After two decades as an academic researcher, I understand that I will never be a good researcher.

I’ve come to realize that I’m not cut out for the opportunism and ruthlessness that seem to drive success in this field.

I’ve always felt a step behind, out of sync with what’s required to get ahead.

I am more out of place than anything.

Academia is an emotional career.

The longer I stay, the more self-doubt I have.

I “should” have left already, or should I?

While the only thing that will allow me to keep going, every day is to go for a swim, eat dinner with my family, and do a little bit of homework with my kids.

I wish there was a better way, but I had more confidence in who I was when I was 23, then me now at 45.

The only thing that I know that works is going for a swim, and listening to my breathing.