Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:3-4 NIV Now that I had set the first of my fatherhood principles as my North Star, I tried to structure my life and prioritize my time to match. My results were inconsistent at best. It’s almost as if my mind had a mind of its own. I understood that a man’s family is the greatest investment project of his life, but I wanted to do my own thing, too. Did I have to invest in eternal things all the time? I had other ambitions for my life, big dreams, and things I wanted to build and experience.
One great dividend a man earns from having kids, like being married, is being forced to mature. A painful process with good results. Your selfish desires are confronted with daily competition for your time and energy. You see, every human is born selfish. Selfishness is a cancer that we have all been infected with since sin first entered the world in the Garden of Eden. This strong competition works like a surgeon’s scalpel cutting cancer from the body.
Having a family sets up a daily conflict between what I want to accomplish and what they need. I like to think of it like bowling. Each morning, I wake up and a new frame of 10 bowling pins is set up before me. Some days my ball rolls into the gutter of laziness on the left or the gutter of selfish ambition on the right. Perhaps the gutters have different names for you. Big Boy Toys. TV. Vices.
When I ignore the opportunities for investment in my family, which have eternal consequence, for temporary pleasures or mindless to-dos, my ball diverts into the gutter. I fail to capture the points the day had to offer. I have thrown a lot of gutter balls so far, but the good news is that every day is a new frame. A new opportunity to invest in my kids.
Some days, I throw the morning into the gutter, but manage to knock down a few pins in the afternoon. That’s a little victory, worth celebrating. As I calibrate toward eternal values, I aim at accomplishing as many eternal goals as possible. Loving my kids. Protecting my kids. Preparing my kids. These are things a family needs. These are the goals I set for myself. Today, I want to reject passivity and selfishness and embrace my quest to raise a healthy family. “But I’m tired and not in the mood!” Even then, I try to put some points on the eternal scoreboard. If I knock even a single pin down, I have succeeded in part. I celebrate the little victory and set a higher goal for the next frame. Every day is a fresh opportunity. Over time, I want to knock down more of the pins. I am setting my sights on higher and higher scores.
Stop here and make a list of what your family needs from you. Start with the obvious. See a need, meet a need kind of stuff. Provision. Being available. Spending time. These things are important and they should be on the list, but the needs of the moment are not all that a family requires. Spend some time on this list. Perhaps it would help to put your items into three categories. Loving your kids. Protecting your kids. Preparing your kids. Perhaps you will have a different list for each of your children. It helps to know what kind of activities are knocking down pins and which go straight toward the gutter.
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