Andy Mort: Recent Episodes
Andy Mort
Welcome to The Gentle Rebel Podcast, where we explore the intersection of high sensitivity, creativity, and culture. In this episode, we take a creative lens to the phrase “Let’s leave it there,” inspired by a recent live Kota gathering in The Haven.
This simple prompt opened up a rich bucket of ideas, and I’d love to share a few of the layers we started peeling back.
Inspired By An Old Ironing BoardIt began with an old ironing board that I noticed outside someone’s house on an evening stroll. It sparked a chain of thoughts: Who left it there? How did it end up there? Who is it for?
My walk was consumed by thoughts of the many potential ways to look at the phrase, “Let’s leave it there”.
As well as physical objects like ironing boards and root vegetables (don’t ask) we often use to signal the end of something—a project, an argument, a meeting. It’s a way of acknowledging that we’ve reached a natural stopping point or closing something down, even if it’s unresolved.
Creativity and PatienceIn our Kota gathering, we explored how these words apply to creativity—for example, setting conditions for desirable habits and practices to happen without constantly tweaking and meddling. Being patient and trusting the process can be challenging when primed to expect instant results. However, impatience can lead to unnecessary tinkering, which might sabotage the natural rhythms and pace.
Whilst “build it, and they will come” is not always true, we can create conditions (in suitable environments) that make the desirable thing a simpler and easier option.
Creative EcosystemsWe also discussed the joy of making creativity accessible. Leaving tools and materials out, ready to use, can make a huge difference. It’s less likely to occur to us to play with something in its case and tidied away than if it’s obvious and available.
Sharing and Letting GoIt can be hard to leave it there when it comes to sharing our creative endeavours with the world. We talked about literally leaving things in spaces for others to find, like hiding tiny storybooks, drawings, or poems in public places for people to discover and pass on.
Leave It There – Enough is EnoughFinally, we talked about knowing when to stop and trust the process. There are moments when, even though we might not feel ready, we know at a deeper level that we’ve done enough. We need to trust the part of us that made that decision and avoid the temptation to open up and run it “one last time”, especially from a state of anxiety or fear, which might lead to new mistakes and unnecessary bonus panic.
If any ideas we explored in this episode speak to you and you’d like to dive deeper with me, you can book a Pick The Lock call. If you’d like to peel back the layers on future prompts with me and our gentle hive of like-spirited folk, I’d love you to join us in The Haven.
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Even if you aren’t aware of its particular elements, you are familiar with the hero’s journey. It underpins many of our favourite stories, used in PR and marketing, and informs the narratives around sports and celebrities.
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I explore the personal and cultural impact of the hero’s journey. We’ll explore how it shapes self-worth, personal value, and the pursuits we deem meaningful. By contrasting it with elements of Kishōtenketsu narrative structure, which Kendra Patterson helped us explore in our recent Courtyard workshop, we will begin to consider different ways to perceive and respond to life’s unexpected events.
The Hero’s Journey ArchetypeJoseph Campbell suggested that all mythic narratives throughout history and across cultures are variations of the same story—a hero’s journey archetype.
This concept picked up mainstream momentum in the 70s and 80s, after it influenced George Lucas in creating Star Wars. This was a tipping point for the monomyth, as it started to PRODUCE culture rather than deriving FROM culture. In other words, it went from being a description of the patterns Campbell concluded (cultures tell stories with similar archetypes) to a prescriptive model (here are the universal elements for telling a story). The textbooks started flowing and the hero’s journey became ubiquitous. We see it in fields of psychology, marketing, and personal braining as well as books, TV, and film (including documentary-making).
In this episode, I explore some of the implications of using the hero’s journey to frame, perceive, and judge ourselves. We will spot some examples in culture. Including England’s recent Euro 2024 disappointment, the story of Diana Nyad’s swim from Cuba to Florida, and the tropes we see in some of our favourite TV shows.
My intention isn’t simply to poop on the party. But rather to become more sensitive to the hero’s journey. When we recognise it, we can choose whether it’s useful to us or not. We can then spot it being used to manipulate us into spending money, energy, and trust on bad actors.
We will consider Kishōtenketsu as an alternative way of relating to the story we embody and tell with our lives. Rather than using conflict as a necessity for change, what happens when we relegate it to tangential and contingent parts of life that we choose our response to instead?
In the episode, we consider:* Ways the hero’s journey creates a conflict with reality as its source of meaning * How the hero’s journey structure has become embedded in marketing and PR * Why I get frustrated at the types of pitches I am often sent by people wanting to appear as guests on the podcast * The unrealistic expectations the hero’s journey sets and its impact on self-judgment and societal pressures * The role of conflict in Kishōtenketsu compared with a hero’s journey * How highly sensitive people might get subsumed into other peoples’ hero’s journeys (using the movie, Nyad as an example of this) * Kishōtenketsu, through a “guy walks into a bar” joke by TB Mckenzie, demonstrates how this narrative structure uses conflict as a tangential element rather than a central premise
LinksListen to Kendra’s episode about calming effects of Kishōtenketsu on Stepping Off Now
Learn more about the Haven Courtyard workshop
For further reading on Kishōtenketsu, check out Adeline Bindra’s article.
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I often think about the other characters in stories. The ones who aren’t the key players, heroes, or villains. In fact, I am sometimes so distracted watching the extras in the background of a scene that I have no idea what’s going on with the main action.
As alluring as it is to imagine, life rarely plays out like a hero’s journey: Departure (the call away from ordinary life and into an adventure), Initiation (the quest that requires conquering a challenge and acquiring a reward), and Return (coming back to the ordinary life victorious and transformed).
And while the hero’s journey makes for a compelling and exhilarating story arc, it isn’t always a helpful one to view our lives through. We know reality is much less linear, neat, and resolvable. And yet, we often see it used in the coaching industry for framing goal setting and navigating seasons of change.
Several points arise from this, which we will discuss in our upcoming Haven Courtyard workshop on Tuesday with Kendra Patterson.
Manufacturing ConflictOne issue with the hero’s journey is that it relies on a central conflict, necessitating the identification of points of separation, competition, and hostility to fight against and overcome. Even when there isn’t one, it encourages us to find something or someone to rail against, including ourselves.
Another issue arises in the way we hold one another. In a hero’s journey, every character has a role, either to help or hinder the protagonist’s progress. In other words, they serve or sabotage the hero’s quest without acknowledging their subjectivity. The world revolves around the central figure, who is only answerable for successfully pursuing their goal, even if doing so harms relationships, duties, and commitments. In the wrong hands, this is a recipe for narcissistic abuse.
Finding Meaning In The MundaneI often think about the insignificant characters in a story: the people who make it happen, those who get on with daily life during the chase, and the background of the disposable henchman (this scene from Austin Powers is a perfect example).
The hero’s journey focuses on the surface. At the elite level of a story. But what about the others behind the scenes? The organisers, support staff, and teams that make it happen; the camera crew, sound technicians, and engineers; and those who appear briefly but are never mentioned again.
What about them? The ordinary folk. Me. You. Us?
Breathing The Air of The Hero’s JourneyThe Hero’s Journey is a ubiquitous framework. It is prevalent in Western storytelling and I believe we can overlook its impact on our self-concept and well-being.
- We see it in marketing. What challenges are you helping your customer overcome as the sage in their hero’s journey?
- We see it in business. What adversity has your comapny conquered to establish its unique origin story?
- We see it in sports. How does the latest success serve as retribution, redemption, or revenge for past events in sports?
- We see it in the arts. What adversity has the singer, artist, or author overcome to be published, displayed, or chosen?
The media is full of these narrative arcs. In fact, it’s almost impossible to find stories without a flavour of hero’s journey. This doesn’t mean they report real life; in contrast, we are often encouraged to bend certain elements of reality to fit this structure, leading to hyperbole, missing details, and even deception.
It runs wild and often unchecked in online wellness, productivity, and multilevel marketing spaces, where people can reap huge rewards by contriving the perfect hero’s journey origin story (and getting others to believe they can follow in their footsteps – for the right price).
Because it can be satisfying to read or watch, we like to apply the hero’s journey in the way we frame our relationship with our pursuits and ambitions. But is this the only way to tell relevant and compelling stories to inspire change?
Focusing On The Others in The Supporting CastWhile researching examples of alternative story structures (in particular, Kishotenketsu) that doesn’t rely on a central conflict, I found a one-star review of Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. It was intended as a damning critique of the novel, which I haven’t yet read (I might do after this though!)
“You know those random stock characters in sci-fi/action movies, the ones who never get names or any lines? They’re always spending their precious few minutes of screen time getting shoved out of the way as the hero hurtles desperately down a hallway, or watching from a safe distance as a climactic fight goes on, or diving out of the way whenever a murderous cyborg smashes through their office window. Have you ever wondered what those people’s lives were like? Have you ever thought to yourself, “Man, this movie’s interesting and all, but I want to know more about that guy who owned the hotel where Sarah Conner hid from the Terminator. I bet he leads a fascinating life.” (Believe me, he doesn’t.) Imagine if someone decided to write a book about this kind of person. The result is Never Let Me Go.”
– Review on Goodreads
When I read that review, I had a different reaction…* I OFTEN think about those random stock characters without names or lines. * I DO want to know what happens to those other characters who are shoved out of the way and killed off without a second thought. * I ABSOLUTELY want to spend some time with the guy who owned the hotel. I’d love to know how he folds the towels, makes the beds, and organises the keys (and tidies up/settles the insurance claim after a battle).
I love reading, watching, and learning about ordinary people and their weird and wonderful lives.
I also enjoy stories about those who didn’t get everything they dreamed of. Those who managed to relinquish the pressure of the hero’s journey and find a universal sense of satisfaction outside of the quest.
These are our stories. Normal, universal, ordinary, mundane, and meaningful.
I am interested in working to find other ways to conceive, frame, and follow our aspirations. The hero’s journey is common in personal development circles—goal setting is almost always positioned in that way. However, when our self-concept and character become wedded to our framing of success and failure concerning external outcomes, this can lead to pain and dissatisfaction.
While the Hero’s Journey offers a compelling form for storytelling and personal growth for certain people, it’s crucial to acknowledge its limitations and potential downsides. For many people, especially highly sensitive people (HSPs), I suspect that freeing ourselves from the hero’s journey narrative can help us navigate our paths with more awareness and flexibility and without the constraints of an idealised story arc.
So, what if there are other story structures we can use to build life around? Join Kendra and I to explore this question in our workshop.
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Each of us has a unique sense of adventure. What does yours feel like?
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I speak with Sarah Lister, who runs About The Adventure, a career and life coaching business that helps people connect with what brings them to life as they navigate change.
I love Sarah’s approach to this topic and how she holds each person’s needs within their unique spirit of adventure.
The deer that delightfully derailed Sarah’s sunset photographing quest one eveningA Sense of AdventureUse this episode as an opportunity to reflect on the distinct elements that make up your personal sense of adventure.
We explored the potential characteristics of adventure. For Sarah, it involves nature, spontaneity, a sense of challenge, and being somewhere out of the ordinary. But it also carries the openness to pause and breathe, to have the courage to stop walking and respond to the invitation of a particular moment.
Whether it’s stopping for a cup of tea with strangers or delaying a trek to photograph an unexpected deer on the hillside. There are a lot of juicy metaphors for life in this conversation and stuff worth reflecting on if you want to live a meaningful life.
Recognising Our Sense of AdventureWe might think of the “sense of adventure” as we think about a “sense of humour“. While it’s not a direct physical sense like touch, taste, sight, smell, and hearing, it’s something personal that keeps us in touch with what it means to feel alive and be ourselves.
Adventure is not simply about the thrill of the unknown but also about our relationship with perceived possibilities, obstacles, and the creative potential we see in the path ahead. It’s a key ingredient in living with a compelling sense of meaning.
In our conversation, Sarah and I talk about:* How to find adventure in the landscapes and environments around us * Sarah’s relationship with adventure and times in her life when her adventurous spirit shrunk * The threads between imagination, daydreaming, and adventure * When Sarah thought she was having fun but really was lost, and how she found her sense of self again * Why adventure doesn’t need an end goal, destination, or quest attached to it * The role of safety in a successful adventure (and how we can increase confidence amid uncertainty by carrying the right resources with us) * How to keep the adventure going even when the particular journey ends * And more…
Over to YouWhat would you include in your list of adventure elements? Let me know by leaving a comment, sending a message, or contacting me via social media.
Links* About The Adventure (Sarah’s Website) * Sarah’s Instagram * The Haven * A Blimp from the Blue: Using The Kishōtenketsu Story Structure as an Antidote to the Hero’s Journey (Courtyard Workshop with Kendra Patterson) * Atlum Schema – Year 0
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Have you ever been derailed by a shame attack?
Shame can sweep through, telling us we are not worthy, acceptable, or enough. It can be amplified by comparisonitis, where we judge our messy insides with our perception of other peoples’ shiny exteriors.
Val Nelson, a career and business coach, specialises in working with highly sensitive and introverted individuals. She wrote this article about dealing with comparisonitis and shame attacks, which I was excited to dive into with her.
Many people have felt like black swans in a world that often fails to provide the right conditions for HSPs to thrive. While shame is not exclusive to quiet and gentle souls, it can be particularly challenging for those who have learned to view their natural needs and preferences as a problem to hide, dismiss, or overcome.
So I invited Val onto The Gentle Rebel Podcast to explore how shame can cause us to shrink back and hide from their dreams, ambitions, and needs. I wanted to explore the words “comparisonitis” and “comparonoia,” which can leave us feeling isolated and alone as we look at the world around us and tell ourselves unsupportive stories.
In Our Conversation, Val and I Explore:* The nature of shame attacks and the signs of one appearing * How humour and playfulness are one of our most significant resources * Why it’s so hard to give ourselves what we need in the face of shame (even when we know what we ought to do) * Personal experiences of shame attacks Val and I have been through recently * How to listen to the message beneath the noise when we feel like things are not going to plan * What it means to take ourselves less seriously (without undermining the integrity of our work)
Over to YouWhat are you taking away from this episode? Have you experienced a shame attack? I’d love to hear from you in the comments, via a message, or through social media.
LinksVal’s website
Connect with Val on Linkedin
Would you like to strengthen your defences in the face of bubbling shame attacks and “comparanoia”? If so, I would love to help you develop a strategy to use through a Pick The Lock call.
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I’ve had a consistent journaling habit for twelve years. I use a digital journal (Day One), which has worked well for me. But I realised earlier this year that my practice has become a bit stale and uninspiring. So, I wanted to breathe new life into it.
Mandy Thompson joined us in The Haven Courtyard recently. She led a workshop exploring how to build a vibrant and strong journaling habit that works for each of us as individuals.
We wanted the workshop to help breathe life into a journal habit, no matter where you’re currently at with it.
- Maybe you want to start a journal but struggle to get going
- Perhaps you journal occasionally but don’t maintain the consistency you desire
- You might feel stuck in a rut with your journal and in need of a fresh approach
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I explore why I choose to journal the way I do (and what I want to change in my practice).
Building a Journal Habit TogetherMandy shared some tools, tips, and techniques to help us start, maintain, or rejuvenate a vibrant and strong journaling habit. But as with any habit, it’s not always easy to put the theory into practice. This is why I’ve scheduled four “Creative Journal Circle” sessions in The Haven every Friday throughout July. These will provide space for encouragement, accountability, and inspiration.
The sessions are for those who want to build momentum with their journal habit. We can share how we’re getting on, encourage one another, and try a simple exercise together. So even if we haven’t added anything to our journal all week, we won’t finish it empty paged.
The Haven trial period has increased to 28 days, so it’s the perfect time to come and dip your toes in. You will get access to the Creative Journal Circle (and other gatherings), and have chance to look at the other resources available to members.
Learn more here.
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Lizzie Campbell is a polymer clay artist who creates under the name Clay Disarray, and wow, she’s phenomenal! Her intricate modelling brings characters and cultural figures to life, and it is mesmerising to see.
I discovered Lizzie through a YouTube video in which she delved into the challenges artists face today. Her unique perspective as a highly sensitive and autistic artist sheds light on the struggles many artists are currently grappling with, such as the impact of COVID-19, the cost-of-living crisis, artificial intelligence, social media algorithms, and Brexit.
Inspired by her gentle tone and wisdom, I invited Lizzie to the Gentle Rebel Podcast to delve deeper into these issues and learn more about her journey with art, creativity, and neurodivergence.
We Explored A Bunch of Topics Including:* How Lizzie got into polymer clay modelling * Why she takes inspiration from horror movies * The relationship between creativity and neurodiversity, including high sensitivity and autism * Why HSPs might be reluctant to think of themselves as creative * The challenges for artists in a post-Covid, post-Brexit world * Some of the stranger ways AI is posing a problem for professional creative people and artists * Why the fan art community receives criticism * Why social media algorithms can make it harder for artists to connect with the right people * How we can support our favourite artists (and keep sustaining the arts) in the modern world
Over to YouWhat are your thoughts on this episode? I’d love to hear from you. Share your insights by leaving a comment, sending a message, or reaching out to me on social media.
Links* Lizzie’s website * Lizzie’s YouTube Channel * Twitter | Mastodon | Instagram * What Were They Thinking? My AI Music Video * Patreon
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In this special episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I’m thrilled to unveil the first issue of Coming To Our Senses. This online audio/visual zine for Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) is an immersive exploration of the intersection of high sensitivity, creativity, and culture.
The zine’s launch coincides with the 10th Anniversary of The Haven, which started in June 2014. While it looked pretty different back then, its underlying essence has always been the same – providing a space for gentle rebels to gather and grow together.
I hope that Coming To Our Senses will become an ongoing collaborative heartbeat of our community. It reflects the spirit of The Haven, with members providing inspiration, suggestions, and creative contributions to the content.
Why a Zine For HSPs?The underlying vision is to integrate and normalise high sensitivity in everyday life. I want to create space to slow down and show how highly sensitive lenses offer a valuable and transformative way of seeing and holding ourselves, one another, and the culture we swim in. But also to invite a playful spirit that helps us hold on to life with lightness and humour.
I firmly believe that by creating an environment that allows sensitivity to flourish and express itself, we can catalyse profound personal and societal transformation. This approach to change is not a grand, booming endeavour, but a subtle, infectious one. As we embrace our own sensitivity, we naturally grant others permission to come to their own senses, leading to new ways of seeing, feeling, and engaging with the world that reflect their unique sensitivity and potential.
I’m currently unsure how often I will publish the Coming To Our Senses zine. My initial desire is monthly, but every two or three months might be more sustainable. All editions (and versions) are available to download in The Haven membership. Non-members can read and listen to the latest issue here.
The First Issue of Coming To Our SensesYou can hear the first issue (Tranquility) in this Gentle Rebel Podcast episode. Read the written edition here, and watch the video/audio version on YouTube.
I hope you enjoy it! I’d love to know what you connect with and would potentially like more of in this zine of HSPs. Leave a comment or drop me a message. And if you like it, please do share it with others!
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As a highly sensitive multipotentialite, Yvonne Kjorlien has many creative interests, passions, and pursuits. She studies scattered and scavenged remains to help increase the recovery rate of human remains in outdoor contexts, enabling law enforcement personnel to close forensic cases and provide closure for families. She is also an author, blogger (The Reluctant Archeologist) and writing coach for those bringing new work into the world.
I was inspired by the multifaceted nature of Yvonne’s personal and professional interests and invited her to join me to explore them in this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast.
This one is for you if you naturally gravitate towards various pursuits and what others might describe as diversions. It can be liberating to hear from people who have connected unexpected dots and forged new pathways based on what brings them to life rather than what socialised stories tell them to do. I hope this conversation will bring you peace, encouragement, and inspiration.
Yvonne and I dug into a whole range of topics, including:* How to be a multipotentialite (holding a range of interests and pursuits) in a world that wants to put you in a box * Why labels can be a help and hindrance when making our way in the world * How subverting labels taps into a primal sense of risk (and can make others uncomfortable) * What it means to dig and excavate our stories in a healthy and exciting way * How we might recognise the messages our body is sending in response to opportunities, requests, and stimuli * The power of asking why (and doing it in a way that opens us up rather than closing us down)
Over to YouWhat are you taking away from this episode? Are you a multipotentialite? Let me know by leaving a comment, sending a message, or contacting me via social media.
Links* Yvonne’s Website * The Reluctant Archaeologist Blog * Memoirs of a Reluctant Archaeologist (book) * Follow Yvonne on Instagram
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In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I speak with Margarit Davtian who is a consumer rights activist, social scientist, and “cult slayer”. She exposes deceptive marketing practices, cult psychology, and New-Age conspirituality trends in the coaching industry.
Margarit, one of the founders of Ethics For Coaching, helps individuals seeking support in life coaching, business consulting, and self-help industries—the project shields against grifters and scammers who exploit vulnerable positions with undeliverable promises and unethical practices.
Ethics for Coaching’s mission is to educate, support, mediate, and raise awareness, giving consumers the power to make more informed choices. They aim to be a reassuring presence in an industry that can sometimes be hyped up, confusing, and misleading.
As you will know if you’ve been listening for a while, this is an area I am increasingly passionate about. I have seen bad actors take advantage of the trust and hope of good people, who have been convinced to spend ridiculous amounts of money on “high ticket offers” that promise the world and deliver disappointment.
Calling Out Multilevel Marketing Scams and Coaching CultsI believe that coaching is a fantastic tool that can help us unpick challenges and find clearer ways forward in a desirable direction. So it’s frustrating to see so many horror stories of its manipulative misuse by bad actors.
I hope this conversation contributes in some small way to highlighting signs of a multilevel marketing scams and coaching cults so we can all distinguish between good and bad practices and make more informed decisions about what we are looking for and what a particular person is offering.
Margarit and I delve into the Four Pillars of Ethical Coaching. These are beneficial not only for coaches but also for clients, who should understand what to expect from the coaches they work with.
The Elements of Ethical Coaching Include:* Clear expectations and outcomes * Be collaborative, non-judgemental, and willing to accept feedback as a coach * Deliver on your promises (and promise no more than you can deliver) * Communicate with clarity and honesty * Don’t use scarcity and urgency marketing tactics * Don’t use mindset manipulation tactics to overcome objections * No high-pressure selling * Understand potential sources of emotional/psychological harm * Don’t use coercive control (e.g. programming fears/phobias or using thought-terminating cliches) * Commit to establishing competence and maintaining professional boundaries * Establish contracting between coach and client * Be open about areas of knowledge and expertise (and what is beyond your scope) * State and clarify objectives and outcomes * Testimonials should only be used with explicit permission * No coercive conditions for joining a program (e.g. you MUST share a positive testimonial) * Make relevant qualifications, certifications, and credentials known * Include refunds, plagiarism, risk management plan (how a client knows what to do when they have a concern)
Want to Know More About Ethics For Coaching?They are looking for coaches who are passionate about this stuff to continue the work they’ve started.
Find Margarit on Instagram and YouTube
Conscious Revolution Podcast | Substack
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In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I talk about some things that came out of our conversation in The Haven around the prompt, “I can’t wait”.
What do you struggle to wait for?
There are many angles from which we can look at these words. What comes to mind for you? Maybe you can’t wait for something to arrive. Perhaps you can’t wait for it to be over. Or maybe you get tetchy or anxious when you’re forced to wait.
I Can’t Wait…* For the next episode. * For kick-off. * To feel better. * Around. * To get on the road. * To get this over with. * To get there. * …it makes me testy. * To see you. * For this to start. * For this to end. * To leave. * For the lunch break. * To go. * …it makes me anxious. * To get home. * …I need to keep myself busy.
What else comes to mind for you?
In The Episode, I Explore:* Patience and Impatience (rushing into decisions that naturally take time) * Excitement and possibility (allowing ourselves to look forward) * Pausing to check vs checking ourselves (highly sensitive people might respond more slowly AND quickly to stimuli) * How the impermanence of things can help us be more peaceful in the present, and less likely to wish away time * The power of anticipation, expectancy, and bad endings
Join the conversation in The Haven: https://the-haven.co
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The pedal went spongy. Oh no, here we go again. That weird fight-or-flight energy fills my head and belly—accompanied by a sort of metallic taste.
At least I had a plan this time…don’t panic. Just wait it out.
About twenty minutes should do it. Give it time to cool down. At least, that’s what worked when it happened in October.
Oh dear, October. Yes, that was a bad morning. Everything was fine until the pedal jammed in the traffic jam. As I joined the crawl, something felt strange. The car no longer wanted to engage the clutch or change gear. It just stopped, and I was stuck.
I eventually managed to hop the car to the edge of the road, where I muttered, “Wow, that’s that then.” I could feel myself enter the familiar shutdown state in the face of stress.
“Hold on a sec,” I replied to whatever that first voice was, “look around you. No one else is in the car with us. We’re going to have to figure this out.”
Did I Imagine It?It was one of those wing-and-a-prayer moments when you hope you’re simply having a bad dream and you’ll wake up soon.
I regretted not printing out the roadside assistance number, which wasn’t easy to find without a phone signal. The inner voice chirped again: “OK, here’s an idea. What if the car isn’t broken, and you just imagined it?” Wishful thinking is strong at times like this. I mean, I couldn’t argue with the hope. That would be great, but I was sceptical.
I put the key in the ignition and turned the engine over. Here goes. I pressed the clutch down, hoping for that divine mechanical intervention to kick in. Ooh, what’s this? It seemed better and slid into gear. Hello! Dare I say it feels fine? No, I don’t dare say that. Why would I say that? OK, but what if I could return to the road and make it to the next service station where I can find some phone signal and coffee? “Coffee, really? No. Anyway. Let’s get out of here.”
So I took a deep breath and felt the biting point engage—first gear, second, third. We’re moving! It was back to normal. OK, weird. HAD I imagined it? Was it just a momentary blip? Maybe it was a dream after all.
There was a shot of adrenaline as I drove past the next service station. “Oh, I hope I don’t regret that,” I thought…Thankfully I didn’t.
“I made it home”.I landed on the driveway and let out an audible sigh of relief. My body finally relaxed. Only then did I realise how tense I must have been.
Everything was fine until a few months later, it happened again. I felt that familiar feeling beneath my left foot as I approached some crawling traffic, so I pulled over again to wait it out.
The third, or maybe the fourth time it happened, the 20-minute wait was more of a drill than a plan. I had given up on wings, thoughts, and prayers as my primary strategy for dealing with it. We also went with some practical examinations, tests, and experiments. But it happened again. And again.
I Hope The Waiting Ends HereAfter waiting three weeks for a replacement slave cylinder, I picked up my car from the garage this week. I really hope we’ve finally figured it out. I’ll keep you updated.
So many things are frustrating to wait for, especially when time crawls at an unbearable pace. Waiting can be painful. You need to know when to pause, when to push when to be patient, and when to take action.
Waiting on the side of the road, whether for roadside assistance or the clutch to re-engage, is made more painful when I feel like I’m in the way (or on display). There’s nothing you can do except wait like a goldfish in a bowl that everyone turns to stare at as they drive past. The closest thing I have had to someone stopping to check if I needed help was a guy lowering his window to shout, “You’re not allowed to park there”, before turning to everyone else in the car and giggling.
That didn’t help. Or maybe it did because I heard myself exasperatedly say, “I can’t wait for this to be over.” And ooh, I noticed how much I liked that as a prompt for us to explore The Haven. Just the first three words…
“I can’t wait”We use these words for various reasons: “I can’t wait to get home and fix this car. I can’t wait for much longer; this is painful. I can’t wait for dinner, and I can’t wait to see you.”
Then there are those parts of life that once required us to wait but no longer do. What are the trade-offs we make for the payoffs of convenience? What do we inadvertently lose when we gain access to an on-demand, instantly ready, same-day delivery world? And the parts of life where the waiting space has been filled with distractions to entertain, occupy, and keep us busy while we wait.
I often think of the waiting room as a liminal space between worlds. It’s not quite here, and it’s not quite there. But it’s often a great place to observe life. To explore ourselves.
There’s something about hearing your name called—a mix of relief and dread. OK, I’m up. I can’t wait to get in there, get this over with, and get out of here. The clutch has re-engaged, and I’m heading home.
P.S. Does any of this speak to you? Do you fancy joining us to explore this prompt in The Haven? You’re most welcome!
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Over the past few years, there have been a bunch of developments in sensitivity research.
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I share some reflections on the Second International Conference on Sensitivity Research. It was organised by Michael Pluess, Francesca Lionetti, and Corina Greven through The University of Surrey.
In all honesty, academic presentations aren’t really my cup of tea. My mind drifts too easily. But I munched on bananas and persevered because I really think this stuff matters…I was helped by the recorded replay too. So I hope this episode helps others who are interested in the essence of sensory processing sensitivity research right now.
“If you really want to understand something, the best way is to try and explain it to someone else.”
– Douglas Adams
I want to understand these developments, so I’m taking on a challenge; to piece together what I’ve learned from the research and explain it as best as possible. A lot of information was packed into three hours, and I have tried to grasp as much of it as possible. But I very much welcome those with more expertise to help clarify, contradict, or correct any misunderstandings.
The full text version of my conference summary is available here.
The Sensitivity Research Presentations: Highly Sensitive Children in the School Context (Jenni Kähkönen) * High Sensory Processing Sensitivity: Blessing or Challenge? (Veronique de Gucht) – here’s the SPS Monitor Questionnaire * Genetics of Environmental Sensitivity and its Association with Mental Health and Wellbeing (Elham Assary) * Sensitivity and Overstimulation (Sofie Weyn) * Attentional Capture and Sensitivity (Robert Marhenke) * Effects of Sensitivity and Childhood Family Conflict on Objective Stress Responding (Sophia Bibb) * Measurements of Sensitivity* (Panel Discussion)
Over to YouDid anything surprise you in the research? Are there any areas or topics that you would love to see researchers explore in the future?
If you’d like to clarify or correct anything, please do share a comment below.
And if you fancy chatting with me about anything mentioned in the episode, I’d love to hear from you. Drop me a message.
The music you will hear in the episode is a piece I wrote as I was piecing the show together. Writing music gives me breathing space when I need to reflect on, understand, and retain information without looking directly at it. Here is the whole track (the video is of a train that went past when I was waiting for mine about an hour before the conference “started”.
The post 59 | What’s New In High Sensitivity Research? appeared first on Andy Mort.
Can Artificial Intelligence help us embrace, explore, and celebrate our human creativity and sensory sensitivity even MORE deeply?
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I speak with Marc Winn about the impact of generative AI on our creative spirit.
We step beyond the unhelpful binary debates that tend to view the complex tangle of technology adoption as all good or all bad. We begin with the most important starting question: What do we want to use it for? And how can it help us become more human, more playful, more attuned to our senses, and less mechanical and robotic?
How Can Artificial Intelligence Help Us Become More Human?Marc has dedicated the past 14 years to helping people find their way in a rapidly changing world. He focuses on AI and how embracing it isn’t just about technology—it’s about people. Through AI Adoption groups, Strategy Days, and long-term Partnerships, he focuses on the human side of digital transformation.
Marc is also the author of The 50 Coffee Adventure: A Fun, Light and Easy Way to Build Connections—One Magical Conversation at a Time.
In the episode, Marc and I Discuss:* The role generative AI can play in giving people who have always struggled simple ways to express themselves * Why art is deeply misunderstood (and often overlooked) in its role in changing the world * How art has a role to play in helping us meet the significant challenges of our time * The link between burning out and building things in other peoples’ image rather than your own (and what it means to live from that authentic place within us) * Why Marc believes you have more of a chance of changing someone’s life by making mistakes rather than delivering perfection * Fears and hopes about the post-consumption age of creativity and how mass participation will become a new normal * How AI supports and can enhance creativity (rather than replace it)
I enjoyed this conversation a lot. It gave me a fresh perspective on things I hadn’t considered before.
Over to YouWhat were your takeaways? How do you feel about this stuff? Share your response in the comments or drop me a message.
Marc’s LinksBook a Coffee with Marc
Moving Fast Together – The Human Side of AI Adoption (Marc’s Presentation)
45 Minutes of Marc’s Life That Got Out of Hand
Marc’s Website | Marc’s Blog
The post 58 | Is Artificial Intelligence a Friend or Foe? (with Marc Winn) appeared first on Andy Mort.
If you’re a freelancer or solo practitioner, you likely need to wear many different hats to keep your business going. It can be tiring and confusing at times. An understandable trend in the age of algorithmic social media is people donning the social media marketing hat more and more, sometimes at the expense of their core craft.
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I chat with my friend, Adam Kawalec. He explains what he means when he says he’s a coach, not a marketer or social media influencer. He describes how he’s intentionally built his business through word-of-mouth referrals and relationship marketing.
In our conversation, Adam demonstrated what happens when we shift our focus from persuasion, traffic, and engagement to depth, connection, and potency. The invitation to find more meaningful, gentle, and person-centred ways of building a sustainable business left me feeling hopeful and enriched.
This goes against the growing trend where the drive for social media influence trumps professional training and development. This is why I wanted to speak with Adam about the ethicality of coaching and how to remain focused as a coach not a marketer.
Ethics For Coaches and MarketersIt’s a companion to the episode with Megan Malone when we considered the cost of reputation damage to coaching as a trained skillset due to a series of documentaries and exposés highlighting nefarious, manipulative, and abusive practices performed by people calling themselves coaches. It often happens when the focus on developing skills as a coach is gradually eroded and replaced by marketing and sales.
During our discussion, Adam mentioned the Ethics For Coaching project. It’s a crucial initiative to educate consumers and support coaches in practising their craft with integrity, safety, inclusivity, and professionalism. This project’s four pillars serve as a guide, highlighting red flags to watch out for and expectations you can have with a safe and competent coach.
Much of it speaks to the question of whether someone is a competent coach or simply a persuasive marketer. Stay tuned for my conversation with Margarit Davtian, a board member of EFC and a consumer rights expert, who sheds light on the project’s mission and her role in it.
In the episode, Adam and I explore:* Why marketing doesn’t have to feel like marketing when you approach it in the right way * Ways coaching differs depending on the setting (and the stakeholders) * The difference between traffic marketing vs relationship marketing * Ethical responsibilities when marketing and practising as a coach * The importance of slowing down if you want to speed things up * What it means to be truly remarkable, and how to be so good they can’t ignore you * Finding the sweet spot in your daily rhythm to commit to growing without burning out
Over to YouWhat are your thoughts on the topics we discussed? I’m eager to hear your takeaways. Feel free to share your comments or drop me a message.
Connect with AdamWebsite: https://adamkawalec.com/
Inside The Comfort Zone Podcast
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In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we delve into the intriguing concept of voice, the third element of our creative spirit that we’ve been looking at recently. Check out the episodes on Sound and Noise if you haven’t already done so.
What do we mean when we talk about creative voice? Is it something we are born with or something we develop?
Character is inadvertently forged in our workshops of adversity.
Performance is intentionally forged in our workshops of necessity.
Voice is the taste we leave for others.
Character can be flexible or brittle.
Performance is a wall or a window.
Voice is sweet or bitter.
I intuitively wrote down those words when preparing and attempted to untangle their meaning during the episode.
Other Things I Explore In The Episode:* How art transcends anyone else’s desire for it * Ways we lose our voice in the pressure to fulfil, please, and satisfy an external demand * Voice isn’t easy to describe, and it can’t be contrived * Performance as shaping, forging, fabricating, embodying (and how performance can be a window or a wall – deepening or alienating our relationship with our voice) * Mr Rogers described Voice as “something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.” * Ways to find your voice after losing it * What other people can tell us about the sound of our voice
So, what does voice mean to you? I’d love to read your reflections. Share them in the comments or drop me a message.
The Fireside Membership | Sound, Noise, VoiceThe Fireside Membership offers a unique opportunity to step back from life’s distractions and disturbances. It’s a place to reconnect with who you are and consider how you would love your life to look in the future.
The membership materials, between session reflection questions, and personalised coaching calls are designed to support you in your endeavours.
Whether you have a particular challenge you want to overcome, a project you would love to complete, or you’re looking for a clear way forward. I designed the program to help you come home to your innate creative spirit and accomplish your aims on YOUR terms and in YOUR way.
The post 56 | Does Your Voice Sound Like You? appeared first on Andy Mort.
Something peculiar was going on. There was no way they could be achieving these results without cheating. Could they?
It left me wondering why people are so adept at ruining good things.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVYnyqf9lY4Now, the task at hand wasn’t high stakes. It was a game on my phone where teams take on one another in little battles. But the fact it wasn’t high stakes made the idea that players would choose to cheat even more intriguing (and irritating).
How do you respond when you suspect someone is cheating (deliberately deceiving others to get an unfair advantage)?
I’m not a particularly competitive person…most of the time. But something awakens in me when I sense suspicious activity. It probably comes from the same place as my response to people using technology to deliberately mislead audiences into believing in the impossible talents of deceptive artists.
It sparks confusion and frustration in me, especially when it impacts most people engaging in good faith. My instinct is usually to walk away, but sometimes that is not an option, especially when the integrity of the game, institution, or activity is at stake (and meaningful to me).
Why Do People Cheat?There’s not one universal reason people engage in cheating. That’s what can make picking the best response tricky. We might make wrong assumptions about a person’s motivations. But some potential reasons might be…
They Want To Win At All CostsSomeone might prioritise winning over the spirit in which they engage. They have developed a mindset that links their self-esteem to winning instead of focusing on participating in a particular way. They’ve learned to see through a binary lens, believing society values winners and disrespects losers.
They Enjoy CheatingSome people enjoy breaking the rules undetected more than actually winning. For them, winning symbolises their ability to outsmart others rather than being the ultimate goal. They don’t care about the result as much as they do about finding new and better ways to cheat. Therefore, the common phrase, “You’re only cheating yourself,” does not resonate with them.
Cheating Gives Them Attention inSometimes, people cheat not necessarily to win but to get attention. Some may even WANT to get caught, basking in the chance to explain how they did it, just like the antagonist revealing their foiled master plan in a movie.
If someone was rewarded for negative attention-seeking behaviour growing up, cheating might become a maladaptive way to feel seen and noticed by others.
They Don’t Realise They Are CheatingSometimes, people cheat without being aware of it. They might believe that they have discovered a more efficient way of doing something without realising that it goes against the rules or the general spirit of the activity. This can occur when expectations and regulations are not communicated from the outset, and individuals are unaware of what is “acceptable”.
Are there any other reasons people might cheat? I suppose I missed an obvious one: a sense of necessity. When under stress or pressure (basic physical needs, external demands/expectations, etc.), someone might seek shortcuts to do what needs to be done. If they perceive the game as balanced in someone else’s favour, they might hold cheating as their only option for recognition or survival.
How To Respond To CheatingIt’s easy to feel disheartened when faced with deception, but there are constructive ways to respond. On that final point, we can seek to understand the challenges that make cheating feel like the only option. We might work WITH them to find solutions that work for everyone.
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Start With Acceptance Wherever people gather, there is a chance we will encounter those who want to game systems and cheat the collective. No amount of wishing people weren’t like that can make it so. But that doesn’t mean we can’t assume the best of people while at the same time being prepared for the worst. Preparing means giving ourselves options to willingly choose from if and when we encounter it.
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Choose Our ResponseBy giving ourselves options, we can choose our response. What is the nature of the cheating? How is it impacting this situation? What is it extracting, and who is it taking from? What might happen if it isn’t addressed?
Set Agreements (this happens before “kick-off”)What are the expectations and acceptable ways of acting? Give people as much information as possible. Bring them into the agreement-setting process so that they take responsibility for upholding the integrity of the game and understand the consequences of breaking the agreement.
Punitive ActionsThe threat of repercussions works in specific contexts. For example, knowing that the consequences of being caught cheating are worse than the consequences of losing (e.g., failing the test) and setting clear boundaries if cheating is detected. For example, if you continue behaving in this way, you will be unable to continue.
Cheat HarderThis is one to use with caution, but we might respond to cheating by cheating—not to win but rather to demonstrate how much it ruins things. Cheating is only possible if most people are playing by the rules, so if the playing field is levelled, it can highlight the purpose of the rules.
Compete Cheating galvanises my competitive spirit (a drive to put the world right). If there’s a way of winning (i.e. their cheating method doesn’t make it impossible), I find a quiet, fiery determination to win. There is something quite rewarding about beating someone who is cheating.
Report and IgnoreIf there’s a fair and trustworthy process to report someone cheating, it can remove the noise of injustice in your system. Of course, this only works if you have confidence in the process.
Meeting Cheating With GentlenessGentleness (firm back, soft front) is an excellent way to encounter cheating because it can withstand it without being drawn into it. This might look like meeting the world in good faith, allowing people to explain themselves and have a second chance if appropriate.
Gentleness doesn’t indiscriminately indulge or dismiss cheating. It meets it as it is and chooses its response calmly and carefully.
Over to YouWhat is your instinct when you encounter cheating? Has this been effective? Would you like to add any other potential responses to your option box?
The post How Do You Respond to Cheating? appeared first on Andy Mort.
The noise we encounter can significantly impact how we perceive the world and what we believe about it. This can be multiplied tenfold for sensitive types who naturally absorb and respond to subtle environmental shifts and sensory disturbances.
So, how do we learn to acknowledge and address the noise that can otherwise derail and distract us?
I explore that question in this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, which follows from last week’s exploration of personal sound and the idea of “coming to our senses.”
The Difference Between Noise and BuzzBuzz is not a technical term, but it helps us differentiate different types of external stimulation. In the episode, I discuss how noise disturbs the senses, diminishing our capacity to enjoy while buzz enriches the experience, adding to the atmosphere and energy.
Distinguishing between noise and buzz helps us gauge whether an environment supports our objectives and desires in any given moment.
We might recognise how the same stimulation can be met differently by people. For example, some find silence distracting and seek sensory input to create a buzz to concentrate, while others lose focus if anything is happening around them. This highlights the subjective nature of these perceptions, which requires understanding and negotiation, especially in shared spaces like open-plan offices and living environments.
Sources of NoiseNoise reaches us through our senses, our thinking, and bodily sensations. We can perceive and feel disturbances in many ways and from various sources, some more overt than others.
Sensory NoiseSensory noise is stimulation that directly enters our senses: noisy sounds, tastes, smells, touch, sights etc. Input becomes noisy when our ability to process sensory data or receive information through other senses is impaired.
Cognitive NoiseWe might not notice how noisy our thoughts are when we are habituated to an overthinking mind. Thoughts might include the voice of the inner critic and the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, one another, and the state of the world.
Digital NoiseI wasn’t sure where to put mobile technology but it certainly belongs on this list. In fact, we might find it under every item. But rather than being a direct noise source, it tends to act as an amplifier for many other noise sources.
The phone brings sensory noise through the sights and sounds of relentless news feeds and reels. It can also amplify cognitive noise, triggering internal judgements based on comparisons as we glimpse images, videos, and updates flying past our eyes, not to mention exposure to the relentless flood of real-time information that we wouldn’t get in such abundant volume without technology.
Cultural NoiseCurrent events, news stories, and social trends flow into our conscious awareness from outside. They take up capacity for thinking and feeling and become noise when we don’t have a creative outlet to process and release them.
Cultural noise also flows through the values and beliefs we absorb from society and judge ourselves by.
Somatic/Physical NoiseWe might feel noisiness in our physical beings. It can be experienced as pain, tension, tightness, aches, throbs, tenderness, etc. On the one hand it is where we might hold unprocessed thoughts, emotions, and experiences. But on the other hand, it can also become a source of noise itself.
Emotional NoiseUnacknowledged and unprocessed emotional responses to environments, situations, encounters, and experiences can build up inside us as noise. The louder they get, the more they influence our perception of reality.
What We Hear is How We SeeI use the role of music in film and TV to highlight this. There are some fantastic examples of how music can completely change what you believe you are seeing in front of you.
Check out these examples:
- The Power of Music in Film
- Breaking Bad The Sitcom
How Can Two People Interpret The Same Thing So Differently?The soundtrack playing within impacts our ability to truly listen to one another. If we are primed to laugh, get angry, or be cynical, we will notice information that supports that outcome. We can work with this to create better and more desirable outcomes and avoid exposing ourselves to stimulation that contributes to the opposite.
Overwhelmed By SamenessNoise diminishes our capacity to think clearly and make the best decisions. It squeezes our energy and leaves us feeling distracted and drained.
The algorithmic world of social media presents us with a unique challenge..the overwhelming noise of repetition and sameness. We are presented with a personalised picture of a world that appears to be saturated by a small number of ideas.
We might lose hope when confronted by the crowd of other people occupying the same space we are trying to find our way in.
What Do We Do With All This Noise?
“Listen carefully to first criticisms made of your work. Note just what it is about your work that critics don’t like…then cultivate it. That’s the only part of your work that’s individual and worth keeping. What the public criticises in you, cultivate. It is you.”
– Jean Cocteau
Shame is noisy. It fills our thoughts, senses, and emotional responses to the world. It tells us we are not good enough, we don’t belong, and how we are is unacceptable. But what if the noise of shame can tell us something about who we are and what we might cultivate to connect with our creative sound, voice, and spirit? What if the very thing we think we need to turn down in ourselves is the part of us that brings meaning to who we are?
Sometimes The Obstacle (Noise) is The WayThis is similar to how the Stoics would describe the obstacles we face as the pathway for growth. In other words, what we perceive as barriers to reaching our goals can help us develop in various ways. For instance, if we consider noise an obstacle, we can view it as a formative part of our journey towards self-expression and finding our way ahead.
We can turn our pain into creative offerings that help us reconcile and process it. This can also lead to connecting with others experiencing similar situations and supporting those who may encounter similar challenges in the future.
Environment and RoutineAt times, excessive noise can become a disturbance that needs directly addressing. We might reduce it by modifying our environment, altering routines, and shifting habits.
Boundaries (Work With The Nervous System and Start With The Positive Desire)Consider what makes you feel safe and connected and gives you a sense of energised and motivated hopefulness. Prioritise these things in your environment and routine to minimise distractions. The noise derailing our day often comes from not having solid boundaries.
Boundaries that prioritise what we want more help us eliminate distractions without focusing on them.
We might ask questions such as, what is important to me NOW? What do I want to believe about people? What do I want to notice more?
Set an Intention in The NoiseHow might you experiment with the noise this week? What do you want to prime yourself to notice? What do you want to believe about other people’s intentions? Where would you like to experience more glimmers of hope and connection?
The FiresideWe move through these three elements of creative spirit in my one-to-one Fireside program, which I created to help people reconnect with their natural creative spirit. Learn more here
The post 55 | Making Sense Of The Distractions, Disturbances, and Noise appeared first on Andy Mort.
We can lose connection with our “sound” if we experience over-empathy, people-pleasing, and an “I’m OK if you’re OK” filter. This can happen if the nervous system learns to perceive danger and safety by taking responsibility for the well-being and reactions of people (and things) it can’t control.
Our creative spirit gets stifled when these patterns settle into our systems. It gets harder to locate our preferences, opinions, and desires. And choices become filtered through their potential social consequences rather than their intrinsic value and importance to us.
Creative spirit has three core elements: sound, noise, and voice.
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we explore the role of sound in each of us and how we can find our way home if we’re out of connection.
What does it mean to have a personal sound? Why does it matter? How does it feel? Where is it? How do we find it? What causes us to lose connection with it?
As thinking, feeling, and consciously self-aware creatures, creative spirit flows through our very beingness. It is the invitation to shift the trajectory from what would have happened without us into what COULD happen with us. It stems from the faintest aromas and grows through the slightest cracks of light.
While voice is how we express ourselves in the world, our sound is how we perceive, sense, and notice the world. Sound is the intuitive, creative instincts that precede the interference and noise that clouds it out.
In this episode, we will consider how to attune to this natural and personal part of our being as humans.
Coming To Our SensesWe often talk about someone coming to their senses when they return to sensible compliance and conformity with how they ought to act, think, and approach things. Sometimes, this is necessary, but often, it’s a way to keep our sound hidden. It keeps our creative spirit squashed and unable to breathe.
Truly coming to our senses is about recognising our first perceptions, noticing what we notice, including what we are drawn towards and away from before the noisy filters kick in. Filters like social pressures, expectations, and cultural injunctions leave us doing, chasing, and valuing things that don’t matter to us and fearing, avoiding, and hiding from the things that do.
If This Isn’t Nice, I Don’t Know What IsKurt Vonnegut’s uncle Alex had a saying: “If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.” He says, “What Uncle Alex found objectionable about so many human beings is that they would seldom notice when they were happy.”
Happiness is a fleeting encounter with something that catches the sleeve of our attention and brings us into harmony with the moment. The mind isn’t caught up in rumination and worry. It is present, aware, and alive. It can’t be experienced anywhere or anytime other than here and now.
We connect with our sound when we pause to say, “If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.”
In her book Anchored, Deb Dana says that “glimmers are all around us, but from a state of protection, they are very hard to find.” For many sensitive souls who have developed deep defensive patterns that seek safety by avoiding threats, it can be challenging to notice glimmers. When our nervous systems are stressed, busy, or numb, we are less attuned to the points of connection around us.
Catching Our Sleeve On Our SoundIn his book Several Short Sentences About Writing, Verlyn Klinkenborg writes:
“Is it possible to practice noticing?
I think so. But I also think it requires a suspension of yearning. And a pause in the desire to be pouring something out of yourself.
Noticing is about letting yourself out into the world,
Rather than siphoning the world into you…
Noticing means thinking with all your senses.
So what is noticing?
A pinpoint of awareness,
The detail that stands out amid all the details.
It’s catching your sleeve on the thorn of the thing you
Notice”
What catches your sleeve?This is where we find the headwaters of creative spirit. The trickle at the source of the river of creativity that we want to feel flowing through our lives.
Losing Connection With Our Sound
We wonder if we’re allowed to like what we like. There’s communal groupthink that can inform this, where we outsource our tastes to the tastemakers and trendsetters who give us the rules for fitting in. We lose connection with our sound when we run everything we notice through a filter or set of standards that we haven’t decided for ourselves.
Between Stimulus and ResponseAs Viktor Frankl famously said, there is a space between the stimulus and response where we have the power to choose our path forward. The more space we can bring to that moment, the better we can select the actions, words, and thoughts that reflect the values we want the world to reflect.
However, this space between stimulus and response can also present a challenge when the pull of a prevalent culture is strong, when there are loud judgemental noises in the world around us. It becomes somewhere to question our sound, second-guess the intuitive nudge, and talk ourselves out of doing the right thing.
In this space, our second thoughts convince us that our initial feelings aren’t right. We don’t allow our authentic tastes, preferences, and the things that catch our attention to whisper to us. And when these moments are strung together over a long period, our sound can become so faint that we lose connection with it.
So, How Do We Reconnect With Our Sound?If this sounds like something you want to explore, I recommend experimenting with a glimmer record.
- Record the things you notice. Write them down, take photos, or speak them into your phone’s voice memo app—whatever is simplest and easiest for you.
- Don’t judge or analyse what catches the sleeve of your attention (you don’t need to know why)
- Notice any resistance you have (no one else will see what you record, so observe any resistance you have when noticing particular things—what does the resistance feel like? Does it carry words? A familiar voice? Judgment?).
In the next part (Noise), we will consider how noise clouds our sound.
The Fireside ProgramMy One-to-One Fireside coaching program helps you tune into your natural sound, process the world’s noise, and express your unique voice in the best way for you. Learn more here.
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Technology scrapes off imperfections, removes mistakes, and conceals blemishes. It can add or remove elements in a photograph, pitch correct music, and give the impression that someone was (or wasn’t) there.
We face philosophical questions about our relationship with truth, honesty, and integrity in art. But these aren’t limited to the “creative” space. They have implications for all of us.
The tools helping us improve can also eliminate differences and cause us to conform to standards that leave creative output compressed to lines and squeezed into boxes. We might ask how much of our humanity we are willing to “perfect” out of existence.
When we have access to tools that cover blemishes and make us sound better, it’s tempting to use them. Why would we choose not to? Why would we do anything else if we can avoid uncertainty, vulnerability, and imperfection?
From my experience making music, I know that when I lose confidence in my creative sound, I don’t fight as hard to keep it in the mix. I welcome the person who comes along with a tool to help me sound “professional,” “proper,” and “just like everybody else.” I tend to grimace when I hear too much of myself. But the uniqueness of my creative voice is intrinsically woven through those parts of me I want to conceal, hide, and iron out.
An effective producer gently amplifies rather than eradicates the unique aspects of our creativity, supporting us in becoming more confident in our humanity.
The Department of Pitch CorrectionsFil Henley produces videos, responding to requests to analyse music from live performances, online videos, and TV broadcasts. He isolates vocals and runs them through monitoring software to assess whether pitch correction has been applied.
His work raises some interesting questions about authenticity, integrity, and the essence of creative voice.
The issue isn’t necessarily the use of pitch correction per se. It’s what these tools and techniques do to our perception of possibilities. At its worst, pitch correction is used to deceive viewers and listeners into believing something untrue.
In one video, I REALLY don’t know WHAT to think about music anymore!?! Fil looks at a trend where singers film themselves singing at home. The simple aesthetic gives the impression of a relaxed, “just hopping on to sing a song”, impromptu, one-take performance. When they go viral, the captions for these videos focus on how perfect the vocal performance is. But as Fil points out, the most famous purveyors of the trend use perception management techniques so that the audience believes they are watching a live performance when the singer mimes to a pre-produced recording with pitch-corrected vocals.
The Line Between Illusion and DeceptionIn this sense, it’s not the technology itself that’s a problem. Instead, it’s how the results of using these tools are packaged and sold and whether or not audiences are aware of the illusion. This illusion matters when we are being led to believe that what we hear accurately represents the underlying performance.
When we see magicians perform tricks, we know they are not defying the laws of nature with their magic. Showmanship, sleight of hand, and consensual deception contribute to the entertainment. But that is also the essence of the art form—to sow that seed in the mind of the audience—”Whoa! How on Earth did they do that? I think this person actually IS a wizard!”
We might then ask ourselves how we want to approach and engage with art:1. As entertainment where we passively consume what we’re being fed (the artist as performer, putting on a show for the audience to observe – where process matters less than product) 2. As participation, where we are an active part of the creative act (the artist as a facilitator, inviting the audience into an exploration of what it means to be human – where the how matters just as much as the what)
There is space for technology like pitch correction. It works as a creative tool, a choice, and is applied to support our work. It can help us “find the music” in many things, fix mistakes, and develop fascinating new sound palettes.
Art developed by AI can help us think more deeply about what it means to be human. But only if it’s not being used to replace what it means to be human or to make us believe it’s a direct primary expression made by our hands (and voices).
Just Because You Can, It Doesn’t Mean You MustWhen our judgement of “good vocals” is how accurate they are to the lines, we potentially sacrifice elements that make a human voice truly compelling and attractive: the character, the expression, the tone, and the natural imperfections that arise from a human being. When we over-perfect ourselves, we lose our humanity. We iron out emotion, vulnerability, fragility, and the beauty that teeters on the ledge between holding it together and things falling apart.
When we strive for perfection, we compress our voices into homogeneous sameness. But life only flourishes when we embrace the blemishes. A community thrives through a celebration of our differences, not a moulding of sameness. And it’s when we allow, enjoy, encourage, and celebrate our differences the creative human spirit flies.
Progress Towards Utopian BlandnessProgress isn’t the pursuit of perfection; it’s the invitation to what is alive, needed, and present from moment to moment. For life to truly grow, we must invite all aspects of ourselves rather than ironing them out. Life becomes dull and meaningless when we become mechanically bland, robotic, productivity-focused creatures without authentically weird tonal sounds, odd quirks, and funny ways of expressing ourselves.
We might want to conceal, tamp down, and hide those vulnerable parts that make us feel self-conscious. However, those aspects of who we are sit at the core of our unique creative sound.
If we lack confidence or are a little unsure of ourselves, it won’t take much to convince us of the benefits of proverbial (or literal) pitch correction. But we need “producers” (friends, communities, families, professionals) who instil confidence. People who help build the confidence we have in OUR voice. Supporting us to sound like us. And we can be that for others, too.
Rather than helping people fit in and sound the same as everyone else, they encourage each other to connect with and express the bits that sound different. Embrace imperfection. Enjoy it. Encourage it. Celebrate it. Because of life’s blemished beauty, there are many spaces to explore inside, outside, and between us.
Meet Me At The FiresideWhether you’re seeking to reach a specific goal, complete a project, or explore the whispers of your soul, you might be interested in my Fireside Program. Together, we’ll navigate the noise so you can unearth your sound and express your voice.
The post Are We Correcting The Humanity Out of Our Creative Voice? appeared first on Andy Mort.
Where does your mind go when you read the phrase, “The money changed everything”?
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I want to share points from our recent Haven discussion when we used this prompt to chat and play.
Where did the money come from? What difference did it make?
Before our gathering, I stumbled on an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents called “Reward to Finder“. The story is about Carl, who finds some money in a gutter on his way home from work. Instead of returning it to its rightful owner (in exchange for an unspecified reward), as he promised his wife, Anna, he keeps it hidden in his attic. Eventually, Anna discovers that he is counting the money and demands a share. She threatens to go to the police if Carl doesn’t comply. As she spends the money, the situation escalates. Ultimately, they both decide to take action. This changes everything.
It was like poison; it got into our bloodstream.
Normal life became something obscene.
We couldn’t see straight. I lost you in the haze.
Neighbours hear banging through the walls of this doorless maze.
A dark cloud hanging like a fur coat.
In limbo, awaiting the verdict.Words inspired by Reward to Finder
The story highlights a familiar scenario we may have encountered in various situations. The arrival of money can often trigger possessiveness, control, greed, and envy, causing relationships to crumble. This can happen dramatically, as depicted in the story, or gradually over time. Over time, resentments build up, stories take hold in the characters’ minds, beliefs shift, values change, and people stop seeing people. Instead, they see obstacles, hindrances, opportunities, and gold mines. But perhaps, instead of bringing about fundamental changes, money reveals what was already there.
But The Money Can Make a Positive DifferenceIt was interesting to notice how my personal response to the prompt had a negative flavour. This attitude might be called “Why does money always ruin good things?” There are many examples of this. But I wanted to explore how money can positively change everything. That would be the first place people go in response to the prompt.
An unexpected gift that took the pressure off or saved the day, approval for the loan that got the business off the ground, or the grant that transformed the community.
What Would You Choose To Do If Money Wasn’t an Obstacle?What Would You Choose To Do If Money Wasn’t an Obstacle? is a classic coaching question. But it’s also an interesting one to dissect. The responses seem to vary depending on whether having a vision precedes the availability of funds or vice versa.
On one hand, we may ask, “What is something you would love to do but can’t due to a lack of resources?” Perhaps there is a particular project you would love to undertake, a place you would like to visit, or changes you would like to make. In other words, if you had the money, you would know exactly what to spend it on. For me, it’s finishing my album. Incidentally, if you have £5000 lying around (or know someone who does), gimme a shout!
The other way of reading the question is, “If you suddenly came into a chunk of money, what would you do with it?” It’s the “What would you do if you won the lottery?” question. Responses tend to be more vague. We would “probably” buy this or that, replace some stuff, give it away, or invest it. The possibilities are broader, but they are also potentially less focused.
A Highly Sensitive Drive To EnableThere was a thread in our discussion as we imagined the difference money could make in enabling desirable stuff to emerge in the world around us. Once the bills are taken care of and there’s enough yarn to knit with, we might look beyond our personal situation and into families, neighbourhoods, and communities, where money could change things for good.
Unconditional GivingThis opened a conversation about gifts. Some people love giving but are uncomfortable receiving gifts. Even when there are no tangible strings attached. Our transactional market mentality travels deeply within, around, and between us. Likewise, we might ponder whether giving money unconditionally to support a cause, a student, or an artist is truly possible. Or is there always a low-level entitlement to results? Is a gift really a gift if we want a particular outcome to emerge from giving it?
This was a beautiful thing to ponder because it speaks to the unconditional belief in other people’s vision for their work. How often does money come with strings attached, contractual obligations that compromise and control the creative vision?
I’ve seen this happen to musicians and songwriters over the years, who live the dream and get the record deal, only to realise that it’s not about the art; it’s about the money. The money is obviously an investment, not a gift. It’s not a case of someone financially supporting the potential creation of something they believe in for its own sake; it’s about backing an artist they believe will make them profit.
Of course, that’s how an industry works, and its underpinned by business deals. But are there other ways to think about investment in the creators we believe in? I suppose it’s the beauty of Patreon and Bandcamp, where we can directly support our favourite artists and creators. Everyone has different motives underpinning their support, but ultimately these platforms allow us to give to the people and work we want to see flourish.
Questions For Reflection: The Money Changed EverythingWe used the following questions for further reflection.
- What would you choose to do if money wasn’t an obstacle?
- What is something that money makes more challenging?
- What might society look like if people didn’t need to worry about making money to survive? How do you think people would use their time? What values/priorities would emerge?
- What is the most important lesson you’ve learned about money?
We have an open discussion in The Haven and a space to share anything you come up with – I’ve added some unfinished poems and an attempt at a painting. Seeing how different people interpret these prompts and answer those reflection questions is great fun. It expands horizons and helps untangle all kinds of things that might be causing frustration and stuckness.
Join us over at The Haven
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It’s common to hear suggestions such as “spend time in nature” or “get out into nature” to improve our well-being. We instinctively know that being outside benefits us, and we usually don’t need to be reminded of its importance. Rarely do we read such advice and think, “Oh, that’s an interesting concept. I hadn’t thought of that.”
Obstacles to “self-care” are rarely due to our unawareness of what supports our needs. Instead, they exist because of a complex range of constraints, including limited time and access to green spaces. Additionally, the belief that everything we do needs to be productive or valuable can trip us up. This mindset can make it difficult for us to recognise the simple things we already do to support our well-being and to overthink (and compartmentalise) the options for bringing more soul-nurturing activities into our everyday lives.
Creativity as a CornerstoneCreativity offers a bridge to reconnect with nature and fulfil our need for purpose. It allows us to slow down without feeling guilty about “wasting time,” especially if we’ve been conditioned to believe that value stems solely from measurable achievements. Creative pursuits can provide a sense of progress without the pressure for tangible results.
We recently explored this question in The Haven: How can creativity facilitate our connection with nature and exploration of the world around us?
One response challenged the notion that “getting out in nature” requires venturing far or dedicating extended periods. They shared their simple morning ritual involving a short walk to a nearby park with a religious shrine. There, they sit amidst nature, allowing themselves to be present without specific creative intentions. Yet this ritual sets a creative tone for their day, fostering a sense of connection and rhythm.
Someone else highlighted the value of our perspective when we look beyond the twelve inches to the screens on our computers and devices. Stepping outside and “touching grass” can help untangle mind knots. I imagine we all have experiences of that.
Spending Time in Nature is a Result of Other ThingsOthers shared examples of integrating creativity into everyday activities. For instance, rather than focusing solely on the goal of an exercise, making it enjoyable through playful approaches can enhance engagement and effectiveness.
We sometimes confuse actions with results. For instance, if we aim to spend more time in nature because we know it’s good for our well-being, we can make it happen by focusing on a creative project. This way, spending time in nature becomes a by-product of our creative play rather than a task itself. This is similar to physiotherapy, where the ultimate objective might be strengthening a specific body part, but “getting stronger” results from other actions. It can be helpful to think about aspirations for well-being in the same way. What if “getting out into nature” just happens because it’s where our creativity, relationships, and curiosity take us?
We talked about different ways creativity can help us connect with nature. From collecting materials for artistic endeavours and junk journaling to letting the imagination get sparked by natural patterns, shapes, and tones and allowing us to see the abundant and excessive beauty in the world around us. Noticing and observing the tendencies of life can be an antidote to the unnatural pressures from particular messages about efficiency, productivity, and control that we are taught to see as natural, where everything must have a measurable purpose, articulatable point, and a learning objective attached to make it worthy of attention and time.
So, how can we use creativity to explore the natural world around us?* Find as many faces as you can in the trees * Photograph the clouds and tell stories based on the shapes you see * Collect unique leaves as natural art supplies * Build a den or fort using found materials * Record the sounds of water or birds (listen back and notice what you didn’t notice in real-time) * Take close-up photos of things you’ve walked past a thousand times * Create handmade gifts using discarded treasures from the forest floor
Over to YouThese are just a few examples of the countless creative ways to engage with nature. Do you have any more to add?
The post Spend Time in Nature (and Other Unnecessary Self-Care Tips) appeared first on Andy Mort.
Adam Grant explores how our practice can lead to boreout in Hidden Potential. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I dive into this idea and reflect on the role of playfulness in maintaining our motivation with the things that matter most.
We consider the distinctions between burnout and boreout and delve into the contrast between obsession and passion. I ask how the demands and pace of hustle culture might lead to chronic boredom. We look at why we need not stress about discovering our purpose and passion despite the societal messages we are bombarded with.
“It is neither work nor play, purpose nor purposelessness that satisfies us. It is the dance between.”
– Bernard de Koven
Boreout is the emotional deadening you feel when you’re under-stimulated to the point of disconnection. But it might also occur when we are chronically overstimulated and unable to pause between life’s ceaseless bombardment of noise.
Practice and BoreoutBoreout is a phenomenon that often arises when we lose our sense of purposeful connection and intrinsic joy with the task at hand. When it comes to practice, it can turn into an obsessive slog rather than a meaningful journey towards progress and growth.
Deliberate play isn’t about avoiding work. It’s about shifting our mentality and seeing how potential can be reached sustainably by finding ways to playfully engage in practice, learning, and growth.
“You’re not supposed to enjoy it; it’s piano practice!”We fall into a trap with certain endeavours. We believe that practice ought to feel like a slog. This leads us to stories of forbidden fun. Some things are meant to feel like punishment.
However, Adam Grant refers to a study conducted on renowned concert pianists, which revealed most of them practised the piano for just an hour a day during their early years, and they weren’t raised by controlling and dominating drill sergeants. Their passion ignited, and their parents and teachers gave them the conditions to maintain their motivation and enthusiasm.
They practised, not because they had to, but because they were interested. They enjoyed working with teachers to explore the craft more; excited, engaged and wanted to learn, improve, and practice.
When we treat it as something we’ve just got to repeat and repeat, practice can lead to boreout. It can also extinguish passion and cause us to resent things that used to be exciting and joyful.
In the episode, I also explore:* Harmonious passion vs obsessive passion and which is more useful * How my drum teachers used deliberate play to keep me on track with my exams * Why a lack of creative coaching led me to quit a football team * Similarities between burnout and boreout * How it can be more relaxing to create than to do nothing * Why overstimulation can leave us bored and disconnected * The way algorithms overstimulate our senses with sameness – and how variety and difference are sources of energy and inspiration * Collective boreout through cultural drift * How uncertainty gives rise to creativity, passion, and play (and the danger of trying to avoid it) * And more…
Over to YouSo, what resonated for you in this episode? Leave a comment below or get in touch via social media or through my contact page.
The post 52 | Are You Suffering From Boreout? appeared first on Andy Mort.
Have you ever had a tranquil moment trampled on by strangers?
We’ve been exploring the phrase “I’m a hole, I’m not alone” as a creative play prompt in The Haven. As a group largely comprised of introverted and highly sensitive people, our conversation moved to thinking about holes as hiding places, nests, and sanctuaries. In other words, spaces with conditions for rest, connection, and growth away from strangers.
It’s not that strangers are bad. Some are, after all, friends we haven’t yet met. But we need conditions (moments/environments/rituals) that help us engage non-judgmentally with our creative spirit. And that’s a lot harder when our nervous system is busy working out who and what is safe to trust. We need places to explore and express our silly selves without worrying about what others will think.
Stranger DangerFor a highly sensitive temperament, the presence of others can adversely impact our engagement with an experience, situation, or activity. One of the original characteristics of the Highly Sensitive Person Test is, “When I must compete or be observed while performing a task, I become so nervous or shaky that I do much worse than I would otherwise.” It makes sense that the presence of an unusual observer is construed as a threat for the nervous system to respond to, mobilising flight/fight/freeze energy and maybe even withdrawal/shut down.
This is something I work on with many people. We need to find gentle ways to create conditions that work WITH and not against our nervous systems in “performance” situations. Whether we are being assessed, observed, or simply perceiving ourselves as being under scrutiny in everyday life, the added “threat” of an observer can make performing under pressure an even greater challenge than it already is.
Strangers in the SystemI felt an amusing surge of “strangers present” alertness kick in when I was in Lapland, and three strangers entered our gondola during a serene sunset journey up Ylläs. This activation isn’t easy to bring down when it arrives unexpectedly, even when, rationally, there is no need for it.
There was no genuine threat from these people. They are probably quite nice. But it changed the experience because my nervous system went from sensing safety (just the four of us in the cable car) to signalling danger (unexpected items in the bagging area). That shift meant I could no longer engage and express myself without running words and actions through my self-consciousness filter. It was fascinating to notice. I managed to channel it into comedy rage (which I was able to share later).
I describe the story here…
Many of the sensitive people I work with struggle with being observed. They can do something perfectly when practising in a low-stimulation environment. Yet, as soon as it feels like they’re being watched, their nervous system becomes protective and engages in the activated flight/fight/freeze energy. Or they shut down and withdraw from the situation altogether.
Maybe we can flip the characteristic around… “When I am in a spirit of acceptance and collaboration, I become more playful, creative, and able to do much better than I would otherwise.” This might help us consider what more favourable conditions would be for us. We need to get gondolas in place. Holes of stillness, solitude, and calm allow us to experiment, grow, and play without judgement. Away from noisy demands and pressures that can throw us off our course and onto someone else’s.
When we have nurturing, creative, non-judgemental sanctuaries, we are better able to respond when a stranger climbs in uninvited. Because they will, and when they do, we can roll our eyes, shake our heads, and laugh it off (eventually).
The post Are There Strangers in Your Gondola? appeared first on Andy Mort.
Humour is a VERY important sense. Without it, we risk taking ourselves so seriously that we lose all perspective. Our sense of humour is a core part of gentleness (firm back, soft front) because it allows us to move through the world with greater flexibility and openness.
We all have this sense! But it takes practice to remain humourously sensitised to the world around, within, and between us.
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I share a Haven Courtyard conversation I had towards the end of 2023 with Roxana Alexandru and Neil Hughes. We explored how we might use humour to befriend anxiety and the inner critic in helpful and healthy ways.
Rox helps people figure out ways to play with and change their relationship with debilitating social anxiety. She shares her experiments through Instagram and TikTok.
Neil wrote the book Walking on Custard & the Meaning of Life: A Guide for Anxious Humans. It contains an inspiring ongoing meta dialogue with his inner critic throughout.
Check out Neil’s website and watch his TEDx Talk (A new plan for anxious feelings: escape the custard!)
I love how both Rox and Neil relate to the voice of their inner critics, which is why I thought it would be fun to have them both on the same call…and I was right; it was!
In our conversation, they explained why they felt drawn to use humour to engage with their inner critic and what they’ve learned.
We Discuss Humour, Anxiety, Inner Critics, and…* How can we work on our relationship with the inner critic in light-hearted ways? * When is it better to be amused than anxious? * Experimental ideas to take control over the process so that the fear doesn’t gain power over you. * How Neil’s goal was to reach a point where he no longer needed to think/talk about anxiety. We explore how engaging with inner work as a temporary process (perhaps even obsession) can lead you to a light on the other side. * The link between custard and anxiety and how seeing it through this metaphor can help identify and reach more solid and desirable ground. * Situations and environments where social anxiety increases (and how to prepare/recover to avoid feedback loops) * The simple power of being interested (rather than worrying about being interesting) * The derailing fear of being misunderstood. * Why we can never be prepared enough for every potential eventuality and how Neil engages with that truth in creatively humorous ways * How scripting can help give a set of mental tools to draw on and use during times when we most need it * Creating deliberate awkward moments helps the brain lean into discomfort on our terms. * Why are our post-situational inner narratives often worse than the situations themselves – and how do we choose more favourable (and evidenced) narratives to believe? * The sound of our inner critic (is it a voice? A narrative? Or a flavour?) * How to relate to impostor feelings (or impostor syndrome) in a helpful and humourous way * The stories we tell ourselves about appearances and how judgements by those around us about those around us can become internalised * How do we gauge and measure progress with anxiety and the inner critic? And how do we recognise ways we have grown and are growing?
Over to YouDid you relate to any of the areas we covered in this conversation? Is there something related to humour, anxiety, and the inner critic that you would like me to explore more in the future?
Leave a comment below or send me a message.
The post 51 | Humour, Anxiety, and The Inner Critic (with Rox Alexandru and Neil Hughes) appeared first on Andy Mort.
Life coaching can be shrouded in confusion.
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I chat with Megan Malone, delving into the joys and challenges of coaching. Together, we dissect why some view it sceptically and explore avenues for life coaches to reverse the negative trends and misconceptions.
Megan is an International Coach Federation (ICF) certified coach and has a Master’s in Organisational Development. She sheds clear light on the nature of coaching and what to expect from working with a professionally accredited life coach.
The Perception of Life CoachingCoaching is plagued by numerous misconceptions, fuelling doubts and suspicions regarding its validity. Particularly in the wake of controversial instances like Escaping Twin Flames, The Dream (Season Three), and The Conspirituality Podcast (186: Coaches Coaching Coaches), where self-proclaimed coaches have been exposed for questionable and, at times, harmful practices.
It’s imperative to address these misconceptions because each of us should be in a position to make informed assessments about what we’re being sold in the name of coaching. For this we must foster greater awareness and comprehension of ethical practices.
Navigating the life coaching industry can be confusing, primarily due to its lack of regulation. Anyone can call themselves a coach without adhering to any particular standards. This ambiguity has sparked discussions calling for industry regulation to delineate more precise professional and ethical practices.
Nevertheless, organisations like the ICF provide clear guidance to affiliated practitioners. They mandate adherence to specific standards, ethics, and competencies. But for it to be truly effective, this type of voluntary self-regulation also requires a public awareness and understanding of what coaching is (and isn’t).
It is crucial to recognise how coaching differs from other helping interventions and understand its uniquely valuable purpose.
The Difference Between Coaching, Therapy, Mentoring, and ConsultingCoachingCoaching is a pathway to attaining a specific outcome or desired future state. A coach acts as a partner, guiding clients to make decisions for themselves and designing an intentional course for personal or professional growth.
TherapyTherapy and counselling focus on aiding clients in mental health recovery, processing past trauma, and healing emotional distress. They explore and address past pain that is hindering present and future well-being.
MentoringMentoring is guidance, teaching, and advice from someone more experienced in a particular field or role. Having traversed a similar path, a mentor imparts wisdom and support, focusing on skill and knowledge acquisition.
ConsultingConsulting addresses specific problems, challenges, or goals. A consultant will often observe and analyse a situation so they can offer expert suggestions, recommendations, and strategies for a person or organisation to implement.
Why is Life Coaching Unregulated?Coaching operates under the premise that clients are inherently whole and capable of making sound life decisions. The coach facilitates self-awareness through questioning and active listening, aiding clients in identifying obstacles, envisioning future desires, and formulating strategies for progress.
While regulated professions often require proven credentials, coaching’s focus on client responsibility and self-directed growth means it’s unlikely to become regulated. However, the rise of untrained coaches (and a wild west of coach training options) blurs the lines, with some assuming roles beyond their expertise, such as advising or diagnosing based solely on personal experience and interests.
ICF-affiliated training programs emphasise a coach’s role in guiding clients to find their own path rather than offering direct advice. This approach fosters motivation, reward, and confidence in clients’ decisions, challenging conventional notions of decision-making predicated on external validation.
In essence, coaching is an agreement entered into voluntarily by those who want to reach a desired future state. The partnership provides scaffolding to build momentum through change.
In our discussion, Megan and I delve into various aspects of coaching, including:
- Red flags that might indicate an poorly trained coach
- Parallels between life coach training programs and multilevel marketing
- The potential for regulatory measures at the training level
- Maintaining integrity while marketing oneself as a coach
- Insights into the potential future trajectory of coaching
- And more…
Connect with Megan: Instagram | TikTok | Website
Over to YouDid anything resonate with you in our conversation? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below or via social media.
The post 50 | Is Life Coaching Really Just a Scam? (with Megan Malone) appeared first on Andy Mort.
I’ve been looking for a new home on social media this year. Like many people, I’ve been nomadic regarding relaying my online foundations post-Twitter for a while. I might be approaching options like Goldilocks (too corporate, hostile, self-congratulatory, noisy, blah, etc). Maybe I’m being too picky.
Algorithms killed something in social media. When Twitter turned them on and changed the organic network into one with an ever-evolving monster with an insatiable appetite for our engaging “content”. No longer could we start conversations with those who followed us; we had to “earn attention” by being as appealing (provocative/emotional) as possible.
For some, the most frustrating aspect of social media algorithms is how hard it is to reach others. For me, it’s how hard it is to be reached by posts that give me a richly diverse range of reasons to be joyful and hopeful. The algorithms are often so sensitive to what they think we need that they overwhelm us with more of what we already have in our bowl.
Meaningful Connection Is Full of SurprisesIt’s like you’re at a buffet filled with diverse and unfamiliar foods. The Algorithm follows you and watches as you explore what’s on offer. Something piques your curiosity and catches your attention enough to make you pause. “I’ll give that a go”, you think, adding a spoonful to your bowl. The Algorithm clicks its fingers, and suddenly, the whole buffet table changes. Quick! He wants porridge. Fill the table with porridge!
Out in the kitchen, the creators are busy making porridge. “He loves porridge!” Each chef pours a bag of oats into their many pans. They all run out to fill the serving receptacles on the table. The one who gets there first (they’ve paid their monthly subscription for a super fast heating fire hob) says, “I see you have porridge…if you like porridge, you should try porridge”.
“But I have porridge”.
“Not like this porridge.”
“Yes, it looks just like the porridge in my bowl.”
A crowd of porridge creators emerges from the kitchen and marches towards you…“You’ll love porridge if you love porridge”.
“Well, yeah. You’re not saying anything!”
Suddenly, your desire for porridge fizzles out. “Enough already, I hate porridge!” You shout to get some peace…
“Ahem, excuse me”, a voice emerges from behind you. “If you hate porridge, you’ll love my anti-porridge porridge; join us in the stand against porridge.”
“What is it?” You ask curiously.
“Well”, they declare confidently…”it’s NOT porridge!”
Numbed By The AlgorithmThis is my biggest concern. Algorithms breed indifference and numbness through overexposure and productive commodification of everything. They’re training us to see social relations as transactional negotiations and sales pitches.
Algorithms make it hard because they overwhelm the senses with a compressed view of humanity. They deliver what they assume we want, taking us deeper into the Like Mind. But they can’t provide nuance, variety, or topics we have shown few previous references to or interest in. They are the complete opposite of an authentic social experience with strangers.
As someone who loves to connect dots and find unexpected creative corridors to explore, algorithms are a direct obstacle to creativity. They prevent the weird and wonderful combinations of disparate, unrelated forces from smushing together unexpectedly. They turn a beautifully diverse, contradictory, imperfect technicolour world full of collective potential into a monochromatic list of individuals trying to sell their services to people who sit in the same superficial boxes as us.
Maybe I’m hoping for the impossible, but I don’t want to live in a chamber that echoes with nothing but the sound of porridge.
Over to YouHave you found anywhere? I’d love to know!
The post The Algorithm is Porridge appeared first on Andy Mort.
After experiencing challenges with panic attacks, Aaron Espe figured out how to build a career that works for him. Aaron is currently a full-time songwriter based in Nashville Tennessee.
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I chat with Aaron about songwriting, creativity, and adapting to creative adversity.
I first heard his music in 2012 when I was presenting the music podcast, Lost on Radio. Aaron was our artist of the week with his track, Hanging By a Thread. I felt an instant connection to his sound and have been keeping a close ear on his work ever since.
His book, On Songwriting: Practical Tips and Insights from a Decade in Music City will be an important part of my reference library from now on. It’s a fantastic guide for anyone creating things to help rekindle focus, clarity, and a sense of possibility.
In our conversation, Aaron Espe and I discuss:* The importance of being adaptable and flexible in a creative career (and being unable to co-write songs led Aaron to write a book) * What inspired him to carve his own path rather than taking the conventional songwriting routes he was “supposed” to follow * The GPS Method and The Painting Method for writing songs (and which we naturally gravitate to) * Where inspiration comes from and processes for writing when it’s not there * The power of co-writing as a way to grow your skills and network * And much more…
The post 49 | Reflections From a Decade in Music City (with Aaron Espe) appeared first on Andy Mort.
Much of the mess and chaos we see around us in contemporary discourse stems from our relationship with rules. And some of the frustrations we might experience when it comes to making meaningful changes in life are underpinned by how we hold the seen and unseen rules in our lives.
Humans love to know the rules. As a social species, it makes sense. They are a vital part of our deep biological operating system. They give us information and filters necessary for safety and survival. Many are unspoken, but you’ll soon know if you break them.
Our intrinsic desire for rules is also big business. Our bookshelves and social media feeds are full of them.
We want rules for life, advice on how to live, and commandments for success, creativity, and even punks.
Rules are (Not) Meant to Be BrokenThe creative human spirit flourishes through our relationship with rules. When we have a healthy relationship with them, rules become tangible boundaries to bend, play with, question, and push back on, if necessary, to find better options and possibilities following their purpose.
They become the points of friction we rub along with to discover who we are and what makes us tick.
Our Rules Concerning RulesIf we relate to them from a state of healthy connection, rules give us a license to grow in creative and innovative ways. We choose how to engage with them. We might accept them, push back against them, use and build on them, or find alternative ways to address the issue they are created for.
On the other hand, if we have an unhealthy relationship with rules, they become existential threats or unquestionable protectors. Commands to subvert or follow, no matter what. You probably know people who fall on one end of this or the other. Either they reject anything perceived as a higher authority telling them what to do, or they can’t function without knowing exactly how to act, what to wear, and who to judge for getting it wrong.
We might have inadvertently developed some rules when it comes to the rules:
- Rules are bad – They are there to control us – break them to stay free
- Rules are good – They are there for a reason, and even if we disagree with them, they should be followed because authority is authority
Both reflect a hierarchical way of structuring the social order in our mind. Viewing our status through comparative competition against others, we see people less as people and more as symbols of the position or identity they represent. Our self-concept depends on us knowing where we sit relative to others. We might think of this as an adaptive social survival mechanism.
This vertical (hierarchical) social perspective makes mindless rule-breaking or indiscriminate compliance a go-to defence pattern. Different sides of the same coin stemming from our biological imperative for safety. To fight or flee from authoritarian control (a threat to my freedom) or something to go along with to remain inconspicuous.
Contrarianism and ComplianceSometimes, a person might say they’re looking for rules to follow. But a pattern soon emerges, where they resist and reject anything resembling a “rule”. They are stuck in a loop, looking for rules to help them escape their current frustration, but unable to settle on a path for long before it becomes something against which to rebel. It feels like a looming authority figure backing them into a corner. They are often master self-saboteurs because they shut the door on progress at the slightest whiff of feeling told what to do, even if the person telling them what to do is themselves.
Other people might move in the opposite direction, looking for the correct way to do everything. Their creative muscles become stiff, and they might experience a conflict between what they want (to express and explore themselves and the world creatively) and what they seek (blueprints and instructions to avoid getting it wrong). Rules for writing? They can often become very successful but might give all their time and energy to things they don’t care about, believe in, or have any passion for.
Constructing, Deconstructing, and Reconstructing The Rule BookRules help us grow. Not because they’re correct. But because they give us scaffolding around which to build.
In a world without rules, we will create them.
- They provide tracks for momentum with a community’s vision, values, and needs.
- They give us a pathway to follow to achieve a specific outcome.
- They allow creativity to rise and reconnect with the progressive spirit in the foundations of orthodoxy (i.e. how current rules started as ideas that transcended old dogmas).
I wonder if we have entered another dogmatic chapter in history, where many people seek leaders, movements, and organisations to give us rules to follow. This could be interpreted as an explicit desire for certainty in an uncertain world. Or a need for moral guidance in a world where integrity and social conscience are lacking in leadership.
But our quest for rigid rules and someone or something to tell us how to live and what to think could also be understood as a quiet call from the creative spirit within. The part of us needs rules to connect with ourselves, one another, and the future more meaningfully and creatively. We want to move forward; for that to happen, we need rules to lean against, resist, and break.
Without rules, we become groundless. We lose the conditions for meaningful progress.
But it’s not all good news for those who love creating and enforcing rules they think people should follow. Your rules are helpful because we get to explore, bend, and break them. Some are timeless, others will work well, at least for now. And some provide a catalyst for innovation and change. Your rule book may become outdated very soon. That’s just the nature of the rules.
We All Need Something To Rail AgainstWhen they’re doing it healthily, formative authority figures understand their role in this process. For example, parents, teachers, community elders, and politicians ought to be willing to be disliked by those they are responsible for. They reinforce rules even if it makes them unpopular. They recognise their responsibility to raise the next generation of critical thinkers and well-functioning subjective individuals by presenting regulations and, without saying it out loud, encouraging room for them to be played with and perhaps even broken.
We can’t underestimate the importance of rebelliousness growing up. Holes in the system that allow us to bend and break specific rules. For healthy growth to occur, those in charge quietly want us to find these sites of transgression to find more of who we are.
Rules Provide Friction For GrowthIt’s not helpful to be told, “Do what you want” without limits. There are no points of friction that allow character and personality to be formed in a healthy way. This might transform into a quest for dogmatic moral frameworks to categorise the world and carve a sense of self-identity.
It’s not helpful to be told, “Do what I say, don’t question my authority, I’m correct no matter what”, without reason or explanation. Our self-concept is under the shadow of an authority that moulds us into (and reproduces through us) its likeness. We might subconsciously turn this on its head and fall into indiscriminate patterns of rebellion and cynicism, making us insufferable to others.
In some ways, coaching is about raising awareness about our relationship with rules. What are the patterns we follow without thought or question? Why do we reach a point where we can never break the resistance? What rules have we set about ourselves, our potential, and the pool of options we must limit ourselves to when crafting and carving the future?
Over to youWhat is your relationship like with rules? Do you tend to see rules and want to break them? Or do you tend to see rules to follow? Maybe it depends on the context.
The post Why Do We Love Rules So Much? appeared first on Andy Mort.
This week I want to share some notes I wrote to myself after reflecting on how my relationship with people pleasing and criticism has changed through ten years running The Haven.
2024 is The Haven’s tenth anniversary and I’ve been thinking about some of the lessons I’ve learned during that time. Join me on Instagram for more reflections. I’m also exploring Threads to see how it feels. If you’re on there, I’d love to connect – I’m here if you are.
If you want to create, lead, or build things involving other people, these notes might resonate…
On Letting Go and Ending WellSome people are after things you can’t or don’t want to provide. Have the courage to let go, even if it means losing them for now.
Point them to more appropriate and helpful solutions for their needs where possible.
If you end these relationships well, they will remember how you made them feel. That memory may prompt them to return down the line.
People naturally come and go. Don’t take it personally when they choose to move on. Don’t fight to cling on. Just think of it as the right time (even if you DON’T believe it’s the right time).
On Wanting To Be LikedNot everything you do will appeal to everyone. People have different needs, desires, and learning styles. If you try second-guessing and mitigating every potential response (and complaint) to every little thing, you risk watering things down and speaking to no one.
Marmite tastes great to the people who love it.
On Receiving Feedback (and Criticism)Be specific when asking for feedback. Know what you’re asking for and why. What do you want to improve or grow as a result? Is feedback going to help or hinder you?
Be aware when receiving unsolicited feedback.
Be clear about what you don’t need to hear right now (it might be helpful, but it may also derail progress at this stage).
On ListeningPay attention and express a genuine interest in people. Everyone has a story to tell. But not everyone (especially interesting people) is forthcoming in divulging everything unless you carve out meaningful time with them.
You can’t begin to understand unless you actively listen.
The community is a hive of wisdom. You don’t have all the answers and don’t need to.
You are facilitating space for people to explore, collaborate, and create.
On Rejecting Criticism (Without Rejecting People)Criticism can help you see blind spots, but it also allows you to recognise things you DON’T want to change, pursue, or build. Sometimes, core values only become apparent when someone says you should do things differently.
Identify internal resistance and ask yourself what it’s telling you.
If someone’s words spark a defensive reaction in you, leave as much time as possible between the stimulus and your response.
Sometimes, resistance is a doorway to truth. Other times, it’s telling you to ignore the loudest voices in the room. Practice listening and noticing.
And practice letting go of unhelpful criticism without rejecting and dehumanising the critic.
On CommunicationKeep the lines of communication open and facilitate a sense of safety so that people know it’s okay to make mistakes, get things wrong, and express their uncertainties.
Safety includes the freedom to leave at any time and knowing how to do that.
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou
Over to YouDo any of these points speak to you? Any that you would add to your own list? I’d love to hear in the comments below or via social media.
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When setting out on a new endeavour or goal, the advice we often get is to start small and grow from there. It makes sense because we can naturally get ahead of ourselves. Either we are trying to run before we can walk, worrying about bridges further down the river, or frustratingly comparing ourselves with those who have more experience and skill.
But there’s an issue with the idea of starting small; it can sometimes trip us up. It holds an implicit assumption that we should always be aiming big.
We celebrate ambition for scaling up, expanding, and shooting for the stars.
A quick search reveals synonyms for “scale-up” like flourishing, thriving, prospering, succeeding, and soaring. Scaling down is replaced by depreciating, diminishing, devaluing, and limiting. Whether or not we mean it, there is a value judgement there. Aiming for bigger is a sign of strength, and aiming for smaller is shameful.
These are interesting things to consider when living a life of meaning and quality.
How often have we seen scaling up bring a depreciation of product and service quality, a downgrade of materials and care from artisanal craftsmanship to manufacturing, and a blandification of ideas when outsourcing to those who aren’t connected to it in any meaningful sense? And those who have experienced mainstream success pining to return to the essence and simplicity of their treasured craft. The lesson is be aware of what you’re wishing for and consider alternative definitions of success that give you what you actually want.
Lessons From Norma’s Double R DinerThis is one of the gentle threads in Twin Peaks: The Return, in which Norma Jennings, the owner of the iconic Double R Diner, has turned it into a franchise. There are now several branches of Norma’s Double R around Washington State, which are all more successful than the flagship diner (i.e. they make more money). Norma’s soon-to-be ex-business (and romantic) partner, Walter, tries convincing her to source cheaper ingredients and change the recipes for the pies in her original diner to make them easier to mass-produce. Much to Walter’s confusion and anger, Norma refuses to follow his advice and asks him to buy her out of the franchises so she can focus on running the core diner and spending time with the people she loves.
The Double R makes enough money, and Norma takes great pride in the food she creates and serves. It nourishes the stomachs and souls of all who pass through.
Although we don’t see it on screen, it’s easy to imagine the start of this journey. The Walter’s of the world say, “Start small with one diner, and then you can scale up from there”. But what if one diner is enough? Why would more diners make things better? What compromises would need to be made?
It’s a retelling of the fisherman and the banker where the logical fallacy at the heart of indiscriminate scaling leads us back to the start. The wisdom gained from growing big is the desire to return to smaller and simpler for a more meaningful life.
Growth Is Not LinearOf course, aiming high and scaling up isn’t innately bad. That’s not my point here. In fact, suggesting big is bad ends up with the same problem in reverse. But I would love to see the same appreciation for aiming deep and planning to keep things small. How would it look for aiming small to be a legitimate and respected choice?
Perpetual linear scale is unnatural. The laws of nature mean things don’t keep getting bigger indefinitely. But growth changes its complexion once it peaks. It might look like deeper wisdom, maturity, support, acceptance, and gentleness as the physical body wears, tears, and falls apart.
Big = Best is a Self-Limiting BeliefIn coaching conversations, I sometimes see this self-limiting belief. Except it’s rarely recognised as such. In fact, we often think of limiting beliefs as causing us to aim too small with our dreams.
Can we start small, aim small, and remain small without compromising the integrity of what we do? Can we aim small with profound freedom and ambition? Maybe growing something simple, small, and inconspicuously successful IS the big dream.
It sounds counter-intuitive to see aiming big as a limiting belief. Everything in the personal and business development world points in the other direction regarding allowing yourself to grow and prosper. But this is something worth examination and scrutiny. Is this kind of perpetual “up-and-to-the-right” mindset a belief that limits our ability to imagine a simpler, smaller, and more sustainable future?
Many conversations I’ve experienced suggest this could be true. There is often a desire beneath the noise of the culturally ingrained message of scaling up at all costs to keep things small, simple, and meaningful.
We’ve all seen scale, size, and growth ruin good things. It encourages organisations to skimp on important elements like customer service, quality ingredients, and maintaining deep knowledge and craftsmanship in employees. So, what if we had some different ways of measuring the value of our endeavours?
Maybe finding a way to do small sustainably is a more effective path for you. Perhaps you not only want to start small but to aim and remain small, too. This is not a flaw or failure. But it might require some fundamental rewiring when it comes to the normalised and naturalised cultural messages about the limits of aiming small.
Starting Small Case By CaseTo reiterate, it’s not that we shouldn’t want to scale up and make big things. But we should know why we want those things, and pursuing them should be our choice rather than our default.
For many of us, the idea of growing too big can actually stop us from starting. I’ve felt this tension in my music ambitions over the years and it’s been a question for me when it comes to running The Haven. I don’t want it to get so big that I don’t know every member who wants to be known by name. I don’t want it to get so big that I have no capacity to be present in the live happenings and forums.
So, what if “aiming small” could be our objective from the beginning? How would that change our relationship with our goals and projects? What could it make possible?
Here are some questions I’ve found helpful for considering the state of our ambition with particular goals and projects.
What does growth mean…* To you? * To your idea? * To the world?
The cost of growing too big…* To you? * To your idea? * To others? * To the wider world?
The cost of staying small…* To you? * To your idea? * To others? * To the wider world?
A payoff from aiming big…* To you? * To your idea? * To others? * To the wider world?
A payoff from aiming small…* To you? * To your idea? * To others? * To the wider world?
If any of this rings true and you’d like to spend time untangling it with me, you can book a Pick The Lock call. We will explore your relationship with growth and peel back layers around your ambition for a particular project/goal or in life more widely. Learn more here.
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We’re at the start of a new year. A time when many are thinking about projects, habits, and changes they want to focus on next.
Whenever we seek advice on making a change, we’re never far from a coach willing to help. But coaching has become a confusing and mysterious mixed bag. So I thought it might help to share some potential red flags to look out for if you’re considering it this year.
Growing Awareness of Bad Coaching PracticesHave you noticed that everyone seems to be a “life coach” these days?
Investigative documentaries, articles, and podcasts have started highlighting certain bad practices to look out for in the industry.
Conspirituality released an episode examining emotional exploitation and parallels with multilevel marketing schemes of certain programs that train coaches to become coaches who coach coaches to be coaches. Season 3 of The Dream dives into similar topics in more depth. Online streaming platforms have an ever-growing library of shows exposing abuses in the name of coaching, such as “Escaping Twin Flames“.
The Closest Thing To Regulation in The Coaching IndustryWhile still not perfect, reputable coaching bodies take great care to develop standards and core competencies that keep coaches and coachees as safe as possible amid the lack of official regulation. For coaches and coach training programs that are accountable to and assessed by associations like the International Coaching Federation (ICF), there is a level of professionalism and knowledge demanded of those who pursue accredited certifications.
There are well-defined, concrete explanations about what you can expect from working with a coach. While every coach has a different personal and professional approach, and will develop the most effective ways of working with particular people, the basic scaffold of coaching is necessarily solid.
But loose definitions and ambiguous understandings of coaching can confuse those exploring the field as a means of support. This can lead to misconceptions and a lack of awareness about what to look for and avoid when searching for a coach.
What IS Coaching?Building on the ICF’s definition, coaching is a thoughtful and creative partnership between coach and coachee that inspires them to explore the possibilities. It helps unlock sources of imagination and resourcefulness to overcome external challenges and inner obstacles to desired outcomes. It is focused on creating a practical pathway for a future-oriented objective.
Coaching is not about fixing, advising, or training. Coaching is a specialist skill in and of itself. It’s not about telling someone what to do or imparting knowledge. It’s built on structured conversations that require trust and collaboration to serve an intentionally articulated purpose.
The documentaries and exposés often highlight practices that insidiously and explicitly contradict these core coaching principles.
Red Flags to Look Out For When Choosing a CoachIf you’re looking to make a change in your life and could use professional support to help you find focus, motivation, and the right path forward, working with a trained coach is a great option. However, not all coaches are equal, and I’ve compiled a list of red flags based on my observations and conversations with others who have horror stories from the so-called coaches they’ve encountered.
Funnels, Systems, and PromisesBe suspicious of any coach guaranteeing a specific result. “Get Rich Quick” is always tempting, especially when delivered in an attractive location with charisma and confidence. If it sounds too easy to be true, it almost certainly is. If their bio says “I’ll Help You Grow a 7-figure Business”, proceed with caution.
The question to ask ourselves is, who wants me to believe this is easy? And what’s in it for them if I buy the belief?
Selling You a New ProblemIf you woke up today without the problem you are suddenly considering hiring a coach for or buying their course to solve it, stop. You don’t need it, and it’s not a problem. Just go back in time and forget you ever came across them.
AdviceOne of the biggest misconceptions of coaching is that a coach will tell you what to do. It is a red flag if someone sees coaching as sharing “the secret” to success and advising you how to do the same as them. This might be helpful in certain teaching, training, or mentoring contexts, but it is not coaching.
An expert coach has first and foremost become skilled in the art of person-centred coaching. A good coach will be able to coach you around anything, even if your goal/project/challenge is outside of their field of knowledge. In fact, too much knowledge can sometimes be a hindrance because the temptation to give advice and cast judgement might derail the conversation.
Obsession With External MeasuresWhile it might feel like we want to shift “up and to the right”, this is meaningless if we are disconnected from meaningful projects and pursuits. In other words, intrinsic motivations. A good coach will help you explore creatively energising ways to stay motivated on the path towards personally compelling outcomes.
A Vertical Relationship StructureThe idea that a coach should be better, more successful, knowledgable, or advanced than the coachee is misleading. You are forming a partnership, which exists in service of the coaching agreement (the goal they are supporting you to move towards through focused and constructive coaching conversations that lead you to take purposeful action between sessions).
You may choose a coach who has done what you want to do or who you consider more “successful”, but that shouldn’t be instilled or perpetuated by the coach. They should help you find a compelling path and connect with your approach to accomplishing your desired outcome, which will ultimately look different from theirs.
Therapy Speak and Empty PhrasesWhat will the coach actually do with you? What will working together look like? Can they explain what coaching is (and isn’t)? Walk away if they use therapy speak and claim they will help with mental health conditions. It’s also a big red flag if someone uses their “lived experience” as evidence of their coaching abilities. See also, giving advice and the potential danger of believing you know what it’s like to walk in another person’s shoes.
Pressure To Act NowIf you feel rushed into signing up with a coach, it’s a red flag. False scarcity marketing tactics work because they mobilise our sympathetic nervous system and force us to act quickly to mitigate the danger of missing out. Create filters you are unwilling to compromise on, such as a cooling off period before making a decision. If the coach doesn’t allow that or they attempt coercing you by putting up the price if you delay your decision, just walk away.
A Selection ProcessLikewise, if a coach uses a selection process, it’s more than likely a marketing tactic. They ask you to apply and will let you know if your application is successful. If it IS successful (which it usually is), you might feel special, chosen, and like you shouldn’t squander the chance to spend tens of thousands of dollars on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Be aware of the feelings evoked through processes like this.
Again, take as much time as you need before making a decision. If they tell you “your place is about to be taken by someone else” you can decline the offer.
A Lack of ConnectionYou won’t click with every coach. That’s normal. But if they deliberately control rapport, employ a “cruel to be kind” approach, or actively create disconnection…it’s a red flag. A coach isn’t there to control or coerce you. They are not there to make you feel bad about yourself. Their job is to support you in an environment conducive to your nervous system feeling safe enough for you to think with openness and creativity.
Likewise, if they test your commitment by manipulating you (“I charge more than you are comfortable paying so that you take the process seriously and do the work”), it is a red flag. Unless they give you that money back at the end, it’s just an excuse for emotional extortion.
Blurred BoundariesIf the coaching is part of a group or community, does it feel like you must adopt specific values and beliefs to belong? Does the community support the temporary coaching scaffold (one you have a clear destination for), or do you sense your autonomy being lost to the tribal identity?
If you feel like you can’t exist without the group, it’s a red flag. A healthy community will expand your sense of possibility and potential beyond its walls rather than making you feel like you can’t function outside of it.
No Clear End PointIf you don’t have a clear idea of where you are going, you might find yourself in a web that becomes a life support machine. Coaching is a tool for a specific purpose. Whether that’s a particular goal or project, or it’s to untangle the chaos of a busy life, there should always be a north star towards which you are heading.
If a coach keeps presenting endless upsells and reasons for you to keep working together, it’s a red flag.
Questions To Ask Before Working With a CoachBefore choosing a coach, it’s a good idea to ask yourself some questions:
- What specific outcome are you looking to achieve with a coach?
- Where did this desire come from? (i.e. was it manufactured through marketing, or is it something you’ve been considering for a while?)
- What style coaching do you need? (when you think back to people who have helped you untangle thoughts, get motivated on essential things, and find a way to take action, what connected for you in their approach?
Questions to ask yourself when speaking with a potential coach:* How do you feel when speaking with this person? * What tells you that you can trust them? * Do you feel pressured to make a quick decision? (e.g. are they using false scarcity tactics like limited-time offers or spaces) * Do you feel safe to ask questions and learn more about their coaching philosophy, approach, and history?
Questions to ask the prospective coach before agreeing to work with them:* What is your coaching experience?
* What is your coach-specific training?
* What is your coaching philosophy?
* What are some of your coaching success stories
(i.e., specific examples/case studies)?
* Are you insured and a member of a reputable coaching body? (you can verify whether or not a coach is an ICF member)
I am a big advocate of the coaching process. It is a beautiful way to explore our many human potentials. This is why I felt compelled to take the time to write this piece. Because I hate seeing people exploit others, and I would love to see people become more critically informed about what coaching is and isn’t. Otherwise, we may simply end up cynically disengaged from the whole thing.
Can you add any red flags to the list from your observations and experiences?
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I’ve always felt uneasy about the use of “superpower” to describe high sensitivity.
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, Scott Barry Kaufman and I talk about recent research indicating a shift in cultural frames around sensory processing sensitivity and potential issues with portraying high sensitivity as a superpower.
Sensitivity is a “Beautiful and Complex Trait”Rather than being a “superpower”, Scott points out, sensory processing sensitivity is a beautiful and complex trait underpinning the survival strategy for 20%-30% of humans and has been found in over 100 species so far.
There have been some interesting (and challenging) studies in the past couple of years looking at portrayals of sensitivity in Western culture. Last year, Scott wrote an article for Psychology Today responding to a study examining links between high sensitivity and vulnerable narcissism.
Signalling Sensitivity He wrote another piece highlighting research into how some people misappropriate the trait of high sensitivity to seek certain benefits. This research found “zero correlation between sensory processing sensitivity and signalling high sensitivity.” In other words, between those with the trait and those who make unreasonable demands using the trait as an excuse.
This research found “zero correlation between sensory processing sensitivity and signalling high sensitivity.” In other words, between those with the trait and those who make demands using the trait as an excuse. For example…
- Asking for privileges because of sensitivity
- Receiving special treatment because of sensitivity
- Requesting help because of sensitivity
- Avoiding penalties because of sensitivity
- Blaming mistakes on sensitivity
- Telling people how hard life is because of sensitivity
Most of the highly sensitive people I’ve talked to about this list recoil in discomfort at the idea of using their sensitive trait in this way. Especially if it involves making a fuss, receiving special treatment, or requiring others to go above and beyond just for us.
The Potential of SensitivityScott writes, “A beautiful and complex trait has become co-opted by some people as a victim-signalling strategy– “a public and intentional expression of one’s disadvantages, suffering, oppression, or personal limitations.” Indeed, recent research suggests that victim signalling is becoming increasingly prevalent in our society and can be viewed as an expression of a “culture of victimhood” in which claiming to be a victim isn’t in the service of receiving help and assistance for a genuine disadvantage but instead becomes something actually desirable and fashionable in itself.”
I believe highly sensitive people have a powerful role to play in the collective potential of humanity. When combined with genuine empathy and compassion, sensitivity senses what needs to be sensed. It feels deeply for the whole and seeks ways to connect rather than drive apart.
About Scott Barry KaufmanScott Barry Kaufman is a humanistic psychologist exploring the depths of human potential. He received his PhD in cognitive psychology from Yale University and an M.Phil in experimental psychology from Cambridge. He has taught courses on intelligence, creativity, and well-being at Columbia, NYU, and the University of Pennsylvania.
Scott is the author of Ungifted, Wired To Create, Transcend, and Choose Growth. He hosts The Psychology Podcast. In 2015, he was named one of “50 Groundbreaking Scientists who are changing the way we see the world” by Business Insider.
Visit Scott’s website to learn more.
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While it’s not a “Christmas Song”, I felt compelled to release Still Time during the festive season because there’s just something about it.
My friend Peter seems to agree: “Big-hearted and tender loveliness for a December evening (and probably other months and times of day too, but this feels like a particularly good time for it)”.
So this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast is (not) a festive bonus.
When asked what they would do if tomorrow were their last day on Earth, many said they would hang out by a lake or up a mountain to view the sunrise alone or with loved ones. There is still time (and appetite) to play, write, and create. They are drawn to familiar places and sensory experiences (meaningful tastes, sounds, smells, sights, and physical touch).
I was somewhat surprised at the lack of bucket list activities and final thrills. There was a real sense of “return” in the responses. I suppose there might be something about the imminence of finality that draws us toward simplicity. Grounded where we are. The reality we can reach out and touch. An invitation to look around us right now, where we are, and allowing this to be enough and recognising that this IS enough.
Weirdly, no one said they would spend the day on social media arguing with, provoking, or showing off to strangers on the internet. It’s almost as if that stuff isn’t that meaningful when push comes to shove.
Not a Christmas Episode and Not a Christmas SongWhile Still Time is not a “Christmas song”, these themes certainly resonate with my understanding of this time of year.
For many, there is a bittersweet melancholy associated with the festive season. There are reminders of what and who is no longer with us. We experience folded page memories that bring flavours of days gone into the present. We might reflect on another year gone and anticipate, wonder, hope, or dread the year to come.
In this episode:* I share some ideas I discussed in last week’s live Haven Courtyard. * I explore the ways Rapid Response caught my attention and how I approached the piece I contributed to the exhibition. * We unpack the creative process behind Still Time (including some embarrassing voice notes) * I talk about why songwriting is such a magical, mysterious, and utterly normal thing for me.
Still Time by Andy MortThe post 46 | It Is (Not) a Christmas Song appeared first on Andy Mort.
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I sit down with artist Ben Cowan who kindly invited me into his kitchen for a chat about “Art That Makes You Think”. Through his visual satire, Ben adds dark and comedic twists to many of the familiar logos, brands, and packaging that have become part of our cultural furniture.
I first encountered Ben earlier this year at the Spark-Ignite symposium at the Royal Spa Centre in Leamington. He appeared on a panel called “Creativity Against The Odds” and shared his fascinating artist origin story. His philosophical outlook grabbed my attention, so I was keen to follow up and invite him onto the podcast.
About BenBen spent many years working as a disaster relief specialist in war-torn countries. He says that he found it hard to process what stood for ‘normal life’ when he returned. Without the urgent sense of physical threat, the threat of normal life took on a different form of existential threat. He describes this as a catalyst for him to create art that makes people think but also laugh.
Art That Makes You Think (and Laugh)I often reflect on the role of art in our individual and collective lives. Sometimes, it needs to provoke and prod us out of numbing slumbers. It can teach us to feel, call us to action, and connect us with a deeper sense of meaning.
In recent years, I’ve noticed a tendency towards people creating art that tries telling us WHAT to think. Ben holds up a mirror to the propagandistic properties of art with an agenda.
He is inspired by Yuval Noah Harari, who talks about the Four C’s. Collaborate, Communicate, Critical Thinking, and Creativity, are core characteristics of a successful society. Art is a crucial part of engaging us in HOW to think. It helps us explore WHY we think what we think. And gives us awareness of the influences (and noise) that contributes to our beliefs and opinions, so we can hold them to more cast-iron scrutiny.
In our conversation, we discuss:* The relationship between art and thought – what is “art that makes you think”? * The role art plays in exploring ‘the good life’ * Our cultural and creative “elders” (figures who have had a profound long-term influence on us as artists and human beings) * AI, creativity, and human connection * Doppelganger – Naomi Klein’s book about the Mirror World * The artist in each of us – the difference between the commercially viable self and the creatively curious self…is it possible to encounter ourselves outside of the capitalist system?
Explore Ben’s work through his website: www.artthatmakesyouthink.com. Check out his ‘Ideas Worth Wearing’ shop on Redbubble. Ben also writes a regular blog: BEN TALKS – Ideas Worth Sharing. Follow him on Instagram.
Links/Resources Mentioned in The Conversation:Sapiens (Yuval Noah Harari)
Bill Hicks in London
No Logo (Naomi Klein)
Doppelganger (Naomi Klein)
The Courage To Be Disliked (Kishimi and Koga)
How This AI Image Won a Major Photography Competition
The Big Issue: The brave new world of AI therapy
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James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, Tweeted, “Life is short. And if life is short, then moving quickly matters. Launch the product. Write the book. Ask the question. Take the chance. Be thoughtful, but get moving.”
It caught my attention because it floated into my feed during the Rapid Response art exhibition at the LTB Showrooms in Coventry. It resonated with the visual-sound collage I contributed to the collection, which explored nervous system responses to cultural ideas around time scarcity.
The Autonomic Nervous System and The Story That “Life is Short”If we’re in an autonomic state of connection, this message might feel like a positive invitation to take action on a meaningful thing. If we’re in a protective state, we might interpret it as an urgent threat requiring immediate action.
How does the current state of your nervous system respond to the essence of this message?
The story is instinctively familiar. We don’t need to be told that life is finite and time is short.
If we’re in a regulated autonomic state, we might feel a warm buzz of energy at the thought of making progress on meaningful pursuits. But telling ourselves “we must act because life is short and we’re running out of time” might not be the best way to access this state. In fact, it might send us into a spiral of anxiety and foggy restlesssness.
“Act now because life is short” can narrow our lens on the world and limit our ability to think creatively. It primes us for reactive, impulsive choices that promise us safety from the threat of time. It doesn’t matter which direction we go, just as long as we don’t stop moving. The need to “be thoughtful” is drowned out by the noise of existential urgency.
The Fuel of UrgencyMany of us have been trained to use the fuel of urgency to motivate action. But when we do, we can lose the ability to pause, check, and intentionally choose the best way to proceed. The pause to check is a core survival function of a highly sensitive nervous system. This trait has evolved with many species, including humans, to help co-regulate the collective nervous system and prioritise conditions for social safety, innovation, and creative exploration.
A well-regulated nervous system also sends biological cues of safety to others. This is contagious and spreads within a group. Acceptance and belonging allow us to connect with our senses and perceive the world within, around, and between us with openness and awareness.
It is from this state of co-regulated stillness where the parasympathetic nervous system permits the body to rest and digest.
We are creatures of rhythm. There is time for action and time for stillness. Time to move and time to pause. Time to react quickly and time to respond slowly.
“It’s Better To Be Wrong Than To Be Still”One response to James Clear’s tweet stood out above the rest. It read, “It’s better to be wrong than to be still.”
As you might imagine, these words left me scratching my head. What does it mean? “Don’t think, just do…something…anything”? “It doesn’t matter as long as you don’t pause”? To be honest, I’m still unsure. But, yikes!
It strikes me as the mantra of this world we’ve hurtled towards and find ourselves trying to make sense of today.
Perhaps it’s the reason we rarely pause to check in with what our sensory sensitivities and neurological perceptions are telling us. Other responses to the tweet seem to reinforce this. One person wrote, “A sense of urgency is a prerequisite to success”. That was another head scratcher. I would argue just as easily that a sense of urgency is also a prerequisite to failure. So definitely not a one-size-fits all philosophy for life.
Why are so many people afraid of slowing down and resting our urgent spirits?
When It Feels Safer To PanicMaybe it’s what Deb Dana describes as the draw to our “home away from home”, where we gravitate to the draining familiarity of a defensive autonomic state (sympathetic fight/flight or dorsal shutdown). When this happens, our nervous system might take some strange comfort from the world feeling urgent, hostile, and like a zero-sum competition.
In fact, some people appear relieved when they find permission to reside in this home away from home. For example, when gifted a celebrity scandal to be outraged by, a moral panic to buy into (or rail against), a trending rabbit hole of information to fall into, hoard, and become consumed by.
Perhaps we have become disconnected from our natural social instincts, leading us to perceive the world as urgent, hostile, and ultra-competitive. This story becomes ingrained to the extent that time itself feels like a monster to control and dominate. We view the brevity of life as an enemy to overcome with productivity hacks and indiscriminate efficiency targets.
In other words, we fall under the tyranny of scarcity, where we lose ourselves in an anxious pursuit of striving, grasping, and clinging to something that is forever slightly out of reach. Manufacturing, creating, and producing conditions that are fuelled and sustained by urgency.
The modern world can overwhelm us with noise and distractions, but we don’t have to let it. Gentle rebellion questions and pushes against stories of coercion, manipulation, and power over nature that disconnect us from ourselves.
More Stillness, Slowness, and Depth are a Good Approach Because Life is ShortTo pick out some of the responses that gave my nervous system some creatively mobilising energy, “Sure, life is short, so maybe we should slow down and experience it.”
“But also, since life is short, take it slower. Cherish the current moments in your life and know that things aren’t as serious as they seem.”
Life is short. Don’t rush it. Savour the flavours, colours, and textures when they arrive. Move towards but don’t force before its time. Begin with the knowledge that today is enough. If this is where it ends, we are already there. Complete. Maybe everything else from here on in is simply an unfolding adventure.
Be a place of stillness in the ebb and flow of the collective nervous system. Co-regulate. Create. Encourage. See this moment in the bigger picture. See the bigger picture within this moment. It’s all we have. Now.
Striving is a rupture in time. When we tear ourselves from where we are, we relocate beyond the reach of the perpetual present. Stillness brings connection. A seasoned through-line perimeter. Cyclical and linear. Straight and curved. A rhythm that moves, carries, and returns. Who we are, where we are, back to where we’re going.
Maybe today is the day to begin that project, send that message, write that book. Perhaps this is the perfect chance to take that chance. But only if you’re feeling the hum. The buzz. The creative energy of possibility. Otherwise, today might be the day to rest. To be still. To co-regulate together. No demands, pressures, or expectations.
Today doesn’t need to be productive. It doesn’t need to be remarkable or memorable.
That doesn’t mean it won’t be.
But we won’t know until we know. And by then, who knows…
Still TimeStill Time was inspired by responses to the question, “If tomorrow was your last day on earth, what would you choose to do (or not do)?“. Listen to the song here.
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After turning a building due for demolition into a creative community space in the centre of Coventry, Alan Denyer had an epiphany. People aren’t actually all that boring. He’s a changed man. And a delightful guy! It was a joy to spend an hour chatting about the importance of accessible spaces for creativity and art in any community.
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, you will hear my conversation with Alan, which we recorded in the Long Gallery of the LTB Showrooms in Coventry. And I share my new single, Still Time. The song was written and recorded as part of the Rapid Response exhibition at the end of October 2023.
Alan’s approach to the LTB Showrooms resonates with my creative spirit.
In our conversation we talk about:* The creative things you can do with physical spaces * How passion sustains people, and the human desire to contribute to community projects when the opportunity arises * The small differences between a chaotic and organised creative space * How the LTB Showrooms have transformed Alan as a person (and how he sees it doing the same to others)…and why he no longer believes people are boring * People will often create, volunteer, and contribute even when there is no financial reward for doing so * And a bunch more…
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If tomorrow was your last day on earth, what would you choose to do (or not do)?
I asked this question to attendees of a recent “Rapid Response” exhibition I was part of at the LTB Showrooms in Coventry. It spoke to the urgency of imminent change, inspired by the building’s limited lifespan as it faces its final days before demolition and redevelopment.
The situation inspired a song (Still Time). Attendees helped me write it. And the building itself performed the beats.
Scarcity, Clarity, and StillnessFor better or worse, facing a closing door brings home the gravity of our choices. It can help us see more clearly and recognise what matters most. The weight of things that feel important when time seems abundant is jettisoned as we consider their proper place when we see a looming change on the horizon.
The sound collage I created for the exhibition aimed to capture the state shifts our autonomic nervous system goes through under some prominent cultural messaging about time. We might feel the pressure to dominate time’s natural flow, tether time’s value to monetary measurements, and believe we must rinse a productive outcome from every waking moment.
But I wanted to get beneath some of these narratives and explore a more organic relationship with time (and what it makes possible). Universal points of connection that we share as humans when we allow ourselves to be human. It reminded me of Bronnie Ware’s ‘Top Five Regrets of The Dying‘, compiled from conversations she had with people in hospice care at the end of their lives.
The Top Five Regrets of The Dying1. “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” 2. “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.” 3. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.” 4. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” 5. “I wish I had let myself be happier.
The responses certainly resonated with Bronnie’s observations.
I purposefully infused ambiguity into the core question. I wondered if people would make assumptions and fill in the blanks.
If tomorrow was your last day on Earth, what would you choose to do (or not do)?
I wanted to subvert any emphasis on regret and explore a day infused with gratitude.
How Did People Respond?Some refused to consider the question because it felt too depressing. Of those who did respond, some assumed that the last day on Earth meant death, while others took it to mean they were headed elsewhere on an interplanetary adventure. Some imagined they would deal with it alone, but it was seen as a collective challenge for others, with everyone in the same boat of existential demise.
I loved how different these underlying assumptions were. Seeing the common threads—the things we share- made it all the more poignant.
It turns out that some people would create things. Play music. Sing songs.
Some would hang out with loved ones in and around bodies of water. There would be picnics, drinks, and stories shared of days gone by. Challenging conversations, letters of love and regret, and putting right what’s currently dangling.
Many felt drawn home to familiar spots where they would enjoy the natural beauty in meaningful places around them.
The lack of novelty surprised me. There was a sense of peace. Bucket lists left at the door along with the drive to accomplish replaced by a desire to connect.
The Sound of One Door ClosingThe beat came from creaking floors and opening/closing doors around the LTB showrooms. I spent an afternoon collecting found sounds around the building to let the building speak before it is due to fall silent.
I discovered that the sound of a door closing is sometimes hard to distinguish from the sound of a door opening. Old doors can be creaky, squeaky, heavy, and slow.
There’s a metaphor in there. Of course, there is. Maybe it’s a reminder that there is still time. There are still things to explore. People to laugh with. Creative endeavours to “waste” time on. I loved that people would spend time creating things during their final day. Not for productive purposes but simply because it’s who we are as humans.
I would love to hear your response to that question. How do you feel about the idea of answering it?
Listen to Still Time now. You can support it by pre-saving it to your favourite streaming platform. That will give it a little nudge into more people’s ears on official release day.
Join me in The Haven Courtyard on Sunday, 17th December, when I will chat more about the story behind the song and explore some of the themes that came up in answers to the question that inspired it…Register here
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How do you respond when things don’t turn out as you hoped they would?
It was lovely to pause for a chat with my friend, Cameron Airen recently. It had been a while since our previous recorded conversation (back in 2018). A lot has changed for all of us since then! Cam is no exception.
On this weeks episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we discuss what happens when things don’t turn out as hoped. We explore areas of work/business, relationships, and hobbies. How do we not take it personally when our endeavours don’t turn out as we hoped? What tells us when it’s time to cut our losses and let go? How do we get through it? How do we know where to go next?
Cameron and I discussed how we rarely hear people discuss things going wrong, but it’s refreshing to do so. It helps us feel less lonely and more connected. I want to amplify those people trying to muddle along, living meaningful lives in ordinary ways. This might also serve as a small antidote to the dehumanising effects of celebrity culture, where we focus on turning people we don’t know into gods and monsters for entertainment.
Role Models in Real LifeI want to avoid Survivor Bias as much as possible by sharing incomplete stories that do not have neat endings that wind up at the destination of “All’s Well That Ends Well”. So it was strangely satisfying to talk about situations where things have not turned out as hoped, and how disappointing that has been for us at times.
We need more role models who are learning to adapt to the ups and downs of everyday life. People who can roll with the punches and engage with creative spirit and purpose amid “ordinary unhappiness”.
We connect with each other on the building sites of loss, in our collective grief, and through shared moments of bittersweet melancholy. From there, we can create a more meaningful and sustainable sense of hope for the future.
Connect with Cameron’s Instagram and website.
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In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, Dorcas Cheng-Tozen joins me to discuss her book, Social Justice for the Sensitive Soul. What draws highly sensitive people towards it, and how can we navigate and engage with the issues without burning out?
I was particularly interested in considering how sensitive nervous systems are attuned to the needs of a community as a core response to the biological imperative for personal survival.
Humans are not wired to connect with and care about the whole world. It’s too big and heavy for any individual to carry alone. But the interconnected world shows us everything wrong, and we hear about tragedies almost instantly via social media and the twenty-four-hour news cycle. So, how do we sustain our nervous systems and maintain compassion and care in such difficult conditions? Moreover, how do we make peace with the fact we cannot care about everything without becoming desensitised and shutting down?
In our conversation, we explore:* The challenges that face highly sensitive and introverts who want to understand and engage with social issues * How to approach urgent social problems without losing your ability to think critically and openly * Approaches and attitudes that can be off-putting for sensitive people * Letting go of an individual hero complex and trusting the bigger picture * Causes for hope when the world feels bleak * And much more
About Dorcas and Social Justice For The Sensitive SoulDorcas Cheng-Tozen is an award-winning writer, editor, speaker, and international communications consultant. She has nearly twenty years of experience working with nonprofits and social enterprises, living in mainland China, Hong Kong, and Kenya. Dorcas currently lives in California with her husband and two sons.
Social justice work, we often assume, is raised voices and raised fists. It requires leading, advocating, fighting, and organizing wherever it takes place–in the streets, slums, villages, inner cities, halls of political power, and more. But what does social justice work look like for those of us who don’t feel comfortable battling in the trenches?
Social Justice For The Sensitive Soul addresses this question.
Connect with Dorcas:Website: www.chengtozun.com
Social media: Instagram, Facebook, Linkedin
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Do you ever feel overwhelmed and confused by the unending conveyor belt of new labels and training programs professing to be the missing piece in the puzzle of your life?
We are sold the latest systems and interventions requiring expert knowledge. We throw our money at solutions with no fixed destination and a never-ending supply of potential new up-sells and add-ons.
Many of us get caught in personal development cycles, seeking the next thing that promises to help us get unstuck. But rather than being stuck because we haven’t found the perfect model, what if the quest for perfect itself, is a symptom of being stuck at a more foundational physiological level?
Therapist and host of the “Stuck Not Broken” podcast, Justin Sunseri, joins us in this episode of the Gentle Rebel Podcast. He shares his passion for Polyvagal Theory and its transformative role in trauma recovery.
Polyvagal Theory and The Science of SafetyJustin refers to Polyvagal Theory as the science of safety in the relational biology of mammals. He suggests that people don’t break; instead, they find themselves stuck. Hope for improvement, change, and growth always exists, but we may find ourselves stuck in a defensive autonomic state, such as flight, fight, shut down, or freeze.
When stuck in this way, we resort to patterns of protection that have kept us “safe” in the past.
I wanted our conversation to be an informal introduction to Polyvagal Theory and to get Justin’s perspective on its theoretical foundations and potential application in everyday life.
In our conversation, we talk about:* How Justin stumbled on Polyvagal Theory as a frustrated therapist working in the U.S. school system. * Where stuck states arise and what to do with them. * Why Polyvagal Theory isn’t a therapeutic and treatment style/metaphorical model (it is a research-based scientific framework). * The three core states of Polyvagal Theory (Vagal Safety, Sympathetic Fight/Flight, Dorsal Shutdown). How does their defensive form impact behaviour, thoughts, and feelings? * How each of us has different go-to actions in a state of mobilised fight, flight, or life-threatening shutdown. * An explanation of the mixed states freeze, play, and stillness. Justin also defines and critiques the three new mixed states recently added: appeasement, faun, and intimacy. Are these helpful or unnecessarily confusing? * Puzzle Completion Therapy – a wholly made-up therapeutic system Justin invented in one of his podcast episodes. He shows how simple it is to create a legitimate-sounding model to sell to people looking for help. * The temporary nature of therapy and coaching. Plus some red flags to look out for when partnering with professionals. * And much more…
Links Justin’s website: https://www.justinlmft.com/ * Join us in The Haven*
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Rest is who we are beneath the noise. It is a sensing silence that sits beneath the pressure to maintain perceptions, manage expectations, and ceaselessly strive to be, do, and have more. And it can be hard to come by in our loud and fast-paced world.
In this week’s episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I share a conversation with Rashid Hughes who I discovered via The Compassion Revolution.
Rashid seeks to bridge the worlds of contemplative practice and collective care. I was drawn to his suggestion that if we only see practices as an individual thing, we miss the transformative role they play in the collective body.
He describes a “great bypass” that leaves us in a feedback loop of striving for a state of unreal perfection. The noise of this restless pursuit is gently quietened through restful inquiry.
In our conversation we explore:Rashid’s Four Pillars of Rest and how we might engage with them.
- (R)elax the grip of goals, expectations, and becoming
- (E)xhale all the striving to be something else
- (S)ense the silence and stillness
- (T)une into awareness of who you are beneath your thoughts
“I stand firm, ten toes down, in saying that inquiring into the beingness of being and learning to rest there consciously, is one emergent pathway to beholding the world with new eyes.”
– Rashid Hughes
We talked about using accountability to reflect our vision and values. When our awareness and attention is opened to certain elements or ways of seeing, accountability is the feeling of being aligned and in sync with that part of ourselves. In other words, whether our vision and actions reflect each other.
We also explored the implications of focussing on becoming at the expense of being. And how this sense of separation from ourselves and one another can lead us down deceptively destructive paths.
Rest in Being as an Ocean WaveI share a journal reflection I wrote in preparation for the conversation, in which I played with the image of rest as the rhythm of waves on a shoreline. Some are big, some are small. Sometimes there isn’t much going on at all. Ritual is like that. Whether it be a spiritual or creative practice – somewhere we gather together or somewhere I retreat in solitude.
Over time waves change landscapes but even if one wave causes a landslide, this is still just one moment among many.
We can get stuck in the spirit of doing. Chasing moments that can’t be captured. We run down to the ocean with a jar and catch the wave. Do we have possession of a wave? If we show it to someone else they will just see water. The wave is no longer there.
The wave is uncontainable rhythm. It’s a beat. A moment. Something that can’t be appropriated or owned. No two waves hold the same water even though they might take a similar form in appearance. Each of these moments is unique in that sense. That is what ritual is to me.
We live in a world that expects, demands, and wants to possess what can’t be detained. As soon as it enters the jar, the wave ceases to be a wave. This rings true to many aspects of life. What do we miss when we’re busy thinking of new ways to control the flow within, around, and between us?
Connect with Rashid through his website and on Instagram.
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When navigating a season or environment of change, we need things we can trust.
But what does it mean to trust someone or something? Where does it come from?
The word derives from the root “Deru” (firm, solid, steadfast), the same etymological foundation as the word tree. It brings an image of strength through flexibility, adaptability, and dependability to meet the moment’s needs.
A tree is anchored in place by its roots. It starts growing beneath the ground.
Charlie Jones joined us in our September Courtyard Conversation to discuss dealing with unpredictable change. We explored the meaning of truth during uncertain times and how it relates to the growth and erosion of trust in the people and places around us.
Maybe you can think of someone or something you have lost confidence in. What is it that means they can’t be trusted? Words that come to mind are shape-shifting, slippery, and a drive to wiggle their way out of things to protect themselves. Someone who will do anything to avoid accountability and responsibility for their words and actions.
When we lose trust in one person, it can impact the story we tell about everyone. This is why it’s in the interests of a healthy culture to grow and nurture a shared understanding of and commitment to truth. It starts where we are.
How is Trust Grown?What tells us it is safe to put our confidence in another person? These are some of the responses that came through the Courtyard conversation when we explored the characteristics of trust.
This is not a prescriptive list of things to do but reflections on some of those signs and signals that indicate the presence of truth, as we defined earlier. As the steadfastness that runs through from our roots to the tips of our leaves.
Integrity (practising what you preach)We scan for signs that we can or cannot trust someone based on whether their actions reflect their words.
Respect (to look again)Trust grows when we look beneath someone’s role/position/performance and meet them at the level of being. This is an ongoing practice, not a one-time event.
Patience (slowing down)Trust grows when someone cares enough to slow down and address things properly and effectively. If they appear in a rush to sugarcoat, appease, or force quick change, we might wonder what they are afraid of.
Accountability (a shared agreement)Trust grows when we have mechanisms to hold ourselves and one another to a shared vision and foundational values. Something against which to “balance the books”. It erodes if we hold people accountable for things around which we have not reached a shared consensus.
Listening (holding space)Listening is a buzzword in many situations and environments where change occurs. But hope and trust are quickly eroded if you’re told you’re being listened to, but evidence says you’re being ignored. Charlie co-founded Spaces For Listening with Brigid Russell, so we had a good chat about the characteristics of genuine listening.
Encouragement (unconditional acceptance)Praise can feel manipulative because it is linked to doing things in the correct/acceptable way. Even if it feels good to hear (when it aligns with our feelings about something), it doesn’t help trust grow as we think they are trying to get something from us. On the other hand, encouragement is about unconditional acceptance at the level of being. Seeing who we are BENEATH what we do creates conditions for that to flourish in its own way.
Bravery (going against the grain)Trust grows when we witness someone act from a place of truth. A willingness to make life more difficult for themselves because there is something more important to them. Maybe they are willing to have a difficult conversation, admit they were wrong about something, or stand up to authority. When someone sacrifices their comfort or pleasure for the sake of something or someone else, it can grow a sense of trustworthiness.
Trusting The VoidGiselle wrote to me with the story of Leap into the Void by Yves Klein. It’s a photo of a man (Klein) diving from a high wall onto the city street below. An explanation for how it was done was kept secret for many years – it was a composite of two photographs.
The image makes an impression because it confronts the viewer with a contradiction. How can this possibly be? It defies logic. But this impossibility tells us of the necessity of collaboration. It is startling because it is missing the essence of what makes it possible…other people. Those trusted to hold the tarpaulin and keep the secret.
This mystery we enjoy in creativity and art isn’t a lie. The most powerful experiences of art encourage us to feel the mystery of truth and the truth of mystery within us.
Do we trust that void? Are we able to confront it in ourselves? The space of unknowing and uncertainty (aka life).
Trust is often found in those who can move through life without immediately controlling, defining, and labelling. Holding gently and letting go of the need to turn their fear of uncertainty into conspiracy or cynicism.
There is a time for understanding, categorising, and discovering. But not at the expense of, or to avoid confrontation with, emotion, creativity, and uncertainty. It’s hard to trust a person who cannot allow themselves to be moved by something that resonates with their depths.
Trust grows when we sense and connect with humanness. It is eroded when we all experience mechanised, cold, calculating rationality. Anything can be justified when we lose sight of our human truth beneath the surface.
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This post was inspired by my invitation to take part in the HSP Awakening Virtual Summit (October 2023). It contained a range of talks looking at different aspects of high sensitivity and its implications in our lives. My talk was called Rewriting Our Story Through The Lens of Sensitivity. You can watch the replay here.
It clicked when I read The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. Maybe this was why I never seemed to fit neatly into psychometric categories and personality boxes (does anyone, really?)
Earlier this year, Jen Corcoran invited me to contribute to the summit, exploring how we can reframe our story through the lens of sensitivity. Reframing was a valuable part of my process of bringing awareness, understanding, and integration of the biological trait of sensory processing sensitivity.
I was naturally drawn to reframing as a way to learn more about the trait and reshape my relationship with experiences through life when I felt like I’d missed a meeting – or like I was an alien that landed on a world that didn’t make much sense.
The Five NecessitiesIn the book, Elaine Aron encourages highly sensitive people to do five things as we learn more about who we are in light of the trait…
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Understand The Trait is RealSensory Processing Sensitivity is a biological trait that evolved and has been observed in over a hundred species. It’s not a personality type. It impacts how we perceive and process the environment and has obvious evolutionary benefits as an individual and collective survival strategy.
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Reframe Your Childhood In Light of the TraitTake time alone or with someone else to contextualise childhood experiences within the sensitivity frame. Notice times when you felt alive and connected and when the world (and its expectations/demands/values) felt alien and overwhelming.
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Heal Past WoundsGive yourself space and grace to process and heal from experiences you continue to hold in your body. The environment around us affects highly sensitive people positively and negatively (differential susceptibility). But the story is not written in stone. Things can change. Be patient, gentle with yourself, and curious about the possibilities.
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Don’t Try To Fit InYou need time to absorb and process if you’re high in sensory sensitivity. The societal pace and rhythms are unlikely to support this because the noisy flow never ceases. Don’t try to live like the 80%. Instead, allow yourself space to explore your needs and design life (as much as possible) to allow your nervous system to stay regulated and connected in service of what matters to you.
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Be With Other HSPsSpending time connecting with another highly sensitive person or group of HSPs can be beautiful. It isn’t easy to describe, but a calming and creatively generative energy arises when we have permission to be. That’s what happens whenever we gather in The Haven.
What’s The Point of Reframing Through The Lens of Sensitivity?Reframing gives us a way of reconnecting with who we are in the experiences and decisions we might have lost or neglected ourselves. It allows us to identify why we might have made particular choices and the autonomic nervous system context surrounding reactions in certain situations.
In essence, reframing is about healing the story we hold within. Allowing our sensitivity to rise and become part of the whole it belongs to. By reframing, rewriting, and reconciling, we invite the past into the present in a newly integrated way, so our many parts can work together.
How Can Reframing Help?Reframing helps us develop new and fresh perspectives on past experiences. We might remember times when something in us felt out of place. Maybe something was going well, and someone poured a cold bucket of water on it.
Reframing invites healing and forgiveness (of ourselves and others). Forgiveness can allow us to let go of the grip our unprocessed stories might have on our present freedom.
Reframing gives us a way to recognise, accept, and permit emotions that used to be prohibited. We can begin exploring ways to feel them again. This can give us a light to help recognise and navigate the needs beneath the feelings we have previously learned to ignore and bypass.
Reframing brings awareness to our cues of safety, connection, and danger. By recognising how high sensitivity and the nervous system interact, we can create conditions for more regulation in and around our lives.
Reframing also shows us feelings, responsibilities, and tasks we have taken on that aren’t ours to cling to.
As part of the summit, I gave away The Gentle Rebel book and a reframing sound anchor, which both contain my reframing reflections. In the book, I took a light-hearted journey through Elaine Aron’s HSP self-test and applied them to some of my life experiences.
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This is the third and final part of our mini-series looking at questions around the theme of change. In the first episode, we explored the signs and signals that tell us something has changed or is ready to change. Last time we thought about how to take change from a hypothetical possibility to an embodied reality. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we are thinking about maintaining motivation when we’re in the messy chaos of change.
You know what needs to change. You’ve chosen how you’d like to approach this season of change. But how do you stay motivated when the initial surge of energy is absorbed into everyday life again?
These ideas came out of our Haven Theme Kota at the start of September. They are not all relevant and appropriate for everything and everyone. But some might stir new insights and open up horizons so that more creative options can occur to us down the line.
What Is Motivation?Motivation comes in different shapes, sizes and from a range of sources. It’s a feeling, an energy, an inner spark. But it’s also something that comes from external sources. It grows in connection with other people. It is broader than our individual energy and will.
When The Motivation Wears Off At the start of the summer I had a painful gout attack. My motivation to do whatever it took to avoid it ever happening again was very strong. It helped me identify some habits that I could tweak to hopefully lessen the chance of future attacks. But a few months on and my motivation has shifted. I can remember that it was painful, however, I can’t sense the pain directly. The urgency has dissipated because it has moved from my body.
There is a sense of freedom in this because I am choosing rather than reacting. But there is also a chance that I forget about the changes I wanted to make. So, how do we stay motivated when that urgency wears off? That’s what we’re exploring in this episode.
Micro-MotivationsIn our discussion, we talked about a few micro-motivations that we can build into our awareness in everyday life. These are simple ways to stay connected with possibility and our reasons that underpin the direction we want to move in.
GlimmersDeb Dana talks about these small points of sparkle that give us a surge of positive energy. Momentary connections with something outside or within us make us feel a sense of wonder, calm, or excitement.
Even if the change feels scary and big, we might find glimmers in it. Even if the change is unwanted, maybe there is something within that has prompted a feeling of connection and gratitude.
Physical CuesWe can use physical objects that remind us of the journey we’re on, or things that keep us calm and connected along the way.
Certain textures, smells, or tastes might give us a kick of motivated energy and connect the present with the future we are forever moving towards.
Quick WinsWe can use simple prompts that remind us to do something that connects us with the bigger picture. For example, write three words about what you can see, hear, and smell in this moment. Or take a photo of whatever is to the left of you. Or take three slow breaths as you wait for the kettle to boil.
These prompts don’t need to be directly relevant to your broader goals. Rather, they can help shift states and move into a more open and creative spirit at any moment.
How Do You STAY Motivated?It’s one thing feeling motivated to change, it’s another thing staying motivated once the novelty wears off or you lose touch with that initial sensation.
Here are some of the things we came up with in our Haven Hive Kota Brainstorm.
Stop Trying to be MotivatedWe can sometimes put too much importance on feeling motivated. Just like a seed grows in the dark out of view, changes often happen accidentally and inadvertently when we’re not looking. The danger of believing that we need to feel motivated is we end up overlooking the momentum and growth that occurs when we get out of the way and stop trying to force things.
AccountabilityAccountability comes in different shapes, sizes, and flavours. It can be really helpful once we figure out the type that works best for us.
We might find motivation alongside other people who support with presence, encouragement, and connection, and without pressure or critique. Maybe you like accountability that gives you a sense of responsibility to others.
Access To ResourcesIt’s hard to stay motivated when we don’t have the materials, resources, and tools to carry out the task at hand. But this can often happen. If progress is constantly derailed by a quest for resources, our motivation level for the focal point will drop. It becomes more work than it needs to be. Motivation increases when we have good boundaries (time and energy) and access to the tools and resources we need to hit the ground running when our attention turns to the project in front of us.
Leave The Option To Quit On The TableWe might assume that motivation increases if we feel like a particular path is our only safe option. But this might be a recipe for failure, because if our nervous system has a perception of being trapped, it will respond to that threat rather than moving positively towards the desired outcome. By leaving the option to quit open to us, we will likely think less about quitting. Knowing it’s an option is enough to enjoy the freedom to focus on what matters instead.
Celebrate WinsAs we spoke about in the episode on celebration, motivation is grown through regular micro-celebrations like a smile, fist pump, or deep exhale and a “yesssss” when you do something that contributes to the change you want. It reminds us that this is important and it encourages good vibe hormones to release when we perform certain actions.
Log ProgressIf it feels like we’re treading water and getting nowhere, it might be worth using a journal or notebook to log progress over time. There is often a lot more changing than we realise. We are very good at adapting to change and forgetting how far we’ve come. Our adaptation abilities are part of our success as a species, but also part of what can make us miserable as individuals.
Work With a Coach/MentorA coach is trained to ask questions that keep us connected with why our desires matter to us. With regular coaching conversations, we stay plugged into the why beneath our goals.
Likewise, a mentor (someone who is further up a similar path to us) can provide relevant guidance through their experience. They know what can derail motivation and can help keep on the road we want to keep travelling down.
If the idea of a calm and connected 60-minute call with me sounds helpful, we can focus on an area of life you’re looking to integrate or instigate change in a Pick The Lock session.
Connect With The Big PictureWhy does this change matter? What will it give us? How will it positively impact our life and the people around us? We can actively connect with the importance of this change by writing it down and keeping it close.
By giving ourselves cues that remind us of why we want to go where we are going, we can return to the path after a little detour. Sometimes detours are fun. In fact, this kind of motivation gives us the freedom to go on detours with confidence that we can come back to the main path when we’re ready.
Join or Create a CommunityGather with people who are changing too – maybe in the same areas of life or they might be doing something else entirely. It might be helpful to be with people developing the same area, but it might not be. That’s why I love The Haven!
Navigating a Season of ChangeDoes this feel like a time of change for you? I’d love to hear more. Please let me know in the comments, drop me a message, or mention me if you share this episode on social media.
You can also download our digital cue cards to help you navigate a season of change.
Download the Free Digital Cue Cards Via The HavenThe post 38 | Where Do You Find Your Motivation? appeared first on Andy Mort.
This is the second of three episodes in a mini-series looking at questions around the theme of change. Last time, we explored the signs and signals that tell us something has changed or is ready to change. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we will take the next step in helping the change happen.
You can download our digital cue cards to help you navigate a season of change.
If the idea of a calm and connected 60-minute call with me sounds helpful, we can focus on an area of life you’re looking to integrate or instigate change in a Pick The Lock session. Learn more here.
How Does Change Happen?So, you know that something has shifted or is ready to change. How do you integrate that into life? What needs to happen to move it from awareness into embodied reality?
These ideas came out of our Haven Theme Kota at the start of September. They are not all relevant and appropriate for everything and everyone. But some might stir new insights and open up horizons so that more creative options can occur to us down the line.
I expand on each of these in the episode.
Spontaneously Ripping Off The BandageSometimes, the best way to instigate change is to get on with it. We might be waiting forever if we’re waiting for the perfect time. Maybe there’s a spontaneous impulse urging us to move on to something important. We might know that if we leave it too long, we will overthink and second-guess the decision to the point of inaction.
In Fits and StartsChange is messy. There are impactful days and days where nothing much happens. By expecting fits and starts change, we can give the process (and ourselves) grace and understanding.
Through Habits and BehavioursChange happens over time when we take consistent actions that contribute to it. By identifying where we want to get, we can figure out the habits that will get us there. We become less daunted by the big picture by focusing on small behaviours.
A Spirit of Creative Experimentation and PlaySometimes, change is less about a specific outcome and more about a reorientation. When we engage with the world through a spirit of experimentation and play, we can encounter new possibilities and find opportunities to move in directions that wouldn’t otherwise occur to us.
Simplicity and SlownessWe might demand change happen quickly and obviously. But it’s helpful to remember that change often occurs on its own timeline once we set the coordinates. The more we let it do its thing, the deeper and more sustainable the growth might become.
With Planning and ConsiderationWe might want to wait before we act. Planning and preparation are useful. But it’s also helpful to know how much is enough so that we can get started. What don’t we need in place before we start?
When You Take Your Eyes Off The PrizeWhen we check in and become aware of our relationship with change, we might realise that the outcome is no longer critical. We might have already gained what we needed from the experience. Is it still necessary? Relevant? Helpful? Or am I focused on achieving an outcome that is no longer required?
Goals are helpful until they’re not. They help us identify a meaningful direction to move. Still, if we become tethered to the outcome as the only measure of success, we might compromise other, more important values and priorities.
Due To Necessity and SurvivalSometimes, we have no choice but to instigate a change. Change, in this sense, happens when we get away from a situation, environment, or behaviour. Once the dust settles and the adrenaline wears off, we can choose the path we want to move along.
With Help, Support, and EncouragementSometimes, change happens because of other people or alongside other people. We don’t have to do everything alone. There are often more opportunities to enlist help than we realise.
Mindset ShiftsOn the one hand, change occurs when we shift an old mindset and adopt a new one. But it’s also true that our perspective often changes when we take action.
There are many ways we can help change move from possibility to reality. I’d love to hear any experiences that come to mind for you as you listen to this episode. In the next part, I will share our responses to staying motivated during a season of change.
How do we keep moving in the desired direction once the excitement, novelty, and initial push wears off?
Pause and ListenTry not to act until you know which state the voice of change is speaking through. Gut instinct and intuition can come from different sources.
Ask yourself: Am I currently in a defensive (urgency/panic) or connected (creative/flexible) state?
Notice how you finish the sentences, “the world is…and I am…” (in a defensive state, you will see words that indicate a sense of threat and scarcity, e.g. the world is hostile and I am lost, or the world is demanding and I am getting left behind). This idea is from Deb Dana’s book, Anchored.
Find a cue (e.g. a favourite song, memory, or image) that helps you move into connection and safety concerning your capacity to navigate change within your spirit of possibility, curiosity, and creativity. Now, complete the sentences again: “The world is…and I am…” (in a connected state, you might say, “The world is beautiful, and I am open to what it wants to show me.”)
From a state of connection, invite yourself to reflect on these questions:
- Which options above resonate with how I want to approach this change?
- What action could I take right now to help make this happen?
Does this feel like a time of change for you? I’d love to hear more. Please let me know in the comments, drop me a message, or mention me if you share this episode on social media.
Download the Free Digital Cue Cards Via The HavenThe post 37 | How Does Change Happen? appeared first on Andy Mort.
There’s part of me that wants to stay and part of me that wants to go.
Something in me loves to play, and something in me loves to work.
There’s an urge in me to run and an urge to hold my ground.
There’s part of me that feels at home and a part of me that doesn’t fit.
Part of me is calling for adventure, and part of me wants everything to stay the same.
Part of me is excited to perform in this space, and part of me is screaming, “No!”
Do you ever wonder why you put yourself through it?
The thing that feels deeply energising and invigorating one minute and downright terrifying the next.
Under the watchful eye of Lady Godiva (Daimler Powerhouse, Coventry) – Friday 15th September 2023 | Photos by Ezra Leese and @jonathanskirton_mediaWhat is IT for you?I played on Friday night at a fantastic Sofar Sounds event at the Daimler Powerhouse in Coventry.
During Luca FD’s beautiful set, before I was due on stage, I noticed my autonomic executive board working overtime to figure out what to do with this situation. The attention of a room focussed on the front. The most precious gift for any performer – a calm and silent audience, primed to be absorbed in the sound.
Transcript From The Autonomic Emergency Board Meeting“We feel a bit unsettled. What are we doing here? Are we preparing to run away?” The inner voices mutter anxiously. “No, I think he has chosen to put us through this”, another part adds.
“Why, what’s he got planned?” There’s silence for a moment before we turn and look at the stage where Luca is performing.
“Well, you see that guy playing songs with the lights and attention focused on him?”
“Yeah, Luca, I see him. Gorgeous songs, perfect sound for this environment, too.”
“Yes. Well, that.”
“What do you mean, ‘that’?”
“That’s what WE’RE going to do.”
“Don’t be silly.”
“I’m not being silly. We’re on in ten.”
“Oh no? That’s why we’re here? Again? Why does he do this to us?”
“Because I think he might enjoy it.”
“He doesn’t seem to enjoy it…listen to us, we’re making him think twice. He can’t enjoy it. He’s nervous! It makes him vulnerable being up there all on his own – it’s a ridiculous thing to do. It doesn’t make any sense! It’s so much safer here, at the back of the room. Oi, Andy, just stay here…What are you doing? Stop walking towards the stage…don’t you dare sit at that piano…get your fingers away from those keys!..oh no he’s about to sing…ooh actually, this is quite fun, mmmm listen to your voice in this space, it sounds nice. Oh yeah, I like these songs. Keep playing; this is great!”
Part of Me Is Searching For SafetyWe might notice the messages that flow through the nervous system and into our ability to connect with the moment. Within ourselves, the task at hand, and the people around us.
The messages may confuse our apparent contradictory desires. Part of us might dread the same thing that brings us great satisfaction and pleasure. In an autonomic defensive state, we perceive the task through the same filter as a genuine threat to our safety and survival.
At times, the defensive state might overpower our connection to what we’re doing. The nerves can get the better of us and lead us away from the stuff we wish we could do. Those things we choose to do when we’re thinking about them from a place of safety and regulation.
One Body, Different PartsAwareness of our nervous system’s role in responding to perceived threats along chosen paths is foundational to moving towards our creative pursuits and meaningful goals that otherwise get derailed by nerves.
Long-term transformation in calm connection is not about hacking the brain or short-circuiting our neural pathways to trick ourselves into doing scary things. It’s about entering awareness, embracing, and befriending those parts of ourselves that speak through a story of safety. Over time, we can gradually re-route the pathways and create new connections to do scary things a little more comfortably.
This doesn’t necessarily mean those things stop feeling scary. It means that we can navigate scary things with an increasingly anchored sense of connection and be confident in our processes for re-regulating after we’re done. It’s a combination of slowly rewriting the inner story (how we respond to stimulation) and reshaping the outer world (conditions to give our nervous systems the time and space needed for preparation and recovery).
Some things get easier and lose their terrifying sting with time and practice. Other things continue to cause discomfort because of their nature but get easier to navigate because we build conditions and processes around them to help with energy and neural-regulation.
Do you ever wonder why you put yourself through it? What is IT for you?
Is there something you wish you COULD put yourself through, but the nerves seem to get the better of you?
I’d love to hear from you. Leave a comment below, drop me a message, or mention me if you share this episode on social media.
The post Parts of Me Really (Don’t) Want To appeared first on Andy Mort.
This is the first of three episodes in a mini-series looking at questions around the theme of change. The ideas I explore have come from our Haven Theme Kota at the start of September. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we explore the signs and signals that tell us something has changed or something is ready to change.
You can download our digital cue cards that will help you navigate a season of change.
If the idea of a calm and connected 60-minute call with me sounds helpful, we can focus on an area of life you’re looking to integrate or instigate change in a Pick The Lock session. Learn more here.
How Do You Know When Change is Knocking At The Door?It doesn’t always occur to us that something has, needs to, or could change in our lives. Because of our adaptive skills, we might drift in undesirable directions and accept incremental shifts away from the path we would otherwise choose. Or, in the face of shifting circumstances, it might not occur to us that the habits, behaviours, and choices that were appropriate for the past are no longer serving us.
What tells you something HAS changed?When you take time to observe and reflect, what signals tell you something has changed? Changes happen internally, externally, culturally and in our interpersonal relationships.
Recognising the signs can give us a better understanding of what our feelings, thoughts, and actions are telling us about the needs beneath them. When we notice our default patterns, we more quickly interpret and understand what they say. Because so often, we find ourselves in that limbo season, feeling overwhelmed, confused, and disconnected. Not realising that it’s because we’ve not noticed something HAS changed or needs to change.
- The meaning has shifted
- It feels different
- The connection is lost
- I’m doing the same thing but getting different results
- It has become easy (I have grown/developed the skills)
- It has become hard (I am no longer able to do what I could before)
- It has become diluted (what used to seem special is everywhere)
What indicates to you that it’s time for something to change?When you listen to and observe your mind, body, and spirit, how do they indicate it’s time for a change? In the episode I expand on the following:
- I’m procrastinating
- I experience a pressing feeling in my head, body, and throat
- I feel something stirring inside me
- I keep noticing signs that resonate and reinforce my intuition
- I wake up in the night worrying
- I am increasingly restless and bored with my current situation
- I feel annoyed, grumpy, passive-aggressive, and negative
- I am lethargic and struggling for motivation
- I am jumping from one thing to the next without being able to settle
- I write the same thing in my journal every day
- I keep making the same mistake without learning from it
- I feel like I’m just going through the motions
- I feel disconnected from, disinterested in, and afraid of a future where things continue along this current path
- I am treading water in limbo – waiting for something to happen
- I sense a small, calm voice within telling me to do something uncomfortable or scary
Pause and ListenTry not to act until you know which state the voice of change is speaking through. Gut instinct and intuition can come from different sources.
Ask yourself: Am I currently in a defensive (urgency/panic) or connected (creative/flexible) state?
Notice how you finish the sentences, “the world is…and I am…” (in a defensive state you will see words that indicate a sense of threat and scarcity e.g. the world is hostile and I am lost or the world is demanding and I am getting left behind). This idea is from Deb Dana’s book, Anchored.
Find a cue (e.g. a favourite song, memory, or image) that helps you move into connection and safety in relation to your capacity to navigate change within your spirit of possibility, curiosity, and creativity. Now, complete the sentences again: “The world is…and I am…” (in a connected state you might say “the world is beautiful and I am open to what it wants to show me”)
From a state of connection invite yourself to reflect on these questions:* How will I slow down and connect with what’s alive in me today? * Where might my curiosity want to take me next? * What might I need to accept, acknowledge, or release?
Does this feel like a time of change for you? I’d love to hear more. Please let me know in the comments, drop me a message, or mention me if you share this episode on social media.
Download the Free Digital Cue Cards Via The HavenThe post 36 | How Do You Know When It’s Time For a Change? appeared first on Andy Mort.
What is your biggest momentum killer when it comes to making a change, launching a project, or embarking on a meaningful pursuit?
If you’re anything like me, it might be…a lack of celebration.
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we explore the importance of celebrating success and how intrinsic it is to momentum in almost any endeavour.
By success, I don’t mean external rewards and appearances. I’m talking about moments of “shine” that occur in the immediate wake of a good thing happening. And celebration, in this context, is a simple physical acknowledgement in response to that feeling.
Last week, Blubrry (the hosting company for The Gentle Rebel Podcast) published a feature, naming it Podcast of the Month for September 2023. Exciting! This is one of the reasons I’ve been thinking about celebration and momentum.
After feeling a spark of joy, my inner critic (yep, Rod was back) piped up with reasons not to get excited. So, I’ve been experimenting with ways to playfully subvert his and Pincher’s (another one – that’s him in the photo) judgements and demands so I can allow the momentum to flow.
The Moment Finds Meaning in MomentumWe might think of momentum as a series of moments linked together in the same direction. The mmmmmm between moments is the gluey bridge of satisfaction that connects them. Moment-mmmmm-moment-mmmmm. OK, please humour me.
This is to say that celebrating small moments is integral to growth through momentum. Without it, we might end up in a state of moment-aghhhh, where moments are isolated and disconnected rather than united and connected.
But what does a celebration look like? It sounds a bit strange.
The Concept of “Shine”:What do you do to celebrate when you manage to turn an intention into an action?
With no word in English for the feeling he wanted to describe (“authentic pride” didn’t capture it), BJ Fogg coined the term “shine“. In Tiny Habits, he explains how important it is to celebrate when we do behaviours that contribute to the habits we want to establish. Celebration rewrites our neural pathways, associating feeling good with doing what we want.
This is an excellent example of moment-mmmm because each momentary action, when celebrated, reinforces the chance of the next one occurring. So celebration and momentum go hand-in-hand.
Ranking and LinkingElaine Aron talks about linking and ranking as two models for interpersonal engagement. When in “ranking mode”, we measure our value by comparing ourselves to others. This tends to happen more when we perceive that we have suffered a “defeat” or failure.
Aron writes, “After a defeat, research finds that all social animals become depressed, showing the same physiology and behavior as depressed humans have. If we could ask them, I’m sure their self-esteem would be low. Unrealistically low. “I’m no good at all.” This innate “involuntary defeat response” serves to keep a defeated animal from continuing to fight and probably being injured.
These instincts work the same for us. Following a defeat, we tend to undervalue ourselves, leading to endless lost opportunities.”
As we apply this, we might see how momentum is lost when we lose connection by not acknowledging meaningful moments. Or worse, by focusing on our perceived failures amidst things going well – through overthinking, second-guessing, and assuming meaning (that isn’t explicit) in other peoples’ words and actions.
Aron says, “Life is not all about ranking. We spend as much time liking and loving each other. Mostly, however, when we are focused on rank, we are not feeling loving, and vice versa. So the easiest solution to undervaluing yourself is to get out of ranking mode altogether for a while: Focus on the people you like and whom you know like you. Switch instincts.”
But how do we switch instincts and find a sense of connection and safety? It’s not easy.
GlimmersOne helpful practice is noticing glimmers.
In her book Anchored, Deb Dana talks about noticing and collecting glimmers to anchor in safety and connection. And this ultimately opens our eyes, minds, and hearts to celebrate when good things happen. This idea opens us up to see MORE things worth celebrating.
She points out that “Humans have a built-in negativity bias. In order to support our survival, we’re wired to respond more intensely to negative experiences than equally intense positive ones. We have to actively look for, take notice of, and keep track of these moments, or micro-moments, of safety and connection that are our glimmers.”
This is not dissimilar to BJ Fogg’s notion of shine. Glimmers are “anchors that take us upwards and back to a foundation of strengthened regulation.
They are small things. When we are open to spot them, we see them everywhere in daily life.
Glimmers can be predictable anchors in our routine (coffee, fresh air, etc.) and can come in unexpected moments that appear on your path.”
Setting a Glimmer Intention:Dana suggests setting a glimmer intention.
She writes, “I have a friend who made an intention to see one glimmer a day for a week and another whose intention was to look for a glimmer to begin her day.
Play with this intention. Set it. Write it down. Read it back. For example, I will start each day this week looking for a glimmer. I will step outside every morning and find a glimmer.”
Keep a record of glimmers. This allows you to create a predictable practice you can return to.
We’ve been doing this in The Haven. Sharing glimmers as we notice them. Seeing how other people see and celebrate the world has been encouraging and inspiring.
Where are you that you wanted to be?Life might not have turned out how you hoped or planned. But I bet there is something true of your life right now that you of 5 years ago would be pretty excited about or intrigued by. Or maybe you set a goal, and it’s happened. Did you notice? Did you stop to celebrate? Or did it pass you by as you moved on to the next one?
Over to YouI’d love to know what resonated for you in this episode. And to see pictures of your Pincher if you have one. Leave a comment, message, or get in touch via social media. And please do share this episode with anyone you think will enjoy it!
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Just because something works, it doesn’t necessarily mean it works for everyone.
We live in a world full of advice, solutions, and fixes. But sometimes, there’s a discrepancy between what works and what works for us**. By subscribing to what works according to a particular system, we might erode our sense of integrity and leave ourselves alienated from the things we love.
In June, we had a Courtyard Conversation with Sarah Santacroce about marketing. We were joined by a handful of gentle rebels interested in exploring marketing from an authentic and inwardly expansive place. “Marketing From Abundance” was a way to gently rebel against the standard practices promoted in books, courses, and workshops.
Just Because It Works, It Doesn’t Mean It’s Good For UsSimply put, it goes like this: People are more likely to buy when rushed, pressured, or forced into a decision by a sense of scarcity (a reason to act quickly). If there is no genuine pressure to take action immediately, then manufacture it with imposed limits on time, pricing, and availability.
Eek!
We explored how it feels to operate that way. It turns out it didn’t feel good for any of us… as either a buyer or seller of products and services.
I believe this mentality contributes to our increasingly anxious and dysregulated world where many decisions are reactions to fear rather than grounded in choice. It’s exhausting and a recipe for cynicism, overwhelm, and disconnection.
In the meeting, Sarah encouraged us to remember that, “Just because it works, it doesn’t mean it works for us”. We discussed several common assumptions around marketing, networking, and building a business that didn’t work for people in the group – many of whom are introverted and sensitive types – and we explored alternative ways to define and achieve success in ways that DO feel energising and sustainable.
Sarah articulated something I’ve been thinking about in different ways for years. This idea nestled in my soul. The discrepancy between knowledge/theory and how it feels to practice something that jars at the core of my being.
When it comes to marketing, I am aware of the strategies and tactics that “work”. I know what the experts recommend I “should” do. But my soul withers at the very thought of much of it. And that’s something worth listening to!
I needed that articulated permission from Sarah’s statement. To shift the conversation away from what works and towards what works for me instead. Or, put another way, connecting to what keeps me energised and alive in my endeavours.
Just because it works, it doesn’t mean it works for the world.A lack of know-how isn’t why I’ve been reluctant to use these marketing practices. This is not an issue of knowledge and skill, which can be acquired without much trouble. Instead, it’s an issue of values, beliefs, and assumptions about motivations and definitions of success. Many of the approaches and tactics feel entirely out of step with who I am and the type of world I want to be part of creating.
Sarah talks about the three wins in her marketing approach. Something must shift if it’s not a win for her client, herself, and the world. This is another thing that drives me. The role I play in the bigger picture. If I say yes to the thing that “works”, what impact would that have if everybody did the same? Would the world be better for it?
Just because it works, it doesn’t mean it works for you.I sometimes notice this in people I work with when they are dealing with an internal tension around “ought-to” thinking. They will reluctantly bring up advice they’ve received from other people who start sentences with “What you want to do is…” and “You should use…”
I might ask, “And how do YOU feel about that idea?”
We can drift into the belief that there is only one way. We may see someone else as an authority, so take what they say as truth. But this discounts our relationship with their suggestion, which ultimately will be the defining factor when it comes to whether or not something works for us.
We need to find people who operate in ways that feel good to us. Otherwise, we might become alienated from our most meaningful pursuits and projects.
I can tell almost immediately when someone comes to coaching to try and do what they “should” rather than exploring what they want. There may be tension in their body and speech and I might notice resistance underpinning the words they use to talk about their “goal”.
Maybe you’re experiencing this in some area of your life, and you’re drawn into believing that a particular approach or value system is the only correct one. It isn’t easy to rationalise because it works; it makes sense, and going against it feels reckless.
But what if this is not the only way? What if, although it works for other people (or seems to, at least), it doesn’t work for you? What could that free you to do instead?
We might consider questions such as: What is driving you in this situation? * How do others judge success? * What would success feel like for you? * Where is there a contradiction between those two? * What gives you energy in this area? * What leaves you drained*?
I would love to hear from you if you have time. When have you been able to embody this idea? Share your reflections in the comments below.
The post Just Because It Works, It Doesn’t Mean It Works FOR YOU appeared first on Andy Mort.
A recent Photoyoga exercise sparked a fascinating Haven discussion about taking up space in the world and how uncomfortable some of us find it at times.
If you ever feel bad about “being a burden”, “holding people back”, or “drawing too much attention”, this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast is for you.
In our June Open Kota session, Tuula encouraged us to capture our inner critic with a name and photograph and to think about the story it tells us and the words it uses. I discovered one of mine is called Rod and has a distinctive moustache. He pops into my head and tells me to play small, keep the noise down, and avoid attracting attention. You can see him in this video if you’re interested…
The Moustache ExperimentIn this episode, I talk about an unanticipated experiment following the exercise. In an act of gentle rebellion, I refused to cede to Rod’s demand and shave his (my) moustache off. Instead, I made it more pronounced and allowed it to take up space on my face until I was no longer self-conscious about it.
High Sensitivity and Taking Up SpaceWe explored several reasons why introverted and sensitive people might find it challenging to take up space in the world. I share some of these in the episode and consider the influence of society and culture on how we feel about this.
Taking Up Space in ConversationsWe considered how, for sensitive people, the fear of being too intense or too much for other people can lead us to stay quiet when, inside, we’re bursting with stuff to talk about. Maybe you’re met with a blank look, or you’ve been told “not to be weird” or “don’t worry about that stuff” when sharing things you can get lost chatting about. How do you find people to take up this kind of space with?
Asking For HelpWe are less likely to ask for help when we fear being a burden. But as we discussed, asking for help doesn’t always feel that way for the other person. Sometimes, it’s in everyone’s interest and longing for us to take up space and ask for help.
When we are reluctant to ask for help, we might unnecessarily deprive ourselves of information and connection and deny the potential helper from doing something they would love to be part of.
Physical Space and BelongingAt the end of the episode, I share a recent story of an encounter with an angry guy in a field. It didn’t feel great, but it sparked another impromptu inner experiment that I was glad to have the opportunity to try. Not least because I could put theories from Deb Dana’s Anchored to the test. I had been reading it that morning, so it was fresh in my mind and helped enormously.
Does Any Of This Sound Familiar?Did anything in this episode resonate with you? Are there particular aspects of taking up space that you feel bad about? Come and take up space by dropping a message or leaving a comment below. I would love to hear from you. Seriously!
Join Us in The HavenIf you would like to be part of our lovely Haven hive and explore these topics alongside some kindred spirits, I would love to invite you to join us in The Haven. It’s free for the first seven days so that you can get a feel for it without risk.
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“When we are anchored, we have a sense of being safely held so we can venture out without becoming adrift. We are connected to a state of regulation and have room to explore the world around us.”
– Deb Dana
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I talk about the themes and topics we will explore on the podcast and in The Haven during Autumn 2023.
Drifting Into Another Wake-Up CallI look at the clock. It’s too early to be called tomorrow but too late to describe it as last night. A swirling limbo. The moment that catches me off guard. Drifting between worlds. It is sprung by the alarm bells ringing in my head. I’m mobilised yet unanchored, unable to stem or redirect the flow of thoughts that begin to flood my body.
What am I ready for? What could my nervous system be preparing me to react to at this hour?
I pause to observe the feelings accompanying this shift in state. They’re hard to decipher. Flitting all over the place. I can’t keep up. As I try to shut this down, I sense my breath quicken, and my heart beat faster. Checking behind and beneath every rock of thought I encounter, I frantically search for the source of this mobilised state. There’s nothing obvious.
Eventually, it becomes clear. It’s…EVERYTHING. An undecipherable swirl of all the stuff my body holds as some threat. All the news stories, open loops, regrets, worries, intentions, expectations, unresolved requests, things I shouldn’t have said, something I should have said, replies I need to send, relationships I have neglected, opportunities I’ve missed, things I forgot to do.
Whoa! You have found everything…thanks, brain! No, wait, you probably haven’t. This is only the surface. Imagine what else is lurking beneath that you haven’t yet dredged up. Can we do that another time?
Anchoring in Uncertain Times
“When the inner workings of our biology are a mystery, we feel as if we’re at the mercy of unknown, unexplainable, and unpredictable experiences. Once we know how our nervous system works, we can work with it. As we learn the art of befriending our nervous system, we learn to become active operators of this essential system.”
– Deb Dana
We live in unpredictable times. So many aspects of the world feel uncertain and like they are rapidly drifting, leaving our bodies in a perpetual underlying state of stress. We’re regularly sleepwalking through the motions, trying to control/dominate each other (and ourselves), and attempting to maintain business as usual in highly unusual circumstances.
The way we react to unprecedented situations can create a domino effect. If we are not responding from a state of safety and connection, we can often worsen the problem (or create new ones altogether).
If you’ve ever panicked about being late for something, you might be familiar with this problem. As you rush to get ready to leave the house, you become more clumsy, forgetful, and unable to perform simple tasks effectively. You take the stressed feeling on your journey with you and arrive at the destination flustered and unable to focus.
I don’t know about you, but parts of the world feel like this to me right now. And we could benefit from taking a moment to re-anchor ourselves.
There were similar responses to the Autumn survey, with people sharing their struggles with slowing down, letting go, and focusing on what they know is the healthiest path to follow.
One thing is clear. Anchoring is essential right now. It can help us feel “safe enough to fall in love with life and take the risks of living”.
Befriending The Nervous SystemThe autonomic nervous system can be the root of life’s challenges for many highly sensitive people. It can get frazzled by the overload of information through the widened sensory aperture and deep processing of everything that pours in.
In Anchored: How To Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory, Deb Dana helps us recognise and name the sounds, signs, and feelings associated with different states of our autonomic landscape. She provides a range of practical exercises to help us map our way through the states, with a pathway home to connection and safety.
These playful prompts give us the creative tools to reroute from adaptive protection patterns onto a pathway home to connection. We will be reading Anchored in The Haven Book Club this season. Find out more here.
“The role of the autonomic nervous system is to store, conserve, and release energy to help us safely move through our daily lives.”
– Deb Dana
Try The HavenIn addition to exploring Anchored in the Haven Book Club, we will creatively build on the exercises in our forums and other live happenings. By developing personal anchors, we can connect with the world in healthy, meaningful, and sustainable ways. This gives us the energy, calm, and perspective to focus on what matters most.
The new season kicks off in September. Come and look around The Haven Village with a free 7-day trial. Join us here.
LinksLearn more about this season’s Book Club.
Check out the upcoming Sound Anchor dates in The Harbour.
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The Haven Sound Harbour launches this week. It was inspired by last month’s Gentle Humdinger Workshop, where we looked at the impact of what we hear on how we see and experience the world.
It’s amazing how people can interpret the same thing in radically different ways. It happens in every area of life, such as art, politics, sport, social media trends etc. It’s what makes human existence beautiful, absurd, and sometimes infuriating.
But what informs these value judgements, interpretations, and understandings?
However much we believe they are, our thoughts and judgments are not objective. I like using examples of music in TV and film as something that can completely change what we see and how we feel.
There are many things we choose to bring to our inner ears. For example, the news and information sources we draw on, the media we consume, the people and communities we spend time with, the activities we invest time and energy in, and the places we visit all contribute to our soundtrack.
How do they leave the world looking?There are less intentional sources, too, like experiences/values/beliefs that informed and shaped our foundational assumptions about ourselves, others, and the world.
This mixing pot of inner soundtrack subtly influences how we filter and see everything.
The Sound Harbour is a place to slow down, rest, and reposition ourselves in the ocean of noise. It’s an opportunity to pause the inner soundtrack and open room within so that we can be less reactive to what we believe we see and more gentle in our relationship with our words, thoughts, and actions. I want to create space where we can become slower to draw conclusions and cast judgements about ourselves, others, and the meaning of things over time.
Learn more about it here.
I enjoy working with people to increase their awareness of the background music accompanying everyday life. Being able to distinguish the narratives behind the music and how they influence our perceptions can be liberating. By acknowledging and consciously choosing how we perceive, interpret, and react to people, situations, and experiences, we have more opportunities to make informed decisions.
A Sound Harbour For a Noisy WorldFor introverted and sensitive types especially, the rhythms and pacing demanded of us in different life areas often goes against our natural metronome. There is pressure to compete, perform, and operate at an overwhelming, destructive, and ultimately unproductive pace. Over time it can leave us altogether out of sync with ourselves and our lives. Not to mention feeling like there’s something fundamentally wrong with us because our bodies can’t keep up with the pace.
While we might be able to stretch ourselves and operate at an energy-bending pace for short bursts, it’s not a soundtrack we can dance to for long before we get overwhelmed and burnout start knocking at the door.
We can’t force rest and recovery. But, if we see everything through a lens of urgency, then that’s how we will think about those things too. Rest becomes something to add on, rush, and accomplish, rather than something to open space for it to do its thing.
The Sound Harbour is somewhere to begin. To pause, observe, and notice what’s going on within.
I’d love you to join me. Watch the video below to gauge the vibe and sign up here if it resonates.
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Seventy years after it was written, The Wisdom of Insecurity still carries a message for our time—this age of anxiety where things often feel urgent, groundless, and unstable. As a result, we might often feel alone in our quest for meaning and purpose in this absurd, pain-filled, and beautiful experience called life.
The “age of anxiety” was coined by W.H. Auden in his 1947 poem of the same name and explored by Alan Watts in The Wisdom of Insecurity. It describes the disconnection and uncertainty we often experience in an increasingly connected world.
Rather than seeing anxiety as the problem of our age, it’s more helpful to see it as the solution. It’s a message. A response. The thing our body uses when things are not how they ought to be.
Our collective body is speaking. It’s trying to tell us something about a situation and environment in which it is not naturally suited.
We are using The Wisdom of Insecurity this season in The Haven. It is a great catalyst to explore our relationship with ourselves, one another, and the ever-changing world around us. I want to use it to clear through the noise, relieve life’s heavy baggage, and connect with the creative flow that runs through life.
Insecurity and The Age of AnxietyInsecurity is felt through the inescapable impact of time and change on everything. So we must find a way to integrate these heavy truths and still operate in everyday life. Traditionally, we’ve used religion and rituals to provide this safety through their symbolic reminders that we belong to a transcendent story that reaches beyond ourselves.
The erosion of traditional belief systems in the Western world has diminished many of these social structures. And so the age of anxiety is the age of the individual, where we are condemned to freedom, as Sartre infamously stated.
But our innate need for belonging and acceptance hasn’t disappeared. We still need to feel safe in an uncertain world. Be that at the level of existence itself or the social structures we can’t afford to be cast out of. We are social beings; the success of our species depends on our ability to cooperate, collaborate, and create. Yet we’ve been fed a different narrative, and the age of anxiety is the product.
In his No Self, No Problem Workbook, Chris Niebauer writes about the evolutionary hangover of scarcity. We are often stuck on the hamster wheel of striving for more even when we already have enough to satisfy our needs (i.e. food, shelter, and companionship).
It would seem like hoarding abundance should logically alleviate anxiety. But in reality, this culture of accumulation increases our sense of internal and social disconnection. Instead of satiating our needs, it accelerates our drive for more.
Inner Worth in an Age of AnxietyNiebauer suggests that modern marketing plays on the insidious scarcity of inner worth. This “secret sauce” starts by eroding social bonds to that of individual atoms. Then, it presents us with the problem (we are flawed and unworthy compared with others) before the reassurance that we can buy our worthiness, happiness, and belonging by building our identity in partnership with a particular brand, product, or service.
We often encounter and engage with it without realising. We measure human worth by the consumer choices we make. We’ve replaced individual character (an inside-out expression of messy contradictions and imperfect quirks) with personal identity (outside-in pressure to hide the contradictions and look “the part” we’re told to play to feel safe and accepted).
And so it is that our quest for belonging takes us away from ourselves and into definite forms. It turns to a drive to fit boxes and labels, which fuels anxiety and heightens the frenetic tail-chasing pursuit to solve problems created by the previous solution. Moreover, these forms shift from the individual to the collective as we surround ourselves with like-minded people and look suspiciously at those on the outside.
The Backwards Law of Reverse EffortThis is why we face such a strange paradox; as we become more aware that things aren’t as they should be, we deepen the divisions in our quest to fix them.
The ”backwards law” explains aspects of this.
“I have always been fascinated by the law of reversed effort. Sometimes I call it the ‘backwards law.’ When you try to stay on the surface of the water, you sink; but when you try to sink, you float. When you hold your breath, you lose it — which immediately calls to mind an ancient and much neglected saying, ‘Whosoever would save his soul shall lose it.’”
Alan Watts
This is well demonstrated by the idea of “cool”. It’s a beautiful word depicting a mystery that can never be truly grasped. The person who wants to be cool will never be so. Coolness requires completely letting go of the desire to have it and rejecting its possibility—a refusal to play the game.
Navigating The Age of AnxietyThe age of anxiety isn’t about anxiety as such. Anxiety is not a problem of our time. It’s the solution. A message from a body bent out of shape and unable to do what it needs to do. It’s a stress response to a world that doesn’t make sense.
The more we see anxiety as the problem, the further we slip from the truth. Unless we stop long enough to listen to what it’s saying, it will find new, more extreme ways to express itself. Anxiety is not a personal failing; it’s a message about our collective failure to create a world conducive to our natural modes of being.
Anxiety prompts a state of panic and speed. It stops us from thinking with long-term clarity. It shows us a picture of scarcity, to which we must act quickly to survive. As a result, everything takes on an extreme level of urgency, and we can’t slow down until the threat is gone.
So What Do We Do?I have no solutions. I think that might be the point. All I have are my instincts and the backwards law. Awareness (understanding the noise and impulses of anxiety), meaningful communal connection (beyond closed tribes), and slowing down (listening and responding in thoughtful, creative, and long-term ways).
According to the logic of the backwards law, the quest to exit the age of anxiety will only prolong it. To get a better grip, sometimes you must let go of the desire to be in control.
Come and join me to explore this stuff in The Haven. We will use The Wisdom of Insecurity during the summer as a source of inspiration, creative experimentation, and communal connection. I can’t deliver lasting happiness and satisfaction, but I can guarantee a warm welcome, acceptance, and friendly faces.
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There is more to music than we can ever put into words. And I think it’s the same with people. Language cannot fully describe who we are. Labels, boxes, and pigeonholes fall short.
Maybe we call it our creative voice. However we describe it, our “sound” is that indescribable spirit that makes us who we are.
But it’s fragile and can quickly get lost beneath the world’s ocean of noise.
Join me for a Gentle Humdinger Workshop, where we will identify and explore the inner creative voice that often gets drowned out by the noise of everyday life.
Sometimes life feels like trying to play a fragile folk song in a rowdy club on New Year’s Eve.
At other times, however, we attempt forcing the instrument to do something it’s not designed for. So we end up bending ourselves out of shape and burning out.
The Impact of NoiseI’ve always been fascinated by the impact of sound design on mood and meaning in TV and film. Of course, if you’ve ever watched a horror film with the sound off, you’ll know what I mean. Because it doesn’t pack quite the same punch without the noises.
Hearing The Same Thing in Different WaysWe are influenced by the soundtrack playing within us.
We all think we see things objectively, but in reality, two people can look at the situation differently. It doesn’t always mean one person is wrong. On the contrary, things are always more complicated than they appear.
We hear the other person, but we also hear it alongside a whole load of internal noise.
Anticipation and EvidenceOn the whole, we see what we anticipate.
When we are in a sitcom, we are ready to laugh. In a horror movie, we are primed to jump. When in an action film, we are prepared to run or fight.
How do some people seem to allow things to wash over them while others in the same situation react as if the world is about to end?
Decision MakingWhen swept up in the ocean of noise, we are more likely to make decisions that take us away from our creative spirit. Noise creates urgency, scarcity, and competition.
When we’re in the noise, be it a state of fear, overwhelm, hangover, stress etc. So we might make an impulsive decision…”I’m quitting, never doing anything like this again, buying a new car, or buying a wireless in-ear monitoring system” (listen to the episode for that story).
Sources of Noise in Everyday LifeOur natural sound, voice, and creative spirit can become lost in the world’s chaos. We accept and amplify the demands, expectations, and assumptions without much thought.
But where does the ocean of noise come from? What component parts leave us unable to see the wood for the trees in this way (overwhelmed, burned out, and operating in a chronic state of stress)?
The Ocean of InformationIt comes from news media and information overload. An unending and unresolved source of instant updates from all over the world.
Noise is stimulation without clarity and resolution. The news is precisely that-a flow of traumatic things we can’t resolve or control.
The Ocean of Toxic PositivityToxic positivity is the lie of limitless and groundless possibility in a finite world.
It’s the message we can do anything, be anyone, and uncover our unlimited potential. It’s a state of overwhelm in an unlimited can-do reality, where impossible is nothing, we should “Just Do It”, and every no is just another step closer to success.
This overwhelming disturbance gets louder, faster, and more intrusive. It’s the sound of humanity waging war on itself, and it takes us away from the expansive, playful, beautiful sound within us. The sound of joy, connection, laughter, and meaning. The creativity, adventure, and curiosity. It’s been replaced by the drive to produce, be helpful, and prove ourselves.
The Ocean of Sensory StimulationHighly sensitive people get rapidly drained in a world where the volume is always turned up. It’s exhausting to exist without true rest.
The Sound of The Inner-CriticThe waves of noise come through the voices we pick up along the way. Our inner critic might take the shape of internalised figures. A parent, teacher, family member, friend, or stranger. Someone who said the wrong thing at the perfect time for a cold bucket of water to pour all over our creative spirit.
“You don’t deserve to be here!” “Who do you think you are?” “You’re too sensitive!” etc.
Our natural sound gets lost in the noise. It is prohibited by the message we internalise from the world around us and drowned out by a world of people competing to be first, best, biggest, loudest, and most successful.
Connecting To Our Sound Within The Ocean of NoiseYour sound is your creative spirit. It’s your connection with life. What evokes a sense of purpose and emotion in you?
What does your music sound like?
If someone you know well (with whom you have a positive relationship) were to describe you, what words might they use?
What role do you tend to play in a relationship? A friendship? A social group?
Does that feel like you, or is it a role you’ve learned to play? How would you LIKE people to describe you? What would people say is important to you?
We can end up playing other people’s tunes. People pleasing, fitting in, and going along with the crowd. In the fog of noise, we chase goals we don’t personally care about.
The Gentle Humdinger WorkshopIn the Gentle Humdinger workshop, we get beneath the ocean of noise and reconnect with your inner creative spirit. We will be letting go of the stuff you might do to fit in, please people, or pretend you’re not quite as weird as we all know you are deep down. I’d love you to join me!
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You’re not alone if you’ve ever felt like an impostor in your creative pursuits. So many people feel like they don’t measure up to the “real” artists or are afraid to put their work out for fear of being seen as outsiders.
When faced with self-doubt and impostor feelings that hinder our creative pursuits, how can we recognise and respond to them? How do these feelings sound to us? What causes them, and how can we continue to be creative in spite of them?
We are exploring these questions in The Haven this month.
Every creative act is a step into uncertainty—no guarantees about how it will be received, interpreted, and understood.
I experience impostor feelings almost whenever I put anything creative into the world. But I’m learning to converse with them, listen to what they tell me, and respond accordingly. I’m doing that this week with my first official ambient instrumental release. Not a style of music I’ve shared publicly before. Truth be told, I feel a little apprehensive.
The Difference Between Content and FormOne helpful distinction I’ve seen is the difference between the message and the medium we use to express it.
Medium and form are what we learn from the masters and mentors. They are where we hone our craft and deepen our competency. Learning how to write, paint, perform, play, weave, bake etc., and improving our relationship with the tradition(s) we are partaking in. There are always ways to grow, develop, and enhance our experience.
I am excited to learn more about and deepen my relationship with this new-to-me genre of music. Impostor (or inferiority feelings) are positive for me in this sense. They encourage me to grow in desirable and meaningful ways.
Message and content, on the other hand, are more like the essence of the song we sing. The spirit within and vision we bring to the table. It’s the unique cocktail of a life spent experiencing, observing, and feeling. It’s the creative voice only we can express because it’s contingent on who we are in our ordinary weirdness.
I remind myself that the most remarkable artists are one small part of a tradition they could never fully embody. When it comes to the pure identity of being (a writer, artist, musician etc.), no one can fully belong.
We are explorers, custodians, and borrowers. We hold the craft with reverence and respect and recognise that it’s bigger than all of us.
Impostor Feelings and Creative Form
“The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death.”
Steven Pressfield
The drive for confidence (fitting in) at the medium and form level can alienate us from our creative spirit. However, we can be pretty confident that we are not an impostor if we’re worried about being one.
The quest for belonging to the established order to feel worthy and accepted is a road that takes us away from the site of authentic creative expression. In other words, the real impostors believe they are entitled to be here and speak on behalf of an undefinable entity.
Creative Spirit is a Question MarkWhat is creativity without vulnerability, uncertainty, and doubt?
Not much. Just more of the same. Replication. Mechanical productivity. Stuck pining for the past and dreaming of a future that will never emerge because a big padlock keeps the present behind bars. Stifled and unable to play.
This is at the heart of some questions about generative artificial intelligence. It’s an imitator of form. It looks the part. But it’s missing a crucial aspect of the creative spirit. Like Sartre’s waiter, it fits in TOO MUCH. Whereas creativity emerges through imperfection and contradiction.
Defence Against The Human ArtsIn Free Play, Stephen Nachmanovitch says, “It is easy to look around us and see innumerable factors that undermine the creative life. But I think every culture contains its own defences against creativity. It is sometimes tempting to idealise or romanticise some other time and place where the creative life seems to have been more integrated into the fabric of life as a whole.”
The creative spirit is a question of those defences. What stops us from being human? What does it mean to be human?
“Self-doubt can be an ally. This is because it serves as an indicator of aspiration. It reflects love, love of something we dream of doing, and desire, desire to do it. If you find yourself asking yourself (and your friends), “Am I really a writer? Am I really an artist?” chances are you are.”
Steven Pressfield
There is No There, ThereTo doubt is to be human. To desire, love, and dream is to embody life in all its messy chaos.
Creative spirit carries us forward as a beautiful contradiction. Where it is through the fact we don’t belong (we are all impostors) that creativity can find its place.
Creativity is courage despite doubt. Faith despite fear. It carves beauty from pain and expresses truth when all seems lost.
We might be waiting to feel safe before we create. It’s understandable. It’s human. We are wired to seek safety and belonging. But the other thing that makes us human is our creative spirit. While it is often fuelled by inspiration from the world around us, our creative flame flickers within, and only we can choose whether or not to let the light out to play.
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We recently finished reading The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life, and Achieve Real Happiness by Kishimi and Koga in The Haven Book Club.
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I share reflections inspired by the five nights of discussions between the philosopher and youth in the book.
It’s been great to look at the book over four months, and I’d be up for doing it again. So if you listen to this episode and think it’s something you would like to explore for yourself, let me know here. If there is enough interest, I’ll get the ball rolling.
Episode contents* Why We Need The Courage To Be Disliked | 4:28 + The Cost of Seeking Approval: Losing Ourselves in the Quest for Acceptance | 8:54 + Self-Worth, Achievement, and The Courage To Be Disliked | 9:57 * Does The Past Determine Our Future, or Can We Change It? | 13:16 + Determining Blame and Finding Fault | 16:50 + Unhappiness As a Choice | 18:00 * Interpersonal Relationship Problems and The Social Shadow | 21:42 + An Age of Connected Loneliness and The Social Shadow | 22:56 + Inferiority, Superiority, and Equality | 24:51 * Holding Boundaries and Letting Go Of Other People’s Tasks | 28:23 + Encouragement Not Praise | 32:28 + Beware of The Cookie Cutter | 33:52 + The Freedom of Being Disliked | 34:44 * No One Lives At The Centre of The World | 36:14 + Community Feeling and The Many Centres of The World | 37:42 + The Storm In a Teacup | 39:59 + Respect For Authority | 1:07 * To Live in the Here and Now | 45:37 + The Difference Between Affirmation and Acceptance | 49:26 + Fear of Being Disliked and How We Judge The World | 51:24 + The End is Not The Goal | 52:26 * The Haven | 53:36 Why We Need The Courage To Be Disliked | 4:28The philosopher uses Alfred Adler’s Individual Psychology to help the young man consider ways to change his life. It revolves around the premise that true freedom comes from having the courage to be disliked.
This courage to be disliked isn’t about wanting to be disliked. It’s about being OK if and when people dislike us, which as long as we are alive and engaging in interpersonal relationships, will happen.
We can’t control what other people think, feel, and believe about us…that’s their task.
The Cost of Seeking Approval: Losing Ourselves in the Quest for Acceptance | 8:54 We can lose ourselves if we fear those we admire disliking us. We might park our core values and inner compass if it means being accepted and recognised by the “right” people.
This reflects a script we write early in life through our drive for safety and belonging. Who must I be? What do I need to do and not do to remain safe and protected?
Self-Worth, Achievement, and The Courage To Be Disliked | 9:57I recently heard a sportsperson say, “I love winning, but what makes me a dangerous opponent is that I don’t mind losing. I’ve done it often, and it’s not that bad.”
This is a particular type of freedom. He has separated losing from his story of self-worth. Acceptance at the level of being (whether or not I win, I am OK) rather than at the level of doing (I must win to be worthy of acceptance).
The courage to be disliked is the same. If someone doesn’t like me, it’s their task. Although it’s preferable to be appreciated, I can’t compel anyone else to respect me. That’s up to them.
Does The Past Determine Our Future, or Can We Change It? | 13:16Our life is not a script we have to live by, handed to us by someone or something in the past, but something we write in the here and now. While past events influence the story we live, they don’t determine what happens next.
Read the fullreflection on The First Night: Deny Trauma.
Determining Blame and Finding Fault | 16:50“Who can we blame?” is a question that permeates society today. Unfortunately, it’s often our first response. As such, we might spend time pointing fingers, looking over our shoulders, and covering our tracks, ironically creating a more dangerous world to protect ourselves from.
Unhappiness As a Choice | 18:00The young man also adopts a victim mentality, evident in his conclusion that if only he were like his friend, he would be happier. But, of course, he knows he cannot be another person. So he permits himself not to accept himself by telling a story about why other people have life easier and better than his.
Interpersonal Relationship Problems and The Social Shadow | 21:42 According to Adler, the primary task of a person’s behaviour is to be self-reliant (responsible for our judgements, choices, and beliefs) and to live in harmony with society (a conscious development and awareness of social connectedness and community feeling).
Self-reliance isn’t about becoming the proverbial island and doing everything independently. Instead, it’s about recognising what we are responsible for so we don’t interfere with other people’s tasks.
Read the fullreflection on The Second Night: All Problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems here.
An Age of Connected Loneliness and The Social Shadow | 22:56If we interfere in this for one another, we create disconnection, distrust, and loneliness. Loneliness, in this sense, isn’t being without people; it is having people around but feeling alienated from them.
The prevalence of loneliness in our modern world reveals a paradox of increasing connectivity and isolation. Despite being more interconnected than ever, we also experience greater isolation.
Loneliness arises from a lack of connection with others. The more disconnected we feel from people, the more intense our loneliness becomes. It’s important to remember that communication alone does not constitute a genuine relationship.
Inferiority, Superiority, and Equality | 24:51One’s inferiority/superiority complex tends to place blame on others for all problems. This mindset fosters envy and resentment and creates enemies, further perpetuating this negative outlook on the world. This pattern is prevalent in both politics and social media today.
Why do so many people struggle to enjoy the success they work hard to reach? Because they build it through a lens of competition, the foundation of which is a complex landscape “overflowing with enemies”.
Adler describes a healthy feeling of inferiority emerging through our relationship within ourselves rather than in comparison to others. We have a playful and intuitive knowledge about what we want to improve. We are drawn to plant, grow, and harvest. This is baked into our sense of purpose and meaning as we survive and thrive.
Likewise, a healthy desire for superiority is not related to our position compared with others but to our “ideal self”. We are improving ourselves and the conditions around us. The ideal self is not a place we can reach but an organising structure around which we make choices that support a meaningful lifestyle.
Holding Boundaries and Letting Go Of Other People’s Tasks | 28:23Boundaries are not about shutting people out but understanding how to separate tasks and discard those that don’t belong to us.
We shouldn’t mistake separating tasks with separating ourselves from one another as humans.
Read the fullreflection on The Third Night: Discard Other People’s Tasks here.
Encouragement Not Praise | 32:28In Punished By Rewards, Alfie Kohn looks at the evidence against the common assumption that people change their behaviour through positive reinforcement like incentives and praise. He points out the conspicuous absence of the long-term in the evidence people use to support rewards, leading us to some unhelpful conclusions.
People DO change their behaviour in the short run when presented with positive outcomes for doing so, but this makes us dependent on external motivation. When the rewards are dropped, so too is the behaviour.
It turns out that we are not incentivised by the behaviour but by the incentive. The rather dispiriting conclusion is that we are less likely to act from intrinsic meaning and community feeling when our reality is built around systematic incentives and rewards.
Beware of The Cookie Cutter | 33:52En-courage-ment is about helping give rise to courage in another and supporting them in becoming more of themselves. Not moulding them into who we think they should be (or who we need them to be for our cookie-cutter convenience).
The Freedom of Being Disliked | 34:44When our sense of self-worth is tied to external rewards, breaking from the fear of what people think (and the desire to be liked) can feel impossible. This underpins people-pleasing patterns.
In this sense, being liked is praise and being disliked is punishment. So we might gravitate towards doing what we hope will get us recognition. And we avoid doing what we’ve learned people reject.
No One Lives At The Centre of The World | 36:14Narcissism is underpinned by a sense of entitlement to success, power, and control over others. As a result, some people place themselves at the centre of the world and blame their struggles on external factors.
There is a distinction between the centre of the world and the centre of our own life.
Read the fullreflection on The Fourth Night: Where The Centre of the World Is
Community Feeling and The Many Centres of The World | 37:42Individualism becomes toxic when it removes us from the collective story and leaves us fighting for our place in the group (the feeling that it’s OK to be here).
Community feeling isn’t based on conditional belonging within a particular context (e.g. the household, school, workplace, or neighbourhood). Instead, it covers regions, nations, continents, humanity, all living things, non-living entities, and the entire axis of time from the past into the future.
The Storm In a Teacup | 39:59Looking at it this way serves a purpose, providing an anchor of connection and perspective when facing overwhelming and hopeless situations—for example, a toxic workplace, political turmoil, bullying at school, or an unbearable family environment.
Drawing community feeling from outside the proverbial storm in a teacup (shrinking the whole world to a single place in time) might take the edge off the immediate challenge and give us a foundation to establish a purposeful path forward.
Respect For Authority | 1:07The world doesn’t have a centre. So, no one (not even the most recognised or influential person) is more deserving of belonging than anyone else, not at the level of being.
The ultimate show of respect is to allow space for humans to be humans. Equal at the level of being regardless of age, gender, race, sexuality, intelligence, etc.
To Live in the Here and Now | 45:37Life is like a piece of music. The goal is not to reach the end. It’s to move in the rhythm and melody of the here and now. And we play our part in the music of this moment, contributing, collaborating, and creating.
For human beings, life is about more than survival. We are creatures of meaning and connection, with the capacity for joy, love, and transcendence.
Read the fullreflection on The Fifth Night: To Live in Earnest in the Here and Now.
The Difference Between Affirmation and Acceptance | 49:26Happiness is found through accepting “one’s incapable self as is” and building life from that place.
Affirmations can be delusional and are linked to what we do, encouraging us to make suggestions such as “You got this, ” “I can do it, ” or ” I am strong, ” even when something is beyond our ability, and we are overwhelmed. They don’t give us courage because they’re more like a demand “I should have this, I ought to be able to do this, I must be strong…” to be accepted.
Self-acceptance says, “It doesn’t matter if I do, don’t, or can’t have this; I’m still fundamentally OK.”
Fear of Being Disliked and How We Judge The World | 51:24 Our judgement of the world is influenced by the story we focus on.
If one person criticises us, two unconditionally accept us, and seven are indifferent to our actions, who do we focus on? Where do we invest our attention and energy? In the one person who dislikes us, the two who love us, or those who don’t care (the crowd)?
The End is Not The Goal | 52:26A train runs to the top of Yr Wyddfa (Snowdon) in North Wales, yet hundreds of people climb it daily. We might think the goal of climbing a mountain is to reach the top. But it’s not. The purpose of climbing a mountain is to climb it.
There are often quicker ways to get to the end. But the destination is part of the process rather than the goal. Without the top, we have no direction.
Even though it signals the end, the goal of life isn’t death. But the reality of death is what gives us access to energy. To meaning, love, and life.
The Haven | 53:36Register your interest here if you’ve enjoyed this and want to join me for the next run through The Courage To Be Disliked.
Check out The Haven if you want to join me for other book clubs and theme discussions. co, where I host regular events and creative happenings.
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I don’t want to be tired of you. I want to be tired with you.
“Thus we sat—in my recollection always out of doors in the afternoon sun—savoring our common tiredness whether or not we were talking…A cloud of tiredness, an ethereal tiredness, held us together then”
– Peter Handke
This passage speaks to me. I feel it in my soul. It resonates with much of what feels present as I look at the world.
I’m also thinking about the danger of commodifying slowness and rest. Thingifying them. Turning them into more ways to judge and criticise ourselves beneath impossible standards.
Or glorifying them as lifestyle aspirations. Using them to symbolise how we want to be seen rather than what they might make possible.
We are good at packaging universal truths into products we can use to measure and categorise human value. It makes sense in a world that sees health and happiness as a matter for the individual.
But I don’t want to do that. When we feel alone in our efforts, our attempts to alleviate tiredness make us even more exhausted.
Solitary TirednessWe learn to see our tiredness in what Byung-Chul Han calls “achievement society” as solitary tiredness. It has a separating and isolating effect. Peter Handke calls it “divisive tiredness” (or “I-tiredness”), which is the tiredness of an exhausted ego.
I am intrigued by the universal experience of this kind of exhaustion. It seems to be rife and ever more present today. Driven by the demand to earn self-worth and acceptance by being more productive, efficient, and remarkable.
This feels like a lonely way to live. Isolated, atomised, and striving for something forever just out of reach.
In The Burnout Society, Han writes, “a purely hectic rush produces nothing new. It reproduces and accelerates what is already available.”
In other words, we embark on a futile quest believing (hoping) it serves some greater purpose. But really, we keep producing and reproducing more of the same – but faster and faster. It is underpinned by an illusory belief that “being more active means being freer”.
The Eradication of BetweensHan writes that the world has lost the gift of interruption. Acceleration abolishes intervals. “Betweens” and “between-times” are lacking.
So you might say we are successfully defeating boredom.
But what are we replacing it with?
The Inspiriting Power of Fundamental TirednessHandke describes another form of tiredness…
Fundamental tiredness inspires (allows our spirit to emerge) through the between.
In this between, “no one and nothing dominates or commands”. It involves “not-doing”. The inspiration of tiredness tells us not so much what we should, as what we need not be.”
It’s the tiredness we feel together whether or not we are talking.
Presence.
Communion.
This “we-tiredness” isn’t being tired of others but tired WITH others. It’s the connection in the face of exhaustion society and the demands of a world that doesn’t let up. This kind of Sabbath spirit is time free of all “in order to”. It’s a moment of “not-to”.
“Tiredness is disarming. In the long, slow gaze of the tired person, resolution yields to a state of calm.”
This “cloud of tiredness, an ethereal tiredness”, holds us together. Where tranquility sits alongside the “gift of listening” in the “community of listeners”. In this space, we find rest through the “ability to grant deep, contemplative attention—which remains inaccessible to the hyperactive ego”.
Do you ever feel lost in a wave of “I-tiredness”? Do you long for a deeper sense of “we-tiredness”?
In a world that demands more than we can ever give, I want to connect with people in a state of we-tiredness. It sits at the heart of my vision for The Haven and underpins my slow coaching philosophy.
Permission to be. Spaces of in-between. Gathering within the cloud of ethereal tiredness. A site of gentle rebellion and compassionate connection.
If this resonates with you, I encourage you to check out The Haven. It’s a virtual sanctuary for weary travellers and sensitive souls looking for calmer rhythms, a community of like spirits, and a deep breath of playful creativity.
The post Be Tired With Me – Finding Rest in Achievement Society appeared first on Andy Mort.
How can we nurture environments and habits for playful mischief and gentle rebellion in our lives, relationships, and communities?
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I chat with Emma Bearman, the founder of Playful Anywhere, whose mission is to catalyse creativity, inventiveness and playfulness at home, work, and on our travels.
Episode Contents* The Transformative Power of Playfulness in a Serious World * Play Through Boredom, Limitations, and Our Own Resourcefulness * The Joy Of Seeing Others Have Fun * Mischievous Curiosity * Connecting Through Our Universal Experiences * Childlike Wonder and Daftness * The Space Between Here and There (or here) * A Gentle Sanctuary in The Middle Of The Noise * Play is in the Person, Not The Toy * There is Play Everywhere + Make Stories + Slow Down + Choose The Playful Lens * The Play is in You | Haven Workshop The Transformative Power of Playfulness in a Serious WorldThe benefits of play are not easily measurable. The roots go deep, and they can transform our lives, our communities, and the world over time.
Experiences are often carefully crafted so that they are consumed or performed rather than created by participants. Do we feel like we belong in the places we live? In a world oriented towards consumption, participation in making, creating, and exploring ourselves and the world can be an act of gentle rebellion.
Play Through Boredom, Limitations, and Our Own ResourcefulnessHave you ever felt creatively blocked by the paradox of choice? Can too much time and too many resource options inhibit creativity?
Emma and I discussed the potential of small places and how play is like digging deep into nothing and coming up with treasure.
The Joy Of Seeing Others Have FunEmma talks about building environments and nurturing conditions for meaningful things to grow. She doesn’t need to be in the centre and loves standing by and watching people play in spaces she has helped create.
There is something delightful about seeing something you’ve facilitated bring joy to people engaging with it.
Mischievous CuriosityPlayful mischief can include combining objects and ideas in unusual places and ways (like turning shipping containers into Playboxes).
Where are the gaps waiting for us to bring weird things together?
Playfulness is disarming. Like humour, it is a way to question the status quo without creating defensiveness in others.
You can achieve aims and create radical change in playful, friendly, cheeky ways without being antagonistic and “poking bears” with sticks.
It provides space to address serious issues without dividing and backing people into positions where they won’t listen or engage with others.
Playfulness is a soothing balm that gives us another way to hold the false binaries and positions we are often expected to adopt. It reminds us of all the common ground and the public space we can meet, grow, and engage with each other at the level of being.
Play is an empowering spirit that allows organic change to occur. It doesn’t require force or performance.
Connecting Through Our Universal ExperiencesThe question, “what was it like for you growing up?” is another disarming way to connect with people.
We all have a story and formative reasons for becoming who we are. This connection to childhood may have positive or negative memories, but they underpin this story and provide a pathway to empathy and compassion.
Play can lead to self-compassion. Allowing us to get alongside our inner child and give them what they needed but didn’t have. And we can reconnect with what gave them joy.
Childlike Wonder and DaftnessAs we grow up, we don’t need to lose our childlike wonder and daftness. On the contrary, it’s an essential aspect of our humanity.
It is liberating and constructive to say, “I don’t know the answer; let’s explore and experiment!” Rather than believing that we need to know (or pretend to know) all the answers. This is important for our well-being and is transformative as we model it for others to observe. It’s safe, accepting, and freeing.
The Space Between Here and There (or here)Play and adventure aren’t about the answer/solution/destination. They are the substance of the story. The glue that binds everything together. We can’t predict, control, or prescribe it. Things unfold as things unfold.
Ambiguity can be threatening. We want a list of tasks, up-and-to-the-right progress, and the sense that we’re “getting there”. But playfulness is a beautifully gooey timeless moment that must be explored without pressure to realise its potential.
Learning to enjoy the “I don’t know yet” space is a great way to make better decisions. It allows dots to connect in their own time. This also helps us slow down and listen to more than just the surface of a situation.
A Gentle Sanctuary in The Middle Of The NoiseEmma describes one project where her team created a quiet, down-low, gentle bubble in a noisy city centre. The energy was like a sanctuary in the middle of chaos.
We talk about Emma’s leadership approach and the power of sitting back and letting things happen. Through her approach, she gently questions the drive towards performative busyness that we engage in to feel and look worthy and valuable.
I wonder if this is one of a leader’s most undervalued roles in a community project. It takes great courage because it can look passive and feel unproductive. But it sets the pace, tone, and permission for safety and calm. It dances with the energy and infuses the environment gently (firm back, soft front).
Play is in the Person, Not The ToyPlay doesn’t have to happen in a playground. It doesn’t require equipment. It often can’t be fully described or understood. Play is a spontaneous explosion of creative energy.
It’s how we hold the world, and it can be found anywhere.
Michael Rosen describes toys as simple physical props that enable and enhance play. It might be a stick, a stone, an empty milk carton, or a shoelace.
In this sense, toys are gateways to secret worlds. They allow us to dream, imagine, and create fantastical landscapes wherever we are.
There is Play EverywhereEmma and I discussed ways to infuse everyday life with more play. What struck me was the fact that all of them are free. They don’t require us to buy or learn anything new. They are instantly accessible.
Make StoriesLook under the sofa, in your pockets, and around the room.
- Where are the missing socks?
- What would the shampoo say about the current political climate?
- How do the frozen peas feel when they wake up out of their state of deep cryogenic sleep?
Slow Down* What are the kids looking at? What is catching their attention? * How do things seem different today? * What if you changed the route and got slightly lost on the way home?
Choose The Playful Lens* When things feel heavy and serious, ask how you might see the situation if you wore your playful glasses. * Reconnect with a hobby that you used to get lost in. * Ask, “what can I do with this?” as you pick up a piece of paper, open the fridge, or collect all the clutter from the car.
The Play is in You | Haven WorkshopPlay is a training ground for flexibility. It helps us face and absorb change. The playful spirit finds possibility in adversity and wonders “what might happen if…”
It’s tempting to believe that we would be more creative and playful if we had the right equipment, resources, or tools to be so. But the truth is, we already have everything we need to get started.
The play is in YOU, not the toy. Learn more about the workshop.
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I was recently asked how I distinguish between slowness and procrastination. It got me thinking. While procrastinating can cause important stuff to stagnate, maybe slowing down is an antidote to procrastination too.
At its core, procrastination is an action that puts off, avoids, or delays our focus on a higher priority—it may be a desired outcome, an important task, or something we “should” do.
When we procrastinate, we might spread ourselves in a hundred directions. This can frustrate us when trying to start or build momentum on something essential. It might also slow us to the point of stagnation.
But if slowing down becomes our foundation, it can help us procrastinate much less. It gives us space and time to identify what matters most and move with more intention and awareness.
When we’re in a rush, we are more likely to make impulsive decisions.
The Difference Between Procrastination and GerminationHave you ever rushed into a decision, sped through something, and then wished you’d taken more time with it afterwards? Maybe you overlooked something important or didn’t give it time to grow properly.
The alternative to procrastination isn’t always to rush and “get it done”. Things need space to breathe at their own pace. In my experience, creative projects require germination periods when rather than taking overt action, I need to get out of the way so that dots can connect beneath the surface.
Sometimes the best thing to do is something else.
The Difference Between Procrastination and ExplorationNeed a good way to procrastinate? Go and research procrastination. There’s a winding (and somewhat confusing) rabbit warren down there (plenty to distract me from writing this post!)
But rabbit hole diving is not always procrastination. It can be vital to processing, developing, and connecting ideas and experiences. Of course, we can quickly judge ourselves as wasting time when the sleeve of our attention gets caught on the thorns around us, but exploration is a necessary beat in the rhythm of humanity. It opens our mind’s aperture, exposing us to new ways of seeing and thinking.
Sometimes the best thing to do is explore and see where we end up.
What Does Procrastinating Feel Like?Most of us know when we’re procrastinating. We might feel it within—a hint of guilt, tightness, and frustration. There’s often a pull of inner urgency, too, where relaxing feels impossible.
But in a world that loves to measure everything and sees growth through a lens of “up and to the right”, the same feelings we get when we procrastinate might kick in when we’re engaging in the best thing for the moment. Slowing down feels alien. Leaving space is difficult. Allowing a project, idea, or desire to take root in the soil takes tremendous courage.
Sometimes we procrastinate because we want things to happen quickly, knowing they won’t. We’ve been trained to attach growth to a feeling of usefulness and productivity. But change starts below the surface. A seed begins its journey in the dark, out of sight and beyond reach.
When you plant a seed in a pot and create conditions for the plant to grow, slowing down is not procrastination. The temptation is to keep checking, get over-involved, move it to a better spot, add more water, see if anything is happening, and add more seeds to the pot-just to hedge your bets.
Why Do We Procrastinate?There are many reasons we might procrastinate.
Maybe we are disconnected from the bigger picture (the “why” feels distant). On the contrary, we might have too MUCH of the big picture (the project feels overwhelming). We might lack clarity with too many “priorities”, a chaotic to-do list, and erratic organisation. Perhaps we’re afraid of committing, failing, or getting stuck. Maybe we are motivated by last-minute pressure and tight deadlines.
How Do We Procrastinate?When procrastination is a problem, it’s like an out-of-place beat in our rhythm. It trips up the groove and stops us from moving at our natural pace.
We often procrastinate by rushing towards something that isn’t important right now. But if we slow down and take inventory of the situation, we might be less likely to procrastinate.
We tend to choose the simplest thing to do at this moment. So what are you drawn towards when you don’t know what to do (or want to delay what you know you ought to do)?
Over-planningSome of us use planning as procrastination. It gives us the perception of usefulness when we de bogged down in vision setting, time management tools, and developing an intricate spreadsheet to keep track of things once we get started.
Stuck In The DetailWe might zone in on a tiny detail and open a rabbit hole. Maybe we decide that we’ve got to become an expert on a specific topic before we can get started.
Open To DistractionWe might look for passive distractions. Anything except for this! Plenty of scrolling on social and email checking without action because we remind ourselves that we should be doing the other thing.
In Search of a CrisisWe might scour our surroundings (and messages) for a fire to put out. A critical distraction gives us something we can’t ignore. We might leave our notifications open, ready to respond to anything in every direction. This project might become that once the deadline arrives.
Focused On ‘The Other One’Maybe we get drawn towards another vital task or project. Something we need to do but which isn’t planned for today. This might be a practical approach to work with ourselves to make desirable things happen.
What Do We Do With High Pace Procrastination Energy?Procrastination is frustrating when it accelerates us towards undesirable destinations and away from what matters most. When we speed up that way, the meaningful priority slows and stagnates. The tide starts turning when we make space for slowness at the start. To grow our awareness around what is needed (and what isn’t).
Maybe it’s not slowing down that causes procrastination, but rather the other way around. And the pace of procrastination, encouraged by a high-speed world, causes us to accelerate from the foundational depths of what matters most.
What could slowing down make possible for you today?
The post How Slowing Down Can Help Us Procrastinate Less appeared first on Andy Mort.
Are you spontaneous? Can you go with the flow when plans change or if something catches your attention and invites you to follow it?
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we look at the characteristics of spontaneous people and explore how we might add more spontaneity into everyday life. This was the topic of our Haven Theme Kota when we chatted about creating conditions for more spontaneous acts of gentle adventure and play.
Table of contents* What is Spontaneity? | 4:14 * Spontaneous Rest | 7:16 * The Spontaneous Story We Tell Ourselves | 9:10 * Building Life on Spontaneous Foundations | 11:31 * Impulsivity, Compulsiveness, and Spontaneity | 13:12 * The Space Between Stimulus and Response | 18:50 * Spontaneity and Gentle Rebellion | 22:47 * Impulsive Goals | 24:25 * Spontaneous Acts of Kindness | 28:01 * Trying Not to Try | 36:43 * Spontaneity Grows in the Gaps | 40:23 * How To Practice Being More Spontaneous | 42:33 What is Spontaneity? | 4:14
“Spontaneity is enjoying the moment as it unfolds or experiencing something unexpected with open arms. Spontaneity is agile, adaptable, and responsive to new information. It is a willingness to go in a new direction at a moment’s notice. It is a creative burst of energy.”
Ann C. Holm
We might imagine spontaneous people as being constantly on the move. Highly energised and ready for an adventure at the drop of a hat. But it’s less about what we do and more about how we hold life’s invitations.
Spontaneity is an active willingness and participation in the choice.
As Holm writes, “it’s not completely without restraint. Someone spontaneous tends to take a quick inventory of the big picture before deciding to proceed.“
A spontaneous decision “occurs without external stimulus”, controlling or compelling it. Spontaneity is freedom from pressure and expectation.
Spontaneous Rest | 7:16Is rest a spontaneous option for you?
Rest might not be an option, primarily when other demands compete for attention. As such, we often push ourselves to the point where rest is no longer chosen willingly. Finally, we are exhausted and have no choice but to stop.
Spontaneous rest should be an option if we want to enjoy more sustainable rhythms and energising routines. Maybe it’s about flipping the compulsion to earn rest by doing a bit more first and saying instead, “I might do a little more after I’ve had a rest”. How often does the “more” feel less critical through a well-rested lens?
The Spontaneous Story We Tell Ourselves | 9:10We might close the door to spontaneous choices with the labels we use to understand ourselves. These can be helpful, but sometimes the story we tell ourselves about who we are can compel us to act in specific ways and diminish our preferences and desires.
This might mean we hold ourselves back from accepting one of life’s spontaneous detours.
Building Life on Spontaneous Foundations | 11:31Spontaneity isn’t a demand to say yes to everything. It’s simply the willingness for yes to be an option. What if we could create the conditions for spontaneous growth in a meaningful direction?
When connected to our core personal values, we have an inbuilt compass that guides our response to the inspiration around us. In addition, it gives us confidence in our intuition when filtering any opportunities and invitations that may appear.
Impulsivity, Compulsiveness, and Spontaneity | 13:12We all experience impulses. The urges, instincts, and gut feelings that prompt us to react. But what do we do with the impulse?
Impulsivity = acting based on the urge (no second thought about implications or consequences)
Compulsiveness = acting without thinking (a habit that “just happens”)
Spontaneous = the choice to flow in a different direction (aware and accepting of potential implications/consequences)
The Space Between Stimulus and Response | 18:50Shops place items they know people will impulse buy next to the checkout. They want as little time as possible between the impulse and the purchase. Otherwise, the shopper might “think better of it”. The impulse is to pick up the item, and the second thought tells us to put it back. Spontaneity is the third thought, which is deciding whether to go with the first impulse and make something of it.
Spontaneity and Gentle Rebellion | 22:47When we hold the world with a spirit of gentle rebellion, we are open to possibilities outside of any compelling forces. It allows us to see the world through our eyes and make meaningful and intentional choices about the reality we are part of creating.
In this sense, gentle rebellion is a spontaneous spirit. It is open to new routes and approaches. It is creativity in action. Of course, there is no guarantee that things will work out for the best, but the decision is made despite that, not ignorant of it.
Impulsive Goals | 24:25The world oozes urgency and impulsiveness. It wants us to act without thinking and think without acting.
If we are driven by the injunction constantly to grow, pursue success, and find happiness without knowing what those things mean for us, our goals can become traps. They take us where we wouldn’t choose to go if we stopped to think about it. So instead, we follow the crowd, buy another tool, and sign up for the program that promises to solve our problems.
When our decisions are based on fear, we act impulsively, not spontaneously.
Sometimes the spontaneous thing to do is nothing. To slow down, wait, and allow the fear to pass through.
Spontaneous Acts of Kindness | 28:01Our impulses often point in a good direction. For example, we might be urged to say something encouraging or do something nice for someone. The instinct to connect and empathise is very natural. But our second thoughts can derail the process.
It always seems strange that we are surprised by acts of kindness. They seem like moments that successfully get through the defences. We talk ourselves out of doing the good thing that initially occurred to us. Maybe we convince ourselves that we would be bothering the other person, we might be afraid of what people would think of us, or we might overthink and overcomplicate a simple gesture.
Spontaneity is the third thought. It returns to the original impulse and decides to flow with it.
Trying Not to Try | 36:43In his book, Trying Not to Try: The Art and Science of Spontaneity, Edward Slingerland cites cognitive science research that points to spontaneity as a source of trust in our social bonds. We are drawn to spontaneous people because it makes them more trustworthy and less calculating, cold, and robotic.
Spontaneity Grows in the Gaps | 40:23
“We over-structure our lives and plan too much…Most people don’t have any gaps in their day to play.”
Edward Slingerland
We might think of spontaneity as making the most of every day. But this can be another trap, especially when we feel pressured to say yes to every invitation and opportunity.
Fear of missing out is the opposite of a spontaneous spirit. It’s a coerced, not a willing yes. It is always left wanting, always grasping for more.
How To Practice Being More Spontaneous | 42:33Spontaneity is a muscle we can grow with the right environment around us.
Time with other people can be a platform for spontaneous happenings. It happens when we nurture space for boredom (gaps in the day). The door opens when we exchange the question “what can this do for me?” with “what could I do with this?“. Creative spontaneity explodes into life when we embrace mistakes as happy accident gateways to magical new worlds.
An Unexpected Detour | 50:37I finish the episode with a narrative soundscape meditation. It came from a reflection on the theme of adventure. I imagined it growing from a tiny delicate seed—a quiet invitation on the regular route home that we meet with openness and a soft yes.
What could this make possible?
The Haven is a virtual sanctuary that provides refuge for weary travellers and sensitive souls looking for a calmer rhythm, friends who get them, and a deep breath of playful creativity. It’s an invitation home for those seeking inspiration, encouragement, and support as you nurture a meaningful and sustainable life alongside others who “get it”.
The post 24 | How To Be More Spontaneous (and Less Impulsive) appeared first on Andy Mort.
Confidence grows when we feel safe to fail and make mistakes.
Sports people typically attribute confidence to believing they can beat anyone. So I was surprised when an England cricketer linked the team’s recent historic success to their willingness to lose games.
The England test cricket team has been playing a completely different brand of cricket. It’s expansive, exciting, and “fearless“. As a result, it comes across as extremely confident. But is that confidence built on what they can expect to happen when they fail instead of simply believing they can beat everyone?
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I explore the idea that confidence (and excellence) can be grown in unlikely places when people, things, cultures, and processes make it feel safe to mess up.
Table of contents* The Three Little Pigs | 3:12 + Confidence And The Desired Outcome | 10:16 + Misplaced Confidence | 13:50 + Confidence is The Safety to Fail | 20:10 * Good Leaders Show It’s Safe To Fail | 28:30 * Playing It Safe Is a Failure of Safety | 31:32 + Bringing vs Burying Failure | 33:48 * What Happens When We Run Out? | 36:32 * Fear of Being Misunderstood (Bad Faith Is Unsafe) | 41:00 + The Team Makes It Safe To Fail, The Crowd Not So Much | 45:20 * Arrogance (“Over-Confidence”) is a Lack of True Confidence | 50:32 * Safety To Fail And The Road To Excellence | 57:40 * Hunting For Confidence (A Courtyard Workshop) | 58:56 The Three Little Pigs | 3:12Do you remember the story of the Three Little Pigs? It’s a perfect tale to help us consider different sources of confidence in everyday life.
Confidence And The Desired Outcome | 10:16We often think about confidence in broad and general terms. When we do this, very few of us would not wish we had more of it, making us susceptible to products and services advertised with a promise of helping us become more confident and self-assured in life.
As such, we will always come up short again. So it’s far better to consider our confidence in particular situations, environments, and projects.
The three pigs had an objective. They needed to build strong, resilient houses that withstand adverse winter weather and keep the big bad wolf at bay.
Misplaced Confidence | 13:50The first little pig wanted to build his house as quickly as possible so he could play. He had confidence that there was nothing to worry about.
The second little pig wanted to build a better house but was distracted when he saw his brother playing. He had confidence that if there weren’t any storms or wolves, things would probably be okay.
The third little pig wanted to build a house that he could trust. He had confidence that if he did the job properly, his home would protect him from the weather and the wolf.
Confidence is The Safety to Fail | 20:10The third little pig creates a safe environment. WHEN the winter weather hits and WHEN the wolf comes knocking, he knows he can rely on the house he’s built to keep him safe from what would otherwise be harmful.
The environment that the current English cricket leadership have built is similar. Rather than saying, “we won’t lose”, like the first two pigs, they have created an infrastructure around the safety TO lose.
Safety is a source of confidence. It means you’re free to focus on what matters more than worrying about what happens when things go wrong.
Good Leaders Show It’s Safe To Fail | 28:30We are often so afraid of failure that we try to deny its inevitability. However, in many industries, if you’re not failing, you’re not succeeding. Failure is a by-product of taking risks. If you work in intelligence, innovation, or any industry that makes predictions, if you’re not getting things wrong, you’re not taking the necessary risks to get things right.
Certainty is only possible when it’s too late.
The best leaders show us that it’s safe to fail. Not to encourage sloppiness but to reassure us that it will be OK on the other side. So we have the freedom and confidence to grow without fear when it feels safe to fail.
Playing It Safe Is a Failure of Safety | 31:32We protect ourselves, keep things small, and avoid waste when we play things safe. This is NOT the kind of safety we need. But playing BECAUSE things are safe is a different matter. It’s underpinned by the assurance that: “We will figure out what to do if it goes wrong.”
The safety of making mistakes isn’t the elimination of accountability for them. Our failure doesn’t become someone else’s problem to clean up. But we are given a clear sense of process and support to be confident if things go wrong.
We might need to go and have some difficult conversations and fix whatever broke. But we know that the consequences are not fatal. We will not be exiled, thrown out, or banished from the social order. And a good leader makes taking responsibility for failure more attractive than keeping it secret.
Bringing vs Burying Failure | 33:48Just because the implications of mistakes can be bad, it doesn’t stop them from occurring. Wherever uncertainty exists, so too does the possibility of human error. And there will be less-than-perfect solutions where humans must make judgement calls.
If we are told that “whatever we do, we must not fail”, then we have to hide it when we do. So we hide, cover up, blame, dig deeper holes, and worsen the problems.
Healthy cultures bring failure early and know that when they do, it will get worked out…rewarding ownership and responsibility – met, not with passivity, but with action. A safe leader doesn’t just abandon or disown someone who makes a mistake; they use it as an opportunity for growth. Taking responsibility feels more rewarding, secure, and attractive than covering up or pretending it didn’t happen.
What Happens When We Run Out? | 36:32Our relationship with the idea of scarcity can affect our confidence. If we’ve been taught to fear squandering and wasting resources and opportunities, our focus can be consumed by a feeling of scarcity. This can be a source of anxiety about running out, losing out, or missing out. As a result, we might become miserly, hoard, and resent others.
Confidence is grounded in assurance that even if “there’s no more once that’s all gone”, we will still be fundamentally okay. This gives us a platform to build sustainability into our relationship with life.
Fear of Being Misunderstood (Bad Faith Is Unsafe) | 41:00We can lose confidence when we fear the consequences of our words and actions, especially when we can’t be sure how they will be received and interpreted.
This happens through “bad faith” when we filter what we hear through a desire to confirm something we want to hear. It takes courage and bravery to speak up despite being misunderstood. They may or may not be consciously aware they do it, but people make it their mission to misunderstand others. They receive and interpret the actions and words of other people with bad faith.
In The Courage to Be Disliked, Kishimi and Koga write about Adler’s definition of freedom, which isn’t the absence of something undesirable but the acceptance and willingness to face it. This is the fundamental principle behind having the courage to be disliked. We will be disliked by someone whether we like it or not. It’s a trap to dedicate ourselves to trying to be liked.
Likewise, confidence can grow when we accept that we will be disliked, misunderstood, and interpreted in bad faith. Or, like the England cricket team, freedom is being willing to lose.
This kind of freedom is a deep source of strength and confidence. It liberates us from the games people play and from fear of what might happen if we don’t play correctly.
The Team Makes It Safe To Fail, The Crowd Not So Much | 45:20The crowd is not a source of confidence. On the contrary, it’s fundamentally unsafe and volatile. It can turn on you without warning.
But the team is an environment we can control with a clear and unified vision. And while you may lose your place in the group when better players come along or you reach the end of your career, you will forever be a character in its story—part of the history. No one can take that away.
Confidence comes from accepting that no one individual is bigger than the team. No one will be here forever. It’s nothing personal. It’s just life. But you are forever written into the story of this thing.
Arrogance (“Over-Confidence”) is a Lack of True Confidence | 50:32Confidence is built on the safety of failing, whereas arrogance is built on fear of failure. Therefore, an arrogant person has been taught to believe that failure is not an option because it’s about them as a person. It is intrinsically linked to their value and worth as a human.
We can recognise the difference between confidence and arrogance in others by understanding how they leave us feeling.
When you spend time with a confident person, you feel positive about yourself. Conversely, when you spend time with an arrogant person, you have lower self-esteem and self-worth. Confidence lifts us; arrogance presses us down.
Arrogance rolls its eyes when you make a mistake. Their judgement is a distracting thorn, reminding you that failure is not okay. On the other hand, confidence shoots a reassuring look that tells you it’s safe to give it a go, reminding you that whatever happens, you are fundamentally okay.
Safety To Fail And The Road To Excellence | 57:40Arrogance nurtures average.
It is afraid of failure because it’s unsafe to make mistakes. If we are so scared to fail, we play it safe. We protect ourselves, blame others, and hold back from taking the necessary risks for the rewards we want.
Conversely, when we encourage failure and get more comfortable and better at it, we pave the way towards excellence.
This safety can’t be nurtured alone, though. It’s hard, if not impossible, to think yourself confident. But we CAN gradually build confidence as we recognise where this kind of safety to fail comes from. We can start to surround ourselves with people, things, approaches, processes, and stories that show us that it’s safe to fail.
Hunting For Confidence (A Courtyard Workshop) | 58:56Most of us would like a bit more confidence at times.
But what does it mean to be confident?
We often think of it as a feeling in itself. We hear people talk about “faking it ’til you make it” and the power of self-talk and mindset to help us feel more confident. And while these can be useful to consider, they are only a tiny part of the big picture because confidence is usually a by-product of other feelings.
When we think we want to feel confident, we might be saying we want to feel safe and be able to trust in something or someone outside us. In other words, we are confident when our need for security, acceptance, belonging, connection, authenticity etc., are met.
We talk to people in confidence (assured that they won’t tell others what we say), and we place our confidence in leaders (assured that they will work in the interests of their followers). We put confidence in objects, resources, and tools (assured that the car will get us from where we are to where we want to go).
In this workshop, we build on this idea in practical ways. It’s a chance to think about an area of life you want to feel confident in and look at it through different lenses of confidence. You will end up with simple ways to build confidence in your situation or project.
*Get instant access to the workshop here*
The post 23 | What If It’s Not Safe To Fail? appeared first on Andy Mort.
Since early 2021, I’ve been haunted by a tweet I read: “If you’re not grimacing every time you look at old work, then you aren’t growing.”
I decided that I needed to put the icky feeling to use. So I’m using it as inspiration for an exploratory journey into creative growth and self-compassion. Because I don’t want to live in a world where people grimace every time they look at their “old work”. That sounds like hell.
So in this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I want to explore how we might enjoy, rather than belittle, the bravery that gave rise to “old work”. We will think about the difference between casting and using judgement to develop, mature and grow as people and in our creativity. And open up space for healthy foundational growth that doesn’t follow a one-dimensional linear path.
Episode contents* Creative Growth WITHOUT Grimace | 1:38 + Grimace-Growth is Imbalanced | 7:5 + What Does Creative Growth Look Like? | 12:46 + There Are Different Grimaces | 16:21 * Using vs Casting Judgement | 20:55 + Judgement as Shame (“I should be better”) | 23:36 + Judgement of Project (“this could be improved”) | 25:22 + Judgement of Opportunities and Desires | 29:35 * Using Feelings of Inferiority | 42:52 + Superiority Complex is an Inferiority Complex | 44:43 + Victim Mindset | 47:06 + Demands For The External World To Change | 48:24 + Willing Others To Fail | 49:06 * Replace The Disowning Grimace | 53:54 + Make Peace With Past Efforts (Equal But Not The Same) | 55:00 * Handing Over: A Bridge From Somewhere to Elsewhere | 56:11 Creative Growth WITHOUT Grimace | 1:38When I internalise this grimace, it’s not just about my relationship with my old work. It’s about how I hold myself and other people. It’s about how I relate to EVERYTHING. So, for example, if I was doing the best I could and still grimace when I look back at it, what am I doing with other people who are doing the best they can where they are?
What sort of world does this approach create in the long run?
Grimace-Growth is Imbalanced | 7:5It’s tough to grow from a healthy foundation when we feel the grimace looking at us. It evokes shame, embarrassment, and humiliation. It can leave us in a spirit of urgency and desperation.
What Does Creative Growth Look Like? | 12:46In The Burnout Society, Byung-Chul Han writes about the rate of acceleration in the world and what is happening to a culture that erodes “intervals, betweens, and interruptions”, replacing them with restlessness, hyperactivity and mental exhaustion.
Positivisation pedals the idea that action makes us free, yet we see it doing the opposite. In the name of “growth” and “progress”, we are becoming automatic performance machines rather than subjective beings with the power “not to do”.
Growth isn’t endless. It hits limits all the time.
We reach a point where we won’t get taller, our capacity for physical strength peaks, and our hair gets thin.
How do you know you’re moving in the right direction? What does it mean to keep growing as people? Is this a trap that separates us from ourselves?
There Are Different Grimaces | 16:21Not all grimaces are the same. The same facial expression can communicate different aspects of personal and creative growth.
The “Last Big Push” Grimace: a facial contortion that shows you put every ounce of energy into striving towards the end (e.g. getting down the home stretch and over the finish line).
The “Something’s Wrong” Grimace: reacting to a disturbance in the anticipated flow (e.g. a wrong note, weird flash, bad smell, or strange taste).
The “I Couldn’t Do That” Grimace: a reaction to seeing someone do something scary or out of reach and imagining yourself doing it yourself (e.g. the idea of public speaking).
The “Embarrassed For You” Grimace: cringing at something someone else has done – perhaps a relatable failure (“I know the feeling, and I’m glad it’s you, not me”) or a judgement (“what were you thinking!?”)
The “Wish I was You” Grimace: seeing someone in a position you wish you were in and being unable to hide envy or resentment.
The “Wish I Wasn’t Me” Grimace: seeing yourself through a critical lens and feeling embarrassed (e.g. looking at old work and cringing).
Using vs Casting Judgement | 20:55There is a difference between using and casting judgement.
We USE judgement through critical thinking. It helps us assess how well something matches specific criteria, standards, or expectations. “Judges” use this when weighing or scoring.
We CAST judgement when we assess something or someone without a measurable framework. Those we might think of as “judgemental” have something to say about everything and everyone, holding them to an unknowable set of standards.
When building a healthy relationship with ourselves, it’s helpful to recognise the difference between using and casting judgement.
We might be like a judge who scores the dancer zero simply because they didn’t take a shine to them. But, unfortunately, it doesn’t help us grow because it gives us nothing of use to help us raise our standards. There is nothing we can do to improve.
Judgement as Shame (“I should be better”) | 23:36Casting judgement is a gateway to shame because it separates the criticism from anything concrete. It can mean that no matter what we do we will never feel good enough. This story is internalised through the judgemental grimace that we are compelled to view all old work with.
Shame leads to perfectionism and an inability to let go for fear of what people will think of us (not the work). Creative growth is only possible through being brave and letting go. But letting go gets more challenging when we know people are judging us. The irony of the tweet is that it makes us painfully aware of this kind of judgement. Yet it’s coming from within.
In other words, if you’re grimacing every time you look at old work, you’re making it hard to grow.
Judgement of Project (“this could be improved”) | 25:22Rather than judging at the level of being, we can view ourselves as separate from our projects. It starts by separating our self-worth from our personal and creative projects.
We might look at a relationship, a creative project, a business, a work situation etc. and use judgement to say, “this isn’t working as I’d like it to” we can take an objective look at it and say, “what can I do to help improve it?” rather than “why am I such an idiot?”
The sense that “this could be improved” has criteria attached. We know what we are improving and where we are taking that process. If we can’t define improvement, we are casting judgement rather than using it.
If we don’t know what “better”, “successful”, and “growing” means, we are setting ourselves up to fail from the start.
Judgement of Opportunities and Desires | 29:35We can use judgement to make decisions in service of the bigger picture. For example, we can use criteria that make it easier to say no to the opportunity or request rather than the person behind it. Our measures provide a filter that we can respond through.
Sensitive people can find it hard to say no. It might feel like a rejection of the other person. So this is a helpful way to respond to requests that don’t fit our plans.
We can use questions to probe more deeply if we’re unsure whether something is a good fit for us. This is a great way to uncover awareness about what we want more of in life. I talk about this in more depth in the episode.
Using Feelings of Inferiority | 42:52We are currently reading The Courage To Be Disliked in The Haven. The book unpacks the difference between feelings of inferiority and inferiority complexes. And it describes the pursuit of superiority as something positive and healthy.
Feelings of inferiority underpin desire, through which we enjoy what we don’t have (the journey/process). Desire gives life meaning because it allows us to see where we are and consider how we can improve and grow in ourselves and the world around us.
This pursuit of superiority is not striving to be better than others. But we desire to grow, improve, and advance our situation. It is not a linear pathway either. It’s relative, and we can only define it for ourselves.
- How can we hold and relate to our past (including old work, choices, experiences etc.) compassionately and gracefully?
- Can we integrate and absorb rather than separate and disown?
- How can who I was, be both in the past and the present without it defining or limiting me?
- How can it be a chapter in the story that I can hold, not with critical judgement, but with joy, laughter, and humour?
Superiority Complex is an Inferiority Complex | 44:43A complex grows when we hold our feelings of inferiority and pursuit of superiority within a competitive frame. In other words, we allow our self-concept to be influenced and defined by comparison with others. As a result, we are either in the shadow of others or trying to overshadow them.
The book uses an example of harbouring an inferiority complex about education, where we might think we can’t succeed because we’re not well educated. This is also a superiority complex because it implies that if we were well educated, we would be better than we are.
A complex places us as the victim of the conditions in the world around us. It’s perpetually disempowering.
Victim Mindset | 47:06The book says, “if we ask ourselves who is the strongest person in our culture, the logical answer would be the baby. The baby rules and cannot be dominated.’ The baby rules over the adults with his weakness. And because of this weakness, no one can control him.”
This mentality is one of superiority because it rejects the connection. Instead of seeking to hear and empathise, the person declares, “you can’t understand what it’s like to be me”. And while “completely understanding the feelings of the person who is suffering is something that no one is capable of”, we might encounter people who define themselves that way, making it impossible to connect and relate.
Demands For The External World To Change | 48:24When we say “you wouldn’t understand”, we are shutting the door to the kind of connection that creates change. Instead, we enjoy the story we can use to separate us from others and maintain the status quo.
Willing Others To Fail | 49:06This mindset might turn our attention and energy towards willing others to fail. Rather than pursuing superiority on our journey, we might become preoccupied with what the other person is doing and determined to beat them.
Replace The Disowning Grimace | 53:54Self-worth cannot be earned. It can only be realised when we replace the grimace with internal acceptance, grace, and compassion.
This requires us to reject the grimace and greet our old work with a more generous spirit.
Make Peace With Past Efforts (Equal But Not The Same) | 55:00How might we make peace with past efforts? We don’t need to scoff, belittle, and disown those moments in the story. What if we can celebrate the bravery and enjoy how far we’ve come together?
Handing Over: A Bridge From Somewhere to Elsewhere | 56:11I am starting to practice this on Patreon as I go through some of my old musical work. I want to learn how to do this with graceful acceptance and joy.
How can I look at old work with self-compassion and gentleness? What can I learn from that past self? What am I grateful for and appreciative of?
I want this to be a project that supports, encourages, and inspires others. It’s an opportunity to reflect on our story so far and to consider the possibilities for what comes next.
So if you feel the scorn and shame of self-judgement holding you back from letting creative play flow, this is an opportunity to explore some of this together.
I hope you’ll join me: https://patreon.com/andymort
The post 22 | Grimacing Isn’t a Necessary Part of Personal and Creative Growth appeared first on Andy Mort.
A part of us is always there, regardless of our choices and circumstances. Call it awareness, presence, witness, observer, soul, spirit, truth etc. It’s the undefinable absence of concrete categories. A constant self flows beneath language and symbolic identity.
I often wonder what gives a piece of music its identity. Why is one piece not another? It sounds like a silly question. But I find it hard to answer. Is it the melody? Its title? The instruments? Maybe music is defined by its layers, tempo, tone, or how it’s played. Perhaps it’s a particular recording or performance. The “sound”?
A piece of music is often recognisable, even when elements are missing or changed.
This resonates with the image of our constant self. The thing that allows you to know who you are even when the metaphorical instruments, arrangement, and lyrics change on the surface.
Severance and The Constant SelfThe TV show Severance is set in a world where you can get a procedure to divide your brain in two. So you can separate your Work Self and Non-Work Self. In other words, when someone goes to work, they have no memory or understanding of what they do outside work, and when they go home, they have no idea what they do AT work.
But even though they have no access to the other self’s thoughts, beliefs, and desires, there are consistencies beyond physical appearance. There is a flow of constant self from one to the other, evident not in their choices but in something more challenging to define.
A True Self?People often talk about ‘finding your true self’. But that’s a project of language and structured thought. It can lead us in circles.
Likewise, you don’t find music’s “truth” or essence by talking about, analysing, and deconstructing it. If you strip it for parts, you might be able to reverse engineer the component aspects, but you won’t find its essence. By the time you finish, there will be nothing left.
And perhaps that’s part of the point. What makes us who we are and not someone else, what makes a piece of music, not another piece, is in the betweenness, the spaces, the emptiness around the edges.
Playing The Constant SelfOur understanding of the world is built on thoughts, constructs, and the drive to understand. But humans are more than the sum of those things.
We might come to this music question with a desperation to figure it out. But I’m not sure any answer will be adequate or enough. It’s a question that ultimately confronts us with an unanswerable mystery.
You find the truth in music when you allow it to play. You “get” it when you don’t try to understand it. But this sense of understanding is a glancing blow, a disturbance, a wave.
I’ve been playing with this question in my creative exploration this year. For example, I produced a piece of ambient instrumental music alongside a podcast episode about the characteristics of strength.
Loops, Patterns, and New FamiliarityI built the music on a series of loops (all different lengths), which dance and weave over the seventeen minutes. The sound changes and new ideas bleed in and out, but there’s a constant underpinning. A sea of sound that absorbs and reflects the dance as it hits the surface.
I recently heard someone say that a compelling book is both alien (providing new insights and challenging ideas) and a return home (a resonance with something we have been waiting to put into words).
Music is like that. When a piece of music resonates, it pulls us out of our comfortable space. As a result, it can feel alien and strange. But at the same time, it is like a call home. It gives us something we didn’t know we were waiting for but which, once heard, we cannot imagine having been without.
In music, we are surrounded by the ghosts of what has been and the dream of what could come. But this is the ocean beneath the surface. Impossible to describe.
Life is the same. We are always moving forwards, but the past lingers. We change, grow, and evolve, and yet something remains.
The Constant Self ripples in response to disturbances and resonances. This oceanic depth reflects the shimmers of light, casting it in a thousand directions into the world around it. The light refracts through the water, absorbed within the constant self.
This place holds life and keeps going. It’s the ever-present consciousness—the witness in between, everywhere and nowhere.
Outside of rigid certainty is the site of creativity. It’s where life grows, changes, and evolves, and from which we become who we appear to be.
Looking For More Creative Flow?I’d love to help you make space and time for more creative flow experiences. If you want to do more of that this year but are overwhelmed and confused about where to start, a conversation is often a great way to unblock what’s stopping you. Learn more and book a chat with me here: https://www.andymort.com/slow-coaching/
The post Your Constant Self is The Music Inside You appeared first on Andy Mort.
Machines can obviously perform tasks that once required human intuition and creativity. So what do we have left? In the long run, is there anything in human thinking that will differentiate us from artificial intelligence?
Yes.
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I talk to neuropsychology professor and author Dr Chris Niebauer, who is the author of No Self, No Problem: How Neuropsychology is Catching Up To Buddhism.
There is so much to unpack about creative play, flow, and learning to hold ourselves and the world in more helpful, healthy, and humane ways. Since I first read the book, I’ve wanted to speak with Chris. And if you’ve ever wondered who you are, then I’m sure you’ll enjoy our conversation!
Episode contents* “Where is the self when no one is thinking about it?” | 10:22 + Thinking With a Both/And Approach | 14:32 * Split-Brain Research and Investigating Two Sides of The Mind | 15:04 * Tools of The Thinking Interpreter | 18:22 + Who is Left When Things Change? | 19:18 * Thinking Through The Past, Future, and Present | 21:06 + How To Engage The Right Brain Without Over-thinking It | 25:46 + You Can’t Force The Right Brain To Play With Left Brain Thinking | 30:14 + Don’t Confuse The Symbol For The Thing | 33:51 * Embracing Non-Dualism in a Binary World| 35:37 + Thinking of Life as an Escape Room | 36:22 + Most of Everything is Nothing | 1:07 * The Joy of Bad Days | 45:23 * Memory, Meaning, and The Constant Self | 1:07 + Playing With The Story of Self | 58:43 * Mind 2.0 (Human Creativity and Artificial Intelligence) | 64:31 * Music Inspired By The Conversation | 75:34 + Support My Music on Patreon The way we process information and make decisions is heavily influenced by the functioning of our brain, precisely the distinction between the left and right hemispheres. While the left hemisphere is associated with logical and analytical thinking, the right hemisphere is thought to be responsible for creative and intuitive thinking. But is it really that simple?
“Where is the self when no one is thinking about it?” | 10:22Chris says that many of the problems we experience in life are tied to our self-concept. The question of who we are. Or who we believe ourselves to be. But what if the self is little more than a series of stories we tell ourselves through categories, names, and labels?
Do these explain what it really means to be us?
Who are you when you’re not thinking about it?
Thinking With a Both/And Approach | 14:32We are not searching for the true self on one side or the other. We want the enjoy the dance of left and right brain integration in our experiences.
Split-Brain Research and Investigating Two Sides of The Mind | 15:04Split-brain research refers to the study of the effects of severing the corpus callosum, the structure that connects the two hemispheres of the brain. It suggests there are two fundamentally different modes of processing the world, which we can shift between.
This has led to the popular idea that the brain’s left hemisphere is more logical and analytical and processes language. In contrast, the right hemisphere is more creative and intuitive and processes spatial information.
For more information about split-brain research, Chris recommends The Master and His Emissary: The Divided Brain and the Making of the Western World by Iain McGilchrist.
Tools of The Thinking Interpreter | 18:22The split-brain studies found an inner interpreter in the left brain, which makes up stories to explain the world and justify our decisions. Categorical identities inform our judgements and beliefs. The story of me that can be taken away at any minute (what we invest our sense of identity in).
We need categories, judgements, and beliefs but problems often stem from how we hold them to the idea of an essential or true self.
The right brain embraces a more eternal, non-material, and non-categorical position. The self is fundamentally mysterious; if you think you’ve pinned it down, it will escape your grasp. It’s attracted to not knowing and mystery. It’s an excellent partner for creativity because it takes us further into the questions rather than pursuing a definitive, once and for all, answer. This is the source of profound and wonderful meaning in life.
Who is Left When Things Change? | 19:18If we attach our sense of self to abilities, labels, and circumstances, what happens if those things are lost or changed? The left brain creates constructs to help us understand and filter the world, but if we over-identify with them, they can cause create anguish when they disappear. Who are you beneath those current realities? Who would be left if things shifted?
Thinking helped us evolve as a species. It sets us apart from other animals. It’s a blessing when we use it in the right way. It gets us out of problems, helps us improve situations, and gives us bodily survival. But this is not the totality of what it means to be human.
Are we using the mind, or is the mind using us? Is there more to us than our thinking? Are we more than our thoughts?
Thinking Through The Past, Future, and Present | 21:06The left brain is interested in using the past to inform the future. It can actively and creatively shift the trajectory of life. It’s amazing! But it can also cause us distress when we become caught up in its stories.
The right brain is our ever-presence. The observer beneath the noise of thought. It is only here now, absorbed in the always current moment.
We might think of the distinction as the left brain designing the tool and the right brain becoming absorbed in the flow of making things with the tool. The left brain might rush to find answers to change the future, whereas the right brain is patient, rhythmic, and can only experience the present.
How To Engage The Right Brain Without Over-thinking It | 25:46Thinking defines much of our existence. We think we’re thinking all the time, but we are also in right-brain modes of processing more than we realise. Chris suggests an exercise to help us become aware of these moments of flow and play. He links this awareness to the idea that “it’s never too late to have a happy childhood”.
We play the piano; we don’t work it.
When the thinking mind returns online, it tries to diminish what was happening when it wasn’t there. Like someone who shows up late to a party and doesn’t believe it started until they get there. Everything is seen from the left brain’s reality.
The left brain is serious. The right brain is more playful.
You Can’t Force The Right Brain To Play With Left Brain Thinking | 30:14It’s said that “you can’t get there from here”.
You can only philosophise about this so much. It’s the mode of left-brain thinking. So we need to create conditions for right brain processing.
It happens when we “zone out” – driving to work with the radio on, singing along, and losing ourselves to the moment. Then the left brain kicks in at work, and we assess that moment as “zoning out”.
The left brain plays unending games of self-improvement. The quest for the perfect process takes us away from the right brain in our search for flow. We measure things, challenge ourselves, and gamify for progress. There is a subtle difference between gamification and play in this context.
When we come to a right brain activity, the left brain loves to sabotage it (measuring it, growing it, turning it into competition etc.).
A part of you is always already in the present moment. “Trying” to get into it is just another left-brain thing.
It’s not about getting rid of the left brain; it’s about integrating it into a more balanced life.
Don’t Confuse The Symbol For The Thing | 33:51Language is a left-brain phenomenon. It’s amazing. It’s the core of civilisation. But it also tricks us into mistaking symbols for things. So words become what they’re not. They can hurt even though they are not intrinsically painful.
The left brain might say, “I recognise these games, and I’m going to stop playing them”, but that’s another form of the game.
Embracing Non-Dualism in a Binary World| 35:37The world feels dualistic. We are separate from each other. But this is our way of understanding an uncertain and mysterious reality through categorisation and storytelling. In other words, the left brain gives structure so that we can be productive. But this productivity doesn’t have an essential truth to it. It’s just fun. We can play with it as we learn to see it as it is.
Thinking of Life as an Escape Room | 36:22Chris suggests we might imagine life like an escape room surrounded by clues that take us home. There’s something intrinsically resonant with the idea of finding our way home. He suggests we can think of human existence, where consciousness got lost in the left brain stories, but we are full of clues to the mystery of life. And we can think of our lives as a playful exercise in piecing together a puzzle, where each experience holds the key for the next room.
Maybe we get to figure things out like it’s a mystery to explore and enjoy. We move through various rooms that transform us and bring us back to where we started. Like a song or a circular walk, it’s about the process to get back to where we started, not the destination itself.
It’s all about what happens between here and here.
Most of Everything is Nothing | 1:07Most of everything is nothing. Try to think about emptiness. You can’t think about the infinite nothingness of space and time. Our left brain clambers for something concrete, but the fun thing about those concepts is they are impossible to grasp.
When we confuse the symbol for the thing itself, we fail to hold the object’s reality because most of it is nothing. Eternity is an excellent example of a word we speak but cannot grasp. When we use language to define things, we try to categorise them. But there is much more to everything than we can hope to capture with a sound or scribble.
Without space, we have no form. Therefore, void is form, and form is void.
The left brain can only focus on nominal symbols and objects (things we give names to), while the right brain focuses on emptiness and space. It’s the silence between the notes—the margin around the edges.
The Joy of Bad Days | 45:23We often tell people to “have a good day”. But good days are dependent on bad days. So, likewise, joy is dependent on the struggle.
Many of my most memorable and meaningful days have been underpinned by finding something I lost, fixing something I broke, or succeeding at something I feared or previously failed. Finding, fixing, growing, healing, and succeeding all require life not to be perfect.
We wouldn’t choose to suffer, but we can understand how suffering creates meaning, connection, and creativity. Through suffering, we find opportunities to come together, innovate, and build relationships between people and things that change the world.
Memory, Meaning, and The Constant Self | 1:07The left brain loves the story of continuity. It wants a single Self that is the same throughout life. But what IS the constant self? It’s something more profound than identity.
Identity changes many times each day, and it will ebb, flow, and morph over a lifetime. Things will become more or less important and feel more or less natural, depending on the story we tell ourselves based on the story the world values at any given moment. So there is something else that provides our sense of what it means to feel ourselves. Awareness. Observation. Consciousness.
Playing With The Story of Self | 58:43When we surrender our absolute identification with the left brain processes, there is a shift, and the right brain becomes more valued and playful. When we approach it with playfulness (not seriousness about playfulness), all the left-brain stories become less serious, and we can have some fun with them. They can become harmless if the playful side of our spirit approaches them.
Maybe there are positive selves that come out. We don’t need to identify with them, but we can enjoy them. We can hold them lightly. Suffering comes from holding our desire too seriously and tightly.
We will likely suffer if we take a story too seriously (positive or negative). This is not a rule; it’s an observation of the mechanics of the mind. All identities, if taken playfully, have the potential to work out wonderfully.
Mind 2.0 (Human Creativity and Artificial Intelligence) | 64:31Until now, homo-sapiens have dominated the planet as the most clever thinkers. But we’ve replicated thinking and created technology that transcends our left-brain thinking capabilities.
When it comes to strategy, survival, and predicting the behaviour of others, Artificial Intelligence will outthink us. This is because it can think multiple thoughts at a time and have multiple relationships simultaneously.
So if we’re not the dominant thinkers, what do we have? We move to the right brain. What do we do besides thinking?
Beyond the left brain, a whole level of mysterious processes defines our existence far beyond thinking. It’s a great time to explore what this means, how we can engage it, and what it means for our human potential.
Music Inspired By The Conversation | 75:34After I finished speaking to Chris, I recorded the piece of music that ends the episode.
Support My Music on PatreonIf you enjoy my music and would like to support its creation, I’d love to share more with you on Patreon.
The post 21 | (What) Were You Even Thinking? appeared first on Andy Mort.
There’s been a shift in the conversation about strength and character. Some weird messages have infused mainstream culture and are clearly impacting how people relate to one another (and themselves). We sometimes confuse weakness for strength and write off strength as a weakness.
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I want to dive into weak traits that I’ve seen confused with strength. We will think about the characteristics of genuine strength and consider ways to create conditions for more of it in ourselves and others.
Episode contents* What is Strength? | 3:31 * Unavoidable Heavy Lifting – Life in Funeral Care | 5:42 + Physical Strength | 7:57 + Emotional Strength | 9:34 * Letting Go of What We Carry | 12:40 + Find Healthy Ways To Unload | 13:17 + Collective Strength From Sharing The Load | 14:32 + Domination, Power, and Control | 17:01 * Gentle Force | 24:10 * Brittle Force | 26:25 * Personal Weakness Through Symbolic Strength | 27:24 * Flexibility and Stress Responses | 29:54 * How To Strengthen an Argument | 35:02 * Avoidance, Resilience, and Support | 37:01 * Strength and Humour | 44:30 * Active Stillness | 50:17 + The Pause * The Haven What is Strength? | 3:31Strength is the ability to lift, carry, pull, throw, and hold heavy things. But not just physical stuff. We also need the strength to hold, carry, and let go of situations, people, challenges, emotions, stressors, thoughts, and other everyday things.
Unavoidable Heavy Lifting – Life in Funeral Care | 5:42I worked in the funeral industry for six years as an undertaker. I discuss some of the strengths the job required from and developed in me.
My experiences continue to teach me much about what strength means and how we see it demonstrated in the world. And also, some of the ways we confuse weakness for strength, especially in our expectations for how we ought to hold (conceal, deny, hide) the burdens we carry.
Physical Strength | 7:57One lesson from that job was that the strength of the whole is greater than the sum of the strength of individuals. It’s about more than power. It requires learned technique, awareness, understanding, and thoughtful preparation.
When you understand what a situation requires, the resources you have to use, and you plan appropriately, strength comes through collaboration. You put everyone at risk when you believe you can do it alone (or that you don’t need others).
Emotional Strength | 9:34The job also taught me about emotional strength. In a moment of chaos, confusion, and grief, we need to anchor into other people as a source of strength. Sometimes we need someone to take control of the situation and guide or direct us with simple stepping stones that give us small footing when we’re all at sea. Other times we might need an undemanding calming presence around us. And sometimes, our way of coping with loss is to take control of the world around us (organising people, events etc).
I learned it takes strength to be flexible, to be what’s required in that moment, and not to take it personally.
Letting Go of What We Carry | 12:40If we don’t have healthy ways to let go, we might shut off and bottle feelings up. This can lead to indiscriminate, inappropriate, and uncontrolled expressions of unprocessed emotions.
In the same way, as we might shake out our muscles after heavy lifting, it’s essential to do the same with our emotional muscles. To warm down, stretch, and release it all in ways that work for us.
Find Healthy Ways To Unload | 13:17Shaking out the emotional muscles looks different for everyone. It might be going for a walk, getting fresh air, creating, writing, recording experiences, talking to a trusted friend or family member about it, singing, playing with kids or animals, and so on. Whatever brings us back to our creative core.
Collective Strength From Sharing The Load | 14:32We are more likely to feel weak when we are isolated and alone. This is especially true when we face challenges and struggles. Conversely, we get stronger when we feel safe and confident to ask for help and receive support.
What Strength is NOT
“It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it”
Douglas Adams
Domination, Power, and Control | 17:01True strength is the capacity to change, morph, grow, and develop. Conversely, weakness remains rigid, unyielding, and brittle when we need to be flexible and able to bow with the wind.
Abusing a position of power is not a sign of strength; it’s a sign of weakness—an inability to hold responsibility with respect and reverence.
Characteristics of weak leaders: ridiculing others, abusing trust, allowing envy to control them, a victim mindset, inability to articulate a positive vision (that doesn’t involve eliminating others), viewing everything as a game, lacking self-awareness, and being unable to see the role they play in their repeated misfortune (it’s never their fault).
Gentle Force | 24:10Some things must be gently forced through perseverance, grit, and stamina. When something really matters, these attributes help us endure fatigue and the desire to give up when something is important to us but hard.
Maybe you can think of times when you required the strength to keep going even though you wanted to give up. Be proud of yourself and take that story with you as fuel for the future.
Brittle Force | 26:25Brittle force is fragile and insecure beneath the surface. It’s a front, which, if hit too hard, will shatter and reveal very little within. It cracks if it gets hit too hard, revealing a rather wobbly back. The opposite of firm back, soft front gentleness.
Personal Weakness Through Symbolic Strength | 27:24 Sometimes we substitute our own strength for the power of symbolic identity. For example, we lean on a background, job role, or symbolic societal position to make us feel strong. This can lead to horrific abuses of power.
Flexibility and Stress Responses | 29:54
“Strength is not born of strength; strength can be born only from weakness. So, be glad of your weakness now – they are the beginnings of your strength”
– Dr Claire Weekes
Something or someone who thinks they are strong enough will not become stronger.
It is from weakness and flexibility that strength grows. Like a tree growing reaction wood in response to the wind, we are built in relation to the world around us. Gradually becoming stronger through weakness. It’s an often unseen process that can’t be forced or rushed. It happens over time as we encounter the world. But we can also influence it through our awareness and choices.
The Greek word Aphiēmi is translated in many ways, and I find it a beneficial tool for thinking about strength. Especially our capacity for strengthening our responses to people, experiences, and situations we might face.
Reaction Wood and Contingent StrengthOur source of reaction wood might be found in the place we don’t default to. Not in how we automatically hold the world, ourselves, and others. Strength is born from weakness.
Strength From Weakness Might Mean:* learning to ‘yield’ when your default response is to dominate and control. * learning to ‘stand firm’ when your default reaction is to let go of your desire to keep the peace. * learning to ‘pardon’ when you find it easy to hold a grudge. * learning to hold accountability when you usually just let things slide. * learning to ‘tolerate’ when you don’t want to hear or attempt to understand another person’s perspective. * learning to ‘permit’ when you tend to complain, clamp down and eradicate. * learning to ‘divorce’ when you keep coming back to the site of pain, hoping something will magically change * learning to ‘abandon’ when you are desperate to stay, no matter the cost to your health. * learning to ‘forgive’ when you want to punish. * learning to let go when you are desperate to hold on and learning to hold on when you want to throw it away.
How To Strengthen an Argument | 35:02Trees grow faster in a human-made biosphere than they do in the wild. But before reaching maturity, they collapse under their own weight in those conditions. Without wind, they are unable to form reaction wood (stressed/tension wood) that keeps them strong.
The biodome is like an echo chamber. It gives rapid growth to ideas untested and untouched by anything outside that bubble. But our ideas, thoughts, opinions etc., only become strong when exposed to some stress from the outside.
Avoidance, Resilience, and Support | 37:01When we focus solely on the individual as the source of strength, we risk turning personal power into a collective weakness. Collective strength, which has been key to human survival throughout history, grows out of supportive environments and structures.
Support comes from above or below. We might think of this as the difference between being safe TO fail or safe FROM failure.
Safe from failure is biosphere-style protection, where we aim to keep harm out.
Safe to fail is like a net to catch us when we fall.
Strength and Humour | 44:30Strength is born from the ability to laugh at ourselves.
Carl Reiner said, “Inviting people to laugh with you while you are laughing at yourself is a good thing to do. You may be a fool but you’re the fool in charge.”
I’m always wary of people who take themselves too seriously. Once you push their button, which you will (whether you intend to or not), they can be dangerous in their effort to save face.
Active Stillness | 50:17Active stillness is the space between the trigger and our response. It’s an intentional choice to slow down. A reminder to take a moment to breathe and observe within and without. What do we feel? What do we need? How do we want to hold this thing before us?
The Pause
When compulsion to prove my point overcomes me
And my need to respond is fuelled by urgency,
My mind races to be right
My senses rise to the fight
And then I reluctantly remember…
The Pause.
The humbling, painful Pause
The uncomfortable, brakes-on Pause
The beautiful, let-things-sit Pause
That turns my focus from agitation
To curious investigation
Unravelling my defences to uncover a
deeper wisdom.
The Pause that is active yet still,
Noticing but not heavy lifting
Permission granter for things to unfold
Space creator for quiet questions to evolve.– Ange Disbury, 2022
Ange shared this poem with us after our Kota session. Read more of her work on her website.
The HavenThis episode was inspired by a conversation we have been having in The Haven. I would love to invite you to join us to explore themes like this and consider ways to bring more gentleness, strength, and creative play on your journey into becoming who you are forever becoming.
The post 20 | We Seem To Confuse Weakness For Strength (and vice versa) appeared first on Andy Mort.
Survivorship bias occurs when we only focus on successful outcomes and ignore those things that didn’t make it “to the other side“.
It can lead us to overestimate the relevance of particular strategies, approaches, and events and underestimate the risks of specific options and choices.
A classic example is dropping out of college if you want to be a tech billionaire.
Survivorship bias might also contribute to anxiety and loneliness. When outliers are hyped and featured as aspirational success stories, it can leave us feeling bad about ourselves for not having enough faith, courage, or tenacity to “beat the odds” and succeed in the same way.
We Create The OddsThe odds are a reminder that most of us are wonderfully average. Of course, positive surprises, shock opportunities, and unexpected wins happen from time to time. But we notice them because they’re unusual.
“A stupid decision that works out well becomes a brilliant decision in hindsight”
Daniel Kahneman.
Survivorship Bias In The Stories We TellHave you ever bought a book because the author promised to disclose a secret, formula, or blueprint for success?
Did it help?
These books often paint an incomplete picture. They can be exciting and inspiring, but they are usually infused with traces (or dollops) of survivorship bias.
Whenever we tell our own story, we struggle to divulge what sits in the blind spots around our self-awareness. We don’t know what we don’t know. And we don’t share what we don’t want to believe. As a result, our memory is likely to be pretty selective, and its ending also informs the way we tell the tale.
The success story is a myth we create to “explain” and understand the causes and effects of outcomes. Unfortunately, these often simplistically reduce complex contradictions to a person’s determination and perseverance in adversity. We might believe it’s BECAUSE of hardship that they found the strength to thrive. Their early failure was the reason for their later success. They were always destined to rise from rock bottom, thrive after dropping out, create a masterpiece after being rejected, or become wealthy after losing everything.
But these adverse “causes” are usually also found in failure stories, of which there are many more.
“If I can do it, so can you.”While this can sometimes be an encouraging thing to hear, it can also conceal survivorship bias. It might overlook differences between us, meaning I cannot do what you did.
We sometimes see this in multigenerational conversations where there is an assumption that the context hasn’t changed and what was true for me must still be true for you. This can lead to resentment and misunderstandings when we don’t entertain meaningful conversations considering contextual differences.
But this can also happen instantly, especially in a world where the flow of information is immediate and trends explode rapidly. So, for example, what do we learn from those who lost significant money in the 2022 Gamestop saga? Do we hear from ordinary people caught up in the excitement?
I imagine many downplayed their losses or kept them secret. But even if we had access to those stories, we probably don’t want to hear them anyway. They’re too “depressing” or “negative” – in other words, they’re just a bit too real.
We prefer to believe the story of a lone-wolf outlier (villain or hero) who beat the odds, convinced everyone to act in a certain way, and made millions. Maybe we want to believe that it is possible if we dare to be brave and take similar risks.
The Risk of Survivorship BiasIn The Antidote, Oliver Burkeman says Survival Bias can lead us to think in riskier ways. He quotes Richard Branson saying, “Being unafraid of failure is, I believe, one of the most important qualities of a champion.”
Burkeman points out that, while this might be true, “you don’t hear speeches or read autobiographies by people who were unafraid of failure and then did indeed simply fail.”
Failing is not the result of an unwillingness to take a significant risk. On the contrary, there is likely a correlation between a willingness to take enormous risks and remarkable success AND failure. “The definition of a ‘big risk’, after all, is that it carries a significant likelihood of things not working out”.
What Does Survivorship Bias Mean For Us?I sometimes explore the impact of survivorship bias with people I coach. Survivorship bias creeps in when we buy into the idea that the life someone else is living (often a leader/influencer who has projected an aspirational image) is because of a specific part of the story they tell. So get up at four in the morning, drink a particular beverage, take these supplements, go travelling, follow a specific diet, take a course, implement a strategy, use a methodology etc.
We want a simplistic story or process to follow. But the more helpful question is, what about that kind of life appeals to us? It’s usually possible to locate and uncover a value that matters beneath the surface.
Survivorship bias can leave us feeling disconnected from reality and bad about our inability to make things work like everyone else seems to. So how do we stop it from impacting our lives negatively and making us feel bad about ourselves?
How Do We Guard Against Survivorship Bias?Embrace AverageRather than taking inspiration from the outliers, we can connect with people in the middle. As a result, we can learn the most profound and helpful lessons from ordinary people in everyday life.
Follow People Doing it NowWe can seek out role models who are still on the same road as us. There’s something powerful and exciting about connecting with others for whom the “outcome” is still uncertain. We don’t know how it will turn out, and we will soon realise that it doesn’t matter. There’s something more valuable to be found along the way.
Ignore The OutliersWe can become less interested in the hyped-up stories of those on the fringes and more curious about average folk like us. When listening to someone sharing their success story, we might also notice their luck and fortune. Have THEY brushed past it? Have WE ignored it? Based on what we know about survivorship bias, what might be missing from this story?
Seek Out Failure StoriesFailure stories might not sound as appealing as success stories. But they are where the true insight comes from. Learn what you don’t want to do. This is a helpful prompt to identify other approaches and alternative options.
We read success stories in the hope they will tell us what TO do. But by the time it’s a well-known story, millions of others will be doing precisely the same.
While reading success stories, ask, “what would I do differently?” What would the story be if you were telling it? How would it be different?
Look out for survivorship bias in everyday life. Notice where you see and hear it. How does it feel when you encounter it? What story are you telling yourself about that other person or the situation? What story are you telling yourself about yourself?
The post Is Survivorship Bias Making You Feel Bad About Yourself? appeared first on Andy Mort.
It isn’t easy to keep up with the pace of life. It can feel like time is running away, and there’s always more to do than we can manage. So it’s no wonder many people are trying to figure out how to slow it all down.
But what does slowing down mean? What do we want to let go of? And how do we make these changes in a world that expects more and more from us?
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I want to go beneath the surface and explore some of the profound benefits of slowing down.
Episode contents* Slow Consumption in a World Of Instant Knowledge | 2:41 + Slowing Down and Control | 8:23 + What’s The Point of Personal Productivity? | 10:53 * How Does Slowing Down Reduce Stress? | 13:31 * What Would Help Me Slow Down in Life? | 15:38 + Perception of Pace | 22:40 * What Do We Want When We Seek a Slower Life? | 27:51 + Slowing Down Our Important Tasks | 30:42 * The Risk of Rushing | 33:40 + Speed as a Tool | 35:56 * Why Do Time Management Tools Make Us Busier? | 37:05 * Enjoyment is Not The Destination | 40:12 * Where Do We Get to Slow Down Now? | 43:45 * Slowness is a Beautiful Waste of Time | 45:14 * Why I Call Myself a Slow Coach | 46:56 * What Would You Like To Waste Your Time On? | 48:08 * What’s The Rush? Enter The Sanctuary of Slowness | 50:47 Slow Consumption in a World Of Instant Knowledge | 2:41This topic is on my mind as I plan the next Haven Book Club. We are reading The Courage to Be Disliked, to which we will dedicate the next four months.
What will slowing down make possible? How much more will we see, explore, and experience by not rushing? What will greet us in the gaps between the sessions and the vast depths as we reflect and process the ideas, and our conversations about them, over time?
It’s reassuring to know that we could quickly acquire an overview of a book’s core concepts if we had to. So what if tools like Blinkest, StoryShorts, and Snapreads allow us to take our time with the books we want to read instead? To mine the depths for the kind of wisdom and mindful insights that don’t come from knowledge hoarding.
These valuable tools can reinforce and support our goal of slowing down. But only if we choose to approach them that way. If we only ingest bitesize nugget versions of books, we might struggle to open space for the inner conversations that lead to self-awareness and intentional growth.
Slowing Down and Control | 8:23Slowing down can help us let go of the need for control. It’s about understanding that growth starts with roots that emerge from seeds planted in the dark. These are processes beneath and beyond our field of vision. Not an easy thing to do in a world that likes quick and visible results.
What’s The Point of Personal Productivity? | 10:53I spent a lot of time, money and thought on productivity tools and time management techniques. I would hand hours over to designing my “ideal week” and perfect processes to deal with emails, social media, and my morning routine. But invariably, the more I focussed on being productive, the more overwhelmed I felt.
This “productivity trap” is where we end up using productivity to free time to do more. It seems obvious, but it doesn’t feel like it when we’re stuck in that mode of thought, where we tell ourselves that with the right formula, technique, or process, we will finally have all the time in the world for the important stuff.
This is accompanied by that dreaded feeling that we should be doing more. Because there is always more to do, even if we optimise our routine and clear our schedule, “more” will slip in.
If these productivity techniques are not helping us do what we’re already doing but slower, they are probably not helping us.
Rather than asking, “what do I want more time to do?” maybe we could ask, “what do I want to be able to do more slowly if I choose to?” We can use that as a starting point from which to design the foundations of our life.
How Does Slowing Down Reduce Stress? | 13:31I had some fun with ChatGPT recently. It’s a fascinating (slightly terrifying) tool that I believe might be able to inadvertently reconnect us with our humanity. Recognising where we have given ourselves to machine-like actions and behaviours and reconnecting with the creative play that makes us who we are.
I thought I’d ask how slowing down reduces stress. It told me that slowing down can help reduce stress in a few different ways:
- Slowing down allows you to break from everyday demands and pressures
- It can help you gain perspective and prioritise your tasks
- Slowing down helps you become more present – getting caught up in your thoughts and worries about the future is easy when rushing through life
- It can help you cultivate healthy habits – allowing you to engage in activities that promote relaxation and well-being
Nothing particularly groundbreaking in that response. Perhaps a reminder that we know why slowing down is a good thing to do.
What Would Help Me Slow Down in Life? | 15:38I got a bit more practical with my questions. Could ChatGPT shed any light on HOW to slow down? Apparently so. But aren’t they things we’ve heard a million times before?
It said that are many things I can try to help me slow down, including:1. Set limits on your commitments. Try to be more selective about what you take on, and say no to things that don’t align with your values or that you don’t have the time or energy for. 2. Practice mindfulness. This means paying attention to the present moment and your surroundings rather than getting caught up in your thoughts or worries about the past or future. You can try mindfulness meditation or focus on your breath and surroundings for a few minutes each day. 3. Take breaks throughout the day to rest and recharge. This could be as simple as taking a few deep breaths or walking outside. 4. Prioritise self-care by engaging in activities that promote relaxation and well-being, such as exercising, spending time in nature, or doing something you enjoy. 5. Schedule time for activities that bring you joy and help you relax, such as reading, spending time with friends and family, or pursuing a hobby. 6. Find ways to streamline and simplify your daily routine, such as decluttering your space or creating a to-do list to stay organised. 7. Instead of rushing through tasks, try to be more mindful and present as you go about your day. This can help you feel calmer and more focused.
There’s a pattern emerging. It sounds right, but I’m not sure it helps us get to the root.
The great thing about ChatGPT is that it gives us a rundown of what doesn’t need to be repeated. So what are we missing if these points have been made enough times for chatbots to regurgitate them with such familiar sentiments? Why are we still trying to figure out how to slow down?
Perception of Pace | 22:40How we perceive time is quite a weird thing.
I remember when I first performed with a drum machine (pre-programmed sampler). Even though it was set at the same tempo as the original song, it felt slow when playing live.
The world slows down when we are in a heightened state of alertness. But our ability to connect with what’s happening around us can be impacted.
It might be helpful to consider the role stress plays in our relationship with time, focus, and attention. Are we seeing, hearing, and feeling things as they are, or does reality conform to what we expect and anticipate?
What Do We Want When We Seek a Slower Life? | 27:51What sits beneath our desire to slow life down? Where do we feel things slipping away? What causes us to rush? Why is slowing down one of those things we know we want but struggle to do?
Slowing Down Our Important Tasks | 30:42Maybe we are caught in the habit of rushing, where we speed through everything without any apparent reason.
We might have learned to fill our lives with busy work because slowness is the worst thing. It means laziness, lacking ambition, wasting time and taking up valuable space.
There are a lot of value judgements and stories of worth associated with the pace we bring to life. And many ways we shape our lives so that we might avoid the critical and judgemental voice from having a go at us.
Perhaps we have a lot to do, so we cannot spend much time on the things that matter. Maybe life feels like a to-do list, and we’ve got to get from one thing to the next. Everything is essential; everything is urgent.
So the solution we are after is not necessarily slowing down but doing less, outsourcing responsibility, or getting help. If we focus on slowing down but still have the same number of things on the to-do list, we increase the amount of strain and stress on our plate.
The Risk of Rushing | 33:40We might associate speed with value. Fast things are good things. But what about rushing? If you’ve ever tried to do something in a rush, you’ve probably experienced the ironic delay from needing to tidy up mistakes, misunderstandings, and spillages.
Sometimes rushing can get us where we don’t want to go more quickly.
Speed as a Tool | 35:56Learning to slow down isn’t about rejecting a faster pace. It’s about learning to choose it when it’s necessary. Speed changes are a tool we can pull out of the box when life requires it.
Why Do Time Management Tools Make Us Busier? | 37:05There’s a strange paradox at work in time management. The more efficient we get, the busier we become. As we’ve already looked at, the tools we use to eradicate stress become sources of stress.
Enjoyment is Not The Destination | 40:12Not having the things we want is where we find enjoyment—it’s all about the journey towards the thing that makes the thing itself meaningful.
Hipsters know this (even if they’re not necessarily aware of why). It’s why they spend an hour brewing a cup of coffee when they could do it in five minutes. It’s why vinyl rose in popularity as music became instantly accessible through streaming platforms.
Where Do We Get to Slow Down Now? | 43:45The more we solve the problems we think we have, the less true enjoyment we have access to.
What would you like to enjoy more in this way?
Slowness is a Beautiful Waste of Time | 45:14We are spending four months on one book. How does that sound to you? What might it make possible?
Does that seem like a waste of time? Or a rich, deep, and expansive experience?
Do you think of fast as good and slow as bad?
Do you think slowing down is uncomfortable when there’s so much to do, see, and experience? How do you stop and find peace when there’s more to do, see, and experience?
Why I Call Myself a Slow Coach | 46:56Slowcoach is a bit of an insult. It describes someone moving or acting slowly. But that’s why my inner rebel thought it was a perfect way to describe my coaching approach. A high-speed train might get us to where we want to go faster, but a slowcoach allows space for adventure, sensory awareness, and spontaneity on the way.
Making time for slowness (if we want to choose it) allows space for depth. Slow coaching isn’t about forcing slowness but letting it when desired. Without the sense that by slowing down, we are making everything else more stressful. What do I want time to do more slowly if I choose?
What Would You Like To Waste Your Time On? | 48:08When we go slower, we can explore more. We might see more. We might hear more.
Slowing down allows us to see, hear, smell, taste, and feel more of what is around us. It helps us listen to what is being said, not what we anticipate is being said.
We only notice what we already understand if we skim a book. We will overlook new concepts if our brains don’t recognise the patterns and we don’t give ourselves time to learn. It’s the same if we listen to audio or watch a video at high-speed. This can be a helpful tool if needed. Time wasted can give rise to valuable memories, enjoyable experiences, and creative breakthroughs.
What do you want to waste time on today? What would happen if you chose to slow down and truly listen, play, create, watch, and enjoy? Where is the space FOR that more meaningful stuff?
What’s The Rush? Enter The Sanctuary of Slowness | 50:47 Since it first came to life in 2014, The Haven has been my playground of slow growth. In the early days, I followed membership models and training blueprints. But over the years, it’s become so much more than that. It’s a sanctuary of rhythm and slowness.
Not somewhere to rush to or tear through to find instant solutions to significant challenges. But with its labyrinth of cobbled streets, candle-lit corridors, and secret doors to other worlds, it’s an invitation to slow down. Return from the hectic world of doing to a land of being. A land of becoming. Of wondering and wandering.
The Book Club is all part of that. Fancy joining me there? Learn more here.
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Are there people in your life who drive you up the wall because they hold very different beliefs from yours? Maybe you’ve drifted from friends and family members because conversations turn heated and hostile whenever you try to change their minds.
Konrad Benjamin is the creator of Ideas Digest, a podcast that aims to build bridges of connection between world views at war. “Politicians, religions, algorithms and mainstream media make money on dividing us all and building higher and higher walls around us”.
When I first listened to the Ideas Digest Podcast, I was struck by the gentle rebellion. This was Konrad’s commitment to looking beneath the surface, searching for empathic connection, and meeting people in good faith, even in the most challenging conversations.
These are practices that the world needs more of right now.
Episode Contents* Changing and Softening Minds | 3:17 + Prohibition Doesn’t Change Minds; It Hardens Them | 9:44 * What Are Ideas? | 12:41 * Making Our Minds Up | 16:51 * How We Hold Others When We Encounter Them | 21:02 * Our Fixed Mind Illusions | 24:50 + Universality and Non-Belonging | 25:50 * Distance Not Difference Hardens Minds | 33:32 * Foundational Assumptions and The Expectations We Carry | 36:45 + Every Position Is a Strategy To Meet a Need | 43:18 * What REALLY Changes/Softens Minds? | 45:47 + Brittle Fragility and Weak Minds | 51:34 * The Story of The Mustard Seed | 52:59 It’s easier than ever to connect with like-minded people around the world. There are also many ways to mute, block, and walk away from people who think differently. And while this can be a helpful soothing balm at times, it also has a damaging impact on our ability to encounter and engage with people when we don’t see eye to eye.
Views, ideas, and beliefs become entrenched, and we dehumanise those we can lump into “people like that”.
This trajectory has clear implications. We’ve probably all experienced its impact in different ways.
Changing and Softening Minds | 3:17As I’ve often said, gentleness is not about being weak and passive in conflict. It’s about approaching the path ahead with the best tools for the job. It places space and time between the stimulus and response. And meets the world with a firm back and soft front (humility, curiosity, and a meaningful sense of vision) rather than a brittle back and a rigid front (firing weapons while hiding from the world).
We react to the present and create the future in the same movement. How we act today as individuals and collectives set the tone for the world we encounter tomorrow.
Prohibition Doesn’t Change Minds; It Hardens Them | 9:44I asked Konrad what drives him to talk with people whose ideas he might instinctively oppose. He says, “these ideas are not going away”, and suggests we have a choice to make. We can push them underground or seek to understand where they are coming from so we can consider and respond to their roots.
Cultural and social prohibitions often occur at a symptomatic level. But we know from history that banning things, while it might make them disappear from view temporarily, can lead to more extreme expressions down the line.
We might mistake coerced silence for willing consent. But when this happens, the mind that feels silenced becomes hardened. It doubles down, seeks allies, and prepares to fight back.
What Are Ideas? | 12:41I find ideas mindblowing. Not any particular views, just that we have THEM in the first place. We can imagine, think about, and process completely abstract concepts—things we cannot see in a physical sense. We can then turn them into objects, systems, and experiences. Whoa!
In this episode, I aimed to look at how we hold ideas. What do we attach to our beliefs? How do these thoughts define us? What is at stake if we change our minds? How do we hold other people and their ideas? Do we see the person beneath the belief, or do we encounter humans at their word and no deeper?
Ideas come in all shapes and forms. They can help us make sense of the contradictions and differences at the heart of life. They can help us understand who we are and what has shaped us. Our ideas and beliefs help us alleviate both momentary and existential fears. And they can give us direction and focus in everyday life. They can free us, and they can imprison us.
Making Our Minds Up | 16:51What causes you to make up your mind? Have you ever noticed where your beliefs, views, and judgements are formed?
What do we do with our ideas?
In his book, Think Again, Adam Grant suggests that we hold our ideas in four ways. This informs our readiness, flexibility, and willingness to change our minds.
The PreacherWe might say with certainty that we’ve found the truth. We decide that it’s down to us to share this with the world and help them see the light.
The ProsecutorWe might play the zero-sum game. The argument is won or lost, so we become committed to proving the other person is wrong.
In both positions, only one mind is allowed to change…that of the other person.
The PoliticianWe might need to win over support from people. So we give the impression of flexibility and openness. But we’re just saying what the other person wants to hear so that they give us what we want.
The ScientistWe are humble in our curiosity to recognise what we don’t know and scrutinise existing conventions and convictions to discover new information. Grant says, “the scientist mindset says, I will not let my ideas become an ideology”.
Opinions are hypotheses. We hold them up to playful questioning so they can evolve-not affirm- what we already know. The mind is poised to be changed. We don’t have to resist being wrong. We can invite it.
How We Hold Others When We Encounter Them | 21:02In his Last Supper video, Peter Rollins talks about four ways we might encounter people who have practices and beliefs different from our own:
- Consume Them – take their differences and try to make them conform to ours. But if we can’t change them, we might…
- Vomit Out – if the other person can’t be domesticated, we want to get them out of our community
- Tolerance – we can exist together as long as their strange beliefs and practices are kept behind closed doors
- Finding Agreement – we can dialogue together and find the ocean we share beneath the streams of our different beliefs
The problem Peter sees in all four positions is they take the same starting position: “I’m right, and I’m judging you”. The first three say, “I’m right, and you’re wrong”, and the fourth position says, “we’re both right”.
Our Fixed Mind Illusions | 24:50
“Have you ever noticed that everyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
In Mindwise, Nicholas Epley writes, “if the illusions you hold about your own brain lead you to believe that you see the world as it actually is and you find that others see the world differently, then they must be the ones who are biased, distorted, uninformed, ignorant, unreasonable, or evil.”
Peter Rollins suggests later in the video that in a genuine multicultural connection with another, we first see the other person as weird and monstrous. But when we take the time to see ourselves through the other person’s eyes, we experience our beliefs and practices as strange and monstrous. These beliefs are no longer held to be “right”, but we realise they are contingent, historical, and can be questioned.
This doesn’t undermine our beliefs and practices but allows us to experience them in a new way.
It turns out that everyone on the road (including us) is both an idiot and a maniac.
Universality and Non-Belonging | 25:50In this sense, there is no way to belong. The lines we draw, the boxes we put people in, and the labels we use to define one another are never enough. They are both incomplete and too much at the same time. Todd McGowan has produced some fascinating work on the universality of non-belonging.
Distance Not Difference Hardens Minds | 33:32Maybe we become disconnected from humanity, not by difference but by distance. The suggestion is that with proximity comes the potential for understanding at a human level. To see the question beneath the question. The need beneath the expression.
Alain de Botton suggests that we share meals with those who disagree with us.
“Sitting down at a table with a group of strangers has the incomparable and odd benefit of making it a little more difficult to hate them with impunity. Prejudice and ethnic strife feed off abstraction. However, the proximity required by a meal – something about handing dishes around, unfurling napkins at the same moment, even asking a stranger to pass the salt – disrupts our ability to cling to the belief that the outsiders who wear unusual clothes and speak in distinctive accents deserve to be sent home or assaulted. For all the large-scale political solutions which have been proposed to salve ethnic conflict, there are few more effective ways to promote tolerance between suspicious neighbours than to force them to eat supper together.”
Alain de Botton
This is a fascinating idea. One way to invite our minds to be softened together. To see each other at the level of our humanity before we interrogate their thoughts, practices, or beliefs.
Foundational Assumptions and The Expectations We Carry | 36:45My friend Megan posted a Tweet a while back. It said:
“Just because I don’t like what this person is saying doesn’t mean they’re wrong.”
I added to the thread:
- “Just because everyone agrees with me, it doesn’t mean I’m right”.
- “Just because someone disagrees with me, that doesn’t mean I’m wrong”.
Then someone contributed:
- “Just because I dislike someone doesn’t mean they’re wrong.”
- “Just because I like someone doesn’t mean they’re right.”
- “Just because I like someone they dislike doesn’t mean they’re wrong.”
- “Just because they like someone I dislike doesn’t mean they’re wrong.”
And another person commented:
- “Someone wrong about things before may be right this time.”
- “Someone right about things before may be wrong this time.”
I thought these were helpful reminders.
What Are Your Foundational Assumptions?Konrad talked about going into conversations with some foundational assumptions from which to connect. This allows us to take seriously our role in creating the future we want to be part of.
What do we want to believe that will help shape or direct our encounter in a way that assists a deeper vision or set of values we hold?
Konrad says you can argue with his foundational assumptions and disprove them, but that’s not the point. They are tools, not facts. We use them to shape our encounters in constructive ways. For example…
Good Faith (people are inherently good, not evil)We are doing our best with what we have…experiences, circumstances, and influences around us.
Facts Don’t Change MindsJames Clear says, “Facts don’t change our minds. Friendship does.”
If I realise that I’m not going to change your mind, we can connect in other ways. Those different ways can be far more enriching than trying to win an argument.
People don’t respond to logic until they feel seen and heard at a human level.
We see a lot of “Logic Bullying” in the modern world. One of Adam Grant’s students described him as a Logic Bully when, rather than listening to what she was saying, he shut down her feelings and needs using cold hard facts. He dismissed her worries, diminishing the truth of what she felt at that moment.
I’m Not Important Enough To Change Your Mind“Calling this out” will not do anything other than push people into corners. We can hold one another accountable for our actions and choices without resorting to moral grandstanding and drawing tribal battlelines. If, as Konrad says, we assume that the stakes are lower because we’re small, we can connect at a human level and invite proper accountability and responsibility for the things we say, do, and believe.
Every Position Is a Strategy To Meet a Need | 43:18I like to remember that “hurt people hurt people”. And that anger is an expression of pain and the only available and acceptable way many people have to process their feelings.
When people feel lonely, afraid, and unseen, they find strategies to hoard safety, protection, and a sense of significance. We ALL have a complex and ever-changing set of human needs. When those needs are not met, we can do terrible things. If our terrible things are met with more rejection and pain, those terrible things can escalate.
Empathy isn’t about accepting and tolerating the strategy, belief, or idea. It’s about seeing the person BENEATH their strategy, opinion, or statement. Sometimes it just takes feeling seen to lessen our attachment to those things and maybe even let them go altogether.
What REALLY Changes/Softens Minds? | 45:47I asked Konrad about experiences he has had of changing his mind. What causes it to happen? Who can do it?
How has your mind changed in the past? What factors were involved?
Maybe it’s the stuff life throws at you. In processing a situation or experience, you perhaps realise that not everything is as it seemed before.
Brittle Fragility and Weak Minds | 51:34Binaries, opposites and black and white thinking lead to brittle fragility. They easily break when our minds cannot change, soften, or expand. If we are afraid of changing, softening, or expanding, we spend focus, energy, and attention on gathering information to protect, reinforce, and solidify our position. We shrink into a narrower and narrower hole, living from a place of defence and attack rather than creative expansion and curious exploration.
Letting Minds Be ChangedHumans are stubborn creatures; we would often rather keep doing something we don’t want to do than concede to a change that someone else is forcing us to make. Or at least that’s true for me. How can we create conditions and space for our minds (and others) to be softened and keep shifting, evolving, and growing?
The Story of The Mustard Seed | 52:59
A mother is completely devastated after the death of her young child. She walks around town with the child bound to her chest, unable to come to terms with her loss and let go.
Desperate to bring him back to life she learns of someone in the mountains who can help. So the mother finds the wise woman who reassures her, telling her she can give her what she needs. All she needs is to bring her a single mustard seed from a household in the town that has never known loss or grief.
The bereaved mother sets off, knocking one door after another but to no avail. The simple request cannot be granted. She spends many hours in each home, learning about her neighbours and sharing her own tragic tale. As they cry, laugh, and reminisce together, the mother comes to see that stories of loss, grief, and pain sit behind every door in town. After a while she is able to come to terms with what has happened, and is able to bury her child’s body.
Someone is knocking at the door every day. Do we see THEM? Do we recognise what they are asking for? If their needs are wrapped up in some chaotic and messy stuff, can we hear the question beneath it?
I finished by asking Konrad what he would say if that knock at the door came. And we had an interesting chat about the door as a bridge between us.
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The HavenJoin me in The Haven to watch and listen to the entire conversation.
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Are you waiting for the noise to quieten and the disruption to pass? Are you hoping for some serenity? For some time, energy, and permission to finally focus on the stuff that matters to you? Or enough thinking space to eventually FIGURE OUT what that stuff is.
In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we explore our relationship with the concept of serenity. We ask whether it’s a destination to reach or something a little closer to home. And if it isn’t a destination, how can we create and nurture more of it in everyday life, so we engage with the here and now rather than always waiting for the next storm to pass?
If we can’t find it now, we won’t find it then. If we can’t find it here, we won’t find it there.
Episode Contents* The Arrival Fallacy of a Calm and Peaceful Life | 1:35 * What Is Serenity? | 4:07 + Serenity Gives Us Options | 6:34 + Serenity is Safety | 7:27 + Serenity is Flow | 9:09 + Serenity is Surrender | 9:29 + Serenity is Acceptance | 10:39 + Serenity is an Inner Home| 11:12 + Serenity is The Calm After a Storm | 12:26 * The Difference Between Serenity and Tranquility | 14:00 + Serene People are a Source of Confidence | 18:49 * Serenity IS Connection | 21:31 + Obstacles to Inner Connection | 23:19 + Do You Get The Feeling You’re Being Watched? | 25:52 * Connect With Meaning | 33:28 + Man’s Search For Meaning | 36:38 * Connection With Other People | 40:30 + True Connection is Not a Transaction | 42:57 * Practising Serenity | 45:06 + Practise The Art of Noticing | 46:24 + Take an Alternative View | 49:34 + Accept and Invite Play | 50:48 + Share What You Notice | 53:42 * The Haven | 56:33 The Arrival Fallacy of a Calm and Peaceful Life | 1:35
“Arrival fallacy is this illusion that once we make it, once we attain our goal or reach our destination, we will reach lasting happiness.”
Dr Tal Ben-Shahar
What Is Serenity? | 4:07In a Haven Theme Kota session, we discussed the idea of serenity not being a destination. We started with what serenity is (and isn’t).
Serenity Gives Us Options | 6:34It was suggested that Coco Chanel wore a hat at home when people visited to pretend she was on her way out, just in case she wanted an excuse to escape. Was this a source of serenity? Or did being poised and ready to run reflect a state of unpeaceful alertness and discontent?
Serenity is Safety | 7:27Serenity grows when we feel safe. But is feeling safe the same as feeling protected? Why does this difference matter?
Serenity is Flow | 9:09It’s the inner flow of creativity, where we are drawn to what interests us, not what we should do to fit in or be accepted.
Serenity is Surrender | 9:29In many ways, serenity is the absence of pursuit. So if we search for it, it disappears. It’s a sense of peace in the present.
It’s about HOW we go, do, and be, rather than WHERE we go, WHAT we do, and WHO we are.
Serenity is Acceptance | 10:39Disturbances are inevitable in life. Serenity allows space for an authentic reaction to the noise. While simultaneously holding space to pick from an ever-expanding library of potential responses we have chosen to build.
Serenity is an Inner Home| 11:12Like a home that comes with us wherever we go, it’s something we grow, nurture, and reinforce within ourselves. It’s built from the inside out with acceptance, connection, meaning, creativity (a spirit of expansion and possibility), and playfulness (inviting the time to stop and engage unproductively).
Serenity is The Calm After a Storm | 12:26Serenity is that feeling afterwards when everything is out. The emotions can be named, held, and let go. The clouds can disperse and dissipate.
Serenity is not just the calm after the storm; it’s surrender to the storm itself. It knows that to process life, sometimes a storm needs to happen.
The Difference Between Serenity and Tranquility | 14:00Serenity helps peace flow from the inside to the outside. Tranquility aims to invite peace from the outside to the inside.
This distinction matters because there is always something we can consider on one side of the equation, even when there’s nothing we can do about it on the other.
Serene People are a Source of Confidence | 18:49Serene people contribute to our tranquility. When we spend time with people with a lot of inside-out serenity, we get infected. It’s attractive and safe for us to develop and nurture our inner serenity. We tend to reflect the energy we encounter in the people we spend time with. We might inadvertently absorb their values, beliefs, and priorities.
When you know they are there, you feel confident that you will find a way through even if something unexpected happens. Can you think of someone who adds to the tranquility of your life?
Serenity IS Connection | 21:31At its core, I think serenity is about being connected. It’s a sense of connection with ourselves, others, and meaning.
Obstacles to Inner Connection | 23:19There might be sources of noise from the outside world, but there can also be inner noise. This is the internal feedback loop that we can’t shake off from overthinking, judgements, and second-guessing.
Self-empathy allows us to observe within and become aware of our thoughts and feelings so we might recognise what we need. It’s a pause. A break in the flow of life to consider what might be alive in us at any given moment.
Do You Get The Feeling You’re Being Watched? | 25:52Inner noise also comes from seeing ourselves through the eyes of others…or we believe we are being watched.
The presence of that other person suddenly influences our actions. Whether we thrive off attention or avoid it at all costs, this noise can stimulate or sabotage our ability to think and perform.
Connect With Meaning | 33:28In his book Finding Meaning, David Kessler builds on the Five Stages of Grief, adding a sixth, Meaning, which draws from Viktor Frankl’s work in Man’s Search for Meaning.
Kessler suggests that there is an experience of post-traumatic connection that occurs when we integrate loss into our story of being. We can apply this to anything that doesn’t turn out as we would choose. Things that radically change our reality and events that shift the trajectory of our lives.
Eventually, we will connect the dots between what we’ve been through and where we are going next.
Man’s Search For Meaning | 36:38Viktor Frankl was taken by the idea that even in the most unbearable circumstances, people can find a reason to keep going. He noticed that there is something that sustains us. Something that keeps us moving, even under the horrors he endured and observed in Nazi death camps during the Second World War.
Our decisions, our will to survive, and our desire to grow, develop, and learn becomes rooted in something meaningful. Even if we can’t consciously describe it.
Connection With Other People | 40:30Serenity is the safe connection with others. Are we unconditionally valued in our important relationships? Are we still accepted, even if we do or say something a bit stupid?
True Connection is Not a Transaction | 42:57A genuine connection is not transactional. It’s not pay off and trade-off, where we say, “do this for me, and I’ll do that for you”.
Serenity is surrender, shaped around letting go. It’s about allowing the flow to happen even when we can’t control or predict it.
Serenity isn’t certainty. It’s being ok with uncertainty. Serenity isn’t having enough. It’s peace with the fact you will never have enough. Serenity isn’t balancing. It’s allowing life to be lopsided.
Practising Serenity | 45:06We are not looking for a destination. It’s not about perfection. We aren’t seeking guarantees, certainties, and promised results.
The practices related to serenity are personal. They are about surrender, observation, awareness, and response-ability.
Serenity is about allowing ourselves space and permission to notice what we notice.
Practise The Art of Noticing | 46:24We practise serenity when we pause to notice what’s alive in the world around us. When we look up and allow ourselves to be here now. No judgement, just acceptance and a spirit of play, exploration, and curiosity. It’s about seeing where the mind wanders, what we see there, and what we notice about the metaphorical thorn we’ve caught our sleeve on.
Take an Alternative View | 49:34Play with alternative ways of doing, thinking, and responding. We can gently scrutinise assumptions, actions, and choices. This helps us know whether or not they’re still helpful for us.
Serenity is about being at peace with the choices we make. This requires us to live from a place of intention rather than drift.
Accept and Invite Play | 50:48Serenity grows in the space we make for play and spontaneity.
Sometimes play might beckon us in. Do we shut the door and walk away? Maybe we dismiss it by saying, “yes, I should do more of that kind of thing…one day”. Or do we surrender to it and say, “OK, it looks like this is happening now; let’s see where this leads”?
The screenshot from the spontaneous playtime in The Haven co-work session I mentioned in the episodeShare What You Notice | 53:42Serenity emerges when we have an outlet to share the stuff that makes us weird. We encounter, observe, and hold the world in unique ways.
We experience serenity through the safety of sharing what we notice. This often starts within us.
It is a muscle we can train. So that even when other people look at us blankly, we can enjoy the weird and wonderful perspective we have on the world. We can learn to stop taking differences as insults and embrace them instead.
The Haven | 56:33If this resonates and you want to explore simple and practical ways to invite more serenity into everyday life, come and join me in The Haven.
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I imagine we have all felt disheartened, distracted, and even overwhelmed by the online world at times. On the one hand, there is the sheer volume of information. A never-ending flow of noise that swamps our thoughts and influences our feelings. But it’s not just the noise. It’s also the way we hold each other.
“Danger seems to lurk around every corner—with new grifts, scams, and hucksters sprouting up every minute.”
These words are by Rob Hardy in his article, The More Beautiful Internet Our Hearts Know is Possible. I caught up with him recently, and we talked about our experiences creating, building, and connecting online.
Naturally, there was a small dose of doom, gloom, and despair. But it didn’t all go that way. We also chatted about some of the things that give us hope, including alternative ways we are experimenting and playing as we build our creative practices and businesses in the online world.
Because of the shadows lurking around the corners, trust is in short supply for many of us. We spend excessive time on high alert in anticipation of another person trying to sell us something we don’t need in a way that forces us into the uncomfortable position of having to say no. Not a place many gentle rebels and sensitive souls would willingly choose.
So the topic of “choose your own price” coaching sessions came up. Rob has been doing this for a while, and it’s an approach I’ve used in other contexts (selling merchandise at gigs). I wanted to investigate the practicalities of moving to that kind of model. Is it useful? Could it work for me?
My intuition told me, yes, but I wanted to hear from Rob about his experiences.
The Psychological Impact of FreeWhile we are often drawn to free stuff, we’ve also learned to be deeply suspicious of it. It usually has a concealed cost. The internet has taught us to be wary of the underlying price we are paying.
The “choose your own price” approach immediately felt better than doing free “discovery sessions”. Free can sometimes feel like bait. A lure towards a trap. And when we are suspicious, on alert, and preparing to react to the hard sell, we are are not relaxed and calm – necessities for a valuable coaching conversation.
Replacing the psychological cost of “free” has had a more enriching impact on the session and allows everyone to relax. The other person clearly understands what’s expected from them, and I get to focus on the important thing…connection.
Contribution Creates MeaningSometimes an invitation to contribute can be a gift. When we feel able to give to a situation, relationship, or outcome, we feel more deeply connected to it. Contributing provides us with a sense of purpose and place. We are part of creating rather than simply consuming the world around us.
I wouldn’t say I like the idea of coaching being the preserve of certain people with the means to afford it. I’m aware that times are especially tough at the moment. Coaching can be a lifeline but isn’t a budgetary priority for many of us. I don’t want this to be a barrier for anyone who would value a conversation to get clear on the path they can take, through, and beyond their current situation.
Choose Your Own Price CoachingThese lines in Rob’s post speak to the kind of world I want to be part of creating through my work.
He writes, “when we suspect the worst, we end up co-authoring the future we most fear”. I would love to help co-author a future where we trust is gradually built again. If “our environments shape our behavior, our beliefs, our emotional life”, I want to focus on creating online environments that positively shape creative and playful behaviours, beliefs, and emotional engagement.
“An oasis is a small patch of fertile ground in an otherwise inhospitable environment.”
Maybe we can nurture such a place together.
Let me know if you have any questions, or if this sounds good, you can book a “Choose Your Own Price” session here.
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The post Expand Your Familiarity Zone In Light of The Mere Exposure Effect appeared first on Andy Mort.
Perfectionism and a fear of failing can hold us back from doing what matters to us. But what…
The post 11 | Fear of Success? Why Desired Change Can Be Hard To Implement appeared first on Andy Mort.
I was unsurprised to see researchers looking for links between high sensitivity and narcissism. I’ve been anticipating something…
The post Are Highly Sensitive People Really Just Vulnerable Narcissists? appeared first on Andy Mort.
There are three types of change in life. First; there’s the kind we know is coming but can’t…
The post 10 | I Wish I Could Stop Time (Embrace Change As The Clock Ticks) appeared first on Andy Mort.
Quitting and giving up may seem the same but they’re not. They are two different forms of letting…
The post The Difference Between Giving Up and Quitting appeared first on Andy Mort.
“How can I stop being so introverted? Any advice would be very welcome.” I was asked this question…
The post 09 | How to Stop Being Introverted appeared first on Andy Mort.
The energy vampire is an internal passenger. We all have a version of one inside us. This little…
The post The Energy Vampire Feeds Off Our Creative Spirit appeared first on Andy Mort.
I don’t know about you but sometimes I push myself to the limit and something that would normally…
The post 08 | Create Margin For Inspiration appeared first on Andy Mort.
Unwanted change is an inescapable and challenging fact of life. Change comes in different forms. There is the…
The post Unwanted Change and Collective Grief appeared first on Andy Mort.
We all have those days (or weeks, or months) when we feel like we’re just going through the…
The post 10 Gentle Ways to Find Inspiration in Everyday Life appeared first on Andy Mort.
The idea of the inspiratory system reminds us that inspiration is a lot like breath. The word comes…
The post 07 | The Inspiratory System appeared first on Andy Mort.
We live in an age of abundant access to the best tools available for helping us achieve our…
The post Why Buying The Best Tools Too Soon Might Cause Your Dream to Fail appeared first on Andy Mort.
My new single, Sleep It Off, is set for release on Monday 25th July 2022. But you can…
The post What Comes AFTER The Creative Moment? appeared first on Andy Mort.
There is a huge amount about the topic of habits and I don’t want to regurgitate what is…
The post 06 | All Habits Slow and Small appeared first on Andy Mort.
The teacher turned to the child and said calmly, “I need to be able to speak to the…
The post What Did You Hear Me Say? appeared first on Andy Mort.
The past few years have carried an exceptionally concentrated flow of difficult news. It can feel like too…
The post 05 | Too Much Information appeared first on Andy Mort.
There is an old story that tells of a person wandering on a hot day. After a while,…
The post Are You Forever Chasing The Mirage? appeared first on Andy Mort.
When I first saw the term, “Sensory Processing Sensitivity” I looked straight past it. It was around 2011…
The post 04 | What is Sensory Processing Sensitivity? appeared first on Andy Mort.
I don’t know about you, but I find it strangely unsettling when I feel seen by the world…
The post What Happens When You Feel Seen? appeared first on Andy Mort.
You don’t have to look far to see people acting in mean and selfish ways. Is this because…
The post 03 | A Kind Response To Mean and Selfish People appeared first on Andy Mort.
Many of us move around life carrying all sorts of abandoned hopes, relationships, and projects. If we don’t…
The post Making Peace With Our Internal Abandoned Villages appeared first on Andy Mort.
Are you drawn to “sad” music? Do you get deeply moved by bittersweet literature, film, and art? If…
The post 02 | Bittersweet Melancholy and Deep Sensitivity appeared first on Andy Mort.
Gentleness can feel like a lost cause and a waste of time. Especially when it comes to standing…
The post 01 | Gentleness is Always an Option appeared first on Andy Mort.
We gently censor ourselves all the time. We look for social cues to guide our thinking, actions, and…
The post Are You Censoring Yourself Into a Box? appeared first on Andy Mort.
The Gentle Rebel Podcast is about locating more joy and creative purpose in everyday life. By working out…
The post 00 | Introducing The Gentle Rebel Podcast appeared first on Andy Mort.
I’m pretty committed to life as a slow coach (yes that works on different levels). Strong deep roots…
The post 365 | A Season Finale appeared first on Andy Mort.
In the face of a tempting shortcut sometimes the most rebellious thing we can do is play by…
The post Be Rebellious and Follow The Rules appeared first on Andy Mort.
Creative energy sometimes goes hand in hand with physical, mental, and/or emotional fatigue. It can be a strange…
The post 364 | Creative Energy and Exhaustion appeared first on Andy Mort.
Laughter is a shock absorber. It can create a sense of flex and bounce in a harsh and…
The post Do We Take Ourselves Too Seriously? appeared first on Andy Mort.
This week’s podcast isn’t actually about water safety. But I think these act as an interesting metaphor for…
The post 363 | But Don’t Go In appeared first on Andy Mort.
We are holding an increasingly heavy collective weight right now. The past few years have contained what’s felt…
The post 362 | Dread Stacking appeared first on Andy Mort.
Do you ever find yourself running on autopilot? It’s useful because it helps make everyday habits, routines, and…
The post Life on Autopilot appeared first on Andy Mort.
What does confidence mean to you? We probably all have a pretty clear picture of what a confident…
The post 361 | Confidence: You Can’t Bottle It (with Kendra Patterson) appeared first on Andy Mort.
Are you currently living in the shadow of one of life’s looming walls? Maybe there’s a specific obstacle,…
The post 360 | What’s Beyond The Wall? appeared first on Andy Mort.
I’m not sure it’s a wise thing to write about. My head is telling me not to, but…
The post Shut Up and Laugh: I Want To Talk About Jimmy Carr’s “Joke” appeared first on Andy Mort.
“You can’t make choices that don’t occur to you.” This is a simple truth worth considering. And it…
The post 359 | What Script Are You Writing For Your Life? (with John Perry) appeared first on Andy Mort.
What is play? How does it look, feel, and sound to you? What’s the point of it? What…
The post 358 | The Play Is In The Person, Not In The Toy appeared first on Andy Mort.
We are kicking off 2022 thinking about the theme of “strength”. In particular with relation to creativity, sensitivity,…
The post 357 | Strength and Sensitivity (with Kendra Patterson) appeared first on Andy Mort.
Wow, what a difference a year makes. Sarah Santacroce launched her first book, The Gentle Marketing Revolution in…
The post 356 | Picking Up The Pieces When Things Fall Apart (with Sarah Santacroce) appeared first on Andy Mort.
This is the fourth and final part of the series, Beyond The Noise: Respond to Life’s Clutter On…
The post 355 | Back Behind The Controls appeared first on Andy Mort.
This is the third part of the series, Beyond The Noise: Respond to Life’s Clutter On YOUR Serene…
The post 354 | Tune Into YOUR Frequency appeared first on Andy Mort.
This is the second part of the series, Beyond The Noise: Respond to Life’s Clutter On YOUR Serene…
The post 353 | Sorting Through The Internal Clutter appeared first on Andy Mort.
In this episode I introduce the first part of a mini series I’ll share over the next few…
The post 352 | Stepping Through The Noise appeared first on Andy Mort.
After 20 years as a practicing therapist, Annie Schuessler knew it was time to close her private practice…
The post 351 | The Rebel Therapist (with Annie Schuessler) appeared first on Andy Mort.
How do calmness, gentleness, and serenity pose a threat to the modern world? This might sound like a…
The post 350 | The Threat of Calmness appeared first on Andy Mort.
In this week’s podcast I speak with the author Bill Allen, who wrote ‘Confessions of a Sensitive Man’;…
The post 349 | The Aperture of a Highly Sensitive Person appeared first on Andy Mort.
When things feel anxious and uncertain it can be hard to know where to focus our time and…
The post Stop All or Nothing Thinking In The Face of Anxious Uncertainty appeared first on Andy Mort.
What is the difference between help and support? I’d not really given it much thought until a few…
The post 348 | The Difference Between Help And Support appeared first on Andy Mort.
We’re taking a little detour in this week’s podcast. I’ve just published the Introduction to Belonging episode over…
The post 347 | The Soft Edges Of Serenity Island appeared first on Andy Mort.
Do you ever leave notes for yourself? I use the Evernote Scratch Pad to record thoughts that pop…
The post 346 | Lose Like You Mean It appeared first on Andy Mort.
What is perfection? Other than rather difficult word to describe? I came across this definition: “the action or…
The post An Ode to Imperfection appeared first on Andy Mort.
In this week’s podcast I am joined by screenwriter, director, and producer, Helen Rollins. I came across Helen’s…
The post 345 | The Ideology of Promise (with Helen Rollins) appeared first on Andy Mort.
7 years is a funny length of time. A lot can change. But it also disappears in a…
The post 344 | 7 Years appeared first on Andy Mort.
In this week’s episode I am joined by Helena Roth, the gentle rebel behind tankespjarn.com. You may well…
The post 343 | Tankespjärn (with Helena Roth) appeared first on Andy Mort.
Like many of us, Chris Brock has spent a lot of his life trying to work out what…
The post 342 | Radical Non-Judgement (with Chris Brock) appeared first on Andy Mort.
Emily Agnew is the founder of SustainablySensitive.com, where she supports sensitive people through Focusing and Inner-Bonding practices. She…
The post 341 | Practice Makes Peaceful (with Emily Agnew) appeared first on Andy Mort.
Leah Burkhart is the founder of The Healthy Sensitive, where she shares her experience and expertise as a…
The post 340 | Healthy Sensitivity (with Leah Burkhart) appeared first on Andy Mort.
Brandon Bennett is a sensitive adventurer. His desire to nurture a slow and intentional pace of life led…
The post 339 | Slowing Down (with Brandon Bennett) appeared first on Andy Mort.
In her book, Introvert Power, Laurie Helgoe talks about the idea of a ‘flâneur‘. Someone who would saunter…
The post 338 | Take Your Owl for a Ride appeared first on Andy Mort.
Hey! How’s the weather where you are? The traffic was pretty light on my journey over here, which…
The post 337 | The Value of ‘Making’ Small Talk appeared first on Andy Mort.
Walking in circles sometimes has negative connotations. It conjures an image confusion, chaos, and an inability to commit…
The post 336 | Are You Walking in Circles? appeared first on Andy Mort.
Derek Sivers recently reminded me of an old proverb. It says “shallow rivers are noisy. Deep lakes are…
The post 335 | Shallow Rivers are Noisy, Deep Lakes are Silent appeared first on Andy Mort.
We are pretty good at beating ourselves up with increasing levels of imagination and creativity. I recently scanned…
The post 334 | Am I Growing? appeared first on Andy Mort.
This week’s podcast is about the magic we find in the cracks of everyday life. I am joined…
The post 333 | Everyday Magic appeared first on Andy Mort.
I didn’t know I could turn off the traffic light scoring system. To be honest, it never dawned…
The post Show Me The Green Light appeared first on Andy Mort.
During The Haven year we explore 9 broad pillars of gentle rebellion (change, belonging, serenity, strength, confidence, adventure,…
The post 332 | Creativity, Tranquility, and Inspiration (Summer 2021) appeared first on Andy Mort.
Meditation is a broad word. It describes a set of tools that create conditions for a deeper state…
The post 331 | Meditation appeared first on Andy Mort.
I often seem to say “be gentle with yourself” when someone is going through a hard time. In…
The post 330 | Be Gentle With Yourself appeared first on Andy Mort.
We’ve been taught to believe that life is linear. In many ways it feels like it should be.…
The post 329 | Life is Not Linear appeared first on Andy Mort.
Do you ever feel like you’re caught drifting through life? I know many people feel that way right…
The post 328 | Drifting appeared first on Andy Mort.
Have you ever been asked where you see yourself in five years? How did you respond? How WOULD…
The post 327 | The Impossible Question appeared first on Andy Mort.
Are you one of life’s ‘late bloomers’? I think I’ve always felt like one. So it gives me…
The post 326 | Late Bloomers appeared first on Andy Mort.
In 2015 Caroline Garnet McGraw’s wrote an article for the Huffington Post. It was called “You Don’t Owe…
The post 325 | You Don’t Owe Anyone appeared first on Andy Mort.