Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2 NIV
When a person falls victim to a bad circumstance, injury, assault, offense, or injustice it is easy to get stuck. Our pain convinces us of the righteousness of our cause. We were wronged and we feel the offender must be held responsible. We look to outside sources for empathy or justice. If we do not receive adequate remedy, it feels like a second trauma. The cycle repeats and is likely to continue to do so if something is not done to interrupt the pattern.
The victim falls into a thought trap, mentally collecting more injuries as evidence for their case. They rehearse the merits and facts repeatedly in their minds and to others, circling through the injuries which are now piling up. If someone is not willing or able to resolve the injustices, the wrongs are collected like a necklace of bitterness that grows heavier with each affront. Gradually, the victim embraces a new identity that they have crafted for themselves. Victimhood.
According to the Cambridge Dictionary, this is “the condition of having been hurt, damaged, or made to suffer, especially when you want people to feel sorry for you because of this or use it as an excuse for something.”
Many people live their lives stuck in this cycle of victimhood. They blame others for everything, whether or not that blame is accurate. They shift responsibility for their circumstances and, more importantly, their response away from themselves. They surrender their volition and look to others to fix things. In this way, they preserve their victim status and embrace their new, toxic identity.
In 1954, Julian B. Rotter developed the concept of Locus of Control. It is “the degree to which people believe that they, as opposed to external forces, have control over the outcome of events in their lives.” Victimhood requires shifting the control of my circumstances from outside forces. The solution involves shifting the sense of control back to myself. I have control over my response to injury. I have control over my thoughts. I have control over my life choices. I can forgive. I can pay the debt from the injury that is owed to me. I can move on with life and get healthy. I will not be ruled or defined by past hurts. I will forge a positive future from the disasters of the past. I will do what is necessary to take responsibility for my life, choices, and reactions.
This is a difficult, yet crucial, skill for kids to learn. A father must be a model they can emulate. Ouch! That’s even harder. He must forgive and ask for forgiveness. His kids need to see him resolving conflict and restoring healthy bonds within the family. He must teach his children how to process through hurt, anger, injustice, and jealousy. They must learn that unresolved hurt leads to bitterness, which hurts the victim, not the aggressor. Kids must practice the process of reconciliation when they are young or they will have a life of unresolved trouble and fall into the toxic cycle of victimhood.
Teach your children to reject victimhood and embrace responsibility.
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