Journeys in Words: Recent Episodes
Chris Walton
Welcome to Journeys in Words... interviews to inspire, meditations to give insights and tools for growth.
I’m Chris Walton; a hypnotherapist, coach and mindfulness teacher.
Join me as I explore ideas, tools, motivation, mindfulness, hypnosis, plant medicine, dreams, beliefs, resilience, and living with purpose.
chris-walton.com instagram.com/chriswaltonideas
I chat with Joshua Mitcham of Audemic.io In this chat we discuss;- how Audemic is making research papers more accessible.- how making information easier to digest is good for the world.- how spoken word can be made more easy to remember.- the future of virtual assistants Maybe in future Joshua and myself will be able to get together and go through the top AI computers in movies and TV, like HAL9000 from Space 2001, Javis from Iron Man, Joi from Blade Runner, etc.
Some thoughts on Willy Wonka and how anxiety drives thoughts.‘Come with me and you’ll beIn a world of pure imaginationTake a look and you’ll seeInto your imagination’Recorded while I was on holiday a few weeks ago. I couldn’t resist the sounds of waves in the background 🎙️🌊 [Link in bio] #anxiety #willywonka #pureimaginationImage copyright shutterstock.com/Erin Cadigan
In mindfulness we can use the practice of labelling the different thoughts that pop up, for example; that’s a memory, that’s a plan, that’s a fantasy but really, isn’t everything that is not present fantasy? You can probably agree thoughts about the future are fantasy but what about memory..
[Artwork Copyright Shutterstock/Tithi Luadthong]
TRANSCRIPT
Chris: To cut a long story short, Tom suffered an aortic aneurysm at only 37. Being otherwise healthy, this was completely unexpected. Following acute complex surgery, he ended up spending a week in an induced coma. There's a huge backstory here in how he didn't get referred to hospital by his GP, and there's the story about his recovery and how all this has affected his life in so many ways, but in this episode, we're gonna focus on some of his experiences of that week in the coma.
Chris: Hi, Tom. Thanks for sharing this with us and being here.
Tom: Hello. How you doing?
Chris: How you ended up in a coma, it's a big story in itself, but here you are. What's going through your head at this point?
Tom: I think the thing is you're going through so many departments, in so many states of consciousness that it's hard to tell what's real and what's sort of imagination. So it, I wasn't putting it immediately, but they decided to put me in an induced coma to stabilize me basically cuz I'd had cardiac arrest. I think, these, a lot of mystery surrounding comas and things like that. What sort of level of consciousness you have, what level of awareness you have in terms of the people around you and things like that.
Tom: Mine was obviously induced so I do remember things like, I remember my dad asking me to put my hand up one time or I remember squeeze in, remember doing that. I do remember music playing. There was a lot of soft rock playing. I think it was Heart FM, something like that and I remember sort of thinking, I'm not going out to this song to kind of help me in some ways. But but then as much as well as that a lot of it was to do with thoughts and not the traditional kind of step into the light kind of thing. It was a lot different. It was a lot, it was very dark. It was like a bad trip basically.
Chris: So were you aware of the room around you?
Tom: Varying degrees because if they wanted to try something now and again they'd bring you out again. So that's what I mean about how to know what reality was because I was having visualizations of being on like spare ships and being experimented on and some pretty crazy dark things.
Tom: People talk about your life flashing before your eyes when you were in these critical states, that kind of did happen. I did have visits from like people throughout my life. It was all very negative, like negative, like self-talk and like a lot of people like wanting me to die or saying that it was my time to die or saying, Just insisting that, [wow], I was done.
Chris: So these people from the past were turning up like visualizations and speaking to you and not being very nice. [Yeah]. And, yeah. Tell me a little bit more about them. You say it was groups of people?
Tom: Real people from my past, but it was never anybody who was close to me. It was not my family or anything like that. It was, I've never really had enemies, I wouldn't say. So it wasn't nobody I've ever had problems with, just people, like inconsequential people from my past. So they had no business telling me that. Why those people in particular said those things, I've got absolutely no idea, but obviously I had to find a way. It felt like that was the process and the act of death itself, that's what it felt like at the time. It felt like that was me dying. And if you check my vital signs, I would imagine at that point I was. I know that they asked my family to come in to say goodbye to me because I was critical. I would imagine at that time I was very ill while I was so I think it would coincide with the worst that I was. So it, yeah, I was being swept away to, to my end and it felt like the next page in my book, if I'd had turned the next page would've been my desk. . But I had to find a way not to turn that page and so that's what I had to do, was not let it go. It's like clinging on with your fingernails and refocusing your mind onto something and ignoring this negative talk, it's negative chatter and finding a way to it was so overwhelmingly negative that it was like, how am I gonna reposition my sort of frame of mind onto something that will get me out of this.
Tom: Cuz it was almost like peer pressure trying to convince you to die. . It was very strange, very bizarre. And and I had to say no. And it was like a case of no, I'm not going to like whether you think, believe all those things that I should die. Maybe I should, maybe you're right, but I'm not gonna, So that, that was another thing.
Tom: Yeah. Cause it was it felt like they were right and I should die, but at the same time, I'm not gonna and I had to do that by formulating like my own sort of thoughts or I managed to put myself on a rubber ring going around to water park with my kids. And I just managed to focus on that and just play it on a loop loop, loop. And just don't let, just in a cocoon keep that at bay for as long as it could.
Chris: That sounds brutal. What did you do to counteract that negativity and those feelings?
Tom: It was like, find another message. So I just locked onto my kids, like big time everything had to disappear and it was like tunnel vision. So I had to find a way to just laser focus. And it was just, my little girl at time was six months and my little boy was two so it was just me and them going around and around in a circle at a water park because I needed something that I didn't need something challenging to and complex to think about. It had to be simple and basic and positive and joyous. And that's what I managed to come up with. So we were sat on, like a figure of eight inflatable rubbering kind of thing. . And we were going around just in a circle in a water park. So that just was played and played and it was like an infinite loop and I, it was like being inside a little glass cocoon and outside it with these baying mob telling me that I'm gonna die. . And it's like I have to almost just Be in this little cocoon in my head.
Chris: So when you were having visions of people and you say they were inconsequential people from the past, was any of that rooted in, in history? Were they had they been mean to you or said negative things in the past? Or was it, do you think you'd felt that way?
Tom: Not, as individuals? I think it was just my disposition. Like, In the past
Tom: I've just had a tendency to go towards the dark side. Like I say, when I was a kid and I used to I used to get poorly, like just a fever or something like that, I used to hallucinate and sweat really bad and then whenever that happened, I would go to a dark place and that happened from being like 6, 7, 8, I remember. And to, into my teens, to, drinking and like drinking too much. If you drank too much I would go to a that place or if, had anything else and just psychologically that's where I'd often gravitate to. And so being younger, like at, in my twenties always worried about how will I ever get out of this because for a lot of people who suffer from anxiety, they think that they'll never, ever be able to master it, and they think they're stuck with it for their entire life. Yeah. And some people asked it with their entire lives. Yeah. And I, and if you it's something that needs to be challenged head on, and you need, it won't go away if you don't make it go away so you've got to find a way of conquering your anxiety and I feel like I managed to do that. I still get it sometimes, but generally speaking, I found a way to, and that's something that, I'm sure people will have experience of, but if I hadn't learned how to conquer anxiety, I think I would've struggled to have overcome this situation because I think it would've sunk me. You know what I mean? But maybe not, but who knows?
Chris: So you're talking about the dark side and having sort of dark thoughts at certain times. It is, it, is it a sort of being drawn to it? You know how they say we like horror films because it helps us deal with stuff. And we're so almost playing with that anxiety a little bit and the scares and stuff, is it are you drawn to the dark side like that, or?
Tom: No, I think it's more I think it was always self-esteem. It wasn't anything that I like, enjoyed. It was just, I suppose it was like more to do with self-esteem and confidence really. And and when you in that frame of mind, things tend, you can go one or two ways and if you are in a frame of mind, it, if you self talk is not good, then you'll go to the dark side. Do you know what I mean? , that's the way people gravitate towards. So that, it was more to do with that. So it was more revisiting, like being in that sort of coma and going to the dark side. It was a bad trip. That's what it was. . And but if you, if maybe if you have a positive disposition, which I think I am now And I think I was at the time, but it was much like going back in time a little bit. But maybe the people who see the angels and see the heaven and see the people visited from nice people, maybe they've just got a different a d disposition. So that's what I mean. Now it's interesting now, like your own brain could sink you. Yeah. And it could take you down. And so yeah, it's really interesting like that because your mind's pretty powerful really.
Chris: And you said quite, physiological, it's quite there's quite a lot going on. Do you think because it was so much trauma going on in the body, do you think that really drove some of the anxiety?
Tom: Well, The thing, the, one of the funny things is when I was actually out I think one of the consultants said to someone I think it was Amelia said that Does he suffer from anxiety and she said, Yeah. And he said it could have been his heart. So that's the other thing I'd suffered from anxiety, the doctor had asked if I did, because he said the, my heart could have been causing my anxiety. , because if you think about it, I've got a big 10 centimeter aneurism just above my aortic valve. So that's, as your heart pumps blood out, it's in that chamber there that's gonna make your heart beat faster, which is gonna make you anxious and feel anxious. So it could have been the cause of my anxiety. So people who do suffer from anxiety, who knows what the body could be trying to tell them we don't know, do we? Yeah. So that's a really interesting thing. But like the lead up to just before I actually was hospitalized I was like, I felt like I was losing my mind. So just intense, like panic. I remember sitting in the bath and not wanting to get out and just fear inexplicable fear for the unknown. I didn't know what was wrong. I didn't have pains, so it was just unease ease and now I know what it was. So it's like my body was basically telling me that I was very ill. But I didn't know why. So it's very interesting, in that sort of physiological way how that came about.
Chris: So the, so all these people from your past all this negative talk do you think in a way that kind of gave you some determination then, even though it sounded like they were telling you to die and stuff. Do you think you got anything from that?
Tom: Well, I'm still here, so in a way, but it's hard to say it because I'm still alive, but I don't know if it was as like a a mechanism for me to, to rally against. Ah, like what my insides tell me is that was just how ill I was and it, I don't think it was in reality, I don't think it was anybody wanting me to die. I think it was me dying. So I don't think it was necessarily these people who were saying it. I can think of a few of them. I don't think any of them will be today in reality. So it's nothing like that. I think it just was my body being so weak and poorly that it was dying. And and that was just me falling into this black river getting swept away to my death. And that's where it felt like, So there was no bright light. It wasn't very romantic. It was just me. Try maybe it was the struggle and the fact maybe maybe it was the fight. But they didn't at that point they'd called my family because I was gonna die. So the fact that I didn't, maybe that blackness was me clawing my way back because I was done basically. So if I'd have just died, maybe it would've been nice and white light. Because I didn't die maybe that was the struggle to not die. Who knows? I, it could have been that.
Chris: So did they feel like real, these visualizations are you really there, or?
Tom: Not necessarily real. I was aware that how it was like it was like death itself. So it was almost like if I had a given into these thoughts, I would've, I believe I would've died. So I had to find a way to.. It's like to the outside world, you, you're asleep, but inside your mind is still quite active. So if you switch your mind off in that state, I think you die. I think it felt like that's what happens. So like sleep within asleep. So if you fall asleep within that sleep, there's no waking up. That's what it felt like. So I felt like I needed to hook my mind on, hook it somewhere. Cause I was like cleaning on by my fingers. So you have to find a way to stop you. It's really strange to say, but like your mind's eye inside to stop that from closing. It felt like those old fashioned televisions when you turn it off and the little white light goes into the middle and disappears. . And I felt that little, like that little white dot in the middle and if it had flicked out, that would've been the end.
Chris: So that was like, your conscious was like just holding onto life to keep that going.
Tom: Yeah. It felt like I was on like the last page. If there was another page in my book that was when I died, so I didn't want to turn to that last page because that was it and so it was a way of preventing that really and keeping all these things at bay.
Chris: Wow. So yeah, we were saying this earlier, but it doesn't sound like in the movies at all. When people talk about angels and white light and peace, it sounds tough.
Tom: No, I can imagine for some people it maybe it is like that. I suppose it depends on, like in the past, even from being a kid, like, when I've been poorly as a kid I've had like bad sort of what's the word, hallucinations. And I've experienced these kind of weird, like bad trips kind of things throughout my life, and I think that sort of didn't help.
Tom: So that in a way I feel shows that maybe , your disposition, your natural disposition. And how much your thought goes into your physical state. I felt like I could thought my way into death. , do you know what I mean? Which is a bit of a crazy thing to say, whether that's possible or not. People will have different views on that, but it feels like two people could have been in the same situation , and depending on the frame of mind could be different outcomes. And that's what it felt like and I felt like I went to a dark place which could have ended up in sort of me trying to like, I don't want any more of this, but what I did was I was just thinking about my kids really.
Tom: And invented the scenario, just me and my kids on a water park going round and round in circles on like a lilo thing, a rubber ring kind of thing going round and round in circles. And I just pinned my mind on that because it was a positive thought. I put it on a loop, I felt like I was in a cocoon and all these negative thoughts were around me, basically telling me to die.
Tom: If I'd have succumbeded to that, I think I would've done, but because I managed to use this strategy to keep it at bay. And I think that came from, maybe, coping mechanisms from the past where I've, you learn to do these things. I think if it have been fresh to me, I think it might have been overwhelming, but I managed to find a, an avenue where I could just, it's almost like an air raid shelter and just get in there and try to weather it until eventually they put a tracheostomy in and brought me around and tried a different way. And then that was a slow ween from there and it was a different approach to the recovery, but at that time it wasn't looking promising at all. So yeah.
Tom: Did you think did at any point you think about letting go?
Tom: It's very weird because , it sounds very English, but I was paranoid about things that I might have said and to the nurses and yeah, and paranoid about being in an inconvenience and being vulnerable and like being too much trouble which sounds ridiculous when you're basically dying but you think, Oh, are they getting annoyed with me? Like so strange thoughts like that, which sounds really English, but
Chris: so thinking you might be better off going or?
Tom: No, not really but I cuz the thing was, I was like the only voice who wanted me to not die.
Tom: So like the thing was it was like it was very strange, like just an overwhelming swarm of it felt like, death as an emotion. Do you know what I mean? So if death was an emotion, that's what it was. It was like trying to take me away. And like the only thing that could stop that from happening was, I had to say no, I had to refuse it.
Chris: What was the emotion like? Was it like anxiety type feeling or?
Tom: I think I said before that it was like being washed away in, in a big black river. So it felt like I was being washed away and taken away. And and that's what all these sort of bad thoughts and like I say, I thought I was at one point I thought I was being experiment on, but like your level of consciousness in surgery I, I'll be in open heart surgery for 10 hours.
Tom: Also things like that you probably got certain levels of awareness of the, they are doing things to you cuz the doctors and stuff like that. So it's are you a little bit aware of what they're actually doing? Do you know what I mean? The impact of being on a heart lung machine for 10 hours is a long time as well. So yeah, it's, it is challenging our deal that, and that was just that little period. There was many sections to it that was just that one little period of being in coma. But then you've got the recovery outside of that, being on the trachea, which is a different story in itself, really.
Chris: Really fighting there for for survival. Was there any positive bits? Is it like, sometimes we have this idea of comas being like sleep? Was there any rest?
Tom: It definitely it like it, like you say, if you watch film and it's challenging for your family, obviously seeing you in that state, but it's this view that you're just relaxing. I don't know about, I can't speak for anybody else, but it wasn't like that. It was like a battle of the mind and it was it'd be interesting to talk to anybody else who's been in a situation, because obviously I can only speak for myself, but it, it wasn't a peaceful rest to then get the energy to get better. It was, yeah, it was it was like a bit of a battle in terms of positives and stuff like that. I think everything disappears. Everything not as important, which is a good lesson because everything fell away so you get like laser focus, which is just for me, it was just all thought about was my kids and that was something that I had to hang my sort of my.. Life on, Do you know what I mean? So I had to hang it on that because it would be interesting if I didn't have kids in night. I'm not saying that you wouldn't give up, but what would I substitute my kids for, yeah. I'd have to find something else..
Chris: And was that like, thoughts of like if I'm not around, what would that be like?
Tom: Just to keep my focus? My little girl, she's five now, but the time she was six months, my boy was two. And it was just, she was, just how cute and innocent they are and like, it's just like they made me like, they gave me something that I wouldn't have otherwise had to hold onto and but like I say, so everything else fell away and it's like things like layers peel away until they were the only things left. And it's so that was the only thing that, that kept me focused really. But then you I won't go into too much detail cause I could talk for hours, but they're the lessons that you want to learn from an experience like that, then you get, as you start to recover, over the months and years he easy to get sucked back into normality and the rat race and like the grind and forget these lessons and you have to find a way to re remind yourself where you were, because life doesn't forgive, life doesn't really care that something like that's happened to you. . So it, the lesson that you've been taught is quickly forgot because it's not really, it's so personal to you but the world's not bothered. No. So you've got to try and find a way of, using that lesson, to good effect.
Chris: And what is it you've taken away from that? From it, from experience?
Tom: Um, the thing is, that I, I don't think I, I used the lesson so, that's what I want to do now. I don't want to let it go and let slip because I feel like it was such a unique experience, what I've told you, but also things that I haven't told you. I think it was like such a unique experience that it's, it doesn't feel like something that you can let slide and it feels like something that needs, I need to Incorporate somewhere and use in my life because it's almost a blessing because I was so grateful when I was in there, I should get so emotional once, cause I was intensive care for two months and I was so grateful for the people that were looking after me. It was so emotional and I was like just looking at watching everybody and what they were doing for me. And it was so what's the word? Humbling that that you just felt overwhelmed by love for all these people that were so good to you. And so you get back into normality and you don't want to forget that you want to put that to, to use in some way. , it's
Chris: Yeah. So you're carrying something from it that not totally put into use yet, but like you can feel it coming out into the world or something happening?
Tom: I feel like I was able to manage because I've had experiences with anxiety and things in my past and coping and I suppose you could say, C B T and all that kind of stuff and I've had bushes with using those sort of techniques in the past. So that I feel like if I, maybe I had. Maybe they'd been a different outcome, but I feel like, because mentally I'd had tools that I could use to try and , so like now I feel like potentially these people who struggle, maybe are taken, it's very, it can be a very lonely place to be in, when you're recovering from something and the unknown, like especially your mind and body cuz you know, I felt like I maybe had Parkinson's or, I felt like I had more new, I was just trembling and shaking a lot and I felt I've survived all that. It was such a battle to survive and then I was worried that I had a degenerative condition cause my body just felt so ill and just felt so weak. And so it was a case of I've done all that and why did I bother? Because I'm just, I'm not gonna be well so it'd be nice to somehow support people who are suffering with trauma and who are suffering with, something like that to just know that, it is lonely, but I suppose just know that the people out there who know how they feel. You know what I mean?
Chris: Yeah. Such a unique experience for people and yeah I think you were saying earlier, you had no idea what it would be like. You think, Oh, I'll get the surgery and that's it. Yeah. But it was a lot more to it.
Tom: I think. Yeah, I think cuz it was all such a, I had a huge aism, They had to replace my aortic valve. It was a really big operation. It all happened so quick, it was acute, so I wasn't like waiting on a waiting list or anything like that. It just happened quickly. So I didn't have like loads of time to worry. But the surgeon, who was a legend he explained what they were gonna do and he was like, Oh my goodness when he explained what they were gonna do. So I thought I'll either die in surgery or I'll just recover. I wasn't really anticipating the slog of the being in intensive carefully, like two months and the stages that went through in that regard. But that's life. You've got no choice so that's the beauty of it is you've got no choice. So when, if you find yourself in a situation like that, what else can you do? , Nothing.
Chris: No. And I think you were saying earlier, About self-talk to help with difficult times in it. Will you tell us a bit about how that was?
Tom: Self-talk was, the self-talk was more, more the bad stuff. So these characters that were real people from my past, not necessarily people that I had any problems with either. Not, I didn't have any of my family or close friends saying negative things to me. More inconsequential people from school and people who I knew but weren't necessarily close to, they were just . It was just like the people see your life flashes before your eyes. It did in a air, because these people from my past came and told me.. Some decided to call me a loser or say, Yeah, you gonna die. It's your time to die. And just very horrible. It was horrible. So that was kind like the , that aspect to it. I didn't really answer in words. It was more like I say I just had to just stand up to it and think. It was more a case of having to switch off from it and think how am I gonna not do what they say? Cause it was like, it felt like a barrage of negativity.
Chris: So controlling you, your focus?
Tom: Yeah. It's more, yeah, it was more to do with focus than self talk. So like I say and I was joking before, but I mean it in a way cuz they kept local radio sessions that play the same music all the time and I could hear the music and I've got no problem with the music as such but it was just the same songs and it was like Cher and all these songs and I genuinely thought, I think I even managed to have a laugh whilst I was in that state. I thought I'm not, I'm not going down to this man. I'm not going, I'm not going out to this song. And I genuinely believe that helped me a little bit as well. Yeah. If you had to put like a song that I loved, I might have thought, Oh, you know what, I'm done. This is it. Oh, this is a nice song to go out to. Yeah. I'm not jokingly, I wouldn't have give up, but but it did feel like songs were, I won't say they were driving me mad, but maybe they contributed to saving me, but also another song line; ' Ain't if you fall, but how you rise, that says who you really are.' I played that song in my head, like round and round that line. And so I was just trying to find things like that. It was like a mantra.
Chris: Yeah. So what was the phrase again?
Tom: ' It's not if you fall, but how you rise that says who you are.' so it was a case of this can happen to anyone, out of the blue. Things can take us by surprise but, you've got to face these challenges and we'll all have challenges in different ways so, it's a case of How you meet that challenge, and, but it almost feels like I say, that was a challenge in itself but then getting back to life, it, life itself is a challenge. . So it's like trying to find that same sort of zest for not dying, put that same energy into living. Do you know what I mean? And that sounds cheesy, but cuz I feel like by surviving you only get back to zero. It's how if I, if it took such an effort to get back to zero, like how can I put that effort into thriving in life? Do you know what I mean? So I suppose that's where I feel like I'm at now and now to re think of reevaluate things and it's if you can go, you don't get any, you don't get a badge for not dying. Yeah. So it's so how can I I'm at zero now, so how can I put that level of effort that it took to not die. How can I put that into Yeah. Going forward. So I suppose that's I feel like I missed that opportunity and I'm trying to rediscover that because I think it's something that we all owe to ourselves a little bit.
Chris: Thank you very much for sharing Tom. So much to go at with your recovery and we could talk about not being that much support for people after these experiences. But yeah, we'll start there. And yeah, thank you very much for sharing.
Tom: Thank you very much.
Chris: Thanks for tuning in. And if you found it interesting, please do shat. And if you'd like to know more about my hypnotherapy problems or. Coaching or mindfulness teaching, please visit Chris hyphen walton.com.
In this episode I'm very pleased to meet with my friend Gary who I met on an Ayahuasca retreat in March 2020 just before the world shutdown due to covid.
We talk about his ceremony experiences, how the learnings helped give him a 'just do it' energy into his life, how he put his big ideas into practice, how he left his job, ended up merging 2 rival companies and then selling the new company.
We also talk about integrating back into life after Ayahuasca, connecting with healthy masculinity, living in the present and changes in beliefs.
Interview with Jay Simpson, house manager and trustee of Jamjang Buddhist Centre Leeds.
In this episode we discuss Jay's path to Buddhism, from when he found some books as an 8 year old via dreams that foretold the future, to building helping build the future of the centre. We talk about the importance of compassion and mindfulness in meditation and in living a positive life!
TRANSCRIPT
Intro: [00:00:00] This podcast is for thinkers and problem solvers.
Chris: I'm here with Jay Simpson, who is a trustee and the house manager of Jamjang Leeds, Buddhist center and you've been practicing Buddhism for over 20 years, I think.
Jay: Yeah. That's right. I'm a first came into Buddhism in 2001 formally as part of Jamyang Buddhist Centre Leeds just attending as a student when it was in the premises at Harehills.
Jay: [00:01:00] Before then I kind of knew I was a Buddhist or that I should be on the Buddhist path, but never knew how to actually find a legitimate place to practice, how to study, what even that meant as a learning exercise. Is it just something that I would just learn and understand, or was it more of a life experience.
Jay: But fortunately, when I moved to Leeds, I struck gold and started getting involved at Jamjang Leeds.
Chris: You've got quite an interesting story of how you were drawn to Buddhism. If you'd be kind enough to share that, it'd be an interesting place I used to start.
Jay: Yes, certainly. So I've mentioned that I'm from Grimsby originally from a council estate that has been wiped off the face of the earth now. Cause it was quite rough and, quite poor. And while we played in the backfields I [00:02:00] found two books that had kind of squiggly writing in and I didn't know what they were. I must've been about eight or nine at the time. And I thought, keep these for when I was older then, I could then find out what the writing said. And they turned out to be Tibetan manuscripts on the medicine border and also the diamond cutter Sutra, both of which are key elements in my daily practice now but it wasn't until 20 years later that I actually rediscovered the books as I travel quite a lot. Kind of everything clicked into place for me, but I'd also been taking a partner at the time, when I was in my twenties to a meditation session and I had heard that it was a Buddhist meditation and I had no interest at all in joining the class, I thought, but the sign caves,[00:03:00] switching themselves off from reality and navel gazing. How wrong I was .
Chris: You got dragged along?
Jay: Oh yes. So I sat at the back of the class and that evening, I dreamt about a monk teaching me how to read this very long thin book. And I asked the monk in the dream, what he was doing. And there was a picture of a space man, a picture of a heart, a Lotus flower, and a Buddha. And I asked him what these symbols meant. And he says, oh, well, it's quite simple, an extraordinary being using love and compassion will attain wisdom and therefore enlightenment. And I just felt, how unusual! This isn't something that's normally my daily experience. And I asked the monk, so can I ask what your name is and where you are?
Jay: I recognised that there was stone walls[00:04:00] and railings, and it kind of made me think of Yorkshire and the countryside because obviously because Grimsby is in Lincolnshire and the monk said, oh, my name is Chenresig. And that this book is the Lotus Sutra, and I said, oh, okay, thanks very much. End of my dream.
Jay: And then I went to the meditation session again the week later, and I was sat at the back of the class when I heard the monks say the Lotus Sutra, I thought oh we must have studied it last week and made me think of a dream. So I asked the monk if he knew what the Lotus Sutra was. And what, what it was about, he said it's about about how to gain enlightenment through love and compassion and wisdom.
Jay: Ah, okay. And who wrote this then? And he says, oh, it's written by a Buddha. The patron Buddha of Tibet. And that made me think, [00:05:00] okay, I said, did you discuss this last week at the class? He says, no, no. It's a new topic. So I thought, okay, that's a bit freaky. I leave that part there.
Jay: And then the following week, I took my partner again to the meditation class, and then that night I had another dream. And this time I was on a wet rainy island in Scotland, which had never, ever been to before. I've never left Grimsby. And a, possession of monks came around the corner, carrying this high Lama, and then the Lama was lowered down to the stand and he walked across the sand without getting his feet mucky he was just kind of levitating above and the thought of this man's a bit special.
Jay: I'll have to ask him who he is, but before I could, he said to me, do you know who you are? And I says, well, [00:06:00] yes, I'm Jay. And he says, no, do you know who you actually are? So I just thought, no I don't understand He said come and find me. I said, okay, who are you? And he says, well, my name is Lama Yeshe.
Jay: And you'll find me Holy island in Scotland. And I thought, okay, but from the dream. I remember the two monks faces at the front of the procession. So then I woke up thought it was just another dream. I went back to the meditation class. Have you heard of this gentleman? No. Never heard of him I said okay.
Jay: It must be just a made up dream, but because I was working from home as a shiatzu practitioner at the time, most people would give me a call ask if they could book a treatment for a back pain or limb injury. But this particular day, I got a knock on my front door and as I opened the door, I [00:07:00] recognize the face from the dream of the first monk on the left.
Jay: And I was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. So I asked him who he was and what he wanted. And he said, he'd like to have a shiatsu treatment he'd heard about me. But his problem was that he was, he had anger issues and wanted shiatsu to help with them. So I said, it's not normally the kind of thing I would do, but certainly come in.
Jay: We'll see if we can get you to be relaxed. And then the following day, there was another knock on my front door. And as I opened, I recognize a face immediately as being the second monk that was in the front of the procession in the dream. And he'd heard about me, what is coming up for treatment, but his problem was that he was afraid of dying.
Jay: And I just said, well, this is definitely not something that I treat with, [00:08:00] but again, if you want to come in and talk and have a conversation, you know, so then that evening, my partner got back from work and I explained that these two people had been, and they were from this dream that I had experienced.
Jay: He said oh it's just make believe, it's fantasy. I said, okay, I'm just going to make you your tea. And I came back into the room and the TV was behind me and suddenly I heard this voice on the TV and instantly I knew it was Lama Yeshe. So I turned around and lo and behold on the screen, there's Lama Yeshe being filmed in the exact spot my dream was. And the across, the bottom came up, the words Lama Yeshe Holy island in Scotland. So I was completely blown away. So I knew there was meant to be some kind of connection with Buddhism. Although I don't know what or why. [00:09:00] So I said to my partner at the time, if this is meant to be anything, and it's not just fanciful thinking, I'll be able to speak to this gentleman in the next five minutes, knowing full well, I wouldn't be able to and I could put it to bed.
Jay: Yeah. So I decided to ring 192 for directory inquiries, which existed back in the day and ask them if they knew of a Tibetan that lived in Scotland or Tibetan society. And they said, oh, yes, we'll put you through now. I said, okay, and they me through to the Tibet society in the UK. And I said, that I had a very strange dream about this Lama Yeshe in Scotland. Sorry to bother you. I'm just trying to find out if I can get ahold of him and then next thing. Oh, yes, he's got a monastery, called Samye Ling. I'll just put you through. I says, oh, okay. So they put me through to Samye Ling Monastry up in Scotland near Eskdalemuir, and then a nun picked the phone up [00:10:00] and I said, oh, hello, sorry to bother you.
Jay: My name is Jay. I've had this very odd dream. I'm not a weirdo, but I've had a dream about Lama Yeshe. Yes, she, and he wanted me to get hold of him. And she said, oh, one moment. And then a voice came on the phone and said, hello, Lama Yeshe speaking and it was within the five minutes. So I explained the situation and the dream, and he said to me, if I ever came up to Scotland, he'd love to meet me that this was normal for him.
Jay: And that he would show me around and talk to me a little more about Buddhism. And it took me three years to get to meet him and, that was it I was firmly on the path to being Buddhist and just looking for somewhere to find, to practice, after a visit [00:11:00] of, a few days, I explained I lived just outside Yorkshire at the time and they said, well, if you go to Leeds, there's a Jamyang Buddhist center who will be able to put you on the path.
Jay: And the moment I walked in the door instantly, I was on the path. I met my teacher the first day and yeah, now I'm helping build its future for generations to come. Wow. It's been a bit of a journey to say the least.
Chris: And so how do you make sense of it? I believe in Buddhism, there's a lot to do with the connectiveness of everything?
Jay: Yes in Buddhism philosophy and thought everything is interconnected, nothing is independent and coming from a council estate that, the people who lived there didn't have any particular faith, was [00:12:00] day-to-day living, very limited in its viewpoints of the outside world. It was completely different and a bit of a culture shock for me.
Jay: So you'd seen the TV films, like the Golden Child and all this sort of thing thinking is how fancyful this is and how unreal. But actually on hindsight, I can see the all the events that happened in my life all lined up perfectly to get me to where I am right now, even the jobs that I've done completely random, unrelated, jobs in various places have all given me the key skills needed to do exactly what I'm doing now to establish Jamyang for the future.
Jay: So I'm very, very, very skeptical, very down to earth but most Tibetan Buddhist are, which is yet another [00:13:00] grounding effect on me.
Chris: That's incredible.
Jay: Yeah. They always said I should write books.
Chris: Yeah. I don't know if you tell us a little bit about your thoughts on the role of mindfulness in Buddhism. How it fits in, some of the approaches, perhaps.
Jay: Okay. So what I have learned as I've gone along the path is that I wanted to find individuals actually walk the talk. So I wanted to sit and observe monks and nuns that are supposedly happy to see what they do so I could do exactly the same as them to get to where they're are. And no matter what the Buddhist tradition, whether it's Indian, chinese Japanese, Sri Lankan, Tibetan. They all have the key element of meditation [00:14:00] in the practice. And from observation, those who practice meditation on a daily basis achieve a much more greater sense of calm and peace and also clarity of mind and more open awareness. And can gain realisations you on the path a lot easier.
Jay: So as I've studied over the years, mindfulness is actually a part of the Buddhist meditation. And also the mindfulness movement has developed over the past 10, 15, 20 years actually came out of Buddhism with Jon Kabat-Zinn. Originally mindfulness was connected with the base elements of compassion because you can mindfully pick up a chair, mindfully, bang somebody over the head with a chair, mindfully, put it down and mindfully walk [00:15:00] away.
Jay: There's no benefit but if you act with compassion as it's based this, then you're more likely to achieve the result that you're looking for. So meditation really is the key element and mindfulness is part of the Buddhist practice of meditation. So when you're trying to develop concentration, you need to have a second cognitive function called mindfulness that will observe whether your mind is slipped off your object of meditation, whether it's a sound, a taste a feeling an understanding of something from analytical meditation. So mindfulness also can be simply observing whether or not your mind is slipped from the breath, observing it, or it can be that mind observes when you're in your day to day life, [00:16:00] whether you've broken your vows or close to breaking your vows, or whether you're taking ethical actions of body, speech, and mind. So it's quite a wide expansive mindset, but it's only one aspect, but the west has clicked onto the mind from this movement and kind of wrapped it all together into one thing. And it's kind of a, it's kind of a little bit mistaken, but the new compassionate movement that's now arrived.
Jay: It's going to work in conjunction with the mindfulness movement to hopefully it will bring them back together against the people get the full benefit.
Chris: It seems like there's the mindfulness, on its own can be just used as this little tool that's supposedly used to get rid of stress or to make the mind go blank is what it's sort of often marketed as, or the belief is.
Jay: Definitely.
Chris: And that compassion part. [00:17:00] I definitely, for myself, as soon as I sort of understood the sort of compassion element and that relationship with yourself and your thoughts it really unlocked it for me.
Jay: Totally.
Chris: I was meditating trying to be mindful, but and just being annoyed at myself.
Jay: Yeah. You could be mindful that you're angry mindfully that you're getting more angry because you're mindful that you're angry. So it's a never defeating loop. Whereas if you're basing the mindfulness and compassion, You can start to let things go and to be kind, not just to yourself but to others. Yeah. And also the compassion then develops integrate compassion. So then you're there to then help other people achieve the same.
Chris: It's it's quite scary. At first the amount of frustration that I was noticing. Yeah. A lot of people hold this and even with themselves, just trying to sit still, or they're quite annoyed at themselves. And it's quite a lot to take on at first. You kind of, yeah you [00:18:00] grip you grip really hard at stuff with the mind.
Jay: Yeah. Day-to-day we constantly think everything is fixed and solid and definite and real and exists out there but as you start to practice mindfulness and then it develops into an understanding of kindness and compassion and then into meditation, then you're able to challenge your own thoughts, feelings, et cetera, in a kind positive way.
Jay: And then you start to see reality in a whole new light. But also when individuals either try to to practice meditation and the daily life or mindfulness, 99% of people say, 'oh, I can't do it. My head's too full of rubbish, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.' But that's great that the see that because it's the first time that they see it. It's happening all the time, but you just don't look at it.
Jay: So when you first [00:19:00] start to meditate or practice mindfulness, It's shown in all its glory and you either run or you sit with it. And if you're acting with kindness again on yourself, you sit with it and just observe it and then they'll start to slow down. Then it'll start to be more subtle, then you start to realize that it's not fixed and solid, then you start to realize you can change it then you feel empowered.
Chris: Yeah. I tell people when I teach the teaching, the mindfulness one thing I say is it's not the thoughts, they didn't take you out of the mindfulness, out of the meditation. People have a thought and get annoyed or they go along with the thoughts, but it can be a way back in. The way you treat them or treat yourself kindly for going with the thoughts. It's a way in every time it's like a micro compassion each time for yourself.
Jay: Definitely, definitely even acknowledging the fact. You've had a horrible day. You [00:20:00] feel rubbish. It's too intense for you to sit with at the minute. Even the act of kindness releases the solidity and tension of that or feeling, and that's being mindful.
Chris: It's so hard to do that first step, it's like, I feel like the resistance comes to like that questioning your own reality. It's easier to dig in and to think it's fixed. It feels a bit easier, but it's not really once you get past it.
Jay: No, that's true. I mean, the first time I tried to meditate was in a church in Leeds and I went with a friend at the time and I thought I need to be sat all quiet, cross legged and focusing on the breath and I just burst out belly laughing absolutely horrendously, laughing out loud. And I just thought, I just need to go because this is [00:21:00] embarrassing for me plus the teacher and I thought this is just a load of rubbish. I need to go. And now I teach meditation every single day. It just shows that the initial reaction is your mind just thinking what's going on here, please don't make me do something you have not done before again but giving yourself time and space and being practical and pragmatic. You're not going to be come enlightened instantly on your first go. Expect to fall over.
Chris: Yeah. My first sort of entry into meditation that worked was transcendental meditation. Actually, I tried other ways and just found it really hard, but the actively saying your mantra was easier than sitting in [00:22:00] silence.
Chris: After a while I stopped because, in a way I was using it to overwrite my thoughts. So I'd have a thought and come back to the mantra and that's what kind of, what the point is, I believe. You settle on one thing and in the mind settles more and more, settles, and settles and then it's very nice. Yeah. Blissful often, but that was my way in to see it showed me that what could be there when the mind calmed down.
Chris: But I don't use it anymore. I use a sort of more grounding coming back into the body type of mindfulness, concentrating on the breath or the feelings in the body. Yeah but Transendental Mediation, it really helped me as a way in actually.
Jay: That's amazing. That's cool. Everybody's so different and there are so many different techniques out there. For example, Tai Chi, that's pure movement and meditation in motion, so that's great for somebody who is very physical and also yoga as well. That's an introduction, there's also walking [00:23:00] meditation, but then there's also visualization.
Jay: When a child is, has his or her face in an ice cream is when they've just got it from the ice cream van. They are completely and utterly absorbed in the taste, its texture, its flavor, how much happiness it brings. The outside world doesn't exist at that very moment. And lots of us do this on a day-to-day basis.
Jay: So it's knowing what works for you as an individual. Some people like to listen to sounds, some people like to do something physical. Some people like to visualize, some people like to recite mantra or affirmations, but they are all introductions to letting go of the outside world, bringing the mind inwards, not just into the body, but actually observing your [00:24:00] mind.
Jay: And that's what we're not used to doing in the west at all. And that's what feels very alien and that we don't know whether we're doing it right or not, because it's not in our culture. And if I mentioned to my parents or my family, that I'm off to sit and meditate or do prayers, they just go, 'well, that's weird are you in a cult?' but after years and years and years of seeing me practice, they now ask 'how do I calm down in this situation?', 'How do I keep a peace for mind during this?'. So just by leading by example, others can benefit as well. Yeah.
Chris: Yeah. A lot of what I tell people about mindfulness is, it's not just about the meditation practice. It's like in all life, be compassionate and aware as much as you can be. And that's a big part of it as well. Isn't it?
Jay: It [00:25:00] is. Yes. A lot of people think that if you just sit and meditate, that will sort everything out and it doesn't at all, not in the slightest. Meditation is really the preparation, for all of your other activities, with your body and your speech, and also how you think.
Jay: And if you try to meditate on an evening, for example, you've got all the days, problems, worries, concerns. Strong emotions that you've needed to settle and filter out before you start to settle the mind. If you actually start the meditation in the morning, your mind is more pliable and soft and it's not full of the day's activities.
Jay: So you can set your motivation, you can see that through the day, you want to be more kind or do the right thing when someone's annoyed at you [00:26:00] or, that you will not react to negative situations and you can then soak your mind in kindness, patience, love, all of the virtuous qualities, and then that in itself will affect the rest of your day.
Jay: So that's how your meditation in the morning will have a positive effect going forward. It's not there to sort out past. Experiences can be helpful, but it's more about dealing with the present going forward. Yeah. And you will start to notice habits and patterns as you try to practice. And that's when you can start to realize that it's got a beginning, a middle and an end, and that you're able to transform the negative into positive.
Chris: Nice. Well, that's a good place to end the think. Unless there's anywhere you'd want to point anyone, to any books [00:27:00] that might people might like, or anything they can do to get them on the path of mindfulness or compassion?
Jay: Yeah. Well, I think if you're wanting to go down the path of mindfulness, always remember to base it on compassion for yourself and for others. Never do any action without the thought of, is it helpful to me and others, that way you can't go wrong. For meditation and a little bit more about what compassion is and its definition and mindfulness and the cognitive functions, and some examples, How To Meditate by Kathleen Mcdonald is my go-to resource.
Jay: And there's so many tabs. I'm not a great reader. That particular book has got tabs all the way down, feeling depressed, use that one, wanting to be calm and [00:28:00] peaceful, do that meditation, wanting to remember that things are'nt fixed and solid use that meditation and also the background information of why it's useful, practicaly perfect read.
Chris: Ah great! Well I'll put a link in the show notes and the link to the Jamyang Buddhist Center, if anyone feels the draw to that, that'd be great.
Jay: Yeah, definitely. Thank you so much was really,
Chris: Thanks it's been really good. Thanks Jay brilliant.
Outro: Thanks for tuning in. If you found it interesting, please do share and if you're interested in any of my coaching, problem solving, therapy or mindfulness teaching, please visit fastslow.com.
[Full journal post can be found here: www.chris-walton.com/journal/snowglobemettameditation]
This loving kindness or Metta meditation is for when you find yourself stuck in frustrated problem solving and can’t move through.
You were taught to solve. Maybe you were taught you could solve it.
But the energy underneath the problem should not be solved it should be accepted.
This meditation may involve strong emotions and asks us to find compassion for ourselves and those we may have difficulties with. Only listen when safe to do so.
[Image - K via Shutterstock.com, Backing Track - Score Squad/Shutterstock.com]
WHEN TO USE: overthinking, after work, before sleep.
An antidote to modern life's busyness and the minds overthinking.
Close your eyes and reconnect with the infinite depth you have within..
For all is busyness the outside world cannot the unlimited depth or stillness you hold.
Any yawning during this meditation is a welcome sign. A yawn is the final rattle of thoughts released!
View on YouTube: https://youtu.be/qPOOz6o2yaE
Thoughts have no distinguishing terrain.
It is the emotions that give them relief (in a geography sense of the word).
If you can hear them there’s power to be gained from accepting this energy is yours.
This sets the scene. Following recordings will have options and solutions.
[Full written post at www.chris-walton.com/journal/beheard]
View on YouTube: http://youtu.be/iPBk2XMyXRA
'You started on this path a long time ago and those energies are in motion. You can't fail now!'
Close your eyes and listen to these positive affirmations..
You CAN do this!
View on YouTube
View blog post at chris-walton.com/journal/you-cant-fail-now-affirmations
[Hypnotic meditation begins at 1m50s]
Calling it the inner critic adds even more judgement.
Rather than fighting or trying to remove the inner critic, rename and repurpose that energy by seeing the Inner Critic as part of the inner guide or the Magician archetype.
Only listen when safe to relax deeply. Do not listen while driving or operating machinery.
(Episode webpage: www.chris-walton.com/journal/themagicianinnercritic)