, but based on my single night stay at her hotel I know she made up her mind to lead a high-performing team intent on delivering the best guest experience possible. Keep in mind, that we’re not talking about a luxury brand hotel. This isn’t the Ritz. It’s not a $ 500-a-night hotel. Proof that excellent service isn’t the protected domain of luxury or exclusive brands!
I slept in a Holiday Inn Express in Hurst, Texas last night. And it was following knee surgery so I wasn’t feeling 100%. But I was happy I decided to because Susan and her team did an outstanding job making me comfortable, welcomed and appreciated. Remember, I was only there one night. These people understand the power of doing for some what you can’t do for everybody…but more importantly, they understand that you can go above and beyond for everybody. And they do!
If you ever need a hotel room anywhere in the Mid-Cities area of Dallas/Ft. Worth…be sure you book a room at the Holiday Inn Express at 820 Thousand Oaks Drive, Hurst, Texas 76054. Call them at (817) 427-1818. Tell them I sent you, even though it won’t matter! They’ll roll out the proverbial red carpet for you anyway.
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Let’s define “partner” broadly. It could be a spouse, a business associate, a legal partnership, an informal collaboration, a co-worker, or something else. In short, it’s a joint venture of some sort. You get to define it the way that best suits you.
My first partnerships were likely being a sibling to my sister who is 6 years older. We may have been too far apart in age to be a real partnership, but aren’t all kids with brothers and sisters partners in some sense? I watch my grandkids and it seems not much has changed. As children, we had to learn to get along, work together, protect, and support each other. Okay, maybe there were some fights along the way, too.
Once I got into school I’d often be teamed up with other students for projects. Mostly, I remember doing bulletin boards or something creative. The teacher would assign one or more people to me to produce something. It was my first real experience with frustration in a creative endeavor. I’ve thought about it often – how early on I should have known I needed to be more discriminating in the ideal partner. Or to consider whether or not I even need or want one.
Through the years one phrase has captured my biggest challenge: being like-minded.
That doesn’t mean seeing everything identically. Nor does it mean coming to the same conclusion. I’ve wrestled with this notion all my life, attempting to distill the meaning of “being like-minded.” Maybe there’s a better way to figure it out, but my approach was to identify the source of my frustrations. What is driving me crazy and why? It always comes down to, “Is it me, or is it them?” That leads to wrestling with whether or not it’s going to require compromise to lower quality. To lower the expectation. To accept good enough. To avoid reaching for something better.
By the time I reached junior high, I knew I was cursed. There would never be a way out. So I started looking for some way forward. It didn’t often happen so I learned to pursue things by myself if the thing was important to me. Think school projects.
I had close friends. I had many more friendly acquaintances. I enjoyed being amongst friends. Humor and sarcasm were constant common denominators. But when it came to getting things accomplished, I was sober-minded. Serious. Maybe to a fault. A few people who didn’t know me misinterrupted my introversion and seriousness for conceit. But that was never the issue because I never esteemed myself better than anybody else, albeit I did frequently think, “I wouldn’t do that” when watching somebody make a foolish choice. I was compliant listening to teachers and parents. Mostly doing what I was told, behaving and always mindful of the situation. I was a noticer which made it easier to avoid problems, easier to read people, but impossible to avoid noticing. As a result, my inner signal-to-noise ratio has never been great. When you notice everything you learn to discriminate between the two, but it’s important to distinguish between what you think you’re noticing and true evidence. As a young adult, I began to seriously learn what I termed evidence-based intuition. Gut feel is terrific when you notice everything, but it’s not error-free, even if it is mostly accurate. Pile on some questions that force you to consider what you know to be true, and the accuracy gets closer to perfect. I’ve now practiced that for over 40 years and I’m still working on it.
The context matters lest you think I’m just a wild contrarian. I’m not. But I’m driven by accomplishment, not ambition. They can look similar, but the difference is selfishness. Credit. Glory. Honor. I don’t much care about any of those. I care about the final product. I care about the conquest. Today, I often use the metaphor of “taking the hill.” I’m driven to take the hill in the best method possible. The challenge, struggle and adversity provide the juice. Otherwise, everybody would be taking the hill. But not everybody does. And that excites me.
Enter the problem. Those who say they too would like to take the hill, but don’t seem to display the stuff required to achieve it. Or to achieve it as efficiently. Or to be dragged along by the momentum of others so they can also experience the hill top. I’ve never had patience with such people.
Two things erupted early in childhood about such people (again, think school projects). I remember so many classroom bulletin boards or door decorations that drove me nuts. I’m assigned, with two other students, to decorate the classroom door for the holidays. We brainstorm some ideas and immediately it’s evident my cohorts just want to get past this assignment. Me? I want the output to be awesome – the best in the building. So right off the bat I now know I’ve got two passengers willing to never put their oars in the water as we paddle hard toward producing a great door decoration. But I’m stuck. Never mind that I often would ask – and be granted permission – to just do it by myself. It had nothing to do with not wanting to work alongside others. It had everything to do with wanting to avoid lowering the standard of creating a dynamite door decoration.
Listen, I wasn’t some nose-to-the-grindstone kid. I slacked off as much as anybody looking for shortcuts while procrastinating all along the way. But when it came to producing something creative, my brain entered a difference gear. It was completely unintentional. It’s like some auto-pilot feature kicked in that said, “Let’s make this as good as it can be.” And rarely was I tethered to anybody who felt the same way. It was true then. It’s been true ever since.
That’s why I started aiming at only helping high-performers some years ago. After serving people who had that “it’s good enough” mentality I quit. I quit trying to help them. It was too frustrating. Besides, they didn’t accept the challenge to be better.
Try to help a business owner improve his marketing and pricing, things that will drop to the bottom line quickly. Demonstrate that his pricing is more than 25% lower than he can easily get if he’ll only ask. Do that by making sales at the higher rate. Do it again. And again. And fight him every inch of the way to elevate his customer service so he can continue to raise his prices. Battle him so long you’re exhausted pushing water up a hill (my metaphor for futility) and you’ll have some idea of my frustration.
Work with a business owner on reaching new heights of success by challenging how things have always been done. Challenge to think about what might be possible. Not guaranteed, but maybe (just maybe) possible. Then fight to help her see what could be only to realize she won’t, or can’t.
For me, there’s always a bigger hill worth taking. And ways to take it better. The excitement, fun and exhilaration come in pushing to see if we can’t do this better. And not just better than anybody else, but far better! I remember challenging grade school classmates that somebody is going to produce the best-decorated door in school (maybe there was a contest, I don’t remember because that didn’t much matter to me – my success was never reliant on somebody else’s approval)…it may as well be US.
I’m not a good partner for very many. Not when it comes to getting something done. I know that about myself. I’ve always known that. This has nothing to do with teamwork. Teamwork excites me. Challenging willing people to achieve something together that none of us could alone is a magical experience. However, the driftwood (low performers) on a team frustrates me because I know the damage inflicted on the rest of us. That drove me to pursue leadership in business where I could better serve those of us driven to do our best. I craved being the boss for that very reason. Thankfully, early in my career I got the chance and was able to prove to myself that putting a focus on helping high-performers worked. It always worked. And getting low-performers off the roster as quickly as possible, that always worked. Always.
That context isn’t the same as being tied to a person, or maybe two, who just don’t care as much as you do. Or being tied to people who aren’t as capable. Two major factors bubbled up over time: capability and caring. Sometimes I found myself shackled to some idiot who just couldn’t do it. Worse yet, was being tied to somebody who could do it, but didn’t care enough to. Either way, the outcome was awful. As a boss with employees, I was constantly working to determine which is it? If it’s capacity, can I do something to improve that? If YES, then what can I do and how much am I’m willing to do? If NO, then the game is over. If they don’t care, I used to spend time attempting to persuade people to care, but I soon gave up that pursuit because I was never able to figure out how I could do that. I respected everybody’s ability to decide for themselves, but it didn’t mean I had to have them on my roster. So I hit the eject button hoping they might find a team where they could care. Where they could perform better.
Partnerships are different animals. They’re more mutual. More equal. Even if there’s some authority hierarchy they just feel and behave differently because they’re more intimate. A marriage partnership is the most intimate of them. A business partnership is a different kind of intimacy, but for some (I don’t condone this) it’s even more important than a marriage.
I’ve been married to one girl since 1978. We first dated when we were 18 and since then there’s never been anybody else. For either of us. I’m not a perfect husband. She’s not a perfect wife. We’re good for each other though. Sometimes we even have brief moments of being great for one another. There are many mistakes we can make as mates to ruin or wreck our marriage partnerships. Most of us married folk could make more than a handful before lunch!
Here are five mistakes that have made – and currently make – people bad partners for me and ways to avoid them. Hint: the best way to avoid them is to avoid people prone to making these mistakes, but sometimes we don’t know that until we experience it. An ounce of prevention and all that!
First, thinking only or mostly about yourself is a mistake.
Don’t consider the other person. Be wrapped up in what you most want. Take square aim at getting only what you need from the partnership. All the other mistakes are some form of this first big mistake.
Focus on what the others in the partnership can do for you. Impose on them. Don’t be considerate of their time or effort. And never, ever think about yourself as any of those things – imposing or inconsiderate.
Avoiding this “mistake” isn’t easy because self-centered people mostly aren’t able (or willing) to think about others. Selfishness is their way of life, but to them, it’s not selfishness. Many of them think they’re quite compassionate and altruistic. Perhaps our first mistake should be delusion, not self-centeredness.
Second, being a poor listener is a partnership mistake.
My lengthy preamble demonstrates a fundamental weakness I have. Paying attention isn’t tough for me. Don’t get me wrong – I can be distracted. Mostly, I can be preoccupied, which causes me to not be as present sometimes. When I’m in a conversation 1:1 in a partnership setting though…I mostly am able to be in the moment and pay close attention. Tone. Words. Body language. Meaning. I’m watching closely so I can understand. If I’m not sure about my understanding, I’m going to ask questions until I do.
When I struggle to listen:
a. The conversation is unimportant (small talk)
b. The person is uninteresting
c. The person is verbose, filled with extraneous details
d. The person is evasive, not open and putting on a front
e. When I don’t care
The partnership can be important, but the conversation may not be. That’s hard for me.
Cues matter. Avoid cues by neglecting to listen and it’ll demonstrate you don’t care about your partner.
The best way to avoid this is to care about your partner and the partnership. Care enough to pay attention.
Third, ignore your partner’s frustrations (or preferences). That’s a mistake.
We all express displeasure. Sometimes we do it with precision, but mostly we do it more subtly. I’m direct. Not blunt (usually), but direct. I view communication as a relay racer carrying the baton. I want to make sure when I hand off the baton that it’s securely in possession of the person with whom I’m communicating. It’s my responsibility to make sure they get it.
Recently I outlined a three-step process to fix a problem a “partner” and I were experiencing. We discussed it. I wrote it down and shared it. It was acknowledged, but ignored. Frustration ensued. Honestly, it’s a result of the other mistakes I’ve listed, too. And if it weren’t for some other positives that outweigh the behavior that drives me crazy, I’d split. But I stick with it hoping I can influence some growth and improvement. I’m hard-headed like that.
Remedy: acknowledge your partner’s preferences or frustrations. But more importantly, demonstrate that you care enough to do something about them, to whatever degree you can.
For example, after almost 47 years of marriage, my wife and I have a pretty good idea about what frustrates us and our preferences. I love fried catfish and fried okra. She doesn’t much care for either one. I’m mindful of that and seldom suggest dining at a place that offers no alternatives. I don’t want her to choke down something she doesn’t enjoy. A better solution is to find someplace where we can both be satisfied.
We could consider numerous behaviors that wreck partnerships. There are likely hundreds of nuanced behaviors, but it seems to me they all stem from one issue, pride. Self.
During his recruitment of the men who became His Apostles, the Lord admonished them, “Deny yourself. Take up your cross (of self-denial) and follow me.”
Stand up for yourself in partnerships or you’ll get completely run over. People will take over your idea, lower or change your standards, and make your life miserable if you let them. Not because they’re bad people, but because they care more about themselves than you. And while you certainly must care about yourself and your goals, you can still consider and defer to others in the process. Acquiescing to others isn’t a 100% of the time thing.
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It starts with an innocuous request, but you notice it’s not a request as much as information — or a subtle command. The person on the other end of the phone is telling you what they’re going to do. The problem is that it involves having you do something for them. Something you never agreed to, and something that is an imposition. Worse yet, it’s not a close family member. We’re mostly ready, willing, and sometimes able to serve our immediate family members with requests that seem otherwise loaded with gall.
Not so this time. This is a friend. I use that term very loosely. The friend is just calling to inform you of what you’ll be doing for them because they need it and expect it. No questions are asked. No consent is offered on your part because it’s just not necessary. This “friend” has called with 100% expectation that you’ll meet their need.
There’s not the obligatory, “Would you…?” or “Could you…?” They don’t even ask how you’re doing, or if you’re up to your ears in your issues. The tone in their voice tells you that they know you have nothing going on nearly as important as what they’ve got going on.
Or, it’s the person who invariably calls you with instant ramblings of something only within seconds (or a few minutes at most) of telling you they need to go because they’ve: a) got another incoming call, b) got another call they need to make or c) got something pressing they must do. Translation: I called you because it was important for me to tell you this thing (which is NEVER important at all, or even substantial)…but now that I’ve told you, I have no further need for you.
In recent months several close friends lament how often they get such calls. I listen intently to these stories, growing increasingly shocked at the audacity people display toward “friends.” Each time I’ve repeated one story that happened to me over 20 years ago when a “toxic” friend asked me to do something professionally for him. I was home nursing fever and nausea at the time, but I got out of bed, dressed up, and attended a business meeting to help him out. I’ll spare you the details except to tell you it was the last time I ever did anything for him. Instead, a few months later I made up my mind to rid myself of as many of the toxic people in my life as possible. He was first on the list.
All take, no give – that’s the best phrase I know of to describe toxic people who are always imposing on you without any regard for what may be happening in your life. And while I’m happily telling you that you should learn to say, “NO!” to them so you can say “Yes!” to better people – that’s not the point of today’s show. But it could be. People matter. Good people matter to help us. Bad people matter because they damage us. That makes it urgent for us to figure out when to say no so we can say yes.
But I’m thinking more about creative endeavors. Particularly, podcasts and content (whether it’s writing, audio or video). I’m thinking of the YES that first requires a NO. Mostly, I’m thinking about my consumption and creation. On one hand, I’m the audience. On another, I’m the creator. So what’s the difference? And how does saying NO so we can say YES play into it all?
Let’s try to figure it out.
I’m asking for a favor that I hope is NOT an imposition. Email me your feedback about this podcast to RandyCantrell [at] gmail [dot] com
I want to make Leaning Toward Wisdom more impactful – more meaningful – for YOU. I don’t quite know how to best do that, but I have a high degree of willingness.
Mostly, I want to say NO to whatever devalues this podcast for you so I can say YES to whatever might make Leaning Toward Wisdom serve you better!
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Well, it’s not true that how you do anything is how you do everything, but still I’m rather fond of the concept because it works. For instance, do you step over things that need to be picked up? I don’t mean snotty tissues or other debris that might be a campground for all kinds of filth. Say you’re out walking on a trail and you see a discarded soda can. Do you pick it up or leave it? Some would pick it up and others wouldn’t. There’s also a 3rd group – those who don’t see it. Or don’t care.
People who notice seem to always notice.
People who pick up things seem always to pick up things.
People who don’t pick up something seem never to pick up things.
I’ve found this to be mostly — true.
I pick things up. But not every time. Some nasty-looking tissue is likely going to remain as I walk past it. The place matters, too. If I’m on a busy sidewalk I won’t pick up a gum wrapper, much less a snotty tissue. In that context, I’m not likely going to stop to pick up anything other than something valuable or something a person may have dropped. Still, how you do anything tends to be how you do everything. But that’s not as powerful a phrase.
Social media (mostly) has taught me I have a horrible deficiency. Okay, it’s taught me I have many horrible deficiencies with this one included – I don’t foster controversy. I’m not polarizing. Absolutes are powerful because they’re polarizing and that gets attention. I don’t clamor for or yearn for attention. Yes, I want the attention of some to listen to this podcast – and the other podcasts I produce. Yes, I want people to read, or at least scroll through, things I write. Yes, I want people to gain something from the sermons I preach and all the other content I produce – which means first, they have to pay some attention. For me, the context is always the message though. The thought. The question. Provoking thought in hopes our thoughts will drive us to change, grow, and improve. For the past few decades, I’ve been fixated on improving my ability to figure things out and finding ways to help others do the same.
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Bariatric surgeries have increased over 500% since 1998.Bariatric surgeries have exploded (that might not be the proper verb) in recent years. Part of the reason is the improved technologies to make it “minimally invasive,” but I think it’s primarily because people want a fast, easy fix. And now add a new found popularity of drugs like Ozempic ® making weight-loss even easier.
Everybody wants fast and easy. Nobody prefers slow and hard. But there are some things where slow and hard provide a value not found in fast and easy.
After a round of NFL playoffs games as the 2023/2024 season was winding down I heard a coach say something I’ve heard before, but something I hadn’t heard in awhile. He remarked that great football teams do the hard things really well. For months I’ve thought about it even though I instantly knew he was right. There’s beauty and wisdom in the struggle. Never mind that we don’t always enjoy it. It benefits us.
There’s that old tale of a man watching a caterpillar struggle to escape its cocoon. Figuring he’d make it easier for the butterfly to emerge he got a pair of scissors and snipped parts of the cocoon. Minutes later some creature not even resembling a butterfly escaped the cocoon. Turns out by making it easy he had ruined any chance for the caterpillar to enter a phase of being a butterfly. The struggle required to wriggle out of the cocoon forced life into the wings. No struggle, no wings. No wings, no butterfly life.
It’s a good reminder of the value of our own struggles. Even if, in the moment, we can’t quite see the future benefit.
In Thy Paths
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More specifically maybe…false assumptions about my (our) retirement…
- That you must have at least a million dollars to retire.
- That you really need three million dollars to retire with security.
- That you should delay collecting Social Security until at least 65, and preferably until 70.
- That you should travel.
- That you should do all the things you’ve always wanted to do, but never got around to.
- That you’ll struggle with a sense of purpose.
- That you may struggle with boredom if you’re not careful.
- That it will cost you much more than you figured.
- That it’s important to have (and pursue) a bucket list.
- That you’ll have much more leisure time.
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Happy Father’s Day 2024!
My dad enjoying the sunshineThe what was crystal clear.
The how was no where in sight.
Casey Neistat is the OG of YouTube, vlogging and social media creation. He’s associated with New York, but it wasn’t always so. Casey set his sights on NYC knowing he wanted to make it there. Without any idea or plan on how to do it. But he’d grown up hanging on by a thread so he was comfortable.
Casey had two qualities that drove him, gratitude and optimism. A little boy with absentee parents. No restraints. No security. Hanging on by a thread.
One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor.
The desperation and despair drove him. Created him. Forged him.
Watching Casey for years and knowing his story got me thinking about mastering the hang. The hanging by a thread. Handling risk and failure. Hanging on. Even by a thread because even a thread provides suspension above failure. And despair. In the thread we find hope. Enough hope to continue.
Patience vs. impatience.
A willingness to hang on by that thread for however long it’ll take.
Casey describes his early life as a life without any plan B. He was working 60 hours a week making $7.25 an hour working in a restaurant kitchen. What was he going to do? Move back to southeastern Connecticut where he’d grown up in despair? Optimism drove him to declare – both to himself and others – “I’ll figure it out.”
Said Casey: “I was running from a pack of wolves. I knew if I slowed down or stopped, I’d be eaten.”
Thinking of Casey’s story and how he described the early part of his journey to find success, I began thinking for the umpteenth time about how life circumstances impact us. It’s remarkable how for some it becomes crippling baggage providing a million excuses. For others, like Casey, it’s the catalyst that drives them to rise above all the tragedy and despair. That old meme remains true. Hot water makes the egg hard, but it softens the potato. I suppose it’s the hot water that shows us what we truly are, but I’m still puzzled about the choices we make – and I do believe we choose what we become, unlike the egg or potato.
When working with a group in my coaching practice I often deploy a number of strategies to create closer bonds. Trust, vulnerability, safety – these are all critical when we’re trying to develop high-performing teams (or groups). Seeing each other as something other than a position or title serves all of us well. At work we rarely are able to show our full humanity, which is a shame because that’s where our deepest connections are made.
It’s interesting to watch it happen. A group of people enter a room. They know each other. They have some context for one another. But many of them don’t really know each other very well. Over an hour, or two, they begin to see other differently. They understand the past pain, suffering and struggle. We can all relate. Our story specifics may differ, but at a macro level – we’re mostly similar.
It’s apparent that we all had many opportunities to decide, will we be an egg or a potato? Will the circumstances of our life – especially the ones we had little control over – harden us or soften us? And will that hardness manifest itself in a resolve to rise above it or will it be a hardness that drives us deeper into excuse-making, and blaming? Will it soften us in ways that cripple us and rob us of the confidence and resolve needed to succeed? Or will it soften us so we can be more compassionate and grow into better humans?
Choice. Making up our mind.
Will we hang by the thread with optimism? “Hey, look…I’m still hanging on!” versus “Oh, man. I’m just a thread away from falling.”
Hanging on by a thread is still hanging on. Just like “by the skin of your teeth” is still getting by.
Sure, the margin is thin but it’s a bit binary – you’re either hanging on or not. Whether it’s by a thread or a strand of threads.
It’s congruent with the theme of last week’s episode. There’s pressure on the situation. Maybe it’s do or die. Maybe not. But in this moment we feel the urgency, importance and seriousness of the situation. Or maybe we think we know.
Time.
Capability.
Innate talent.
Skill.
Experience.
Opportunity.
Challenge.
What’s the goal of hanging…whether by a thread or a strand? Is the object to continue to hang or is there something else?
I’ve never wanted to just hang indefinitely. As kids we had monkey bars. The goal was to move from one end of the contraption to the other by way of a dozen or so bars from which you had to hang. The point was to swing from one bar to the next until you completed it…all without letting go. Hanging was the conveyance to get from one end to the other.
For me, hanging has a purpose. Maybe it’s waiting for what’s next. Maybe it’s moving toward what’s next. But hanging is a moment in time and I guess the question is, “How long do I need to hang on until that next thing occurs?” It’s a game of endurance. Which makes that thread part of it seem dangerous. Maybe it is dangerous. Maybe it’s more dangerous in our head based on our fear that the thread won’t last long enough.
How long is long enough?
There’s the rub. We don’t often know.
Enter fear.
Fear of falling.
Fear of the thread breaking.
Fear we won’t survive the fall.
Does that make us paranoid? Or delusional? Or pessimistic?
It could. But not necessarily.
All of us are afraid of failing…falling. Some of us are afraid of hanging on, too. Perhaps we’re afraid of even grabbing the rope, no matter how strong it may appear.
Some years ago one of our grandsons would not jump into the swimming pool. All the other kids would run and jump in, but he’d stand on the edge hesitating. Followed by more hesitation. And more stalling. Then he’d back up, start to run toward the edge, then stop. This would go on for many minutes until he’d finally just take a step and drop into the pool. He never would jump.
I spent many minutes with him every time this happened…trying to understand what he was feeling. “What are you afraid might happen?” I’d ask. He couldn’t tell me. “Look at the other kids who are jumping in. Have you ever seen them get hurt, or cry after they jump in?” I’d ask. He hadn’t, but he still couldn’t bring himself to jump.
Until one day he did…and that was that. Fear conquered in a single swoop.
But until he did it he was too afraid to grab the rope of jumping.
I’ve thought long and often of my own fears. Considering the ropes of my life that I’ve neglected to grab…or the ropes I grabbed, but failed to hold onto long enough. I’ve thought of the times I may have quit too soon. Stopping short of success that might have been.
What might have been…
It’s not helpful though. To dwell on choices we didn’t make. We know the outcome of our life because of the choices we did make. If those choices have taken us to the thread when we could have avoided the thread, we should learn. We should repent – change our mind, change our direction, do better. Become more wise. If those choices can be fixed, we should pursue figuring out how. Whatever we do, we must face our present reality.
Now What?We are where we are because it’s where we’ve chosen to be. Not that we chose to be sick, or unemployed or whatever other bad things may have happened to us, but we chose our reactions to the hardness of our lives. Those choices put us here. Right here. Right now.
What are we going to do now?
Will we hang in there by doing what we’ve always done to put us in this precarious state? Or…
Will we hang in there by growing, improving and figuring out our missteps?
In short, will we fix what ails us or just complain about our lot in life? We are, after all, trying to lean toward wisdom, which includes reducing or eliminating our cowardice and excuse-making.
What does the hanging by a thread represent to you? I think mostly we associate it with barely hanging on. To which I’d say, but we’re still hanging. In my life, I just don’t want it to be passive. It needs to be active — an intentional effort to gain a better position. That means, at some point I’m going to have to let go of the current position. To remain holding on by a thread seems like a bad strategy. Unsafe even. But I don’t want to let go until I feel I’ve bettered myself. I need something better to grab onto.
I recently read about the Palmar Grasp Reflex, noticeable in new born babies. We know how strong their grip can be. I never understood why until now. The Palmar Grasp develops around week 28 of gestation. It lasts until a child is about 6 months old. It’s involuntary. The baby isn’t behaving intentionally…yet. Put your finger or any object in their open palm and they’ll grab it more tightly than you’d think they’d be able. I read that it’s almost strong enough to hold the baby’s weight (not advisable). Sometime between 4-6 months babies start deliberating reaching for things. Scientists think the Palmar Grasp Reflex is the same neural pathway needed later for the baby to choose to grasp things.
So, if you’re older than 6 months old you get to decide what to grab. Be careful, but brave.
Recklessness is never a wise choice. Too much caution though can rob us of opportunities to advance and grow. Or have fun, as illustrated by my fearful grandson refusing to jump into the pool.
Casey Neistat endured a childhood he described as “hanging by a thread.” Still, he had something to hang onto until he figured out something else to grab. I suppose we all have to grab onto something. Something to which we can hang onto for however long it seems to serve us. For teenage Casey it meant diving headlong in filmmaking. It meant moving to New York City without any connections. It meant letting go of home because that wasn’t working well enough for him and grabbing onto himself to chase his dreams.
We know his story because it worked out well for him. But I propose it would have worked out well for him no matter what. Leaving a place where he was hanging by a thread to grab something better was surely going to happen because Casey first did the hard thing. He made up his mind to find something he could grab, then he let go.
I know people who were not hanging by a thread, but by a solid strand who let go without having any valuable hand or foot hold to go to. People let go all the time because they’ve convinced themselves their unhappiness is somebody else’s fault. Stuck in blaming the world for their poor behavior and poor choices they find themselves miserable. Misery drives them to full speed selfishness where misery gives way to despair.
Rather than doing what young Casey did – making up his mind that he wasn’t going to live hanging by a thread – they just let go of the little good they may have. Nobody free falls their way to a better life. Nobody falls into growth, improvement and wisdom. It requires a wise decision. That wise decision can be just momentarily where we refuse one thing to grab something else. It may be a short period where we do the right thing, which may lead to longer periods of doing the right thing. No matter the time frame, it always demands a mind made up.
So if you’re hanging by a thread keep hanging. Diligently look for a better hold. Analyze the prospective future hold and make the best decision you can. Be brave and reach for it. Grab it like a newborn baby. Then let go of the thread.
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Kenneth Aronoff is a drummer for John Mellencamp. He’s also part of a documentary, The Untold Stories Of Your Favorite Musicians. He talks about the early days with Mellencamp when he was asked to come up with a drum solo of sorts for a new song, Jack & Diane.
When I first heard him say it my mind went into a few different directions.
One, being good under pressure. Not everybody is. How can we improve that skill?
Two, being good on your feet. That is, being able to figure it out in real-time, with the clock ticking. Again, how can we hon that ability?
Three, knowing you’re at a pivot point that could (no guarantees) change everything. How can we recognize the importance of this moment?
Aronoff had enough of all three to handle this moment.
“It’s kind of funny…the moments on which life hinges. I think growing up you always imagine your life–your success–depends on your family and how much money they have, where you go to college, what sort of job you can pin down, starting salary…But it doesn’t, you know. You wouldn’t believe this, but life hinges on a couple of seconds you never see coming. And what you decide in those few seconds determines everything from then on… And you have no idea what you’ll do until you’re there…”
― Marisha Pessl, Special Topics in Calamity Physics (a novel)
Pessl is a novelist who has crafted some great lines. Truthful lines. This is one of favorites. Life often hinges on a couple of seconds we never see coming. More accurately, it hinges on what we do in that moment. In those seconds. And while you have no idea until you’re there, all the things we’ve done up that moment prepare us.
I will prepare and some day my chance will come. – Abraham Lincoln
That line speaks to our ability and our optimism. The belief that we’ll put in the necessary work and in time, we’ll get an opportunity.
I often wonder if we knew in advance of that moment, would it help us or hurt us? Might we live in constant fear and anxiety if we knew? It may be a blessing that when those moments arrive, we had little or no warning.
In the last episode I talked about how special forces train so when the battle erupts, they react wisely (and well) automatically. So much so, they describe their reactions under fire as “it just happens.” That’s the value of preparation. It’s the value of focus, intensity and dedication to constant improvement.
It’s also the quest to learn what we don’t yet know. Ignorance isn’t bliss. It can be disastrous when we act based on it. Many dramatic stories prove the point. Mostly, tragedies prove it. Hamlet. Romeo & Juliet. Stories where people lacked knowledge, but took actions based on it. Stories where they had 25 to save themselves, or somebody else…but they got it wrong.
Tragedy has visited each of us, partly because of actions taken based on our ignorance. We thought something, but without full knowledge, or understanding, we got it wrong. The result was tragic. Maybe not life and death tragic, but some version of tragic none the less.
25 feet to get it right. Or to get it wrong.
I began to consider the journey to those 25 feet, wondering how important those feet are. And how we might influence them.
Reminiscing of my 25-foot-moments I tried to remember what led me there. What happened and how did I get it wrong? Did I get it wrong? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.
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On Chris Williamson’s Modern Wisdom YouTube show with Tim Kennedy, a Special Forces master sergeant and author, Kennedy was recounting the extensive training of special forces. In the fog of war there is no time to think when bullets start flying. It’s all reaction. He details the many micro movements of firing a weapon during a fire fight, emptying the weapon and reloading – all within seconds. It’s not a strategic – “I now need to do this” – kind of thing. It’s something you’ve practiced tens of thousands of times. So much that when the moment comes, it just happens.
It just happens.
He said you practice it so much, that when the moment comes, it just happens!
But first, it’s a slow, arduous journey of working hard.
Everything is hard, until it’s easy. Everything is slow, until it’s fast.
This is why most things remain hard to many people. They don’t put in the work.
It’s why we remain broke, fat and miserable, too. And why too many of us lack faith, gratitude and compassion.
Because it’s hard work. It’s not couch potato work!
Some weeks ago I mentioned to Lisa Norris, my co-host on the Grow Great podcast (a podcast about city government leadership) that every high-performer I’ve ever known pursues the hard stuff. They’re not complacent. They’re all strategic in learning more, growing and adding to their arsenal. I remarked,
“Everything is hard, until it’s easy and high-performer are always chasing the hard stuff.”
Practice doesn’t make perfect, but perfect practice does. That’s what we’ve heard for decades. It’s absurd though because it presupposes that our work ought to be perfect in practice (when it doesn’t matter as much). However, if the saying speaks to the process of practice being perfect (our willingness to put in the work by doing what we must in order to improve), then it’s not absurd at all.
When I heard Tim Kennedy’s response I went back to notes I’d been making to myself about preparation (practice). I’m a lifelong fan of preparation. This – and all my podcasts – depict my fandom. I use a broadcast workflow because I’d rather prepare in advance of recording instead of just winging it, then fixing it all in editing after-the-fact. Besides, preparation is where I’ve found my confidence can be greatly enhanced. And I hate not feeling confident.
What is confidence? Where does it come from? Where do we have it?
Long ago I concluded that my confidence isn’t singular. There are a few different types of confidence in my life.
First, there’s confidence in God. I’ll call it a spiritual confidence. It’s based on belief, faith and conviction. It’s not an internal faith in myself, but rather it’s my inner confidence in something and someone else – something much higher and more powerful than myself. My spiritual confidence is based only on the Bible because it’s the only standard I have to inform me about God. Any other confidence based on feelings or intuitions or urges would come from me, not the Bible. That makes them susceptible to being mere delusions so I won’t base my spiritual confidence on such things.
Second, there’s confidence in others. This is an external confidence based on my belief and trust in others. It may be based on past history or expected future. I’m confident that our family will help influence my five grandchildren to be successful adults, able to navigate their lives well. Ages 16 to 8, it’s yet to be proven, but I have confidence in our family and in these children. Maybe it’s an optimism based on the work we’re putting in to help train them all. But it’s not entirely based on the adults in the family. None of these 5 children have shown an unwillingness to be compliant to learn and improve.
My confidence in others is based on past behaviors and on my expectations of their capabilities. It’s not an absolute though because I’m not in control of what they do. I’m not confident they’ll please me because that’s not my expectation. I expect them to improve and grow because I care about them being their best.
Third, I have confidence in myself. It’s not absolute or complete. Sometimes it’s spotty. More so than I’d like.
My confidence in myself is mostly born from preparation…practice. In areas where I fail to focus, I struggle. Appropriately.
Permit me to veer to where I lack confidence and why.
The federal government is’t my savior. I already have a Savior who is divine so there’s no point in looking for one that’s not. I know many people look at the federal government, and to a lesser degree state and local governments, to rescue them from whatever ails them. I don’t. It’s a conscious choice all of us make.
It’s problematic to put confidence where it doesn’t belong because fundamentally it’s delusional. It’s belief in something that isn’t worthy of that belief. It’s unreasonable and unrealistic expectation that something will happen, which will never happen. The cavalry of government isn’t coming to save us. They work vigorously to make us believe though. They desperately want and need our confidence to be placed in them. “Trust us. We know what’s best. Just leave this business to us.” We hear those kinds of messages from local municipalities all the way to Washington, DC. It’s a global epidemic as governments are in full-blown self-preservation mode growing bigger and bigger.
…I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There’s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: As government expands, liberty contracts.” – Ronald Reagan
Self-preservation motivates those in power to remain in power. Fear contributes to the process. It works like a charm. A snake charmer!
I only digress to point out that everybody can put their confidence where they choose. This is merely my admission of my own choices. You make those you feel are best for you. I’m on record that I’m a capitalist who enjoys the power of a free and open market. Yes, I support competition and oppose monopolies. There’s nothing free about the latter. I know markets make winners and losers of us all. If I bring insufficient value, I won’t survive as a business. If I bring high value, I will. Besides, I’m fond of knowing how I’m doing. Keeping score is a great thing when it comes to business and enterprise. It’s a terrible thing when it comes to interpersonal relationships.
In the race to bet on oneself or to bet on government, I’d much prefer to bet on myself. I view government as I view leadership. It’s a focus on others and doing for others what they can’t do for themselves. So while I need government and as a Christian, I pray for governments, I don’t put my confidence in them – beyond trusting them to pick up my trash, make sure my water works (and is clean), make sure my toilets flush, make sure my electricity continues to work, make sure my safety is reasonably preserved, etc. I can’t do those things for myself.
1 Timothy 2:1–4
First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.
Romans 13:1
Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.
Who is working for whom? It’s fundamental to the conversation about confidence and being prepared. Who is serving whom?
Being in service to myself to put in the necessary work to become better isn’t selfish. It’s right. Everybody benefits.
As I grow and improve as a person I can better influence those around me. I can make better decisions. Take better actions. Benefit myself and all around me. It can’t be helped IF I practice with intensity to insure that when moments come, I’m fully prepared to do the right thing. Not without thinking, but because I already made up my mind. Because I pre-thought it by putting in the work.
That’s the point.
Putting in the work in advance. That’s the practice.
Putting in the work long enough to endure the hard…until it gets easier. Then continuing it long enough until it becomes easy.
Then…
Advancing it up a notch (or three) to make it hard again…until it gets easier.
For me, it’s the drive to always make it better. It’s also the dissatisfaction that it’s good enough. Not to the point where my discontentment is crippling (or anywhere close to that), but to the point where I’m continually driven to improve it. It’s a restlessness with complacency.
For me, it’s not a restlessness with calmness or quiet. I’ve seen that in the lives of others, people who are just perpetual motion machines. Such folks tend to not get nearly enough done though. They log a bunch of miles, but without actually going anywhere. This often mistake movement with progress.
It rarely just happens for them. I know because I hear how hard they work, how much they’re hustling, how fast they’re working and how busy they are. “I’ve gotta run,” they repeat. Years later, it’s the same thing. These poor folks are stuck in Ground Hog Day living a life on constant REPEAT. That’s not progress. That’s not growing confidence. That’s not practicing so when the moments comes “it just happens.”
It’s also exhausting. And I’m only a spectator to their frenzy, but it whips me.
In place of that…what if the effort were focused? Intentional. Purposeful. Strategic.
What if our “practice” was driven with forethought aimed at an ideal outcome?
And here’s a big one: what if our practice was at something we couldn’t wait to do over and over again because we desperately wanted to master it?
And what if we mastered it and we still felt like we could advance in it?
How good could you become at such a thing?
There’s only one way to find out. Do it. Give it a go. Keep on giving it a go. Make sure that talent is your limitation, not aimed effort.
I know I have limited skills that will prevent me from achieving more, but I have no way of knowing those limitations if I don’t practice diligently to improve.
There are naturally gifted athletes who make it to the professional ranks. There are less gifted people who also make it to the pros. It would seem you can make it to the professional leagues of sports by being naturally talented, but you also have to put in the work to practice your sport. The extraordinary athletes, those world-class performers, combine both. Then along comes that person who has visibly natural ability that makes them superior, but something goes awry. Maybe it’s addiction. Maybe it’s poor behavior. Maybe it’s lack of desire, or lack of work ethic. And their career, which could have been spectacular, fizzles. Because something got in the way of putting in the practice. Discipline to stay the course. Missing.
It’s hard to discipline yourself. It’s hard to do the hard thing. Procrastination is easy. “I don’t feel like it right now,” is a phrase I’ve said too often. As a result, many things have gone undone. Either completely or for longer than necessary.
Not right now.
And when the moment comes, that’s the answer we get back to the thing we most wish would happen in that moment…
Not right now.
How’s that working out for you?
Really well.
It’s efficient. Reliable. Ridiculously predictable.
Galatians 6
7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. 8 For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. 9 And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.
You didn’t know that was in the Bible? Yep, that’s where mankind got that wisdom – you reap what you sow. What goes ’round comes ’round. God ordained it.
Nature proves it. Plant tomatoes and you get tomatoes, not okra. Or cucumbers. Everything after its kind. God ordained that, too.
What are you practicing? Why?
If you practice self-indulgence, then that’s what you’ll reap. The consequences of a self-indulgent life.
If you practice self-discipline, then that’s what you’ll reap. The benefits of temperance, self-control.
I wish it were an all the time, everything deal, but for me – it’s not. Sometimes I’m self-indulgent. Other times, I’m self-disciplined. My goal is to lean away from self-indulgence and lean toward wisdom through self-discipline. Restraint from the things I should not do and embracing the things I should – that’s what I ought to do. Ought to.
“Mean to don’t pick no cotton” is a Southern saying that means saying you intend to do something is different from actually doing it.
“All hat and no cattle” is an idiom that means someone is full of big talk but lacks action, power, or substance.
I’m too often guilty of that. Like right now.
I’ve got a list of things I need to do. A long list that isn’t getting any shorter because I’m not knocking things off that list.
The Yellow Studio 4.0 took weeks longer because I’d stare at the work required and say, “Not now.” But when I dove in and began to do the work it was rewarding to see it come together. The feeling afterward was positive, uplifting. The feeling after I made excuses was guilt. Uplifting or guilt? That’s an easier choice than doing the work or putting it off.
Homer Simpson’s philosophy continues to grow in many of our lives. “Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?”
Well, the answer is choose regret and guilt or choose achievement and confidence. Laziness or achievement?
But there’s something else about that line uttered by the Special Forces guy…”
you practice it so much, that when the moment comes, it just happens!
In that world of warfare, there are moments that come. Pivotal, life and death moments.
As I kept thinking about this line and how truthful I believe it to be, I also realized that in our lives – we ordinary folks who aren’t in mortal combat – our achievements are comprised of lots of moments. Some of them micro moments. Some not so micro. More often than not, moments that don’t seem so consequential – not like a fire fight in war. More like, a moment where I decide to not eat that ice cream sandwich and go for a 20-minute walk instead. Moments where I decide not to buy that shiny little object, but to set that money aside in a high yield savings account. Or an S&P500 low cost index fund. And it’s the cumulative impact of all these choices that define my life.
Financially.
Spiritually.
Physically.
Relationally.
It’s a moment of hugging my wife. Or refraining from hugging her.
It’s a moment of putting my phone away so I can be more present as I sit across from her at a restaurant table. Or at home. Or not.
It’s a moment of squirreling away that $100 I find myself with, or blowing it on something frivolous.
It’s a moment of thinking the worst of somebody, or thinking there may be a plausible explanation for their behavior in this moment.
It’s the compounding effect of all my choices and decisions and how they add up to create a definition. Not a defining moment, but a defining life.
I’ve talked about that chart of a penny doubled every day for 30 days. It’s worth bringing up again, but it’s how our lives work in areas beyond money.
We make choices that seem insignificant. Good choices. Bad choices. The compounding works the same. Cumulative bad choices take a toll that’s far heavier than we think in real time. Cumulative good choices pay off in a far grander way than we realize in the moment. Good can take time. Bad tends to take less time.
By day 27 a person who opted for the penny doubled is thinking, “I made a horrible choice. Only 3 days left and I’m over $300,00 shy of what I could have had if I’d taken the million bucks.” But look at those last 3 days. In a single day he’d have made up the difference plus an additional $342K. The next day, he’s over 2.6x times the single million dollars. And by day 30, he’s got almost $5.4 million instead of just one million.
It’s these moments that define us. These moments of decision and action. Or indecision and inaction.
It doesn’t mean the line is any less valid or accurate. I think it very much is – we put in the work, we predetermine what we’re going to do, we practice doing it, and we keep on doing it over and over so when bigger moments come, it happens. Because all along the way those smaller moments have been happening. Our preparation has increased our confidence. Our confidence has built our resilience. Our resilience has prepared us for the things that could go wrong so we can counter punch them.
It’s the difference in a life well lived or a life wasted. For combat soldiers, it’s life or death. I could argue it’s true for us, too. All of us.
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Note: The picture in the featured image is my 100-year-old dad holding my 92-year-old mother’s hand as she lay dying. She passed from this life on April 4, 2024. They were married for 73 years, a testimony to the power of companionship.
Companion / Companionship
a person or animal with whom one spends a lot of time
a feeling of fellowship or friendship
Do you want to be alone with yourself?
And if not, then why do you think anybody else would ever want to be around you?
What is it about you that might be off-putting? Or unsafe?
Let’s begin with a word, EFFORT. It’s the thing we can all control. It’s the igniter in the combustion chamber of success. Whether it’s relationships – companionship, or some other pursuit – if we put in enough effort, we can always ensure our growth. Hard work may not result in an absolute win, but it will result in personal growth. The kind of growth that can impact every aspect of our life.
“Be of good cheer. Do not think of today’s failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost.” ― Helen Keller
In recent weeks I’ve talked a lot about my challenges with having too many spinning plates. This goes directly to EFFORT, which means we need to discuss another word, CAPACITY. There is a limit to our effort because our time is limited. And our ability is limited, too.
Time is easy to measure. It’s definite.
Ability may be impossible to measure. I suspect we’re all severely limited by our mind thinking “this is all I’ve got,” when in reality, we can do more. Evidence of such things is the Navy Seal training and many other physical/mental challenges that people regularly conquer. The person who wants to run their first marathon may quit thinking it’s too hard. But those who go on to run their first learn they’re more able than they thought. Those who quit are convinced it just wasn’t something within their reach. Like Henry Ford famously said…
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t — you’re right.”
What if we believed – truly believed – we were more able?
I have asked hundreds of executives, business owners, and other leaders a simple question: “Would you say that most of your dreams have come true?”
100% of them answer, “Yes.”
That doesn’t mean every dream was achieved. Or that they’ve got no more dreams left to chase. It just means they achieved most of the things they set out to achieve.
After they’ve weighed in, I’ll then say, “Makes you wonder what kind of potential we’re leaving on the floor, huh?”
What if we dreamed bigger? What if we chased something seemingly impossible for us? Our lives seem to be proving to us that we might be able to achieve most things we pursue. Why shouldn’t we reach for more? And why shouldn’t we help others reach for more?
Time is easier. Daily we say YES and NO. Daily we may say yes to things we’d rather say no to. We may also say no to things we’d really like to say yes to. All these decisions impact our time. They determine our calendar. And our calendar – those things we answer wrongly – determines our resentment and bitterness.
Suppose I say yes to an invitation I’d rather say no to. Maybe I’m cowardly in the moment. Maybe I’m too worried about hurt feelings. Not my own, but the person inviting me. Maybe social pressures are in play. But for some reason, I give the wrong answer and now this dreaded event is on my calendar.
Who is served by my wrong answer?
Not me.
Not my inviter.
Nobody else in my sphere. Because I’m going to dread it and it’ll certainly impact my demeanor and behavior.
That doesn’t mean I have to behave hatefully. I can certainly make the decision that’s ideal in a polite way. I can be gracious and thank the person for inviting me, but politely decline.
A major component of managing effort, ability, and time is truth. We’re surrounded daily by deceit. Lies are all around us. Constantly. We come to think that lying is just a way of life, but it’s not. If we’re devoted to the truth – and our commitment to telling the truth, firstly to ourselves, then to everybody else – we can avoid a lot of messes.
The lies we tell ourselves take a heavier toll than I suspect we understand. Who wants to live a delusion? Well, you’d think most of us because it sure seems we’ve all done a fair job of creating our own matrix to define our lives. We tell ourselves what is and isn’t possible without any evidence. We wrap ourselves in blankets of anxiety and insecurity whilst pretending to be confident, strong and able. We show off and show out instead of showing up. We drive expensive cars to look rich while being in debt and broke. All that fronting is a lie – a delusion to medicate ourselves on feeling better about our life.
What if we just behaved better?
What if we told ourselves and others the truth? All the time?
What if we stopped fronting and pretending?
What if we did the right thing in kindness? Always acting with integrity?
What if the delusions and misjudgments of others were stripped of their power? What if we didn’t respond to hateful treatment? What if we didn’t get drawn into the delusion?
A woman tells me about a sister, a lifelong drug addict. It’s a long, laborious story of hurt, betrayal, and awful behavior. The parents – they’re gone now, but after years of being taken advantage of by a daughter. The delusion of the wayward sister foisted onto everybody in her wake, most notably those people who cared the most about her. And when big sister draws a line after realizing that a relationship – companionship – with little sister is only enabling little sister to impose her delusions – does the venom really start spewing from her sister. All the vile, hateful things she once thought she had endured now pale in comparison.
She says, “I love her very much, but she can’t see it. She’s so warped in how she sees her life and my life, there’s no fixing it. I now realize I have to commit myself to people who I love who are willing to love me back.”
As I listen to a story I’ve heard more times than I can recall (all the people whose lives have been disrupted by a loved one disconnected from the reality of their own poor choices and bad behavior), I think of all the waste. Wasted lives. Wasted time. Wasted resources. Total loss!
I hate the term “mindset,” mostly because it’s overused. That viewpoint, perspective or whatever word might be more suitable to me – it’s important. It determines how we behave. It determines our choices. Our effort. Our dreams. Our aspirations. What we believe.
“…when people already know they’re deficient, they have nothing to lose by trying.”
― Carol S. Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
A Lack of Understanding Kills the Truth
Becoming a better companion requires becoming a better person. That takes work and the work needs understanding.
The parents of a murdered boy sue the city because the police department proved corrupt. Evidence was intentionally hidden. The public doesn’t have all the information available to the family of the victim. Public outcry rails against the family as money grubby greedy people. But money is the least of the family’s concerns. In fact, justice for their son’s murder is secondary to wanting to restore faith in police so others won’t have to endure what they’re going through. The public doesn’t understand, but they think they do. They’re convinced they’ve got it all figured out. They know exactly why this family is suing the city.
But they’re wrong.
A corrupt detective had destroyed evidence. His lies destroyed the truth, for a time. It had painted an untrue narrative of the victim in order to pin the murder on an easy suspect. The detective would be the hero, convicting a person based on strong, but circumstantial evidence. Evidence it turned out that was largely the result of a fictional story.
Over time – years – most come to understand what they formerly didn’t. A clearer understanding results in truth. Truth results in a change in their behavior toward the family. That’s how understanding unlocks things for all of us.
Things may not be what we think. Our assumptions and cognitive biases can interfere with the truth. Bad enough for us to practice a lie – like the detective. Worst still for our lie to be put on others.
I suppose few adults have avoided grossly misunderstanding or being misunderstood. Likely we’ve all been severely misjudged along the way, too.
We hate it when we’re misunderstood. We think little of seriously discerning whether or not we’re properly understanding others though. Especially motives. Like the parents suing the city.
There’s wisdom in following the evidence. What do people do? What and how do they say it? What can we know to be TRUE?
The woman who vows to be a good wife and mother may sound credible. But when we see her drunken, promiscuous behavior another picture unfolds. The truth. No matter her claims we can discern by how she acts – the choices she makes – that she’s not what she claims to be. It may not explain why she does what she does. And over time she may be shown as a selfish, neglectful wife and mom. But she’s fabricated a narrative to make herself appear different. Better. Lovely. Faithful. Dutiful. Concerned.
Which is it? Is it what she says, or what she does?
YOU?
What makes you worthy of companionship? What makes you a good friend? A good spouse? A good parent? A good grandparent?
Words matter. Actions more.
It’s interesting that when actions are wise and good, speech is congruent with the behavior. It’s when behavior and choices are sinful and selfish that the stories told don’t match up.
Truth.
A commitment to high standards of behavior.
A determination to grow.
A willingness to make wrongs right.
A humility to accept responsibility.
A courage to change and improve.
A resistance against pointing fingers.
A bravery to look in the mirror and see ourselves more clearly.
It all starts here. With us. You. Me.
The path forward to provide value to others starts with making ourselves valuable by behaving more wisely. It’s hard work. Arduous. Daunting sometimes. Often troubling as we stare down our demons.
“Who you are tomorrow begins with what you do today.” ― Tim Fargo
We have to conquer ourselves, not others.
Romans chapter 7
22 For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: 23 but I see a different law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity under the law of sin which is in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me out of the body of this death? 25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then I of myself with the mind, indeed, serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.
The key to improving our companionship skills is to get busy with our minds, which drives our behavior. Whether you serve God Jehovah or something or somebody else, that’s for you to decide. But we’re all serving somebody. Things go wrong when we serve ourselves. That makes us poor companions. It destroys our influence to help others. It diminishes our value, resulting in a loss for everybody, most especially us!
“You don’t know how it feels…to be me.” -Tom Petty
Or do you? We share more than we may think. Especially in the battle to become better humans. Some of us are fighting hard. Others, not at all. It’s the difference in keeping good company or not.
1 Corinthians 15:33 “Be not deceived: Evil companionships corrupt good morals.”
And there it is. Our companionship with others can be good or evil. The companionship we choose to surround us can be good or evil.
We get to decide the kind of companion we’ll be and the kind of companions we want to be around.
Companionship isn’t about perfection. It’s about a few critical things.
Caring. Both of you care deeply about each other.
Understanding. Both of you are committed to understanding each other as fully as possible.
Belief. Both of you believe in each other.
Encouragement. Both of you provide the encouragement necessary so each of you can grow individually and together.
Compassion. It’s a focus on others – you both remain focused on helping each other.
Grace. When you get it wrong, both of you are determined to make it right because the relationship is that important to you both.
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In 1982 I stood in front of a group of employees of the retail company I was running to tell them, “Who would have thought we’d reach a time when saying “please” and “thank you,” “sir” and “ma’am” would be a competitive edge?” That was then. This is now.
Superior customer service is rare. That means the opportunities are extraordinary! Seize the day.
Abel seized the day. Here’s his story, as posted on my Facebook profile.
Abel with Schlotzsky’s in Grapevine, TexasSchlotzsky’s Grand Prairie, Texas Is Today’s Customer Service HORROR Story (Small Hill Drive location)
Rhonda placed an order via the app (something she’s done with great frequency). Location: Grapevine, Texas. Problem: during checkout, the app encountered a problem with her saved credit card requiring that it be re-entered. Done. Order placed.
Problem #2: during that payment problem evidently the order location changed from Grapevine to Grand Prairie. She didn’t notice that until we were in the drive-through of the Grapevine location. She explained the problem and they politely said, “No problem. Just call them to get a refund and we’ll make the sandwiches here.” So we pulled into a parking spot to call Grand Prairie.
She explained the problem and as they seemed to be helping her the connection went dead. I suspect they hung up on her (she was on the speakerphone). She dialed back. Explained it again, but this time it was a different person. “No, we’ve already made the sandwiches. No refund!” (Do this in the voice/tone of the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld and you’ll be dangerously close to the sound of this man on the phone). She asked for the manager. “I am the manager.”
I took the phone to ply my powers of persuasion but without success. The Sandwich Nazi wasn’t going to bend an inch. This $22 transaction was more meaningful than a long-time customer.
I entered the Grapevine store to see what I could do. A pleasant gentleman behind the counter was taking orders. I was 3rd in line. Immediately I thought, “This store isn’t run by the same folks that operate Grand Prairie.”
Turns out, I was right.
As I explained our quandary, the gentleman said, “Oh yeah, you were just in the drive-through.” I told him Grand Prairie refused to issue a refund. He was shocked. I asked what I could do. He asked me what we ordered and I told him. He punched it into his computer and said, “I got you.” No, no, no – that wasn’t the solution I was looking for and I insisted on paying. “No,” he insisted, “I got you.”
I thanked him and told him I was going to share this story. I gave him my business card, took a quick selfie as he handed me the order, gave him a bro hug, and thanked him asking, “What’s your name?” I’m pretty sure he said, “Able.” If not, I apologize. It was busy and I didn’t want to detain him.
Schlotzsky’s in Grand Prairie – Small Hill Drive – boos and hisses to your ownership and management for pathetic customer services
Schlotzsky’s in Grapevine – kudos and salutes to your ownership and management for stepping up to do the right thing. A special shout-out to the gentleman in the picture. He understands how to be excellent!
NOTE: Abel is his name! Hours later and I’m still very impressed with this man. Visit Abel and his staff at the Schlotzsky’s in Grapevine, Texas and tell them you saw this post.
Pursue excellence. Chase consistency in that excellence.
Do it in your professional life. Do it in your personal life.
There are opportunities everywhere!
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Sloping seems more gentle than stumbling. And graceful. But when it comes to growing older it can be inaccurate. We don’t slope toward a face plant. We stumble. We fall. Face-first into the ground.
“Everywhere I look I see opportunities,” I said. The conversation was about how we see the world and our place. Me? I have lived life trying to take various hills. Then quickly seeking out a new hill to take. Sometimes the hill is simply making it better. Always making it better – or trying to – is the curse of my mind.
As I approach the beginning of my 67th year on the earth I know the end began on day one. Growing up, children only think about the present or the future. Age urges us to focus on the future and we increasingly lose track of the present. Today wasn’t great, but tomorrow will be better. Until we realize our past is larger than our prospective future, which prompts us to remember. Old people don’t tend to talk about the future, but they rehearse – often with boring repetition – the past.
In the future, I’m liable to be guilty of the same behavior even though I hate it. I hope to avoid doing it.
The end has begun. The end of many things has begun, sparking the beginning of others.
Experience, not age, has taught me how little I know. And how far I have to go to reach my ideal outcome. Mostly, that ideal outcome is me. Not in some self-centered way, but in the sense that all I will ever contribute to the world is myself. Being my best self. Nothing else matters.
My impact – whatever it may be – is all any of us have to offer. It’s not a minimal thing either. It’s massive. More so for some than others because our talents, drives, ambitions, and opportunities aren’t equal. There’s also luck. Mark Cuban remarked that luck was the difference between him being a millionaire and a billionaire. So it goes.
I feel like I’ve grown. Evidence shows it’s somewhat true.
Never mind that some likely view me in light of the worst chapters – or sentences – I’ve written. Everybody can make up their mind about me, or anybody else. And they do.
My days are spent focused on other people’s lives. Largely on their professional challenges and opportunities. Sometimes the focus is solely on their personal lives because what ails them is deeply personal. Challenges come from all angles. Oportunities, too.
The drive to make a difference is always the hill I’m trying to take. The methodology is asking questions.
I figure things out by asking questions. Asking questions provides answers. Questioning answers clarifies existing answers. The focus isn’t on me, so the questions are aimed at helping others figure it out. After all, it’s not mine to figure out. It’s a deep version of the old TV show, “This Is Your Life.” It’s not my life. I have my stuff to figure out. It’s only about me so I can better understand, ask better questions, and improve at helping others figure things out.
Relationships.
Careers.
Faith.
Financial circumstances.
Habits.
Beliefs.
Choices.
Behaviors.
Skills.
Abilities.
Perspectives.
Hobbies.
Preferences.
Everything is subject to change.
Everything decays. Decay starts at the beginning and continues until the end.
But Eternity changes everything because according to God’s Word, Heaven has no decay. Hell doesn’t either. Bliss or torture without interruption.
That’s not how life on earth works. Bliss, happiness, joy, peace – they’re all interrupted by decay. Each has enemies that disturb or destroy.
Our lives are subject to change because other people have choices that can interrupt our choices and preferences. Some years ago I had different goals and dreams than I had just a handful of years ago. The changes in my goals were driven by the choices others made, which compelled me to change my mind as I tried to figure out my best path forward. It happens. To all of us.
Those folks who enjoy blaming God for all the mishaps or misfortune in the world fail to realize we’re humans able to make up our minds. Our decisions impact the world around us. It’s not always good because we don’t always make wise choices. Our selfishness and sin take a toll on the world. We help create destruction, pain, sorrow, sadness, and damage.
We all can bring our foolishness to an end. At least we can begin the end of our foolishness. That doesn’t mean we can begin the end of everybody else’s foolishness. Since the point of this podcast has always been – and remains – an intentional leaning toward wisdom, I’m urging us to put in the work to get started ending our foolishness. Then keep working on it because foolishness is just around the corner in every decision we make – large or minute. And our choices will impact and influence everybody around us – and the world.
Relationships / Personal
Work / Professional
There are beginnings and endings in all areas of our life.
NOTE: My mom passed from this life at 2:58am today, April 4, 2024. She was a couple of months shy of turning 92.
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February 1974, Baton Rouge. Near the entrance to Louisiana State University. A record store, my favorite hang out. Leisure Landing.
I enter the store and a record is playing. It’s alt-country. Weird. Because the guy’s name is Ian Matthews. Ian isn’t a southern United States name.
I grab the album cover and begin to read the back. Two players who I already admire are on this record. Jeff “Skunk” Baxter of Steely Dan fame and David Lindley of Jackson Browne fame. I love both of these guys. I’m enjoying this record. Ian is an Englishman playing alternative country, folksy tunes.
Some days you eat the bear…
Some days the bear eats you.
I’ve never heard this artist before.
I’ve never heard this phrase before either.
But I’m street smart and quickly discern it means, “Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.”
That’s today’s show. A new episode from inside The Yellow Studio 4.0.
Enjoy!
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“The only way to learn how many plates you can spin is to break some plates. The question of capacity guarantees failure.” – T.S. Elliot
He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. – Jim Elliot (no relation to T.S. that I’m aware of)
I’m not a plate-spinner.
I am able to multi-task, but it’s not actually multi-tasking at all. It’s really intense focus on a single thing with enough speed to get a number of things accomplished over a short period. That makes it look like multi-tasking.
Themes of the week have been:
- Self-control or self-regulation – manifested in the struggles people have with porn addiction, marital infidelity, alcohol, work, parenting, unruly children, loneliness and more
- Capacity and resources – what’s our limit?
- Congruency – frustration in hearing people (often bosses) say one thing, but do something completely different
- Failing to figure out how or where we fit – not understanding why or how we’re making a difference / wondering if we are
I’ve got too much going on – too many irons in the fire. I’m working on it and I’ll share more.
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate any amount you’d like.
Amazon Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell [at] gmail [dot] com).
Thank you!
Galatians 6:7-9 “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth unto his own flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth unto the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not be weary in well-doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”
Show High-Lights
- Anybody can do easy. It requires resolve and grit to do difficult things. It requires skill, talent and solid determination to learn to do hard things well.
- We’re the constraint.
- The value is in battling ourselves, not others.
- Feelings don’t equal evidence. Figuring out what’s real and what isn’t is hard work worth doing well.
- Don’t discount your will power. Don’t over-estimate it either. It’s a major component of the work, but it’s not the only component.
- Who you surround yourself with matters. The environment we put ourselves in has a major impact in our ability (and agility) to navigate figuring out how to do the hard things well. We’re all influenced by our surroundings. Guard your environment.
- Beliefs become reality. But delusions – which seem real – are still delusions. That’s why evidence based living is still the path forward to mastering hard things.
- Consider what’s possible even if you initially think it’s not. Learn what you don’t yet know. Figure it out. Just make sure you’re not restricting yourself with false notions. Don’t feel sorry for yourself or feel like others can do it, but you can’t.
- Ponder your ideal outcomes. Imagine what might be available – and possible. Often, there’s sufficient evidence for what probable, while we refuse to think it’s even possible. It stops us dead in our tracks when we could be many miles further up the road to greater success!
- Compounding is powerful. Doing a little bit consistently over time likely beats trying to sprint until we’re winded.
- Learning to do hard things well takes time and repeated efforts that become ingrained. Doing hard things well is habitual. Otherwise, it’s inconsistent. Anybody can be a minor league player. Only those who perform well every single time can be major leaguers.
- Laziness and procrastination are easy. That’s where the masses live. Don’t be fooled into thinking you can behave just like them and achieve something greater than average. Or worse.
- Berating yourself is worthless. Accurate self-examination is priceless. See yourself for what you truly are and fix what ails you. Lean into your strengths. Shore up weaknesses so they don’t derail you. Devote yourself to making yourself better in every way. Accept nothing less. Remember, you’ll either make a way, or you’ll make an excuse.
- Learning means making mistakes, but it means making mistakes where you’re still doing your best – and making mistakes you know you can recover from. When you get it wrong – and you will – determine that you’ll make it right. Only fools repeat their mistakes. Learn from yours and get better. Always be getting better!
- Working is hard. Retirement is hard. Health is hard. Sickness is hard. Being in a great relationship is hard. Being lonely is hard. Whatever you choose to name, on either end of the spectrum – it’s hard. Every day we get to decide which hard we’ll pursue. But there’s a major difference in the positive things that are hard. They require more effort on the front end. A higher investment upfront. By doing that, we may be able to forego a tougher consequence.
- Self-discipline is the key. Let’s be clear about the definition of discipline. Discipline is the quality of being able to behave and work in a controlled way which involves obeying particular rules or standards. Self-discipline is our ability to control ourselves.
- Execution matters! If we’re going to learn to get good at doing hard things well, we have to find the way to do them well more often than not. Ideally, to do them well all the time, every time.
- Doing hard things well drives success because it makes us unique. It gives us a competitive edge over everybody else who is unwilling or unable to do the hard things. The harder it is, the fewer people willing to do it. Or the fewer able to do it. So if you will – and if you can – you begin to join the ranks of a more exclusive, high-performing crowd. Be a lemming, be average or put in the work and be something much, much more.
- It’s true in all areas of human endeavor. These senior years for us are proof. Shameless retirement – a show I did not that long ago – isn’t just about being unashamed in front of others, but mostly it’s about being unashamed of our own choices and way of life. It’s about doing whatever we can do we don’t intentionally create regrets. Lifestyles creep up on us if we’re undisciplined. Lots of people follow our federal government by spending money they don’t have. Every good program – every good thing to buy – doesn’t justify the purchase. And just because we need it (or claim to) doesn’t mean we can afford it. But the bigger the government gets the more we spend ourselves silly justifying it by exaggerated claims of the good it will do – or the dire need for it. It’s no wonder that our federal government has corrupted our entire culture to feel justified with idiotic spending. Spending is easy. Restraint is hard.
- The battles of life – if we’re going to win – require learning how to do hard things well enough.
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate any amount you’d like.
Amazon Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell [at] gmail [dot] com).
Thank you!
About 15 years into my podcasting journey I recorded an episode entitled, A Virtual Tour Of My Podcasting Studio. I published it 9 years ago today, January 25, 2015. In 2019 I published an update, Welcome Inside The Yellow Studio (This Is How I Podcast Now). Since then I’ve tried to keep a page on my personal website updated – Inside The Yellow Studio.
The technology has changed monumentally since I began almost 24 years ago. Things have gotten so much easier – and so much more refined. As much as I enjoyed those early years when all of us were figuring it out, today is better. Today’s show is less about the operational part of podcasting though and it’s more about the metaphor of The Yellow Studio – creating, publishing and sharing. It’s about the broadcasting of stories, ideas, observations and insights. It’s about a journey into creativity. Well, it’s about a journey deeper into creativity. I won’t bore you with the earliest memories of the journey which began in childhood engaged in all sort of acts of imagination.
As much as I love to learn, which requires mounds of consuming (reading, listening, observing), I’m more in love with creativity, crafting something from mostly nothing. Starting with a spark. Sometimes small. Sometimes not. A burning ember sometimes. A bolt of lightning at other times.
Creativity takes practice. As in, you have to do it. Also, as in you have to do it repeatedly to improve.
Bouts of creativity against not being creative at all have prevailed my entire life. As a little boy playing with an impressive Matchbox car collection to laying in the yard looking up through the pines at the clouds wondering what to do next. Enthusiastic hours spent building a fort in the woods or a treehouse in the backyard coupled with lethargic hours spent telling ourselves we had nothing to do. Boredom always best fought off by engaging the gears of our imagination so we could create hours of delight often doing something we’d not done before. Or doing things we’d done a million times before. And ready to do it again one more time because we loved it so.
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate any amount you’d like.
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Shameless
An adjective meaning insensible to disgrace
Retirement
A noun meaning a withdrawal from one’s position or occupation or from active working life or the age at which one normally retires
The United States adopted an initial retirement age of 65 with the Social Security Act of 1935. By the mid-20th century, almost all countries had adopted a retirement age of between 60-65. About 40% of Americans receive Social Security retirement benefits as their exclusive income. The average benefit is just over $1700 monthly.
Financial advice is varied, but advisors widely suggest no more than 70% of your retirement income should come from Social Security. If you were to collect the average amount – $1700 – then you’d have a monthly income of about $2400 if that math worked in your life. That’s $28,800 a year, hardly a comfortable living for most people.
However, as of this year (2023), the average check to 65-year-olds is about $2500 a month. Apply that 70% suggestion, then your total monthly income could rise to $3600, or $43,200 a year. That’s $14,400 more than $28,800.
Lots of people are doing the math urging folks to collect Social Security as soon as possible – age 62. For some, that may make sense. For others, it may not. I’m not an accountant or financial advisor. I’m just a guy sitting inside The Yellow Studio making observations about all this now that I’m 66-1/2, full retirement age.
Full Retirement Age
Full retirement age (FRA) is the age you must reach to receive full retirement benefits from Social Security. Your FRA varies depending on the year you were born. The FRA in the United States is 66 years and two months for those born in 1955, increasing gradually to 67 for those born in 1960 or later. Since my wife and I were born in 1957, 66-1/2 is our FRA. I achieved that in November and Rhonda hit it here in December.
Life is more than numbers, but the numbers matter. What about things other than numbers?
Routine and habits tend to overpower older lives. Neuroscience informs us that we’re all subject to habituation.
Habituation
Habituation is a decrease in response to a stimulus after repeated presentations. The American Psychological Association says it involves “growing accustomed to a situation or stimulus,” thereby diminishing its effectiveness.
We commonly call it being stuck. Getting in a rut.
What produces satisfaction or happiness?
Meaning is number one. Control is number two.
We need meaning in our lives. Some way where we measure our worth or value in the world.
We also need a degree of control over our own lives. Freedom is choice – the ability to make a choice is largely how we execute control.
As we grow older both of these can be challenges. No surprise because both are challenges no matter our age.
We’ve all experienced moments where we hit a high in meaning and control. Like that first big raise we got, it didn’t seem to last. Things seem to settle into some sort of a norm sooner than later.
The hedonic treadmill is the idea that an individual’s level of happiness, after rising or falling in response to positive or negative life events, ultimately tends to move back toward where it was prior to these experiences. It’s like that proverbial set point for our weight. Changing that thermostat is hard. Doable, but hard.
This is where habituation is a double-edged sword. It helps us progress and move forward even though it may rob us of some joy. And without habituation, we’re incapable of moving. Imagine having to make every little decision afresh every day. How exhausting would that be? So we need habits to a point. We just need to be mindful of our need for – the benefits of – change! New things. New experiences. New learning. Growth.
Scary can be good. Sure, it can be bad, too. But just because it’s scary doesn’t mean it’s one or the other. It means scary is uncomfortable because it’s outside our habits.
It’s how we effectively combat boredom or complacency. Joy and happiness are not the result of boredom or complacency.
Meaning. Control. Happiness. Joy. Fulfillment. Contentment. Purpose.
Pile on top of that some other words.
Overhead. Expenses. Income. Savings. Bills.
Add still more.
Family. Relationships. Community.
These aren’t age-specific terms. Whether we’re young, old, or somewhere in between these words all matter. Some bubble up to the top and overpower the others. Then they fall back down somewhere on the hierarchy of what matters most to us. In that moment. It’s that roller-coaster that is our life as we navigate challenges, opportunities, and whatever mundaneness rules our lives.
The other night Rhonda and I are watching Outlander. She’s read the books and we’re now up to season 7, the most current one. Well, as with most great stories, there’s lots of action. Constant drama. Ongoing challenges and difficult circumstances. Jamie and Claire are the main characters, a husband and wife. I said, “They can’t just settle on a little farm somewhere and live a happy life.” Rhonda replied, “There wouldn’t be much of a story to that.” Exactly.
But so often we claim we’d prefer this trouble-free existence. A life where everything is boring and mundane. But if we had a life like that we’d grow disengaged, disinterested, and ridiculously miserable. Research has shown if you put people in a room with nothing to do except to give themselves a mild shock, they’ll shock themselves. Just to feel something. Just to do something. Instead of sitting passively doing nothing except being alone with your thoughts, you’ll shock yourself. Fascinating proof that we crave engagement.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a motivational theory in psychology comprising a five-tier model of human needs, often depicted as hierarchical levels within a pyramid. I suspect once you move up past the first and second levels things can vary depending on how we roll, but I don’t think there’s much doubt that those first two are real survival needs, which is why money is so important. Whether it’s income or savings, money enters and exits our lives daily because we have physical and safety needs. We need a place to live. Food to eat. Clothes to wear. A place to sleep. And we need to know we’re not going to constantly fight to stay alive in the process.
As we get older those first stages of needs can become more challenging. It’s amplified when control begins to slip away, too. Meaning erodes, too. It’s a recipe for late-life misery.
Age takes a toll on all of us. Just recently President Jimmy Carter buried former First Lady Rosalynn Carter, his wife of 77 years. President Carter is 99. Age doesn’t care any more than death. Death, which ideally is preceded by old age, comes for everybody. And however difficult youth may seem, old age is more difficult, but hopefully, life has taught us the resolve needed to navigate it successfully. Hopefully, we’re surrounded by family that will help us. Still, it’s up to each of us to do our part to battle what we can, accept what we can’t battle, and keep moving – even if it’s a mere inch at a time – forward toward what is next.
Now What?
It’s the most important two-word question I know to ask of myself or those I coach. As I stare into an abyss of misery presented in the form of some current challenge, I ask myself, “Now what?” Now what am I going to do? Now what’s my best move forward?
As I help somebody staring into their own abyss, I ask of them, “Now what?” Now what do you want to do? Now what are you going to do?
No point in fixating on how we got here except to learn from it.
No point in finger-pointing so we can assign blame.
No point in feeling sorry for ourselves.
No point in assuming the role of a victim. We may think that’s helpful, but it’s not.
Mostly, we’re the victims of our own making. Not always, but much of the time.
Shameless retirement is about owning it. It’s about figuring out how we can best move forward later in life. It’s not about resignation from growth, learning or improvement. Rather, it’s about figuring out to to keep making those components remain vital in our daily existence.
Some days you eat the bear. Some days the bear eats you.
a proverb meaning sometimes you win and sometimes you lose; everybody has successes and failures
Still, we press on. Unashamed. Because our progress is our own unique journey that we hopefully share with somebody we love – and somebody who loves us. And more than maybe ever before, it’s about behaving in a way where we have pride in ourselves, but not because what we’re doing is performative. It’s not about showing off, but it is about showing ourselves.
The old couple has been married for almost 60 years. Their little frame house was built about 40 years ago. They bought it new. Less than 1000 square feet has defined their married life as far as a house goes. They drive a modest little Toyota. About 8 years ago they constructed a small, micro-bedroom suite in their basement to see if they might rent it on Airbnb. Turns out it resulted in nightly rentals of about $50, which made an enormous difference in their financial lives. A godsend they’ll tell you.
They seem quite contented. Happy even.
Game nights with neighbors. Friends who have lived around them for years occupy their lives.
I have no idea what their financial situation looks like, but it appears their needs are met and financially, that’s good enough. Those other needs seem to be well under control as they march forward day by day. Month by month. Year by year.
Does it matter if miles away some other couple, years younger, may occupy a million-dollar house on a lake? Nope.
Does it matter if somebody else – even a close neighbor or friend – has an investment portfolio that makes them look pathetic? Nope.
Does it matter how they stack up financially, emotionally, physically, or spiritually to anybody else? Nope.
And it’s got nothing to do with retirement really. Or being older. Mostly, it seems to have to do with living without shame. Living respectfully, respectably, honorably. Being the best human we know to be. Putting in the hard work to build the highest integrity possible.
I’ll add to it – because I’m an unashamed Christian – devoting ourselves fully to God, the Creator.
The Apostle Paul wrote to the congregation in Rome in Romans 1:16 “For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.”
Contrast that with another scripture that properly depicts a life of depravity, selfishness, and sin.
Jeremiah 6:15 “Were they ashamed when they committed abomination? No, they were not at all ashamed; they did not know how to blush. Therefore they shall fall among those who fall; at the time that I punish them, they shall be overthrown,” says the LORD.”
Shame is helpful when we’re deserving of it. When we’re wrong it can help us course correct.
Shamelessness is beneficial when we’ve earned it. When our behavior gives us no reason to be ashamed.
Not because we’re better than somebody else because we can always find somebody doing it worse than us.
Not because we’re worse than somebody else because we can always find somebody doing it even worse.
Shame and shamelessness are uniquely our own merit based on right and wrong. Some of that, spiritually is an absolute truth, based on the Bible as the Word of God. Some of that, as in how we manage our retirement, is uniquely our own decision to navigate it however we choose.
I would hope by the time we reach retirement age we’ve learned a valuable lesson. What others choose to do in their retirement has no impact on us…unless we let it!
So what have I learned now that I’ve reached full retirement age…and now that I’m days away from getting my first Social Security check?
I could pine about what I might wish I’d done sooner, but that’s past and I now don’t have statistical time to do anything about it except perhaps to pass it on, but I’m going to refrain. Because if you’re younger, you stopped listening thinking, “Retirement? I’m decades away from that.” And if you’re older, then you’re in the same boat as me – it’s too late to do much about it now. For example, I could tell you I wish I’d invested MORE, earlier and just let it sit in something steady and slow like an S&P Index fund. But since I don’t really feel like I’ve got decades to ride out the stock market fluctuations, that’s not really helpful to me now.
Here’s what I have learned that may be helpful though.
It’s your life, your money, and your choice. Nobody else gets a vote or a say. Unless you decide you’ll give it to them. Don’t.
It’s your responsibility. All of it. You’re not a victim except of your own bad decisions. Don’t repeat them. Fix them if you can. If you can’t, figure out the best way to move forward in spite of them.
It may not be what you most hoped for, but it can still be alright. Again, you must find a way forward. If that means lowering your expectations, then get busy and get ‘er done! Life isn’t going to wait so don’t waste it.
Debt will destroy you. Ditch it as quickly as possible. If you don’t have it, don’t take it on now. Other than health, it’s the single biggest game changer in determining the quality of your life.
Make up your mind to finish strong. Even if your start, or middle wasn’t spectacular…remember it’s how you finish. So finish strong!
Others. It’s not about you. It’s about your impact on others. Be as impactful as you can – in all the best ways. Do for others what they might be unable to do for themselves. Let service define your life. You get to decide what that looks like for you. I spend hours a day listening to people as they battle their challenges. I podcast. I create. I write. I preach. The root of it all is my urge to make a positive difference for others. Fundamentally it’s selfish I suppose because it may do much more for me than it does for somebody else. I do it because I’m wired for it, I love it and I learned long ago – I’m good at it.
Cash flowing life is for me the very best choice! Retirement doesn’t mean not earning income. I continue to work. The work isn’t the same. But income matters and I’m now focused on how much time I’ll trade for how much money. It’s a two-fold equation. How do I want to spend my days? How much do I want to earn? I’m harmonizing the two. For me, that works. You do you.
My financial goals have changed through the years. Today, I want to earn as much money as I make through Social Security. As a couple, if we can match that with our monthly earnings we’ll be more than comfortable. It’s not about opulence or being fancy. It’s about contentment and resting easy. Free of fretfulness and worry. As much as possible.
About a year ago I began to carefully plan this stage of life. As I put numbers into a spreadsheet of projected and real monthly expenses I had an epiphany. And I am just a man in search of an epiphany. I started thinking of income in terms of months of expenses. It happened when I put some money into a high-yield CD. When the CD matured I realized the return would be equal to a few months of total overhead. That made me start thinking in those terms. With investments and income. The game grew and became this question, “How many months of expenses can I defray – and how quickly?” So if a CD investment can shave off 2-3 months of expenses, then that leaves me with 9-10 months of income I need to earn to offset the balance of months.
Figure out what game you want to play and enjoy it. Embrace it. Execute it. Make the most of it and if it works swimmingly, great. If it doesn’t, adjust.
Fall in love every day.
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Establish your own priorities. This one is mine. I don’t always get it right, but it’s a constant point of emphasis. God comes first. He demands it.
I fall in love with Rhonda every single day. I chose to because I chose her. As we approach our 46th wedding anniversary I refuse to let complacency or boredom rule our marriage. I refuse to let any other human become a bigger priority. It doesn’t mean I love the rest of my family less because we all have a greater capacity for love than we likely realize. It means she’s THE priority for me though. And I hope to behave in a way that I continue to help her fall in love with me more every day.
Laugh. Smile.
It’s a verb. An action word. Do it. Find a way.
You see me post lots of cartoons. Ballard Street. Herman. Far Side. They make me laugh. Smile. Funny is a big part of my daily existence. I’m always interested in things I find funny. Like music, I can’t imagine living without humor.
Cry. Embrace sorrow.
Not just for yourself, but firstly, for others. Let the tears move you to do something if you’re able. If you’re not, let tears move you anyway because it means you’re not past feeling. It means your empathy is intact and that makes you a better human.
Give it a moment or a time. Don’t fall into a hole of darkness that’s hard to pull away from, but lean into sadness or sorrow. Know why you’re feeling what you’re feeling.
Share. Don’t go it alone.
Be vulnerable with somebody. We’re all fighting a fight. We’re all happy about something. We need others to laugh with, to cry with, to plan with, to make our lives fuller. Richer.
We also need people who will push us to become better.
Some weeks ago upon greeting a client, I inquired how life was treating him. He said, “I couldn’t be better.” I replied, “Sure you could.” We laughed. It’s what I do. I laugh. I challenge. He knows I have no dog in the hunt except to help him become better. Always better!
Surround yourself with somebody – or a group of somebodies – who can do that for you.
Expel the unsafe people from your life. All of them. As quickly as you can.
Don’t confuse this with people who want your best and challenge you. While you need those people to be safe, understand their safety is because they have only your best interests at heart. There’s nothing in it for them except seeing you succeed.
Unsafe people are those people who do not have our best interests in mind. They’re only thinking of themselves. They want what they want and they mostly want you to conform to whatever will help them achieve their outcome. They’re filled with harsh, critical, self-based judgment and any errors or mistakes you make will probably be publicly held against you. In a word, they’re toxic.
You can’t get them out of your life fast enough. I’ve never anybody err on the side of removing such people too quickly. Mostly, because I don’t think it’s possible.
Keep asking, “Now what?”
Today is a page. Perhaps an entire chapter. As long as you’re alive you’re writing your life. Don’t stop writing.
Turn the page and figure out how to create the most profitable chapter you can today. Right now. This moment.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate any amount you’d like.
Amazon Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell [at] gmail [dot] com).
Thank you!
Sorry. My usual show notes don’t exist. And I was too lazy this time of year to write them. But I do have a couple of calls to action.
One, join us over in the Facebook group if you care. I’d love to have you in the group.
Two, support my efforts to lean hard into video in 2024. My goal is to crowd-fund $1000. I’m about 50% there so it’s coming along. But you can help me out if you’d like (see below).
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me
Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate any amount you’d like.
Amazon Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell [at] gmail [dot] com).
Thank you!
I appreciate you all very much. Thank you.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me
Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate
Sweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell [at] gmail [dot] com).
Thank you!
The Reality Distortion Field. Guy “Bud” Tribble was Vice President of Software Technology at Apple Inc. As Apple was developing the first Macintosh computer in 1981, Bud used the term to describe Apple’s founder Steve Jobs. The term seems to have originated in a 1966 episode of Star Trek when it was used to describe how the aliens encountered by the crew of the starship Enterprise created their own new world through mental force.
It seems the great thinkers who are doers, like Steve Jobs, embrace (and enjoy) living in the reality distortion field of their own making. That is, they see things the rest of us don’t. Vivid imagination coupled with obsession drive produces the likes of Steve Jobs and Elon Musk.
Is it distortion though?
It is when compared to the current state. Coupling the term “reality” to it makes it seem as though it’s delusion. Something that’s inaccurate, or unreal. Not true to the reality. Like a photograph that’s distorted. Or the lenses in a pair of mis-prescribed glasses.
The achievements of self-driven maniacs to build great things, or to solve complex problems don’t seem to the result of delusion though. Rather, they seem to be imagined by people capable of seeing what the rest of us can’t. Yet.
“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” ― Aristotle
The madness is subjective. What appears as madness to one feels ordinary to another.
“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” ― George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman
I think that term better conveys the truth, unreasonable. It’s less of a reality distortion field and more of an unreasonable – or beyond current reasoning – view of what is possible. It’s a reality bending field where the unreasonable man adapts or bends the current reality into a new, improved future reality. Then continues to do it over and over again.
Apple is introducing the iPhone 15. I’m currently producing today’s show on a 2023 Apple MacBook Pro. Nevermind that just this week Apple introduced some brand new MacBook Pro models. In 1984 I purchased the first Apple Macintosh computer. That was then. This is now. Not even Steve Jobs, in 2011 at the time of his death, could have imagined the current technology. Had he lived, he most certainly would have figured it out though – and who knows what bigger, better products may have emerged under the Apple brand name?
Steve Jobs died 12 years ago (October 5, 2011). Who knows what he may have imagined? Or what things he may have seen as persisted in trying to bend the present technology to fit his vision? It’s what unreasonable men do. Mostly, unreasonable people find a way, not an excuse.
We embrace different degrees and characteristics of unreasonableness as we navigate the various chapters of our life.
“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” ― T.S. Eliot
How unreasonable are you? And in what ways – or about what things – are you unreasonable? Are they positive or destructive?
Some of the titans of innovation have been so focused on what they see and what they want that others around them pay a high price. Sometimes, it’s a price willingly paid. For example there are stories of high level employees of Apple and other high-performing companies where they burned out due to the intensity, pressure and elevated expectations. Opting for employment elsewhere, some experience boredom though because the pace is slower, the expectations lower and the strain much less difficult. In the absence of those things that burned them out they realized there was a void in their daily joy so they returned back to the company from which they resigned. Is that unreasonableness positive or destructive? Maybe both.
There are other stories of these mono-maniacs on a mission (Tom Peters coined that phrase in “In Search of Excellence”) who are incredibly accomplished at work, but miserable humans at home with family and friends. Unwilling, or unable to separate themselves from the pursuits they behave poorly in their private lives. In fact, many behave poorly professionally, but they often are able make that tyranny work for them inside the confines of their company. Armed with a lack of desire to be liked at work, they’re often unlikeable no matter where they go. Or no matter whom may be around them.
Again, an unreasonableness that is simultaneously positive and destructive. Positive in getting things done, even seemingly impossible things. Destructive in that the accomplishment takes a toll on relationships. The most unreasonable people don’t care though.
The hero worship desire may prompt us to apply benefit where no benefit is sought by the unreasonable person. We may ascribe the desire to solve some grand humane proble when the reality may be the unreasonable man is merely seeking to outrun a youthful shadow filled with angst, pain and suffering. A driven desire to be somebody special in order to prove an abusive mother or father wrong!
Perhaps the unreasonable person is simply driven to be rich and powerful. There may be nothing altruistic about their motives, but we may find it hard to fathom that somebody could be so driven for something so basic, so primal. Just as we hear said of every murder victim – “they were kind and helpful and loved by everybody” – we’re tempted to characterize the high-achieving unreasonable person as one who possessing a deep yearning to do good. History shows us that’s not accurate. And the kindest of murder victims was clearly not loved by everybody, especially their murderer.
Unreasonableness, like most things, isn’t an absolute. There are degrees and exceptions. On every extreme.
Awareness. Self-awareness. When it comes to our unreasonableness, our reasonableness and whether or not our conduct and behavior are helpful or harmful.
Lately, I’ve been focused on detrimental behavior. Mostly, my own, but also looking at all harmful conduct. What prompted most of this was the notions of struggle, adversity and suffering. Strength is improved by struggling to overcome or endure. In a word, it’s “resistance.” We grow and improve when we resist.
We weaken ourselves when we don’t.
Finding a way is about becoming an experienced warrior. Doing battle. It’s not about winning every battle, but it’s about fighting the fight and not losing so badly we’re unable to fight again.
Finding an excuse is looking for somebody or something to blame so we can avoid accepting responsibility. It’s about letting ourselves off the the accountability hook. Finding an excuse is avoiding the corner where the magic happens. That corner where we can back into and rid ourselves of all excuses. Where all the fuel for our excuses is extinguished. When we back ourselves into that corner we learn there’s only one way out. Forward.
But let’s avoid being confused…thinking all the answers are within ourselves. They’re not. God is the Creator. He’s God, we’re not. We need guidance through His Word. Do you want to learn more, then visit Let The Bible Speak, or In Thy Paths.
These choices are drastically different and they result in dramatically different outcomes.
We can spend our time finding excuses and we’ll find weakness, failure and inefficiency.
We can find a way and discover strength, resilience and success.
P.S. Next Thursday is Thanksgiving! I hope it’s a happy and safe one for you and your family. I’ll be taking off the next couple of weeks. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy your family. Enjoy your friends.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me
Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate
Sweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell [at] gmail [dot] com).
Thank you!
There’s a Chinese proverb that declares owning two houses is a path toward madness. That’s probably true, but I wouldn’t know. I’ve never owned two houses ’cause I’ve never been part of the rich and famous.
I’m practical. And I’m not rich by American standards, but I’m extremely wealthy by global standards (and by my own measurements). I’m content with my life and grateful for every blessing – most of them are priceless any way!
From my practical viewpoint I’ve never quite understood folks who maintain multiple houses. Even the super rich. The exceptions are those folks who spend a lot of time in multiple places. Do the math and it just doesn’t make much sense to me. I remember reading about super rich who own homes all over the world. This particular article mentioned how many days each owner was at any given house. Outside of their primary residence, most spent mere days at the other places. At most. Some admitted they had not visited some of their houses in over a year. Yet, these houses – admittedly mansions each and every one – had hundreds of thousands invested annually just to maintain them. Given that you can rent anything from a single bedroom to a mansion, I just haven’t figured out the economic sense of that kind of home ownership. But it’s their money and I respect their right to do what they want with their own money. I don’t get a vote. I don’t want a vote, but I would like to understand. Could be it’s far more satisfying to claim ownership of all those houses.
At a more common level may be people who have a primary house, then some vacation house. Years ago I first encountered somebody up lived in a northern state. They’d talk about going to “the cabin” on a weekend. I had visions of some nice getaway place in a remote area. Maybe on a lake. Certainly in some woods. Turns out they had a very small place in a more touristy area that was by a lake. I never saw it in person, but pictures of it showed it was a very modest little 2-bedroom, 1-bathroom house built decades ago. They had purchased it for under $50,000 many years ago and the annual cost was as close to nothing as you could probably get. They’d go visit this place each month, sometimes more. Rather than plan annual vacations they had decided – years earlier – to invest in a single place they felt they could enjoy year after year. That made sense to me.
I know some other folks who invested in a vacation place they weren’t able to visit more than a couple of times a year, but it was a place where they hoped to retire one day. As the years rolled on, the property value increased proving they had made a smart purchase by buying it when they could afford it. In some cases, the cost of living in some of these places escalated beyond their reach and they found it better to sell. Sure, they made a handsome profit, but that retirement goal was completely wrecked. In other cases, the property value went up but the people could still afford to cash out of their primary residence to retire to what was once their vacation house.
Having a second place to go – a place to get away to – appeals to many of us. Maybe it’s fully an American thing to own a second place versus being able to rent a place. Calling it our own certainly feels differently. But it can feel badly if it’s too expensive or too much work.
Sometimes the things that seem awesome turn out to become a big nightmare. Here’s an article by Financial Samurai, Reasons Why You Should Not Buy A Vacation Property.” You’ll find lots of online information and many horror stories. I’m sure for some, it works out magnificently, but it deserves sober thought and an awareness of what could go wrong.
But I’m not here to tell anybody what to do. Rather, I’m going to share what we’re doing and then you can figure out what lessons might benefit you.
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
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Thank you!
To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with. —Mark Twain
Rhonda and I went on our first date on July 2, 1975. On January 2, 1978 we were married. This coming January 2, 2024 will mark our 46th anniversary.
Today, let’s talk about marriage. More accurately, let’s just dip our toe in the water of conversation about marriage.
Enjoy this old Vince Gill song about old love.
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate
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Thank you!
So we can take full advantage of what they know. Their insights, experience and wisdom need to be more easily passed on.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate
Sweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell [at] gmail [dot] com).
Thank you!
Critics are men who watch a battle from a high place, then come down and shoot the survivors. -Ernest Hemingway
I was 11 when I learned how men will clamor for power and authority. Sitting along side my father I watched men wrangle, argue and get worked up. Cooperation was absent. Collaboration wasn’t even an afterthought. The only objective was, “Who is in charge?” And it was apparent to me that more than more man wanted the role. Hence, the wrangling.
Life rolled on and as a young teenager working in a stereo store I saw more of the pecking order. I’d grown up seeing it so it wasn’t new. First appearance was likely on the playground as we’d all try to figure out what we’d play. Invariably somebody installed themself as the contrarian – the person who would go against what everybody else wanted. I quickly realized it had nothing to do with preference and everything to do with control. Power. Authority. Hoping to gain an advantage that might be imposed on the rest of us. Thankfully, I grew up in an American that wasn’t yet awakened. #Woke Mostly, such tactics didn’t work because we refused to cooperate. Lemmingitus would arrive later in America. It’s now a global epidemic.
Bullies almost always ran up against a tougher opponent. Or a group of people who figured together they could conquer a single bully who might have a few buddies hanging on. I was still in elementary school when I learned a verbal punch to the mouth could back a bully down. Quickly. It didn’t hurt that I wasn’t a shrimpy kid. I was tall and husky. Husky was once a size of boy’s clothing. True.
Bravery to confront the bully wasn’t hard for me. Watching, listening, paying close attention taught me mostly there was substantially louder barking than actual biting. Besides, I wasn’t terribly afraid of being bitten. Justice and rightness were more important to me. And peace.
By the time I was in 6th grade I was a world-class peace keeper. Experience will do that. I’ve no way of knowing how many fights I broke up. Or how many arguments I shut down. Enough that it taught me lifelong lessons in how to do it successfully.
Mostly, I didn’t want to be in charge, but I didn’t want anybody else to be either. That is, I knew my parents were my authority – and God. But we’re all out here in the yard playing and why did we need somebody to be in charge? Seemed best that we all just work to some agreement so we could get on with the business of playing before it got dark and we all had to go home. Playing was way more fun than arguing or fussing.
I grew up. And increasingly saw men (I’m excluding women only because as a boy growing up my experience was mostly with other men) willing to behave poorly as they fought for positions of power. Or esteem.
Pride goeth before a fall.
I’d learned that from the Bible. Heard it preached at worship services. Knew Bible stories that illustrated it well.
Ecclesiastes 10:6 Fools are put in many high positions, while the rich occupy the low ones.
I believed it.
I confess I’ve never had a day where I thought I was the smartest person in the room. Or the playground. Or at work. Or in the classroom. Rather, I knew I was not. Always dissatisfied with current knowledge and understanding I sought to learn more. Curious enough to ask the stupid question, I’d blindly ask without much thought to how ridiculous it might make me look. I figured I looked and sounded ridiculous anyway, so I might as well know and understand whilst looking and sounding ridiculous!
As with most episodes, I’ve given this subject considerable thought for a long, long time. Mostly because my curiosity continues to grow on the subject of power, authority, control and tyranny.
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
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Restlessness is discontent and discontent is the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure. – Thomas A. Edison
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
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Thank you!
During my first few months at a brand new job – my first job where I wasn’t working for my dad – I had a routine. I’d get out of class, drive to work and within minutes of walking into the stereo shop I would make my way to one of the sound rooms (yep, we had actual rooms with various stereo equipment set up; each room had sliding glass patio doors). I’d slip the vinyl out of the jacket, put the record on the turntable, grab a record cleaner called DiscWasher and clean it. Then, I’d lower the tonearm, turn up the volume knob on the amp and enjoy listening to Earth, Wind & Fire sing their famous song, “Shining Star.” The beginning (and middle and end) of that song continues to be among my all-time favorites. It was a terrific record.
“You’re a shining star, no matter who you are. Shining bright to see what you can truly be.”
Let’s get the obvious out of the way. Not everybody has the same brilliance in their shine. Truth is, some of us are quite dim with no shine at all. Dull. The wasted lives are visible proof. Too many lifeless eyes and emotionless expressions thanks to alcohol, Fentanyl and other narcotics.
Others are so bright others have a hard time even looking at them (or listening to them). Most have overcome adversities few fully know or understand. People determined to find a path forward. Resolved to reach a higher orbit where only the shining people reside.
Notice the lyric isn’t “I’m a shining star, no matter who I am.” Well, that doesn’t quite have the ring, but I notice pronouns. You’re – you are isn’t the same as I’m – I am. But the “no matter who you are” is inclusive, right?
In our heads, we don’t often think or feel like shining stars. It’s easy to see others as shining more brightly than we do. Just like it’s easier to focus on what we don’t have, than on what we do. Or to focus on what we can’t do versus what we can. It’s like we’re always doing exactly the opposite of what’s good for us.
I’ve noodled around with this particular episode for over 3 years. The draft beginning has sat here inside my WordPress dashboard that long. I’d come to look at it, think about it, write a little bit, then abandon it. Don’t know why.
It’s not because I didn’t like the topic. I guess I got distracted by other things. The likely explanation is that it’s just too upbeat and positive.
Rhonda’s last birthday – this past summer – provoked a revisit of today’s show idea. I used to whip her with a letter on every birthday. I don’t mean the letter R or some other letter, but a hand-written or typed out letter. I haven’t done it the last couple of years because I know it beats her down. She’s not nearly as sappy or sentimental as I am.
I can’t quite remember what prompted the beginning of this episode. Maybe I was thinking about Rhonda being the foremost shining star in my life. And now, as we’re nearing the end of another year, maybe that provoked some ideas.
Then there’s all this talk about mental health and the recent suicides in the news.
Then there’s the rampant disease of comparison-itis where so many folks let other people determine their level of satisfaction or happiness. It’s especially rampant during the summer, vacation months where people Instagram their exotic vacation photos. And others view them with envy wishing they could afford a single night at a local fancy hotel. Envy is a bitter thing.
As I am wont to do, I was thinking of these, and a variety of other things when I came back to this post.
A person you love very much. Let’s start there. In my case, my wife of over 40 years. Who celebrated a birthday last Sunday. Our family is officially celebrating this coming Sunday. We do things like that. Delay celebrations to match a more convenient time for everybody.
I was playing that Earth, Wind & Fire record – That’s The Way Of The World – as soon as it came out in January 1975. Rhonda and I wouldn’t go out on our first date until July 2, 1975. I’d been listening to that record almost daily for half a year. I didn’t listen to this in my car – 8 tracks were the musical form factor at the time. I only listened to this record on a good home stereo system. I still don’t know why. But funk wasn’t part of the musical mix deployed while driving.
That’s only important because during our first dates music by Jackson Browne and Pure Prairie League were the default go-to artists. I learned rather quickly that her musical tastes and experiences were fairly limited and not terribly congruent with my own. No matter, I fell in love with her quickly despite the fact that I owned no Beach Boys’ 8-tracks. I figured I wouldn’t impose Lou Reed, Led Zepellin and Little Feat on her right away.
Earth, Wind & Fire were on break during that July 4th holiday of 1975. But they dominated the rest of the year. Going back to class and work at the hi-fi shop were made easier thanks to this song. Uplifting, funky and the kind of tune to make your toes tap and your shoulders sway. It still has that power.
Rhonda was (and still is) a shining star. You’ve got one I suppose. I hope. It’s important stuff.
I slapped the headphones on and listened to this song about 3 times in a row while preparing for today’s show. Toward the end of the song, when the instruments go quiet and all you hear is the vocal harmonies…it dawned on me that a big part of what drives us is to BE a shining star to somebody else.
It’s more of that wonderment of us doing exactly the opposite of what’s often good for us. Not that finding somebody who is our shining star is bad for us. It’s not. But it can dominate our thinking, preventing us from better understanding and learning how we can be a shining star for somebody else.
I’m hopeful that with Rhonda I killed two birds with one stone. She’s my star and I’m hoping I’m hers. Some days I figure I’m more like space trash, but so it goes. You have to earn your star every day, right?
Speaking of being discouraged.
I’m always keenly aware of people who are suffering. Trouble attracts me. Like a magnet. It’s who I am. Coach, counselor, service provider, helper…pick some other description you prefer. They all apply to me. I have Spidey-senses for it. My intuition is always on full alert for folks needing a leg up. I’m quick to respond. It’s like a reflex. Almost automatic.
Last week we talked about how some folks relish having a bad day…and make it who they are. I usually steer pretty clear of such folks. I’m talking about the folks who quietly suffer and endure. There’s a vibe I get knowing somebody is going through a hard time. I can’t explain it. I don’t even fully understand it. Best I can tell, from all my study and observation, is that we all have these micro signals we give off. Some people are like me, we pick up even the most subtle signs. Others don’t even notice.
I’ve learned not to intrude or impose. Instead, I politely inquire. That’s usually all that’s required to break the dam and begin the conversation because I’ve also learned that such people crave somebody they can confide in. Safe harbors are inviting. Rare, but inviting.
When you’re a no-talent hack, you have to lean hard into the one-trick you’ve got. This is my trick. Without it, I might just be space trash. But with it, I can be a shining star for a few.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate
Sweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell [at] gmail [dot] com).
Thank you!
Many motivational speakers talk about having had a bad day. Most go on to share how they lost it all, or how life crushed them down below the ground level. Or left them homeless and destitute. But…
The Phoenix will always rise back up.
Never mind that quite a few stories we hear are fabricated. But not all of them.
Let’s talk about truth though. True stories. Your story. My story.
Reality.
“You had a bad day.”
Pain is a common topic for many people. I’m not talking about physical, injury-based or sickness-based pain. I’m talking about victim-based pain. “You hurt me,” kind of pain. “You did me wrong,” kind of pain.
The Internet has increasingly become a place where people enjoy airing out all their dirty laundry and pining about how much trauma they’ve experienced. For those inclined to see themselves as victims, the Internet is boomtown! A thriving place to enjoy feeling sorry for oneself. And for blaming others for one’s lot in life.
In spite of Tik Tok influencers who want to blast the boomers (my generation) for failing to understand things like work ethic, or why we have no clue about life in the world today, or a host of other complaints which every younger generation makes about the older generation (read your history and you’ll find many of those hippies who attended Woodstock went on to become quite successful on Wall Street and other places associated with financial success). Every generation thinks it’s the smartest one to ever come along until they get old and realize how wrong they were.
I don’t care about where anybody is on the timeline of life because there’s nothing we can do about it. I didn’t have a say in being a baby boomer. I just was. My kids had no say in being Gen X or Millennial. By the way, if you’re as confused as I am about these labels I found this chart to be helpful.
Until I saw that chart I didn’t know there were 2 distinct groups of Boomers. It’s such a big group I suppose they figured it deserved to be split up. Generation Jones Boomers are those, like me, who were too young to be drafted into military service because of the war in Viet Nam. Our parents were mostly those Post War folks, people whose dad served in World War II.
Times Are Always Changing
And with it, language. Words like trauma.
For my generation trauma, suffering and pain denote something very different than they do for a Gen Z person. Being slighted by somebody, snubbed or even ridiculed isn’t any of those things for me, but they’re common among Gen Z. If you were write a mean, hateful review of this podcast for Apple Podcasts I would not think much of it. I certainly wouldn’t be traumatized by it. It would likely cause me no discomfort. I might be puzzled by it, but my viewpoint would have a lot more to do with the author of the review than me. I’d likely wonder what’s happening on somebody’s life that might compel them to use such a platform to air their grievance. And it’d be likely that the person to write such a review would have never reached out to me because that’s not how these things tend to go.
But take that same scenario and apply it to a podcaster half my age and it could devastate them. Might even cause them to quit podcasting. A single hateful review.
A complete stranger wielding that kind of power seems strangely weird to me, but I see it constantly. Podcasters (and anybody else doing something) consider themselves traumatized by some unjust critic. The trauma is only possible because we give others permission. We say YES to whatever it is we think is happening. Or we reject it and move on with our life, which is what I choose to do.
A person has a bad day. They take it out on me. And that affects me how? It doesn’t if I don’t let it. It can cause me to have a day, too – IF I permit. IF I decide I’m going to be negatively impacted by some ninnie who has no clue about me, or my life, or what’s going on with me – some stranger who happens to click PLAY on my podcast – then that’s on me, not them. By the way, no such thing has happened so I’m only speaking fictitiously because I’m so well-loved nobody would dare be ugly about me. Certainly not in public.
Did my generation grow up learning to care less what others thought? Maybe.
Did my generation grow up not clamoring for approval? Likely.
Did my generation grow up working for tyrants and “the man?” Absolutely, but there were exceptions (even though they may have been few)
Did my generation learn work ethic worked and benefited our life? Of course.
Did my generation get it all right? Nope.
Here’s the difference. Because Boomers are older, we’ve endured more bad days. We’ve had to figure more out because we lived longer. Experience matters.
It also means we’ve experienced more mistakes. Found more things that didn’t work. And hopefully, we’ve figured out a few things that do work.
True value is from the self-reflection on those experiences though. The passing of time isn’t where the magic is found. It helps and it’s necessary, but it’s only valuable if we learn from it. Learning demands self-reflection and sober thinking about what we’ve experienced.
Perspective matters when it’s based on accumulated wisdom. Accumulated wisdom only happens when we learn, grow and improve.
Parents get it. As we’re teaching our kids certain things that we learned long ago, it’s disconcerting whenever they behave as though they’ve already figured it out when we see them clearly struggling to learn it. But with youth comes a degree of insecurity manifested as arrogance.
Well, permit some clarification. Some of us who are older parents get it.
Just this week I was listening to a couple of podcasts whose hosts were between 30 and 45. One told the story of being down on the beach and his 4-year-old daughter refused to come in. The family had been at the beach all day and it was time to retreat back to where they were staying. The little girl didn’t want to leave and began to pitch a wild-eyed fit. Dad picked her up and she started screaming, “You’re hurting me, you’re hurting me.” Followed by, “I hate you, I hate you.” He had to carry her about 150 yards he said with her yelling those things the entire time. During the podcast he’s lamenting, “There’s just nothing you can do.”
They get to their room and he’s trying to clean the sand off of her in the shower, but she’s continuing her rebellion. This continues, according to him, for 15 minutes while inside the bathroom. Again, he repeats, “There’s just nothing you can do. You’re stuck.”
I’m listening to this thinking, “Oh, yeah. There’s plenty you can do.” In fact, there’s so much you should do as a parent.
The other podcast a mom is talking about her daughter going ice skating for the first time. The daughter has never skated and doesn’t know how, but she’s screaming at her mom to let her go. Like the other little girl, she’s screaming how the mom is hurting her even though mom is simply attempting to hold up so she can stay on her feet. “What do you do?” asks the mom on the podcast. Her co-host, another mom, says there’s just nothing you can do. “You don’t want people to think you’re abusing your child.”
And I’m thinking, “…but you are abusing your child by not correcting them and disciplining them.” Spanking is political suicide because people stopped listening to God. We think leaving children to themselves is wise, but God sees it as a source of shame for parents. Society used to see it that way, too. But we outgrew God and His wisdom.
The Bible has a lot to say about what we owe our children in order to serve them.
“The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” – Proverbs 29:15
So many parents have a bad day because they’re unwilling to correct and serve their children. Now both parent and child are having a bad day. That bad day grows into a bad month, a bad year and may result in a bad life. All because the child deserved to learn what’s right and what’s wrong. What’s acceptable and what isn’t. Good or great behavior versus bad or poor behavior.
Political correctness has created so many bad days for so many people. And thankfully, the tide is now beginning – just beginning – to turn.
I avoided so many bad days because my parents and other adults in my life delivered a bad moment to me. A moment when I was spanked. A moment when I was scolded. A moment when I was warned – not threatened – that if I didn’t behave differently, then I’d suffer a consequence. Thankfully, I grew up in an era when parents warned. The difference between a warning and threat is a warning will most certainly have consequences if it’s not followed. A threat is empty. There’s much less certainty that there will be a consequence.
Bad Days Are Compounded When There Is No Correction
I was a pre-schooler in a small Oklahoma town where my dad had a service station and garage on Main Street. I enjoyed the smell of new tires, oil and all the other odors associated with that business. Mostly, I enjoyed the pinball machine that was inside the showroom area. I loved hanging around the place.
A preacher was coming to town, due to arrive at the bus station some blocks away. My dad was to pick him up.
This preacher was a fixture in my life. I loved hearing him preach and tell stories sitting in our home. But I was scared to death of him because he was an old man who didn’t suffer foolishness. Any kid who was unafraid of him was an idiot. If he scolded you, you snapped to.
I’d been lying. My mother’s attempts to correct this bad behavior had evidently fallen short. Knowing this preacher was mere moments away, and knowing how fearful I was of him, my mother warned me what would happen. Scared, I ran into the men’s room of my dad’s garage and locked the door refusing to come out. No screaming. No pitching a fit. Just fear knowing that I now had to face the consequences of my lying.
“When Lynwood comes, I’m gonna tell him what you’ve been doing (lying),” she warned.
My dad went to pick up Lynwood, the old preacher I loved, but feared. Within minutes a loud knock hit the bathroom door. “Randy, it’s Lynwood, come out here right now!”
That’s all I remember. I must have blacked out.
That was over 60 years ago. The lesson remains with me even though Lynwood has been dead for a number of years now. What if that wouldn’t have happened? What if my life experience didn’t include that? Would I be better because the adults in my life just endured my foolishness? I would not be a better human if the adults in my life – those who claimed to love me – would have simply said, “Well, there’s just nothing we can do about his lying.” But that’s what’s been happening for over 30 years now and it’s largely why so many more people are having bad days that turn into so much more!
Joining The “Feel Sorry For Me” Tribe
It’s an enormous tribe. Growing more by the day.
People enjoy being part of something. Acceptance is a big deal. It’s bigger when you’re younger. I know. Because I was once young, and now I’m old.
Today, I don’t much care what anybody thinks unless what they think is incorrect. I have zero respect for false accusers and I’ve had a few. Pompous, arrogant, judgment-filled, self-righteous idiots with a dishonest agenda. They exist. Worldwide.
But otherwise, I’m not working to impress anybody or be accepted by anybody or be popular among anybody. Interview anybody over the age of 60 and you’ll find fewer people who care about those things than when you interview anybody under the age of 30. This is where the woke culture has had a devastating impact. It has motivated an increasing number of people to become part of the tribe. Gallup proved the point with LGBT identification in U.S.
Now you could – and I think you’d be right – focus on the decline of morality. You could (again, you’d be right) focus on the decline in respect for God’s authority and design. All of that aside, there’s a reason it’s been promoted as “gay pride.” Young people want to be accepted. They want to be part of the approved tribe. Certainly a tribe with pride. Additionally, the push to transition the gender of little kids, while shocking, it’s fitting of the agenda. I wasn’t shocked by Gallup’s results based on generations. Nor is it shocking that DEI (diversity, equality and inclusion) is mandated in every arena – work, school, government and religious organizations. As a Christian, here’s my response. Read Romans chapter 1 or listen to today’s woke culture. I trust God and His Word. The Creator of the world holds more power and authority than anything or anybody.
From all the current sexual/gender tribes to the more innocuous “woe is me” tribes, it’s still a powerful cultural pull, especially for younger people. Acceptance and attention are powerful magnets for us. When I was growing up there were always those kids in class who disrupted school. Almost daily. The adults properly taught me that many of those kids wanted or needed attention. There was probably something to that. People chase attention in a variety of ways, some good and some bad.
Before my school experience I saw it in sickness. I noticed people who enjoyed the attention ill health got them. I was just a little kid who would later learn some of these people were sick all the time. They enjoyed having people ask, “How are you feeling today?” Without the illness, people might not ask, making them the center of attention. Then who would they be?
I’ve seen it trickle down in the past 20 years to relishing being a victim. Culture has contributed as society has shifted away from personal responsibility and accountability. It’s terrific. Nothing is my fault. I’m to blame for nothing. The Universe imposes on me. Government tells me what’s right and wrong. God disappears. My obligations to God disappear. Acceptance is my virtue. Being part of the tribe – Tribe Tolerance – is how I’m going to live because it’s the way forward. Everything else is mean, hateful and intolerant.
It’s A Lie, But What We Believe Can Become A True Delusion
Enter the word “trauma.” You hear it daily if you’re paying attention. Every injustice and unkind word is traumatic. Trauma that has so damaged me I’m now struggling and it’s urgent you – all of you – know what I’ve endured.
“It’s not my fault” should be replaced with “Now what am I going to do.”
What if we decide to forego the blame game and embrace the responsibility we have for our own life? How might that work out?
Well, it’d be empowered making us accountable for our behavior, including our responses to whatever bad (or good) things happen to us. Or…
We’d have to accept responsibility for the outcome of our life – and depending on that outcome – we might not feel great about ourselves.
That scares the snot out of people. Wait a minute, what? I have to accept responsibility for my own life? That’s not fair!
A Broken, Crippling Viewpoint
Short-term gain for long-term (even lifetime) pain. The attention feels good. People notice. They think about us. Even feel sad or sorry for us. Pat us on the back. Tell us how sorry they are we’re going through this. Suddenly, the spotlight feels good. Addicting maybe. So we come back for more. And more. And more.
Maybe never realizing that we’re weakening ourself with every encounter. Damaging our resolve. Injuring ourself more than any perceived trauma we may have endured earlier in life. Because now, we’re helpless. We’ve learned how to be helpless.
Recovery may be impossible, but it’s a low depth from which to recover. Many go so deep they can’t find their way back to the surface of personal responsibility. Back to where the air is fresh and they can breathe again.
A bad day becomes much, much more because we give it permission to grow, intensify and define us. Like a tropical storm that begins very small in the middle of the Atlantic, that sudden surge of pleasure we get from others who feel sorry for us builds. Compounds. Picks up energy along the way. Months or years later, it’s a full blown self-centered, woe-is-me hurricane with a deadly force. A force so powerful it overtakes us and destroys our willingness to deploy grit and determination to make our life better!
Don’t Let Disappointments Define You
This isn’t about minimizing bad things that happen to us, but it is about refusing to magnify them. We enlarge things when they’re beneficial. Like photos. But we can enlarge them so much they lose value. Other things are more harmful if we enlarge them. Like disappointments. Or suffering.
Where’s the benefit?
Is it in hoping others will feel badly for us?
Or hoping they’ll notice us more?
How does that help us?
Yeah, I’d like everybody to know me as the King of Disappointment. Or maybe the Queen of Suffering.
That’s hardly an admirable reputation goal.
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
• Join our private Facebook group
• Email me
Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate
Sweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell [at] gmail [dot] com).
Thank you!
During a recent summertime hike we approached the bridge. A recent storm had blown through and knocked down a tree that fell across the bridge. Not a big deal. We just stepped over it carefully. Thankfully the bridge didn’t suffer any major damage. Neither did we. It was an obstacle that wasn’t there the last time we trekked through the area. It only slowed us down slightly.
Some obstacles are like that. At first glance we may exclaim, “Oh no!” — only to realize, it’s not that bad. Or tough.
Some obstacles are worse. That tree could have collapsed the entire bridge forcing us to improvise by adjusting our course over the creek below. The trek would have been slightly more difficult. The path wouldn’t have been as straight-forward or smooth, but we could have followed the path forward. Mostly, it would have been an inconvenience.
Life has shown me that’s how most obstacles are. An inconvenience.
We often make them out to be worse than they really are because they’re unexpected. They make us spend more time lamenting their existence than we may in figuring out how to effectively navigate past them.
Other obstacles are different and those are the ones I’m most focused on today. The obstacles that present themselves because we’re intentionally forging a new path. A better path. One we believe will take us further. Or faster. And because it’s a new path things appear like obstacles, but we really have no way to know because we’ve never ventured this way before. I wonder if we’re seeing things correctly.
For the past year plus I’ve spent considerable time analyzing a podcast that I began in June 2021 – Hot Springs Village Inside Out. I started the show with a co-host, but a year in we both got COVID and I had a whole lot going on. I remained very active behind the scene doing all the production work, including posting the shows and all that mundane but necessary work required to get a podcast out in the ether. I lost interest in co-hosting for a variety of reasons – mostly because it was a podcast about a specific community and I wasn’t there as much as I wanted to be. My co-host lived their full-time. It just made sense to me to step away, clear my head – and my deck of all the stuff going on and figure out a path forward. A different, new path.
In March 2023 I moved forward from The Yellow Studio v2.0 to v3.0. Then by May I moved forward some more by going to The Yellow Studio v3.1. You should know that when I built/assembled The Yellow Studio, I’d never done anything like that before. I started from scratch and had to learn. A lot! Over 20 years ago things were much more difficult and complicated. The technology for podcasting didn’t easily exist. For a podcaster to do what I most wanted to do – operate using a broadcast workflow – it was hard and expensive because it required hardware. I wanted to hit RECORD and have my sound be as good as being on a Skype call. Yes, Virginia, we were once relegated to making Skype calls because all these other services like Zoom didn’t exist.
This meant lots of hardware and even more cabling. Routing those cables was a major obstacle when once conquered left you staring in the face of yet another monster, adjusting the hardware so it’d sound just right. No sooner had I hurdled one obstacle, then I’d be facing a higher hurdle. Or so it seemed. Mostly because the learning curve was steep. But…
Once the obstacles were overcome – and they all were – then it was easy. I simply fired up the machinery, got behind the mic and hit RECORD. Only if a cable or connector failed – or forbid, a piece of equipment failed (yes, it happened a few times), I had a very predictable workflow that…well, it just worked.
Every path forward will most certainly have obstacles, if only your need to learn something new. Usually, there’ll be other obstacles brought about by the result of traveling an unknown path. It’s why forward progress is such an individual and personal journey. I can benefit somewhat from somebody else who took a similar path, but it’s not going to be the same. We’re different people. We’re on the path at different times. We’ve entered the path at a different spot. We’ve got different people in our traveling party who are helping or hindering us. We’re going to believe different things about the path. We’re going to see the path and the obstacles through a different perspective. Similar paths can result in extraordinarily different experiences and outcomes.
It may explain, in part, why so many people don’t dare to venture out into unknown territory. It’s filled with risks. Rewards, too perhaps, but it’s just so easy to think about what might go wrong. Look and listen to the news media if you dare to challenge that idea. Remove fear mongering from the media and you’ll be left with very little.
“Be afraid. Be very afraid.” – line from the movie, The Fly
No. Don’t.
Instead, be thoughtful, purposeful and intentional. Believe in things that are true. Believe in your ability to figure it out.
Permit me to use the evolution of The Yellow Studio to illustrate.
I went from not even thinking about having a podcasting studio to saving, investing and creating one. Prior to 1997 I wasn’t thinking of using the Internet for much except email. The novelty of the Internet was captivating, but I wasn’t visionary enough to see what it would or could become. It was magical, but cumbersome. Nothing was easy, including connecting. Slow modems. Slower loading times where we’d anxiously watch a web page appear from the top down, often taking many seconds before we could see the entire page. It was all new! Unknown to me and most people.
The path forward had a ton of obstacles. Each of those obstacles created an industry – a solution. Sometimes a number of solutions. Thinking back to 1997 and the industries that didn’t even exist startle me back to reality as I hear people today pine about how A.I. is going to eliminate jobs. It’ll change ’em, that’s for sure…but if it follows the obstacles and problems of the early Internet, it’ll spawn a boatload of things we’ve yet to experience. Innovations do that. It was true with the printing press, cars, planes, electricity, telephones, tractors, and most everything else that has come along to change life.
Thoughts of creating a setup where I could engage in live Skype calls – which I could easily record – and where I could record audio for documenting things for the future of my kids (and family) sparked me to figure it out. I was starting from scratch.
Nothing was easy. It was all problematic. But doable.
Time was wasting so it never dawned on me that I might be better off just waiting until the tech got easier. One obstacle is not knowing the present or the future. I never thought, “You know, one day this won’t be so hard.” Somebody else may have been thinking like that, but not me. I just knew what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it.
My path forward focused on a workflow that I knew needed to fit how I life. I was disinterested in making major adjustments to the way I most enjoy working. Being creative was at the heart of it all. I wanted to communicate. Mostly, I wanted to document thoughts, ideas, feelings, beliefs, experiences and insights. I didn’t want to spend hours cobbling things together after the fact. I didn’t want to edit after I recorded. I wanted to edit as part of the preparation because for me, that happens during creation.
A friend put language to it by asking me, “Do you want the recording workflow or the broadcasting workflow?”
Recording is like musicians making a record. They lay down tracks, add things…add more things, then some engineer puts it all together to produce the final product. There’s a lot of live recording followed by intense editing to get it just right.
Broadcasting is like radio talk shows. The hosts prepare their show and go on the air. It’s live and there is no editing. If their show airs from 6 am to 10 am, then it goes out during those 4 hours and it’s over. Done.
I was familiar with both workflows because I was always into music and I had gone through broadcast journalism in college. Broadcasting workflow was my only consideration. Again, I wanted to spend time creating before recording, not afterward. It wasn’t about the tech for me. It was about what I wanted to say and document. The message always took priority, but the tech was the obstacle. How could I do what I most wanted and do it in a way where it didn’t dampen my enthusiasm? My biggest hurdle was fear that if I didn’t get it right, I’d wreck what I most wanted to do.
The details of the broadcast workflow tech don’t matter except to reiterate that the tech required hardware, which required dollars. Recording workflow was much, much cheaper, but I knew that was a dealbreaker for my purposes. So the obstacle of money was apparent and couldn’t be overcome unless I was willing to compromise what I most wanted. I wasn’t willing so I began to save and save and save some more.
Patience was a virtue. While I was saving I was scouring the universe for the best deals. The heart of The Yellow Studio were microphone preamps that were $1,000 each (I wanted 2 because I wanted a 2 microphone set up so I could have a guest, even though I knew that wouldn’t happen regularly). I found 2 brand new units, from an authorized retailer for $499 each. Turns out it was below dealer cost, but I snagged two of them because it afforded me to literally have 2 for the price of 1.
Months and months of saving, preparing and diagraming how this would all be assembled started paying off. It was slow and arduous. When the gear was in place it got even more daunting because the signal chain – the way to connect all this stuff – was confusing. I just thought the money was the hurdle.
Paying for all this stuff was only the beginning.
During this time I was helping a young married couple. They were having a tough time of things during their first year of marriage. The bride said to me – almost every time we talked – “It shouldn’t be this hard.” My retort was always the same, “Who says?” Yes, marriage is tough. Early marriage can be especially difficult as we’re navigating this new life with another person. The question isn’t how hard it is, but is it worth it? Only the husband and wife can answer that, but I assured this couple…it’s worth it. And it’s the obstacle you both must commit to overcoming.
The bride’s logic was that love shouldn’t be difficult. That love should make things easy and simple. No, love makes some things hard. But as my time with them proved – the hardest part of love is selflessness. Being selfish was easy for them. That’s where the difficulties arose. Selfishness is THE obstacle I’ve seen most in marriages.
As I was constructing The Yellow Studio I was thinking about this bride’s lamentation, “It shouldn’t be this hard.” Each time I’d answer, “Who says?” Bringing The Yellow Studio into existence was hard, but I was 100% confident it’d be worth it. Without labor there is no baby!
One step forward, two steps back. Okay, not really but it often felt that way. All the gear in place and the cabling kinda sorta done…how did I want to record? Do you want an outboard digital recorder like the handheld unit I’d had for a few years? Do you want to record on software in your computer? If so, which software do you want to use?
Again, I took the same approach – what would ideally suit what I most wanted to do — create? I avoided any solution that might impede what I was chasing. That meant avoiding recording software solutions that had a boatload of features I’d never use. There are lots of audio recording software solutions that can record anything and everything, including multiple music tracks. Since I’m not a musicians – except in my imagination – I avoided solutions like ProTools or Apple Logic Pro. They’re terrific, but not ideal for what I wanted to do – which was record narration (conversations or monologues). And since I already had a digital recorder my first recordings were done straight into that. Eventually, I found a software aimed at spoken word – Twisted Wave. I’ve been using it for years. It’s simple, straightforward and has all the features (and more) that I need.
Now I was off and running. Producing shows was fun. I was creating just as I had hoped. Once all the hurdles were cleared, I was finding a rhythm that suited me. I spent time taking notes, thinking about what I wanted to record for posterity (which is all I ever thought this podcast would be – me talking to my kids and family after I died). I wrote, which is what I enjoyed doing. And I wrote some more. The process was even more invigorating than I had imagined.
None of that would have happened if I had begun lamenting, “It shouldn’t be this hard!”
Hard Is Worth It
Only you can determine if that’s true.
Learning the guitar I found hard. So I quit. Multiple times. But the obstacle showed me the way forward when I understood that my love of the guitar had nothing to do with my ability to play it. It had everything to do with my loving to listen or watch it being played by folks who are really skillful. That’s what I loved. And still do.
Self-aware as usual is the key. The better we can know ourselves, the better able we are to successfully confront our obstacles. Sometimes we can leverage the obstacles to learn things about ourself. Like me learning that my love for guitar had nothing to do with me trying to become a musician.
What are your obstacles teaching you? Are you looking for learning or are you just looking to complain?
A bride can complain about how hard year 1 of the marriage is going. Or…she can be thankful for her husband and all the blessings she has. She can dwell on all the wonderful things that result in being married and accept each challenge as an opportunity to experience something new so she can grow and improve. Not just on her own, but with her husband. Together. It’s her choice.
It’s always our choice.
For over 23 years I’ve enjoyed The Yellow Studio because I dared to embark on something I’d never done before. I gathered others around me who knew more than me. I listened. I asked a ton of questions. I spent countless hours reflecting on what I most wanted.
Every obstacle appeared before in light of what I was most determined to do – create. Namely, create something that would document things for my young kids – for my family. I had no profit motive. I had no aspirations of building an audience. Rather, I was quite certain nobody would ever listen until after my death. My sole drive was to preserve some wisdom that had taken me a lifetime to learn in hopes I could give my children a leg up. Not that I wasn’t doing that in real time with them, I was. Daily. But now I was able to put something down “on record.”
The End Of One Thing Can Be The Start Of A Different Thing
Back in March 2023 The Yellow Studio v2.0 ended – it only morphed from v1.0 to v2.0 because an Aussie company named Rode introduced a single contraption that would replace my expensive array of hardware. I packed it up and moved it to where I’m now creating today’s episode, The Yellow Studio v3.1. By the way, version 3.0 didn’t last more than a month. It was in a more open room and it simply wasn’t’ going to work, so migrated to a large walk in closet where the acoustics are awesome! No hardware change. Just a minor location change a room away.
The obstacles were part of that process, too.
I thought v3.0 would be in place for awhile. I had no idea it wouldn’t work until I tried it. But after a few days it was apparent that my first idea wasn’t good.
Plan A may not be ideal. Sometimes plan M is way, way better.
It’s because of obstacles that I’m not fond of that whole burn the boats mentality. We may need those boats. You telling me we won’t have enough discipline to commit to our pursuit – so we have to trap ourselves into it? Well, what kind of a commitment is that? That’s idiocy.
What if this shore isn’t nearly as ideal as the one 3 miles up the coast? “It’s a shame we burned those boats!”
Don’t get trapped by culture that preaches foolishness is wisdom. We see it daily. Most of what we see and hear is colossal foolishness disguised as wisdom.
My longer term goal in ending v2.0 was to get to v4.0. Guess what? You can get from 2 to 4 without first passing 3. And you can’t advance past 2 until you’re willing to venture out toward 3. Without those, 4 is no where in sight. And 4 is what I was chasing hard.
Be Thankful The Path Isn’t Straight Or Linear
Imagine no pushback. No hurdles. No obstacles.
Imagine that nothing is difficult.
Do you realize how unrewarding life would be? What a curse that would be!
What if I hadn’t devoted myself to wooing Rhonda? Where’s the fun in that?
It’s not a given and we ought to be glad. Glad and happy that we have to work for it. That we have to overcome things to figure them out. Glad that we have to save our money to get that thing we really want. Glad we have the time to develop and grow those yearnings knowing we must wait for it. It’s extremely powerful and beneficial for our development and growth.
Appreciation grows, too.
Some years ago when Rode introduced this single contraption that would make my entire rack of equipment obsolete, I appealed to you guys to help me go from The Yellow Studio v1.0 to v2.0. You did. And it changed everything for me. For the better. For starters, so many people through the years had contacted me and said, “You’re not selling anything. Why aren’t you selling anything?” Others would send me something via PayPal out of the blue, unsolicited. With a note saying, “You never give us any way to support you.” The Rode contraption was so extraordinary I lost my mind and asked you to help. And it felt oddly bad and good at the same time.
But it challenged me in all the best ways. To see if I could elevate my game. To see if I could do better, even if by just the smallest margin.
Talent is always the constraint. I’ve never claimed to have very much. But talent wasn’t in play at the beginning because I just knew what I most wanted to do. You were never part of the plan. YOU were a happy accident I stumbled into and I’ve been very thankful I did.
Do you think my Rode contraption’s value was enhanced or diminished by that?
GREATLY ENHANCED.
Rode came out with version 2 and I saved and bought one. I now use it daily. But I didn’t sell the first one – the one you helped me get – so I could afford the second generation. No, I had determined I was going to keep using the first one because it’s special. Sentimentally so. YOU helped me buy it. It represents the value others place on this little idiotic podcast that in so many ways is still speaking to a couple of junior high kids. Oh, they’re grown up now. And that’s a whole ‘nother story, but I’m still thinking of some junior high kids every time I hit that RECORD button. And then there’s you. All of you. Those who contributed to help me by that first Rodecaster Pro and those who couldn’t, or didn’t – but those who dedicate their time and attention by clicking PLAY after I hit RECORD.
Had it been easy peasy…would we appreciate it? Would we feel as though we’d accomplished anything?
Not likely.
You know what I’ve learned about myself?
I like hard. Because anybody can do easy. It takes grit and determination to do hard though. Hard isn’t for anybody or everybody. It’s for those among us with a special resolve to find a way – to figure it out.
Everything is hard until it’s easy.
Everything is slow until it’s fast.
If it weren’t so, then I fear I’d never learn. I’d never grow. I’d never improve.
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I launched my webcam, put on headphones and sat behind the microphone to record “An Oral History.” Parts 1 and 2 were recorded on March 11, 2011. Part 3 was recorded on January 16, 2017. Part 4 was recorded on June 23, 2022. I gave my children copies of Parts 1, 2 and 3. I haven’t yet shared Part 4.
Fifteen to twenty years ago I first crafted a document I named, “When I Die.” In it, I outlined, in some details, what I most wanted to happen when I die. I would regularly change and edit the document, often driven by the death of somebody. The deaths of close friends would spark greater editing. Life events then began to dramatically impact the document. As my life changed I’d edit the document. I changed the document drastically in the fall of 2018 when I went through some dark times. Since then I’ve changed it more slightly – tweaking it. I just finished making minor refinements to it this morning, sparked mostly because of the death of “the last man standing.”
I made this post on Facebook on July 10, 2023…
The Last Man Standing
He was among a select group of older men who helped shape, influence and challenge me to become better. Always better.
Johnny Elmore, Ronny Wade, Barney Owens and Don King were the giants in my life. Trusted advisors I could call about anything. Everything. And I did call them. I leaned on them because they were stalwart men I could count on.
The Lord’s work was always their top priority. My spiritual best was unquestioned. For wise counsel, caring challenges, or correction, I found none better than this group of men. They knew God’s Word and how to apply it to our lives. They hopefully saw me at my best, but most importantly, they helped when things were at their worst.
Loving the Lord and His Church was THE common bond, but all four shared a wit, wisdom and humor that resonated with me since I was very young. They were fun. Funny. And it mattered. Men who could laugh at themselves, and others. Men who were slow to “should” me (“you should do this or that”). Instead, they were men open to question. To question the answers we may have thought we already knew. To answer the questions we may have not yet dared to ask. Truth seekers, each one of them. Truth tellers, all of them.
I loved them all very much. For their knowledge, experience, insights, wisdom and candor.
Don was the last man standing in my small, but vital circle of influence. At Ronny’s passing I told him so. We talked about how as life rolls along we lose our mentors. I told him I may have to “get younger at that position.” But there’s no getting younger at that position. There’s only the acknowledgement and gratitude that I had them for as long as I did. And I tried to make the most of it without being too intrusive. I came of age under the tutelage of these men. They were watchful protectors over every significant event and decision I made.
In just a matter of months three of them were gone. Barney. Johnny. Ronny. I told Don I hoped we’d have many more years together in the journey. I said, “I’m unprepared to go it alone without at least one old man in my life…tag you’re it!” We chuckled…unaware of how little time we had. But in spite of his health challenges in recent years as his outward man began to perish, I was confident that Don’s inner man was being renewed day by day. That’s a confidence I had in all four of the old men in my life. It’s why I was always anxious to hear their wisdom, listen to their counsel and make my decisions accordingly.
I’m thankful to have sat in the presence of these four giants who each helped me stand when I might have crumbled. Men whose influence is sure to outlive them. I loved them all. And felt loved back by each of them.
The following audio was recorded in my house on Friday afternoon, April 19, 2013 when Don and I recorded a conversation about building a good Christian home – a recording I made for a handful of young men I was hoping to serve at the time. This is a snippet I’m happy to share publicly. I pray Patsy, Kris and Lance – and all of Don’s loved ones – take comfort in knowing that by sharing their beloved husband and father, many of us were made so much better. I share his sentiment in this audio clip – I didn’t want to disappoint any of these giants in my life.
Pictured in the video: Ronny F. Wade and Don L. King
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
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Thank you!
“Thank you” is not just a complete sentence, but it’s a complete prayer. Not comprehensive, but complete.
Today’s special, unscheduled episode addresses the fear mongering, the pessimism, the mayhem, the poor (pathetic) behavior worldwide and why we ought to intentionally exercise gratitude, optimism and fight!
Something or somebody will have dominion over you. You get to decide. Sadly, many are allowing media, culture, government or opinions of others to rule their lives. Jerry Van Amerongen, my all-time favorite cartoonist, created this humorous approach to dominion. But it’s a serious matter, deciding whom you’ll serve.
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
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Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers only played this song 60 times. Tom played it by himself just once. I guess after writing the song Tom figured it really was time to move on. At certain points in life, a song like this could serve as a theme. We reach a point where we need a change. Or where we want one. Sometimes, a change is kinda sorta forced on us by circumstances. We need to leave something behind and start something different. Something new, hopefully, better.
The older we get the more we encounter the need to move on. Sometimes it’s a physical need. It’s always psychological. Emotional (that just means we have feelings about it – it doesn’t mean we’re necessarily dramatic about it).
Our lives are largely defined by routines. Okay, sometimes our routines become ruts, but mostly our routines serve us. They keep us sane and on track. They prevent us from having to add a million little unnecessary decisions, giving us the opportunity to do many things on auto-pilot without much thought. They help us combat anxiety. Routines are wise tools.
Until they no longer serve us.
Or until they’re detrimental.
A routine can be different than the morning rituals you may be thinking about. A routine can be the current state of your life. The ways things are – and the way they have been for a while. There’s no time limit required to qualify something as “routine.”
Nothing lasts forever. Well, to be more accurate – most things don’t. That includes the circumstances of our life, which are part of our routines. It’s the current state of things in our life. Current is a description that would indicate the present, which implies there’s a past and a future. Things change. Sometimes we move on. Or we should.
How can we know when it’s time to move on?
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Be a buffalo. It’s an old tale, which happens to be true. It was also a podcast episode here. Courage is hard. Fear is easy. We’re all afraid, but that’s no excuse to avoid fending off our monsters…and cutting them down to size. Or pulling them up by the roots! Let’s lean harder toward wisdom
Wishing you well on this first Monday in September. I’m hoping to finish 2023 strong. You? Thank you. All of you. For your time and attention. Please tell a friend about the podcast! • Join our private Facebook group • Email me Help Me Reach My $1,000 Goal I plan to start vlogging from Hot
It’s continuous improvement. That’s the objective.
The thing being improved? Storytelling.
It really boils down to all communication.
I wrote down the title of today’s show in a little notebook years ago. I was thinking about this podcast and the craft of podcasting. I’ve purchased and read many books on storytelling. Exceptional storytellers are rare. Most people are guilty of today’s title – filling their story with unnecessary (extraneous) details that don’t contribute to the story at all.
Let’s wrestle with this idea a bit and see if we can learn to lean more toward wisdom.
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
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A special episode. Answering a few questions, sharing some insights and updating you on the goings on inside The Yellow Studio.
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
The scenery will make for a great backdrop. Plus, there are many places I’d like you to see.
To help, click the link (or the image below) to donate
Sweetwater Gift Certificates (use RandyCantrell [at] gmail [dot] com).
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mor·a·to·ri·um
noun: a temporary prohibition of an activity
I caught myself wanting to put a temporary prohibition on something. Frankly, I want to put a moratorium on a few things. You?
Please tell a friend about the podcast!
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Help Me Reach My $1,000 GoalI plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village, Arkansas because the place is spectacular.
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Today’s show was provoked, in some part, by this article entitled, Why ‘No One Wants to Work Anymore’: Pandemic Market Boom Let Millions Retire. Please tell a friend about the podcast! • Join our private Facebook group • Email me Help Me Reach My $1,000 Goal I plan to start vlogging from Hot Springs Village,
Luke chapter 12 13 And one out of the multitude said unto him, Teacher, bid my brother divide the inheritance with me. 14 But he said unto him, Man, who made me a judge or a divider over you? 15 And he said unto them, Take heed, and keep yourselves from all covetousness: for a man’s life consisteth not in
Figuring it out. That’s the point of today’s show. Come to think of it…that’s the point of every episode. What are you most curious about? What would you most like to understand? Let’s scatter shoot and consider some things. We’ll see where it takes us. Here are just a few things we’ll talk about. My … Figuring Ourselves Out, Making Sense Of It All (or some part of it) Read More »
Finances are a big deal. The smaller your income, the bigger the deal. 😉 Let’s talk about a few important things: • The 3 steps to financial “know-how” = 1) know where you are, 2) know where you want to go and 3) figure out how to get there • The power of comparing … How Do You Stack Up Financially? Read More »
Matt D’Avella is a minimalist. He’s also a photographer and film maker. He directed the documentary, MINIMALISM featuring The Minimalists, described in Wikipedia as “The Minimalists are American authors, podcasters, filmmakers, and public speakers Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus, who promote a minimalist lifestyle.” My first exposure to this notion of minimalism was … What Is Your Stuff Costing You? Read More »
Back in May I published a podcast episode entitled Spending Control: How’s That Working Out For You? A recent move required all kinds of seemingly extraneous spending. Okay, maybe not extraneous, but aggravatingly excessive from what I wanted. There’s moving, truck rentals, fuel, boxes, landscaping, appliances, window coverings, blah, blah, blah. Well, I’m currently embarking … Spending, Saving & Investing: The Tale of Two Houses Read More »
“The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.” – John F. Kennedy Any fool can wish, but the wise plan. “It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan.” – Eleanor Roosevelt “Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.” – Peter F. … The Time To Repair The Roof Is When The Sun Is Shining Read More »
I wrote down the title of today’s episode on November 22, 2014 at 11:31pm. But that was then, this is now. It’s getting hot here in Dallas. About a week away from Thanksgiving in 2014. The beginning of the holiday season. Here in America the annual “holiday season” kicks off, literally on Thanksgiving week. Families … A View Of Fatherhood From A Generation Away Read More »
I’m going to take a few weeks off from LTW, but first…let’s talk about a few things, including podcasting, podcasting stats and the future (and the past). Thank you for giving me a chunk of your time and attention. Links: Ask The Podcast Coach (Dave Jackson) The Average Guy TV (Jim Collison) Earthworks ETHOS mic … Before I Go Into Dry Dock (notes on podcasting) Read More »
Clayton M. Christensen died back in 2020. He was a 67-year-old Harvard Business School professor and management guru. He authored books, “The Innovator’s Dilemma” and “How Will You Measure Your Life?” Clayton had leukemia. The title of today’s show was taken from a Wall Street Journal article about him. He was a man of faith, … People You Helped Become Better (A Special Episode) Read More »
I’m biased. In favor of superior customer service. I’m fanatical about it. Always have been. I’ve spent my professional life operating retailing companies so delivering extraordinary customer experiences has been a top priority for me. And I know a secret – it’s not that hard once you make up your mind to deliver it. The … Does Anybody Do What They Say? Read More »
I cry every day. I laugh out loud every day. Until or unless we feel something…nothing changes. Feelings can drive our actions and behaviors. I’ve never known a person embark on growth or self-improvement until they first felt something that compelled a change. What are you trying to help people feel? What feelings do you … Making People Feel Something Read More »
PNC.com has these 10 recommendations in a post entitled, How To Stop Spending Money.
- Create a budget.
- Visualize what you’re saving for.
- Always shop with a list.
- Nix the brand names.
- Master meal prep.
- Consider cash for in-store shopping.
- Remove temptation.
- Hit “pause.”
- Think reusable.
- Keep at it!
There are probably millions of lists like this. Some are just as profound as this one.
I intentionally used the phrase “spending control.” It’s impossible to stop spending money unless you’re dead. But it’s very possible to get a better grip on our spending if we want to.
Why This…Why Now?
In early March we sold our house of 25 years and moved. Clearly, it had been 25 years since we’d done it so we weren’t exactly in game shape. Lots of things have changed since the late 90s. Our age tops the list. The economy is right up there, too. Our life circumstances, too. Back then we were a family of 4 with two high schoolers. Now we’re an older couple with almost 20 years experience in being empty nesters.
Then there’s the practical realities associated with our selling our house. We had a built-in refrigerator so there was no refrigerator to move. We included the washer and dryer with the sale of the house…so no laundry to move. That’s great on the front end, but when you move you need a refrigerator and a laundry pair. So you have to buy them.
Then there’s the impractical realities associated with selling our house and moving. We moved into an apartment just a few miles away from our old house. Refrigerator, washer and dryer included. Great! But we had an opportunity to really disrupt life so we took it. We bought a house miles away and we moved into that. Wait a minute, what? You heard me. We moved twice at the same time. About 90% of our stuff was moved to the house and the other 10% went to the apartment. All at the same time! My body is still paying the price.
Thus began the outpouring of cash. That’s why this is currently top-of-mind. And that’s why I’m discussing this now.
It’s Always A Good Time
Is there ever a time in our lives when it wouldn’t be profitable to re-examine our spending? No. It’s always wise to be more thoughtful about where our money goes.
John Prine’s classic song, Sam Stone, includes the line: There’s a hole in Daddy’s arm where all the money goes. Dad came home from the Vietnam war injured, physically and emotionally. Now he’s a junkie and that’s where all the money goes. Where does all your money go? Do you know?
Here’s the lead sentence in a recent news story about the United States government spending – specifically, the debt our government enjoys elevating:
As talks over raising the U.S. government’s $31.4 trillion debt ceiling intensify, Wall Street banks and asset managers have begun preparing for fallout from a potential default.
Do citizens take their cues from their national government? Or does the government reflect the habits of their citizens? It’s a chicken or egg thing. I’m sure somebody smart has studied it. Here in America we love debt because we love spending. We hate saving. More than anything, we hate waiting.
The average American holds a debt balance of $96,371, according to 2021 Experian data, the latest data available.
Anti-capitalism folks blame it on consumerism driven capitalism. I blame it on lack of individual responsibility and low self-discipline. We’re bombarded with advertising and marketing urging us to buy. Right now! We mostly listen. And do as we’re encouraged because we want to. Nobody is forcing us. We’re burying ourselves because we want what we want and we want it now.
Cash Flowing Life Means Living Within Your Means (every month)
Calculate your monthly income and discipline yourself to not spend any more than that. That’s cash flowing life. It doesn’t mean you must spend that amount, but it does mean you won’t exceed it unless it’s an exception – and you’re prepared with a strategy to pay it off with no or minimal interest. For example, we had to buy a refrigerator, a washer and a dryer for our new house. Rather than write a check and cover the full amount out of savings, we opted to put it on a newly issued credit card from the store in order to take advantage of 6 months same as cash. Simply put, we’re paying monthly payments (1/6th of the total) for six months and it isn’t costing us anything. Meanwhile, our savings account continues to earn 3.75% (not much, but better than nothing).
If these appliances last 10 years, then it’s easy to calculate their annual upfront cost per year. That makes spending money on something like a major home appliance very different than buying something that we might use for a brief period, then store it away never to look it again. The ROI on a new refrigerator is much higher than the ROI on a set of patio furniture. Or a new shirt.
During our move my 10 year old Apple computer died prompting me to buy a new one about a year before my plan. I’d been preparing to ready myself to buy a new Apple Macbook Pro, but I wasn’t planning to do that until 2024. It was now March 2023, but I was now without a computer. My work – my life – depends on a working computer so I had no choice. So I pulled the trigger and again, since it was a major purchase (like those appliances), I bought it at Apple taking advantage of 12 months same as cash (that means 12 equal monthly payments with no interest as long as I pay off the entire balance before the one year anniversary of the purchase). If this new computer lasts as long as my previous computers, then I’ll have it 8-10 years. Again, that’s different math than buying a pair of shoes that may last 2-3 years. And I took advantage of using Apple’s money instead of my own upfront.
Looking at these major purchases gave me pause anyway because I don’t usually buy these things. It had been many years since I got any new appliances. It had been about 10 years since I got a new computer. These are exceptional purchases with long life spans (hopefully).
That’s not where the troubles usually are found. It’s mostly in those impulse buys of things that just don’t matter. Buying unnecessary stuff because we like having new things – different things.
I began to examine my spending because moving is expensive. Much of it is part of the process. I wouldn’t consider it extraordinary or wasteful.
Here’s a list of a few things that were one-off type expenses associated with moving. These are in no particular order.
a. Moving expenses (truck rentals, help to load and unload trucks, packing material, specialty boxes) – once and done
b. Appliances
c. Blinds at new house (for just 2 rooms; blinds were already in the house elsewhere) / black out drapes for apartment
d. Staple supplies (this was necessary because we have an apartment and a house so we needed some things in two different places, hardly normal)
e. Landscaping at new house (it’s a once and basically done ordeal because it’s an Arizona yard, meaning mostly rock) this is not an inexpensive endeavor but like my computer and the appliances, it’ll hopefully have a multi-year benefit
f. The Yellow Studio gear (I mostly owned everything I needed, but now I was going to have version 3.0, which quickly became 3.1 and I was also going to be working to get version 4.0 up and going) this included desks, chairs and other gear that based on my history would last for many years
g. Mid-longer Range Stuff (do you like that category label? :D) it includes things like ladders, leaf blowers, lawn chairs, storage tubs and things that will have a long life…but it also includes things like favorite shoes that go on sale so I buy 3 pair, favorite pants on sale so I buy 2 pair, and other things that will last at least 2-3 years or longer
h. Short Range Stuff includes food, household items like paper towels, detergent, toothpaste, razorblades and that kind of thing
i. Gifts – we mostly try to gift things that will last (for example, our most recent gifts to each other were these awesome “camping” rocking chairs that we can take to the kids’ ball games or use wherever we want…we’re currently using them inside our apartment ’cause they’re that comfortable…and yes we got two crimson ’cause we’re OU Sooner fans
I began to examine this stuff – all of it – and realized that we’re currently going through an extraordinary circumstance that’s got upfront expenses. The danger is failure to realize that and falling into a habit of spend, spend, spend. Take the landscaping of the new house. It started out estimated at one price, which didn’t last long. It climbed. And climbed some more. And kept climbing. Not because we were changing our mind and adding more stuff, but because estimated amounts of rock were inaccurate. We decided to add some bigger rock in one area where rain water run off is greater. That drove up the cost, but just slightly. The climbing costs weren’t dramatic, but more like a dreadful creep.
Our biggest spending (by a wide margin) include:
- Appliances
- My computer
- Landscaping
- Household stuff like blinds, ladder, leaf blower, step ladder (the new house had ginormous ceilings and Rhonda still feels like a Smurf), bar stools, chairs (those gifts we got each other), Yellow Studio stuff (desks, chairs, video lights, Rodecaster Pro 2 (I’m using the original RCP 1 in one location), Rhonda needed some shelving installed at the new house (it looks pretty terrific and gave her so much more linear shelf space)
The only consumable items have been food, paper products (plates, paper towels, toilet paper), detergent and cleaning products. While those add up, they’re a small fraction of those larger ticket items. And the majority of the big ticket items were financed using somebody else’s money without costing us any interest. That includes some podcasting stuff that I got using 12 months same as cash or 6 months same as cash.
But It All Adds Up To Real Money
Thousands of dollars later I’m realizing the need to not hit “pause,” but to hit the brakes. There are only a few things that now remain and some that’ll happen later.
For example, landscaping didn’t include planting much because we’re going to wait until next Spring (2024) for that. That won’t be a break-the-bank expense, but it won’t be free either. We’ll figure out an appropriate amount to spend.
The Yellow Studio 4.0 is going to require a bit of work that I’ll need to hire done, but hopefully the same folks that built and installed the shelving in Rhonda’s sewing room will be able to do the job. I plan to have some acoustical fabric installed on the walls and a few other things that’ll require carpentry skills I lack. I suspect it’ll cost me a little bit (maybe a few thousand), but again…it’ll be a long-term investment that won’t require any update unless I get sick of it. I’ve given it enough thought to know that won’t likely happen. Yes, it will remain The Yellow Studio. No, that doesn’t mean the walls will be yellow, but we’ll see! I’m also going to need a few pieces of furniture to round out the space. Again, these are all one-off expenses.
Where Does The Money Come From?
For us, we had money in savings. That doesn’t mean we’ve been willing to exhaust savings. It means we were able to plan and develop a strategy for taking advantage of “same as cash” financing. It also means we’ve been able to pay credit card bills on time without incurring any interest charges. We would avoid spending money if that weren’t the case. Even with this strategy we’ve planned out these expenditures over time instead of just doing them all at once. For instance, we got the refrigerator a couple of months before getting the washer and dryer. For short stays at the new house, we knew we needed the refrigerator. It wasn’t urgent for us to do laundry during a short stay. We did landscaping last, mostly because we wanted the spring rains to diminish…that way the job wouldn’t stretch out for weeks on end. The shelving for Rhonda’s sewing room was scheduled to happen before our next visit to the new house so she’d be able to unbox the remaining stuff (mostly dolls and fabric). My Yellow Studio is last because I’ve already got version 3.1 up and running. It’s not critical that I get version 4.0 going. So planning has helped spread out the funding of all these expenses.
There’s multiple sources for money, generally speaking. Checking accounts, cash under the mattress, savings accounts or investments. The first 3 are options. The last one (investments) are not under consideration. We’re unwilling to exhaust any of these. Nothing is worth that, to us. We’re still living within our means even though we’re spending more than we’ve spent in years. Remember, we’ve gone 25 years without moving. This is an exceptional time for us.
Lessons Learned
Yes, you need a strategy – a plan. Only the very rich can spend willy nilly, but I suspect most of them don’t. Counting the cost is the strategy. Do it before you spend it.
Before you spend it, you have to earn it. Income must precede expense. I’m not talking about using leverage for business growth. My personal viewpoint – which isn’t one I’d ever impose on others – is that debt-free is the goal. Rhonda and I both put a high value on being debt-free. Maybe you don’t. What do you value most? Figure out why. We prize debt-free because it provides us with a level of stress-free living we want. You might value something more.
Another why for us is our faith and conviction, coupled with our natural wiring. I hate owing people. I don’t mind people owing me (within reason), but I despise being indebted to others. It’s among my many character flaws.
I’ll drive myself crazy with a debt hanging over my head. I’m also driving myself crazy knowing we’re almost, but not quite at the end of the spending spree that accompanies two moves at one time! #NeverAgain
So back to the lessons I’ve learned…
It starts with a strategy and plan. For me, the plan didn’t involve more than short-term debt without interest.
That plan was only possible – at this scale – because we had saved money and had the resources on hand to pay for everything in full in real-time. The financing options were simply tools enabling us to keep our money on hand and dole it out regularly to avoid paying interest.
Next, we measured the expenses that were one-offs. Not all our expenses were created equally. Some, like major appliances and my new computer, were done knowing these would likely last us for many years. Not all big ticket items fit that bill, but for us, that’s a requirement. Down to a $300 battery powered leaf blower that we know will last us many years. Down to work desks for The Yellow Studio that are slightly more than $300. They’ll last me the rest of my life. Guaranteed (unless some disaster destroys them). Down to a $250 chair, which I know will last years. We consider these “big ticket” items.
For us, these big ticket items are one-offs because we won’t be buying them again for a long time. Some of them, we may never buy them again. That ROI is an important part of our spending strategy.
When possible we took advantage of interest-free financing options. The biggest pain of these is keeping track of them. While we use Quicken, and have for many years, Rhonda recently (within the last year or so) moved to a new version of cloud-based Quicken. It’s been a disaster, but necessary. The old Mac she once used gave up the ghost so we had to upgrade. Unfortunately, the new (to her) Quicken doesn’t update or reconcile. The learning curve is vexing her. I’ve promised to help figure it out once the dust settles, but that has made keeping track of these payments much harder than it should be. Do you use something other than Quicken that you love? I’d love to hear about alternatives because this thing works, sometimes. But mostly, it doesn’t. While I’m sure there’s a degree of pilot error, she’s been using Quicken for decades so I’m thinking this learning curve shouldn’t last over a year!
The incidental expenses – all those smaller, but cumulative things we’ve bought – feel like death by a thousand paper cuts. This has been my most vexing experience of the whole thing. I can look at the things like computers and desks and landscaping and know, “We’re done!” These other things feel like the never ending story. The good news is, I think we’re nearing the end because we intentionally waited for these final things – Rhonda’s sewing room and The Yellow Studio version 4.0. Her sewing room is close to being done before she gets completely moved in. The Yellow Studio version 4.0 has yet be started…so I’ve got that going for me. (an uncomfortable smile) Good news…I can leverage interest-free financing for about $1000 and the carpentry stuff I need done will be part of a “once and done” ordeal.
For us, with all these costs is answering YES to the question: is it worth it?
Now that’s a bad question for folks who don’t care about being in debt up their earlobes. But for frugal folks like us, it’s a valid question. Again, everybody has to figure out what they want most and what they’re willing to give up to get it.
I’ve got friends who enjoy a big, expensive trip (or two) every year. Worth it? To them, YES. To me and Rhonda, NO. We don’t even have to debate it or think about it. Some multi-thousand dollar trip wouldn’t even be worth a single conversation for us because it’s not a priority for us. Spending a few thousand dollars on a sewing room would likely be a hard NO for many women, but not for Rhonda. Spending a few thousand dollars on a podcasting/home office space would likely give way to new golf clubs, fishing or hunting gear or something else. But for me, it’s totally worth it because…
THE RETURN ON INVESTMENT (or the cost) IS HIGH
A guitar in my hands has an ROI of zero. Same with a basketball.
Put a guitar in the hands of Jason Isbell, or Mark Knopfler and you’ve got an ROI that’s hard to even calculate ’cause it goes so high.
Put a basketball in Lebron’s hands and the ROI is hundreds of millions of dollars.
To each his own.
Have I learned anything new in all this?
Maybe. It ain’t over yet.
Mostly, I know this…we cannot afford to make this a habit. It’s an event that has an ending. And I think that’s largely what many people don’t figure out. We’re working hard to bring it to end as quickly as possible.
The next thing I’ve learned it to focus more on income. Replenishing accounts has been a priority. Rather than to just see it go out, I’ve concentrated on bringing it in. If what goes up must come down, then what goes out must be replaced or replenished. At least, that’s our viewpoint.
What began with purging possessions ended with making two moves – one to an apartment and one to a new house we never intended on buying (at least, not yet). We maintained our purging commitment, even in the face of making new purchases. That sounds odd, but the reality of our quest toward practical minimalism meant that our purchases were vetted based on their worth or value to us. Those major appliances are a necessity. So is landscaping. Rhonda’s sewing room and The Yellow Studio aren’t necessary, but they’re long-term preferences. She’s been sewing since she was a teenager. I’ve been podcasting and working from a home-based space for decades. These aren’t activities we’re unsure about. Both of us know with great certainty that we’ll be rewarded with the investments (costs) we make in these areas. Simultaneously, Rhonda is continuing her purging because unlike me, she had to delay her’s until we moved. There just wasn’t time for her to sell off the things (fabric, fabric and more fabric) she wanted to purge. My stuff was more easily purged because my 3,000 plus books couldn’t be converted to much cash…so our local library benefited. Her stuff can be sold for cash so she needs to approach her purging differently.
Purchases are put on trial. They either pass the test or they don’t. Do we spend money on things we don’t necessarily need? Of course. My son gave me an Apple iTunes gift card for my birthday. Do I need to buy new music? No, but I enjoy it and I’d argue that a $10 Apple iTunes purchase will last me for many years and likely endure hundreds (if not thousands) of plays. The same could be said of Kindle books and other non-vital things. Or a package of black T-shirts I just bought for $12. But like more expensive items, I’ll get years of use from them. Except for food or other consumables, I don’t buy things with a short shelf life. Something as mundane as a pair of socks – I recently purchased a 3-pack of my favorite dress socks – will last me for multiple years.
Clothing, including shoes get worn. Year after year.
The Yellow Studio gear gets used. Day after day, year after year.
The furnishings get used daily. For years.
The landscaping remains in place. For years.
So you can see a big part of whether or not to make a purchase is based on the length of use. I know that flies in the face of people who exhort us to make purchases based on joy. I’m chasing something more lasting. More practical. Even my monthly fiber Internet connection is viewed through that lens. Most folks don’t need fast upload speeds. But when you’re sometimes working with large, multi-gigabit video files and uploading those to TV station servers around the country – something I do in part of my volunteer church-related work – it matters. Eighty bucks well spent each month…instead of fifty bucks.
Overall, I put more emphasis on the practical in practical minimalism. And as with most things, it’s a choice. But it’s a conscience well-thought out choice.
Bonus Wisdom
- When I sign up for a free trial that converts to a paid subscription, I calendar the date it converts to paid minus 1 day. That way, if it proves unworthy I know to cancel it before it costs anything.
- When I sign up for a paid subscription I calendar the date it renews minus 1 day. That way, I’m reminded that I have this subscription and I can decide if I want to keep it or cancel it.
- Most of my clients use ACH to pay my invoices. I use mobile depositing whenever a client sends me a check. That speeds up the deposits hitting my accounts.
- Currently, I’m trying to earn enough return on some investment dollars (annually) to reduce our annual overhead. I view it in terms of months. For example, if our monthly overhead was $2,500, then I’d aim to see how many months worth of income I might earn over the course of the year. I’m trying to earn at least 2 months worth of income so it reduces income strain to 10 months instead of 12. If I can get to 9 months instead of 12, all the better. You get the idea. It’s congruent with our cash flow approach.
- No, we have no designs on retiring (translation: to stop working altogether). Beginning in 2024 Rhonda will focus more attention on her sewing (and sewing business making custom made doll dresses – DollDressesByRhonda.com). I’m going to continue with my coaching practice and podcast so I have no plans to change anything I’m doing – just more of the same.
- It’s all subject to change as our circumstances and ideal outcomes change. Give yourself permission to alter your course. Growth and improvement are always the goal.
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I’m blitzed with online articles about health, wellness, retirement, insurance and other things befitting an old guy. After all, I AM an old guy.
Some days ago I saw an article that prompted today’s show. It was yet another article about retiring happy. A man working to prepare for his eventual retirement asked his financial planner for examples of people who were happy in retirement. At the crux of the matter is self-discipline. Retirement success is largely about how well people can deprive themselves of spending more than they earn – and who have the ability to save more than they may want to.
And there it is – the elephant in the room – our willingness to sacrifice, to avoid rewarding ourselves with the very thing we may want most – especially when that thing isn’t the best thing. The flip side is our willingness to do those things we might otherwise not want to do, but we know it’s the wise thing to do.
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Will people mourn? Or throw a party?
Will we have regrets about how we spent our time with others…when they’re gone?
Stanley was my lifelong best friend. He died on Sunday May 12, 2013. It’ll be 10 years tomorrow. Ten years that I’ve been on the planet without him. I remember him fondly. If I had died first, I’m certain he’d be missing me, too. And I know he’d have remembered me fondly.
Not all relationships work that way though. Sadly.
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- I was being courted by a business owner looking for new, fresh leadership. The business was located where Rhonda and I most wanted to be, Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas. The kids were in elementary school. Early elementary school. Life had been hectic for the previous 3 years. Situations had changed that were beyond our control – things that we didn’t feel were favorable for training and raising our children. So, we took our aim for Texas – DFW. It was Rhonda’s home and we were familiar with it.
Among our reasons – and in this order – church. Spiritual reasons were at the very top of our list. Next, the kids. Where did we feel we could give them the best advantages spiritually, educationally, personally (future spouses), and careerwise? DFW checked all the boxes for us when we began to strategize ways to accomplish this goal. That was somewhere around 1987. It took me a few years to pull it all together. By the end of 1989 I had started the process. By the end of the school year, May 1990, we had made the transition.
Sometimes it takes awhile. Our goals – what I now call “our ideal outcome” – don’t always happen as quickly as we’d like. This ideal outcome was one we had time to carefully consider and plan for. There were days we questioned if it might happen. Mostly, it took over 2 years before I was given the opportunity to make it a reality.
That was then. This is now.
In 2018 another life situation provoked Rhonda and I to ask, “Now what?” The clarity we experienced in 1987 didn’t happen this time. It would come much more slowly, like the slow turn of a focus knob on a telescope. In fact, it took a couple of years – not for the opportunity, but for us to even figure out what we might want. “What is our ideal outcome?” was the question we wrestled with. And it was anything but easy or clearcut. Not like life back in 1987. That focus came faster for us. The decision was more easily made beforehand back then because the path seemed evident to us. Not this time.
But this time was different. This was a gut punch. Back in the 1980s it was more of a slow burn. Our knees weren’t buckled in the 80s. This time, they were. And that takes more time. To catch your breath. To get back on your feet. Besides, things were well beyond our control mostly so we were having to figure things out in real-time. Deciding how you’ll react – asking yourself how you can make the wisest choices – can take time.
When the stakes are high we felt we needed to get it right the first time. There may not be an opportunity to correct it. You don’t know.
For me, the barometer has always been regret. Will I regret doing this? Will I regret not doing this?
Back in 1987 I knew – Rhonda did, too – that we would regret staying where we were. We had to make a move. For the welfare of our children. But I admit I hated that we had to do it. It was a move I wished we wouldn’t have had to make. It was a sad decision because of what once was – and what could have been. But life does that to us. Throws us curveballs that we must figure out how to hit.
Today, things are different. There is no sadness. I’m not romantic or sentimental about what once was or what could have been. I’m just ready. Ready to move on. Ready to grow. Ready to embrace a new chapter – our encore chapter.
By 2020 our focus was clear. So much so, that by the end of 2021 we had put our money where our mouth and our fantasies were. We bought a piece of property in a place that had captured our heart. A place of solitude. Respite. It was likely because when our knees buckled it was the place we went to sort things out. That was our first encounter with the place. Maybe that made it more special. I don’t know, but I do know we found it beautiful. And the closeness of the community, the diversity of the positives (trails, lakes, creeks, trees, wildlife, golf courses, mountains and more) was appealing.
It only had one downside.
It wasn’t in DFW. And DFW is where our entire tribe was thanks to our decision back in 1987 (and the execution of that decision in 1990).
Grandkids didn’t exist back then. Now we had five.
Lots of things had changed. Many of them blessings. Some of them curses. But the tribe was all blessing, all the time. But…
We weren’t (aren’t) prepared to leave the tribe and our happy place is only 5 hours away…so it made sense to us, in the short-term to spend time in each place. The plan was to spend way more time in Texas than in Happy Serene Village, five hours away. We figured we’d get over to HSV (Happy Serene Village) 3 or 4 times over the 12 month transition.
What transition? Transitioning from what to what? Or from where to where?
That’s the rub. We’re navigating a number of transitions.
Transition 1: Selling a house we’ve been in for 25 years and moving to a new place.
Transition 2: Buying another house in Happy Serene Village and spending more time there.
Transition 3: Creating new career chapters – both of us – as we march toward hitting full-retirement age for Social Security.
They’re all pretty big and they’re all intertwined. There are many moving parts to our life right now. Frightening and exciting.
Being open to opportunities has always been our way of life – just like cash flowing life. Sometimes we’ve been more open to them than at other times. Determined mostly by our comfort level or lack of. Whenever we’ve been most comfortable, we’ve been much less open. That is, when things are going well, we’re not real open for opportunities. Why mess up a good thing, right?
But that’s the ideal time to more closely look for opportunities. Strike while the iron is hot and all that. Doesn’t it make sense that our optimum time to see and jump on opportunities is when we’re riding high? But that’s not how it usually goes. Comfort forms around us like a Tempur-Pedic mattress, enveloping us so strongly it paralyzes us from doing anything different. It just feels too good to stay put. Mostly, that’s what we do – we stay put – when the better option might be to seize even bigger opportunities. After all, we say it ’cause it’s true – the rich get richer. That happens because they tend to get more opportunities, but they have to take advantage of them. Hum.
This impacts The Yellow Studio because the original is now gone. No longer in my possession. But now, here we were mere days away from signing the paperwork to sell the house, which included The Yellow Studio. We had no thought of buying a house or any other property. Moving was on our mind. Enter months of a secret I’d been holding.
Sometime in the late fall a house in Happy Serene Village caught my attention. Initially, the curb appeal snagged it. It was a new house with an attractive front. And thus began the happy accident that we never saw coming. But we were open to it.
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It’s a digital age and I fully embrace it. But I still need paper in my printer.
Let’s ruminate on these and other urgent analog matters facing us in the digital age.
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Jo Marsh is the dreamer and a scribbler character in Louisa May Alcott’s novel, Little Women. Here’s an observation about her life in the book.
“I keep turning over new leaves, and spoiling them, as I used to spoil my copybooks; and I make so many beginnings there never will be an end.”
It means making a change. Improving. Doing something differently. Doing different things.
Our unwillingness to make a change is detrimental to our life and everybody else influenced by us. It’s rebellion. And selfish.
My willingness is high. I wouldn’t describe myself as stubborn, but I do know I’m resolved about some things – mostly things in which I believe deeply. Beyond religious truths, there aren’t very many things that qualify because I have lived long enough to experience getting it wrong. Getting eternal things right is important because the stakes are so high.
Eternity changes everything.
Let’s consider what it means to avoid poison ivy and to turn over a new leaf.
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Computers have a clock speed.
The clock speed measures the number of cycles your CPU executes per second, measured in GHz (gigahertz). A “cycle” is technically a pulse synchronized by an internal oscillator, but for our purposes, they’re a basic unit that helps understand a CPU’s speed.
The higher the clock speed, the faster the computer. There are other factors, but depending on your computing – gaming, graphics, CAD, video rendering, and other intensive tasks – you’ll want the highest clock speed CPU you can afford.
Humans also have a clock speed. I’m not a neuroscientist so I have no idea if it can be measured, but you know it when you see it. We talk about how fast or slow somebody is. Some of us are fast at some things and slow at other things. Some of us are fast most of the time while others are slow most of the time.
Clock speed is evident in our walking pace, communication, handling adversity, facing opportunities, navigating new or strange situations, and just about everything else. Ben Shapiro has an extraordinarily high clock speed.
William Buckley had a high clock speed, too. It illustrates how clock speed isn’t merely gauged by how fast somebody talks. Like Shapiro, Buckley had a high clock speed intellectually.
We mere mortals definitely are operating at a slower clock speed than these guys. I’m not sure what, if anything, we could do to rise to their level.
Let’s think about our potential, our natural inclinations and upping our performance.
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There are about 9.84 BILLION search results for A.I. – which we mostly think stands for “artificial intelligence.” ChatGPT is the latest, greatest, coolest, trickest A.I. It is pretty spectacular. For mere mortals like me, I don’t know how A.I. improvement could even be measured, but I do know there’s a data gap that is a constraint. A.I. needs high-integrity data.
I’m intrigued by artificial intelligence, but I’m far more obsessed with a different A.I.
Always Improving
“Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Do not bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.” ― William Faulkner
We all have default behaviors driven by default viewpoints or approaches to life. One of my major default behaviors spawns from a default viewpoint that things can always be better. Not in some, “let’s give it time and it’ll sort itself out” kind of a way – but in a “what can we do to improve this?” kind of a way. It’s how I see the world. It’s also how I see most things. It’s a default because I’m not consciously trying to do it…it’s more of an auto-pilot thing for me.
Years of self-introspection and self-examination taught me that I did a poor job of properly communicating this for too many years. The power of others – seeing how others view things – proved most helpful so I could see things more clearly. Through my eyes, it looks and feels like the never-ending quest for improvement based on my belief and optimism that just about anything can be made better! It hasn’t got anything to do with dissatisfaction necessarily – although I admit I can be dissatisfied with the status quo. It doesn’t look or feel critical to me either.
The most helpful thing to me was learning the power of personality traits, specifically my own personality traits. Part of my personality that drives my passion to ALWAYS IMPROVING is summed up in a phrase I’ve seen when studying about those of us who lean toward perceiving or judging.
Making Things as They Ought to Be
That typifies my life for as long as I can remember. The judgment comes in my view of how things ought to be – that’s where that perception comes in.
The contrasting personality trait tends to be more reactionary and flexible, taking things as they come. Their default behavior makes it harder for them to focus on one thing at a time.
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It’s happened. The Yellow Studio is in a new iteration.
Let’s catch up a little bit and talk about whatever version of your life you may be working on.
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“You only grow by coming to the end of something and by beginning something else.”
― John Irving, The World According to Garp
It’s time to say goodbye! Only to The Yellow Studio 2.0. It’s officially over. Done.
Next week I’ll be getting The Yellow Studio 3.0 set up. Version 3.0 will be a transition studio that I hope will take me through the end of 2023. After that, I’m planning to settle into The Yellow Studio 4.0.
Around 1999 The Yellow Studio 1.0 was born, dubbed with that name because I wanted the walls painted this yellow color. Bright. Sunshiney. Cheerful. That was the goal. And it worked. Especially after I invested in four Ballard Street prints. They worked well with a yellow background. Truth is, everything worked well with the yellow walls as a background.
Over more than 2 decades every “podcast” episode – save those done from the field – was produced right here from inside this yellow room. Except for the first audio files that I uploaded to the Internet, 100% of my podcasts have emanated from The Yellow Studio.
A few friends have inquired, “Are you gonna miss it?”
No, not really. I’m sentimental so I’m leaving with fond memories. The countless hours spent – especially in the nighttime hours when sleep evades me – listening to music, writing, reading, researching, studying, recording, coaching, conversing with friends (in person or online)…an awful lot of life has happened in this room. I’m thankful for all of it, but it’s time to turn the page and start creating a new chapter. Time for a new beginning. That excites me.
Version 3.0 will not be yellow, but The Yellow Studio has grown to represent more than a color. It’s optimism. Positive vides. Wisdom. Insights. Experiences. It’s figuring things out. Learning from mistakes. Always improving! Those things matter more than the color of the walls. But I do love the color. And I will miss that a lot.
What I won’t miss is this moving business. Talk about a whipping!
I enjoyed the hard work of purging, but boxing up 45 years of your life together – even post purge – is a ridiculous amount of work. Rhonda has been diligently packing the most tedious items like china, glassware and lots of breakable stuff. Additionally, she’s had to box up her sewing room, which has been daunting because of the sheer volume of things she needs to keep. Thankfully, during the transition she’ll continue to have some needed space for her craft. Just today I told her, “I’m sure glad podcasting isn’t as space intensive as your passion.”
I don’t plan on skipping more than a beat or two during this move so be patient. I’ll try to get back in the groove was soon as I can.
The old “broadcast table” of Version 1.0 and 2.0 is gone!
The old Heil Audio boom arms, which have served me so well for 20 years, gone! They’ve been creaky for awhile now so it’s past time to retire them.
The original Toshiba 43″ flat panel TV hanging in the studio stayed in the studio, proudly owned by new masters.
The original Rode Rodecaster Pro that YOU helped me get…not quite gone, but it will be soon. It’s pristine and I’ll be selling it to help defray the investment I’ve already made into the newer Rode Rodecaster Pro 2.
Boxed up, but not going away – except for the rest of 2023 – are the Ballard Street prints, the ladies that welcomed folks inside The Yellow Studio, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum – and the dragons and other figurines that populated the studio. These things are going to be safely stowed away in the location of The Yellow Studio 4.0. They’ll just remain boxed, safely stored in the comfortable warmth of bubblewrap.
The new studio will have a brand new 62″ long desk, on casters. That’ll be a first and I’m looking forward to the prospect of moving the studio around as I want. Maybe I won’t move it around much at all. But it’s nice knowing I can.
The new studio will have a brand new chair. I sold my Herman Miller Mirra chair because the armrests are awful. They drove me crazy for years and so I made somebody happy with a killer deal. I was ready to move on. I know the Mirra and Aeron get rave reviews, but I don’t personally think they’re worth the money. One day I may break that down further, but that’s not the point today. I’ve invested in a modestly priced, highly-rated chair. I’ve about decided that those of us spend a lot of time in office/studio chairs might be better served investing in a chair that can serve us well for 2-3 years. After that, we can do it over again. Easier to do when you’re not spending over $1,000 for a chair. Besides, I’m kinda ready for a change after a few years – just because.
The new studio will have at least two new mics. The only mic that isn’t stowed away for the rest of the year is my Tech Zone Audio Stellar X. That’s what you’re hearing right now. It’s been my go-to mic for the past few years. I break the first rule of podcasting by using a condenser mic over a dynamic mic. But I don’t care. I like the crispiness of condenser mics and The Yellow Studio was always conducive for the condenser mics I’ve leaned on – this Stellar X and the Rode NT1.
The new studio will have the Earthworks ETHOS broadcast condenser mic and the brand new Gen 5 Rode NT1, another condenser that has some cool tech built-in.
The new studio will have some new headphones. Most of my headphones are packed away. They’ll stay that way until early next year. The Sony MDR7506 has been my most used phones for years. I’ve replaced the ear cups more times than I can count. They’re really great headphones. I have no complaint. I’m just ready for a change so I’m going back to a brand I used long before these Sony’s made their entrance, Sennheiser. I’m keeping the Sony’s and I also have the AKG K240’s, which never get used. They’re uncomfortable for me. And I prefer phones that fit a bit tighter on my big ‘ol head. They don’t.
The new studio will have a new boom arm, the Rode PS1+. I hope it’s everything folks claim. I’m really tired of the squeakiness of the Heil’s. I’ve endured it for at least the past 5 years so I’m looking forward to seeing if the Rode’s can be adjusted during recording without embarrassing me.
For now, the same computer will serve at the heart of the new studio – an i7 Intel-basd 27″ Apple iMac. I hope to squeeze another year out of this machine, after which I’m hoping to replace it with an Apple laptop of some sort.
I need to huddle with fellow podcasting buddy, Jim Collison (TheAverageGuy.TV) about outboard/external data storage. Jim’s much more technically proficient than me. I’ve got a handful of external spinning hard drives. I also use BackBlaze for online backup, but I’d like to organize my data storage more efficiently. Jim’s likely the perfect coach to help me figure that out. I hope to do that sometime this year before I make version 4.0 my permanent home.
The new studio will also have a new white photo-video retractable background. You won’t see it unless you pay attention to some of my video work, which never happens here at LTW. I want a clean background and I plan to keep the details of my space more confidential for the balance of 2023 (in my Elmer Fudd voice, “ssshhh, be berry, berry quiet”).
The new studio will also feature two new Elgato Key Light Air desk lights. They’ll serve as my work lights as well as video lights. I’ve not had good lighting…EVER. This will be a first. I may have to start wearing makeup like those fancy TV news anchormen.
Lots of changes for version 3.0. And I suspect 4.0 will have fewer changes like these, but it’ll have a monumental change in location. So it’s all exciting.
Everything is hard until it’s easy.
Everything is slow until it’s fast.
That’s how this process has been for us. 2022 was a hard year. Well, to be more accurate, we’ve had a bit of tough go since 2018. I’ve shared enough here – for those who pay close attention – to satisfy the most curious. But personal difficulties aren’t unique to us. You have them, too. This year began much like the past 5. Until things began to take a turn. When they turned, they really turned. At first, we were thinking it may not be real. Maybe we should be reluctant to think momentum is happening. It could be a trick. Turns out it wasn’t a trick.
So we pushed hard and leaned into wisdom to figure out what our next steps should be.
That’s when it went from good to better. For months I’d been casually keeping up with a possible opportunity. But I never thought of seizing it. I was just paying attention to see what might happen with it. I figured somebody would find it suitable, but time went on and things continued to grow even more enticing. More favorable for somebody willing to see it for what I saw it for – a pretty solid opportunity.
Yes, I’m talking about buying another place – the place where The Yellow Studio version 4.0 could be born. The goal was to sell where the original studio was, sit tight and see how the world might unfold between now and the end of the year. When it comes to real estate, my prophet skills are terrible. It’s easy to predict what might happen. It’s more difficult to put your own money on the line to back up your prediction. These are unprecedented times and I’m happy to report, I have no clue what might happen. But I’m a business guy. And I’m now an old business guy, which means I know what I like and I can spot a good deal for me. That doesn’t mean it’s a good deal for you.
So this property I’d been watching continued to get more attractive. Around the middle of the month it got so attractive I couldn’t ignore it. Up to this point I hadn’t shared with Rhonda my fascination with this place. So on a Saturday I told her about it. I asked her to do two things: a) find a reason to not take advantage of it, and b) ask yourself if you were lose it would you regret it?
I’d been doing both of those and I wasn’t able to find a reason not to jump on it. A few days before sharing it with her I’d been struck with an overwhelming feeling that if I were not take a run at it, and somebody else did – I’d regret it. By late Saturday afternoon she had had time to look it over. Keep in mind I’d been watching it pretty closely for about 4 months, so I had a big head start. She concluded what I had concluded so I sent a text message to a friend who could help us with this opportunity and we were on the hunt.
The friend provided additional information. More details. They only verified our interest. We got more serious about the hunt, making an offer.
Within half a day we had a deal pending inspection and the unearthing of some deal breaker.
Off we went – my son, the inspector and me. Follow him on TikTok. A whirlwind trip proved fruitful. A little something here. A little something there. Some things to shore up, not any major because it was a newly constructed place. It checked the boxes for us. No place is perfect but it seemed awfully close. Repeatedly we looked at each other commenting about how true those statements are:
Everything is hard until it’s easy.
Everything is slow until it’s fast.
Boy, had things been hard for so long. And talk about languishing for week after week, month after month and year after year! We knew it well and now we were flummoxed because it was like things were for the first time in a long time falling into place too easily.
Some people believe things should be easy – and if they’re not, then they’re not likely meant to be (whatever that means). I’ve never subscribed to that, but I’m close to converting.
Then, it continued. The transition location for version 3.0 had been problematic price wise. Rhonda and I had labored over it for many months in preparation for pulling a trigger. It was scary and confusing. But when my son and I returned from inspecting version 4.0’s location, the next day – things shifted. Suddenly, for the first time in a year the pricing dropped to the lowest price we’d seen in a year. So, without hesitation, we hit our GO button.
For people who aren’t impulsive about anything it sure looked – to the uninitiated – that were. But that wasn’t the case. We had slowly been grinding for about a year toward all this. It just had failed to come together. Until it did. And when it did, it went so fast it almost made up sick at our stomachs. But we took a deep inhale and took another step forward. Then another. And another. Before long we had advanced further than we had in over five years.
I was beginning to think I might never feel it again. Momentum. Plans coming to fruition. I had faith – well, I said I did. Saying you believe and actually believing aren’t the same thing. For the past 4 months or so I’ve worked harder than ever to make sure I’m honest in my belief. To be sure that I’m trusting God and willing to accept failure – or the rejection of what I most want to happen.
Here’s the thing about our plans and our ideal outcomes. We can’t know with 100% certainty if we’re correct. I can think the thing I want will serve me well, but I could be wrong. “Be careful what you wish for and all that.” Maybe there are things we can’t or don’t see. Maybe a “no,” serves us much better than a “yes.” I can think of so many things I wanted to happen, but they didn’t – and it turned out what a blessing that “no” was. Had some of those things happened, it would been awful for me. And sometimes, for my family, too.
The sudden easiness of these things seemed as evidence that we were on track – that our ideal outcome was indeed going to be our ideal. It beefed up our faith in what we had already concluded. We knew why were pursuing these things. We had worked hard to keep our hearts in the right place. Many things we couldn’t have possibly foreseen were falling into place. And that quote leaped to my mind…
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets: Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”
― William Hutchison Murray, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition
Commitment isn’t all that’s required though. I’ve been more committed to some things that never happened than I have things that did. But that doesn’t mean commitment is unimportant. It is. I rather focus on the word “ineffectiveness.” Not all commitment includes effectiveness. Being effective is harder than being ineffective. I’d modify this brilliant quote to include “effective commitment.” Unfortunately, I can’t define it. We know it when we experience, but like us in recent years – we’ve not experienced it very much. Then suddenly, we began to experience it in waves. It felt unnatural, like a dream.
Trepidation is a killer. Waiting for the shoe to drop is a real fear. A deadline comes and things work. Relief until the next deadline is met with success. A string of events hinge on each other and it’s unnerving. But we keep walking – having faith it’ll keep moving in the positive direction we most want. So far, so good.
That’s why today’s episode is a Saturday show, not the normal Thursday show. I didn’t want to be too quick on the draw. By now I can tell you, it’s a done deal. And like Jimmy Buffett sings, “Come Monday, it’ll be alright” because come Monday The Yellow Studio’s version 4.0 location will be secured. Signed, sealed and delivered.
It’s great when a plan comes together, huh? It’s even greater when it comes together smoothly after a long, arduous march through the muck and mire to make it reality. It’s like the conclusion of a 5-year trek through the wilderness to reach some highly sough after place of serenity. The relief when you top the hill and see the lights of the place give you such joy – it’s hard to describe.
We topped the hill. We see the lights. We’re now trekking down the mountain, looking forward to the hot shower, clean clothes and good meal that awaits us. Lord willing, by Monday afternoon we’ll be able to sit down, grab a nice drink of water – or Diet Dr. Pepper – catch our breath, then clean up so we can celebrate!
How Can My Story Serve You In Crafting Your Story?
For starters, success isn’t guaranteed any more than failure. As the Bible says, “Time and chance happens to them all.” (Ecclesiastes 9:11) There is a randomness in life, but that’s no reason to loose belief. Optimism is still our best path forward. Confidence is in our abilities. It’s not wide-eyed optimism of delusion. The foundation of our confidence is the notion that based on our skills, talent, abilities and competence – we believe we can do this thing. That doesn’t mean it’ll work. Or that it’ll work quickly. Success takes time. Failure can come quick.
Failure can be a lesson to help us figure out success. It can also be a gatekeeper to suppress the masses because failure – even early failure – defeats most people. Success seems to reward persistence – those willing to do what others aren’t. Don’t be too quick to read failure as some sign that “it’s not meant to be.” Perhaps failure is exactly what is meant to be so you’ll learn to pursue your ideal outcome no matter what.
Failure teaches us how to recognize and appreciate success. From the valley floor we look up in admiration of the peak. The moment we set out to summit that peak, defeat kicks in by challenging us, showing us how hard the climb will be. The peak illustrates the rarity of her occupants by making sure only those willing to sacrifice successfully arrive. The higher you climb, the greater the difficulty, the fewer peers you encounter willing to press on. It’s up to us if we’ll keep climbing or quit.
Success will always look like failure until it doesn’t. One step at a time doesn’t always reveal progress. That’s why faith is important. Belief that you’re making progress, even when it’s not apparent. How long you sustain that journey is entirely up to you. This, for me, has been one the hardest parts of this journey but I always believed in what I was pursuing and I was unwavering in knowing what I wanted to achieve. Deep down inside I knew it was the best, wisest course – even if life seemed to be showing me otherwise.
Changing your mind by altering your ideal outcome isn’t a sign of surrender. It doesn’t mean you’re giving up your dream. It means you may have evolved and figured some things out before you had to materially experience failure. New information coupled with your personal growth should result in some changes. And what a blessing when that growth happens in your mind and your planning, and not in a physical outcome. For example, I started four years ago diving deeply into learning all I could about the short-term rental business. As a business guy it still intrigues me, but I had a very specific notion of what I most wanted to do. It didn’t involve owning and operating as many doors as possible. I was aiming small, but rewarding. Over time, things changed. The market grew increasingly more saturated. Over the past 18 months doors where I was most interested doubled. Occupancy rates dropped. Without ever having operated a single night running a short-term rental I changed my mind. Now, I was more intrigued with the less profitable, but still lucrative model of mid-term rentals (30 days plus). That began to interest me much more than short-term rental. Turns out none of it was going to happen. At least, not yet. Was it a failure? No because I never made a single investment or suffered a single loss. This was all a mental exercise as I studied a business I’ve never practiced.
Now it’s time to take a break from the microphone so I can dig in and do the work required to make my way down to the valley of success after this long journey. There’s no time to rest from that work so I need to rest from this work, but just for a couple of weeks. You won’t miss me much. Lord willing, I’ll be back before you know it.
Thank you very much for being part of the journey from the beginning to this version 2.0 of The Yellow Studio. Go here if you’d like the virtual tour(s) I’ve done of The Yellow Studio.
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The story may date back earlier than 1917. President Reagan made it famous because it was among his favorite jokes. That’s likely where I first heard it.
A couple had twin boys who were six years old. Worried that the boys had developed extreme personalities – one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist – their parents took them to a psychiatrist.
First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked, baffled. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?” “Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.”
Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist emitted just the yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from his brother, the pessimist. Then he clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to his knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. “What do you think you’re doing?” the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist. “With all this manure,” the little boy replied, beaming, “there must be a pony in here somewhere!”
With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!
Dr. Martin Seligman is the Fox Leadership Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania. In 1991 he published a book, Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. As the dad of two elementary school-age kids who were fast approaching junior high, I was particularly interested in seeing if I could help my children learn optimism. Self-talk was a pretty active conversation with my kids because I understood that their futures would be greatly impacted by the messages they told themselves. The book had a chapter about teaching kids to be more optimistic and included an assessment you could give them. I had my kids take the little quiz to display their level of optimism. Turns out they weren’t overly optimistic, but nor were they overly pessimistic.
The whole notion of learning optimism stuck with me. Seligman contrasted learning optimism with learning helplessness, the belief that we’re incapable of changing our circumstances. Mostly, we think of it as having a victim mentality, but I grew increasingly fond of Seligman’s term, helplessness. It seemed more insidious and made me think more people would likely disapprove of admitting helplessness when they might embrace being a victim.
As a dad I spent a lot of time coaching my kids to tell themselves positive messages. That little engine that could may have been an early childhood development story, but it’s true no matter our age.
“Think you can, think you can’t; either way you’ll be right.” -Henry Ford
Many of us have heard this all our lives, but that doesn’t mean we’ve mastered doing it. Frequently there’s a big gap between what we know and what we do. The challenge is to control our thinking. Experience has taught me that for many of us, job one is to learn we can control our thinking because it’s easy to think we’re simply stuck with our thoughts. “We are who we are,” is the refrain of resignation. It’s as though we’re unable to grow, improve and change to develop into a better version of ourselves.
The twin boys in President Regan’s favorite joke were predisposed – one toward pessimism and the other toward optimism. We’re amused at the behavior of both of them. Maybe you’re thinking that both of them reacted ridiculously. Maybe they did, but those viewpoints had a direct impact on what each of them did. They both took action based on how they viewed the situation.
One, the pessimist, embraced misery and suffering. Helplessness was the chosen path. I’ve never found any good reason or outcome associated with helplessness.
The other, the optimist, embraced elevated expectations even in the face of apparent negativity. And again, I’ve never found any good reason or outcome that makes his viewpoint counterproductive. The only response people offer as a downside of optimism is, “You’ll be disappointed.” I laugh out loud and tell them, “We’re going to be disappointed anyway! So how does optimism hurt us?”
Listen, learning optimism isn’t about avoiding disappointment. It’s not about chasing a perfect life where everything goes exactly as we want. It’s really about something much more important.
Responsibility.
Accountability.
Pessimism is about embracing helplessness. It’s about excuse-making. It’s about seeing ourselves as helpless victims unable to do anything to improve our circumstances.
Clients regularly tell me, “Well, when you put it like that…”
How else would you put it?
I’m sitting across a CEO, business owner. He’s rehearsing a possible market move when he mutters, “That won’t likely pan out.” I stop him and ask, “Why not?”
He gives me a litany of reasons why it’s likely going to fail. So I ask, “Why might it work?”
He gives me an equal number (maybe more) reasons why it could likely succeed.
Then he stops and says, “I see what you did there.” And I said, “Good. I didn’t want to have to explain it again.” We chuckled.
High performers aren’t immune from bouts of pessimism. We never conquer our mind. It’s a constant act of courage to get a grip on our thoughts. But it’s the most profitable work we can do.
You Find What You’re Looking For
Some things are easy to spot and find. I was the proud owner of a Phoenix Yellow 2000 Acura Type R Integra. I easily saw the few other yellow Type R’s on the road. In fact, I more easily spotted all yellow cars because that’s what I was driving. In similar fashion, it’s easy to spot opportunities when that’s what you’re looking for. Or, it’s easy to spot challenges and difficulties when that’s what you’re looking for. Just like it’s easy to be angry, disgruntled or filled with blame when those viewpoints dominate your thoughts. We become what we constantly think about – and how we think about it. All the more reason for to be cautious and carefully guard our thoughts.
Can we change how we think?
Of course. We’ve all done it many times. We’ve changed our minds more times than we can count. It’s not always provoked by external influence either. Sometimes we just altered our decision. We choose something different. Sometimes I feel like regular mustard, sometimes I want brown spicy mustard and sometimes I want honey mustard. It’s not always something so insignificant, but it’s often not something that important either. “Where do you want to go eat?” “Do you want the green shirt or the blue one?” “What do you want to drink?” Life is filled with lots of daily decisions that vary depending on our mood or preference in that moment.
Those changes in our mind don’t usually have anything to do with optimism.
Optimism is…
hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something
Mustard. Dining choices. Color selections. Those aren’t choices made with hopefulness or hopelessness. They’re just whatever we want at the time.
Weightier things – like relationships, careers, finances, and other activities that define our lives – tend to be determined by our outlook, our approach and how we see the world. And our place in it.
I’ll bet you, or somebody you know, frequently say things to demonstrate how unlucky they feel they are. I understand why people who feel just the opposite probably just keep quiet about it. It’d sound like bragging, but I do know people who – from where I’m looking – appear to have a Midas touch. Remarkably, they’re not the brightest or the best, but they sure do seem to find success in most everything they attempt.
Years of looking at folks like that has shown me a few things.
- These folks expect to succeed. They don’t ever begin something thinking it’ll fail. In fact, they don’t even consider it as a possibility. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It just means they don’t give it any space in their brain. They make their first step and every step after that with the assumption that it’ll work.
- These folks have an unabashed zest for promoting their work. They have no reservations about shouting to the world that their pursuit is worth supporting.
- They don’t let challenges or setbacks determine the final outcome. They have a resilience forged in their optimism that they’ll figure this out. The challenge is merely a blip to be dealt with. And quickly. Challenges are not roadblocks, but speed bumps that slow down their progress. It’s often humorous to me how they get angry at challenges, not discouraged. It’s a “how dare you slow me down?” spirit.
- They have no reservations about changing their mind. If success isn’t quite what they were aiming for, they’ll pull the plug without fear. If the success is wonderful, they may find a great exit so they can get on with their next conquest. Most don’t start with this in mind, but they quickly adapt because they don’t get hung up about changing their mind.
Confidence plays a big role. Confidence in what? Confidence in our own competence. It doesn’t mean we have to be the smartest. It just means we have to be confident in our abilities, skills and whatever else we’ve got to accomplish this thing. Or to figure it out. In what else would we be confident?
Optimism isn’t based on being world-class. If that were the case, then only a very select few would be able to practice it. It’s based on our belief in ourselves, but that seems rather self-centered so there must be more to it. Or is there?
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We’re closing in on saying goodbye to The Yellow Studio version 2.0. It’s where every podcast episode I’ve ever produced (other than a few field recordings) was recorded. But I’m looking forward to the next chapter, The Yellow Studio version 3.0.
Lots of people want more money, but they don’t necessarily have any specific thing they want to do with it. They just think having more of it will make them happy. Or maybe they do know what they want – or think they do. A nicer house. A new car. Exotic vacations. Fancier restaurants to frequent.
Many people want more recognition, but they don’t know why. They envy famous people. They imagine what life might be like hearing applause or being chased for an autograph.
Everybody wants something. Everybody wants many somethings. We all want a lot of things.
Does that speak to our lack or our lack of gratitude? Or neither? Maybe it just speaks to our discontentment with whatever the status quo is. Warren Buffett is worth $87 billion, but he’s still working every day to achieve and amass more. And he’s giving away 99% of it so he’s not doing it to lavish anything on himself. Reports claim he lives a fairly modest lifestyle. Ridiculously modest by the standards you’d expect of somebody with his income. So why does he want more?
Why do you want more?
Because you don’t yet have it. And when you get it, it won’t be enough. Never is.
I’m gonna start by using LTW as a case study.
Leaning Toward Wisdom kinda sorta officially began on Tuesday, October 30, 2001, as a blog. But I was posting content online beginning in the fall of 1996 and using the moniker, “Leaning Toward Wisdom.” It was all done in HTML and the domain name wasn’t LTW. This was before I was domain name savvy. Proved by the fact that I didn’t register my own name domain until December 1999. It would be February 2005 before I’d snag LTW. I’m a slow learner.
Why did I want to start journaling (we didn’t call it blogging at the beginning) under the guise of LTW? I was approaching my 40th birthday when I began to chronicle things. Random things. I was all over the board. No focus. Just a bunch of scatter-shooting of thoughts, opinions and takes on whatever was on my mind. I had two kids in high school with my oldest having already turned 16.
I can’t remember why I wanted to do it at the very beginning. Maybe it’s because the next year I would turn 40. Maybe it’s because I could sense the high school days of my kids wasn’t going to last more than a couple of more years. I was operating a retail company and putting in the typical long hours required of running any multi-million dollar enterprise. Maybe the journaling was therapeutic. I’m certain it was, but I’m old now and can’t really remember all the details of the beginning. Give me a break. The Internet was young and so was I (reasonably so).
Within a year I had put an audio file on my HTML site. No, it wasn’t podcasting. We didn’t yet know what that was. Keep in mind, Apple iTunes was launched on January 9, 2001. It would be about 3 years before the term podcasting would enter in 2004. But I do remember hearing about and reading about audio blogging. That’s what prompted some of my first audio files going up on my horrible website. Hard drive space was hard to come by, and drives were expensive…so no, I do not have those original files. When I abandoned that original website – which I can’t remember what it was because I didn’t keep any of those original sites – all the content went away. Probably a blessing. I’m sure the stuff was dreadful.
But the point is the question – why did I want what I wanted?
Expression? Brain dumping? Venting? Chronicling?
I suppose all those things were on my mind. I can tell you what was NOT on my mind. Building an audience. Only in my business endeavors did I really want to do that (for obvious reasons). Fast forward to the beginning of 2005 and I was much clearer in what I wanted. I registered the LTW domain name and started the podcast. WordPress wasn’t commonplace, but it was around. I found a local guy who did freelance web work on something called Expression Engine. It was a CMS like WordPress, but it was on the scene at least 2 years before WordPress. I think I spent a few hundred bucks to have the guy design me a site because I knew nothing about CMS and I wasn’t interested in continuing the old HTML strategy. I was using Blogger at this point and I had been really regular in using it, linking it to my ugly long-winded URL where I had created an ugly HTML site.
I liked the design the guy gave me, but my blogging and audio blogging slowed to a crawl after I got the design in place. I was busy with work and family. I just didn’t have time to figure out how to pilot this stupid new web-based software. The site began to grow moss, weeds, and thorns. I had so wanted a new, snazzy design — or thought I did. Instead, I found myself reverting back to the analog world where I was writing in my notebooks.
Why did I want a new, cool design? Because I thought it would have the opposite effect. I thought if I had a site that was more captivating to ME, that I’d create more content. I still subscribe to that idea. In fact, whenever friends ask me for a bit of web help (no, I’m not a designer), I urge them to get a site that’s not perfect, but one they’re reasonably proud of — because they’ll be spending more time looking at it than anybody else. And in my experience, especially for folks just starting out with their first site, if people like their site they’ll spend more time pumping out content. It’s like the photographic evidence of our first child. We capture everything. By the time the second kid rolls in, we’re lucky if we pay much attention to all the small moments.
So I know some of the why’s, but not all of them. But I do know the important ones, I think. Mostly, by the time I was really approaching LTW with more strategic intention, I only cared about one thing. Chronicling ideas for my kids. By now I was 45 and my oldest child was 22. That’s very different than being 39 with an oldest child who is 16. And some important things had happened in those intervening years, too. I was about 5 years into a new role of leadership at church. I was still running a retailing company and I was pushing as hard as ever professionally. I’ve never been accused of lacking drive.
But something was happening. The church work was taking priority. My kids were nearing the end of their college careers. I knew what was likely to happen next. Marriage. Launching their own careers and lives. And I knew we were close to emptying the nest. It wasn’t a mid-life crisis. I don’t feel I’ve ever experienced that. Mostly because it feels like every phase of my life has experienced some degree of “crisis.”
Mortality is ever present. I’m weird. I get it. I think about subjects that depress others. Like death. It’s inevitable. Yours, too. (Sorry, did that come as a surprise?)
But it started with a more positive, although for me depressing thought (because of what might have been) — what if our great grandparents had been able to chronicle their lives? How cool would that be? But how sad, or angry, might you be if the technology had been available to your grandparents and they didn’t do it?
I was having these thoughts before the mobile revolution. Before everybody’s cell phone contained a great camera and mic. I was thinking like this when podcasting was harder, but totally doable – even for a non-techie.
And I’m a communicator. So it was deeper than an urge. It was more of a “I gotta do this” kind of a thing. So I did. Mostly to capture some things for my now grown up kids. Neither of them was married when I started. Rhonda and I now have 5 grandkids – four boys and one girl. What began as a project mostly for my kids (and my wife, only in that when I’m gone – yes, that’s a metaphor for being DEAD) has now grown to expand 5 grandkids.
Along the way, you joined me somehow. I recruited you. Coerced you. Bribed you. Begged you. Or you naturally found LTW so entertaining, compelling, or disturbing that you couldn’t resist. Well, whatever the reason — I’m thankful. And appreciative. Thank you!
I knew what I wanted when I began. It’s changed a bit, but only because the tribe – my tribe – has increased. But I was clear at the outset why I was doing it. And Simon Sinek has made a career of being the guy most people think invented the one-word question, “Why?” It’s a great question and a better answer. I know my why with LTW.
I’ve known all along why I wanted to produce LTW. Like that Westie dog attacking that ice cream cone (the graphic for today’s show), I was clear about the reward. For myself. It was an entirely selfish endeavor. I wanted to pass on what I wanted to pass on. I didn’t ask my kids about it. Rhonda and I have never talked about it. Truth is, I’ve never asked any of them if they’ve ever listened to a single episode. I rather doubt they have. And that’s fine. I understand it. But I also know how people are when somebody dies. Photos, notes, and possessions that prior held not much meaning become very important. So it’s likely to go with LTW and that’s perfectly fine. Probably as it should be.
Like I said, there are many older folks I once knew – and many more I never was able to meet because they died before my birth (or my ability to remember) – who I wish I could hear speak. That thought of a grandfather or great grandfather (or mother) recording some thoughts on audio or video fascinates me. What a gift it would be, right? LTW is my gift to my family. You’re crashing our party and that’s cool.
Most people think about what they want in terms of jobs, incomes, and possessions. Increasingly, the younger generation is thinking in terms of experiences, too. But so do some older folks who love to travel. We want what we want. We just seem to rarely give deep thought as to why.
Why do you want THAT job and this one?
Why do you want to earn THAT amount of money?
Why do you want THAT car instead of the one you’ve got?
Why do you want to take THAT trip instead of some other trip? Or instead of staying home?
“Why?” is a great question. But one not always easily answered. The Westie wants ice cream for the same reason you do. It tastes great.
Some time ago I was helping a fella out with some free counsel. Career counsel. He tossed out a number. The income he hoped to one day achieve. I asked him, “Have you ever earned that amount?”
“No,” he said. I dug deeper, “Have you ever earned anything close to that?”
“No.”
“Why did you settle on that amount then?” I asked.
Long pause.
“I don’t know. It just feels like an amount that would be right,” he continued.
“Be right how?” He had now really piqued my curiosity how he had come to this specific annual amount.
“Oh, I don’t know. It just seems like a good amount that would give me the life I want,” he concluded.
Well, I couldn’t leave well enough alone so I continued to probe. For the next half-hour or so we talked with me pressing him with questions. Turns out other than a newer model car there wasn’t any specific motivation behind the number. His why turned out to be closely associated with his self-esteem. His perception of himself was that until he was able to earn that amount, he wasn’t as successful as he felt he should be. And it wasn’t based on his own views, but on how he perceived he stacked up to other people at his stage of life. He was busy comparing himself to others and he didn’t think he measured up or would measure up – until or unless he earned that amount.
Within a few miles of where I live are many multi-million dollar houses. I don’t live in a multi-million dollar house. And for good reason. I can’t afford it.
All over town, I see big, foreign cars that any car guy (or gal) would love to drive (or own). Cars costing $80,000 or more are quite commonplace in Dallas/Ft. Worth. The most expensive car I’ve ever owned was about $32,000 and I thought that was ridiculous. Why? Because I can’t afford to drive an $80,000 or $100,00 car. I know guys who custom order Bentley’s – a quarter of a million bucks for a car! How do I stack up? Well, I’m not even in that deck of cards. These folks are playing chess while over here playing checkers.
Would it be fun to play chess? I don’t know. Maybe. But I’m not losing any sleep over it. Because I know something you may have yet learned. Not because I’m smarter, but I may be older. Much older. A man’s or woman’s worth isn’t measured in dollars. You know it’s true even though you may not always act like it. Or think like it.
Sure, a person’s value professionally can be mostly is measured in dollars. Warren Buffett is worth 83 or 87 billion because he has made many other people very wealthy. His investment acumen (and his equity position) warrant the money he earns. Ditto for every other business owner or CEO or Chairman. You may not think the CEO of Exxon/Mobil is worth $25 million a year, but if he can get it, then that’s what he’s worth. Dollar value is based solely on what people will pay. Nothing else. But dollar value is just one angle of the thing.
I’m confident to think LTW is a pretty decent piece of content. But there are no dollar values assigned because LTW isn’t a business. It doesn’t earn a dime. So does that mean it’s worthless? You tell me. It’s worth something to me. When I’m dead it’ll be worth even more to the people who love me.
So it goes.
Social media is terrific. I’ve always thought so.
Doesn’t mean there aren’t downsides. Most notably the drive behind why some people want what they want. The social media platforms often help drive people’s desires. Money, looks, trips, all the rest. It’s the consumerism that drives world economies. Buying stuff makes the world go round. Human nature isn’t going to disappoint though. People will always want to buy things they don’t yet have. Or better than what they currently do. Nothing inherently bad about that.
Wisdom is largely restraint. Self-control. It begins with controlling our thoughts, which drive our feelings and desires.
You see a friend post pictures of a trip overseas on Instagram. You think, “I’ve never been out of the country. Man, it would be so nice to go see Ireland.” And envy and morph quickly into jealousy. All the while thinking, “If we were doing better financially we could make a trip like that.” Funny thing is, we may have never thought about taking a such before seeing that Instagram post. That’s the downside of social media, but it’s not the medium’s fault. It’s our fault for being so out of touch with why we want what we want. And understanding if it’s even good for us.
I’m engaged in conversation with somebody and the talk turns specifically to dollars. Specially, what we’d do with extra money. It wasn’t about any specific amount of money. He brought up a story about a person who won a big lottery. I mentioned some specific things that I’d so with extra money. They were ridiculously simple, unsexy things. Things most people would scoff at.
A nice steak dinner with Rhonda. I don’t even care for steak, but she loves it.
A few house renovations. There’s always a few things that could use shoring up.
A piece of audio gear I don’t need.
That was about the extent of it. His list wasn’t much better although it was a bit different than mine. Ironically, neither of us mentioned real life-changing things.
What would your list look like? Suppose you got an extra $1,000 to do with as you pleased. How would you spend it? Why would you want what you want?
Look at my 3. A steak dinner because Rhonda would love it. House renovations because we could always use it. Audio gear for me because I enjoy it. I at least knew why I named the ones I named. I’m not saying they’re smart, or wise. Or that I might not change my mind if I had the money in hand.
It’s not money that matters, but that seems to occupy us most. I get it. We all need it. Mostly, we feel like we need more. Why? Frankly, because so often times we need to stay up with the crowd. Which crowd? Our crowd. Whomever the crowd may be.
Significance. Respect. Love. Ability to help. Deep conversation. These are just a few things that I want. Why?
Here’s the punchline to the show. Because these are the things I value. Because they make me feel useful. And feeling useful means I’m making a difference. And making a difference feeds whatever beast lies within. For me – and I suspect for you, too – the fuel we most crave is whatever fills us up.
Some people are shopaholics. Shopping makes them feel better. It fills them. Sadly, it maxes out their credit cards, too. It’s destructive behavior attempting to fill a void it’s unable to fill. Like drugs or alcohol. Or any other destructive behavior. Short-term enjoyment or pleasure followed by the negative consequence that destroys us. Sometimes slowly. Sometimes not.
Some people are thrill chasers. I don’t understand rock climbers. I hate heights. Nothing about that activity speaks to me. I’ll watch it in amazement. But no thanks! They want it because they love everything about it. The risk is worth the reward because the value proposition is extraordinary for them.
We pursue and chase what we value. We want what we want because something about it is important to us.
Should we accept that at face value? No. There’s going to be some piece of audio gear I want. Always. Do I need it? Will it make a difference in my life? No. I can just imagine having it though and in that moment I can think, “That’d be nice.”
Would a few house renovations be nice? Sure. Some might even in time become necessary. It’s a much more practical want.
Would an expensive steak dinner be nice? Yes, for Rhonda. And if she’s happy, then I’m happier. And it’d likely be the cheapest of the 3 so I’m going with that one. (I’m nothing if not practical)
Largely I think these ideas are worth considering because it boils down so often to what do I want for myself versus what do I want on behalf of others. It’s the lead that I buried all show long, until now. The why is an important question, but maybe the bigger one is the pronoun contained in the question. Why do YOU want what YOU want?
Well, because it’s all about YOU, right? No, it’s about ME. Wait a minute. Who is this about? We all think – or know – we’re the most important person on the planet. The old adage about WII-FM is true. It’s the station we all have on our preset. What’s In It For Me.
If you think that Westie is gonna share that ice cream, then you don’t know Westies very well. Or any dog. Or any human. We’re all largely selfish. Yes, even those of us chasing significance and other things that appear so noble. Maybe they’re not noble at all. Maybe they’re supremely selfish.
Think about it. Significance is a pretty big thing. Who’s significance am I worried about? Not yours. I’ve got my own to fret over. Don’t get me wrong. I hope you are significant. Maybe better said, I hope you feel significant. But I don’t care about yours as much as I do mine. Besides, I figure you’re worrying about your own so I don’t have to. I just want you to worry about mine, with me! So it goes.
Seriously, it’s probably wise to question why we want what we want. And to ask ourselves what’s being accomplished if we get it. Or what we’ll miss if we don’t. There’s empirical evidence that when it comes to income we migrate back to some type of set point within a short period of time. We think the big raise will solve all our problems. Only to find within a few short months that those problems persist. The more things change the more they remain the same.
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I leave a client’s office after a normal, but intense 2-hour conversation. These are common conversations for me. Twice, during the course of a few hours, the client grows visibly emotional. I love these moments because it means we’re speaking to issues of the heart. These are the things that really matter.
As I walk to my car, leaving the client’s office building, I’m thinking about podcasting, co-hosts, having guests and engaging in conversations. But mostly, I’m thinking about two words: compassion and leadership. Both of which are defined in my mind (at least in part) as “a focus on others.”
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Let’s do some scatter-shooting today. Today’s show covers a few subjects:
- Our 45th wedding anniversary (me and Rhonda, not me and you)
- My hyper-local podcast, HotSpringsVillageInsideOut.com
- Spammers and scammers
- Personal pain
- Your ideal outcome / my ideal outcome – plan A may give way to plan M, O, or Z
- The Starfish Parable
- I’m an INFJ-Introvert, Intuitive, Feeler, Judger
- The VIA Survey, click here to take it (free) – this is a character strength assessment
- Our (me and Rhonda) encore chapter (just a teaser)
“What You Do Makes A Difference, And You Have To Decide What Kind Of Difference You Want To Make.” -Jane Goodall
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During the MLB playoff telecast of the NLCS between Philadelphia and San Diego, game 2, Fox analyst and Hall of Fame pitcher John Smoltz made an observation about failures. He remarked how nobody wants to be that guy who has a mishap or failure during a game…but if you allow it to pole vault you to success it can be a positive thing in your career.
I’ve seen good athletic coaches approach players who just experienced a disaster and convey the same sermon. “You can let that failure define you as a failure, or you can step up, learn from it and let it define your comeback to success!”
So what’s it going to be?
Life is filled with examples where people failed under pressure. Many of them – like a major league baseball player – in a public way. I’m not much of a baseball fan, but you can go read a list of the top 10 major league baseball blunders of all time. These aren’t necessarily sustained failures, but moments of time where a player bungled a play. That’s important for our conversation today – these are moments in time. But that doesn’t mean they lack the ability to become something more. Sometimes a single blunder morphs into another and another…forming a string of failures that can define an entire career.
A moment in time vs. systemic behavior that defines our life — do you believe we can choose?
Conversations about fate abound. I’m fascinated by how many people embrace notions of fate where they ascribe meaning to everything that happens. They use phrases like “it wasn’t meant to be,” or “it was meant to be.” Whether it’s an encounter with a new person, snagging a great parking spot, landing a new job, or not even being interviewed for a new job – I encounter many people who believe these things happen for a reason.
Maybe the difference between us (me and these folks) isn’t that great, but it’s still interesting to me. They think these things happen for a reason and are largely outside their control. I think these things can be leveraged and used for our growth – which means I think we can choose to use these things ‘for a reason,’ but I don’t think they were necessarily destined to be.
One big thing bothers me about such a notion – fate means we’re victims of it. Or victors because of it. It’s completely random based on…nothing! The universe or some unknown power puts us in a bucket. Some of us are winners. Some are losers. And mostly, we’re stuck with whatever category fate puts us in.
I’ve not met many people who say it that way. Or who claim that’s what they think. It doesn’t sound very good when you state it so clearly. But listen to what people say – and how they say it.
A person hoping to make a business deal experiences failure. He tells me, “It just wasn’t meant to be.”
A person pursuing a personal dream that has yet to be realized due to a few unsuccessful attempts remarks, “If it’s not meant to be, then it just won’t happen, but I’m going to keep trying.”
These are almost daily comments I hear. It’s easy to let them impact my own mentality. I sometimes worry if my viewpoint is being clouded by such language. I choose to oppose it, so I work hard to resist the urge to see myself in those terms.
Are they right? Are there things meant to be versus things that aren’t meant to be? Does the universe care if my personal dreams are achieved? Or not?
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“In a good bookroom, you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them.”
― Mark Twain
Twain was right. I know the feeling well, having surrounded myself with books for most of my adult life.
Only recently did I rid myself of the vast array of books that surrounded me. But it was time and I have no regrets. Hopefully, somebody else is benefiting from the thousands of books I donated not long ago to a local library.
Absorbing wisdom is an interesting phrase used by Twain in that quote. He didn’t say knowledge. There’s a difference.
“Any fool can know. The point is to understand.”
― Albert Einstein
Here at LTW I’ve long given my personal definition of wisdom as the model from which each podcast episode is cast – getting it right in realtime. I stand by that definition, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only kind of wisdom. Sometimes we learn wisdom because we got it wrong – the first time. Now the question is, “Will we get it right the next time?” Fools don’t. Wise people do. Simply put, wise people learn, and learn faster.
“Never laugh at live dragons.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien
For our 45th wedding anniversary Rhonda bought me a toy dragon. For some unknown reason, I’ve dubbed him Carl.
Carl is dragon number 3 inside The Yellow Studio. The first was found many years ago in Clearwater, Florida while on a business trip. I found him in a store one day and kept going back daily wrestling with whether or not to purchase him. He’s ceramic and heavy. I was flying home and traveling as light as possible. By end of my last day there, I intentionally waited until close to closing time, walked in, grabbed him and made the store owner an offer, which he accepted. I can’t remember how much he was priced originally or why I even decided he might not be worth that amount, but pleased with my discounted price I brought him home to the Yellow Studio where he’s been a fixture for many years (over 20). You can likely figure out why I liked him so much.
https://leaningtowardwisdom.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/Orange-Dragon.mp4The first actual toy dragon came from the same place as Carl, a toy merchant at a local flea market in Hot Springs, Arkansas, Jimmie. For over 35 years Jimmie has been collecting and peddling toys. Ebay and the Internet have made profit harder to come by for Jimmie, but daily he mans his booth in this flea market jam-packed with toys of all ilks, including an occasional dragon.
Carl and this unnamed orange dragon came from Jimmie. I rather love them all. And recently told Jimmie to be on the look out for whatever might turn into my 3rd purchase from Jimmie.
These are the dragons who now reside Inside The Yellow Studio. And I’m always reminded of that Tolkien quote, “Never laugh at live dragons.” I suspect one’s first encounter with a live dragon might prove so fearful that a wise person would learn to not laugh, but to take the dragon seriously. So it is with learning wisdom. We may not get it right the first time, but we’d best get it right the next time lest it prove fatal.
As much as we may want to get it right in realtime, that often doesn’t happen. And it’s mostly okay. Except when it’s not.
For years I’ve shared with you my parental advice, “Don’t make a mistake from which you can’t recover.” We never wanted our children to make a mistake so foolish that it caused permanent or long-lasting damage. We trained them and hoped they’d learn from their mistakes, but mostly…we wanted those mistake to be ones from which they could recover or find redemption from.
It wasn’t just parental advice, it was what we tried to accomplish in our own lives, as their parents. Yes, we sometimes got it wrong, but with the things that mattered the most – those things that are eternal – we got it completely right. We leaned hard into providing the spiritual food our children needed to grow up strong, resilient and stedfast in the Faith.
Daily conversations, lots of questions answered, lots of study and Bible reading, prayer, worship and all the things to provide growing kids with enough information to figure out whether or not they’d get it right and serve God, or if they’d rather get it wrong and serve themselves. They choose wisely and got it right in real-time.
But I’m sad to report that sometimes getting it wrong in real-time can happen due to a change of will – a change of mind. One child decided God, Faith and eternity weren’t worth the sacrifice. That a marriage. And children weren’t worth it either. That a valuable career were not longer worth it. But instead that sin, self and vice were more valuable.
It was a hard decision to watch, but none of us liveth to ourselves and no man dies to himself (Romans 14:7). What we do impacts others. But we all have choices to make. We’re unable to make decisions for others. Even if we could impose our will on adult children, should we? What good would result? Manipulation and coercion are not the path forward.
Minds can be changed for good…or bad.
Here at LTW we’re intensely focused on getting it RIGHT (good) in real-time. We’re all about self-discipline and self-sacrifice because these are the attributes of wisdom, and living our best lives.
In my own quest to be a better person – and live a better life – I’ve had to alter my course at times. Improvement and growth always demand change. But it’s good change and we all benefit from it. Those changes, unlike the physical growth we see in our kids as they get taller and more mature, first begin in our brain. We change our mind. We decide we want or need to stop doing certain things. We decide we want to start doing other things. Before any action is taken we make up our mind that we want to take action.
Yesterday I saw a musician who I follow post about being 20 years sober. No alcohol. No drugs. For 20 years. That was a choice this musician made and in his post he urged his fellow musicians by saying if you don’t think you can play rock and roll and maintain sobriety, he was proof that it could be done. Over 20 years ago he changed his mind about drugs and alcohol and here he is, twenty years later, a better man because of it.
That’s getting it right.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
― Rumi (13th century Turkish poet)
I’ve changed my mind many times. About many different things.
Just this morning my son and I were talking about such things. I reflected with him how I’ve sometimes encountered people who readily say, “I’m dug in. I’m not going to change my mind.” I’m sad for such people because they’re intentionally refusing to learn, develop, learn, understand or grow. It’s such a foolish way to go, but it’s our life – we can do as we please.
Some weeks ago I did an episode about an ideal outcome that Rhonda and I have been thinking about for some time – an outcome that involves us planning to have a couple of short-term rental spaces, independent bedroom suites. Well, since I recorded that episode some things have changed that have caused us to change our mind. It’s just one illustration of how a change of heart (mind) can result in a change in what we most want to pursue. And that’s how it ought to be if we’re open to figuring out a better way, or a path that might serve us better.
And you know what?
Other people helped us figure that out. Funny how that works. Leaning on people we trust – people we know want our very best – can serve us unlike anything else. If only we’d open ourselves to forge relationships with people who are that safe for us.
I was reading one of the many research tomes about happiness. To be clear, I think happiness and the pursuit of it are highly overrated. Not because I want to be unhappy, but because happiness is so fleeting. I think a better outcome (goal) is peace and joy. But my view is likely biased because of my faith and belief in the Bible. The Bible speaks quite a lot about love, joy and peace – not happiness.
At any rate, this research was interesting to me – about happiness. One key barometer, per this study, of happiness was having at least one great friend. How do you the greatness of the friend? Somebody you could call at 3am. Whether it’s because you need help or you simply feel alone, a great friend is somebody you can call at 3am and they’ll answer.
Shockingly, some married folks answered that they had nobody – not a single person – they could call at 3am. And I’m thinking, “Not your husband or wife?” How sad is that?
I know such friends can be hard to find. And keep. But anybody who hasn’t got a friend like that should not sit idly by and accept that as “just how it’s got to be.” No, change your mind, then get busy changing that circumstance of your life. Firstly, be the 3am friend somebody else needs. Do that with enough folks and I guarantee you’ll cultivate somebody in your life who will be that person for you.
Change. Growth. Improvement.
It starts in our head (or heart). It progresses in how we behave. And how we behave determines who we truly are.
I’m disinterested in being somebody else, but I’m very interested in being a better version of myself. Always improving is my quest. Much of the time I fail. It’s my own fault. I’ve got nobody else to blame. This is my life and if I’m going to become a better person then it’s up to me to first decide, then – like my sober rockstar – to take action so it can become my reality.
Rinse and repeat. Because like his sobriety, our improvement is a daily discipline. Wisdom demands constant attention. Climbing the hill over and over and over again. Wisdom is never a once and done affair. Foolishness, like entropy, creeps into our life. It’s easy because neglect is easy. It’s easy to not make your bed. It’s easy to not vacuum or mop the floors. It’s easy to avoid mowing the grass, or shoveling the snow. It’s easy to neglect our health with our diet habits. The path of easy is the most destructive path we can choose, but resisting it is, well…hard. Self-deprivation is tough. We could ask the sober rockstar how tough it’s been and I’ll bet he’d tell us every day is a struggle. He’s also tell us it’s worth it.
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Some time ago I ran across this verse and in short order I wrote the title of today’s show: age, broken hearts and the getting of wisdom. I don’t agree with every sentiment expressed, but I found it interesting. What do you think about it?
What does it feel like to be old?The other day, a young person asked me: – What did it feel like to be old?I was very surprised by the question, since she did not consider me old.When he saw my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question.And after reflection, I concluded that getting old is a gift.Sometimes I am surprised at the person who lives in my mirror. But I don’t worry about those things for long.I wouldn’t trade everything I have for a few less gray hairs and a flat stomach.I don’t scold myself for not making the bed, or for eating a few extra “little things.”I am within my rights to be a little messy, to be extravagant, and to spend hours staring at my flowers.I have seen some dear friends leave this world, before they had enjoyed the freedom that comes with growing old.-Who cares if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4am and then sleep until who knows what time?I will dance with me to the rhythm of the 50’s and 60’s.And if later I want to cry for some lost love… I will.I’ll walk down the beach in a swimsuit that stretches over my plump body and dive into the waves letting myself go, despite the pitying looks of the bikini wearers.They’ll get old too, if they’re lucky…It is true that through the years my heart has ached for the loss of a loved one, for the pain of a child, or for seeing a pet die.But it is suffering that gives us strength and makes us grow.An unbroken heart is sterile and will never know the happiness of being imperfect.I am proud to have lived long enough for my hair to turn gray and to retain the smile of my youth, before the deep furrows appeared on my face.Now, to answer the question honestly, I can say: – I like being old, because old age makes me wiser, freer!I know I’m not going to live forever, but while I’m here, I’m going to live by my own laws, those of my heart.I’m not going to regret what wasn’t, nor worry about what will be.The time that remains, I will simply love life as I did until today, the rest I leave to God.
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“Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great.” – Mark Twain
People under 40 tend to think that as you get older your ambitions wane. I was once 40 and I thought the same thing. Until I grew older and hit 50. Then I hit 60. And my ambitions changed, but if anything, they intensified. Then I hit 65 and the intensity had grown even more intense. Compared to my younger ambitions, while very different, my current ambitions are much more focused. My resolve is far deeper than it was when I was younger.
There are many reasons for that, I suppose. Not the least of which is the realization that time is moving quickly through the hourglass of life. “If not now, when?” is a question rolling around in many older, gray (or bald) heads.
“Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work, one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Ambition is hard, but lack of ambition is harder.
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller
Pain. Struggle. Sorrow. Adversity.
Everybody experiences these things. Daily. If you don’t think so, it’s only because you don’t know. And I don’t either. Mostly, we’re quite consumed with our problems. We notice others when their problems seem heavier than ours.
The lessons of life (and wisdom) are taught to us through all these difficulties. For some, it crushed dreams and ambitions. For others, it fuels them, causing them to grow even larger. I wish I fully understand why some of us choose to surrender and others of us choose to fight even harder. I could likely help many more people if only I could solve that riddle, but I’m not smart enough to figure it out. I only know that each of us has a choice to make when trouble comes. We can hide (like cattle) or we can run directly into the battle and fight (like buffalo).
“Our ambition should be to rule ourselves, the true kingdom for each one of us; and true progress is to know more, and be more, and to do more.” – Oscar Wilde
It’s a tall, tall order to keep ourselves on a short, short leash. Self-control. Restraint. Temperance. Self-discipline. These are hard, but possible things. You’ve got the power over yourself just like I’ve got the power over myself. “I can’t help myself,” is what fools say because it’s completely inaccurate. It’s an excuse. It’s a statement of surrender where people basically declare, “I’ve decided to be a victim.”
I don’t know how old you are, or all the stuff you may be battling. And I don’t know all the opportunities you can see – much less the ones you can’t. We’ve all got unseen opportunities.
I once considered 40 old. Funny how it morphs over time. As we grow older, our definition of old keeps moving.
With decades of experience in fighting dragons, I’ve got different ambitions than I once had. Things that seemed important then – and honestly, they were important – are no longer as important, if at all. Part of that is growth and increased wisdom. Part of it is circumstance. When you’ve got small children you’re pursuing some things. When the kids are in high school, approaching college…you’re chasing something very different. When the kids leave home, get married and start having kids of their own, it changes even more. And with those changes in situations and circumstances come drastic changes in ambition. For me, they haven’t lessened, but they’ve changed.
Here are my financial ambition-fueled terms: sustainable, predictable, reliable, modest, practical, and probable.
Turns out almost all my ambitions could be described using those same terms.
It wasn’t always that way. Not in my 20s, 30s or even 40s. And largely, not even in my 50s.
But let’s address something you may have experienced similar to me – times when ambition was simply to survive. To just get through the present storm. It’s less about chasing sunshine, but more about getting out from under the hail storm.
Here in north central Texas we get thunderstorms. In fact, we’re having one as I prepare for this episode. Thunder. Wind. Rain.
I’m not thinking about sunshine at this moment. I’m thinking “here’s another thunderstorm” and wondering how long it might last. I’m inside and safe, but I’m selling one of our cars. I just listed it last night and now I’ve got to figure out when to book appointments for people to come see it. I don’t want to do that until this storm passes. My ambition isn’t centered around sunshine, but around letting this storm (and rain) pass first. If I weren’t selling a car, I’d likely embrace this storm though ’cause I rather like a good storm every now and again.
Just today I saw this headline – When older couples break up, it’s not always about conflict. There’s something else going on.
I only paid attention to it because I’m older…and we’re an older couple. No risk of us breaking up, but I was curious. And it speaks to the ambitions we may or may lack in our most sacred relationships – our marriages.
The article says…
“Oftentimes, what we see among retirees is that it’s typically not about conflict,” said Galena Rhoades, Ph.D., a research professor in the University of Denver’s psychology department. “The reason for divorce is lack of positives.”
Older couples, by contrast, tend to confront different challenges. With their kids grown up, they may struggle to reestablish their identities as independent from their role as parents. Shifting into retirement mode can also throw a wrench into the relationship.
“There’s a link between transition and distress,” Rhoades said. “Going through any stressful event or change, like retirement, means changes in how couples interact with each other.”
For older couples facing a malaise, there are ever-evolving alternatives to divorce. Opportunities to redefine the relationship abound.
My ambition in my marriage has no expiration date. If anything, I’m way more ambitious today than ever. For some simple, but profound reasons.
- I cherish my wife more than ever. That’s not new, but it has certainly deepened over time.
- Faith and love have grown…as we’ve both grown older, together. We made vows to each other before God, and we have a clear understanding of God’s demands for marriage. After all, He instituted it. One man, one woman, together for life. That’s our conviction and our commitment.
- I said it in the episode about strong men, but it bears repeating because of social media. I put my wife on a pedestal – sometimes not as well as I should, or as well as she deserves – but I have never put her on display.
- We are the most important people in the world to each other. We love our family, but our number 1 priority is each other. It’s necessarily so and we want it to be that way for our tribe. We don’t want to be our son’s most important people. That should be (and is), his wife. Love isn’t a competition. There’s enough to go around. It’s a matter of priority though and devotion, based on that priority.
- If it is to be, it’s up to US. Rhonda and I are the architects of our marriage and our life together. Incorporated into that is our individual life. I don’t decide for her. She doesn’t decide for me. However, each of us owes the other due consideration for how our choices impact both of us. Life isn’t a self-centered ordeal. We’re in this together. All the time!
Time can dampen or fuel an ambition, but the best ambitions don’t expire. Ambitions like having a great marriage! Or helping the people you love. Or leaning toward wisdom!
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Happy New Years!
This is a bonus episode. I wasn’t sure if I’d release it or not, but why not? I hope it serves to inspire you to dream your own dreams. And better yet, to pursue them so you can make them your reality. Thank you for listening. -Randy
I’ve already introduced you to one woman, Re, my maternal grandmother. The second woman I’ve not yet talked about, is Nelda, my mother-in-law. Nelda passed away from breast cancer when she was only 42. Rhonda and I were in our first year of marriage so my exposure to Nelda was limited to the few years I dated Rhonda and that single year of our married life. Rhonda was Nelda’s firstborn. Five more would follow. At the time of her death, there were still children at home.
My perspective of Nelda, while limited, now consists of being the husband to her daughter. I suspect Rhonda has qualities like her mom. For starters, her mother always seemed strong and resilient. Her daughter, my wife, is. Nelda’s spiritual fortitude heavily influenced the family. When Rhonda was a little girl Nelda went looking for a spiritual environment in which to raise her children. She found the truth found only in scripture. Had she not done that, I would have never met Rhonda – because we met at church.
When I began dreaming about Re’s Retreat – I told you about that idea back in this episode. I told Rhonda about it, but I also told her I had her mother in mind and that my ideal outcome would be to also create another space named after her mother, Nelda’s Nest.
We’d daydream about it. We’d make notes. We’d share ideas – house ideas, decorating ideas.
The idea for some short-term rental spaces didn’t start with the 2 women who were important in our lives, but they quickly entered the picture for me. And I held to the notion that I only wanted to create awesome, comfortable spaces for couples because that’s what I knew. Rhonda and I had experienced a variety of spaces so we had firsthand knowledge of what we liked, what we disliked, what we wish we could find, and more. While we’re not qualified to speak for everybody – and certainly our preferences may not be everybody’s preferences – we felt like we knew what would work. Namely, what would likely work better!
The memories and influences of two important women put pressure on us to get it right.
I define wisdom very simply as getting it right in real-time. That’s our daily prayer…that we’ll make wise decisions.
We’ve always felt the appropriate pressure to get decisions right, but it’s more intense now that we’re older. I’ve likened it to landing a plane, the metaphor for achieving our next goals. At our age, the runway is shorter so we have to really hit our mark. There’s little room for error. That advice we always gave the kids, “Don’t make a mistake from which you can’t recover,” reverberates. We may not have time to recover so it’s urgent and important that we get it right in real-time!
The dream began a few years ago as we contemplated turning 65. Not because of retirement, but because that’s when you must register for Medicare health insurance coverage (without any penalty – apply for it outside your initial enrollment period and you’ll pay more). It’s an important mile marker that was fast approaching, but it was just one of many mile markers.
Cognitive decline is a fact of life. I read an article published online on the National Library of Medicine website entitled, “When does age-related cognitive decline begin?”
I’m not a physician so I wasn’t able to understand all of it, but it confirmed some things I already knew to be true from my observations. While I’m 15 years past 50 I still feel like I’m mostly in good shape cognitively. Of course, I could be nuts. How would I know?
I’ve seen older men in my life display cognitive decline that was most noticeable to me as they reached 80. To be fair, I’ve not lived with them so my judgment isn’t based on being around them 24/7. Stats don’t address how individual such things occur. We’re all different.
I could be completely out of my mind before the end of the year. I hope not. But there are no guarantees.
I’m playing the odds. I’m praying and dreaming. Dreaming preceded planning. It always does.
People grow old. Circumstances change because of age. Health. Finances. Relationships. It can all change and not all that change is bad. Some years ago I felt compelled to prepare, knowing that my preparation wouldn’t be able to consider every outcome. Still, preparing beats avoiding it. That whole be a buffalo thing – avoid hiding. I didn’t want to hide from this.
Okay, what do the memories of two women have to do with the dream?
Everything. They represent our dream which is driving our preparation.
The genesis of the dream was our short-term rental experiences. Some of the places we stayed, including some of our favorite places, had names given to them by the owners. Mostly, they were names meant to foster serenity or some other pleasant feeling. As a business guy that made sense. Good marketing and all that.
Four or five years ago I hadn’t yet thought of one day operating a short-term rental of my own. But as soon as we began to book places I started studying the space. Curiosity drove me to question our hosts about their entry into it and ask about their experiences. People were forthcoming and open to share. My interest was rising.
My business curiosity kicked up a notch. I dove into reading more, listening to podcasts, watching YouTube videos, and getting acquainted with people I trusted – folks who owned and operated their own short-term rental properties. As always, I was making notes and figuring things out.
True to my customer service fanatism, I took mental (and physical) notes of all our experiences noting details that I thought could be improved. The places we stayed were not built from the ground up. Mostly, they were adapted from existing spaces. And we never had a bad experience. Some were just better than others. A few details we dictated by the space and the location. For example, some more remote places lacked good Internet. Others did the best they could with the limited space available to them – but they were a bit cramped.
From the start, we knew we wanted to create a great experience for married couples…couples like us. But there’s a star of the show that plays a prominent role in all this, a place. A specific place! A place dominated by older, more mature people. A serene place attractive to those of us yearning for peace, tranquility, and slower-paced. Since we were the demographic of folks we dreamed of serving it became easier to dream with specificity. Details filled our dreams.
We created the bedroom suite and the rest of the space in our heads. Then we began to sketch it out on paper, listing the things we loved where stayed and the things we wished had been better. Quickly we realized that some of our gripes really didn’t cost much. They just required a more thoughtful approach. It was apparent to us that many of our hosts had never spent a night in their suite. And if they did, they weren’t noticing things that stood out quite clearly for us.
Then we began to assess whether any of these things were detrimental. For example, as inexpensive as large TVs are, why have a 32″ TV when you could have opted for a 55″ or larger? Any downside to providing guests with a larger set? None we could think of. The worst-case scenario is they never turn it on. Okay, so what?
Rather than the smallest microwave possible – one where you could barely squeeze a full-sized plate inside…why not opt for a bigger, nicer unit? Again, not that much money is involved in these choices.
Seating is important. One of our favorite places has a nice small den-type area (which has a big TV), but some of the seating they have in place will give you a backache within a few minutes because the back of the sofa forces your shoulders forward putting pressure on your lower back. During our first stay, I moved it out of the way and in its place, I slide over a nearby recliner that was much more comfortable. After that, every time we entered the place in future stays, I’d rearrange the furniture so I could avoid backaches. Yes, before leaving I always moved things back.
Noise is important. Well, actually, quiet is important. During the night you can hear things you may not pay attention to during waking hours. No TV sound. No conversation. Silence. Except for that refrigerator that hums like a drone flying overhead. Or a wall clock with mechanical ticking. Again, it seemed obvious the hosts had never spent a night here…and if they did, they must have worn earplugs. Me? I use a white noise app on my phone going through a Bluetooth speaker. I’ll use that no matter what, but it’s mandatory when the room is filled with racket.
At night, when you turn off the lights, the lights around the room matter. Especially LED lights. I’m the guy who carries a roll of black electrical tape. In some places, I’m guilty of taping over dozens of little lights that stay illuminated. Those power strips that have an ON light. The AC unit that has multiple lights and displays. The USB ports with lights. The router or connectivity hubs. The microwave oven clock. The air filter. The wall switch that operates the ceiling fan. The TV that has a red LED that turns on when the TV is off (that was a brilliant design).
Turn out all the lights. Get the room dark. Now look around at all the little lights in the room. When you’re a super light sleeper who battles insomnia, it’s not a recipe for a restful night. Night lights in the bathroom are helpful because you’re in a place you’re not used to. So when you get up in the middle of the night, muscle memory kicks in. Without that bathroom night light you might find yourself nose first into a wall because you forgot you weren’t home.
None of these things takes a bunch of money. A bigger TV might involve a couple of hundred bucks. A bigger microwave may involve an extra $50. The rest of it is just thoughtfulness and figuring out how to better manage the space.
We’ve now got a few years’ worth of these kinds of notes. And we’re still in the dreaming phase.
The overall dream is fueled because of that age thing – our growing older. That whole cognitive decline possibility and whatever else may befall us. Daily I pray and concern myself (to some degree) with self-sufficiency and not being burdensome to anybody. Firstly, to not be burdensome to Rhonda. Secondly, to the rest of the family. Thirdly, to anybody else! A big part of this dream is to generate income via short-term rental so we can cash flow our next chapter and memorialize these two women we loved, and provide a memorable experience for people – just like the best experiences we’ve been afforded by many of our hosts! Additionally (this is important) so we can have some spaces we can provide to friends and family when the spaces aren’t generating some income. Sharing matters.
For about four years we’ve lived with the dream while studying, researching, and learning. Doing our best to figure it out so we can minimize learning on the job, which we know we’ll have to do. We just don’t want to learn everything on the job.
About a year ago we migrated to the planning phase, which still incorporates the dreaming phase, but now we were thinking of how not just what. How can we accomplish these dreams? What will it take to do this?
Along the way, there was plenty of, “Do we want to do this?” It wasn’t always so cut and dried. So we gave ourselves time to wrestle with it a bit and see if we could pin it down. We’re still working on it taking it one step at a time.
Right now – as I hit record – we’re working to assemble the resources for the next chapter of our lives. I’m not sure which iteration we’re on, but it ain’t plan A.
John Mullins and Randy Komisar wrote a book back in 2009 entitled Getting to Plan B: Breaking Through to a Better Business Model. While the context is business, it has a broader application. We have all kinds of plans in our life. Some argue that we ought to burn the boats, a metaphor for going forward with your plan and destroying any opportunity to go back. That’s ridiculously stupid advice because as the authors of that book point out, traction and momentum often don’t happen until you get much further down the line of altering the plan.
Think about it. Here you are with your plan A. Now you take a step, your first. Do you know more now than you did one step ago? Probably. Are you going to learn or ignore what you learn? I think of those freestyle rock climbers. You know, those crazy folks who climb with nothing more than their hands and a bag of chalk. No ropes. No safety harnesses. They make one move on the face of a mountain. Their very next move is going to be based on what they know now. Sure they’ve mapped out a course. They have a plan. But plans change based on new information. If not, we’re idiots!
We’ve taken steps toward our dream, but all those steps are focused on just one thing – readying ourselves for the actual execution of our plans to build two short-term rental suites on the same property where we live. That’s the dream. The plan. The ideal outcome. We’ve mapped out very specific ideas and committed them to paper. Are they realistic? We think so, but we’re not 100% sure. What we are 100% sure about is that our current plans will likely change. And more than once. But that’s part of the fun. I call it plan M because there are 26 letters in the alphabet and M is smack dab in the middle. We might hit it on plan D. Or it might be plan Y. Lord willing, we’ll execute some plan. Perhaps it’ll be vastly different than what we have in mind. We’ll just have to keep moving forward to find out.
Right now, the plan is going according to plan. We’re architecting the next stage of the process. It began with ridding ourselves of unnecessary things. Then it moved to assemble resources so we could fund the goal. That’s the step we’re currently in. Counting the cost, marshaling resources – that’s where we are right now. From there we’ll have a more clear idea of what to do next.
Hopefully, sharing our journey is helpful as you create your own journey.
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So long 2022. I hated much of my time with you!
“I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.” —Anonymous
My hatred for this year – okay, that’s an exaggeration, but only a minor one – is coupled with my love for the challenges that came with it. Challenges provide growth. I wish it weren’t so. I’d much rather learn from calm, tranquil success.
Today’s headline is pure snark because few years have received the effort put forth to make 2022 a decent year. I was never aiming for more. Maybe there’s a lesson for me. I should have aimed higher and expected more. But I didn’t. And the year didn’t measure up. It couldn’t even hit the decent mark…so it felt like a bit of success to have avoided aiming for anything higher.
2022 was a great year for some of you. An awful year for others of you. For me, it was just so-so. Another take-it-or leave-it year. Mostly, a leave it year.
But that sounds too depressing and too negative. Besides, I’m leaning hard into sarcasm and snarkiness since this is the last episode of the year.
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“A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.” ― Hunter S. Thompson, The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967
Reinvention.
It seems an odd word when applied to us, to our lives – to who we are or who we hope to become.
He tells me he’d like to reinvent himself. Oh, okay. I wonder what he means so I ask a few questions hoping to understand. “Into what?” I ask. We laugh, but it’s a serious question, even if the tone is lighthearted. He pauses and I continue the snarkiness with, “Something better I hope!” More chuckles.
“Really, tell me what you’re thinking,” I ask.
For the next few minutes, all I hear is about the past with a bit of the present sprinkled in. Mostly things I already know. But they’ve got a familiar ring to them. They sound like…excuses. They sound like a front, a cover story.
Being the Hunter S. Thompson fan that I am, I thought of that line Hunter wrote long ago. “A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.”
When he comes up for air, through the reciting of excuses, I ask, “What’s stopping you?” Acting as though he didn’t hear me, he says, “Sorry?” So I repeat it, “What’s stopping you? What’s stopping you from this reinvention?”
Experience had taught me he’d likely go down one of two paths. One, he’d be bold and answer. Not many people do that. Two, he’d wind up with more excuses. That’s the course he took. I wasn’t shocked.
After a few more minutes even he seemed exhausted with making up excuses and crafting a cover story to hide why he wasn’t yet choosing to do something about this life he himself had built. The not-so-surprising thing is, like all the rest of us, he was vocalizing the many reasons why life had imposed on him circumstances and brought him to this point in life where he wasn’t satisfied, much less happy. It was all these influences on him that were prompting him to desire a change, a “reinvention” as he called it.
I’m not completely impatient when it comes to history or looking at our past because I realize the value in understanding it well enough to know why we may have learned what we’ve learned. I also know that deep down, most of us are the 11-year-old version of ourselves. Stuck in time, not because of hard wiring, but because of choice. I see it almost every day.
She grew up with hardly enough to eat. Now, as a mom, she’s fixated on making sure her kids eat even more than they’d like because she’s remembering her own childhood hunger. Well, her kids aren’t her and intellectually, she knows that but she’s unable to forget her own experiences and it provokes her to battle an enemy – hunger – that her kids don’t even face!
That was then. This is now.
I had a history professor inform us how history just keeps on being produced. We never get ahead of it. It’s a conveyor belt of events and people that just never stops. Our lives are the same way. Whatever your history is matters, but how much? I mean, this woman hasn’t been hungry for years. And it has no bearing on things today, except that it’s so imprinted into her she won’t let it go! Heavy emphasis on won’t, not can’t. Besides, if hunger does ever reoccur, stuffing oneself right now won’t eliminate that.
So Mr. I Want To Reinvent Myself is going on and on about things that have already happened. They matter, but again, the question I have is, “How much?” So I ask him. “How much does any of that matter?”
More “here’s my story and I’m sticking with it” ensues.
It’s now time to use his own language against him for his own good.
“Well, if you want to reinvent yourself then doesn’t that mean you invented yourself to begin with?” This ain’t my first rodeo in a conversation like this.
He leans his head back, putting his chin in the air. Takes a big inhale through his nostrils, then slowly exhales. By the time his chest goes in from the exhale he has realized the corner he’s put himself into. Now trapped in the story he himself told, including the cover story he crafted to make himself look better than he really is – something we all do, by the way – he’s realizing he’s go nowhere to hide. These are glorious moments for me because these are the corners where the magic happens. The corners where all our excuses are eliminated and we’re left alone in the corner staring into a mirror where at long last – for some, the first time ever – we learn that this is OUR life and we’ve made it what it is up to this point…and whatever improvements we want to now make…they’re completely up to US. Nobody else had a vote. We’re a one-person government with only a single vote. When we realize that we alone cast that vote, it’s a powerful realization.
So I look at him. I say nothing. I just let him process this moment as he grows more comfortable being in this corner. I suspect he’s not been here before because few have. Most enjoy what he’s been enjoying – telling the story of how they came to be in this spot. Telling the cover story of why things aren’t better. Telling the story that makes them look like a hero even deep down they know they’re a coward, unwilling to face whatever challenges have long stood in their way. Berating themselves while crowing about themselves in hopes others won’t find out. This is the stuff of all our lives. For some though, it’s a way of life. For others, it’s moments here and moments there.
“Have you been putting off this choice?” I inquire. “Have you been making excuses for why you haven’t created the life you now say you want?”
He stares at me. At first, I’m not quite sure if he’s getting angry with me or himself. Quickly, it’s obvious. He’s angry that he’s not seen this before. I can just tell.
“It’s okay. We see it when we see it. We learn it when we learn it. The good news is that now that you’ve learned it, you can move forward.”
“I’m an idiot,” he says. It’s a common refrain when we see something we’ve not seen before – especially when it’s something in ourselves.
“You’re hardly an idiot. You’re human. You’ve got baggage. You’ve got experience. It’s the Matrix that we’re all living in. Some of us have the courage to look at ourselves enough to see what you’re now seeing – we created this life for ourselves. All of it. We invented this reality so we can reinvent it. It’s great news!”
As we continue to talk I impress on him the man he is today versus the younger man he was when he first invented himself. He’s better educated. He’s got a family that he loves and who loves him. He’s got a career. His life isn’t bad even if it’s not the one he most wants. Yet. I remind him that the idiot he may feel he is is more likely the idiot who he once was and THAT idiot didn’t do such a bad job. “Imagine what this idiot can do,” I jokingly challenge him.
It’s always true. All those choices I made when I was a kid growing up formed my life. I’m not minimizing the influences – they matter greatly. But they don’t matter more than my own power of choice. That’s why you can find kids who grew up in awful circumstances emerge victorious in being great humans…while others who seemed to have every advantage may grow up as miserable people. We get to decide for ourselves. Influences and circumstances can help. Or not.
If I take a look at my life right now I know that the person who crafted this life didn’t know nearly as much as I know today. Didn’t have near as much experience and know-how as I do today. Didn’t have as much wisdom as I have today. Didn’t have many of the advantages that I have today. So am I to believe that today I’m less powerful to craft an improved life – to reinvent myself TODAY?
Rubbish.
I’m so much more qualified to make a decision today. I’d argue that I’ve never been better. I’ve never known this much, had this much experience, or insight or wisdom.
But that doesn’t mean I’ve got more courage. The courage required to make a different – a better – choice!
That’s the hard work required of going into the corner. To stop being foolish with our cover story and excuses. To figure out how we can now, at long last, face our dragons knowing that we can slay them…because we can.
The dragons are those inside our heads, the ones convincing us it’s not our fault or responsibility. The ones that convince us others have done this to us. Or that life and circumstances have. It’s all that self-talk that we listen to and believe. We have the power over those dragons.
The dragons are those circumstances Hunter mentioned. The ones that’ll decide for us if we refuse. Or put it off. Life will happen no matter what we do. But even those dragons have less power over us when we understand that they simply require of us another decision. Namely just one decision, “Okay, now what?”
It’s funny to me how all of us – me included – can fixate on who or what is to blame. Mostly, deflecting so it doesn’t appear that we’re to blame. Like those suspects in a police interrogation room who try desperately to distance themselves from the crime, we know we’re more culpable than we’d like to admit. So we don’t admit it. That’s why those cover stories matter. And we can become skillful at crafting what seem to us to be great cover stories. The problem is, the better they are the more believable they are to others – but more importantly, the more we genuinely believe them. Never mind that they’re total lies. And we know it. Or did we did when we first started telling them, but maybe now, over time and having repeated them enough, we believe them. That’s horrifically damaging. When we delude ourselves because we’re believing our own lies about ourselves.
We can learn optimism. We can also learn helplessness.
Urging people – including ourselves – to avoid fear is empty advice. We’re all afraid. Fear is real. Even if it’s only imagined.
Sometimes we need somebody to help us. To serve us the way Ceaser, the Dog Whisperer, serves those ill-behaved dogs. He gently, but firmly makes a movement with one hand on the dog’s throat. A biting action done with his hands. It’s the attention-getter that distracts the dog, even momentarily, from the bad behavior. It takes the dog mind off of what they doing. It’s like the joke we make with friends who hurt themselves mildly, like hitting your finger with a hammer. “Here, let me hit you in your foot, it’ll take your mind off it.” The joke may be on us. It’s true. Sometimes the remedy is to get our mind of it. But how?
By not thinking at all. By doing. By making a choice and getting on with it.
I want to drop another 20 pounds. I’m about that far from what I think may be my ideal weight. I’m not deluded. It’s based mostly on my own sense of self and what my doctor also suggests. I can strategize about it. I can think about it. Then think about some more. But none of that is going to help me lose the 20 pounds. You know what will work?
Making up my mind, then beginning. Right now. Doing it. That’s what’ll work.
It’s true of weight-loss or anything else. It’s not more knowledge. It’s not more time to ponder it. It’s not some new, creative strategy. It’s not reading a book about how to do it. Or taking some course. Or paying some subscription service that has some tricks or recipes. It’s me deciding to get on with it.
Because here’s what’s going to happen when I do that. I’m going to figure it out as I go and I’ll drop the weight. And if I keep my mind made up, I’ll keep it off. Nothing will stop me ’cause I won’t let it.
And in doing all that I’ll be reinventing – or rewriting part of my story. I’ll be accepting responsibility for my own weight-loss outcome. I’ll happily look in the mirror when I mess up and declare, “That’s on me. I choose to slip up.” Then I can make a new decision on “now what?”
Or…
I can spend the new months pining about how I can’t believe life did this to me. I can fret and excuse every poor fitness I make while laying it at the feet of anybody and everything I can. I can surround myself with people who will listen to my excuses and believe them. People who will help make me feel better by telling me how I really don’t need to lose weight. “You look great just the way you are!”
And I can keep on being exactly who I am and what I am. Never changing. Never growing. Never improving. But miserable.
I get to decide.
So do you.
Happy Holidays!
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A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.
-Winston Churchill
I must not be a fanatic.
Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
-George Bernard Shaw
I grew up mostly thinking that change meant the potential for improvement and growth. Sometimes I was disappointed, but not always. Turns out life sometimes disappoints, but not always. So change isn’t that unique.
Some people take a stand against change declaring how much they hate it. They prefer sameness and predictability. It’s comforting.
Then some love change because they’re quickly bored with sameness. They prefer spontaneity, and like things to be more unpredictable.
I don’t feel like I fit into either category because there must be shades of grey between these two extremes. For starters, I rather object to change for the sake of change – except when it comes to moving furniture around. I kinda prefer to have a reason behind the changes I want to make – I want the change at least to have a good shot at being an improvement. I’m more interested in things being better, not just different!
In that regard, everything is subject to change, even if it’s only my ability to understand it more clearly. It doesn’t mean things like absolute facts or truth change, but my view of them certainly can. And sometimes, it should…because sometimes I have things wrong. It’s not the facts or truth that need to change, but ME.
I started pondering how culture increasingly seems fixated on changing everything other than ourselves. When we don’t like something or agree with something, it’s less about us changing our viewpoint or increasing our understanding – but instead, it’s about doing whatever we can to impose altering the externals.
When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.
-Viktor E. Frankl
The problem is that sometimes the situation isn’t the problem. We are.
For a long time, I’ve been interested in the impact prescription opioids have on the human brain. Young. Old. Men. Women. It doesn’t seem to matter. I’ve talked with older people in their 80s who have a family member (also in their 80s) and they describe the behavior of their loved one exactly the same as those in their 30s describe a much younger man. “They’re behaving like a teenager with a rebellious streak. Selfish. Blaming everybody else.” It doesn’t seem to matter if they’re a young man or an old woman. The opioid user has little or no awareness. It’s just not how they see things. Or themselves.
Rarely have I encountered somebody suffering chronic pain, under the care of a pain management doctor, who found their way out of the opioid abyss, but once in a while, I run into them. Their story is also universal. “I can’t believe that was me,” they’ll say. They rehearse all the awful things they did, all the damage their addiction caused, and with guilt written all over their face, they’ll remark how unbelievable it is that they couldn’t see themselves as they truly were.
It was everybody else. It wasn’t them.
Culture and society make that same declaration every single day. I grew up hearing about “Johnny” and how everybody is out of step except “Johnny.” Truth is, Johnny is the problem, not everybody else. But like the emperor with no clothes, Johnny has no clue.
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The Emperor’s New Clothes by Hans Christian Andersen
Many years ago there was an Emperor so exceedingly fond of new clothes that he spent all his money on being well dressed. He cared nothing about reviewing his soldiers, going to the theatre, or going for a ride in his carriage, except to show off his new clothes. He had a coat for every hour of the day, and instead of saying, as one might, about any other ruler, “The King’s in council,” here they always said. “The Emperor’s in his dressing room.”
In the great city where he lived, life was always gay. Every day many strangers came to town, and among them one day came two swindlers. They let it be known they were weavers, and they said they could weave the most magnificent fabrics imaginable. Not only were their colors and patterns uncommonly fine, but clothes made of this cloth had a wonderful way of becoming invisible to anyone who was unfit for his office, or who was unusually stupid.
“Those would be just the clothes for me,” thought the Emperor. “If I wore them I would be able to discover which men in my empire are unfit for their posts. And I could tell the wise men from the fools. Yes, I certainly must get some of the stuff woven for me right away.” He paid the two swindlers a large sum of money to start work at once.
They set up two looms and pretended to weave, though there was nothing on the looms. All the finest silk and the purest old thread which they demanded went into their traveling bags, while they worked the empty looms far into the night.
“I’d like to know how those weavers are getting on with the cloth,” the Emperor thought, but he felt slightly uncomfortable when he remembered that those who were unfit for their position would not be able to see the fabric. It couldn’t have been that he doubted himself, yet he thought he’d rather send someone else to see how things were going. The whole town knew about the cloth’s peculiar power, and all were impatient to find out how stupid their neighbors were.
“I’ll send my honest old minister to the weavers,” the Emperor decided. “He’ll be the best one to tell me how the material looks, for he’s a sensible man and no one does his duty better.”
So the honest old minister went to the room where the two swindlers sat working away at their empty looms.
“Heaven help me,” he thought as his eyes flew wide open, “I can’t see anything at all”. But he did not say so.
Both the swindlers begged him to be so kind as to come near to approve the excellent pattern, the beautiful colors. They pointed to the empty looms, and the poor old minister stared as hard as he dared. He couldn’t see anything, because there was nothing to see. “Heaven have mercy,” he thought. “Can it be that I’m a fool? I’d have never guessed it, and not a soul must know. Am I unfit to be the minister? It would never do to let on that I can’t see the cloth.”
“Don’t hesitate to tell us what you think of it,” said one of the weavers.
“Oh, it’s beautiful -it’s enchanting.” The old minister peered through his spectacles. “Such a pattern, what colors!” I’ll be sure to tell the Emperor how delighted I am with it.”
“We’re pleased to hear that,” the swindlers said. They proceeded to name all the colors and explain the intricate pattern. The old minister paid the closest attention so that he could tell it all to the Emperor. And so he did.
The swindlers at once asked for more money, more silk and gold thread, to get on with the weaving. But it all went into their pockets. Not a thread went into the looms, though they worked at their weaving as hard as ever.
The Emperor presently sent another trustworthy official to see how the work progressed and how soon it would be ready. The same thing happened to him that had happened to the minister. He looked and he looked, but as there was nothing to see in the looms he couldn’t see anything.
“Isn’t it a beautiful piece of goods?” the swindlers asked him, as they displayed and described their imaginary pattern.
“I know I’m not stupid,” the man thought, “so it must be that I’m unworthy of my good office. That’s strange. I mustn’t let anyone find it out, though.” So he praised the material he did not see. He declared he was delighted with the beautiful colors and the exquisite pattern. To the Emperor, he said, “It held me spellbound.”
All the town was talking of this splendid cloth, and the Emperor wanted to see it for himself while it was still in the looms. Attended by a band of chosen men, among whom were his two old trusted officials-the ones who had been to the weavers-he set out to see the two swindlers. He found them weaving with might and main, but without a thread in their looms.
“Magnificent,” said the two officials already duped. “Just look, Your Majesty, what colors! What a design!” They pointed to the empty looms, each supposing that the others could see the stuff.
“What’s this?” thought the Emperor. “I can’t see anything. This is terrible!
Am I a fool? Am I unfit to be the Emperor? What a thing to happen to me of all people! – Oh! It’s very pretty,” he said. “It has my highest approval.” And he nodded approbation at the empty loom. Nothing could make him say that he couldn’t see anything.
His whole retinue stared and stared. One saw no more than another, but they all joined the Emperor in exclaiming, “Oh! It’s very pretty,” and they advised him to wear clothes made of this wonderful cloth, especially for the great procession he was soon to lead. “Magnificent! Excellent! Unsurpassed!” were bandied from mouth to mouth, and everyone did his best to seem well pleased. The Emperor gave each of the swindlers a cross to wear in his buttonhole, and the title of “Sir Weaver.”
Before the procession the swindlers sat up all night and burned more than six candles, to show how busy they were finishing the Emperor’s new clothes. They pretended to take the cloth off the loom. They made cuts in the air with huge scissors. And at last, they said, “Now the Emperor’s new clothes are ready for him.”
Then the Emperor himself came with his noblest noblemen, and the swindlers each raised an arm as if they were holding something. They said, “These are the trousers, here’s the coat, and this is the mantle,” naming each garment. “All of them are as light as a spider web. One would almost think he had nothing on, but that’s what makes them so fine.”
“Exactly,” all the noblemen agreed, though they could see nothing, for there was nothing to see.
“If Your Imperial Majesty will condescend to take your clothes off,” said the swindlers, “we will help you on with your new ones here in front of the long mirror.”
The Emperor undressed, and the swindlers pretended to put his new clothes on him, one garment after another. They took him around the waist and seemed to be fastening something – that was his train-as the Emperor turned round and round before the looking glass.
“How well Your Majesty’s new clothes look. Aren’t they becoming!” He heard on all sides, “That pattern, so perfect! Those colors, so suitable! It is a magnificent outfit.”
Then the minister of public processions announced: “Your Majesty’s canopy is waiting outside.”
“Well, I’m supposed to be ready,” the Emperor said and turned again for one last look in the mirror. “It is a remarkable fit, isn’t it?” He seemed to regard his costume with the greatest interest.
The noblemen who were to carry his train stooped low and reached for the floor as if they were picking up his mantle. Then they pretended to lift and hold it high. They didn’t dare admit they had nothing to hold.
So off went the Emperor in procession under his splendid canopy. Everyone in the streets and the windows said, “Oh, how fine are the Emperor’s new clothes! Don’t they fit him to perfection? And see his long train!” Nobody would confess that he couldn’t see anything, for that would prove him either unfit for his position, or a fool. No costume the Emperor had worn before was ever such a complete success.
“But he hasn’t got anything on,” a little child said.
“Did you ever hear such innocent prattle?” said its father. And one person whispered to another what the child had said, “He hasn’t anything on. A child says he hasn’t anything on.”
“But he hasn’t got anything on!” the whole town cried out at last.
The Emperor shivered, for he suspected they were right. But he thought, “This procession has got to go on.” So he walked more proudly than ever, as his noblemen held high the train that wasn’t there at all.
—————————————–
Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.
-John F. Kennedy
Lack of self-awareness. Self-deception. Selfishness. These are our enemies that can require the help of others, but only if we’re willing to change ourselves! There’s the rub.
Willingness to change ourselves.
If you’re at the height of your personal growth you can click that STOP button right now. No need to listen any further. Instead, get yourself a microphone and start a podcast to share how you were able to get it done!
Okay, for the rest of us who are still trying our best to figure things out – and aspiring to reach new heights of personal achievement – let’s see if we can wrestle some things to the ground and choke them out. I’m betting we can if we increase our willingness and resolve.
Growth and improvement don’t always mean dramatic alterations. In fact, quite often they’re very subtle, like the extension of an imaginary line altered by a mere few degrees. The further out we extend the line, the wider the gap in where it ends up versus where it was initially headed. So too with our lives when we alter a decision or action by just a little bit.
I’m currently on a trajectory toward this encore phase of life with some very specific outcomes in mind. I’m doing everything in my power to achieve those ideal outcomes. However, I realize things may not line up to allow me that ideal outcome. Does that mean I’m going to stubbornly refuse to change those outcomes? Well, I could, but that’s not how I’m going to roll. I decided long ago that my ideal outcomes are very subject to change. I’ve got an outcome that is supremely ideal – it’s what I would most love to have happen. It’s what I’m working to make happen. But what if time and new information arrive to cause me to question that? What if I change my mind and make a different decision?
This is the big reason why I fixate on the “what’s next?” question. Let’s figure out our next step – just one – then let’s look around and see what we learned in taking that first step. From there we can figure out our next step because it may look different from the second step we initially planned. Or it may not. But there’s little point in making that decision until we must.
Right now, I’m in the throes of the first step. Until I complete that step I’m going to make plans for what I think my second step will be, but this first one is so critical it may alter things. Things are subject to change and the change will translate into what I hope will be increasingly better decisions. That’s kinda the point, right? To keep getting better and to keep making better choices!
“I won’t change for anybody.”
Not even for yourself?
Not even when there’s evidence that as Sheryl Crow sings, “A change would do you good?”
Early in my career, I discovered Herb Cohen, a master negotiator. Herb wrote a book, You Can Negotiate Anything. Part of what I learned by reading Herb was to avoid being fooled into a bad deal simply because you had invested so much time in trying to make a deal. It used to be a common ploy among car dealers. To get shoppers to invest so much time in the dealership trying to buy a car that they’d accept a deal mostly favorable for the dealership. “Man, we’ve been here two hours already, let’s just get this deal done!”
Sometimes we do that to ourselves. We sabotage our own lives by our refusal to change something because we’ve been so committed to it for so long. The more you stop and think about that, the stupider it gets. More time isn’t always the answer any more than hitting it harder is wise advice when armed with a hammer. Sometimes we’re just doing it wrong. Or going about it in a way that’s never going to work.
Subtle changes can include hitting it in a different spot. More substantial changes may be required where we lay down the hammer in lieu of a wrench.
Some behavior is purely wrong. Destructive. Damaging. Moderating abuse isn’t the remedy. Stop it is the better advice.
Vice. Immorality. Sin. Crime. Violence. Abuse.
These behaviors don’t work…even in moderation. Cutting back isn’t the change needed. Elimination is.
Some aspects of life require it IF we’re going to grow. Yes, we’re assuming growth and improvement are the desired outcomes, but that’s not how it is with everybody. Chronic bad behavior seeks no improvement, only approval. Only to be left alone to keep behaving badly. That’s not how we roll here though. We’re leaning toward wisdom, which necessarily means we’re all willing to look into the mirror, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, because we know that’s where our most important changes happen. Within ourselves!
So we’ve talked about changing ourselves. We’ve talked about how our ideal outcomes can change. Before we wrap up, perhaps we ought to give some consideration to things we feel are NOT subject to change. Got anything like that?
What’s in your life that you staunchly refuse to change? Be careful before you answer.
Let me start with God. And faith. God doesn’t change. Jesus doesn’t change. My understanding and obedience are constantly changing though. It’d be easy to convince myself that I need to change God to conform to how I’d like to live, but that’d be impossible in reality even though I could easily deceive myself. God isn’t going to change to my standards. He’s God. I’d better be busy changing to meet His standards.
My wife isn’t going to change. While it’s possible to change a spouse and many people do, that’s impossible for me. Firstly, because of God and my faith. Secondly, because I have no desire to change who I’m married to. It’s a choice. One I happily made decades ago.
My family isn’t going to change. The relationships do because we’re all growing older. The circumstances of our lives are changing. Kids grow up, get married and have kids of their own. The people who once made up my “immediate” family have their own now. They still matter. I still love them and trust they love me, but the relationships have changed into something different, arguably better.
My core values aren’t going to change. They could, but I made up my mind I won’t let them. I’ve no plans to abandon my faith. Or God. Or my wife. Or my family. I’m not able to make that decision for anybody else because maybe like you, I do have family and friends who made different decisions. Decisions to distance from me. Decisions to live deplorable lives. Decisions to seek my approval for things I simply can’t approve of – from them, from myself or from anybody else. This is where things subject to change can get vexing. Things that change for the worse, not because we make the change, but because somebody else does! Now, we’re faced with “what’s next?” Toxic or dangerous people don’t much like it when we make a choice that disapproves of their decision – their change.
So it is with the son who turns to drugs and alcohol but is constantly leaning on family members to get him out of trouble.
So it is with the daughter who turns to immorality and lude behavior but constantly leans on family members with venom about how they’ve wronged her.
So it is with the person who turns to selfish behavior, but is constantly leaning on acquaintances and family for favorable considerations, taking advantage of anybody.
Bad behavior knows no bounds. Good behavior has no limits.
Humans have a great capacity for greatness – either good or bad. We get to decide. We get to choose change. Or not.
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“Inspiration is the windfall from hard work and focus. Muses are too unreliable to keep on the payroll.”
― Helen Hanson
A muse is a person or personified force who is the source of inspiration for a creative artist. I’d modify that definition slightly by saying a muse is any source of inspiration for creativity. Do you have a muse? Have you ever?
Through the years of Leaning Toward Wisdom, I’ve talked about two that have occupied The Yellow Studio from the beginning – for over 22 years.
Books.
A guitar.
Back in July, I started The Great Purge. Around 1,500 books exited The Yellow Studio, donated to the local library where I suspect the majority were sold in an annual sale to raise money for said library. The few I decided to keep – well under 100 titles – were boxed up and safely stored away for the next chapter of The Yellow Studio.
By mid-August, whatever muse the books served was gone. Or was it?
The books were gone, but any muse – source of inspiration – was far from gone. Sleep and the books were gone, but the inspiration was running wide open. I began to get on an unprecedented recording roll prompted by hours of writing. Feelings, phrases, words, quotes, lyrics, and photographs prompted the chasing of many ideas. I’m not saying any of them are good. You’re clicking PLAY so you can decide that. I only know that I had more episode ideas brewing than ever. Usually, I’m working on 4-6 show ideas, half of which never see daylight. About half of them languish and never get fully developed. Suddenly, in the span of about a month I looked and realized I had about twenty drafts going – show ideas that had a title and at least a couple of paragraphs of notes. I began to look at the totality of them to figure out the ones I most wanted to push across the finish line.
One idea begets another. It’s always worked that way for me. There was no attempt to keep that habit in play though since I already had so many episode ideas to pursue. But it happened anyway.
I’d sit here inside The Yellow Studio, headphones on listening to the BoDeans, or Dawes, or The Heavy Heavy, and start noodling on one idea – one draft. And a phrase or lyric would hit me, prompting me to open a new draft where I’d create a title. Just a title. Maybe one sentence to make note of what I was thinking of at the time. Then I’d go back to my original work.
“Great! Now instead of finishing one idea, I’ve created yet another one,” I’d think. Never mind. I’d trudge forward trying to finish at least one episode.
I leaned into the process.
Until I got COVID. My first foray with the virus. I’ll forever blame my contracting it on my poor sleep habits, provoked mainly by all the changes I was planning. Changes I desired and changes I was looking forward to – but changes that were putting my mind on a higher octane than it had experienced in some time. My mind wasn’t racing so much as it was doing cartwheels. I’m usually a bit more settled than that. But as we both know, we’ve never been HERE before. We’ve never been this age, in this place, in these circumstances, trying to do whatever it is we’re trying to do. We’re all in unchartered water as we enter a new day. Or night.
I thought about the muse and my references to my two most-mentioned muses. The biggest muse – the one that required the most space and was the most obvious – was gone. I was no longer surrounded by all the book spines that had surrounded me for years. And I was happy about it. I never experienced the sadness or difficulty that I predicted. Before The Great Purge, I had dreaded it, fearing I’d struggle to decide which books to keep and which would go. However, on the first day of sorting, I found myself fully engaged to see how few I could keep and how many I could part with. I piled the books in the hallway just outside The Yellow Studio. At one end of the hall were the keepers. At the other end were the goers. It quickly became a game to see how small I could make the keeper section and how large I could make the goer section. It was easy. Far easier than I had imagined. Mostly, it was liberating.
Once the books were gone from inside The Yellow Studio I sat here and wondered if my proverbial muse – the books – weren’t a muse at all, but a weight, an impediment. What if I had been wrong all these years about the books serving as a muse?
That’s when I began noodling today’s show, driven by my curiosity about these two perceived muses inside The Yellow Studio.
Do you have a muse? Have you ever had one? What made you think it was a muse?
For me, books were always inspirations for ideas. I’d read them and while I admit most weren’t worth the time invested to read them, many of them had at least one decent idea I could latch onto. The titles would remind me of when I had first read that book – and I’d have some thoughts about it. The titles alone often served to spark an idea.
Looking back, now that the books are gone, I wonder if they were less inspirational and more of a visual crutch. Did you catch what I said upfront about the things that inspire me?
Feelings, phrases, words, quotes, lyrics, and photographs prompted the chasing of many ideas.
Only one of those is specifically visual, photographs. It made me wonder why I ever thought the books were a muse. That led me to the quote by thriller writer Helen Hanson. Her statement hit me, “Muses are too unreliable to keep on the payroll.” That’s when I began to ask, “Are my muses even muses? And are they too unreliable to keep around?”
Turns out I had my answer – at least my short-term answer – on the books! Not only were they not the muse I thought they were, but they may also have been a hindrance. A reminder of the creativity of others, but not the provoker of my own that I had always thought. Back in July, I updated my personal website – RandyCantrell.com – to include my renewed focus on creation over consumption. I was already thinking these things long before I started The Great Purge. I had been growing tired of all the time invested in reading books only to be frequently disappointed in the content. Mostly, I had really grown tired of the marketing of books – the constant overpromising and underdelivering.
I know that may sound harshly judgmental – and I admit it is. But it’s based – no, it’s steeped – in my personal experience. With one small, but major caveat – these were mostly business or non-fiction books I was thinking of. Were these books based on creativity? Some. Some not. Then the reality of what the books had really served hit me. Provoking thoughts. Questions. Even the bad ones had done that.
There I was sorting books in the hallway. Dividing the keepers from the goers, mere feet apart from one another. Some destined to find their way into the hands of new owners. Others, destined to remain with me – likely for the duration of my life, however short or long that may be. And the money and time invested in them had been worthwhile, if only because they had forged me into a person looking for thoughts, insights, experience, and wisdom. I figured even the bad ones had taught me something.
But none of that meant they were a muse.
And it didn’t mean that my past passion to buy and read books had to remain as it had in the past. For starters, there are now many new mediums from which ideas can be collected and sparked. Like podcasts.
Information is freer than ever before. I’m not saying books are outdated because I still love to read. I still love books, but today’s love looks and feels different. I’m less hungry for them today. I think it’s because they once served as a gateway – the primary avenue – for learning. Today, they’re less so and it’s made me more discriminating when I look at books. When you’ve read as many business, leadership, organizational behavior, and other such books as I have, I suppose it improves your discernment radar. It’s not 100% accurate but I’m able to figure out more easily books that are liable to be worthless.
The muse wasn’t gone, but my thinking books were a muse was. More specifically, my having read them – the hours spent pondering ideas – had been my muse all along. The books had helped. Been a vital part of the process, but there was no inspirational quality inherent in the books themselves as I had originally thought.
Creation versus consumption.
Seems to me this is the common plight of the digital age. Consumption is a habit because there’s so much being created. It’s a great paradox. Creation is easier than ever before. The avalanche of content begs for eyeballs and earbuds. Some of it finds an audience. Much of it doesn’t. So somebody is creating stuff, including books that are still being written and published. We’re driven to consume, which is why you hear about movie studios, TV networks, and stream services hungering for content.
About now I started thinking of this whole muse thing – this whole creation versus consumption thing – in a negative light. Well, potentially negative. It started with HGTV, a network devoted to hawking housewares, flooring, paint, and other items needed so you can make your house better, just like the ones you see on TV. Don’t get me wrong. I love HGTV and watch a number of the renovation shows.
Marketing is designed, in part, to lure us. To create, or at least identify, our need or desire. Sparked by watching young women posting updates and creative things they were doing in their homes, I began to think about this whole muse thing and how HGTV and other platforms were fueling dissatisfaction. Improving something. Growing. Those are important components in my life. I get it. But mostly, I was thinking of the investments made in money and time. Remember, I’d been in the throes of The Great Purge – something that required no money, but time! It’s also important to remember that I was leaning harder into a more modest way of life. It’s just where I’m at in life.
As I am wont to do, I started mulling over childhood creativity. Those lazy afternoons where we laid around under the pine trees staring at the sky trying to figure out what we’d do next. Bored.
People get bored with their homes. HGTV provides some terrific inspiration and ideas on how we might alter our living spaces to be better. Different, at least. A muse of sorts. Is marketing done on HGTV, whether through advertising or programming, a muse?
It’s certainly not how I always thought of a muse. But I guessed it could fit if you consider the ability of a muse to foster discontentment. It’s not how I saw muses. I still don’t. It smacked more of covetousness than inspiration for creativity.
Then enters the guitar. My guitar. One I saved up for, dollar by dollar for a few years until I could afford it. Still in the case, with the plastic protector on the pickguard. Even though I bought the guitar back in 2007.
Like the books I had two distinct memories of the guitar, both involving some people I love. One an old friend who passed on. The other a young lady who just months ago because a first-time mom. Two people who create music, something I’ve never done. Two people who can play the guitar, something I’ve never learned. They’re the only hands that have fretted this guitar since I bought it brand new.
Stanley, my lifelong boyhood friend, who died back in 2013 was the first to play it.
Sophie, a young lady who married a young man I’d grown close to, was the second.
Only those two.
Along with books, I’ve long declared that owning a guitar – even though I don’t play the guitar – has served as somewhat of a muse. It’s based on my love affair with the instrument. A love affair that never drove me to learn it, but drove me to listen to others play and appreciate their abilities.
Here I sat inside The Yellow Studio, having concluded the freedom of the books was now serving me better than hanging onto them. And I realized my love affair with the guitar had nothing to do with owning one. The reality was, that owning one had only served as a reminder that I could – if I wanted – learn. But I never have. And I’ve owned guitars almost all my adult life. Fact is, I’m never going to learn because long ago I realized I enjoy hearing great guitar players more than I’ve ever wanted to become one. And there’s nothing appealing to simply knowing how to play. I’d much rather listen or watch others do it well.
So what to do with this muse that is not a muse at all?
If as Helen Hanson claims, a muse is too unreliable to keep on the payroll, well something that isn’t a muse is surely too unreliable to keep around. Maybe.
Then I aimed my attention at the first sentence of Helen’s quote. “Inspiration is the windfall from hard work and focus.”
My hard work and focus have never been on learning to play the guitar, but on listening to and appreciating how well others could play. I hadn’t worked hard at all to learn. I had invested a lot of time into hearing others play though. But this guitar – this particular guitar – has been played by a friend who was closer to me than a brother. He was the brother I never had. I did some shows about him so I won’t belabor it here. You can search “Stanley” in the search feature and find them.
This guitar isn’t some classic high-end instrument. It’s middle of the road and I got it because I thought I might give learning one more try with a guitar that has lower action (the height of the strings off the fretboard). Obviously, my plan was more in my head than in my fingers!
Keeper or goer?
This was much tougher than the books because even though it was less of a muse than the books, there were specific people associated with the guitar. One of whom was extraordinarily special to me. And I’ve got audio recordings of him playing it, too.
I went so far as to take pictures of the guitar and case…anticipating that I might sell it. At some point, I grew sad that an instrument built to be played…wasn’t. And if I retained ownership, it would never be played. Was this guitar destined to live its entire life in a case? A pickguard destined to remain free of pick marks? A fretboard devoid of human fingertip oil?
I wondered how many songs the instrument had already sacrificed because it got an unlucky draw of being sold to a guy like me.
I felt sad for this guitar. That drove me to take those pictures, thinking it best to help it find a home where it could be put in the hands of a player rather than a dreamer.
But I just couldn’t think of it being a goer. Since 2007 it had been a keeper. A few songs. Two players. An old man – my age (Stanley James Elmore was only 56 when he passed — April 11, 1957 – May 12, 2013). A young lady, Sophie Smith Elliott. Still very much alive and now a wife and mom.
This guitar may not be a muse. And it may not be reliable in the least, not in my hands. But it has a priceless value for me. Value it wouldn’t have with anybody else. Are memories a muse? If so, then this instrument fits the bill.
Then I modified my earlier statements…
Feelings, phrases, words, quotes, lyrics, and photographs prompted the chasing of many ideas.
I added an important muse…one that had been staring at me the whole time. Memories. And I changed the sentence from past tense to present tense. And I made it more personal and specific.
Memories, feelings, phrases, words, quotes, lyrics, and photographs prompt me to chase new ideas.
And with apologies to Helen, I modified her quote, too – to more ideally suit my current situation.
“Inspiration may be the windfall from hard work and focus, but muses are sometimes too valuable to part with.”
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Pearl Jam’s 1996 song, Present Tense (from their No Code album), is a fitting theme for today’s show. To live in the present tense. But first, as I am wont to do, let me give you the impetus for today’s show.
I’m watching some house hunting kind of show on HGTV, the kind I normally don’t watch – I much prefer the renovation shows. A couple is going through a few houses and in each house one or both exclaim how they could see themselves doing this or that in the space. Says the husband about a basement, “I could see myself enjoying watching games on a big TV down here.” Says the wife of the bathroom, “I could see myself relaxing in that soaker tub.”
Watch any episode of any such show and I guarantee you’ll hear people say similar things. People put themselves into these homes as though they already own them. It’s exactly what sellers and realtors want people to do. Imagine.
It’s a uniquely human capacity – to project ourselves into a future that hasn’t yet happened.
My longtime fascination with how our minds work – or sometimes fail to work – kicked in. Since my books are mostly gone now and the few physical books I kept are boxed up, I looked through my Kindle library – all 718 titles. One problem I’ve discovered through the years – a problem with neuroscience (the study of the structure or function of the nervous system and brain) – is there are plenty of charlatans in the arena. It’s why I’m so firmly opposed to notions about “the secret,” manifestation, and other “be supernatural” admonitions. For starters, they all elevate humans to god-like status urging us to take command of the universe around us, something no human can do. Disguised as accepting individual responsibility they go way beyond that to fool people into thinking humans have a capacity to do the impossible – to merely think something into existence. Only God, the Creator, has that ability.
Years ago I had to learn that the hard way by devoting hours of reading and study to flush out the garage. Sadly, some of the most successful writers are making bank on the desperate people looking for answers that I believe reside in godly faith.
I dive into the Kindle library to re-read some things and get the hamsters on the wheels in my brain running slightly faster. Mostly, I’m running with this thought expressed by a couple looking at houses. “I can see myself” doing this or that. Something they’ve not yet done, at least not in any of these spaces that sparked their imaginations.
Inserting ourselves into unknown circumstances, situations or places. We do it every time we plan a vacation to a place we’ve never been before. We do when we look at a new place to live. We do it when we fall in love. We do it when we go car shopping. We imagine. It’s more than imaging though – it’s envisioning ourselves as already being in that situation. The more we think about it the more clearly we see ourselves in that situation. The more real it feels and if we want it badly enough…the more we see ourselves there – in a future we want.
That doesn’t mean it will become reality, but there seems to be physical evidence that the way our body responds to our envisioning is very similar to the way our body responds when it does become real. It raises the question, “Does our body know the difference between something we imagine and something we actually experience?” It can feel or seem very real because, in our minds, it is. And our body responds accordingly – as though it has already happened.
The couple admiring the house has put themselves in that house mentally. I’d predict that the house that consumes their imagination the most is the house they’ll buy. It became the most real in their imaginations so they marshaled their resources to make it a reality. That feeling they had while first looking at will be replicated when they buy it and move in. It won’t likely last because these things give way to new aspirations, dreams, and desires.
Rather than thinking about the future, I started thinking about the present.
Going through a lot of old business notes, papers, and presentations – during my purging – I had come across a number of presentations about “being present.” Fanatism with customer service drove me to teach, train and impress on people the power of being present with prospects, customers, and clients. Being present is impossible if you’re not focused on the present moment. That person directly in front of you is invisible if you’re mind is elsewhere.
That’s when I wrote down the phrase that serves as the title of today’s episode, Looking Forward Toward The Present.
I started thinking about all the signs of my own distractions. I thought of all the folks I see distracted.
The power of personal computing in the form of our iPhones is the culprit for many of us. “I’m in the moment,” he says, as he scrolls, types, views, and posts. But I’m not sure that’s true. Isn’t he more in the past – looking to see how many affirmations he may have received in the form of likes, or comments? Isn’t he more in the future – posting something he hopes will gain more attention than what he posted half an hour ago? How present is he?
It was about this time that I created this graphic. I had seen that sentence somewhere, and it made its way into my notebook because it accurately depicts the behavior of too many people.
Being present is growing increasingly harder due to electronic distractions, dissatisfaction, and fixating on the past or the future. All the multi-tasking isn’t helping.
All the cultural observations aside, I was focused on my ability – our ability – to look forward to the present for the purpose of being more present. In the present!
Many years ago I read a book entitled Time Wars: The Primary Conflict in Human History by Jeremy Rifkin. Rifkin observes a distinction between analog watches and digital watches. The analog watch has an hour hand, a minute hand, and a second hand while the digital watch has a constant display flashing the current time only. The analog watch provides us with a visual image of the past – we can see what time it used to be – and the future – we can look ahead and see what time is coming. Digital watches don’t provide that perspective. I read this shortly after I bought the book in 1987, 35 years ago. It remains with me today because I thought it was such a terrific, simple illustration. The present matters, but so does the past. And the future…well, the future is very important. That’s where our dreams, ambitions, and plans are.
In 1987 we were about a decade away from the Internet being pervasive. Ditto for cell phones.
Now, in 2022 the world looks nothing like it did when Rifkin wrote and published that book. Our views of time continue to evolve. The irony is that in this digital age, the age of a constant display of the present time, being present seems harder than ever. We’re faced with all the digital displays constantly flashing PRESENT, PRESENT, PRESENT yet we’re struggling to be present.
Go anywhere there are lots of people. Sit down. Keep your phone put away. Keep your head up and just watch. Observe.
“Sure people are present. They’re just watching their phone or checking it for something.”
Being present means we’re focused and engaged in the here and now, not distracted or mentally absent. Are we present or are we mentally absent diving into a digital world where it’s growing increasingly difficult for some to distinguish between that world and their actual physical world?
“People are doing what they want. If they want to be on their phone doing something, it’s great that they’re able to do that.”
The reasoning that our ability to do what we want is always good for us…well, that’s not true. Never has been. Just look around at our bad behavior and habits. We often crave things that damage or destroy us.
Being in the moment is powerful for everybody involved. You hear it when people comment about the great quality somebody has to “make you feel like you’re the only person in the room.”
Redemption. We all need it, especially those of us who don’t think we need it.
Dawes is one of my favorite bands. This year they released a new record which includes this tune, Everything Is Permanent. I’m not sure what the song is about, but it popped into my mind as I was thinking about today’s show. Everything is permanent in the sense that we’re each fully responsible for how we live. It doesn’t mean we can’t repent and repair things, but it does mean we’re without any excuses to behave poorly. The ripples of our bad choices and bad behavior continue, just like the ripples of our good choices and good behavior. Permanency doesn’t restrict our ability to fix things. Sometimes looking forward to the present is doing our part to redeem ourselves.
I know it’s a hodgepodge of ideas, but time is a complicated thing. Our place in time is even more complex. So let’s try to narrow things down a bit because we could chase a variety of thoughts and many of them would be worthwhile. As your guide today, I really want to achieve one thing for myself and for you – to help us anticipate being more present right now and to build on that every day moving forward. To find a way to be in the moment so we don’t procrastinate to do what matters most.
In a word, let’s focus on NOW.
Let’s get one idea out of the way. Practicality. It’s the elephant in the room against behaving with wisdom every single day. I’m not going to argue against it. It IS impractical. Maybe it’s even unreasonable to assume we could behave like this. To hug as though it were our last. To kiss as though it were our last. But since we’re exercising our imaginations as we look forward to the present – what if we embraced it even though it’s impractical and unreasonable? What if we decided that our present – our NOW – would be guided, not by what’s reasonable and practical, but by something more valuable? What if we suspended reasonableness and practicality? What would that look like? How would that feel?
Some time ago Rhonda and I started thinking more soberly about the next chapter of our life together. I’m not sure exactly when it began, but we started looking forward to our present. It didn’t feel like our present though. It felt like our future. Then one night – maybe it was over a few nights, I can’t be sure – I started realizing that day after day I was not being nearly as intentional as I had hoped. A vitamin container was the reminder and I realized I had thought of this for years and years. Every single day when I take my morning vitamin. Especially when I take Saturday morning’s vitamin and have to reload the whole thing. I think, “Another week gone.” More specifically, I think, “another week gone and what have I done?”
It’s the ever-present reminder that I’m neglecting unreasonableness and impracticality. I think to myself, “You’re not being as weird as you should be.”
Robert (Bob) Sutton is a Stanford Professor, organizational researcher, and best-selling author. He’s one of my favorites. In 2002 he wrote a book, Weird Ideas That Work. It’s about having a creative workplace. Sutton was speaking somewhere and I went to hear him. Afterward, I ran into him in a walkway and told him how much I enjoyed his work, and I handed him a business card I was using at the time. It was simple, but a weird card with my name, one website address, and a picture of Curly from The Three Stooges on it. He chuckled, thanked me, and said, “Stay weird.” I replied, “I’m trying.”
Many days I’m not trying hard enough. And I’m not talking about weird as in strange or goofy. I mean weird as in not surrendering to practicality or reason when it comes to the things that really matter. Rhonda gets the space in my brain about such things.
People say couples should have a date night. Rhonda and I never have had. In my ideal present, our relationship doesn’t get just one date night. It gets more. Then the practical me kicks into gear convincing me that if every night were date night then no night would be special. That’s weird and not in a good way.
So I rewind and begin to think about how I might define “date night.” Most couples define it as going out to eat, then taking in some form of entertainment. That’s practical. And reasonable. What if I don’t want to define it like that? What if date night had nothing to do with spending money? Or leaving the house? At least, not every single time? How might variety be the rule instead of the exception? What would that look like?
I don’t know ’cause I’ve never done it. That’s the point of this episode. To think about such things – to look forward to the present we most want, or the present we know might be most helpful.
I rewound my motivations and thought back to when Rhonda and I were first dating. I concluded there’s one big – ENORMOUS – difference between then and now. Then, I imposed. It didn’t seem like an imposition though. It was leading and surprising. I was driven to dazzle her. More so than I’ve been in recent years. To my shame.
I have no excuse for surrendering to the notion that I’m bothering her. I used to never think about bothering her. In fact, that was kinda the point – to bother her with pleasant surprises. No amount of head trash stopped me. The fact is, there was no head trash about it. I just did it. Until I slowed down or stopped.
Looking forward to the present gave way to the digital phenomenon of Now, Now, Now! And Now, Now, Now just repeated itself over and over like the movie Groundhog Day. Except unlike Phil was eventually learned to invest in each day to get better, I wasn’t making that investment. I was mostly just doing time.
“You can’t live your whole life like you do when you’re dating,” is a common refrain of practicality. But I began to wonder, “Why not?”
It was 47 ago when I first dated Rhonda. What would dating look like 47 years later – with the same couple, now married for almost 45 of those years?
So I started to think about that and imagine what it could look like. Looking forward to the present. By being bold enough to ask and answer the hard questions.
When we first dated we lived hours and hours apart so we only saw each other sparingly. What would dating look like if you didn’t live miles apart?
We weren’t married when we began dating (obviously). What would married dating look like?
What would dating somebody you’d lived with for almost 45 years look and feel like?
I’m liable to disappoint you with my answers. Being the dreamer I often am, I concluded this answer, “Whatever you’d like it to look and feel like.”
Slowly, I started to recognize my feelings of impositions as the surrender they really were. I mean, who am I? This is a very strong woman, my wife. She’s certainly brave enough, pointed enough and plain enough of speech to express displeasure or whatever else she’d like. She’s compliant, but not a person to be easily put upon. I concluded I’d been selling her short probably due to my own fears of having my ideas or creativity rejected. “What if she doesn’t like it? What if she’d rather not?” On and on when the head trash of ideas, all appearing as though I’d be imposing some unwanted things on her.
I backed my ears after months of misery and mental wrangling and decided I was going to be strong enough to withstand rejection. After all, how else are we going to improve ideas? How else might weirdness become the creativity that changes everything for the better? Besides, if a man is unwilling to risk rejection from a woman he’s been married to for nearly half a century, then what kind of a man is he?
My unwillingness to give it a go wasn’t going to do anything to move anything in any positive direction. Rather, it was only going to serve to waste time. The present.
It proves a few points. One, no matter our age or the length of a relationship, fear still persists. Two, bravery is always needed if we’re going to find a way forward. Three, without a risk of failure there can be no success. Four, if looking forward to the present involves a person you care about, then stop wasting time. Give it a go!
Part of using our imagination is to think about – to dream about – what it might be like versus what it currently is.
Maybe it’s dissatisfaction with the present. Maybe it’s wondering how it might be better. Maybe it’s a bit of both.
Looking forward speaks of the anticipated improvement. We look forward to something that excites us. Something we most want to happen. Something for which we’re happily anticipating. I was looking forward to the present in my marriage, a lifelong habit I’ve had driven by my introspection on how I might be able to step up my game as a husband. And as a father. Now, as a grandfather. But it always starts with who I am to Rhonda.
When things go sideways – as they too often do (and have) – is when I don’t start with that. Whenever I start with who she is, I lose my way. It’s one of those ying-yang things. It’s far more selfish when I start with her and think she ought to do this or that. Whenever my expectations begin with her, not me – it’s selfish. But whenever I assume the responsibility for the outcome – all of it – then my focus goes on judging myself, not her. I become less selfish when I focus on what I should do – or what I could do – to make things better!
What I’ve learned is that if I want my present to be better – if I truly want to look forward to the present – then I must behave more urgently. I need to consider the magnitude of the moment. This moment. This very second.
For me, the biggest component is bravery. Courage.
Taking action at this moment fails every single time I refuse to step into the face of risk. I convince myself not to do it – for a million different reasons, none worthwhile. They’re all just excuses.
Courage is hard. Cowardice is easy.
Do it now. That’s hard. Talking yourself out of it. That’s easy.
Success is in that area where fewer are willing to travel. Failure is super easy, which is why we mostly experience it. Failure isn’t the same as giving it a go, only to discover “well, that didn’t work out as I hoped.” That’s learning. Failure is refusing to give it a go for fear it won’t work out. It teaches us nothing. It just reinforces our cowardice. And our habit of failure.
A quote leaps to mind: “Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”
Better to give it a go and learn than to sit back convinced it’s not worth trying. Learning is always worthwhile.
What would life be like if I devoted myself to wooing my wife daily? What would life be like if I dedicated myself more fully to being a man after God’s own heart? What could life be like if I gave myself to looking forward to the present?
I don’t know, but it’s time I find out.
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My first recall of such a thing was likely from watching stories about war. Combat was a popular TV show when I was a kid. It was a show about World War II and aired from 1962 to 1967. Men would be injured in combat and their buddies would tell them, “Don’t worry. We’re not … Refusing To Leave A Friend Behind Read More »
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I’ve been threatening to do this for a few weeks now. Thursday morning I had some time so I figured now was as good a time as any. Let’s dive into answering some questions. Please tell a friend about the podcast! • Join our private Facebook group • Email me
Today’s episode is out of the ordinary ’cause I felt like being out of the ordinary. It’s a focus on life in general and the urge some seem to have to not participate in life. Some, thanks to COVID, are terrified of what life might be like if they were to resume normal living. Others … Who Is Happier, The Brave Or The Cowardly? Read More »
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Let me start by acknowledging my dad’s 99th birthday today. Born on September 29, 1923, he’s seen quite a lot in his lifetime. I grew up hearing, “You never until you try.” I wish I could say that trying was always easy. My biggest fears as a kid involved girls. Go figure. Logically, I was … I Don’t Know If I Can, But I’m Gonna Try Read More »
“You boys, settle down.” “Stop that foolishness.” “Behave.” Whenever Stanley and I were together those were common refrains from the adults observing us. It happens. When you’re kids. We didn’t feel foolish. In fact, we felt quite smart. And wondered if cutting up and laughing out loud was foolish, then wisdom wasn’t likely going to … Love, Laughter and Levity Read More »
My life began, like all humans, as a simpleton. I was a child. Then a kid. It was all pretty simple (a good thing since I was a simpleton) until junior high, but that was a million miles away when I was a child. Junior high was only complicated because of relationships – and … Pursuing A More Modest Lifestyle Read More »
1 Timothy 2:1-2 First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. I just watched the funeral of Queen Elizabeth II. Regal. Formal. … The Death of a Queen Read More »
It’s an impromptu special episode. A few bullet points may be helpful. We’ve always cash flowed our life, or tried to. Two pivotal milestones impact every American’s encore chapter: a) Medicare (when you reach 65) and b) Social Security (when you reach 62 or full-retirement or age 70). Retirement means different things to us than … Cash Flowing Life: The Encore Chapter Read More »
Success is the ability to move from one failure to another without loss of enthusiasm. Often attributed to Winston Churchill or Abraham Lincoln although there’s no evidence either man said or wrote it. Both men did speak and write about resilience, persistence, and never giving up. No matter who said it, it’s wise because experience … What To Do When Enthusiasm Wanes Read More »
Happy Birthday to my sister, Lexie. She is my only sibling. Six years older than me. When I was a kid growing up, folks reached 65 and it was considered the age at which people stopped working. Companies seemed to ordain that once you were 65 you were done. Finished. Now that I’m 65 it … The Blurry Lines of Life Read More »
Maybe I heard it because I was born in Oklahoma, a state with quite a bit of native American history and heritage. As a boy, I remember being fascinated whenever we’d find an arrowhead. The story likely came from that Indian culture I was around as a kid. I can’t be sure. Either that or … Be A Buffalo: Stop Hiding From Your Problems Read More »
“A girl I became friends with on a school trip in high school fell asleep on my shoulders on the ride back.” “I’m still coasting on that memory.” Crimson and Clover and Crystal Blue Persuasion were on the same album. I was 11. It was one of my first and biggest music memories of … Coasting On Memories Read More »
Last season I’m watching one of the grandkids play ball. My granddaughter plays softball and both of her little brothers play baseball. I can’t remember which kid was playing, but I noticed a few players who would approach the plate refusing to swing. By the time I’d see these players come up to bat the … The Courage To Take A Swing Read More »
Marie: My Maternal Grandmother Bessie Marie Burns was born April 8, 1906, near Sulphur, Oklahoma. She died on February 2, 1982, in Ada, Oklahoma. She despised her first name. Everybody called her Marie, but anybody who really knew her called her, “Re.” I just registered ResRetreat.com – there’d be an apostrophe if the Internet allowed … Re’s Retreat, The Yellow Studio Version 3.0 & Our Encore Chapter Read More »
In 1975 Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks broke up. Well, according to the lore, Stevie broke up with him. In his broken-hearted angst, he wrote the song, Go Your Own Way. But I’m listening to the song the other day and it sparked a different idea – one I’ve long thought. Rather than a … You Are Not A Tree Read More »
He was born early on Sunday morning, August 17, 1980. In this part of the world, the summer of 1980 still remains historical for record-setting heat. His mom had a miserable summer. Our first child, like all firstborns, was highly anticipated. There was no gender reveal celebration in 1980. It was a better world. 😉 … When Your Son Has Become A Better Man Than You (Happy 42nd Birthday To My Son) Read More »
From 30 feet away a shotgun blast will disperse many dozens of pellets over a broad area. The greater the distance, the wider the spread of pellets. A rifle on the other hand is a single projectile. It only creates one hole in the target, but it’s able to do it from a much greater … Leaning Toward Less Read More »
The first real studio tour I did Inside The Yellow Studio was more than a decade in. It was 2015. At that point, I’d been laying down audio tracks online for years. Then when you guys helped me get the new (at the time) Rode Rodecaster Pro in 2019, I did a new tour. Click … Goodbye To The Yellow Studio Version 2.0 Read More »
It’s a line from the TV series, The Americans. In season 3, episode 3 FBI agent Stan Beeman is asked about his past undercover work where he infiltrated a white supremacist group. The colleague asks him how he was able to succeed in that assignment. Stan tells him you just keep on telling them what … People Love Hearing How Right They Are Read More »
Psychology Today says this about loneliness… Loneliness is the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one’s desires for social connection and actual experiences of it. First off, I’m not a psychologist. I’m a lifelong student in human behavior and psychology, but that hardly makes me an expert. But I … How Many Cigarettes A Day Is Your Loneliness? Read More »
Someday. Too often we declare we’ll do things “someday.” Well, somebody is here. The little boy who wrote this book is now a grown man, husband, father of 3, and business owner. Let’s talk about turning life upside down intentionally because we know that one side of life – our existing life – is done!
Inside Info: As I’m recording today’s episode, it’s July 17, 2022 (Sunday), and day 5 of COVID. “Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it.” ― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan “Sacrifice is a part of life. It’s supposed to be. … Purge, Simplify & Persist: The High Value of Sacrifice Read More »
I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am. – Francis Bacon It’s a common viewpoint. We’re surrounded by people younger and older. Never mind those younger folks. Concentrate on the older ones and you realize, “I’m not so old.” What you fail to … Old Men, Old Love & Old Life Read More »
I will prepare, and one day my time will come. – Abraham Lincoln Case in point Camille Vasquez, the breakout attorney who represented Johnny Depp in his defamation trial against Amber Heard. She’s 37 and according to the collective legal community, she was given some unprecedented opportunities during the trial to cross-exam witnesses and … Are You Prepared For Luck? Read More »
Today’s show was sparked by a headline. No, it wasn’t 57 things, but it was 25…or some weird number of things you should think about selling if you’re preparing to retire. I found the list a bit odd and decided to hash it out with you. No, you don’t have to be preparing to retire. … 57 Things To Sell When You’re Ready To Retire/Declutter/Simplify/Something Else Read More »
I’ve got more episodes “in the can” than ever before. It’s unprecedented for me here at LTW. Today’s show was recorded in the wee hours of the morning. Today. So I decided to hit the publish button. It seemed fitting for a week before our nation celebrates independence and freedom – two things I’m thankful … Capitalism, Not Consumption Read More »
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” —Mitch Hedberg Mitch was witty. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have … Hooking Up With Our Dreams Read More »
An unplanned episode, but it’s how I roll. Well, it’s how I’m flowing these days. Speaking of flowing, let’s talk about cash-flowing life. No matter how old or young we are we can all benefit from a bit of sober thought about our lifestyle, our incomes, our investments, our expenses, and our financial welfare.
The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. – Henry David Thoreau How did you grow up viewing money? Making it and spending it? I suppose all of us have a relationship with money based largely on how we grew up. I don’t pretend to be a financial expert, … What’s Your Relationship With Money? Read More »
What are you pursuing? What would you like to pursue, but maybe you’re afraid? Me? One item I’m pursuing is an upgrade for The Yellow Studio – the new Rode Rodecaster Pro II. Isn’t it gorgeous? 😀 Today’s show is about pursuing dreams, chasing ambitions, and achieving our ideal outcome. But it’s mostly about … How To Watch More Parades Read More »
The headline was clearly meant to tempt me to click it. So I did. But I didn’t read it…until I hit the record button. 29 Careless Ways Retirees Waste Money Let’s see how well this list was curated. I also give a shout-out to a golfer in today’s show. Shocking, since I don’t golf. But … How Many Ways Can You Waste Money? Read More »
“The wise adapt themselves to circumstances, as water molds itself to the pitcher.” – Chinese Proverb Things change. Sometimes quickly. A phone call wakes you. Middle-of-the-night phone calls are never good. Dream jobs aren’t offered at 3 am. Sweepstakes winners aren’t awakened with the news. Suddenly your life is different. How different depends on the … Your Ideal Outcome: It’s Okay To Change Your Mind Read More »
Archie Karas appeared on the YouTube channel, Soft White Underbelly. The two sound clips from Archie’s appearance on that web show provoke today’s conversation about two words: expectation and desire. Today’s show is a special – unplanned – episode. I hope you enjoy it.
Today’s show was provoked by watching Warren Buffet and Charlie Munger conduct the 2022 Berkshire Hathaway stockholders’ meeting. Well, that and getting older. There’s a good reason why “Hey, get off my lawn” is attributed to old guys. 😉
Today’s show is about YOU. Helping you through whatever you’re going through right now. Whether you’re in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s or 60s — or whether you’re younger or older than that…you’re going through something right now. Probably a number of things! Recorded in the early morning hours of Monday, May 16, 2022, today’s … What’s Next? What Do You Most Need To Do Right Now? Read More »
Daily news is scary. Really scary. Real estate news. Tax news. Gas prices news. Inflation. Short supplies. Healthcare. Moral decay. Cancel culture. Deep fakes. Personal finance. Career. Scary is everywhere! Everywhere. As a little kid one particular movie on TV scared me, Bunny Lake Is Missing. Encore.org is an organization I’ve been aware of for … When’s The Last Time You Were Scared? Read More »
There are many personality assessments – and other kinds of “tests” that can help us better understand ourselves. Hubspot has a nice list of them. Maybe our differences aren’t so much the issue. Maybe there’s something else that needs our attention.
This week I’m busier than a one-armed paper hanger so rather than take the week off I fired up the webcam and recorded a show exclusively for the folks in our little Facebook group. If you’d like to see it, then go here and answer an easy question and I’ll likely let you inside. It’s … April 28, 2022 – Exclusive Episode For The Facebook Group Read More »
I registered the domain – ZoomingOut.com – on May 22, 2004. It had nothing to do with photography – or my video conferencing platform of choice. Instead, it was focused on our attempt to see a bigger picture as a means of seeing the finer details. There never was a website at that address. I … Zooming Out: The Process Of Figuring It Out Read More »
We were young adults, maybe 20 or so, when it became a common refrain among us. “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” We’d chuckle, but it was true. Sadly, it was mostly just a humorous comment and not some moment of newly found determination. We never attempted to improve our circumstances. Rather, … Reaching Your Enough-Is-Enough Moment Read More »
As much as I’d love to be completely transparent, there’s just so much that would be improper about it. So I’ll give you the broad brush of it. There hasn’t been a physical death, but the carnage is deep and vast. It’s personal. It’s family. And it’s been going on a long, long time. A … Giving Sorrow A Time Limit Read More »
Wednesday, April 6, 2022. An update sparked by recent random thoughts. Consider this a bonus/special episode ’cause it was completely unplanned…until I watched a YouTube live stream of a governing body meeting where people seemed largely driven by…well, I’m not sure what drove them. Suffice to say, the behavior wasn’t exactly exemplary. 😉 Enjoy!
Do you worry about impressing people? How much do you worry about it? There’s a balance, don’t you think? A healthy balance seems necessary. Too far in one direction and you’re self-absorbed. Too far in the other direction and you’re fearful to do anything. Let’s talk about it and think about how we may be … How Much Do You Care About What Others Think? Read More »
Monday, March 28, 2022. I don’t feel well. At all. But sometimes you just have to talk through some things. So welcome to my efforts to talk through it today. I didn’t plan this as a special episode, but here it is – a show released on Monday. Don’t get accustomed to it.
When I began working as a teenager, I quickly realized most of my learning was going to be in reverse. I learned how not to do things by seeing them done poorly. The tyrannical boss taught me what not to do if I wanted to pursue high performance. It would be many years later, mostly … 4 Ways To Wreck (or weaken) Your Marriage Read More »
“If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that ye were our … The High Price Of Tyranny Read More »
Simplicity helps. Let’s define “greatness” as success. You can establish that for yourself, and define it however you’d like. For me, it’s about being extraordinary, remarkable, and dazzling. And as far as enemies go…well, it’d be nice if there were only one – distractions – but there are many. No sooner do we overcome one, … Distractions Are The Enemy Of Greatness Read More »
Psalm 37:25 “I have been young, and now am old; Yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, Nor his seed begging bread.” I wrote it down in 2014. I’m not going to do it justice today, but it’s what’s on my mind. Kinda sorta. Mostly, I’m gonna scatter-shoot a bit by sharing the kinds … Thinking Of Yourself As An Old Man (some questions you ask) Read More »
James Frank Dobie was born in Live Oak County, Texas in 1888. He was a writer who focused on folklore. He once wrote… “There are just three essentials to a good story; humanity, a point, and the storyteller.” Between 2005 and 2015 podcasts were likely to go just 12 episodes before fading. Since then … Your Time Follows Your Focus Read More »
It’s impossible to completely separate some areas of our lives from others. Are you good at compartmentalizing things? You know, not letting one thing or area of your life disrupt another area? It can be hard. I’m decent at it, but I’m far from world-class. Honestly, I worry a little bit about folks who can … I Got Nobody To Blame But Me Read More »
By the 1990s cell phones had become more commonplace. Never mind that they’d been invented for almost 2 decades by then. I don’t remember when caller ID disrupted our phone usage, but it was a phenomenal development for me. “Wait a minute, what? I can know who is calling before I pick it up?” This … When Their Absence Gives You Peace Read More »
Yes, it’s about wisdom because our lives are surrounded by and largely dictated by technology. From cell phones, to live streaming TV, to tablets, to laptops, desktops. Then there’s tech in our cars (okay, maybe your car…mine is so old I don’t have much tech, and that suits me fine). It’s a different episode today, … Let’s Talk Tech Inside The Yellow Studio Read More »
The Bodeans have been around a while. Since the mid-80s. In 1993 they came out with a record whose first track was the song, Closer To Free. Ironically, that song became the group’s biggest hit even though it was part of an album the group decided to make for themselves. Tired of chasing hits, … Everybody Wants To Be Closer To Free Read More »
Selfishness. It’s in all of us. Some of us surrender to it. Some of us battle against it. Still, selfishness wins more than it should. Young. Old. Guys. Gals. Doesn’t matter. Selfishness isn’t the sole domain of kids. Or old folks. We’re all smitten with it. It’s why the Lord told people who would follow … Why Am I Attracted To This? Read More »
Imagine. In 2018 I started imagining something I’d never imaged before. I imagined having a second home, someplace I could retreat to. I had lived my entire life never thinking such a thing. I remember a time in my youth having a tough time imagining living on my own. 😉 I didn’t have difficulty imagining…I … It Starts In Your Head. It Ends In Your Performance! Read More »
Why do people climb a mountain? Because it’s there. I don’t climb mountains. I barely climb ladders. Heights are not my friends. Never have been. I’m among the many people who view mountain climbers with a degree of admiration and bewilderment. Mostly, I think they’re crazy. It would seem I have an aversion to death-defying … Because It’s There Read More »
He is Frank Watkinson, YouTube star. Frank and I first recorded for episode 4 of this year (2021). That was back on February 7, 2021. Today’s conversation happened on Monday, December 20, 2021 – the same day Frank released this song, an original (see the video below). You’re sure to enjoy today’s conversation. … Frank Watkinson: He Parties Like An Animal, A Sloth Read More »
DO YOU WANT TO BE EXHAUSTING OR WOULD YOU RATHER PEOPLE GAIN ENERGY BY BEING AROUND YOU? Coaching people to engage in proper behavior depending on the situation – reading the room – is growing. Likely because it’s difficult for many people. Theories abound that it has to do with when a person was born … Do You Want To Be Exhausting To Others? Read More »
It’s a very big question. And I may have misworded it. The last part at least. Maybe it’s not about fixing everything. Maybe it’s about making a big change – the one you most want to make. But I decided to go as big as I could with it. Mission accomplished I think. What if … What If You Were Just One Decision Away From Fixing Everything? Read More »
“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.” ― Graham Greene, Ways of Escape The troubled writer is more than a stereotype. Many writers, and other … Escaping The Human Situation With Writing Read More »
Back when we had physical bookstores I’d frequent them. And spend lots of time prowling the aisles. When I hit my 4th decade as a human I began to notice books about people who didn’t achieve their greatest success while they were young. It was likely prompted by my realization that I was no longer … Late Life Lucky Read More »
Back in November 2014 a new podcast was taking the world by storm. It was barely 2 months old at the time, but Serial, a new podcast from the creators of This American Life, hosted by Sarah Koenig, become the biggest podcast hit ever. Here’s how their website describes the show… Serial will follow one … Dealing With A False Accuser Read More »
Words. Phrases. Lyrics. It’s often the spark for ideas, questions, and conversation. Connection ensues. Communication isn’t the same as connecting. We communicate by speaking, writing, and body language. Communication is one person sending and one receiving. But that’s not connecting. Communication is aimed at intellectually understanding. Connecting is aimed at emotional understanding. That’s how relationships … Are You Helping Or Harming? Read More »
“Tone is the hardest part of saying no.” ― Jonathan Price, Put That in Writing You gotta say NO to some things in order to say YES to other things. It’s just a slightly more clever way to express the truth of setting priorities. Some priorities are easy. God, then family. Well, it’s easy mentally, but … Are You Counting Down Or Counting Up? Read More »
Today is a free-form format. I used to do this very often. The urge hit me to do it again. So I did. I hope you enjoy it. Permit me to hawk my other podcasts: High Impact Influence at GrowGreat.com and Hot Springs Village Inside Out at HSVInsideOut.com.
Jackson Browne is among my all-time favorite singer/songwriters. Saturate Before Using, his 1972 album is all it took. But that was just the beginning. Two years later, 1974 brought us Late For The Sky, a record I’ll consistently put into my top 3 albums. While his politics aren’t my cup of tea, his talent … The Sharp Edges of the World (Season 2021, Episode 18) Read More »
Hero or victim? Do you think there’s some other option? What would it be? I don’t know either. But I do know that disasters make heroes. I wish it weren’t true – that Instagram moments would help us become heroes. It just doesn’t work that way.
It’s Saturday morning. Late. Pushing noon. And I’ve got some work to do. Computer work. Website updates. Video editing. Some voice work. General catching up. I usually do one of two things: a) fire up my iTunes library and don the headphones to listen to whatever strikes my fancy at the moment or b) I … I Wrote The Check And Went To Work (Season 2021, Episode 16) Read More »
What about when it must be done? Then you absolutely have to do it. No matter what. I’m on a coaching call and say, “You can do whatever you want.” This executive is weighing options in search of the best one. We hash out the pros and cons of the obvious choices before moving on … When It Can’t Be Done, Do It Anyway (Season 2021, Episode 15) Read More »
Pressure. Worry. Anxiety. Fear. Dread. The human brain – 3 pounds and 15 centimeters of incredible processing power. About the size of two clenched fists, which may be a fitting comparative measurement for many of us. Lots of us go through life clenching our minds. That’s the opposite of having or getting our minds right. … Getting Your Mind Right (Season 2021, Episode 14) Read More »
3 am whispered. A lamp in the corner normally illuminates a daylight LED bulb. But that’s only in the daytime. During the quietness of the night, the daylight bulb gives way to a red bulb. Like a photographer’s darkroom. Except I’m developing ideas, not film. Headphones are on. My Apple iTunes library is launched. I … Caffeine, Cares, Clutter & Chattel (Season 2021, Episode 13) Read More »
If things stay as they are, you’ll stay as you are. It’s just how life and entropy work. I’m sitting across from a new client. Ninety-nine percent of the time within 15 minutes I’m hearing a person’s life story. A gift I have, among very, very few. And one I’m thankful for – the ability … Being Honest With Yourself: How Is It Really Going? (Season 2021, Episode 12) Read More »
That’s what is currently written across the top of the whiteboard in my office, The Yellow Studio. In parenthesis, I wrote: (Don’t Be Afraid Of Scaling). A friend uttered that challenge to me months ago. The context? Professional pursuits. Namely, trying to figure out how to effectively serve more clients. Shortly after that, I spent … Spend Your Time Figuring Out How To Make The Biggest Difference (Season 2021, Episode 11) Read More »
I was in the fourth grade when I first developed a passion for piney woods. I was a pre-schooler when the woods first called out though. So by the time 4th grade arrived I’d spent half my life fascinated by and in love with — trees. Woods. Woods. A forest is woods, but not all … The Distance From Hope To Help (Season 2021, Episode 10) Read More »
On Saturday, May 29, 2021, I watched a suggested YouTube video. It was a 2014 award-winning documentary entitled, RESTRUNG. I guess I watch so many guitar videos that the YouTube algorithm had no problem suggesting I watch this video. Here’s the YouTube description of the video: He had always considered making guitars a passion, … Blind Optimism, Not-Too-Much Practicality & A Plan That So Boxes You In There’s No Escape (Season 2021, Episode 9) Read More »
Before you click play on the episode click play on this music video from Iceland’s best kept musical secret, Kaleo. I’ve spent hours with these gents playing in my headphones whilst walking about in the middle of the night, or in the early morning hours. They’re terrific. I like them so much I bought … I Want More By Having Less (Special Episode) Read More »
These 5 books have been on my mind lately. I’ve not re-read them lately, but I’ve ruminated about each of them (and others). Click on any of the images if you’d like to buy any of them. Yes, they’ll be affiliate links earning me a rinky-dink commission. But you won’t mind. Will you? … Books, Ideas, Feelings, Friends And Family — Not In That Order (Season 2021, Episode 8) Read More »
Here’s one theory about the origin from Wikipedia: The origins are uncertain, but a common theory is that the expression arose after Conservative Prime Minister Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury (“Bob”) appointed his nephew Arthur Balfour as Chief Secretary for Ireland in 1887, an act of nepotism, which was apparently both surprising and unpopular. … And Bob’s Your Uncle (it is about the destination) (Season 2021, Episode 7) Read More »
I’m doing some computer work and watching Homicide Hunter on ID Discovery. It’s just on as background noise, but I perk up when the shot includes Lt. Kenda looking into the camera asking about some dysfunctional family behavior that involved murder. He answers his own question with this witty answer, “I don’t know ’cause I’m … I Don’t Know ‘Cause I’m Not Crazy (Season 2021, Episode 6) Read More »
I stare out the window. The trees have dropped all their leaves. Fall fell. Now it’s winter. But I’m in north-central Texas so that isn’t quite what it is to you guys who live in Canada or Minnesota or Maine. I’m craving a change of scenery. Not just the kind nature provides, but the kind … Wouldn’t It Be Great If…? (Season 2021, Episode 5) Read More »
I’m battling my chronic insomnia. Again. 3 am brings out my best. Sometimes. Headphones are on and I’m watching buskers on YouTube. YouTube has some suggestions for me. One is a video of a man holding an acoustic guitar. The title indicates he’s covering a Radiohead song, No Surprises. Well, I have to click on … Frank Watkinson: A Beginner With Confidence (Season 2021, Episode 4) Read More »
I contacted about half a dozen business owners expressing interest in hiring them for a future project. Yes, they were all in the same space. I was hoping to figure out the best one to do what I wanted to be done. I sent cold emails explaining what I was hoping to accomplish. I contacted … The Loudest Horn Blowers Never Are The Best Players (Season 2021, Episode 3) Read More »
“Are we good?” I ask. There hadn’t been any tension. No drama. No strife. But there had been a bit of quiet. And how could you know if it was caused by the pandemic or something else? Well, you couldn’t. Unless you ask. So I did. “Yes, of course,” was the reply. A 15-minute phone … OK, We’re Good, Right? – Season 2021, Episode 2 Read More »
Today’s show was prompted by an email from a new listener who asked if I had any episodes giving “my story.” Well, I didn’t have the heart to tell him this entire podcast is pretty much “my story,” but I know what he meant. Hopefully, this is my not-so-boring effort to provide him, and YOU, … Everything Is Hard, Until It’s Easy – Season 2021, Episode 1 Read More »
He lost 75 pounds in 3-1/2 months. He admits it wasn’t likely the ideal way to do it or the ideal timeframe. But he was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Here’s what he did: 1. Gave up soda and sugar 2. Ate oatmeal every morning 3. He ate grill chicken every day … You Have To Be Totally Tired Of Who You Are (Season 2020, Episode 15) Read More »
Robert H. Frank is the Henrietta Johnson Louis Professor of Management and Professor of Economics at Cornell’s Johnson Graduate School of Management. I don’t know him personally and until 2016 I had no idea who he was, but that’s the year I read an article in The Atlantic entitled, “Why Luck Matters More Than You … Late-Life Lucky: Anticipating The Ideal Outcome (Season 2020, Episode 14) Read More »
In 2012 a musician Joshua Hyslop released an album, Where The Mountain Meets The Valley. Track 6 is “The Mountain.” It contains a lyric that serves as the title of today’s episode. When I first heard it I wrote that phrase down. Often I’d remember it. I’d consider the long list of things I … If I Reach The End Before I’m Done (Season 2020, Episode 13) Read More »
It’s a few minutes past 5 o’clock. In the morning. The sky is light thanks to an almost full moon. The city lights help, too. When you live in the city the sky isn’t nearly as dark as it is out in the country. I walk. Quite a lot. You’d think I’d look like it, … “I wonder what’s going to happen exciting today?” (Season 2020, Episode 12) Read More »
Are you not inside the new community? Click here to join – it’s completely FREE! LeaningTowardWisdom.com/join If you’d like access to exclusive content, like my two videos reviewing the music of 1972, join the community. I’ve moved away from Facebook so I hope you’ll join me inside this new community. Hopefully, it’ll be more interactive. … You Collude In Your Own Death (Season 2020, Episode 11) Read More »
She was in the midst of a struggle. It was fresh though, which is never the best time to do much more than encourage. We reviewed the facts – the things she knew to be true as opposed to the things she could be assuming. At some point I said it. “I’m sure there’s a … I’m Sure There’s A Way Forward (Season 2020, Episode 10) Read More »
Jason Wilber was John Prine’s longtime lead guitarist and musical director. John died during this pandemic. Jason released a new album after John passed. It’s entitled, Time Traveler and contains a song, Poet’s Life. Today’s show title is a lyric from that song. How do you measure a pleasure or an itch? I don’t know. … It’s Hard To Measure A Pleasure Or An Itch (Season 2020, Episode 9) Read More »
NOTE: I began preparing for this episode some days before the violent death of George Perry Floyd Jr. in Minneapolis at the hands of a police officer. As violence broke out across the country it seemed best to stay silent and observe. And listen. The irony of the title of today’s episode wasn’t lost on … Moving In Silence (Season 2020 Episode 8) Read More »
It’s May. And we’re still in this pandemic thing. Let’s talk it out. Some more. Join the private Facebook group. There’ll be surprises in it for you! Click here. Thanks,
It’s a question. Not a statement. Here in Texas, our “stay at home” order (issued by the governor) ends tomorrow, Thursday, April 30, 2020. Starting Friday, May 1st, stores can open up at 25% capacity. The exceptions are hair salons, bars and health clubs. If things continue to improve (some argue that they may not … Are We Coming Out The Other Side Of Covid? (Season 2020 Episode 6) Read More »
It’s been about 5 weeks since this whole stay-safe-at-home began. Today, it’s a rambling-mess documenting my effort of continuing to cope with Covid. You can judge how well or how poorly I’m holding up. Early on, I know many of us, including me, thought this might be much ado about nothing. But there are real … Continuing To Cope With Covid (Season 2020 Episode 5) Read More »
Today’s show is a video. I decided against live streaming ’cause I’m just not a live streaming guy. Okay, mostly I’m a chicken. I’ll give some words that distill today’s episode: Compassion Understanding Judgment I’m coping with COVID by trying to better understand. I hope you and yours are safe, and well. Links you may … Coping With Covid (Season 2020 Episode 4) Read More »
Happy Friday the 13th. No, I’m not superstitious. The best definition I ever heard of overthinking is creating problems that are never there. Today let me encourage us to just do stuff while avoiding thinking of all the things that could go wrong. Today it’s about thinking what if it goes right. What if it … March 13, 2020 – A Craving Encouragement Moment by Leaning Toward Wisdom Read More »
“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will think it’s stupid.” – Albert Einstein Let’s personalize it. If YOU judge yourself by your inability to do something, you’ll think you’re stupid. There are many things you’re not. Many thing you cannot do. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure or … March 9, 2020 – A Craving Encouragement Moment by Leaning Toward Wisdom Read More »
How are those New Year’s resolutions working out for you? Have you given up on them yet? The odds are you’ve already quit. And if you haven’t, you will. Almost everybody does. Sad, huh? Maybe. Maybe not. There’s good news and bad news. Let’s start with the bad news. You won’t do anything you don’t … Now What Are You Gonna Do? (Season 2020, Episode 3) Read More »
I’m working on a new episode, but in the meantime, I thought I’d produce this special episode answering some of the questions I get. A number of these questions come fairly regularly. Enjoy! When did Leaning Toward Wisdom begin? What got you started in podcasting? What happened to Project #CravingEncouragement? Do you make money podcasting? … Your Questions Answered (Part 1) Read More »
“So comes snow after fire, and even dragons have their endings.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit, or There and Back Again Some years ago Dr. Henry Cloud wrote a book entitled, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward. Experience has taught me that this … Even Dragons Have Their Endings (Season 2020, Episode 2) Read More »
When I was in high school I read a book entitled, My Shadow Ran Fast (by Bill Sands). Here’s what’s posted over at Amazon about the book. Who was Bill Sands? By his nineteenth birthday he was doing three consecutive life terms in San Quentin. He admitted that he was on his way to committing […]
Nothing to see here. I decided to try something completely weird – at least for me. No show notes. No nothing. If you enjoy reading, you’ll have to get your reading fix elsewhere. At least for this episode. Not sure what I’ll do moving forward. We’ll see how it goes. Let me know what you […]
They are known as Goodbye Blue, a duo from New York — of all places. Maybe not the place you’d think of when you think of Americana music. I confess to falling in love with their music. I’m hoping you’ll fall for them, too. They are Dan Rowe and Charlotte Kendrick. Today’s show will feature […]
“I’m Popeye the Sailor Man, I’m Popeye the Sailor Man, I yam what’s I yam, and that’s all what I am…” First uttered by the most famous of cartoon sailors, Popeye, in a 1933 cartoon. Yes, he sung it. No, I won’t. Aside from his spinach induced strength, we may mostly admire his self-awareness to […]
Why? It’s a big question often asked by people today as they search for their purpose in work, or in life. Today’s show focuses on this BIG question with some smaller questions that others claim can help us better uncover our WHY. What makes you come alive? What are your innate strengths? Where do you […]
A few weeks ago during Sunday lunch at a Mexican food restaurant my granddaughter, who loves “blue drink” from this place (it’s Powerade), pushed her empty cup across the table toward her dad (my son) and exclaimed, “I want more blue drink.” Her father, my son, seated next to me turned his head toward me […]
• Bad news, good news for the year that was • Living in our heads – the ideal version of ourselves • Closing the gap between who we are and who we hope to be • Episode 4010 is one I’d like you to listen to (if you haven’t already); it was published this past […]
If you’ve not figured it out by now, I mostly talk about the things I need. My challenges aren’t so abnormal. I figure that whatever I’m going through may have a broader application, including for you and whatever you’re going through. The Beatles’ Rubber Soul turned 50 this past week. Tiger Woods is about to […]
Today’s show began as an episode for my other podcast – my business podcast – Higher Human Performance. The more I started developing the idea the more I kept wanting to create the show for LTW. So that’s what I did. The Catalyst For The Idea: The Pain Back in September I replied to a […]
You don’t have to take what life gives you. Every day you get results. Mostly, they may be the ones you deserve. Not always, but mostly. The product of our choices determines our actions. And our actions garner some kind of result or outcome. Hustle is synonymous with putting in good effort, working hard to […]
“I can see my way out of this trouble” sing Moon Taxi (how can you not love a band name like that?). But it begs the question for you. Can YOU see your way out of trouble? If you’re like most of us – sometimes you can, sometimes you can’t. It kinda depends on how […]
Do you ever catch yourself noticing stuff you didn’t really notice before? I mean, like some model of car. Or some type of tree. Like around here there aren’t many pine trees. Drive 90 minutes east and you can’t hardly see anything other than pine trees. But pine trees are scattered around in different spots […]
It used to seem to me That my life ran on too fast And I had to take it slowly Just to make the good parts last But when you’re born to run It’s so hard to just slow down So don’t be surprised to see me Back in that bright part of town I’ll […]
Let’s play store! It’s what we said as kids. Little did I know I’d spend more than 30 years of my life doing it for real. Not make believe. But every day lots of people are playing make believe. The Internet affords us the opportunity to pretend on a massive scale. Spending the time pretending […]
As different as we all are, we’re sure an awful lot alike. Things – and people – aren’t always as they appear. Sometimes I sit across from leaders I’m coaching and think, “How can you not be more confident?” High flying, hard charging, ridiculously competent and very educated people can suffer the same fears the […]
Life presents us with problems that warrant the question. “What do we do now?” Despair often prompts the question. The implication is that we don’t know what to do now. That’s why we’re asking the question. ‘Cause we rode it long and drove it hard and we wrecked it in our own backyard. That doesn’t […]
Today’s show: A departure from the norm (cause I felt like it and sometimes we need to see a curveball; it makes us better hitters) Pre-school and first grade shame (the perils of being a pyromaniac, lying and peeing your pants) Second grade shame (look, it’s a naked lady) Fast forward ’cause there’s too much shame […]
Time will tell. It always does. Time will reveal we’re foolish. Or wise. Leaning Toward Wisdom isn’t about some ideal version of living. None of us are wise all the time. Few, if any of us, are as wise as we think we are. The best and brightest among us are foolish sometimes. I watch […]
I mostly talk about the topics that seem to crop up in my everyday life, either professionally or personally. Or both. Every now and again somebody will say to me, “Have you been lurking around our house?” It happens. I can speak to something that really hits home. Literally. No, I don’t have spies lurking […]
On Monday, June 22, 2015, I said my last good-bye to Rocky, one of our 15-year-old Westies. You can read more about it by joining the Facebook group. Just click that link at the top of the page and I’ll let you inside. I want to thank you for the kind words and condolences. You […]
Don’t cry. Well, go ahead if you want to, but I’m not going to make you cry. I’m not even going to try. Even though we all know it’s a world of hurt. Today’s show is mostly about resolve and resilience – two qualities we all need because it is a world of hurt. Hurt […]
The pillow says what many people want. They want to turn around, but they’d like somebody else to do it for them. But that’s not what Heather Maloney sings in that opening track. We’re not bike riding kids any more. When I was a kid we stayed outside as long as we could, unless the […]
James Morrison is a UK singer/songwriter with a style I love. Soul. Lots of soul. Like so many artists I find myself listening to – James was a busker. One of these days I need to do a show on busking and interview some buskers, or ex-buskers. It’s a pretty fascinating tactic, going to a […]
Love isn’t easy. But no love is harder. Time, it’s a straight line with no exit at the end. Well, actually there is an end to time. It’s death. I ought to know how to let go — it ain’t easy. Life Takes Us Further Than We Think I still remember every moment that we spent together. […]
I just can’t seem to take much more of this Got too much hassle, baby and not enough bliss Got to give these hangers on a miss ‘Cos I need some help, I just don’t get No one seems to understand what’s up, what’s up What’s up, so called friends come and go and things […]
NOTE: Nobody is paying attention, but lest I endure the wrath of the correctors of the interwebs – those people who can’t wait to spot a typo or some other mistake – I’ll confess it. I skipped episode number 4062. This should have been that episode number, but it’s not. I messed up. I own […]
This past week the guy who has been the radio and TV voice of the Dallas Stars NHL hockey club decided it was time to quit. Ralph Strangis has been working for the Stars for over 20 years. He left Minneapolis with the team and arrived in Dallas with the team back in 1993. Fans […]
Today’s show is an interview with an attorney who was a public defender in the Salt Lake City, Utah area for 14 years until last August. For 20 years he played regularly – twice a month – at a pizza joint with a fellow attorney/musician, a prosecutor. Together they performed Toto’s hit song, Africa on […]
Paul Pena was 55 when he died. His life had been a constant struggle with health issues. By the time he was 20 he was blind. His grandfather and father were both professional musicians and Paul followed. He connected with Frank Zappa, The Grateful Dead and Jerry Garcia – among others. Songwriting, playing and touring…I […]
I really like that photo. It reminds of a young man I used to follow online many years ago. He’d photograph the street people in Detroit. The site is still up, but he hasn’t updated it in years. Even so, I still go to it and look through the photos and read the captions, which […]
A week or so ago Emily Hearn released her new album, Hourglass. Emily hit my music radar a few years ago when she released a song entitled, Rooftop. I have a strong affinity for great female vocalist and Emily has joined the ranks of Regina Spektor, Adele, Eliza Doolittle, Aimee Mann, Eva Cassidy, Ashley Cleveland, Brandi Carlile […]
I first learned of Jason Isbell when he was with the Drive By Truckers. It was somewhere around 2004. I paid closer attention to him in 2007 when he ventured out on a solo career. He was one of the darker artists, writing about heavy things. And I know they’re not popular things, but like John […]
New Year’s Day 1974. That’s when Bantam Books published this book. I can’t be sure when I bought it, but it was in 1974 – the year I still maintain was one of the best years for music. That plain paper, which was once notebook paper with lines on it (look closely at the holes […]
“You and I always go together…you make summertime last until December.” Happy at home is the message of the song by Martin Sexton’s song, You (My Mind Is Woo). “It’s a crazy kind of clarity when my mind is on you.” In episode 4053 I talked about love. Go back and give it a listen […]
Just this morning Demilked, the design, art and photography website posted a series of pictures in a posted entitled, In Love For More Than 50 Years: Couples Pose For Heartwarming Photo Series. Here’s what Demilked wrote about the author and photographer Lauren Fleishman… When you’re about 20 years old, it’s hard to imagine couples that stayed […]
Until he recorded this song about her, I’d never heard of her. Not surprising since I’m hardly an expert on British novelists. Dame Beryl Margaret Bainbridge died almost 5 years ago. One year after her death she was given special recognition by the Man Booker Prize for Fiction, a UK award given to the best novel written and […]
Walter White never read a book about business models. Jesse Pinkman probably never read a book of any kind. It didn’t matter, they stumbled their way into a profitable – albeit criminal – business model. The other day I spent a day in front of the computer doing some website work, and other computer related […]
“I will prepare and some day my chance will come.” -Abraham Lincoln That’s one of my all-time favorite quotes. I know it assumes that some day will come, but I tend to believe some day does come. Not everybody sees it or knows what to do with it, but I do think it comes. It’s […]
Lewis Black is an angry man. Really. And really angry. I can relate. He wasn’t always old. Neither was I. But now we both are. Black was angry when he was young though. You could argue that it’s his bit, his schtick. But I think it’s more than that. While I don’t approve of his […]
Welcome Inside The Yellow Studio. It’s yellow because it’s yellow. Duh. Truth is, I love yellow, orange, red and hunter green. Those are among my favorite colors. I don’t have just one. When I was 15 – yes, people, when I was young, living in Louisiana…you could get your driver’s license at 15 – I had […]
You don’t know what you don’t know. And more often than not, others aren’t willing to help you see it more clearly. Sometimes it’s because people hate difficult conversations. Other times it’s because we figure it’s not our place to tell somebody they’ve got spinach in their teeth. Never tell your problems to anyone…20% don’t […]
There’s a time to go big. And a time to go home. It reminds me of those famous scriptures of Ecclesiastes chapter 3 that indicate there’s a time for everything. To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time […]
I’m not smart enough to catalog the wisdom moments of this year. Wisdom isn’t so easily quantifiable. Or maybe I’m just not savvy enough to know how. I jot down words, ideas and notes. Randomly. It’s been a lifelong habit. That doesn’t mean it’s a good one, but it is what it is. Hundreds of […]
Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain, And the wavin’ wheat can sure smell sweet When the wind comes right behind the rain.” Gordon MacRae and Shirley Jones sang it in the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, Oklahoma. I was born in Oklahoma. Some famous people have come from Oklahoma. Quite of few of them […]
I’d never heard of Heath McNease until I stumbled across a little movie he wrote, Fort Wayne. It’s a quirky little movie of a struggling folk singer who is in Fort Wayne, Indiana. The movie starts with him sitting in his car telling his life’s story to a homeless man in the parking lot of a […]
It’s not even 2 months old yet, but Serial, a new podcast from the creators of This American Life, hosted by Sarah Koenig, has become a big hit. Here’s how their website describes the show… Serial will follow one story – a true story – over the course of a whole season. We’ll follow the plot and […]
Unless you’re a professional bike rider or skater you probably don’t shoot video of yourself while working. I’ve long believed in the power of show ‘n tell, something I learned in grade school. But you can scan through some YouTube channels and find people vlogging (video blogging) their daily lives. As YouTube partners they earn […]
I was a faithful listener of Alec Baldwin’s podcast produced by WNYC, Here’s The Thing. This past June was the last episode, an interview with Jerry Seinfeld. I think Alec is a talented and entertaining guy. And Jerry, well, who can argue? In the interview Jerry made an observation about the people who make it […]
Before I start, do me a quick favor. Click Here and join our little closed Facebook Group. Approval is a manual process, but I’ll approve you. It’s a way for us to connect, interact and spread our wisdom. Thanks! ======================================= I was nearing the end of an hour on the treadmill when he walked in. […]
Tenacity. Persistence. Drive. Determination. Those don’t work when you’re up against a fortified wall that stands between you and success. Flexibility. Curiosity. Analytical. Responsive. Those work better. Wall or no wall. Mediocrity will fail, but winning doesn’t require excellence. At least not at first. From Malcolm Gladwell’s “Outliers” to Seth Godin’s “Purple Cow” we love […]
On the last Friday of the month I do Free Form Friday. It’s my version of urban rap…a’hem, no it’s not. But it is my version of talking about whatever is on my mind free-form-style. I hope you enjoy it. I know I did. Here’s the agenda for today’s episode: Malcolm Gladwell was asked a […]
Tony Beets is a gold miner in the Yukon, and a reality TV star on Discovery Channel’s Gold Rush. He was born in the Netherlands, but moved to Canada years ago to find better career opportunities. He’s as rough as he looks, but don’t let the appearance fool you. Tony is a desperate man. […]
You gotta roll with the punches. Yes, you gotta gotta roll with the punches. We encounter trouble with all sorts of things. Some of them are minor, like my Heil Sound boom arm for my main microphone. Thanks to Jerry Lynch at Heil, I’m getting a replacement. Today’s show is recorded on the second […]
Last Wednesday I see an article over at Rolling Stone’s website. It was a story about a Nashville songwriter named Travis Meadows. You know I’m a fan of singer/songwriters, but I’m not what you’d consider an avid country music fan. I mean, I listen to some country music, but I wouldn’t say I keep up […]
NOTE: Today’s show is a departure from my normal podcasting workflow. I recorded things in real-time on my iPhone. You’ll hear that recording, along with my commentary. Let me know if you think this works. Or not. Thanks for listening and reading. ————————————————————————————————– I’m in the car, driving from the pharmacy to the gym. Talk […]
Reframing the question must be an ancient art form. Maybe it was among the first instances of reverse engineering, flipping statements or questions around. “I don’t know why I can never seem to find ___________________.” Fill in the blank with whatever outcome people want. Money. Happiness. Fame. Popularity. A soul mate. Even a rank amateur […]
I grew up aware of Norman Vincent Peale, Dale Carnegie and Brian Tracy. The genre was called “self-help.” I never heard the phrase “personal development” until years later. That section of the bookstore continued to grow. And grow. For a regular bookstore junkie like me, it was noticeable. Even if I didn’t loiter in that […]
The Meyers-Briggs Type Indicators list 16 personality types. If you’ve never taken this assessment (or profile, or whatever you’d like to call it), you really should. I’ve taken it a few times, always with the same result, INFJ. Personality profiles first appeared in the 1920’s according to experts. One of the first profiles I was […]
Luke 12:15 “And he said unto them, Take heed, and keep yourselves from all covetousness: for a man’s life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.” People collect all sorts of things. It’s downright freaky what some people collect. There’s a list of 25 things – strange things – people collect. A […]
I was arrogant. Pompous even. And I messed up big time. I hurt a close friend and it was entirely my fault. Worse yet, I didn’t mean to hurt him. I was honestly concerned. For sometime I’ve tried to make sense of some observations I had made about my friend. Something was different, but I couldn’t […]
My obituary is already written. No, I’m not dying. Well, no more than most people. Daily we’re all dying. Bit by bit. Some of us more so than others. I don’t remember when I first created a Word document entitled, “When I Die.” One day I created it and sat down to write down out […]
Is it possible to live without fear? My son used to lament how he hated stress. I repeated what somebody once told me, “The only stress-free people are buried in the cemetery.” Fear and other sensations come with being alive. Restrictions are limitations. We’ve all got them. The most gifted and talented among us have restrictions. Some […]
I’m not sure how old I was when it dawned on me that I had more past than future. It was awhile ago. And it gave me a heightened sense of urgency. Some older people talk a lot about regret. I wasn’t so smitten by regret as much as I was driven by a looming […]
Bula Network, LLC is my company. It’s where I coach and consult. And I podcast there, too. I don’t yet own one of these T’s, but I hope to one day. I didn’t even know they existed until Monday. Somebody asked me – for the umpteenth time – what “bula” meant and after I explained […]
A better title might be, “3 Steps To Help A Ninny Find Total Knowledge.” Honestly, I should think more about podcast titles. I hear TMZ is going to do an online course on how to feed our idiocy to be lured into compelling headlines. It’s only gonna be $27 so why not? How do you […]
Go back in time. Go way back. Before there was TV. Families sat around reading books, playing games and doing whatever other indoor activities they could do all gathered in a central room in the house. Usually the den. I don’t even hear people talk about a room called a “den” any more. Well, it […]
Reinvention can be more difficult than invention because with re-invention there’s baggage. Past. History. Along with all the experience and learning we’ve gathered along the way. When I think of reinvention I often think about creatives like musicians or actors. Robin Williams entered as Mork and morphed into a crazy clerk photo processor (One Hour Photo). […]
Junior high school was the required destination for preparing for senior high school. Junior high for me was 7th, 8th and 9th grade. Senior high was 10th, 11th and 12th. Ninth grade was great fun! You were at the top of the heap in a school that was bigger than your elementary school. We were […]
They were Rogers LS3/5a’s – British loudspeakers that sounded better than any small speaker I’d ever heard. It was in the mid-70’s. I don’t remember the year. Nor do I remember any of the gear in the chain. I was just mesmerized by the speakers. Their clarity and flatness captivated me unlike any speaker I’d […]
I fell in love with music very early on in my life. Pre-teens for sure. AM radio was about all there was. Hit radio. FM radio really began to hit in the late 60’s, but most towns had a single station. FM broadcasting was expensive so it took awhile. By 1970/71 rock FM stations were […]
Selling is hard. Selling yourself can be harder. It helps when you’re a maniac on a mission like Steve Jobs was. Or like Mark Cuban is. And Jeff Bezos. All the difficulties of selling can be boiled down to one thing, fear! Most folks focus on the fear of rejection, but I’m not sure that’s […]
Fool’s Gold, a brassy yellow mineral, especially pyrite, that can be mistaken for gold. It’s about as valuable as that empty gold pan in the picture. The difference is, you know that empty pan is worthless. An empty gold pan doesn’t fool anybody, but a pan with some fool’s gold…well, it’ll fool the fool every time. […]
Jeremiah Denton died this morning. He was 89. You never heard of him? I’m sorry to admit it, but neither had I. Today I’ve been reading about him in the news. During the Viet Nam war, Denton, a US Navy flyer, was shot down in July 1965 can captured by the North Vietnamese. For 7.5 […]
It was Tuesday evening, February 25th, around 9pm. The phone rang here inside The Yellow Studio. A friend from Missouri was calling. As I answered the phone with my right hand, holding the phone to my right ear, I thought, “I should put my headset on.” But I didn’t. The phone call ended 30 minutes […]
For a few days now I’ve battled a bit of stomach queasiness. Being still helps. Having quiet does too. Wednesday morning we drove north a few hours to attend the funeral of a woman I’ve known my entire life. Stanley’s mother passed away last Saturday after a lengthy illness. (Want to know who Stanley is […]
Recently, while watching a segment on 60 Minutes Sports, I realized I know people who are experiencing the same thing as retiring NFL players – THE WILDERNESS. In December, 2013 the NFL launched The Trust, an arm of the league designed to help players transition from being players to real human beings like the rest […]
Did you listen to episode 4010? You may want to go back and listen to it before diving into today’s show. Caroline Arnold is a managing director of Goldman Sachs. She’s a technology expert, too. But I invited her to Leaning Toward Wisdom because she’s also wise, as evidenced by her new book – Small […]
Good is the enemy of great.” That’s how Jim Collins begins his classic business best seller, Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap… and Others Don’t. Collins argues the veracity of that sentence because people settle for good and stop pursuing better leaving us with good, but not great outcomes. I don’t agree […]
Change The Way You See Others According to the authors of the book, Change The Way You See Everything, asset-based thinkers learn how to see other people through positive filters. Experience and life teach us to focus on the negative, or to incorporate deficit-based thinking. That’s why we can easily spot the bad traits in […]
Change How You Think: Asset-Based Thinking vs. Deficit-Based Thinking Age has brought with it a yearning. For simplicity. A decade ago I began a fascination with minimalism. I’m a non-practicing minimalist. I love the idea. I just haven’t found the energy to do it. It still captivates me though because it’s simple. Easy. Void of […]
I didn’t think about it until somebody or something pointed me toward it. It was a job posting for a COO of a $15M locally owned business. The company appeared to be in high pursuit of great employee and customer experiences. That’s the first thing that caught my attention. And resonated with me. I stared […]
I no longer live in an area rife with pine trees, but I spent the bigger part of my youth amidst them. For me, there’s nothing like a nice stand of pine trees with needles covering the ground. It’s a natural insolation from the world. The smell. The feel. The serenity. Sadly, my adulthood solitude […]
Breaking Bad concluded last night. I was captivated initially by the quality of the writing on the show. Throughout the series I’ve read many interviews with the writers. The writing room for that show fascinates me. Six or seven people in a room in Burbank crafting this remarkable story — clearly able to do some […]
Grinding it out. That’s the stuff of success, but it’s not fun or glamorous. It’s arduous. Lonely. Difficult. In today’s show I want to talk with you about doing what’s next to take you closer toward the success you’re chasing. It may be that you don’t know what to do, but more often than not […]
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (illustrated to the left) isn’t the only list of purported needs. Famed American psychologist Edward L. Thorndike did his own research on the needs of mankind. And there are others. Each of them have their merits, and proponents – as well as critics. You’re always looking for an edge. Some insight. That’s what […]