I recently ran across an article in the journal Psychological Science called “The False-Hope Syndrome: Unfulfilled Expectations of Self-Change.” In it, Janet Polivy and C. Peter Herman describe the cycle of failure when we give ourselves unrealistic expectations, faulty self-assessments, and inadequate tools for self-change.
It says, “Why do people persist in attempting to change themselves, despite repeated failure? Self-change is often perceived as unrealistically easy to achieve, in an unreasonably short period of time…embarking on self-change attempts induces feelings of control and optimism that supersede the lessons of prior experience…Some sorts of self-change are feasible, but we must learn to distinguish between realistic and unrealistic self-change goals, between confidence and overconfidence. Overconfidence breeds false hope.”
Every person sitting here in this room is here because they believe that they can change. Either presently or at some point in the past, we have been unhappy with some defect in our character, some prior action that we are ashamed of that we want forgiveness for, maybe some present habit that we want freedom from. The gospel call has come to us with the great hope of transformation. For some, it was the words, “believe and you shall be saved.” For others, it was “keep the law and you shall be saved.” But fast change often doesn’t last very long, and I’ve been left with the lingering question, do we have a realistic understanding of how rare lasting change can be?
While statistics vary, one study shows that 85% of addicts in recovery relapse in the first year. Some of the reasons they discovered were 1. Withdrawal. Withdrawal symptoms include cold sweats, restlessness, vomiting, insomnia, and a general feeling of unwellness that can last from 6 to 18 months depending on their frequency of prior use. 2. Mental health. Often, the addictions themselves are not the problem, but the underlying problems are anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress. 3. People. Whatever your choice of addiction, you will likely surround yourself with like-minded people who enjoy the same things and keep you in this cycle, making it difficult to be sober. 4. Places. A person’s habitat is based on their habit. A person struggling with addiction has to change the places they frequent that will likely cause them to be triggered. 5. Things. This could be items like wine glasses clinking, a show, or a game that reminds us of a past life. 6. Poor self-care. Poor self-care sends the message that your well-being is not important, and consequently, you are not important. This includes things like diet that can affect mood and this can trigger a relapse. Others include 7. Getting into relationships and intimacy too soon in ways that mask the real issues that need to be dealt with, . 8. Pride and Overconfidence, 9. Boredom and Isolation, and finally 10. Uncomfortable Emotions.
So what distinguishes the gospel from another self-help message? This is a question I’ve been asking myself since the pandemic. This introverted and reflective period of time has allowed me to watch myself in ways I haven’t previously. Patterns of myself, cycles of my being. Sometimes the problems we seek to solve are unable to be solved because we’ve misdiagnosed the problem. “Thus says the Lord concerning Shemaiah the Nehelemite… Shemaiah has prophesied unto you, and I have not sent him, and caused you to trust in a lie.”
This is how Jeremiah 29 ends, with God having to correct the words of a prophet who gave a false diagnosis to Judah. This false prophet, along with another false prophet in the previous chapter Hananiah, were prophesying to Judah that their time in captivity would be relatively short. Hananiah boldly proclaimed, “Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, saying, I have broken the yoke of the king of Babylon. Within two full years will I bring again into this place all the vessels of the Lord’s house, that Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon took away from this place.” (Jeremiah 28:2-3). Five months later, this prophet died. In the following chapter Jeremiah sends these words to Babylon, letting the exiles know that their time in Babylon shall indeed be very long, seventy years to be exact. It came with this warning, “let not your prophets and your diviners…deceive you….for they prophesy falsely in my name...after seventy years have come to pass at Babylon, I will visit you, and perform my good word towards you.” (Jeremiah 29:8-10). Their time in Babylon was not going to be 2 years, but 70, an entire lifetime. The false prophets predicted fast change, and they were sorely mistaken.
The first step in any addiction recovery is to admit the truth. Now many of you sitting here might not struggle with alcohol dependency, so I hope we can take these principles and draw from them what applies in our own life. In the twelve step program for Alcoholics Anonymous this truth is “1. We admit we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable.” When the disciples questioned Jesus saying, “Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?” Jesus replied, “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life.” (John 14:5-6). If we’re looking to follow the Master, if we’re looking to find Jesus, we know where to find Him, we find Him wherever truth is allowed to shine. We follow Him when we follow after the truth.
When reading passages like Jeremiah 29, there is a temptation to read prophecy and focus on the numbers and the correlation to time. The seventy years might have to do with seventy weeks in Daniel 9 beginning at the building and restoration of Jerusalem, etc. One key experience that can get lost in this pure approach of numbers, is what the sentence of 70 years actually meant for the people who were living through the experience of an exile that would last a lifetime.
Some events in life are life-changing. They alter the course of our reality for the rest of our lives. There aretraumas in life of which there is no bouncing back. There are parents who have lost children, children who have lost parents, and those who have endured physical and emotional injuries that are lifelong. There are diseases and cancers that erode an individual, and rob them of strength until their dying breath. There are some captivities that we do not recover from. Some losses, which we experience, no amount of time can assuage the grief. It is a sadness we carry with us to the grave, like the loss of a child. Captivities of this nature are essentially permanent. This life will pass and we will die in our captivity. So what do we do? What do we do with the permanent grief we carry with us? With the life long injuries that forever affect and change the course of our futures?
The first step, like any step to recovery, is to admit the truth. As Jeremiah 29:28 says, “your exile will be long.” Yahweh does not offer false hope to the exiles. They will spend the rest of their lives in exile. They will die in a foreign land. This kind of truth telling is also something that is also important for our transformation. While, I often seek to avoid labels, I’ve started to doubt whether or not I’m doing myself a service when I use language that disconnects me from the former versions of myself. Phrases like, “I’m a new person,” or “I’m no longer that person” or “I’ve been made new.” While yes, it is important to celebrate our victories, and acknowledge our progress and successes, I don’t want to lie to myself by creating a narrative that doesn’t keep me accountable to all the versions of myself that I have been, and the challenges that I will have to continually acknowledge as I embark upon this journey of self-transformation.
For example, I have to acknowledge that for one I have a morphed image of my own body, hence I may not have the best judgment when it comes to the amount of weight I need to lose. I havean unhealthy relationship with my body image and with the scale. Two: I am a survivor of domestic violence, I do have PTSD and this PTSD may be triggered in certain settings that are more benign. My family has mental health and addiction issues. How has this affected my family systems growing up? What are my predispositions to mental health issues and addictions because of this? These are my realities that I will live with for the rest of my life. I can run from these issues for a while and delude myself into thinking I’m a new person, and then once the adrenaline runs out, I find myself again. I have to live with the me that is me. The first portion of Jeremiah 29 is God speaking to the new reality that these exiles are going through and says essentially, get comfortable with this new reality. “Build houses and dwell in them; plant vineyards and eat their produce.”
Jeremiah 29 is a fascinating insight on how to survive life-altering traumas. Regardless of the reasons why we might end up in captivity, Yahweh sends the exiles a new Ten Commandments. Just like Moses gave the Ten Commandments for how they were to conduct their new life with integrity and self-restraint in the land flowing with milk and honey, Yahweh yet again provides Ten Commandments for how to thrive in the land of their captivity saying, “Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce”.
So how exactly do we do this?
For one, we must give up narratives that paint the story we want to tell about ourselves, rather than tell the story that actually happened. This is the one single difference between the myths of Greek gods and the Bible. Between Instagram and sacred history. The narratives are true to the person. There is no mythologizing of David. He was who he was in all his glory and all his shame. We have to have an honest conversation with ourselves if we want to see real change.
In the article by Polivy and Herman they note, “In order to replace false hopes with real hope, we must learn to determine accurately the difficulty of self change, establish realistic goals, to keep our expectations reasonable, and to develop coping skills to help us contend with the setbacks that are normal with efforts to change.”
The first command God gives is to build. Build houses and dwell in them. Find stability. When trauma happens, when we discover our faults, our lives get overturned. The stories we have told ourselves about ourselves, is challenged. Thus the first step is to find acceptance with your new normal. This usually doesn’t happen on our own. We need therapists, support groups and networks that can help us process grief and find a livable amount of comfort in our new normal. Building houses, includes making time for self-care. When care for ourselves, we give ourselves the message that our life is still worth living and that we are uniquely valuable in what we have to share.
Next Yahweh invites us to plant vineyards and eat the fruit. In other words, begin upturning the soil in the land of your new normal. Understand the land. Understand your emotions, process your trauma and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Enjoy the insights you gain and the wisdom you learn about yourself and the world around you. Invest in your new land and enjoy the fruits of your labor.
“Take wives and have sons and daughters.” Be prolific. Don’t be afraid to make covenants and join yourself to the community. Pass along the wisdom of your experience to others. Gain knowledge of yourself, your trauma and how it has affected your life and pass this knowledge on to the next generation. “Take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage.” In other words, think, intergenerational. There may come days when all you wish to do is lay down and die, but God has a future and a hope for you. So do not let your story end with you. Contemplate a future for yourself and the generations after you.
Next, “Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile.” In other words, integrate yourself into the community, be part of something larger than yourself. Invest in the schools, the city councils, the non-profit organizations. Get to know your neighbors and offer your unique contribution to the public. “Pray to the Lord on its behalf.” Once you have invested in yourself, in the people, in your community, you will learn to love the community and pray for them and their flaws. We are not called to be isolated from, but to be integrated into. We are not Lot fleeing from the wrath of the Lord on the day of judgment, we are Joseph praying for God’s mercy and transformation in the midst of the city we have learned to love.
Trauma and shame can dim the light we shine into the world. In answer to the life-altering events of a lifelong captivity, God provides a survival guide to being whole again, steps we can take toward healing and allow the lessons of our life to be of service to the communities in which we abide.
As the holiday season approaches it can be a difficult time of year for many. For some, this is their first holiday without someone they love. This year might mark many firsts, their first year after a loss of a parent, a loss of a relationship, or the loss of a friend or family member. Years of memories they have built celebrating holidays together now hold a bittersweet cloud of darkness in the absence of their loved ones.
Yet God says, “I know the thoughts that I think toward you says Yahweh, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a hope and a future.” ( Jeremiah 29:11). The absence of your loved one and the grief that you bear might feel so overwhelming that you just want to give up and die. The trauma might feel like more than you can bear. Yet for a brief moment the Master behind the veil is speaking to us, revealing His mind, providing an assurance that there is hope.
My appeal to you today is not to give up. One of my favorite quotes is from a man I never knew, who has since passed, the father of a dear friend of mine. She recounts the story of how he would tell her, “Life is a solitary journey, lived out in solidarity.” I want to encourage you today to find that solidarity with those who share the same lived traumas that you have. True transformation cannot happen without a true understanding of the problem.
Some resources out there for those of you who would like to live out your life in solidarity, I want to encourage you to try BetterHelp.com, it provides therapy online from licensed experienced professionals for half the cost. Being a Christian is not about being invulnerable, invincible, relentlessly optimistic. It is about being honest about our life long struggles, realistic in our assessments, cautious in our optimism for change, and surrounded by the support we need to grow. Life is a solitary journey, let’s live it out together today.