Step one in The Fatherhood Formula is: Turn your heart toward your children. For a man, there is nothing more significant he can invest his life in than his family. Nothing has more reach. Nothing has more value. I understand that many men can accomplish great and influential things in their work lives, but being a father is ultimately more important than that. Family is a man’s first circle of influence and responsibility. I believe his success will be measured, in time and eternity, by his accomplishments there before all else.
I have many ambitions and dreams for my life. My sense of purpose has been simmering inside me since boyhood, sometimes boiling over. It pushes me ever onward. It drives me to reach for a better version of myself. It hungers to accomplish things of significance in the world. Because of this, I am inspired by the stories of the great makers, inventors, artists, builders, and world-changers. They build amazing things. These are the people who improve the world. I read their stories with awe. In the fabric of my soul, I want that, too!
There is often significant flaws in the family lives of these great achievers. They accomplish extraordinary things and yet usually fail at home. It turns out that the plant you water is the plant that grows. The so-called movers and shakers are so devoted to achieving their ambitions that their families wilt while they are away. It is a tragic outcome that many of them lament later in life. Divorces. Affairs. Estrangement. Broken relationships. Dysfunctional kids that reject them. The structural integrity of the family has rotted from the inside while they were “conquering” the world. No matter how enormous their accomplishments. No matter how much they are praised and admired, I have never heard of one that thought the trade-off was worth it in the end.
This pattern is so common that every man should see it as a warning sign. Beware! Danger ahead! If you don’t devote yourself to your family and cultivate it like an orchard, it will not flourish. Your wife and children will feel neglected or abandoned. You will hurt the ones you love by your absence and apparent disinterest. You will stunt your family’s development and legacy. Don’t repeat the mistakes so many others have made.
To avoid these problems, fathers need to redefine success. It is good to work hard and do significant things in the world, but you must also strive to be a great husband and father. Two goals. It divides your energy and makes it impossible to devote all to one thing. Yes, doing this will blunt your effectiveness in endeavors that require endless hours. Prioritizing family will cut into hobby time and social activities. These sacrifices must be made. Your family needs you. Remind yourself daily that the plant you water is the plant that grows.
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