The Meg-John & Justin Podcast: Recent Episodes
Culture Sex Relationships
Podcasts about culture, sex, and relationships. From Justin Hancock. Home of the 'Meg-John & Justin' archive.
In this one I received an email about how communicating about sex is perhaps making someone anxious. I talked about how conversations to do with how we do things (consent conversations) have to take into account that there are scripts that we need to navigate and perhaps smooth out, but also that there are ways in which we can articulate verbally what is is we need and want but also that we need an on going ethic of pleasure and care focused ethic where we are trying to increase our collective capacity to act.So this is an old fan favourite of the three handshakes combined with the three lines: it's the call back to end all call backs folks. Here's the handshake video https://megjohnandjustin.com/sex/handshakes-and-consent/ I've also doing a video version of this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X151A36QSng Justin
Whipple, B. (2011). Non-genital orgasms. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 26(4), 356–372. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2011.649252May, T., 2003. When is a Deleuzian becoming? Continental Philosophy Review 36, 139–153. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1026036516963
'What are your best hopes from this conversation?' That's how we start Solution Focused Conversations (SFBT). Recently a client said that they wanted to decentre love, from just romantic love for a possible romantic partner. Instead they wanted to create the capacity to feel able to love this intensely across all of their assemblages: a rhizomatic love.This case study maps their preferred future, if you were able to feel intense love across all of your assemblages, what will you start to notice? How will you know? How will people respond? Your kid, your co-parent, your mum, your friend? How will you respond to that? What will you be pleased to notice? What differences will it start to make? What difference will that make? What else?Then (from a second session) we go backwards and I asked them to remember moments recently when they were pleased to notice the very first signs of this rhizomatic love happening. At a tube station, going to a friend's house, a spring in their step, smiles, hugs lasting longer. How feeling this rhizomatic love has created an extra capacity for more love, more care, more warmth, and increased capacity to act. It's a bit of a special one this as it's the first time I've given this much detail about a client conversation, as you would expect, the client has given me their permission to do this. I think it really gets to the heart of what is at stake of the CSR project, and how this molecular, rhizomatic love reveals a very important micropolitics. However we organise our intimate lives (monogamy, relationship anarchy, etc) there is a lot to learn from this wonderful client and it feels a real privilege to be able to share. If you would like a Solution Focused Conversation, find out more here https://justinhancock.co.uk/#coaching You can ask a question for the show here https://forms.gle/vX9hW1zXVPpTLFkZ9
Hi Justin, could you talk about quarter life crises? Either personal experience or just generally and how they relate to the 'self'. I want to shake up my life but I am scared to quit my job (which is niche and hard to get and that I should apparently be 'grateful' for). Tried to search the feed and couldn't see that you have covered this before but I may be wrong!Quarter life crises (or any life crises), quitting jobs, fear of the unknown/change, sunk cost fallacy, not knowing what you want to do, not letting other people's opinions dictate our life choices, etc etcIn this episode I talk about how ‘thingy’ the quarter life crisis is (answer, quite thingy) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis I talk about my own experience of thisI then talk about Egg from This LifeI talk about the Three Lines of Deleuze and GuattariI also talk about the idea of Becoming-Child vs being Infantile (here’s that great paper https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00131857.2022.2128759 )And I give advice about, whether you are locked in or locked out, how you can find some molecular resources for becomings, and to make use of the falling in love line of flight and how this is the source of the agency, the agencying, the agencement, the becomings-other. What if you can be both free and gently held, whether you stay in your job or quit?You’ve Got To Have Freedom https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYKHCvmu1z4
Okay we're doing this. Egg gets too close to a case, or is it that he is desiring his own servitude as if it were his salvation?Content note for this episode about eating disorders. There's one scene (incredibly well played) where Delilah eats a lot incredibly quickly at around 20 minutes in. Beat have been offering support around eating disorders for years now https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/The episode is here at iplayer https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b007801x/this-life-series-1-3-living-dangerouslyFor all episodes of this watchalong series please consider joining the very cheap Patreon. Just £1 a month gets you all episodes and also lots of exclusive stuff
Look, no-one has asked me to do this but I want to have fun and you might like it, so let's see what happens. This Life, the very popular TV show about young lawyers living in London in the mid to late 90s is back on BBC iplayer as it's celebrating its 30th anniversary. It's also one of my favourite shows. So listen to me occasionally reflect on some Culture Sex Relationships themes (neoliberalism, sex, identity, Deleuze and Guattari) while we watchalong together.For this one hit play on your podcast player at the same time as you hit play on the episode (sometimes iplayer serves trailers, so you might need to skip those). We start at 00:00. Hopefully we can enjoy it together and I'd love to hear your thoughts on some of the themes that come up for you. Please send them in and I'll throw some of your reflections in as we watch together.Episode 2 is already up at the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/c/culturesexrelationships/posts?filters%5Btag%5D=This+LifeOkay, let's hit play together. Meow meow meowwwww, meow, meow, meowJustinHere is the link at iplayer https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/b00pft4t/this-lifehttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_Life_(1996_TV_series)If you have a question for the show please email me culturesexrelationships at gmail dot comjustinhancock.co.uk/coaching if you want a session of solution focused conversation with mehttps://linktr.ee/culturesexrel to find the google form to get in touch without emailpatreon.com/culturesexrelationships where you can sign up to support the show, get extra content, like episode 2 of 'Watch 'This Life' With Me?', a new zine I'm working on, and also buy the zines Meg-John and I didJustin
login=false and this one is a review of the BioPyschoSocial science in understanding kink which is very helpful https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X22001944 Hope you enjoy this!Email me culturesexrelationships at gmail dot comjustinhancock.co.uk/coaching if you want a sessionhttps://linktr.ee/culturesexrel to find the google formpatreon.com/culturesexrelationships where you can sign up to support the show and also buy the zines I mentioned.
Dear Justin, should I do a PhD in sexology? And what does it mean about my life that I even ask this question? And what small baby-steps can I take to find the path forward without jumping head-first into doing it full-time?In this answer I talked about the different kinds of sexological approaches that exist: which I describe as being Royal Science or minor science (Kinsey and Masters and Johnson for example). Then I talk about different approaches one could take to doing sexology. Also I talk about how doing a PhD is a really focussed piece of work which might actually prevent you from doing the reading you enjoy. Lastly I give some ideas of being nerdy about sex that might be still be sexy and enjoyable without it having to lead to an outcome like a PhD.Email me culturesexrelationships at gmail dot comjustinhancock.co.uk/coaching if you want a sessionlinktr.ee/culturesexrel to find the google formpatreon.com/culturesexrelationships where you can sign up to support the show and also buy the zines I mentioned.
It’s another ‘Cultural Artefact’ episode and in this one I’m ranting about Love Actually. It’s on ITV X this Christmas (annoyingly with ads) so this makes the Watchalong episode I did last year more relevant, which you can find here at the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/posts/118365605 For this I am doing a reading from the article at BISH I did about it, a Sex and Relationships Education Guide to Love Actually https://www.bishuk.com/your-call/a-sex-and-relationships-education-guide-to-love-actually/ which is actually really good. I use this as a jumping off point for my reading of the film and having a discussion about the ontology of love in Richard Curtis’s world compared with mine. I also yell and make snide and funny remarks about this bloody awful film. Enjoy! Here's that blog about Consensual Christmas https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/consensual-festivities/
Hi everyoneI got a request to talk about 'limerance' from a listener who was also kind enough to share their experiences of attraction and connection. Whilst I'm not a fan of 'Limerance' I am a fan of feeling strong connections and 'love' in our lives: what if we could experience this intensity for all of relationships, our selves, our assemblages? What else would that do? How might we do it? Hope you find it helpful!Email me culturesexrelationships at gmail dot comjustinhancock.co.uk/coaching if you want a sessionhttps://linktr.ee/culturesexrel to find the google formpatreon.com/culturesexrelationships where you can sign up to support the show and also buy the zines I mentioned.Justin
[uploading again with a different name for the track]In this episode Dr Eleanor Janega joins me to talk about Lily Allen’s West End Girl. We talk about the themes, and resulting discourses, emerging from this cultural artefact. Is it an album about an open relationship gone wrong, or is it something else instead? What is everyone getting wrong in their discussions about the album? Does it in fact bang? Here is the househttps://www.architecturaldigest.com/video/watch/open-door-inside-david-harbour-and-lily-allens-brooklyn-town-houseHere is the flat (Pussy Palace)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dS3njIz_QzsHere is a red carpet interview Eleanor wants you to seehttps://www.news.com.au/entertainment/awkward-footage-of-lily-allen-and-david-harbour-resurfaces/video/8b9f51e95b7ffa679d226ba960409a91Listen to our Listenalong at the Patreon feed for the podcastpatreon.com/culturesexrelationships where you can sign up to support the show (and buy the zine I mentioned)Email me with your questions at culturesexrelationships at gmail dot comjustinhancock.co.uk/coaching if you want a sessionhttps://linktr.ee/culturesexrel to find the google form
This week’s Ask Justin is about how to find hope, confidence and possibility in the future after a break up. Lots of advice here about break ups and moving forward reflecting on my own experiences, how we make use of feelings, critiquing the should stories, and of course the practical and experimental philosophies of Delueze and Guattari - this week ‘How do you make yourself a Body Without Organs?’ Here’s a recent podcast from the Machinic Unconscious Happy Hour about the BwO https://soundcloud.com/podcast-co-coopercherry/deleuze-and-guattari-how-do-you-make-yourself-a-body-without-organsHere's an online copy of A Thousand Plateaus by Deleuze and Guattari https://files.libcom.org/files/A%20Thousand%20Plateaus.pdf (BwO starts on p149)This is Abolish The Family by Sophie Lewis https://www.versobooks.com/en-gb/products/2890-abolish-the-family?srsltid=AfmBOoqfP9U54Prh3ZqOwjJULgbnHG0ykElanIQQsqROQPWagCtNVHQtHere’s that ACFM about Alexandra Kollontai https://novaramedia.com/2025/04/27/acfm-microdose-alexandra-kollontai-make-way-for-winged-eros/And here’s the podcast from me about Wittgenstein and Solution Focused Practicehttps://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/wittgenstein-solutions-not-problemsEmail me culturesexrelationships at gmail dot comjustinhancock.co.uk/coaching if you want a sessionhttps://linktr.ee/culturesexrel to find the google formpatreon.com/culturesexrelationships where you can sign up to support the show and also buy the zines I mentioned.
An Ask Justin episode (yay) where I answer a question about how to open oneself up to getting back to a sub / bottom dynamic after a break from a big sexual trauma. Here's that interview with Cory I did about Curative Kink https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/cory-cascalheira-curative-kink If you have a question for the show ...justinhancock.co.uk/coaching if you want a sessionhttps://linktr.ee/culturesexrel to find the google formpatreon.com/culturesexrelationships where you can sign up to support the show and also buy the zines I mentioned.
A). How does the politics of the advisor affect the advice? What is the reader / advisor relationship? Then I offer my own extra advice. Are there other little microfascisms going on? How to talk about issues. How dis/inhibition is a problem and evokes Irving Yalom’s ooze. What does thinking about affects, rather than causes and effects, do? It’s a long one I’m afraid!Email me culturesexrelationships at gmail dot comjustinhancock.co.uk/coaching if you want a sessionhttps://linktr.ee/culturesexrel to find the google formpatreon.com/culturesexrelationships where you can sign up to support the show and also buy the zines I mentioned.Article of mine on how to make sex and relationships chats easier https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/how-to-make-sex-and-relationships-chats-easier/This is a pretty nice article featuring that ‘ooze’ I was telling you abouthttps://www.newstatesman.com/ideas/2025/04/irvin-yalom-confessionsHere’s more about that particular book, thank you Kayleigh for lending me your copy. I never gave it back to you but I put it to good use.https://www.yalom.com/momma-the-meaning-of-lifeHere’s that article I referred to from Petra Boyntonhttps://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(15)00009-7/abstractPetra’s website No Star To Guide Me is a great starting point if you want to learn to give good advicehttps://nostartoguideme.com/Here’s that podcast I did with Jacob Johannsenhttps://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/jacob-johannsen-fantasy-online-misogyny-and-the-manosphere
Second opinion 3: Esther Calling: Will This Heartbreak Ever End?At a listener’s request this episode of Second Opinion features Esther Perel’s Where Should We Begin podcast, in particular one of her ‘Esther Calling’ episodes, where she speaks with someone about their problem. In this case we can say that is exactly what she’s doing, although there are glimmers of good stuff, it’s mostly not good I don’t think. Anyway, endure / enjoy my long and rambly Second Opinion about Esther Calling: Will This Heartbreak Ever End. Email me culturesexrelationships at gmail dot comjustinhancock.co.uk/coaching if you want a sessionhttps://linktr.ee/culturesexrel to find the google formpatreon.com/culturesexrelationships where you can sign up to support the show and also buy the zines I mentioned.
I started off doing a reading from my latest article at BISH about the difference between a kink and a fetish. You can read that here https://www.bishuk.com/your-questions/whats-the-difference-between-a-kink-and-a-fetish/Then I went off on one talking about how an ethical fetishist (which many of us probably are) is probably doing something more consensual than most of the other kinds of fetishisations we may take part in in our daily lives. Commodities, labels, and ourselves. All of which might amount to us being little capitalists, micro-fascisms.Jeremy Gilbert wrote a piece about his book here https://www.opendemocracy.net/en/opendemocracyuk/common-ground/Here's that paper on infantilisation and becoming-child https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00131857.2022.2128759#d1e417Here's my stream with Sinanhttps://www.twitch.tv/videos/2554705347
"In summary, I am scared that I might have half-cheated on my girlfriend. Maybe not on paper, but in the grey zones. And then, that I didn’t respect her limits with my oversharing, because either I was too much trying to be transparent or just processing, easing my insecurity or guilt. I would very much appreciate your insights in how to disentangle that mess."In this episode I talk about relationships shouldn't just be about drawing hard lines. If we draw hard lines we run the risk of 'lining ourselves in' a corner, or a little box. Dividing our selves from our selves and relationships. Making us firmly held, and very unfree. How can our relationships become-other, to make a relationship a becoming? We need soft lines and lines of flight. When we have this, we will see our relationships as flourishing to an extent where we don't yet know what a relationship is capable of.Hope you like the ASMR direction at the end.https://justinhancock.co.uk/#coachingGot a question? Email me culturesexrelationships at gmail dot com or go here https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel
This is an advice episode for someone who is feeling a little fresh and inexperienced in a relationship with someone who has relationship baggage. How can she feel a bit more secure? How can a different way of relating to relationships and even 'the self' help all of us to create the size and shape of relationship that can do what we need it to do?You can book a one to one session with me and also ask questions for the show via the link below.https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel
’m back with another Second Opinion. I’m doing another one of the Sexual Healing columns from the Guardian. Mostly because it’s so short but also it’s not pay-walled. I’m not going to reproduce the whole thing here, so you might want to click on the link to read the whole thing (it’s 340 words in total, for the question and answer)https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jul/08/my-boyfriend-is-almost-perfect-but-hes-too-vanilla-in-bedBut the tl;dr is that the question is from a woman feeling bad that she’s dissatisfied that the sex she’s having with her lovely boyfriend is mundane. In the past she’s had sexy, experimental sex with men who weren’t as nice. The answer is that it’s understandable that she’s found herself in this relationship but is ‘endowing her boyfriend with fatherly attributes’ which makes it much less hot. So she should work on her unconscious to make the relationship work and try to use the relationship to find ways of attaching like an adult. For the full version of this head to https://www.patreon.com/culturesexrelationships Where you can also find the Make Your Own Sex Manual and Make Your Own Relationships User Guide resources I mentioned in the reading https://www.patreon.com/culturesexrelationships/shop
From Series 3 Episode 1 of Sex and the City"Later that day I got to thinking about fairytales.What if Prince Charming had never showed up?Would Snow White have slept in that glass coffin forever?or would she have eventually woken up, spit out the apple, gotten a job, a healthcare package and a baby from her local neighbourhoud sperm bank?I couldn't help but wonder. Inside every confident driven, single woman is there a delicate, fragile princess just waiting to be saved?Was Charlotte right? Do women just wanna be rescued?"In this episode of I Couldn’t Help But Wonder I discussed the idea of our insides (unconscious) and outsides (conscious) and whether our fairy stories entirely exist within us (as a Jungian archetype) or throughout us in a more Guattarian ‘machinic unconscious’ (within/without in an assemblage). Instead of asking what kind of archetype we are, we could ask ‘what would that do, and what else?’ In this way can we use these stories as part of our becomings? Might our Prince Charming and delicate fragile princess be with us in molecularised forms every day. How in our processes of our own becomings we have to learn to be our own primary caregiver in order to become….
I couldn’t help but wonder While women are certainlyno strangers to faking it......we faked our hair color, cup-size.Hell, we've even faked fur.I couldn't help but wonder,has fear of being alone......suddenly raised the bar on faking?Are we faking more than orgasms?Are we faking entire relationships?Is it better to fake it than be alone?Faking it implies that you know what ‘it’ is. The way that we talk about faking something is that it’s bad. An inauthenticity. That we are not being our true selves.Miranda’s orgasms in the episode is a good example to draw onFaking it till you make it. Maybe faking can be a potential line of flight? A becoming?
In this blog I try to use Deleuze & Guattari's ideas to help us to understand the current awful transphobia. Hopefully you'll find it useful (and easy enough to understand) with some hopeful / helpful ideas. Free at my CSR Patreonhttps://www.patreon.com/posts/molar-and-gender-127351062?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link
This one is a (very) extended reading of my advice article How Can We Have a Better Relationship With Our Phones over at BISH. https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/how-can-we-have-a-better-relationship-with-our-phones/Here's the podcast I was on discussing Adolescence https://praxiscast.podbean.com/e/e333-dudes-dont-rock-ft-justin-hancock/ Let me know if you have any questions or if I've missed any links. Justin
Ask Justin: Why are they unavailable to me and then magically available with others by Justin Hancock
Here's a shorter version of a longer chat (by myself, but with you) about dating apps. Why people might be fed up of them some of the micropolitics at play and how we might actually make use of them. Here's a really interesting podcast from the Centre for Sex, Love and Relationships https://ahc.leeds.ac.uk/homepage/420/centre-for-love-sex-and-relationships and here's a piece I contributed some ideas for at the FT https://www.ft.com/content/17fb28ae-1e0c-4a32-8c26-59e15c821a48
I was delighted to be joined by friend of the show, esteemed historian, and GF Dr Eleanor Janega to do another Sex Jams episode. We decided to do two Chappell Roan songs to do a compare and contrast, one a song about sex but not a sex jam, the other a relationship song that is a sex jam (in our humble opinion). Anyway, here are the songs Red Wine Supernova https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VS6ixn2berk Casual https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfSjnsYiY_AAnd I hope you enjoy our conversation! Here is Eleanor's website where you can find all of her excellent work https://eleanorjanega.com/ You can also go back through the feed to find a conversation we had about her book, The Once and Future Sex. Justin
It was about how to go about dating when in a committed relationship anarchy (RA) / non-hierarchical / abundant relating arrangement and when you are planning on having a kid with someone from that arrangement. I asked the listener to listen to the recording before I published it to make sure that it was vague enough and they okayed it and said it was helpful :-)If you have a question let me know! culturesexrelationships at gmail dot com or via link.tree/culturesexrel
Okay so, I like to maintain close friendships with my exes who are important to me, but I’m struggling with knowing and enforcing my boundaries in those relationships. It’s got to the point where I’ve introduced a new partner to an ex at an event or party and unsurprisingly they’ve got on very well - so well that on a few occasions there’s been some flirting and once or twice some deeper romantic feelings from one of them (though nothing has ever been acted upon as far as I’m aware). It seems that in an effort for everyone to feel okay, an ex and a new partner latch on to each other, but it can leave me feeling quite stressed and pushed out. Also I tend to date people that are quite extraverted and I’m more introverted/socially anxious, so their instinct when this happens is to (friendlily) assert their social position, and my instinct is to withdraw. I’m happy that my ex and new partner get along and are making an effort to make each other and themselves comfortable, but I seem to end up feeling very uncomfortable.At the same time, if my ex is important in my life, but I have a new partner or a close friend that I enjoy being friends with independently, it feels unfair and logistically difficult for me to either keep them apart or dictate the closeness of their friendship. And if I try to not invite my ex to a social event, when we’re part of a similar social world, they then understandably end up feeling hurt, and left out or pushed away.I don’t want to cut off my exes, but as I get older I seem to be developing a bigger and bigger web of complicated dynamics that is making me increasingly stressed out in social situations. It’s making me want to cut ties with everyone and leave this city!P.s. I’m queer if you hadn’t already guessed.It’s okay to set some boundaries, or to say how you’re feeling, or to ask for people to have a bit of extra careLet’s think about the ‘thisness’ of the terms ‘extroverted / introverted / socially anxious’You seem to be disavowing your own power to act here power over and power to.It’s a complex entanglement where the affective power is moving throughoutThis entanglement isn’t over there, you’re in it. It is you. Instead of ‘stressed out in social situations. It’s making me want to cut ties with everyone and leave this city!’ what would you like to be instead? Imagine your best hopes came true, what will you notice?
In this first episode of ‘Second Opinion’ I give my alternative advice to someone asking for advice from another advice columnist. Here is the original advice. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/mar/12/my-wife-refuses-to-end-affair-she-enjoys-the-sex-what-should-i-doI chat about the background to newspaper advice columns, and why this one might be so short and what’s happened to advice giving generally in mainstream media. Here’s the paper I mentioned by Petra https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(15)00009-7/abstract and here’s her website https://nostartoguideme.com/ This one being so short means that it may not be long enough to be useful (I’m certain that the advice giver would give excellent advice if she were given longer). It being so short also means that it relies on repeating a common sense discourse, or a should story, of how we should be navigating sex and relationships. Then I give my advice. There are different kinds of relationship models from strict monogamy all the way to a less hierarchical way of relating that doesn’t just focus on the sexual and/or romantic kind.You could break upWhy is she telling you?If it’s just about hurting you and treating you without any consent at all, it’s important for you to recognise thatWhat boundaries can you put in How much do you want to knowWhat can she do for you to make it easier?What other freedoms might you have? She’s had the freedom to, in what ways might you get that?Put everything on the tableUse a resource, like my relationship user guide zinePerhaps doing this will reveal some cracks that might be useful, perhaps there’s something there for you to exploreAlso a line of flight.Let’s say that you decide to stay together and have this perfect relationship even though you aren’t having the sex which you (presumably) would still like to have. How would you know? What difference would it make? If you were able to take this otherwise perfect relationship, how would you, as a team, assemblage, manage this with consent, safety and maximum pleasure?
Hey! My question is about transitioning and sex.First some background information: My partner is non-binary and I'm genderqueer. Both are assigned female at birth. My partner's "gender journey" has been difficult, but I think they are finally coming into their own (they have been having trans affirming medical care). We have been together for six years. For the first two years we used to have regular sex, and my partner would usually take initiative. After figuring out their gender, the recurrence of sex has become less and less, and now we go months without having sex or more intimacy than light kisses and some cuddling.Their difficulties have a lot to do with ___________I'm at my wit's end, getting more and more desperate to have intimacy with my partner. Even talking about it makes them stressed, ashamed and sad. So I feel like there is nothing I can do - I can't initiate (they feel pressured) or try to talk about it with them. We have gone to couple's therapy before, which has helped us in understanding each other more and better communicate, but when it comes to sex we are stuck. Some part of me hopes that getting _________ will help, but of course, there is no certainty in that.A year ago I almost broke up with my partner (some other things were going on, but most of it stems from lack of intimacy), and although we recommitted, I think my partner still feels very insecure about it.I feel hopeless, rejected, unattractive (although my partner tries to reassure me it's not me) and - to be honest - sexually frustrated.I really don't know what to do! My partner expresses that they would like to have sex in theory, but rarely feel like it. The few times we have sex it is good (as far as I can tell for both parts).How can I navigate this? What can I do to help my partner?Sorry for a very long question, I hope you will try to answer it :)Firstly I say I'm sorry that this sounds really difficult. I talked about my own experience of being in a long relationship with little sex and that we broke up (and I'm now very happy). I said that I would return to this at the end as an option, but didn't. So just to say here, you could in fact break up.Might help to get away from trying to find cause and effect, or problem and solution. Gets us away from particular aspects of the gender transition having a particular affectEverything is matter and it's all related to each other, which means that things can have self causing causes. What does that idea do?Sex can be a place where gender becomesPuberty (here's my puberty resource at BISH https://www.bishuk.com/bodies/puberty/ )Instead of making your bodies do what they were doing before together, what else can they do? The body without organs? We don't know what the body is capable ofDifferent kinds of sex / intimacy. Here's that episode about gender affirming therapy https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/gender-affirming-therapy Different kinds of relationshipsThe exception! When you do have sex what is good? How do you know?Best hopes conversation
"Background: I am a queer nonbinary person, in a relationship with another queer nonbinary person. In this case it's relevant to note that we both are people with vulvas. I’ve had lots of sexual experience with men with penises before this relationship but I haven’t for the last few years. I now find myself dreaming about it, especially when I’m ovulating. I also experience discomfort at not being able to have both a penis and a vagina. In a dream world I'd be able to have one, both, neither. My question: is it 'ethical' / 'ok' to look for a friendship with a penis-haver where I can explore touching/holding a penis, perhaps experiment with some penetration (of me)? I loved this part of my teenage relationships. Or is this fetishisation? Could it come under the category of kink? Aren't people often into the genitals of other people? I feel like this kind of friendship it would need to be someone I can have a lot of trust with, therefore likely to be a queer person. I feel like I can't put this in a Feeld bio or anything, as it will upset people, very understandably. But don't know how to go about it, or if I could as it will upset people, very understandably. But don't know how to go about it, or if I could."
I dated someone who was about to become a spiritual leader / teacher a decade ago and completely left the religion. I can’t help but think their first love was God. He never been in a relationship and had said ‘I don’t know how to love one person let alone more right now’ when speaking of polyamory. He has a lot of shame and had a alot of sex outside intimacy. But with me, He was present, made so much effort when I fitted around his schedule. I started saying I miss him and expressed I liked him because I wasn’t clear where this was going. after three months he ended the relationship - infuriating as his excuse was ‘I’m just not feeling what I’m supposed to be feeling at three months’ (Rich for someone who dismissesAnd avoids talking of feelings) . I know I have rejection issues and I know where they come from. With that comes the danger to always hope and recognise potential. I have so much empathy for this person .It’s not a question, so this isn’t an answer. Perhaps I can give you a mapping of what appears to be going on, what unappears to be going on, and a line of flight which might help you in your becoming …. “Never been in a relationship” “I don’t know how to love one person”It seems from the get go that this was someone who was communicating that they either couldn’t give you a kind of relationship you wanted, or would find it very difficult. How do we do relationships with people who don’t know how to do them?“With you he was present, made so much effort when you fitted around his schedule.” What were you pleased to notice about yourself in those days? Write them down?“I miss him and expressed I liked him because it wasn’t clear where this was going” What if we say we like someone without it where being unclear about something is going is actually really good? Territorialisation - deterritorialisation - reterritorialisation. Little islands. Rhizomes that couldn’t map onto each other. A non-relation rather than an emergence.“Rejection issues and I know where they come from.”I’m not sure I know what rejection issues are. An acute sense of pain from rejection, or a more chronic pain of rejection. Is it a fear of rejection or some kind of welcoming of them?Are the rejection issues ‘the thing about you’ or do they do something? How do you know? Let’s frame this as a best hope: what difference would it make if you didn’t have rejection issues? What would you have or be or become instead?Knowings: first love was god. A lot of shame. Dismisses and avoids talk of feelings.With that comes the danger to always hope and recognise potentialOr with that comes the possibilities of hope and recognising potential? What if the rejection issues gave you a certain power to act that, if you could act on it in a particular way, could be really helpful for you?I have so much empathy for this personWhat does that do? What if your empathy was another superpower which could be turned on the whole of the external world around you? What if that included you?A more than human perspectiveRefrains - how you might deterritorialise them. Changing tunes, rhythms, words. Best hopes not deficits. Abundance not scarcity. Possibilities not lack.
Hi Justin,Thanks for making such and thoughtful and insightful podcast. I just saw your message, and I have a Q that you may be able to use. Which is - why, now that I’m in a healthy and supportive relationship (for a couple of years now) do I still feel hurt, angry, confused etc. about an ex that I dated for only a few months, over three years ago? Someone who wasn’t very supportive and ended up letting me down during a difficult period in my life.I thought I’d moved past these feelings, and feel very content and loved in my relationship now. But every now and then I hear a bit of news about this ex, who moves in vaguely the same circles, and old painful feelings seem to come back up and are difficult to shake off. I don’t want to get back with this person at all, but I do fantasise about them reaching out to apologise to me, and what I would say back. I also imagine how their life has fallen apart without me (!) and any news that contradicts that narrative really bothers me. I have a good therapist who I’ve talked to a lot about this, but the thoughts and feelings are still there. Why is it taking so long to move past this?Thanks Justin! I’m sorry to hear this, it does sound like tough stuff. Feeling hurt, angry, confused are tough emotions and I’m sure a lot of us in the CSR assemblage will have some identification with your situation - I know I do. There's more of a fulsome written summary of the response here at the Patreon version https://www.patreon.com/posts/104580350https://justinhancock.co.uk/#coaching
"Hey good afternoon!I have a question that could be easily summarized as 'How to deal with "fomo" in non-monogamous/poly/RA relationships?'. (Fomo: fear of missing out.)And to give a bit more information:When I was in a polyamorous relationship for over a year I noticed I sometimes struggled with complicated feelings around missing out on (important) events/activities my then partner would attend with their other partner/s. They seemed to also have a hard time dealing with their partners feeling of 'fomo' and dividing activities. It made me think of how to handle things myself in the future if I would have multiple partners. I think there's a part that has to do with unpacking (het)normative scripts around dating but I haven't managed to detangle everything myself and would love to hear your take on it.I don't think it matters but I'm a queer non-binary person :)Whatever happens to this question, thanks for taking the time to read it."Fear of missing out, let’s explore that What is fear and what are we fearing? Are we fearing an emotion, such as sad (or even joy)?What would it mean to feel a sadness of missing out? What would that do? Sadness, loss, a reduced capacity to act. How can we organise our relationships so that it’s abundant? If we’re doing abundant relating, we’re doing win win relating. There is no missing out. ‘Making polyamory work for you’Abundant relating examples and how they might be rhizomaticPerhaps we also should question the binary around ‘doing the thing’ = good, not doing the thing = bad. What is the thing we’re missing out on? We could all do with watching some more snooker I think. Do we have to experience everything our partner feels? Like Yoko and John?Duchamp’s door might be a way for us to find a way to joy?What’s the very first sign of a SOMO leading towards a place of JOMO. Or just, joy?https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/staying-with-feelings-in-relationships/https://loveuncommon.com/2019/09/20/taking-your-emotional-temperature/
My problem is around polyamory and non-hierarchy. Specifically, how to deal with loving or caring about some partners more, or feeling more strongly for them, while maintaining a non-hierarchical relationship style. I currently have three partners, one long distance. One of the two local partners recently mentioned that they might move away, and raised the possibility of becoming long distance. I realised I’m not particularly interested in doing that, and I’d rather break up. I do love and care about them, and I don’t want to break up, but I don’t feel motivated enough to do the work of maintaining long distance with them. But I feel like saying this when I already have a long distance partner will hurt them intensely, and show that I just don’t feel as strongly about them as my other partner who is long distance, which unfortunately is true. I know I could say that I just don’t think our specific relationship would work well long distance, but that feels dishonest when I’ve come to realise that I just… don’t feel as invested in staying together as I did when my other partner moved away. How do I navigate this? I feel so guilty.Sounds hardHierarchiesDiscoursesWhat does it do, rather than what it isConsensual non monogamy, consent being the freedom to choose to agree and to have the capacity to make that choiceHow the decisions are being madeDuchamp’s doorInstead of being a self how about becoming a bushLines of flight
"Hi Justinmy favourite episode of yours and Meg-John's is 'disagreeing with people'. I've listened over 10 times. Despite this I still find myself getting into pointless heated discussions/arguments that leave me very upset specifically about trans issues but could be any marginalised group. This is in person one to one, not online, I don't respond on social media. How can I stop getting drawn in to doing this? I'm wasting my energy, but find certain things people say draw me in I can't help challenging it. I have multiple marginalised/intersectional identities and am gender non conforming but not trans myself. Thanks for all the work you put in to the podcast- its part of my self care."https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/disagreeing-with-people/Why it’s pointless You’re not engaging in the discussion for the same reason (you might want to change their mind, they might just want to get you riled)People rarely change their mind right there and thenChallenging is different from disagreements (How to challenge without locking horns)Who is the subject and who is the object or other? Who is who’s mommy / daddyHow your role as the other might actually be making things worse? Thoughts on materialism and what disagreements vs challenging does. Do we need to challenge or disagree? What does it do?Why you’re getting drawn inPerhaps in some way they are your object or other? You might want to think about times when you haven’t been drawn in (eg on social media), what have you done instead. What else might you do or be?Advice on how to just notice when we become conscious through affect/feeling : emotion : thoughts : actionsHere’s the podcast about Jacob Johannsen’s excellent bookhttps://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/jacob-johannsen-fantasy-online-misogyny-and-the-manospherehttps://linktr.ee/culturesexrel
Just a quick advice episode this week as I feel like I've talked a lot about orgasms lately on the show. But first there's some really lovely correspondence about when you, the assemblage, feel like the body without organs. More of this is particularly welcome! https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel
“I often struggle with unpicking what of my feelings is really 'mine' and what's internalised homophobia/transphobia/sexism/sex negativity etc. As a result I really struggle to trust myself, and become anxious, worrying that I'm unconsciously repeating harmful patterns. I know that identities aren't fixed, that we're all constantly evolving and all in relation to one another. I suppose really, with this all in mind, my question is: how do we work towards being authentically ourselves and trusting ourselves around sexual/gender identity? How do we hold space for our own feelings (both physical and emotional) whilst also combatting all the crap that we are imbued with by society?”Here’s A Thousand Plateaus (free pdfs are available online)https://www.upress.umn.edu/book-division/books/a-thousand-plateausHere’s that really interesting podcast episode I think I mentioned by Jeremy Gilbert https://culturepowerpolitics.org/2024/02/03/introducing-affect/ His book Common Ground is really great Here’s more about Antonio Damasio https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antonio_Damasio The name of the theorist I’d forgotten was Vicki Kirby and her idea about nothing being outside of nature is in this piece I thinkHere’s an article I wrote at BISH the other day which explains the different ways of thinking about the self https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/how-to-impress-someone-you-like/ Here’s more information about my coaching service https://justinhancock.co.uk/#coaching and you can contact me and find other resources here https://linktr.ee/culturesexrelHope we all found this useful and become the body without organs at some point this week. Let me know if you do!Justin
Sex Ed in the UK and MeOur wonderful Patrons have had this for a few days already. Why not join them from just £1 a month? Suggest shows, join the Patreon, DM me directly and get 10% off my coaching service ... patreon.com/culturesexrelationships This one is about a brief history of sex ed in the UK over the last hundred years or so. Part way through I tell my story of how I got into doing this job in 1998 / 1999 in order to tell an autoethnography which illuminates the problems which sex ed, sexual health services, and youth services have faced over the years. I think it reveals something interesting about what culture war and austerity have done and how this may result in a doubling down on a narrow sex ed which doesn’t seem to serve anyone. Here’s the Department for Education 1943 document I read from https://education-uk.org/documents/boardofed/1943-sex-ed.html I relied on ‘School sex education: policy and practice in England 1870 to 2000’ by Jane Pilcherhttps://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14681810500038848The Politics of Sex Education Policy in England and Wales and The Netherlands since the 1980s JANE LEWIS and TRUDIE KNIJNhttps://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/journal-of-social-policy/article/abs/politics-of-sex-education-policy-in-england-and-wales-and-the-netherlands-since-the-1980s/8913118BB205C133930FED2E05240864Seventy years of sex education in Health Education Journal: a critical reviewPadmini Iyer and Peter Aggletonhttps://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0017896914523942Here’s a useful document about sexual pleasure in RSE and that Pleasure leaflet debacle I was talking about https://shura.shu.ac.uk/16764/1/Pleasure%20Evaluation%202017%20FINAL%20final.pdfAnd you might be interested in this blog of mine I did last year about the state of RSE in the UKhttps://bishtraining.com/the-state-of-rse-in-the-uk/Send in your questions / support the show / find things to buy herehttps://linktr.ee/culturesexrel
I have a safer sex protocol that consists of a set of good communication tick boxes and a set of medical/testing disclosure tick boxes and a spreadsheet for my partners to record their partners and activities they practise with each, testing status, barrier use, etc I then use some approximate quantification of risk for each partner.While I find my protocol helpful in making this usually sensitive and difficult discussion more matter of fact and clear, I have experienced a lot of push back and hurt feelings by partners.I am reaching out to you because you mentioned in your episode this week that some people feel repelled by safer sex discussions.Could you help me see a way forward towards finding a consensus or a creative solution that works for everyone in case a partner refuses to engage with my protocol?Thank you for creating your content! I find it really valuable and fun to listen to!Resource / discourse When one becomes the otherWhat's a good resource? Heterogeneous, open, kind, Resourcing our bodiesTowards collectivity, away from the individual risks It's not working right now, why not? Sounds like it's only resourcing one personWhich means that it's not actually resourcing you For this approach the process and the content have to be flattened. It's the process for reducing risks which is the relation, which produces the outcomeTrustTo get trust we have to give it. It's a mutually constructed thingBut saying it isn't it. Also running the risk of people rejecting doing it because they are made to say it. Privity of contract How does trust feel? How do other people know? How would you respond? Can you use that to work backwards to find out how you might resource yourselves (or your whole assemblage) Here’s the podcast I was recommending here https://hotelbarpodcast.com/podcast/episode-119-trust/ Joy and love is only ever a result of the relationAs I've been saying lately, consciousness, becoming, can only happen in relation.Spinozan joy is just that if by increasing our capacity to act, we are reducing someone else's, it's sadness "Love means precisely that our expansive encounters and continuous collaborations bring us joy...without this, love, we are nothing." Antonio Negri So you need a resource, not a discourse, which you all can collaborate onAllows for volume levels (both in terms of the actual risks and how they are individual) Allows for different risksGives people autonomy over how they manage their sexual risks (privity) Creates openness and the possibilities of persevering over time Gives everyone an outJust conversations A Google doc of affects, emotions, thoughts, doingsNot just about safer sex but also increasing the possibilities to act https://www.bishuk.com/safer-sex/sex-infections/https://www.bishuk.com/safer-sex/chances-getting-sti/https://www.bishuk.com/safer-sex/sti-quiz/
[If you have a question of your own, or would like me to give a Second Opinion of someone else’s advice, get in touch via the link tree here https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel ]“My question is about (changing) feelings of disgust in sexual contexts. My sense of disgust can change rapidly depending on context. For example, most of the time I really don't like kissing, even the idea is repelling to me.” It’s okay.We shouldn’t have to find any kind of sexuality to be normal, or okay, or expected. Doesn’t matter what kind of relationship we’re in.Some things we are told are ‘normal’ part of sexuality are deeply weird when we think about it! Polymorphous perversity. (Here’s that episode https://soundcloud.com/podcast-co-coopercherry/three-essays-on-the-theory-of-sexuality )Navigating discrepancy is the normal (there are tips about this in our book A Practical Guide to Sex). https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/sex-discrepancies/ https://megjohnandjustin.com/sex/enjoy-penis-vagina-sex-want/ https://megjohnandjustin.com/sex/enjoy-non-genital-sex/ Perhaps think about the different ways of doing them. Maybe you need more mutual sex where you are both doing something with each other at the same time, or you might need to go one at a time. There’s some really great stuff about this in Cyndi Darnell’s book https://cyndidarnell.com/book/ (we did a podcast earlier this year, check it out)(Though I still think we are actively having sex with each other even if one person is receiving pleasure and the other ‘giving’ it. If pleasure was only about this giving and receiving mode, the giver gives and the taker takes, then how come I enjoy touching other people’s bodies?)Disgust and consciousness. How things become conscious and how we might pay attention to other affects.The exceptions. Kissing is great. Enhances sexual pleasure. What’s the difference? What do you notice?Things change rapidly, this is really useful. Can things change in the other direction? I didn’t talk about Epicurus, Lucretius and The Swerve, but I probably should have because that would have been fun. Here’s a good podcast about it https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/who-was-lucretius-with-thomas-nail/id1512615438?i=1000575225008
I thought I'd do a reading of a couple of my articles from BISH that I've written about orgasms and then have an adult and theoretical rambling about them. They demonstrate really nicely how gendered sex discourses have produced orgasms in a very narrow (territorialised) way, and how unlearning our sexual knowledges is the key to enjoying it a bit more, but also has some micropolitical implications. Here are the articleshttps://www.bishuk.com/bodies/how-do-i-know-when-ive-had-an-orgasm/https://www.bishuk.com/sex/what-is-gooning/If you do have any questions for me, here are the links you need https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel Justin
I was joined by Greg Wolfman to talk about his excellent book 'Masculinities in the US Hangout Sitcom'. https://www.routledge.com/Masculinities-in-the-US-Hangout-Sitcom/Wolfman/p/book/9781032426211 (it's an academic book, so expensive, but there's a 20% off voucher at the website. Also Routledge sometimes have really huge sales on. They also published Meg-John's Rewriting The Rules. Also, ask your library to get it)After a brief tribute to Matthew Perry / Chandler Bing, we- chatted about whether it was possible for us to enjoy Friends- Greg situated Friends in the socio-political context of neoliberalism, the 90s, and the long 90s (a term by Jeremy Gilbert which is usefully explained in his book with Alex Williams called 'Hegemony Now')- Greg helpfully walked us through the 'chrononormativities' of career, relationships, settling down (and we also chatted about how they show us a glimpse of queerness in the show but always shut it down)- Then we talked about the episodes in series two when Joey moves out and when Joey moves in. What this says about how masculinities are performed, the idea of 'the closeness in the doing', and whether we really are living in a more homosocial era of masculinities. Pivot!- And what does it say about Friends and us that it's still such a popular show? Why isn't there a sitcom for the luxury automated gay acid communism conjuncture? Call it 'Comrades'. Hire Greg as your script consultant!
I was thrilled to be joined by Jacob Bloomfield to talk about his excellent new book, 'Drag: A British History'. It tells the story of drag from 1870 to 1970 and I found it to be super entertaining and informative. I came to this as someone who was ambivalent about drag and I learnt so much. You can buy it from this affiliate link and then I get a small commission (and helps support the show) https://uk.bookshop.org/a/10660/9780520393325 or get it direct from the publishers https://www.ucpress.edu/book/9780520393325/drag The article Jacob mentions is here https://www.telegraph.co.uk/books/non-fiction/drag-surprising-mainstream-history/
I was delighted to be joined by Yvette Taylor to talk about her fascinating book Working Class Queers Time, Place and Politics.
You can buy it from here https://www.plutobooks.com/9780745341026/working-class-queers/
Patrons have had this show for a few days already. Sign up at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships from just £1 a month and support the show :-)
My last advice show was popular. Send your questions through via the link in the bio and I will answer them! :-)
The UK are having a round of allegations against public figures which centre around sexual ethics, consent, power, and bullying. These are all very different cases with their own particularities, yet the discussions surrounding them reveal a lack of nuance, lack of curiosity for critiquing sexual ethics, binary assumptions, carceral justice logics.
As it seems we’ve learnt nothing about sex, consent, and justice, I thought it would be great to invite Tina Sikka back on the show to talk about this and to apply her framing of a ‘pleasure and care-centred ethic of embodied and relational sexual Otherness’ and see what might become.
Here is that first conversation from a year ago
https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/tina-sikka-sex-consent-and-justice
You can pre-order the paperback of Tina's book here https://edinburghuniversitypress.com/book-sex-consent-and-justice.html
What if you have no problem making connections with people who are cute and engaging, but they are unavailable? My advice about how else we can see these moments of emergence and what we can do to bring reason and new stories into meeting people.
I guess this is a companion piece to this podcast https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/how-to-get-a-girlfriend-boyfriend-themfriend
This is a reading from my article I wrote for RSE folk but I think is relevant for CSR folk. I'm also really sick of hearing the bad takes about A* T*.
This article is in response to the questions I get about ‘what should we do about toxic masculinity influencers’. I complexify the idea of an individual having a singular ‘effect’. I argue that there are potential harms of uncritically accepting a common sense ‘cause and effect’ discourse of toxic masculinity. How paying attention to those discourses ‘covers over’ failings which are closer to home. Lastly, how the solution has been there all along, but it’s our own embedded institutional toxic masculinities which prevent us from accessing them.
Here's the article https://bishtraining.com/the-effect-of-toxic-masculinity-influencers/
Sign up for the Patreon to see what I'm up to with this new zine. patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
And here's that link I talked about at the end https://forms.gle/AVkYLaL4srDunrHC7
I was delighted to be joined by Laura Scaronne Bonhomme and Dr Michael Beattie who (together with co-author Skye Davies) wrote Gender Affirming Therapy. We talked about the need for this book right now. How trans and trans non-binary folk face such scarce resources and also an increasingly hostile and transphobic government. But also how the discourses around gender diversity may have produced an anxiety for health care providers in 'getting it right' and how this doesn't serve clients or themselves. We also talked about what [else] gender affirming therapy does. How their gentle affirming approach allows for gender to emerge (rather than putting clients on an A to B gender journey). The importance of allowing for indifference, ambivalence, and existential unknowings. How they bring an openness and fuzziness to discursive framings of gender together with a grounded understanding of the body, the material, and how this can help trans and non-binary and cis clients to emerge. Their book is out very soon so buy and review it here https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0335251544?ref_=k4w_embed_dp_err&tag=kpembed-20Or here (where I'd earn a little affiliate commission too) https://uk.bookshop.org/a/10660/9780335251544 Also join their club at affirm.lgbt (as I have just done)I hope you enjoy the show. You are as much part of this as I am. So if you can support it on patreon.com/culturesexrelationships with £1 a month for a bit I'd be super grateful. It helps pay me to do the show. Or you could perhaps share the show privately or publicly and say a nice thing about it. Maybe you could give it a nice 5 star rating on your podcast app too. Ta!
I was delighted to be joined by Sophie K Rosa for a chat about her excellent new book Radical Intimacy. We chatted about some of the emerging themes from the book: - the neoliberal self as produced by society and culture, - reflecting on Covid and how the lockdown policy reproduced common sense ideas about the nuclear family, mononormativity, and safety- we critique the common sense idea of monogamy and link this with Fordist capitalism- even under it's own terms what kind of society do we need to allow for even monogamous relationships and the nuclear family to emerge and thrive- what are the possibilities for more queerer intentional, relational, and consensual ways of relating- how those doing radical relating might also benefit from a more radical politics (as well as how those with radical politics might benefit from reflecting on radical relating)You can get the book from here https://www.plutobooks.com/9780745345161/radical-intimacy/ And you can read Sophie's excellent journalism work over at Novara Media https://novaramedia.com/contributor/sophie-k-rosa/ Please support the show so that I can a) be paid and b) pay fellow freelance guests. If everyone listening donated £1 a month at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships I'd be able to treat this like a part time job and thus more podcasts.
I've done a reading of and around an article I've written for BISH this week about How To Get A Girlfriend, Boyfriend, or Themfriend. I've read it out but also talked around it to complexify it, chat a bit about some of the theory, and also why this isn't neoliberal advice but a line of flight to become 'other'. Could you please help me share the hell out of the article https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/how-to-get-a-girlfriend-boyfriend-or-themfriend/If you want to support the show (even just for a bit) there's a Patreon patreon.com/culturesexrelationshipsThanks for listening!Justin
Renowned sex therapist and educator Cyndi Darnell joined me to talk about her amazing book ‘Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It’. We critiqued the idea of libido itself, the importance of curiosity, the new three word model you should be using instead of GGG on Feeld, the importance of allowing the body to speak, why talking about problems is often not helpful, the possibilities for the body to show the path to freedom and connectedness, and the difficulties of being saturated in discourse and how to become resourced. Here’s a link to the book (I earn a small commission if you buy it from this link but it is widely available)https://uk.bookshop.org/books/sex-when-you-don-t-feel-like-it-the-truth-about-mismatched-libido-and-rediscovering-desire/9781538161708?aid=10660The paper that Cyndi mentioned is here https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14681994.2021.1882672 And her website is https://cyndidarnell.com/Please support the podcast if you can via Patreon and unlock bonus episodes and some other extras (Patrons have had this episode for a week ahead). Just £1 a month for a bit would be great and would pay me to make these shows patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
Here's an interview with Eleanor, about her amazing new book 'The Once and Future Sex'. We discuss the key themes of the book- about how the story of what it is to be a woman was told (and how this connects to power and hegemony), - where the beauty standard first came from and how women faced a double jeopardy of following them / not following them- how the story of what it is to be a woman meant creating stigma around sex and relationships - the role of the medieval mother and why motherhood was central to medieval life (yet women were still seen as inessential 'Others')- and why all of this matters for the present day, for feminism, and also why learning from this should be an important, central, part of post-capitalist politicsHer book is out on 17th January 2023 in the US https://wwnorton.com/books/9780393867817 and here in the UK on 3rd March 2023 https://uk.bookshop.org/books/the-once-and-future-sex-going-medieval-on-women-s-roles-in-society/9780393867817
A listener asked me (via Patreon) to chat about Covid. The restrictions might be over, but Covid is still very much with us (and with others more than some). Why do we want to turn away from Covid? Why do we want to think we've 'beaten' the virus? Masks have gone, but does that mean that we've simply learnt nothing? I asked podcaster and storyteller Dave Pickering along to tell their story of Covid and help me put the personal in a cultural and political context.
This week I am grabbing some hashtag content from my other Patreon for BISH (https://www.bishuk.com/)and introducing you to my 'Train Yourself in RSE' resources. You can see this (and read the resource) here for free https://www.patreon.com/posts/train-yourself-1-70736726
If this is the kind of thing that you might be interested in doing here, I could do special CSR versions which are aimed at you the individual (rather than educators). So you would receive really in-depth, adult, sex and relationships education in this way.
We could also do monthly zoom meetings to chat about some of the activities with each other, and I could even facilitate actual workshops with you. Sign up for the Culture Sex Relationships Patreon to register your interest (from just £1 a month) patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
Hope you find this useful!
Justin
I invited Scott Burnett back on the show (here's his first appearance last year when we talked about the manosphere https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/scott-burnett-masculinities-masturbation-and-no-fap).
He co-wrote this excellent paper this year called ‘Breeders for race and nation’: gender, sexuality and fecundity in post-war British fascist discourse. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/0031322X.2021.2011088
It's open access and although it's an academic article I think it's pretty accessible (we also explain it in the show).
We talked about:
Why we're having the conversation at the moment (Italy, and the Bonk for Britain story) https://www.theguardian.com/politics/commentisfree/2022/oct/10/the-tory-ministers-bonking-for-britain-idea-is-a-vile-vision-lurking-behind-cheeky-carry-on-imagery The general overview of the right and gender How this reproduces whiteness and gender subjectivities (and how it is weaponised against the Other (people of colour, migrants generally, feminism) Where else we see these kinds of discourses around gender and sexuality How some of these themes are taken up in environmentalist discourses around overpopulation. But also seeing this as a spectrum where we might also see (seemingly benevolent) references to 'strong families'. We can also see this in culture generally in (what I tend to call) hegemonic or common sense sexuality education but also how gender and sexuality have been disciplined as part of the capitalist projects of the last 100 years. We talked generally about the failure of left / liberal politics to understand how gender and sexuality are not an 'over there' or 'nice to have' but an essential part of our political bloc. Some other reading / podcasts that you might be interested in that we chatted about.
Hegemony Now - by Jeremy Gilbert and Alex Williams. https://www.versobooks.com/books/4015-hegemony-now They did a video summarising it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuYEKWx5q40
Abolish The Family - by Sophie Lewis https://www.versobooks.com/books/4075-abolish-the-family which is really really interesting (the title sounds scary and bombastic but it's really not that kind of book). I haven't listened to it yet but she did a podcast for Novara Media about it which I'm sure will be worth a listen https://novaramedia.com/2022/10/12/choose-your-own-family-adventure/
Here's that article by Sophie K Rosa https://novaramedia.com/2022/10/13/did-cuba-just-abolish-the-family/ about Cuba and the cool thing they've done lately.
As you may have been hearing on recent podcasts, I’ve been training in solution focused therapy / coaching recently. I’ve been finding it pretty transformational, both for me personally but I’ve also found it really useful in work too. It’s a very postmodern practice, in that it just works. In the training that I’ve attended the trainers have been disinterested in the theory, or why it works. Their response is that it does, and here’s how we do it.
That’s good enough for me, I really enjoyed getting cracking with it and trying it out on lots of my loved ones before doing coaching with paying clients. However, I have a podcast to run and I need that content baby! So what is the deal with solution focused therapy and what’s the theory behind it?
[for the full blog post that I read out here head over to the Patreon where I've unlocked it https://www.patreon.com/posts/70372857 ]
If you’re interested in booking a session with me (Patrons get 10% discount) check out the coaching page at justinhancock.co.uk
If you want to have a session with someone who isn’t me, I can recommend Biba (who I’ve had some sessions with too). She’s great https://ribalon.org/
If you’re interested in getting some training yourself, I’d recommend the courses at Brief, which is where I’ve been training. https://www.brief.org.uk/
To help with this I’ve been reading How to Read Wittgenstein by Ray Monk and Ludwig Wittgenstein by Edward Kanterian (part of the Critical Lives series). This article by Steve de Shazer is really interesting (and helpful) https://www.sdstate.edu/sites/default/files/2018-06/dont_think_but_observe.pdf The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy came up trumps again with their excellent entry (such an amazing resource) https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/wittgenstein/ The Wikipedia page for solution focused therapy is packed with links to the evidence for how effective it is https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solution-focused_brief_therapy If you want to understand what I meant by postmodern check out this podcast by Jeremy Gilbert (when Liz Truss was having a go at postmodernism, obviously she didn’t understand what that meant)
Latest episode is an expanded version of some of the stuff I've been writing lately for BISH (my website for over 14s) and for Mashable which you can read here https://mashable.com/article/porn-sites-viewers-workers For a blog post of this article you can head to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/posts/72285998 and while you're there please considering supporting the show. Just £1 a month would really help out. If everyone who listened did that then I could work for 2/5 of a week on it.
If you want more anti or post-capitalist content check out the work of my comrades at ALE https://www.alternativeleftentertainment.org/
Yes we're back with another Sex Jams and we're back with another George Michael song. Perhaps the horniest of his songs. Freeek! We're doing Freeek! 04 and the video is here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLnYPXTs9LY
Patrons support the show and also get bits of bonus material, including the full length version of this podcast. Just £1 a month would support the show. If everyone who listened did this I'd be able to work for a day or two a week on this show!
CN - I don't go into detail about abuse but the whole episode is (as the title suggests) about the relationship between what kink might do (for some people) and previous experiences of abuse.
For the full blog post that goes with the episode, sign up at the Patreon and support the show. Or if you can't afford that but want to read the post, email me at culturesexrelationships at gmail dot com and I'll send it to you.
NB: it's 29th July 2022, so if you listen to this in a few weeks time you might want to check out my article at BISH below just in case the advice changes.
Here's a quick episode about monkeypox: it's a chill and informative explainer. It's based on the article I wrote at BISH https://www.bishuk.com/safer-sex/monkeypox/ and also in the article I wrote for Mashable https://mashable.com/article/monkeypox-symptoms-signs-safety
The links I mentioned are in those articles but also here are a few more
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/monkeypox/
https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa2207323
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S147330992200411X?dgcid=coauthor
https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/monkeypox
https://www.cdc.gov/poxvirus/monkeypox/index.html
This twitter thread is really useful too https://twitter.com/mugecevik/status/1550757056256294912
And here's my article about how to worry https://www.bishuk.com/about-you/how-to-worry/
Justin
Here's the latest episode of Sex Jams with Dr Eleanor Janega and me, discussing a sex jam. Here is the video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrbFQEcpJ3A
We talk about pretty interesting stuff. Why the ideal Sex Jam is actually John Cage. Two seed theory. How liberal notions of the self and sexuality come from the classical and medieval notions of sex and sexuality. What is cream? The mirror phase. (Sexual) subjectivity. And having the horn.
Eleanor's blog is https://going-medieval.com/ her other podcast is called We're No So Different https://feeds.transistor.fm/were-not-so-different and if you want to watch her on TV check out her seriess on History Hit https://access.historyhit.com/videos/medieval-pleasures-sex You can see the rest of her stuff here https://linktr.ee/EleanorJanega
I offer an advice / solution focused coaching service about sex, relationships, and you. So if you find my advice on here useful you might want to book me for a session. More details here https://justinhancock.co.uk/#coaching
https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel
Here's an interview with Cory Cascalheira who was the lead writer of an academic paper called 'Curative Kink: Survivors of early abuse transform trauma through BDSM'. It's open access and I'd encourage you to read it because it's well interesting and I think very important.
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/352440982_Curative_kink_Survivors_of_early_abuse_transform_trauma_through_BDSM
I say more about this in the introduction, but we're not saying that Kink is a prescription for dealing with trauma from sexual abuse, or neglect, or violence. It's to say, for people who take part in Kink, in the context of cultural healing, what does kink offer people therapeutically.
Support this show via patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
You can also support https://www.bishuk.com (one of the most popular and widely respected websites for young people) at patreon.com/bishuk
Or if you want to find out about all the other work I do, including one to one sessions for solution focused coaching or sex and relationships advice, head to https://justinhancock.co.uk/
I chatted with Alfie Bown about his really superb new book Dream Lovers the Gamification of Relationships. It's packed with interesting ideas and theory but is also highly readable and fun. I learnt tons.
I chat about the book in the introduction but you can also read more about it (and buy it if you can) at the Pluto Books website https://www.plutobooks.com/9780745344874/dream-lovers/
If you like the show please consider supporting it from £1 a month at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships and you might also want to check out my website justinhancock.co.uk to see about other projects I work on and to find out more about my new coaching service.
Here's an article that I wrote for my Patrons at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships and I've read out here. If you want to read the article then I've unlocked the post which you can find here https://www.patreon.com/posts/65416473
Please do consider supporting the show via Patreon or you can also find out about and support my other work, which you can see at my new website https://justinhancock.co.uk
As I say in the introduction, I was thinking about her work when I was learning about the Sexuality Assemblage. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/258032851_The_Sexuality-Assemblage_Desire_Affect_Anti-Humanism
This comes from the Deleuze and Guattari idea of the 'body without organs' which is just to say that our bodies and selves exist only in relation to (and becoming of) other humans, ideas, memories, fantasies, environments, objects and that these all exist in an affective flow. I learnt about this from The Body by Nick J Fox.
We discussed this in the Sex Consent and Justice episode with Tina Sikka in December last year. Don't worry if this sounds academic and technical, hopefully the conversation is pretty inclusive and straight forward and fun! If you want an intro to this you might like this module of the Teach Yourself Sex Ed course I did for my website for young people. https://www.bishuk.com/parents/teach-yourself-sex-ed-bodies/
You can check out GotN's work at https://www.girlonthenet.com/ and you can support her audio prn project and her writing at her Patreon https://www.patreon.com/girlonthenet
This conversation has been out for a couple of weeks now on both of our Patreons. So do consider signing up to both of our Patreons to support the work. If you can't afford it, no worries. If you can share it on social media that would be great too.
My latest Ask Justin is another one where I read out the blog post I've written. Which makes this a shorter but more focused podcast. Yay shorter podcasts. This has been out for over a week already at the Patreon and they also get the blog post (with all the links I mention) and also other bonus material. I am going to start to do Patreon exclusive content soon because I need more Patrons (money) for the work (labour) which I am doing and trying not to disavow (like we are supposed to in the creative industries). We covered this when we talked about anti-capitalist prn a few months back. So please consider signing up from just £1 a month at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
Here's part two of the interview I did with Jacob and Bonni about their amazing new book 'Event Horizon'. It's not going to make as much sense if you haven't listened to last week's episode first I don't think, but I don't like telling you what to do.
In this part we talk about:
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the idea of 'cuteness'
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selfies (comparing selfies with Lacan's idea of the Mirror Stage)
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the sexual non-relation
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heteropessimism
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expanding our idea of the erotic.
If you want to buy the book here's the link https://www.johnhuntpublishing.com/zer0-books/our-books/event-horizon-sexuality-politics-culture
Event Horizon: Sexuality, Politics, Online Culture, and the Limits of Capitalism
When our desires become the product of tech giants, what ways are there left for us to dream? in an age where Silicon Valley dictates what it means to innovate, a painless future, knowledge and enjoyment are fertile breeding grounds of political contestation. But it’s not exactly democracy. We are controlled through platforms that turn us into data for the profit of billionaires. Control has become so playful that we carry it in our pockets, as we continue to crave likes and followers.
What is to be done? Should the Left continue to cling to the promise of a political Event, patiently waiting for a revolutionary rupture where new possibilities emerge? Is there a way to delineate its horizons amidst the chaos?
Through a psychoanalytic interrogation of the intersections of online culture, sexuality, and politics, Bonni Rambatan and Jacob Johanssen explore such horizons at the limits of capitalism. Event Horizon examines how capitalist ideology functions in our current moment, and, more importantly, how it breaks down. With the increasing urgency of formulating a proper Leftist response to the rapidly growing violence that seriously threatens the lives of marginalised communities, this book could not be more timely.
I’ve split this episode up into two. This first half is:
A general overview of the book and some of the problems it seeks to address
An introduction to Lacan and why it’s his analysis in particular which is so relevant for the present day
An explanation of Lacan’s discourses, particularly the 5th discourse of capitalism
How the master signifier is now the database which undergirds platform capitalism
The role of conspiracy and its relationship to capitalism (and the discourses)
How trolling is an essential part of this conspiracy thinking (the jouissance of this being an excess which capital can profit from).
If you like this podcast generally you should buy the book. It's about 11 quid. https://www.johnhuntpublishing.com/zer0-books/our-books/event-horizon-sexuality-politics-culture
Jacob has of course appeared on the show in our conversation about Fantasy and Online Misogyny. Scroll back a few episodes in the feed to find it.
It's another Ask Justin week and this time I'm reading out an article I've written which is available at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships 'I’ve Never Been Able To Orgasm.'
There are a lot of aggregated ideas about sex and bodies in your question which I think would be useful to examine up close to see how much we can see them shifting. The way that you refer to orgasms, the body, and the self could all do with being allowed to move.
Please help support the podcast by either signing up to the Patreon or you could also buy some of the resources that I made with Meg-John Barker. Find those at megjohnandjustin.com/publications
Justin
I think many of us might agree that #MeToo has been an important and much needed movement. Putting consent, sexual violence, instutional power, and genderered power dynamics, into our everyday conversations. But in what way has it transformed our understandings of consent and justice, and the possibilities for sex. Probably not a lot. It has both uncovered and reinforced very basic and binary notions of consent, justice, and sex and has seemingly got stuck in an endless dialogue which, compared to #BLM, is anything but transformative.
But what if we really expand the meanings and possibilities of both consent and justice. How can this both prevent harm on an individual and institutional level. What can we learn to do differently going forward? How can we transform society so that the sociological and legal standard for sex is care, mutuality, co-creation, embodiment, and autonomy?
Tina Sikka has written an amazing book about this called Sex, Consent, and Justice and she joins us today.
You can buy the book here https://edinburghuniversitypress.com/book-sex-consent-and-justice.html however (I’m sorry to say) it’s an academic book and so hugely expensive.
When we talk about porn it’s invariably about what effects it causes. What is it doing to our sexualities, what is it teaching kids about sex, and blaming it for hacking into and hijacking our desires. More interesting is to look at porn in culture just as we might look at any other media such as social media industries and streaming platforms. What kinds of active relationships might we have with it, and it on us, on an individual and also on a cultural level.
What is the relationship that porn has with capitalism? Looking at porn has gone from being a frowned upon unproductive activity, to a still frowned upon but now productive activity for capital. With the major porn streaming sites being as popular as other streaming media, they have managed to turn viewing into labour. They keep viewers attentive, but also distracted, with the seemingly endless opportunities to view and click elsewhere. The data from the viewer is used to inform the production of porn (which is also owned by the free streaming sites). In an age where work has become dominant and also valorised, the content itself has gone from representations of desire to the representation of hard work. Performers are finely tuned athletes paying constant attention to both their appearance but also to ensure that they are fit enough to do such demanding work. Often this hard work is punishing, exploitative, and unethical - just as with other modes of production. How has ethical or feminist porn responded to this and in what ways are these just valorizing another kind of labour? But also can anti-capitalist porn provide us with an exemplar of labour in post neoliberal capitalism, and perhaps also a gentle reminder of the ‘labours of love’ that are necessary for the erotic to become.
I’m delighted to be joined by Rebecca Saunders to talk about her book Bodies of Work - the Labour of Sex in the Digital Age.
Regular listeners of this podcast will know that we recently had Scott Burnett on the show to talk about his work on understanding online communities of men related to the No Fap movement, the manosphere, and the alt-right. His work charted these groups and some of the often dangerous and worrying views they espouse.
In today’s show we are going to take a more psychoanalytic approach. How are men in the manosphere constructing their masculinities. How does this relate to fascist ideas now, but also the fascist histories of the early 20th century? How can men in the manosphere both repress sexualities yet also built entire communities talking about it? What fantasies are told about the threat to masculinities and how are they both necessary and necessarily destroyed? And what are our best hopes for how we can respond, or how these men might respond? Is there ever a way back for violently misogynistic men?
Jacob Johanssen has written an excellent and engrossing book called ‘Fantasy, online misogyny and the manosphere’
We chatted about:
Why psychoanalysis for this work? What does it bring us?
Broad overview of the manosphere and who it is we are going to speak about.
Hegemonic masculinities of the manosphere (in the post feminist and post-fordist era)
The Friekorp (the militias in early 20th century Germany post WWI) and the manosphere - key similarities and differences (and why it's a useful analysis)
The fantasy of women (the other) as something necessary but also needing to be destroyed
Dis/Inhibition
The armour of these communities (and what community does for them)
The potential role of sex education
Recognition
His book is here https://www.routledge.com/Fantasy-Online-Misogyny-and-the-Manosphere-Male-Bodies-of-DisInhibition/Johanssen/p/book/9780367468651
And the next book Event Horizon is published on Zero books in January (it looks amazing)
https://www.johnhuntpublishing.com/zer0-books/our-books/event-horizon-sexuality-politics-culture
Support the show at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
Check out the rest of the ALE collective at alternativeleftentertainment.org
This week I chatted with the critically acclaimed, and multi award winner and nominee, podcaster Dave Pickering about podcasts.
You will hear:
- Dave doing an intro about their podcasts and history with them
- why people might listen to them, what are the motivations
- the danger of neoliberalism 'self improvement' and podcasts
- the parasocial relationships that we have with podcast hosts and guests and how much that is part of why we listen (atomised, alienated from those around us we might turn to these kinds of relationships maybe?)
- recommendations for good shows
Dave’s own projects are
Getting Better Acquainted Stand Up Tragedy The Family Tree Down to a sunless sea: memories of my dad (I’ve listened to the first of these, it’s really moving and excellent.
Current (Client) projects: Who Hurt You (formally Made of Human) (I sort of mentioned this) The Restart Project Race Reflections AT WORK The Breakup Monologues
Check all those out via Dave’s website http://dave-pickering.squarespace.com/
Also follow them on twitter for their excellent recommendations (usually on a Friday) https://twitter.com/goosefat101
Please consider supporting the Patreon for this show patreon.com/culturesexrelationships Your support means that I can get paid to make the show and I can also pay other freelance guests. The more support I get the more shows I can make.
Speaking of shows, the easiest ones for me to make are the 'Ask Justin' advice shows. So if you have any questions about relationships, sex, your relationship to your self, you can ask me. I will anonymise your question and will also give an excellent, long, and thoughtful answer. Email culturesexrelationships at gmail dot com
As many of us are getting used to opening up our lives again in the middle of a pandemic, we might start to feel different kinds of feelings and thoughts about how safe and comfortable we might feel. Being at the pub, cafe, theatre, cinema, meetings, conferences or protests now has a very different set of concerns or anxieties for many of us. Also over the last couple of years the protests around the murder of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Sarah Everard, and also the Kill the Bill protests have been a reminder to us that our capacity to feel safe and comfortable in public spaces has been extremely unfairly distributed in the modern era. And furthermore we maybe now have a greater awareness how people’s experiences of systemic oppression might show up in people’s bodies in the context of complex post traumatic stress disorder. So I thought it would be timely to talk about the body and to invite Kim Loliya onto the show to talk about her work as a therapist, particularly somatic therapy, and for us to learn more about how we might connect with our bodies and where this can be a necessary part of a broader politics of solidarity too.
Please support the Patreon! patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
We're back with another Sex Jams. This time it's the classic of the genre, Je t'aime (moi non plus). I love you (me neither). Dr Eleanor Janega and I (Justin Hancock) analyse it to death and ruin it for everyone. You're welcome!
Dr J's blog is here https://going-medieval.com/ her Patreon is here https://www.patreon.com/GoingMedieval and her other excellent podcast We're Not So Different is here https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/were-not-so-different/id1551657923
Hope you enjoy it.
I've written a blog post to accompany this one which you can read over at the now unlocked Patreon post https://www.patreon.com/posts/56188508
We're back with a Meg-John and Justin episode
We chatted about:
Why we haven’t talked about kink as different to any other erotic / sexual / sensual activity.
How common kink is.
How kink is still positioned as ‘not normal’ despite it being incredibly common.
The weight of should stories of what is kink and how kink should be practised (and how this might be an over correction to the messages about kink being not okay).
The challenge into tuning into what we want. How do we create our kink subjectivities?
Communication and consent.
What familiarity with all the terms and knowledge might open up or close down
Different meaning and motivations for taking part in kink
Different kinds of activities and the different things we might get out of it (and how this can be really different depending on context).
The importance of being slow and avoiding pushing people / being aware of being pushed.
Solo / partnered. Erotic / nurturing/ power.
In the rest of the conversation (on the Patreon feed) we cover:
Trauma and how we need to be aware of our own responses as well as others.
The possibilities for kink as a way of understanding our traumas (and what needs to be in place for this).
Abuse in kink communities and how we navigate risk.
Intentionality / co-created.
You can support Meg-John’s work directly at https://www.patreon.com/MegJohnBarker
Their website is https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/
You can see their free books (including their book about trauma) https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/all-free-books/
I also wrote about kink at my website for young people a few weeks ago https://www.bishuk.com/sex/kink/ and also about Rough Sex (after my conversation with Rachel Thompson last week) https://www.bishuk.com/sex/rough-sex/
As we’ve covered recently in the episodes with Katherine Angel and Joy Townsend, the on-going journey to sexual subjectivity for women is often difficult and fraught with harms, violence, degrees of unwantedness, coercion, and a lack of consent. The narrow, legalistic, framework we have for understanding these harms are geared towards identifying (or perhaps not identifying) perpetrators. This often stifles the voices of survivors of violence. In a society where sex is still so stigmatised how do we find the spaces, and the vocabulary to talk about sex and make sense of our own experiences. Where we are given such strong messages about what sex is, who is allowed to have it, and who should do what to whom. How as individuals can we navigate sexual encounters when society unfairly distributes agency and gives us few tools to allow for the possibility of collective agency and joy.
Rachel Thompson’s book Rough - How violence found its way into the bedroom and what we can do about it, is a timely and wide ranging survey of all of this. It’s thoroughly researched and does not offer simplistic explanations for why violence happens in bedrooms and in society more broadly. However it is a calm, unflinching, inquiry into what violences there are, with an intersectional lens on who experiences them, and a call to arms for how we might change the culture in which this happens.
So here’s a content note ahead of the rest of this conversation. We are going to be talking about violence, in its many forms. However we will try to avoid detailed descriptions of any individual acts.
Here’s more detail about Rachel’s excellent book https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/112/1120632/rough/9781529110388.html
Here’s Rachel’s work for Mashable https://mashable.com/author/rachel-thompson
Here’s Rachel’s twitter https://twitter.com/RVT9
And that article of mine where I talk about porn and causation and stuff is at my website for sex educators https://bishtraining.com/does-porn-harm-young-people/
And if you are new to my work and don’t know that I run bishuk.com (one of the leading sex ed websites for young people) go check it out!
Justin
As we covered in a recent podcast Her Sexual Self, drawing and redrawing our sexual or asexual subjectivities is something that we are all in the process of doing - whether we know it or not. How do we come to know and understand and become our sexual selves?
How do we do this when discourses, or should stories, of how we should do our gender and sexuality are so powerful and all around us. What happens in communities, or at an interpersonal level when these stories can be told and retold to others
Scott Burnett has written an excellent paper on how men who abstain from masturbating make sense of their sexual subjectivities and how this is produced and reproduced in online communities. Some of this is quite everyday and benign, but some of it is quite troubling. So here’s a warning that some of what we might talk about might refer to racist tropes and sexist and potentially violent views of women.
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/1097184X211018256#
Here are the notes I made before the show
No Fap - brief overview
Small minority but the basic ideas exist in culture more broadly and have for hundreds of years
How masculinity works. Brief overview of hegemonic masculinities and how control narratives are a source of doing masculinity even when men are supposed to be interested in and having a sex drive.
Manosphere online - a deliberate space set up as different to the IRL ‘toxic’ masculinity, but still doing the same thing.
Fapstronauts Influenced by discourse about porn addiction Concerns over their sexual performance IRL, strong big erect penises eg Social harms of porn but not for women (slut shaming) Sexual energy can be exchanged for other energies
Self masters Trying to be the ideal neoliberal subject Performance Lift, eat well, supplements, crypto, etc Jordan Peterson
Meninists In opposition to feminism. Restating patriarchy Testosterone boosting masculinity Cucking discourses Trad discourses Porn drains energy from men, makes them soy (thus porn is a feminist plot) Sex is procreative, heterosexuality, have trad wife
Alt Right Anti semitism - who porn is made by and what
Here’s some more reading for you if you are interested
Friend of the show Eleanor Janega wrote this on the history of some of these ideas https://going-medieval.com/2018/11/26/on-no-nut-november/
Here’s an excellent blog from other friend of the show Girl On The Net https://www.girlonthenet.com/blog/not-masturbating-too-much/
And here’s my advice article for young men about how to do No Nut November (I am not asking them to abstain from abstaining, but instead to give them gentle advice that might lead them away from the harmful groups we talk about in the episode) https://www.bishuk.com/sex/tips-for-no-nut-november/
Justin
I'm doing things a bit differently this week as my 'Ask Justin' episode is just me reading out advice which I've written in a column, over at the patreon. I thought I'd try this approach out. I'm more used to writing for young people over at BISH but I might do more of this kind of thing for adults here too. I also thought this would be a nice complementary episode to the last one with Joy Townsend called Her Sexual Self.
To read it head to https://www.patreon.com/posts/54220897 (where you can also sign up to get more benefits)
I’m afraid the audio of this episode isn’t as good as usual because we had to rely on the back up recording. Sorry about that.
I’m also going to give you a content note here in particular for Natalie’s story where there is a description of a rape. There aren’t graphic details and in the story Natalie has ambivalent feelings about it, but I just wanted to give you a heads up in case you want to skip it. It’s around 28 minutes in and if you skip ahead for 2 minutes from when you first hear Joy mention Natalie’s name then you will miss it.
Her Sexual Self: A narrative investigation of young women’s sexual subjectivities
Listeners to this show will know that we have always tried to grapple with questions of the personal and the political, the structural and cultural messages that we receive, and the possibilities for agency and freedom to choose within this. It’s hard to articulate and sometimes it means that we have to treat them separately or as things happening in parallel, or by simply just pointing out that in a neoliberal world built on scarcity that our capacity to choose, or to be embodied is unevenly distributed. Joy’s thesis Her Sexual Self, really gets to the heart of this dichotomy and shows how actually our everyday experiences might be sites of valuable understanding where our self has the capacity to be drawn and redrawn.
Sexual subjectivity the background and rationale of her sexual self
Foucault and the technology of self (why his later work is important to reflect on)
The subjects of the interviews and how they panned out
Navigating normal Accommodating norms: ‘virginity’ ‘loss’ Managing norms: slut surveillance Being sexual but not too sexual - practices of constrained agency Resisting norms: The affirmative slut Resisting norms: the rampage
Becoming her sexual self Defining the process Learning from experience The risky business of learning
Before we start here's some housekeeping. This show is inspired by Time, the drama on BBC 1 that concluded last week and is available on iplayer. It’s not a review of the show but there are a couple of spoilers. We also mention self-harm but don’t go into any detail at all.
As you’ll hear Jazz Tehara works in a prison environment with offenders with highly complex and challenging behaviour but with a NHS led pathway strategy in place. So this conversation raises some of the possibilities of what a well funded and resourced prison service, focussing on mental health outcomes and work on masculinities, could look like.
Also if you would like to support this podcast please consider becoming a Patron of the show. Just £1 a month will help to pay me to make this show as well as to pay an appearance fee to fellow freelance guests. There are also occasional bits of bonus content for Patrons as well as access to the Discord server where you can chat with other listeners. That’s at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
I was delighted to be joined by Juliet Jacques, who is a writer, film maker, and one of our leading cultural commentators. We talked about her latest book Variations which is her debut short story collection. She uses uses fiction inspired by found material and real-life events to explore the history of transgender Britain.
Juliet very kindly agreed to do a reading for us where she tells the story of a press intrusion into the life of Laura, a model and actress in the 1950s. We also talk about the transphobia and 'trans discourse' in the mainstream media (and how stupid and reductive this often is) and how the role of fiction and story telling might be a compelling and creative alternative.
Variations is out now on Influx Press https://www.influxpress.com/variations
Her excellent podcast Suite 212 can be found here https://soundcloud.com/suite-212 and the Patreon for that is here https://www.patreon.com/suite212
If you like this interview and would like to support us, from just £1 a month, please consider subscribing to our Patreon patreon.com/culturesexrelationships Your support pays me to do the podcast and also helps me to pay a fee to freelance guests.
I was delighted to be joined by Jamie Hakim and Ingrid Young to talk about their project ‘Digital Intimacies: how gay and bisexual men use their smartphones to negotiate their cultures of intimacy’. We chat about intimacy and why it’s not just what happens in private between two people but actually the connections we depend on for living - be that public or private. The loss of the possibilities for public intimacy was felt keenly by gay and bisexual men, where, as with for a lot of queer folk, counter public spaces were some of the few places they could 'be'. Interviews with participants reveal how smartphones could open up new avenues of intimacy during a pandemic, just as others are closed down. The opportunities for pause and reflection and new relationships, as well as the possibilities for negotiating safer covid safer sex practices. All of this as a counter to the ‘common sense’ and reductive stereotypes about gay and bi men, technology, and sex.
This was a super interesting chat and there’s so much in here for everyone to think about and reflect on. Perhaps it might give you some pause for thought about the intimacies that are available to you? How we have managed and continue to manage our relationships via our phones and zooms. What opportunities there might be for forging relationships of comradeship and coalition. Anyway, have a listen and thanks so much to Jamie and Ingrid for coming on and chatting about their excellent project.
For the full show check out patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
There’s a great presentation from Jamie here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gwO5SenCok Also follow the project at https://twitter.com/digintimaciesUK
We did a live stream on our new twitch stream twitch.tv/culturesexrel just now about Eurovision. Here's the audio!
This weeks' Culture Sex Relationships is the 3rd Ask Justin. You send your questions and I try and give great advice. There are three questions this week.
One on sex discrepancies and opening up a relationship to non-monogamy.
Second is about BDSM and the risks of practising it when you have a straight laced job.
The third one is about disentangling arousal and desire and the role of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. This last one contains a mention of sexual assault but I don't go into any detail or specifics.
If you like this show and would like some more of it, please considering supporting the show on Patreon. patreon.com/culturesexrelationships From just £1 a month would be a great help. If you can afford more so that I can keep as much as this free for others that can't, that would be even better. Thank you!
Here are some links I mention
For the user guide zines check out megjohnandjustin.com/publications
Here's our book https://uk.bookshop.org/books/a-practical-guide-to-sex-finally-helpful-sex-advice/9781785783876
Here's the BDSM survey I mentioned http://cdn.yougov.com/cumulus_uploads/document/h38baes6ei/InternalResults_150209_BDSM_Website.pdf
The topping and bottoming books are by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy http://www.dossieeaston.com/books.html
I also mention the Idiot Brain by Dean Burnett, which is great https://uk.bookshop.org/books/the-idiot-brain-a-neuroscientist-explains-what-your-head-is-really-up-to/9781783350827?aid=5561
Meg-John's work on trauma is excellent https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/self/trauma-and-the-body-basics/
I chatted with Sarah from Decrim Now about the laws around sex work and why it's an issue at the moment. We cover the current position (which is partial criminalisation), the Nordic Model (which criminalises the client), and full decriminalisation (which is what sex workers and many big unions and charities are calling for).
As I mentioned in last week's show we would please encourage you to use this template to email your MP about it https://decrimnow.eaction.org.uk/nonordicmodel and if you have clout or belong to an organisation that does, please sign the open letter https://decrimnow.org.uk/open-letter-on-the-nordic-model/
Meg-John and I did a show about how we might slowly begin to open up again. How we might be able to make it easier for others. The importance of good consensual processes (and how we can pay attention to those).
Here's the excellent infographic we talked about https://twitter.com/CounsellingKaz/status/1381200139839225856?s=19
Here's the link to the open letter put together by Decrim Now for the decriminalisation of sex work https://decrimnow.org.uk/open-letter-on-the-nordic-model/
Support Meg-John's Patreon https://www.patreon.com/MegJohnBarker and please sign up to the Culture Sex Relationships Patreon to help support the show https://www.patreon.com/CultureSexRelationships
This has been out and available on the Patreon feed for a few days now, so you've been denied the freshest of takes until now. If you want to hear future episodes early and in full, then please support the Patreon.
I was delighted to be joined by Katherine Angel to chat about her latest book Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again. We had to rely on the zoom recording so sorry about the occasional blip in the background.
We chatted about the main themes of her book: consent, desire, arousal, and vulnerability. We also chatted a little bit about my book Can We Talk About Consent and compared notes about how a more bottom up approach to understanding sex might be possible. We covered the topic of sexual violence but we didn't go into any detail. It was a really interesting and engrossing chat and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.
Katherine's book is on sale wherever you get your books. You can also buy direct from the publishers here where it's on sale atm. https://www.versobooks.com/books/3743-tomorrow-sex-will-be-good-again Get yourself a Comrade tote back to carry it in while you're there.
You can also get my book from this indie bookshop as well as any others https://uk.bookshop.org/books/can-we-talk-about-consent/9780711256545
We also mentioned my book with Meg-John which is now known as A Practical Guide to Sex https://uk.bookshop.org/books/a-practical-guide-to-sex-finally-helpful-sex-advice/9781785783876
If you want to chat about the show with likeminded listeners (and also support the show) please support the Patreon from just £1 a month and you can access our Discord server.
And if you have any questions for an upcoming advice episode do send them to me via here in the direct message option or email to culturesexrelationships at gmail dot com
Justin
This week we do Freak Nasty: which is both a jam and a bop according to Eleanor. It's an extremely interesting sex jam which flips subjectivities and desire whilst also being extremely interested in non-reproductive forms of sexual activity. As with all the Culture Sex Relationships episodes, this is for over 18s. We swear in this one.
In the extra version for Patrons there is a few more minutes chat about the song and also we watch the video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNVuhP8ehdo
Hope you like it!
Justin
Here are the questions and some of the links I mentioned
"Everyone I know and everyone I follow on social media is very pro-vaccines and so I kind of go along with the crowd on this one, without really knowing much, something I’m not proud of and want to change. All of the discourse I see online is very loud and angry and - I’m sure it’s with good reason - but I struggle to build my own stance on it based on this.
I was wondering if you could answer something along the lines of ‘How can we practice consent in discussing and making choices around vaccines whilst also protecting each other and especially the most vulnerable in our society?’
I know it’s a big and sensitive topic (especially at the moment) so totally okay if it’s not something you want to tackle right now but thought I’d put it out there just in case." Freedoms and Covid https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/freedoms-and-covid/ Herd immunity https://www.who.int/news-room/q-a-detail/herd-immunity-lockdowns-and-covid-19 Vaccine hesistancy https://www.bmj.com/content/372/bmj.n513 Going with the cognitive grain paper https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.01483/full
“I work with teenagers in my private practice and run a training course for counsellors wishing to work with C & YP I wonder if you could discuss the following question in an 'Ask Justin' show if you feel it would interest your patreons. How to support under 21's in consensual decision-making re sex? I am particularly interested in the decision-making or not of those YP who say the following
' I have to have sex or they will tell everyone at school I won't' ' It's what you do to keep a relationship' 'blow jobs aren't sex and they are expected of course' I am struck by the lack of their knowledge around consent and choice.”
https://www.bishuk.com/can-we-talk-about-consent/ https://www.bishuk.com/tag/consent/ https://bishtraining.com/product/the-consent-teaching-pack/
“In response to your invitation for questions for the podcast, I was thinking recently that maybe it's time to query user guides. I think to the extent that they help people reflect and focus on their own needs and desires, it's really helpful. But I think the concept is a bit limiting. It risks fixing people's understanding of their sexuality, and propagating quite a static model of it.
If you understand your sexuality is something that evolves over time, and connecting with another person as something that has a possibility of revealing different aspects of it, I'm not sure how user guides could do this justice?”
Our zines https://megjohnandjustin.com/publications/ Our episode on this https://megjohnandjustin.com/you/writing-our-own-scripts/
Deleuze and Guattari episode https://culturepowerpolitics.org/podcasts/ Also latest ACFM https://soundcloud.com/novaramedia/acfm-trip-14-desire
It’s a Sin Review
This week I was delighted to be joined by Silva Neves to talk about It’s A Sin, which is a very popular mini-series on Channel 4 (available to watch here) https://www.channel4.com/programmes/its-a-sin
What did we think about the show? As viewers and also our thoughts about the show from our perspectives: psychosexual therapist, sex and relationships educator.
Here’s my sex education guide to the show for young people https://www.bishuk.com/your-call/a-sex-and-relationships-guide-to-its-a-sin/
You can get in touch with Silva at: www.silvaneves.co.uk If you want to train in clinical sexology: https://www.theinstituteofsexology.org/
Here are the rough notes that we followed for the show.
HIV and homophobia (as I say at the beginning of the episode, we focused on homophobia because that was the focus of the show, but clearly there was also explicit biphobia and racism in the reporting of and handling of the pandemic in the 80s and now)
Homophobia increased during the 80s, HIV weaponised by the press and to an extent government in this This homophobia is still with us around HIV and also sex addiction, chemsex ‘the new gay plague’. Problematising sex.
Sex Sexual norms Condoms Sexual scripts of what counts as gay eroticism and gay sexuality (what they open up and close down) ‘Real’ sex & ‘real’ gay masculinities and ‘Real’ sex and ‘real’ heterosexualities too (eg Bridgerton) Characters The extent to which they are representative of characters today. Apart from treatment and healthcare, what might be different today? Some more community minded than others (range of different politics).
In the extended version we discussed (for another 20 mins or so):
Grief and trauma The erasing of sexualities and relationships at funeral Inability to grieve because of secrecy and shame The extent to which we still have this Hangover of the trauma of HIV
Importance of stories So many people were lost Difficult to talk about Loss of many potential ‘elders’ The importance of stories of collective joy and pleasure
I was delighted to be joined today to chat with Meg-John and Alex about their excellent new workbook 'Hell Yeah Self Care!' We chatted about: The importance of self care Why people critique self care Self care as political and anti-capitalist Wellbeing giving self-care a bad name Comparing self-care with the network of care we discussed in the Hologram episode The capacity for doing care and self-care is unfairly distributed Trauma and self-care Reflective self care The kindness cradle of slowness, gentleness, being enough, and consent
For the full discussion head to our Patreon where you can hear us chat for another 20 mins about: Somatic self-care Coronavirus, lockdowns and self care
It’s really excellent so please do buy it and have a go. It’s playful and interesting whilst also being challenging and gentle.
You can get it from most bookshops online, but here’s a nice indie queer publisher https://www.queerlit.co.uk/products/hell-yeah-self-care
Justin
"Hey! I want to say thanks for all your work — it’s great and I’ve recommended this podcast to a bunch of mates. You’re really doing a service here and I’m incredibly appreciative.
My question is kinda related to covid bubbles and covid horniness. Is it cool to ask someone you’re bubbling with if they want to have sex? Can you do this in a way which doesn’t mess up the delicate ecosystem of the bubble?/ leaves loads of room for them to say no? And in a way where you can maintain Vibes where you’re comfortable with hanging out whatever the outcome? It seems like there’s pros and cons but wondering what your take is and if you’ve any advice as to how to be really careful with consent around this question."
[I realise I answered this question assuming the bubbles live together when they might now, but I think the answer still works]
Here were my notes for the answer.
Change is inevitable, we're always changing. Even thinking this causes a change. Delicate eco system, how? What processes do you have in place to keep that? How have you navigated the changes? Are you all doing a little bit of work, in an embodied on-going way? Is one person doing a lot of work? What are the rules already about contact, intimacy, sexual chats, flirtation? What is implicit and what is explicit? What would destroy the eco system, what would enhance it? Are delicate eco systems always good? Is there a vibe? God I'm so horny, I wish I could date someone, have they changed sex, I'm so bored of wanking. No vibe no go. Useful to think about what you want from the sex. What kind of sexual, intimate, or sensual contact might do this? Think about what the home means. For some it's a place where it can feel sexy, for others it might really not. Familial warmth, sexy hot times. How might you employ different aspects of your relationship to be able to manage these often competing vibes? Think about your sexuality scale. What meanings does sex have for you? If you're someone who can have friendly sex just like watching a film with a friend or having dinner with them, cool. What about the others? How many are there in a bubble? Who do you want to be involved with? Think about the broader eco system beyond the bubble? Is this just a break glass on case of emergency? What happens after? Is it a fantasy of yours? Acting on crushes - booof First question. I was wondering how you felt about the living situation and how we get on. Open it up to be about all things in the eco system and what's on offer. Say what you want. Having a vague notion that might be up for some sexy times with them is good because if you don't ask you don't get. Ask in a way where there is a range of possible options. Give space and time and allow for awkwardness. If it's not awkward it probably means that someone is going along with something to make you feel at ease. Notice what's going on for you after you've put it out there. What does everyone want the sex to do for them? Something new, excitement, to feel desired, orgasm/pleasure, be in a different headspace, transcend, intense relaxation, to be in a completely different power dynamic (owned, or not in control, not making decisions, sub space) etc. Transactional. One person doing it for another. Expand the range of erotic possibilities that best meet these needs. Start with a couple of things you're both keen on. Red flags for you about sex but also about maintaining the eco system afterwards? Places. Things said. Roles. Sense of an event. A before during after. User guide volume knobs. If you're turning one thing up, do you need to turn other things down? More solo time?
This week we do one of the best Sex Jams of all time Sexual Healing, by the incredible Marvin Gaye. We love this song so much but have you ever read the lyrics? Marvin is really ill and should not be having sex with anyone, in our opinion.
Anyway the song still rocks and the video is amazing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjlSiASsUIs If you would like to hear our commentary on the video check out the extended Patreon version of this episode at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships Pay whatever you can afford.
Justin
In this episode I’m joined by my pal Sara, to review the Netflix show Bridgerton. Over 63 million people have watched it and apparently it’s the 5th most popular Netflix show of all time.
We chatted about race briefly but we focussed on the relationships and sex themes, as the multi-racial casting and inadequate treatment of racism has been covered by others in more detail already. For example this piece https://gal-dem.com/bridgerton-racism-netflix-post-racial-britain/ and this one https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/2020/12/10244616/bridgerton-review-blackness-representation
We covered:
Romance novels and sexist criticisms of their readership Romance tropes (fake relationship, big misunderstandings) Shame and purity norms Patriarchy How characters did or didn’t have agency in a system with such unjust and scarce capacity for freedom Masturbation and agency Painful first time sex tropes The hegemony of reproductive sex Sexual harms and violence vs legalistic readings of consent
Hope you enjoy it! To hear the whole discussion head to patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
Justin
PS I'm going to start doing some more advice shows again soon. So please send me your questions about sex and relationships to the new email address culturesexrelationships at gmail dot com
This week I chatted with Cassie Thornton and her work 'The Hologram'. The Hologram is a viral, social technology to help us to give and receive peer to peer support for our health. Health here being the biopsychosocial model of health that we've covered in previous episodes.
It's such an excellent, simple, and radical idea and is rooted in solidarity and community building. A workbook for how to create your own Hologram, and why it's necessary, has been published by Pluto Press https://www.plutobooks.com/9780745343327/the-hologram/ I read it a few weeks ago and found it really interesting and wanted you to know about it.
Join us in our Patreon to hear the full version of this conversation (another 25 mins) where we talk about consent, friendships, masculinities, and self-care and podcasts.
patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
Let's all watch the video to Last Christmas by Wham! together. It's definitely not a sex jam, but there's an interesting relationship dynamic in the video that we talk about. We explain how you can watch this along with us and when to pause, so we can chat about the various meaningful looks, the brooch, and how beautiful George is.
https://youtu.be/E8gmARGvPlI
Support us on Patreon!
patreon.com/GoingMedieval patreon.com/Culturesexrelationships
Have a Christmas!
Justin and Eleanor.
This week I chatted with Elsie Whittington about consent education. We've both been working on this a lot recently so it was a mutual chat rather than an interview. We chatted about how consent should be embedded rather than being a discrete subject. The problems with binary and legalistic models of consent. How continuums and spectrums can open up the topic and allow for people to understand how it might work in real life scenarios. The importance of embodiment and agency and how structures (schools, unis, workplaces) can make consent harder.
Elsie is a lecturer and youth worker at the Manchester Centre for Youth Studies, Manchester Metropolitan University. She is one of the leading voices in consent education as part of sexuality and relationship education for young people. Her excellent paper Rethinking consent with continuums: sex, ethics and young people, is published in the journal Sex Education by Routledge.
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14681811.2020.1840343
My book, Can We Talk About Consent? A book about freedom, choices, and agreement. Written for young adults, it aims to go beyond basic, binary and legalistic notions of consent and expands the definition to talk about agency, power, choices, social scripts, collective agency, solidarity, privilege and empowerment. Lots of practical advice about how to put consent into practice using everyday examples.
https://www.bishuk.com/can-we-talk-about-consent/
To hear the full show, sign up to patreon.com/culturesexrelationships from just $1 a month.
First of all, there's an announcement about the show and why we've re-branded from 'Meg-John & Justin' to 'Culture Sex Relationships'
Then we have episode 3 of Sex Jams! This one is about 2 Become 1 by the Spice Girls. We discuss consent, heterosex gender norms, courtly love, intimacy vs sex, intentional relationships.
In the extended Patreon cut at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships we discuss how it's our first safer sex jam. Also, is it really a sex jam? Is it a Christmas song? Is Christmas sexy?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA5jsa1lR9c&list=OLAK5uy_nrV_8KYy40fx7MwiJuvbWEprzZEs2UfDY
Hope you like it!
Justin
In episode 2 we chat about One Minute Man, by Missy Eliot, featuring Ludacris and Trina. We discuss the narratives around premature ejaculation, desire, masculinities, objectification, and oral. Eleanor raps the Ludacris verse, which is amazing. Justin soberly reads out the Trina verse, which is perfunctory at best.
The video for the 'dirty' version of the song is here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-CJXwQJZaM
The official music video has all of the rude words taken out which also removes all meaning from the song and our podcast would make no sense, but that's here if you want to see Missy dancing and Ludacris doing something strange with bed pans https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XayUCLgxS5c
A new podcast as part of the Meg-John & Justin universe!
'Sex Jams' is where a sex educator and a sex historian discuss songs to do with sex. Justin and Eleanor this week start with George Michael's 'I Want Your Sex'. There is some singing and one of us is clearly better at that than the other.
If you want to familiarise yourself with the song first, the full 'monogamy mix' is on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yz-EBKHOfWc You're welcome.
This time on the podcast we attempted to normalise the tough feelings that most of us are having at this phase of the Covid-19 pandemic (going into Autumn/Fall 2020). Using the ‘Phases of Disaster’ model we framed our current moment as the long ‘disillusionment’ phase which may last months or even longer. We talked about why it’s really okay to not feel okay right now, and what we might do with our feelings of not-okayness. patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
Here's us chatting about consent in romantic relationships. We originally did this for our Patreon feed, so they've been able to listen to this for ages now. Lucky them! Join now from just $1.20 a month patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
This time on the podcast we discussed kindness. Here on our free feed you can listen to our overview of what kindness is and why it’s so important. Then please check out our Patreon to listen to part two of this conversation where we chatted more about how to be kind. patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
[Sorry the sound isn't as great as usual]
Earpal Questions
This time on the podcast we answered four listener questions. Here’s a few notes on the questions and our answers. They relate to (1) changing support dynamics in friendship, (2) navigating a reconnecting relationship with an ex, (3) dealing with intrusive thoughts, (4) unhelpful friend’s responses to a shift in gender of partner. patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
Bonus episode mid-week episode where we talked about our awesome new bingo card, put together by the fabulous Katie Green. Katie is a wonderful illustrator, and podcaster and zine-maker, who touches on similar themes to us at times, but also writes about knitting and sewing. You might enjoy her most recent comic about ace joy and relationship hierarchies.
Feel free to play bingo along with our episodes sometime and tag us on #mjandjbingo with the results. Head over to the website to download it. https://megjohnandjustin.com/uncategorised/bingo/
patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
Sociological review playlist: The Meg-John and Justin desert island discs
This time on the podcast we talked about our desert island discs - the songs that we most relate to our Meg-John and Justin project. The prompt for this was that the online journal The Sociological Review asked us to be part of their ‘Music and Sound’ themed month (July 2020) where twelve sociologists provide them with a 'sociological' playlist.
Full blog and tracklist at megjohnandjustin.com
patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
We talked about sadness, sorrow, grief, mourning and melancholia. How can we be with sadness and use it to help us to connect with ourselves and others, and mobilize us towards justice? And how can we avoid shutting down on sadness, or giving up in the face of overwhelming grief?
Full blog post and links at https://megjohnandjustin.com/you/sadness/
In this edition of the podcast we thoroughly unpacked the recent TV show Normal People. For an overview of advice about sex, relationships, and ourselves - based on the show - check out Justin’s post over on BishUK.
We agreed that we felt ambivalent about the show. While it depicted some things beautifully and profoundly, it also reproduced and reinforced some normative narratives - and engaged in forms of tokenism and erasure - in ways we found problematic.
patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
This time on the podcast we talked about anger. How can we be with anger and use it to help us to hold our boundaries and mobilize us towards justice? And how can we avoid reacting out of it in ways that manifest as aggression, violence, or hatred (whether turned inwards towards ourselves or outwards towards other people)?
Read the full article over at megjohnandjustin.com
patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
This time on the podcast we answered a listener’s question: What is this neoliberalism (that we often mention) and how does it relate to sex and relationships.
Read the full show notes / blog at the website megjohnandjustin.com
patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
Justin was joined by Joana Ramiro, a freelance journalist. We chatted about a concept which Joana calls Radical Hygge. About how in this moment of coronavirus we might think of ways to collectively organise our lives so that we can have the flexibility, capacity, and opportunities to have better lives.
The twitter thread that started this conversation is here https://twitter.com/JoanaRamiroUK/status/1239148454485557249
Joana also makes podcasts about left wing journalism 'Red Hacks' the latest episode of that is here https://soundcloud.com/poltheoryother/redhacks-socialism-football-and-when-sports-journalism-turns-radical-w-suzanne-wrack
Here's the Craig Gent article about supermarket logistics https://novaramedia.com/2020/03/23/when-logistics-run-out-of-time/
Here's a podcast with David Graeber about Bullshit Jobs https://soundcloud.com/novaramedia/novarafm-david-graeber-bullshit-jobs-direct-democracy-the-end-of-capitalism
Remember that every other episode is for Patrons only. So if you want to hear me and MJ chatting about solo sex (for a total of 2 hours) and for a watchalong of Groundhog Day you need to sign up from just $1 per month patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
Justin x
This time on the podcast we went through the different kinds of love - as suggested by the Ancient Greeks - to consider how each of those might be done in the time of Covid-19.
patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
Special bonus episode for this week. Today on the podcast we talked about how to deal with the stress that a lot of us are experiencing around Covid-19. Read more about this at our website megjohnandjustin.com
patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
This episode of the podcast was a Corona virus special where we reflected on the issues that the virus raises for consent, from the micro level of self-consent to the macro level of wider culture and societal systems and structures, and everything in between. The podcast should be useful whenever you’re listening to it though as most of our points are generally applicable to sickness and consent rather than specific to Corona.
patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
A while back a listener asked us to do a podcast to help people who were worrying that they might be a sex addict. MJ decided to do an interview with their friend Dominic Davies - the head of Pink Therapy - who has a critical perspective, and lots of expertise, about sex addiction.
In the podcast Dominic updated MJ on where the diagnostic terms relating to sex addiction were at, why he is still cautious about using the term, why it should be ‘principles’ instead of ‘act’ focused, and what people can do if they are concerned about their sexual desires or behaviours.
Head to megjohnandjustin.com for the blog with all the links
patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
We're having a couple of weeks off the podcast to catch up with other stuff #gentleness. In the meantime please enjoy our first ever episode for our Patreon feed, a watch-along of Four Weddings and a Funeral. Listen to us chatting about relationship hierarchies, love, and how boring Charlie and Carrie are.
If you want these Patreon specials you need to sign up at patreon.com/culturesexrelationships from just $1 per month. Thanks to everyone who has already signed up. With your help we can make more podcasts.
Anyway on with the show. "They're writing songs of love, but not for ..."
In this (long) episode we chatted about disagreeing with people. Firstly we talked about the differences between disagreements and challenging prejudice. Then we chatted about how to disagree with people, why disagree, when to disagree, and when it's okay to not argue with someone.
patreon.com/culturesexrelationships
We chatted a bit about what's been going on for us personally this year. Then we went through some of the podcasts titles we've done this year (both here and on our Patreon)to see whether we have taken our own advice or not. After that we chatted about what we'd like to do with the podcast and our plans for 2020.
Here are a couple of our other New Year's Eve related podcasts https://soundcloud.com/megjohnjustin/are-you-struggling-with-new-years-resolutions https://soundcloud.com/megjohnjustin/we-watch-when-harry-met-sally
And don't forget that every other podcast is for Patrons. You can subscribe to these from just $1 per month at patreon.com/megjohnandjustin
Happy New Year!
Meg-John and Justin xxx
This week on the podcast we spoke about our feelings after the recent UK election, and about how people might cope in the aftermath of cultural events like this which can leave us feeling very precarious indeed.
In this show we talked about how you can be accountable when a friend or other person in your life comes to you to say that they’ve been hurt in some way by your behaviour or choices. Head to our website https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/how-to-be-accountable for a blog post with all the links
This week on the podcast we addressed a listener’s question about how we might go about knowing whether we are on the asexuality spectrum or whether our lack of sexual attraction is due to trauma in our life which perhaps we should address. See the full blog post and further links at our website megjohnandjustin.com
Back in June we did a couple of episodes about how to make friends. We thought we’d follow up with one for our Patrons about being intentional in ongoing friendships, and one for everyone about friendship endings.
This time on the podcast Meg-John interviewed Elsie Whittington. Elsie is a researcher at Manchester Met Uni who did her PhD on consent and studies youth sexuality.
For the podcast episode Elsie and MJ decided to focus on awkwardness because this was such a big theme in Elsie’s research that it ended up being a whole chapter of her thesis.
This week on Meg-John & Justin we podcasted about when to go to therapy. We covered the signs that therapy might be useful, what to expect from therapy, what it opens up and closes down, and how to engage with therapy once you get there. We’re using ‘therapy’ here to cover therapy, counselling, coaching, and these kinds of related practices where you sit with somebody - usually one-to-one - and talk about your life.
This podcast we cover what journaling is, why people might do it as a form of self-care or self-reflection, and the different ways you can go about it. https://megjohnandjustin.com/you/journaling/
We chat about how to break up the band and how to manage endings. We also chat about our favourite band break ups in history.
(Sorry about the annoying buzzing noise during it. That was Justin's neighbour's buzzer.)
The last two weeks on the podcast we tackled the subject of self-love, or loving ourselves. Last week we focused on what self-love means, why we often struggle to do it, and why it’s important. This week we talk about how you can go about bringing self-love into your life. More at our website https://megjohnandjustin.com/you/self-love/
If you are missing our weekly podcasts, you need to sign up to our Patreon. Every other podcast will be for subscribers only and our tiers start at $1 http://www.patreon.com/megjohnandjustin The more of you subscribe, the more we can do with our podcasts.
The next two weeks on the podcast we tackle the subject of self-love, or loving ourselves. This week we focus on what it means, why we often struggle to do it, and why it’s important. Next week we talk about how you can go about bringing self-love into your life. For the blog head to our website megjohnandjustin.com
If you are wondering why we're quieter than usual on this feed, it's because we have another podcast feed for our Patrons. To subscribe to that (based on your ability to pay) head to patreon.com/megjohnandjustin
MJJ
This is a brief preview of our Four Weddings and a Funeral watch along episode. Available now in full from our new(and affordable)Patreon patreon.com/megjohnandjustin
Thanks!
Sex discrepancies or sexual incompatibility refers to having different levels of desire in a relationship: one person wanting sex more or less than the other/s. It can be about wanting different types of sex too - which is connected, but we’re focusing more on levels of desire for sex in this podcast.
Head to our website for a really excellent blog on this too.
(We recorded this a few weeks ago - in a pub)
This week on the podcast we unpack NRE: How it differs from a crush, what it closes down, and what it might open up - if we think about it differently.
NRE refers to the kinds of excited, fizzy, loved-up, kiddy, somewhat obsessed, feelings we can have at the start of a relationship: usually a romantic and/or erotic relationship. It’s similar to the ‘honeymoon period’: the sense that the early days of a relationship might be particularly loving, romantic, passionate, and easy, compared to the rest. ‘Falling in love’ might capture something similar to NRE: the idea it is a crazy time of hot, rollercoaster emotions.
Here's the excellent blog post for it https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/new-relationship-energy-nre/
And here's the second part of our 'How to Make Friends' podcast. In this one we try to be a bit more practical and reflect on some of the things we can do to make friends and to make it easier for others to do the same. We chat a bit about our origin story too. For more check out the blog https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/how-make-friends/
How to make friends: Part 1, why it’s tricky
[I reuploaded this episode because the last two minutes were cut off. Sorry about that. Justin]
This is a two-parter podcast and blog post about how to make friends. We realise at Meg-John & Justin we often follow a similar structure whatever we’re talking about which goes something like this:
This stuff is really hard because wider culture gives us all the wrong messages about it and neoliberal capitalism likes us to individualise all our struggles and think there’s something wrong with us So finding it super tough is 100% understandable and normal and don’t give yourself a hard time Here’s how you might do this thing in a different way to normative culture which could work better Here’s some things to watch out for And by the way remember that it’s super hard and understandable that you don’t find it easy or get it ‘right’ all the time. Go gently with yourself
So this podcast goes something like…
Part 1 Making friends is really hard because there’s no script for it, representations of friendships make it look like it should be really easy, most of us have very little time to nurture friendships because of work (#capitalism), and we’re taught to prioritise other kinds of relationships (romantic and family) So finding making friends super tough is 100% understandable and normal and don’t give yourself a hard time
Part 2 Here’s some ways we could make and develop friendships by tuning into what we’re looking for from friend relationships, and cultivating connections to intentionally and consensually develop them into friendships And by the way remember that it’s super hard and understandable that you don’t find it easy or get it ‘right’ all the time. Go gently with yourself
In part 1 we reflected how young and old people are often expected to be able to be friends with everyone of the same age as them - we just put them together and expect them to get on. For adults there’s hardly any script for making and maintaining friendships. We’re meant to prioritise romantic and family relationships over friendships. There’s a sense that friendships should just happen and not require any work which is a problem because they’re not that easy for most people, and not that consensual if we just ‘do’ friendship without ever reflecting on it. There’s also ableism and neurotypical privilege involved in the expectation that everybody will find it easy to engage in social situations, automatically know how to develop friendships, etc.
Where wider culture does represent friendship it is in a very idealised way. TV shows from Friends to the Big Bang Theory are based on close, tight friendship groups where people have lots of fun and joy and hang out together. Movies often depict besties and buddies who have easy, close relationships. All this presents a model of what friendships should look like which doesn’t suit everyone (some people prefer multiple one to one friendships to a group, or non-hierarchical friendships, for example), and it continues to make it look like friendship is easy when actually it’s just as complex as any other kind of relationship - with the added challenge of there not being much of script of how to do it: making friends, maintaining friendships, and ending friendships.
Everything can be harder still when you have fewer friends to start with - for example if friendship is an area you find difficult, if you’ve just moved where you’re living or working, or if you’ve recently lost some friendships. When it feels like potential friendships are scarce, and/or when you feel low in confidence and scared of rejection, the whole area can become more loaded and fraught.
So how can we go about making friends in this tough territory? More on that in Part 2.
We went to see the Kiss My Genders art exhibition at London's Hayward Gallery in the Southbank Centre last Friday and we had a chat about what we thought about it. We think it's an important show and well worth seeing.
More details about it here https://www.southbankcentre.co.uk/whats-on/130821-kiss-my-genders-2019
Following from our ‘horny all the time’ podcast, this podcast explores what we might do if we are wanting to be more horny.
Read more about this at our blog https://megjohnandjustin.com/sex/wanting-to-be-more-horny/
This time on the podcast we talked about an emotion that doesn’t get much coverage: joy. In wider culture there’s often a sense that it’s only okay to experience and express ‘positive’ emotions like happiness and joy (although we don’t spend a lot of time thinking critically about these feelings). That’s why when people ask how we are the default response is often something like ‘good’, ‘fine’ or ‘mustn’t grumble’. Visit megjohnandjustin.com for the blogpost.
This episode we responded to a listener question about PDAs. They were particularly concerned about how to navigate PDAs in a non-monogamous relationship: to what extent is it acceptable for their partner to be physically affectionate with another partner in a social situation when they are also around?
Check out the website for a blog post about this too
We needed to do something fun for us, so we decided to watch one of our favourite rom coms together and record what we said. So think of this like us providing a commentary like what you get on DVDs. If you'd like to watch along with us (it's available on Netflix and Amazon Prime at the moment) we give you a countdown at the beginning. We watch it with the sound off so MJ does all of the singing. We have no idea whether you'll like this or not, so let us know! Back to our usual podcasts from next week.
This episode we addressed a question sent in by a listener about talking about sex with their friend. Specifically they wanted to know what to do when most of their conversations with their friend revolve around sex, sometimes around other people and in workplace contexts, and they would like to talk about other topics sometimes too. Full show notes at our website megjohnandjustin.com
On the podcast this time we talked about the importance of being aware of values in relationships, and how this can be challenging particularly when our values differ, or become more different over time.
To read a neat blog about this, head over to http://www.megjohnandjustin.com
[Little content note: we mention rape but we don't go into any detail at all. Also it's a bit more sweary than our usual podcasts, if you or anyone near you doesn't like swearing.]
We thought we'd create a thread of episodes where one of us chats with interesting people in the world of sex, relationships, sexuality, and gender. In the first of these, Justin chats with Dr Eleanor Janega, who is a kick arse medieval historian.
We chat about a theory which Eleanor has been working on about the ways we see sex as an objectified commodity and where these tropes may have come from. So learn about Thomas Aquinas (little Tommy Quine Quine), logical sex, the dangers of sexual arousal, and how they all relate to Incels.
We bring the chat to an end by reflecting on how us and you, dear, gentle listener, might think about our language around sex. Perhaps we too think about sex as an object to be got, rather than as an activity we may take part in (and perhaps even enjoy).
Check out Eleanor's website https://goingmedievalblog.wordpress.com and see her excellent twitter game https://twitter.com/GoingMedieval
What do I do if I’m horny all the time?
This time on the podcast we addressed the issue of what to do if you feel horny a lot of the time.
The first thing we considered was whether it is a problem. We may get the message that there’s an acceptable level of horniness to have and that it isn’t okay to be more or less horny than that, but the reality is that there’s huge diversity between people in how horny they feel (from not at all to lots) and it also fluctuates a lot within any individual person over time. Also we may well feel bad about it because of wider cultural shame and stigma, or because people in our lives are shaming us for it, rather than because it is a problem for us. If we are comfortable with it, and if we’re acting on it only in consensual ways, then it’s okay.
Whether we have a problem or not we might find it useful to understand it better. As with all things in life horniness is biopsychosocial. That means that it is at the level it is because of a complex mixture of the way our body works (bio), the things that have happened - and are happening to us (psycho), and the cultural messages around us (social). For example, if somebody feels less horny in their 50s, this could be due to a mixture of the cultural messages about libido declining over time or older people being less attractive, to the hormonal shifts in their body, and due to specific situations they’re going through (such as a relationship difficulty, or their work becoming very busy, or a worsening chronic pain condition). Many people who take HRT in the form of testosterone feel more horny than before, but this can be due to the expectation of becoming hornier, to feeling more comfortable in their body, to genital enlargement meaning that area is stimulated more, or to changes in their lives that they make which give them more outlet for horniness, as well as to the direct impact of the hormone itself. People also respond differently to different situations, such as some people becoming more horny when grieving and others becoming less so.
Why might some people struggle to feel highly horny? Here are a few common reasons: Shame because of cultural messages and/or the kinds of things they’re thinking about (see our zine on Erotic Fantasies for more about this) Judgement from others Being horny that much is distracting them from being present to other things Doing something about the horniness is taking time away from others things It creates difficulties because of an imbalance in a relationship (e.g. one person much more horny than another, or relationship agreements forbidding acting on the horniness) (more about this in our other zines and in Enjoy Sex)
As with sex more widely, it’s worth thinking about what needs might be being expressed by the horniness. It can be as simple as ‘I feel turned on’, but horniness can sometimes also be a manifestation of other needs/desires, for example: Needing to move the body or have some physical exertion Wanting to soothe yourself or be kind to yourself in an embodied way - perhaps because things are tough Desiring a creative outlet Needing another kind of release but not being able to allow that (e.g. crying, laughing, anger, etc.) Wanting some kind of intimacy or human contact
Find the full blog post at megjohnandjustin.com
In this special episode Meg-John Barker and Alex Iantaffi answer a series of questions about all things non-binary posed by their publisher, Jessica Kingsley, to celebrate LGBT History Month in the UK and their upcoming book, Life Isn't Binary (to be published in May 2019). https://www.amazon.co.uk/Life-Isnt-Binary-Beyond-Between/dp/1785924796/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1550678081&sr=8-1&keywords=life+isn%27t+binary
The full transcript of the episode can be found here http://genderstories.buzzsprout.com/156032/960367-non-binary-everything
Saying I love you (this was meant to be out a couple of weeks ago but between us we've been ill/injured. Sorry about that)
In the lead up to Valentine’s day, on the podcast we discuss saying ‘I love you’ and how it can be done consensually. In wider culture it’s generally assumed that if somebody feels love they should say ‘I love you’ without thought of the potential impact, it’s regarded as a bigger deal than expressing other feelings towards somebody, there is pressure to say it by a certain point in a relationship, it’s seen as romantic to surprise somebody with these words (e.g. in an anonymous Valentine), and if one person says it the other person is expected to say it back.
None of this is very consensual to ourselves or others.
We might think of love more as an action than a feeling - as bell hooks suggests - and instead of focusing on naming the feeling we could consider what might demonstrate love most to a person. If they don’t reciprocate that feeling then this may be more about what we don’t do than what we do. We also need to speak in their love language - finding out what feels loving to them rather than doing what we assume they will like.
If we tune into our feelings in a consensual way we might find that there are others which are as - or even more - meaningful to express than love, such as gratitude, appreciation, fondness, excitement, heat, safety.
We can take the pressure off ‘I love you’ by doing it differently. We give examples of partners saying ‘I think I love you a little bit’, or saying ‘I love you’ from different parts of themselves at the different moments when those parts felt that way.
Going back to the idea we often talk about where there are many different kinds of love we can take the focus off romantic partners, recognising that we can experience micro-moments of love with lots of people. Perhaps love is any moment of profound connection where the sense of a split between ourself and the other person drops away for a minute. How might we cultivate such moments in relationships? How might we celebrate all kinds of love - consensually - on Valentine’s day?
Also, we're toying with the idea of having a patreon only feed for podcasts. Let us know what you think about that idea and what kind of stuff you might like.
Love
Meg-John & Justin xx
This time on the podcast we discussed ‘what’s love?’ and not just as an excuse to revisit eighties/nineties classic tunes. With Valentine’s approaching what do we mean by love, and why might we celebrate it (or not)?
First of all we talked about love being biopsychosocial - not just about ‘chemistry’. Biological processes involved in the feeling of love are inextricably linked to the social messages that we’ve received about what it means to be in love and what it should feel like, and our psychological experiences through life which leave us with templates and scripts for how love plays out for us. Learning to love in particular ways will mean that we experience the physical feelings of love in certain ways (e.g. as exciting, or overpowering, or transcendent, or scarily out of control), and it will also set up our bodies and brains to respond in certain ways (moving towards, or away from, those feelings, for example).
We explored how cultural messages encourage us to allow ourselves fall into love and go fast when it comes to falling, but we could think about love as anywhere on a spectrum from fast to slow, and from allowing to intentional. That doesn’t mean that slow, intentional love is somehow better than fast, allowing love, but that there are options here. We can think about the shape of our life when we start to have love feelings, which ones we might follow and in what ways, and what pace to go at.
When we looked up ‘what is love?’ pop songs they often link love to pain and fear of getting hurt by love. We talked about how hard it is in love not to treat somebody as an object: expecting them to rescue you or validate you or give you ongoing security, for example.
bell hooks’s book All About Love suggests that - in order to be love - it has to be given freely (not in demand of something back), and on the basis that both/all people involved are equally valuable. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_About_Love:_New_Visions
As always, we question the privileging of prioritising romantic love over other kinds and wonder about what it would be like to value multiple forms of love equally this Valentine.
You can buy our zine, Make Your Own Relationship User Guide https://megjohnandjustin.com/product/make-your-own-relationship-user-guide/
We had a chat about New Year's Resolutions today and recorded it. Advice for you here about how you can relate to changes and resolutions that might be a bit kinder and more useful to you.
By the way, come and take part in a workshop with us at the Barbican on Thursday 17th Jan. https://www.barbican.org.uk/whats-on/2019/event/modern-couples-make-your-own-relationship-rules
Coming out at Christmas, or telling friends and family big news about us at holiday or other important times.
Hello dear listener.
We had a chat with Dr Rachel O'Neil (@DrRachelONeil on twitter) about her book 'Seduction. Men, Masculinity and Mediated Intimacy' which you can buy here http://politybooks.com/bookdetail/?isbn=9781509521555 So we chatted about what the seduction industry is, why it's not seduction 'communities', what it is that this industry offers (and doesn't offer men)and why men are attracted to it.
We also had a broader chat about masculinity, the idea of seduction, neoliberalism, romantic and sexual entreprenueriship. We ended with some advice for people who might be seduced into the seduction industry.
Do have a listen and if you like the show please tell your friends, like us and subscribe to us. You might also want to buy some of our publications which you can see at megjohnandjustin.com/publications
Over the summer we recorded a nice chat with the lovely people at Whistledown Productions for a documentary about consent on Radio 4. Presented by Jameela Jalil the New Age of Consent was about consent, sex and relationships post #MeToo and you can hear it here https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0bh4361 (we're mostly in this second episode).
The kind folk at Whistledown let us have the full audio of that interview so here it is. We think it will be a nice podcast for people who haven't heard us chatting before, particularly around consent and having more enjoyable sex. So do share it with people who you'd like to hear it.
We had a look around the Modern Couples exhibition at the Barbican https://www.barbican.org.uk/whats-on/2018/event/modern-couples-art-intimacy-and-the-avant-garde which is all about the relationship between art, avant garde and relationship models. We went round it to chat about the relationships and considered just how radical they were and what we can learn about this for ourselves.
Here’s the blurb from the exhibition: “Explore modern art and modern love; Modern Couples reveals how relationships can become a playground for creativity. Featuring the biggest names in Modern Art, Modern Couples explores creative relationships, across painting, sculpture, photography, design and literature. Meet the artist couples that forged new ways of making art and of living and loving. The exhibition illuminates these creative and personal relationships, from the obsessional and fleeting to the life-long.” It’s £16 and it’s on till 27th January 2019 and if you’re interested in relationship diversity and/or avant garde art, this is for you.
We did this because we are also running a workshop on 6th December 2018 at the Barbican. Buy tickets here https://www.barbican.org.uk/whats-on/2018/event/modern-couples-make-your-own-relationship-rules
'Modern Couples: Make Your Own Relationship Rules' Modern Couples demonstrated how artists at the beginning of the 20th century were taking the radical approach to their work and applying (at least some of) this radicalism to their personal relationships. Justin Hancock and Meg-John Barker are here to help you explore the different kinds of relationship models seen in the show and how we might navigate them today. From monogamy, to ethical non-monogamy, to relationship anarchy, and our relationship with ourselves, this friendly and practical workshop will give you helpful tools to help you with whatever kind of relationship style might work for you. The workshop is open to anyone, regardless of previous knowledge and experience. We hope it will be lively, interactive, fun and thought-provoking.
This time we explored the theme of relationship diversity, that is the range of different styles of relationships that exist. People often think about diversity when it comes to sexuality - and increasingly gender - but assume there’s only one or two ways of doing diversity.
We could see relationship diversity on a number of different dimensions. For example, there’s diversity in terms of where we’re at on a spectrum from monogamy to non-monogamy, and there’s diversity in terms of whether we prioritise certain kinds of relationships over others (like romantic ones) or whether we see diverse kinds of relationships as equally important in our lives.
It’s also important to remember that there’s just as much diversity under the umbrella of monogamy as there is under non-monogamy. For example, under monogamy comes serial and lifelong monogamy, monogamish relationships. Under non-monogamy come open relationships, polyamory of various forms, and secret infidelities. We might put dating, hook-ups, and friends-with-benefit arrangements somewhere between monogamy and non-monogamy.
All forms of relationship diversity are equally legitimate - like all forms of sexual and gender diversity - if they are done consensually. When we’re discussing our relationship styles it’s really important not to try to claim that ours is morally superior on the basis that it is more normative, for example, or more ‘right on’. Different things work for different people, and so long is it is consensual - and not being imposed on others - any style is legit.
If you’re in different places to another person around your relationship diversity a good starting point is mutual respect and the assumption that both your ways are equally legitimate. Then you can work to find a way forward together. What are the possibilities that meet both people’s needs?
To explore this more check out our zine, make your own relationship user guide.
You could also check out some of our other podcasts and blogs about this.
Hierarchies - here's one about the different kinds of hierarchies that we might encounter in relationships
Changing relationship agreements - how to go about making changes from one relationships style to another
What is Romance? (btw the place with the beer and cheese Justin talked about is in Leeds, called Friends of Ham)
Love Stories and Rom-Coms
This week we answer a question from a listener. "My sex therapist is talking about solo sex as part of our work - but I only want to do things with my partner."
Here our response and whether we should be having solo sex. You can see our summary blog about this at our website https://megjohnandjustin.com/sex/sex-therapist-talking-solo-sex-i-want-partnered-sex/
More about this episode at our blog
https://megjohnandjustin.com/writing-our-own-scripts
This week on the podcast we discussed whether self-care was a relationship responsibility and - if so - how we go about doing it.
We started with the fact that self-care is very challenging in our current world. It’s either put forward as quite a banal form of pampering which doesn’t require any self-reflection, or it’s put forward as ‘self-improvement’ which suggests that you need to perfect yourself and give yourself a hard time unless you’re doing all the different forms of self-care on top of everything else.
We think of self-care more as Audre Lorde spoke of it - as a political act that’s essential, both for surviving these tough times, and for ensuring that we’re part of the solution not part of the problem.
In relation to our close intimate relationships, practising self-care is often seen as selfish. Like it would be better to give all of ourselves to our close people and not need to look after ourselves. We talk about how this approach can lead to burn-out, resentment, and having nothing left to offer. Not self-caring is a bit like keeping going when you have a cold - you risk staying ill for longer and passing on the cold to others. We also talked about the phrase ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ (or is it jug?)
Self-care can help us to be more aware of our relationship patterns and to address them, rather than sliding back into them in ways that can hurt you and other people.
However, we can use the ideal of self-care in relationships in more negative ways. For example, we may use it to avoid dealing with issues with other people - just withdrawing into ourselves to cope with difficult things that crop up. When the issue is a relational one it’s important to deal with it with the other person rather than avoiding that in order to avoid being around their difficult feelings or our own vulnerability.
You can read more about how to do self-care on Justin’s website, and in Meg-John’s zine on the topic, and their recent blog post about identifying relationship patterns.
Content note. We chat about different kinds of pain and also talk a little bit about injury and trauma.
This podcast is all about pain and sex, with a focus on how to ensure that sex isn’t painful in ways that you don’t want it to be. We’ll do a future episode about how to bring pain or strong sensations into sex if that is something you want to do.
Here we chat about how we might go about enjoying penis in vagina sex more. Which is a bit of a radical departure for us, so we hope you find it useful.
Listen to this in tandem with the Enjoy Non-Genital Sex https://soundcloud.com/megjohnjustin/enjoy-non-genital-sex and you'll be on to a winner.
Also our Being Present For Sex video which we mention is here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oYaDYX8LCo
Trans and the GRA This week we spent the podcast talking about trans and the Gender Recognition Act (GRA) given that this is in the news so much at the moment.
More details (and links) at https://www.megjohnandjustin.com
This week on the podcast we tackled the issue of jealousy in answer to the following question…
Is jealousy healthy in a relationship? Or else, is the absence of jealousy unhealthy or even possible? If it is, how do we get there? If it's not, what do we do to manage it? And how do we know whether it comes more from us or the behaviour of other person?
Head over to megjohnandjustin.com to read our blog to accompany this episode.
MJ&J x
Cosmopolitan x Instagram created #AskMeThisNotThis campaign, which was created in collaboration with influential LGBTQ+ figures and explores the outdated and often offensive questions they’re sick of being asked. We were asked to record one of our podcasts at their final event. We thought it might be a nice thing to do for Pride Month so we did (we didn’t get paid, though we did have a couple of very tasty bento boxes).
On the panel were
Sade Giliberti - Gilberti is a South African TV presenter and works to raise awareness of LGBTQ issues: https://www.instagram.com/onesadie/
Hannah Winterbourne - In 2013, Hannah came out as a transgender woman and became the highest ranking transgender soldier within the British Army. As part of the Army LGBT Forum, she became the Army's Transgender Representative where she has responsibility to advise Senior Army commanders on transgender policy: https://www.instagram.com/hannahw253/
Jessica Kellgren Fozard - Jessica Kellgren-Fozard is a disabled, gay YouTuber who writes about life with wife Claudia: https://www.instagram.com/jessicaoutofthecloset/
We had a nice chat about labels, assumptions, identity, and social media.
Hopefully there’ll be a transcript of the discussion coming soon, which you’ll be able to find at megjohnandjustin.com
Here we chat with Alex Iantaffi our mate, who now hosts the wonderful podcast Gender Stories. You can search for this through the usual podcast platforms. He can also be found at http://genderstories.buzzsprout.com/ and on the twitters https://twitter.com/GenderStories and also on the instagrams as GenderStories.
It's a long one, but we didn't want to break it up because of plugging references (you'll hear).
In the podcast this week we talked around a topic that a listener had emailed in about: the wisdom of getting back together with somebody you’ve broken up with. They rightly pointed out that a lot of relationship advice says this is never a good idea, but that there are plenty of circumstances where it could work pretty well, for example if your needs and desires have become more compatible or if you’ve done some work on yourself in the meantime to bring you to a different place.
Staying with feelings in relationships In the last podcast we ended with a point about how it’s always okay for people to have the feelings they have, and that it’s important to cultivate the ability to stay with other people’s feelings: whether that be our friends, partners, or other people in our lives.
Staying with feelings is an idea MJ has written a lot about including this zine which goes through the reasons why it is important to learn to stay with our own feelings, and how we might go about it. Juz has also written about the important of staying with feelings when supporting people in our lives.
Generally if we can stay with feelings - or ourselves or another person - those feelings can be experienced and expressed and move through us. If we can’t stay with feelings then we often layer more feelings on top of the existing feelings as we try to eradicate or repress them, e.g. guilt about feeling sad, then worry about feeling guilty, then frustration about how anxious we feel. Trying to deny or get away from tough feelings often leads to way more tough feelings.
The basic idea to come back to is that all feelings are sensible and rational. It’s vital to let them be experienced.
On the podcast we suggested that, perhaps, level 1 staying with feelings is staying with our own strong or difficult feelings, level 2 is staying with those feelings of somebody else when they’re upset about something unrelated to us, and level 3 is staying with the feelings of somebody else when they’re upset about something we’ve done ourselves.
So imagining a scenarios where a friend or partner has strong feelings: what do we do?
Why is it hard to stay with their tough feelings? If their strong feelings are about us we can feel responsible for them and not want the strong feelings that invokes in us (e.g. guilt/shame) We may feel enmeshed or entwined with that person and want them to feel the same way we would in that situation, or struggle with the fact their feelings reveal that their values aren’t the same as ours We’re generally not comfortable around ‘negative feelings’ in our culture and want to fix or eradicate them so that everyone is feeling - or at least pretending to feel - happy
How can we stay with their tough feelings? Park the issue (if there is one between us) and focus on the feeling. Let them fully express it without trying to allocate blame onto us or to them Be on their side and really listen to what they have to say. Don’t think about how we might feel in that situation, but recognise that this is how they feel (with their life experiences and world view) Know when we have this to offer and when we don’t. For example, if we’re triggered too or too tired. Don’t try to do it then but make time when do have it to offer.
Changing relationship agreements over time We were inspired to do this podcast by a Dan Savage podcast where Dan suggested that a non-monogamous person starting a relationship with a monogamous person could always try a monogamous agreement for a while and then shift to a non-monogamous one.
We liked the ideas of seeing monogamy to non-monogamy as a spectrum that people could move around on over time. This is very much how we see it ourselves - check out our zine for more on this.
The rules or agreements that we make in our relationships can and should be constantly shifting, not something we lock into place forever. This is because both individuals and relationships change over time in all kinds of ways. More on this in MJ’s book Rewriting the Rules.
In the podcast we unpack two key ideas in relation to this: It’s okay for rules to change over time We should let others know if the rules are likely to change
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It’s okay for rules to change For example there are many reasons that we might decide that we have no capacity for further erotic and/or emotionally deep relationships right now. We might feel that all our capacity is taken up with one or more relationships that we already have. This might happen when we’re in new relationship energy, or when we have maxed out on the number of close relationships we can handle, for example. Or it might be that we have an illness, someone to care for, a big work project, or a trauma to deal with. During that time we might decide to be single, monogamous, polyfidelitous, or to only have casual encounters, in order to navigate that period. But it might well be that we want to open up more, or change the rules, once that period is over.
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We should let others know if the rules are likely to change Sometimes we have a pretty good idea that the rules or agreements we currently have in a relationship are likely to have to change at some point in the future. For example, we might be planning to have a kid or to move to another country, or we might be a monogamous person who is having friends-with-benefits relationships but only until we meet ‘someone’. It can be very painful to others in our lives if we don’t let them know that these things are on the cards, particularly if the change will mean a significant shift - or even ending - in our relationship. If you know that a change is likely to happen it’s good to be clear on that.
The final major point we discussed on the podcast is that it’s important to allow people to have the feelings they have around such changes. We often avoid telling people changes are coming, or avoid making changes that we need to make, because we feel hurting or angering people. Actually the trick is to get to a point where we do listen to our needs and make changes, and we communicate compassionately about that, because we can handle other people having their feelings: even if this thing we’re doing is resulting in sadness, grief, fear, or anger for them. It’s okay for you to change the rules, and it’s also okay for the other person to feel how they feel.
More on this in the next podcast on staying with other people’s feelings.
We tried to think of a really easy question for us to answer like 'what do I do if I need to fart whilst getting a blowjob?' But this being us, we unpacked this to talk about how we might navigate our use of the toilet when it comes to sex and relationships
This podcast covers the different ways to go about getting laid - having unpacked what that means, and how it might mean different things for different people of course.
Here's a bonus podcast with our hot take on Queer Eye (which is a show on Netflix that's right up in our wheel house - although Justin has no idea what a wheel house is, a house made of wheels?). What does it open up and what does it close down? This is one of those 'chatty chatty chats' rather than a 'trying to answer a question chat.'
We'll be back with another more regular podcast next week.
Content warning: In this post - and podcast - we discuss deliberately non-consensual behaviour. We don’t give any detailed descriptions, but we do touch on things like rape culture, the low conviction rate for sexual assault, and how people often make excuses for other peoples’ non-consensual behaviour. If these things feel live for you at the moment do please think about how to engage with this in a way that is kind and gentle with yourself - if you want to engage at all.
Hear our panel discussion with Girl On The Net about how to give sex advice (full title, how to give responsible sex advice). Read the blog here http://megjohnandjustin.com/sex/give-sex-advice/
We discuss how we might feel better about our bodies. So we touch on the social messages we get about bodies and this includes us talking about fatphobia, diets, 'health', disablism, but we don't go into much detail. It's a long one -- sorry about that.
In this podcast we decided to unpack romance… and kind of put it back together in a different form. By the end of the podcast we realised we’d followed a similar line to the line we follow with sex in our book Enjoy Sex (How, When and IF You Want To).
This week we answered a question about trauma and hookups on the podcast. A content note up front is that this episode does cover issues of sexual abuse/assault and trauma responses/PTSD. So if those things are live for you right now you might want to think about whether you want to listen or not. FYI we don’t go into any description of abuse or assault, we do have a bit more detail about possible trauma responses (fight, flight, and freeze) and what those can look like.
In this episode we explore how to go about having a hookup consensually, given that this has been in the headlines recently with the story about Aziz Ansari.
For this one we decided to take a leaf out awesome sex & relationships podcaster Dan Savage’s book and answer a few questions from listeners together on one show. Content warning: this episode begins with us singing our version of the Savage Lovecast theme song in an ahem beautiful homage to Dan Savage!
The podcast this time is all about how to make the festive season as consensual and self-caring as possible. http://megjohnandjustin.com/you/the-christmas-special
In this podcast we discuss the short story ‘Cat Person’ by Kristen Roupenian which appeared in The New Yorker last week and has been shared all over social media, partly due to its resonances with the recent #metoo campaign.
We’d recommend reading the story - or listening to the audio - before listening to the podcast. But we’d also like to give content notes (for both the story and for our discussion) that there are themes of non-consensual sex, fear of sexual violence, gender shaming and stereotypes, fatphobia, and whorephobia.
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/12/11/cat-person http://megjohnandjustin.com/cat-person
A quick companion piece to the latest podcast 'Sex Under The Weather' where we answer a listener's question about sex after injury.
This week on the podcast we focused on how to navigate sex when you’re feeling physically or emotionally under the weather or low, as many people do over the Winter period.
In this episode we chat about our work together in the light of really disappointing sales of our book. We reflect on our discussions we've been having lately about whether we should continue working together.
Post #MeToo we chatted some more about consent. Rather than making someone do something that we want them to do, what if our aim was consent? #consent #MJandJ
Recorded before #MeToo started trending again, we talk about power and consent in light of the recent Harvey Weinstein allegations. We don't talk about specifics but generally about power and consent and how this stuff is actually relevant to pretty much all relationships.
In this week’s podcast we answer the following question:
"I'm an older queer guy who's just started dating a really lovely trans man. Apart from talking to him, which we are doing, where can I get helpful advice and insight into my own "stuff"? I came out late in life - and I am not really used to a lot of the gay scene - which is probably an advantage!
Any advice or comments gratefully received :)"
Today we’re talking about having crushes on people when you can’t do anything about it. For example: if you work together; or they (or you) are in a monogamous relationship; or where there is a power dynamic for either of you which would make it impossible for it to be consensual; or if one of you is a dead hologram on a TV series and you are a school kid.
Content note: There’s brief mention of biphobic stereotypes, domestic abuse, and sexual assault in this post and podcast.
For Bi visibility week we talk about some of the issues that may come up for Bi folk in sex/relationships. The last 7 minutes are a total shambles but made us laugh.
It's Sexual Health Week this week and the focus here in the UK is on porn and how we can teach young people about it. Listen to us chat about whether porn is actually the sexual health issue that people often say it is and what the alternatives are.
We have a lovely chat with Alex Iantaffi about gender and about Alex and MJ's new book 'How to Understand Your Gender' which is really brilliant.
http://www.jkp.com/uk/how-to-understand-your-gender-2.html
This week we have a question "If people do decide that that they want to learn to be "better" at sex... How would you advise a woman who has enjoyable sex with her(female) partners but would better like to learn how to have more reliable/reproducible orgasms. Solo and with a partner."
So we don't describe ourselves as 'sex positive'. This might sounds pretty strange to you cos we've written a book called ‘Enjoy Sex’ which sounds pretty positive right? And surely we’re not negative about sex, which is the alternative to being positive? In this podcast and blog post we thought we’d explain what we understand by sex positivity - and sex negativity - and why we prefer something beyond either of these options, called being sex critical.
We chat about hierarchies of different kinds of relationships and why they might be bad for other relationships but also can be bad for that one at the top. You can read a blog/transcript of what we talked about here.
http://www.megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/hierarchies-meg-john-justin-podcast
Our guide to NO. Our latest offering in taking a very simple sounding thing and unpacking it to give you properly useful advice (rather than 'just say no' or 'no means no')
In this episode we chat about how you might explore different kinds of sex that don't involve your genitals. Not only is this good for people who are not into genital sex but it will also be great for people who are. Longer one than usual. Sorry (not sorry).
A recording of a panel discussion involving us and artist Aleksandra Karpowicz at St Barnabas House in London's Soho. We talked about her amazing project 'Let's Talk About Sex'. You can see the images here http://www.akarpowicz.co.uk/?portfolios=lets-talk-about-sex (nude images) and will probably get more out of the podcast if you check them out.
Justin and Meg-John also talk about fantasies, roles, sex advice, sex education and stuff.
How to deal with a discrepancy in desire in a long-term relationship? We have tons of advice in this podcast for you. If you like this, you'll LOVE our book Enjoy Sex (How, When and IF You Want To). megjohnandjustin.com/publications
Where we talk about Master of None series 2 and give some relationship advice to Dev. Dude needs to read about relationship anarchy and to buy our 'Make Your Own Relationship User Manual' zine.
Where we give advice about triggering, what it is and how to deal with it. Content note: we discuss different meanings of 'being triggered' and how to approach being triggered. We don't describe details of any experience, but there are brief mentions of potential triggers including sexual assault, racism, non-consensual behaviour, and war.
We were thrilled excited, exhilarated, but not orgasmic to have Girl On The Net join us for a pint and a chat! YAY! She told us about her exciting audio porn project and we chatted about erotic fantasies and porn and stuff.
Here we introduce our new zine 'Understanding Ourselves Through Erotic Fantasy' available now http://megjohnandjustin.com/product/understanding-erotic-fantasies-zine/ Sorry if this is a bit noisy, but we were in a cafe. We like to get out sometimes.
Here we chat about our Make Your Own Sex Manual zine and how it might help you to negotiate and communicate more about what kind of sexual relationships you want. You can buy it here for £2.50 http://megjohnandjustin.com/product/make-your-own-sex-manual/
Where we talk about love (Justin gets asked a lot about love) and rom coms. We try to use popular culture to unpack the messages we receive about love and relationships. If you like this idea you might like to get hold of our zine about making your own relationship user guide http://megjohnandjustin.com/product/make-your-own-relationship-user-guide/ just £2.50!
Where we give advice for if you think you are masturbating too much (obviously we unpack that and examine the cultural messages we receive about wanking, debunk sex addiction and give advice about how you should pay attention to your wanks).
Here we talk about what we mean by 'top and bottom' in sex and relationships. Is it necessary, who does what and how to do it consensually.
How okay is it to ask a partner to modify their body? We tackle this super hard question in this week's episode and also have a quick chat about what we've been up to lately.
"People always say that communication is the key to good sex, but how do you get started?" Our first actual question! YAY! Hear our advice about how to communicate and how to communicate about communicating. #meta
We recorded our talky talk bit at the launch of #EnjoySex at Queen's Park Books last month. We talk about the process #meta, how we got working together #consent, sex education, the tea video (UGH)and other stuff. Sound quality isn't the best but hope you like it!
Here we talk about 'Enjoy Sex' being out and how we feel about that. We also talk about our zines but also about trance, intimacy and roles during sex. Oh and Ikea.
Here we talk about how to navigate sex and relationships with a small penis. Lots of (hopefully) helpful advice and support about the cultural pressure to have a particular kind of body, a particular kind of sex and practical advice on how to deal with it.
Here Meg-John and Justin introduce the podcast, talk about what they want to do with it and interview each other!