POETIC PROCESS: Recent Episodes
POETIC PROCESS
The title that's spoken to later be processed. Poetry from the mind and body. More fru fru Lilly description to come soon.
What’s the definition of insanity
Doing the same thing over and over
and expecting a different result
That’s the quote or unfounded consults
Cause I beg to differ In a different context doing the same thing over and over is consistency and the dignity sums praises' like symphonies
Keep going hoping for that expected result and it’s no one’s fault when you get the tales
The short end of the stick
The hits and the licks make you not want to do this shit
But you keep going
Mowing til the sunburn
Create those clothes only to say their unworn
Keep fighting like your sworn
The day will come when it’s your turn
21 questions
Can I help you to your walker in your old age
Finish your sentences
when your thoughts are delayed
Will you help me with my socks
when I can’t see over my stomach
With a bun in the oven
get my bonnet
when I’ve lost it
and I’m not fully cognizant
I need clarity is your heart full of sincerity
Am I a trophy toy in your bigger picture is your height and the romANTICS the only reason why I’m fucking witchu
I don’t want this to be superficial
I want something mutually beneficial
in-opportunistic
A friendship
a We: a rose by any other name wouldn’t smell as sweet*
Wherefore art thou Blank and B
It’s Mac and cheese but will you
Forever hold the keys 🔑 🎹 💙
-BT.W
You been with your niggas
shooting in the gym
A little frost in the air
now you want to be more than friends calling my phone back to back
from hinge to unhinged
Got all these intentions planning thanksgiving
Want me in the kitchen with your mama
To scale fish and pluck chicken
cause I’m her favorite
Does that mean this week or just lately
I don’t have time for the fake smiles
sweet potato pie for the appetize
with your tribe-called questions
cause your cousin know Lawanda and your aunt know you fucking heather
oh she wasn’t invited how self-righteous
So I’m the fool posing with the fam for the gram cause
I’m the good girl you been needing
how demeaning
This scenario so apparent it’s gleaming
how bought you go choke on your
cuffing season
-BT.W @confettifilled
See you sent your representative
and I'm Not interested in him
Battle of the sexes your rhetoric offends
Rewinding and rewinding their plays like NFL film
competitions for commitment I condemn
When did it all get so clinical
black and white
when did we all get a mic
to fight about what’s right
can we silence the egos
enough hear one another
to build something
not mention who belongs in the kitchen
and just listen
not demanding submission
and rocks that glisten
And Just listen
what’s for you isn’t for me
And spoonfuls of salt isn’t meant to eat
I’m not indulging or picking a side
I’m just saying what’s for my eyes is my prize
No one’s convictions can make me pick one
I’m my own spokesperson
While y’all busy dividing the pot and setting alpha positions the other side is clapping for the revisions and constant indecision
drafts after drafts after drafts
and the power in the family unit is what’s missing
I’m no hotep but whose getting the last laugh while your on your thesis pontificating
Their dissertation completed and they graduated
amalgamation fortifying the formation should be the keynote
Not who to demote and to hex in the battle of the sex …… what’s next
1:13
This is a crazy time
and there’s no getting away
every time I fly infectious planes
I have to think about a new strain
every post I witness is political wickedness
this world is unhinged
Sunday Funday frolic and ABC friends
but I’m angry yet I smile and shuck
for these corona bucks institutions for testing watching copious money flow
from the
vaccine
I got it
but how intrusive of the world
to unleash a thing and call it a thing when the feen is the one making all the green
ain’t no stopping no sugar coating the rocks and shit
coral reefs and rainforest trees deplete
fires and floods in the street ……then famine
I prayed to not live through the last days
as I sat there on the third day
hot and over drank
I asked myself is this hell
mariachi and cheap tequila
celebrating as the world burns around me no thoughts of optimism
when I leave here and go back to the world it’ll be the same shit no vacation or spaceships can escape this plane shift goodness gracious…BT.W
6:58. All gold ain't good I don’t need a zaddy to take me out some hood
I get mad at my pussy like …… I know you could
& She look up at me like Bitch I wish you would
Listen when it comes to funds Pussy doesn't see it for these niggas
The old cats that used to be drug dealers that flipped the clip and hit the licks on investments before the prime got in early diversed’ it with Oracle & Amazon The audacity to ask me for 15 bands what's HIS?!!? ROI
Pussy won’t pop for a pay day & It pisses B off it’s not me being shady
cause I know the girls be running it up on the daily
But….My Pussy she be talking back
yes! I'm complaing
Honestly I can't bring her or myself to do it with the best of me but to the left of me is Bethany and Stephanie flying Emirates to Dubai then Greece All off their pussies
Ide be a fool to believe that the words that these girl scream in them steams being boats in capri only with the appealing cut from the cloth of diddy
Miss me
Niagara arhh
round my age bracket of 10’s
but round these grandpappies my pussy be Sahara’ing
Like you got grandkids 100 bodies easy Even how you approach me giving cheesy
Miss me
Half of these old heads just beg
“What your name sweetheart” Is all I hear in my head
Is my pussy broken cause she’s not supply with de’man I don’t understand I guess I’mma have to run my own bands not from but for Uncle Sam
DAMN
I wonder if they know I dont give af about the blue cheese on their salad or about their family's new rabbit The weather has been the same for weeks so why do we need to kiki about the lack of condensation when there's inflation and asset devaluation the nation is in bile, famine, and sporadic pandemics Doesn't it hurt to smile rather to pretend and to talk about the same thing every day Backstage clock out curtain call the play Ceases I wonder if deep they don't care either The energy it takes speaking has my spirit leaking I feel grim to say fuck them kids I don't care about the puddle in your driveway even though it didn't rain the games you play with the gang down out the brewery I prefer silence and quiet I do my work I go home and have my excitement and they’ll never know I might peel back the external and glow rather slow but careful to expose the more they know it's like touching a hot stove on my end, I would like to be friends but every time in the past I've tried my business like dirty water gets to murky it's safe to keep the clarity than to have Cooler Convos -BT.W
Youtube Links
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hiVQf9MPzg&feature=youtu.be
I THINK I'M BAD
The cycle is a strange thing when you’ve been through your brain re-enacts what’s been done to you you think by going through something you would realize the pain & hopefully, you’ll never have to go through it again but what about that good girl or guy that comes to you & gives you all the things that you're not used to what happens to them you’ve been through hell so why is it so hard to appreciate the good “He’s been good to me but i’ve been bad to him” DAMAGED to say the least I’ve heard terminology such as “baggage” before but how do you train your brain not to think the things about the new person IS HE CHEATING, WHO IS HE TEXTING, WHERE IS HE GOING EX EX. My judge mental accusations are the least of my worries however lets talk about my recent endeavors
I’ve come across something that I call temptation and I dug myself sooo deep in the situation that I don’t know how to get out
the same things I used to cry about the same things I used to complain about the same shit I used to dream about
I do to Mr. good, I cant explain it I cant help it its like a fatal attraction Mr. bad turns me on in ways I cant explain and its crazy cause Mr. good treats me like a Black queen he might not have all the things I want or meet all of my emotional expectations all the time but I can count on him to be faithful and to be my back bone but you…..you you Mr.Bad give me something that I’ve absolutely never had mr. good is my safe haven that I needed but …… Mr. bad is smooth sweet considerate ambitious tall brown skin and consistent as many times as I said NO the 2X he tried
I can not help but be enticed by the fire dance every word that leaves his mouth through those lips just feels right
I haven’t crossed that line physically but the words that he says to me the way he sings to me give me a feeling of guilty pleasure I want him to take me in every place imaginable
I can see it happening your soft lips on my skin my natural hair pulled straight by your tight yet warm embrace the cool guy smiles you’ll flash between kisses and deep hard thrust I cant help but see this in my dreams as drift in to a lustful sleep for the past few nights I’ve tossed and Iv’e turned because its your extrovert I yearn I don’t know if its because I’m not supposed to have you or what but you hypnotize me your insight into my deepest desires worries me i want you to fuck my brain then I want you to fuck me too what ever you want I’ll do writing this makes me realize how much shit I’m in
The poem Starts at 6:34
Daddy Issues
To know you is to love you
Or at least that’s the phrase
Praises aloud for this day
for the daddy’s that
Didn’t leave their children to the rain
Conversations accusations about him
the fatherless son that doesn’t tie his tie straight
sits outside on the porch all-day
and doesn’t give his baby mama a break
Her house is his crib now
His nursing turns to mooching
he doesn’t understand what he’s doing
her backs breaks the kids are watching
the cards fall from the spades table
on every holiday
that's when he’s around
for the celebrations and photographs
but the systemic systems will have the last laugh
That’s what they wanted
Broken households
minds begin to fold like maturing proteins
Mothers cling to their sons and push away their daughters and the system repeats
the son leaves that nest to fall to that daughter that never got nurturing from her father
so whatever will do
you do me I do you
We’ve seen it a million times
So when does it stop
my thoughts on this situation is that this ideology wasn’t true
It's Egpigenetic gerational transcendic" verbal seed planting
saying that I didn’t see what was happing is a fallacy
Keisha don’t have a daddy
Meghan don’t have a daddy
so why should I be any different?
Questions
My anger more so comes in thinking how hateful some people have been
and how they didn’t realize how there tongue could offend me in my 10s
You care how your actions could've molded me and you didn't give a shit
you were more concerned about the benefit or inconvenience
no one wants to deal with single mother of now two
But to speak in front of children this way some of you should be more careful
some of you should be ashamed
your daddy probably wasn't shit
so you wish you were fucking your son hating on a mother with a daughter of one
I could've been a baby mom
a shooter or just in the streets
but I'm degreed and nft’d
and people are confused
Why because I didn’t decide to
fester in your rejection
these aren't daddy issues
these are daddy lessons
In times like these we love to say it's a learned behavior in children with racism, and hatred
Not to equate it but let's conflate it
You mean to tell me that
keisha didn't have a daddy
Meghan didn't have a daddy
her momma
nor her momma either
And we're all roaming broken in the ether
Let me explain something
Let me make it simple
yes in a perfect world I would want ever black household to have a mother father three children and a dog but ….
I know everything works against that
and as a community, we know that
trying to patch a wound we clammer to stop the bleeding overexplaining these reasons for absence
they televising pain like it's ad sense
Anecdotally
I used to talked to a dude that didn't want kids because of what his father never did, didn't want to be a husband because he was fathering his kin bought his momma a house and paid his sisters tuitions*
What's more father than that
past the monetary
watching cousins preparing weekly lunches
I think the fatherless children get a bad rap most responsible we handles that
all of this is just a projection from family members and extend making it seem like we're broken is sad and personally
I'll never hold that bag
I'm me I'm not your pain your agony a statistic an overly independent fatherless black women
my thoughts are all over the place because I've thought about this for decades
how can one miss what never existed
I can't cry with the fear that It’ll aggravate my symptoms
Chest tight blurry vision
My body is weak
I don’t want to speak to quickly as ill become breathless
Can’t think to eat
trying to stay up with fear of drifting during my sleep
No one to talk to I’m probably fine
it’s all in my mind
I know ill be a patient soon Im aware
I stare at the wall foreseeing what's near
oxygen, Ambient, and fluoxetine will soon be part of my daily needs
How do I know, because I do
If you knew me you would know too
I write to you
the other me to get through because the emergency room isn’t an option
I’ve been to the urgent care twice
All I can do is pray to make it through the night
despite feeling breathless
how reckless can I be
How sickly did I not know I was
I look above and I might find peace
as tears fall from my eyes
Have I been chosen
I’m tired god
I’’m awaken
Im sorry god for I have forsaken you
Ive always taken care of me through the grace of you
Ive always taken care of me because no one else did
nor is it their responsibility
but I can't do this anymore
I’ve been brought to my knees
Ive suppressed my feelings Ive put on smiles
I’ve pressed through anxiety?
Or that's what they told me
But never have I ever experienced such a thing
This December 2019
I felt like a dark spirit had moved into my body and posted
As I walked freely I felt like something was squeezing my diaphragm
I consistently had body aches mutt-led taste and a low desire for eating
I lost 20 pounds on the couch that winter
I didn’t recognize myself
to have lost control in this way
I didn’t know what to say
to not have an answer confused me
I’m used to controlling everything
but when your body turns there is no barring
back to work I pushed though plane to plane
swollen cavs, and toes, rashes along my thoracic cavity
hot tea hot tea everyday I drank
sleeping sitting up to help my airway
it wasn’t easy those beginning weeks
then boom quarantine
theres this new thing covid-19
I’ve heard of it but I didn’t know the extent of the symptoms
no one did
apparently my doctors neither
I had been taking Xanax, albuterol, and hydroxyzine.
For what they deemed late-onset asthma and panic attacks because of it.
I don’t blame them
I don’t feel resentment
I believe hydroxyzine saved my life
antihistamine properties helps the fight peer reviews pub med posted this twice
flight to flight LA to Baltimore Denver to Lubbock to Houston to Austin Iowa to Kansas to Kansas back to fucking Kansas !
it was inevitable I get it again poison through my veins
same thing heavy in the chest I can’t breath
plane to plane with recycled air
face mask down face mask up face mask down face mask up
somebodies eating nuts nobody gives a fuck
but I’m the hero with checks with a whole lotta zeros
hospital to hospital lab to lab
testing equipment making big fucking bags
but I’m not breathing eating from someone else hands
sleeping in bougie moderately sanitized hotel rooms
cheesing barely sleeping
not wanting to breathe in gasps after gasps
contaminating my lungs but its big big fun
flewed out only home on Saturdays if you wanna to see me mother fucka betta catch a plane
3 years down the fucking drain
patriarchy on my neck
I just want a breath
I fucking fucking quit
I mean a girl can dream was a poem written in 2014 that speaks to transitions and the confusion that correlates. 2020 has been a year of twist and turns for all of us and this poem revisits the idea of dreaming of better and how only you as an individual can make it happen. IG. ConfettiFilled
In retrospect the story I based this on is kind of weak so I may re-visit this topic. I'm not to sure what I'm doing with this segment but this was on my mind so we'll see where it goes. The importance of pushing to a goal and continuously moving forward is what keeps us all going. I can get stifled by simple sh*t sometimes and leave/check out of life or people whenever I find myself annoyed or simply over-it. I just realize now that getting disgruntled by what the universe throws at you is never the solution. Plan it and work it Words: #Manifest . #PLAN IT AND #WORK IT or #Forward as Beyonce would say (insert emoji)